Segments - 468: Liquid Nice

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

In this episode we discuss XMas gifts, English Football, and living rent free.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live light. So no, I won't be recording one.

In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there joke It was more than good, it was quite toke When my time came, all I did was choke

Then Jake said You get the tourney! It's such a bad joke, you get the tourney! It's such a bad joke, you get the tourney! It's such a bad joke, another tourney! Now leave me alone. Very nice. Post-punk pop alternative apparel meets pop Detroit rock city.

That was from a band, actually, if you can believe it. It's not just one person. Let's read it. This is a cover of Australia. Gotta be from Australia. It's a cover of Smoko by The Chats. So there's that. It's such a bad joke. I forced my girlfriend to perform the lyrics from the pov of amir going

into each podcast recording she didn't get any of the references but i think she killed it wow wow that's awesome yeah like yeah just a straight someone who doesn't know anything about us singing a song that's cool very cool uh we inspired this person to start a comedy podcast. So if you can plug The Judgies, it's a show where friends, three friends, highlight some of the craziest stories we can find from popular subreddits, such as Relationship Advice and Today I Fucked Up, amongst others. Then we do what we do best and judge people. Solid concept. Yeah. So thank you to Josh, Erica, and Christian, a.k.a. The Judgies, available on iTunes. Nice.

There you have it. So thanks to them. It doesn't say if it's from Australia or not. I guess we'll have to listen to the show. Got it. It's that pop-punk post-alternative Australian grunge rock folk. Yeah. That's my shit.

You're just naming every genre of music, shoved together into one MP3. Yeah, that's it. That's not how it works. That's my shit. It's an amalgamation of tunes. Yeah, right. A transformer, a Voltron.

They get a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and they shove it up together in a bottle of wine, and you drink it down. Do you have wine? Wow, look at that. up together in a bottle of wine and you drink it down do you have wine wow look at that that's a pint glass of wine it looks that's a that's a that's a camera trick i'm not over indulging this is a glass it's a very it's like a it's a water glass at the very least it's not a pint glass this is like a this is a six ounce glass, I think. Maybe an eight ounce glass. Of red wine. Red wine.

Yeah. Yeah. And then. It's a glass and a half. It's like a glass of wine and a half. Because there was a little bit left over in the bottle. So I just went, I went all out. How's your wine journey doing?

Did it survive Christmas? Were you able to celebrate the holidays with wine more than beer? Yeah. It's thriving at Christmas. It's absolutely killing it, my new wine hobby. I'm really, really enjoying a deep, fruity red, a full-bodied, citrus-forward, smoky red. That's my shit.

Yeah, I see the bottle behind you. It's a Welch's grape juice is what you're drinking. Fuck. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know if you tried to hide that from me. I spike it with vodka so it still gets me fucked up. So don't worry about that. Do you think if you drink vodka and grape juice,

what percentage of people would think that's wine? Like you give it to someone, you say, try this wine. It's kind of unique oh interesting grape juice with a little vodka in it you think that's fooling what 20 of people i've never ever tried grape juice and vodka but i would say yes i'd say that fools most people that was the first wine i think before like they figured out fermentation and all the distillation is like an ancient practice like alcohol has been around for eons. You think they made Welch's and vodka first before they made wine?

Yeah, fruit juice. Yeah, and just rubbing alcohol. And then they hope for the best. And then they realized, wait a minute, grapes go bad on their own. We don't have to add shit to it. It'll just sort of come out of this process. The first wine was a Hawaiian punch and smear knife. Prove me wrong.

Sorry, I should say my first wine. Yeah, not the first wine in the world. How were the holidays? Did you get any good gifts? Did you get wine-based gifts? Did people appreciate your new hobby? Yeah, actually. We picked up a bunch of bottles of wine.

There was also one day where I was recording a podcast, and Jill and Micah grabbed some wine for me. Ooh. And, yeah, the wine has been—I think it's been a joy for everybody. We all share a bottle of wine, just like the days of yore. That's nice. And which yore? What yore? What days of yore, exactly?

What were the yore days? Like yore days of your exactly what were your days like your days of yuletide joy essentially i see yeah so more more yuletide jor than your specifically but overall they were days of your there were days of yeah they were yuletide days of your yeah christmases of yonder and yesteryear and did you use the log of yule or did you just use the yule tide what how much yule did you use we did actually we've had um we've had a fire every single night my parents fireplace which is a joy it's lovely that's the yule log yeah yeah we're burning the yule log uh but we didn't do like a full Christmas this year because, I mean, Jill and I have been living here since October.

Mike has been living here since I think maybe near around the same time, maybe early November. But then my sisters that live outside of the house didn't come home. So it was a small gathering, a smaller Hurwitz Christmas than usual. So that was a little sad. friendly yeah ultimately a little sadder ultimately not great what happens now it's like the 27th through the january 2nd this is like the dead week like we're not at work but it's not like holiday time either it's just like it's going to be tuesday december 29th and what's going on with that? That's just downtime, baby. I've like, on Christmas day, I left my phone plugged in next to the nightstand. You ever do that? Just like, don't even take it out.

Never, never. I would never, I would never do that to the phone. And I wouldn't do that to the phone. I have to be available and I have to have access. I sleep with the phone in my ass. Okay? So that the vibration wakes me up from the inside ass. You were pissed when I said that I left my phone on the nightstand

even at night, right? You sleep with it. Yes. Yeah. Again, it's in me from midnight to at least 6am. I vibrate. When someone calls me, I vibrate. I am my phone's phone. You know the iPhone? Technically, I belong to the phone. Right. So, you're saying you were completely disconnected on Xmas Day. Yeah. I did not lift the phone from its spot until the 26th. Did nothing.

Wow. Did you like check to see if you got texts or something? Like it's been four hours. Let me see what text I got. If somebody reached out to me. So at one point, I forget what I had to do, but I opened my computer. Oh, cause it was, we were exchanging gifts, I think like later in the day.

And I opened my computer and like, I got like, I saw some text alerts come in, people saying like Merry Christmas. And I just ignored it. But I showed it to you. I ignored it. So I saw some. It's not like I avoided technology entirely. Just didn't pick up the phone.

Didn't look at Instagram. Didn't look at Twitter. What about television? Oh, I watched a ton of TV. I watched TV. 11 hours of basketball of course what was a movie marathon uh i know you know i started getting into is uh um wine is that from wine i got it i was getting into um parts unknown with tony bourdain oh like the old travel channel show where he eats crazy street food and goes to holes in the wall. Right.

That was like wildly popular. I recently discovered that. 11 years ago. Went for 12 seasons. So now you have to be retroactively sad that he's dead because it's like, oh, now I like him and now I know he's dead. Yeah, it's definitely, it's like harder to watch knowing how his life ended. Because there's just like times where he's eating and he's like smiling and he says, I'm happy. This makes me happy. And you're like, yeah,

that really hurts. But I think it's a, it's an amazing show for COVID. Cause he's, he's just like, it's something like the most the coolest locations all over the world. It's, it really like tickles your wanderlust and like gives you things to be hopeful for. Like I'm like, oh damn, I wanna go to Newfoundland now. You know? Yeah, and soon.

I mean, do you know people who have gotten the vaccine? My brother who's a doctor is gonna be getting vaccinated very soon. Yeah, I believe Dr. Presley who came on our podcast, has been vaccinated. Wow. You know, I've been thinking about asking the doctors in my life to get an injection with a dummy arm that's instead of an arm, like a vial. So the medicine goes from one vial into the dummy arm, and then you can take that vaccination and you can sort of prick people.

So I would pay, whatever, $25,000 for a prick. And then she would go back in. Is Presley, because she has to get vaccinated twice, right? Is there a world where she uses the, yeah. No, she's not going to do the dummy arm. Yeah, because then even then, you would be able to get, you'd only be getting the second vaccine. She wouldn't do that.

Yeah, but I feel like, isn't that better than, yeah. Doctors like take an oath to like. Yeah, and they, yeah, they're usually like, okay, I need to talk to like an ophthalmologist or some shit, like someone who's on the list, but isn't necessarily seeing that many patients right now. That's. So that I can sell them on this. I have this idea.

Gaming the system. Dummy arm idea. Yeah. By the way, I don't think it's a great idea because it has to be like stored at subzero temperatures, right? Yes. So it just goes from one vial into the dummy vial, into the dummy arm. Yeah, the dummy arm.

And then what? That's actually a really good idea is this dummy arm. I know you think it's a good idea. It's filled with liquid nitrogen ice, a.k.a. liquid nice, which is my nickname now. I don't think I know a person that deserves to get covid more than you honestly oh my god i'm trying to figure out a way to game the system i'm bribing a dermatologist once for a fucking vaccine yeah well if they're not available on the day, I can, in a way, steal that liquid nice slash ice from them in the dummy arm, in the liquid nitrogen, and to give to me a prick for thee. And then suddenly,

I'm walking around. I'm vaccinated, but nobody knows, right? You skipped the line. You're supposed to be like 200 millionth in the line, but you're... I'm supposed to be dead last. You moved yourself to the top. I did the test. Yeah, I did the line, but you're... I'm supposed to be dead last. You moved yourself to the top. I did the test. Yeah, I did the test, and it said, after everybody on Earth gets the vaccine, you can waddle into a laboratory after hours and prick yourself. We want you to be last. Is that because you wrote something about the dummy arm in the middle of the test? I said I wanted to...

At the end, it said, would you ever go through illegal means to obtain the vaccine? And I said, that depends on what your thoughts are on liquid nice. And New York Times, I guess, had an algorithm ready for it. Just for you. You should be dead last. I think anybody that says liquid nice just moves to the back of the line. Yeah, I learned that the nice way i actually have been looking to legally change my name to liquid nice but that's not neither here nor there can't see a story for a different day we could deal with that after new year's um

for now let's try to answer some questions this is after all an advice show an advice podcast the only one on the web hosted by us i'm amir i'm nice no wait sorry i'm liquid nice you can't be liquid that's kind of cool i'm liquid a beer and liquid nice no liquid nice i love jake i don't think so nice that wouldn't make any sense because your name's not Jake. No, it's not. It's Liquid Nice. That's interesting. Yeah. That's an interesting idea.

I'm Liquid Nice. You can be whoever else you want. I don't care if you go by Jake, but it would be dumb. It would definitely confuse people because then they might think you're Liquid Nice. Fine. Then I'll be Guyton Ice. What do you think of that? If I were you, it's fine. If I were you, I would say Guyton Ice and Liquid Nice. I want somebody to play this for the Aussie who did that theme song.

She'll understand our show even less. Sponsored, yeah. Brought to you by, again, Gaitan Ice, Liquid Nice. Here's a question about Zoom photo nicknames. This is a good question. This idea kind of stumped me, so let's see if we can help this guy out. He has an Israeli name, so let's call this guy Omri Caspi, who's an Israeli basketball player. I'm an electronics student, and my physics teacher really likes to make fun of us.

It includes not answering our questions, only letting us speak through the Zoom chat, and never checking the Zoom chat. And most importantly, he gives students nicknames based on their away image, the image you see when someone's camera is not on, that they have on their Zoom. So my question is, what image should I put on my Zoom to get the coolest nickname? Amir deserves the golden mic. Bye. Love you. Bye. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Let's give the golden mic to amir this episode but unfortunately amir's not on this episode i am

it's gaitan ice so what does he get i don't think so gaitan ice what does he get and what does he get gaitan ice is trying to get a trophy his first ever episode. He's going to get a 30. I'll tell you what. Why? Because that's overreaching. It's overreaching. It's overreaching is what it is.

So whenever I leave a Zoom, it just says my full name. Look at this. See? I leave and it says Amir Blumenfeld. When other people leave, it has their picture. And I don't know how to adjust that. Wait, hold on. I hid self-view, so when that happened,

it just was a huge photo of me. So give me one more second. All right, now leave and show me what happens. Okay, I leave, and then it just says, Amir Blumenfeld my name on the zoom i don't know how to add a picture but when you leave there's like an away photo oh yeah it's a photo of me yeah it's the it's a yeah it's a the google photo of you i think that's all i did i think i i linked my zoom and google accounts oh i see so maybe that's what it is i definitely never uploaded

a photo here so interesting okay anyway that's beside the point that's how you do it what's a funny image he can use to get the best nickname because he leaves and then the guy's making fun of the person using the image yeah well first of all what's the best nickname like i eagle when it comes to mind uh our old uh dp that used to shoot the uh head gum videos we called yeah eagle's cool yeah his last name had the word eagle in it though yeah right but i mean you could, my photo on my computer is like, you know, Mac just like lets you choose between a couple and mine is an eagle. Interesting. So I would imagine. I don't, yeah, I don't mind eagle. I also don't mind liquid nice.

Liquid nice is, I mean, that's cool. Or Gaitan Ice. It's my name. It's my name my name but yeah gait and ice is fine it's better than liquid nice i think if you wanted to switch we could do that for the holidays no i don't want to switch but gait night you i think that it's like it's not even about which one is cooler i think i think liquid nice is cooler but it's kind of about like i thought of it who could pull both of these off like you look at me and you're like oh that guy's liquid nice and then why you and you're just like oh this fucking idiot's like he's a

guy nice you know i don't think so the whole point of it was to give me a name that was cooler than liquid nice which i i know you stole from me like eight minutes ago it doesn't matter who who stole it from who you could have stolen it from me i could have texted you liquid nice and nobody listening to this episode no you know you didn't yeah you didn't though yeah but it's just not about theft it's not about that it's about who who embodies the name liquid nice and i don't think it's a guy whose nickname is a guyton that's all i would say yeah you know well yeah what would you say to the uh this fucking guy the guy who has to get like a image to have a silly nickname are you crying guy what's going on with you guy nice is there a world where i cry and i'm still named liquid nice going forward or is that ship

completely sailed sailed that ship it's a speck on the horizon for you guy that's fair yeah i think you could do anything any any image with, like, a cool animal. That's, you know, that would be pretty solid. I don't, I can't imagine, oh, a shark. The shark. Yeah. That's kind of nice. Any golden animal, like a tiger or a lion that's also gold or silver, like a metal dragon of sorts to be a metal dragon would be good or to be a bronze

like tiger would be good or to be like a guy in ice a tin ice a foiled rice so it's a bowl of rice but they're all individually um yeah i mean you gotta just make you you gotta make your a golden eagle that's probably what the move is okay all right golden eagle i feel like oh that's the isn't that the boston college nickname the gold boston college mascot isn't also in foxcatcher uh steve carell's character is, call me eagle or golden eagle. Yes, that's right. Call me eagle or golden eagle. He clearly prefers golden eagle.

Call me that? You just thought of it second and wish you said it first and only. All right, great. Golden eagle. That's perfect. No notes on the Golden Eagle. You got to go for the Golden Eagle. Call me Eagle or Golden Eagle.

All right, Eagle. Actually, never mind. Just call me the Golden Eagle. I said Golden Eagle, didn't I? Yeah, I guess. All right, let's take a break. Thanks to some sponsors and come back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play Pick 6 from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this

this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you just a fan of the league in general, but I still have a fan of gambling enough. Yes, you're a fan of gambling. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely because I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some

advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and

get $50 in pick six credits only on draft Kings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah. I was going to say gambling problem. Call one 800 gambler and help is available for problem gambling. Call one eight, eight, eight, seven, eight, nine, going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon, Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits, expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash...

Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need to know a little bit more about you our audience the survey is quick easy and free to

support segments it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do.

And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the Bible. Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Yeah, you know what, buddy? I do. It's a plea, actually.

I want you to get back into the EPL with me. What? So the unsolicited advice is for me specifically. It's for you. So start watching English Premier League football. Okay. You gave it a shot. Yes.

Did you ever choose a team? I did much to my chagrin. I kind of wish I didn't because now I can't go back. I love the Tottenham Hotspur and the last five weeks have been pretty disappointing to be perfectly honest with you, but they're bad this year. No, they're not bad. They were at the top of the table. There was a time when we were number one, and that was fun. But since then, we've fallen to number five after some very, very disappointing late draws and late losses. Okay. Not great.

So are you watching specifically Hotsppurs games or what's going on i'm watching multiple games all weekend and and actually that's what i've been doing this uh since uh post christmas like 27 27 28 29th all of there's just been like non-stop games on there's non-stop games through the rest of the week. Wow. The reason it's so much fun is because the way the table works, every game means something. Since I like Tottenham,

I care about the Liverpool score a lot. It has a much more a much greater effect that you can feel more so than you watching a random basketball game that, I don't know, makes the Nets record a little bit better or not. Right. This is life or death with every match. Yeah. And the tables are close this year.

They are close. So who's the top four? Liverpool, Everton, Leicester City, and Man United. Yeah, Liverpool is really amazing. Okay, all right. So do you think I need to choose a team or do I just watch some? I feel like I need stakes.

Otherwise, what am I watching for? Well, I think my number two, I know this is, everybody tells me that you're supposed to just have one and hate everybody else, but it's really hard because there's so many good players and they're all really fun to watch. But I love Everton. They've got an Icelandic midfielder, I think it is, Sigurdsson.

But the dude's the man. He's awesome. So I like Everton. That's cool. They're usually bad and they're number two right now. Is there an American? You could also like Aston Villa. Oh, yeah.

All right. So Aston Villa, I think, has one of the hottest guys, Jack Grealish. His name is Jacked? That's how jacked he is? He's Jacked Grealish. And, yeah. Because he is dealish. His actual name is Jacked. He'srealish. His actual name is Jacked.

He's so jacked. His name is Jacked. Oh, I see. Yeah, but we could call him Jacked Grealish. Oh, yeah, I see him. He's hot. He's got a good set of hair on him. Yeah, he looks like a slightly shorter Beckham.

Yeah. But the dude's sexy. And so you could like Aston Villa because they got the hot guy you you should probably if you want to watch an American though then Chelsea's your Chelsea's your team Christian Pulisic that's right yes yeah yeah how's he doing okay that's cool he's really yeah yeah I can root for him yeah he's like he looks like christian bale yeah christian pulisic is pretty hot um i mean everybody in the epl is hot you know it's it's kind of awesome everyone except kevin de bruyne who's a fine broke ass joke you rarely see a

balding soccer player they all have good hair why is that i don't know there's a couple that have bad hair but i take your point for the most part they have awesome hair you're right more so than like it seems like any other athlete for whatever reason soccer players all have really thick full cool haircuts yeah i guess it's just part of being elite they must all take hymns they all have keeps for her uh all right cool maybe i'll check it out and when do you watch it saturday mornings or all the time um it's on saturday and sunday but then sometimes there's like some match like this week there there are matches all through the week which is very fun um but yeah saturday and sunday that's those are the days it's very easy to keep

track of it's also like um i feel like it was inaccessible before but now it's on nbc and nbc sports and like peacock it's like not hard to find a game at all also not very hard to stream one illegally in a pinch whoa don't suggest that yeah liquid nice doesn't follow the rules you can actually stream one in a pitch too that's what they call the soccer field very nice but you know i haven't seen a single american football game this season interesting so you're off american football and on to euro football yeah fully that's cool what about basketball you don't have a fantasy basketball team i do have a fantasy basketball team um i have not been i haven't watched any games though but i like the nba have you been watching non-stop yeah pretty

much there were five games on christmas and for a jew on christmas it felt like christmas morning to me you know five games back to back. But it was Christmas afternoon instead. Yeah, it was morning into afternoon and eventually evening. All right, let's try to answer some more questions. This one is called, Dude Has Messed Up Spectacles.

Wow. Sounds like what you used to have until you got LASIK. Let's call this guy Waldo. Waldo writes, There is a handsome fellow named Nicholas that I know who recently acquired some prescription lenses. He's quite stylish and he prides himself on his looks and posts pictures of himself frequently to social media. I'm guessing that he's never worn glasses before because he's made an egregious fashion faux pas. The glasses are too big for his face. Typically, you aim to have your eyebrows at or above the upper rim of the frames in order to maintain the expressiveness slash prevent smudges. Yet his thick bushes are well within the glass lens frame. Until about three years ago, I had glasses myself that were totally

unsuitable for my face, and I wish somebody would have pulled me aside eight years earlier. I've attached some photos, pre- and post-glasses of Nicholas, so you can make your own appraisal. My question is, do I point this out to him, or do I keep to myself? The situation

is slightly complicated in that we had dated in the past with a somewhat amicable amicable breakup okay and i you crazy i haven't seen him in about a year though we are quite loosely connected on social media you see what the deal is there so do you see the picture it's so funny to look at a stranger this guy has no clue we're looking at him this is he didn't even write in we're judging this guy's new glasses they're fine they're perfectly fine they do make his eyes look bigger it's like they're like reading glasses almost it's like magnifying glasses i think that's the angle to be perfectly honest with you. Maybe this is a single picture. Like these glasses,

I don't think they always sit here. You can also see, cause you can kind of see his, the light is hitting his Adam's apple. It looks like he's not, you know, chin down towards the camera, which is how you're supposed to take the photo.

Otherwise you're going to look like you got that double chin. You want to, you know, down, but, but this guy, he's sort of like cocking his head back at like the end of like, you know down yeah but right but this guy he's sort of like cocking his head back at like the end of like you know when you're nodding hello at somebody who's sort of like mid nod back right

right so i feel like this the camera's looking up the barrel up into the eyes which is why they're um they're magnified a little bit so ultimately this guy guy shouldn't DM the man he dated a year ago and hasn't spoken to since and say that his glasses aren't good. That's right. Even if you think you're doing a service, which you genuinely, you might be pure of heart, you might be just like, I'm just trying to help this guy out. It's not going to feel like that to this other guy. I don't think the duty dated is going to be like, oh, nice. Thanks for the heads up. He's going to be like, oh, you petty little asshole.

Yeah. Maybe do it with your close friends, but a guy you dated once, that's a tough ask right there. You don't owe him that courtesy either. It's not like it does such a good that you're like, I have to rise above myself so I can tell this guy that he looks bad in his new glasses. That's kind of like, I don't know, it's almost like you could just want to do that for your own ego too. Yeah, he's basically, he's thinking that this guy will be like, oh wow, you're really stylish. I don't know why we stopped hanging out. I mean, if you know that much, maybe we should start dating again. What other tips do you have up your sleeve?

Yeah, I think that the benefits are not going to uh they they won't outweigh the risks it's it's too likely that he'll be offended and it's also so not it's not so egregious that it's like uh it's it's still i would say in the subjective zone where you're like just giving your opinion. I wouldn't say these are objectively large or bad. Right. There was another question like this where the guy's friend was wearing the jacket from Drive. And at that point, you've got to say something there. Or like this guy that you dated started shaving one eyebrow off entirely.

Just like, you know why um or like wearing diapers on the outside of his pants as a fashion statement this is definitely like this still is it might just be a bad picture of the glasses you might just not like the glasses so let's let the the ex live his life for a little bit longer. All right. Yeah. Leave this guy alone. Let him do what he wants. The other thing is that you're talking about like the fact that you wish somebody said

eight years ago that your glasses were too big, but you still want, you went on a journey that you were allowed to have. And I think that the ex has to have their own journey. Even it doesn't have to be an eight-year long journey, but it feels like too swift a kick in the ass to be like, I just started wearing glasses. Here's my first photo in my glasses. And somebody is like, those are bad. You know? Like, let's let them ease into it. If you still hate the glasses in a couple months, then you can say something. All right, cool. That's good tip good advice good good way to go leave this man alone unless what if he says you look ugly in

these frames and if we date it again i could turn you from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan as long as you want some of this fuckling nice guy nice liquid nice all right one last question this one's about rent everyone's favorite topic of conversation fucking rent especially since now you're living rent-free at home maybe you can help us um we'll call this guy um famous landlord uh donald trump slumlord i live in a three-bed two-and-a-half bath condo with two roommates who also happen to be two of my best friends we lived together for four years that's a really really good, that's a good setup. Sorry, sorry to interrupt, but that's a good two and a half bath. Nice. My God, everyone's got their own toilet.

I bet one of those is an en suite. Yeah. A powder room, an en suite, and then a shared bath for the other two. I would love to hear, does he talk about the closet situation? No, he doesn't. Do you have a walk-in? He has a question. No, I don't know if he has a walk-in.

It doesn't fucking matter. If there's a coat closet at the front of this fucking place, dab on them. I'm fucking serious. Dab on that shit. If you have a double-door coat closet, okay, you can dab on that. And if you have a fucking pantry, then get out of town. Is there a coat hanger in your back? You're so stiff.

Your shoulders are so high. Loosen up a little. I'm curious to know if he has a walk in. I know. I know. Is it a stall shower in a tub situation? Because if so, you can dab on them. Oh, I just heard.

Yeah, I heard your shirt tear. Your back is so hunched. Your shirt is coming undone. I pulled my neck and my lat on the first dab. So how did you keep going? Ricker Mortis is setting in early. Pre-death. Yeah.

How is that fair? Our rent is $ hundred dollars one bedroom is slightly bigger and has access to its own full bathroom okay that's an en suite very nice what's the closet situation he doesn't mention the closet shut the fuck up i need to finish this fucking question right sorry there's a walk-in i know i know i know you can dab uh the other two rooms are a bit small and share a bathroom is it jack and jill or is that a public bathroom yeah i don't man. He didn't fucking send blueprints. He's asking. If you could send a floor plan, that'd be ideal.

It doesn't matter. As a result, one roommate, I'll call him friend A, pays $600 per month, and myself and the other roommate pay $500 each. We each agreed to do this before we moved in over a year ago, and it's never been a problem. This is the problem. Friend A has a long-term girlfriend that moved in with us over lockdown. So after about six months of living with us rent-free, he's proudly announced that she's going to be around

for quite a while and that she's going to start paying rent. Sounds fine, but here's the catch. He claims that since they're now sharing a room in a bathroom, she should only be paying his portion of the rent, not the whole pie, aka they'd both be paying $300 while the other two of us would still be paying $500. I can't see why we wouldn't just split the $1,600 pie four ways now. His rent still goes down significantly, but it would help the rest of us out a lot too,

which would be an enormous lift considering the current state of the world, yet he thinks I'm completely insane. So what can I do? Sorry for the long email. Love you guys. Trump Donald. Well, first of all, you can play him this part of the podcast because he's completely insane.

You don't get to move your significant other and then have your rent. That's not how it works. You give your friends an extra roommate and you shave off your rent. You get to live with somebody you love and you pay less rent. That's right. And then they have to, you know, more groceries, more coats in the closet, in the hall closet. We don't know what the closet situation is in there. We don't know.

We don't know if it's a walk-in. Utilities are going up. She's, what, cable, internet, all that shit. She's taking long baths. The hot water is going up. She's what cable internet, all that shit. She's taking long baths. The hot water is going on. You know, there's just a lot of unknowns here. You don't just get to have your rent. That's not fair. I also don't think that splitting it four ways is completely the right thing because you are, you're taking up a smaller footprint of the of the apartment but what i think what you do is eliminate this is a math this is a this is a you question but i i

think you would maybe separate out the you got to go by square feet right so like maybe you parcel out the square feet of the bedrooms and then you out the square feet of the bedrooms, and then you split the square feet of the rest of the house evenly. Oh, wow. So you want to get really mathematical about it. But then I think it's the only fair way. It's tough, because then you have to start quantifying like, okay, what about the bathroom situation? You two share a bathroom, we share a bathroom. It's a little, it's not like apples to apples like that it's not just about square footage it's also about common area and how often she's there how much does it actually inconvenience them that's why i feel like yeah this this classic easy everybody pays four hundred

dollars is the way to go you got sixteen hundred dollars it's easily divisible by four their rent goes down more than your rent goes down but your rent still goes down she only pays $400 a month which is solid for her uh that seems to be like the the best way to split this baby in I guess fourths yeah yeah I guess you're right I guess that's I guess that's fair yeah otherwise you otherwise, what are you getting into? Like, okay, now you pay $412.50, and I pay $375.50, and this guy pays $382.75 or whatever the fuck. And like you said, we don't know the closet situation.

We don't know the closet situation. You do not know the closet situation. What's the least you've ever paid in rent? I mean, like, this guy's looking to pay $ a month wow that's a great deal but i have you know you really can figure out exactly how much you pay a square foot and then truly divide on square feet i'm that's all i'm saying i really yeah i guess that's another way to do it but yeah it's a very it's a very meticulous way to do it and yeah maybe and maybe you getting really far into the weeds like that makes your friend just be like, fuck it, let's just go four ways

because I don't want to spend like $388.97 or whatever the fuck. But then how do you price the personal bathroom? Like if I'm splitting a room that's twice as big as yours with my own private bath. Both bathrooms are shared now. Two roommates have one bathroom, two have the other. Why don't you just eliminate bathrooms, and then you calculate bedrooms? I don't know.

I would need a pen and paper. I would need the floor plan. You need the closet space. You need the floor plan. I want the closet space. You need the floor plan. The closet space. I want the foyer. Is there a porch?

Is there a parking space? There's a lot to consider, but I guess the simplest way is that this should clearly be a four-way split. Least you've paid in rent. Yeah, he can't have all of the benefits of having his girlfriend move in. That is absurd. That's not okay.

Yeah. And then what's the lowest you've ever paid in rent? All right. That's the question. I don't think I've ever had an inexpensive apartment, I guess. apartment i guess oh when i lived in new haven the year before when i when i dropped out of moravian when i was at southern i was paying a thousand dollars a month um and i was living with my friend steve we split that we each paid 500 oh that's pretty good 500 bedroom one bathroom eat-in kitchen living room third floor of uh

of like an old house on willow street in new haven not bad yeah i mean this i'm looking to pay four hundred dollars a month that's a that's really impressive for 2020 i wonder where this is yeah i don't think i ever after after that i don't think i ever paid less than a thousand dollars again i pay a thousand dollars i pay a thousand dollars just for internet at my place i probably pay 1100 a month for internet at my place yeah you're like i'm getting and you're like super that does seem high right now like is it fast even are you just getting fucked by somebody well this guy didn't even work for spectrum so like he was going door to door he said he could throttle yeah it says you're using data right now it says i'm off my cell phone

yeah so this guy put a little splitter on my cable box and he said he could make a siphoning cable from you he's good yeah and i'm paying him eleven hundred dollars to get the f off of my property like only guy nice knows how i feel like guyton got taken advantage of in a fucking weird way almost right i went for a ride somehow you took advantage of how guyton a nice I was to you, sir. Guyton's too trusting sometimes. Guyton believes the best in people. Guyton needs to be a little bit more cynical in 2021. That might be, that actually might be Guyton's resolution. Why can't the world just look more like Guyton imagines, though?

I wish we were living in Guyton's world, but he's too naive. All right, that's it it thanks for writing these emails uh let us know how this one works out i'm quite curious i really yeah yeah and this is an injustice being done it's got a net it feels too right at 1600 divided by four it just feels like it's right there for everybody but yeah let us know do let us know uh and. And attached floor plan photos would be helpful. Yeah, I don't think he needs to do the blueprints and stuff like that. I'll let you know. I don't need a blueprint because I don't need to know what's in the walls and where the switches are and stuff.

But a floor plan would be nice. A floor plan would be nice. Liquid nice. Liquid nice, yeah. Okay, thanks for writing these emails in. If you have your own questions or theme songs for next year, wink, wink, it's all at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Right on.

And if you want some more videos of us, we're still releasing weekly videos at our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. We got two years of backlog. We got Lonely and Horny season one and two. We got Jake, give me your watch videos. We got video podcast, Q&As, ANAs, AMAs. We have Adult Ed.

I might even convince you to bring back the EPL podcast now that I've got a team. Whoa. Yeah, now that it can be a legit H spurs versus chelsea pod wow that's fucked that's crazy can you imagine such a bitter rivalry in our own podcast how would we ever get along it doesn't we wouldn't be able to work uh okay and if you um oh wait the opening theme song was by the Judgies. And I cut it off halfway through, so let's play the end of the theme song for the end of this episode. All right.

Thanks for listening, everybody, and we'll be back next week slash year slash decade. That's right, a new decade begins in a week. So we'll see you there. Woo. Bye. So it's Friday morning A podcast is about to record

So I pick up my phone This time I'll get the golden mic for sure But all I get is bedpans and a nugget Everything is shine Turdies all the time And all I get is bedpans and a nugget Everything is shine Turdies all the time And all I get is bedpans and a nugget Everything is shine Then Jake replies

You get the turdy It's such a bad joke You get the turdy It's such a bad joke You get the turdy It's such a bad joke Another turdy So leave me alone

That was a Hiddem Original Leave me alone. That was a Hiddem original.