Segments - 469: Happy New Year

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

In this episode we discuss burping, bathing, and Amir's New Years Eve.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one.

In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. You say this girl in your class is super fine,

but she doesn't know your name. You cry in your bed when she left you on read and won't Snapchat you back. Why so sad? Remember she's with your best friend and you're dating Roxanne. Now you're making me mad. Remember despite your confusion, you can ask Jake and Amir Those two dudes Have a podcast called If I Were You

Jake and Amir One's a monk And Jake jams out to 90s punk Golden mics rise Turdies fall They have seen each other through it all And when push comes to shove They'll take a massive dump on your bad decisions

To remind you of their love Everybody love it dude oh yeah nice you kind of ruined it because he was like a really good singer and then you sort of you kept like chiming in a little yeah yeah you're you're deaf i think they're like tone deaf you wish you were i don't know what's happening yeah but that was a hamilton parody we played some hamilton parodies before but that one was great oh yeah baby i guess man what a catchy yeah i guess they've all been great but that one especially really really tickled us that one was by jerry hoosh or haush h-o-u-s-h would you say hoosh or haush h-o-u-s-h would you say hoosh or house h-o-u-s-h yeah oh i'd say house house yeah and i'd be right how is your house by the way my house my house is really coming along yeah it's a it's a really nice house it's a good house you just want to make sure you turn your house into a hoosh

hoosh your house doing house your house your house? It's actually whoosh. Okay. Very well. Who should I know? Nice. If you want to shout out anything, Jerry did a If I Were You animation back in the day called If I Were You Podcast colon Rodney featuring the acclaimed guest and golden mic recipient Thomas Middleditch. So yeah, shout that out on YouTube.

This guy not only made this song, he also animated something. Wow, a double threat. Yeah, at least. He's got a couple threats we don't even know about, I bet. Yeah, if you can sing and animate, you probably are at least a triple threat. He can probably. Yeah, I bet he can low-key dance yeah that's cool

what how many threats do you think i have if this guy has three you you have zero threats maybe one like you are a threat you're a threat to society you're a menace you're a delinquent i was gonna say writing um podcasting um watching um watching shit you said you're good at podcasting and this is a really boring segment of our podcast where you try to figure out

then I still have writing take away the last two writing walking and did i did i mention yeah did i mention mentioning mentioning mentioning yeah walk for a second take a little lap go to go to the window and back wow you can't even do that can i mention you don't know how to walk yeah so that's two watching and mentioning but yeah that's pretty cool everyone's talented including our fans uh thanks to jerry happy new year to everybody listening my god 2021 can you believe it yeah 2021 it's already different

it's already 2021 is already hitting different really yeah i mean for me it's been roughly the same just like uh saturday and sun it's been friday saturday sunday has been 2021 and for me it's felt exactly like to a t tuesday wednesday thursday right yeah interesting actually i did Actually, I did something a little dangerous for New Year's, if you want to say. Yeah, sure. I've been like quarantining with a few other friends. So it's like me and two other people. And we decided on New Year's Eve, let's say, throw caution to the wind, take our masks off and go to this influencer party in the valley. It was 650 strangers doing like TikTok dances. Is it in the valley? It's like outside?

No, it's in this hype house. And they did this. Yeah, this hype house in the valley, where it's like a bunch of influencers and myself you could see me in the background of some of these videos that are that are in the news i'm doing like a keg stand i'm like doing like this pin the tail on the donkey thing where they wrap me they party they play pin the tail on the donkey well i was the fucking dancer i was the donkey so they wrapped me in masking tape you can hear them chanting let's wrap this fucker in masking tape. Were you invited to the party? They thought that I was a stripper. Oh my god.

Yeah. So I walk in there. So this was their plan for the stripper? That's very fucked up. Yeah. My friends, I guess, couldn't make it because they heard that it was going to be like a dangerous affair. So they thought I was like crashing or that I was old and weird or whatever.

They wrapped me up in masking tape, different like color masking tapes. Like, I guess, have you ever heard of a rainbow party? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so this is like a very, kind of like a variation on that, where they would stick me with like little needles, like pin the vaccine on the donkey. But it wasn't the vaccine. Sorry. I want to say clearly. They tied you up and gave you shots?

I want to say that it wasn't. But not like alcoholic shots? Yeah, not even good shots. They pinned a tail on you? That's what they did? They kept pricking me. They said, prick the prick, prick the prick. And they ended up-

How many things did they chant? They said- What have I said so far you said uh let's play pin let's let's tie this old fucker up yeah yeah yeah yeah and then prick the prick for sure was it yeah and then they would pin the tail on me but yeah they would so i must have been i started i was out, but I was like masked up. You know what I mean? Like masking tape kept it all in. So by the time I-

You didn't wear a mask. You were masked up. You mean that was the tape that they used? Yeah, yeah. So by the time I came- You were short of breath? Yes, exactly. So by the time-

Did you show up short of breath? Like flu-like symptoms? Were you a little ill before you went to this? Yeah, I had like, I had the light, light, light chest pains and a fever of 101. But by the time I got there, that all went away. It was all just like, it was all just like New Year's Eve style celebration slash pin the tail on the me. So by the time I... And some like muscle aches, that was it. Yeah, I had like muscle aches and soreness and I was short of breath and sweaty a little bit and feverish and flush and fluey more than anything so I pass out right I faint or whatever that was the 31st December better than the 31st if this party wasn't on New Year's Eve then what the hell it was New Year's

Eve and I woke up it was it was New Year's eve 20 yeah i woke up 20 hours ago saturday at like 2 30 a.m you woke up on the second so you slept through new year's day in a yeah in an er like kind of waiting area i guess they brought me there to die but uh they brought you there they brought you to the er and you spent 20 hours with nobody doing intake on you the doctors just saw you and they're like, not worth it. Not worth our time. Because I'm a very low priority candidate. Because I didn't have like, I was a do not resuscitate situation.

Like, they wanted me gone. They usually make that decision after you go into the hospital. Right? Yeah. They just sort of saw that. So I have an emergency medical bracelet thing that says, try to air on the side of this guy not pulling through. But for whatever reason, I was ready to meet my maker, but men make plans and God laughs.

So God ended up cracking the fuck up at the sight of me and shot me straight back down. And I, like fucking Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, yeah, i came to i walk home i'm like has everybody been looking for me is everybody worried between your legs yes a little syringe coming out of my ass to still uh and yeah everybody was just sort of fine to see me you're you mean those two roommates you've been safely quarantining with they wanted me out two new roommates yeah i'm uh i'm living a little bit on the lamb and a little bit on the

fence as it were but it is so good to see you how was your new year's uh yeah you know it was it was fine as cool as you did she like, yeah, anything crazy happen? Like, did somebody beat the shit out of you? No. We took her easy. Took her easy. That's smart. We took her easy.

That's smart. Yeah, I was going to say I should probably have taken her easy. I should probably have taken it greasy. Yeah, that was a good catch-up. Did you have a New Year's kiss, or were you dead by that point? No kiss, no kiss, yeah. Not for lack of trying, either. I was maced within an inch of my life, which I didn't know that could happen.

I guess you could pass out from the pepper or some shit. Either slash or slash way. This is an advice podcast. After all, yeah, we are here to dispense our wisdom. And let's get wise. What do you think of that for a new catchphrase? For a new slogan for the new year 2021. We are here to dispense our wisdom and let's get wise

is that what you said let's get wise yeah essentially it is not gonna stick that ain't it fam i love that you're trying new slogans, but you didn't find one yet. Okay. Well, yeah, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, still hosted by us eight years later. I'm Amir. I am Jake.

Wow, eight years? Are we coming up on eclipsing the amount of time we've done a podcast for the amount of time that we did a web series? Oh, good question. Yeah, I think Jake and Amir last did nine or 10. And then there was an overlap. So this one will be eight years in May. So we're not quite there yet, but we're on our way.

Wow, Jesus Christ. Are you ready to start? What will the next decade chunk be, I'm wondering? Yeah, I thought it was gonna be a TikTok. Thank God it's not gonna be. I think that's not uh going to be us i don't know what if we just like became like total career shift we can be like anything you know like what's that dancers no because that's still in an end like that's

entertainment i don't think we could i don't think we could totally be dancers, because we'd have to both know how to do it. And only I am classically trained. I don't know if you are as good of a dancer. I'm as good as you, for sure. You're not classically trained. You're not classically trained. Both. I don't think you could be at my level, which is kind of like ballet, trip-hop style, trained at Juilliard.

Somebody ran train of you at Juilliard. No. That's what you did at Juilliard, yeah. Juilliard and a yard, that's where I fucking learned. Actually, we got a question about your burping situations situations let's see if we can answer this guy's question i'd be happy to because i also have some i've got i've made some progress there really pretty exciting okay okay okay uh why don't we call this guy what's a what's a man in your family name so like another hurwitz oh another hurwitz um let's go the fucking guy himself sam

sam writes jake my friend i was listening to if i were you and you mentioned you cannot burp me too Let's go the fucking guy himself, Sam. Sam writes, Jake, my friend, I was listening to If I Were You and you mentioned you cannot burp. Me too. I also avoid drinking beer because I get bloated and then I have to have small, awkward, embarrassing, uncontrollable mini burps. Here's the question.

My girlfriend thinks I should see a doctor about it, but I can't be arsed. Have you ever spoken to a medical profession about your condition? It doesn't really bother me too much. I can just get a bit uncomfortable and embarrassed in some social situations. For reference, I'm a 32-year-old male

from Melbourne, Australia. No pressure. But I do have a wager on whether or not you have mentioned this to a doctor. So please tell me that you have not. Ooh, that's a lot of pressure. Oh, I'm not. You have not mentioned it to a doctor.

No, but I did like troll through the NoBurp subreddit, which I think somebody sent to us. And basically, it's like not a recognized condition. Doctors don't treat this because they don't think it's real. Or if they think it's real, then they don't think it's worth a damn. Which I could understand that when people are dying of other illnesses. Yeah. I'm going to dedicate my life to making it so you can belch. You know, that's not a high priority.

Yes. So is there a, did you figure out a quote reason? Is not a high priority yes so is there a did you figure out a quote reason is it a genetic thing is it part of your body is it like can you train yourself to learn how to burp or something i so on this website on the no burp subreddit there's like i think there's like two doctors who basically recognize this as um illness or an ailment, and they perform a surgery, which I really hope it's... I think...

I don't have the page in front of me, but I think they do something to strengthen your sphincter. So this doctor says if you just give him fart-blanche axis to your your asshole can make it so that you can burp or else you're talking about a sphincter muscle which i believe is just a circular muscle and exists in other parts of your body so there's like one in your throat that's exactly what it is okay so there's a sphincter which i believe there's one around your eye too it allows you to blink there's one in your asshole that's the famous one because that puckers up and lets you shit yeah yeah that's the one that made you giggle when i said it was

sphincter surgery that's right i didn't know that i all right that's that makes that makes sense all right so now we know so there's also a muscle a circular muscle in your throat that lets you burp and that's also a quote sphincter muscle and i guess like that muscle i don't have any control over either contracting or releasing or something um so when i drink um a beer i get uncomfortable i get um a little like light-headed even like foggy it's like the gas the gas goes up to that muscle and instead of you burping it out in a classic belch fashion, it just sort of gets stuck in that trapped gas. And you, and so what I was reading in Reddit is that like,

I think I'm one of the lucky ones that can make these kind of like mini noises, like, like just every once in a while, it's just like me pushing the air out of that very tiny hole or something. It's not like a full release belch, but there's people that can't get anything out that are in much more discomfort than I am. And I also sometimes will just like trigger my gag reflex and let the burp explode out of me. Walk us through that situation. That's you, quote, pulling the trigger trigger but instead of puking it's just a belch i don't know why it doesn't make me puke because it seems like it would but there's

just like so much pressure in my throat that like whatever do i guess doing that like makes my uh sphincter as it were open up and the belch comes out. But also in that subreddit, I was just looking at somebody who is like basically teaching themselves to burp. And what they were saying is they're just really relaxing their throat. And I think that for my entire life, burping to me was something you force out the same way you would like, that's how I get a fart out of my arse.

Yeah. Yeah. So you'd pull the trigger down there too. Yeah. So, but I don't, when I'm burping, I'm like trying that, you know, like it almost looks like I'm about to heave or something. Yeah. So then I, these last few weeks, I've just started like breathing in and then doing nothing.

Just like trying to fully relax my throat. And I've been getting some burps out. To the point where Jill got mad at me. Why? I think that's like... Mad at you because you're trying to get a burp out? Well, no, she's like... When I've burped before, there have been like a handful of times.

If she hears one, she's like, good job. Because she knows that I can't burp. So when I first started this and it was, and I burped a couple times, she was like, good job, congrats, you're doing it. She was happy. But then I think I was doing it to such a degree of success that she was like, now, if you have this power, you have to have manners. But I still don't have, I don't have control when I'm doing it. I, I just, it's been happening and it's like been surprising. That's all it is. I see. So recently you've been able to sort of train yourself to release the gas in a slower fashion. Yeah. Like a more traditional

burp. I still don't have like the, I still don't know what it is I don't really understand what's happening I don't have like um the the like um I guess like the command of what's happening I don't have I can't feel what I'm doing right or wrong it's almost like when you're singing and you're tone deaf but like you can feel when you're you you like get on a note but it's by accident you know all right so you can burp but it's not nothing on purpose or good like that i couldn't recreate it but i'm slowly slowly trying to so i guess i don't know that i think that's my advice but also there's apparently this doctor in chicago um and there's one in new york but i don't know if he's as renowned i don't know if he's seeing new clients right now what with covid and all yeah and it's definitely an elective surgery but i think this

i know what it feels like to not be able to burp i also like i'm on the other side of like sometimes being able to work really hard to get a burp out and i think that it's worth the effort so if you can't burp at all and there's something that is out there that can help you burp, you should chase that fucking dream, baby. Yeah, maybe in Australia, things are a little bit different. Like there's two doctors in America that can do it. But in Australia,

they're all fucking trained in this thing. They'll slice and dice your sphincter, no problem. In and out, there you go. I've also stopped, I mean, I'm drinking more wine these days. That's right. Still on the wine tip. Stop power more wine these days that's right still on the wine through the beer yeah still on the wine tip and now i have like one beer every maybe like i guess maybe once a week maybe every 10 days wow before i would have like three or four a week and does it feel does it hit you different now that you don't have as many yeah i mean it doesn't like i'd still love the way

it tastes um but i also definitely like recognize my body does not feel um bloated and gaseous when i don't have the beer that's good it's nice yeah yeah yeah it's good it's good and yeah and here meanwhile i can burp and i don't like beer so maybe we should i don't know figure out a way to freaky friday those attributes or something could you burp right now if you want to do yeah i can just like suck in air and then burp it out instantly wow do it wow yeah and then i could do it with my ass too watch this no you don't have to squat by the camera oh did you actually just fart uh i'm it's like you're shitting oh you've actually diarrhea gave yourself fucking diarrhea man let's uh the thing is i tried to like suck in air and then just shoot it back out. But for whatever reason, I'm sitting next to a bowl of food, and it all just went up and in, and now it's drizzling out.

That shot is still in your ass, by the way. I know, I can't burp. You have a syringe in there. I don't know what happened, but I can't burp anymore. Actually, this is perfect timing. Let's take a break. I'll clean up my pantaloons, and then we'll be back on the other side of these messages. Yeah.

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I'll re-up some of your old advice. Whoa. Which is to get in the tub, to bathe, to take a bath. Interesting. So this is something I sort of discovered on the other side, like at the beginning of the quarantine. And I've been doing it less now that it was hot in LA, but now it's starting to get cool again, starting to reintroduce baths. Now it's winter in New York, and that's primo bath weather,

because it's like, you get so cold, it like goes all the way into your bones. And the only way I think to completely thaw your body out is to take that bath. But you never used to take baths. Mine is more, I never took baths. I think I might've even made fun of you when you started saying that you were taking a bath. Yeah. You used to sort of ridicule me. Yeah. I definitely said a lot about you behind your back at that time.

Yeah. You used to email like friends and family of mine and be like, LOL, did you guys know that Amir was doing this? And I don't know how you got the photos of me bathing or what the hell was happening. Did Avital tell you that it was a pretty long campaign to try to get her to break up with you? Because of the bath situation, yeah.

But there's nothing wrong with that. It was a weird campaign because there's nothing inherently wrong with baths or bathing at all. Totally. Yeah. And now you're doing it. It was like, yeah. Holy shit.

Look at this guy. Yeah. Why? What are you doing? Look at him. He's literally in a bath right now. Pictures and shit of like me bathing, videos of me getting into the tub, doing shit like that. And then now you're finally bathing.

So what happened? What was the way? I totally get it. Yeah. I, well, I think I just did it because I was like recovering from, you know, bike rides and stuff. Oh, I see. As like a muscle. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's like. I was taking like Epsom salt baths. Well, that was, and that was how it started to be like, you know, a recovery bath as it were. That's good. And then I just really grew to really really i loved my time in the bath and i love the way it made my body feel afterwards so i'm still taking the baths with the salts and it's very good now do you treat it as like an end of the day situation um i treat it as are you taking daytime baths? No, it's definitely, it's like one of the last things I would do.

Really? Not a daytime bath. Wow. Sorry, I mean like last thing I do for the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like maybe 5 p.m. get in the bath and then after you're done. I don't think I could do like a bath and then back to work. Oh, God, no.

No, you couldn't do that. Do you take the shower after the bath or do you go straight from the bath to robe that's actually a good question i do take a shower after the bath yeah you got to rinse off so i do the the bath into the shower and actually this is a an update for me three days ago i slipped from the bath getting into the shower i ate shit fell down hard tiled tile soapy ass feet like a like a banana peel man in a cartoon just like straight up in the air yes like put my entire body weight on one heel and it gave out and i tried to break my fall and i like landed on my elbow and like for a few seconds i'm like oh gave out and i tried to break my fall and i like landed on my elbow and like for a few seconds i'm like oh god i hope i did not break my arm i can't go to a i

can't go to a hospital not like this you gotta get back in the tub and soak that off i spent four more hours in an ice bath yeah i fell on my ass actually on my elbow and it was like it felt kind of like bruised for a few days and then i slowly went away yeah but it was a dangerous situation so yeah i guess you gotta be careful my sub my sub advice is that when you're transferring from the bath to the shower yeah take the uh slippery take your time slippery little things yeah and it's not you're not meant to be walking around but you have a separate tub shower. Yes, I do. That's a tricky thing.

I've got the shower in the tub, so I soak. How hot do you keep your shit? I'd really like to know how hot you keep your shit. I'm trying to answer. Are you like, I can barely get in? Or is it like a book? Let me answer. Is it tea? I feel like you're.

Or is it tepid? That's what I want to know. I want you to take a few. Is it the baby pool? Yeah. Or is it thepid? You know? That's what I want to know. I want you to take a few... Is it the baby pool? Yeah. Or is it the big boy pool? Let me... Hot or cold?

Simple question, Blumenfeld. Hot or cold? Your tone... Or is it in between? Yes. I know. And I know the answer to this. And if you shut up, I can answer.

But the tone that you have is so nasty. You have a really nasty tone right now. It's accusatory. I'm curious. It's a real... A warm of the bath is. I'm not being nasty with the tone right now. It's accusatory. I'm curious. It's a real... I'll warm the bath. I'm not being nasty. It's tacky.

It really is tacky. I feel like I'm being... You're evading the question. I'm not evading. And that's... I think that's tacky. I want you to take... I think you're being tacky right now.

I want you to take... I'll take a deep breath and I'll answer you. Because it's not like... I'll take a deep breath when you answer me. And you're done being tacky i keep it one notch below too hot so it's not like like avital likes the bath quite quite hot like oh this is really really hot like the hottest you can possibly stand i like it one notch below that cool so like how long are you taking a bath? I'm taking some baths long enough that I have to re-up the hot water. It'll fade into Luke.

And then it's like, you know what? I'm not done yet. It's been 28 minutes. I'm ready to go for another half an hour, re-up the hot water. And that feels good too. Yeah, yeah. How long are you spending in there? Are you getting wrinkly?

Are you getting pruning? Are you using the salts? I'm using the salts. But I think for me, the bath needs to be pretty hot for me to feel the benefit of the soak, the salts. And I think if I just sat for 45 minutes in a tepid bath, it wouldn't do me as good as 20 minutes. But the issue is that when the bath is really hot, it's a lot harder to relax.

Like your mind races a little bit. You're cooking yourself alive. Yeah, you don't want to boil. Your fight or flight is kicking in. Boil your meat. Yeah, you don't want to be a little fucking, what's it called? The fondue. You don't want to fondue yourself.

Yeah, you don't want to fondue yourself. So you also like it one notch below, 10 out of 10 hot. To be honest, I'm very, I am new in my bath journey. So I'm still experimenting with different temperatures. I think that I find that it's more pleasurable to have a cooler bath and be able to sit for longer. But the benefits of a hot bath are really good too. So I think I go based on like what i need like am i sore or am i stressed do i want to unwind or do i want to heal interesting okay all right yeah that makes sense and then i will say you sweat a lot in a bath so it's important to

have water nearby as well another side tip to the bath so yeah don't like don't just bathe. Bathe safely. And fucking bath smart, you know? Yeah. I am. You gotta bathe smarter than that. You're actually not. You fucking broke your elbow the other day. Yeah, I almost broke my arm taking a bath. But other than that, I'm bathing very smart.

I imagine the have water by your side comes from a time when you fainted in the tub as well. Yes. Yeah, I'll faint. I will pass out. I will wake up. I will come to. My face skin as pruney as the tips of your fingers white pale wrinkly as the day but you know that's that's the fence of you know steaming out in the shower anyway so it's no yeah right yeah uh all right cool we're back

we're back to baths back to baths um all to baths. All right, here's a D&D question. I know you recorded an ad pod today, so this is on your mind still. That is right. Shout out to our guest, Lou Wilson. Check it out. It's going to be a good, good couple weeks. Do you guys record those as imminently as this? Like, we're recording Sunday night. It's going to be online later tonight into Monday morning. Is the turnaround time like that on nadpod kind of um murph does a lot more uh not that you do a bad

job editing you're a great editor there's just less to less to edit to edit yeah um so it takes murph like a couple days but we recorded tonight the episode's going to be out on thursday wow that is fast it's a quick turnaround uh all right here's the question you want to give this guy a dnd style name yeah i'll give him uh the name of my new character corbo babino uh no let's just do a new name well what was that let's do like a fun name we'll do one of the names of my my old character uh nyack of the renifor no just like just like a silly quick name like reyna or something like that i don't know why don't you name him reyna or you give it go go the name that you did on our podcast when you were a guest yugo you know the story there i don't know if I'm spilling too much beans, but I wanted to name him Jugo.

And then Murph is like, you know, that might be a little offensive because he's like a nebbishy Jewish stereotype of a man. So maybe we should shift it a little further. I'm like, nah, people won't get mad. I'm Jewish. It's fine. Anyway, we ended up going for Yugo. That makes sense. Yeah, I understand.

Murph was right at the end. Yeah, he was correct. I'm a bigger bigger man i'm willing to do it it doesn't roll off the tongue as much really if somebody that didn't know us heard that character's name which is does uh make up a large portion of nadpod is people that don't listen to this show uh they would be like you sorry you had a guy on and you named him jugo yeah he's sort of a miserly little elf man who takes advantage of his friends for coins golden doubloons jugo did bring the chaos we should have jugo back sorry you go back but like unannounced so like you guys are just like in a forest somewhere and suddenly you run into me

you go and i'm just cooking chaos yes ending up trying to kill you guys all right so um no what was the first one corbo babino corbo corbo writes i played dnd with some old friends including a good friend of mine who will call sam the dm himself and the dm's girlfriend who will call emily not real names as we're all old friends outside of dnd we also hang out and drink together one night i was drinking with sam emily and another friend things got blurry and horny and Sam and Emily fucked. I have to admit, I have to admit that I was absolutely steamed too and probably would have been complicit if the two hadn't left. So, DM got cucked by one of his own players. My question is, how do I make this D&D group survive?

I put a lot of effort and emotion into my character, and this game is a source of light in my otherwise dismal life, and I'd hate to lose it. How can this be reconciled to save the game, nay, my soul, from falling into oblivion? Should I convince Sam to blow the DM to make it even? What the hell? Should I fuck Sam's mom to create some sort of balance

in the ying yang of it all help i'm spiraling for my minotaur battle master didn't deserve this yours faithfully corbo well well i don't i don't fully understand the specific drama but i guess the question is can a can a dnd group survive such real-world turmoil? No, no, no chance. No way, no. And there's actually nothing you can do. What happened when you and Connor,

or not Connor, you and Caldwell hooked up? Did that sort of sour the group for a few weeks? Yeah, made things awkward at the table. At least we weren't playing with anyone caldwell was married to yeah like that's the issue here the dynamic is done you're screwed it's off it's over and that's the quicker you accept that the the easier it's going to be to create a new character uh for your next campaign maybe use this time uh as a chance to DM. You can be a DM that doesn't get cooked. Interesting.

Yeah. How does it work with starting new campaigns? You don't have to make it tied to the old one in a way. You could just be like, all right, I'm going to go over there and play with some other friends, a completely different universe. Yeah, it's fun. I think rolling new characters is fun. I do recognize that it's fun i think i think rolling new characters is fun i do

recognize that it's hard to like put your whole soul into a character and like you know they're leveling up with experience and collecting magic items and um getting cooler and cooler weapons and better bonds with the players but then you kind of have to zoom out and think about that this is like two people's marriage. And your thing is still a made-up Minotaur. Yeah. So, you know, perspective's good. And it's fun. And I don't know. I remember when my character, I won't say anything that spoils anything.

But something happened. Okay. That I had to play a couple sessions as a new character oh and i was scared because i had like known my i knew my character so well but then i made somebody new and i actually had a really good time uh playing as a different a different pc so think about that you will also of course have to find new friends so i mean that's a bigger issue as well yeah friends schmenz but it's really about the group can you can you envision a world where you're playing like one game for the podcast and one game separately or it's like

the game is so all-consuming that it's too hard to juggle two different jobs i think i would i would play another i would definitely play another game if like the right friend group uh was interested you know i wouldn't just like tap into any game it's not like oh i want to play dnd with whoever will play dnd yeah like it is about the group so you could juggle two you're saying yeah i think you could juggle two so yeah you could start you could start a new group as you wait for this ball to drop or the shoe to drop i don't know what you know what the metaphor is what about what about an oops all you go campaign so instead of like oh this person's a minotaur and this one's like a slimy guy and this one's a wizard it's a world where everyone is yugo yeah exactly so it's like i'm yugo you're a go yeah i believe yugo was a was yugo a gnome or a halfling a halfling i think

or maybe he wasn't he was definitely three feet tall and slimy yeah yugo was a balding, middle-aged, halfling rogue who had gold teeth and high heels. Yeah. And created discord on the show. Yes, yes, exactly. He sowed discord, exactly right. Actually, if you really think about it, your friend was a real-life Yugo of the group. Oh, interesting.

So I came in there as a guy who was trying to ruin shit IRL. Yeah. And then in so doing. I think you really only need to worry about kicking out the guy she cheated with from the campaign. Like, if they can get through their marital problems, if they can get over that and then get back to the table, it's you, them, and you get one more person in there.

Then you don't even have to roll a new character, you know? That's cool. All right. All right. So there is a way to save this group, you're saying. I mean, I don't know. I think that what I'm really saying is that your Minotaur is not the priority. And I don't think that it's worth meddling anything um so like really you should just keep on playing

maybe the affair doesn't ever come to life and that's better than you i guess hooking up with sam's mom was one of the ideas is there a way to like use dnd to try to like save the relationship being like if i roll a what like a tolerance roll or something like that like a forgiveness yeah so it's like he rolls i guess that would be persuasion yeah yeah yeah a persuasion check with with extreme disadvantage okay so it's like i roll a 100 times and take the lowest. Yeah. And that's like if I still get 15 or above, then you have to forgive me, babe. That's a four. Shit.

Can we call that a practice roll? We only made out. It didn't count. Is that a thing if the dice falls on the floor you have to re-roll i i think the dice has fallen on the floor before i think you have to decide you just have to decide before you see it if you say if it falls on the floor you don't have to be like that doesn't count but you can if you wanted but like you can be like i'm gonna use whatever it is and then you can crawl and look at least that's how i play but you have to crawl that's the specific part you have to crawl what you can't do is like

roll the dice look it on the floor it's a three and then you say i have to re-roll it fell on the floor because you know that you wouldn't want to re-roll if it was a 20 that's cool yeah no i get that that's cool yeah yeah it's actually really cool. Thank you. Let's see it. Let's see you roll fucking right now. Oh, wow. I have my dice right here. You have a lot of dice right next to you.

I was sort of doing, like, kind of a bit, but yeah, okay. Now that, all right, yeah. That's an eight, motherfucker. That's not good. That's pretty much the highest you can get on a talk side to die yeah what how many sides does that die this one has 20 but you also use a d8 sometimes yeah but you didn't so don't you also could have rolled a six-sided die that would have been extremely high if i got it can you imagine if i got a fucking eight on a six-sided die i know god no it wouldn't happen really actually give it up give it up for that

that's fucking awesome i don't have to and i won't you don't deserve it neither does this person this person doesn't deserve forgiveness but hopefully you guys can make it work for the sake of the group you got to do it for the sake of the group. All right. That's it. That's our time. First episode of the new decade. We're in. We're out.

The opening theme song was Jerry Hausch, or Hoosh, the Hamilton theme song. This closing one. Let me look at who wrote this closing one. While you talk about our Patreon. Yeah. You can check us out out checking ourselves out over at patreon.com slash ja we are making our way through the entire jake and amir catalog every single canon and uncannon episode uh we're watching them we're reacting to them uh and then sometimes we're

just shooting the shit answering your questions your queries um but we're just shooting the shit, answering your questions, your queries, but we're hanging out over there. So check it out. All right, that was perfect. You killed enough time for me to find Eric Novak wrote this song. He'd be surprised if we played it because it's not a Blink-182 cover.

But, you know, we do... Let's do a quick cursory search. Let's do Blink-182. No, we don't only have to do Blink-182. This is a perfectly fine... Search enema of the state. We don't think so. This is a nice song.

We're doing this song. Look up Cheshire Cat, okay? We're not looking it up. We already had a cover. It was a Hamilton cover. This is an outro. It's an original, I think, original theme song written, recorded, and sent by Eric Novak. So thank you to Eric.

Thank you to Jerry. Thank you to you guys for listening. Thank you. And we'll be back soon enough, I bet. Maybe next week. Probably. Ciao, everybody. Later. So the world seems pretty much over

There's no more beer casanova It's getting hard to get laid Especially in the end of days Tell me what you'd do If I were you If I were you To take the chicken on this food. If I were you, yeah, would you get away? La, la, la, la.

If you played this intro, that's going to be a turdy for you, bud. That was a Hiddem original.