Segments - 453: Telling Time (w/Finn Wolfhard and Billy Bryk!)

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

Friends, actors, and Headgum's newest podcasters join us to discuss caricatures, hot dogs, and their show LACKLUSTER VIDEO.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at HeadGum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. If I were you, and I'm so confused. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight. I need some advice about starting my new job or polishing my knob. Really anything, anywhere You can think of Like finding Raven's nest Or finally moving west Or losing her to someone with a

Slightly heavier chest I won the golden mic today There's nothing you can say That's one for Ben One for me And 500 for Jake Don't waste your time Trying to figure it out.

Just email these two dudes. Don't waste your time trying to figure it out. Just email these two dudes. If I were you. Wow, so good. Is there a second verse? A second verse? If I were you. Wow. So good. Is there a second verse? A second verse?

What the hell? That was like, was that six minutes? Was that all? I could have listened to it forever. I don't know. It feels longer. They reunited just for that. That was Tom, dude.

Tom is back. Tom DeLong came back. Yeah, they made up, you know? That was Tom, dude. Tom is back. Tom DeLong came back. Yeah, they made up, you know? That was cool. We brought Blank back, guys. What do you say? We brought them back. What do I say?

I say, congratulations, Blank. You're back. It actually wasn't them. It wasn't them. It was a guy named, it was a 19-year-old musician in Ann Arbor named Seth Dyer. Seth Dyer and Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker? That's not Blink at all. But I mean, still pretty good, two out of three.

You know, Tom's not really, there's a chasm there. Tom's not coming back. Yeah, it wasn't that bad. So I think the three are enough to tell you. Yeah, I guess the new Blink lineup is this fucking guy and Matt Skiba. So it's Matt Skiba, this fucking guy, and still Travis. Travis is still down to do drums, which is good. Yeah, Travis Barker and Lil Wayne. It wasn't them! Jesus. Sorry. guy and still travis travis is still down to do drums which is good yeah travis barton little way

it wasn't them jesus sorry but it was it wasn't an airway was it airwaves was it angels and airways so then tom is there i think it was angels and airways yeah it was a 19 year old musician currently living in ann arbor he has an instagram that's public now dire consequences d-y-e-r dot consequences how does he know i'm sorry you're gonna say that that tom delong who's a guy who's made music for years and just because yeah just because he's going to hunt aliens doesn't mean that he doesn't play guitar in his spare time so you don't think that this is maybe a demo i don't think this is a demo making i think this is a fucking fan. I think this is like an alias or like it's like a fake name.

Or if it's the real guy, then he knows DeLong because DeLong was maybe playing his custom strat during that time. Jake, I was gonna say the same thing. Why? There's no fucking way you would have said that. That's such a weird thing for Jake to say, let alone you were

gonna say that same thing. Can you even remember what he said? What were you going to say? See, you can't. You don't know what that was. No, he said something cool. He was like Mark Hoppus. Soul Shakedown Studios

in San Diego, run by this guy's friend, Jacob, who's really taking off. In San Diego? In San Diego? That's where Blink formed. That is where Blink formed. That is where they fucking are. It didn't even sound like Tom. Well his voice has changed over the years. Yeah his voice has changed over time.

Where are you? For that long and not have some type of Whoa Billy are you fucking He's not. You know him. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but it's Tom DeLonge. It's Tom DeLonge, of course.

He's the pod person. Oh, my God. Finn and Billy, welcome to the show. Wow, wow, wow. Bravo. Thank you for having us. Wow, yeah. Thank you.

Bravo. Music critics slash comedian actors, and now HeadGum podcasters. HeadGum's newest podcasters. Yes. That'sters. HeadGum's newest podcasters. Yes. That's right. HeadGum's newest roster. Mm-hmm.

Newest roster. Billy Brick, Finn Wolfhard. So what's the deal with your podcast, Lackluster Video? What's, uh, give me the elevator pitch. Well, uh,

Billy and I, uh, are two film fans. Uh, we pick a movie each week to talk about. And then at the very end, we play a game where Billy gets a randomly generated movie title and two randomly generated actors, and we have to pitch that movie. So it's kind of a slice-of-life podcast where we talk about the movies we like. We talk about stuff in our own lives. Then we play a fun little improv game at the end of the title.

How do you randomly generate the title? Yeah. There's a book. It's called Book Title Generator, and I guess it's just for people that can't come up with a title for their book, which I feel like is pretty kind of a red flag for the rest of the book if you can't even get a title. That's the shortest thing you have to write is the title.

Yeah. There's one that's like, I've written the book already, or there's an option that says, I haven't started yet and it's like maybe do something else then do some research or think about it or something before you maybe start writing so i just went to it and i got the title uh the buried window that's actually perfect for the memoir exactly yeah i actually wrote the great next great american novel i was just i was stuck on the title, but everything else is pitch perfect. God, thank you so much. What's it about?

What is it about? It's about a fucking bat. Huh? It's about a bat. It's not about a bat, but there's a bat in it. You said it was about a bat. It's called The Buried Window. How does that work?

I feel like I'm putting big put up. It's about Barry Bonds. It's about Barry Bonds. So that's what you meant by a bat being in it? Like his baseball bat? It's about Bernie Madoff. So Barry Bonds, the Buried Window,

which actually makes sense because he ends up smashing a window at Bernie Madoff's house. Because did Madoff kill himself in jail? I should have looked this up before I wrote it. That's the wrong guy. Wrong guy? Yeah. Okay.

All right. Yeah. So with some tweaks, it's basically about this all-star. With some tweaks? What the fuck was it like before that? To pivot this book, like as you're pitching it to before that it was about to pivot this book like as you're pitching it to us you're re you it's not done you have to go back to the drawing board because you clearly change you had made off killing himself in jail and this is the next great

american memoir is how you said it and then you got mad that we asked like what did you mean by that what is it about yeah because i feel like i'm being put on the spot if i was setting up a pitch for like penguin or random house i would have been more prepared i well that was that that's the other thing about when we randomly generate uh like actors um there it's always people that are either canceled or dead like you can it's so rare you get two people every podcast you hear every podcast you were you hear billy go and i can't say that. And then he has to do it again. So what list is this? Where are you guys finding this?

That's just a random celebrity.com. There's a website called randomcelebrity.com? Yeah, there's a random everything.com. I'm on it. That's my domain, baby. Have you ever?

No, no. Could you imagine? I don't think I'm up there yet. I don't think you're canceled enough or dead enough for them to put you on there. You're definitely dead enough. This is why I'm on this podcast. That makes sense. To get there.

Yeah, Amir has been editing our podcast, which is... It's good. It's humbling, but it's necessary, and it feels... I mean, I don't appreciate the tone in some of your notes emails, but it's been fun to sort of go back to the drawing board. It's necessary? Yeah. This is what we're talking about in the emails,

this smug attitude. And that's necessary to fucking talk about? Sorry about that. I meant that it's been fun to hear from you guys and then i don't necessarily need to shake this is why we haven't this is why we haven't asked you on the podcast yet because sometimes you know like this kind of stuff like you know business and friends yeah like ruins it and so yeah we had a mirror on and it was just a fucking nightmare and um it was a good it was to have you on when i was on it no to have you on would be

i don't want yeah i don't want anything to happen episode when I was on it. No, to have you on would be a loss. Yeah, I don't want anything to happen to our relationship. It's too important to me at the same time. Same. Too late, Amir. That's a bridge too far gone. Yeah. But I mean, we did promise you at HeadGum that you guys would have your own intern.

If Amir's not working out, you guys can just let us know. I'm working out. I'm working out. Yesterday, Finn called me at three in the morning and i woke up and i started cutting a new episode just based on his little he was sort of laughing while he gave me demands yeah and then he and then he fell asleep and then i called him again and i told him to work out so he got on the floor started doing push-ups until he started crying i passed out eventually he passed out was this painted for you finn i painted for you was that not good enough sir

i did faint for you how long were you unconscious how long were you unconscious like i said i don't know i was passed out but by the time i came billy's nodding along and curious in a way that makes me think that he told finn to call you yeah i'm not the sun was up yeah billy's the mastermind the morning after you had passed out no it was that night why am i fucking i already did this so you pass out for one night and all of a sudden that you think you're like some type of martyr you know i didn't say that actually that reminds me of a book that i'm writing called the martyr it's about marty mcfly killing himself in order to save an entire region of Libya

because it's sort of back to the future four in a way, which is a sequel prequel because it takes place in the 1700s instead of the 2000s. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's a sequel prequel where Marty McFly kills himself.

Yeah, Martyr McFly. And is this Michael J. Fox as well no it's a it's matthew fox holy shit matthew fox from matthew lost no matthew mcfox marty mcfly's cousin matthew mcfox he's sort of named after played by who played by scott wolf Played by Scott Wolf. Written by Dick Wolf. By the way, Amir, don't get fucking defensive when we ask you these questions. This is insane. Dick Wolf wrote it for Scott. No, we don't.

Matthew McFox was named after Matt Fox because he was born the day Matthew Fox was born. Written by Dick Wolf. Story by Dick Cheney. Based on a novel by 2 Chainz. Formerly known as Titty Boy. You get it. Anyway, I'll send it to you guys. It's a PDF right now on my phone.

Holy shit. The movie is a PDF? It's gone. Good. I mean good. Probably because you saved a video file as a pdf that's probably what zuckerberg probably freaking have you guys seen the social dilemma yet have you fucking seen it i watched it last night i watched it last night is it everything i'm hearing it is and i can't

stop hearing it is it's i think i know about it already is what yeah yeah i think it's pretty weird of social media this morning i i woke up to uh to get like there was a stove being delivered to my place so i had to be up really early and i sent finn like 14 minutes straight of a video of me talking about the social dilemma which you haven't seen yet how necessary i haven't seen it but it was like how necessary it is for him to watch it and then uh and then yeah fell back asleep woke up about 25 minutes ago got a slice and then now we're doing this what about the stove what happened to the stove fuck if i know dude what stove for a stove also your apartment didn't

come with a stove that's like such a built-in amenity well it's not technically like an apartment like it's not like a livable apartment yet we're like working on it it's a bit of a fixer-upper it's a garage so where do you where do you use the bathroom what do you mean where do you shit and piss well it depends like tomorrow morning i'm waiting for the the guy to come in and install a urinal for me to shit and piss in so it depends it doesn't depend that means you't. I'm waiting for the bidet guy to come in. A urinal and a bidet are the only two things you need. Where do you shit and piss now? Well, I haven't shit and pissed in, I've only been here for two weeks, but I've been kind

of holding it in. What? And there's a Starbucks across the street, but I've been too nervous to go in there because like we're in a pandemic. So like only the necessities, right? Yeah. You're probably suffocating yourself. Your body is probably yeah

you're you're you're drowning yourself in shit and piss i assume do you have the website loaded because uh let's answer some questions this is if i were you after all the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and jake and finn and billy really this time we got a question from a lady so we're going to give her a fake name to preserve her anonymity unless you guys want to come up with one we can hit that celebrity name generator uh oh you want to do a celebrity name generator finn you want to or okay i'll give you the the option to come up with one finn okay actually you know what billy billy give finn a celebrity and finn you uh you come up with the name of their assistant and that's the name we'll use yes yes okay got it got it Julia Roberts

rub tub tubber Julia Roberts assistant rub tub tubber writes my boyfriend has a caricature of himself and his ex-girlfriend on the wall in his hallway it's an absurd photo sorry portrait of her riding horseback style and his ex-girlfriend on the wall in his hallway. It's an absurd photo, sorry, portrait

of her riding horseback style on his back as he is a senator playing the trumpet in the drawing, of course. And I hate it. When I told him it makes me feel vulnerable to have a reminder of his ex hanging up there, he says it's just a cartoon and offered to take it down, but never has.

Am I a psychopath if this is still bothering me do i push it or chill out how do i even bring it up again i live with him so it's difficult to out of sight out of mind this one thanks in advance for your advice long time fan sincerely rub tub tubber julia roberts assistant yes okay fucking office of. Okay. Fucking break it off. Break it off immediately. Instant break up with him. This guy sounds fucking insane. First of all, Tab...

Sorry, honey, I'm not a centaur in real life either. She's my ex. Relax. It's a cartoon. I don't even play the trumpet. It's a cartoon that someone that used to love me drew of me. Yeah, fuck this guy also it's a it's a character caricature of himself that's right hanging up with an ex-girlfriend in a hall in his own house making her feel uncomfortable we went to rome and i popped the cue and then we got it fucking drawn of us, like, in celebration. But, dude, it's fine. I'm over her.

She said no. End of story slash discussion slash relationship. He's crying in the caricature. Why did we commission it after she said no? I wanted to lighten the mood, dude. I think if you live there, you have a case to take it down. This is your place, too. This is part of the interior decoration decisions you should make as a couple.

Yeah, he says, I live with him, so it's difficult to out of sight, out of mind this one. This just feels like some weird power play. Like, power move. Like, you see this? This is my old girlfriend. Like, this, it just feels weird yeah right so what you could do is commission something where you are a mermaid and your ex is a merman and you're blowing his fish dick in that's opposite you hang that up and you're like as

long as we're cool with this type of like hentai fan fuck. And or eating out mermaid vagina. Oh, two merfolk 69ing and it's you and your ex. And that'll go in the bathroom or the dining room. If you have a, yeah, maybe above like a buffet would be nice. Maybe a mermaid to merman 96ing yeah but that's back to back 96ing 96ing at an underwater mcdonald's why is that says cactus jack sent me what that's cool at the mcdonald's you could have like submarines submarines in the drive-thru i just think that'd be like quirky and kind of fun um yeah that's just a little aside that's just a little joke i mean i

don't just jake and i have before i take a stance on this you guys does anybody have a caricature up of them in their own house before i i don't anymore my parents you had anymore oh from your bar mitzvah but that's just hilarious's just hilarious. I'm like looking around this room to make sure I don't, but of course I don't. Of course I don't have one. Shit. Yeah, that'd be insane. Oh, shit.

My caricature is in frame. Because what the fuck? Like, I don't know. You're an adult, I would assume, and like, what the fuck? Don't have a caricature up on the wall. 13 living with his girlfriend yeah yeah it would be different if it was a funny caricature that he had of himself and it's like it's the fact

that it's with his ex-girlfriend um you know like presumably you're not friends with her anymore right um is it worse or better if they're friends i feel like it's worse that they're friends if they're friends and he still has the picture of her hanging well if the couple if the couple would be fucking insane right if the couple's friends with her you know what i mean there could be a a world in which you know they were really really close and then they broke up and but they remain friends and then the girl the new girlfriend also is friends with her you know it's like a past kind of like oh we used to date but now we're all friends um but i don't think that's the case i think that this guy just has a fucking caricature of him on us as a centaur

with her riding on his back and here this is the rich equation that has to go on it's like you have you've got this is a big deal to you and not a big deal to him because he said it's only a cartoon i'll take it down so like end of discussion you just remind him tell him to take it down big deal to you small deal to him it's over or he's keeping it up because it's also a big deal to him which should make it a bigger deal for you then like no matter what this thing has to come to a head also the, the thing is... You can get a new caricature drawn of both of them. If he needs a fucking caricature of him, he could just get a new one.

I don't think they're that expensive to get done. I also like... Oh, yeah, I could take it down if you want to, and he just never does. Did he offer to take it down? He offered to take it. He just said he'd take it down. He offered to take it down he just said he'd take it down he offered to take it down but didn't

I'll take it down I think you definitely are well within your right to just say dude just yeah take it down what do you cause if it bothers you that much you should understand that and if he doesn't fuck him you can find anybody with a horse's body

and a human you can find another centaur horse's body and a human horse. You can find another centaur out there. That was not the artistic liberty of the artist. Do you think he's actually a centaur? There's like a million centaurs out there. Yeah, exactly. Okay, fucking Amir, Jesus.

What? Like really short sign. Are you body shaming centaurs? No, I'm not body shaming centaurs. Oh, I just refreshed the celebrity generator. Amir's on here. That's fine. Are you body shaming centaurs? No, I'm not body shaming centaurs. It doesn't. Oh, I just refreshed the celebrity generator. Amir's on here. That's weird. I'm canceled. What the fart? This would never happen

to me before you guys came on. Now you fucking watch your words, man. You can't say fuck anymore. Alright, let's take a break. You gotta be careful. Let's thank some sponsors and we'll answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

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Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Sorry about that. Nice. Yeah, I did until I heard that. I ended with Mom, I'm coming. Well, yeah, you sort of ignore the

that part's like Jake said it once and we i didn't say that okay one of us said it one of us you sounded like tom delong but i'm not sure i'm coming my mom's here um yeah i have i have like a a life hack um Hot dogs for breakfast. Tell me less. Fuck you. I figure I don't even need to explain myself, but here it goes anyway. That's not advice. It's definitely not a life hack.

It's a life hack. In what sense? In what sense? I'll tell you. When I was in school, in my schooling days, I would show up for lectures oftentimes late because I would sleep in and they were in the morning. And then I'd be really hungry and we'd have like a five-minute break. And there was a street dog stand right outside my university.

And I would go get a hot dog. And I realized that it's like a portable breakfast food. You got pretty much toast, sausage, some onions and pickles. And then, I mean, I'm a mustard man. But if you wanted to put ketchup on it, that's not, like, a bad thing to do. We're not worried about the condiments part of it. But the condiments. What time of day was it?

9.30 a.m. 9.30 a.m.? Yeah, you'd think that a hot dog is, like, a lunch food or, like, maybe, like, a quick dinner. You think that it gives you regular poops. It doesn is a hot dog yeah i don't think a hot dog is a meal in it at all i think a hot dog is a snack but what is who eats a breakfast meal on the weekdays like if you have to you have to run it's like a portable snack it's like so is a fucking luna bar billy yeah but i would rather a hot dog it's hot they make it for me there i'm supporting local businesses name right a logo a slogan especially in a fucking pandemic i would rather a hot dog is a slogan for a hot dog brand yeah i don't know

what the hot dog stand situation is as far as the pandemic goes but i mean i that's just i just ordered a hot dog on uber eats that's what i'm eating for lunch that's the grossest thing i've ever heard in my entire life a hot dog for lunch that's a breakfast fucking swine you absolute swine you're ordering it for fuck for lunch i don't even think about hot where do you order one like what's the what's the restaurant that i'm ordering from a place called japa dog which uh if you're if you ever come to vancouver's a very great tourist uh kind of amazing uh place it's like uh like uh japanese fusion hot dogs i went there and i ate i ate a hot dog there it was how was it japanese about it it was incredible it was very good it was and what time of day was it it was evening it was a dinner it was a dinner

so much later than breakfast oh but you know you have breakfast for dinner breakfast for dinner is a thing guys so i did a little breakfast for dinner action. I had a hot dog. What's Japanese about the hot dog, though? What are they doing that's Japanese about it? Is it a cucumber roll? Is it an open-faced cucumber roll? No, they put Japanese ingredients. Yeah, they put ketchup on it.

No, they put Japanese mayo. Yeah, they put miso stuff on it sometimes. And seaweed. And it's sushi. It's also sushi. What do you get on the side of a Japa dog? Yeah. Some fries and a Saturday morning cartoon.

You're eating full fucking baseball stadium fare at 8 in the morning. Billy's in a lecture with a footlong, a footlong hot dog. A footlong Nathan's hot dog dipped in a honey mustard with nachos on the side. And a foam finger. That can't be good when you wake up. Yeah.

Don't get me wrong, the foam finger's fucking delicious too, but you don't hear me writing about it. And for lunchtime I'll eat frozen yogurt out of a plastic hat that's my that's my diet like a baseball game Finn can you be that life hack hot dog for breakfast are we doing life hacks now I didn't

know that that was I didn't know that was a hack yeah any advice really yeah I didn't know that was a life hack either it's just an idea for breakfast started doing this and it's something i'm kind of still support local businesses as much as possible because i remember billy and i were at uh we were at a supermarket when we were shooting in or a safeway yeah it was safeway in calgary we were both shooting a movie and uh i really i wanted to go to the to the selfout, and Billy looked at me like I had actually murdered someone. And he was like, why?

And I was like, because. And he was like, you've got to support real people, or else the robots are going to take over, and they're going to take over for the real people. At this point, Billy was fucking slamming down wet hot dogs Kobayashi style. It was 11.45 and all bets were off. He was just dunking buns in water and shoving them into his cheeks. Yeah, don't use self-checkout.

That's the better advice. Yeah, don't. Yeah, try not to use self-checkout. Don't freaking let the robots replace people. Use real cashiers. There's so many jobs that'll be lost when that just becomes normal. We got a question from a dude who's actually traveling from Pittsburgh to Georgia. So, Billy, do you have a fake guy's name?

Dune Inbox. All right, you're clearly just in your Gmail or something. I thought you were going to say Dune Tenet. He's looking at his tabs. Dune T inbox. The middle name is Tenet. You're right. Dune Tenet writes,

I just moved to Savannah from Pittsburgh with my girlfriend because she's going to the Savannah College of Arts and Design. It was crazy to move during this time, and a lot was in my head, but driving through other states with different levels of COVID restriction was super stressful. I was wondering if you guys had any advice on what to do in a new place that I feel like I cannot even explore yet because there's a global frigging pandemic going on. I have mostly been to larger corporate places for groceries and have a company-wide restriction. I can't even check out any cool local businesses yet.

Wink wink. Because everyone is a little more relaxed with the restrictions here. Also, suggestions for any suggestions for anyone to check out after things improve would be Cherry. Thanks, dudes. Has anybody been to Savannah here? Savannah, ooh na na.

Nice. That's Havana. What? That's Havana, Cuba. Oh, the hips don't lie and I'm going to Savannah time. savannah nice that's havana what that's havana different song that was a weird muppet of hips don't lie I think it's Rihanna

number one order a stove they're pretty clutch they probably already have a stove. Yeah, they have that. And a urinal. And a urinal. Because if you need to shit, you need to have the urinal in your place.

Yeah. I shoot Stranger Things in Atlanta, Georgia. But I've never been. Atlanta, ooh, nah, nah. Nice. My hips don't lie and I'm going to atlanta now sorry one second finn was talking this is you stepping off the airplane sir you somehow clogged the the airport toilet I've never been to Savannah before

But I know there's a ton of beaches around there I know there might be places to That's good There might be places to go where there's not a lot of people Or, you know I'm moving to Savannah Gonna visit a lot of beaches Sweet home, Savannah Alabama lot of beaches sweet home the savannah alabama mama i'm coming home to you just like go to a

baseball game or something even if it's little league um i'd say dog sit down go to like a carnival run a kissing booth kiss the beach was good beach mouth kiss. The beach was good. Beach was good. I don't know how Billy derailed it. We're talking about frenching a 12-year-old that you don't know. Six flags over Georgia. You gotta go there. It's a fucking blast. Do not go.

They serve funnel cake. No. A lot of people kind of talk really loud and spit when they talk. What about fucking Chicago? What about Chicago? Just drive there. Just talk about shit to do. Yeah, you could go to Chicago and do like a deep dish.

Yeah, drive to Dallas. It's a different city. And if you're down to really travel, if you're down to really go somewhere, like the London... He wants to explore Savannah. I was just going to say the London Eye, that like big fucking Ferris wheel. Right, the huge fucking Ferris wheel in England. Very, very dope.

I think the advice I would give is if you're in Savannah, drive to Houston. That's cool. Yeah, Houston. I hear the beaches are beautiful in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica this time of year. But be careful, it might be crab season. What the fuck are you talking about there's beaches there that was great go to the beach outdoor I hear beaches are very covid safe because outdoors

it's breezy it's hard to get sick what's my name what's eureka where'd you get that where'd you get that what about Dakota what's my name because you could go to South Dakota it's not super south dakota it's not super nice but like it's not that hard to get to if you can drive like the 28 hours to get to south

dakota you guys are getting further and further away beaches was perfect and then we got to like i just i just spent like a lot of time kind of the same thing i was i was away from home filming a tv show and they like i they just i didn't want to fucking cancel the whole show by getting COVID, so I was just, like, very cautious of where I could go. Buy a PlayStation. Oh, nah, nah. Or else, yeah. So don't fucking visit.

I didn't go anywhere pretty much. Like, there was a nice, I would walk every day just to get some fresh air, but I just i guess stay inside how long is he there for you said like it's a four-year program yeah so your pride is good to wait it out i'd say yeah yeah vaccine will come around during graduation yeah graduation and then you're good yeah sorry finn i can't hear you i think you may have muted yourself which i think was a good thing because you clearly sung a song you picked up a playstation remote and started singing was it can i just take a guess that it was playstation or something like that hello all right last question this one's a doozy we need a lady's name maybe first name finn last name billy let's see what you guys come up with tag team it

gulliver stravels beautiful you said that too proud billy you're too happy with your travels gulliver'slles writes, I'm 25 and I don't know how to tell time. I understand how clocks work, but I have to look at it for like a minute to figure out exactly what it is. Whenever I ask someone the time, they point at the end of the clock.

Sorry, you don't understand how clocks work if you take a full minute. Yeah, she goes, I know how clocks work. Now look. You don't. Yeah, just take the opposite know how clocks work. Now look. You don't. Yeah, just take the opposite of what she said. And whenever I ask someone the time and they point at the analog clock, I can't actually take the time I need to read it because I'll worry they'll realize my secret.

Growing up, I thought it would just click someday and I could glance at a clock and know the time. But at this point, I'm an adult with two degrees that clearly taught me nothing useful about this problem and it definitely hasn't clicked so what do i do do i google time telling quizzes designed for eight-year-olds so i can practice reading clocks faster or do i just make sure i'm always near a digital clock or can access my phone clock surreptitiously when needed thanks love gulliver's travels okay number one the quiz for eight rolls would be a start that would be that's step one i would imagine before even like you have you know easily say step one yeah you have had that thought to the point where you wrote it out in this email step definitely take those step two watch christopher nolan's movies why they're a doozy and you listen

you will understand time by the end of them you will understand i think she's i think you're starting from that's that's on like step 10 yeah that seems like it's like if you watch the simpsons in french you kind of become fluent i guess so yeah the tenant will teach you how to read a clock. What's that? What's that? Got it. French Canadian Simpsons. It's pretty good, actually. Le Barteau. To Millhouse.

So, definitely, yeah, you should learn how to tell the time, right? You're an adult. You know, I'm not judging, but you don't know how to uh clocks work obviously don't ask people what time it is if you if you like if you don't know how to tell the time don't be near an analog analog clock and ask someone what time it is just check your phone or just get a digital watch clock or learn how to tell the time like i don't know i what degrees uh she has a she a doctor, and she also studied clocks. She's metaphysics, mathematics, dual degree, and then she's a watch – a clockmaker.

Yeah. Jesus. So she's a clockmaker. She doesn't know how to tell time. A tinkerer, yes. A tinkerer, if you will. Yeah, that's – well, I mean, I guess the first thing – I'm a tinkerer, and I got to tell the time.

Shakira, Shakira. Tell the time. I think you can do it. You can do it. You've gotten two degrees. Like, you're, you've clearly, you can do, you can learn. Like, you're, you seem capable of doing so. And I don't know.

Here's a little trick trick it's not easy to get two degrees just like i would say just just sit down and try and do it and the more you put it off the worse it's gonna be for you here's a here's a little trick ignore the big hand like that's where people get tripped up like it's on three is that times five fifty no just look at the small little nub and then like it'll point to the closest hour it is. So take everything else away, look at the small guy, and hope to God it's close to an hour. Look at the big picture, right? Numbers.

Yeah. Put them together. What do you get? The time. Exactly. That shocked you. It just clicked. It just clicked for me or should i say ticked nice thank you i can read a sundial but once the fucking hands get into the equation i'm

i'm absolutely useless i'm kind of the opposite i'm super quick with clocks but then when i look at like i'd see it says like one and then like the snake one and then colon and then it turns to like the the two circles and I'm like what what is the snake one it goes like that basically oh yeah eight and eight and eight is nice and you think that looks like a snake yeah it looks like uh what's it called when there's two oranges next to each other but on top eight yeah yeah yes eight I feel like we're saying the same thing so like i feel like we're not because you said two oranges stacked on top of each other and we said eight yeah yeah but you know in between the left and the right numbers there's those two little dots a colon okay which by the way you said colon you said colon and now you're talking

and now you're just talking you know what that is i'm getting dumber in a weird way so it's like straight line that snowman oranges oranges separated yeah yeah but then after the oranges that separate them there's never like an eight or a nine right you'll never see like it's 882 oh my god jesus christ i don't know what to tell this girl she seems like she has to take i'll do counterpoint. I think you're good. I think it's fine. I've rarely been in a situation where the only resource I had to know the time was an analog clock and no one would help me. I think just like focus on your degrees.

Do other shit. You're good. Just like let's not even think about it anymore. You have a phone. And if anybody is so rude to be like, if you say, what time is it? And they just point to a clock, you just be like, fuck you. Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you for doing that.

Fucking mean, yeah. Like, you can read it then. Just tell me. Like, you looked up, saw that it was there, could have clocked the time and said it out loud. But instead, you wanted to make me feel like an asshole. So fuck you. They also just don't know how to tell the time. Yeah.

What time is it? Yeah, no one knows how. Do you also think eights are oranges i think we're all lying we're all we're all lying to each other none of us know how to tell the time on clocks and she's not the only one that's i made it so easy you you just look at the fucking circle and yeah they like the circle adds up because you do like the because there's like the two lines and then you if you subtract the one line from the other one and then you multiply by the amount of ticks which is equivalent to the amount of hours in a day it gives you kind of so like i i make smoothies right i'm sorry you just changed the subject

anything else no it's like it's like if you make fucking smoothies right you get to drink it and you look up at the clock and kind of ponder so you're yeah so the advice here is don't raise your arms in triumph after that yeah you didn't you didn't that wasn't a good metaphor my job here is done no it's not your job here is done. No, it's not. Your job here is dumb. You said something that was completely unrelated to the answer. Don't be shocked. And now you're casual about it. Are you annoyed? Are you frustrated?

Are you happy and confident? What? Sorry. You're my fucking boss and you're talking to me like this? You're his boss. I fainted for you yesterday. That has to mean something. Listen, in this day and age,

we don't want to fucking faint for someone that like what kind of loyal guy all right so just to recap you learn what it is or don't based on how comfortable you want to be or not when somebody points at a clock and get yourself a man who will faint for you get yourself a man who could do both faint and tell time how dope is that and if he's a centaur that's just a bonus the caricature is halfway done get an apple watch get an apple watch but also i think you'll feel better if you just learn how to do it because it's like apple watch is a good idea because they have the face that can be the like the the analog clock and then you can like toggle so you'll sort of like train your invest in an apple watch that's our advice and use my coupon code you don't have one they're pretty cool uh

shakira shakira hips don't lie i want to tell the time so long 15 off code i mean it's worth every 50 off i think that's it but try different like capitalizations and spaces because it might be case sensitive so it might not work so you have to try it a bunch of times in a bunch of different ways but it'll it'll click eventually giving someone a password to something and just saying by the way it's case sensitive i don't really remember what the cases are but i know the password and there's an underscore somewhere um all right so one last time lackluster video finn billy talking about movies that exist and some that don't sometimes by themselves sometimes with friends i've been on an episode i know jeff and riley have an episode coming up yeah sometimes with enemies so sometimes

not with friends yeah because sometimes it's important not to have because sometimes you don't want to have your best friend on because i think that's maybe why i haven't been invited but that's fine and i think it's good because finn said that he didn't want to mix uh business and pleasure so that makes sense i think that's good. Yeah, absolutely. So do you want to be on this episode? Is that what you're asking? No, I don't care. I'm down and I'm free next week and the week after at any time. But I don't care. It seems like you're giving

the everyday off. We'll give you a spot, but you just have to tell us what time it is right now. What time it is? It's fucking... It's... He's looking at a digital clock duck duck duck duck goose what fucking number looks like a duck like a fucking like a swan neck with the yeah the duck he's wrong and then the um it's 406 so you say even his descriptions are bad

i mean no thanks for having us on yeah listen to listen to our podcast like western video hopefully uh hopefully everyone enjoys hell yeah uh thanks for starting that show thanks for having us on. Yeah, listen to our podcast, Like Western Video. Hopefully everyone enjoys. Hell yeah. Thanks for starting that show. Thanks for coming on this show. And thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks for having us. Anytime. Of course.

If you guys have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Opening one was the Blink-182 cover by Seth Dyer. This one is a Drake cover. Wow. Jake, all your favorite artists coming together. Wow. Jake, all your favorite artists coming together. Wow. It took half a decade for Colin to summon the gusto

to make this Drake parody, but he did it for us. So we appreciate it. Thank you, Colin. Thanks to you guys. And we'll be back next week. Anonymity, I got anonymity Got a lot of people tryna figure my identity A sticky situation is here I'm writing to the kids, Jake in the mirror

I got a girl in Starbucks, I'm tryna fuck on the day Told Dara, ah, that's all that I gotta say All these new friends trippin', better fucka they shoes I ride with my day one, shit, fuck them too My day zero's always no when the boy's in the pinch Crab claws out, bras off, shout to the pinch Vans on the SM7, killin' the mic Jewish bitches who like kittens, yeah, that's what I like, yeah that was a hate gum podcast