Segments - 470: Sex in the Dark (w/Caleb Hearon and Shelby Wolstein!)

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Friends and new Headgum podcasters Caleb and Shelby are on the Zoom discussing hair loss, vegetarians, and having sex in the dark. For more Caleb and Shelby check out KEEPING RECORDS on Headgum!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording

one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Serge, dude. I'm scared of the boogeyman, Serge. I heard a fucking noise, dude. Don't even say it's like the house I'm fucking scared.

Serge, man, let's play fucking peek-a-boo, man. My chick is sending texts to some other dude. And I don't really think i know what to do i'll ask for life advice from these two coy jews all because they're the hosts of if i were you where'd you go serge oh there you are that amused me serge that's it that's the theme song what do you guys think what is Serge okay it's gonna take a lot right no and you're not an idiot it was a running bit for like 18 episodes in 2016 we barely get it now I was thinking about Serge the other night yeah I do is it about the drink uh no it was it's based on an actual guy jake and i met and i don't know how the bit became you just were doing that like weird voice and it was like

i don't know it was like you were a boring child or something you're like yeah i just want to like do crayons with you dude like yeah like a frat boy who's also into kindergarten that's yeah you can hear like hey surge dude let's play peekaboo so like it's like that is the joke so i don't know where you are when i put my hands over your eyes surge yeah i don't have object permanent surge uh so basically i just yeah i thought it was good but i do wish they had kept the line from the original song these chicks all on me like they want to hold hands i think that's nice okay so your guys I thought it was good, but I do wish they had kept the line from the original song, these chicks all on me like they want to hold hands. I think that's very wholesome.

Okay. And it applies to your guys' – I was going to ask you guys, do you know what that was a parody of? But, Caleb, you do know. D12, my band. Nice. Wow. D12. Not just Eminem.

Straight up D12. D12. You guys know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dirty Dozen. That's right. Wow definitely i didn't even

know that really and i'm old well i'm 50 oh wow you look amazing you look incredible for 50 no it goes to my head and he keeps bragging about it it goes to my head i don't have a skincare routine i'm 50 and i look 12 some people just have it like that. Well, before we even introduce our guest, but just know that it's Caleb and Shelby. That was written by Andrew Cook is who it was. It was a My Band Eminem intro monologue, which you wanted to do ever since you heard the Surge episode. And if you end up playing it, I guess plug my Twitter,

which is thecookster9. There you have it. All right. He's wanted to make this song since he first heard the episode, which you said was 2016. Wow. Yeah. Wow. This could be an old email.

Is this a new email? Did he just get around to it, or did you just find it? He sent it two days ago. Okay. All right. He really just got around to it. I love that. Way to fucking follow through.

Caleb, Shelby, friends, lovers, and new HeadGum podcast. Whoa. I don't. So true. Two of those things are true? So true about us. Yeah. Oh, two truths and a lie.

Oh, all three. Three truths and no lies. I see no lies. Hey, Caleb, get rid of one. And then it's just the pictures of us four on a Zoom or something. So get rid of one and then it's just us the pictures of us four on a zoom or something so get rid of one you have to get rid of one get rid of one what just like one of us four right now you can kick us off the fucking podcast oh i'm here he left not a problem at all can we get his screen turned actually left he's the host now he's pacing

little visual gags which is great great for podcasts i don't know if you guys are here for podcast tips and tricks uh but jake and i have been doing this yeah we've been doing it for seven years if you have any uh any need for advice let us know um we guys can take over the surge bit if you guys want. Yeah. That could be yours. Yeah. Anything else that we've sort of cast aside that they can have.

We used to say seize the cheese a lot. So that can be yours. People still yell that at me in the street sometimes. Yeah. Seize the cheese when they see me. Don't stop, by the way. I love it.

Yeah. I think it's cool. Please don't stop. I'll way. I love it. Yeah. I think it's cool. Please don't stop. I'll die inside if someone stops. The Keeping Records podcast, right? That's the title of the show. New show on the HeadGum Network. How many episodes are out?

Let's say this comes out on Monday and five days from now. That would be four. Yeah, we'd have four episodes out. But we've recorded 700. Amazing. So we're really backlogging them yeah we record six a day every day um and that's in case it's good we never get bored yeah so you guys are good for a couple years like a decade i think that's awesome like yeah damn yeah we like

to do it that way we've recorded we haven't put out we've recorded um brock obama release it yeah that was such a fun episode we always you guys got i keep forgetting that we did that you guys got fucking obama that's amazing well we try and release based on when people are in the news so we're gonna release the obama thing when he's always crazy that's why we're putting out he's not gonna do anything crazy that's obama's whole fucking thing right but as soon as he does we have a podcast we recorded candace cameron beer um in what who candace cameron the older sister from and yeah i know candace cameron but what was the b word after what'd you say i think candace yeah pavel beret but you said beer yes

that's her name right yeah i think that's her married name yeah that's that's actually really and then her brother what was his whole deal he's kirk kirk cameron yeah yeah so they're coming out we're doing a joint episode with them so we did did Candace Cameron, Bure, Kirk Cameron, and Barack Obama. Those are three We've done hundreds. But just the ones that are worth talking about are Kirk Cameron, Candace Cameron, Bure, and Barry.

Well, Kirk's always in the news. Barack kind of stays out of things now, but Kirk makes a point of it. The biggest news from Barack lately was that he nailed a three-pointer. That was awesome. He fixed democracy. It swished, and then everything The biggest news from Barack lately was that he nailed a three-pointer. That was awesome. That's what I do. He fixed democracy. It swished, and then everything got better after that.

It was like a fucking... And it hasn't gotten worse since. Insane how it did that. His episode was really boring, though. He went pretty deep on community organizing. Yeah. It was fucking lame. And you called him out on it.

Yeah, because I was like, tell us about Marilyn Monroe. You know, presidents always have a story about Marilyn Monroe. You interrupted at one point. You said, Barry, none of this is usable, right? Didn't you say that to the president? Yeah. Because he was talking about the importance of... Like civility and like...

Civility and understanding your community. Snooze, snooze, snooze. What am I going to do with this? We're here to have fun. It's really important. I mean, we're recording this now as Democracy Burns. Terrorists have taken over the Capitol. And you're sort of poo-pooing the idea of civil liberties,

organization, doing the right thing. You're saying that's like a boring outcome, I guess. I guess that's true, though. And what did Candace Cameron-Bure talk about? That's what I'm really interested in. Oh, my God. Her episode is crazy. Nuclear physics.

Nuclear physics. She's so smart. She's a nuclear physicist. Her brother's into religion, and they do this crazy, I don't want to call it an act, but it's kind of like the magician and his assistant, but she's the magician, he's's the assistant they did a really cool poster for it where they they're standing back to back classic yeah and she has a gun and he and she's but the the act is like she's doing nuclear physics and and he's just right reading scripture but so why is that an act that's not magic oh it works it's like it's like when you line up the record to the Wizard of Oz or whatever.

It's the same thing. The way that they happen. That's a different thing. No, it is. You haven't listened to the podcast yet. You have to listen to the podcast. It makes you believe in God. It'll make so much sense, it's going to blow your mind.

Oh, they did the same episode? Yeah. If you've ever had a really beautiful interaction with a stranger. Never. That's how it was. Well, see, then you wouldn't understand sorry that i mean that sucks for you you've never had a beautiful interaction with no what would i i do my best to myself my headphones are on a hood over my head i'm not

i'm not talking to anybody i'm not even like saying hi to a person who's like serving me i'm just like pointing to the menu and this is like pre-pandemic stuff pandemic that's a really sad way to move through the world yeah anyway i actually just in my opinion um i know everything you say is okay it could be prefaced with that's just your opinion we know that all right uh all right this is an advice show people have been emailing us not knowing that you two are on they just think that me and jake are dispensing our wisdom little do they know caleb and shelby will be here sort of providing an alternative point of view jake and i are pretty

young hip liberal cool little teenage types and then caleb and shelby come in here and we're all for reagan right amir were you a Reagan voter? Not this yeah not this election but I did turn 21 in 88 Yeah Not in this election I mean I'm down I'm cool I'm kosher I'm whatever the kids say

and Caleb and I I feel like we're all in the same wavelength Shelby's also kind of like we're all hip yeah we're all cool kosher hip young dudes living in la i think you were really yeah i'm 46 okay how old are you 42 be shelby's dad 43 my birthday is this month mine too no one's talking about that when what's your what day oh my god what if it's the fucking same are you kidding me with that i'll change it you say first okay it's in the teens oh so too bad well i thought we were too narrow yeah what a fun time you're an aquarius though no i'm not an aquarius are you

is that like the tail end of january are you like the 30th yeah yeah no i'm the 24th that's my dad's birthday that's pretty good don't lie to me don't lie i swear i swear to g i don't know your dad was an aquarius he's not he's a fucking capricorn caleb's lying he's trying to tear us apart because like he knows that aquarian leo's honestly caleb just might not know we have never seen something like this in our democracy the way that amir is lying on the podcast right now i am an aquarius so caleb's a capricarius um amir is a capricorn jake what are you uh leo a leonard then i already know we don't have the same birthday because i'm a gemini you're a tour yeah. You're a Taurus. Yeah. You're a Ford Taurus.

After she said Gemini. Which actually, it brings us to our first sponsorship. Ford Taurus. There's no lag. Yeah. You guys should be able to hear each other very clearly. It's going directly from your mouth to God's ears. Who the hell bent on saying Taurus?

I had my ideas that's the number one rule of improv when you have a good idea do not let it go that's just my opinion alright so Caleb Shelby don't know if you guys know this but these are real emails written by real people we just

need to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity Shelby why don't you give us a fake female name for this female writer? Raquel. That's really cool. Caleb, last name? It's the first one that came to mind.

Can't say why. You said you want me to do the last name? Yeah. Jardinera. Raquel Jardinera. That rocks. Raquel Jardinera. That's awesome. Raquel Jardinera raquel jardinera that rocks raquel jardinera that's awesome mix of jardia and marinara it's it's not what that chicago pepper mix is called

yes that's right raquel jardinera right have your fans make a song about that. I've been. Yeah, they will. Yeah, don't worry. Don't ask them. Don't tempt them. They'll fucking do it. All right.

I swear. Okay. She writes, I've been dating a coworker for the past three months, and she only likes to have sex in pitch black. I've respected her preference and haven't pushed back too hard on the issue, but I want to be able to see something while we're mushing privates. She has expressed that it's because she's self-conscious and doesn't want to see her quote flaws.

I do my best to always compliment her and try to make her feel sexy, but there's little to no progress. Anyway, my question is, how do I get her to be a little bit more comfortable with a little light in the bedroom? Thank you and namaste, love. Raquel Jardinera. Jardinera. Have you guys ever experienced such a thing?

A pure, pitch black sleeping buddy? Slash are you a pitch black sex buddy? I feel like it's almost impossible to be pitch black. Yeah, don't you got a window? Light leak? Yeah, they're blackout curtains. Blackout shades with the... On the inside and outside.

The comforter draped over the window. Yeah, it's a house that's being fumigated. It's absolute... A sensory deprivation chamber to fuck in. Of sorts, yeah. Whoa. Okay. That actually sounds fucking rad. house that's being fumigated it's absolutely a sensory deprivation chamber to fuck yeah okay that actually sounds fucking rad that yeah that sounds crazy and kind of i want to fucking zero gravity that's really cool oh my god that's actually really dope like a vomit comet but instead of vomit it's sex and instead of a comet it it's cum. It's getting laid.

Okay, now I can't stop thinking about fucking in Zero Gravity. Yeah, so cool. Here's my thing about Raquel Jardinera's issue. Two things. Number one, you're getting laid. Be grateful. Number two, you said mushing our parts together. That's what's making her uncomfortable. You're a sex pervert.

That's what's making her uncomfortable. She's uncomfortable because you are saying mushing parts. She's uncomfortable because you are saying she's uncomfortable because you can compliment her as much as you want but once you say mushing private she's not gonna want to see that she's fucking you because what you've done and she may be a coward but you're a sex pervert yeah what's worse that's my what's worse the pervert i think yeah how about this question on a scale of one to a, I like to quantify things like this. One being pitch black, can't see anything. It's a cave. You're five miles below the Earth's surface.

And on the other hand, 100 bright white lights. You're emerging from a cocoon. It's blindingly white. What's the goat number of luminosity for getting it on. 100. Fucking in a CVS. In a goddamn Walgreens. Jake likes to keep it 100.

I want it to look like I'm fucking getting it on in a Ralph's Frozen Food section. I want it to look like the end of Hurt Locker. It's just bright white. I don't mush my parts for anything less. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I'll say zero. Zero. Straight dark. Oh, so you want... You can pretend it's whoever you want if you do it that way. You just accused this person of being a fucking pervert, and now you're just diving right in. Also, I said 1-200.

It's the mush, but it wasn't because... It wasn't the sex in the dark. No, he accused her of being a coward that's right yeah this person's a coward yeah the rock hell's a sex pervert yeah caleb's also a coward i'm a coward okay i'm a coward and if i'm fucking in the dark i can use my imagination to make it even better than it is oh that's cool sometimes it's just me that's awesome yeah so so you're you're you prefer it pitch black what about shelby are you also prefer a little i'm gonna go with a pitch black it feels weird to pick a number that's not zero or a hundred i'll say that like it feels weird to be like 23 yeah

i understand 23 is very nice that's kind of where i'm thinking the low light from the club when you like walk around the corner. You're in the bathroom line. There's a strobe hitting a mirror somewhere. Very low light. Yeah, but I feel like once I say 23, you know I've given it thought and that's what's gross to me.

So I'm like, okay, well, we have to go zero or 100 and at that point I do say zero. The ideal is not thinking about it at all. Yeah, but if you want to know that I did think about it, it was 23. It's what I ended was 23 the number 23 the funniest thing to say would be 69 as you know thank you for coming to my comedy class basically i'm here to put on a clinic finally someone got the right answer what's 69 when are you ever in the brightness of a 69 in terms of lightness

yeah high school class it's a high school classroom end of the day that's good magic hour I'm not saying it's hot I'm just saying that's what the lighting is I'm just saying my mom hasn't picked me up yet and I want to do my geometry homework before she gets here so i can just fucking chill out at home

yeah and the light of that energy is the 69 lighting a teacher 2020 that's what you just described classroom into the day a teacher 12 minute episodes nobody the other thing i was gonna say is like next time next time you're done having sex you like get up to go to the bathroom and you just have to like jack your foot against a nightstand really really bad so it's like this is actually dangerous we can't we can't do this yeah or keep missing keep missing oh that's good and then be like i'm sorry i'm so lost it's so dark and then be like if this is

gonna be good we've gotta look yeah missing like the hole yeah the mushing you can miss the mush that's my knee like oh that's my knee that's my elbow ow one second i can't you just have to start yelling body probably be like oh my god and then like, oh, it's so hard with no light. We need light. Yeah. It doesn't have to be true. I mean, you do need to be able to see something, like a candle. It's like four, four out of 100, five out of 100.

You can at least compromise that. You need to roll something. With a five out of 100, you'll look good. That's like really, really low light. You know, that's like just seeing what you need to see. You can just see contours, yeah, shapes more than anything else anything else that's good why did raquel tell us they were co-workers i'm realizing that that is another component it's really a forbidden thing that like might color our answer yeah that's messy wanted us to know how hot it was yeah have you guys have you guys ever messed with that or um relationship

the co-worker hooking up situation almost exclusively in a way caleb you're blushing my face is beet red i've never been more embarrassed i'm gonna see his feet they're shaking shaking. He's trembling. I'm waking right now. You're just fucking sweating. It's messy. When I worked at Chase Bank, the CEO, David Chase. Whoa. Wow. The guy who fucking made the wire.

Yeah, he's also the CEO of Chase Bank. We fucked around a little bit. That's awesome. In the vault? What's the light like? No, that's not funny. That's a massive security breach. We don't want David to lose his job, do we?

No, we did it at his apartment. He lives in an apartment. Well, when he's fucking the interns yeah it's his fuck pad it seems like yeah the ceo of a bank plus the showrunner of a very successful television show should have at least two homes not a one at least one david simon i think oh is that what it is which who did what did david chase do i feel like he's a he's a tv guy i thought he did the sopropranos. Am I crazy?

Is that what it is? Yeah. No, that makes sense. That's correct. David Chase is Sopranos. What he did was fuck Caleb, and that's the coolest. Yeah, what he did was have really messy sex with Caleb. Let's get that out there.

Yeah, and I don't even want to say how it was messy. Emotional and in the physical sense. Yeah, it was physically messy. A lot of sauce. You keep sort of mentioning it a little bit you say i don't want to get into it i don't want to talk about it that's it that's all i'll say okay so you don't talk about it but suffice it to say it was dessert sauce chocolate kind of stuff you put on sunday you've gotten so specific so that is suffice to say yeah this is all suffice to say whipped cream yeah stuff like that this is just

caleb's opinion by the way yeah david chase might have a different opinion of what happened yeah it might not have been like all opinions are his own buffalo sriracha i mean it just depending on what everyone was in the mood for. You would call sriracha a dessert sauce? No, I'm saying it varied. Sometimes it was dessert sauce. Sometimes it was dinner sauce. A1, Heinz 57.

It was always sauce. Yeah, well, he's a sauce guy. Everyone knows that. I don't want to get into it. What's next? You've gotten so far into it. You told us what kind of sauce you like to fuck with. I don't want to get into it what's next you've gotten so far into it you told us what kind of sauce you like to fuck with yeah i don't want to talk about it yes you do you

definitely do i got it that's enough it's just put on a fucking eye mask or ask to light a candle that's the advice shelby shelby just text me you need to get off the sauce bit this is out of control wow no she actually said you need to get off the sauce bit. This is out of control. Wow. No, she actually said, you need to get off the sauce, because it's obvious you're completely wasted during a fucking really important podcast. Really important podcast. Yeah.

This is all we have this year. This is career changing for us. This is the major. It doesn't get better than this. We're AAA, okay's that's like a banner thing situation that's happening our landlord just sent a triple a card to our house for himself why that's true yeah well i don't think he meant to and then he had to pick it up and it was such a disaster it was a whole thing anyway good for him he. He's AAA gold. He's an optometrist also. So you can see how that happened.

If you guys have any car trouble, call our landlord. Yeah, he'll come pick you up. I love AAA. I'm a big fan of AAA. They're great. Let's take a break so we can thank some sponsors. And we'll be back on the other side of these messages. Nice.

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

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Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Caleb and or Shelby, do you two have any? Oh, it's a lesson. Mom, I'm coming gross they're pointing at each other to see who's gonna go first i'll be happy to go first want me to dive in yeah and say something that everyone on here is too scared to say okay everybody needs to go vegetarian I did it five days ago I'm feeling morally superior yes

five days ago just so you guys know I went vegetarian when I was nine years old and haven't had meat since so this is good that it's coming from Caleb but in fairness she's only nine years and four days old so I've been doing it longer and I look terrible

and you've got 50 years of eating meat, so you know what you're talking about. She got skin like smoked gouda. Yeah, honestly, it's harder for you, Kayla, because you know how good it is. Like, Shelby, you haven't had meat your whole life. It's kind of like cheating or whatever. Oh, I had it.

Not really. What do you know when you were nine? You know everybody My favorite food, you're nine. You know everybody. Yeah. You don't know how to well-aged steak. My favorite food you're asking was lamb. Really? Lamb. High class. That's a refined palate as a nine-year-old.

That is a refined palate. Thank you. Gainy meat. Thank you. She knew what she was doing. I ate chicken nuggets until I was 30. Well, that's on you. That's not.

That's awesome, though. You should have been talking to my dad. I don't know what to tell you. I was. Don't worry. Don't worry about that. Oh, they were talking. Jake and Scott.

They were on the phone. Const constantly i'm better than everybody uh because i haven't eaten meat in a week and everyone else should be doing this too if i have to do it what what was the um what was the motivation what was the impetus to give up meat well i'll tell you what it wasn't. It wasn't animal rights. People whose whole thing in 2021 is animal rights, I cannot believe it. For me, it was... No, you're right. It can't be your whole thing in 2021.

It can't be your number one thing. You can care about it. No one's saying it can't be your whole thing. A part of your thing. A thing, yeah. You can have a thing. But if that's the primary... If it's even the biggest thing thing you need to find god and get some help kirk cameron style right now i don't know would you prefer someone's whole thing be having found god or uh animal rights

between the two i think if you genuinely found god then that would encapsulate a bunch of things that actually matter like like human rights. If you genuinely found animal rights, what do we get? A dog lives in a warm house? There's a lot of people that would say they genuinely found God that don't give a shit about human rights. Yeah, but they didn't. They're wrong. Wait, so what is it?

I'm in charge of the simulation. What made you give it up then? You clearly don't give a shit about animals. You clearly don't give a shit about humans. You clearly don't give a shit about humans. You don't even like Shelby. So like, what the hell's going on here? I love animals. Okay.

So I... I had food poisoning on New Year's and swore off burgers until now. No, here's the real deal. Okay, I've been doing a bit. I mean, I've been being a little obnoxious let me just slow it down and be honest with you guys thank you shelby's a vegetarian she can do it should i really look up to her for it because she's she's healthier than i am and i thought look i live with this positive influence she makes incredible vegetarian meals

and then i don't eat them and instead i order you know 20 chicken wings so good and i'm instead now i'm gonna eat i'm gonna eat broccoli and shit like that how's it been going so far he's not eating a single thing i've cooked i hate it it's really bad i'm ordering like thai food with like just the spicy noodles no chicken yeah it sucks that's what i was vegetarian i was vegetarian at one point when I first moved to New York and every single day I just got a huge like eggplant parmesan sandwich you gotta find your little thing that you would

have eaten before anyway and just be like this is great vegetarian alright I'm being healthy now but that's my advice for everybody stop being sinful stop being selfish uh you know stop eating meat and be a vegetarian like me okay so i'm gonna quit this we're recording yeah we're recording this on wednesday by the time this podcast comes out on monday you'll have eaten what

a full turkey a chicken nuggets he's definitely gotten uh you rustic in chicken oh god man you rustic in chicken wings in Los Angeles, California. They know what they're doing over there. I promise you, by the time this podcast drops, I will have gone on a car ride with him to Eurustican to pick up some wings, and they will have given me meat chili. They take care of your boy over there. They continue to give me meat chili.

They have vegan chili. We ask for it. They give me meat chili and, Caleb, the most perfect ask for it. They give me meat chili and Caleb, the most perfect wings he could ever ask for. Yeah, that's awesome. They take care of the kid. All right, now I'm hungry. Shelby, what's your unsolicited?

My advice is if you're lost physically in a space, don't move and your friends will find you. Or your family. That's true. That's pretty good. You're never supposed to move. Because when you're moving, it's like you guys can constantly be missing each other.

Then you're both moving targets. It's like that Scooby-Doo sequence when they go in and out of the doors. So if you lose your friends, you're never going to be in a public place ever again. So this advice is moot. But I was thinking about it earlier because i was watching a show where someone gets lost and then they like go around the city trying to find their friends and it's like why the fuck would you do

that now they're never gonna know where you were because the first place they're gonna look is where they last saw you right that's so though you'll never have to do it again because we live in our homes and only our homes um if ever you are in public and you get lost stay put have you ever been lost separated from your friends and not able to find them yeah tell them well then when i don't know tell jake and amir when well just for context i'm thinking of the time that i really was a moving target and that was in africa right was that what you were thinking yeah okay i was in africa and i thought i was in michigan so i was very lost bless you sorry caleb sneezing caleb sneezing so we have to

pause the pod covid but keep telling your story I don't want this to be about me. That was a fake sneeze. Yeah. He doesn't like when I... Achoo! Oh, God. Are you sick, Caleb? Are you okay? Go ahead.

No, I don't want to do this. Shelby, shut up. I haven't been feeling great, but... Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't want to get into it. Go out and get him something. Chicken wings or something.

Yeah, no problem. This was fun, though. Whatever. In seriousness. No way, come back. Her headphones are off. She walked away from the table. We might not remember to talk about it now.

It's mostly chest congestion, what I've been having, but I am fine. Shelby, your story. You're in Africa. You're in Africa. I don't want to get into it. I'm in Africa. And I will make this short because it is a your story. You're in Africa. You're in Africa. I don't want to get into it. I'm in Africa.

And I will make this short because it is a long story. But I was supposed to – my mom worked at a school in Malawi, and I was volunteering for like a couple weeks. And it was – I went to run an errand, and I couldn't bike back by sundown, which is like the rule. And so the other volunteers got me a bike taxi and then went and got on their bikes. And when they turned around to get on their bikes, he took off with me on the bike and we went the other direction and I was gone for like a day. And I kept going with this guy because I didn't know what else to do.

And it took them a really long time to find me. And then eventually I had to find my way back to the school. And that's, and then I, they were all gone looking for me. I was like, well, I guess I just have to sit here and wait till they all get back. But it does seem like that's almost the move, is go back to the home base. Home base.

Right. If you just sit out there in the middle of nowhere, they might not have found you. Well, if I went back to where we got the bikes. That's possible but if i if i like got off the bike with this guy which i was too scared to do and then was just like i guess i'll stay here yeah that would have been bad because they don't know where that is but i guess like if you're at like a lollapalooza and you're like seeing one show

your friends go you someone gets a water then you can't find them you can't find them you don't know where they are don't go to another stage don't go to where you think they went and got water just stay where you were this whenever me and my friends went to like when we would go to festivals we'd be like we all if we get separated we meet here you know like you gotta have that meeting spot up ahead of time so i guess that is a home base huh maybe maybe i changed my advice to have a home base always, no matter what, always.

But then it has to be in Malawi. Go to the home base early. Like, you know, you could be like where no one's here. I have to go to home base. But like, if you just stood there for five more minutes,

you know, like maybe, maybe they'll find you there. Maybe they'll find you there. Yeah. I mean, your home base always has to be in Malawi. That seems like,

yeah, it's not practical. Like, okay, I'm, I'm at the fucking mall and I lost my dad and now i have to fly to malawi and hope that he'll find you at the school did i say malawi or did you just know that i guessed it so yeah okay you did not guess it she said it it's my favorite yeah place in africa proper i think it's malawi really where is it on that's awesome Malawi. Really? Where is it? That's awesome.

Like on a map? Yeah, where is it on the map? It's right there in the middle-ish. Right where? It's like near... You say the middle-ish? You said you're committing to middle-ish? Does it touch water?

Is it on the coast or is it landlocked? You better believe. It touches some water for sure. I don't know if it touches any water. This is actually as close to correct as a mirror's been because Lake Malawi is in Malawi. Oh yeah i mean there's there's lake there's lake malawi which is where i spent every summer growing up and then there's like a bunch of like that's crazy summer yeah we used to like

get a lake house in malawi and like just that was our that was summer malawi yeah you'd have us like it sounds super fucked up. Yeah. It was. Sounds like something was going on. Because it was just me. It was just me that my parents would sort of flick me towards. Yeah. Just like sort of walk me onto an airplane headed towards Malawi.

He used to be able to do that. Do you guys remember? Yeah. This was before 9-11. You guys weren't born yet. Everyone used to be cool about shit like. Do you guys remember? This was before 9-11. You guys weren't born yet. Everyone used to be cool about shit like that. That's when people dressed up for a flight. Yes, exactly.

I used to wear a zoot suit at age 8 and had to have it bring up for the summer. A fedora and a clove cigarette. If a 9-year-old, let me tell you, if a 9-year-old in a zoot suit gets on any plane I'm on, I'm deplaning. That's a terrorist?

That's someone that's being used? Let me be clear. If a nine-year-old in a zoot suit smoking a clove gets on a plane I'm on, I'm asking to switch seats with whoever his seatmate is. I want to know the kid. Ew. I want to become his friend. You want to be best pals with the kid?

Absolutely. You have to admit, it's the kid? Absolutely. Weird. You have to admit, it's weird. If a kid in a fancy suit gets on and you go up to their seat partner and go, can I please show you? Please. No fucking way. This is my kid.

As in that's your son? That's weird. Shelby starts crying. You don't know how bad I fucking need this. Please. I don't know. At that point, someone might think I like... Was it weird ass? Yeah.

No. It almost went so dark. I've chosen not to. How about this for unsolicited advice? Listen to your new HeadGum podcast. What can you tell us about keeping record? Let's talk about it. Wow.

Very nice. I know Jake and I are in an episode that should be online you guys didn't tell us we were gonna have yeah okay if you want jake can pitch it for you as a quick elevator pitch you got when this what we're doing now comes out your episode of keeping records will be out great that's so true it comes out that's great it comes out our episodes Friday. Our episodes come out every Friday. It's basically a podcast. If you guys are listening right now, let me just be real with you for a second. Can we just tell them what the podcast is about?

Let's cut through the noise. Let's tone down the rhetoric. Let's just be real with you guys. Chip away at the bullshit. Let's reach across the aisle. And let's trim the fat and just get to the meat of the issue, which is? Let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? Which is, in 1977, NASA sent the Golden Records up to space.

Voyager 1 and Voyager 2. And on it, Caleb Tal, the mom was on it. They put, I mean, God, you can't even, guys, images, sounds, songs from Earth, anything that aliens might find. Greetings in different languages. A message from President Jimmy Carter, who famously didn't bother anybody. Sold his peanut farm to be president. Didn't want to look like he was conflicted.

And that was all on the original records. And the idea was that if the aliens, the aliens, any aliens ever found it, they would understand what life was like on Earth. Straight, queer, purple polka dots, doesn't matter. Any aliens can understand life on Earth. That's what we said. Well, that's what they said, NASA. Right, in 1977. So anyway, we're doing a podcast now where we examine what's on the original records

and then we have on friends. And we just talk about what they would put on new records if we sent them into space today. Because let's be clear. Some of the stuff on the original record is a little outdated. And we're being cute when we say friends. I mean, some of the people are our friends. But some of them are world leaders, foreign dignitaries, celebrities.

Some of them are so much cooler than us. But also some of them are. Brock. Brock Cameron. And yeah, between me and Jake and your other friends, you got three, four episodes on right now? Something like that. Yes, you're the Jake and your other friends. You got three, four episodes on right now? Something like that. Yes, here's the fourth episode. Hell yeah.

Jake and Amir's episode, we solve the JonBenet Ramsey case. That's so true. So you guys got to tune in. Yeah, that was fun. We told the news not to publicize it until the podcast goes live. We have that kind of pull on the podcast. It was almost like a random accident. We stumbled upon kind of a written evidence confession it was so yeah

bizarre like made a joke and then googled something and when we googled it we found like this it was so weird it's like an ftp of all this evidence yeah he's running an instagram account where he pretty much owns up to it so he feels really bad though for what it's worth but we get into that you'll have to listen because you'll get it. It's like you can't hold him accountable now because he really was so young and he tried so hard. You're curious. You were on it. He tried so hard.

Yeah, but I browned out, so I'm wondering what the fuck happened and why. Sweet, yes. He tried so hard. Great new podcast. Thank you so much for having us on. Thanks for being part of HeadGum. And if you guys are digging this episode, you'll the keeping records podcast check it out um we got one more question from another lady caleb why don't you give this one a fake name so that we can refer

to her as something a little silly glamantha huh what glamantha it's a mix between glamour and samantha glamantha okay last name shelby cattrall glamantha cattrall come on down so kim cattrall's wacky sister glamantha cattrall well kim cattrall's character was samantha she was glamorous glamantha cattrall really we're on the same page it's very well around okay thank you glamantha writes my husband and i have been married for years and he is the goat when he was younger he had very thick hair and as he has gotten older it's starting to thin out i can see it starting to get more self-conscious about it he is starting to get more self-conscious about it by how he's been styling it. I don't have a problem if he goes bald, but I know this used to be a source of pride for him. I know that there are treatments we can

get, shout out to Keeps, but I do not want him to think that I think he should get it done and thus feel more self-conscious about it. So is there any way I can bring it up to him while making sure he doesn't feel uncomfortable at all? Thank you. Love, Glamanta. Look, you obviously want him to get it done. I mean, you're not like agonizing, sending out letters to Jake and Amir. Glammy, bring it up. It's going to be fine.

Yeah, nobody ever writes a letter to anybody else because they're worried about someone else feeling any type of way. Even if your husband is a goat, you know you might. Your husband's a goat. You don't sit down to pen a letter. You don't sit down to pen a letter unless it's eating your heart. Yeah. You don't sit down to pen a letter.

Let me start there. And this was a handwritten letter. This came our po box right uh everyone here has pretty good hair but do you guys have plans if things go south caleb you gotta you got a thick full head are you assuming that that sticks around forever or do you have a history god no he talks about it all the time i literally every day to shelby i'm like do you think i'm balding because my hair is i want it to stay i would get that laser treatment where they try to make it grow back and i would have no shame about it i would tell people yeah i think i would so okay i don't know about that one that's not the transplant one right that's uh that's a different situation no i think this is what lebron first tried but lebron you really shouldn't be that

rich and talented and not have hair. And he's trying. He wants it. I mean, whatever he did worked. Yeah. It's working. Well, the thing is, if you're LeBron at that point, just stop. But it's embarrassing that we saw the journey. Do you know what I mean? The headband started moving further and further back.

Did the same thing where it was like, no, we saw you losing your hair when it came back. We knew what you did. You're too big to do that undercover yeah that's the that's the thing you got to keep it so like am i if i haven't started yet do i should i just fucking go full throttle right now and start taking medication just to sustain this but i'm sort of taking a risk because there's side effects and maybe it'll be naturally fine-ish enough that i won't have to so i don't know i think i mean you're don't they do like those serums for men now like hymns or whatever where you do the droppies and then it's like there's no side effect you're just kind of yeah that feels like snake oil yeah that seems fake and

anything that you can just rub into your head and say your hair will come back it feels like oh if you you got to see my collection of hair oils wow you'll say a different You'll sing a different tune. Wow. Another thing that Glow Mantha needs to consider is that look, for example, if your husband is physically cut, built, hot body, doesn't matter. Doesn't need hair. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. The Rock. And you don't even have to be hot. Michael Chiklis. Normal, average looking dude. Bruce Willis. They look great both. Is Bruce Willis okay? Is he like a good guy? Do we know?

I feel weird. He seems fine. Remember at the beginning of quarantine when it came out that he was like quarantining with Demi Moore and his current wife was like, I love it. They were like, we're going to be a family. Yeah. Wow. I didn't make this up, I don't think.

I think I'm just scared that he has, I was scared that I brought up Bruce Willis like, there's Bruce Willis. And then he was just like a really bad guy and everyone's like why was she any like old white male celebrity seems like that could easily be a thing yeah and i think i get bruce willis this is not fair to bruce willis but i get him confused with mel gibson a lot right and mel gibson is like a certifiably bad guy he's a he's on the on the record bad guy yeah he's like he's like i tell you i'm a bad guy bad guy can't take his hair from him even if you want to from him that's true actually although there is something awesome about a bald like a bald white guy it's like you can't i've already shaved it and i look good that's it like i've beaten it that seems like the best place to end

up i just think if he's not bringing it up glamantha why are you bringing it up to him i think that's what's confusing me she's asking how can we bring this up to him and it's like well let him come to you he is styling it differently he is clearly insecure but he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's actually balding and doesn't want to do something and like i think some glamantha excuse me glamantha thank you not saying anything is letting him continue to live the lie that like no one notices but me okay poisonous food poisonous food but in a good way in a good way with the like rogaine or something poison him with food yeah kill him kill him what'd that woman do when she put uh like uh what is it that tastes like

gatorade that woman killed her husband It was like antifreeze. Yeah, kill him. If you don't want him to be bald, you gotta kill him. Husband. Was it boyfriend or husband? My husband is the goat. Husband, fuck it. If you have a husband, if you guys are married,

you can sit down and talk about anything. You better be able to. Put the stuff in the food. Put the meds in the food. Don't say a word. You sit down and be like, you're losing your hair. Are you okay with that?

I think this is what the Phantom Thread was about. Vaguely. Don't say a word. You sit down and be like, you're losing your hair. Are you okay with that? I think this is what the Phantom Spread was about. Vaguely. I don't fully remember, but I really think that's the exact plot. Wrap up a hair pill and a cold cut once a day. Like you're treating a dog. He starts spitting it out

like my dogs used to. He sniffs it out for sure really sad face i got to the turkey here's your fucking pill put it in a little blob of peanut butter if he wants if he wants your support i'm sure he'll bring it up the thing is it's going to happen eventually he just thinks that he's the only one that notices but if you notice him noticing then you should just be like i notice and then he's and then he then like he can come clean it's not like he's having an affair he's just like going through an insecurity that would probably be better for him to talk about with you okay but you're him she's been secretly putting hair growing meds in your

food all of a sudden your hair is coming back don't you kind of feel superhuman oh interesting wow you're like wait i beat it and i never had to say a word. She's sneaking in and it's working. I never thought about that. Yeah. And he's like, holy shit. I never had to address this. I felt so shitty about it. And I'm Zeus.

He thinks he's Benjamin Button. And then he gives all of his friends advice who are also going bald and doing a comb over. Yeah, he's like, you have to style it a little differently. You just have to have cold cuts every single morning. Okay just like roll the hand and a good attitude have a good attitude about it fed to you by your wife also another solution is shave his head while he's sleeping and then when he wakes up sit him down and explain to him you know look a bunch of people you see in a day wouldn't know if you were wearing a wig so just start wearing wigs and the people who know you can be cool with it.

Wig, wow. I don't know, I don't think I've ever seen a good toupee. No, they have good ones now. They do. Toupee's an old man thing. They have young man's, like, styled wigs now. My dad is... Isn't that a wig, Caleb?

That looks great. Mine? Yeah, that looks natural. Yeah, it looks great. It's not going anywhere and you have born with no hair on my body yeah caleb does shower in his tupac wow you even did like the five o'clock shadow uh tupac people buy it more yeah i put on eyebrows eyelashes yeah i did some pubes i'm not scared to tell you guys that i did some pubes sometimes he turns on the razor

just to make it sound like he still shaves. He just runs it in the bathroom for a little bit. What's the name of a... There's a word for a pubic beard, and I can't think of it right now. Do you guys know what it is? It's like a monk or a mink or something like that. What? Mink?

Mink is a type of fur. I think about it like a... Is it jerky? Wait, merkin? Yes, merkin. it like a is it jerk wait merkin yes merkin that's right it's a merkin yeah anyway yeah merkin anyway i have that oh i guess a merkin is only a female pubic wig so you can sort of corner the market for the male one and call it i don't know a gherkin oh i guess gherkin is just goes on it's all just goes on its pickle. The mom's pubis. I mean, that's not like male or female. Right.

It should be. This is 2021. We shouldn't be. Look, if you have a mom's pubis. Or a mom's pubis. Nice. Or a dad's pubis. Nice.

Nice. That was awesome. Nice. Whatever, guys. Thank you. All right, cool. Bring it up. Is your husband husband he's the goat he can handle it i guess um don't call him that don't call him the goat we don't like it call him anything you want just don't call him late for dinner nice don't say nice to that we're we're getting silly and it's

time to fucking go i hate when we peak at the end like this caleb shelly uh shelby anything else to promote other than your podcast follow me on social media yeah what are your social media just my full name shelby wolstein great i would also plug shelby social follow at shelby wolstein you can find content about me there that's true I recently posted a group of photos that features almost exclusively Caleb by accident in fact don't follow me at CalebSaysThings on any platforms

I've decided that being followed is gauche so follow Shelby follow Jake and Amir follow our podcast you want all of us to be gauche. Yeah. Yeah. I want you guys to look tacky while I look cool.

Suave. I was about to say suave. It makes no sense. I could tell you were going to say suave. Well, tacky and suave are kind of opposites, but I want to look unaffected. That's cool. Aloof. Yeah.

Cool. All right. Podcast again is Keeping Records. Thank you guys so much for coming on this show and thanks to everybody that's been writing in and sending in their theme songs the email address for anything and everything is ifirereashow at gmail.com more content as

always churning out weekly videos on our patreon patreon.com slash ja the opening theme song um god what was his name anthony no was it andy and cookster nine right on twitter andrew cook andrew cookster nine the cook that was the cookster damn good memory that's actually a really good nose because he immediately followed him yeah he tweeted uh on january 25th of last year to three likes soup takes so long

to eat it's actually bullshit that's really good that's actually really bullshit or bullshit oh it would have been so fucking cool if it was b-o-w-l shit no pun intended and no pun made, really. This closing theme song is Timmy Standuffer, which is an original song that he wrote. So thank you to that. We can shout out his music, which is on Spotify, SoundCloud, and Apple under the artist name Timmy, which is, but there's a silent Q in there.

T-I-Q-M-M-Y. Of course. Of course the Q is silent. And you can find him on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, under Timmy as well. And yes, there's a Q in there as well. And yes, it is silent. You can't just make the Q silent. It's not silent.

Big love. Yeah. Thank you. So thank you, Tick Me. And thank you to Caleb and Shelby. And thank you to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody.

I'm admitting to it. I want to drink out of a fucking toilet. It's the only one they host So you better tell everyone that you know Jake got another golden mic in hand Throw him near another turdy where he stands Jeffrey James is there and he's fine I guess I think it would be better if he was under arrest Riley Anspaugh on the Review Review Take Jeff away from here with you

Well that's a different headcount show Right now we're on If I Were You show Why are we like turning this into like this huge fucking witch hunt? This witch hoax It's not a hoax You're saying that you're drinking animatorial You said you're bobbing for nectaree It's a fucking witch hoax.

It really is a witch hoax. If I were you with Jake and Amir You'll wanna listen up right here And send your questions to these two And ask them

what they would do They'll give you some shitty advice They may have to read your question twice you're listening to if I were you

if I were you you I were you. That was a Hiddem original.