Segments - 467: Staying Warm

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

In this episode we discuss calling friends, vacuuming floors, and drinking wine.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia.

You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish.

You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad.

Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Girl caught me jerking, Jesus I need guidance, am I twisted? Selfish, horny, or just stupid? Twas a bit that didn't happen Shot my load

into a napkin Deviant whatever you'll call that shit I forgot she loves this podcast too yeah she does if you were her would you donk me or would you think this intro is funny

either way i am out of napkins if i were you show starts now yes dude well yes anthem part two the number one track off of take off your pants and jacket very nice so very very nice that was andy powers and yeah day one he says um this was his first time recording anything or everything by himself and it is is indeed based on Anthem Part 2 off of Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, if you didn't know. Huge. I don't really have anything to promote, but I'd like to give a shout out to my girlfriend, Cassie Rose. You're a dime, baby girl.

And also, if you could remind your listeners to check on their friends, holidays are hitting different for everyone this time of year. Wow. That's very nice of him. And actually, wait till my unsolicited advice comes up. Okay, that's going to hit different. It's actually thematically tied to that shit. Yeah.

I see you sent it to me earlier. It's jerk off into a paper towel instead of toilet paper. I can't understand how that has anything to do. If we're fucked up, you're too blamed. Yeah, dude. Love and appreciate the good vibrations. All the best, Andy P. So thanks, Andy.

What is Anthem Part 2? There's an Anthem Part 1. Oh, you're drinking. I didn't realize that you have a red wine. Wow. I'm enjoying a glass of red with the pod today well i wonder if this will change anything i mean this is this is sort of a new you you brought up the fact that you've been trying to get into wine and now you're that's right drinking it on the pod on mike a nice a nice

glass of wine it's very to you as well when you're drinking a gatorade Zero. I don't know. Glacier cherry. Actually less healthy than the alcohol that I'm consuming. I'm actually pretty fucked up myself as well. I can imagine. You mix that with vodka, right? Look at that. All right, so smell it for us. Try to describe that wine for us.

Let's see. Okay. This is actually, it's a 2016. I believe it is a fuck me i think it's cabernet okay i think it's cabernet i'm getting uh okay oak leather twine yeah your feet are on fire i think that's it i'm almost like a burnt like a burnt canvas or a burnt rubber or something my feet are tied up and they're on fire bone flesh almost like a fleshy bony and then has it how's it on the tongue how's the mouth feel the mouth feel it's definitely dry it's a it's making

me pucker a little bit let Let me get another swig here. Take your time. Really take your time with it, though. Well, it's really hard at first not to taste anything except the taste of the way that rubbing alcohol smells, which is like, you know, that's the alcohol part of it. Yeah. Because it's really overpowering to me still. It's good, but it does just taste like alcohol. Alcohol, yeah. There's a hint of cherry.

There's a hint of cherry. I'll say that. A hint of lime and a hint of cherry, but mostly, yeah. And some oak. That's grape juice and vodka, it seems like, from what I can see. Have you ever, instead of putting it in your... That's a full-bodied red. It's a full-bodied red. It's a full-bodied red.

You could put it in your nose or your ass even to see if it's like really dry with the tannins. Putting it in your ass, that hits different. That's actually, let's not get to it now, but I have unsolicited about that. The mouth feel and the ass feel. The ingle feel, it's almost like it's really wet down there and i feel like have you ever used a bidet but it's filled with wine instead of water that's talk about the pucker tell you what you know real dry real dry up there uh yes anyway shout out to casey rose uh he loves you he totally yeah and that's coming from us as well we all we all have we're a

quadruple with you so thank you so much anthem part one or anthem as it was called on the 1999 ep enema of the state i believe it was track number five but don't quote me on that um it's kind of just about how like you know the youth we're we're want to party we're um a bunch of maybe some lost causes we're just trying to have a good time um but you know don't don't blame us for having fun because actually it's like you're the ones mom and dad who are getting divorced and fighting and making us play sports when we don't want to so when we rebel rebel, whose fault is that really? And Anthem Part 2 is really just... Similar themes, right? It harkens back.

Don't make us play sports. A lot of it is just don't make me play sports, in a way. If you just strip down... Don't make me play sports. My crush doesn't like me. I hate you, Dad. That's what it all boils down to. Yeah, Mr. Hoppus and Mrs. DeLong.

This whole album is sort of a fuck you to them, in a way. Anthem part one and anthem part two. And especially Stay Together for the Kids. Is that a song or an album? That's a song. I believe it's also off Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. And that's just about a couple that stayed together, even though they're fighting all the time, and fuck you, Dad?

I think it was a couple that got divorced. And I guess the song maybe wanted them to stay together which is interesting because as i when i when you're younger you i feel like you want your parents to stay together when they get divorced but as i've gotten older when i hear about people getting divorces i'm like good that sounds like it's for the best a hard decision was made you're actively trying to divorce between your mom and your dad, it seems like. And you don't have to choose a side, by the way. Like, you don't have to say, like, you prefer one side or the other. I'm just saying.

I guess the divorce is one way to look at it. But, like, my mom should just dump him. Like, you can't even call that a divorce because it sounds like an amicable split. But, like, it can't be amicable if he doesn't even deserve her in the first place. Yeah, I was going to say, it doesn't matter what side you're on. You'll obviously love them both equally. I'm on my mom's side. Yes, but...

Love them both equally. No. Fat chance. I mean, there's no proof of it. You can just say that and then think whatever you want this is just to make your dad feel that i love my mom the most i know i was trying to like sort of set you up to be like like an adult about it being like i know you guys are like adults about it and i love you both equally but this is why would i be why would i need to be nice to my dad he's a duffel

bag not really he's actually very nice he's a carry-on he's really nice to you he gave you that wine he gave you that one he bought me a 2016 soft cob yeah okay cob cob cob cob a soft cob a soft and young cabernet imagine i don't even make those. Having a SovCob and CozCob. So it's you and two others going triple Dutch on a fucking bottle of red. Specifically in CozCob. Yeah. And that sounds good to me. All right. We're back.

This is If I Were You, an advice podcast. Frankly, the only one on the web hosted by us. True. I'm Jake. And we are post Hanukkah pre-christmas this is the sweet spot this is when shit gets real winter has want there was a snowstorm in new york it's oh yeah there's still right snow still on the ground snow still on the ground i feel like this didn't happen to us last year like we had such crazy weather last year that it would snow but

then it would be like 60 the next day and it was i never i i have not dealt with the like snow still on the sidewalk shit that i'm dealing with right now since moving back yeah i really don't think i have i we have not had a crazy crazy winter is it is it supposed to stay is it getting warm is it going to start raining is it what's the deal let me see actually i haven't looked at the weather it it was below freezing all weekend so did you have to shovel did you have to scrape ice like you haven't had a car on the east coast in a while have you dealt with that um by the way it looks like it's gonna warm up so i think we're we're good but yeah i had to shovel um what did i do i had to i shoveled um like my parents porch um and then my car was also

completely buried uh i like took out i brought out like 14 inches of snow wow like i had to shovel my car like shovel the snow off of my car like off the windshield right off the windshield off the hood off the windows um as much as i could get off the roof because you're not supposed to drive with like a big mound of snow um but yeah it's crazy have you thought about pouring hot flour onto the car sort of melting the snow off you heat up a bag you heat up a bag of flour and you take it outside and you dump it on the snow right and as it settles on the snow prank or hot flour no try it try hot flour and try no putting a little put a little hot

tea in your ass too so or the car on the windshield how will that help my car i'm saying when you're out because when you're out there shoveling you're cold right yeah a little so 90 of the heat comes out i see you're wearing a beanie from your ass yeah yeah a little so 90 of the heat comes out i see you're wearing a beanie from your ass yeah not your head that's 10 the last 10 goes up yeah out of your head because i do have like i've thick socks and boots on my feet gloves on my hands and a beanie on my head and yeah there's a lot so a lot of the heat's escaping from my ass yeah because if you think about it like when you fart right yeah when fart, that's heat coming out of your ass, right? No, that's true.

Yeah, I feel that. Yeah. As the heat comes out, cold air is coming in to push the heat out of your ass. And so if you put a little tea in there, a little teacup in there, and you put like two, do you have little sugar cubes? I do. I just can't imagine that if I, do you want me to? Trust me, take like, what's that if I, if you want me to trust me,

take like a, like what's that? The little dropper that you use to apply ear medicine. Almost like you take a little drop. Yeah. A little eyedropper. Exactly. Yeah.

Fill it up with the hot, hot Earl gray tea and sit on it, sit on it, shove that entire thing up your ass. And then two little sugar, two little, I want you to put two little brown sugar cubes up there, too. Okay.

Next time I go outside or like... No, let's do it right now on the video. I want to see you do it. I guarantee you won't be cold until March. You'll get... I mean, you've lived in LA for like 10 years. Do you really... Do you feel like you have like good tips for staying warm?

Yeah. It's like a tropical climate, basically. Yeah. No, but I was also in new york so i was like looking up for life hacks to keep me warm because i'm sort of that was something you used to do yeah i used to sit on a eardropper filled with earl gray or decaf if it was getting late and then a little steel ramekin of half and half you just added that i already had the sugar cubes in my ass i have the ear dropper in my ass and steel ramekin of fucking cream

half in your ass half out that's why it's called that a little one of those steel that's usually cool that's usually a little chillier it usually is but once it's yeah it'll be in there and then it'll be warm up from your body heat okay maybe i'll do it during the break i'll save that for unsolicited so just just know that that's the universe that i will be giving my a lot of relevant good stuff coming up for unsolicited yeah oh we actually got some real questions too in addition to our unsolicited advice oh all right nice um here's a fun one since it's you know the gift giving season and we sort of have spoken about our troubles finding gifts for people uh this person will call him uh rudolph writes i'm terrible at giving gifts absolutely awful and with the holidays coming up I want to give my new girlfriend something great

since she is annoyingly amazing. I'm considering either making her a large terrarium aquarium or buying her one of those USB MIDI keyboards to make music. I wondered, is it better to make a gift or buy a more expensive gift? Or should I do both and eat less fast food in january thank you love rudolph interesting those are okay three good options uh the third one way another left less uh fast food in january that's one of the options yeah if he does both yeah okay um

yeah i think that like making something is definitely more, more thoughtful. It sounds nicer, it sounds better, but also like more expensive is probably cooler, right? than like a grade A effort because usually the things that we can make as humans are not as good as the ones that are being made in a factory somewhere because they're the experts. That's like making a terrarium. That's kind of a cool, you made a terrarium in your living room. Yeah, but then the dolphin got angry about it

and the whole thing started cracking and spilling and it ended up getting water everywhere and I had to hose, you remember She water everywhere. And I had to hose... You remember She-Ra, so I had to hose her down, trying to keep her alive. And by the time nautical aid got to me, she had passed in my living room. Well, that's because you had put an eyedropper of tea in her little blowhole. I was trying to save the bitch. Who are you?

Who are you? All right, all right, let's relax. Suddenly I'm being accused of dolphin abuse, like it's high school all over again. Abuse, dolphin murder, not abuse. I bought that fish. She repassed, you said, right? I bought her.

So it's not exactly dolphin abuse. She was my property, and I did what I had to do to keep her alive, and I failed. I didn't build the terrarium to code or to snuff. You know, I told you you had the right to remain silent, sir. I'm just trying to paint the picture here, because i feel like i'm getting the third degree anyway which is worth the silent treatment uh yeah building an aquarium seems nearly impossible really what do you buy glass and fucking weld metal oh wait no but really you but you built that terrarium in your living room was it it like that? You had like a glass thing?

No, I did not build anything. You assembled something. I hung up a glass planter. Yeah. So I wouldn't say that I assembled a terrarium as much as I did put a glass spherical, like one of those orbs, empty orbs, and I filled it with dirt, and I put a plant in it. I guess I think that if you can, like, cobble something together with, like,

made elements that is, like, a thoughtful, a thoughtful, like, montage or collage of cool stuff that, like, ends up being something she wants. Like a terrarium like a glass tank with some cool plants in it or something that sounds like a cool gift to me

yeah that's true i i recently fucked up my own gift giving so i feel like i'm in i'm not the person to talk about how to gift things wisely i kind of how did how so what did you do it was a series of unfortunate mistakes coupled with things that were out of how did how so what did you do it was a series of unfortunate mistakes coupled with things that were out of my control and it just things went from bad to worse basically i asked my niece what she wanted for hanukkah she recommended uh like a sweatshirt sweatpants combo a sweatsuit of sorts she says she's a child large or an adult small okay i can do that i go on to various websites i end up ordering something from old navy it gets there it's a child small so she can't wear it it's too small i'm like all right fuck i think i fucked up i'll make it right i will buy you a new sweatshirt sweatsuit

combo again i'm gonna get child's large or adult small this time i got tripped up and you know what i'm gonna throw in masks fun kids masks that she can wear outside it's like it makes you look like various animals cool last night of Hanukkah I pay for overnight shipping very expensive it finally gets there just the masks though not the sweatshirt sweatsuit no that's still being quote processed which doesn't mean anything yeah so you got someone like a COVID gift for a holiday that's right also she can't wear the masks she says the kids masks are too small for her so basically i got her the wrong thing to rectify it i paid premium to get the good thing the good thing never showed up instead what showed up was a bonus thing that

she also couldn't wear so as of now she has five articles of clothing that are too small and the one that's actually good for her is being processed in a warehouse somewhere near her. So, yeah. You're going to have to buy her something more expensive now, too. How about a bracelet? I have to up the ante. Another sweatsuit, new masks, and then you're going to have to toss in a bracelet or a necklace. I feel like I keep digging myself a deeper and deeper hole.

And let's get it over. Let's get it same-day shipping if you can handle that. I tried the other day same-day shipping, and it's currently still in a warehouse somewhere. I don't know why. Also, I guess there was a mall shooting in an Old Navy in the Bay Area. Good Lord. I don't know if I had anything to do with that but this whole thing is reeking of bad karma i don't know what this whole gift thing is cursed for me for whatever

because that yeah now you kind of have to ruin her holiday by just being like sorry there was a shooting at the mall yeah so i can't get it but i'll fucking buff right now i'm depressed yeah it's funny because jill is talking to me right now bless her soul she bought she bought me a christmas present what we usually do is i buy her something for hanukkah she buys me something for christmas and um i guess whatever she bought me has been like sitting in a in like a postage facility somewhere um so she kind of just yells at me every couple days about, like, how it's not going to get here. She's pissed. But I'm like, I don't know what, like, now I'm stressed out.

So is this supposed to be a gift? Is this a gift? Because we're all just anxious now about this gift. Yeah, everybody's mad about everything. And then there's more pressure on the gift, because when it arrives, it's been a long process to get the gift. And then suddenly you have the gift. And what if it's too small? my standards are sky high for this thing if i i'm gonna my first thing because i bet she's gonna like take the price tag off it whatever but i'll just google it i'll find out exactly how much it

costs that's cool and then i'll weight that against what i bought her um and then what did you get her uh the coupon for the free massage thing yeah which is technically i bought it for her last year um but i said it got lost in the mail so i saved on that obviously so that's you know over two years but um for the coupon for the coupon for the massage coupon yeah i got a i got her an iou one massage coupon but i had to but mike is the one that's going to give it to her so i had to pay extra for that weird what am i a masseuse i don't think so i don't have the time yeah i was not about the time it's about it's kind of like owing her a fun little sexy favor you know just

like giving a massage sexy yeah what are you talking about? Massage. My brother and my wife? I don't think so. I think sexy about that. In fact, in the fine print of the coupon is me in the room watching the whole thing to make sure it's copacetic above board. All right, that's enough. Your gift wasn't that good. You don't deserve the back scratcher, too. Yeah, and if the massage looks really good, then Mike is going to have to give me one too. That's the other thing.

That's a twofer, man. You have the option. You have that right. All right. Let's take a break. Answer some more questions on the other. Wait, did we tell this guy what to do? Buy or make?

I'm a buyer. You say buyer. I say make. So it sounds like we're saying both and no fast food. You can't go wrong. You can't go wrong with not eating fast food. Yeah, that stacks with like a New Year's resolution of not eating as much fast food, which is fine. All right, cool.

Let us know how it goes. Send us a picture of that aquarium slash terrarium. We want to see it. Oh, yeah. And we'll be back after these messages. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey, oh, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post game stats. I want to know which wide outscored more than two tutties, which QB

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did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying

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but do you have any? Oh, let's do it. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. yes yes i do shout out to nick rad who gave me the gift of uh of doing this for me and now i'm passing it on okay to the population large. He called me, just gave me a call. I had a missed call from Nick Rad. And I was like, I hope everything's okay. Called him back. He was like, hey, I just wanted to give you a call. I'm a call guy now.

And I was like, that's great. And I sat down and I just talked on the phone for like 40 minutes to my good friend, Nick. And it was awesome. Unplanned. What were you going to do with that 40 minutes to my good friend nick and it was awesome unplanned you said what were you going to do with that 40 minutes it seems like you he just caught you at the right minute yeah he caught me at a perfect time i had just um it was like i think it was the end of the day on friday or thursday maybe like four or five p.m i was about to take a shower and go downstairs and eat dinner. And instead, yeah, I mean, I was like, literally just going to go hang out downstairs. So I hung out upstairs and I

chatted to Nick for 40 minutes. That's good. That's a very holiday chic gift is reconnecting with someone because you probably used to talk to him every day. And then the shutdown happened and there are people that you haven't seen or spoke to in a year and i think that there's something weird about like just screen faces now because we see people's faces on screens so much it's like such a part of our work in school and it's like it's not exactly like a pleasant experience you know when lockdown first started and we had like i like i did like a zoom with my family and i was like oh this is so fun i've never ever like seen all of you guys all at the same time on a computer like this this is novel and now it's just like i do that all the time so i i'm not like looking forward

to just catching up with a friend over facetime for 40 minutes It like feels like my entire day. So you prefer the phone call to the Zoom call? Yeah, a phoner. It's so novel. It's so nice. And I like, I also just like held my phone to my ear. So I didn't have a screen to look at. It was just like looking at the ceiling, talking to my friend. I highly recommend calling your friends and just talking on the phone. Wow. And then so have you done this outwardly or is this something that you just accepted yeah no this is only so far it's only incoming it's only been incoming it's happened three days ago two days ago so let's uh let's try it let's do it right now call call somebody i'll pick up your phone and let's see. We're in the middle of a podcast. It would be nice to catch up.

Who's like the second person under the M in your phone? Let's call that person up and see how they're doing. It's somebody named Madison 62. I feel like that's somebody from a bar. Oh, from Ashley Madison? No. No, not from Ashley Madison. What? Isn't that because that's the 62nd person you matched with on ashley madison isn't that way no it's not what's the next one go to

the next name ashley madison 63 right yeah obviously uh yeah call that person up even if it's just an old landlord or somebody that you put in your phone to pick up lumber one time. It's good to reconnect with that person. Yeah. Specifically over a podcast. For sure. Okay, that's good advice. I saw that on TikTok, actually.

Gary Vaynerchuk said to do it, and then he did it. And then they showed like a one-minute clip of a conversation he had with a high school buddy of his that he hasn't spoken to in like 13 years wow that's kind of cool yeah good for v great for v and it was it's funny because like that guy that guy's probably like damn gary you're so cool now holy shit what are you up to oh you know lots of stuff tiktok mostly making content for instagram etc he's got to uh all right let's see uh what other question we got here's a good one a cleaning conundrum oh i love cleaning conundrums okay we'll call this person mr clean cool every weekend my and I, we've been living together for a year now, do our usual housework. One such chore is, of course, vacuuming and dusting. This is where our problem rears its ugly head.

Somehow, non-verbally, we've established that I'm the designated vacuumer and she's the designated duster. That's fine by me. In fact, I prefer it that way. But week after week, once all of our housework is done, a thin layer of dust, keyword, can be found carpeting the surface of our baseboard heaters. Here lies the crux of our sticky feud. You'll see these heaters remind me of an old street near my childhood home that was essentially a collection of moon crater potholes surrounded by traces of usable road. This street drew a border between two municipalities, let's call them Dustville and Vacuum Town, and for years, neither municipality wanted to pay for the upkeep. If my analogy isn't clear enough, there's a dispute as to whether cleaning the top of the heaters is the responsibility of the vacuumer or the duster. It should be noted that my vacuum head is rather clunky and doesn't clean the top of the heater as well, even if I try.

It sounds like we know what side he's on. All that said, I think while working up a sweat moving furniture around trying to get every nook and cranny of the floor, the mayor of Dustville has the moral responsibility of tending to the surface of our baseboard heaters. I need your input on how the love of my life and I can come to an agreement about this, this, this, this, this, this toxic conundrum of ours. What side are you on and why is it mine?

Thank you. Love, Mr. Clean. You know, I do believe that the top of the heater needs to be dusted. It can't be vacuumed. I'm not saying that I take his... What is a baseboard heater? Is that like the accordion thing? Yeah, it's like a tiny little metal like square uh like vent at it goes all along the base of the floor i see so you've seen those before

right yeah that's not the like the metal accordion thing that makes dinging noises no that's a radiator a baseboard heater is like a slightly more modern one. They're like four or five inches tall. They run the entire length of the room. Oh, interesting. And okay, and you've had to dust and or vacuum it before? Yeah, I mean, you have to clean it. Otherwise, it'll collect dust, but it can't be vacuumed. That's nonsensical. You can't vacuum it. I don't think that it's his girlfriend's responsibility like the the tasks don't have to be i'm the duster you're the vacuumer this needs to be dusted it's kind of like you dusted everything i vacuumed everything this this like extra thing needs to be dealt with maybe they both dust that but it does need to be dusted it can't be vacuumed i would think also vacuuming is the easier task like overall isn't it i don't know it's definitely physically cumbersome moving

furniture to get to carpeting and then like if you have an older vacuum shout out to my light dyson not everybody has that if you have an older heavier vacuum and you have to move furniture it's vacuum dependent for sure but like if i'm holding the cordless dyson which i also have that dyson goat yeah then i i don't then vacuuming is honestly a joy yeah dusting is less wet dusting is less fun because you're actually dealing with dust. Like, it makes me a little claustrophobic and, like, allergic and makes my nose run a little bit. Yeah, I think it's a worse task. So being like, oh, you're not done dusting. You have extra stuff to dust. Duster isn't fair.

But I think that, as I've said many times, the vent needs to be dusted. It can't be vacuumed. Yeah. And also, if it's a long smooth strip it's kind of cathartic to dust that till you just do like a thick one swoop situation yeah so i mean be the bigger person and you just take on that extra dusting you vacuumed and you also dust and then you'll have that moral high ground always you know yeah and then you sort of bring it up in passive aggressive ways like yeah i guess i did a little bit of your job and you didn't do any of mine so yeah you're like you know you're you made a big bowl of pasta and you serve some to you you serve some to her and then you get you say oh and a

little extra for the guy that did the vacuuming and the dusting right it's just a bowl of dust yeah i prefer to eat the dust sleeping in bed at night like you get i you know i actually i think i get the uh i get i get the whole comforter you know i get a little more blankets because I do two jobs. You're steaming hot underneath there. You've recently attempted to go Roomba, have you not? Yeah, I have an off-brand Roomba called the Eufy. Okay. And the Eufy does, you know, the Eufy uh does you know the eufy does fine the eufy is it's it's not it's it's not a replacement

for the vacuum it's sort of just like it subsidizes the vacuuming that's it yeah but are let's say you vacuum once every two to four weeks if you get the eufy are you vacuuming still once every two to four weeks you just have don't have to do it as hard or you're doing it like every other time? I think I vacuum every two weeks regardless. But like the in-between stage doesn't look nearly as bad. See, that's not worth it to me. Like I'm not hiring a fucking robot to do my job and then I still have to do the job. It's like there's no point hiring the robot.

Now I have to oversee this fucking thing. Okay. You're yelling at me. I have to micromanage this fucking, this toy that you got. I didn't get you a Roomba, okay? Really? But it's on my Amazon wishlist. It's on my OnlyFans.

But I did get, so I got my Yuffie as a wedding gift. I wouldn't have bought it for myself. But when you're registering for wedding gifts, you know, you could just click whatever. You're like, oh, this is a, I think Jill and I put like three vacuums on our registry because we're just like, fuck it, you know? Yeah.

Oh, I see here. Yeah, 11 vacuums. All vacuums. It's all vacuums. This had to have been a misprint. But behind you, I see a row of 21 fucking what are you like a vacuum repair person i meant to keep my video off you're a vacuum delivery man or some shit mr hoover uh so you recommend or don't recommend the uh the oofy slash and or uma. If you can really casually get it as a gift, I recommend it.

Yeah. But I wouldn't spend my own money on it. No. It's kind of interesting. It's kind of like having a pet. Like, sometimes the Yuffie will just bounce around the apartment and Jill and I will watch it and be like, oh, look how stupid it is. That's fun. It's stuck in the bathroom.

Yuffie, come here, Yuffie. Gunshot. Yuffie, no. What have the bathroom. Yuffie, come here, Yuffie. Gunshot. Yuffie, no! What have you done, Yuffie? Don't ever believe me, Yuffie. You framed me, Yuffie. Yuffie framed me, Yuffie. It wasn't me, I swear. Alright, so dust in addition to vacuum i'm sorry that's just gonna have to go although it is a little weird that the lady does not want to dust well she's dusting she's dusting everything else she's dusting the why why not that dusting the shelves the electronics the tv

i guess she's thinking that like i don't't dust the floor. She thinks that the, that the vent, the baseboard heater is part of the floor, an extension of the floor, which I do get, you know, you're, you're like your job as vacuum person is window sills and below, like I'll dust the window sills, but everything below, like all the dirt below this line, that's on you. So I think it is on like that's more that's that i think that's an more equal split actually like there should yeah i'm wondering if there should be like the actual space of the room if you can almost vacuum seal an entire home like we live in the future i should be able to press a button and then all the that all like the dust

sort of gets like when you open the fucking door of an airplane that kind of shit in like wood shops and stuff they have that there's like a vacuum that's like attached to the wall and you like sweep stuff into this thing that's just like sucking all of the stuff all of the dust up yeah and that's how i used to vacuum when I had, you know, when I had that loft, like, in 2012. Yeah. And I didn't have any rugs, and I would just sweep everything into a corner and then just vacuum the corner. It was really, really effective. Yeah.

So if, like, an entire house can almost tilt or something. Tilting, that'd be ideal. Yeah. tilt or something tilting that'd be ideal yeah if you can build a house almost like on a thing almost ideally you can lift it up entirely 180 let all the dust like fall out of the chimney yeah almost like a bully holding a nerd upside down the baseboard heaters themselves could be the vacuums that would be cool so air hot air comes in right but also vacuum sucks out. Yeah, sucks it all in. That's really good.

That's actually, I'm going to cut this part out because I'm going to try to scheme up something. I'm going to mock something up, actually. So you're going to, so what you're saying is you're going to steal this idea from me and try to, that's what you said, cut this out, right? It's like one of those you know they say like oh your idea works in a vacuum like no no my idea is the fucking vacuum

you know what i mean yeah i think you should leave this in just because like i the likelihood of you being able to pull it off is so i could pull it off it's easy it's easy yeah what's the first step what's first what's step number one to turning a baseboard heating unit into a vacuum you by the way by the way i described to you what a baseboard heater was technically a really good idea yeah baseboard heater works too so basically like it's almost like a space heater but a vacuum you know what i mean no what no i don't i actually i had this weird little mini amnesia moment for a second i'm gonna have to listen back to myself because i don't even remember what the fuck we've been talking about it was so random of me i just it's like when

you're falling asleep and you're having these weird micro dreams yeah that was so weird i don't remember the first half of this podcast i think we're talking about bacon at one point no i don't think we were at the beginning of this podcast you told me to put tea in my ass yes yeah that sounds totally familiar why did i show in a fugue state i don't know why you said that this whole show worked in a vacuum oh that's it that's exactly right uh all right let's still don't know what you're doing you just remembered what you said oh here's one one final question from a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Let's go Badgers. Am I right?

All right. We'll call this lady a Badger. Bridget. Bridget. Bridget the Badger writes, I'm a sophomore at UW-Madison. Next year, I'm living with four of my very best friends. But the problem is I kind of sort of have a huge crush on one of the boys. And I think he may like me back.

Okay, so we met freshman year in a class, and one thing led to another, and we were hooking up. That stopped, and we went AWOL for a minute. He went AWOL for a minute, and months later, we linked up again and became best of friends. This was all good and fine until my current roommates decided to get that boy and his friend to live with us next year. I know that we can't be together, but last week we were drunk and cuddled all night he has been joking about doing that all time all the time next year when we live together and i know from your previous episodes that platonic cuddling does not exist so how the hell are we supposed to act when the flirting is constant and we're supposed to be college roommates next year help my brothers and i have watched and listened to you for years

thank you love bridget the badger ooze oh okay yeah you're fucked definitely a cuddle buddy cuddling is more intimate than any like hooking up at all like cuddling they already have hooked up so like to go from fucking to a wall to cuddling it's like the intimacy is a is a ride you were like casual fuck buddies so it's like oh there's like the chemistry there's the spark yeah then like physical wall so there's some drama there's like the distance that that gives you that like sense of intrigue and wonder and like what are we and then the cuddle comes back the cuddle is like that i need you that emotional shit yeah like damn um and then tap it all off with the fucking with the roommates the roommates and it's like we shouldn't we can't this is a bad

idea game over it's game over there's nothing we can say or do that will stop this from being the most fucked situation of your entire college career but it'll start i guess we can tell her what's going to happen it'll start great yeah you'll have no notes through september october whenever yeah the beginning of the school i'm like it's gonna be going great living with my fuck buddy he's fun he's cool he's funny we cuddle it's perfect i love all my roommates my friends and then i also get to like have sex with my crush yeah and then like one time you come back home from the bar and he's like swiping on tinder with like other friends and you're like that's funny but like whatever we never said what we were and he can do it you're

just my roommate i know that's why it's funny i might get the fucking app too or whatever so then she gets a little offended or maybe it's the other way around she's swiping and he gets a little offended and then one thing leads to another and then the other person brings somebody else home and it's like oh don't pretend like i didn't want that but you didn't want to give it to me shut the fuck up they're in the other room i know i'm sorry but i fucking live here too i don't care i don't have to be quiet whoa awkward and this is like day four bridget you ruined the friend group cut now we all have to break our lease cut to nine years later you guys are married with four fucking kids.

You don't remember any of that happening because it was a blip in the grand scheme of things. From the cuddling to the engagement to the kids, it's over. What a fucking roller coaster. But suddenly, you start getting the seven-year itch. What? She wants to see other people, you know, casually at first. first hey what but that's no big deal maybe i can just keep it homosexual on the side pieces what the fuck are you talking about almost you saw me kiss a girl once at a bar and you said it turned you on that was before we had fucking three kids. What the fuck are you talking about?

Mama. Shut up. You do not have my son. You do not have my fucking son. What's going on here? Nothing. Nothing. Go back to your room.

The roommates are still there. They never moved out. They never moved out. They never moved out. Holy shit, Bridget. Why are we still 21 and you're like 43 or some shit? How did that happen? How did you guys age 20 years? Are you going to class today? Class?

I'm 102. I've lived a full life this semester. No, I'm sure it'll be fine. You guys are going to do great. Yeah. No, it's going to be good. Don't worry. Let us know. Let us know. Let us know. Let us know. That's good because it's snowing outside now. Very nice. Enjoy the ride. Is there anything to stop? Do you stop it before it's happening?

Do you just enjoy it? Let it happen, go with the flow? Yeah, I think that there's something nice about doing some crazy shit in college and getting yourself into sticky-ass situations that you wish didn't happen, but in the end, you'll be looking back and being like, that was funny, that was crazy, what a time. Yeah, you're a college sophomore. This is when these things are supposed to happen we've all been through it you'll get over it if it does happen enjoy the living

situation living with five friends that's exciting what's the most amount of people you lived with oh um it's i think only ever honestly only i think only three i don't think i've ever had very many roommates yeah me me amanda, and Dave was the most people. Oh, and me and Jeff and Cohen. Yeah, but three. Always three. What about you? Same.

I had an opportunity to, in college the last year, eight of my friends got a house and moved into it. And I was like, it'd be fun to hang out there, but I don't think I want to be there. So I just stayed in an apartment nearby yeah that's that and were you right was it fun to go there and seemed like it would be a lot to live there no it's probably would have been fun to live there too but i did spend enough time there that i probably should have just moved in but i was i'm always so lazy against moving like ah it's not worth moving i'll just keep my stuff here and i might be misremembering i think i wanted now that i think about i think i wanted to move in and they were

like maybe no you can't not they wouldn't let you not now or something like that they're like why do you why do you even want to live and like you're right i'll just come by a lot instead it was like a threat i was like all right if you're not going to let me live here, you can't kick me out. This was when you were in R.A., right? Yeah. They weren't even my friends, honestly. It was like a fucking dude and his seven friends. This was at UCLA two years ago. Yeah. I said, why don't you let Uncle Amir move in here?

All dust, all vacuum. Actually, this was Jeffrey James at USC, right? Yeah. You tried to join his frat when you were 32. Lonely and Horny Season 3 is me trying to join a frat for the entire season wow we did write an episode where you were at a frat party we never got to film it that's something we should read on our patreon actually man imagine a frat party right now the most dangerous corona environment of all yeah jesus 400 college kids in a steamy house sharing jungle juice out of a toilet. Passing a hookah pipe back and forth.

Yeah, pretty much. Oops. All right. That's it. That's our episode. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. If you actually want to watch us, we are doing weekly videos on our patreon still at patreon.com slash

ja yeah that's right so it's like what you're doing now which is listening to the show but you get to see us too which is kind of a bonus yeah even better a good gift too if there's like a fan in your life you can gift them that patreon that way it's like oh shit two days till christmas i don't know what to give this person. Boom, give the gift of patronage. Yeah, because that comes with like, what is it, two years of videos? Yeah, I got hundreds of videos at this point on the back end. It's a large library. And that's always good.

Like a gift that you can use on Christmas Day. Because that's a boring ass day after you've opened the presents. Yeah. I could watch our shitty videos. Instead of demanding more gifts, you can just enjoy the gifts that you already have and you know what hey cheers i'll drink to that too cheers that wine glass has gotten more full over the course this wine went bad i've been throwing up a little bit every time i see that i've been storing at a really weird temperature i've been storing it in a bathtub your temperature. I've been storing it in a bathtub.

Your cup runneth over in a way. Do you remember who wrote the opening theme song, the Blink-182? It was... God, his name was... Tucker? No. Andy.

Andy P. Andy. Yep, Andy. That's right. And this closing one is an abstract version of a theme song where you can

also find his music on SoundCloud, Abstract Shine, and his digital art, Abstract Dot Shine. So that's sort of set your mind to that kind of mood as I press play. And as always, of course, we'll be back next week. Thank you for listening.

Happy holidays. Stay home, stay safe, and we'll see you soon. Later. You gotta be shitting me with this. This is not how I wanted to start my day. She ate two other dogs and bit a bunch of people. What show is this? I'm starting to think I shouldn't have even brought Rotem into work.

What show is this? Who the fuck is Rotem? That's the name of the pup. If I were you, I'd beard her that day. Why do you think everything happens to you in silentry? Well, there's two coy juices. Beat was DJ Shmooshmoo. Welcome to If I Were You.

This show can tend to get crude. These dudes will give you advice on how to live your life. Getting preteens through strike strike and they both have wives They used to be single and now they're married So when they give advice, please don't be wary They ain't the scary fairy, but don't be stubborn For the record, my dad's name is Barry That was off topic, obviously

But these mentions will solve your problem, probably You're not an oddity, earthbound Bowie Let's reach out and let these Jews know we R.I.P. Kobe Yeah, R.I.P. Kobe Shout out the Lakers But these Jews touch your heart like pacemakers They'll give you advice, do we have any takers?

Cook me holler, you Israelite bakers I remember when they used to have a web show Now they give advice to make your life less dope Opposite that, where's Thomas Middleton at? I mean Dish A mirror's full Jewish, Jake is half But trust me, they can make you laugh The humor isn't crusty like the crabby If you're feeling crabby, or you feel like a whale like Patty These Jews will help gladly Help you out when I'm in doubt Take my earphones out Breathe, put them back in, if I were you

No one stopped calling her a pup You brought in a crazed beast to the office She attacked you, making you drop her leash You were surprised and scared and you said, you know what, I can't deal with this And you ran off in a brazen act of cowardice I feared her that day I can't deal with this, and you rail off in a brazen act of cowardice. Art of our comment is cold. I feared her that day.

It's frigid. It's freezing. I feared her that day. It's cold beyond belief. I feared her that day. It's freezing. It's cold. It's cold. I feared her that day. It's cold! It's cold. I feared her that day. It's cold. It's cold.

Perfect. That was a Hiddem original.