Segments - 472: Valentines Day Gift

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

In this episode we discuss snoozing an email, losing a lover, and using a recipe.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024,

we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No.

You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there.

No, no, no there no no no no if I were you The only advice show Hosted by these two dudes Email in your question if you need a hand And they'll answer the best of them If I were you One of them's a chipmunk The other one's a human

In case it wasn't clear Amir is a chipmunk And Jake Kruitz's a human. Sometimes, you know, things get real. So now it's if you, if we, if they, if I were you. Ask for help if you're down on your luck. Amir likes the Lakers and Jake likes wine. Don't kill yourself inside a Starbucks. Whoa. whoa perfect perfect theme song roll it again we can't follow that shit we can't just do a podcast now why okay it peaked in the first fucking 40 seconds we don't we don't get to just have a show. I'm sorry. The theme song can't eclipse the podcast. That's fucked up. I was happy and now I'm upset. I think that was too good.

That left me with shoes we can't fill. Okay. Do you understand what happened there? I thought it was fun. Like it was a song that you would like that would get you in the mood, but instead it just reversed you. It for a second then the opening act just brought down the house and i i came out and i have stage fright that's not fair that's not the vibe i wanted i'm shy that made me shy it bashful you i'm bashed now uh that was an actual it's a parody what yeah for a reliant k song dedicated to jeffrey james that's it who played the original song as the intro to episode 17 of the head gum podcast there you go yeah i was, I was a reliant K fan, for sure. Okay, it's coming back to me now.

It's called This Week, The Trend. Absolutely nothing to plug, so I guess I'll say my band, which I play bass in, Zombie Sunday, just dropped a new single called The River, and you can find it on Spotify, Apple Music, and oh yeah, SoundCloud. So he does have something to plug.

Okay, yeah, absolutely nothing to plug. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely nothing to plug. So I guess you can just plug this very specific thing that people can go and download, which they should, because that was really good. I liked it. All right. Good work. Thank you, Greg Berg from the band Zombie Sunday. All right.

Speaking of Zombie Sunday, here we are on a Sunday. Yeah. One of our... Happy Sunday, bro. This is a Sunday night night into monday morning recording so it's almost like a live show yeah it's true it's quite true speaking of which we haven't done a live show in a while what better time to announce we're going to do a few shows in some shut down cities we're going to find a way to just pack the house get in there i want to do la chicago

new york that's right yeah and then uh overseas we found that loophole the religious loophole so we're doing we're you and i are gonna do the bar mitzvah tour yeah um we'll be doing our half torahs in chicago and boston yeah uh new orleans austines. Yeah, indoors, grungy. We're going to be in Des Moines. Sweaty, grungy ass. Legally, they're funerals, but officially they're comedy shows. So we have to. Funerals, bar mitzvahs, and weddings.

That's what each one is going to be. Yeah, we have to find. We'll figure it out. I think we have a bris in Boise. Yes. That's not going to be a show though. We're going to figure it out on the day. That's just a bris I have bris in Boise yes that's not going to be a show though that's just a bris I have to attend you're moonlighting as a moil

an Idaho based moil if you can believe it so that'll be the 23rd of July and then from there we'll figure it out I don't know how what else to say it'll be fun it'll be

are you coughing a little where can they buy the tickets online and we should my moyle died mid-circumcision imagine that imagine a moyle so old that he died mid-circ. Yeah, anything topical happen to you this weekend so we can address it and like people feel like they're completely up to date, up to snuff? You know, I'm watching a lot of live sports. So we talk about Man United, their win over Liverpool and the FA cup. I mean, it's crazy to see the champs play and,

and lose in the, I believe it was the fourth round. That rarely happens. Like the title rarely happens. You see that. Yeah. Sometimes, but not usually.

So that was fun. Yeah. That's crazy. And then who ended up getting the, the big goal there, or the assist, the streamer, the striker, the streamer, the screamer. It was a free kick late in the second half by young Bruno Fernandes. God.

Came in with something to prove, a chip on his shoulder, but it turned out to be a ball off the leg. You know i mean just an absolute rocket to the upper corner yeah can you imagine being it's precise imagine being a goalie where you have to sort of launch your body and then like they must practice like all right you're on grass and now launch your body to the top left and you'll land on your rib cage now Now launch your body to the top right. The penalty kick is always, it's like, that's, you know, that's always just kind of like a gimme. It's like sad if they don't hit that, you know?

It's like the goalie's not, there can't really be any, any like real strategy. You have to like stay alert and then like guess at the last second or if like they have a tell, you might be able to get your hands on it. The free kick, I think there's a lot more art to it. Like you've got the people like the wall. You have your teammates strategically blocking the goalies. That's cool. You have like the guy that's lying down behind everyone's feet so you don't go low on the kick.

It's it's really it, it's wild to watch. So it's really fun when those go in because it seems like that's, those things are like the kind of thing you can practice over and over and over. Yeah, were you rooting for anybody specifically? Yeah, I've kind of decided I dislike Liverpool. So I like Man United. Wow, you just, you made that decision without me.

Good to know. Well, you stopped giving a shit about the... Yeah, I still would have liked to weigh in on which club you're no longer actually supporting and which club you don't like at all anymore. So that hurts to hear. It was hard. I always...

I had a soft spot in my heart for Liverpool because I just like the town. But I don't know know it's tough to it's like tough to root for the boston red socks of england you know yeah you mean just the color the red or the fact that they're like partially owned by the red socks oh yeah it's all right both all right no more no more sneak peeks of ours is red too and i like them no more sneak peeks of our premiere podcast you know like we have to save some stuff for the Patreon after all. That's Patreon only.

Will you bring it back? Will you bring it back? I'll bring it back if I actually start watching again. I don't want to fake it until I make it, you know? I have to actually put my heart into it. So for now, I can't promise. Why don't we do it just for the last couple weeks of the FA Cup? Oh, is that happening?

That's not the rest of the Premier League. Is that happening right now? Yeah, the FA Cup is happening right now. Yeah. Okay. And it's late. It's like we're in the fifth round now. So it's most of the Premier League teams that we know.

All right, fine. But you have to, because last I heard that NBC Sports was shutting down their operations. So you have to tell i last i heard that nbc sports was shutting down their operations so you have to tell me how to watch these matches it's espn plus i'll give you my law that's illegal you can watch every single one yeah get him he's right in there i'm using it get him i'm using his illegal zoom link right now okay there was a knock at my door but there's no way that's actually the cops right sorry i just yeah they have no other... No bigger fish to fry. They're coming down the stairs. And I didn't even use the link yet.

I was just told that I could in the future. Just told... There was a goddamn insurrection two weeks ago. They're coming for me? It's a fucking... What's it? Minority report pre-crime, I think. They just heard that it was in play.

Yeah. All right. Let's try to answer some questions. I mean, this is an advice podcast. After all, the only one on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Spent the day with my father.

It was his birthday today. So I feel like I'm in a very sage-wise mood right now. That's nice. I like knowing that yeah happy birthday to darone yeah my goodness remember when we were on the keeping records podcast caleb said his birthday was the 24th and i said oh that's my dad's birthday which stands out it's it's caleb's birthday too so happy birthday to caleb and my dad head gun podcast i think all your dad would want for his birthday is for folks out there to subscribe to caleb's podcast would you say uh no he wanted a hoodie he wanted specifically a

mac weldon hoodie that i got actually this is a funny story i got him i wore a blue mac weldon hoodie around him once and he's like oh i like that sweatshirt i'm like i'll get it for you because his birthday was coming up and i got him they didn't have the blue one so i got him a gray one you'll notice that i'm wearing the gray one now because he won he's like great give me your blue one you can have the new one i'm like uh all right happy birthday it felt weird because i gave him were you wearing the blue one he took it off your back no i brought it literally before i even came over he's like i'd rather have your blue one if that's okay. I'm like, uh, all right,

sure. So now I'm wearing the gift that I gave him today because he just wanted my old ass blue hoodie. So Mack Weldon, if you're listening, we need more blue hoodies. Get on it. Damn.

That's so funny. Uh, all right. Questions about Valentine's day, which is coming up. That's right. Topical. This is a 23-year-old living in Colorado. We'll call him Jamal Murray. I'm a 23-year-old living in Colorado seeking advice about what to do with my girlfriend of nine months,

writes Jamal Murray. You think it's a Jenner? It must be a Jenner. I have already bought her some gifts, candles, bubble bath, bath bombs, but I'm unsure about how to plan the special day. Neither of us feel comfortable eating in restaurants in Denver because of the pandemic. And she lives in an apartment with her nightmare of a roommate who will for sure be home

because of Valentine's Day is on a Sunday. Huh. Why did I think Valentine's Day was always a Thursday? Did I just make that up? It's always the 14th of February, I guess. Yeah, no, you're just not a romantic. If you could help me think of a way to make this holiday special for my lady and seize the cheese for us both, I would be very appreciative.

Go Lakers, go NADPOD, do a live show in Denver, or Eugene where I'm moving for law school uh all right wow i guess we have to brainstorm some covid safe uh valentine's day gifts slash days slash favors okay okay i mean it's in denver it's not hard you do what's wrong with a little a little hike that like are some snowshoeing that's good a little denver's not hard. What's wrong with a little hike or some snowshoeing? That's good. Denver's not that cold. Yeah, you could do some outdoor picnic action.

Or if it's snowing, you do the hike and then you can eat somewhere else that's warm. But where do you go? Because you're inside, outside. How does that work? I mean, a drive. Yeah, a drive. A long drive. That's the move.

Long drive, no hike, or to a hike? I think you could do either one. I think birthdays, to me, are all about thoughtful planning. You don't have to have one perfect gift. You just have to have a cascade of thoughtful things. And it sounds like he already has the gifts so yeah long drive long drive and like every half hour you're in the car a new gift you made a coffee you you made a sandwich you unwrap the what did he say what he got her uh yeah he

said uh candles bubble bath and bath. A lot of bath related. Okay, there you go. I wonder if there's a hot spring you can go to. I think there's a hot spring in Denver. Yeah, I don't know. But like, are these places open? You want to go to a COVID hot spot like that? So it's a bunch of people just sort of- No, a natural hot spring out in the woods.

Chilling out. You can find your own. It's all outside. It's all outside. It's all outside. It's got to be outside. I'm going to check out the weather right now in Denver. Because what if it's like eight degrees? Obviously, this is for Valentine's Day, which is still like three weeks away.

Right. But, you know, I think like in Denver is like the mountain. But you go into Boulderoulder that's that's your shit you've got the you've got the rockies kind of uh blocking all of the the cold weather uh you know it's a little enclave that's cool so you get like a mitsubishi enclave you take it on a long drive. You're sort of surprising her. You set an alarm for every 30 minutes. And then you give her a new gift every 30 minutes. Hey, here's a bath bomb.

Hey, here's a candle. Hey, here's a shrimp toasty. What's a shrimp toasty? I've never heard of that. It's like this weird Australian salad. It's like chicken salad with shrimp on it. Actually, I left it in the back seat. Hold on. Grab the wheel, baby. Oh, fuck. No, the toasty. Suddenly, you guys are flipping

like a fucking slow motion scene in Inception. You land on the roof, the ceiling you're upside down skidding down a fucking a slick ass mountain road and where does the toasty by your side who says no to that that's the fucking goat romantic move are you still doing romantic stuff i mean you're already married so like is the pressure a little lessened for valentine's day or does it only go up once you're in a committed lawfully wedded relationship I still do romantic stuff for the birthday for the anniversary for Hanukkah and Christmas Valentine's Day for me was that's not a gift-giving holiday that's like an I appreciate you let's let's do a nice dinner oh you know's like an, I appreciate you. Let's,

let's do a nice dinner. Oh, you know what? I used to always, Jill and I used to always go away. That's wrong. We used to always go away. Scratch.

Everything I said for the last 30 seconds. I bought her a diamond necklace every February. Every half hour. Cause our anniversary, our anniversary of when we were dating was January 31st. So it always like kind of tied into Valentine's Day. And we'd always go like, do like a long weekend sometime around the first two weeks of February. And oftentimes it would be close enough to Valentine's Day that it was like Valentine's themed. Oh, that's right. You used to always miss the Super Bowl because you were celebrating your anniversary, your

date-aversary. That's exactly, yeah, that's exactly right. And I already know the answer, but you do nothing for Valentine's Day, right? You don't even get Avital anything for her birthday. Yeah, I've sort of established a gift-free environment in a zone that she can't necessarily complain about because it's like something i bring up on every date so it's kind of this like weird annoying mole that she has to live with slash deal with for as long they're together so it's like yeah he's nice and all and

he has this one kind of bizarre rule that i guess i deal with which is the fact that he doesn't believe in gifts which is like i can't and he talks about it you made her a toasty right i made her one shrimp toasty on her seventh date and she never looked back it was so i don't know perfect there's something that's just perfect about a toasty what is it about a shrimp toasty that's perfect the way they look small on the bread with the mayo and the shrimp it's just i don't know on the barbie it's just right to have it that way uh so yeah something outdoors something natural for this guy in colorado a drive a walk a hike a picnic a meal somewhere that's uh safe friendly and hopefully warm enough you know

denver it can be like 71 on tuesday and then wednesday's low is four so you can hope for the best yeah yeah you gotta just hope for the best. Roll the dice. Roll the dice. Get the toasty. Keep it nice. Let us know how it goes. All right. Let's take a break. Thanks to the sponsors. Come back with some more questions and answers after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create,

easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

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mom i'm coming. Gross. Yep. Yep, I do. Okay. But make it quick because I got one too. So we'll do like a little lightning round that's so fast that it only strikes twice. Back to back. Yeah. Okay, sweet.

How often are you using the snooze feature on your email? Never. I don't know what that is. Tell me. Well, I fucking love it. You look at an email that you're like, I have to deal with this, but I can't right now. You can, you know, drag your cursor up to the top. There's like, you know, the archive, the spam, the delete. Mark is unread.

After that, it is snoozed. You can snooze this email until tomorrow, next week, next weekend, or you can pick a date and time and have it just reappear in your inbox whenever you so choose. Okay. And I value a clean inbox. I treat my email inbox as a to-do list. I see. And oftentimes the emails that I have like lingering at the bottom are things that are like hard that I have to deal with. So I tend to just like do all of the new things that come in that I can just like fire off. Yeah.

But for me to get to those, I always feel like I need to clean off the top. The top never ever gets clean because there's always something new. So I started snoozing these things. Like this doesn't need a response right now, but I want it off my plate. I don't want to think about it. I snooze it. Got it. So it's like, hey, this email, I have to, it's part of my to-do list, but I don't want to deal with it yet. So make it disappear so I can get to the next item. It's kind of tricking your brain. Like the email that you have to get to is still there either way's kind of tricking your brain. Like the email that you have to get to is still there either way, but for whatever reason, you don't want that other email on top of it in your purview. Yeah. It's like prioritizing things though. Like it is, I'm like,

I don't have to deal with this until Wednesday, you know, like that's when this is, this thing needs a response. So I'm not going to waste my brain space right now. Get it away. So you're getting lower and lower into your inbox. I see. So does it archive the email when you say snooze it? Does it disappear from your inbox or is it still there but a different color? It disappears. It disappears.

It's gone. Interesting. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty good. Snooze. And then you use it to say come back at a later day or do you do the default two days um i i pick a day that i'm going to deal with it i'm like this is this needs to happen on friday that's when i'll do this i got it there i i archive something until july

how fucked up is that yeah i noticed like i will have to look at this in july yeah i've i have been sending you the email over and over and for whatever reason you just it's kind of timely though it's about yeah yeah making sure that we record here for you'll hear from me on 7 8 21 don't worry all right don't worry about that when you get back from a fourth of july trip i guess that you haven't even planned yet. I'm planning it. Those are archived until June. Snoozed until June, I should say.

Noon in June. That's when I'll deal with it. All right. That's a good one. That's a good one. What's yours? Here's a quickie that I learned, actually, from our Discord. I hopped onto the Jake and Amir Patreon discord.

Whoa. Yeah. Shout out to discord. I wanted to see what was going on with the peeps. If you're in our Patreon, you can be in this discord chat room, which is like this rolling chat room where people can hop in, hop out,

chat, see, talk to each other, like-minded folks. Sometimes I hop in there and see what's going on. And it was kind of like later. I went in there the other day and i was a i was afraid i was afraid to talk i was like i don't want to disrupt you know the flow the flow yeah but it was nice yeah but i just i just hopped in there and read a bunch of people you're a lurker on your own fucking discord a little

wallflower uh okay so jack f shout out to jack f um i basically said what did i miss because i hadn't been there for like a few weeks months years decades and he's like oh weezer has a new song coming out i'm like oh that's interesting weezer like i used to two of my favorite albums the blue album and pinkerton came out in the 90s and then i sort of forgot weezer existed i'm like yeah i guess every once in a while you hear like a new song like Pork and Beans. And if you're wondering if I want you to like little pop songs. And I'm like, oh, this song is really good. It actually reminds me of Pinkerton, one of my favorite Weezer albums. And he's like, yeah, they started working with a music producer, Jack F was

explaining to me, that grew up listening to the Blue Album and Pinkerton. I was like, you guys should make music like that. And he guided their albums again back to what Pinkerton sounds like. I'm like, oh, when did that happen? He's like, basically, there was an album whose name I already forget. And then the White Album in 2016. This guy named Jake Sinclair, who's younger than us, worked with Weezer to create an album again that sounded like their, I guess, most iconic albums. And I started listening to The White Album.

I'm like, this is amazing. This is as good as Pinkerton, but I completely disregarded it because for 20 years, they were just churning out album after album that I didn't necessarily like. Wow. So I'll send you a link to the White Album and my favorite songs on it. I'm like, wow, this really does sound like they wrote 20 songs for Pinkerton, released the 10 that I love, and then these were discovered. But no, they're actually new songs that sound exactly like old Weezer songs so shout out to Jack F damn and shout out to Weezer and shout out to Jake Sinclair I mean that's incredible yeah we should that's really nice we should have them on the show just be like so how do you what's the what does it mean to produce a song that

sounds like it like did they not know how to do it and then you're like actually make it sound like this I have so many questions about that he's gonna convince Did they not know how to do it? And then you're like, actually make it sound like this? I have so many questions about that. He's going to convince us to start going back to So 80 and shit. He's just a fan of the classics. It was better originally. I feel like I could do that. If I had any musical ability,

I could do that for Blank 182. I could guide them back to the Dude Ranch days just i don't know how to quantify slash explain why something sounds the way it does but it just instantly did and it was very nice i'm glad this music producer coupled with weezer was able to figure it out i was saying that it's kind of like uh if adam sandler made an amazing movie three years ago like we would just never know because he had done like 21 weird somewhat random esoteric kind of shitty movies for the last two decades and it's like no this

one's really good it's like billy madison or happy gilmore we just wouldn't know oh i was thinking wasn't that what happened with uncut gems but you mean like a really just like a funny one it's like a happy madison adam sandler comedy vehicle i now pronounce you chuck and larry is actually hilarious because he worked with a comedian larry nice uh yeah he worked with a movie producer that was able to harness his energy and then i got to thinking i'm like were those movies good or we were just were we just 12 at the time and if any 12 year old like whatever movie that comes out when you're 12 to 15 is the best adam sandler movie right yeah if we told if we showed like a tween his adam sandler's full catalog

is he like yeah i liked uh billy madison and i also liked grown-ups grown-ups part three is my favorite yeah because i'm again i'm 12 so this is all awesome shit yeah i don't know but either way if you're a fan of weezer like i am specifically of those two albums check out at the very least the white album cool that's my unsolicited advice don't forget to hit that snooze button and snooze your email for the love of god snooze that email actually let's answer some questions these are emails that i didn't snooze these are new nice fresh fresh fresh questions in our inbox don't sleep on them uh here's one about a cooking catastrophe since you're a you're a chef as of now shea yeah i'm a chef i'm not like an amateur cook or i'm not learning to cook i don't want like that

terminology i want people to know that i am i am a chef well you're not okay you're not cooking's not a hobby for me it's not just something that i'm passively into it's not something that i'm experimenting with it's not something that i recently picked up yes it is yes that last one is what it is. Don't, the first three, I let you get away with it, even though you're not a professional. You're not getting bait to cook. So yeah, you are an amateur.

So don't say that it was something that you just picked up. That's not true. Continue. I'm a chef, read on. Chefery James writes, Hello, Jake and Amir, long time listener. First time asking a question. I found myself in, read on. Chefery James writes, Hello, Jake and Amir, long-time listener, first time asking a question. I found myself in a predicament. I'm a 17-year-old dude who, like Jake, wasn't much of a chef,

and I'm starting to build a rep as being a bit lazy within my family. But now I have the opportunity to redeem myself. Me and my girlfriend are doing a date night with my girlfriend's parents, and we are in charge of the cuisine. So what I need to know is something that I can make that will knock their socks off, but won't be impossible that I'll mess it up. Just for reference, my girlfriend isn't much of a chef either, but with more experience helping than me. P.S. I think it's worth mentioning, all this started off with a white lie that I love cooking and that I do it all the time. Sincerely yours, Chefery James.

Chefery James. Okay. So have you experienced something that you're good at? If this dude's 17, if he's 17, it's kind of, I don't want to say it's too late, but I feel like the ship has sailed a little bit. What are you talking? You picked it up at age 35? 17 is too late? You don't just pick pick it up you don't pick it up yes it's a calling you finally i picked it up i answered the phone i answered my calling but i don't know if this guy has the calling is what i'm saying

you're holy shit you are you're paying it backwards you're basically you're not lifting anybody up you're kicking them off a mansion you discovered this if you don't hobby and you want people out you're not going to learn is all i'm saying that's it that's not yeah that is it but that's bad it shouldn't be it it should be better than it what the hell is you don't do not rub your hair like you're a guru you're not a guru you don't goo any rue you're a zero there's sauce all over your track jacket by the way i think like you didn't i burned my hand really bad, actually. I gave it up. Yeah, what's the easiest thing you've done? I have a dish.

Okay. Well, I've only... I haven't cooked that many dishes. You haven't what? I haven't cooked that many dishes. I'm actually considering retiring, if you can fucking believe it it's called going out on top i made a lamb twice and i think i'm gonna pick up skateboarding i baked a skate and now i'll On Friday, on Friday, I cooked Mongolian. Okay.

So nice rice. Rice indeed. So one of the things that I cooked was like this, this like lamb dumpling, which is a little more authentic to actual Mongolian. The other one was Mongolian beef, which was made in like Taiwan or Thailand. It's not actually from Mongolia, but it was really easy and very, very delicious.

And it definitely makes you feel very chef-like because you're like flash frying, sautéing things. There's lots of, there's sauces,'s there's oils there's uh flagrant flavors it's very delicious okay and it's not hard it takes like 35 minutes total that's good okay that's pretty good lamb dumplings that sounds kind of hard though i was i i got some stuff the dump the lamb that is really hard that's too. Yeah. Lamb dumplings, you can't do that. I could barely do that. Okay.

And I'm a fucking chef. Okay. So what's something that's kind of easy to make? The Mongolian beef. That's what he should cook. You slice up the beef. You sort of stir fry it. Onions, peppers. Yeah.

You slice up the beef real thin. There's a trick that I learned, which I thought was very very cool you get the beef get it nice and fresh um but you put it in the freezer like five or ten minutes before you start cooking so then when you're slicing it really really thin it's kind of firm and you can cut right through it that's good okay and then what rice on the side rice noodles some other noodles yeah uh just like classic white rice on the side um keep it simple okay and then you just got the beef you got the rice you throw some scallions in there it's perfect you made chinese food it's delicious that's good it's unique yeah yeah yeah um i was gonna, I recently have been basically putting meat on one side of a baking

pan, broccoli on the other, putting it in the oven together. You leave the oven, it's just like 25 minutes, it's doing the entire bulk of the work. So if you want to get even easier than that, you can get pre-seasoned salmon, something I didn't necessarily know about because I didn't eat salmon growing up. Pre-seasoned salmon. This guy said he loved cooking. I love cooking. He's going to show up with pre-seasoned salmon. No, he's not going to show up. Put it on a baking sheet. He's going to already have made it. Pre-seasoned salmon, you put olive oil on the broccoli, you put it in the oven, half an hour, and you're done. There's not even anything after that.

It bakes at all. You're putting salmon in the oven for half an hour? Yeah, 20 to 30, depending on what you set it at. And then the end, boom. You made fucking- It's not the end. Pretty solid shit right there, and you didn't have to do anything.

Very little prep work. You want to cook your salmon on high heat for a short amount of time. I do 450 for 11 minutes. That's the perfect thing for salmon. Sure. And you don't want to put things all on the same sheet. Why not? You want to know why?

Yeah. Because they're all unique. They're all different. They all have different amounts of time that they need to cook for. Sure, yeah. You add the salmon halfway through. You pull out your salmon and your carrots at the same exact time? No. Or you do or you don't, or you add the salmon late. I'm giving you a foolproof plan. You cook the salmon a little too much, the broccoli a little too little. Put them both in for 20 minutes.

Bing, bang, boom. You're out of there in what? 30 minutes? You scarf the fish in front of the fucking parents and you say, this is pretty fucking good, right? What'd you bring for dessert? If they didn't bring anything for dessert. A shrimp toasty?

Dessert is a shrimp fucking toasty with whipped cream on top. And did I mention you ordered cookies from a good bakery? Oh, how'd you make this? What's the recipe? Postmates, bitch. You get to eat it off the floor, okay? How's that? For questioning me, where'd I get it?

Where do you get off? Nice. Nice. All right, two options right there. Mongolian beef or whatever the fuck. And a shrimp toastie. Or pre-seasoned salmon and a shrimp toastie. Did I mention anybody can make toast in a fucking second?

All you need to do is air fry tater tots and suddenly you're the most popular chef in town. All right, one last question. Yeah, let's do it. I'm a 21-year-old female. Ooh, what name can we give this lady? Um, um, um, um... Oh, Liv.

How old did she say she was? 21. Okay, close enough. Liv. Are you talking about someone specific? Yeah, it was because it's my brother's girlfriend's birthday coming up, and I thought they were the same age, but they're not. So, you know, it's fine.

All right. But either way. Shout out to Liv. Shout out, Liv. 21-year-old female recently broke up with her very first boyfriend. Ooh, kind of ominous. Almost a bad sign. Yeah.

It was also his first relationship, and we had been dating a little over three years. He was an amazing person. He was extremely loving and caring, but our relationship wasn't working and I had to break his heart. I was just wondering if you guys had any horror stories about hurting a person that you care about deeply. So maybe I won't feel like the only piece of shit in the world right now, or maybe a story about your very first heartbreak and how you got over it. I have always looked up to you guys to brighten my day, so I really hope that you read this.

I love you guys and everything you do. Coming from a patron, shout out to the patreon.com slash ja, love Liv. Hell yeah. I wish I had a story, but this is just, it's too fucked up. It's a little too fucked up that she did this to that guy. He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. It's a little fucked up.

All right. She broke up with him. I guess that's the episode. What are you talking about? The first song was by... Your advice on how to get over is that she fucked up by breaking up with him? It was tacky the way she did it.

She didn't even say how she did it. She just said that she broke up with someone wasn't tacky it was it was a it was a very strong move on her part she was she was able to you know say i'm i have to put myself first i'm gonna break someone's heart it's gonna hurt but ultimately it's better for the both of us and she did it and you're what you're saying. That's tacky or cheesy. No, you know, I've definitely been there. There have been more than one relationship that ended where the person I was breaking up with was like very heartbroken and it was super hard. And you definitely, like, the instinct is always to do the thing that makes them feel better, because that's what you, like, learn in a relationship. You're like, how do I make you feel better? But when the thing that makes them feel better is the thing that you can't give,

that's just, it's not an option. So really what you have to do is accept that, as Ingrid Michelson says, every broken heart in the world still beats. So you know that you're breaking up with him. It's not going to kill him. He will eventually get over it. And your relationship will be a part of his past, which is good, ultimately. Yeah, the first ones are always the hardest ones. So he's like, you know, dealing good ultimately yeah the first ones are are always the hardest ones so he's like you know dealing with this for the first time but i'm sure it won't be his first and i'm sure it won't be yours and uh or sorry it won't be his last i'm sure it will always be his

first which is kind of exciting actually so you'll always be intrinsically in his life in that regard but yeah i don't know anybody that was give him did was give him a... It's a life experience. You fell in love, you had your heart broken. It happens again and again and again. So if anything, it's just, this is something to get used to. Yeah. And I don't know anybody that had their heart broken at age 20 that is like still even, honestly, remembers it by age 30. So it may seem like the biggest deal in the world now, but you'll be like, for better or worse, probably a faint memory in a decade.

I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but that's somewhat the truth as I know it. Yeah, but it's all happening right now. So I think that all you can really know is that he is gonna live and also like this will just cause him to grow like he's got friends and family that he'll reach out to and forge new bonds because of this heartbreak you're sending him on a journey um where he's going to get stronger he's weak and sad now but in the end it's going to be good for him yeah so good for you ultimately better and like they say time heals all wounds which is a cliche

but it's true in this case specifically and uh you'll have your heart broken and you'll break another heart and so it goes unless you get married at age 23 to your next boyfriend. Which could be my brother Micah. Wow. It's crazy to think. Live. Part of the family. That's insane.

I don't know if that's like a lot of pressure to put on her right now or to both of them, but let's bring her in. Grab her. Okay. Sure. Yeah. I see she's sort of sitting right off camera. She's sitting three feet to your left. If you could just shift over the monitor a little bit.

She does the podcast with me. She likes to have oversight on the ads. She's my rock. I don't know how else to say it. It brings me a lot of comfort and security to have her here staring at me. So shout out to Liv for that. And shout out to you guys for listening and sending in your questions, your theme songs all

that good stuff to if i were you show at gmail.com that opening theme song was greg berg this closing one is epic jake and it's almost specifically designed for you because it is another shout out to the keeping records pod the song you brought up on c and Shelby's podcast. Oh my God, Wounded? That's right. It's a Wounded parody. This guy, Ashton underscore Delaney on Instagram, played it on his guitar, and he posts art to his Instagram. And he lives in Long Island City. So Jake, if you ever want a lesson, a guitar lesson,

he can teach you a bunch of Third Eye Blind songs. That's amazing yeah i could hop on my bike and ride right over there that's right uh so this one is uh by ashton delaney opening one by greg berg um again send in all that stuff to if i reuse show at gmail.com and if you ever want more of us if you're ever like you know know what? That was fun, but my appetite is insatiable for content. Check out our Patreon. I need more. Patreon.com slash JA.

We're doing weekly videos. Maybe another Premier League podcast, but definitely the last Premier League podcast, Lonely and Horny, season one and two. My speech at your wedding is on there. Two years worth of content. That's right. If you want to watch Amir cry, you can do it.

I didn't know I cried during that. A little bit. So yeah, you can check it all out at patreon.com slash JA. I don't know if I got your gift yet for my birthday, which was last week. It hasn't quite arrived.

But I'm still checking that mail every day, late night uh so i'll sort of wait for the postmates i'll wait for the post for me on my birthday was a letter with a with a list of stuff you wanted for your birthday yeah do you understand how that's fucked up so that's tap now you know exactly what to get me and you know when to get me. And it was last week. Obviously, I know the postal service is like super overflowed right now. So nothing will arrive on time unless you ordered it on the day. Unless you snoozed my gift in a way that's like, so I'm least expecting it. That's the one that was snoozed till July, actually.

Oh, for my half. Very considerate. All right, sweet. Thank you, Drake. Thank you guys for listening. And we'll be back next week. Bye, actually. Oh, for my half. Very considerate. All right, sweet. Thank you, Drake. Thank you guys for listening, and we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. Be what to do Have an advice podcast

I trained to give a therapy and more often than not it's just a no sting Let me break it down now, here's the issue You got a favorite song and you know I wish you'd sing it My first holiday, yeah, Jake, go ahead, take it away Okay, I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't have sang it all But I'm a rock on, baby, rock on anyway You say you don't know What you should do now

So just ask these two Court dudes If I were you Show at gmail.com that was a Hiddem original