Segments - 47: Cheating

Episode Date: December 19, 2013

In this episode we disagree on whether or not drinking is a valid excuse to be a terrible person, and also buying gifts for porn stars. This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for access to thousands of movies and TV Shows: bit.ly/1aJaQzw This episode is ALSO brought to you by 20Jeans.com! Twenty dollar jeans and other awesomely affordable high quality clothes: bit.ly/152P612 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello! Plus this episode. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else

online, now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do this episode is actually pretty cool because uh if you keep listening you can sort of. I think around the 32 minute mark. Yeah, yeah. You said the 32 minute mark is when things actually ended up. They turned and it becomes,

yeah, it becomes real. They got real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They become real. At a certain point on this episode, I think it's a 32 minute mark, but things do get real. I'm not quite sure

if it's exactly 32, but it definitely is at some point in the show. And it's about time because we've been doing a podcast for a minute. So enjoy this episode Outro Music dope i really think that this is crack no coke we're laughing our ass off in this place we're crossing this podcast to outer space jocelyn has been looking for ace yeah it's limitless email us in follow your show at gmail.com

jesus can we hang out sir i think you're i think you're the coolest uh person that listens to our podcast you want i didn't i saved this to tell you on the show but you want him to get even cooler i'm going to tell you his name oh man what is it vince valentine of course the vv vin valentine what if that's his real name? That's how naturally cool he is. Dude, he was born awesome. That was a great, great, great theme song. And this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. Excuse you.

Amir Blumenfeld. And I'm Jake. And I'm the hero. And I'm your sidekick. Come on. You are my sidekick. At least mention it. you're absolutely the robin to my batman i'm below you yeah but you gotta say my name what a what a weird you got offended but

you still want to be my sidekick hey come on i'm your second in command man hey let me hang out with you mention me talk to me mention me please it's funny because you're sitting on the floor right now i do feel below you um how's it going it's chill it's actually it's actually trill really yeah yeah i've been keeping it trill i really haven't tried to what do you mean trill? Trill is sort of, it's like true and real. So trill is not, no part of trill is chill? Well, I mean, it's pretty chill to keep it trill, I would say. So trill is true and real. It's like keeping it very real, extra real.

So wouldn't that just be trill? No. It's actually really untrill of you to dissect the etymology of trill. Just please respect me. Please respect me. Just know that I need to be respected. There's a Jack Handy quote that I think was so funny. It said, a man doesn't just get my respect.

He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. You were reading that Jack Handy book on the trip, or at least part of it, and you told me one line which was so, so funny. Oh, my God. I mean, the whole book, you told me, is just littered with funny one-liners. That's great. He's like, growing up, I always wanted to build the world's longest bridge, but I was very disappointed to find out that someone already had done that.

Yeah. He's good. He really is. He's good. He's so funny. So, how does it work, this podcast, this show that we do? It's an advice show,

so people email us their difficult situations, and we do our best to answer them. You can email us and yourself at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Should we get started? That was pitch perfect, my friend. One note that I'll have. That was beyond perfection. I do have to bring up one big thing.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. Don't change a goddamn thing. You're amazing. Here's my issue. Here's my little, my live critique. And no, I don't have one. It's perfect. All right, keeping it short and sweet.

Amazing. Should we hop right into it? Yes. So this email was written to us by someone we'll call Banana. We have run out of themes for the show. We are moving on to Fruit. Fruit. This is a fake name. Her name's not really Banana,

but we're going to call her Banana. But I assure you this is a real email we received. We're changing her name to preserve her anonymity. Banana writes, My friends are falling apart, and everything about them is just no. I can't even come up with words to explain just how messed up they are.

Relationship issues, family issues, school issues, friend issues. You got an issue? They do too, and it's ten times worse than yours. And they all turn to me for advice, then don't listen to me and cry to me again later. How do I get them to stop asking me for advice without hurting their feelings or ruining our friendships? Thanks, Banana. Oh, no.

Nana. Nanner. I think you took a turn for the worse at the end there. You just failed the friendship test. You're asking how to tell your friends to fuck off so you cannot help them? They're not your friends. And you're a friend to no one.

You're a bad person. I think you're a rotten banana for this. You're a brown banana. You're a bad banana. You're a mealy banana. You're past ripe and you're a downright dirty banana. Or are you a green, sour, hard banana? Interesting.

Yeah. I think let's say she's a green, sour, hard banana. Or are you a green, sour, hard banana? Interesting. Yeah. I think let's say she's a green, sour, hard banana. Yeah, but your meal banana is like a mushy sweet. At least it's a sweet banana. Oh, I was saying because she can ripen. You can still turn this around. Oh, that's also a very optimistic way of looking at it. I think it's...

What do you mean also? Oh, sorry. Yours was optimistic too. Sorry, I got mad at you. Whoa. I've never seen you get mad at me. That was so real for social. What do you mean, also?

What, you optimistic ass? Oh, when you said brown bananas were sweet? Fine. It's like, I suppose. We spent every waking minute together for 10 days, and you finally snapped out. It was only so long. You can stay with me consecutively for 11 days in a row but on that 12th day

you just fucking lose it it would have been any you could have said anything and I was ready to just I needed to just narrow my eyes at you was it on the show

when we when I estimated that in like the last week and a half since we also sleep we slept in the same hotel room every single night on the road trip that in the last week and a half

we've spent 11 minutes apart yeah I think I think it. Well, we didn't sleep together every night. You know what I'm saying? What? I'm really quiet.

Yeah, but I mean, we spent literally every waking moment. We were either together or texting to find out where the other person was so we could get back together. That's very sweet of you. When I fly home tomorrow morning, and we are going to be...

It's insane. What's going to happen? When's the last time we were apart for two weeks? Ooh, good question. Never. And it's weird, because when you're gone, I don't miss you at all.

Jesus. That's one of those things, like you're here, and it's fine, and then you're gone, and I'm better. So... What? I don't know. I'm crumbling that's all what yeah just because i don't need or think about you when you're not here no because it's better when i'm gone that's what you just said yeah it's absolutely i just feel like a way to think about me while i'm gone you think it's better when i leave it just feels i feel happier when you're not here. You piece of shit. Excuse you. Is that why?

Should I call you an asshole? Trill out, actually. Trill out? Yo, that wasn't trill. You true. For real? For real, that wasn't trill. Yeah, I'm trying to keep it trill.

So what should we tell this meanie? I hope she's young because she has time to change. Yeah. But friendship is about people coming to you for advice. Also, you like this podcast, don't you? Clearly you enjoy some level of advice giving.

I guess it's frustrating. I understand. I think she's frustrated because her friends aren't following her advice. Oh. So she says they ignore her advice and then they come back crying and they're even more upset.

Yeah. So what you could do is give advice wholeheartedly the first time and then be like, if they come back to you, you could be like, you know what? I already gave you the advice. You either have to follow it or not at this point i can only help you

so much right i think there's no or you change the advice change the way you give it i don't know or get more well-adjusted friends i mean relationship problems family issues you got an issue they do too yeah can you imagine having friends with issues i don't think i do have well maybe i do everybody has issues don't they i'm trying to think of like who what friends of mine i like give advice to the most i feel like i'm the one always asking for advice right what do i do what do i do i'm a fucking loser but who has no issues who has their life so well put together they have nothing to worry about um i guess like everyone always has issues it just depends like our issues are relatively good issues right these are good problems yeah like oh i hate my parents it's like i only hate my dad I guess like everyone always has issues. It just depends. Like our issues are relatively good issues. Right.

These are good problems. Yeah. Like, Oh, I hate my parents. It's like, I only hate my dad. And it's like,

yeah, I'm not so extreme where I like, Hey, both my mom and my dad. I just love my dad. I love my mom. So I know mommy, you're my bitch.

I'm serious. Yo, my mom's my bitch. Jesus. She is. Yeah. She, yo, yo, yo, you a bad ass bitch. Mama, you a my bitch oh my god i'm serious yo my mom's my bitch jesus yeah she oh yo yo you a badass bitch mama you a bad bitch it's insane this this this language that you use to speak to her she keeps it true i just i love seeing you be like i love you my mama and then just like the glazed look over your eyes you're, she's a badass bitch. She is a badass bitch.

I'm going to say that. I guess she's a badass bitch if you're willing to say that to her and she's going to be cool with it. You got to be a badass bitch to be called a badass bitch and not care about it. Bad bitch is a term of endearment. You love bad bitches. That's my fucking problem. You love bad bitches. That's my fucking problem.

And yeah, you like to fuck. I got a fucking problem. You love bad bitches. That's my fucking problem. And yeah, you like to fuck. I got a fucking problem. You love bad bitches. That's your fucking problem. Yeah, it really is. I love bad peaches. That's my fucking problem. I love bad bitches.

That's my fucking problem. I love bad peaches. Damn, I got bitches. Damn, I got peaches. All right, we're done with I got bitches. All right. We're done with this first lady. Grow up. Help your friends.

Help your friends, but just try to look at it from a more positive standpoint of they rely on you and they need you. And you're like the stable core center of your friend group. And if they're all fucked, then it's your responsibility to bring them back. You can do it. You're a leader. Believe in yourself. That was bad. All right. All right all right uh next question what i'm sorry believe in yourself fuck off with that it wasn't trill was it all right next question next question um hey guys oh this one comes from somebody we'll name cucumber nice ass oh no the theme was fruit and you immediately immediately the second thing

you did was a vegetable and now now we can't do a vegetable theme because today's episode is i guess fruits and veggies and we're just fucking food is the next person chips why don't we just we'll ruin every future episode oh god three episodes are now we're just using people's real names we don't give a fuck about anonymity anymore at all. Bring it. You have a problem? Let's fucking talk about it. John Smith.

That's not this actual person's name. All right. This guy writes in. Cucumber writes in. Cuc. Basically, my girlfriend cheated on me a year into the relationship, and I forgave her. But when I came back to think about it, I feel like I shouldn't still be with her and give her a second chance. But then my other conflicting thought is that I believe everyone deserves a second chance to correct what they've done wrong. What do I do, guys? Given the circumstances that she is one of

the nicest girls I've ever met and truly a genuine person, I don't want to lose someone that special. Even if she was pretty fucked out of her face, should I forgive her and try to move on with the relationship? Or should I move on and try to let go one of the best things that's ever happened to me? When you guys said in episode 43, guys suck,

I wonder if sometimes girls can be just as much pricks as guys are. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Cucumber. All right, cuke.

I guess it's incredibly rare, but sometimes girls can be pricks. But like only sometimes. Guys always, girls... You think guys like only sometimes guys always girls you think guys cheat on girls more than girls cheat on guys i think so probably right because guys think about boning more than girls do yeah is that offensive to say i don't even know it's offensive towards males right maybe but i guess i feel like girls are more interested in well-rounded guys.

Girls are more interested in cooking and purses. I swear to God. Girls love purses. Guys love pussy. That's what's up. All girls think about is popping out babies and cooking turkeys or whatever the fuck. I don't know. But guys, yo, we're better, stronger, faster.

Jesus. We fuck. No, no Faster. Jesus. We fuck. No, no, no, no, no. I didn't just say that. Actually, that didn't happen. That wasn't me. The cool thing is that I didn't just say that. That didn't.

But I feel like guys are more focused on physical pleasure than girls. Yeah. I mean, just from the sheer, I feel like at this point we're almost we're almost professionals. We've had a lot of experience, at the very least, reading a shitload of emails of people's problems. And the vast majority of

the cheating ones are from guys cheating on girls. Or like figuring out how to keep cheating on their girlfriend, how to hide their girlfriend from finding out, how to take their friend's girlfriend, how to swoop in and steal some dude's girlfriend. And every girl is like, should I ask this guy for his number? Should I ask him out on a date? How do I know if he's really cool?

How do I know if he's awesome to me? So yeah, no, guys do suck. But also, sir, cucumber, your girlfriend sucks. She sucks. She shouldn't have cheated on you. Yeah, I just like that she's like, this girl cheated on me, but she's the nicest girl in the world. She's the nicest girl I've ever met. You should probably meet nicer girls because there are girls that are, if you can imagine, so nice they wouldn't cheat on you.

Yeah, but I do. I feel for her. Yeah, because you've cheated on people before. He was like she was drunk. Right. That's not a thing I'm tired of that bullshit Being drunk is not an excuse I only do stupid shit when I'm drunk

Well, you get drunk five nights out of the week So what's not an excuse? Come on Oh, Jake, you dance like an idiot I was drunk, yes, that's the excuse Jake, you made out with a stranger, yes, I Yes, that's the excuse. Jake, you made out with a stranger. Yes, I was drunk. That's my excuse.

But cheat. Yeah, I'm dumb when I'm drunk. Right, but you can't cheat on someone and be like, I was dumb when I'm drunk. You know, when I drink, I get crazy. Yeah, you can. You are. You're dumb. You make bad decisions.

Everybody makes bad decisions when they're drunk. But that's not an excuse. It is an excuse. It's a reason that I did that. I guess it's a really bad excuse. It's a bad excuse, but it's a goddammit excuse. No, it's valid, too. No, it's not. The drunk drunker i get the stupider shit that i'll do yes i will do things that like that they make no sense right so why is that not an excuse because if i was drugged i was drugged yourself yeah so but if i if i like oh i didn't really i didn't really cheat on you

what i did was drink this magic potion that allowed me to do it yeah but that's the thing if somebody like slipped me something in my drink that allowed me to do it. Yeah, but that's the thing. If somebody slipped me something in my drink that made me fucked up and do something stupid, no one would blame me. But it's just because I drank the drug myself. Is that why? Yeah, I mean, it's both. Because I drank the poison? It's both.

Because I drank the potion? I've been drunk. Is it my fault for drinking the potion? Yeah, it is. I don't really know my limits sometimes. So I had some extra sips of the potion and it made me do something dumb. That's not on me. That's the weakest thing i've ever heard you

no no no it was me but what i did was have a few drinks so you can't blame me yes i can yes no you fucked up it's so wrong i've never disagreed with you more i think you think when you get drunk that gives you carte blanche access to do whatever you want? I think it makes me a different person. I think when I'm drunk, I'm a different person. Sure, I think so too. But I don't think.

There you go. I'm under the influence. Holy shit, I'm going to punch you. They call it under the influence of alcohol. That means alcohol is influencing my decisions. This is how dumb that sounds to me. It's like if you get pulled over drunk because you hit someone, you'd be like, I don't know what happened. I was drunk.

I didn't hit him sober. I was drunk when I did it. Isn't that fine? You know what? Yeah, I guess it is fine because you were drunk. No, you shouldn't ever get in the car. But that's the thing. What are you talking about?

That's what you're saying. You said you get drunk and you hook up with someone else. You're making it too real. It's making out versus fucking drunk driving. It's cheating on someone. Yeah, dude. But yes, I'm not saying it's good. I'm just saying alcohol fucking drunk driving. It's cheating on someone. Yeah, dude. But that's – yes, I'm not saying it's good. I'm just saying alcohol –

You're saying it's a valid excuse. See, right now I'm sober. I'm like, oh my god, it's so stupid to drive drunk. So stupid to like cheat on your girlfriend. But give me like four shots of whiskey and I'd be like, yo, I'll drive any car. I'll make out with anybody. Well, that's not true. Well, that's not true.

Like nine shots. Yeah, right. Okay. car i'll make out with anybody well that's not true like nine shots yeah right okay well the thing is i have good friends that wouldn't let me do anything that that that that is so dumb i mean drinking and driving is a whole other level of dumb because you're actually endangering people's lives rather than just emotionally ruining someone else's lives but uh if if if you get drunk and cheat on your girlfriend saying that you got drunk is not a valid excuse yes it is so you think someone can't get if you cheated on your girlfriend when you were drunk she doesn't have the right to get mad at you no she does because you got drunk and you did and you did

something stupid but it's but you don't think that but you don't think that tells something about like i feel like you don't think that's a tell if i had a girlfriend if i had a girlfriend and she cheated on me and she was like i I was blackout drunk, I would be like way, way more. I mean, I'd dump her immediately. Don't get me wrong. It's a valid excuse. I'm not saying – I'm just saying I would be less upset. You are saying it's a valid excuse.

I'd be less upset if she was drunk than if she was stone sober. Okay, sure. She coherently made – or consciously made a decision to cheat on me. Well, she consciously made a decision to get wasted and then didn't give a shit if she cheated on you. Yeah, that's dangerous too. But I'm saying when I'm wasted... By the way, you're never so wasted that you have zero regard for anything.

Yes, I do. No. In Iceland. In Iceland, I was so drunk. I made out with three different people and I don't even remember doing it. Would you have made out with your brother? My brother told me that I did. Would you have made out with your brother? Maybe I did. I don't fucking remember doing it. Would you have made out with your brother? My brother told me that I did.

Would you have made out with your brother? Maybe I did. I don't fucking remember anything. Would you have sex with one of your siblings if you were that drunk? All right, that's absolutely enough. If you have zero regard. Disgusting. Zero regard.

You stop it. No, there's like animal instincts inside your body that prevent you from doing that. Oh, so there we go. Animal instincts inside of your body. So there is a flicker of logic that's still left even after you're drunk this is insane you know i've been very drunk and i've never cheated on someone how would you explain that you think i've just never blacked out have you ever blacked out yeah when in iceland you black yeah and you made out with my brother uh but there are i you think i've just

never been as drunk as you or you think deep down inside my animal person is better than yours um your animal person is different than mine is that better or worse yes better does that make you inherently a better person than i am of course yeah but but does that bother me yes i think you're using but incorrectly am i gonna do everything in my power to change yes of course but is that but is that change possible yeah so you're saying regardless of how much you're it like if you get married

one day you'll just stop drinking because once you have four to nine drinks you are you are literally incapable I'm a danger to myself and others in society and i think if i i'm such an asshole such a bad guy that you're if i had a wife a wife for 10 years and i and she birthed three of my lovely children and and one of them had a little um thing wrong with her uh with with her leg and we had to get her corrective brace and and we loved her the most even though she was on a little crutch you know yeah Molly yeah a little

little Polly yeah little Polly we call her we call her Molly Polly yeah you call her Molly but like one of your other little kids all their color always called her Polly growing up so now you call her Polly and it's like this cute thing. So then I'm at a bar wasted and someone texts me, I will immediately sleep with them. I'll cheat on my wife, ruin everything. So I just need to not ever,

I'm going to give up drinking and texting when I meet my soulmate. Wow. You're at least smart enough to know that you have no willpower. Zero. Zero willpower. Todah.

What went wrong Mama What went wrong mama Why did I turn out like this The way that I am mama Oh mama What has happened to me What has become of me Of the son you knew

Oh mama The little boy with overalls playing in the backyard, mama. Oh, mama. Where is that boy, mama? He goes to raise now, mama. He pops molly pills and tries to finger 22-year-olds, mama. Why is that okay, mama?

I'm scared, mama. Things got trill. Things got trill Things got trill They really did I like talking like a A southerner dying at war Talking about popping Molly bills He's really into MDMA mama

Oh mama Oh mama we broke a bottle of bills and put them in the water mama Oh mama Oh we're listening to Kanye and freaking out mama Oh mama it's a pile of bills and put them in the water mama Oh mama Oh we're listening to Kanye and freaking out mama Oh mama it's a dubstep remix mama I woke up in a new Bugatti mama Oh mama I woke up in a new Bugatti

Mama I love it Toda I love it. Toe-da. I woke up in a new Bugatti, mama. All my friends are rich as fuck, mama. Ooh, yeah. What happened here? Did we give this guy advice?

You say break up with the girlfriend. I say give her another chance. Wow, that was a surprise ending. Do you think he should, but, I mean, knowing who you are, would you want your girlfriend to give you another chance? No, obviously you're just going to do it again. Right. It's tough because, like, in your shoes,

I woke up in a new Bugatti, mama. I would break up with that girl in a heartbeat. But then also as a cheater, I would be like, give me another chance. You live life in your double standard universe. Yeah, that's true. So I guess if I were you, which is the title of the show. The titular line. I would break up with that hoe.

But since I'm her, give her another chance. Come on. She deserves it. She didn't do anything that bad. She was drunk. You get that, right? But if she even looks at another guy, you dump that hoe. Because how dare she hold herself to the same standard that I hold myself. You put that hoe on blast.

You do him. Him do you. Him do you. All right. Let's break it up. Last chance to promote 20 jeans before the holidays. Oh, my goodness. 20 jeans.

I'm wearing a new pair of 20 jeans right now. Yeah, they're our favorite. Sorry, I shouldn't say favorite, but they're one of our favorite sponsors. One, because they've been with us since day one. I still die with my day ones. They have an awesome product. They have super affordable, high quality clothes.

And then they also, in addition to that, send us some free schwag. Yo, my schwag on point right now. Jeans on deck. What is 20jeans.com? They basically started with the premise that they sell jeans for $20. Jeans should not cost a lot of money, and they do. And there's no real reason for it other than greedy companies marking up their denim legs.

Get off here. Get off here. Get off your ivory. Write the elevator down from this ivory tower? These companies are bleeding us dry. You look at it on a macroeconomic level, and these prices are absolutely eye-gouging. Their jeans are great and cheap, though. And they also have other articles of clothing that are also super affordable, super comfortable, super classy, and super awesome looking.

So please check out 20jeans.com for yourself or for somebody else for the holidays. It's a great gift option. We get a lot of questions about what should I get people. And people like awesome, trendy, cool clothes. That's true. And this is a great way to do it without breaking the bank. That being said, I can afford very nice clothes i'm small what petty i'm doing very all right for myself your dad wrote you a check last night i saw it yeah and you looked at it you said this isn't enough i guess because it was hanukkah and thanksgiving and it was just

a hanukkah gift oh my god you don't get a thanksgiving i do get a thanksgiving gift you i absolutely do get a Thanksgiving gift. I absolutely do get a Thanksgiving gift. Oh my goodness. I was here at your house over the summer and you said I get an August 2nd gift. Yeah. What is that? It's Boxing Day. Loser.

It's Administrative Assistant Appreciation Day, actually. And whether it's a Hallmark or a real holiday, I get paid. But if you're not spoiled rotten, you can still check out 20jeans.com for some super affordable clothes. That's that. Anything else you wanted to bring up on this breaky break? Not really.

You're going home tomorrow? Yeah. You haven't been home in quite a minute. It's been a long time. Yeah. I'm going to go see my mama. Yeah. And my daddy. to go see my mama. Yeah.

And my daddy. My mommy and my daddy. And my sisters and my brother. Yeah. And that'll be nice. Yeah. I like my family. But there's no girls at home.

What are you going to do? I'm going to... Are you going to take a mental break? 1A, take a mental break. That would be the best. I just sleep, rest, go to the gym. I'm going to start climbing again. Wow. You're going to get your life back on track.

Yeah. Start eating healthy. Be the person that I see in my mind when I shut my eyes. The person that you want to be in the morning, not at night. Yeah. Option number two to be is I just pop on Tinder in New Haven. Oh, see what's what. See what's what. See what's up. See what's up in the Haven. Oh, see what's what. See what's what.

See what's up. See what's up in the Yale scene. That's what's up. I feel like you're going to start doing 1A for a couple days then realize that you need it, the itch. It's still there. Yeah. I mean, that was, oh, fuck.

Yeah. What? I don't want anyone to hear the story that I was about to tell. That way you know it's good. We should do a paid podcast episode where Jake has zero filter rather than this 1% filter that he has. Can you imagine what I'm not saying? Yeah. Yes, I can because I know what you're not saying. i'm gonna tell you is there a story so bad that you

wouldn't even tell me um probably not i appreciate that maybe thank you no probably yeah i'll take that yeah no no your first answer if you had a girlfriend and i hooked up with her i wouldn't tell you i appreciate the full honesty you said probably not and i really do it probably not what probably not true probably not yeah actually definitely not definitely there's nothing you keep between us changing my answer in real time thank you so much it's not even your learning you know like as far as the other way goes, I also definitely won't. Oh, Jesus Christ. Unless there's something that's so bad that I might not tell you.

All right. And I apologize. No, no, no. You don't get that right. What? You don't get the same right that I do. This is such a- For you, it's no holds barred.

And for me, some bars are held, actually. All right. Let's get back to it. Ready? Mm-hmm. This question is written by somebody named Tomato. Of course. Sure.

The hybrid is seeded vegetables or seeded fruit. All fruits have seeds. Let's not even get any more into it than we already have. Yeah, sure. All right, you read this question hey guys been following you guys for a long time and it was time to ask a question i met this girl on facebook because she goes to a university near me this was six months ago we hit it off and we texted each other over the last period of high school in summer after she came moved into her

dorm i live at home she actually drunk called me at least 20 times for two nights in a row we've met once and i've been trying to escalate this, but she's told me in a heart-to-heart that she has extreme social and trust anxiety because of past people. I don't know what to do now. I really, really care for her, but I guess it won't work with her even though I know she has feelings. Any sort of advice of what to do from here would be awesome.

Thanks, guys. Love you. Best, Tomato. This sounds like this relationship is starting off on the right foot yeah geez no trust issues never meeting uh and or never hanging out never seeing each other in drunk dials drunk dials here's the thing about relationships in the beginning is everyone on their absolute best behavior yeah on the first date is the nicest best you will ever see your partner best and it's also the nicest best you'll

ever portray yourself i'm on my best behavior if they're if this is starting at drunk dialing 20 times for two nights in a row where does it go from there how does it how does it devolve like what's her true self if if her on her best behavior is 20 drunk dials in two nights? Yeah, I don't know. It's also like she's drunk dialed me 20 times for two nights in a row. I thought the rest of the question was just going to be like, how do I stop this? Yeah. How do I escalate it? What do you, excuse you?

You want 40 calls? You want more? This sounds like bad news bears for sure. And yet he wants more. I feel like it's escalated beyond a point of comfort for a certain. You know what his fucking problem is? He loves bad bitches? I think he loves bad bitches.

That's his fucking problem. Jesus. He loves bad bitches. That's his fucking problem. Jesus. He loves bad bitches. That's his fucking problem. Yeah. Yeah, he likes to fuck. Yeah. He's got a fucking problem.

If finding somebody real is your fucking problem, then bring your girl to the crib. Maybe I can solve it. Hey. So this guy maybe. What if he likes crazy girls? Does anybody love crazy girls? You kind of like crazy girls. Yeah.

But this is too crazy for you or you're into it? Into it. into 20 drunk dials and 20 in two nights um i don't know i'm into yeah if there was a girl that you had a crush on the end and slept with yet and she just kept on calling you drunk oh no no no sorry you're right i would no of course not that wouldn't get you into it no i think i like a little crazy i like some i like some hidden crazy i feel like there's also some kind of like spark where like i'll hook up with someone and then only later do I realize, oh, she crazy. Yeah, you like that

like you bite into a slice of pizza and you're like, oh, that's a little spicy but you're not just gonna eat like a fucking habanero pepper. No, no, no. You like that.

I like sriracha not ghost pepper. You know what I mean? And to complete the metaphor, I don't like crazy girls at all and I hate spicy food. Wow, insane. That's weird.

Yeah. Can I tickle your foot? I'd love to tickle your little foot. It's right by my hand down here. Are you ticklish? I'm going to tickle you, actually. Get off of me. I'm going to tickle you this is a funny thing you can do

actually tickle attack what? yeah this is a full blown tickle attack bud you know what would be funny is if a guy and a girl are fighting or a guy and a guy are fighting and then the other guy just like tickles them.

I used to do that. You can't not laugh during a tickle and it's so funny because you're mad but you're also cracking up. Yeah. I have a method for getting over fights. And it's tickling? I used to – well, not tickling. I used to always do this. If you're upset with somebody and you guys are arguing and you're not on the same page, I would just be like, let's just lie down and hug and have the same exact conversation.

But as soon as you're lying down and hugging, or if a girl's lying on my chest and I have my arms around her, it's just like, oh, okay, we're connected. We're in love. We're going to be a little more nice to each other. But when you're sitting across the room just screaming at each other, you never get anything done. So that's the good example of your dichotomy.

It's like you're a monster, but you also have these very genuinely nice, romantic, thoughtful little life hacks. Yeah. I just think about them with so many different people that it makes me bad. So what should we tell this guy? I guess... She has extreme social and trust anxiety.

I will say that you're being nice and not pushing it because you think that she has trust issues. But for her to tell you that she has trust issues means that she wants to trust you. So I think you can just say, I'm someone that you can trust. If you are because if you're not like i would when i whenever a girl says something like that to me i'm like okay i'm i am not trustworthy you shouldn't but so she's like

really opening up and she's uh nervous about trusting you but you can be a support system for her then you should tell her um and i'm gonna give the old if I were you and a lady drunk dialed me 20 times in two nights I'm blocking her fucking phone number yeah she's out of my life well yeah fuck I don't know

maybe there's a reason that she has trust issues maybe like she is sort of crazy and pushes a lot of people away right but if you feel like you want to break down these walls and just try to be with her

then I say fucking go for it, man. Go for it or give up forever. You say tomato, I say tomato, I guess. You say tomato, I say tomato. So we have that in common. Should we get to the last question? Yes. Let's see here.

Oh, this is a good one. Let's call this guy Pizza Fort. Watermelon works, actually. Very nice. Hey, guys. You had an agenda this entire show. Clearly you wanted to get to watermelon. You wouldn't even allow pizza.

As funny as it was. All right. Watermelon writes, I think i'm a couple years older than you guys but jake reminds me of myself when i was in my 20s i was slaying lots of ass getting away with everything married chicks strippers no condoms no problems now i've settled for a few years i met a lady who i love and is beautiful and it's fun to be with and make loads of money she is posh and a diva for her her to keep making all this money, she has to travel a lot. Weeks at a time.

This means my still-strong sex drive gets put on hold weeks at a time. To relieve this pressure when the wife is gone, I have a couple of porn stars I watch and whack to on my iPad. The wife knows this happens and doesn't care. No biggie. Here's the problem. One of my favorite porn stars has become pregnant and stopped making videos for a while. She tweeted a link to her Amazon

wish list for some products that she likes. As a congrats on the baby and a big thanks for keeping me entertained while the wife is gone, would it be okay for me to buy this adult star a gift from her wish list? Something fairly cheap, but nice. I've always enjoyed surprising people with thoughtful gifts, but is this crossing the

line? What would you do in this situation? Do nothing? Discreetly do a kind gesture for this porn star or soon-to-be mother? What would you do in this situation? Would you do nothing or discreetly do a kind gesture for this porn star slash soon-to-be mother? Season the cheese and squeeze in them Ds. Watermelon. Todah watermelon.

Wonderfully worded question. Very nice. And very unique. Yeah, it's interesting. I feel weird when somebody's older Watermelon. Todah watermelon. Wonderfully worded question. Very nice. And very unique. Yeah, it's interesting. I feel weird when somebody's older than us giving advice like you're smarter than we are. Yeah, and it's like his problem is like an awesome problem that I have.

He's like, my wife goes out of town, so I just masturbate and she's fine with it. Oh, that's okay. Yeah, cool. You have an iPad. Neat, sir. Of course it was written from an iPad. No doubt he watches porn on an iPad.

This guy's fucking got his shit together. Amazon wish list for porn stars? That's normal. What is that? Like a tip jar? Yeah, sort of. I don't know. Any porn star's Twitter has a link to an Amazon wish list.

And it's just like, hey, you watched me. Fuck. Clearly you want to impress me. It's like for people who have like crushes on porn stars. When we went to Burning Man with April, she got a bike. Somebody bought her a bike. That's such a weird thing. Like what are the guys that are buying them a bike?

Do they actually just want to say, hey, thanks? Or do they think that it'll help get in somebody's pants? I think that's my problem with this guy's question where it's like – it's a discreet kind gesture. And like if you think you're like me, then I know that there are motivations like deeper than that where it's like you just want to be on this chick's radar. Yeah, maybe she'll see you. Maybe she'll like you. Maybe she like tweets at you thanks and then you respond you're like no problem then she looks at your twitter bio picture and she's like oh this

guy's kind of cute maybe she starts following you maybe you direct message her maybe you guys exchange numbers then you start texting sexting then all of a sudden your wife's out of towns you're on kayak you're flying her into fucking ohio or wherever you live and and all of a sudden you're in love with a porn star, and she's got a goddamn kid. And that's not okay. Oh, my God. You're thinking, that's only thinking 12 hours ahead is the crazy part.

All that happened in the course of a day and a half. Yeah, I don't know. It sounds like you shouldn't do it. I think you should just keep on jerking off to her. Yeah. That way you still get to jerk off to her, but don't uh lose money hey that seems like yeah and your wife won't find out that you bought a fucking blend tech to a porn star i think she wanted some blend tech she wanted a fucking diaper warmer oh no um hey uh watermelon what's this little line item

here you you bought someone a crib what What was that? Oh, yeah. It was a pregnant porn star. Actually. What do you mean? If you must know, you go out of town and I buy gifts for porn stars. What, like to sleep with them? No, no, no. I just go on their Amazon wish list, you know, like a registry,

a baby registry of sorts to this woman that i've sort of masturbated to watching her get fucked and i buy her i buy her a pacifier a set of i think i divorce you what yeah but but but all i did i'm taking my money and you're out on your ass yeah it seems like it's a very it's it's it's risk with no reward. Truth. That's our last question. The end of our forever. We just answered every question we've ever gotten. So we thank you.

Thanks, guys. It's sobering and it is sombering. It's absolutely. And it's macabering. I think it really is. My cock ring is macabering. It's saddening and maddening. This gladdeningabre-ing. Yeah. I think it really is. My cock ring is macabre-ing. Yeah. It's saddening. It's maddening.

This gladdening, fattening. Yo, it's like I can't understand. I'm feeling these emotions and going through the motions. I can't quite explain this roller coaster of full. Yo, I'm in love with a porn star and she's got a kid. Want to raise it from a little guy. Tell he's big. My wife's out of town,

so I'll browse around on Amazon.com. Don't be a clown. We should, I had that idea of getting Shockwave and Lynn to do freestyle raps. We just killed it. They couldn't do a better job than us. What? I think Shockwave is a better beatboxer than this That microphone is so wet now

So this podcast is now a reminder To ask me to have him do that That'll be a fun episode Speaking of episodes, this one is done Peace Thanks so much for listening everybody That email address again, if you want to email us, is ifirewshow at gmail.com.

Still accepting theme song submissions. That awesome one at the beginning was Vince Valentine's. Think you can do better than him? We'd love to hear it. No, seriously, in a non-sarcastic way, we'd actually love to hear your attempts at it. We also don't think you can do better than him. No, we've got some pretty awesome ones.

Prove us wrong. They're all cool. They're all good in their own unique way. But his was the best. Yeah. Vinny Valentine, let's go out. Let's be friends. And this last one,

we're going to end with a different one from a lady named Shirley. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Later. Hey, you. Don't turn it down. Go to iTunes or SoundCloud. These two Jews will give you some advice.

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