Segments - 460: Morning Before Election

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

In this episode we discuss army time, farting time, and VOTING TIME.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous.

You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that,

I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number,

so you have to edit it out, okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, two. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no, no. If I were you, if I were you,

yeah, if I were you. If you don't know what to do, then just ask these two dudes Why your crush won't text you back or if your neighbors swim nude Some creep won't leave you alone, how else can you tell him no? If you're this guy, just get a clue She doesn't want to be fucking green If your girlfriend's asking questions About something you mentioned

Or if it's weird to smell your balls Shake an EMEA and the answers are It's not what you It's not what you It's not what you It's not what you It's not what you Awesome. Yeah. I love when you choose one of my theme songs.

It's cool. This is If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet. You did not know. Hosted by us. I'm Jake. Uh, I am a comedian, writer, composer. Eric.

And I go by Eric. And I go by Eric sometimes. Eric Areola made that song. Yeah. Nice. It's a good one. Yeah. He remixed it, recorded the vocals in his girlfriend's bathroom

while she was taking a nap so shout out to faith okay shout out to faith yeah he not really respectful of your girlfriend's nap to uh chant if i were you in the bathroom but i guess it wasn't super loud yeah but we can plug his stream fade by fatal ra on spotify and apple music all right shout out shout out to fade yeah um i voted for trump oh you voted sorry you voted early which is good which is good people you want people to vote early but you voted for the for the bad guy in the election it's not often you have an election where there's a good guy and a bad guy. Well, I looked at the policies and I was like,

all right, let me cover up the mans and see who I agree with more. Policy-wise? Yeah, I was like, let's go down the list. Do I want to be taxed more? Yeah, and I was like, I don't make $400,000, but I can see a world where I become a rich man.

And if I were a rich man, I wouldn't want to pay a 39%. Do you think you're going to be rich in the next four years? Because in theory, you could spend the next four years getting rich under Biden's policies and then switch to a conservative. But it sounds like you're switching sides too early. It wasn't just the taxes, actually. You also like the anti-immigration, the climate change is a hoax stuff, the rolling back. Yeah, I don't really believe in science at all.

And if I were to become rich soon, I don't want to pay. I guess that's the taxes, too, like not having to pay a lot. And you do have to pay more under his tax plan you know that right i don't think my vote matters as much thankfully yeah california biden's gonna win despite your best efforts less so yeah i've also signed up to be a poll watcher like an official one or sort of like no sort of part of trump's army and then like so that's what intimidation you're out here it's just like ballot boxes like near libraries that are pretty i know back east like people are you have to wait

so you're camping out next to one with like a plastic camping out yeah make america great again and as soon as someone dumps the ballot and, I'm like, who'd you vote for? I'm taking an exit poll, bitch. So you let them vote, yeah. I was actually dishonorably discharged from Trump's army of poll watchers yesterday. I wasn't doing my job, unfortunately. Dishonorably discharged. You had to vote in person, right?

Yeah, I chose to. I don't know, like, what, I mean, I could have done the ballot drop-off or anything. It's just, like, I've actually never voted in person before. This was my first time. Oh, you usually do it by mail. So this is my first time. And what were the vibes like at the line? It was, you know, I thought it was going to be crowded.

We went on Sunday, but there was like no line outside. Basically the line, I was the second person that was waiting outside. So the line was short. And then once you got inside, there's like 10 people. There's like a person there to tell you exactly what to do every five steps. So it never felt shady or anything no and like i definitely didn't know what to do someone had to tell me every single time and now next time i vote i'll have a little bit better of a sense but like i walked in i'm like where do i go yeah like was it analog like did you have to punch something or it was

like a scantron i they gave me a pen this this little vote NYC pen right here that I still got. Nice. And you fill in a bubble. Just the bubble. Yeah. I filled in the one next to Donald J. Trump as well. That's pretty cool that we did a little 180. Because we've been kind of going pretty hard for the other guy and then

doesn't say at all that his his campaign slogan this this election cycle was supposed to be keep america great and he had to pivot back to make america great again like you didn't you made it bad it was good until the china virus is all right now we're rounding the turn don't worry about that don't worry about that yeah um yeah and then i also like when i was finished with my ballot i'm like do i just hand this to someone i it's too important to me i want to make sure that i did it right um and even then you had you like i went up to the person i handed it to they put it in in the Scantron. It's counted right before my eyes. They verified that I did everything right, so I didn't even have to go out not knowing.

Wow, and that's it. It's over. Yeah, I mean, the system's bad, but it felt good that I know my vote was counted. And that was... Now I'm going to do that from now on, voting in person, voting early. Yeah, now we wait. we kind of wait to see if this is the last episode um of our show because this comes out monday we're going to do one final episode of this show no matter what right the final episode will be either morning after trump part two which is sort

of our suicide note or uh morning after Biden, which is like, wow. We're going to go for another 500 episodes, yeah. So we've got an episode coming out on Wednesday that will either be the dawn of a new day, a new era of Jake and Amir podcasting, or the end, the final chapter. Which is kind of exciting. Although my big fear aside from trump

winning is the unknown we go to sleep tuesday night and it's like yeah we have to wait sorry guys we don't know what pennsylvania or florida are gonna do yeah i can i can definitely see that happening right or like trump being like a little bit ahead and then both candidates throw like a victory parade for each other like i won no i won yes we both won worst case scenario because i think florida counts pretty quickly it's like trump wins florida on election night but other things are unknown so you go to bed not knowing but hope being dashed that's what i don't want yeah like he's in the lead and it's only like the third quarter but he's declaring victory and then you have to go to sleep hoping that the rules of the game will be adhered to in the morning yeah it's just so bad it's so bad like

life and death is on the line this time but it's close we're at the very least we're close we don't have to keep waiting keep harping on it it's like yeah you know what i'm ready it's it's almost november and by the time you listen to this it's monday the day before election day jesus christ how can't even imagine how much would i have to pay you to just go camping on monday until saturday off the grid no internet no phone wow i. I think I would do it if you just gave me the time off. If you found a way to cover everything that I needed to do next week, and you were like, would you take a carefree vacation for a week and come back and know or not?

I would definitely do that. I would be able to have a carefree vacation like wednesday and thursday just like fucking trembling alone in a yurt somewhere knowing that everybody else in america knows who won but i wonder i feel like on wednesday and thursday there's a solid chance a not inconsequential probability or possibility that everyone will have the same level of anxiety as somebody can't say camping in the woods not knowing because they don't know either yeah it's yeah it's looking more and more likely like we won't know versus we will that sucks hopefully i'm wrong uh all right that's

the comfort is that we've everyone's been wrong so much about so much having to do with him. Because you also remember what we were talking about in 2016, or what I was worked up over, was like, Trump's not going to accept the results of the election. Can you imagine Trump saying he won't accept the results? He wasn't even president. It wouldn't have mattered if Trump lost and he's like, I don't accept the results. It's't even president. It wouldn't have mattered if Trump lost. And he's like, I don't accept the results. It's like, okay. Poor you, bro. Your reality shows.

The Democrat in power is going to transfer it to the Democrat that won. So, like, you not accepting is fine. And now this year it's, but then, like, you know, after I was also worked up about that, like, he's not going to concede. There's going to be violence in the streets. His supporters are going to protest. And then just, like like cut to he won he just yeah he just legitimately won in the electoral college and now everybody is like what if he doesn't accept the results that's you know definitely bad what if we don't know the results definitely bad worst worst worst case scenario

we know on election night and he wins that's also a possibility yeah so there's just no there's no preparing for anything there's no point in working up getting worked up over an unlikely or a weird scenario yeah i just we just have no idea i had to remind myself i'm like wait obama was the president that recently like i feel like trump's been in office for like a year but like obama i can't think of like a time where obama was the president year but like obama i can't think of like a time where obama was the president that feels like 10 years ago because i think of it as like 2008 and that's it it's like oh wow as recently as four years ago when we recorded morning after trump which feels like 15 months ago slash a lifetime ago obama was the president still yeah obama was the president

that was what a time what a nice he should have done he should have done the thing where he's like i this is a rigged election and uh all that shit that trump's saying like we have to have we know who wins there's going to be a red wave they're stealing shit from me and shit like that that would have been that would have been smart if he was like clinton won the popular vote we can't i can't abdicate the throne like this. I'm going to stay in power. He was also kind of a maniac, but like a smarter maniac. Yeah. God, that'd be cool.

All right. This is If I Were You, an advice podcast after all. Not a political podcast. Stop trying to politicize everything. It's not political anymore to say Trump's bad. That's just a straight up fact um we got some questions from people who i guess are still dealing with um coronavirus stuff i guess we didn't round the turn we didn't defeat at least not yet well in two weeks we'll have

rounded the turn and they'll have and we'll have um a um an antidote yeah a vaccine is coming so don't worry i can't wait two more weeks uh oh this is good a basketball dilemma okay quarantine basketball okay yeah we'll call this guy uh cantavious caldwell pope cool kcp writes i'm hoping to get some advice from LeBron James himself, Amir Blumenfeld. That's right. I just got into, I get that a lot, so it doesn't really phase me. I just got into basketball a few months ago

at the beginning of quarantine. I got a hoop a few weeks ago and I've been shooting on it every day. I'm a high school freshman and apparently the freshman team is missing many players. Understanding that I barely know how to play, but I very much like the sport and want to get better do you think i should go to tryouts and almost definitely make it to the team as bad as i am or wait until next year when i'm somewhat more experienced keep in mind i have only played by myself i'm five foot nine and most

people on the team have been playing for years. Thanks. Love, KCP. Did you know that I was on my high school basketball team for one week? No, what happened? It was really, really hard, and I was very bad. I had this guy's exact problem. So you were a freshman? I was actually, I think i was a junior oh it was when i when i transferred schools uh in my junior year when i when i went to private school there was like 40 kids in my class so like really you could do you were at that school because it was so small you were required to

play a sport each semester and i was like like, oh, I'll try basketball. That seems cool. And I thought it'd be fun to be a basketball player. You'll get a jersey. Yeah, it was all about the aesthetics of basketball. And then I played for a week, and it's so difficult. I didn't know how to shoot or dribble i wasn't good at defense either i played like one-on-one and horse in my friend's

driveways i was terrible at defense so how did you quote make the team is it because everyone made the team yeah you could not be rejected from the team and i only made the jv team i didn't make the team it was i was i could not play uh varsity basketball so i was on the jv team but we all practiced together um and just like one day it was just so it was like so hard um and i the next day i went in and i told the coaches like i think i have to quit he's like oh yeah i know i assumed you already quit i figured like yeah that makes sense that makes sense but did you get to keep the jersey or you didn't know because it did not make it that far i did not make it that far i never got a jersey never got in in seventh grade

i think there was um we had a middle school league where everyone had to make a team because it's like seventh grade private school so you better believe if your little kid wants to play he gets to play yeah 40 20 000 a year do Tucker is going to play. But since there were like 40 kids, quote, trying out, they just had to keep making teams. So like every school had like an A team and a B team and a C team. So like, it's like we like played like different leagues of levels. And I did the tryout and I thought it was like fine. I was very short and unathletic, but I'm like, at least I could shoot. I'm like, I'm not a complete novice like you were.

I'm like, I know the rules of the game. And they fucking, they draft you into the different teams in front of everyone. So it's like, this person made A team. This person made A team. Let's go on to the B team. B team, B team. And you're still sitting there? They get all the way down to the C team.

I'm like, this is crazy. I'm going to be on the fucking C team. I don't even make the C team B team B team and you get all the way down to the C team I'm like this is crazy I'm I'm gonna be on the fucking C team I don't even make the C team there's not oh wow I look around and it's like the kid who picks his nose whose mom like dropped him off at the fucking playground and said you had to try out and like two other people who have never touched a basketball before I'm like all right so like what's up now and they're like you guys are on i think i told you this before it's so fucking embarrassing you guys are on do you remember what they called it no it's so shameful not the not the d team because that's too embarrassing right right you guys are on the nba the nba team oh don't don't applaud that yeah like don't get happy elliot that's not a good thing like

they're just fucking patronizing but like you don't know how to play basketball like that's awesome nba team like no i'm not on the fucking nba team you made a team while i'm on the fucking NBA team. You made A-team? Well, I'm on the NBA team. Yeah, it's me and Eli who just learned what basketball was. Okay, Eli shit himself over there. So I was mortified, embarrassed, and ashamed. But I will say that because I was the best player on the NBA team, playing against other schools, 7th seventh and eighth grades, NBA team, players that did not know how to play basketball. I felt like a fucking all-star.

I'm like, this is great. I'm scoring like 18 points a game because nobody knows how to dribble or shoot. You played on the NBA team till college, right? I sort of created a league in high school. So I would draft me against other people who are all shorter and slower than me uh so it turned out to be very fun but like i was i remember like crying to my

parents being like i can't believe they put me on the fucking worst team i actually play basketball at recess this is horseshit did all your were all your friends like this is crazy you shouldn't be on the nba team like did any did anyone else see the injustice or was it only you well i yeah i bet they were just being polite to me they're like yeah that's insane right uh we're on the b team so we're gonna like actually practice but that fucking sucks but i guess instead of like being the worst player on the c team or b team i would have just i i got unlimited playing time and on the nba team and played against other inferior opponents yeah maybe they thought that you could teach the nba kids you know maybe they were like we need blumenfeld he's a he's a leader but he can't lead the b team that's probably it

or what if i was so good i was like i was trying to make you feel better, and it worked too easily. No, it worked. And I don't... Because if you think about it, you don't want to put the worst player so the coach is like... It shouldn't have worked this well. Wait, I have an idea. Instead of Blumenfeld, they already knew who I was, on the A team, and all the other coaches were like, definitely A team.

I was like, what if we fucking put him on the NBA team? That way he's the fucking LeBron James, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant of this shitty ass league. And I was, I guess they thought that my demeanor disposition was such that I wouldn't like take that personally or I would like take it in stride and be like, that's like, I would like fucking pony up to the challenge of it all and be like, stand up. You were too easily convinced. And it feels like you'd already gotten to this conclusion yourself. I was baited into it.

I'm going to Facebook message my old PE coach. Yeah, he is a Trump supporter. All right. I'll send him a message and I'll ask him if he's voting, if he has a plan. And if he put me on the NBA team just to see if he could get a fucking rise out of me. All right, what was this guy's question? Should he try out? Yeah, you might as well try out.

I think you should try out and you should play and you'll be bad, but you'll be bad with other players and the team and you'll grow and that'll make you a better player next year. Like if you're down to be bad and practice for a year, it's probably better to practice with the team than it is to practice by yourself yeah you you can only get so good

shooting by yourself in a driveway yeah you can get you can become a good shooter but there's a lot of running and defense and other shit involved that's the that's the hard part that you're not expecting yeah definitely i didn't even know you had to dribble. Yeah, that's how they get you. And it has to be one-handed. There's a whole fucking rule book. And as the star of the NBA team, I was responsible for teaching everybody how it worked. I remember we were such a bad team.

We used to play in second-rate gyms, like gyms with carpet instead of wood floors. Oh my God. The real teams were playing in the real gyms with carpet instead of wood floors because oh my god the real teams were playing in like the real gyms we're playing in like a fucking kindergarten classroom turned into a basketball court a cafeteria table's still there kids still eating i have to dribble around them this is a fucking disgrace to the nba uh all right let's take a break. Thanks to some sponsors.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any... Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yes, you know I do.

I recently changed my phone to a 24-hour clock military time. Or a European time zone, which is kind of the way I like to look at it. So what? Makes me a little more worldly i think really it's a fun little skill to have to know how to tell 24 hour time because when you travel some countries use it and you know i think it's a better system to be perfectly honest because you have to do the the am and the pm you just yeah say 15 so do you still say i don't know what 15 is because that's a that's a hard one 15 is like that should be one of the easier ones 15 the hard time the hard one is like when it's like 20 colon 48 right well then it's you know it's in between

seven and nine just change your clock it's like dinner ish well i'm still learning you don't say it you don't say the number right you don't say 22 you say 10 and then you say oh 800 hours private oh that's 8 a.m okay so you still don't fucking really get it uh no you i you do not say 14 o'clock you don't say 14 but you say you'd say two you'd say two and then you'd look and it would say 14 00 yeah i don't know why it's good to have but it's a fun everything sucks now everything is a boring monday day nothing's new nothing's interesting and that it tickled me a little bit to have a new thing on my phone you're like in prison yeah there's nothing to do good news guys i figured out how to add 12 to the hour and that'll sort

of keep me going until after the election but yeah no it is hard it is definitely hard there have been a couple times where i was wrong i wonder if it makes europeans smarter or better at math because it's like ingrained in them to be like oh 21 50 is minus 12 is 9 50 p.m yeah i don't know and i mean i guess like there is it a better system or is the 20 or is the 12 hour thing that we've got over here better? I don't mind the military. What's hard is the Celsius. Cause like, I remember being like in Israel or something and they'd be like, it's 22 out.

And I'm like, all right, now I have to fucking do like divided by five times nine plus 30. 13 like is it the conversion there is like really bad yeah i don't understand that self so and i mean the the meter system too that but that one i that one i know in my heart is better than the one we have but it's just like i don't i can't get there i won't be able to learn that but you know maybe i'll start with a 24 hour clock and i'll go slowly moving to yeah you're just slowly gonna move to europe basically you want out of america this is very badly very badly to be your first centimeter out or half an inch yeah i want to be an english bloke i really do that's cool you already like like the fashion of the time like wearing you know bundled up foggy gray new york style clothes so you can transfer that to london a cool umbrella nice boots top of the morning flat white etc etc

getting on the tube come on the problem is london is like one of the few cities on earth that's more expensive than new york so like you'd have to start making 1.5 times the cash yeah i guess maybe i'll move to manchester is what i'll do i could always do that a smaller town manchester the main of uk that's right or i could move to scotland yeah i'd be cool well you're already you're already like focused on the whole trump thing just like let's get to the finish line there's a chance that like the polls are wrong in biden's error so like he might actually win in a landslide and it won't even be a big deal that'd be nice but then i could move to europe and i would be like hey look at that my country rounded the curve after all.

Rounded the corner as everybody's dying. Yeah, that's good. Okay, that's good. I don't know if it's good advice, but it's definitely advice. Move your clock. It's unsolicited. It is definitely. Yeah.

Nobody asked for that. No one asked for that. I can't even tell you why it's good. Yeah, I don't think it is. Yeah yeah i don't even think you'd like it yeah well i know it's 14 49 now at the time of recording which is 2 49 yeah the 49 part is easy that shouldn't have been a delay that one stays the same uh all right let's get back to these questions we got one from a lady in texas what should we name her who's the most famous texan woman dolly parton is she from texas we've used her before yeah annie oakley i know these people are vaguely from the south i don't know specifically

from texas right i don't know anyone from texas laura bush yeah from texas gotta be gotta be laura bush writes my boyfriend and i have been together for two years and lived together for about a year and he's pretty great except for he won't stop farting around the time we moved in together things got way less shy about bodily functions which is of course fine but now that things are quickly spiraling out of control, he's constantly farting. Constantly. He even shit his pants three-ish times in the last month. He doesn't even stop farting when he sleeps. He always falls asleep before me the past couple of weeks. And there has been more than a few times where his farts actually wake me up and then made me throw up in the middle of the night i live in fear of him shitting in our bed

we're both mid-20s not like a five-year-old like this email would imply i have no idea what to do i've tried nicely mentioning to him that he should go to the doctor, and he thinks I'm being dramatic. He says everyone shits themselves from time to time, but nobody talks about it. Not three times a month. I don't want to fuck him even because I'm scared he'll fart. I don't want to go on road trips with him because I know he'll fart the whole way. I also don't want to break up with him over this,

but honestly, what the fuck do I do about this biohazard? Love the show, as Bowling For Soup would say. Come back to Texas. That's's too much i fart a lot this is coming from somebody that farts a lot yeah and uh if it's your shirt no i don't uh and i think if his farts are making you throw up if they're that like toxic that he definitely needs to see like what are those guys called like a gastro a gi a gi doc you gotta go see a gi doc at 0800 hours price yeah sometimes people have like allergies and they don't really take it um take it seriously because like the the byproduct is gas

and it's like oh it's kind of funny but sometimes gas really hurts have you ever had like painful gas i've had like gas that's been trapped and it feels like a really bad stomach ache um yeah i've had i've had that um with you know how i can't burp we've talked about this before oh that's right yeah so sometimes like it's like a ton of pressure in my chest yeah like heartburn almost yeah definitely yeah but sometimes people get like consistent gaseous pain because they're either allergic to something or i got bacteria in the gut and they have to like see about that there's like over-the-counter medicine you could take for gas i think that it's it at this point where your boyfriend is uh shitting himself in the apartment and uh ruining your sleep and sex life making you

physically ill he has to go to a doctor he has to that's it's not allowed to not have it looked at anymore also acceptable i will say on record sharding is not as common as he's telling you It's not allowed to not have it looked at anymore. It's unacceptable. I will say on record, sharting is not as common as he's telling you. I haven't shit my pants. I don't know when the last time was. I sharted in 2012, and that was the last time. And the only time. Right after you voted by mail, right?

That's right. Drop my ballot off for Romney. And give a little top of the sharding to you that's right what do you do when you're around girlfriend's family are you holding it in are you going to the bathroom to fart are you also i'm married i have a wife when i'm around my in-laws, I don't fart. When I'm with my mistress and her family, I will toot just a little squeaker. When I'm with my secret family, my son and my daughter, and I have a mistress, a wife, a public wife,

a secret family, when I'm with my secret family and my secret in-laws, I'll let it rip and I will go to town. And then when I'm with my girlfriend, it's secret in-laws um i'll let it i'll let it rip and i will go to town and then when i'm with my girlfriend it's pretty casual i haven't met her folks trim down the amount of women in your life is that your wife your girlfriend or just your main bitch asked ludacris uh i wouldn't fart around any of them actually i fart around my girlfriend but yeah in-laws family that's yeah it's kind of a weird one although do you ever like oh this one is quiet and it might stink but at least they won't hear me no i do not um yeah i don't do that

but then what i farted shamelessly around jill and she does not like it yeah she it smells yeah i mean she gets annoyed when it's just loud which most of the time is just loud and it doesn't smell but like that's the times when it smells really bad she watches yelling does she ever fart in front of you are you convinced that she just doesn't fart she no i don't think she holds back but she basically doesn't fart it's like i don't think this yes it's way way way way less like night and day difference yeah i don't know what it is about dudes that just fart more and fart louder yeah i'll fart at like 14 then at 16 40 and then i'll like fart again at 22 9 that's good that is very good i think that you could not you're not breaking up

with this guy because he farts too much you're breaking up with this guy because his farting is is a detriment to your relationship that he's refusing to uh acknowledge or look into or handle like that's that's the reason to break up i agree that being like oh this guy farts too much i have to break up with him that you can't do that but like this guy farts too much i told him it's a problem for me it makes me physically nauseous i am very upset by it and he won't do anything to change that's breakup material yeah the puking the shitting the farting the sharting her email subject was till death do us fart which is pretty good that's good it's quite uh all right one last question yes one last well you know what i want

to watch um i want to watch that, uh, vote video. That's what I want to do before we leave. Oh shit. All right, here we go. Um,

this is vote part two, which we watched on our Patreon. That's right. And I laughed so hard and I liked it so much. And I, I said, we can't keep this gold, uh,

just, just behind a paywall. Um, but if you do want to watch the video version, that part just behind a paywall right but if you do want to watch the video version that part's behind a paywall um but i just vote part two yeah this was this was uh obama versus romney that was yeah that was what we were trying to get out the vote for back then 2012 that's right uh and you want to watch the whole video or just the part of me struggling to say that line? Let's watch the whole thing. I missed this video. Here we go.

You guys know what today is. Erection day. So cast your bone. It's not that hard on. Leave. Because I made a joke. Because you made three jokes and they were all about dicks.

Okay, it was offensive. You know, in some states, the presidential race is a foregone conclusion. So New York and Alabama, thanks, but no thanks. You don't need to vote. What if everybody thought like that? Then I'd be a genius. Okay, convincing an entire state not to vote.

I should be president. A president wouldn't do that. And look where we are. Yes, they would. Yes, they would. Mitt Romney? I'm smitten, homny. That's not good, man.

Homny's not a word. And Paul Ryan. We are trying, but nobody's Biden. They're a time quite like our vice president, Joseph Dan Quayle. You're not smart. Never said I was. Okay, I know it's a two-party system, but what about the candidate nobody's talking about, Mitt Romney? People are talking about Mitt Romney. You were just talking about Mitt Romney. When? Remember Smitten Homny? Oh, yeah, that was funny. It was not funny. Okay, we know you're busy, but you've got to find- Voting isn't hip, but you know it is a rap, yeah, that was funny. It was not funny. Okay, we know you're busy, but you've got to find...

Voting isn't hip, but you know it is a rap, so give me a beat. Politics is a polished dick, so cast your vote on this pink... Stop, stop. Censorer. I censor a censor, sir, who censored my words, so rest assured I'm incensed for sure. No more slam poetry, okay? That was really good, but no more slam poetry. Thank you. You've got to be as well-informed as possible? That was really good, but no more slam poetry. Thank you.

You gotta be as well-informed as possible, so research your candidates before you head to the polls. Exactly right. So, for example, Barack Hussein Osama, wow, yeah, he stands for socialism. And Mitt Mone, he stands for socialism. So get out there and cast your vote for your candidate today. Oh my

God, let me bail you out, brother. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Oh my God, let me bail you out, brother. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Perfect. Wait, let me try one more. I wasn't blinking. It's fine if you're... I wasn't blinking. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Let me try one more.

So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate... It is harder than it sounded. Three, two, one. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Today, today, today, today. Say it slower. One, today, today, today. Say it slower. One, two, three. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today.

One second. Candidate? I'm not even saying that one word right. Get your V-D-D-D. Oh my god, I'm thinking about something else. Ah! It's like a fff. I'm pissed off now. Candidate de...

Woo! So get out there and vote for your candidate de day! You know, you weren't blinking before and now you just did one with your eyes completely closed. I think both of them work. Okay, ready? Three, two, one. Get out there and vote. Blah blah blah. Let me take it slow and we can speed it up. Even if you were blinking before, that's fine. So get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today doing it slow I said I needed two minutes and you've been standing there

for like seven candidate not even closer get it in vote for your favorite candidate today favorite candidate today favorite candidate today oh my god favorite candidate to date candidate candidate today don't candidate today. Oh my god. Favorite candidate to date. Candidate. Candidate today. Don't say today. It's messy. Candidate. Candidate today. Oh my god, you just shoved it. Yeah, yeah, I needed that. Candidate. I feel like I got it now. Get out there and vote for your favorite candidate today. Oh my god. When you hit me, something messed me up, man. All right, so if you're over the age of 18. Oh, I'm in college. I didn't register. I didn't register.

I can't vote. Wrong. You know, if they didn't register, then you actually can't vote. That sounds like tea party philosophy to me. That was hot tea. And then I burn you at the end for good measure. It's a perfect video. It is a perfect video. I watched it the other day for the Patreon, and I just listened to it now, and I laughed as hard.

I was standing by myself in the kitchen earlier laughing, thinking about Candidate Day. And you can watch it, us react to it on our Patreon, or that clip on my Twitter, on our YouTube. And of course, you should actually vote for your favorite candidate today. Yeah, and the candidate that's your favorite is obviously joe biden that's just and yeah do that love him or hate him you have to respect him more than donald trump uh all right that's it that's good um opening theme song i said who it was bye right yes you did. Opening theme song. Oh, yes, Eric Areola. Areola? Very sexy.

The theme song continues, and there's an outro. So I'm just going to play the outro of it as the outro to this episode. Okay. Love it. And if you have any theme songs or questions for us, the email address for all that is if i were you show at gmail.com and uh yeah happy voting tomorrow we'll be back on wednesday morning hopefully with an answer some peace of mind um yeah right direction hopefully not our last podcast ever fingers crossed fingers are crossed good luck thank you eric we'll be back soon. Thanks for listening. Bye, everybody. Later. That was a Hiddem Original.