Segments - 475: Growth Spurt

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

In this episode we discuss bad gifts, good weather, and our live show on February 24th! (Tickets at JakeAndAmir.com)Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. Are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com.

That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. If I were you, yeah Give him the golden mic Give him the golden mic Give him the golden mic Give him the golden mic Give him the golden mic Chip him with the overbite But he said that he want the light

Okay, Jake was sort of right See, you gotta want it. You gotta want it so bad that you hunt it. You gotta want it so bad that it's driving you mad. You can't sleep because you thinking of pointing. But keep it to yourself. You don't want to tell anybody that you think you're in hell. Say you're doing swell.

Well, well, well, you don't care about it, homie. You will fail. You think that this dude's cruel? Bad rule? Bad you? Sad too? Said that you don't want it? Guess what?

That's a half-truth. See, Jake and I have kind of heard things. Murmurs that you're hurting. You really have got a lot of nerve, G. Gonna wind up with a turdy like. Give him the golden mic. Give him the golden mic. give him the golden mic give him the golden mic give him the golden mic give him the golden mic give him the golden mic but he said that he want the light okay jake was sort of right

wow perfect okay incredible just bravo i mean my god really yeah i liked that did you i did yeah what would you say if i told you it wasn't me it was that you didn't write it i didn't write it yeah that wouldn't i wanted to know you if you were like it wasn't that would make sense like i knew you didn't because it. Yeah. I wouldn't. No, if you were like, it wasn't, that would make sense. Like I knew you didn't because you don't have. You aren't talented. You're not. You're not talented.

And I don't even mean just like musically. Like, oh, I couldn't. You mean like rap wise? No, I mean like in any form. You have no talent. You have no like what's the ability you don't have the give him the golden mic oh give him the golden shit monkey i'm over i just feel bad i don't really have an overbite anyone at home listening can't see that you're also being ugly while you talk that's kind of crazy

because like that's yeah that's subjective though subjective objective that's your opinion i'm not that ugly if you ask the right women so my mom says i'm a six that actually wasn't bad that actually really yeah that's fine damn that's dope actually all right give me a beat i'll continue it um uh yeah no probably i was all right i wasn't what was it subjective um if you ask the right women what's your yeah if you ask the right women you can't even remember the like the decent rhyme you came up with i don't think it's cut out a A lot of it is, yeah, freestyling. And it's like, hair today, gone tomorrow if you ask the right women. No, that's not really, that's not really.

That wasn't it. That wasn't it. You lost it. I wedged the. Yeah, you took the old thing. Wedged the thing from the old thing. But it wasn't set up in the right way. you lost it you tried to yeah you took the old wedge the thing from the old thing but it's like you heard that something kind of worked and you latched on to that and you just are going to keep on repeating it hoping for the same how about this accolades the same outcome but that's not the way

it works yeah how about me back into it then all right well don't do it again just like come up with i don't like yeah okay are you gonna do it no it's like come up with... I don't like... Yeah, okay. Were you going to do it? No, it's fine, whatever. I was going to say, I don't like running. I don't like swimming, if you ask the right women or something. But that doesn't... It rhymes, but it's like you're just recycling. It's the third time.

Yeah, it's unrelated. It does rhyme, but it's disjointed. Unrelated, unheralded, bad, nasty shit. Now you're doing the thing where you insult yourself ahead of me, so it feels like it's not happening. It feels like you're coming up with the words, so it's actually not a blow to your ego, but I want you to know that I think it was bad.

You get, yeah. I think it's bad. Do you think most people hearing that would side with you? The last two things you tried to do yes i think there's a world where somebody liked the initial freestyle because i liked it so i think there's there's people out there that would troll my sorry ass to be like amir's actually a good rapper but they'd be wrong to really they'd be goading me into having a reaction which i wouldn't do because i know in my heart and hearts that you are a talentless hack i don't think so i mean i yeah i could do some shit pretty good actually

like what if you ask the right women nice um yeah sorry about that i didn't mean to like yeah commandeer the show as it were yeah derail the show have like a a rap that made me feel bad for you it's fine uh the original song the one that sort of launched a thousand lisps if you will is from uh this guy who raps under the name kr kr from winnipeg manitoba canada very cool love it uh if i was going to plug something it would uh it would be that i've released an improv dnd podcast inspired by nadpod called what We Do in the Basement. So check it out on social platforms, WWDI TV. Okay.

All right. Very cool. Very cool. But easy does it. I'd really hate to cede the throne, as it were. I kind of like... Remember... Yeah, I don't think...

You don't have to be, like, scared about that. You're good. Don't worry about it. Just, like, welcome him that. You're good. Don't worry about it. Just, like, welcome him with open arms. He's doing something that you inspire. I'm going to keep an eye on it and see if I need to sabotage it from the inside at some point. Like, maybe ask to be a guest. Go on the show and make it that.

Yeah. And then, like, so Discord. On their Discord, if they have a Discord. Remember, like, two or three weeks weeks ago we guessed what the temperature was in winnipeg and you're like it's pretty cold in new york it was like 30 uh so it was like 20 something in winnipeg yeah and we're like oh that's not that cold but since then there's been a snowstorm a cold front so i'm like i wonder how cold it is in winnipeg now yeah and it's negative 13 fahrenheit oh with a low of negative 31 fahrenheit all right which

yeah good 31 is that rare point on the negatives where it actually becomes 31 celsius as well so like fair it's so cold that fahrenheit and celsius sort of huddle together at like negative 32 and tremble in the cold that That's not good. Yeah. It's been snowing here the last like week, kind of like nonstop. Like I haven't seen the ground in a while. And it's like, is it like, is it magical or is it overstayed its welcome at this point? It's definitely not magical

because there's been some like sunny, it's been sunny and cold so most of the snow has turned to like slush then it will like refreeze at night so it's just like that oh it becomes the brown sludge um yeah sloshy nasty not are you to look are you well equipped to see i am well equipped in that when i need to go anywhere my car has four-wheel drive so that's nice it's been that's good to be able to get out of parking spots like on the boots are your socks getting wet or you're wearing wool socks thick boots staying dry from the the thigh down i have i've got wool socks i've got long underwear. I have thigh-high boots.

I have those big old fuck-me boots. Stilettos and shit. Yeah. Yeah. You look like a dominatrix or something. I see their red leather. You have kinky boots on. Kinky boots, tutu, an apron, rubber rubber gloves Mickey Mouse ears

and a Flava Flav clock medallion so yeah I'm pretty good are you checking the weather or are you like I just know it'll be bad until March and so there's sunny and really cold and cloudy and not that cold but it's all

not great no I check the weather because I like to go on long bike rides when it is above 40 degrees that's my threshold if it if it like is in the the mid to high 40s which i've seen like i saw that a month ago i'll i'll go out there and i'll paint the sidewalk red i will ride my bike and there's room for you yeah oh wow and are there days where it doesn't hit that you're like all right this is a non-40 degree day yeah i look at like the 10-day forecast and if it's like oh here's a day where it's 45 and not like raining i'm like oh that's a day i'll go on a bike ride um and that hasn't happened for me for a month so it's not great if all of the days have been a month sub 30 um since like i guess like the middle of january yeah and now we just it's

just the waiting game for the world to thaw a little bit yeah the excessive cold warning that's right i can look at my last i'm gonna look at my last bike ride and I'll tell you when it was. It was. We should say we're recording this on February 11th. This is coming out on February 15th. The last bike ride was, drum roll please, October 3rd. I went half a mile. I rode to a McDonald's.

I went January 22nd. January 22nd. I rode to a McDonald's. I went January 22nd. January 22nd. So less than a month ago. Got it. Not terrible, but not great either. Not ideal. It's not ideal. And on the forecast, anything sunny and good enough?

Or are we staying cold? If it's negative 30 in Winnipeg, I don't like your chances. No, yeah. The highest it's getting uh this week is 36 and even even that day there's a 50 chance of snow so i don't like the i don't like the odds not great no yeah what's uh what's the weather i guess what about where you are is it is it cold in la uh it was a little chilly obviously the, the numbers are skewed. But today, it's nice and sunny. Let me see.

It feels like it's, yeah, it's 72 and sunny. How much time do you spend outside? Like, will you sit in your yard? Yeah, sometimes I'll sit in my yard and I'll, like, drink an iced coffee or I'll sit or take a walk around my block. And, like, it's, like, the kind of cold where if you wear a sweatshirt then like you have to take it off halfway through because it's like hot in the sun yeah although it has been it has been raining occasionally which has been nice that's cool i think that i not like my least least favorite but i think the kind of weather where you have to wear a sweatshirt but

then get too hot for it is some of the worst i think that's oh really yeah because then you're a little sweaty where you have to and you have to carry a sweatshirt i like yeah i like the weather to just make a fucking call you know be hot be like don't give me 62 because then you can't really go out in just a tea you have to warm up yeah but then you're wearing a sweatshirt suddenly it's 65 66 you're in the sun you're like this is too hot for a sweatshirt suddenly it's 65 66 you're in the sun you're like this is too hot for a sweatshirt and it's too it's not just too hot for a sweatshirt it's too hot to carry a sweatshirt that becomes like this annoying little chore that you have i feel like yeah how do you come like do you tie it over the shoulders do you hold it hold it just like in your hand

sort of a single yeah it's not it's not yeah do you do the single drape what's the what's the goat way of carrying a sweatshirt when it's a little too warm out i hate it i i truly think the goat way to do it is just have a backpack it's not oh interesting because like i'll a backpack is like kind of heavy and cumbersome but at least it's like supposed to be on your back and you can kind of not notice it i think that like i'll usually tie i'll usually hold it yeah i'll tie it i'll hold it until i tie it i don't like to tie it because then it's then you're wearing a hot skirt and i don't think that's where where you want to be on like a on a mildly warm day i don't want to be wearing a fucking a heavy cloth skirt on my ass that's not good yeah you can wear it across your front like this

sort of hoodie a hoodie meets kilt situation so it's your zipper near your zipper and it dangles and rips and sort of kisses in front of you it leads the way sort of like a flower boy or a little flower girl as it clinks together and announces your arrival to any passers by it is an usher for you yeah to usher in a new season and if you ask the right women yeah that would like work i forget how i got right yeah like you knew you shouldn't have given me the attaboy it was a nuts initur yeah now i'm like kind of borderline obsessed with getting that you know that like fucking little rush that you get sometimes that dopamine you will never get that again what i gave you initially which was more than you deserved

was the most you would ever get that attaboy try not to recreate that because you'll like at this point you've tried to recreate it i think four or five times and and it's always fallen short yeah you're gonna it seems like you're gonna do a one doctor billion women was that funny you're laughing but i don't know if it's like a way that makes me small. Yeah, it is. I was laughing because you looked small just then. That's cool. No, that's funny.

All right. Anyway, welcome to the show. This is If I Were You, only advice podcast on the internet, almost eight years running now. It's still the only one hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. We are not just discussing

whether we're answering questions here people you found some good uh cues for us to a why don't we switch it up and you read some of these i'll rest my voice for a little bit i and would love to okay and yeah maybe maybe the little reversal will let me be funny enough to whatever i don't want to put it out there but you you know what i'm sort of trending towards i wonder if there's a world where let's just read it i don't even want to act like i want it or not because i can't really keep track of how to earn it i'm treading so lightly but yes all right yeah just be careful i'm treading so lightly i'm trying politely to ask you if i can have it but i will keep it i'm tempered my expectations if it comes it comes and maybe it will read the fucking questions not in a rude way excuse me casual cussing on the

podcast that's yeah i we can bleep it out all right we can bleep it out the question so that's editing work you're cussing on the podcast costing us time i don't know i feel like no i'm not i won't i won't okay don't make any decisions i'm not making any decisions i'm just letting you know sorry yeah my dog's barking by the way that's not me like okay that's further derailment of the show penalized you should let your mailman know when the best time to come is do you understand you but it's yeah it's not just okay it's not just the male person because like any trick that goes by sort of luke acts like he's the sheriff you should wants them to go away okay i feel like what the way this makes me feel is that you don't think of the podcast as a priority i do and i do i do it's not high on your list of priorities if you if it's a priority then you

have other priorities that that outrank this okay that's what i that's that's what thank you thank you now i want to continue and decide on continue let's hash it out because i feel like this is something that we have to we can't sweep it under the rug we have to dig in we have to massage this thing out of here i think the podcast is a low priority for you even if it is a priority i think it's low on the list do you understand what i'm saying i do i do and I do. I do. And? Let's, uh... I was wondering if you feel like... I appreciate the feedback.

Do you feel like you deserve... No, I don't agree. Do you feel like you deserve something for the way you behaved this episode? I was wondering if you wanted to preempt anything by giving yourself something, if you wanted to preempt anything by giving yourself something if you feel if you have to know i and you're i'm just answering your question i'm not even like trying to get there myself right i'm just like whatever about it in a way that's interested in it but not overdoing it i think this could be an episode where i get the golden mic or not

and that's a dirty and that's a dirty and that is a dirty yeah what happened you called for it you don't call for it you don't you don't fucking ask for it like that i wanted to move past it let's just cut this part out slice up pizza no read the read the read the question let's go first question you don't just ask for it say hey can i have an award no i didn't say that. It's tacky. It's tacky. It's tacky. Yeah, you were coaxing it out. Nah.

Nah. Nah. Mm-mm. That rubbed me the wrong way. I bristle. I think I really bristle at what you've just did. I think so, too. And it kind of felt like you were leading me there. That's why I didn't, I honestly wanted to go past it. And you said, no, I think we should massage this out of you.

Can we just pretend I didn't say anything? Can we just go back to the point where I was like, first question you go and yeah, I don't even want to like, I wonder if we can just cut this part out if that's okay with you. I'll give you another chance. I'll give you another chance. But let's try to make the podcast the most important thing of at least the day. Okay? Can you do me that favor?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. No dogs barking. No dogs barking. yeah and could you focus on the show and not the hardware and you make up a good you make a good point cool and why don't we just issue all the listeners an apology a public apology quickly before we move on um all right we're sorry no no no no we're because no dog is barking over here

podcast is a top priority to me uh i'm i'm sorry for the i actually don't even know if it was my dog at this point it might have been a dog outside but i'm sorry for um having that in there at a certain point and i won't have it that way again and i look forward to being relaxed offbeat and colorful going forward i think we we have to go to break before this question. Oh my God. Why? I accept your apology because we've been recording for a little bit of time. We've got to go to break. I accept your apology.

I hope the listeners accept your apology. Unfortunately, because we are having to go to break because of your long-winded apology, which really meandered and stretched on beyond beyond what it needed to it was fast compared to what the setup to it was no it mucked up the gears it held us up and it's resulted it's result the outcome of of your of your fumbled apology i'll say is that we have to go to break before we've answered a question. While I accept this apology, I have to give you a turdy because of what you've done. You said you wanted me to fucking apologize. I did.

And then you said, okay, let's start the record clean. But now you're giving me yet another turdy. Do you think you deserve a golden mic for this episode? Or is it still up for grabs? I can have it too. I've said this explicitly. I've said it many times. You cannot win a turdy and a golden mic in the same episode.

The golden mic has not been awarded, but because you don't even know the fucking rules, it really grinds my gears. I bristle at it. I've said said it before but i bristle against this it rubs me the wrong way and yeah and if i can be completely frank i think that you've been you've been a tacky host for the for the for you know this this episode this week and and i think me sharing me sharing this and being as open and honest with you as i've been reflects really well on me and i get the golden mic because because of um the way that i clearly kind of like prioritized the show and our relationship.

You're nodding. You're nodding. You're nodding. You're like, you don't want to give it to yourself, but you have to almost in a way. That's the attitude here. Like, it's not up to you, but this is just the way the cookie crumbled, you think? I don't like to accept the Golden Mikes like this. You love it.

No, I do not. You love to accept it like this. It's an honor. I'm chuffed. I'm cheesed. I'm pleased. And I'm just really, you know, it's a joy and a privilege to be able to accept these accolades, these awards.

You said, yeah, you said you don't like to accept it like this, but you're pleased and it's a joy to do it. So you do like it. I don't like when I have to win them because of something that you fucked up.

I like to earn them. I don't like them to fall in my lap by default, but I'm not going to disrespect them. I not gonna disrespect them i get it i get it you get it and yeah sorry whatever let's just fucking take a break this is so stupid i i don't i honestly don't even care anymore you're sure and that's that's the kind of like whatever attitude i feel like you sometimes have that gets you the award so you wanna whatever who gives a shit do you think i'm about to give you another 30 for not giving a shit we'll be right back we'll be right back to take a break thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show

hell yeah jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we are back. All right. No unsolicited. We have to get to the questions for Crying Out Loud. Enough about the hardware. And I really think you're going to like this one, actually.

Okay. What's yours? This is from someone who has tall problems. So do you want to give them a name? A tall person? Let's call him Tall. Okay. Paul Tall writes,

Dear Jake and Amir, Tall Paul, I am a high schooler, and over the last few months, I have had a growth spurt going from five, seven to six feet. As we have been quarantined, I do not, I do, and I do online school. I haven't seen anyone aside from some family in almost three months.

As all my friends used to make fun of me for being short. I was on the JV basketball team and only played maybe once. I want to surprise, sorry. I want to surprise them with something big. I'm not actually mad, but I am now taller than most of them and want to rub sorry i want to surprise them with something big i'm not actually mad but i am now taller than most of them and want to rub that in their faces i'm meeting up with a bunch of friends in a couple of months when our parents get vaccines what do you think i should do should i learn how to dunk should i pretend i'm someone else i would appreciate your advice should i pretend i'm someone else what he wants to debut as a tall he went from

five seven to six feet in three months which is pretty i mean that's fucking crazy that's like a yeah i almost don't believe it in three months he said or since the quarantine began um he said the last few months i've had a big growth spurt um we've been quarantined i haven't seen anyone except for from some family except for some family in almost three months so wow i mean you grow fast when you're in high school but that is that's impressive do you remember a growth spurt in your life like i remember being short and then i remember being average i went from like five i was very short i was like five three in like ninth grade when everyone else was like five nine five ten but i

don't remember growing oh interesting like i don't remember now i'm 5 11 i just remember being 5 11 yeah i guess in in i didn't have a growth spurt but i definitely i started like ninth grade six feet tall like i was tall in high school in sixth grade or ninth grade grade, six feet tall. Like I was tall in high school. In sixth grade or ninth grade, you were six feet tall? Maybe not six. I mean, I was, yeah, I was, I got tall kind of fast because I was, I was like tall and thin. It wasn't a great body type. Yeah, I was tall for my age.

I was taller than other people in school. Do you remember how big big how tall you were like in six or seven like your bar mitzvah do you remember having a height i wouldn't so i had a crazy growth spurt i was i was six foot nine when i was 13 and then i so i wow and then i ended up coming back down you had a growth dirt yeah so you actually go towards you went down yeah a growth dearth i don't know i don't remember um how tall i was like in eighth or ninth grade i think i was basically always average height except for maybe like a little tall like in ninth and tenth grade but i also think i was like before everybody very skinny also so i don't know if I was like tall and skinny or regular height and skinny and just looked tall because I was so thin so now this guy wants to

debut taunt himself right Willy Wonka style sort of limp out of a house and everyone goes oh what is that and then he collapses does a flip and lands on his two feet I'm six now which is how tall were you before? Five, seven. Oh, I don't remember. It's a really impressive growth spurt, but that's what I worry about. That if you lean too hard on it,

your reveal is not going to be as satisfying as you want it to be. Imagine like, imagine standing up in like, or like you're wearing a fake beard and a hat and then you take it off and you're like, you didn't know who the tall guy was, but it was me. And then to be like, oh yeah, Paul, you look like you grew like an inch or two. It's like, no, no, no. Yeah.

I didn't. I grew more. I grew five actually. It's like a thing you have, you can't debut it. Like you can't take off a hat and reveal the hair. You can't pull off the hat and reveal the hair you can't pull off the beard and reveal your face you can't pull off five seven and reveal six feet yeah like it doesn't work like that yeah what could i mean the only real reveal is that like you have to be sure

that you arrive first so you can so you can sit down and then like at a certain point stand up but i feel like there's a chance no one will notice like yeah eventually they will but it could just be like oh yeah you're like around the same size as us or you're like an inch taller than us now you have to get you have yeah you have to sit down and then stand. And then it's sort of like a gamble to be like, will anybody even care? And I bet most people don't fully remember that you were 5'7 vs. 6". It's a huge deal for you and maybe some close friends. Although 5'7 to 6 is pretty big, actually, now that I think about it. Like if anybody I know who was 5'7 shows up to my house and they were 6 feet.

Yeah, I guess that's true. That's noticeable. Definitely, yeah. that's true. That's noticeable. Definitely. Yeah, it would be. It would be. I guess if he got bigger in other regards, too. If he had a real glow. That's cool.

Gains. But I think, I still think no matter what, even if you're not protecting against people not noticing. Because you're right. I think people will notice. I still feel like the coolest thing you can do is be cavalier. You just got to not give a damn and let everybody else give the damn for you. Yeah. Or you can literally be a cavalier.

So like you're Matthew De La Vadova, who's also like 6'1". Is Dele back on the Cavs? I think he is, but he's just hurt. So he rarely plays. And I think he might also be six feet. So that's what we should have called this guy well you didn't know at the time when you gave him the name but that's that he was going to be cavalier yeah he's listed he's listed at six four so maybe it's just one of those things where every every short person in the nba seems short but they're actually really tall right

i think so although my brother said he met della vva once, and he was taller than he was. Okay, maybe he's 6'2", 6'3". Either way, he could have been 5'7", shot up to 6'2", as well. Act cool, be cool, be casual, and let the compliments pour in. Love it. And now, let's do another question. Okay. This one is actually, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to end on another favorite. So this one's, this one's just a, a, a question from a boy about getting his girlfriend a

gift. Okay. I also, I realized we haven't talked about our live show. We're doing a virtual live show on Wednesday, February 24th. So in a week and a half after this podcast comes out. So if you're listening to this episode before Wednesday, February 24th, you could still get tickets. It's going to be like a podcast, but longer, better, more guests,

funny questions, funny answers. With video. And we're not going to release it as a live, yeah, video. And we're not going to release it as a live, yeah, video. And we're not going to release it as a regular podcast. This is your one opportunity to hear it. And you can get tickets at jakeandemir.com. Yes. And we found a question that is so good that we're actually saving it for the live show.

If that's not a tease, I don't know what is. All right. This one, the subject is TikTokok and booty would you care to give this gentleman a name tiktok and booty is he uh it's a male so let's call him noah beck who's sort of like a cool tiktoker um who lives in a hype house here in la who hasn't been answering my dms get back to me noah i think it's 20 and he's ripped 45 all right i am a double his everything that's right but i'm smaller than actually half his net worth shredded yeah he looks like a fucking abercrombie model and he can dance pretty fucking fine too anyway you know you dance pretty well. Let me see. Can I see how you dance? Let's see.

Well, he's like really good. So he'll be like, oh, ew. Oh my God. Jesus. Jesus Christ. That was just like a silly short sample. It wasn't even anything I can do. Your wrists are so limp.

Your fingernails. The zoom quality is not great, but I can see how long they are. I haven't trimmed them in a minute. Is that a very dirty shoe? I saw some really bad pit stains when you lifted your arm. I'm sweaty because I'm nervous about talking to Noah. And this isn't even him. We're just calling this kid Noah.

All right, let's hear it. Noah writes, I am a 25-year- old from canada and i am a certified butt guy shout out to my brethren recently i have been seeing a lot of attractive girls on tiktok wearing nike pro shorts for context amir these are basically just tight spandex shorts that showcase butts really well i will assume jake is already aware of them and yes i am to clarify i'm not a scumbag weirdo my My girlfriend is crazy hot. She's a dime piece, true North strong and free smoke show. And I love her entirely. However, given my attraction to this clothing article, I would like my girlfriend to wear a pair as her

ass is fat. And I think she will look really great in them. That being the case, my girlfriend is not an idiot, humble brag. If I suggest to her that I would like to buy her a pair, she will question my sudden interest in these shorts. How can I bring this up? How can I bring up this ask to my girlfriend? I think I will need to ask her before buying them as female clothing is confusing and I don't know what size she is. Cordially, Noah. So he found it on TikTok. Is that what the TikTok part of it is? I guess so. He's been watching booty videos on TikTok, found out that he liked this particular type of shorts, wants to get them for his girlfriend, but doesn't want her to be like, you only know about these shorts because you look at girls asses on tiktok yeah that's i mean i feel like if you gave her a gift it would be uh a very exciting moment for her she won't be mad that you got the

idea elsewhere yeah so and if she is you could be like no i just uh i've found it was an instagram ad and i thought you'd look hot in these shorts. And then if she's still mad at you, you can say, I swear to God, I've never seen an ass before. I thought this was a bra. And if she's still mad, then it's like, it's over for you two. I think she was just pissed about something else it is like this dude must look at so many asses on tiktok to feel this worried that his girlfriend could call him out like i don't think any rational person gets a gift and instantly is like were you checking these out on other women like that's yeah i mean it's almost val's Day. Yeah. I think if you could...

If you get someone anything that, like, I think your butt would look good... Wait, I bought... I got Jill a pair of these bike shorts. I bought... Yeah. And it was, I think, just because I... Like, not because I was looking at videos on TikTok. Not that I saw anything on Instagram.

Not at all. But... But... Oh, fuck! Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt. Butt, butt, butt. saw anything on instagram not at all but oh but but but but but i like big butts and i cannot lie they're like kind of trendy it's not like they're on tiktok because they're like an in fashion item if you go to like nike.com they're advertised on the front page you could just be like i was buying socks i saw these they looked i like you would look hot in them i got them yeah i think you can get away with this just say that you bought fucking

exercise shorts and they sent you an extra pair by accident then you can get all the cool everything you want you just won't get the credit for like actually buying the gift but if the end is to really just see your girlfriend in the hot pants then that's fine i mean she can't be mad there's no way it's a gift the truth is not that bad like you saw people on instagram that looked hot in this and thought your girlfriend would look hotter how could anyone be mad that's good it's that's the key word it's the hotter i saw people look wearing this and you would be hotter in it than they are that's why i wanted to see you in these shorts sorry for caring so much why are my why am i being put on the stand what did you get me why am i in trouble like a what if she got him this picture

of another guy so it's like yeah i got you a picture of fucking noah beck and i've been seeing his tick talking buddy you ain't even close are you looking him up or something because yeah yeah he's pretty yeah he's he's actually really cute and he used to play soccer so he's i don't yeah he's only pretty if you ask the right women yeah he. He sort of looks like an Abercrombie model of sorts. So, like, he's famous and hot. He's not that hot. Did I mention he's dating Charlie's sister? Huh?

Oh, suddenly you give a shit. No, I couldn't care less, man. Really? Because I was going to sort of throw it throw another wrench into i don't even know who charlie is let alone charlie's sister yeah so charlie d'amelio who's sort of the number one most famous tiktoker in the world obviously didn't want to move to hype house because she's got her own things going on so she sends her older sister in there, who's by fucking relation the second most famous person, Dixie D'Amelio. Ever heard of her?

No. Yeah, suddenly you give a shit. I don't. Anyway, her and Noah have been low-key dating for six months. Charlie, wait. High-key. Charlie D'Amelio is fucking 16. You're disgusting.

Dude, she was 16. She's probably 17 by this point this is so fucked up anyway her sister is now dating noah beck which is kind of a big fucking deal like do you remember when maryland monroe fucked jfk i don't remember i wasn't alive really huh yeah charlie's the the number one tiktok star she's got over a hundred million followers on there and oh yeah oh Jake look she's from Connecticut yeah it's so weird that there's like a famous person

I don't know if there's a connection there you can potentially milk no okay we're gonna go we're going we're going to break okay before you really fucking alienate everybody I'm just wondering if your mom grew up with a D'Amelio because they're not that dissimilar in terms of we'll be right back we'll be right back with another final question thank

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we are back with a final question actually it is in the theme of gift giving and if we were if we were certain that people weren't going to scrutinize gifts uh and last question i actually think we're in for a rude awakening blumenfeld let's whoa give this gentleman a name who who's having terrarium troubles how about tom brady the ultimate gift giver for he gave an entire um city the gift of a super bowl recently and then i had to send you a basketball card which is on the way but you haven't received

it yet oh yeah we forgot to talk about the fact that i won the bet it was almost like since the game was so bad it like didn't even feel like i won the bet it was just like i don't know i was i was surprised by the super bowl that was a wild that was a wild time it almost like what i guess it wasn't even a bad game because the outcome was so wildly different than anyone expected so that was kind of fun i would say it was yeah fun story because it was the underdog quote unquote one but the underdog was just tom brady so it didn't really feel like the underdog and pat mahomes felt like the underdog because his offensive line the people that protect him just didn't do anything so yeah every time he scrambled back he sort of ran backwards 53 yards and then jumped in the air turned around and threw a laser to one of his

receivers in the end he really showcased that was fun that's for sure it almost yeah it felt like the 2016 election except with much lower stakes yeah like underdog wins you didn't really expect it you're kind of taken aback you're a little disillusioned but at least tom brady's not going to be the president for four years okay we. We're going to call this guy, Tom Brady, Tom Brady writes, Jake and Amir second time writing in first time. It actually kind of matters. So basically we should find what he, what he realized him. So basically I've been with my girlfriend for nearly seven months now.

And after having spent some time in the same friend group and casually hooking up, uh, she is great in so many respects, but something happened recently that really rubbed me the wrong way it was her birthday and i'm not very good with thinking of gifts for people so after spending a lot of time looking i got her a 50 pound terrarium that's around 68 that's the yeah british pounds not the not a weight yeah um these things are expensive

because i knew she likes plants i don't't know. I thought it was cute. On her birthday, she seemed really grateful for it. But on a FaceTime call a few days later, she asked how much it cost. She kept naming numbers. And finally, stupidly, I let slip the rough price. She proceeded to berate me for getting her something so expensive, saying I shouldn't have done it. And she didn't appreciate the gift anymore.

I expressed how that hurt my feelings, and we moved on. And then around a week later, it came up again, and she told me that after discussing it with her family, she was absolutely certain it was a stupid thing for me to do. Now, she's told me before that she's not a gift person, and that she prefers quality time, something I've attended to as best I can during COVID. But still, couldn't she at least appreciate the thought, the gesture, and the fact

that my feelings hurt didn't matter at all to her? Am I being too sensitive, or is something about this kind of messed up? I fear that if this is the way she acts about one innocent gift, it doesn't bode well for the rest of the relationship i want to know what you two think especially with amir's expertise in all things botanical thanks a bunch this is this came up recently right like a guy wanted to give his girlfriend a terrarium or an aquarium or something like yeah this is the second terrarium uh gift that we had but that guy was that guy was like making it and he was deciding between making a terrarium and something else. And I think we just told him to do both. Yeah. Tom went overboard here, I guess, with a 50 pound terrarium. Is that what he said? That's the weight of, you know, a small child

worth of glass and marsh to grow these plants in? Well, if 50 pounds was just the cost i don't know how how big the terrarium was oh i thought it was the weight no this guy's british yeah no this guy this the girl the issue is that she thinks it was too much money to spend on a gift she yeah got the terrarium was happy a couple days later after it sunk in, she wanted to know the price. He reluctantly told her. She got mad, said she didn't appreciate it anymore. Too expensive. After that, after that was a wash, she, for some reason, brought it up with her family and then told him again that after discussing it with the family, she really didn't appreciate the gift.

That's insane tom i think i would be i would be passive aggressive and be like totally you're right sorry i gave you a gift i'll take it back now that's how i would handle it be like i can't believe i gave you this gift god what an asshole i am 50 pounds what was i thinking in a way that sort of would hopefully make her re-examine what she's accusing him of. It's crazy because like this is one of those things that it's so small you're like are you really gonna like end a relationship over a terrarium but I feel like the reaction is so egregious that I don't know how you come back from it. Yeah I mean would you say the reaction

is appropriate if the thing costs like 5,000 pounds? Like, is that an appropriate reaction to any gift? Aside from the fact that 50 pounds is not that much money. In a Jake and Amir video, I believe I have this reaction to you getting me a Rolex. Right, like a $10,000 watch. I have to say 50 British pounds is like 70 American dollars. That's right. I have to say 50 British pounds is like 70 American dollars. That's right. I think he said 68.

But so, yeah. Which is a lot, but not like egregious for a gift. Well, it all depends like how much, like they might be really young. I don't know like what their financial situation is. So maybe it's just like an indicator of like, you don't have this much money and you shouldn't have spent it on a terrarium for me. But to, and which is fine. I think to like care about this dude's financials are like one thing,

be like, don't spend this amount of money on me. I know you care about this other stuff you need to spend your money on, but to be like, I don't appreciate the gift that that's the stance that I don't understand. You can, yeah, it went from like a gassed at the amount that someone spent, but still appreciate that they felt like they needed to spend that money

because they didn't know what to get you. Yeah, I went from polite of like, you shouldn't have, to like actual anger. No, seriously, you should not have done this. Yeah, like why did you do that? Yeah. no seriously you should not have done this yeah like why did you do that yeah i think i think post first conversation that's like that's like a strike but you can move past that the second one where she says that where she's been stewing with this like you were so far in the wrong that she brought it up with the family and now they're against you too that's crazy that's yeah that's also that's

that's a difficult that's a slippery slope because a lot of times your friends and family have to agree with you when you're mad there's not a lot of friends and family that would be like actually i take their side with this even though you're in our family and you're our friend so you should always take the friends and family feedback with a grain of salt they're listening to it through you they're hearing the story through you and they want to be nice to you because you're in distress so like if they're ever on the other person's side you really fucked up right that's true uh so yeah this lady um she doesn't deserve you tom you did a great thing you got her an awesome gift and

she's mad at you for it that's that's not nice it's not okay it's uncouth it's uncouth it's uncultured all you can really do is off color play play her and her family this section of the podcast and we'll see how they feel that's really all that can happen they probably all listen quietly intently and then give it a standing ovation at a certain point like wow these two blokes changed our minds forever long live the queen long live the terrarium and then they all fucking move into it. I thought it was 50 pounds, like the weight. So I was way off too. But yeah, I still wouldn't. Have you ever said you shouldn't have with a gift?

Like, don't do this. You can return this. This is too much money. Too much, too fast, too soon. I don't think so. I can't remember now if I told the story about Jill's wedding ring on the podcast when she was trying to, when we were like guessing how much money it costs.

Did I tell this story? I think I did. Oh yeah. And she guessed you didn't want to tell her, but then she gets really low and you're like, all right, you have to know that it's not even close to that. Yeah.

So that, I think that's, I haven't ever been like, you shouldn't have gotten me this. No, no. I always just, I owe, I know't have gotten me this. No. No. I always just, I know how to appreciate a gift. I'm not a fucking asshole.

No. That's the best thing about me. I'll be like, thanks for this gift. And I won't even fucking mean it. I'll look someone in the eye, shake their hand, but you don't understand how much this means to me, brother. Tear in my eye. I've never wanted anything more and i haven't thank you

thank you uh sorry this is just a robex gift card it was like five dollars you don't you don't have to cry i don't think you understand how much i need a smoothie to be able to supplant that's all yeah i won't even cover the cover the full price of one but even to subsidize it's really even to subsidize it it means a lot it's a punch seven of them seven of them to go i just don't go there anymore so never mind i'm gonna give it to someone else looks like this one's expired but tell you what the thought the thought uh all right well thanks for writing in those emails if you have your own questions your own theme song send them to if i were your show at gmail.com again we're doing a

virtual live show of this podcast so if you want to see us live answering questions with funny friends tickets are at jakeandamir.com wednesday february 24th and then you can watch the show i think for like up to a week after that as well for real all right do it see you there uh the opening theme song was from kevin ramburan aka kr aka the host of the what we do in the basement podcast and this closing theme song is by our old friend, Don Kianian. Oh, all right. Plug the SoundCloud, D Kianian, K-I-A-N-I-A-N.

And he just released a new track called The Way I Wanna Be. And it's got some chill house slash alt rock vibes. So if you guys like this song, then you'll like that album. And he says, shout out to the Discord. He's been hopping on random voice calls with folks, and it's been super fun. Wow. So if you're a patron, shout out to our Patreon,

patreon.com slash JA. There's a channel on Discord of other patrons. You can hop into voice chats. Maybe we'll hop into some of those voice chats. I want to talk to our fans for Christ's sake. It's been too long. We should. All right, let's do it.

So check that out as well. Alright, sweet. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye! Bye. Welcome to the show, folks Bingo, bingo Welcome to the show, folks This is a question On the Slipknot Show Go, go, go, go, go, go Go, go, go, go, go, go Ready for rights?

Go, go, go, go, go, go Bingo, bingo, welcome to the show, folks. That's really good. That was a Hidgum original.