Segments - 473: Fish and Chippendales

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

In this episode we discuss movie watching habits, food poisoning, and our upcoming virtual live show!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in.

Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you no no no no no i was feeling down my girl left town and i'm horny i found this time she's just my type but I'm quarantined

You know that I could use some advice You know that I could use some advice If I were you wow nice guys indeed do you know what that was a parody of? It was a parody of the, I think it's the Kings of Leon? Is that possible? I know the song, I don't know

the band, but yeah. I know that I could use somebody. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah, use somebody. If I could plug anything, he writes, it would be my TikTokiktok account nice i'm a pizza lover 44 so there you go nice cool i'm a pizza lover as well actually i really like that that authentic nyc yeah that like nice deep chicago style i need to say sicilian shit that

a pizza the modern pizza pie right nice you don't have to vamp by the way like we have a lot to get to okay no i was just it seems like you're killing time yes i thought we were gonna i haven't even said yeah i was gonna wax pizza wise but if you want to just get straight to the show and you don't want to hear you're you're yeah you're speaking in a way that makes me anxious like everything you say takes so long and you haven't want to hear I don't you're speaking in a way that makes me anxious like everything you say takes so long and you haven't said anything yet just let me get through I can't say anything when you're interrupting me

and I had some things to discuss about toppings and crust okay was that supposed to rhyme or did you accidentally say something clever happy accident my friend it was just nice so the one good thing that came out of that was a mistake it's called a happy accident not a mistake uh it's by carter quinn and adam from calgary that's

what i wanted to say those three three dudes from Calgary, Canada. Thank you for writing that theme song. Appreciate it. Shout out to Calgary. Do you remember our live showing Calgary, Canada? Yeah, I remember going to Calgary for the first time and then we headed even further, either east or north to Winnipeg.

Oh no, we went Winnipeg, then Calgary because I remember the cities grew in size. Was it Winnipeg? Wait, was it Winnipeg, then Calgary, because I remember the cities grew in size. Was it Winnipeg? Wait, was it Winnipeg, Calgary, Vancouver? Did we start in Toronto? No, I don't think we did Toronto that tour. That was just like central Canada, and then we moved west. God, can you imagine?

Are we ever going to do a show in Winnipeg and Calgary again? They won't let us in. They definitely won't let us in. Yeah. No, they don't want our fucking coronavirus-ridden asses there. Imagine how cold it is. I mean, it's cold in New York City, so I can only imagine what's going on right now in Winnipeg. Here we go.

It's like seven degrees here tonight. Seven degrees Fahrenheit. In NYC, yeah. Okay, so let's search Winnipeg weather over under minus 10 Fahrenheit. That's my line. Would you go over under negative 10 Fahrenheit? Over under. I'd go over because I was actually wrong about it being that cold in New York.

It's 25. So I think it's nine degrees there. Yeah, the low tonight is 10. So pretty good. Wow. Close. Pretty good. Yeah. That's fucking a degree off that's really good yeah yeah no i felt like you sort of you fudge you fudge the line when you gave me the the new york information that made me consider that there was like a nor

easter or something and so when you poisoned me with that data, that fake news. You gotta get poisoned with data. I fed you information. Here's some information. After a year of quarantine, we're finally hopping on the bandwagon. We are doing a live show virtually. That's a big deal. So we can't quite get our asses to Calgary or Winnipeg, but we are doing a live show.

Yeah, we still miss the adrenaline, the excitement of talking in front of people. And since we can't get that IRL, it's going to be an If I Were You, this podcast live with friends who are to be determined. We still have to ask them. But this time, we don't have to fly. So it's a little easier it's a it's an easy ask i hope and i i think we can swing for the fences like we don't have to have like like shitty ass b-level celebrity bullshit like ben like i want to like actually like let's aim fucking even like celebrity let's aim high celebrity aside which he is like he's just a good friend of ours so that

was like i know and so i was thinking like what if we say okay we say hell no to ben right because like that would be fine to have him i honestly haven't even brought it up to him but what if we go for like john freaking lovitz john love. I mean, I think Ben is more famous than John Lovitz. John Lovitz. John Lovitz. Really? I mean, yeah.

Yeah. I think, I think he would be a better draw for our show. That's for sure. I was, that's for sure. I was going to say, what about getting fucking Mitch McConnell?

That's really cool actually. So instead of like Thomas Middleditch, it's like me. Yeah. It's us and Mitch. and we're just sort of grilling their ass about like the perfect tinder bio or some shit that's cool yeah what is mcconnell's fucking goat tinder bio how does mcconnell get laid on hinge i need to know. He probably doesn't. Right. Because he's not photogenic and he has a bad personality. Yeah.

He has a weak jaw and track record. Plus he's married. So that's like, you know, definitely. I bet he doesn't even have hinge. He maybe has bumble. Sorry. I thought you were joking. But like you're actually starting to consider this

shit yeah he doesn't have the dating apps he could get on raya i nice i i was just goofing around about like having him on the show but not like no don't google do not google that yeah have raya i just want to see if he has instagram because if he has instagram yeah then he can get to raya he does have an instagram he has such a bad instagram he has 14 000 followers on instagram that's fucking less than me and i'm a fucking joke well his last post was just a lasagna he made. It actually looks pretty good, Mitch. You're a home chef, dude. Same. Holy shit, he said, please don't grill me. This is my third

attempt to LOL that zanya life. This is actually really good, Mitch. How'd you get the cheese to be so stretchy, Mitch? There's crumbs all over his stove. He didn't really consider that. Yeah, people are sort of taking him to task for that.

Clean your stove. You gotta turn the flash off, Mitch. That's gonna show years of grease. And years of yeast. So the stove itself is filled with this, almost like this nutritional yeast or something. Wow. I bet everybody that was considering

getting tickets to our live shows has stopped. Because of the Gears of Yeast? That was probably the exclamation point on the entire thought. Yeah. Yeah. We haven't said the URL yet. Oh, fuck. It's onlocationlive.com slash jakeandamir, but I bet we can find a way to just have jakeandamir.com forward to it.

So let's do that. So it'll be on our Twitter or social media. We'll be very annoying about it. But yeah, if you want to snag a ticket now, it's a virtual ticket for 15 bucks at onlocationlive.com slash jakeandamir. It's our podcast live with friends. And then I think you can watch it even after the show. And by the way, even if you're just considering buying a ticket, you can get a preview of our new podcast cover art when you go to that link. So if for nothing else than to just peep the new logo, check that out. The new artwork. Yeah, shout out to Dave Klock for working on that.

We're nearly finalized with that. We are. All right. So like nearly finalized with that. We are. All right. So, like we said, this is an advice show. If I were you, the only one on the web still hosted by us. And I'm Amir. And I am Jake. It's winter time, so I thought we should answer this sunny question,

warm weather question to sort of make us think. Imagine. Live in a world. Even in LA, it was like pouring rain yesterday, cold and gray. I always liked when it rained in LA. Isn't it nice when it's different? I feel like these days,

anytime the weather does something new and unique, I'm like, that's good. That's something to remark upon. I can look out and it doesn't feel like the same day uh as yesterday but that's true i don't love the rain but it's definitely better than like when it was a fire in the sky when it was orange and foggy and this the air quality was so bad this is at least it smells fresh that's good yeah i'm happy for you speaking of rain this guy's from seattle so we'll call this guy uh jay buehner nice jay buehner writes i'm a recent college grad in seattle and i was driving

back to my parents house for the weekend from my live-in job as a mani slash bro pair and i was hankering for i love that it's a great tv show uh and i was hankering for a coffee i remembered that there was a bikini barista stand near the freeway exit i was getting off at so i decided to check it out i'd never had one before so i was kind of curious the girl was really nice and made polite conversation but i felt so weird and voyeurish the whole time is this a common occurrence or am i too squeamish? Are dudes really down this bad that they need to order a seven and a half dollar latte? Before tip, to look at a girl in lingerie to talk to them,

do either of you have any experience with going to a bikini barista or are you too coy? P.S. started listening to the HeadGum podcast and I love it. Toda, love Jay. All right. Shout out to Jay. Nice. Thanks for listening to the HeadGum pod. love it toda love jay all right shout out to jay nice thanks for listening to the head gum pod i love that podcast by the way yeah it's very funny i was cracking up listen to the last episode the uh the one with me moose and marika yeah and then like ferris dropped a four minute long uh sax track in the middle of it i don't know if you

listened i didn't listen to that part. Insane. Yeah. They added it in post because they said the episode was too short. So Ferris wrote an entire remix song of Jeffrey over the sax saying, what's that? God, good stuff. So are you aware of Bikini Baristas?

I've never heard of that before i remember there was a bikini bar in new york city that i went on a date to one time yeah so i looked it up i guess it's a thing in seattle there was like this youtube documentary about it called seattle's bikini baristas and it's pretty much what you expect. It's like Hooters, but Starbucks. So it's a drive-through cafe, and I guess there's more than one at this point, where, yeah, they're just in bikinis serving coffee. So there's that. Do you have any experience of, like, a Hooters or a local equivalent of Hooters?

Yeah. I mean, when I was in high school, school me and my friends as soon as we got our licenses that was like something that we did i think often like i definitely went to hooters a decent amount i've been to hooters at least 20 times in my life for sure i once ate at a hooters by myself how's that for fucking weird did we go to hooters once in florida were you there ever when we went i want to say like it was like some sort of group trip but i forget what it was it sounds really familiar was it like one of those college humor trips yeah yeah maybe we're like i don't know i don't even remember anyway hooters is like basically like you and john and john carlo go to a hooters

it sounds familiar right maybe in vegas or something or in Arizona or something, Cincinnati. I mean, now that I'm thinking about it, I think 20 is underselling. I've probably been to at least 35 Hooters. So Hooters, for those of you not in America, it's basically a strip club meets a sports bar. So there's no stripping, but there's ladies scantily dressed that smell like strippers and they hit on you and they give you wings it's kind of just like any i feel like it's like any divey bar except uh the servers have to wear like booty shorts but, they definitely gab with you more. The wings are actually kind of good. Like the food is good.

That's why I go. Yeah. Can you imagine getting fucking like DoorDash Hooters? Like, I just like the food. I don't care about being there. Just like, give me the fucking wings and the waffle fries. Yeah, it's like an old guy that shows up to deliver it, but he's still in like booty shorts and a skinny white tank top.

Thanks. All right, good. I needed to ogle something. Contactless delivery. Shit, this is fucking embarrassing. I mean, it's a solid business model. As long as everybody that's working there is like in on the gag and they're like making tips and they are enjoying themselves. They have the job of their own

free will like yeah it's i don't know i feel like you feeling weird is projecting a lot onto somebody who's a server you know what i mean yeah i mean it's the same feeling i get at a strip club i'm like this doesn't feel nice to me because I know that they're, you know, being paid to do this. So like, I'm not getting any like rush of adrenaline or endorphins when a waitress is touching my shoulder and asking me if I want another Diet Coke, babe. Yeah. But it's like, yeah, they are paid to do that for everybody, but they might like you. Wow, you don't think. They might actually like me. Because when she wrote her name on the receipt, you don't think. You might actually like me. Because when she wrote her name on the receipt,

there's a heart above the eye. It says Carrie. And I left my number, and she might call. God. It must be hard for a stripper or a hooters waitress to actually

flirt with someone, like if they actually are attracted to someone because they'll just assume that they're being you know fake about it yeah but at the same time you know how do you really how do you really meet anybody it does kind of feel like you mostly meet people at work and out with your friends and when those two things are one in the same maybe you do i bet like if you are a Hooters server or a stripper, like you see so many shitty guys that like when someone who's like a good person is around that like really stands out. It's almost like a really like trial by fire way of like meeting somebody if you wanted to.

You're like, oh no, most people suck. And like like i've seen everyone suck the max and you're cool so i like yeah it's also interesting that hooters didn't like start a type of there's no like knockoff hooters that i know about like in la there should be like 20 whatever tutors or knockers or lady burgers or something but you don't really see that yeah i guess that that is odd it doesn't really make any sense the perfect supply of hooters is the current amount of hooters and no extra hooters would have enough people to eat there and are there ever do i think like you want it to be more of a casual thing. I go here because the servers are really hot, but that's not the only thing. You couldn't tell people that you were going to Hooters.

I feel like there have been times in my life where I went to the same bars and restaurants over and over again because I had a crush on people on the staff and it had and like it's not like they had like really conservative uniforms like everyone is wearing low-cut shorts and tight jeans it's every it's you're out in the city and everyone's hot you know it's weird that yeah all right we you guys are hot and you have to wear orange shorts but any other server can can just wear jeans where their butt looks really good, and that's fine. Yeah, are there any male equivalents of Hooters? Like dudes walking around in tank tops looking jacked?

Yeah, what... Chippendales. Chippendales is like the male strip club with the bow tie and the no shirt and the suspenders thing that like. Yeah. Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze. The bit on. Yeah.

There should be like a male, like a fish and Chippendales or something. So you get like the fish chips. Yeah. But it's like jacked cut like dudes i feel like it would be pretty fucking progressive if you and i opened that and we were servers and you and i just wore like fucking banana hammocks and tiny little vests and we had that's actually not bad that's really good actually because then we're not necessarily like i'm not like thick or like super cut right like i can like probably wear a tightish tee and then you have it can't be a tightish tee it has to be a small vest a small vest with nothing

underneath i would just i really don't feel comfortable well i'm talking about this you'd have to get control pretty fast if we're gonna have have fish and Chippendales, if we're going to be if we're going to be roller skating around and fucking banana hammocks and cummerbunds with little ties and like fucking fucking yarmulke wearing vest serving french fry guy and i'm definitely don't want to do it on roller skates i don't know how that shit works well you're gonna have to learn fast because i can't do both like the serving and the cooking like so i'm gonna be i'll be in the back just like no why why am i you this is your idea yeah exactly that's why i that's why i have to I'll be in the back just like, no. Cooking is for food. This is your idea. Yeah, exactly. That's why I have to do the fucking cooking.

That's why I have to be the chef. I have the vision to lay out the restaurant. By the way, you have to have the table spaced out really well because not only COVID, but also... This is a post-pandemic thing. I'm not doing this during the... It's not a post-pandemic thing i'm not doing this during the thing it's not a post-pandemic we have to do it during the you can there's 25 50 capacity dining so we're going to be doing it during the pandemic okay other people are doing that so we're definitely going to be doing it during the pandemic there's also a major cold out it's

yeah it's going to be indoor don't worry about that don't worry about that you'll have a tiny little yarmulke a cummerbund a vest a banana yeah you can have ankle socks roller skates and uh little like wrist cuffs and fine as long as you're doing like a major city like i don't want to like have to deal with traveling i don't know if we're gonna promise to afford a major city like i don't want to like have to deal with traveling i don't know if we're going to be able to afford a major city because what i was trying to say is because you need to space the tables out not just because of covid but also because of the roller skating because you don't want to be going between narrow narrow tables like you couldn't really do that in new york city you'd have to be doing right in like what's like maybe like inland empire or something like that or like la or san francisco fresno no no no no north north more inland i think san bernardino palm desert or something

yeah maybe bakersfield that's really small you could do it in omaha what's wrong you could do it in omaha braska yeah frigid freezing college time i'll get the temperature it's going to be inside and you'd also have a face mask so you have the banana hammock the yarmulke the the cummerbund the tiny vest the bow tie, the wrist, the wrist cuffs. Cuffs, yeah. And then PPE. What's that? Cuffs and a face mask.

What's PPE? Personal protective equipment. Because it's COVID. So you can't just like be doing all this without a mask. And you'll meet me in Nebraska because you said you were cooking the food for everyone. So I'm there. I think I can do this. I'm in roller skates naked

through a fucking college town. Shut up. Shut up. I'm explaining that I think that I can create the menu in a test kitchen here in the city. And as long as I hire the right fry cooks and shorter cooks line cooks that type

of thing then they will be able to prepare the food because i don't think i should be putting myself at risk in a kitchen right now especially especially because i came up with this whole fucking concept i came not really i said fish and chippendales that's why i'll do it for the golden mic let's just give me the golden mic and we'll call it even you get the turdy i get the mic and i'll move to nebraska and i'll wear a fucking underwear and a yarmulke in a college town and i'll serve chips you're not gonna win the golden mic when you want it that bad oh my god when you want it that bad oh my god when you need it the least you can that's when you don't deserve it i'm not going to give you the golden mic just for fucking wearing a a vest a yarmulke comfortable you don't have

to fucking say i remember what it is yes yes yes so you're not even willing to give me a fictional award for all this fucking hard work and effort i'm about to call it a fictional award we're calling it a fictional award you get a 30 and that's real that's a real award that you just fucking earned when you disparage the golden mic yeah somebody just dropped off a pile of shit in front of my door how did you do that they must have been waiting for you yeah uh all right well enjoy i guess i don't know what this guy asked us for but um hopefully he got some real honest feedback and advice some soul searching from us about what he should do yeah it's okay

if you go there yeah everyone is hopefully you know gainfully employed and having a great time so all right let's take a break come back back at the other side of these messages. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online,

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than I can...

Mom, I'm coming! Gross. You know, I think you have, I don't know if it's unsolicited advice or a cautionary tale, is that right? Yeah, sort of. I mean, I don't know how to avoid it, but three days ago I did get food poisoning. So my general advice is to not have it that way. And specifically, I guess I'll go over what happened, and then you can tell me if I did anything wrong. Okay, yeah. I mean, food poisoning is, I think it's the worst I've ever felt. What was your case of it like, we get into the the exact details yeah i had i had

eaten dinner with my girlfriend and she felt fine which makes me question this whole food poisoning thing at all but about two hours after dinner which was chicken and over some greens that we had purchased out of whole foods uh i felt like there was trapped gas in me like over my windpipe and i'm like oh i think i really have to fart like i feel like this sharp pain and it just it feels like i just got the wind knocked out of me like that kind of like pressure in that area and so i like lay down on my stomach and i'm like oh it's not subsiding and i feel kind of like fucking hot is it hot in here she's like no it's not hot but like maybe you could take some-X or Imodium to like help alleviate the gas pain. I'm like, yeah, I think so. And then I start walking to the bathroom. I'm like, oh no. And I like, you know, bend over the toilet, do my puking

situation. And that's, at this point, I'm fairly certain it's food poisoning because I'm puking, you know, I'm throwing up. That's not a fun place to be. That's not where you want to be. But the gas pain is still there. So I'm like, what is going on? Like, you know, I'm throwing up. That's not a fun place to be. That's not where you want to be. But the gas pain is still there. So I'm like, what is going on? Like, you think like the food had to travel through where the gas pain is. Maybe there's a bunch of tubes down there, some pipes that aren't overlapping.

Then I run a bath because, you know, sometimes that can help alleviate stomach pain. While I'm in the bath, I feel kind of good. I feel a little bit better, but it still feels like there's something there. What time is it? I get out of, this is like 11 p.m. Dinner was like at seven. I started feeling bad at nine.

Two hours later, I'm in a bath. Nothing's subsiding. I get out of the bath. I lay down again. Avital's like, are you feeling better? I'm like, yeah, kind of, but like not really. Then back to the toilet, back to the puking. No diarrhea.

Like everything is coming straight up, straight out of me. At least that's nice. And, you know, we're going through like the courses, the progression of what I ate. First, it was like the most recent thing. Then it's like a bowl of cereal I had before that. Then like a cup of soup I had before that. It's like I'm seeing the entire day,

the entire day rewind out of my mouth in real time did you get down to like the dry heaves and just like the bile yeah that was like that's the stop that's the okay you've rewound the tape to the beginning let's that's it for now you don't have to worry about that then whatever's paining you is is unrelated to the food because none of that is in you anymore then uh i try to go to sleep with a heating pad on i'm like okay it still kind of hurts but i'm feeling a little bit better then 3 a.m comes up and i'm like god it just still feels like there's this ball of something trapped wind like or something like i can't fart out or burp out so i take a few tums that were sitting

by my bedside and i do what's the yoga position where it's like, uh, you're sort of like a roller coaster. Like you're, it's almost like a seal. So your head is up and your feet are laying on a bed. Yeah. Cobra of sorts. It looks like, you know, that like a half pipe. Right. And I like take deep breaths and suddenly like I hear this gurgling within me and it

starts like coming out of me, like all the whatever was in there like a fucking volcano erupting with this disgusting whatever was in me. So the Tums plus the puke plus the time I was I had texted you out like I think was for my time. I'm like, I don't think I'll be able to make this 10 a.m. meeting because it's right now and i'm sitting uh like sitting up in my bed and i can't lay down that's correct so i finally you made the meeting so shout out to you well for whatever reason what happened at four like i was able to like burp and pass and get rid of everything so i was able to just fall asleep and by like 10 a.m i'm like all right i'm to normal. But like I felt completely empty and dead inside. Was it an insane like voluminous resonant burp? Like was it satisfying or was it like kind of just like more and more burping coming up that like eventually fixed it? It was satisfying because it felt so internal.

Like I took a deep breath and I heard like gurgling that was like coming from deep deep deep deep within my body that's so good yeah someone who can't burp i'm sure you would appreciate this this feeling of like something that was stuck is now moving through my system and it felt so inside me getting out incredible so i don't know i don't know how i got it i'm not quite sure how it fixed itself but i guess my advice is to not get food poisoning do you but you feel like you know as you're throwing up like this was the thing that it was right like there's always like one food that as you're throwing up you're just thinking about and even if it wasn't it it's like it's somewhere somewhere like in in like in your soul you know yeah it was either it was either the chicken that we both had something in the

lettuce that we both had or like this store-bought soup that we both had before the dinner so i don't know what caused this thing to happen see the thing i've learned about food poisoning is that it's not necessarily like about the food like sometimes it's you ingest like a tiny little bit of fecal matter which that could have oh i see the lettuce like you just kind of ate a little bit of shit on friday you know right and i don't know how it got there it could have been from the sink it could have been from the dog it could have just been a random piece on the lettuce so like i don't have to throw the rest of it away but at the same time i, I'm not like, all right, let's try these greens again. Like last time I felt pain for 12 hours.

Let's eat. No lettuce is worth that. Is there, so has your appetite returned or you feel like I am going to stay away from chicken and salad for a little while? Appetite returned. The first day back was a little touch and go. It was very like bland rice and normal, like reacclimating my body to food. That was Friday.

Would you eat the exact same meal again if it was all newly prepared? Like if Avital made chicken and greens and she put it in front of you, you'd be like, oh, that's fine. Yeah, I think so. Because the food tasted good and I don't really know what it was. And I don't know specifically what happened. But yeah, I'm not like scarred from eating chicken and or greens anytime soon. I still, to this day, I got food poisoning 10 years ago, and I can't eat roasted red peppers.

Interesting. I don't like the taste of roasted red peppers anyway, so I'm fine with that. But you just think that was it? Yeah, and also when I was in France and I got food poisoning from duck, or whatever it was, I think it was the duck, but I still to this day can't eat duck. Interesting, and duck is great. You can't even have duck fat fries?

I guess I probably could have duck fat fries, but if I tasted the duck a lot in it, I would be sick. Wow. Yeah, I don't, I don't have that feeling. And I wonder if it was even like food poisoning or if it was actual gas and I would try to alleviate it by puking it up. I don't know. I just, I don't have enough information and now it's gone forever yeah it sounds like food poisoning you're throwing up that much i think there's there's not really anything else it could be yeah uh yeah all right so that's uh that's my gross little insight so don't poison yourself yeah that sounds nasty well yeah have you still been hands have you still yeah washing your hands is key too have you been still cooking as much as you have been or slowing down speeding up oh yeah last night i made i made um what did i make it's it's called something that i can't remember then oh here it is

i made um michuzi wa Samaki. It's a Tanzanian coconut fish curry. No, I know what it is. You don't have to say it. You knew what it was? Yeah. Tezuki Matsunami. Yeah, yeah. It's like this coconut curry thing, right?

Michuzi wa Samaki. It's Tanzanian. It was a coconut fish curry. And it was incredible. It was the best. Let's see it. You want to see a photo? Yeah.

Yeah. Again, you still need an Instagram for this food. You're taking these photos, but you want to see a photo yeah yeah again you still need an instagram for this food like you're taking these photos but you have to share them with the world it shouldn't just be for me it's true oh that's a good looking that's a good looking fish curry what's on the left what is there dark is that beans on the left uh no i also made just for just for fun and because um i was worried i was cooking for my dad and i didn't think he was gonna like the curry um so i also found like a tanzanian steak recipe just like beef skewers um wow and those actually those didn't come out that well i didn't like the way those came out

and neither did my dad well i think he did because they i thought they were too dry but my dad likes over done meat so it was perfect interesting so he's a well-done steak kind of guy yeah but actually he doesn't even i don't think he's ever had curry and he really liked it so interesting yeah wow never had curry my parents also don't eat indian food because they never had it growing up in israel yeah my i think that parent they're just they're just kind of like on autopilot when it comes to food my parents have chicken and pasta and a veggie and my mom has a veggie burger basically every single night yeah i guess it's it's hard to be adventurous at age 60 yeah they're not they're not well they, and you know what? They're usually not starting, but they were adventurous last night.

They definitely like, they'll eat when people cook for them, you know? They're not picky eaters. They're just set in their ways. They'll eat when you tell them to eat. So do they appreciate the Shay Jay of it all? The new chef version of you? I think so, yeah. Everybody's so supportive and nice to me when I cook.

It's so funny. It's almost insulting. If I didn't adore the attention so much, it would be. But it's great. All right, good work um another question shall we shan't we why not reminder that uh live show virtual live show tickets on location live dot com slash jake and amir or if i play my cards right it's at jake and amir.com right now just just check jake and amir.com to see if amir played his cards right and then maybe you'll buy a ticket but even if you don't you'll know you'll know if

i figured out auto forward forwarding on our name cheap account uh okay this one is called her fantasy fucked me um so ff we'll call this uh dude uh freddy farkas frontier pharmacist which is a game i used to play growing up what's up guys i've been listening since episode three yeah that's right i won't lie about it i'm not a day one fan but that's not the point close enough this this girl i've been talking to for around a month shared one of her deepest fantasies with me uh that has my mind scrambled like an egg inside lebron james she wants she wants a threesome with another girl okay cool she also wants a threesome with another guy okay not so cool then the big one she wants either another guy to watch us and touch his frankfurter or she wants me to watch

her and another guy while i touch my corn cob i don't care about the i don't care about the threesome with another girl at this point that was fine i guess yeah if you think about it yeah it's just the other shit i hate. I would suffice to say I very much just like her other fantasies. What should I do? Is she going to break up with me if I don't want to do these things? Should I break up with her? Should I just watch her and another guy, then live with a growing hatred for her

the rest of our lives? This is seriously bothering me. I would go as far as to say that I absolutely loathe these ideas. All except for the threesome with another girl one which is as i mentioned okay if we have to uh yeah so multiple fantasies uh a lot of which he's just not that into you this is ridiculous this isn't even a problem she gave you four fantasies one of which you agree with so like great there you go i have four fantasies uh one is also your dream and the other three you don't like but like you guys agree on one that's good so yeah there you go

but what if she's like honestly like it's like you making the beef for your dad. She's like, no, it's really just about the coconut curry, a.k.a. the one where a guy watches us fuck. What a weird one. Performative. I never thought of that as like a thing. Like, let's introduce someone else into the bedroom. Ooh. Yeah, but I just want them to watch us.

Oh, that seems odd. Like, I don't know. I feel very weird about that. Voyeur, I guess. Yeah, just a guy in the corner. I mean, it feels especially weird now because like everybody's just been like kind of quarantining with their loved ones. Yeah, he'd be in a mask. He'd be in a mask.

I have to. You'd have to be six feet away wearing a mask window open i feel like i've been in a situation like in not in my married life but in the past like we're like watching is like that could be like hot in in an interesting way yeah but also like that But also, like, this is, all of this stuff is not like she desperately wants to do it. You guys, like, talked about her fantasies,

like, things that she finds hot. And that doesn't mean that she, like, wants to do it or needs to do it with you. She's just, like, sharing stuff, you know? Yeah. There's not anything

you have to do with this information. Yeah. I guess you can have an honest conversation say this one feels good this one not so much and as for the last two i think i'd rather never do those at all yeah and you could just be like you know how important is that one that one's not on my radar um i realize i'm a hypocrite but i like the you and another girl one and not the me and another guy one is that kosher you know she's like well if you only choose one why don't we flip a fucking coin for it wow would you do that would you take that bet yeah if it was just that gamble if it was just down to two of them like uh uh the one you want threesome with another girl or threesome with another guy or guy in the room jango would you

flip that coin probably or dnd style roll that die i'd roll a die yeah i think i'd roll a die it's just another class it's a classic cost benefit analysis. Do you hate one more than you love the other? Yeah. And I mean, you could just ask your girlfriend. You could be like, of all of these fantasies, how much do you want any one of them to come true? And which one, if you could rank them? But like, I don't think there's ever really an expectation

when you share a fantasy for it to come true. That's why it's a fantasy. Yeah. You could just, you know, she told you her fantasies, you could say yours, and you don't necessarily be like, now that I've shared, what are the action items to make sure my fantasy comes to fruition? That's not really how it works you're just getting closer you're just like finding what turns each other

on you guys could like role play some of this stuff you could watch porn you could just be having sex and and say hey what's that guy doing in the corner he's watching yeah or maybe a virtual guy doesn't that feel like an omegle situation chat roulette totally i think that like yeah talking about fantasies and like maybe saying that you want any of them to happen is just like the root of it is that you want to spice up your sex life it's not like okay now we want to spice up our sex life the only thing that can do it is if i watch her get fucked by somebody and i don't want to do that because it would ruin your relationship for you so she's not she's not trying to ruin your relationship at the expense of her fantasy that's that's obvious but you guys yeah um you can talk about things that make you both feel good and that would spice up the sex life yeah um all right let us know how that goes please what if he's like i did the

coin flip thing and i'm over fucking four at this point i think she's loading it against me i rolled so low i can't even be in the room while she's fucking other people anymore the room where it happens it's so it's a guy in the corner just sort of yeah like he said touching his corn cob let us know freddy farkas keep us posted um all right instead of ending the show let's take another break and answer another question that's right wow more questions more answers more sponsors to thank on the other side of these messages love it thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z.

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Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back again. Okay, we got one last question to get through. Okay, let's hear it. This is sort of similar, but much lower stakes. It's a guy who's having problems watching movies with his girlfriend. Okay. I actually have the same.

I've got the same fucking issue. So I'm curious. Well, you don't know what this issue is. But yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of movie watching problems now that everybody's at home watching a movie every single night. Yeah, you're right. I'll tell you what my problem is, though. Okay. We'll call this guy Gene Siskel.

Writes, I've been dating this girl for about four and a half years, and it's been mostly great, except for this one thing. Since the never-ending quarantine slog has started, we've been watching a lot more movies and shows together, and some of which I swear to God either both of us have seen before, or she had mentioned that she has seen without me. Anyway, we play this game sometimes where we, like, make predictions about what's going to happen during these movies, because I don't know, it feels sort of cool when you call something way in advance but recently my girlfriend has been acting as though she's not seen this movie that i'm positive she has she'll just out of the blue call something like the end of the sixth sense or some shit and act like she wants me to be impressed i asked her if she had seen it before or heard about what happens and she assures me that she hasn't but i don't know if I believe her.

This has happened a few times now, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Am I overthinking this? How can I bring this up without seeming completely insane? She has seemed a little off lately, but usually is so genuine. So that's his very specific dilemma. Interesting. I bet he's dead the whole time time there's no way you haven't heard that before i what is that how it ends i was just guessing i feel is that what happened oh my god

i was right that's so random i feel like you can't you don't have to like address the ongoing issue like hey you've been doing this i've talked about this before this this just like just to address it as a one-off you've like she can slowly lose your trust on the move on on the calling the movie thing and then the game will kind of be ruined and you guys won't play anymore but yeah i don't think you need to like have a conversation the idea that she seems off lately it kind of just implies that she's like losing her mind and this is a very this is a very quarantined and together for four years because if it was just like a casual relationship like i could see like giving somebody the benefit of the doubt or playing stupid or being supportive

but after like four and a half years and one year consecutively in quarantine, he just like kind of stabbed like, I know you've seen this fucking movie before. I'm sorry. I'm not going to act impressed. I know what's going on here, babe. Cause you're going a little crazy.

I feel like after living a year in quarantine with somebody, the idea of like things left unsaid or like us not having conversations feels absolutely insane. I feel like I say literally everything on my mind. There's no like, oh, okay, let's just leave that there and not talk about it. Like everything gets talked about. You're caught up. It's a year-long road trip right so what's your what's your movie um chemistry issue i can't remember if i've talked

about i've definitely talked about this with you before i don't remember if it was on the podcast honestly anyway um jill talks throughout like movies and television just like sometimes she'll just be like oh this guy is like this this guy oh he was already at this thing right and then like i'll be like yeah she's like and then we'll continue watching she's like yeah because and then she's like still explaining as so anyway what i've she knows how much i like i don't like talking during movies or TV. I like, I don't like to miss anything.

I really don't like to be interrupted. So instead of being quiet, we started this thing where if she needs to say something, she'll just pause it. So I'm not missing anything, but she's still like, we're going to pause the show so I can hear her, her tape or how she got ahead or her interpretation.

And like, it's so, it's like kind of polite, but then it's still like, sometimes we'll be like, yeah, we'll just be like watching TV. It's like,

pause. Like, she's a teacher teaching me a class. Like, all right, I'm going to explain what's going on here. And like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, a teacher teaching me a class like all right i'm gonna explain what's going on here and like yeah yeah i mean it's hard to find two people that watch consume media the same ways like

even me and avital like watch completely different ways and it'd be fun to have them on to have them defend their way of watching a movie what i what's avital's way or you she's very she's very into like oh where's that person from i'm gonna see where that person's Avital's way? Or your way? She's very into like, oh, where's that person from? I'm going to see where that person's from. It's killing me and I need to hear, oh, I was thinking about this. Can I rewind it? I missed this one line.

It's like, yeah, just the guy who said hello like eight seconds ago. You didn't miss anything. I'm like, yeah, but now we're talking about this and I have to figure it out. And me, I'm like casually half watching shit,

making fun of it throughout. Like if I don't like a movie, I decide very early on and borderline ruin it for everyone else who's watching the movie with me so like we always leave the route we always leave the movie like it's been either tainted or mutually agreed upon that it was amazing based on how i'm acting during the movie like we never sit down move like lights off watch the entire film without saying anything. Like the way movies are meant to be seen in theaters. Like that's how it forces you.

You can't even pause to go to the bathroom. That is my goal, is pitch black, no one says anything, I watch the entire thing, and I maybe eat an entire plate of cookies or something. That's my ideal movie night. Yeah, yeah movie chemistry it's hard to it's hard to find and it's it's such a spotlight now because literally like it's 8 p.m what do you do it like do you watch a movie every night i watch sports so there's like a little bit of an out sometimes i play video games with my friends like yeah what are you doing every night at eight from eight to midnight are you watching a movie every night? No, we watch TV. But I mean, like the TV, TV is so good now that it's like, it's kind of like a movie,

you know, like I'll watch. But there's no night where you don't watch it, where it's like, oh, wow, it's 11 and we didn't watch movies or didn't watch a TV show. I mean, that'd be insane. That'd be bananas. That's bonkers. I can't even imagine. No.

Yeah. TV. There's no's no alternative every single night tv every night sometimes it's a movie on the weekends it's sometimes a movie sunday night's a movie night sunday night movie night did i tell you i was watching peaky blinders i think it's the best show on television my brother loves peaky blinders you could talk to ben about it i would i would love to i think it's the best show of all time i think it's the greatest show of our lifetime it's so fucking good so you have it at think it's the greatest show of our lifetime. It's so fucking good. So you have it at the head of the Mount Rushmore,

above those wires, the Sopranos, the Breaking Bads, the Mad Men, Peaky Blinders, A number one. It's above all. And I'm only, well, I'm starting season five, so I don't know if it's beginning to end perfect. Jesus, that's a lot. Yeah, you did not know. You did not know that Peaky Blinders

was like five or six seasons, but it is, and it's incredible. What about this? Do you guys have your own shows, your own movies? Or does she have to watch Peaky Blinders with you? I have none of my own shows because Jill and I are watching everything together, and when the only time, like, when I'm recording podcasts, like when I record an ad pod for like three or four hours

in a row jill watches something else and so she watches the crown she used to watch what's that um i think the crown is the big one she watched bridgerton she was watching um what's the one with um british brit, basically, without you? God damn, I can't think of that show. Never mind. I can't even think of a word to describe the show. That's how good it is. But yeah, she has more time when I'm recording where she needs to do something.

So she'll watch The Crown. That's the big one. I feel like I'm always watching her watch The Crown. And I think I would like The Crown. I wish I could watch it. Yeah, we often start shows together and she takes off like at a rate that I can't. I'm not a binge kind of guy. So it's like we watch one episode.

I'm like, I think that's good. And she's like, I'm gonna watch a few more. Cut to the next day. It's like, yeah, I'm 11 episodes deep. I couldn't stop myself wow i'm not i'm not a binger but i could definitely i can watch two jill doesn't even like to watch like two episodes in a row i'm like two yeah two in bed but i like to be in bed by 11 you know i'm not a crazy person yeah but with peaky you ever stretch it to three no we've never watched three

peaky blinders in a row that there's it's they're hour-long episodes we can't also like they're so good that there there are times where like we were burning through season three so fast and I was like we have to watch something else because Peaky Blinders is so good and I don't want it to be over like can you imagine a show that is so good that you don't want to watch an episode because it's gonna fucking finish faster like i guess that's where i like the most yeah i i would i rude the day that a succession season was over yeah oh yeah success god successions also really good it's not on the same level as peaky blinders peaky blinders is incredible It's the goat to you. It is. All right.

There we have it. So I guess drop it or bring it up a lot and say that it bothers you and have it gnaw away your conversation. It seems like it's going to eat away at you regardless of if you bring it up or don't. Right. But I think you can just stop believing her when you don't believe her. it's going to be fine you don't have to have a you don't have to have a conversation you could just start just start yeah right yeah right you saw this yeah yeah it's all you can go bingo bongo um all right uh maybe we'll have avital and Jill on the live show. They can defend their POVs of watching movies with us. Definitely. All right.

The email address, if you have your own questions or theme songs, is ifhouryoushow at gmail.com. Live show tickets available. I think it's online at like 6 a.m. So if you're listening to this at a normal hour, the tickets should be available at onlocationlive.com slash jakeandamir.

Or jakeandamir.com. And we're still on Patreon. Patreon.com slash J-A. Shout out to the Patreon boys and girls. So if you have any, or sorry, the opening theme song was written by, ooh, those three guys from Calgary. And this closing one is a Lost in the Woods parody, which is from a Disney movie, I want to say. Okay.

Let me look it up exactly. Lost in the Woods by Annie. woods um uh by annie annie ziegler from whoa from uh michigan and she uh something to plug is her new art account artabelle underscore z and p.s i'm a big fan of jeff tell him i say hi smiley face all right so artabelle underscore z aka annie ziegler um jeff if you're listening she says hi right and uh we'll be back next week bye bye everybody if i were you By Jake and Amir Ask your questions

And send them here Amir's a chipmunk And always gets the dirty and Jake will win the golden mic if I were you the best podcast they will answer all your questions and your concerns If I were you, written by these dudes One is cool, one is lame, guess which one? If I were you, tune in now and get your questions answered here. If I were you.