Segments - 457: Eames Toilet (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

Friend, comedian, and fellow Headgum podcaster joins us to discuss road trips, sawdust, and dating in the time of Corona.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out

okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no No, no, no, no, no. No. I got a good girl But she killed herself in a Starbucks Loves the USA And America too She's a good girl Crazy about the pinch Loves chipmunks and blooming felt too yeah yeah

it's been a long time since i had punani there's something that I still could do But these two Jews won't tell me to kiss her No, these two Jews will break her heart And I'm free Free ballin', ballin' free bowling bowling and I'm free free bowling bowling

right before this episode I clogged the toilet bad uh sorry to hear this yeah there was like corn and leaves why don't yeah why don't you just disgusting why don't you say who sang the song and and introduce the guest instead of you know you're oversharing it's tmi yeah you're describing what was in your shit that you clogged the toilet with. Yeah, it looked like someone threw fucking coleslaw into a pot of water. It was gnarly. That's way too leafy. That's so leafy.

Yeah, it was leafy. It was a leafy green. How did it clog the toilet if it's leafy? I think it was the amount of toilet paper, I want to say. All right, well. I want to say, yeah. Cool, yeah, you should definitely try even if this is true maybe don't like share it at all during the podcast but definitely not first

thing because that's like it's rough on the ears it's cacophony jeffrey james in the house bad intro now i'm associated with leaf shits yeah and the uh the um song was a john mayer love version of a tom petty song performed by akil gupta very nice yeah very nice akil gupta in the b that's right he uh i thought the least i could do is whisper bleat nothings into my computer microphone waiting for that sweet junior developer dev position at head gum. Oh, we should forward it. Yeah. Forward his resume along.

Well, no resume, just the song. Send that to Andrew. Send that to Andrew. Yeah. Yeah. That'll work.

Uh, Jeff, you're a mayor Stan or just fan. Would you say Stan? We stand mayor. Uh, he's, he's, he's the best guitarist of our generation in a way wow and then singer too or just mostly guitar i mean he's a fine singer interesting so you're more of the technical he's really really good at playing the guitar and he just happens to also be a good singer i don don't think he's a good singer. I think he's just a great songwriter.

Interesting. Yeah. He has a song called New Light, and it's like kind of a dance bop in a way. And one of the lyrics is pushing 40 in the friend zone. And it's because he's 40 and he doesn't have a bae. Okay. So, yeah. I'm sure he'd be like, don like say that as an example of my songwriting

it's like when you're like my friend's a really good comedian tell that joke how does it go it's like uh and then you tell the joke poorly and the person's like yeah i guess that's fine yeah my friend's hilarious he he did a bit about a leafy shit that he took on his podcast. I actually work with Jake and Amir. They used to do those AM PM commercials. Yes, that's funny you bring that up. Too much good stuff. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, Tumgus himself was supposed to be on this episode, but he backed out at the last minute, so we got Jeff.

Tumgus, of course, being the too much good stuff AM PM NASCO thing that they were sort of rolling out there. This is funny, but can amir do a bit about how much he likes the cookies and about how he didn't know 7-eleven made cookies but they're good what was the sponsored or branded deal where they we were so over it by then that one of the things they asked us to do was for me to pour ketchup and mustard on my socks and i said i wouldn't do it and then the director then had to like do it himself because like he came up with it and he like poured ketchup and mustard on his white socks we didn't it's not even like we ruined the shoot by like not agreeing to it in like after we had seen it

like it was like a an alt on the day he's like oh yeah you destroy the socks that you showed up in like wanted amir to just like squirt ketchup and mustard on his socks it was a for it was ford it was like for for one of it was one of it was for ford yeah anyway grab a grab a fiesta on your way out, everybody, please. I'll pour fucking hot mustard down my pants for it. I want nothing more than for you guys to buy a Ford. The torque on this F-250 is to die for. Now watch me put sauce in my clothes. It's to die for. All right, one more time, thank you to Akil for that John Mayer version of a Tom Petty song. Very nice.

What's more famous, do you think, the Tom Petty version or the John Mayer? No way. Interesting. The Petty song is the most, I mean, the Petty song is way more famous than the John Mayer version. I didn't even know John Mayer had a version. And that's what I meant to say. And I didn't even know Tom Petty had a version. That's what I meant to say.

You didn't know Free Fallin'? What's that? I know the mayor's song yeah forget it actually i do know the mayor version it's amazing i love it i think mayor is an incredible singer he's only finding guitar do you think uh do you think he had to pay petty for that that, or is it like he played dumb? I mean, Petty's petty like that, so I think that he would often ask for cash. Do you think he paid it? It definitely wasn't petty or petty cash. Petty cash? Yeah, did he use petty cash to pay Petty?

Yeah. 11 loose dollars for the rights to the song. 11? Just make it a hard 10. I'll do 20. Just don't make it 11. I have 38 cents, too on yeah because mayor only had 11 on that day yeah i think mayor and petty ever got dinner at petty cash taqueria on melrose

uh yes i think jake and i got dinner at petty cash once downtown though yeah we did i also got some in uh i'm in the in west ho too. Petty Cash was a great restaurant. Loved that spot. Yeah, they all closed down recently. Did they? Yeah. Damn. They had a viral meningitis scare, which you rarely hear about.

And it hopped from restaurant to restaurant, which is rare. From the West Hollywood one to the downtown one? Yeah, I guess somebody did like a... That's interesting. Dude, wasn't it you? You ate... I remember you ate at both of them really close to the one in West Hollywood closing. Yeah, but this was right before I got sick.

It was a different situation. Right. But you still might have not been showing symptoms. Yeah. Oh, that was the day where I got bit by that raccoon on the way to lunch. And then we ended up having dinner at the downtown one. I remember it was such a weird thing. You kept calling it your Amir's tour to corn.

And it was going to be like all corn tortillas, West Hollywood and then downtown. Yeah. And then I spent the next, I want to say a week in a coma. I want to say. Yeah. Because like by the time I came to, I said, have I been in a corna? No, it was a medically induced viral meningitis scare. The raccoon was operating on you.

I was almost patient zero for a different type of even worse disease than coronavirus. Have I been in a corna? You're in a serious medical condition right now. You need to be watched. All right, this is If I Were You, an advice show. We had a bonus Thursday episode this week. We had an episode last week, and this is our third episode this week. Jake and I, running on fumes, decided to bring in the pinch hitter, the fucking closer.

Here comes Jeffff who's gonna straight up take over take the rain half hour i'm gonna what do you mean i'm checking out i wanted to be like a solo shit let's have jeff host jeff you host yes and we'll that's what i'm saying i'm not gonna give you a lot here that's what i'm worried about i'm not gonna stay i just wanted to intro jeff and kind of like an mc and then peace out so amir's gonna leave and then jake's just kind of gonna sit there stone-faced reading other shit yeah and then jake's gone let's say he left i'll give you 40 to wax and then we'll come back and we'll do like uh whatever you want have at it wax on

your own you have to it's like coming up with stuff together it's group think that's good yeah yeah keep going that's good yo i just wanted to come back real quick and just yeah yeah like if you just wax on the fucking that's what bad that's the note i don't even i don't even care it could be about anything you don't know or you don't care he's out again but i'll watch and i'll sort of give youend like you're doing improv stand-up or something and we're like two hecklers. Improv is always with other people, famously on a team. That's good.

I'll throw out a word. Sawdust. Sawdust? Yeah, I don't know. I guess if you're doing a DIY project, you're not listening if you're laughing already because there was no joke said. Let's do stuff about the DIY project.

Jake's back. I'm out. You said you were going to give me a lot and you're interrupting me. The DIY projects, I love it. Yeah, it's often sawdust if you do a DIY project. Again, not a joke. Not a joke.

You told me to wax. Let me know when you get there. Let me know when you get there. Let me know when you get to the punchline i want to fucking i love this so far uh yep jake's still gone he's still gone the photo that replaces him when he like logs off is such joy and then when he clicks back on he's so pissed yeah sorry i feel like we deviated from the sawdust stuff so let's try to stay on game all right staying on course from the sawdust stuff. So let's try to stay on game. All right. Staying on course for the sawdust is not going to be good content. Sawdust is dust when you're cutting into wood when doing a home project.

That's true. That's true. I guess that's, yeah. You think so? It's kind of a double entendre on that. Not at all. Not at all. It's a single entendre. I love that. All right. That that was good how long was that that

was three minutes and it was insufferable yeah all right let's do the questions then for sure i thought we could vamp as it were uh jake are you still there yeah i'm back i took a quick a quick uh power nap a cat, as it were. Yeah. Yeah. We might have to do the questions still. The show, yeah. We might have to do the questions. We might have to do the show. Yeah, we might have to. If we do the show, I think that Jeff kind of...

Sorry, is that your dog barking? Sorry, I'm antagon dog barking? Sorry. I'm antagonizing him with my feet. It's really unprofessional. This is the worst episode you guys have ever done. It's probably not picking up. You've cornered me into

waxing about sawdust and DIY home improvement projects. Can you guys hear that even? Yes, it's fucking blinding. Definitely. I'm going to let him out. Can you guys hear that even? Yes, it's fucking blinding. Definitely. I'm gonna let him out. If you can hear it, by the way, if you guys are listening at home and you can't hear it, there was a dog barking. There's no way they didn't hear it.

They absolutely heard it. You guys vamp about like, I want to say like sawdust or something. That's fun. Okay, go ahead, Jeff. We already have. I feel like we've exhausted how much we can talk about fucking sawdust. Not a joke joke good it's not it's nothing it's such nothing i might have to take him on a walk but are you guys good are you fucking kidding me i think we're fine jeff's got jeff's kind of waxing uh dust i'm floundering he's dusting philosophical

let's do that call now jake and then jeff will what you'll keep it rolling i'll do the i'll do the walk and then jake will join me on a call yeah and then it'll sort of be you we're calling undecided we're calling undecided voters in pennsylvania that's great trying to convince them that's great to vote don't do it during the podcast record just making sure that trump i saw it's the the w on the day he needs pennsylvania he needs to carry pennsylvania and uh he's down pretty big in a few fake polls but um we're gonna call some independents and in a few what steer them in the in a few fake polls he's down 11 but uh we're gonna they're real polls they're like reutersuters and like Fox News has him down 13.

Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say a lot of really nasty fake polls have him down 11. One of them has him down 17 nationally. It's such a nasty, nasty poll. The real polls. Have you seen like the KC 101 poll? I've seen a few real ones. I've seen a few real ones and it's close.

It's a local call in therapy talk show A local radio station had a twitter poll Where you could vote And he was running away with it I think it was like And the boats If you just think about the boats The boats?

5,000 of boats It should be enough To carry him In some of these smallish-er states. Non-fake wise. So Jake and I are going to head out and do that. You can sort of... Phone banking for Trump is insane. You look like you're pissed at us.

I'm obviously pissed. You put me on the spot for the past 15 minutes. Ever since free falling ended all we've talked about are leaf shits phone banking for a nazi and me waxing sawdust yeah when you say it like back to back like that it sounds like a funny episode but like i bet like all times it hasn't been what's that it hasn't been never been all right all right i saw a funny tweet that said that mike pence's name was short for mechanical pencil that's good that might actually hurt our boy though so we might have to phone bank for that because a lot of people think that's real

news and it's not yeah anytime something goes bad politically for them you panic phone phone bank i don't want anything that could hurt pence's reputation as like a hot like a hot zaddy you know like don't worry about republicans women yeah suburban women look at him and they're like i want to have that fly in me. Pretty sure that, yeah, women, 69% of women said that he lost his weight. But he's also, like, wide. He's low-key wide. He's got that groove. He's Jim Crow thick. I feel like he could fucking grind well if necessary.

Imagine Penn set, like, a grimy ass clerk yeah yeah he won't even have dinner with a woman without his wife there you think he's grinding in a club yeah that's pretty cool actually all right we have a question from a 21 year old canadian dude what could we possibly call him? Let's go Lil' Jaundice. That's your rapper name, by the way. Hey, it's me, Lil' Jaundice. Yeah, it's like a baby with yellow skin.

I'm spinning yellow. Rapping like the Ooga Chaka ali mcbeal baby me and my girlfriend of four years broke up a month ago semi-mutually and of course after we came to an agreement that she came to that's why that's where she breaks up with me and i don't beg her to stay no it's not even that one person wanted to break up so it's half mutual one of the two people wanted that and of course after the first morning period i hopped on dating apps i met a girl on bumble and things were going fine i am not looking for anything serious for obvious reasons but i think i always give the wrong idea this girl is texting me back

and forth at 3 a.m every night and she responds super quick and i realized today she deleted her bumble i feel like i'm leading her on but i don't know how to stop any advice would be awesome thanks the train is fucking picking up steam i can't even hit the brakes they're jammed we're heading straight for the polar express i can't haven't even they haven't even met what's that they haven't met yet they haven't met a lot okay but she deleted the app are you sure they haven't met it says uh this girl is texting me back and forth at 3 a.m every night and i realized today she deleted her bumble but how did he realize like how does he because he went on bumble and it's like,

oh, I don't have four matches. How do you know that they didn't meet? How do you know they didn't meet? Because he didn't mention that. I met a girl on Bumble and things were going fine. The girl has been texting me back and forth at 3 a.m.

and she responds quick and I realized today she deleted her Bumble. That's that. That's the tweet. That's it, man. That's it. That's tweet man that's it that's it that's crazy that i feel like it's kind of hubristic to assume that she deleted it just because she thinks that

they're dating like there could be so many reasons like i i'm on hinge but i'm not on um thrinder anymore so it's like rinder i've offered both of you guys to be your third you either ignore the question or you say it makes you uncomfortable yeah at my wedding you came up to me and said that it was a speech which i thought was kind of nice yeah it was a toast to everyone's health in good health and in good conscience and i said and i said jack and jill you know you can always climb this beanstalk if you need it then i winked and dropped my champagne flute then you quickly said the hebrew blessing over the wine yeah and then when everyone kind of booed me off stage i started getting a little too drunk open bar of, of course. Classy move. Thanks, Jake.

And then when you were being hoisted in the chair, I was like, let me in on that. I was like climbing over people to get on your lap. You pulled from the top of the back of my chair, tipping me backwards. I cracked my skull on the dance floor. It's like you were hanging on a rim that bent. Yeah, it was a carnival game in a way like where you kind of try and sink somebody but for you I was

you know trying to get you down to the floor I was on Thrender we're talking about this guy I'm saying just because she deleted Bumble doesn't mean she doesn't have skin in the game because when you have skin in the game you stay in the game but you don't get a win unless you're on Thrender man I think it's she didn't just delete it because of him he needs to calm down

that's very very possible i would agree with that i'll especially if they didn't meet then she definitely didn't delete it because yeah what if they had a tweet up that like you mean where they they tweet a location and a bunch of people go and show up the same time as them in a way tweet up what do you mean in a way that's what it is are you saying what if they what if they had an event what's that sorry i'm thinking about i'm recapping what you said you're already thinking about something else you can't oh it's not a valid excuse sorry what did you say i wasn't basketball was played with a football? So like you can't really dribble because it's kind of like an oblong,

almost like a rugby ball, but you're still trying to get the ball in the hoop. You know what I mean? Actually, scratch that. Here's an idea for an app. This is him texting her on Bumble. That's why she deleted Bumble. What if I wanted to switch houses with someone legally

who says no even if it's semi-mutual yeah semi-mutual means like it was 50 50 yeah fine as long as one party agrees to it that's good the initial morning period was uh a.m. to noon. Maybe people aren't meeting up on dating apps, though. Are people doing, like, Zoom first dates, Jeff? Jeff's single. No. What are you doing? I'm not doing, like, the virtual dates.

I think that's kind of crazy. Have you met up with anybody since coronavirus? Like, met up with someone you met in an app since COVID? No, I have probably, yeah, no. So you're on the apps, you're swiping, do you match and then you just chat and that's it? You never do a virtual date? Yeah, it's sort of a confidence boost thing on both sides. Because I'm like, I talk a big game in a way and then i don't i i over promise under deliver

right what do you mean by over promise do you like like picnics socially distanced dates in the park and you don't show up right so that's well yeah i mean when you say like that it makes me seem some type of way but uh no it's more it's more like i like to make people special by thinking that i'm planning this like um this feast really it's kind of like uh it's a meeting of the minds in elysian park and uh in a meeting of the rinds because i'm gonna bring watermelon i'm gonna bring you say you're planning like a a feast like a thanksgiving style feast like you're yeah cooking various a always sorry let me finish i'm sorry you're bringing melon and mayonnaise you shouldn't want to finish you should let me interrupt. You're bringing melon and mayonnaise to the park? You shouldn't want to finish.

You should let me interrupt you. You should encourage that. Egg-based pastes, truffle aioli or otherwise, and then, yeah, like you said, melons. Yeah, so someone's showing up imagining that they're going to have like a cantaloupe and a fucking garlic ranch sauce. Well, they're also showing up imagining that there's going to be a canter you dope uh because i promised that there would be kind of a singer

there a cantaloupe and a canter you dope yeah like a jewish clergyman sure sure uh yeah i don't i've stood up seven people in the last calendar year. Before Corona too. That was before Corona, also before I was single, yeah. Yeah. You've been blackballed from Hinge, right? Blackballed from Hinge, yeah, blackballed in the industry. I don't know. Well, he just got out of a four-year relationship, I just got out of a four-year relationship i just got out of a three-year relationship so um he shouldn't i would say he should not be on the apps if he's and i don't know there's like a threshold where you know like when you get someone's number that's the threshold of like oh we're actually starting to talk so um if he's not ready to date somebody, he shouldn't get the number. Just keep it on the dating apps. Interesting.

Okay. I think I might download one of the dating apps just for fun. Just to meet people. Absolutely, you should tell your wife that then. Well, no, let's hear him out. If you want to actually do it. I know what he wants to do. No, I just want to know what his end goal is.

I want to know what his end goal is. It seems innocent so far i just want to you just want to like swipe friends to swipe to get that like to get that like you know the endorphin dump of like oh this person finds me attractive maybe we meet that's maybe we get a drink we there's like meeting up is hooking up or whatever i think you can meet up i think as long as there's nothing physical there's nothing saying hooking up we wouldn't oh well that could be fine. I'm saying hooking up. If it's meaningless. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

If it doesn't really mean anything, we hook up. And then if you fall for the person, then you're like, Amir, bring Avital in here. Bring Avital in here. I don't want to even poison this in her mind. Luke! Luke! Luke, go get Avital, boy.

Go get Avital, Luke. He was maced by the mailman. You should definitely tell your wife that. Amir, did you actually get a cat? No, I didn Avital, boy. Go get Avital, Luke. He was maced by the mailman. You should definitely tell your wife that. Amir, did you actually get a cat? No, I didn't get a cat. All right. Then what's that in the corner? In the last of that?

That's a skunk. I got a fat skunk. You got a pot-bellied pig, right? I wish. And a sub from Potbelly. Danny Sellers style. Shout out Danny style can we say shout out danny sellers now we have to take a break we have to thank some sponsors and we'll shut up danny sellers have you guys done the ad reads yet uh no that's gonna happen right now

do you want to do the can i do the ad reads with you guys okay thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so

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How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like

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Jeff, do you have any... Oh, it's a lesson! It's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming gross it's time to make your house your home pick up the phone i'm coming home coming home tell luke i'm coming home um decorate your room like it's all about making a house a home uh so that when you come home it feels like sorry let me finish uh that it feels like a pied-a-terre like a place that you can kind of breathe easy um so uh what i did was uh i hung my guitars put up some string lights some art etc i hung this

quilt somebody somebody posted that your first unsolicited advice was that the year 2020 was going to launch a new age, a jazz age, a renaissance when you were first on the show. Do you remember that? Okay, first of all, I did not say 2020. I said the 2020s.

Alright? What people have to understand is that this is the beginning of a 10-year decade, right? Obviously yeah what a terrible start but that's actually terrible that's why the 20s were roaring because there was a world war and there was a world war and the spanish flu 1918 so they came off a global pandemic shit was bad and then they were like it's better now let's fucking go off on them and like just think of how hard people are gonna party how much happier and loose everyone's gonna be when the vaccine comes out and the strip test comes out it starts to fizzle out let's say this time next year that's the beginning of 2021 you can't say or that's the end of 2021 you can't say that that's not the beginning of the decade

you can't say that by 2024 we're not gonna be having gatsby parties there's gonna be flapper chicks and flappy dicks and flap jacks at a buffet um i know i i think it only feeds into my prediction that it's going to be another roaring 20s because people are going to be like so want for a good time really i'm getting excited just thinking about it you know like you're wearing a hazmat suit yeah and all right and then also hang up a quilt and then maybe yeah fucking what'sate. Things on the walls that kind of warm up the space. Yeah. And then where'd you get the quilt behind? Is that always up or is that like a I'm recording situation?

I put these little hooks into the wall and then I drilled a hole into the fucking quilt so I can slip it on and off as I please. But it kind of closes off the space. It's good for audio reasons. And on Zoom, it's better than looking at my depressing basement. That's cool. Your basement's not depressing, though. Let me see that thing. No, it's great.

I just like making fun of it. Oh, there's a family of possums eating a newspaper on your bed. What is that? Very nice. Is that a futon? It's a gallery wall. I love it. Yeah, you really can't see. Is that a rattan chair? It's a seska knockoff yes i have i have them as well what did you get it from scandinavian design.com i did i did um somebody on the discord

asked you they were they added you and they were like oh like is the seska chair worth it and i was like don't pay what hundreds of dollars just get the bent from Scandinavian designs. That's exactly what I have. I've got four of them. I did not buy the real thing. And you never buy the real thing. No. How much better could it be? I feel like they don't use better materials.

And how much time do I spend sitting at my kitchen table? I have dinner there and that's it. That's like 30 minutes a day max. Yeah. Not worth it. Two poor losers i'm looking at two poor losers excuse me talking about saving money off buying knockoff furniture that's embarrassing i have an ames toilet from 1941 and i can't even sit on it because people's assholes were so small back then but it's the it's the real deal wait and when you come over... Hold on. Someone gave you a weird

toilet, I think. You're shitting in an Ames lounge chair. They did not make a toilet. And no one's anuses were smaller in the 40s than they are now. What kind of toilet has such a small hole? It's a thin ottoman.

It's supposed to be a... You're shitting into an ottoman it's supposed to be a yeah you're shitting yeah you're shitting into an ottoman how much did you spend on this and i don't think it's a toilet i think it's a chair or a stool that you have in your bathroom how much did you spend on it it's a stool for my stools yeah it was nine thousand dollars because it's the authentic ames himself had giardia on it and almost killed himself on that and i got it from a guy who was selling it door to door of all places so how do you know was it authenticated usually when you buy because a crazy person came to my door and sold me a stool toilet for 10 grand that's how i know she said it was nine at first. I tipped

him for the deal. You tipped him 10% on a consignment deal? For having it delivered to my anus. It's not a freight delivery. It's a fraught delivery. It was a great delivery. And guess what? I also got

from it. What? I also got from it. What? I rubbed his feet. Because they were blistered. And bloody. Did he have shoes? He did not. Because he said no one's crazy enough to take him up on this offer of an anus toilet before I sent him into my home and used a loincloth on his wearied, traveled heels.

So you washed his feet, gave him $10,000, and sent his ass on his way. And then you shat on a stool. Is it in good condition? Is it, like, what's... You know, like, is the leather nice? They assume it's leather. It's not leather. It's not leather. It's cloth?

It's fabric? It's what? It's straw. As in, every time I take a shit, it looks like I'm pushing brown Play-Doh through a fucking pencil sharpener sorry it's not i really hope that it's not this but it's not that hay barrel right hay bale in the background it is yeah yeah that's the that's the that's the bale of hay as in hey can i give you another 10 grand

for delivery you gave him10,000 for delivery? You gave him $1,000 for delivery. That was the tip. I gave him $1,000 as a tip. I gave him $10,000 for the toilet and $11,000 for delivery. And enough already, you two poor losers. I have fucking salmonella talking to your asses. I'm related. It's unrelated. It's not because you're talking to us. You have salmonella I'm related It's unrelated It's not because you're talking to us

You have salmonella My oven stopped working You didn't turn it on I didn't have to You did that's why you have the salmonella Alright You don't bake chicken by putting it in a cold box My grandfather always said that You don't bake chicken by putting it in a cold box.

My grandfather always said that. You're on a pork-only diet. Can I read you another question? Sure. Sure. Or do you guys just want to talk about furniture all day? You don't have furniture. You shit into a pile of hay this is a lady who says i agreed to a road trip i don't want to take uh-oh

jeff do you have a fake woman's name who's the last girl you kissed first and last name i can't say her first and last name well i'll find her middle and last name and then her phone number can be like no sign it off can be it's not a part of it's let's just go uh fucking no it has to be the last lady you kissed on the mouth and then what's her first name and last and her twitter handle um is she verified she's not verified i'm not on raya we talked about this still trying to get that friend pass yes everybody guys had that that end ass found it was the end all be all on raya all right just remember you met abital lily's name just the lady's name lisa hemsworth a swoosh to hemsworth sister that's awesome

hey boys maybe you can help me out of my sticky situation. I've always wanted to take a big cross-country trip, and I brought this up to a friend who has not dropped the idea since I told her. She basically hounded me for weeks asking when I was going to leave and saying that we needed to just do it i eventually gave in and agreed to go with her the only issue is everything i wanted to go west but obviously we can't because of the fires we're now going east which isn't a big problem except we're in a pandemic and i don't want to travel right now, period. My friend insists we'll be safe

and keeps saying that this is her last chance since she's participating in a medical study for three years. I only agreed because I felt pressure, and the worst part is we leave in five days. Help. Help me make an excuse to get out of this trip and stay the hell home. Dude, you gotta do this cross-continental shit with me you know i'm doing that weird experimental off-grid experiment yeah i might die from a serum

so you want to start we're in ohio and you want to drive into pennsylvania that's not a cross-country road trip let's get get out of the Western Reserve, man. And it is some strange territory. This person is, this person wrote this 10 days ago, so there's a chance that they're already on there. Why do you do this? If you're gonna do, you gotta take the question before

she leaves. Sorry, we got it recently, yeah, and we had to answer other, more pressing questions first, and this person's either on a road trip right write her back and i would like a follow-up pup in the next in the next week or so but look i think i think also that like sometimes you just there's an anxiety that like that comes along with traveling but once you break through you'll probably have a good time if she's on the road trip i bet she's having a good time yeah sometimes the more spontaneous things that you do in life that you didn't want to do

end up being the best times yeah and i mean like you had the excuse i don't think there was anything we could have told you like the pandemic and the fires like there wasn't another there's not a better one there's it's actually had every hour yeah we could not have come up with an excuse that was like oh shit if only they had answered this question five days ago i could have got out like say i don't want to travel because there's a fucking deadly virus going around and we could catch it anywhere solid enough plus your medical experiment might be compromised talking about uh impromptu road trips i remember in college once there was a bunch of people including myself my friends jeff's gone uh getting drunk at a party at like midnight

and then they're like let's go to fucking reno it's like a little las vegas that's three hours east of berkeley and i'm like now it's like four hours away by the time we get there nobody's gonna be happy it's gonna be like sunrise and they're like no no you have to drive us because I was not drinking he's like you have to drive us if it's 180 miles or under I'm like sure it's like 250 miles so I'll drive you if it's 180 miles or under and it was like we looked it up and it was like 174 miles so they're like erupted in joy. Like, you got to take us. You got to take us.

So we, I put everyone in the car and started driving towards Reno. And indeed, I think Cohen was in the car. I had to pull over a few times to puke. By the time we get there, it's like snowing and like six in the morning. And it's like, and dead, like Sunday morning, dead completely, 6 a.m. We go to like a buffet for like $4 steak and eggs. Nobody is having fun anymore. Everyone is coming over at this point.

So the impromptu road trip ended in a terrible time. But then, you know, it ended up being a funny story. But while you're on it, it wasn't great to be there. Yeah. Right? I had a similar experience in college uh but it wasn't an exciting like proposal like let's go to vegas or let's go to reno it was let's go to del taco should we go to chapman right now chapman in orange yeah to. Yeah. So it was me and George Saba and a couple friends.

We were drunk on a Thursday, and nobody was sober, so we didn't drive, thankfully. But we were like, we should just go, like, Surprise Eagle. What? Yeah. Just drop in 45 miles southeast. A 35-minute drive at the time. what a bad surprise that would have been too like hey four drunk people at your door what i just remembered a funnier part a surprise related thing of my story is that on the way to reno we surprised our friend who was living in uc davis

or in davis at the time j Heller, some of you may know. And we barged into his apartment because it was like, you know, 2.45 in the morning and jumped on him while he was asleep. Except we didn't know that he switched rooms with one of his roommates. So we actually jumped on the bed of a sleeping stranger to us. And we're like, Heller, Heller, yeah!

And he's like, yeah, Josh now lives upstairs. We're like, oh, sorry about that. This would not have flown in 2020, but like in 2004, it was very silly at the time. Insane. Jumping on a stranger's bed. Imagine being woken up at 3 a.m. by seven guys yelling Heller. Traumatizing. Heller in a handbasket.

How was Eagle that night? Eagle was pissed yeah he was uh he was about to uh kind of make make good with the love of his life in a way and uh and he was trying to they got in this argument earlier in the night that it was like oh like you don't take things seriously like your friends you didn't tell him you were coming i didn't because i didn't know that that was happening right so i thought that he would be solo dolo on the day and uh he was with alas and uh it was the last straw um yeah alas uh okay and i guess um i guess for this lady uh if it's too late sorry about that but not you can just use corona you're having the time of your life right enjoy it i think i think it's gonna be it's a great time to go on a road trip make the best of

it yeah i i emailed her so maybe we can get an update from the road or at the very least from her house because she didn't go. Yeah. Let's go rapid fire nine more emails. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're already at the nine more emails would take a while. Let's do three more emails. We don't even have to record another podcast right now.

We have to record the head gum podcast right now. No, we don't have time. We have to fucking record another podcast now. We have to record the HeadGum podcast right now. Now we don't have time. We have to fucking record another podcast. We can't do three more emails. We can't do nine. Let's do one more email fast. No. No.

I don't want to do one more email fast. Here, let me just pull up one of the emails that I sent recently. Sure. All right. This is to, yeah. This is to Marty. Fuck you. Why can't I have a raise?

What the hell do you do with the company that's so goddamn important? This is Emily Ass, one of the people I follow on OnlyFans. Hey, what's up? Do you do custom videos? I would love if you could sort of help me, instruct me how to J-O on a video. And then I'll film me, and then I'll send you the video of me kind of figuring-O on a video. And then I'll film me and then I'll send you the video of me kind of figuring it out.

I haven't been able to do it yet, but we'll figure it out with your help. I want to be able to finish completion and I don't know how. Stop this. Sure. Yeah. For more of this, tune into the HeadGum podcast, Jeffrey's other show.

Yeah, this is a nice warm-up anything to promote what do you got going on what's on the burner back yeah riley and i uh when is this going up on monday i know this is just a practice i'm just testing out my new microphone did this go it's going up on monday no i was saying this is just a practice run i'm just trying to not recording the new yeah we're not recording this one then there's no reason to plug but i guess i'll figure it out how to practice it i'm not recording no matter when this is uh riley and i's patreon will be live uh riley and spawn myself uh not sure the overlap of your guys's audience in our audience but uh well yeah i guess uh 100 of our audience is in your audience is 30 of your audience um yeah we are doing monthly uh

sketches song parodies and live streams as well as uh i guess yeah that's that's it. That's a lot, though. But it's only $3.99 a month. $3.99. Help out your boys. We're also doing, oh, we have a Patreon-exclusive hoodie. We have, oh, and if you sign up for the higher tier, we will do one cameo-style shout-out video per month. Wow. Wow.

Don't overpromise. You want to make sure that you can deliver everything. I think it's possible. Oh, we also have old review, review ad reads because people love those. And that was the one thing that we cleared with your guys' asses. So I hope I'm not fucking yourself over here. I didn't sign off on any of this. I didn't sign off on any of this shit.

Even the sketch you're pissed about? I'm pissed that, yeah. I'm pissed that you guys have a review podcast. Since when did you gave it to us you pitched it to us okay it's been a year okay we hired them to host you sign up on my payroll i just don't know if they should have a their own podcast show that's a big yeah that's a big conversation we should have had years ago then. You're doing mental math and mental gymnastics. I can see him slacking Claire. This is crazy.

He's actively trying to put the kibosh on it. We've name-dropped so many different people at the company this podcast. Yeah, Cohen, Heller, Claire. Oh, and listen to Review Review on the HeadGum Network. It's Riley Anspaugh and I do improv based off Yelp reviews. It's a lot of fun. If you haven't heard it at all, a good in is the episode you guys did, Airport Lounges, one of my favorite episodes.

We also have episodes with Jeff Probst, Hopes of Survivor, John Gabris, podcast favorite, Ryan Gall himself. Wow, wow, wow. The Gall of it all. and more so what's the patreon url patreon.com forward slash riley and jeff which will force people to learn how to spell both of our names but it's r-e-i-l-l-y-a-n-d-g-e-o-f-f all right riley and jeff yeah uh they're starting to trim giant trees right outside my house so this is a perfect time to thank you guys and get the

hell out of here yeah it was that John Mayer parody which was great and this closing one is a teenage dirtbag parody yes OG fan from 2007 shout out to Fran B so thank you Fran thank you Jeff

thanks for having me on. Of course. Cool. And we'll be back next week. Next week. Yeah, on Monday. Bye, everybody. Bye.

Bye. My boyfriend's a dick And I don't know what to do Yeah, he's just a prick Maybe I'll ride in two If I were you With Jake and Amir Maybe they'll give some advice Or maybe they'll put me on blast

For writing in twice If I were you, the podcast show If I were you, the podcast show With Jake and me there too Coybro starts now ooooh ooooh

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