Segments - 465: Physical Therapy (w/ Mystery Guest!)

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

In this episode we discuss turning 30, grandparent gifts, and Disney songs. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one.

In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Listen up, everybody.

These are the guys who sees the cheese. He sees the cheese. Listen up, everybody. Now is the time to seize the cheese. He sees the chipmunk, please. Chipmunk, please. Do I buy a car with my friend's dad? I'm from the USA, but I'm voting for rice. It's cool, it's cool.

Jake wins the Golden Life and Demir the Turdy. Listen up, everybody. These are the guys who seize the cheese. Seize, seize the cheese. Listen up, everybody. Now is the time to seize the cheese. Seize, seize the cheese. Far where you show.

That was really nice. A new take on an old classic. Yeah. Thank you for that. That was a remix of a remix. So I said it, Stoney remixed it, and then this guy did a remake of the remix. Right.

A PG version. This one, you can listen to it with the youngins, which is nice. Yeah, that's good. It's a tune that the kids deserve to hear, but the lyrics are lewd inappropriate um sexually irresponsible and charged the uh the original one was about i don't know if it's really not pg rated but it is about um ben blowing you so that's like if you're not pg related yeah yeah that's pg that's way beyond pg rated yeah for sure yeah it's like pg-13 or some shit like

pg-13 is like the hint of sex and like a kiss with tongue or something this was like a fucking on-screen blowjob okay this was nc-17 shit we basically we borderline made a snuff film yeah so yeah it's probably our suggested our content yeah for sure it should be removed from youtube that's you could say about half of our videos actually i asked for it to be removed and a lawyer from like some viewer in wisconsin i guess representing a family of christians said that uh they had to keep it up for the time being that they were going to be using it uh against us in a court of law or some shit like that i don't know i stopped sort of stopped paying attention i guess w... Wisconsin Christianites? Yeah, I guess they're Mennonites, he said, that moved from Amish country, Pennsylvania, to Wisconsin,

and they were going to sue us. And they're quite litigious, as it were. Yeah, they were Amish. They combed through YouTube. Yeah, they were litigious and Presbyterian, they said. And so, for whatever reason, the video and the song had to stay up damn yeah they don't like electricity but they love litigation yeah so they'll go to court as long as it's daytime on the day in the day yeah he says hello amir i hope your day is spectacular tariffs not only

impose immense economic costs but also fail to achieve their primary policy, aims and foster political dysfunction along the way. So, yeah, thanks for reading that, is what he said. What? Yeah, I guess he's anti-tariff or something like that. And he wanted to get that message out there. So he's kind of like a libertarian, you think? Yeah, he's kind of like a libertarian meets Presbyterian meets librarian meets Amish.

Amish Mennonite. Yes. Actually, hold on one second. Speaking of Milkman. How are we doing, guys? How are we feeling? Oh, my God. Welcome to the show, Ben.

No way. Happy birthday to you. No way. It's not. It's way too early or late it's not no way dear patrick cat oh my god it's pat's you are my sunshine. Sunshine, my only sunshine. We happy. Happy. The skies are gray. I'm going to kick him out.

You'll never know, dear. No, dear. I'm a fellow. I love you. You take my Patrick away, away, away, away in a manger. I want to live something new. I love it. It's nothing new.

It's all you do. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I muted him but that was uh moana yeah i really got there late too interesting oh he unmuted okay he unmuted yeah that's okay yeah hey guys so good to be on the show. What a pleasure. Well, two interesting coincidences. One is we were, somebody made a Milkman theme song and we were playing it, Ben, as you texted me asking to be invited to the room. That's not true. Yeah, it is true.

So it's like, it felt like I set it up cosmically, but it was just a weird coincidence. And the other weird coincidence... You texted me just moments ago about playing a video game, maybe 20 minutes ago, and then you said I had to record this podcast. Yeah, but unrelated to the theme song. The theme song just happened to have been about your character. And then secondly, it is Patrick Castle's birthday soon. I know that because him and my mom share the same birthday,

which is the day after Christmas. So that joke... Yeah, that's right. So that joke also kind of worked so two crazy things right off the bat i'm gonna have to exit the podcast and come back in a cool 10 is that cool yeah uh sure i mean we didn't ask you to come same length work yes same length same length yeah yes all right he's gone what he's gone insane that was so fast uh all right let's try to answer some questions.

He said exit the podcast. Come back in 10 minutes. He's just going to come back in 10 minutes. Now we're inconveniencing him somehow. It's a good thing I was recording too. That could have all been lost. All right. Anyway, focusing here. We have to answer some questions because I know when he comes back, he won't let us.

So we got to get them in now. Let's get into it. This is After All in Advice Show. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us i'm amir i am jake uh let's see here recently writes a 22 year old man from toronto a 22 year old man from toronto we'll call him pascal siakam who's a 20 something year old man from toronto recently i've been trying to decide between applying for physical therapy school or chiropractor school. I was wondering if the two of you

could share your experiences and opinions on either of the two professionals. So, I don't have much insight about chiropractors versus physical therapists, but you've been to both, have you not? As well as acupuncturists. I've tried them all. Yeah, I've tried them all. And then do you have high regards for one of the professions versus the other? You know, I guess maybe physical therapists over chiropractor.

But I have only, I basically have had two experiences with chiropractors, both of which where it feels like they're about to murder me. And like one of them, this dude like kind of set me up with like an electronic muscle relaxing machine and then left the room for 25 minutes. So it felt really weird to pay him $200. Yeah. Because he kind of just like put me on a machine and left, you know? For whatever reason, yeah, chiropractors seemingly have like a negative view in society. Like they almost are like half snake oil sales salesman. It's like used car salesman.

There's some good ones, but then it's like you hear these horror stories about the others right which i guess is like i mean it's kind of like any profession really yeah but for whatever like you hear about chiropractors like oh don't go to this chiropractor he's actually like a quack or like it's not real or what he does isn't sanctioned or legal or good in some sort of official medical capacity. Right. Because all their, at least in my experience, all the chiropractor really did was, like, give me a very satisfying, like, crack in my back. Yeah.

Which was nice. But, like, yeah. Streeter can do that. Yeah. Sometimes Streeter would do that at work. You have a loved one walk across your back, and it's kind of the same thing yeah um but then i also know people that have like that swear by a chiropractor that's like

yeah they worked on me for six months and like made it so my pelvis is uh like you know a perpendicular now instead of like curved or whatever yeah so it's very hard to know who's actually doing a good job versus not and it's such like a sensitive part of your body your back but i do think like i think that all like alignment and all of that stuff comes down to like core strength and i think that building strength and muscle is more about um it's it's more about the like the physical therapy aspect than the chiropr than the chiropractor. The chiropractor feels like a quick fix. Like, can you snap your fingers and I'm better?

And the physical therapist sounds like, teach me the exercises. Teach me to fish. I want to... It takes more work, but I think that physical therapy is the one that actually works. You can do all of it in tandem if you're just talking about making yourself feel better. But this guy who's talking about which one do I do, I think you want to do the tried and true method,

the one where you can really make a difference over time, not snap somebody's neck like you're James Bond and have them walk out and be like, I think I feel better, you know? Yeah, the public opinion of chiropractors is that it's a pseudoscience and physical therapy is like, oh, I go to my doctor for physical therapy or he prescribes me physical therapy. It seems like more science-based and professional athletes do physical therapy. You rarely hear about LeBron James going to a chiropractor. I think that like just in terms of which job I'd rather have, it feels like meeting different people that have had different types of like injuries or things that they're coming back from, things that they're working on.

It's more interesting to be a physical therapist, like giving somebody an exercise regimen, like talking to them, getting to know them, making it like it like you know very specific to the individual versus like i feel like a chiropractor most of the time is like my hip hurts my ass hurts my neck hurts and you're just like okay let me massage this for like 10 minutes in a sweaty little room it doesn't seem as cool yeah you don't want to tell people that you're a chiropractor in a sweaty room cracking backs but you do want to say that i'm a physical therapist cracking wise yeah physical therapy i feel like i've been to and like big open gyms where they've got like the treadmills they've got the tables they've got the weight station they have a pool it's a little more like sleek than the chiropractors offices i've been to have always been like in in a industrial mall or like a basement or something and they're yeah tiny and

weird yeah like basketball players go to physical therapists and like uncles go to chiropractors everybody's uncle has been to a chiropractor. Yeah. You should really, you should focus on basketball players, not uncles, if you're talking about your career. Yeah. Nobody who has a sibling who has a child would go to a fucking physical therapist. They're all about the chiropractors.

Yeah. Like, LeBron's not an uncle. You know what I mean? He's not unk to anyone. Is he not an uncle? Yeah, because he's an only child. And I don't know if Savannah has any siblings. Right. Yeah. He could not an uncle yeah because he's an only child and i don't know if savannah has any siblings right yeah he could be an uncle he could still be an uncle if savannah has siblings he's

an uncle in like a cool way how like people like yeah call me uncle like to like brawny's friends you know like he's uncle lebron or aunt like savannah you know but like he's not an actual uncle like me you're oh you're saying you got one up on LeBron. I mean, I don't even want to say one is better than the other. He's got rings. He's got the foundation, the production company, the shoe, the jersey, the cash, the riches, the fame, the honor. He's friends with Obama. But he's not an uncle.

But he doesn't have a niece. He doesn't have a niece. He really doesn't have a niece. And't have a niece he really doesn't you have fucking two i have three nieces yeah three i have three nieces but you don't have a nephew you know i don't have enough you don't have a nephew actually yeah you know that actually you know who has a niece and a nephew ben yeah oh my god no no no chance yeah kidding me oh playing copywritten music his camera's off moana i love this song what what a amir shut the fuck up for one second let you hear what a huge nuisance this is i really i the Moana soundtrack. No video and just a copywritten song

you can barely use. You're ruining this. Can't believe you just ruined it. What do you want me to do? Play uncut Disney songs in the middle of the podcast? You're sorry to Jake for that? For how I act?

It's been a long time since I heard the Moana soundtrack. Was it even a Moana? It would have made you happy. I heard the Moana soundtrack. Was it even in Moana? It's fine. I get it. It would have made you happy. It was making me happy. I was very happy. Oh, man.

Guys, fuck. Did you hear about FDR? What happened? Huh? Holy. That was 100 years ago. Who gives a shit? No, my man. No, my man man i'm talking about franklin delanor a different guy what's his last name delano what's his last name delanor what nor

roosevelt so full full name is the same not quite differently and delanor jake got it god jake got it because he listens moana so this is a new guy named franklin delanor roosevelt and he just got polio the coconut consider the coconut consider the tree oh my man jake how are you buddy good to see you back good to see you too beautiful i miss you the hell is happening this sucks patreon or is this regular stuff this is regular up tomorrow hardcore podcast action and you're not actually that you're not recording we should put this behind we should put this behind a paywall if we have schwarzer if we got the benny schwarzer let's put like so i'll play a bunch of my favorite disney tracks no no we can't do that we can't

do that put it in the vault this is let's do. It's even more illegal if we charge to hear the copyright music. If it's free, then maybe we can get away with it. But to say that we're putting Disney songs behind the paywall, yeah. Nice. What is that? What movie is from? Taleson? What the fuck is this?

Quiet. I can't hear the song. That's fine. You're not supposed to be able to hear the song. You're talking over it. I can't listen. You can't play it. I can't hear the song.'s fine you're not supposed to be able to hear this you're talking over it i can't play it can't hear the song here comes here comes i don't know this song is the fucking goof troop or some shit some that's correct it is the goof troop you're not like you're an asshole you knew it from the i love the goof troop i need the goof troop. I need the goof troop. It's a goofy troop. Ben, we were talking about being an uncle.

You have a niece and a nephew, right? How's that? I do. I am an uncle. I'm an uncle twice over. Is Amir an uncle once over because he has three nieces? Ben has three kids? No.

My oldest brother has two and Ben has one. I don't think I've ever met your oldest brother. That's okay. Well, I've met all of Jake's siblings, right? That's fine. Is it Sarah, Micah? Yep. Is that all?

No, then there's three others. Who you also met? Then there's Rachel. I don't know if you met Rachel. There's Eliza. I believe you met Eliza. Oh my God, all of your, which reminds me of a song, but all of your... We cannot play a song um we cannot play a song

we cannot play all of your uh the names that you named are from the bible no it's not from a musical it's from the bible it's not there's not a musical about the bible it's the actual i can't hear definitely not from fucking hamilton yeah micah is from hamilton yeah who's micah they're all very they're old who's hannah who's hannah and hamilton grew up to be a hero and a scholar why can't i do that do what let's play music all the time yeah we have to like you can do that we play original music that like our fans make to intro and outro. I did. I changed the words to Micah.

You're playing off your fucking iPad a song that Disney owns. Disney owns all those songs. The Goofy movie, the Hamilton. Oh, that's not an iPad, Jakey. He knows it's not an iPad. Yeah. Does Ben have enormous hands that that looked like an iPad?

That's so funny, Jake. Not really. That's so fucking funny. Ben's hands are so big that that was an iPad and it looked like a phone. You look great, by the way. Stand up for me. You look fantastic. Really? so fucking funny. Ben's hands are so big that was an iPad and it looked like a phone. You look great, by the way. Stand up for me. You look fantastic.

Really? Me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. You look good. How can you tell? He's wearing a sweatshirt.

He's wearing a sweatshirt. Oh, he's not. It's not even a full turn. He's mic'd and he's wearing a wire. I can't really turn. Exactly, right? Yeah, you couldn't turn. He couldn't turn.

What did he do? Is there a video component to this or is it just audio? I'm recording it because you sort of ambushed it. So like I am recording the video and the audio, but it'll only be released as an audio. So the songs that you're playing, like that'll be on the show. Unless we do something visual,

in which case we'll have to post this somewhere. Okay. Yeah. Well, what were we talking about? I'd love to be a part of the podcast for the last, how many seconds are left? There's 25 minutes. All right. i can give you a tight five definitely all right we were talking about being an uncle and uh okay yeah we'll take it yeah how i was

an uncle and lebron james is an uncle and jake do you have any are you uh an uncle no i'm i have no nieces or nephews your family doesn't believe in children right my parents believed in them we had there's six of them hell yeah dude hell yeah yeah no none of us can fucking get pregnant or late i guess hell yeah dude i love this conversation why it's nice it's weird it's invasive and amir what do you do i can't imagine you with kids what do you do with kids amir yeah i'm playful with my nieces they all seem to like me i I'm like a fun uncle. I come in, I make jokes, I laugh, I give them gifts. It's like a fun relationship.

Do you talk about your gambling thing, or what do you talk about with them? Talk about my gambling? What gambling thing? I don't have a gambling thing. You have a gambling problem. You have a little bit of an issue. You gamble quite a bit. I don't have an issue.

I don't have a problem. I talk about football, and I try to pick their brains about which teams are going to win, but I don't think I have a problem or an issue. I talk to my nieces about gambling. Yeah, that's you trying I don't think I have a problem or an issue. I talk to my niece about it. Yeah, that's you trying to, that's you trying to. Do you ever put money on the teams that they guess? Yes. So earlier today, one of my nieces said,

hammer the Vikings minus seven and a half, and I put her bar mitzvah money on it, and she lost. That's insane. That's cash that she won't get. She lost? You put up $314? No, no, no. I ended up giving her close to $2 close to 2500 but that money's gone now

because the vikings didn't cover and she gets that so like that's money that she owes me through my brother so like it's money that i gave to her and she wanted to let it ride i said i can double or nothing if the vikings cover they ended up kicking a field goal in overtime they didn't cover they lost that money's mine now my brother's stonewalling me he'll paypal me half because he feels bad for me but he won't give me the other half because he says 13-year-old girls can't gamble. And you were saying I have a gambling problem? He has a gambling problem. He has a gambling problem. He's raising a degenerate. He's not paying her debt. What's that? Right. The problem is that she's not paying her debt. That's the problem. She's not paying her debt to me, yes. The gambling problem.

But I have to pay the debt because the bookie doesn't think that i'm a 13 year old girl like he's not gonna take it easy on me what shows you watching jake me oh i'm in uh middle of the second season of dark on netflix what's dark german german uh like dark dark by the name okay it's like a a thriller it's a sure sci-fi thriller sure it's really good very good one of the best shows i've ever seen you pitch it really well yeah i i apologize i wasn't ready amir never asked me these kind of questions he doesn't ask questions yes i do he asked me if the vikings are going to cover no no i talked about lots of stuff all he does do you guys give yourself birthday gifts do you give each other we used to when we saw each other not anymore so now without this isn't a bit i'm gonna ask jake and i'm gonna ask amir jake and i don't even want a bit i want a real one jake what's the

truly what's the best birthday gift amir has ever gotten you don't lie uh we actually we talked about this recently the most thoughtful gift he ever gave me was a was a really nice pen is that true it's the most thoughtful one i think it was really thoughtful he really put himself in a mirror without doing a bit what's the most what's your favorite gift that jake ever gave you i took a fleshlight out of his apartment once and he said keep the change what the fuck i was i gave a real answer he gave me a dusty ass pocket pussy and like i had to pay for that and it was used i had to wash it and i had to use it and that was my fucking half birthday gift that year yeah you did not have to use it by the way

well now we're eskimo brothers you get to use it uh best gift that he's he got me god what you got me a big baller brand shirt where the bees were bitcoin symbols that was pretty thoughtful i still wear that to sleep sometimes that's right i like that that's good yeah um what else have you gotten me through the years um running shorts once, I think. Through the years you never got to give. I got you some running shorts one time. You got me a Yankees t-shirt that said 27 rings. That's got rings on it. That's what it was.

This is nice. Isn't this nice? Yeah. You're kind of putting us on the spot. Yeah, it's nice. I'll pay money to the Patreon, right? This is not a Patreon. This is just a regular podcast episode. We might as well put this on the Patreon if Ben's on it we should just it's you can't do that you can't just like that you cannot do that we can't just at the last second i love that idea yeah i absolutely love of course you love it because you have no fucking clue how this shit is run you don't get anything

you just jump in you're not recording yourself and i have to pick up the pieces like a fucking cartoon italian chef who's catching meatballs out of the air i'm the one who's gonna have to pick up the pieces like a fucking cartoon Italian chef who's catching meatballs out of the air I'm the one who's gonna have to edit this I'm the one who's gonna have to do the work what's happening in this situation that is like you fucking yeah you you slam it to the kitchen and like the waiter is like oh shit it blows up in the air right and I'm like the fucking Italian chef was trying to like catch it all serving you got like 20 the chef is trying to catch the meat yeah the waiter would be the chef yeah the waiter's like the meatballs are already prepared so i'm holding two plates yeah i'm holding two plates of spaghetti and i'm like cat you know like catching them before they hit the ground are there meatballs

in it or just spaghetti man it makes no sense no my plates have spaghetti he was carrying the meatball so i catch him like oh my god before they hit the ground let me catch him in the plates with the spaghetti on it and then suddenly it's like i didn't order spaghetti and meatballs but that's like a bonus now especially considering those meatballs yeah congrats on your last episode thank you which one i'm psyched that you guys pushed through and got this far ahead what number is this it feels like infinity what number is this one yeah 460 something does oh my god what are we gonna do with the 500th um what should we do yeah live show cancel it everybody would want that to be the last one i think i don't think so 500 for

it to be over yeah you got to concentrate on jake's dungeons and dragons thing anyway i have to concentrate on it i have to concentrate putting more ad space behind it it's the hit of the century yeah but i'm not in charge of that shit that has nothing to do with you could do more behind the scenes for it what are you talking about yeah what if you got an ipod and did behind the scenes on it yeah what are you talking about if i got an ipod and did behind the scenes on it? Yeah. What are you talking about? If I got an iPod and did it behind the scenes on it, that means nothing. That's nothing. That's nonsense.

What the hell are you talking about? A Zune then. A Zune then. Whatever, dude. Who cares? Why are we having this conversation? This is old news. Just get a Zune.

Get to 500, get a Zune, and get the fuck out of here. I need to concentrate on not another D&D, baby. Go for it. Thank you. Concentrate on it. Don't let me stop you. And the fact that I get an iPod or a Zune shouldn't bother you. It shouldn't affect anything.

Zune. Okay, a Zune. A Zune. Jesus Christ. Get a Zune, man. Nice. That's not a phrase. That's not a thing.

No, that's not a thing. That's not a reference to anything. Get a that's not a thing no that's not a thing that's not a reference to anything that's don't say we can't use that we can't use that people use it all the time full songs like that let me play other songs that you guys can tell you what movies they're from all right we gotta we gotta take a break and then maybe you could do the music game during the intermission so that we don't air this part. But we'll be back on the other side of these messages. Bye, everybody.

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So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. in general, but I still have a fan of gambling enough.

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Ben played 21 copywritten songs for us in full during the... Okay, he's still going. Here we go. Nice. Oh, yeah. Bare Ne going. Here we go. Nice. Oh, yeah. Bare Necessities. Jungle Book. Blue.

Very cool. Sort of a name that tune now. Yeah, that's good. Are you okay? Anyway, I'm here to... I'm not really surprising. I'm coming on this show because Amir wanted me to say that the show is ending after 500. I didn't say that.

No way. That was your idea. Awesome run. A lot of people are wondering what's going to happen on the next because Amir wanted me to say that the show is ending after 500. I didn't say that. No way. That was your idea. Awesome run. A lot of people are wondering what's going to happen on the next D&D, so this is going to kind of turn into like a talking D&D podcast. You know like how they have those like Talking Walking Dead and Talking whatever. Yeah. That's cool. Oh, this is going to be like

a podcast about the Dungeons and Dragons podcast. To recap the last Dungeons and Dragons podcast. Amir's going to be hosting it. Jake will be there. I think they already do that on their Patreon, I think. Yeah, we do that on our Patreon. But we might as well have a... We could do one with you and I here. Well, what about talking about the Patreons talking about the Dungeons & Dragons?

That'd be perfect. So Amir would have to subscribe to my D&D Patreon. So you have to pay the money, Amir, to understand what you're about to talk about. And then I what? I recap their recap episode? No, that's such a waste of time. I'll guest every once in a while. You're not even on the show with me?

No, Amir, this is yours. Ben said I have to concentrate on the D&D podcast. It's going to be if I were a review of a Patreon D&D of a regular Not Another D&D podcast

podcast. That works. No, it doesn't. That was so long and meandering. Can you even repeat what you said? You said it works. Yeah, sure. If I were a recap of a Patreon D&D of a Not Another D&D podcast

podcast. I'm an improviser. I try to remember the things that everybody say. I remember what you said. You got rings, and it was a t-shirt that said, got rings. And then your gift, Amir, that you gave Jake that you really liked was a pen. That was pretty impressive and stuff like that. Do you remember anything about me? When's my birthday?

What month is my birthday in? Your birthday? Amir, anything about me. How old am I? Do you remember where he got his credenza? Where did I get my credenza? I literally said the name of the store. Pier 1.

Oh, my God. All right, Ben, we need a 30-year-old man's name. And is it an ordinary name or no? Yeah, just the name you want to give the person. Quick, off the cuff. We rarely even mention the name. Chatter. Why don't we just say. Chatter, C-H-A-D-D-E-R, Chatter Cuzzleworth.

C-U-Z-Z-L-E-W-O-R-T-H. It's not required that you spell it. Well, just so you understand what I said. Repeat it back to me. Chattle Cuzzleworth? Chatter. Chazzle. You just said that you've memorized everything.

You said Chatter, spelled it out, and then less than 10 seconds later you forgot. All right, here we go. Ready? It doesn't matter. chazzle you just you just said that you've memorized everything you said chatter spelled it out and then less than 10 seconds later you forgot yeah all right here we go ready it doesn't matter that's it's okay it's all right all right ready yeah well not both true to be our guest that's okay all right good job that's awesome thank you you for that. Did you mute him again? No, I didn't mute him. He just sort of, he felt bad. All right, ready? I feel bad. Chatter Cuzzleworth writes, I just turned 30 a couple days ago and it is quite a milestone. I've been thinking about trying to set self-improvement goals now that I'm as old as dirt. What goals did you guys set for yourself back then? If you set any goals at all,

I'm thinking about stuff like learn a new language or start investing portfolio. I don't know. Thanks, boys. Been tuning in since episode six. Wow. All right. That's cool.

Advice for somebody who just turned 30. Is there stuff that you did in your 30s that you didn't do in your 20s? Yeah. So I remember when I turned 30, we were in the middle of filming the Jake and Amir pilot, which Ben was kind enough to guest star in. Wow. We also launched HeadGum that week.

And Jillian moved from New York to Los Angeles. So I had a major milestone of a 30th birthday. My long distance girlfriend moved to Los Angeles, shot a pilot and started our podcast network. Jesus. And that was all the same time. Were those all goals that you put to yourself or they just happened to all happen right when you turned 30? Those were all goals. I achieved all the goals.

And if you haven't, if you are not achieving four or more goals on your 30th birthday, then you fucked up. Four or more goals? What a weird, arbitrary four. If you're not achieving four goals on your birthday. No, no, four more. Can I answer that question with a question? Sure. What's this?

What's this? There's carpet everywhere. What's this? There's white things in the air. What's this? I can't believe my eyes. I must be dreaming. Wake up, Jack. This isn't fair. Wake up, Jack. Is it Wake Up Jack? It's the Nightmare Before Christmas? That's correct.

I'm going to answer any question you guys ask me with a Disney song. Yeah, it seems like they're going to be unrelated. That's not it. Don't think you're... We did. It says, what goals should I accomplish now that I'm turning 30? And then you played, what's this? There's magic everywhere.

That was him asking you to repeat the question. That was him asking you to repeat the question. I've been thinking about self-improvement goals. Now that he's turning 30, what should he do? What are the goals that someone should have? What are the goals that someone should have? Yeah.

It's never going to be the lyrics of a song. It could be like, what happened when you, do you have any stories about you turning 30? Any anecdotes about you turning 30? Like, what happened when you turned 30? Did you do anything specific? He muted himself. He's muted himself, and he's looking for a song. Of course. I'll answer.

Let me answer, because I feel bad about saying that you had to have four more goals. You don't. All of my goals were an accident. But I do think that when you're 30, it's a good time to start thinking about, I feel like 20, I just like pissed away everything. You know, I never tried to save any money. Yeah. So I think when I was 30, I started trying to save money for the first time.

So you tried doing that. That's pretty good. Yeah. Investing. And it's easier to invest now than it was when we were turning 30 because there's apps dedicated to just storing a few dollars away every other week and then seeing it add up and putting it in mutual funds, cryptocurrency, whatever the fuck. I think also you have to think about, even when you're 30,

that life is kind of repeating. It's born anew. And when you really think about it, it's kind of circular. It's kind of like uh circular it's kind of like right guys so what do you mean yeah what do you mean by that i didn't think about it like that i want to know what you mean what do i mean yeah what do you mean because he asked for advice about what he should do when he turns 30, and you played Circle of Life, and you acted like you had fucking hit a home run. So explain yourself.

Yeah. What do you mean that life is a circle for him? What are you talking about? I just explained. You know you didn't. You said it's kind of like a circle. So what else is up with you guys? What?

What? The hell? What else is up? You bum rushed this episode you've played copywritten music over every answer you didn't even ask us what was up with us originally and you said so what else is up with you guys so what else is up with us i guess what else is up with us is that we have to record the rest of the show. That's what else is up with us. Can I be honest? It seems like you're a little sour and you could use something. Yeah, I can use something. I can use anything. Yeah, a song, of course.

A little bit of sugar helps the medicine go down. The medicine go down. The medicine go down. All right, this is pretty good. Oh, he's getting into it, actually. Who knew he was a poppin set you can't dab to Mary Poppins we just had to play his tune

we're back baby I didn't fucking know Mary Poppins was Disney yes Jake do you remember when you came to me in full confidence saying that you wanted to leave Amir for a better partner and it was like 10 years ago and you said if I don't do it now I'm worried that I i'm gonna be trapped in the same podcast for the rest of my goddamn life and you said if it ever gets to 500 remind me to cancel this shit i remember yeah i do remember that i remember you said you said don't tie your cart to that horse yes i said a dead horse i said

don't cart don't tie your cart to a dead horse or else you're gonna have two metaphors you mix them up yeah you mix them up you said two different metaphors don't beat a dead horse no and don't put the cart before the horse no don't tie your cart to a dead horse then you gotta pull both the cart and the horse and that's what i've been doing for a decade it feels and so tell people right now what you told me yeah that you just did you just said remember what I said to you in confidence we're recording this whole thing Amir what are you gonna do

I don't know cause this is all fucking news to me you're an agent of chaos you came on the show you not only ruined this episode but you stopped

the fucking we'll be the last episode of this podcast as you know it after that I have my own what's the most fucked up about all this is that Ben doesn't seem

phased at all. Why would I be? It's the right decision. I can't believe it took so long. Can I be honest? What's up, Ben? Yeah. Can I be absolutely honest? Is it another song? You know what this is going to open up for you, Jake? What?

What? Amir's like the Jafar. I had to kick him out. I had to kick him out. Did you kick Ben out? I think hell bent on us never getting to that last question. Like it was deep in his resolve. I had to use the nuclear option i had to i had to say remove ben from the zoom wow he's gotten too much yeah it's

over now i don't know what to tell you he hasn't texted me yet but he's not gonna be no yeah like happy about how that went down i don't think sorry about that yeah i feel weird i feel weird of course you should of course you should yeah i feel like discord was sewn i don't know if i should take any blame for it but you were so easily swayed the way he came in and then like no i and i need this show i need this podcast now you say that you acted completely differently when he was here i think i'm sorry yeah he came back i'd probably yeah you would probably back in a zip to the other side again i don't that's really honest of you i kind of fucked up yeah i think for you i should see someone so i because my self-worth is tied with being in complete agreement to whoever nearest to me at the moment right um and i don't know why i don't know why i don't know why it was

ben and not me for that for that few like 20 minute chunk that he sort of hijacked the show totally i don't know why i don't know what happened but now i'm sort of back in reality and i need this show all right let's try to answer one last question in case like the diehards like hey you guys didn't get to more than one question oh right a 21 year old girl from kansas who we'll call dorothy because she is in kansas anymore dorothy writes each year for christmas my grandma sends me and my siblings each a check for a hundred dollars um as our gift since she lives in arizona um and we don't typically do the holidays with her. This has worked out for me while I've

been in college because I typically don't work the months that we are on break from school. This year, however, she has decided that she really does not want to do checks and she wants to do gifts. My mom has asked, try to tell her that we don't really want presents, but she doesn't sound happy. I know we are lucky to get anything at all from her, but I really do not need or want anything this year besides cash, as I will not be working for two months due to my college combining with all the breaks into winter break for COVID. Is there any way for me to not be a bitch while I ask for that sweet, sweet dough, or do I stay quiet and hope there's a gift receipt that i can return for some grocery

money thanks for your help love dorothy um yes stay quiet you she needs that cash no you don't yeah i need i need the gift card oh that's good ask for a gift card you need you need to be a good person to your grandmother okay yeah and there's nothing ask for a gift card you need to be a you need you need to be a good person to your grandmother okay yeah and there's nothing to have a lot of time left and there's nothing more good than saying you know it get me an amazon gift card i'm winking no and then there's nothing that's really perfect when it comes to grandparents it's really it's just whatever they want whatever they want actually that is it okay give me this no old lady's fucking email because i bet i can be like i'm your long lost whatever the fuck and then suddenly i'm getting cash from her i'm

getting the gifts and i'm flipping them for even for a bigger profit like if it's like a still in the box you ask for like a basketball card and she doesn't know what it's worth and then you wait for a few weeks and then you flip the shit do you see how much you sound like a mere blumenfeld here and that's exactly why you need to not not go down this path by the way ben uh emailed me and asked me to play this for you guys yeah pretty cool not really i guess that's about me actually i think it's about me and ben that's awesome um so i actually i guess i do quit as long as that's it at one mp3 or youtube link yeah that's awesome.

Really? You got a friend in me. You got a friend in me, Ben. Yeah, you got a friend in me. And then to me, it's you got a friend in me. Yeah, because he is a friend slash enemy. Yeah, you've got a friend in me. All right, I guess you can't ask your grandma for cash.

You have to accept whatever gift she gives you. Tis the season yada yada but no one's gonna stop don't beat a gift horse in the mouth that's right you can sell that fucking gift she doesn't need to know even if it's a personalized quilt that she made you throw that shit on fucking etsy and flip it for cash there's a way to get cash for goods don't worry about that um all right. That's it. That's our time. Is there anything we didn't get to?

Unsolicited? We can just go through it. I didn't have anything pressing. Did you? No, neither did I. No, not at all. All right. For more, if I were you, for more content, you can always check out our Patreon, which is patreon.com slash JA.

That opening theme song was written by Tariff Guy. Remember Tariff Guy, the guy who did the Milkman video that seemed to summon Ben to begin with? And then this closing song is a Lil Wayne parody. Yeah. Okay. By Nabil Ashraf. All right, very cool. Yeah, he says uh love you guys love the show

seize the cheese and enjoy this fire intro all right toe dot to you hell yeah thanks nabil thanks to you guys for listening oh yeah the email address if you have your own questions or theme songs is if i read your show at gmail.com we We'll be back next week. Stay home. Stay healthy. Most of all. Stay safe. Bye, everybody. Bye.

You got a friend of me. Yeah. Uh-huh. Life too tough and you don't know what to do. Email if I were you. Show at gmail.com. What to do Email if I were you Shoe at T-Mail dot com They'll help you with Your problems

Oh who These Jews Take in a mirror Mirror mirror Make everything clear Clear clear If you don't have a clue What you need to do, email if I were you.

Take an amir and make everything clear. If you don't have a clue of what you need to do, email if I were you. That was a Hidgum Original.