Segments - 471: Chef Jake

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

In this episode we discuss cooking, cleaning, and Amir's Birthday.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice.

So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish.

You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number,

so you have to edit it out, okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Jake is on a golden mic streak this month. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Welcome to the show if I were you It's an advice show if I were you Nice! Whoa, I was really settling in for that.

I thought it was going to keep on going. Yeah, he sort of... Why didn't it keep on going? Well, he said that like 30 seconds was probably enough for a theme song since uh you know there's still the entire episode to go so he didn't want to do like a full song parody for it yeah but i mean that was so good that was like better than our show so like it really should have kept on i mean i guess i i could play it again or something no no no you don't need to have to play it again or something. No, no, no. You don't have to play it again. Like, it needs to go on.

We need to hit the chorus. We need to hit the bridge. We need more verses. We can't just, like, loop that. Do you know what that... Do you know what the song it is? Yeah, it's on the tip of my dick, but I don't know the actual...

Yeah. Like, I know the song, but I don't know anything about the song. Yeah, I can hear it really well in my head. It's the song that starts with like, what a jam i yeah i don't know i've never even heard of the outfield but i really know that song and i like yeah what a famous song for me not to know how it goes or who sings it but it's like instantly recognizable yeah like it could have been like a 90s song a 2000 song an 80s song i guess it came out to be 84 85 yeah close yeah all right cool yeah uh well that parody was written 84, 85. Yeah, close. Wow. Yeah. All right, cool. Yeah.

Well, that parody was written by Anderson Reagan, who's been watching us since 2009. If you could shout out my new project, Acid Goth, I've just released an album called Rapid Exponential Growth Machine, streaming everywhere. Thanks so much, and nothing but love. All right. Interesting. P.S. My pronouns are they, them. Oh, shoot. I don't and nothing but love. All right. P.S. My pronouns are they, them. Oh, shoot.

I don't know if I read that too late. I don't know if we referred. I mean, I think you did. So they are releasing a new project called Acid Goth, and it's called Rapid Exponential Growth Machine. So there you have it. Thank you, Anderson Reagan. Yeah, people don't know that you read these emails for the first time live on the day.

I think they imagine that you would like, you know, take that in, internalize it, then present the information. But oftentimes... No. Yeah. You're reading it the first time on the hearing. It's a little more haphazard. Yes. So I apologize to them now that I know.

So there we have it um all right this is a thursday record january 14th episode comes out january 18th jake do you know why that date is so specifically special to me january 18th this is a monday episode very special episode why do you think that is uh it's mlk day which january 18th mlk day yes yes which is yeah important but why specifically that date to me is it so good for me to have it that date to have it come out it's like a gift to me almost man that 118 118 like how august 5th is a big day for you i was gonna say yeah it's close to my half birthday is my half birthday january 5th or february 5th february yeah all right so this is like it's cool i'm talking about the two days yeah i'm not talking about in between i'm not talking about my half or anything i'm talking about like what's that what what's 118 83 um that big day for me 118 it's my birthday that's right that's the day you were born and as it like the anniversary so when it's my birthday

i know you didn't think or that far ahead but I'm sure you have some special little things peppered throughout this episode to make it feel like it's a special day for me. I hope you're not projecting the idea that I'm going to have birthday gifts for you throughout the episode. No, of course not. It's pretty clear just now that I didn't even know that it was your birthday. So we're recording. Yeah, very clear. Your expectations should be rock bottom for me to do anything for me. I'll keep them rock bottom.

Anything for me to do. I mean, don't wink, especially not like that. Especially don't wink. You're blinking and crying. You don't need to frown when you wink. It's just an eye movement. All right, we'll call that the first gift a little tip a trick about how to blink which i appreciate but obviously as long as that could be the gifts i'll give you i'll just give you tips

and advice throughout the episode as a gift from me to you you should get invisalign or something because you you your teeth are really bad is all i was going to say. Yeah. Like Invisalign. You got me something. You got me. No, it's the advice that you should have veneers because your mouth and your smile is bad. And I would wonder, and actually this is why it's a pretty good gift to tell you to get veneers. I think that if you had veneers, your voice would be better because your voice is bad. If you could shave and file your teeth down to tiny little points and then the dentist yeah locks i might get sick if i go to a dentist right now

in your it would be worth it if he locks if the dentist would lock in false teeth in your gums you would have a better mouth and a better smile and maybe a better voice because as it stands that stuff about you is all really bad so happy birthday and that's just like a friendly tip that you get to unwrap live on the episode which is pretty neat yeah um whoa that yeah threw me for a loop but let's see if i can um fuck are you getting choked up i know it's a pretty cool gift because you look up to me and you admire me and i'm giving you some real advice about how to make and i do appreciate your honesty i thought you would get me sorry i was just gonna say not out thought you would get me. Sorry, I was just going to say not outwardly ugly.

Thought you'd get me a watch. Thought you'd get me a watch. Don't believe me, just watch. Hey, hey, hey. But what you did was insult my teeth and my voice. Don't believe me, wristwatch. Don't believe my wristwatch. Because it's broken?

Right, twice a day. All right, you know what? Let's soldier on. This is After All, an advice show, a podcast, the only advice podcast on the web, still hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. Do you know how old I'm turning?

Are you turning 38? That's correct. The big three, eight, three, eight. Wow. How does that one feel?

Pretty fine. 39 will be pretty bad. And if at 40, we're still doing the podcast. I think, I think that's it for me personally. Like that will have meant I haven't done what i need to do in this arena and i will have like it's time for to call it quits um wow as a comedy person a creative

and as a man man so you're giving yourself the deadline of this monday to accomplish everything you want to age 40 i have two years to sort of oh 40 40 get out of here i see yeah you're giving yourself and then by 40 and then yeah if i'm still doing i will be a i will be a boy if I don't do that by 40, 41. Excuse me? I really think I'll just spend my 40s as a fucking child. I'll just call it quits. And I think I will. I think I'll just move somewhere and hire a fucking actor to play my daddy and a child actor to play my kid sister and i will just live off my life

paying people until i'm a little boy and i'm dead i really think i will sorry and i don't even want you to if you can't make it as a comedy writer or performer by 40 your job will be to pay people to act as your family and you'll be a boy that wouldn't be a job that's giving other people you would be an eccentric and you don't have the cash for it i think for as long as i have money until it's gone i will pay people to boy me that decade and then at the end of it i will get like some sort of what accident to happen to me i gotta say man i really hope i really hope it doesn't happen for you because i think the rest of your life as a boy and then dying in an accident hopefully soon after um that sounds like about right you know like i think for your i really

think it'll be like a boy yeah plan boy yeah we're calling it plan boy as i say i will be plan buoyant and i will be 11 until i'm gone at age 40 i didn't want to know how old you're gonna be 11's a weird one it's's a really bad in-between. I don't really remember. Yeah, I don't remember 11, so I'm just going to do it again until I'm done with that, as it were. Yeah. And then you'll be dead by accident. Exactly.

I'll choke on a corn or something. We'll figure it out. As any boy will do. Oh! This one is actually written by not an 11-year-old lady, but a 21-year-old lady. So 10 years older than me as a boy, as a lady. Do we have a 21-year-old's lady name? Do you know any 21-year-olds anymore? Jeff is the youngest guy we know.

Yeah, and even he's 23. Wow. Old as hell. It's funny to imagine he could have like a 12 year old sister jesus yeah that's crazy um okay so let's just assume uh it's jeffrey but a woman at age 21 jerry uh jerry yeah with a g rights so, for context, I'm a lady, 21, and recently moved into a house with two guys who are absolutely wonderful, except for this one little thing. They piss on the floor all around the toilet, so much so that when I go to use it, I have to stretch my legs out completely so as to not get pee-pee on my feet. I don't know how to bring this up to them, as they are 19 and honestly probably don't even notice the revolting acts also judging by the unreal amount of fish sticks being consumed in our household i think

this is the first time they're living away from their parents do i have a family meeting leave a sticky note on the toilet or put down a drop cloth any advice would be greatly appreciated cheers love jerry jerry what's your what are your p habits you're a you're a leave the seat up leave piss on the rim type guy isn't that right yeah when we live together i would just sort of spray it down as it were and if like the next person wanted to deal with it on the day they can sort of figure that out you would sprinkle whilst you tinkled for sure and yeah why do you think actually since i've i have pretty poor aim when it comes to toilet seats is that because your penis is so so um i was just gonna say is it because it's so it's like close to your

body in the way that it's like so i think i have a really long hog and I don't want to get it wet. You have a short dog. I have a small little dick. You have a little nub and it's hard to aim it down. The hole is almost, yeah, the hole feels like a shower nozzle.

It's like it's sprays. It's almost like a nipple. Yeah, I was going to say, it's almost like a nipple. Like, how could you angle that down? And I don't pee as much as I gleek,

if that makes sense. So, instead of a stream, it's almost like a little, a cobra strike. I pee as much as I gleek, if that makes sense. Instead of a stream, it's almost like a little cobra strike. Like I have no aim whatsoever. It goes every which way but down. And it hisses at you. It looks like I'm pissing in... Yeah.

It feels like I'm peeing in zero G, the way it just floats almost aimlessly towards me. Bounce off the wall right onto your chest. Yeah, I've seen it before actually actually i do have bad aim and that's why i prefer to just sit down when i pee because i'm like i don't want to like lift the seat because then i'm touching it i don't want to try to thread the needle with the seat down uh because i'm invariably going to get some on the seat i'm just going to take a seat look at my phone pee get up get out leave the room yeah and i i i'm uh i lift the seat but i kick it up i do with my foot even at home kick it up and then kick it down yeah yeah is that that seems like it's harder than sitting

why not just take a seat i think it's harder to take your pants off and put them back on i mean sometimes if i'm in like sweats i'll i can do that whip them down sit like look at my phone stand up but yeah if i'm wearing i'm wearing regular pants today i'm not gonna put them around my ankles just for a piss i piss too often for that to be a an option for that's true i pee a lot yeah you have a high quantity and i really have a high quality my piss is just like once a day but it's it's or perfect it's the perfect everyone says it's the perfect piss it's been analyzed by a lot of people i heard to a t it's it was it was the perfect urination everyone said everyone said it's a perfect piss to a p to a p um i think that like guys having bad pissing habits is like uh it's it's just enough of a cultural touchstone that

it's not even an uncomfortable conversation to have with these guys it's not like you have to be like hey your breath smells really bad or like yeah you left a skid mark on the back of the seat which is like really gross it's like i'm living with guys you guys are pissing on the floor you're pissing on the seat that's not gonna stand they're gonna have this conversation at some point in their lives they're eventually um someone will yell at them whether it's you another roommate whether it's a significant other someday it's gonna happen so you might as well break the seal and just be like this this cannot stand and you cannot stand anymore you should almost require them to do my special which is the the sit and pee yeah and you can take the door off the hinges so you can watch to make sure

that they're sitting while they pee yeah or a ring camera or something that's right a taser on a rope it seems like if they're missing the the seat entirely it's landing on the floor that's like a that's next level that's egregious like i can understand lifting the seat and leaving some on the rim that happens to get there there's a lot of ways to make a mess bad leaving it on the floor if you have too strong of a stream it can splash out i mean you really yeah even when you lift the seat you'll often have to wipe but i think that at the very least one of the nicer things about lifting this the seat is if there's like the tiniest little dribbles, you can be like, I'm going to get those when they accumulate. You lower the seat and that'll cover them up because no lady you live with is lifting the seat.

That's just for your private little viewing area. So what's your success rate with regards to having to wipe after? Is that happening 20% of the time, 50% of the time? I think probably maybe 10% to 15% of the time. It's low. And usually when it happens is when I have to pee really bad. And I'm sort of starting to pee when I take my dick out. I've been in a situation where the spray was bad.

Where it was like I needed to it wasn't true i've pissed on a wall before yeah it starts off errant and then sort of it it zeroes in on the toilet as you pee the real word like if if you're lucky you could just do like a casual like roll a toilet paper you wipe the seat you wash your hands no big deal it's really no big deal um yeah but what's what's really bad i've like i've done like looked at my phone and realized i was pissing against the rim like splashing like puddling on the floor yeah because you're so fucking engrossed you're like on parlor pissing and it's like it's not even hitting the toilet it's like almost it's yeah it doesn't make aossed you're like on parlor pissing and it's like it's not even hitting the toilet

it's like almost it's yeah it doesn't make a noise because you're hitting the toilet paper it's hard to plan a coup and also pee true at the same time it's hard to coup while poo so you have to like focus on one thing or the other yeah I took a number of coup. That's when I planned to storm the Capitol while having diarrhea at the same time. Did you notice the detail that you left in where it said the amount of fish sticks being consumed in the household? This is their first time living away from their parents. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I recently, I had fish sticks, I want to say, maybe for the first time in my life recently.

And like frozen ones? Yeah, frozen little fish. They weren't stick, they're almost like nuggets. Because I didn't really eat fish growing up. Right. But my parents had random frozen food. And my mom was like, just take the stuff, I'm never going to get to it. And one of it was frozen fish nuggets.

And I tried it the other day. Because now'm eating fish but i'm an adult so i rarely get the fish nuggets right i still can't get fully behind it because my brain is still expecting chicken yeah and it just tastes like spoiled chicken nuggets almost like it's hard for me to get behind the filet-o-fish of of it all. There's a weird little tang to them. I can get into it, but it's a little weird. I'll tell you what, though. I made some homemade fish sticks, like a fish and chips style fish stick. So you were battering, frying, and doing all that stuff yourself?

Yeah. Yeah. It was delicious. That was good. What fish did you use? I used a cod. I believe it was a cod. Oh my God, it was a cod.

Or it might have been a cake, for goodness sake. Did you deep fry it or bake it? I baked this one. So it was like bread, egg, like egg yolk, breadcrumbs, maybe a little flour.

Almost like a schnitzel. I don't know if there was flour if we just baked it. I think it was just egg, egg yolk and breadcrumbs. Yeah. Like breaded and then baked them. And then what'd you, how'd you make the chips of it all?

Or did you not? I didn't do chips with it we did not do chips in fact i cannot quite remember what the side was it might have been no i don't know i can't remember it was over the summer uh i've caught you in a lie haven't i you didn You didn't have the fish. I did. You didn't have the chips. No. It was Jake. I know what you had that day.

It was snapper, and we actually didn't use breadcrumbs. You had salmon. We used Ritz crackers. You had broccoli. And you had corn. Why did I try to lie? I knew I couldn't get away with it. I almost got away with it.

I have every. I was this fucking close was i have all your meals uh anyway should this lady bring it up to her male roommates i'm sure she can decide um the sauce sauce i should have known yeah i think you bring it up and you can bring it up casually and you could just be like you guys are pissing on the floor the thing is they're making the transgression it's not it shouldn't be hard to talk to somebody about correcting their behavior when it's um thoughtless like this yeah 19 year old dudes they don't give a shit you can't offend them just let them know this is fucking gross right you are your feet are firmly planted on the right side of history here what's the alternative they're like it's okay to

piss on the floor i wonder if this you don't have to work i would bet this 21 year old lady didn't have any brothers growing up because she's like afraid to how to talk to these monsters these little monsters so well feel free to talk to them and let us know if you have any brothers if i was right about that by the way also if you know that any of them have sisters uh or moms that are around uh you can bet that they've heard this about the piss on the floor before so it's not even like you'll be like giving them a big reality check like they might just be like i live on my own now i can piss wherever i want um but they'll come around they'll come around um all right uh cool let's take a break thanks some sponsors and we'll

be back on the other side of these messages thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

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Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any... Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. i do you want to know something i started doing recently yes i am a chef now really yeah i didn't just start cooking i started becoming a chef and so the difference between those two is what like i cooked before when i had to when i

felt like it's really my turn like uh i and i'd just throw a bunch of like you know you make a stir fry or something you like uh kept it easy yeah a bunch of vegetables some sauce that's that's it the easy easy stuff that you really can't mess up uh toss like uh eggs hot dogs yeah easy quesadilla in a microwave a veggie burger well yeah i'm trying to step it up slightly more than like if it was just me yeah i used like when i was living on my own i would just like eat annie's macaroni and cheese with Doritos as a spoon. Like that shit. That was the goat. That was the goat. But then like a couple months,

maybe like a month and a half ago, I was like talking to my, my brother and Jill and like over a quarantine, I just like really, really like lost my desire to cook. Like if it were up to me, I'd like rather just order food um jill likes cooking so she would like most of the time cook like everything and i'd be recording whatever um but

then i was like talking to them i was like you know what i think i'm just like the cooking's not me i don't like it i'm not going to do it like if it's my like, if Jill doesn't want to cook, like, I'll happily order us food. And everybody got kind of, like, sad at me. And then, wait, who got sad at you? Micah got sad at me. Jill got sad at me. Everybody was sort of like, well, cooking's not, it's like, you know, it's not just about, like, your pleasure. It's, like, providing for other people.

You're on the Domino's app? Yeah, no no for sure did you guys want sausage and mushroom or i was really thinking of it almost as like you know that pete holmes joke where he's just like um i'm like old enough to admit that i don't like museums it was kind of like that right it's like you know what yeah it's like you know what i tried it i'm now in my 30s i could be an adult and just say i prefer takeout yeah and i i really did at the time think that that was fine but um as i've been cooking i've one real at the time this is like november this is like six weeks ago and like i'm not saying i don't do anything like Like I, when, when Jill would cook, like I'll do some sous chef stuff. I definitely always cleaned every single dish that she didn't wash while she's cooking.

Cause she's kind of like, uh, good like that. But for the most, like, I'm not saying I was, I would like, you know, like a fifties dad, like I expect dinner on the table or whatever. Um, right. But I just, you would just not be in charge. Yeah. or on the table or whatever. Right. But I just... You would just not be in charge. Yeah. And I wanted as little to do with it as was like, could reasonably be allowed.

And like, if there was any other chore or task to be done in the house, like if Jill's cooking, I'm like, oh, I'll do the laundry. I'll do, I'll like run an errand for us.

Like, I just don't want to do it. Anyway, so everyone got sad at me after that conversation and i like how you say everyone got sad at me like were they mad and you're just trying to soften it disappointed in me like it was like just like a low energy like yeah like that sucks jake and i'm like and i'm taking that position i'm like oh no it's not that bad it's like i'll try to do other stuff they're like yeah like cooking is like um it's like a generous thing to do like and you're saying you don't want to do it like all right um so so i internalized that uh i let it lie and it's like how some people show love is to like feed others and you're just sort of like

drooling while playing a nintendo switch being like yeah yeah whatever that's exactly i don't get it but that's exactly right yeah um so then then i start this is like over christmas and i was like i was watching um i was watching uh parts unknown with anthony bourdain which i've never seen before. Obviously it's a universally beloved show. Adored. Yeah. And for good reason. So my other unsolicited advice

even if you're not interested in being a chef like me just like watching this show it's incredible. It's so good. I think it came up a bit last week or the week before that you were watching that show.

Oh yeah. Now I call it Tony. I was like I'm gonna watch Tony. I love him. He's such a good guy. What a man. Yeah. Sad that he took watching that show. Oh, yeah. Now I call it Tony. I was like, I'm going to watch Tony. I love him. He's such a good guy. What a man. Yeah. Sad that he took his life now,

and you discover him after the fact. Yeah, it's similar to when I was in seventh grade, like loving Nirvana, like two years after Kurt Cobain had killed himself. I was like, this band's awesome. I wonder when their new CD's going to drop. And my sister was like, he's dead. I was like yeah this band's awesome i wonder when they're like their new cd's gonna drop and my sister was like he's dead i was like no what finding out two years later um so yeah so i was watching tony and he was in mozambique and he was like cooking this

uh or like they were cooking this chicken and it just looked really good so i was like sort of feeling inspired. And then I was like, you know what? I just like had the vision of a meal in my head. And I made macaroni and cheese and salmon using a friend of my mom's. With Doritos. I mean, it was pretty childish, but it came out really well. And everybody, I think because I had recently said I wasn't into cooking and because I never do it. And because it came out pretty good, but everybody was just so, so supportive, like extra, like this is really good.

Everyone was really proud of me from sad sad to proud of me and it made me feel did you like look up a recipe and go to the grocery store you're like i we have this shit let me just make it we had everything and it was like my mom's friends who my mom's friend's recipe who like bakes everybody like loves claudia's uh baked macaroni and cheese and so i just like texted my mom i got the i got the recipe i added my own two of my own ingredients which were uh i think it was sriracha and salt and doritos um but it came out really well and i just like had a really nice time doing it like had a glass of wine i listened to some music um and this story is getting really long but i'll i'll finish it up with this next part so i was like still glowing from that um and then i was

talking to one of my other sisters who her and her boyfriend play like this game every week she has a globe at her house and they spin the globe, put their finger on the globe and wherever they land, they cook a meal of like that country's cuisine. So I like was texting with her about the mac and cheese. I asked her what country she had spun. She had spun Indonesia. So then the next week I just like made some indonesian food uh while jill was on calls and it came out really good and i had a again had a great time i like and then how

do you make indonesian food like you have to specifically order some shit for that well thankfully um jill's parents are thankfully they ate turkey sandwiches in Indonesia so like that counts and I had like a real cheese they have a Burger King there no Jill's parents I'm learning all sorts of shit about Bali

like they have a Denny's Jill's parents are gone from New York so her and I are staying at their place and they just have everything yeah she's her mom like went

to culinary school so they have I was like oh wow I was like do yeah, she's her mom, like went to culinary school. So they have, I was like, Oh wow. I was like, do you guys have, I forget the exact spice. I like they just, they had every single spice that I could possibly need. Uh, we didn't have to shop for anything. So then that started you off on a journey of culinary adventures and now you're still in the thick of it.

Yeah. Last week I made uh chicken tikka masala french fries my own recipe uh what how so those are fries but with the curry sauce that's right yeah um it was based on a restaurant and how'd you make fries i i peeled a potato uh I cut it into fry shapes. I soaked those French fries in water overnight. The next day, I think I tossed them with some spices. I filled up a pot with vegetable oil. Whoa, you deep fried?

I brought that to a boil oh my god fried the trick there i'll tell you was you toss in the fries you let you let them cook for about five minutes then you remove them doing that in batches and then you do it again so the first time they're kind of just double fried they're cooking yeah that the twice fried potato and then over that i put the chicken tikka masala and it came out great almost like an indian poutine of sorts yeah exactly um which is there's a restaurant in los angeles called badmash that does chicken tikka masala poutine but i took out the the cheese and the gravy because it just seemed like it was a little much. So you're making, is it an everyday thing? Is it like a once a week thing?

What's your cadence now? Every once a week, I make something that's like a little more ambitious. And then like the other with my Indonesian leftovers, I like made a stir fry with eggs on it. That's like the old classic meal. Yeah, just heat it up and add an egg. Yeah. Throw it in a bowl and eat it.

But as I am learning, it's like I can, it's a little easier for me to just like do something. I like feel more comfortable. And also I think cooking used to be, I have only been doing it for a month, but like it used to be very stressful because I did it so infrequently that when I did it, I would be like nervous. And now that I've like done it a few times, I'm like,

Oh, if this comes out bad, that's okay. I'll just cook again tomorrow. Oh, wow. So it's that frequent. You'll,

you'll go back to back if necessary. Yeah. Yeah. I'll go back to back if necessary. Um, do you have photos? Are you cataloging this journey of yours? Uh,

yeah, I'll send you, I'm going to sending this journey of yours? Yeah. I'm going to send you a photo of my Indonesian. Wow. Okay. And then since you're doing the cooking, now has it switched to Jill cleaning the dishes now? So that's my favorite part of cooking food is that somebody else has to clean up.

Yeah, which is incredible. Because you'll leave a fucking destruction in your wake you're not like considerate about that part either so like there's an upside down pan on the floor and you have to say like oh i guess you have to pick it up and it's still really hot yeah i don't even put them in the sink i don't rinse anything um yeah it's i'm a tornado for sure for sure for sure wow how are you getting these these plating ideas like that half the the dome of rice looks like you have to do it very specifically like you're following a very specific recipe or photo uh that's right it was let me see that's rice that's that's quite rice um i want to see if I can find the recipe. Wow.

This looks good. The that's, that's chicken thighs. I take it. That looks like, yeah. Yeah. Dark meat,

boneless, skinless, right? Boneless, skinless chicken thighs. I went with the chicken thighs instead of the, uh, chicken breast.

Cause there are, yeah. Like I just liked the way they, they taste a little bit better. Yeah. Um, that's good. Yeah.

I think I, I got the, like, that was some specific rice dish where they usually shape the rice in, like, a cone with a banana leaf. And I didn't have one. But I did just, I made a little, like, sandcastle with the rice. Wow. That was it. Looks legit. Yeah.

And cilantro. Is that parsley? Yeah, cilantro. Which I literally just found out cilantro and parsley and coriander are all are all the same thing truly uh are they every day no parsley and cilantro are two different things they have looking i my google search right now before we started doing this, is parsley cilantro. Coriander, also known as cilantro in North America, and parsley are herbs from the same botanical family, apiaceae. Oh, interesting.

So they're like, they're sort of, they're cousins, but they got to taste differently. Like I've had parsley, I've had cilantro. They're not the same thing. Look, this is my text to Jillill i said is it do we have cilantro she said yes and i said is it the same as parsley she says it's cilantro and i said really and then she said don't gaslight we got to get to the bottom of this next week i have to figure it out but these sticks look pretty cool how you you skewered them and they look like some sort of matrix on a baking sheet wow yeah that's right i said we skewered them and they look like some sort of matrix on a baking sheet.

Wow. Yeah, that's right. We skewered the chicken for the tikka masala. Any horror stories? Like, did anything come out like underdone or food poison chic or you burnt it by accident? So far, none of these have come out bad, which is really kind of crazy but there was a time every single time as i'm cooking these where i think it's ruined where i'm like oh this is like this is going to be awful but like it's always worked out that's good wow so they went from yeah oh no go ahead i was going to say they went from being sad for you to glad for you really because now they get to they sort of guilted you into being their private chef it seems yeah and i enjoy it i really do i feel like that i feel like that i i feel happy of myself kid

it's so weird to be 35 and happy of yourself but everybody was so happy. Everybody enjoyed the food so much that it really made me glad of myself on the day. You got to start growing your own herbs now. A window garden. Start trimming the basil, the parsley, slash coriander, slash cilantro. Yeah, I guess that could be the next step. As soon as I know what the difference

between all the spices are, I mean, Jesus. Yeah. We actually got a question about cooking and cleaning. So let's see if we can answer it now that we know you're an expert at one of them. Yeah. Okay, here we go. This is from, I think, a lady.

Yes, okay. I don't know, it's a dude. We'll call this guy Tony. Shoutony shout out to tony r.i.p um i have a little problem that's actually grinding my gears my girlfriend and i have been living together for a hot minute now and almost everything is great the only problem is ever since covid i've been responsible for virtually every household chore. Yes, I do the cooking. Yes, I do the cleaning. That's a song that's viral on TikTok.

To be fair, I am currently unemployed because I was a bartender and she is still working. But does that mean it's fair for you and yours truly to do every chore around the house? How do I bring this up to her? Should I bring this up to her? Will she resent me for forcing her to do chores even though i'm basically home 24 7 i'm going a little crazy as evident by me literally emailing a chipmunk if you if you were me what would you guys do love you and be nicer to jeffrey yeah you got to bring it up you got to bring it up just because your girlfriend has a job doesn't mean that she doesn't have to do chores like pre-pandemic when you were

a bartender you guys probably split things up i imagine so yeah but now he's at now she's coming home she worked all day and then he's like all right i'll cook but you still have to clean and she's like maybe uh i did work all day and you didn't work all day. So if you cook and clean, it's still eight hours for me and two hours for you. But it's like, whatever. Yeah. I guess it's like cooking is one thing,

but it's not like she has a job. So gets, and she gets to like inherit like a maid that that's going to cook clean, do the laundry, you know, do all of the housework it's just it ain't right and everybody's going through their own like you know you're dealing with your mental health during this time as well so i don't think that you can like shovel all that work on somebody yeah it's also the resentment Like once you start passive aggressively cleaning, that festers, that grows, that's anger. Yeah, so but how do you bring it up? Hey, by the way, if I cook? oil before sharing it with somebody because then it's like you go in too hot to an argument to be to be like to reach your breaking point and then be like you never do anything i'm fed up is a lot

worse than just like talking about this stuff when it's when it's when the heat's just getting turned up when it's just on its way to a simmer to uh extend the cooking metaphor you got to be like hey i'm getting irked by how much stuff i'm doing not i'm at my fucking wits end here you know yeah you can't yeah like you said you can't let it um sit percolate and explode like a volcano right so i mean i definitely think you address it um and address it as, you know, at its at its base, which is that you want some help with the with the household chores and stuff. Not not like I'm fed up with you not doing jack shit around here because she's also dealing with with stuff probably at work she might be stressed out too nobody's having an easy time so you're saying it is fair to bring it up and you should do so before it's too late yeah pure heart rule you can bring it up but just

all you can expect is that uh you can say the way you feel without projecting any of the things that she's feeling when she's not doing the work. You can't be like, you have it so fucking easy. You know, not like that. Yeah. You know what's good for cooking? And I've recommended this to you before. Is TikTok.

There's a whole subsection of chefs on TikTok that make shit, show you how to make it, and it's stuff that you would never even dream about. I remember in my brief foray into TikTok, chef TikTok and fitness and stretching TikTok were all part of my feed. yeah the dumb thing about this is that it all just happens so fast it's like spice spice spice boil butter over the noodles and it's just like yeah that's not how cooking actually is like i could never watch a tiktok and be like i get how this works now it's it's too it's too quick i need

to look you know i might have like some kind of uh like adhd or something but i need to like look at the written directions maybe at least a dozen times as i'm cooking i think it's just like i'm like learning all of the words right now still. Maybe someday when I'm like comfortable enough in the kitchen, I would be able to watch a TikTok video and be like, oh, cool. That's a good idea. I can take that. But right now I still need like the step-by-step directions. Yeah. And they do do step-by-step directions, but you're right. It goes by really fast. So you have to like watch this 30 second video on repeat i wish you could pause we've tried to make some of the stuff yeah you can't pause yeah that's what i i want to be like okay this that's the step that i'm on pause

and then finish that play but you have to just like watch the same fucking loop but you say you've tried yeah we've made some stuff that's like oh i didn't think about that i'm trying to think about like the last it's usually like like Asian cuisine that we don't necessarily ever consider making. But then it requires us to like order like fish sauce and spices that we never even heard of. And now we have extra. So then it's like, okay, now we can make some more. But there's been some good ones on there. Desserts too.

Yeah, building up like a spice cabinet and like the just like those pantry items that you need to cook different types of cuisine. Because like really it's all the same. Everybody, like every like recipe that I've looked at is like, no one likes rice more than this ethnic group. And it's just like every culture has their rice, you know? Yeah, we all like rice. Everyone likes rice. Sometimes it's just the every every culture has their rice you know it's just yeah we all like rice everyone likes sometimes it's just the different spices in the rices but like rice is pretty universal i like spice i was i'm like looking at a brazilian recipe today it's like oh we brazilians love rice and and then the way they cook it is the exact same way as the Indian rice recipe that I was cooking last week, except with no turmeric.

I'm like, oh, all right. Yeah. Yeah. Or the grain is different. Long rice versus short rice versus rice noodles. That's right. That's rice. That's rice.

All right. Cool. Talk to your partner. I think the answer to both of these questions today have been talk to the person that's making you upset that's the quick and easy answer to most of the stuff yeah and you're not crazy for being annoyed by these things no yeah that's perfectly valid we approve we uh decree that it's normal for you to be upset So you don't have to worry about you being the crazy one. All right. The opening theme song was written by Anderson.

Yes, Anderson. And this closing theme song is written by Oof. I wrote it down and everything. Annie. So thank you to Anderson and thank you to Annie. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, send them to if I were you show at gmail.com. And we're still making weekly videos on our Patreon,

watching old videos, reading some old scripts that we never shot, answering your questions, going over new year's resolutions. There's something for everybody. That's right. We just watched breakfast and breakfast date part yeah wait it's breakfast part two breakfast date either way um an all-time an all-time great yeah where i have a humming noise coming out of my nose for some reason like my nose emits a humming noise uh that's patreon.com slash ja we just crossed 4500 patrons

so join the party before it's too late come on uh annie writes this is a parody of stand out from the disney film a goofy movie inspired by ben schwartz when he was on the show and kept playing this song from this movie huge fan plug my Plug my Instagram, A2ThereToTheZ. What the heck? A2TheRToTheZ. Holy cow. I don't know how to say that any quickly or more succinctly,

but hopefully you guys are writing that down. Hope you like it. Thank you to Annie. Thank you to Anderson. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Ciao. Bye.

I'm admitting to it. I want to drink out of a fucking toilet. Welcome to If I Were You. The only podcast by these two. It's the only one they host. So you better tell everyone that you know. Jay got another golden mic in hand. Throw him near another turdy where he stands.

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It's not a hoax You're saying that you're drinking out of a toilet You said you're bobbing for nectarine It's a fucking witch hoax It really is a witch hoax. It's not a hoax. You're saying that you're drinking an amidoil and using your bobbin for nectaree. It's a fucking witch hoax. It really is a witch hoax. If I were you with Jake and Amir You'd want to listen up right here And send your questions to these two

And ask them what they would do I'll give you some shitty advice they may have to read your question twice you're listening to if I were you if I were

you if I were you that was a Hiddem original