Segments - 477: Live Show Lightning Round

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

We get to as many questions as possible that were asked during our virtual live show last week -- including our favorite whiskeys, our least favorite sauces, and whether it's ever okay to masturbate in the same room as a puppy.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. for ages. He gets them for what he's saying. He keeps trying, but he can't win. Golden Mike is what he's chasing. I'm here, woke up next to a turdy.

I'm here, woke up next to a turdy. I'm here, woke up next to a turdy. I'm here, woke up next to a turdy. I'm here woke up next to a turdy I'm here woke up next to a turdy I'm here woke up next to a turdy Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

That's a fucking jam. Fuck you, Blumenfeld. Oh my God. Let's do it. Sunday. Fuck you, Blumenfeld. Oh my god. Let's do it. Sunday. Come on. I love it. Having fun.

Do you think for a second how I would feel hearing that? What do you mean? First of all, the song is awesome. It's an awesome jam. The song was a good beat. I like that it's a parody of bugatti by like ace hood but i didn't like the message of it and then right when it was done i was hoping the dude took the fucking time the energy and the trouble to write a song about you yeah like you're the chorus of that

song that's pretty fucking chill the first thing you said the first thing you said was yeah fuck fuck you blumenfeld yeah because it had that kind of energy all right and now like for the rest of your energy i think that it hurt that hurts to hear and then like into the podcast i have to now like you basically punched me in the face before a show it's frustrating that we can have a jam like that a theme song that bumps so hard and we're like you yes you got this like fucking awesome energy and then we get started and instantly you're complaining and you're a you put a damper you're a debbie downer i thought you're gonna that's take my side and be like it sucks that the that good beat that good song had such

a nasty negative mention towards one of us me you're specifically featured in that song you don't think it's cool that somebody wrote a song about you i think that's pretty fucking rad actually i love the verse about me up top it wasn't just golden mike stuff it wasn't just anybody it was it was tony party who you can follow on instagram and soundcloud at soundcloud.com slash Tony party. That's a good, that's a good URL. That's a good name. Yeah. It's two things that are really easy to say and spell.

The funny thing is his real name and have is Ben party. So I guess he made, he made it Tony to be like more like showbiz chic. I kind of like the two wise that Tony party. So thank you to Tony party party uh for that wisdom actually he says he wrote a fix you coldplay parody all my loving beetles parody and a sunrise sunset fiddler on the roof parody for us this is his fourth parody whoa yeah that's awesome i'm actually i've been listening to a weezer song that i want someone to parody for our live show opening it's from their new

it's from their new album album that i really like it's called it's the first song i don't know exactly what it's called i think it's all my favorite songs is what oh yeah the song is called that you sent me that i sent you that it's a great song i've been listening to it over and over i'm like this would be a great live uh podcast intro if anybody wants to a great way to fast track it to the show. Maybe we'll get one. Maybe we'll get four or five. I'll play them all because I like the song so much.

I will love the theme song. So grab it off Weezer's latest LP, EP, whatever they're calling records these days. Okay, Human. Hell, maybe fucking River could do it. Would that be cool? You don't think so. Is it River or is it Rivers? I don't think so. Is it river?

Is it rivers? I think it was rivers, and then he changed it to river. Just like this guy? I believe he dropped the S. Lose the S. Just river. Just river. That's really cool.

A river phoenix. Yeah. Okay, human album. I'm going to get the exact song title so that people know exactly what it's called. Oh, God. All my favorite songs. I was right. All right.

All my favorite songs. Weezer, that's my request. My humble request, actually. And can you not make it be mad at me during it? Jesus Christ. You're sad. You're shy. You're timid.

You're scared. You're scared, actually. And you're scarred. Let's move on. Let's try to move on. Yeah. Happy Sunday. This is it.

Finally, the one-year anniversary of your last flight from L.A. to New York. You've been on the East Coast for one year straight. Happy anniversary. Mazel tov. Congratulations. Good job. You did it. That is wild.

I haven't crossed the Mississippi in a calendar year. You haven't been higher than 300 feet in the air since one year ago. Does it feel like a year ago? Does it feel like longer? It's weird. In some respects, it feels like a year ago? Does it feel like longer? It's weird. It does, in some respects, it feels like this has been going on forever. And then in others, it feels like time has flown.

And then at the same time, it feels like there's no end in sight. So it's really- It's a new reality. It's really all over the place. Right. But I guess it doesn't feel like a lot of time has elapsed unless you really start thinking about it, unless you start thinking about all the milestones.

And then you're like, wow, it's been a year. But I'll tell you what, no more. I'm done being a bummer about it. I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling happy. I'm excited. These vaccines are fucking crushing it. The Johnson & Johnson is out.

Things are looking up. Things are looking up. Things are looking up. Actually, there's this new California variant that's pretty, it's shown that the vaccine is not efficacious against. And 10,000 cases in Los Angeles alone, and that's- Run that chorus back, Tony Party. I woke up next to a 30 yeah uh all right yeah you're right you're right let's move on we have to there's there's we we're here as an escape to

people nobody wants to hear us ruminate talk about the fucking state of the world they want to hear us answer some questions and what better way to do it than with the lightning ground we got asked so many questions during our live show last week. By the way, thanks to everybody who bought a ticket and attended the live stream of this podcast. What a fun night that was. It really, it was great. You know what a fun little intimate stat for me?

My entire family was there. All my sisters, my brother, my parents. That is the first time the whole entire Hurwitz family was at one of my live shows wow they've all been like separate but that was the first because we were doing it virtually uh everyone got to go together that's cool yeah my my brother was like what'd you do last night i was like oh i did i had the uh the live show that i was telling you about and he's like cool send me a link and i'm like all right i can give you like an access code but it cost uh sixteen dollars and he's like wow lol i'm not paying for that shit and i said no i know i'm

just kidding here's the access code he's like no you're actually a little bitch for ask asking me to pay for it at all so i don't think i want to support you in any way even if it's a free link i told my mom and dad about it and they were also like yeah we had we heard we heard from ben and we actually take his side i can't believe my mom which she would never use this language usually said i i can't believe you were such a little bitch about it again she said that so i guess like for whatever reason my brother tainted her it's tainted her thinking yeah yeah and now i'm like known as the sometimes that happens with like a nickname like somebody says a nickname that just like makes such sense for someone yeah and then like oh yeah that's true he has a little i can totally kind of see so nobody so yeah no blumenfeld was in the house they didn't make it basically

so sorry so sorry to hear that but anybody anybody who missed the show the show is still up right now it's still yeah my family can see it and anybody can see it if they want to. If they wanted to. Yeah. I think they leave it up for a week. So it'll be up until Wednesday. And you can go to jakeandamir.com to watch it. Now we can say who the special guests were.

So we had Avital and Jill up for one of the questions, talking about farting and relationships. We had Gabrus on we had pat castles in the house we had ben schwartz at the end of it we were we're you know it had a different energy than a regular podcast so i think it was fun for anybody that watched live and i've heard some good reviews from people who have watched it after the fact so if you're not a good time if you're intrigued if you want to see the video yeah check it out at jakeandamir.com and we were even asking people for their questions they could submit if you were watching the show live you can submit it via chat we got to we got to a couple but there were 300 literally 400 so

yeah yeah 400 um jesus so we thought why don't we try to answer some of the questions we didn't get to during the live show because there's some good ones a little lightning round okay yeah okay did we answer this one what is your go-to whiskey we didn't answer that one did we i don't think we did do you have a go-to whiskey i have a goat to whiskey so the second best of all time or you're just, this is just a regular. I go to the goat. I actually, I really don't. I have like, I have a rotation.

I have like, maybe my, the one that's like quintessential me is the, is the bullet. It's that's, that's the classic. That's cool. That's the most classic bourbon.

That's the orange, the orange bottle. But like, if I'm feeling it, sometimes I like the rye. I think Basil Hayden's is pretty damn goat. I think I'm a big fan of Sazerac, love Buffalo Trace. Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. I have an actual answer. Whoa. If I can have my druthers, if I had my druthers.

We're actually out of time. Here's the one. Okay. Can I date my coworkuthers. We're actually out of time. Here's the one. Okay. Can I date my coworker? That's pretty random. The answer though is Blantons. Blantons. You'll notice the Blantons because it's got a spherical glass bottle with a tiny little horsey top. It's a horse.

It's a tiny little horse. Here's a question for you. The horse good those are good good good little tidbits good um ones to write down if i gave you a whiskey a blind whiskey taste test do you think you're nailing those five out of five easily or like uh you can sort of get confused think it's one or the other i think if you gave me a blind taste test and i knew the whiskeys that i was tasting for i would get at least three or four out of the five interesting that could be a good patreon video because if you get zero out of five you have to officially stop drinking right like you'll have out of your self well i have to admit that i don't like actually like like yeah i would have to be i would have to commit to only buying wild turkey from now on like if you don't give a like don't buy a 60

dollar bottle of whiskey if you can't take the difference right yeah you're getting mad at who yourself for this in this situation yeah like you get an 11 handle of whiskey that's what you drink yeah and if one of them is a dr pepper and you're like uh four roses then like it's official you're dumb like you're actually never added yeah you don't know the difference you don't get it like it's such a different flavor if i say elijah craig i'm like eating a skittle yeah i'm like no fucking chance you don't get to enjoy it i won't even know the difference between fucking food and liquor that's nuts yeah, yeah, you're eating nuts right now. That's not a whiskey at all.

That's a cashew. If you don't know the difference between vodka and an almond. This is an angel's envy? Hold on a second. No, you're just chewing on a shoe. Jesus. Oh, I also really like Eagle Rare. Eagle Rare is a good, good whiskey.

That's a good nickname for you, too. Eagle Rare? Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. Call or eagle rare rarer than an eagle uh here's a good one that kind of has been warped through the quarantine is if you had to choose between singing or dancing for the rest of your life what would you choose wait say, say it again? You had to choose either only singing or only dancing for the rest of your life.

Hmm. Interesting. That's tough. Yeah. Because it feels like right now I want dancing. Interesting. But singing has a little more longevity. Yeah.

Because as you grow older and your body falls apart, you still have your amazing voice to fall back on. Yeah. Like, I want to be able to sing to my kid, just to be able to be like, I woke up and I need to party. Yeah. And this is like a 13-year-old that you haven't seen in over a decade papa you can't just come to my sixth grade graduation drunk and think you're the musical act i really did wake up in a new bugatti i think i would choose i i'm i haven't we haven't we used to go dancing all the time and now we just don't dance because of course, where would you go and what would you do? But at the same time, at any celebration,

you don't want to be the guy that never dances. And it's like, there's never a celebration where it's like, why is he not singing? Singing is very like- Karaoke. Yeah, that's true. But I think that's more forgivable. But at the same time, you're in your car and you can't sing along give me at least i sing along i would miss the dumb little songs i sing to myself and like to jill and my brother yeah you know the dumb little ditties that's that's what you'd want to be able to sing actually you know what i changed my mind i would i would cut my legs off because i wouldn't be able to

sing the national fucking anthem and that's what I choose I will gladly die before you tell me I can't sing I stand on God for thee oh Canada Canada

I would never sing the red white and blue one for in vain. You're a grand old flag. You're a high-flying flag. You're a high-flying flag. That's good. Oh, man.

Just fucking stand up, put your hand over your heart, and sing, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy. That's how you fucking show love for your country. Respect the flag. You're a Yankee doodle dandy you understand barely but actually if you're a yankee doodle dandy you have to dance like a little yankee doodle boy meaning what do you mean oh god for those who can't see i don't want to describe it because i think you're lucky for having not seen what this kind of creepy little interpretive dance is it's like he's hunched over like uh like a weird eagle man who's playing the

piano or something like that oh that's patriotic that's patriotic all right we got one question specifically for you and one question specifically for me which one do you want to answer first okay uh let's i'll be generous let's go with me okay jake sally's or pepe's um big big old fan of pepe's um if anybody doesn't know new haven is the pizza capital of the world and is that just because of these two places like are there i think there's a lot of dozens of good pizza places or everyone's talking there's dozens too there's a lot of good good pizza places but like uh peppy's and sally's they're the ones with like the i think it's the brick oven pizza i see and it's like that's the it's like kind of like when they say the cheesesteak uh belongs to philadelphia it's those two places but oh sorry you know what it's i, that's the, it's like kind of like when they say the cheesesteak belongs to Philadelphia.

It's those two places. But, oh, sorry. You know what? It's, I knew I was going to get this wrong. It's the coal-fired pizza. Okay. But when you, when you ask like a true Philadelphian, they're like, no, it's not Gino's or Pat's. There's actually a better third option.

Do New Haven people say that? Or they're like, no, it actually is one of Sally's or Pepe's. There's other, like some people will be's or pepe's there's other like some people will be like oh like there's sally it's not quite the same because frank's and gino's are like actually bad cheesesteaks and like there's much better ones sally's and pepe's are like really great pizzas but if you talk if you're talking to a snob they might be like oh you should go to modern pizza i think bar pizza is really good. And I also think Delania is potentially, potentially the goat of New Haven. But between the two, the two like tried and true, Sally's or Pepe's,

you got to go Pepe's. And are you still not eating pizza because it gives you heartburn slash gas slash painful indigestion? No, what I've what I've identified between all of the things that were fucking with my stomach is that it was clearly and obviously, and we all knew that it was the beer. I see. And it was the beer. I see. I took the beer out. I started drinking more wine. I've missed beer a little bit, but now when I have like just one beer, I'm able to burp.

I don't know if I, have I told you that I can basically burp now? What, what a huge update that you just completely swept under the rug. How did you go from not being able to burp to just now being able to burp? Well, I still, I still don't have any control over it. Like, but I've been just, I was reading the r slash no burp

and just like this one guy's account of like, basically he was always trying to force slash no burp and just like this one guy's account of like basically he was always trying to force out the burp and now he's sort of started trying to relax his throat so i started doing that i do like a i feel like before i used to just like push and push and nothing would come out except for these tiny little noises and now i sort of like push and then not at the same time but like as I'm pushing at some point I just like really try to relax my throat and breathe out and burps burps will come you're like and taking a Lamaze class of burps it seems like you're sort of like taking a birthing class that teaches you how to burp breathing lessons I still don't know yeah i don't know when they're coming or not but like but i've been able to like relax and let them and let them arrive a little bit

better um so that's been that's been helpful and i also i haven't missed beer nearly as much as i thought i would i still have like a beer every two weeks oh that's good so you're just you sort of lower the amount you have but you still have, and now you can pass the gas. Yeah, I feel like I used to have three or four beers a week. Now I replace that with a glass of wine after work instead of a beer after work. That's nice. That's classier, actually. And then the whiskey still sometimes is more of the weekend drink still. Whiskey is a Friday and a Saturday, and I enjoy one or two.

That's as much as I'll indulge these days are you drinking milk what's your alternative milk of choice or are you just completely off dairy entirely i go i do almond milk in my smoothies if i'm having cereal or like a granola i'll throw in some almond milk um but every once in a while i'll fuck with just a glass of milk if i have a cookie and i wanted uh jill's mom made like brownies a couple weeks ago and i had a brownie and just i was like i need a glass and i had a fucking big ass glass of whole milk whole of glass a whole yes a whole and i chugged it yeah that's the billy skifuri special he has a glass a hole or two i think every day so now you know what he feels like he lives like on the fucking wild side yeah respect and it felt fine to you it was just like that was there's no burping at the

end of that that just felt like no yeah that was smooth that's silky not to be confused with silk which is soy milk that's right uh which i also love uh yeah you know soy has fallen out of favor but i think i think it's going to start making a resurgence it was like the first big one then everyone sort of tossed it aside hard against soy yeah like soy yeah not sustainable it's not great for your gut. Right. I'm saying buy low on soy, sell high on soy. All right.

Let's take a break, and then we'll come back for a few more questions for me and for both of us. Thank you. Nice. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy and free To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey.

That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

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was specifically mine have you heard any more i i remember sort of explaining it to you it was either last week or the week before what top Shot was. It's these digital basketball cards that you can buy and sell. Right. Have you heard anything more since that happened? Or like you haven't even come across that anymore? It's not in my life except for through you. So I'm like, I see it on Twitter, but that's just because I follow me. You on Twitter.

Yeah. Yeah. It hasn't infiltrated anywhere else. Yeah. Because like I'm in the world of basketball and I see it everywhere. It's like during highlights and it's on basketball, Twitter, it's in podcasts and like,

I'm following more people. So it's like, is it on TV? Do they show it at all with like on, on NBA commercials or anything? Not commercials, but it's starting to like, like people are saying like,

Ooh, that'll be a top shot. Like during the games or like some like news packages or stories or like it's on like basketball shows. They're saying like, ooh, that'll be a top shot, like during the games or like some like news packages or stories or like it's on like basketball shows. They're talking like, what is this thing? And then they explain what it is. Kind of like what Bitcoin was five years ago. Anyway, my advice is to,

the market shot up before we recorded the last episode. So like it's been kind of like plateau or slightly cool again. So you can get some quote unquote good value right now i think if you wanted to buy a moment on top shot right now i would go for somebody who's injured right now because nobody's really thinking about like anthony davis for example and that could be like a cool person that's probably lower value than he'll be when he comes back and starts

playing so anthony davis is my bit of advice. And you can buy it with regular bucks or crypto bucks. You can get in there and purchase however you want. But just know that it could entirely disappear. So don't spend any money you'll need in a week or two. That's my other unsolicited advice. Yeah, that this is a, it's a risky, it's a high risk investment. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah oh yeah what's your

risk tolerance you know exactly are you willing to just set this cash on fire or potentially double it then that's the money you should spend on a video of anthony davis making a shot on the website in a way on the day here's a question for both of us nice um my girlfriend never listens to my instrumental music projects until i explicitly ask her to why doesn't she like my music how do i get her to listen to it uh on her own volition as opposed to me asking i thought of us because we had avital and jill on the podcast they don't listen to our podcast that's right yeah so it's kind of weird it's like you want a supportive partner but at the same time i don't expect uh avital or jill to listen to our podcasts at all and they never do and i don't really think about it so how do you how do you reconcile that like if you're a musician and your

partner never listens to your music is that as offensive as what we're doing or they're doing i think i guess it's different because i feel like we were doing this podcast for a long time before them and i feel like i get jill cares about my creative pursuits and endeavors. Like, I don't feel like she doesn't give a shit. I just feel like she couldn't give a shit about this podcast. And I'd never expect it, you know? All right, here's a good difference. The difference is, like, these we have to crank out every week. They're not like the lonely and horny projects where we spent a lot of time and created this piece of art like a

musician would. Like if you're just jamming every week, you can't expect your girlfriend to be like, sit there and listen to every practice. She's not a fan of your music. She's just, you know, a fan of you. But if we worked on a movie or we worked on a short thing or like an animation, then I'm sure our partners would be interested and intrigued to watch that. The test is you like your music. Do your like perform your first show, like a virtual show, or when things open back up,

you do like an open mic or something. Like if, if your significant other is not like supporting you at the show, then it's, then it's worth being like, I want you to care about my music. But if it's just like, I came up with this new riff, and she's like, I'm watching TV, you know, then it's not necessarily, I think that it's okay.

Right. And it's also like, I mean, you have to, she wouldn't be with you if she thought your music was terrible. Probably, right? Like you can't. but then it's like for most normal people with normal jobs the partner is not like oh yeah i really am intrigued as to what you're doing as a lawyer or an accountant and i have to make sure that i'm a fan of you as a lawyer or an accountant so with with artists quote unquote it's a little different um i guess i feel like i no matter what the person i was with what their job was i'd be i would be intrigued about like elements of it and i and i'd like be i would care if they were good at whatever their job was yeah but you wouldn't know you really you can't tell if someone's a good accountant or a good lawyer like you can if someone's like a good i don't

know performer because you actually see them performing you can have an opinion lawyers lawyers like win cases and stuff accountants uh meet their deadlines way to meet your deadline tonight honey i saw that you met your i bet if you have an accountant spouse and they're like fucking they would be so so like stressed out around tax time and then like all the work's done there's got to be like some sense of like pride you'd be like i'm really proud of you you uh dealt with a lot of shit you know yeah you filled out that 88 uh 79 and that form 592b oh my god how many k1s you issue? This is you trolling her because she got fired. Holy shit.

And you did it right? Or you got axed? Anyway, turn my amp on. I have a rap rock song. You're an accountant and you're good at it. That song's awesome. Here's a question. An interesting one, actually.

Perry asks, tell us about your worst day at college humor. Do you remember? Fairly easy job, fairly fun job, but I'm sure there was a quote worst day or at least when i say bad day what comes to your mind quickly it's funny because both of these bad days that i have in mind were like really fun in retrospect there was there was a day that we called like black wednesday i think um where like it was when there was still very few people at the company.

There was like less than 20 people and like three or four people got fired. Oh yeah. Yeah. And we didn't get fired. Someone getting fired is always a bad day. Yeah. And it was like, it was a big like cup,

like it felt like 20% of the company was just like gone one day. Right. And then, but it was kind of like this, it was like a crazy story. So it was kind of interesting. The other one I remember is when we found out that College Humor was moving and like not everyone was going.

And it was basically like the end of New York and everything we had. And we all went to the whiskey in Brooklyn and got like absolutely shit faced on like a Tuesday and danced until like 2 AM. And we, there was like a big, I think at that point we were all like on group me. Cause they're like,

what group texting wasn't a thing yet. And we had, we had this like, it was like a 20 person group text with everybody that worked at College Humor called Hang Gang. And we were just texting that thread, like, everyone come to the whiskey right now. So some people that were moving to California were there. Some people who got fired were there. Some people who had worked at the company and then left a couple months before were there.

It was awesome. What comes to my mind is having to wake up really early to shoot stuff that we didn't want to shoot. Like if you're in the background of a scene of a college humor sketch or something, it's like, yeah, call time is five 30,

but try to like be here. We're taking a bus at like four 45 and it's like freezing cold and I'm half asleep or like the end of an all nighter when we're all doing like a sketch at 6am. So like, I just remember the exhausting or like branded content we didn't get paid for like the turkey bowling video. I was just thinking about the turkey bowling video. The turkey bowling video, I think we had shot like a solid amount of branded content, but it wasn't until we shot the turkey bowling video that all of us were like, why aren't we getting paid for this? We don't want want to do it i don't even remember what the brand was but like we were bowling with turkeys in the office like 6

a.m we were it was i don't know who the hell wrote it but it was an insane script it was like from the brand from the brand agency right wrote a script where we were like doing bowling with turkeys or something and i had all of the worst lines and i was complaining the entire time like who the fuck is getting like how much money is college humor getting paid for this and this is just expected i do it for free yeah didn't we have to wear stupid costume or was that just stupid costume insane lines and it, and we got paid no extra money for it. All the sad parts of selling out without any of the good actually making money part that makes it worth it. Yeah, like delivering the money line in a branded spot where you get, I'm still making minimum wage.

That's a tough pill to swallow. Here's a question. My roommate once accused me of peeing in her drawer. I didn't, obviously. Should I live with her again? Being wrongfully accused. Is that a deal breaker? Oh, another one.

My roommate pissed in a drawer and won't own up to it. Should I leave this apartment? Interesting. So this is a two-parter. We were in the middle of it yeah what's worse i was well i think having your drawer pissed in is worse yeah or at least thinking it yeah and then being wrongfully accused that's also pretty bad though but obviously not as bad have you ever been around someone that pissed in something that wasn't the bathroom uh yeah you you piss everywhere you piss in bottles in your car oh no no yeah no i don't

mean like that that's intentional pissing and i'm like and i'm being sneaky you pee in a bottle pee behind a tree pee behind a dumpster i like i was one time visiting a friend in college at saint joe's i was sleeping on a futon in the living room. His roommate got home absolutely shit-faced and pissed on the TV. The hell? Just pissed all over the credenza and television. Because he was so hammered? So hammered, he thought it was a toilet, I guess. Fell asleep, like came home, pissed on the TV, fell asleep like came home pissed on the tv fell asleep on

the floor jesus that guy is the man that's the fucking savage move can i be your fucking roommate sir that was brett fucking kavanaugh if you can believe it i bet and i was squee. I fucking bread it was. I really, I'll take that, Brett. No, you're the only person. Are you still pissing outdoors? Because I know you're sort of sometimes living with Jill's family. So I imagine it's hard to like say, hold on, you guys go up. I'm going to take a piss behind your building or something like that. Yeah, I don't pee outside in New York City.

That's too tough. But in New York, I kind of know where all the public bathrooms are. And that hasn't ever been an issue. like that yeah i don't pee outside in new york city that's that's too tough um but in new york i kind of know where all the public bathrooms are and that hasn't ever been an issue um at home like yeah i pee i'll pee behind a tree i'll pee at the side of a car for sure yeah the side of a car the site of a car at the side of the car i see a fucking yeah i'm honestly if i see a corolla i get i get so fucking jittery that i need to i need to urinate right then and there yeah that's you should probably get that checked out right yeah the sight of a four forester makes me piss my pants uh put even put a rav4 makes me ravenous for pee.

Yeah, RAV4 makes me go number one. Pooter Cakes says, I've been playing a lot of chess lately. Y'all play chess? I think there's been a huge chess boom since Queen's Gambit. I sort of missed that. What do you think about chess as a hobby? It seems cool. I know how to play chess, but I'm the perfect mark for anyone that knows how to play chess at least decently. If you know a chess strategy, you'll beat me.

Because you know how the pieces move. And that's it. I can sit at the table and that's it. But I'm winging it every single time you'll only win by accident yeah i played with jill and she just like absolutely decimates me it's really fun oh you do play with her so um not i mean i think we've played like a handful of games in all of our years together it seems like she plays she likes chess it seems like a fun thing to learn like a good alternative to just whatever doing literally anything else on your phone like you

have a chess app and you become into playing chess like i've gotten into like these shitty like word games on my phone like words with friends or scrabble or word hunt or whatever the game playing those still sometimes i'll get like invites from friends or avital will like message me and like invite what are those things called game pigeon on your phone yeah yeah so like doing chess instead of that seems like it's more cerebral and kind of interesting to get good at chess maybe you and i could play chess we should let's let's uh see if game pigeon does a chess thing they definitely don't but I bet there's chess apps that track your progress and stuff like that.

Do you want to play chess together or against each other? I don't want to play against you, but I'd be down to play. That sounds like a lot of fun. Are you afraid? Are you afraid because I'm the fucking chess master? You just said that you know how the pieces move, but you don't know anything else. I'm the Queen's Gambit.

What does that mean? It's a reference to the show where someone's really good. Have you seen Queens Gambit? Yeah. And? I thought it was pretty good. Actually, here's a question about TV. What's the GOAT sitcom?

P.S. Come to Oregon when it's safe. Okay. So we'll come to Oregon. And then what do you think is the goat situation comedy the greatest sitcom in tv history arrested development yeah that's a sitcom right even though it wasn't like shot in front of a live studio audience yeah it's not your classic sitcom it's not a it's not a multi-camp yeah yeah that's the if is is that the question no i think it's any any tv comedy i would think yeah i mean maybe seinfeld yeah i would say seinfeld or friends

those classic those are like multi-cam in front of the audience may still make me laugh more than anything else is simpsons a sitcom if it's animated i guess the thing like i think friends is one of the greatest shows of all time i just think that like when i watch the old episodes like it feels like the characters the actors are doing so it's like the show is so much that perfect cast um and seinfeld i feel like is like the jokes still stand up the story tellings is like still really interesting right the writing friends is like i could i could just watch that cast do anything and they could make any line funny because like the characters were so well developed yeah classic joey fucking chandler then there's rachel Monica sandwiches yeah Ross is an archaeologist or a paleontologist or

whatever um but he's Schwimmer and that's the goat you should really tweet Schwimmer's year I know I I sort of give you I don't want to break the internet I think I want to I really do want to see you tweet does date does what is it does Ross from friends ever get ever get Schwimmer's year it's still in the drafts it's in the drafts let's see let's just take a little yander at her all right just to get your heart beat up just look at it and hover your hand over the fucking tweet button do you have anything else in the drafts or have you been tinkering like think coming up with jokes that you don't fire off or is that the latest one i i don't know well first of all how the hell where do i find my

drafts that's i think you go to tweet and then it's like it pops up as drafts after you like click on let's tweet like that button okay wait it's let's tweet i don't see where drafts can where drafts are once you're're in the compose a tweet page, there's no drafts button? There's not. Whoa. This is great radio right now. This is really interesting.

Not being able to find my Twitter drafts. Yeah, you see how it says what's happening here? Yeah. And then at the top left, it says drafts next to tweet. Oh, yeah. Are my drafts deleted you have no drafts have i don't know oh my god did i did i lose my fucking schwimmer's ear tweet that actually i have i have hundreds of drafts can i just run a few by you and then you can tell me

yeah i would love so these are these are either half written or fully written, and I haven't had the huevos to pull the trigger. Let's see them. Okay. I was named after a MRI. That's pretty good. Because it sort of looks like my name. Low key over COVID. So that one's sort of like me being sarcastic about coronavirus.

Right. The best restaurant in LA doesn't even have a location or a kitchen it's just an instagram account of other people's sandwiches that's not that's fine it's fine yeah whatever it's like it's like a stupid one you don't care fire it off then if it's stupid uh no it's fine whatever um oh something about responding to a text from last week just to ask a new question. Like you go to text someone and you realize you haven't answered their previous question. So it's like, oh, yeah, everything is good. Also, can I borrow your car this weekend or something?

It's not really a joke. It's just sort of a world. Yeah, definitely. Let's see here. This one is sort of like, I feel bad tweeting about it because it's like it touches on themes that might get me canceled, but it's, oh, here's a free joke

if you're writing a show about a playfully abusive father. So his kid is like, what's the theme of my birthday party? And the dad goes, the theme is i don't whoop your ass or something like that it's like when you have like a grumpy dad and it's like yeah the theme the theme is i'm not gonna fucking kick your ass right but then it's like people might get mad at me for talking about child abuse so i didn't i never like that's kind of like uh

read from that 70s show yeah exactly which was like it's fine on whatever on tv or something but yeah but when i like tweet about it i feel bad um here's one that just says skype so i don't really know what i meant with that that one's sort of like a half-baked idea yeah do you remember when i convinced you to tweet, Nicki Minaj just butt-tiled Iraq? I should do that again. How did that one do? I'm sure it still... That was in your draft and you wouldn't pull the trigger. And I was like, this one's fucking good.

Nicki Minaj. I'm going to search Nicki Minaj, Iraq. I did. I tweeted it almost a week after trump became president january 29th 2016 nikki minaj just butt dialed iraq it means nothing it means nothing should i retweet it right now or just tweet it again as if it's like i just came up with it yeah it's i have no idea what's funny it's funny is nikki minaj even like still doing it's like we've moved on from nikki minaj as a society i think yeah i guess you could say megan the stallion just butt dialed like that

why all right megan the stallion i'll i'll tweet it now we'll see how it does throughout the how did how did nikki do yeah 22 retweets 87 likes that's pretty good so pretty is that good that seems like not that great not that great but like definitely not a dud all right i'm going to tweet this let's take a break and we'll come back and we'll finish this qA lightning round style. We're going to get through as many as possible. Nice. Is it Megan, M-E-G-A-N or M-E-A-G-A-N? M-E-G-A-N, I think. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it

out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself

or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace imagine having an ass so big you dialed iraq yeah i don't even understand what the implication is it like means she has a huge ass sort of but only because i dialed a bunch of numbers yeah like her ass is so big that it butt dialed for so long it like did an international code it talked to an operator uh all right all right all right we're back we're back here we go ready more questions before we get the fuck out of here let's do it mary fuck oh by the way i should say

that i tweeted it i tweeted megan the stallion just butt dialed iraq let's see how it goes wow uh uh mary fuck kill honey mustard, and hot sauce. This is more up your alley. I don't like ranch or hot sauce, so I will marry, fuck, honey mustard, and kill, ranch. I have no use for ranch in my life. It's funny. I never did until, honestly, in the last month. In the last month, I have become an insatiable little

fucking rodent for ranch yeah i'm a truffle pig for ranch i love it was ranch made on a ranch like it's such a weird it's like basically like a basil creamy mayo and they just named it after a place where farm animals live. Ranch sauce. Like buffalo sauce is named after buffalo where it was invented. Yeah, ranch. Ranch was named after ranch. On a ranch. Okay.

Also, I made my own buffalo sauce for buffalo wings at the Super Bowl. I am so blown away that it's just Frank's and butter. Is that it? That's what it tastes like. But yeah, it feels like at a certain point, you didn't even come up with a sauce. Buffalo? That's not much of a sauce. Yeah, that doesn't belong to you, Buffalo.

Guys, that's just the added butter with hot sauce. I guess if no one else had done it. But also, it just feels like if you're going to make the sauce, then it should be like the whole, it's, it's butter. And then all the ingredients from Frank's not butter. And then you just have Frank's. It's like,

if I made, if I made, if I had added butter to ketchup, did I make a sauce or did I just get high one day? It would be great. It'd obviously be good. It's like that about cheese which is heroin and advil or something he's like so you really are just taking heroin right it was like

pancakes with heroin on it all right oh wait no what anyway um okay so uh so i guess hot sauce i would marry because i've had the longest relationship with hot sauce. I'd fuck ranch because that's kind of what I'm doing now. And I'd kill honey mustard because I think the honey is actually hurting the mustard in that situation. Interesting. I don't need it to be sweet. I need it to be spicy. I need it to be savory.

I need it to be tangy. And that's how it's banging. Do you like question do you like mustard on natural though uh yeah yeah i do so do you have any at least like what sauce do you not like like i don't like buffalo i don't like ranch i guess you don't like honey mustard you like teriyaki i don't like i don't like sweet sauces very much i don't like barbecue sauce whoa don't like barbecue i'll like i'll have it like if i if i'm eating ribs and they're covered in barbecue sauce i won't be like oh i'm not a fan

of barbecue sauce like i'll have that that's that's fine but it's not a sauce that i'm like oh you know what this needs barbecue sauce if there's a burger on a menu that's like this one has blue cheese and uh like ranch that's the one I'd get. I wouldn't get the buffalo burger. I'm sorry. It's too late. You said you wouldn't get the buffalo burger. I would get the buffalo burger.

Ma'am, come back. I would get the barbecue burger. I misspoke. I misspoke. Waiter. Oh, here's a question for Pat. Okay, perfect. It says, my aunt lived next to you in greenpoint she said you look cute in your jogging outfit uh can we see it so it's not really anything

pat can do now but yeah i guess uh i guess somebody's aunt thought pat looked cute jogging so i guess i should send that much like the question from a couple weeks ago where uh that dude was low-key dating his buds oh yeah i think we got an update from that did i ever send that to you oh yeah you did you there it like it was let me see let's see if i can find it some guy said it was a really funny update yeah the the question was my friend's aunt is like sort of hitting on me should i try to sleep with her and if i do should i tell my friend about it and i'm like whoa this question's from six months ago i wonder if this guy ever fucked his friend's aunt and then we got an update about it about what happened and he said

this shit crashed and burned i broached the subject with my friend indirectly it was something along the lines of ha ha ha remember when you fucked my cousin i gotta get back at you for that lol maybe i'll fuck your aunt or some shit he said dude that would be so much worse i'd fucking kill you if you did that i then texted the aunt to say hey hey, I'd love to take you up on the wine, but it seems, I'll omit this guy's name, would be uncomfortable with us doing anything. She replied that I misinterpreted things and she was just being friendly and has no interest in sleeping with someone 20 years younger than her. changed my walking route i i can't imagine handling this entire

thing worse he did the absolute worst worst case scenario which is not sleeping with the aunt but still getting in trouble for even bringing it up yeah just just awful like if your friend says not to do it you do not need to tell you didn't know that she was coming on to you. Like, it wasn't that certain. You preemptively broke up with someone. You didn't need to do that. Yeah. And then, you know what?

The aunt was never interested in you in that way at all anyway. So it seemed. She might have been. She might have just been trying to save face by saying that. But, like, the fact that you allowed that conversation to take place is insane uh is it a is it immoral to jo with a puppy in the room is it immoral to have sex with a puppy in the room hmm dogs in the room i think so yeah dogs in the room i don't think it's a moral i think it's odd i think it is is unnecessary but i guess if you have a puppy and you kind of like don't want it's amoral i think it's odd i think it is is unnecessary but i guess if you have a

puppy and you kind of like don't want it to get out of your sight but i like i would find it off-putting i wouldn't personally be able to do it but i don't think it's like i don't think it's a moral question yeah it's funny because we have a dog and whenever we're getting frisky he leaves the room and he never leaves us in the room he never leaves until that's starting to happen and then he like jumps off the bed and like runs away like he feels shame to see it and it's not like trained behavior it's completely innate that he doesn't want to see us like that. Yeah. It's like, oh, this guy's fucking disgusting. I cannot watch his pasty ass bounce around anymore. And as soon as it's over, runs back in.

Like, all right, I'm glad you guys are done having your little fucking fun time. But now I'm back. It's quite impressive. Yeah, that's actually really sweet. What's the most disgusting food you've ever eaten do you remember eating something and it was the grossest thing you've ever had hmm i guess i've definitely eaten a lot of like gas station tuna sandwiches like i remember in was it gross in a way that you liked it yeah i liked it yeah it's hard to

that was definitely like in iceland getting like a chicken salad sandwich out of a gas station that was fucking nasty but delicious yeah i'm talking about fuel i feel like i've seen you try something and then spit it out like it was so bad you couldn't have it oh it was um uni like there's a there's a specific kind of sushi called uni. Oh, yeah. It looks like a tongue or something. Yeah. It's like this weird orange.

It looks like fucking diarrhea, honestly. Yeah. But it's supposed to be a delicacy. And people, like, it's like people's favorite food. It's, like, so, like, decadent. It's supposed to be really good. And Jill took me to sushi one time and she was like oh we have to get this like i think you're gonna love it and i like

took a bite and i was i was like genuinely i thought it tasted like poop what's going on like i think it tastes like poop i was so i was sick to my it ruined my night. It was so foul. I think all food is interesting and should be appreciated. People are starving, so I don't like talking about food in a negative light. I was baited into that question. Fuck you. Fuck you. No, I remember once trying oysters, and indeed, I didn't like it.

I thought it tasted exactly the way it smelled, which was like a slimy sea booger. I did not want to swallow it. Mushrooms, I strongly dislike. When everyone's like, but you got to try this mushroom. It's really good. It doesn't taste like a mushroom. You still don't like mushrooms? Still don't like mushrooms.

Can't get over it. Love mushrooms. I love them. All right, maybe the last question. Pick your celebrity partner in the Amazing Race. So you get to choose any celeb to be your partner on a race around the world. Who would it be? And don't say Tiffany Amber Theison, because that's mine.

Yeah, when this question started, I thought it was like, pick your celebrity partner like your celebrity crush. And I was really ready to say marco robbie and i think i'm just gonna stick with it so you and robbie it's not in an amazing i think i just think she would be good at it i feel like she has the temperament and the attitude that it takes yeah yeah because i want to like i'm leaning towards taking like an athletic person like oh it's me and lebron but then i'm like he's like an athletic person, like, Ooh, it's me and LeBron. But then I'm like, he's going to be disappointed in me. Like, I don't want LeBron to be like, come on, man, you got to like run faster. And I'm like, I'm trying LeBron, but I think I'm out of shape or some shit.

And then he's like sad at me and I don't want to do that to LeBron. Right. He would be hard on you. Cause he's trying to get the best out of you too. Yeah. It's like, he's, he's. Come on, he's inspiring. Like, yeah, you're being a little bitch boy.

Yeah. Like what if, what if that nickname stuck? Like he talked he talked to ben no way there's no way he would know that nickname for me what about uh the amazing race isn't like it's not like a foot race sometimes it is yeah it's like traveling it's you're like moving through cities and stuff yeah you're traveling but then like sometimes it's like you're in a city and you have to like get to somewhere without a taxi or something like that so you're sort of jogging slash sprinting to a flag or a location or a landmark. Maybe a basketball player that I don't like.

So that when they yell at me, it's like, dude, like I'm not even a fan of your straight up. So like, don't talk to me like that. Kawhi or some shit like that. Like,

look at me, dude. Like you can't have this kind of relationship. You're thinking about this question all wrong because you're like who would i want to lose the amazing race with that's you have no fucking ambition to do well no yeah it's like i know you're gonna suck at the i think i'll be bad and kawaii will sort of roll his eyes because i get carsick kawaii that's why i really do and like i'm sorry i can't run right away but like you're also one day can we have a goddamn leisurely breakfast can we get a leisurely breakfast kawaii you're so

competitive and you're so obsessed with winning like now sorry i shouldn't say it but now i know why pat beverly doesn't like you he really doesn't like you you read the fucking trades i'm sorry uh all right that's it that's it that's our time we try to answer as many questions as possible there's still more uh we've been trying to answer them also rapid fire style on our patreon so if you want to see a video episode of us trying to answer as many of these questions as possible or perhaps a jake and amir watch episode that url for all that stuff is patreon.com slash JA so thanks to anybody that was on the Patreon watching there as well

and thanks to all you guys for asking these questions and if you got your own questions or theme songs send them all down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com the opening one was that Bugatti parody remember that one by tony party that's right

and this hard name to forget and this closing theme song is by tanny thompson uh it took her years to submit it because her friend sam was supposed to sing on it but she never had time anyway shout out to my friend sam who's a day one listener. Thank you for years of great listening. Thank you, Tani. Tani? T-A-N-I? Tani? Tani?

T-A-N-I? Tani. Tani. Thank you, Tani. Tani. Thank you, Tony. Oh, a Tony party and a Tani party. Now that's a party I can get into.

I mean, I want a three-way kiss. You actually can't get into any parties. You can't get into parties. People, you rub people the wrong way. People don't like to be around you. This is how the episode started. And now this is how it ends. And it's sort of going to leave a sour taste in my mouth going forward is all.

That's not true. Right? Then let's just end it you get the tourney this episode I think that much is obvious oh thank you everyone thanks everyone for listening and we'll be back next Monday

and all right the live show two more days to watch that at Jake and Amir calm before it's it's gone forever so snag it before it leaves and thanks to everybody that was there for that. All right, we'll be back next week.

Bye, everybody. Hey, baby, if I were you, the show. Baby, if I were you, the show. If I were you, the show. I like Amir. Todah, Monday, now we're here. Unsolicited advices. Where's my pen?

Bitch, I'm writing Into these two dudes from YouTube They really can be quite rude While they help me with my problems Small and large, it's no issue Like, texts to my exes When I want a second chance Like proving my dad jacks

A living room without no pants They call me loser, chiller, printer, crantus Make fun of me on this podcast With health and shorts and middle ditch Riley, Jeff, and Marty bitch These two quite Jews And look and boy too Free emails and tell me just Outro Music That was a Hidgum Original.