Segments - 456: VOTE

Episode Date: October 8, 2020

In this Bonus Thursday episode we discuss moles, grind guards, and how to vote!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one.

In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no,'s what I would do. If I were you.

Speak up cause you got something to say. You know the thing you said you'd never do. Do it anyway. That's what I would do. If I were you. When life gets too crazy We'll stick together and we'll make it, baby If you asked, then that's what I would do If I were you

Whoa. Damn. Oh my God. I loved that song. Was that a cover? The theme songs? No. I was going to say the theme songs are getting better.

That's no parody, no cover, just an original ditty. And not only that, but this guy would like to remain anonymous. He has no shout outs. What? Yeah. Tell me who it outs. What? Yeah. Tell me who it is. That riff is so fucking good. I loved it.

It was me. I wanted to know if it was a... It wasn't you. It wasn't you. Fuck. All right. Okay. So, sorry.

You're... No, yeah. This guy wrote an incredible theme song. One that he thought was so good and then was humble enough to want to remain anonymous and at some point you decided to take the glory for yourself take this song this guy deserves a hero to have a face attached to the song and this is that face i you have the worst face you have the worst face I've ever seen on a Zoom. He says he would like to know if his singing voice is annoying.

I have written a collection of songs and want to put out an album, but I'm self-conscious about my voice. Is it too nasally? Do I sound too shouty? Would you listen to approximately 30 minutes on a streaming platform? Thank you. Yes, I would would and i think that i you could almost tell that he was shy about his voice because he wasn't he didn't uh he didn't turn

turn it up as as much as like the the guitar which fucking ruled i loved that riff so much i'll say it again but i think too nasally no too shout, actually. So you just pinpointed the two things that he asked about, which are clearly the stuff that he's most insecure about, because that's why he brought it up. So you think nasally and shouty? Shatty, yeah. They're shouty. You forget what it is.

You're just trying to needle him. You don't even have that opinion about the music. That's a no from me, dog. Nice. Randy. Who? Forget it. don't even have that opinion about the music that's a no from me dog nice randy who forget it no it's great it sounded like a real song you're killing it whoever you are awesome job great work 100 three thumbs up you're honestly i i would use that instrumental in like a film, I think. Yeah, it's a great like upbeat and or montage song. Yeah, actually, bro, will you send that back with just the fucking riff, the instrumental?

I have an idea. I have a high idea for it. Yeah, that's what i want uh anyway we're back on a thursday and sorry if this trophy is getting in the way that's right this trophy that i'm holding it says luck you know it says fuck actually does it really yeah What is that? It's a go-kart trophy? It's a Mario Kart trophy quite frankly. And you see the names on it?

These are the people that have won every season of this tournament of champions. Who's the first one? Squeaky? Skeaky. Who's Skeaky? Skeaky is the first season's champ. Sorry, you're coming in here with like...

Do you know these people? I don't have to know them. They're Mario Kart friends of mine. They have your address to mail you shit? No. You don't know them? They don't. How did it get there?

Season two. How long ago was Tyson? Yeah, Tyson. And then it looks like three and then one in season three and then back to skeaky and s4 that's right and then five was was bloom and felt how long ago was five by the way because i just want to make sure you're not hoarding the trophy past the point where you're allowed uh no five just ended that's why i got this trophy that's why i'm showing it to you it's a mario kart trophy that's right i won my tournament it's a five week per season thing organized by ben schwartz the tournament of champions um i practiced hard and i took home the hardware much like lebron will be doing soon so just wanted to quick shout

out to me quick shout out to the l just wanted to quick shout out to me, quick shout out to the Lakers, two champions. Quick shout out to yourself. If you wanted to shout me out, that's fine too. Kind of neat. How's the season work? How does the season work? Don't like worry about the nitty gritty. Like I have the trophy.

It's actually... It goes five weeks long? Per season. So we've done 20 weeks, basically since quarantine started. Okay. Yeah. So every Saturday. Okay.

Every Saturday we race. Well, we do two eight-race heats. So 16 races every week for five weeks. That's one season. And we've done 25 weeks, half a year, because quarantine started in March, and here we are in October. That's such a long amount of time. Has Ben never won? He organizes the thing, and he's never taken it home? Well, yeah, he doesn't really play. No, he's not Skiki. Skiki is somebody named Blair, who was very, very good.

Is very good, I should say. Ben doesn't really play in between the saturdays i play a lot so i've been getting better and better other people are just sort of casual about it and i took it seriously and i took the trophy seriously yeah you you and skiki who made that trophy it's so small tyson actually good for tyson yeah he sort of um So small. Tyson, actually. Good for Tyson. Yeah, he sort of, he painted this Mario figurine gold and then mounted it on this plaque. Yeah, it looks, it's cool. It looks a little bit like a wannabe golden mic. And for that, you're actually gonna get, you're gonna get the dirty.

What? mike and for that you're actually gonna get you're gonna get the turdy what i was just thinking since like this is kind of an exciting week for me trophy wise i could partly that you've got a trophy you have the turdy it's not a trophy you want necessarily but you still have two trophies you've got the um shitty little mario thing that tyson did and then you have um uh the turdy that you just want i want yeah i wonder if there was a golden mic in there for the last couple weeks because i don't think you've mentioned anything yet there was a few times where i made you laugh and i was wondering if that was uh if those were the regards to having a golden mic good enough yeah checking up on golden mics after the fact is kind of turdish behavior unfortunately so i there was a chance that i had that but i you might have

you might have earned a golden mic it was it was actually being printed it was being poured forget it's a solid gold mic Mike. No, I can't. I can't. And when you reject the golden, Mike, you actually get showered with turdies, unfortunately, for you. I didn't reject it. I wanted it. You did because you checked. You reject it when you checked it. You reject it when you checked it that's right i check to see if i want it and just by asking i i have retroactively you care a little too much it's unsettling it's unbecoming i didn't even

bring it up it's uncouth and it's untoured. It is. What do you mean untoured? I believe untoured is like... Yeah, it doesn't matter, I guess. It's like an indiscretion. Whatever. Okay, yeah, whatever. I don't need your stupid fucking trophy. You don't care?

All right, wow, that's another turd. I mean, I care. I'd care if it means anything, but I'm fear like I won't be able to, right? Can I have it or do I not care? Not this episode. What's that? There's always next.

There's always next week. This is a bonus turdy. A bonus turdy for you. That's two this week. This is insane. I just checked the trophy and you're the season five champion. How did that happen? Some sort of fucking magic trick.

Your name is on this Mario Kart trophy now. Yeah, me and Tyson, me and Skeek's got a... An Airbnb Skeek. All right, this is a bonus Thursday episode recording on a Wednesday. A Wednesday? Yeah. My God.

People have started to vote. Have you voted? Do they have that in New York? Or is that just a Cali thing? I think it's just a Cali thing. I'm voting in person. The earliest I can vote in my district is October 24th. Interesting.

I'm actually voting in Persian, which is like, so outside of this Persian restaurant, there's a ballot drop off, and I'm just going to be able to do that sometime this week. I don't remember being able to vote this early before, but I'm excited we didn't care last election. But I mean, I knew I was going to vote. I'm like, okay, I'll vote on the day. But now it's, I think that like, two things. One, it's the virus. It's the, you know, there's an anxiety around just leaving your house at all and like being around people. So you want to like have that. But then I think there's more than that. It's the deep, deep-seated hatred for trump that i you just you've got agita you want out you want out i got uh a few ballots for myself and then

some for uh just like fictional people that i said lived here so i have like eight ballots here and then one for my dog and a few for dead relatives so i'm gonna yeah that's what that's what the um like fox news is afraid of happening so it's cool that it is well soros is paying me 80 per ballot and then i can take i've been i've been about harvesting too so like sort of stealing the ballot out of mailboxes for my republican neighbors and then writing trump on it and sort of throwing it in a creek. So as to raise uncertainty in that regard, while still being able to cast multiple ballots for the Democratic candidate in order to steal this election, this witch hoax, this viral hunt. Viral hunt?

For my man. But yeah, in California, you can fill it out and drop it off as early as today this is october 7th wow are you doing the election did you do it i have it i have the ballot i have the sticker i can do it actually this is a good segue into the fact that we're partnering with headcount to help register and inform people so they can exercise their right to vote. That's right. I usually hate exercising, but I'll make an exception for this. Nice.

Absolutely. Oh, okay. You're sick. You're very ill. Oh, my chest. I have like a, yeah, I have a fragile, sort of like a weak in sternum slash immune system. Anyway, how do people get information on how to actually vote where they are?

Headcount.org slash headgum. And yeah, it's information on how to register if you still can and how to vote if you already have registered. I guess, you know, there are different rules and regulations for every state. So get informed, figure out how to vote. There's lots of stuff

you can do on there. You can check out where your polling place is. You can quadruple confirm that you are registered so you can actually vote. You can even volunteer at a polling place. So just go to headcount.org slash headgum and click around, have fun. You know, there's also, tell you what, dude, there's also a text code. You can text head gum to 40649 i've never done that before but if you text voter head gum to 40649 uh they'll send you a text back with the website which is nice it's convenient so you get it you get a text and a website URL, or you could just go to headcount.org slash headgum. Yeah, headcount.org slash headgum. Literally no excuse not to be prepared, not to vote early, not to have your plan in place so you can vote.

So check them out. It's interesting because I've joined Trump's army of poll watchers, so it's fun to see it from both sides. Illegal to do my job it's not really illegal because my job is to sort of intimidate the average voter into voting yeah not suppressing because i still want them to vote it's just i've i've i'm part of his army and so he's asking us to stand by and stand black and guard and make sure that nobody's stealing this witch hoax from him. You know, he's down by 14 points in Pennsylvania. That's impossible.

That's, Joe opposes fracking. Oh, man. Oh, man. I'm so fucking scared. Well, the polls are trending good, but, you know, they don't matter unless we fulfill their destiny. So make sure that if you can answer a polling question, you should be able to vote. Get out there.

Get the fuck out there. All right, I guess we should answer these questions in addition to telling people to vote. So we're sort of saving democracy and helping you guys kill some time on this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and or sunday uh we got a question about a grind guard finally something that i'm very experienced in that i can answer wow yeah yes your time to shine congrats we'll call this lady kamala writes

a few months ago my boyfriend got a night guard apparently he was given instructions by his dentist that the way to store and take care of it is to wrap it in a damp paper towel and put that in the night guard case until wearing it next. I can't even begin to imagine why this is a good idea. A wet paper towel surrounded by bacteria, or mouth bacteria-filled night guard in a dark case?

It seems like the perfect recipe for a bacterial breeding ground and it kind of is the thing smells dank perhaps making it worse is that he does not change the storage paper towel daily he often uses the same one for three days at a time at a time ew anyway this has transformed into terrible morning breath i know no one wants to hear that they have bad breath, but at times I can't help but recoil in the morning. I've suggested that he purchases some kind of cleaning solution, but he was not into that idea. I know Amir famously wears a night guard,

and I was wondering what the cleaning regimen is. Does it involve a damp paper towel? Also, how can I suggest he changes his cleaning routine without offending him? Yeah, I mean, take... Yeah. You don't have a grind guard, do you? No. i suggest he changes his cleaning routine without offending him uh yeah i mean take yeah uh you don't have a grind guard do you know this and i mean after that question i will never get one i was thinking about doing like uh invisalign though interesting for your upper or lower for my both are you know just get these teeth right right again you know like what's the what's

the point i'm not going to an office i'm not really seeing anybody irl i could just chill all day with with the invisalign on with the smile director whatever whatever what have you and i'll have freaking bomb ass teeth when this whole thing's over yeah well your teeth are yellow so like that wouldn't really solve that issue. It's not the alignment. It's the fact that you're rarely, if ever, brushing or cleaning them. Well, I can't floss because they're too crooked. No.

If I got them straight, then the floss goes right in. You see? Oh, you're bleeding a lot. I lost one. There it goes. That was not a baby. That was not a baby tooth. That was a canine.

Fuck my ass. That was a canker sore. Yeah, huge fan of the grind guard. I didn't realize how much I was grinding until I got a grind guard. And now when I sleep with my grind guard in, it feels great. I feel like Steph Curry at the free throw line. Very well prepared to grind all night in fear and not having it wear away the enamel. They tell you, or at least they've told me to clean it

just by brushing it when you're brushing your teeth. And then once every like month, you get this like almost like an Alka-Seltzer thing that you drop into water that's like supposed to clean dentures and you just leave it in there for hours. And I did that for a while. And then I stopped doing the denture cleaning thing and I'd just been

brushing it with a brush, but I also keep it outside of the case upside down so that like it dries off completely. This wet paper towel method kind of concerns me a little bit, especially if he's using it. I would think he'd want to wash it and dry it. For starters, he's not following the instructions. So we can't even like say,

they don't sound normal, but like if you're not even following it, if you're not changing the paper towel every single day, then you're just doing your own thing and that's not good. That's not where you want to be at all. Yeah. And then maybe you, it might be too late, but I would suggest the denture cleaning thing, which you could probably get on anywhere very quickly. Right. And I think if you are dating someone to the extent that they're comfortable

sleeping next to you in a grind guard then you should also be comfortable enough uh to have a conversation about like their dank ass breath and and be like this this will not do uh something's something's got to give here i don't think that you'd have to shy away from this conversation yeah it's egregious it's foul something must be said something must be done there has to be an intervention here yeah the smell well if you can smell it from his mouth into your nose in the morning then something is awry wild that he would open that case smell awful and he's like yep open wide nom nom nom Time to chew on this till the morning comes.

Yeah. Do you sleep with your mouth open? No, I don't think so. I sleep, yeah, don't even worry about it. I sleep in a weird way. What do you mean, a weird way? I sleep in an odd position that doesn't quite make sense to some but i don't have to worry about my mouth being open or not you don't have to worry about i know you have to worry about i'm just wondering if you sleep with your mouth open i don't what what do

you now i'm curious about the position that you sleep in i twist myself on a pretzel and i put my foot in my mouth and i chew on my big toe at night as i sleep my foot's over my head and i'm not in the bed i'm underneath the bed twisted into yeah a weird little contortionist yeah that is i sleep on a dog bed at the foot of the bed with my foot in my mouth that's bizarre that's really that's frankly really disturbing behavior i don't think i do sleep with my mouth open i don't know what i do really though yeah maybe a little bit i'm definitely mouth open and then because i feel like my nose doesn't allow i want to look at once this whole you know pandemic thing is over i want

someone to look at my nose and be like oh your passages are like five percent open or like yeah it looks fine to me because right now it feels like i can't breathe through my nose as well as somebody else so i'm like a mouth breather but i don't know if i'm i don't know if i'm overreacting or if like a doctor would be like wow i can't believe you've lived this long watch this and then he does something and then i'm like oh my god I can't believe you've lived this long. Watch this. And then he does something, and then I'm like, oh, my God, I can breathe again. And your voice is like this. Like a deviated septum surgery or something without the nose job part. Interesting.

Yeah, I mean, you definitely, you're a heavy mouth breather. You're a snorer. I'm not a heavy mouth breather. I'm a mouth breather. I'm a mouth breather you're a snorer really i'm not a heavy mouth breather i'm a mouth breather i'm a mouth breather no i don't sound like that i don't think yeah you do you sound like a fucking sick pug that's what you sound like not when i yeah when i'm sometimes when i'm sleeping and i'm like stuffed up i sound like a little snort on your computer you'll see you're snorting like a hog. It's disgusting. It's despicable. Not really. Listen, you're doing it now.

This is my wake apnea. I have a PPAP machine, so I'll sort of plug in this oxygen tank so it opens my nasal passages while I type. A giant iron lung. Nothing's also straightening your teeth. Oh yeah. Two for one. All right,

let's take a break. Thanks. And we'll be back with this bonus Thursday episode after these messages. Yes. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

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their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah.

It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. You know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson. Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Yeah, yeah. Go to headcount.org slash headgum. Learn how to vote. Actually vote.

Celebrate when we put our minds together and tail this fascist dude in the white house he's got he's fired i want to be the one that looks trump in the eye and say the results from florida are in you're fired right you'd be like well you actually won florida but you lost uh pennsylvania so you're fired really the results The result's from Florida. You did win that. Okay, that's fine. I just don't see a path to victory, and you're fired. That's what you want to say.

That's what you want to say. Yeah. And I want to look at Joe Biden and be like, you're hired. That's good. How are you going to sleep the night before when you wake up knowing there's like 12 hours to go until the results are being announced? We're just fucking watching, waiting with the nervousness of like, it's like finishing a marathon and you can't wait to find out where they tell you to, you have to run another one. There's four, what enormous stakes.

It's either over, he's done, or there's four more years. What an insane amount of time that he would still have left think about yeah think about how long we've had him around already just double that 40 years unfair that's unfair yeah i don't know that means this would not even be the halfway point terrible right that's the other thing i'm afraid of though too like what if but like if biden wins and then just that like two month period before inauguration yeah but that's the least of my concerns let him have at it and then hopefully we can reverse whatever damage he's somehow able to do if he's still alive yeah oh man just get out and vote just vote just vote

fuck okay everybody everybody get down to the ballots tonight stay there i've seen some long lines to vote and they look like i tweeted that like it's it's fun it's good to be able to like just drop my ballot off but i miss miss the communal atmosphere of a long line, like everyone's sort of against this guy. It's kind of like a fun party atmosphere. Yeah, that's nice. I like that. But I won't experience that in LA, unfortunately.

Right. Because I've joined Trump's army, and if anybody is feeling joy, then I'm going to write it down and report it. You're illegal. There was a dance party against the Donald today. Dearest Mike Pence. That's a treasonous act of cowardice.

Did you hear that he wants to still debate in a week, even if he has coronavirus? Yeah, well, I'm sure he would love to infect Joe Biden with coronavirus. He obviously doesn't care about anyone else. The speech when he's like, and maybe I'm immune. Yeah, maybe you're immune. I guess maybe you're immune. What a weird thing to suggest four days after you were in a hospital.

Yeah, and goddamn, the most insane thing that he did to me is is like go up stand on the stairs and like triumphantly take his mask off when like everyone that's not like it's not like a grand reveal of like i'm cured now yeah it's like uh when the joker takes off his face wrap to like reveal his new self yeah what the fuck are you doing you're so sick you just you should have left it on like there's no reason to be like a triumphant reveal i actually put it back on i guess what you what i can say is that don't be afraid of coronavirus sorry you took a house you took a fucking helicopter to a private hospital three days ago what do you mean don't be afraid of coronavirus you've got like fuck the most

powerful drugs surrounded by the most professional doctors like there's actually nothing to fear as long as everyone else is the president you're gonna be fine get out like 1100 people died that day don't be afraid get out there don't let it dominate your life what a moron the worst person in the most powerful position anyway let me know who i should vote for still undecided i am still ken bone style. All right, next question. Yeah. Hey, Jake and Amir. We'll call this guy Joseph R. Biden Jr. Nice.

Got a problem for you. I'm a guy whose hair is on his way out. Let's just say it's a tad too late for keeps. I still have enough hair that a person who's shorter than me might not notice. But most people can surely tell. It's a source of insecurity for me. A lot like the folks who deal with this. Luckily, there's an easy solution to this, right?

Just shave my head. But there's a problem. I have a mole in the center of my forehead right at the hairline. So I know if I shave my head, every time someone looks at me, that's all they're going to see. I don't love the idea of having a bullseye in the middle of my forehead, but I'm not a huge fan of getting cosmetic dermatological surgery just so I can freaking get a buzz cut. So what can I do to deal with my changing hair situation without having everyone's eyes trained on the little burrowing mammal, aka mole on my face. Keeping you, love, Joe Biden.

All right, Joe. Actually, a guy that lost his hair pretty early. So, interesting. And is also clearly insecure about it, because he definitely does some kind of like... Comb something. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So, I think the decision is clear. You're going to shave it. And then the next decision is, do you live with the mole or do you remove it? It seems like the smaller hump to get over is whatever your hang-up is about the cosmetic dermatological surgery, which is pretty insignificant and perfectly fine. Yeah. Or there's almost a health-related surgery. Don't people get moles removed all the time just out of safety? I got a mole removed a couple weeks ago. Oh, really? Where? I never knew.

It was right around my sideburn like just above where my sideburn is uh on my like on my temple and jill noticed it and i was like i don't know if that's been there my whole entire life or if it's new and then i went and the doctor was like tell your wife she's really great for noticing this he was was like very impressed. Wow. But he was like, it's nothing. And then he was like, it looks a little irritated. It might be because you're wearing a face mask. I'm going to remove it. And then he like just gave me a tiny little shot, scraped it off with a little fucking razor.

Oh, my God. He did it there, right then and there? Right then. Just like on a whim. He's like, nah, fuck it. I'm going to remove it. And then that's it. And they tested it.

It's benign. Everybody, thank you. And yeah fuck it i'm gonna remove it and then that's it and they tested it benign everybody thank you um and yeah it's super easy so i i think that that's probably the move because i don't like you're understandably insecure about losing your hair and the mole so like i'm not gonna tell you to be like uh hey get over it it's a it's a mole no big deal if you don't like it don't worry about it you can get it removed it's pretty easy yeah and moles are not that big of a deal either unless it's like the size of a quarter and hairy i don't know if people are going to be staring at it like he thinks yeah i guess if it like gives you peace of mind uh do you you know that's fine right yeah or like you know? That's fine. Or, like, you know, nobody's going to notice it as much as you,

but it's all about, like, how you perceive yourself with it, you know? What if you got your mole removed, and then somebody came in and was like, hi, I'm the doctor. What are you doing here, Harold? And then you're like, excuse me? And he's like, sorry, this patient of mine, he seems to think that anybody could be a dermatologist, and he's been sneaking in and out, sort of.

Did he ask to have a mole removed for you? Yes, he cut me. He cut me. This guy cut me. Oh, he actually did a pretty good job. All right, Harold, just off you go. I hate that he's right about how easy my job is. And then Harold comes back and he's like,

what are you doing here, Henry? You were in the room. He told you to leave. Why didn't you mention anything earlier? This is a fucking improv scene. I'm just here to get my mold checked out. Was it a dermatologist that did it to you? Yeah, I went to the dermatologist

For the full body scan Oh wow Yeah How do those work? I have moles on my back Or random ones on my leg How do they decide? I think they say it's the new ones

It's the ones that aren't uniform in their shape the ones that are raised and the ones that are like uh like weird colors or something like that um so i have like moles but they've been there my whole entire life so they're fine but like a new mole or what could be a new mole on my temple that was something they wanted to check out and then did he have to shave your hair or like as he was cutting it hair came out um he pulled my hair back there he'd really maybe shaved a couple of hairs but there really was not there wasn't a lot of them at all no yeah and then did he show you the mole like after he's like i can put this in a little commemorative case almost.

No, because he's got to mail it out to get tested. Yeah, but after that, he doesn't have to mail the whole mole. You can ask for half the mole in like a little glass cube. You clearly want it and I'm not going to get it for you. So you can put it next to your fucking Mario Kart trophy. Mole. Mole. Mole. Yeah, what do they do with the moles that are like, we tested this mole and now this mole is fine? They discard the mole?

Or maybe they go back to that doctor's personal port-moleo. It's a pun on the word portfolio so did my mic cut off? no I heard everything really loud and clear and then in terms of trophies for today I think I get the golden mic

for Portmolio what? you think that's the one that cinched it for you? Yeah, this guy has this manila folder filled with moles, a portfolio of sorts. Yeah, it's more of like a black... Like a Molodex? Nice! Nice! A Molodex.

Let me see here. Yes, yes, Jake, right? That's almost as good. It's almost Golden Mike worthy. I love it. But Portmolio takes the cake. What about? Portmolio gave the assist to Molodex,

which is another reason why I would get that double Golden Mike for the direct assist to Molodex. So this is a two golden mic episode. What about, I am Corn Molio. That's a turdy. That's a turdy. I was going to say I need TP for my bung mole. Mole, yeah.

Yeah. That's not bad. So he has like a little on his anus to have a... I know. An asymmetrical little raised raisin. Okay. Okay. Actually, Corn Moleo, that bung mole was pretty pretty alarming we took it out and uh

um corn moleo i think we're gonna have to do a full body scan oh no yeah yeah oh no it's it's not looking good for you corn moleo doio. Do you have a living will, Cornmolio? Cornmolio. Cornmolio, sorry. Yes, I'm leaving it all to my nephew. Butthead. So, if you're a little too young to understand what's going on, basically there were these two characters in the early,

sorry, the mid to late 90s called beavis and butthead and there are these two sort of ne'er-do-wells that kept getting into trouble and they would watch music videos for a living and then yeah beavis was it beavis or butthead that became cornholio which was this would do cornhole, which is like this alter ego of his where he would need toilet paper for his ass. And to ask for it, he would just sort of put his t-shirt over his head. Yeah. I think that's everything. Right.

That's everything. Yeah. And then... I'm sure everybody loves it. Yeah. Yeah. So, Beavis, unlike Butthead, was a little more... He would hit frogs.

Yeah, with a baseball bat and that was like Beavis' thing and Budhead was a little more of the intellectual braces Budhead was kind of like the smarter of the two and then Beavis would occasionally sort of murder a frog

for fun but overall they just liked watching MTV like music videos and stuff so that's so that was beavis and butthead so yeah uh all right um that's it that's our time bonus thursday episode in the canister as they say yeah yes uh we're still hanging out in the jake and amir patreon discord so if you're a patron at patreon.com slash JA, there's new videos every week. Or perhaps you have a theme song like that anonymous man up top who did not have a shouty voice,

who did not have a whiny voice. You can email all that stuff to ifireryoushow at gmail.com. Until then, vote early, vote often. Vote for Joe in this closing theme song song let me see who wrote it oh it's the guy dire consequences seth dyer who wrote another theme song for us um it's a parody of midsummer madness by jo Joji. Do you know Joji? I don't think so. J-O-J-I? That's a cool nickname for you.

Joji. Really? Yeah. KC and Joji? Yeah. Actually, I could be KC. Oh, you could be Mimi. Mimi and Joji.

That's our new podcast nicknames. It's not too, like, immature or something? Mimi and Joji? I don't think so. Hey, I'm Mimi. I'm Mimi. Me or me. Me, me.

Or me, just M-I-M-I, yeah. And I'm Jacob B., a.k.a. Joji or Jobe G., Jobe. Yeah. Well, actually, my nickname would be the middle two letters of my name, A-M-I-R. So just the M-I-M-I. So yours is kind of the A-K, the middle two letters. Ack-ack.

Oh, cool. Ack-ack. Me and Ack-ack. Yeah. I hate it. Anyway, this guy doesn't have much to plug except for his Instagram, which is dire.consequences. Dire spelled D-Y-E-R. Thank you to you guys for listening, and we'll be back on Monday.

Bye, everybody. Oh, yeah. Bye. Last night I emailed Jack and Amir. I needed advice because it wasn't clear What to do If I were you Hosted by these two Jews If I were you

You You That was a Hidgum Original.