Segments - 452: Hawaii Time

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

In this episode we convince ourselves to move to Maui, then discuss Corona Bullies and iPhone aliases.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no jesus jesus jesus two, one, one, I do. It's a podcast. It's a podcast. It's a Jake and Amir podcast. You're stupid and also, by the way, your voice is a little bad. What does that end from? Is that

Jake and Amir or did I say that on the pod? I would think the pod because it sounded really clear of you saying that I have a bad voice. Right. Yeah, that's good. I really liked the remix of a weird sound that you made. It's kind of cool. It was very like, it reminded me of a Tom Green,

Freddie Got Fingered adjacent song. That's nice. Grandpa, would you like some sausage? Exactly. Very good. Connor wrote that, and he says, play it on the show and at the beginning please i want it at the beginning please okay it's gonna be really good at the top of the show

please i'm here and jake just the top i look like daniel radcliffe.com please by connor so i don't know if that's a real url but let's test it out it is there we go he does not look that much like daniel radcliffe yeah but you don't have to look that much like him to have the url does he look more like radcliffe or do i it's insane it's like the the top the top image is like not even aligned quite right so daniel Radcliffe looks just like four inches taller than him. Yeah. Then underneath that, it says, I look just like Daniel Radcliffe. Then there's an about and a contact, and below that, it says, I look a lot like Daniel Radcliffe.

The about is, hey, my name is Connor, and ever since I was a teenager, I've had a couple people tell me that I look like Daniel Radcliffe, so I thought I'd better do something about it. Do something. It was time to take drastic measures, and I was going to, yeah, make a website about it. Good stuff. All right. Good stuff.

Thanks, Connor and the host of ilooklikedanielradcliffe.com. Shout out. Congratulations on that. Hope you use Squarespace. All right, we're back. Post-Labor Day. Still in our two different states. I'm in fiery California.

You're in smooth, smooth New York City. What's the weather there? It's a beautiful day. Perfect day. 73, partly cloudy no humidity interesting and you can see the sky i can see the sky i can see the skyline i can see out the hudson the east river nice um yeah yeah i can see haze so it's sort of this tan gray, and it's not really the sky as much as it is like a melting mist, a fiery ash that sort of burns away and lands on cars in this dusty fashion. The ash is coming down? down uh but you can see it on like cars that were there overnight so there's just like dusty ash a

nice dusting kind of like when you put like powdered sugar on a pancake or something right except it's like kind of like poisonous to breathe so yeah oh no you don't want to be outside because you can't breathe that yeah the air quality indexes too it's unhealthy to be sure i mean where do you it's weird though like you can't go outside because you can't breathe that air but like what do you think you're breathing inside it's just the outside air that's gone in yeah i'm hoping that it's somehow filtered because it's like i have an air conditioner and there's like filters happening so i'm hoping that inside my house is not as dangerous as outside definitely less yeah i'm just curious because like i mean it still doesn't seem good no good no it's not good because

like every window sort of just lets in this, like, orange haze. It's almost like it's, like, 5 p.m. on Thursday, like, that magic hour. But instead it's, like, noon or something. Could I posit a question to you? Because I think you're in a fortunate position in that you have, like like a choice where you would live. So why did, why do you choose this, the place where it's on fire and getting hotter and hotter?

Because. In an unsustainable way. Yeah. Oh, it was 115 on Sunday. The grand scheme of things. Like live in a place that would never be that hot. Yeah.

Yeah. That wouldn't be on fire um kind of like it okay times a year that's a good question to me every place has like pros and cons so for example if you want to remove fires you got to get out of the entire west coast like even oregon and washington are ablaze right now worse than california some might argue so like that eliminates those cities. Then you want to go a little further inland. Am I going to live in like the Midwest where it's like super cold in the winter and there's tornadoes? Do I live in the Southeast, maybe Florida, but then there's hurricanes there? Do I want to live in like Trump country and like

South Carolina, North Carolina, beautiful cities, but like surrounded by, you know, MAGA heads all the time? Do I move back to the Northeast where I lived for 10 years, but then again, occasional hurricanes, cold winters. Very occasional, very occasional. We can, you can weather, I think that's what I'm pitching is that if you move to New York, you'd have a healthier life. Yeah, except I think I prefer these weeks of ash to three to four months of winter. Wow. Yeah, because in my blood,

I'm a California, Israel, desert child where I need warm, dry air to the point where the East Coast and the cold, the snow, the sleet, the wintry mix, that really bites into my bones and makes me feel worse than this. Than when the air is on fire outside your house. You're like, this is fine as long as I don't have to do February in Manhattan. Or in anywhere, boston chicago it's because the winter this is not as long as the winters um what do they get anywhere else because i feel like the the fires are definitely getting more and more intense more and more prevalent it's last the season is lasting

longer and that's correct when with climate change um not being a priority under the current administration these times of year that's like weeks now will soon be months and then there'll be fire seasons and at that point i'm gonna have to start looking elsewhere then you'll move yeah yeah then you'll live somewhere what about hawaii what about hawaii yeah like what's wrong there it seems like the weather's always nice, and it rains, like, every day, but in, like, certain, like, parts of the islands, and, like, it's, like, more of a fine ocean mist. I don't never hear about hurricanes in Hawaii. Are there any hurricanes over that part of the Pacific? The winters aren't very bad. Wasn't there, like, some kind of like um i don't know what's that what's that huge um like a monsoon a typhoon

uh one of those like big waves oh yeah yeah tsunami was that like that's that's like something that could happen or maybe did happen there i don't think yeah there was like oh there was that warning for it i think right that seems like the equivalent of earthquakes in california like occasionally you'll feel one but it's not necessarily going to happen right or it's like maybe this is like the the fear of the big one coming yeah hawaii seems nice the only i mean yeah hawaii seems fine i'm down with hawaii i looked into what's going on like corona style um in maui for example like does anybody have it are they like super safe about it is it just like don't even come over to our island because we're so secluded so yeah what is it like what is gucci in maui it looks like they don't have many cases and in order to visit

you have to quarantine for 14 days so So they're sort of doing like the... Once you're there? Yeah. Like if I wanted to fly to Maui, they'd be like, all right, but for 14 days, you have to stay in a hotel. So like, we're not like about that, like come here for a week or a weekend lifestyle. Like if you're coming to Maui, quarantine for 14 days,

make sure that for two weeks, you didn't get COVID on that flight over and then we'll let you out. So it's more of a long-term investment. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'd be down to do like the winter in Maui. Then we wouldn't have to record remote because we'd also quarantine separately

then get to be together. Yeah, that's a good call. We could just move every person at HeadGum. So it's like we have like a Hawaiian office almost. So it's like, everybody can just work in the office because, you know, we'll all quarantine and then we'll all be fine. Yeah. We'll be there all winter. So it'll be like, you know, pretty temperate. It won't be cold. At worst, rainy, which is, you know, at the very least fresh air. It's not on fire. Right. worse rainy which is you know at the very least fresh air it's not on fire right and then we can sort of see how everything plays out election wise so like if it goes south and there's like

riots in the street because yeah i don't know trump is saying he doesn't consider the actual results legit then we're on an island 3 000 miles west of california and then i say we keep flying west because at that point i'm not returning to i will i renounce my american citizenship mainland wise and any any i it's it won't be my nation anymore i will become i will become a man with no country. How hot is that? Would you move somewhere? Yeah. Yeah, I would. Yeah, so that's a nation, right?

Delaware, I think. That's America. First state. Yeah, the first state. No, yeah, I'd move to, I'd become a Kiwi. I'd go to New Zealand. I think I'm not like technically allowed to do it though. It's hard to move to New Zealand.

But maybe from Hawaii it's easier because it's like they sort of trust that we were cool and copacetic on this island of non-corona people. That's interesting. That is interesting. Okay, let's consider moving. moving yeah i wonder what the yeah real estate is there like uh can we get a condo up in fucking kawaii for three to seven months slash indefinitely or is that like something everyone's trying to do and there's and they're

price gouging all us fucking assholes that are like fleeing the fire? Yeah, but most people have to work somewhere and we can work anywhere. It doesn't make sense that we're both living in expensive cities, especially if we can't even enjoy the amenities the city has to offer. Yeah, yeah. I'm paying New York prices with with an with no new york lifestyle yeah there's no upside we should move to detroit or maui i choose maui really given the option yeah because the real estate in detroit's actually pretty affordable too that's true everything's closed which is you know fine because it is here and there, too.

All right. Well, yeah, if you can live in, it's just unfortunate that, like, your parents kind of already live in L.A., so you can't, like, really move too far away from them. That wouldn't be nice for you. Yeah, but Maui is just as close as New York, and they would rather visit Hawaii, I would think,

than New York City. Okay, fine. Yeah, let's move to Hawaii. All right, cool. Should we still do this episode or do you want to just start looking into the details of like that hashtag maui lifestyle um let's do let's do the episode but continue thinking about hawaii because maybe we could do kind of like a cult thing too oh interesting like a compound yeah like what if we just invited

anyone listening now to like start checking out property in maui yeah do you think we have any listeners in maui you think there's somebody in maui right now being like yeah i can help you sort of i could be your man on the street here or woman on the street um hang on one second i'll um check our art 19 stats oh it's it goes down to state state by state yeah goes down to it goes down i think it even goes down to like city by city wow i can i can look up um where we get the the most to the least listens okay here's a question are there on Maui, or is Maui just an island and there's little sections of Maui, but there's no cities in Maui?

That part, I don't really know. Yeah. I wonder if there are... Is there a synagogue on Maui? Are people getting bar mitzvahed on Maui? Siri, can I have my bar mitzvah on Maui? What if I want to fucking have a b'nai mitzvahed on Maui? Siri, can I have my bar mitzvah on Maui? What if I want to fucking have a b'nai mitzvah at the Canapaleale Resort and Spa?

Wow. So it does not go down as far as... That's crazy. I don't... Are you seeing anything for a while? We don't have a listen and we don't have a single listen in maui that's that can't be if you're listening in maui please let us know send a selfie of you running on the beach listening to this pod maybe you're golfing

somewhere okay no wait there's you're listening to us all right we can we can also broaden it it doesn't have to be maui it could be another island as well. This week, there was 331 listens in all of Hawaii. Oh, great. Okay. So if you're one of those 331 listeners in Hawaii, please let us know where we should open up HGHI. That's pretty cool, right? Oh, HGHI.

That's awesome. That fucking aloha for 2021 the other place that we could maybe do is um uh where do you think we have the least listens that's that's the other place i was thinking in the world or in america yeah in america because that's what I'm looking at right now. I would go wherever we have the smallest population. Wyoming, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota. Those giant plains. You were right when you said South Dakota. Okay.

Very good. Yeah, I wouldn't want to spend a winter there, because it's really biting on those plains. But I wouldn't mind spending a summer at that motorcycle festival that's sort of responsible for millions of corona cases sturgis was it yeah yeah i could go for it i could weekend in sturgis if necessary why not that's cool and what's the temperature right now in maui i just assume there's never any like forest fires there let me see how to all right maui yeah it's just 80 degrees and partly cloudy that's just wow that's a nice place to be is right now and actually the website is mauinow.com

you've been to hawaii right we've been to haw to Hawaii together. It's just very relaxing there. It's hard to be sad in Maui. Well, I've never been to Maui. I've only been to Honolulu. We've been to Honolulu a couple times. You've been a couple times, haven't you? Yeah. Honolulu is more of a city, but Maui is more of a island resort style vibes.

I have like a cousin that lives in Kauai. Oh, interesting. My only hesitation with living in Kauai is that I don't like Kauai Leonard that much. So I'd hate to like shout him out. If you were a Laker, you would fucking love Kauai Leonard so much. He'd be my favorite player ever. He's so fucking reserved and strong and good he's like yeah the second coming of kobe bryant in a way but because he didn't choose us

i'm sad and i don't want to live in kawaii yeah uh that's fair but i mean okay how about this good okay so we'll go with we'll go with ma. We'll look at real estate there, both permanent and semi-permanent. Maybe there's like an Airbnb we can rent for a few months or something. Or if one of the 331 people listening, any advice, maybe you have a compound there that's not being used right now.

Right, that'd be really helpful. It's also a very blue state, so you're not gonna like be dealing with a bunch of Trump supporters in Hawaii, I don i don't think yeah that'd be great yeah geez real estate's not cheap there in maui yeah it's all beachfront property yeah i mean this the cheapest i just searched searched on zillow for the cheapest place oh wait never mind that was a suggested home so there there are cheap cheap places that's good they're nice yet though airbnb though or you're looking at like straight up purchasing i i don't rent i don't give money to the damn man i split a purchase with the bank

that's what i do am i the bank if we can go all cash on some of these places that would be solid yeah or why don't we just go dutch oh nice on a condo in holland really yeah like go really dutch this is as dutch as it gets we'll become fucking, we'll become Dutchmen. Yeah. Amsterdam was really fun. I don't know what it's like weather wise, but I can only assume they have Corona in a better situation than we do in America. Well, you can assume that based on just where we have it the worst.

So anywhere else. Yeah. I hear Brazil's pretty bad. Fine. Yeah. Okay. That's good. It's good that we're not dead last this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet that has two hosts sort of in a depressed haze looking to move far far away from their current places i'm amir be awesome

i'm josh it'd be cool if it actually happens because like we'll be able to pinpoint where it started like this if this was the episode where jake and amir talked about moving to hawaii yeah or now they yeah now they live there it's been like 10 years and they're just in hawaii the thing is i don't think you have the the guts would you do it uh i'd have more of the guts now because everything is sort of unlivably bad in california like five years ago i'd be like california is no hawaii but it's close enough and it's you know there's a city here friends family and stuff but now i can't see anybody or do anything. There's no point to being here. I can't even see my parents. What would you do today if you were in Maui? I would probably go on a jog,

go on a jog, eat in a saiyan bowl, sort of like walk to the beach and listen to a podcast while like dipping my toes in the water going back watching like basketball would start at 2 p.m it would be like an afternoon sport then i would have the entire evening to do whatever the fuck i don't know watch a movie play video games make dinner fall asleep yeah that'd be nice making dinner similar to what we do now but like there's not just this orange hazy smoke monster outside so like you you don't smell the the sadness in the air as much because it's like a it's a fresh ocean breeze in maui and when you're in maui everything just sort of it's like a don't worry be happy style life would you start um

surfing or would you be more of a you'd'd be the jog guy? Maybe swimming. I don't know if I can, yeah. I would boogie board. I could boogie. It's fun to boogie. Surfing is like, that's a, you got to get there early. You got to have like a cool lifestyle. You got to have abs.

You have to have good balance. I can't even stand on a skateboard. You want me to like stand on water? Right. No, yeah. But I think, I i mean we could be boogie boarders and live in maui that's cool that'd be kind of dope remember sean jost yeah he lived in maui yeah well he lived in honolulu right yeah but he had like he made the move he

was like even before uh corona and the fires he he was just like minnesota's cold and i can live anywhere so i'm gonna go live in in honolulu yeah and he had a real job so he like had to his barrier to entry was a little harder than ours we just need to like pack up a few shirts bathing suits and a microphone literally nothing would change about our day-to-day lives except we'd be in a much better place we'd also it would be easier it would all be better place we'd also it would be easier it would all be we wouldn't have to it would be easier yeah it would be better yeah nothing would change but it would be better nothing would change except it'd be better okay so we should do it we should move to maui should. We're dumb if we don't. We're dumb when we don't.

We're dumb because we haven't. Yeah, and we still probably won't, sadly. But we can at least try. Let's at least try. Let's look at what's available in Maui. Yeah. Would you be able to vote if you were in Maui for November? You could still mail in i guess

yeah i already oh wait no i haven't voted yet but i'm voting early here so i'll be able to do it before um before i even go to maui or i'd get an absentee ballot or something you know yeah all right cool that's nice um it's important to vote any uh any tips on how to reduce how much coffee i drink every day says um um yeah we'll call this guy fucking fills fills uh he's at a point where he gets mad headaches and can't focus unless he's had three to four cups of that bean juice this guy's from canada i've been there i've been there i still am there sometimes and i think that it's not like sometimes i just can't stop drinking coffee even though i can feel it making me jittery even though i can feel it making me anxious yeah and then i'll just like have a

like a way too wired afternoon like where i'm not actually getting more work done i'm just sort of like i have a cold feeling in my yeah i have like a bad feeling in my stomach and i like have a lot of anxiety um i think the way to do that or i'm trying to do it myself you know frankly um one for me has been to eat more because i was not eating enough and i was drinking too much coffee yeah it sort of suppresses your appetite right so i'd like wake up sometimes like skip breakfast and then have coffee and then i like would just drink coffee straight up until lunch and then that's not good yeah um so i think i guess i would taper you can't go cold turkey but if you have like three to four cups try having three cups and no more and then once you level out there you go to two and a half cups you just

bring it you bring it down no one's asking you to quit cold turkey night we're not saying zero cups of coffee but get it down to get it down to one if that's what you want yeah or have let like when you could still have it like twice but like have half a cup instead of a full. So it's like you still get that itch where it's like, oh, I'm still tasting it, but it's like not as powerful or strong. Right. And what about drinking decaf?

You could go half and you do like a half caff too. Yeah, that's true. A little halfy. Do you ever do decaf? No, I never do. But it's under... I wonder if you would notice the difference. Yeah, I think I...

I mean, I probably would, at least on my first cup. I feel like my first cup of coffee actually does something to me, and then the rest is just like... Because I like the taste, and I like the ritual. Yeah. I mean, there's like an entire sort of uh maui cottage here that's like three bedrooms for like 4 500 a month like it's cheaper than paying rent uh where we are for sure we can almost rent out our place and live here for free

really if you really want to like talk about cost cutting so like we're also getting rid of like the the pain point of paying cash we'll probably break even and improve our mental health moving to maui wow um yeah we send it to me wowie yeah let's take a break we'll answer some real fucking questions on the other side of this break all All right, enough. Let's get in touch with a realtor. Let's get in touch. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL is

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we are back jake do you have any oh mom i'm coming! Gross. Woo! Yes. Yes, I actually do.

My sister Rachel and her band Honey Magpie just released a new album. Oh, a full album. Not just a song. Yeah. I can't tell what they have released because I backed the Kickstarter, so I might've gotten it early, but it's called Midnight Morning. Honey Magpie is the band.

The album is Midnight Morning and either the album is there or their first single is out Midnight Morning. They're on Spotify though. You can find out. All right. So Honey Magpie is what to search and then the album is called Midnight Morning. They're on Spotify, though. You can find out. Oh, sweet. All right, so Honey Magpie is what to search, and then the album is called Midnight Morning? Yes, yes, yes.

Tight. Absolutely tight. Did you download the album? No, not yet, but I can now that I have internet access again. Wait, your internet was out? No, I've been having rolling blackouts due to heat and fire. So for hours at a time, I just don't have electricity. But I think I'm good to go now.

I really appreciate if you'd support my sister's band is all. Yeah, I said I would. It was just really hot in here. I know you're going through your shit, but it's petty compared to the struggles of an artist. Yeah, we're starting to get ants. Because it's so hot out in the fire, get yeah we're starting to get ants because it's so hot out in the fire they're sort of starting to come into the house it's hard to just trying to figure it all out it's hard because without coming in chic seeking refuge i actually took in a family

of coyotes i'm a doctor but in a sad way because they're all trying to kill me i'm noah's fart to dominate you noah's fart that's good um my unsolicited advice the exact opposite of your last week's off the grid i am leaning into the grid more than ever. I'm getting more and more into TikTok. Oh, TikTok. And if you go to my page, it's literally a grid, a grid of the content that I'm uploading. What's the last thing you uploaded? I got to tell you, I was fucking around with this app,

I think starting in July, and it all felt very foreign and crazy and weird and dancing and singing. And I couldn't quite figure it out. But the more I get into it, the more I really like it. There's huge sub-communities like Reddit dedicated to everything. So there's like videos for everybody. And it's not just like singing and it's not dancing. And it's like you can get into tennis TikTok and learn how to play or tennis highlights. You can go into cooking TikTok and learn how to make food, gardening, DIY.

There's little bite-sized entertaining content. And the app does a very good job of showing you what's been upvoted and watched and viewed a lot. And it also does a good job of blasting out the videos that I put out. Some of them are old videos of us. Some of it are new videos that I put out. Some of them are old videos of us. Some of it are new videos that I put out there. And if the algorithm finds it powerful or useful or people are finding it, I have like some videos that have 600,000, 700,000 views. An old video of mine that I uploaded has 2 million

views. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty crazy. Avital uploaded two-up clips of hers that like you know would get a couple thousand views on instagram each have one and a half million views she has like 30,000 followers now in the app it's really cool holy shit is she gonna keep on uploading those yeah of course it's it's amazing it's an insane it's like yeah it's the equivalent of like being on the front page of youtube but it's all done through tiktok wow i should tell i should tell my sister liza to put her stand up on it too yeah and like you people discover stuff with hashtags but there's like other different ways like filters you can search by like green screen filters anybody that's done a green screen video anyone that's done a duet video and it's you

know it started off very immature and like i felt very old on the app and now i feel like i'm starting to understand what the hell's going on there very cool uh yeah i downloaded tiktok i think maybe around the same time you did um and i went the other way i recently deleted it yeah you gotta you gotta fucking get back in there even without posting videos like just like videos of i I don't know, rock climbing, Yosemite, whatever the fuck. Fitness, there's like a bunch of fitness videos. There is something for everybody, not unlike Reddit.

I think I needed to just do a better job of curating. I was just in like the random discover page. Are you following specific communities too? Or is it just like based on your behavior, it's showing you those communities? Based on my behavior and based on my likes so like when you fire up the app it shows you your for you page which is just like trending videos that they think you'll like and then there's also a different tab that's like people that you follow so it's like oh i like this guy who's making food yeah i'll follow him oh i like this um whatever dude that's doing political humor i'll follow that and then it

shows so then you're free then you're then your discover page starts to show you more stuff like that yeah exactly and there's also like just a bunch of silly stupid videos as well like a guy who goes to mcdonald's and orders food and then pours all the food on his face and lap inside of his own car to prank the people who are working there but they're all just like confused like why did you pour a milkshake down your shirt so like stupid fucking ridiculous content like that is fun to watch as well wow all right and how is your vr world vr has taken a backseat to tiktok really yeah spending less time in vr and more time on tiktok yes because now i'm trying to like game tiktok so i'm like watching these videos like which sounds are trending how can i like makes make a video that blows up in this fucking hashtag

because i'm trying to get as many followers as possible on tiktok so that as twitter and instagram invariably die like facebook did i still have this community of followers somewhere interesting so if you're on tiktok or if you want to get tiktok uh follow me okay bloomer is my name man i just don't i'm almost convinced to redownload it but i have to i've to, I've got to wait and let it marinate. It's very like, it's almost like Instagram on drugs. It's just like feels very hyperactive. And there's so many like niche, interesting little things about it. I also, somebody emailed me and verified me, shout out to Anthony and told me about like

the TikTok creator fund fund which i qualify for that tiktok like pays people to post they pay you per view so there's like a world where if i post popular videos they'll give me cash which is like this weird added bonus i'm not really sure how that works that's nice but i'm learning about that definitely the other platforms aren't doing that yeah i think they're trying to win over uh creators that have put their stuff on youtube and instagram and they're like right i guess it's like a music model too right like on spotify you get paid per play yeah exactly a lot but people post their music on there for sure somebody posted an old video of us that got like

hundreds of thousands of views i'm like oh i should post old videos of us i have old video of us that got like hundreds of thousands of views. I'm like, oh, I should post old videos of us. I have old videos of us. I am us. Yeah. Can we just post Jake and Amir's on there? It's tough because it has to be between 15 and 60 seconds. So we can't post full episodes. They also have to be edited vertically and it helps to have subtitles.

So it's best to take fun 30-second chunks of videos. But it also can't be the only thing you post. So I'm posting some new stuff, some old stuff, seeing what works out well and what doesn't. But it's been fun. Gaming it indeed. Gaming it you are, brother. So check it out.

TikTok, I don't know if you guys have heard about it, but it's pretty fun. Yeah, it's this niche app that I... We should probably get paid to endorse it, but here i am doing it for free wow they're running commercials have you seen the tiktok commercials i have on the bill simmons podcast he was talking about tiktok i was like oh i could talk about tiktok in fact here's an example of a seven minute editorial i just did they're also doing like television commercials. Yes, I have seen during basketball. It almost looks like a Facebook ad.

It's like totally they're showing like all the cool, interesting videos you can view. You're just one click away. Heartfelt moments. Yeah, exactly. There is something for everybody. There is something to it. Check it out again. Okay, fine.

That's just my advice for you. Everybody else can take it or leave it. All right, cool. Done. All right. okay fine that's just my advice for you everybody else can take it or leave it all right cool done uh all right should we try to answer a few more questions before we move to maui uh yeah why not i just i just popped up this uh airbnb you sent me and my god man it seems very relaxing right yeah that's really nice and like the bad part is quarantining for two weeks in a hotel but even that part sounds fine definitely because you're sort of still in maui while you do that two weeks of what you're basically doing now except the reward is that you are in maui after and right now you're in you're still in the same place after yeah so like instead of opening the window uh and hearing a

freeway and breathing smoke you'll open a window and hear the ocean and breathe fresh air. That's good. Oh, here's a guy that's been ridiculed by his coworkers for being cautious about COVID. So we'll call him Conor. Conor. Conor. Conor.

Spelled Conor. I love it. I work at a law office that has brought 33% of its attorneys back to the office. Still cautious over COVID, I decided to use one of the empty offices to eat my lunch instead of a communal break room. Eating in our own office is not allowed. So during lunch, a couple of coworkers walked by and roasted me for my choice. They even fetched other people to come watch me eat through the glass window. After that,

I moved to the break room just in case my manager didn't approve. I didn't want to have a disciplinary hearing scheduled or anything. Was I in the right or was what they did weird? Yeah, that one. Yeah, they're bad. You're cautious. You're not supposed to just go into work where they're probably not testing you and they're just all eating and breathing in a small room together. That's the number one way to get it. It's so weird to me that people that aren't essential workers that have been able to work from home this entire time are being told to come back into the office like before there's a cure yeah like what's like what's essential about these 33 percent of attorneys that work at their office it's crazy just why why rush there's no there's no need to do that i asked him, I responded, I said, where in America is this? Do you have any guesses? What state? Georgia?

Close, Texas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why is half the country wrong on it? That doesn't make any sense. There's no other country where half the country is just wrong on this thing. Is there?

That's my question about literally any debate we're having in America right now. Woman's rights to choose. Why is half the country wrong? Climate change. Why is half the country wrong about this? Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. It makes sense that there are people that are trying to divide us, but it doesn't make sense that it's just so specific, so inconveniently even. Yeah, it makes sense that they're trying to divide us. It just doesn't make sense that it's working. Yeah. Like, anybody can think we're dumb, but why are they right about it? Why is it accurate? It's just so it's so unfortunate yeah unfortunate because he's not only loud but it's working for him so he'll say stuff that shouldn't work but then like most people agree with him or at the very least majority of large states like florida and pennsylvania

who's our congressional representative in maui oh that's a good question. We should know about local politics before we move there. But I did look up and Hillary got like 60% of the vote there, which is pretty high compared to other states. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Okay. I mean, there's rich white people everywhere.

That's comfortable, but that's a pretty blue state. Okay. That's good. That's good. All right. One last question question uh yeah here we go we'll call this guy um barack obama because he's from hawaii over the last year i had to change the contact names of all the females on the on my phone in case i would get a text in a romantic way. This girl I consider a friend had really hard feelings for me for reasons of

wanting to protect her. I changed all the girls' names I'm interested in to common guys' names, like Phil or Bob, so that my female friend wouldn't be upset. But here's the problem. I no longer need to encode the female names to talk on my phone because I recently got back on the dating scene. The problem is I forget the true identities of some of the names of the people i talked to i met most of them on dating apps so how do i re-find out the girls names without offending them i mean you can't what why did you do what you did because he'd be like getting texts from like phil and bob instead of like carol and uh c Caitlin. So like if he's seeing a girl. But he didn't have a girlfriend.

Yeah, he had like a girl that he was interested in and she would see that. Oh, I thought he said, okay. I thought it was just his friend. I think he was saying it like a lady friend, like something more than a friend, yeah. A friend that would get offended that his phone would be blowing up with lady names.

So someone he was dating getting more serious with yeah he wanted okay so he changed it all and now he's like i'm not seeing that girl anymore but all the phones all the names in his phones are like phil and bob and joe and he can't he feels bad asking what these ladies names are okay so go back into the dating app um where you originally met them find the number type it in your phone press call and it'll say calling bob and then you can hang up really quick that's good change it yeah that's if you still have the messages right i guess if he deleted the apps while he was dating this girl that's gonna be an issue but i feel like he i feel like this guy didn't delete anything he just hit it right like it's not like this guy

he didn't delete these girls numbers he didn't stop texting them he just changed their names so i feel like he's a little secretive horn dog i feel like this app just went to the back of his phone and he turned the notifications off i think that's what happened that's good what about the classic hey just got a new phone what's your name what's your uh how do i know you or whatever the fuck i think you just don't ever ask their like you can't text somebody and say what's's your name? And then also try to have sex with them. That's not. Not even, oh, my phone.

Oh my God, my phone just deleted all my fucking texts. I'm so sorry. What's, who is this again? That's believable. Yeah, but you also could just, anybody whose name you're talking, like if you're talking to Phil and you don't know Phil's real name,

why do you need to know it? Why wouldn't you just be like, hey, how is your week going? You want to meet up? And then you guys meet up. She won't say her name. She won't say her name. But like Seinfeld? Yeah, exactly.

I feel like he hasn't forgotten the names of the people. He just forgot the name that he changed it to. So it's not, you know, like if he sees somebody, he'll be like, oh, this person is this person. Right. Like, I think he just confused himself. I don't think you need to know everyone's name. You'll get that information soon enough. Yeah.

Like, you'll meet up and then you'll be like, all right, let's see some ID, Missy. Sort of like doing like. I think he'll know them when they meet up. I think he'll know them when'll meet up and then you'll be like all right let's see some id missy sort of like doing like i think he'll know that i think he'll know them when they meet up i think he'll know them when they meet up not if he never got met up with them oh he i don't know i feel like i thought he was talking about you just get a scent like this is a jessica like you're getting that i thought that he was talking about girls that were that he had been hanging out with that are trying to meet up with him, still texting him and stuff. Yeah. If he's like straight up starting from zero.

Yeah. Just like I was flirting with these people and I don't know their names. That's right. It's still fine. It's still fine. You can get the name on the day. All right. Get the name on the day.

But I suggest also saying, I just had to get a new phone because I went fucking skiing, hella skiing, and it dropped and I had to get a new iPhone 11 Max. It's really nice. It's rose gold and I want to know what your name is. It's like, I don't want, it's so unsexy to text anyone

that you had a problem with your phone it's not a problem it's uh i had an issue where i where i where i lost all of my contacts i went to the genius bar adding all my old contacts my phone's in rice you i'm texting you from my dad's iPad. Hold on, my fucking kid sister needs to watch TikTok. Don't text me for like an hour, but let me know what your name is via email. Subject line your phone number, please. Thank you. I'm filling out my Rolodex, actually. I want to know your address, your middle name.

Write it on a card. Here's a random question. What's your middle name? And then she'll say, like, Sarah. And you're like, so what's your full name? And then she's like, Jessica, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker. Sally Jessie Raphael.

Holy shit. All right, a lot of options. Let us know what you end up going with. All right, that's it it that's our episode we daydreamed a lot but we finally got it we answered some questions yeah yeah uh for more questions and uh actually for your questions and theme songs send them to if i were you show at gmail.com the opening one on as you remember was by connor and this closing one is by matthew trovano uh he he hopes you like the song because it's a parody of one of his own songs called back to you if you could plug the song it's on all streaming services so there you go cool a song called back to you by matthew trov. This is a parody of that song.

There's also more videos of us doing these podcasts, watching Jake and Amir episodes, all that stuff on our Patreon, Lonely and Horny Season 1 and 2, and that's at patreon.com slash JA. Ja. And we're also on this week's HeadGum podcast, so listen to that, the HeadGum podcast. Both of us together. A lot of content. A lot of content

for you to enjoy. As everything burns, burns, burns, there is a season. Burns, burns, burns, burns. Alright, see you next week, everybody. Need some advice from a podcast duo i could cry i just need some help just tell me what i should do

maybe check in the mirror of a podcast duo i could email in all of my questions too If I were you You got questions for Amir and the bitch Not to worry, send them to if I were you that was a hate gun podcast