Segments - 464: Rat Car

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

In this episode we discuss standing desks, messy homes, and sixth grade math lessons.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous.

You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't.

This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, two. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. A theme song for these two kings A note to all that don't provide The laughs that they bring

If you just got dumped or kicked out of your band Or if you're having problems with your life plans Just email in and leave it in their capable hands If I were you If I were you It's the greatest advice podcast hosted by these two dudes. So let Jake and the men rinse your life, and they will surely free you of strife. If I were you, yes, dude, you know it's true.

If I were you. Oh, yeah. Nice. Very cool That was an original Whoa It sounded good enough that I thought it was a cover off a cool song that I didn't know about yet That's good

Not only is it an original, but it's original by somebody who's We've used their old band, the JJ Experience song, back in episode 349 Whoa, way back. But this time, he's gone solo. We're talking about Joe Crow Audio. Joe Crow Audio. Very cool. Nicely done. He says, it's an original

theme song. It's upbeat. It's rocky. It's poppy. And for any listeners who have podcasts of their own, he's offering free professional podcast episode edits. And all you have to do is go to joecrowaudio.com slash podcast and send him a message. Damn, that's a sales pitch.

I'm about to use that. Yeah, yeah. He hasn't regretted it yet, but he's definitely in the early phase of like, I'm gonna hustle and do work for people. And he hasn't regretted it yet. But maybe if he's editing 15 people's shitty podcasts for the next two months, he'll be like, what did I do? He's got to make himself indispensable and then start charging.

And then you start charging. Yeah, but I'm not about that. I'm not about eating shit. I'm not willing to put in the work i want i want to secure that bag right up front so like i want to walk in i'm 22 you never heard me give me 150k today to do shit that i don't know how to do yeah like that's what i'm that's that is that is dumb and privileged that's at the same time that is your shit isn't it yeah and guess what if you don't pay me my parents will yeah okay there's that privilege coming back i don't need the job so so far nobody's paid me for

allowance so like so far i haven't gotten cash to do stuff but that makes sense my daddy and mommy would give me like 150 grand a year to try to hustle to fucking scrape because like i went to the school of hard knocks so you did it right well i went to a private school right i went to a private school that my parents paid for and then after that it was all about going to the school for hard hard knocks really what i've been rejected no i didn't i didn't get into college because my grades were And then after that, it was all about going to the school for hard knocks. Really? Was that in college or high school? No, I didn't get into college because my grades were bad. But I've been rejected from every job that I've ever applied for because I walk in there and it's like a dick-swinging contest.

It's not a contest if the other person is not participating, by the way. You're just swinging your dick asking for $150,000 on day one for something that you specifically said you didn't know how to do. I'll figure it out if you pay me enough. And so far, nobody has. Yeah. But this guy, I kind of like the hustle that this guy's doing. He's like, I'll do it for free for now and I'll like figure it out. And then like you said, what does it make myself indecisive or something you have no work ethic or acumen you're a bad business guy and you don't

have a work ethic i don't have a work ethic or a work moral i'm completely antithetical to everything i'm not the american dream i'm the american fucking nightmare and if you don't hire me for two hundred thousand dollars i'm gonna stop this podcast you have you have no moral compass at all yeah i don't even have a moral protractor i have a moral yardstick and what the hell is that good for except for measuring my dick swinging contest? Measuring the contest, not the dick? Not the dick. Because the ring has to be a certain size.

Do you remember using compasses and protractors in school? Yeah, vaguely. I remember... It was important for one reason. I don't remember why we had to draw perfect circles, but I remember using those in art class. Like, I don't think I ever got to the point where I was using like a protractor.

Wait, protractor is the one with like the needle and the pencil? The needle and the pencil is the compass. And then the protractor is like the semicircle ruler. Yeah, I remember that that i remember needing that for something yeah god damn it'd be so cool to just go to myself in like high school or middle school and just be like dude you're good you know don't even try like i know you're not going to anyway but like don't stress about it you know that's what i want yeah like because i didn't stress about it anyway i would stress about it i would yeah it's it was stressful to be so bad at math

as i was i didn't get any better and i didn't apply myself and i didn't try but you know it weighed on me to an extent yeah i wonder if there's a healthier or safer alternative to compasses. I bet like they don't let people like nine-year-olds come into school anymore with a fucking knife that is attached to a pencil. No, you don't need a compass. You trace the bottom of a Campbell's soup can. And if it needs to be bigger, then you just trace the bottom of a bigger soup can. And if it needs to be big you just trace the bottom of a bigger soup can and if it needs to be big you trace the bottom of a paint can there's not any reason to have a compass if you have a bunch of different size cans you can do a coffee can you could do a tiny little

compass is a lot more precise than tracing a can no not if you have a refrigerator specifically down to the cabinets if you have cupboards at home you find like i have this nalgene right here i could trace a circle that is that size if i needed to do one smaller i'd trace a button you can fuck off with telling me i need a compass yeah what if you need like a circle with like a radius of exactly one inch so that you can figure out what the area of that circle is but your tunic can is like two inches well that would be too big yeah i wouldn't use a tunic can i think i would use a thimble for something like that i'm saying oh or a quarter no i'd use a quarter i'd find a quarter and i would use that that's perfect a quarter is not perfect a quarter is a lot smaller than what i'm describing i'm describing

a perfect circle in the diameter of two inches a diameter oh wait you said no you said one inch you did i said radius of an inch okay fine then i'll use a half dollar i will use a half dollar and i've have had enough of you asking that's's enough. I see your wallet is filled with $2 bills and half dollars. I have a Buffalo nickel and a Sacagawea coin. You only have obscure cash that's still worth what it's worth. It's like not anything special. Yeah, 1948 penny, which is old but not good. So it's still worth a cent yeah maybe a little less because

the back is so scratched off you could you wouldn't really be able to pass this off as a true penny yeah it's been a minute since it barely worked since it came out the mint yeah and you're sucking on it like it is a mint it looks really disgusting it's not you're getting copper poisoning your teeth is a mint. It looks really disgusting. No, it's not. You're getting copper poisoning. Your teeth are turning gray. Your gums are turning green. You have gang gum.

So it's like gang green, but it's in your gums specifically. Shout out to coppers, actually. The best club. The best clurb in downtown Dublin. Yeah. They think they're still open, they they sort of took their precaution or it's like coppers doesn't give a shit about like the rules and regulations copper face jack it is temporarily closed temporarily it's gonna come back finally clean the floors after like a

decade of sticky spilled drinks drinks, semen everywhere. They're like, let's finally turn on the lights in here and give this a hard scrubbing. That would be cool. It's going to take more than one pandemic for them to scrub Copper Jacks clean. But you better believe. What percentage of Dublin got coronavirus

from one extra night at coppers i mean the entire thing is just a steamy it's a cesspool yeah yeah i can only imagine one person coughs in there and half the population of ireland has coronavirus as soon as i get my vaccine i'm going to coppers even if they're closed still um i guess i would uh no uh no no yeah not a place you're gonna wait till ireland gets the vaccine well wait till i don't i will just wait till it's open i don't know what i don't want to wait on ireland well i'm sure they'll probably do a better job than us but you know i don't want to wait on Ireland. Well, I'm sure they'll probably do a better job than us, but I don't want to wait on that. As long as I have the vaccine,

and as long as Copper's is open, I'll be there. Yeah. Even if it's just to help clean the cum off of the floor. I'll do it with a bucket and a mop. That's some wet. That's some wet. And you can pay me later. How I was saying,

it's going to be interesting to see how other countries, like, these vaccines, I hear about it on an American level, but, like, what's going on in Spain? Are they using the same Pfizer vaccine that we might? Are they developing their own shit? Are they, because I don't want them to get our shit. Like, I want their shit, but they don't deserve to get our shit. That's kind of interesting. Like, the British one, like, that one's ours.

How does that work? If we have leftover, then they can have it. Like, yeah, on an international level. Yeah, we have a ton of cash. So we'll get, we'll pay people cash for it to be here. Right? Yeah. It seems like if another country just had more money than America,

wouldn't Pfizer just be like, oh, sorry, we actually have to sell it to these guys they're paying top dollar what are you trump said it would be free he said it would be free that's exactly why we have to sell it to hispania yeah and it has to travel there in a fucking refrigerated container of negative 70 fahrenheit oops i'll figure out the i'll help them because that's i know that's like part of the the issue is that it's so hard to distribute because it's got to be refrigerated but i can just drive around with my um truck and i have like a i got one of those like old styrofoam coolers from the bodega for fourth of july close

i don't have the top to it but i do like chip ice you don't have i can make some runs don't yeah don't focus on like logistics because you're not smart enough to even i guess go to a barbecue you definitely can't you're not going to be in charge of this i don't have to be in charge of i i don't have to be in you're misconstruing what i'm saying i do not need to be in charge of the logistics i'd like to be consulted and i'd have to be in, you're misconstruing what I'm saying. I do not need to be in charge of the logistics. I'd like to be consulted and I'd like to be included. And if they want to make me the lead engineer when it comes to delivering the vaccine and they want me to be in charge of the logistics,

as you mentioned, which I'm not angling for, but I'm willing to throw my hat in the ring. If they hear what I have to say, then I'd be down for the right amount of cash otherwise I don't need

otherwise what they would use professionals that have dealt with this before otherwise they won't hire your dumb ass otherwise they'll go good luck finding another cooler because they don't sell them in the bodega not during the summer that's all I'll say good luck finding another cooler because they don't sell them at Bodega not during the summer. Okay? That's all I'll say. That's all I'll say.

Good luck finding another cooler. Good luck. Nice. Yeah. Actually, my friend does SysOps for Maersk, which is like an international shipping container. Really? Yeah, mini. And so she's like sort of angling for that lead.

SysOps for Maersk. Every time I see it. That person who does it. Every time I see it, like a shipping container, I think of that. The Maersk. You're going to need to use Maersk. Anyway. All right. This is a advice podcast after all.

It's not just about exporting, importing viral loads. It's about helping people out of their sticky, sticky, like the floret coppers situations. That's correct. Remember, I told you about my sticky situation. Oh, I told you about it on our Patreon. The what? Oh, your car sort of breaking down, every light illuminated, and that's because a rodent chewed through a wire under your hood.

Yes, that's right. Just thought I'd give you a quick little update. I think I told you that it's not covered under my warranty. And then I also, it sounds like my insurance does cover it, but they don't do it in a timely fashion and they don't give me a rental car. So I don't have rental car insurance. I don't understand where the money goes um okay so you pay for insurance something happened to your car then you have to pay to fix that and then also pay for a rental car yeah i have to pay the i mean i have to pay

the full deductible because it's going to be it costs evidently this wire just like goes all throughout my car and they have until i fix it they have to rewire the entire thing so it's gonna take two weeks no car uh and and the did i mention that this like whatever they started using whatever they started using the wire like to make the wires like apparently rodents fucking love it because it's a soy based material so like i have to not only do i have to fix it rent my own car then next like in two weeks when i get it back i have to i have to like rodent proof my car so so i can deal with toyota's fucking wires that they that they developed i guess to be rat food so the wires are technically a slim jim that connects the front of your car to the back and you have to replace that with metal or something that rats don't like to you are trained to eat insane and then to rent a car you just have to do that over thanksgiving you know

the worst time to rent a car so you have to go to a rental car place that's busy and crowded, pay top dollar for the next two weeks. $100, $200 a day in addition to everything. I guess, yeah. I think I've leaned, I've decided to just not have a car. I'm not going to do the rental thing. That's too much. It's rich too far.

Yeah, that's asking a little bit too much. That's true. And then who's supposed to know all this stuff? Like, to know what your insurance covers and whether the rats are biting through the soybean wiring. Is that stuff that you have to find out the hard way? It's, that is one of the weird things. Because like, they, to the person at Toyota and to my insurance guy, this was like nothing to them.

She called me, the Toyota person, and she's like, so bad news, a rodent chewed through your wire harness. And I was like, what? She's like, it happens a lot. I was like, well, no one told me. I could have fucking bought this spray for my engine earlier. I could have. There's these LED sonic lights that this spray for my engine earlier. I could have. There's like these like LED sonic lights that you can put down there that annoy the rodent.

I would have done this stuff in advance. Who's doing that? Because I would have liked to not have to deal with this. And then the insurance guy called me. He's like, yeah, so I heard a rodent chewed through your wire harness. Like, yes. Isn't that insane? Isn't that crazy?

No, not for me. It's sort of par for the course. It's my job as a rodent wire harness trainer to sort of see this kind of stuff hey jake how's it going i'm the rat guy yeah so um if somebody told you a year ago it's like do you want to opt into the led system so that when a rat shoots through your soy wire um you'll be covered i would have opted like yeah i'm in i would have opted in because i well i live in new york city where there's rats there's just rats all over the

place so yeah i would have i would have seen this coming if i was if there was a an insurance or a coverage that was like do you want to protect yourself from like rats chewing through your car i think i would have been like um that sounds like something that could happen or maybe i would be like why would that happen and then they would be like well we we coat the wires in soy sauce um yeah technically it's a lo mein noodle that connects your carburetor to the back what's that thing called it's like the muffler it's a type of exhaust warranty like the chain the block train the air train or something i don't know it's like a type of exhaust warranty like the chain the block train the air train or something i don't know it's like a type of warranty this covers the train that the block train block chain

yeah block train technology yeah we're not adults is the problem and when you tell an adult in your life like your father or jill's father are they like yeah i've heard of that are they like that's a weird one even for me yeah i don't like i don't know where to start and i like call and i'm talking i'm like talking to the insurance guy i'm talking to the toyota person and eventually at the end of the day i call jill and like catch her up and she me see she responds like leave me alone i'm with my family. You said you didn't want to come. Yeah, her new boyfriend FaceTimed me. Yeah, it turns out he's a mechanic, so he sort of knows about this shit. Power train.

Does that sound familiar? Power train warranty. Oh, yeah, power train, for sure. Yeah, she just texted me, like, nine times in a row, like, everything her dad is saying. Like, insurance should cover it. Are the rats nesting under the hood?ives online thing says it covers it if you have comprehensive insurance what's your deductible like just all the answers all of the words like just at at the top of his head

like i don't even know i don't think i could have said any of those things when I found out a rodent chewed through your wire harness I'm like how why did that happen how much can I pay you to get rid of it you need the wire really I'm scared of rats and mice is it a gerbil

man no I said it was a rat you're not listening to me. You're drooling. I'll put a hamster wheel under the hood. Maybe that'll fix it. Never mind. You shouldn't be driving.

You should not be driving. And then when you go to a car place, they're experts and you're not. They'll tell you literally anything. You just have to nod stupidly. They can talk circles around me and I'll have to give them cash. Yeah. And they can be like, the muffler costs $400 or they can talk circles around me and i'll have to give them cash yeah and they could be like the muffler costs 400 or they could say it costs 800 or they could say it costs 1200

you just have to say yeah yeah yeah that's true that's how much it costs that's great well all you can do though is like i i the only thing that i did learn you can't i i can never learn what things actually cost or what they do or what they are. But you can take the quote and show it to a bunch of other people. And that's where they get cagey. That's where the prices start to come down. Like, all right, well, I don't want to fix that now. I'm going to get some other quotes. Well, we could do this for this.

Well, don't talk to another expert because he'll tell you it's actually half that. So who told you about the quote thing that sort of unravels our entire business model yeah we really can't have you sharing our prices with anyone and that's the beauty of a capitalist society with competition everybody is fighting to get to the lowest price and to land on a price that's good for the supplier and the demand. And then together you figure out the fair market value of this wires that's made out of rat food for them. Yeah. The real winner right here is the rat.

Cause they're just fucking, it's, it's just rat food. Every on every single street they get, they get under that hood. It's like, Hey baby, that's soybean city.

Good for you. Yeah. Every car is a thanksgiving feast for a rat and his family in new york city oh to be a rat that's the best thing a rat king a smorgasbord the best thing to do is to eventually die and come back as a rat in new york city that you don't have to pay for jack shit. You just eat cars and old pizza boxes. I will feast. Feast upon the city.

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Jake, do you have any... Mom, I'm coming! Gross. I don't, but I think you've just made a life improvement for yourself haven't you that's right i'm currently standing up for maybe the first podcast we've ever recorded wow wow that's right do you prefer i'm no longer pod do you like this better i i think so i think it keeps me like engaged and it doesn't hurt my back because i'm standing upright when I'm sitting like invariably I'm hunched over and eventually it starts to hurt. So if I'm standing up, that's like, I'm doing good posture wise. And I feel more engaged. Yeah. Test it out. Try it out.

I feel like a radio show with, or a radio host with like a lot of energy. I'm like, I can't sit down. I just got to like stand up and talk and like sort of jog in place. And it feels a little bit more active. Yeah. It's pretty good. I, unfortunately my putting my mic fully standing, I'm still,

I have to lean over. You're hunched over. I have to hunch. Yeah. What if you hold it and stand up with it? Is the wire long enough to do that? Freddie Mercury style. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's really cool. Now it's like, yeah, we will, we will podcast. Freddie Mercury style. Yeah, that's pretty good. Oh, that's really cool. Now it's like, yeah. We will, we will podcast. And like, yeah.

So instead of rock and roll music, we're just sort of talking to nerds around the world. Instead of like, yeah, like a beautiful sea of people all moved by my music. It's me alone in my parents guest room right and like a couple hundred people in australia will download and listen to it later or something that's tight i mean that is tight shout out to australia but yeah i should i probably should have done this earlier but i'm glad i finally got it done the it's the electric standing desk too so you see how it's like lowering right

now yeah it's like okay now we can go up and what about your like when you when you're in your chair is your chair a drafting height or is it like a a regular table height chair is it it can go up and down so i i yeah i can i can sit in this stoolish chair and sort of stay at this table or i could just stand and so far i've been standing more than sitting. Damn. That is very nice. Try it out. Test it out. It might be for you.

A lot of people dislike standing desks. They think it's a farce, a hoax, an actual witch hoax actually. Yeah. I kind of prefer to sit. I like sitting. But I often, in the last two offices we've had i've had a standing desk i just mostly brought it to school height and sat down yeah well it's it's not the sitting or standing that i dislike it's the it's the posture that i had when i was sitting it never felt like i was fully upright like sometimes i would remind myself to sit up stand up straight or sit up

straight but when i'm standing it just it's naturally like that you i think you have better I was fully upright. I always felt like... Sometimes I would remind myself to stand up straight or sit up straight. But when I'm standing, it's naturally like that. I think you have better standing posture than I do. When I found myself standing at the standing desk, I would constantly just lean

both elbows onto my desk and find a way to hunch from standing. Yeah. Right. But I guess at the office, you're there for like eight hours straight and at home it's like all right you record a little you go to the kitchen you come back you work a

little you leave so it's never just like confined like an actual office that's true let me ask you this did you get the uh did you get the floor mat the cushion no i'm actually on a carpet naturally so that's so far i haven't had to have like an extra padding but yeah i understand for your feet you're gonna need like an extra layer yeah and when you walk about your house do you have a is there a slipper action or you go barefoot you socks uh socks if it's chilly like now it's a little cold but usually barefoot yeah wow. Wow. Wow. You're crying. That's cool.

That's really cool. Because you're fully crocked out, right? You need the rubber support. Yeah. Well, you know what? I think I talked about this because I think it might have been my other unsolicited at one point. But I upgraded my Crocs and Ufos to a more aesthetic slipper and a sandal. Yeah. Well, it was still the support of a Croc.

Yes. I wear rubber Birkenstocks now. I don't think they're quite as supportive as Crocs, but they do fit my feet a little bit better. So my foot doesn't like... In Birkenstocks they have, or sorry, in Crocs, this is, this is for my, this is the, this is the part of the podcast where people just tune out for five minutes while I talk about comfort footwear. But you're putting the pod back into podiatry, but yeah, continue. Crocs have the like the um the clog shape you know so your foot is a little too free inside

that pocket it comes it can come off the shoe entirely if you're walking fast yeah yeah yeah and i think some of my foot issues stem from not having like not having the support directly under my feet like i don't want my i don't want my uh foot bending too Like I don't want my foot bending too much. I don't want that metatarsal to be like fully, you know. Engaged, bent. Engaged, yeah. So yeah, I don't want it. It's unloading.

It's loading and unloading. And I just want it flat. And the Birkenstocks keep my foot closer to the foam. And I like them a lot. That's good. Have you considered, you know the, what did you have, the rolling stool? That's the thing that you couldn't put anywhere. Yeah, the saddle chair.

But like when you first broke your heel, you had one of those. Oh, it was a knee scooter. Yeah, a knee scooter. Have you considered two electrical knee scooters? That's sort of of you ride around like water skiing yeah yeah so you're water skiing around the house putting no pressure on your feet but you're like yeah it's not getting used to it in that regard having i haven't thought about it uh but it would be interesting i think in my old place where when i first fucked up my foot i used to live in

like an open like studio it was like a big loft and i didn't i was like a minimalist i had nothing i didn't have any rugs in that place so my knee scooter was a dream in there it was like i was like i was in big or something you know just like skateboarding around my house like when i had to go to the bathroom from my bed i would just scoot all the way and like one push and it was awesome and then when i got my surgery this year jill and i live in like us like a one bedroom apartment and the rooms are smaller so so i was like i couldn't have done a scooter in there you know there's too many doors you have to go in and out. Too many hallways. Tight turns. Yeah. So I don't think I would be able to do the two-knee scooters here.

But in my old place, in a different life, I would definitely be into it. Yeah. That's cool. If you get like a giant $10 million open floor plan, like the kind where the living room just opens up into the pool or something. Yeah. Oh, my God. That'd be awesome i have a ramp and i would scoot directly out onto the pool and go and launch myself into the pool yeah on the that's cool scooter that's dope yeah i would do like me scooter tricks okay oh that's really cool

so like it's like a couch but it's also a ramp yeah i would be the bucky lasik of knee scooters well this is what i'm talking about like all those tiktok influencers that live in that house like yeah fucking bel-air like we should do that like we should either infiltrate it or like get down there somehow and like introduce ourselves as like the fun-loving uncles and then we can sort of just like chill out with these hot 18 and 19 year olds dancing for cash not the way you're talking about them we are we cannot pretend we cannot infiltrate you're talking about infiltrating i'll delete this part of the pod no i'm out yeah so instead of like forming a

boy band i know like what is this i sway la stop pitching like that okay because you're in yes i'm getting on my first flight since march just so you can visit sway la yes dude that's still you still on tiktok as much as you were before same amount no less so yeah less so i've been posting less and just on the app less it's um it's sad really everybody's you did you see twitter is now starting to do like uh disposable tweets everyone's sort of trying their own little thing instagram's doing reels and yeah facebook's doing it too i think and now snapchat instagram is ruthless it's absolutely ruthless they're like snapchat's coming we'll do stories tiktok's coming snapchat instagram is ruthless it's absolutely ruthless they're like

snapchat's coming we'll do stories tiktok's coming we'll do reels it's like you're just clearly copying your competition i hate that it works very very well it is it is working it's true but all the apps are bad they're all bad my screen time is at an all-time low really you're you've been able to remove yourself from the screen more so than usual. Definitely since the election was called, I still look, but I think I was like, I had a sickness, like just look an unhealthy amount wanting to know what was like going on. Yeah. So I'm following that a lot less closely. And then deleting TikTok, looking at Instagram like once or twice a day.

It's nice. I am spending a lot less time thinking about Trump. Like, it used to be like all day, every day, he was in charge. And I was like, nervously checking to see what he said. Yep. Now it's all just like, sort of the ramblings of a madman who's going to be not president anymore. So that's nice. Yeah, it's super fun and i was like a little bit anxious even though i said i wasn't because i wanted to um uh posture some positivity but like i was a little i was a little worried he was gonna steal the election so i'm really glad

they started certifying the results and stuff that was cool yeah you're like i i always borderline rooting for him to steal it so like because it would have been so insane but then i'll see yeah and then like all my friends were like don't worry about it it's not gonna happen then i can sort of rub it in their faces too like oh really you didn't think that's gonna happen well it did so like trump lost and my fucking liberal ass friends lost so yeah double fuck all those guys so like i just want to see the world burn a little bit right yeah like i still don't want him that's why you voted for him in the first place well i voted third party so i voted for a third party not a third party candidate but having a third party you know like all the like dance parties at like

the gas station how you went to like the pool or like the park the day he lost a third right yeah you wanted that so that was the first party right and then i went to another party the next day and i and then for the third party i did something And then I went to another party the next day. And then for the third party, I did something completely different. I went to Joe Jorgensen's headquarters and I started flying drones around there until they had me tased, arrested, disposed of. They threw me in a dumpster. It was bizarre behavior. I was erratic that week. Wow.

Oh, we got an interesting question about gross pandemic sex. Yeah. Okay. All right, fine. I know we haven't gotten to any questions yet, but I figured, you know what? This is an advice show after all. Let's try to at least help one person. We need a female name who's 32 years old who's dealing with, let's call her Corona.

Corona? Corona? Yeah, that's a name, right? My Corona. Corinne.? Yeah, that's a name, right? My Corona. Corinne. Yeah, my Corona writes, Hi, I'm a 32-year-old frow writing from an undisclosed location in Europe. I just want to get the uncouth part out of the way. I've been sleeping with someone I met on an app for the past couple months.

Yes, during a pandemic. Yes, I feel guilty about it. Yes, you can judge me. But are single people supposed to stay celibate. Until this shit is over on top of everything else. So while problematic. This isn't the problem I need help with. Wow got it. She's already telling us to back off.

Alright fair. The problem is that this guy's house is a fucking mess. Repulsively so. He has shit all over his bedroom floor. He seems to use his bed as a dirty laundry basket. And don't even get me started on the kitchen and bathroom. And he has only one fucking pillow on his bed. He's a single dude in his mid-20s,

so I'm willing to overlook a bit of his mess, but this shit is next level gross. To clarify, I don't want to date this guy, but I do want to keep sleeping with him because he's very hot and very good at sex. But I also want to really want him to clean his room before I come over. Ideally get a second pillow in there. Is there any way I can make this happen without coming across like an overbearing psycho? I'm not his mother or

potential girlfriend, so telling him to clean his room seems crazy, but is there any other way? P.S. My own bedroom shares a super thin wall with my roommate, so relocating to my apartment is not an option. The pandemic means my roommate is always fucking home which means i'm never fucking home thank for your thank you for your support i think you must speak your truth i think you gotta hit them with this news really so you have to say hey hey, the sex is great, but your place is a fucking rat-infested SUV. Yeah. Maybe there's a way to ask questions like, do you ever do your laundry or something?

When's the last time you did? Like, just next time you dare. It's like truth or dare. Yeah. You just ask some needling questions. But I think you could also just come clean and be like hey, I like sleeping with you, but this is nasty. I'm sorry.

Whatever. Yeah, laundry on the bed. Unfolded wet laundry on the bed during sex. It's definitely not I feel like you could separate these two things out. Like you could definitely ask him to get another pillow. That's within your rights if you're sleeping over there a lot unless he gives you the pillow every time you sleep over because then it's like you know that's on him one pillow that's

that's some really depressing shit right there one pillow yeah i think that you can also if it helps like think about this as um being beneficial to him as well it's not like selfish to be like this guy needs to clean his room so i can sleep better it's like this guy should clean his room for future relations relationships since you don't want to date him like he'll find it easier to date if he's clean yeah so you give him like tips on your way out almost like hey exit interview this isn't yeah or you can like almost like bluff a little bit be like hey this is not working out for me the sex is great but your place is just too dirty so i think i'm gonna head out and then he could be like no wait i'll clean for you or like yeah i know that makes

sense i haven't brushed my teeth in a week so like it's pretty pretty cool you even come over at all what if first of all gross what if you what if you started inviting him over not to fuck but just to be like let's hang out at my place um because it's like cleaner and I like being there better. Because I think your place is, you don't even have to say your place is gross. But you can just be like, I want to hang out at my place because it's, like, nice and neat. It's, like, super pleasant. I'm weird like that. Yeah.

Like, I'm, let's hang out. I'm actually random. Just invite him to your place. Invite him to your place. You don't have to say why. Just like, yeah, come to my place. He tries to make a move. You're like my roommate's home we shouldn't have sex and then he's like why did you invite me over it's like oh your place is gross you know and he'll be like

gross i never thought of it like that is it the wet laundry or the fact that i don't really brush or pick up my after myself in the bathroom or kitchen. Do you think the people that live a lot, a nasty lifestyle, like are aware that it's nasty and they don't care or do they not think about it? Or they're like, they just don't place a value on being clean and they're like, it's fine.

Or they think they're clean and like even their mess is not messy. I think it's the thing where you walk into a room and it's like you smell the smell. But if you've been in that room for 12 hours, you don't really smell it anymore. So you get used to a stink or you get used to an aesthetic or you get used to a mess where it doesn't like jar you because you're so used to seeing it. So I bet this guy's like, yeah, it's a little messy around here, but it's not that bad. But if you come from a clean place to his place, it's like, holy shit.

Startlingly messy. It's like being able to sit in the smell of your own fart. You're like, I'm not gross. This came from me. I can't be gross. How bad can it be? But then it was in my colon, and now it's in my nose.

That's fine. A closed loop. Yeah. What if somebody else farted near me? That's disgusting. It's savage. It's gross. This person deserves to clean after himself.

What if she starts cleaning? I don't think that's fair. But you can, I guess I did this with my college roommate. Like you don't have to actually clean, but you can tidy in a way that makes him aware that it's like not good for you. You know, like take, take all of the laundry and be like,

I don't want to sleep on all of your dirty clothes and just like put them in the corner. You don't have to, you don't have to like do his laundry. You don't have to like clean or fold anything. But if you just kick all of the mess from one spot to another to get it out of your way, that's like,

that's an indicator that he should clean. And also it's like kind of, it's a, it's a stopgap solution. Yeah. for now. But I guess the slippery slope there is if it's like, all right, you did that. Now it's like, all right, let me just also use this toilet brush

and get rid of the grime around your toilet bowl. And also, okay, there's some rust on your sink. Actually, do you have any gloves? I brought Clorox, but I really shouldn't be inhaling this powder. You can offer, if it's important to you, you can offer to help him clean, to give it a little reset, and that'll probably take, I bet it took a couple months for him to get it to this point. So maybe you do a little reset.

You start fresh. You're like, hey, let's do quarantine cleaning. Wouldn't that be a fun activity? You get the part back to a hundo and then let it slowly decay over time but maybe by then uh the vaccine's out you can go and date somebody else or what if you sort of like see how much you can push him before he cleans the place so like the place is fucking gross but if you're like hold on a second i have to go to the bathroom actually whatever who gives a shit right I'm all for this mess.

And you just pop a squat near his bed and start taking a dump on the floor and be like, what? Who gives a shit about mess? Am I right? Is he going to be like, oh my God, that's awesome. Should we throw out your pillow? I don't even know. I don't even know why we need one.

I don't mind sleeping on the mattress. One cold flat pillow. The worst pillow. It's not bad. It's not a bad idea. I could actually get behind that one. Yeah, so either clean up or push him into a mess so deep that he has to clean his way out of it.

I like that. Or be willing to walk away, have an honest conversation with him. Be like, I would like to continue doing this, but you need to do this. That is a pure heart rule. He'll make his decision accordingly. All right. One question,

but you know what? We packed a lot into this episode. We discussed the highs and lows of rats, standing desks, and we actually answered. Yeah. Stickiness. Both the floors and the situation. standing desks and copper face jacks yeah stickiness both the floors and the situation but if you have your own questions or your own

theme songs send everything down to if I were you show at gmail.com and if you want more of us talking to each other we're watching our videos our old Jake and Amir videos on our patreon every week patreon.com slash JA,

and we're even doing video AMAs on there as well. Correct. Answering your holiday questions this month. So check that out. The closing theme song is just the continuation. This guy, Joe Crow, so talented, sent us a two-minute theme song, so we only played the first minute of it at the top.

We're going to play the last minute of it as the closing. So thank you to Joe Crow. Thanks to you guys for listening. And as always, we'll be back next week. Woo! Ciao, everybody. If your apartment's farting makes you physically sick, well, you can't decide if you should buy a WhatsApp pic.

But give your semi-pro advice to get you out of that sitch. And if it turns out that it was you who's the sleaze, I'll put you on blast and put the most displeased. But you don't care, cause you just wanted to seize the cheese. If I were you, if I were you It's the greatest advice podcast hosted by these two dudes So let Jake and the Mary tell your life And they will surely free you of strife

If I were you, yes, dude, you'd know it's true If I were you, if I were you, it's the greatest podcast in the world, hosted by these dudes. So let Jake and them hear it to your life, and that's on you to break up with your wife. If I were you, yes, don't you know it's true? If I were you.

That was a Hiddem original.