Segments - 46: Christmas Gift

Episode Date: December 16, 2013

In this episode we discuss second chances, sexy clothes, and the perfect gift. This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace! Easiest way to build a website or online store, ever: http://bit.ly/17DIXqW See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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What do you mean it's funny because it's brought to you by Squarespace? Of course it's brought to you by Squarespace. Why else would you say that? Otherwise the sponsor would be really pissed that I started it off with that. It's not a coincidence. So what is Squarespace? Squarespace allows you to create an online website website a store or a blog incredibly easy and make it look incredibly professional wow what a life hack yeah it's a cool little life hack actually you know

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spelled B-L-K-G-R-Y-W-H-T.com We're going to link all that stuff. I thought it was Black Gary What? Well, sometimes you can be a little bit too stylistic. I think that's a cool photography site we're going to link to all those on our site we're going to give you guys some free traffic and if you guys want to be in our next round of uh sites that we've pimped out on squarespace go to

squarespace.com slash if i were you use the coupon code cheese forward us the website and we'll uh help you out that's it um please enjoy this episode luckily Luckily for you guys, things got real. Can you believe it? They really did. This is it. What episode is this? 46. It's about time things got real.

I appreciate it. It is more than high time, so please enjoy this very real episode of If I Were You. Jake and me. of If I Were You. always this podcast yeah and they will calculate and Jake always brags as long as there's a dime there's always a douche bag

if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you if I were you All right. This episode is brought to you by Coca-Cola. No, it's not. What? It's not.

But that was the theme. Yeah, it was just a catchy theme song. You think Coca-Cola would sponsor this show? What a low-budget, a non-priority that would be for them they they take out super bowl ads they don't yeah they don't give a shit about reaching reaching our podcast more people listen to our podcast and watch the super bowl oh no you really think that you have delusions of grandeur now i think more people watch uh maybe i'm trying to figure out the exact math but i bet 20 to 30 times more people watch uh one super bowl than

have ever listened to our podcast 20 to 30 times yeah that was sobering that was more than a reality check i really think more people knew who i am than peyton manning and uh just hearing those numbers i'm starting to think maybe that's not the case i've never felt smaller than i do right now sitting in in your in your guest bedroom uh with a with a mic plugged into a fucking switchboard. I'm microscopic. I'm a flock of dust floating through time and space. Worse than dust. That theme song

was actually recorded by a brother-sister duo. Nice. Jake and Iris. Do you think they hook up? No. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you think they... Look at your one-track mind. Even when I talk about siblings, that's the first thing it goes to.

That's not enough. It's enough from you. Sorry, it's a little early on a Monday for a blast. Really? Don't you think? You think it's too early? To be put on blast? I don't think so.

I don't know if I want to start the week off on blast. I don't think I want to start the week off thinking about incest. So, Ed, here we are. We're both on a little sour note. To be perfectly honest, I might put you on blast for putting me on blast. You can't put me on a reverse blast. Honestly, I won't do it. I'm not going to do it.

But that's because I wouldn't do that to somebody. I would never put someone on a Monday blast like you just put me on a Monday blast. Borderline don't appreciate that. Yeah. I guess I'm borderline putting you on blast. Anyway, what is that? What the hell are we doing? What is this?

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Did you put your phone on airplane mode no but it's because my brother is coming and i don't know when he's gonna get here okay so if there's a little static throughout the episode that's fine because your brother's coming what if i hold it over here oh so the the uv rays or whatever the fuck i don't fucking understand how this works i've never heard static before i've left my phone off airplane mode at

least once or twice you haven't even noticed you ever put your phone next to your speakers and hear that like and then your phone goes on i never have no no that doesn't sound familiar to you putting your phone next to speakers and hearing a little static electricity before you get a text message yeah your whole argument relied on me agreeing and if I never agree In fact I can't even hear you I don't even have a phone loser That's right Reality is what I think of it So how does this podcast work

People are in difficult places in their lives And they don't know what to do They don't know who to turn to Their friends and family are alright I guess But what they really want to hear is our opinions So they'll email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We comb through the thousands of submissions, and we choose about four to answer every episode.

This is where I think your intro goes off the rails. What? If I can give you a live critique here. I'd rather you didn't. At this point, I feel like I'm... A live critique. it's not it's it's not a monday blast it is absolutely so when i call you out it's a monday blast when you call me out it's a live critique it's actually yeah it's pretty nice that i'm doing this what i'm

doing is a favor what you're doing is putting me on blast i feel like you just don't know how to take criticism i also make the intro so much longer if i try to help you trim every single time so we don't have to say we come through the thousands of submissions maybe come through the thousands is okay i feel like uh we choose four to five that's so we're like oh we choose thousands of submissions and here we go like people email us in, and we do our best to help. Let's get started. That's it. All right. I'm going to do that next episode.

That sounds really nice. Yeah. Well, Sam. I'm sorry. No, no. That's good. All right. Let's get started.

Cracking your hand. Your phone's shattering. You're like the Hulk right now. I guess I made you mad. You won't like me when I'm thinking about ways to improve myself. It's like the Hulk, but he just really hates improvement. All right. Shall we get started?

Let's do it. Let's give this real email, real person, a fake name to preserve their anonymity. And I'm going to say that this person's name is Donatello. Donatello. Donatello writes, Dear Jack and Amir. Nice asshole. Real nice douchebag.

Relax. He was probably kidding. Fucking jerk. All right. Jesus. Nice one. Scum. Yes.

You're a scum. All right. You critiqued me on the podcast, which was fine, and a guy called you Jack. And this motherfucker called me Jack. You're so much angrier than I ever was. My mom and dad were proud to name me Jacob, okay? So I don't go by Jack, all right?

Jack's actually a cooler name if you think about it. I won't. I'm Josh. All right. Donatello writes, Dear guys, Christmas is coming up and all me relatives are asking me what want. Should I clarify that? Yeah, I think you got to look. I got to adjust accordingly.

Okay. Dear guys, Christmas is coming up and all my relatives are asking me what I want. I don't want anything because the only thing they want to give me are books, which I already have, or things I don't want. How do I tell them that I don't want them to give me anything? It would be great if you guys can answer it before it's too late. Thanks, Donatello. So I was right when I called him a douchebag and scum and a motherfucker.

But not for the reason that you had first thought. Yeah, what should he do? He already has all the books. You have every book. He has every book. Okay, they want to give me books, which I already have he already has all the books you have every book he has every book okay although they already want they want to give me books which i already have he has all of them yeah yeah every book every yeah he lives in the library of congress he owns every single book this guy's this guy doesn't need a gift he's probably a multi-billionaire he owns every

single book you should sell some of your books yeah and then you can have uh anything you want i feel like if you just sold every book ever you'd ever, you'd make a fortune. It's so weird to be like, I don't want anything. Yeah, how do I tell them that? I don't know, jerk. Why don't you just at least give them an answer? They want to give you a gift. It's a present. All you have to do is give them a direction.

Or you could just say, oh, I don't know. I'll like anything. You don't have to be like, how do I tell them to fuck off? Or what about like a donation in your name? Yeah, you're a Grinch. Yeah, this guy is the goddamn Grinch. You're the goddamn Grinch. You're trying to steal Christmas.

No, I don't think he's stealing Christmas. Oh, he's the opposite of the Grinch. It's the Minch. Which is what? He's trying to give Christmas back? Then you're Santa if you're giving away all the gifts. Wait a second. Holy shit.

The Grinch and Santa, you're some kind of... This question comes from the North Pole. Oh, Mr. Claus, I'm so sorry I called you a douchebag. Oh, please. Please don't give me the gifts. Shit, I got coal. I got coal. I'm a coal man.

How is that fair? So instead of what do you give the guy that has everything it's what do you give the guy that wants nothing i think you yeah a donation in your name is pretty nice find a charity that you like and say i don't want any gifts but maybe donate to this charity no i don't want to do that either i already have all the donations. Asshole. I don't want anything. I don't understand. It seems like you just haven't thought a lot. It's funny because in theory,

if somebody's like, no, I don't need a gift. I already have everything I need. That sounds very special, but this guy makes it sound awful. Yeah. It's like, I've got more than I could ever need, but it's not like, I already have books,

and they're trying to give me shit that I don't want. Does he think there are only nine books? He only thinks Harry Potter's are books. It's like, I already have books, and they're trying to give me shit that I don't want. Does he think there are only nine books? He only thinks Harry Potter's are books. It's like, I already have books. I have the books. The eight books. What other books do I need? He has one Bible.

That's it. In fact, this is all the books in one. It's all the greatest story ever told. The greatest lie ever told. Oh, that's enough. No. Yeah. I'm putting God himself on a monday blast holy shit lord this is insane struck by lightning god he just blasted you back the ultimate blast

um so to this grinch we say ask for uh money to be donated then you'll come off as a really good guy white t-shirts i feel like you know you never have too many plain white tees that's they're nice so you fuck the fuck donations yeah fuck charity i'm saying charity and you're like nah you can never have you can never have enough t-shirts pains you have to get some haines nice a nice v-neck yeah not oh v-necks actually pretty yeah i would ask for two packages. They've got the Comfort Soft Crew Neck. That's really nice. That's a nice white tea. You're going to want to wash it because it becomes a little creased.

And then also this episode is brought to you by Hanes and Coca-Cola. Our biggest sponsorships ever. A V-neck white tea is really nice. Though I prefer Fruit of the Loom V-necks to Hanes. Okay. And I say give it to Charity. And I say Charity gets a lot of money around Christmas, so he could use some tees.

Seize the tees. Seize the tees. All right. Those are two solid options if I were used. Oh, or a hat. All right. That's it. Okay.

That's nice. All right. Go. Boom. Electric toothbrush. Damn. We're done. Hat, socks, tees. There you go. A jacket. All right All right, go. Boom. Electric toothbrush. Damn. We're done. Hat, socks, tees.

There you go. A jacket. All right. Donation. Electric toothbrush. Leather jacket. iPod. Nano.

Boom. Suspenders. There we go. And the iTunes gift certificate. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Everybody.

Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Walking to the club like I don't really know the rest of that song. I'm so sorry.

Next question. Yes. walk him to the club like i don't really know the rest of that song i'm so sorry um next question yes this one comes from someone we'll call leonardo leonardo all right leonardo writes i love my girlfriend but she always wears very loose fitting clothing she's still a mint but i have to use my imagination when i'm with her because her clothes aren't skin tight. At the same time, I don't want creepy perverts staring at her when we're out in public. What should I do? Thanks, Leonardo. Um, well, gee whiz, it sounds like you

maybe you should get your girlfriend a collar and a leash. Why? Because he seems like he wants to be able to control her. I'm serious, dude. You are blasting away. God is not safe. Leonardo is not safe. Blast off.

3, 2, 1, blast off. This is a goddamn blast-a-thon. And God will damn you for blasting his thon. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, excuse you. I don't deserve this lambasting of blasting. You've been blasted lamb for this.

I don't think that is fair at all. God's going to smite me? This guy needs a magical potion to make his girlfriend hot to him and ugly to everyone else. Because why would she want to be with him if she was so hot that she can get someone who's not shallow enough to care about what clothes that she wears? Oh, wow. Yeah. Can you imagine? What if she finds someone that doesn't care about what clothes she wears?

She would leave him in a heartbeat. Your girlfriend wears clothes that she feels comfortable in, bud. You can't dictate what she wears. But it's a tough... And you can't be happy that she wears baggy clothes so she doesn't get hit on. You got to just let her do her. It seems like you're just approaching it from all the wrong angles. You want her to be more attractive, but you you're considering not that because you're

afraid that other guys will hit on her but then you don't want her to be ugly because then your friends won't respect i'm gonna do i'm gonna try to put myself in his shoes okay okay i'm gonna try to put myself in his shoes you have a girlfriend connect with um i remember high school yeah my girlfriend uh would wear skirts we went to different high schools yeah and like so how'd you meet her um well like a party or some shit what what does that mean you partied with different high schools well yeah i went to i went to uh i went to a private high school, and I didn't have that many friends there, so all my friends went to the other high school.

And then you met her. Yeah. A little Romeo and Juliet action. Private school boy, public school girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Yeah. Yeah, wearing her skirts. You're jerking off.

You jerk off to Romeo and Juliet? The most romantic story ever told? Yeah. So, but, like, I would see her after school and she'd be wearing skirts. And I'd be like, oh, no, like, you were wearing that skirt all day. I'm, like, jealous that guys got to, like, look at you. And, like, if somebody was coming up behind you on the stairs, what if your skirt, like, blew up in the wind and, like, someone saw your underwear or your butt which is a something a stupid high schooler thinks but you don't feel that anymore like if your girlfriend like say you had a girlfriend uh and she was wearing a really

low-cut shirt and she bent over to pick something up and some pervert just like stared down her shirt and saw her nipple yeah i guess that'd be bad would you feel like hey don't wear low-cut shirts anymore uh you really you're making me think about, hey, don't wear low-cut shirts anymore? You're making me think about stuff that I don't want to think about, man. What do you mean? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, he's crying.

How is this average? You always want shit to be average. How is this average? Why do you want it to be average? How is this ordinary? I want to live a life not extraordinary. love how is this how is this normal and then i slowly switch to average how is this average well okay so it's true you don't want um but it's tough to be like i don't want you wearing this well i mean the thing is the weird thing is that she's not wearing that right

she's currently wearing clothes that are like nice normal loose fitting like not drawing too much uh pervy attention though you should also trust humanity a little bit that it's not like mostly perverts but i am so who knows there's also a an area in between slutty and uh baggy normal right but how do you suggest to your girlfriend to wear normal clothes i think well christmas is coming up you could just buy her uh a slightly smaller shirt. And I think like positive reinforcement always goes a long way. It's never good to be like, I want you to wear this.

It's, it's more, it's nicer to be like, if you see her in something that's like in line with the way you ideally want her to dress complimented, that's it. And then she likes you. She's going to positive. So use,

so if I were you, you'd use positive reinforcement to sort of steer her towards the clothes that you do like. Yeah, power positivity. In a relationship, a lot of times people are like, oh, do you like this shirt? Does this look good? What should I wear? Right. You can steer it.

But it's weird to have a conversation that's like, I would like you to dress sexier. Yeah. But not so sexy that perverts are looking at you. I don't know. I want you in that special zone where you're hot, but you're mine. Yeah. So I feel bad for calling this guy an asshole. I sort of understand.

Wow. We're really growing today. It's amazing. We're special. It's funny. This podcast is for other people, but it's also for us. It's nice. We're both crying and hugging.

For 23 minutes. All right. Two questions deep. You want to take our little break? A little breather. A little. Is there anything you want to talk about? Your pre-party ritual yesterday was pretty funny.

The ritual? Yeah, the running to a mall to get clothes that you're going to return. I feel like this podcast makes me sound poorer and poorer. You felt ugly. I felt very ugly yesterday. I forgot my bag at your house. We're too far away from Amir's house for me to change,

and we're going to a holiday party in Beverly Hills at some CEO's house. It's super swanky, or at least I was under the impression that it was going to be. And it was cocktail attire, business casual or whatever. So I needed clothes, and we walked down the street and couldn't find anything.

It was like, we have to be at the party in half an hour. It was like, we need to go to the mall. So we got in your car, sped to a mall, ran into a J.C crew where you found clothes that were too expensive for you to purchase so you got them on credit wore them without taking the tags off yeah even off the tie i hid that i successfully hid the tag on the tie you're like uh you're like a homeless person who someone dressed up also it was a real life hack i bought so i bought i was my socks were disgusting i bought new socks um and i bought a a new a blazer and a tie and then i went into the bathroom and i threw out my underwear oh wait didn't you almost get caught too when she was checking it out she was

like um she's like do you want a bag and i was like no i'm just gonna wear it right now she's like oh i'll cut the tag off it's like no no um it's a gift it's a gift so you're wearing i like locked her face into memory so if i go in today and she's there i cannot avoid her you have to you have to uh go through extra effort to actually do that if i don't lock someone's face into memory i just will forget i just locked it yeah do not forget her i can i control est her dude i i can't i i have a bad facial recognition i see people all the time and i'm like hey nice to meet i every single time i'm seeing someone i'm terrified of saying nice to meet you or hey is that normal i feel like i'm bad at that like i had uh i remember the first week of college, like I'm like, I can't think about what my professor looks like. Like if I've met someone once,

I can't process what their face looks like. It's hard for me too. And we also end up meeting a lot of people. Right. I feel like we, and when I see them, they look familiar. But if I like close my eyes and try to think of someone that I met yesterday,

I wouldn't be able to. Right. If somebody has ever like, we did this or we met here. I'm like, Oh, of course I can see it. But I i'd like so much actually yesterday at that party like three different people i stuck my hand out to like say nice to meet you and they hugged me and they're like we know each other one of them was mike shabak you've been working with for seven

years mikey uh all right good story good story good story good times have you returned the clothes yet uh no i'm gonna i'm gonna go do it this afternoon why don't people do that more often all right good story good story good story good times have you returned the clothes yet no I'm gonna go do it this afternoon why don't people do that more often you can just buy a really awesome outfit wear it for one night and then come back with it the next day

I think people do that I feel like they did it in some movie that I was watching oh Never Been Kissed by Drew Barrymore by Drew Barrymore Drew Barrymore wrote and directed Never Been Kissed Drew Barrymore's Nevermore wrote and directed Never been kissed Drew Barrymore has never been kissed

She really hadn't been That's why she was cast in that movie Oh my god That first kiss was the one on camera With Hugh Grant That's a really depressing movie She's like 30 years old And she never had her first kiss

Hey I'm sure there's some 30 year olds That have never had their first kiss Not that looks like Drew Barrymore. Okay, so you're just making them feel worse at this point. Yeah, but if they do, that they're ugly, all right? They're not fucking smoke shows. Are there 30-year-olds that haven't been kissed? Sure there are.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'll kiss you. If you've never been kissed, write us on the podcast, and I'll kiss you. If you've never been kissed, put your cheek up to the speaker right now. Actually. Oh, God. Oh, fuck.

Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. Dude, get that microphone out of your fucking mouth. You feel so fucking good. Oh, God. You feel so fucking good. No, bit is over. I do want you to stop this. I'm getting a weird level of turned off.

I've never been. I think you turned me asexual. My dick shrunk into a nothing. I have a vagina now after that. I think I just have a clit. Oh, God. I'm glad this podcast isn't rated PG-13. It's rated NC-17.

Take that, Coca-Cola, you fucking bitch and we just lost our biggest sponsor to date i love coca-cola you do like coca-cola yeah why don't we free advertising for coca-cola i guess it's like they're doing fine it's pretty great i saw this i'm this is a real weird aside but we'll do this and then get back to the questions but i saw this poster yesterday in like a diner and it was from 1936 celebrating Coca-Cola's 50th anniversary. So like they had been around

since the 1880s. And like what company was able to stay relevant for 140 years? One that pumps their drinks filled with sugar. But still, like think about anything

that was popular in the 1800s. It's all gone away completely. There's just like weird like tooth powder and products that no longer exist. But Coca-Cola is still

the number one drink in the world crazy you think those guys make bank I bet the CEO of Coca-Cola is making like

two grand every time someone buys a can I fucking swear to God two grand every time someone buys a can yeah I feel like that's his fucking

that's his contract that couldn't possibly he's making two grand a can no that's he's a two can Sam how much do you's making two grand a can. No, that's insane. He's a two can Sam. How much do you pay for a can of Coke? $6,500. I don't know.

It's like buying two laptops. You don't understand money. Do you think the CEO of Coca-Cola makes bank? Do you think he makes bank though? I bet he has like a fat house. Yeah, dude. He's got a fat pad. He's got like bigger than my parents' house, I bet.

Yeah. Like a three-bedroom. Fucking, yeah, three-bedroom with maybe- Three fucking four-bedroom in a pool. Two cars. Yeah. Two cars, two-car garage, and it's, like, fucking, like, inside is, like, carpet. I swear.

I swear the CEO of Coke makes makes so much bank his house is carpet all right let's get back to it yep question number three hey guys my name is raffaella very nice you also could have said april o'neill but that's fine damn it hey guys my name is raffaella nice you also could have said april'Neil, but that's fine. Hey, guys. Your iPod's broken. It's skipping. All right. Hey, guys. My name is April O'Neil. Nice. You also could have said Raffaella. For the last two years, I've been in a weird, complicated, and completely toxic relationship with a guy.

It started off with us flirting at work, then sexting, then him trying to sleep with me, and me refusing because he had a girlfriend. Eventually, we hooked up after he broke up with her, and it all culminated in a pregnancy scare. I've been ignoring him for the last four months and thought I was finally able to get over him. However, he texted me a few days ago saying that he had changed and begged me for another chance. I don't know what to do. Should I give him another chance chance or do you guys have any advice on how to finally get over him thanks love rafaela you're also gonna say so should she give this guy another chance that makes it's been four whole months four months yeah opposite advice oh yeah people change especially

people like that i think you can't look at the track record no i mean this guy this guy tried to cheat on his girlfriend that you have to understand that was four months ago and that was with you okay like he's not gonna cheat on you no he's not a cheater he's not a cheater he's not he just want he knew what he liked and it was you and he messed up obviously there was some sort of pregnancy scare you know a lot of drama with a toxic relationship isn't it nice to have that kind of passion? Yeah. To feel that? Yeah, just feeling heartache and weird pains of emotional pain. That's good.

And then to top it all off, this guy, four months later, that's enough to change completely. And it's not like he just wants to have sex with her again. I don't think it's about that. No, it's not about sex. I think it's like deep-rooted change. Yeah, otherwise why would he beg if he wasn't telling the truth about himself? Especially, I mean,

to have the balls to do it over text is pretty cool. So like when I text a girl that I'm begging her over text, that's the truest form of me. That means something. Yeah. It means, it means a lot because you're begging. Like otherwise,

why would you beg? So, um, never talk to the guy again. Yeah. Right. Yeah. True advice. Okay. Here guy again. Yeah. Right? Yeah. True advice.

Okay, here we go. True advice. Yeah, just stop doing that. How weird is it to sext with someone and then go to work with them the next day? Oh, my God. They started flirting at work and then they sexted. And then she was like at work the next day like, oh, hi, I sent you a picture of my tits and you sent me one of your dick.

And she also said, I skipped this parenthetical aside, but she says, then sexting before I knew that he had a girlfriend. So says then sexting before i knew that he had a girlfriend so he was sexting with her and he's like oh by the way i have a girl that's a very relevant parenthetical yeah but but you're worse than this guy actually what are you talking about this you are are you insane you're culpable for what accountable if not responsible responsible you are him actually because i skipped you're him this is insane yeah this is absolutely nuts all right i'm gonna kick your ass for what you did to her to my rafaela april o'neill if a guy is begging you he's never in the right yeah also just coming from somebody who doesn't know how to change, he didn't change.

Nobody changes, let alone in four months. And not like, no, no, no, no. How long do you think it takes for you to completely change? I don't know. How long have you been this person and how long do you think it'll be before you're not him? I guess I've been this person for five years. How old am I? 28? I don't know five years. How old am I? 28?

I don't know, man. How old are you? 28. Five years. I think when I was 23, I became a monster. Okay. And the thing is- And that's 60 months, not four.

That's 15 times longer than this guy said. Right. And I'm also still the same. So we don't know how long this stage is going to last. It might be forever. I might have like, there might be no turning back. The disease might have taken over. At this point, there is no you left to go back to.

My heart is a void. How do you grow something from someplace that doesn't exist? Yes. So this guy did not change in four months. If anything, he is more the same now than ever. He just wants to bone you because he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is how it works. You have sex with someone and then you cast them aside.

A few months later, you start thinking about, oh, that sex was kind of fun. I'm going to reach out to them. Except with you, you guys have this toxic relationship. So he realizes what he needs to do is reach out and say that he's changed and try to drag you back into his swirling, swirling tornado vortex of carelessness. So did they also work together? Did I make that up? They did. They started flirting at work.

Okay. So just so many reasons not to even entertain this guy's thoughts. Just don't. Don't. Although maybe there's a way she can fuck with him back. You know, like turn him into an even worse person. No, the biggest thing she can do is just ignore him completely. Yeah, that would get her.

Engaging him is no. No, no, no, no, don't. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't! Maybe she can hit him. Hit him? Yeah. Hit him?

Yeah, take like a chair and hit him in the back. Okay, easy does it. No, like take one of those chair legs and sort of jab him in the spine. You're inciting violence. You're trying to cause a riot and it's not okay. Chaos and anarchy in the workplace? You'd love that, wouldn't you? You just fucking love shaking up the status quo, you piece of shit.

You dissident. You fucking joker. You're a joker. All right. We cannot be more clear. Yeah, don't. Do not. Ready for this last question?

Let's do it. Shall we call this person? Oh, this guy's good. Which one have we used? Michelangelo? Yeah, I think so. It's good because Michelangelo is a party dude. Party dude!

And this guy is also a party dude. Listen up. This is a little bit longer, but it's worth it. Ready? Without sounding too self-righteous getting girls isn't something that's difficult for me for a late teen male i'd say i'm pretty good at the game and getting compliments on my looks by both my female and

male friends by chatting to a girl for a minute i can tell what type of person they are and what they like in regards to attention and person all this has amounted to me having a rotation of about four or five different girls showing hot interest in me at any one time, and they would probably hook up with me given the chance. Except this is where my problem comes in. For each of these girls, I change myself to suit the type of guy they like, be it cocky or cute,

so they only know a glimpse of the real me. There's a part of me that wants to keep getting the attention I can get easily from girls. I enjoy it. But there's a part of me that wants to commit at the same time, except trust will always be on my mind, as well as the pretending to be a person I wish I was to some of these girls. If I decided to get into a dedicated relationship, how would I cut off these girls?

Since the case is they are the ones that contact me first for a conversation or to meet up and they have a certain expectation of me now that i've gotten myself into this situation thanks so much bro dudes love michelangelo oh no what i can't answer that question i have that problem i wasn't listening i can't answer that question i wasn't paying attention i was texting uh this guy's getting started even before you yeah he's in his late teens and he's already fucking playing the game pretending to be people he's not getting attention he's gonna be even worse yeah or maybe he'll peak early and become a better person by your age well that'd be nice so what is it it's uh getting fits of micro attention from girls do you change do you i

haven't noticed that you uh change your personality i mean you do change your personality to get girls but i don't think you have five different ones that you can like rotate no i think i like play i'm like always myself but like sort of a heightened version you play the same game with every girl regardless of who they are. But there are certain times where like, if I know like a girl likes outdoorsiness and adventure and like that and like traveling, then I like, I've like done a lot of outdoorsy adventures and traveling so I can like handle that. Play that up, right.

Or if a girl's like into partying and clubbing, I can be like, oh yeah, like I'm into like these shows and these bands and these bars, you know? Right. But it's all quasi genuine because you are actually excited about that kind of stuff yeah it's all it's all you're never just like i love sports even though you don't right now but i guess i could be like i love tom brady right i can't tap into like i have so many genuine emotions about things i can just tap into different like areas but it's never a lie at least right i'm never like oh yeah i i i've been to south africa too it's so magical yeah i would never lie like that but also i think i do this other thing where it's like i have um i have these like go-to things that make me seem really really open uh-huh like

i'll i'll share some stories that make it sound like i'm just revealing something to somebody that i've never told anyone before right and and they're like oh my god this guy's like so open and like i'm like i'll let my guard down but it's like i'm giving them like so nothing like not a true not a true version of myself at all so i i i understand where he's saying unless they listen to this podcast in which case they know the truest version of you. Right, which is that I'm awful. Well, the question is, if I decided to dedicate myself to a relationship, how would I cut these girls off?

Yeah, I don't know. Why is it hard to just stop texting people back? If you're in a relationship with someone you like and somebody texts you, they initiate, you could be like, oh, sorry, I'm busy, or sorry, I'm seeing someone someone it's not the easiest way to do it i've done that before but then it just creeps back in when you're like oh i'm curious about what this person's doing and then there's all this like social media shit where like if i see a girl that looks hot in a picture

on instagram i want to like reach out to her i like if if i ever get a girlfriend i need to just delete all of my contacts delete delete all of my social media. Yeah, you have to put yourself in a sensory deprivation chamber because you won't be able to not react to the impetuses. You just have to phase them out of your life. But it's sort of like when you're on a diet and you're just like, oh, I need to clear out my kitchen so I'm not tempted. I'm like, I'm going to get rid of these chips, get rid of the bacon or whatever. Yeah. Like you need to, that's what you need to do

which you also need to do for food right yeah yeah I should just like remove temptation because I'm so weak-willed but I also am like I'm too I'm too like I'm too fucking deep now you're in it I love giving into my whips well if for someone who okay let's say this guy is asking his his self in 10 years you what he could have done differently what's your advice to your former self to keep him out of this rabbit hole i guess i mean it's it goes a long way that you're already self-aware and i think that like this type of behavior eats away at you like it's eating away at me though the weird thing is that like i can't see myself changing and i don't know how right because you ultimately like it so much yeah i understand that it's

killing me from the inside out and like every single day i wake up and i feel further away from the good person that i imagine myself becoming and i feel like disconnected with like my friends and my family who are like good people i feel like i'm turning into this weird little hobbit troll that that only exists in my own head you're a beggar in the morning and i'm a king at night yeah that's that song oh man that song's so good it's the bar brothers the uh beggar in the morning everyone should listen to that song very very good song it's about jake actually um i'm like beggar in the morning, king at night, and my belt is loose and my trigger is tight.

So let's try to give this guy some pointed advice before we go. How would I cut these girls off? I guess, I mean, I'm not in the same situation, so my advice doesn't carry as much weight, but I feel like just being as honest as possible with people that text you, be like hey do you want to hang out no sorry i'm seeing someone doesn't that seem like the easiest solution sometimes the easiest is the most simple yeah but then like with the right girl that's going to make them feel like

oh like now we're having like this illicit text conversation like i want to i don't know i think you have to just straight up delete the contact so you aren't tempted to get in touch with them and when you get a text from them it's a number you don't know and you say who is this and then they're upset well think about your last girlfriend you were texting let's say you had a similar rotation of four five six eight twelve fifteen thirty five girls right you settled on one that you liked they texted you what did you do i responded to everyone and just hit you had a password on your phone or something? No, I guess.

If you have a girlfriend, at one point invariably they'll look at your phone and see like, oh, you have nine texts. I've had girlfriends that I cut people out for. And I guess I just like, I just didn't respond. Like not like I'm sorry I'm seeing someone. It was just like radio silence. People would reach out to me and I just didn't answer them answer them there you go fight the good fight brother it's too late for me you go on i'm a fallen soldier i need you to do what's good for me yes remember me honorably actually i'd like the uh i'd like uh i'd like a medal of honor also, delete Tinder from my phone. And just actually go ahead and do a hard reboot.

I'm a hero. I'm a hero. Remember me as such. Bury me with my MacBook Air. I'm a good man. I was a good man. I lived an honest life. Please delete my internet history.

Oh, Merce. Merce. All right. That's it. There we go. Byece. All right. That's it. There we go. Bye. Thanks. Peace.

That email address, again, if you want to email us with your own little difficult places, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We're also still accepting theme song submissions. We start and end every episode with new ones. That first one was from a brother-sister duo, Jake and Iris, which was awesome. This next one is also awesome. Very awesome. It's written by someone named Eric, and it sounds like a real song.

Please enjoy, and we'll see y'all next week. Later. One, two, one, two, three. If I were you, I'd listen to the podcast Learning something new as I make my way to class If I were you, taking a meal would be there for you So I'd tell them about your problems And I'd probably try and solve it So be afraid

They will change your name Whether it's a boy or a girl Or someone from out of this world So If I were you I'll tell my story to these two. Will they make fun of you? Or is it possible to laugh at you?

If I were you