Segments - 451: Off the Grid

Episode Date: September 8, 2020

In this episode we discuss Jake's recent trip, his bad back, and how to deal with a Muay Thai partner who won't cut his nails.For more of us on a podcast, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on the Headgum network.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you And I felt blue

I'd listen to A show by two coy Jews Need some advice? Just ask these guys Jake and Amir Val Bloom If I were you, but I'm not you Topless pick for this thick dick makes the chicks Oh.

Oh. Why? Sick! If you were me Holy shit! You probably How? Get the turdy

So listen here closely If I were you I'd listen to The dang best headcount crew Jeff and Riley's Review Review Oh wait, I mean that one A game boy and his furry friend A cute little chipmunk, eh?

Congratulations to Jake On his thousandth golden mic You really earned this one, Josh Good on you, mate If I were you and I felt blue I'd listen to Jake and a bear schmoom-bloom They give advice whether they're wrong or right Whether you're straight, bi, queer or gay

They'll tell you it's okay Don't kill yourself in a Can't pay, here comes that Janay best play If I were you Ass Holy shit, that was That was really impressive

Welcome to If I Were You An advice podcast, I'm Amir It brought the energy so high. It was at such a pitch. You can't... Yeah. With that lead in... I forget who wrote it.

Whatever. Honor them by saying their name. John or some shit. Probably. No, don't say your some shit. Probably. It's a popular name, so it's likely. All right.

It was incredible. Oh, it's actually pretty close his name is jay from australia yes very nice i thought i saw i thought i heard that uh that aussie accent sneak in there a couple times that's right uh he he's a tv and news producer who's occasionally on screen and this was an avenue q theme song submission jesus what an amazing song he wrote he made for us all right that's i was trying to figure out like the like what what kind of genre of music that was so yeah what would what would you call that what what genre of music is avenue q broadway musical theater chill like a play on it on children's musicals as well though yeah it's like puppet sesame streets uh bombastic musical style i mean that was really perfect

it makes me want to pitch a tv show where we kind of like do uh we host this show but it's like cranky acres style we're puppets oh that's cool and there's like puppet reenactments oh that's cool so instead of us i just stick my hand up like a puppet's ass and it's just like i think maybe at this point maybe you wouldn't be involved i think because of the i said i wanted to like stick a hand my hand up my puppet's ass. I feel like we have the library, and we don't necessarily need you anymore. Well, you need someone who's talented with regards to fisting a puppet's ass.

Yeah, we can use the old episodes. There's like 500 episodes. I used to be funny. But now you're a little crass, and now you're just talking a lot about putting your hand in the pups' ass. And I don't feel like... I'd like to fist Elmo, if probable. I feel like this doesn't help us in the room or the Zoom

with the network execs on the day for all the marbles. I don't want you pitching by my side. Not like that. Let me shout out this guy's instagram fine kem cage k-e-m-c-a-g-e kem cage kem cage cool name throw him a follow i'll follow him he's earned it he deserves it yeah i'll say that i love following people from australia it's always a different time of like season there so like when i'm cold and i'm i see my friends on uh on australia and instagram i'm like damn it's

it's 100 degrees there you're going to the beach that's awesome shouldn't there be like in like when time zones there's like a whole. It's not like here it's noon and there it's midnight. So basically like when it's summer here and winter in Australia, there should be like a fucking country, like, I don't know, fucking Portugal or some shit where it's fall. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm serious. Like during Ecuadorian spring, it should be our summer. Like they're just like three months ahead or behind. Or in fucking, I don't know, Bolivia or Ecuador. I mean, you made your point, so you don't have to keep on naming. It can be. Yeah, I'm just thinking about a different country and season. Autumn in Estonia.

Yeah, but it's fall here. So it's the same season, but we call it something else. Yeah, autumnal is a little bit. I feel like autumnal is kind of like the middle of it. Fall is like just the beginning. Fall has started. I guess it's like if you're on the equator, it should never vary. Like if you're above it, it gets really long days short nights like iceland

but if you're on the equator shouldn't it always be like 12 hour days 12 hour nights and the same temperature i think it is okay no further questions welcome to if i were you geography podcast we sort of wax about ecuador and we should have that puppet show we should have a children's puppet show where we tell people that it should be fucking spring in bangkok okay yeah thailand specifically and then it's uh i don't know summer in uh did you already say estonia yeah i did i said we're out of countries that we know. Just like that. But that's still fine. We'll teach kids about latitude,

longitude, seasons, and time zones on If I Were You, the only show where we put our hands in a puppet's ass. I am the Tropic of Capricorn because I am a Capricorn. And you, the Tropic of Cancer because you are a cancer to this show.

You ruin it all the time with a puppet's ass thing. What was that? I was doing you a solid with a callback for one of your jokes. You're back on the grid. You were off the grid for about a week. I haven't spoken to you in a week because you were, like you said, off the grid. I left the grid. What does that ent you said, off the grid. I left the grid. What does that entail and how off the grid were you?

I was on an island in Maine called Vinyl Haven. Vinyl? Vinyl. Vinyl, like vinyl? No, it's V-I-N-A-L. I looked this up while I was there. It was just named for a guy that lived in the town named john vinyl okay and it's called vinyl haven it's next to north haven which interestingly is the

town in ham or sorry the town in connecticut uh where i grew up but it's north haven is its own island in maine anyway that's neither here nor there uh I think it's like a five or six or seven hour drive to Rockland, Maine, and then an hour and 15 minute ferry out into like the Penobscot Bay in Maine. And I was on an island. When you arrived, did you say, Oh, we're finally here at long vinyl last? Did you make jokes like that? I forgot to do any vinyl jokes actually and i think you were off the grid because i yeah i was off the grid i didn't have to be on i didn't have to like hit anyone with those zingers those epic zingers that i'm sure the lobstermen have all heard already yeah because you're not like trying to entertain anyone you're off the grid at this point you don't

need to be funny no but i mean we did a show there i did a show i did a solo show what 3 000 people in a lobster boat no way did you do that that's improbable there's no fucking way there's not even 3 000 people on vinyl haven did you say it was yeah i think maybe the year-round population is like 1800 or something like that okay so you arrive to vinyl haven you check your phone no bars some bars but you're just trying not to look at it wi-fi no wi-fi there are bars there's there were bars where like in town um and there were bars like even just like out on the bay like you can on the boat the entire time i had service and then on the island we like drove for 20 minutes through vinyl haven and ended up on this even smaller island that you could take a bridge to but it was called dyer's island and on dyer's

island there's like 10 houses on it and there i sometimes had a single bar of service and most of the time i had nothing and that's where you slept and hung out mostly yeah that's where we slept that's where we hung out mostly there were a couple days where we like went out onto the water uh where we like went on to some hikes there was one hike where we went up and like at the top of the mountain i just like started getting slacks texts emails all of them coming and i instantly went on airplane mode no no no no no no no finally you're at the top of wi-fi island you can get all the alerts you're nice yes that's that shit i'm talking about you're back on the grid you can start saying shit like that no it's true

yeah i wish i i wish i had that one line or that zinger for the lobster boat i feel like i i would it would have killed so you get all these alerts and texts are you like fuck i can't look at this or you're like all right i'm back in my hut on the beach and i don't have service now but at least i can see what i've missed are you like no i'm trying to actively not see what i've missed yeah i that in that moment i cleared everything and went on airplane mode. There were other times, like in the morning when I would go to town, I'd like see some stuff. I never responded to anything while I was there. Maybe like one or two Slack messages that you had sent or something.

But for the most part, I like saw things come in and I saw someone who I had asked to cover for me announce that they were covering and that something was handled. So I never, ever looked at my phone. I was like, shit, I have to do something, you know?

Right. And then did you have like the anxiety of like, I'm checking my phone, even though I know there's no bars, like, let me just look at my phone. I'm like, Oh shit,

what am I doing? It's just a habit at this point. Um, no, there was no, I think like I had more of my anxiety leading up to that vacation because i was like i was like i'm gonna be unreachable like i'm are people gonna be mad at me or like am i i don't know what am i gonna miss i'm gonna drop

the ball on something um i like need to handle everything before i go but there's too much to handle but once i was there once i was like i think the last thing i did was like i recorded a nadpod on friday night before i left and when we were done they're like have a great vacation and i was like oh yeah i'm like everyone knows that i'm going off the grid right and that's really nice because i feel like this whole entire time has just been like even when you're away you're here you're on the everybody's around everyone's around you can't really take any time off so this is the first time that i literally was just like not just taking time off but like unreachable and it felt really really nice did you have an auto response in your email i didn't because uh i guess i kind of feel like most of the time no one is relying on solely me. Like sometimes people are waiting for me to say something or weigh in.

Right. But they knew you weren't there. Yeah. There wasn't anything. And nothing did come in that I was like, shit, I didn't, I dropped the ball. I didn't respond to that. What about news and stuff? Were you like, I wonder what's going on in the world of politics.

Did you check Twitter at night just to see if anything was on fire or a bomb had gone off somewhere? I never looked at Twitter. I, there was a, there was a TV there that got cable. So I was able to like watch a basketball and I care about that. That's cool.

What games did you watch? I watched, uh, the clippers nuggets game i watched the okc uh houston game that was pretty intense oh game seven yeah the lew dort game yeah dude i loved dort i really i really wanted him to win yeah so did i because now the lakers have to play the rockets instead of lou dort and i would prefer to play lou dort that was like the one consolation that i felt when lou dort lost because i was like oh well at least i want to see the the lakers versus the rockets which has been it's proven fun you got it yeah that's fun that's fun to watch it's

a good series a clash of styles so you get off the island you're back on the grid are you like i have to this is a new me i'm not going to do everything like i once was i have to like to carry on the zen energy from the off the grid onto the on grid are you like all right i gotta fucking download everything twice as hard refresh reload re-see everything that i missed it was a little bit of both because i did have like one realization leading into the vacation which was like the more i try to stay on top of everything and like bat things away as they come in because i like i, I don't know, I place this weird importance on like a clean inbox and, and having nothing on my plate. But the more stuff you push off your plate, the more that starts coming in. Cause you're like, I don't know. I tend not to like say no to a bunch of stuff. So

like everything that comes in, I treat as like a to-do list and, and like I get, and I activate on it. Right. Yeah. Like a red circle notification on a group text and you're like shit i better weigh in here or respond or do something yeah so and a lot of the time when i respond then that like set something in motion where somebody does something and then i have to respond to that and you just like get further and further along the road so i was like i'm gonna stop i'm gonna like just try setting the pace more because if i just like instantly respond to stuff that comes into my inbox because i want to get it out then that just means that like i'm creating more work so so on one hand i was like i going to be more Zen about my inbox. I'm going to let things sit in there, maybe find a way to organize it, whatever.

In a way that doesn't make me like constantly have to react to things as soon as they come in. Then the other part of me was like really happy that I could like look at porn and have like full bars and spank my meat and stuff yeah well then what about like Instagram or Twitter news or sports or oh right culture did you like miss any of that or you know and stuff no I was worried that I would miss any of the new releases porn-wise. Yeah. No, I get that. Because I didn't know. Porn aside. Like, it's mofos, bang bros, brazzers. Like, do you find yourself? Yeah.

It's like, new content, that new, new. Pretend, yeah. Pretend I wasn't talking about. Like, let's take porn out of the equation. Do you think you're using your phone less since being back on the grid? And porn's not part of the equation no porn pretend i'm not talking about porn i'm talking about phone i'm talking about like just social media i guess in general um i looked at no i mean i was not really definitely not looking at twitter i just assume

everything is bad all the time and i've like I look at Twitter maybe once or twice a day now to get a general sense of what's going on. Whereas before, I was definitely looking at it nonstop. And Instagram, I look at a couple times. Yeah. I don't think that's changed. But I don't have the compulsion to go through the entire feed. I kind of just flip a couple times,

see if anything interesting is happening and then and then stop so overall you loved being off the grid right i would say i entirely loved being off the grid i don't think that it's like i can't sustain that that's not what i want i don't want an off the grid lifestyle and i'm like damn i wish i could just never have to deal with this. I like everything that we do. But I think I like learning a lesson while I'm off the grid and trying to apply it to just being able to relax on the grid. So tapping into an off-grid lifestyle. There were definitely times where I thought a lot about stuff that was happening back on the grid, not like through my phone, but I would just like think through stuff at work.

You know, I would just like think about what I was going to do when we got back or I'd have an idea where some, like something we had talked about at the end of last week or something like that. And I had, so I like, I kept on trying to like remove myself from those thoughts and like place myself off the grid i had like a visual of me being high up above main and like being

dropped off like the little google maps guy you know where you put them into street view that's right i kept on imagining like being picked up out of, out of the, like, um, like the city dragged all the way up to Maine and then like placed in the middle of the forest in the middle of an Island and just being like, you're here right now. Stop. Do you think you could have gone one more week,

two more weeks, four more weeks off the grid? Or you're like, that was a solid amount of off grid time. If I, i think that like i i'm just like a part of too much stuff so i like my my pull to go back was more to be like a part of like the stuff that um that people depend like to be there uh for the things that people depend on me to do but i wasn wasn't like, damn, I miss technology.

I miss being connected. Like I was, I could have, if everyone was like, Jake, we don't need you, you're fine. I could stay there for sure. For months? I think I could stay there for a month. I'd miss my family. Yeah, you'd ideally like to take them all off the grid with you.

Right. If I just knew that they could come and visit every few weeks, I would never really have to leave. I could definitely be a compound guy. Oh, that's cool. Would you be fine if there was even less technology, like straight up off off grid, like phone doesn't work, TV doesn't work for two weeks, or is that too off off grid like phone doesn't work tv doesn't work for two weeks

or is that too much off grid um i could be there with like i don't know tv was nice it was really nice to have that respite and we also like cooked tonight's dinner i mean we were like in a regular ass house it wasn't like we were in a hut i think i could i could do like camping off grid for maybe a week or two but i don't think jill could do it she does not like jill doesn't like bugs so it's it just wouldn't happen right i'm the same way like i would my camping is like after two days i'm like this is ridiculous i'm not sleeping well i'm starting to really reek of shit. I could go for a shower in a normal bed. Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. I think I could, I mean, I sleep better.

Like when I slept in a van with my brother, like when we were hiking around in Washington State two summers ago, it was like the best sleep I ever got. Because you were out in the sun all day. Yeah, maybe that's it. And then it gets dark and then it may power off did you did it the sun set really late there um it didn't no it didn't set much later than it has been here like 7 7 15 it was going down oh interesting yeah it was it's not like terribly far up the coast it's like only only two hours from Boston or something like that.

That's cool. All right, let's try to answer a question before break. You're back on the grid after all. I'm back. Let's do it. Hey Dudes writes, did you meet anybody over there? Does anybody have a name over there we can call this person as? Oh, yeah.

You know, shout out to our skipper and buddy, Travis you know shout out to our our skipper and buddy travis travis all right the skipper and buddy travis writes last week my unemployed roommate threw back throughout his back while lifting his tv you can relate he has terrible pain tolerance and has been laying in his bed to recover ever since at first he was just asking me to refill his water every now and then but it's gotten to the point where he wants me to help him with leg stretching, and he's even gone as far to ask me to dump out his piss pitcher. That's right, he's been pissing into a Kool-Aid pitcher to avoid getting up to walk to the bathroom, even though he's been fully capable of strolling around the house once a day to try to get some movement in. His room stinks of human

piss, and it's becoming unbearable to come home. He's running out of muscle relaxers and I fear what happens after they're gone. I feel like this is the beginning of my 600 pound life episode. Help. Love, Travis. Yeah.

Well, shout out to Travis again. He's a better person than the guy that wrote this email. By the way, if you're ever in Maine and you need a taxi or a tour or a charter, Fox a fox island charter and i think his boat is called the life aquatic i don't know check it out all right okay um okay would you throw out my piss or would you be like just go to the bathroom this is ridiculous so i've been here i've been here i you couldn't even go to the bathroom the last time i threw out my back, almost a year ago now. I think it was September of last year.

And I was in such crippling pain that I couldn't even, like, stand. I couldn't even, like, kneel to go to the bathroom. All I could do is, like, turn. I was, like, laying in one position on the couch and i could turn enough rotate enough to lie on my side to piss into a bottle and my sister eliza was here because joe was at work this is when people went to offices and my sister eliza emptied my piss bottle for me love you guys wow wow what a fucking sister i would not i would not touch my brother's piss bottles or my mother's or my father's or yours or mine yeah you piss in a bottle even though

your back is fine so what i'll do is i'll get a little lazy and i'll do the rotate but i don't use a bottle i just piss as close as i can towards the toilet. That's right. So I don't have to get into a receptacle. I just have to aim my damnedest. And you'll have someone mop that up if you miss, which you often do because you're pissing from the couch towards the toilet. That's exactly right. It's tough. I think you have to do it, though.

There's not really any other option. Yeah. You can't tell him no because you're sort of walking around and you're fine. I would wear gloves just to be safe, and then he'll sort of realize how much work you're putting in. I mean, speaking as someone who peed into a bottle and had someone that I loved empty the bottle out, and when I had to pee again again i would call for the bottle um so like your roommate doesn't like doing it it's not like a weird power move it's not like um yeah let's uh i love pissing into a bottle and having someone empty it for me. That's not a good place to be.

Your roommate's at the lowest point in their life. Like when I did this, I felt like an invalid. I thought it sucked. I was really sad. I was despondent over it. I was like, I can't even stand up to piss. This isn't good. So at least you can put that in your heart and be like they're going

through a much harder time than me all i have to do is empty the bottle all i have to do is carry it to the bathroom and back they're the one that has to piss in it and that's not yeah just hearing about this like i hope my back never gives out it sounds like the most i guess it is it's the most painful thing it's a full body pain that limits your entire range of motion. You can't do anything. It's, I think I've told this story on the podcast before, but like, it's really, it's all you can think about. I, I had pulled my back. I was in such bad pain. Like I couldn't do anything. And my sister was like coming over to care for me. And I had to get up to unlock the door to let her in and i walked from the couch i like shuffled it took me a minute to walk to the door i opened the door

and i started going back to the couch and my entire body is just like seizing pain everywhere blinding pain and i'm like i either i i can't stand still because it just keeps on seizing and it keeps on hurting. Like I'm like frozen, but I also can't get to the couch. I can't do, and I can't fall down because if I fall down, it's the worst pain that will ever happen. Like my entire body being jostled. So just like absolutely, just like standing in the middle of the living room paralyzed uh having like a fuck like just back spasms it it's insane so i guess clean up this guy's piss because what he's going through is worse than what you're going through yeah and when you're

when this is all over it'll it'll come back to you karmically because he'll remember, as I remember, the person who emptied their piss bottles. Yeah. Maybe like when he's feeling better, you can shit in a glass and then he has to sort of clean it out with his toothbrush or something to make it even, at least. That's petty, but I like it because it is. It's cosmically correct yes and overall the universe is back to neutral when that happens why don't you shit in the glass now just so you'll have it yeah on the day because you might sort of get scared and cowered out when it comes time to shit in the glass.

So take out his piss, shit in the glass, wait for him to feel better, and kick his ass. All right, solved. Okay, let's take a break. Thanks to the sponsors. Come back with more questions and answers on the grid. Oh, yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we are back uh i guess today's unsolicited advice is to get off the grid every now and again. If you can do it. If you can do it. Even if you have to do it from your home and just turn your phone off. Say you're going off the grid. Wow. It's a nice reset.

It's a nice reset. Wow. Highly recommend. All right. But for us, let's go back deeper into the grid. Another email we got from a college dude. We'll call him Colin Dudein dude cool that's really cool i'm in a bit of a situation writes colin i've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and

she's great and we get along well i came into a little bit of a dilemma yesterday i was being a good boyfriend and bringing my girlfriend and her sorority sister Starbucks for their entire online recruitment. I get to the apartment, knock on the door, and one of my old hookups answers. We both stare at each other for a few seconds. I hand her the coffee and say good luck and dip out of there. Turns out this is one of my girlfriend's friends and sorority sisters. So I'm a nice guy, but I did this this hookup dirty we banged hard a few times then she

caught feelings and i blocked her she even tried to contact me on various platforms and it only lasted a couple weeks but i don't want this to come back and bite my relationship should i tell my girlfriend before she does or just pretend i didn't mess with this girl's emotions love colin dude oh yeah yeah that's fuck you but but but now that that's done now that that's over with and you've been chastised um i kind of feel like it's a little fucked up but like if this girl's officially your girlfriend and she hears from some girl that you did dirty like that's kind of fine for you because all that really shows is that your girlfriend is the one that like made you settle down right like you could easily just be like oh yeah i blocked tiffany i didn't like her. Like, I feel like people like talking shit about their friends

that tried to date you and couldn't. Like that. Yeah, I wonder if the girl will say anything. Do you think she'll say anything? Yeah, I think all you can do by bringing it up, I think, is shoot yourself in the foot. You can make something out of nothing. It might never happen. think is shoot yourself in the foot you can make something out of nothing it might not ever happen

um maybe the thing to do is just not reach out to the girlfriend who knows none of this but reach out to the girl who you wronged and try to clear the air there if you can say hi i know i was a shithead you didn't deserve to be treated like that I'm sorry if there's anything let me take you out to a nice glass of wine dinner let me make you a chicken a chicken hey I'm sorry can I make you a chicken I

I was I wasn't cool about that whole thing you deserve to have a f foul, because I treated you foul. A Cornish game hen for the games I played with you, hen. Is her name still hen? No, it's Molly. Well then, aren't I the asshole? I was on Molly, which is why I don't remember well.

Maybe if this guy blocked this girl, he has to write the message, like, brings over another Starbucks, and it's like, one's for you this one's for you and he holds it and it says like keep your mouth shut this girl means so fucking much to me you're not gonna ruin it for me and then you could her and you could give your name as that at starbucks so then they they write it on there for you like Like then they write everything. You just say like, and it's not your handwriting. Yeah.

They say, what's your name? You say, Oh, just write down on the cup. Don't like, don't say anything. Be quiet.

You'll ruin this relationship. I'm a good guy now. I'm a good boy. Yeah. And that way when you get caught and your girlfriend's like, what the hell is this message? You could be like, I did not write that.

I think I said, Colin. And they were were like you know how they mishear you and it's like this funny random thing you put on instagram people put yeah people post that on the story like i said colin dude i really did yeah and they wrote yeah leave me alone and i'm meaning too much to this girl for you to fuck it up now that'd be a really funny and dumb thing to do at starbucks is when they ask you your name just say your full name you really don't need that uh name is amir but you could call me mr blumenfeld or whatever just write down yeah dan is can i get a name for that order mr blumenfeld so so fucking ostentatious austin powers no ostentatious shit uh all right so you don't

have to say anything because odds are she won't and even if she does then it's probably fine yeah there's a way to play it but i'm not yeah i don't think you were good but you know you were bad you were bad you're a bad guy duh last question from another dude who's doing muay thai kickboxing whoa let's call him mo mo tie right i recently mo toy writes that i recently started doing muay thai uh kickboxing after watching cobra kai and now i want to learn some kick-ass moves and get mad pussy all right there's this guy at my boxing gym who i always end up sparring with and he's like a new me. Now, bear in mind that we do Muay Thai barefoot, and this guy's nails are freakishly long and dangerously sharp and serrated, so that every time he throws a kick at me, I'm blocking a knife, and I finish classes

with open cuts. I was hoping that he'd eventually get the hint and cut his nails if I didn't say anything, but weeks have gone by and he's still got these wolverine feet claws. I'm starting to think it's like a fighting strategy he has. My question is, should I tell the guy to cut his nails or is there like a more elegant way of saying this so I don't appear weak and afraid of this guy's nails? Plus, we're both new and I don't want to be that guy who goes around telling people what they should do. I'm also curious about you guys, your guys' thoughts on martial arts in general. So any fight tips would be appreciated.

Cheers from Australia. All right, mate. Well, you got to. Tell you what, you've got to. I've never seen somebody that, like, fucking wants to do Muay Thai. Muay Thai? Muay Thai? Muay Thai, Muay Thai, Muay Thai,

Muay Thai, and is also so conflict averse. You're like kicking, punching, throwing, headlock, but you're afraid to like have a conversation with a guy. Like that's not.

I would tell on him. I would be like, I love this class sensei, but but there's like it gets to the point where i'm like scratched up from this fucker yeah it's like it's also it's also kind of weird to be like you get your ass kicked all the time in this class you can't handle a nail scratch that happens have you ever done a class like this like even boxing which i hear is a good workout but like you see this yeah what's that what is that what you learn that in the class oh that's such poor form is that because the mic

because the mic is in the way yeah Yeah, the mic is blocking it. What's that? No. It looks... What did you take, like a karate class in first grade? Are you okay? You look like you're in pain, but I haven't done anything. How are you losing to a computer? What is that? Oh!

Gah! What did you take martial arts-wise? What was that? I did jujitsu and Christian jitsu. You think that jujitsu is a Jewish martial art, and then you're also half-taking that,

half-taking a Christian version of jitsu. I was raised interfaith, so I did jujitsu on my dad's side, Christian jitsu on my mom's. I fear to ask, but what's the difference between the two martial arts? You wear a kippah

during jiu-jitsu. That's the only difference? Just what you wear? That is the only difference. And in terms of your gi? And most people, the gi is the same. Most people doing jiu-jitsu are circumcised as well.

Most? And you find that out in combat. Oh! That's the foreskin. You're playing like a fucking banjo in Christian jitsu. No, not Christian jitsu. Please. You obviously have not done any of this.

So I think what you have to do is say to the guy, you got to do it while you're bleeding. You have to be like, hey, I got this cut. I think you got to cut your nails. Super casual, that's all. I keep them long so I can slice you. Yeah. Oh, fucker.

Now I need statues. Yeah. It seems like that's, you got to go to the teacher for that. You don't have to tell him. You can be like, hey, this guy keeps cutting me. I know I feel weird blaming him, but like he really is slicing and dicing my shin i don't know what to do i guess it'd be well and that's the other thing that if he's doing it to you then he's doing it to other people as well when you're not sparring with him so yeah do it for the greater good i'm fine bleeding yeah i'm

fine bleeding like this is whatever for me just like pouring blood out i'm just worried that when you spar with somebody else you faint you're fainting i'm just lightheaded as all because you you keep cutting me man i don't know how else to say it yeah i guess you got to work on your blocking i feel like and you're also when you're saying that he's doing this as like a fight strategy that's like inventing a reason not to talk to him like it's not i think you're you're just afraid to to have the conversation which is fine but it's it's easy it's an easy one you can do it i know it yeah it's funny because yeah like you said this is a whole combat class and he's

afraid of using his words at all but i guess that's why he's in muay thai you can just let your fucking fists do the talking no you can only you only want to be using muay thai in self-defense when your words have been exhausted when words fail that's when you enter the domain of muay thai you don't know what you're doing what if you try to slice a mid-fight so like you have to fight fire with fire so you have a little nail clipper he goes to kick you and it's like slow motion nail clipper bing bing bing and then he went by the time he like finishes his kick his nails are completely off that's cool like slow motion style the other option is that you could grow your nails a little longer um file them into real

points you know like i you can you only fight fire with fire you can only fight nails with nails um you can become the the the wolverine that you've been waiting for edward's style so like yeah like a bunch of fucking like that and then he by the time the fight's over he had a mani pedi and he had no fucking idea yeah that's really cool all right i think i'll i think i'll sign up for martial arts would you i mean now it's too late but like would you ever do would you consider uh learning a martial art it's never too late oh i meant it's too late because classes, they're not going to... No.

I just mean because of the pandemic, they're not like... No, you did not mean that. You meant that I am an old and feeble fighter, and I take grave offense to that. In fact, I challenge you to a sparring match. UFC will meet halfway in the middle somewhere in kansas we'll settle this in the octagon you choose your method of combat i choose mine okay i'll choose you're so so quick to back down i thought i could sort of intimidate you verbally to the point where you would back down and then

I would be like wow you're too afraid to fucking fight me I thought you were a coward you still might be able to like you instantly gave up like I said okay and then I was going to talk about my weapon and then you could have talked about now my throat hurts

you're a coward you're a craven lunatic please don't touch me. Please don't hit me. Don't hurt me. We're not even... It's a zoom. I can't touch you.

Look, this is as close as I could get to your face. Yeah. Yeah. Ah! Are we calling 911 I can't unlock my phone because my hands are too clammy no I'm just sliding over the

swipe button it's not doing anything there's too much moisture god damn it alright cool well listen good luck tell on that guy. He'll have to cut his fingers, whether you say so or your sensei does. It's kind of fucked up to tell.

Yeah, I think you can talk to him in person, IRL. Just be like, hey, look what you did to my arm. Cut your toenails. Bye. That's it. Oh, that's cool. While you're walking away. I guess it's not a sensei in Muay Thai.

Oh, maybe it is. Oh, we'll do... Sensei? Yeah, sensei. I don't know. You know, the teacher. Yeah, tune in next week where we only talk about mixed martial arts. That's cool.

That's our other podcast. A UFC fight cast starring me. All right, cool. Thanks for sending in your questions. Theme songs. Obviously, that opening one was such a hit by Jay. Should we play it again? It's so good. Yes.

Let's play it again since it was good. It would be a shame if it only existed once. If you want more of us, we're on The HeadGum Podcast a bunch on The HeadGum Network. We also have a Patreon where we're doing bonus videos every week. Our Patreon is blowing up so whoa hop on there yeah yeah and it's it's the beginning of the month so now's the time to sign up because you get a a whole month for just 4.99 um and there's never been more content on the

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