Segments - 478: Exes in Texas (w/Kelcey Ayer!)

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

Musician and Headgum podcaster Kelcey Ayer joins us to discuss returning rings, playing Coachella, and his new show "The Kelcey Ayer TV Show on Radio!"Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the

thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. If I were you and you were me Then I'd be you and you'd be me Wait, who am I supposed to be again? Oh yeah, that's right, I think I'm you, my friend. Whoa. Okay. You know, we usually just play this music, shout out the artist, and move on with

our lives. And sometimes we don't even do that. Yeah, sometimes we forget. But today we actually have the musician that wrote that song. And not only that, Kelsey Ayer, you did not write that song for us. That was some sort of weird cosmic coincidence because you now have a podcast on the HeadGum Network. So explain that all to me. Yeah. Explain the cosmos. Explain the universe. Yeah, like, start from the top. God created what? And then, like, move us all the way to here. You have, let's say, 30 seconds. So I made this show. My friend started an internet radio station because COVID hit and he was a creative person, didn't have anything to do anymore. So he was like, you should make a radio show for and you can do whatever you want and he's always been a fan of like my comedic side and uh uh so i made this show about six people who had a variety tv show for 10 years on television and then it got

canceled so they took it to radio and i wanted to put make this into a podcast asked head gum if they would have me and they did thank you guys i don't you're head gum oh yeah i listened to that that's right i heard that pilot i was like this is so it's so bizarre it's so funny it's do you do all the voices on that show yeah that's crazy how big yeah so how big is that cast uh there's six people and then there's like um guests that come on sometimes uh uh somebody's cousin comes on one time uh uh there there's like different people that come on so but every uh show i'll do each of the one of the cast members will sing a song. And for the second episode, Benjamin on the show, who is like stoned or high all the time,

wrote a song about being on mushrooms or while he was on mushrooms. And it's called If I Were You. And then I got the podcast to be a HeadGum podcast. And then Claire at HeadG. And then, uh, Claire at head gum was like, Hey, there's a show called if I were you and they take songs,

uh, based on the title of the show. Uh, can you write something? And I was like, uh, I wrote, this is already part of the show.

Like, do they want to use that? Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. So what what what the fuck perfect wild yeah just like cosmic kin kinship that's right and the show very aptly named the kelsey air on the radio show kelsey air the kelsey air tv show on radio as a podcast kelsey air TV show on radio. As a podcast. Kelsey Air TV show on radio on HeadGum. A friend convinced me to give it a really long name, which I constantly am regretting. It's got to be good for your SEO, though.

Yeah? Yeah. There's a lot of shows that are like, if I were you, titled, and people can't necessarily find our podcast. If somebody searches Kelsey Air on TV on the radio yeah they'll definitely find it and our other web series was called lonely and horny so that's like really tough to type into a search engine you don't want yeah you're probably finding more videos than podcasts yeah go ahead that's right go ahead and google that um so on this here show we answer people's

questions and we figure you know why don't you stick around for a question? You can help us dissect this sticky situation and maybe provide some insight that Jake and I usually can't because you're in Texas right now. Usually we have advice from the West Coast and East Coast. Straight in the middle. Now we can get it from somewhere in the middle. I'm in the middle. And let me say, I am the authority on all things Texas. And who doesn't want advice from texas let's right uh all right so all we need is a fake name that we can call this guy so that we can you know preserve some level of anonymity we we don't want to out him outright on this podcast what should we call you don't want to dox him yeah exactly then people all of our millions of fans like find where he

lives and they start egging his house we've five to ten people i would say and they're probably fine with it because it's a nice doc they were happy at the end of the day yeah it's not what's commonly known as you know the normal docs a pro doc is this yeah so this guy's uh so who do i get to name him oh yeah it's a dude or anything you want okay a canadian dude oh uh uh uh uh shane shane that's perfect dude shane you took three minutes of just lost in thought and then you you came out with the perfect name. Shane. It's not bad. Right. And he's, he's like looking at snow right now.

He's got flannel on. He it's like total Shane. Oh yeah. He's got one of those like hunting caps on with the flaps. Yeah. Yes. I could see that. In a cold pocket of Canada rights,

longtime listener, working up the nerve to send a theme song. There you have it. But in the meantime, I have a question. Do it like Kelsey did. I was dating a girl about a year and a half ago when due to some extreme intoxicated errors,

I kissed someone else and we broke up. I'm terribly ashamed of it, but it is what it is and I can't change it. That being said, I recently discovered that she left a ring of hers at my house and I believe it was a family heirloom of some sorts. So I haven't spoken to her since we broke up in July. And I think that's the way she wants it. Because again, I was not a great person. However, I'm considering breaking the radio silence to ask her if she

wants me to drop off this thing. I asked my roommate and they presented three different options. One, keep the ring and pretend I never found it. Two, put it in a bag and drop it in her mailbox. Or three, just message her like a a normal person it's a bit of a ridiculous situation but i don't want to bug her in case the ring isn't hers and as i said we haven't spoken or anything since july so it prefers so it's clear that she prefers us not speaking your fan who stays away from alcohol for now shane all right shane um these are three bad options it seems right uh no i like really depends on the context right i don't i like one of the options did it say how long they dated for i think a year and a half a year and a half so i i have um i have a decent like um

like decent relationships with all my exes where it's like, uh, just, just everyone is cool. Everyone is nice and everyone is friendly. Um, and my wife always makes fun of me for that and always gives me shit cause she does not have that experience. And a lot of, you know, most people don't. Uh, so, so that's, so in like in my head, I'm like, Oh, I w I would feel fine reaching out to any ex, but I've never cheated on anybody. That's the wrinkle. That's probably why they're friends with you still. Because you didn't betray their trust.

All my exes hate me. And I pretty much universally cheated on them. It makes sense. Actually, all your exes live in Texas. So Kelsey is probably near them, too. So there's probably some sort of exes for Jake's convention going on in Texas right now. You can ask them what they'd want to do with the ring. Wait, don't dox me.

Oh, my God. Don't tell them what's happening. Here come the eggs. Well, what would you guys do? Would you guys text? Would you guys throw it off? Would you guys do would you guys text would you guys throw it off would you guys ignore it the reason they're all bad options is because if if you if you message which i think is the best is like sort of the best option but it's not her ring then it kind of looks like you're

a scumbag like sleeping around and like women are just leaving your leaving jewelry at your place all the time um and if you drop it off at her house, the worst case scenario is it is her ring and she knows that only you could have left it in a bag on her doorstep and you look like an asshole then too. And then you can't just keep the ring. That's why I think there's no good option.

But I do have, I have an alt. So do you want to hear it? Okay. You have a roommate text or get in touch with her that's and and the roommate just pretends they're the one that found the ring he said he lives with roommates you say hey so and so i think i maybe found a ring of yours under the couch whatever um is this your ring and then you're not even involved but she gets the ring back but isn't that just as bad as the guy texting?

Like, that roommate got her phone number from the guy. And then it's like, now it's another layer to unpack. I guess I'm just picturing, well, you don't need a number. You could get in touch with somebody a million different ways. Like, if they just are on Instagram or something. And that way, it's like, it's not necessarily like, this guy thinks this ring is yours but isn't sure and you know she could be mad at him because like if it's a family heirloom then hell he should have known and if it's not her ring then he's a scumbag do you okay so you take him out of the

situation well let's take into account that they're canadians so maybe they're like a little nicer like a tiny bit that's true and sorry about that sorry about that they would sorry sorry sorry about that uh yeah and and and maybe since july like she's gotten over it or they have moved on enough i don't know it was only a kiss what if you. What if you drive to her house and you get on one knee and say, I found this ring. You dropped this, queen. That's not my ring. I think it belongs to the girl that you cheated on me with. Really?

Shit. Do you know where she lives? The biggest wrinkle of all is that he clearly still has feelings for her. He regrets the breakup. He's overthinking getting in touch with her he's not drinking anymore because he feels so bad like maybe beyond the ring there's some kind of closure that you're seeking and you don't even have to worry about the ring for right now you just can say i want to apologize but and then at the end be like, by the way, is this yours? Or something. Or you use the ring for the closure.

You say, is this your ring? Can I return it to you? Let's get coffee, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, yeah. Using it as like an olive branch to apologize, I think that's probably should be a part of it. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. And then you could do something like, and you can keep it.

You can have this ring if you accept my apology. You can kind of use it as leverage, you know? Yeah, see, this is when we start getting into real sticky territory. Just drive by her house and throw the ring, and then she'll be like, oh, the snow melted, and I found this old ring or my old ring, and it has nothing to do with this guy anymore if you want to stay completely out of it yeah if you don't forgive me i'm melting this ring okay and and i'm going to make a really obnoxious nose ring and give it to the girl that i cheated on so hot okay and and that's how bad i need closure yeah and i'll buy all the masonry melting pot shit on amazon and i'll do it myself

i'll run i'll it's gonna look like fucking mordor in my garage don't you worry about that shane shut up i love you I needed to hear that you never used to say weird shit like that I want to get back together with you you changed everything about us you never were so weird to me weird and threatening to me

with my precious belongings my precious it all goes back to Lord of the Rings. Did we choose? We gave options, but why don't we do, let's literally, like the song, like the podcast says, what would you do if that were you?

I would probably ignore it and pretend I didn't see it. Just move on with my life. You're an asshole. You're a ring thief. Sorry. You're a fucking Smeagol. You're a golem. All right. Yeah, you lost the ring, and i'll just pretend i never found it and then i don't

have to think about it anymore that's what i would do i do i would do the alt thing that my roommate i'd ask my roommate to do it yeah I would have someone else return the ring for me because I'm conflict averse. Yeah. I am also conflict averse. And I would probably think about it for like another year. And then like forget about it. And then five years later, I would remember it. And then I'd be like, forget about it. And then five years later, I would remember it.

And then I'd be like, oh, shit. And then I would be like, it's too late. And then it'd be over. That's probably what. So it's sort of a combination of milkshakes. Realistically, that's what I would do. Yeah. Yeah, probably. No offense to Miranda.

Yeah, it's definitely Miranda. Listen, you can't be wrong when you're saying what you would do. That's your truth, and that's fair. Thanks. All right, Kelsey, one more time. What's that podcast? The Kelsey Air TV show on radio, the podcast. Maybe I just start doing that.

The ride. Yeah, the ride yeah the ride the experience and you can just go to headgum.com and it's there that's like the easiest for sure yeah you guys would know right your head gum or you can search um and yeah will you tell us give us like the the elevator pitch for the podcast even though you sort of already did, but that it was tied into this theme song. So how would you describe the podcast to anybody? It's this late night TV show host and his cast members got, their television show of 10 years canceled

and they're trying to revive it on radio as a podcast. There you have it. There there it is and it's amazing it's excellent heartwarming uh so funny and thoughtful and the person who does it is just like so handsome and that's you uh yes yes yes it is wildly impressive that you're able to do this and you're just also a professional musician on the side like you're doing comedy we didn't even say what we didn't even tell talk about your your other yes yeah do you want to tell everybody what you what you do aside from so i'm in uh i'm in a medium font size Coachella band called Local Natives. Nice.

Medium font size Coachella. That's a great descriptor to go with. Yeah, you get in that font size. It's hard to move up. But, you know, it's all good. I'm appreciative to be any font size. That is Zen 2021 talking. I like it. Yeah. Any font size that's that's that is that is zen 2021 talking uh i like it yeah i i i'm in this any font size yeah i'm in this i'm in this band i've been in local natives for for i've been

singing with these guys for 16 years um jesus yeah yeah a long time. And then all our tours got canceled. Of course. And I've always, I've loved comedy so much, and I've always loved making my friends and them laugh and stuff, and I've always wanted to do it in some form. I've tried, like, open mic stand-ups on the road that have either, they've either been fine or horrible. Yeah, that sounds scary.

That sounds fucking terrifying. Yeah, it's rough. I did some Groundlings classes, but apparently you need to commit. You need to marry the Groundlings for 10 years straight to do anything, to get anywhere with that. Jesus Christ. But so finally the pandemic happened and my friend was like, do a radio show and you can do whatever you want and this thing just just happened and uh i was like stunned that it felt like it happened so quickly it was over the summer every week i tried to like finish a whole episode with like a like a fake commercial and a joke song and a skit and and

and i and so like all these, that's on the podcast, they're all like tinkered with, but basically were made in the span of a few days. Damn, that's really impressive. And I mean, we love it. We're honored to have it on the network. All right, cool. Well, Kelsey, thank you so much for dropping by,

for lending your voice, for lending your song, for having a podcast and for answering that question. Oh yeah. Amazing, yes. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. Of course. Well, let's take a break and come back with more questions and answers after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop,

one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, Draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming!

Gross. You know, I think kind of. Kind of. I watched a show recently that i pretty much liked it was pretty good you pretty much liked and it was pretty good and you want to advise people to watch it okay vaguely craved watching it like jill didn't want to watch it as fast as i want you know like that's how i feel like a show is good where i'm like can we watch the next episode like hey what are you doing do you want

to watch an episode of blank yeah yeah and she said no though it was like that well no she was into it also so if i it feels it's so hard to find a show that like everybody likes and we're all on the same episode of and it's just like when you find a show that you're watching with someone, it's like, you know, it feels good. So I want to give someone listening that feeling. How many times do you watch a pilot and you're like, nope, that's not it. We're not watching another episode of that. Or we give up. I feel like more often I'm spending way too much time looking for the perfect show to start.

I see. I think I've wasted hours of valuable TV watching time, scrolling through TV, starting something for a few seconds and then not liking it, reading a list about what's available, trying to sign up for like a free weekly trial of stars so I can watch something, you know? I feel like all of the hunting for the TV takes a longer time. And usually by the time I've watched a pilot, I feel like I'm committing to watching the first season. Like I've finished 10 episodes of shows that I hated.

Wow. Like what? What's a show that you hated but you watched a full season of? Your Honor on showtime brian cranston oh avita watched that and really liked it i think well she's actually not right to do that too it was like an israeli mini series or something no you're thinking of a different thing you're thinking of um taran i think no i think this yes i think he plays a judge right

and then his son is like it yeah I think that was an Israeli miniseries and they made it all right yeah there's also there was another Israeli miniseries that they adapted called Tehran but I guess that was on Apple TV anyway but that was the entire show that wasn't just the first season right like they made eight episodes and that's it forever I think oh of your honor yeah yes i believe i believe that is correct and it seems like i don't know it was so bad they like found out in the like while they're filming i think covid fucked it up and then they found out like after they had shot some of the other episodes that they weren't getting a second season so they

like had to tie it up in an episode and i see it's all but it's all it was all garbage it's so bad it's a really bad show my show that i like that's actually good is called the bridge it's a reality tv competition show okay so okay yeah why not just watch sports at a certain point the ultimate reality competition show is like eight hours of basketball every day. Why is the bridge better than that? Because in the bridge, it's like 12 people from the United Kingdom in the north countryside of England in the woods building an 850-foot bridge to a little island where there's $100,000 in cash. So they have to work together to build a bridge there. It's shot really well.

It's narrated by James McAvoy, which you can't say about basketball. And I think the reason that sports are interesting is, to me anyway, is when there's emotional stakes. You can't just turn on a game and be like oh this is this is good i'm watching good basketball like i like to know the stories of people on the team like these guys uh have a rivalry this person has never beat this person you know right stuff like that and that's what the the bridge really gives you it gives you the backstory yeah it's weird with with basketball the players get paid either way so it's weird that they care so

much like at the end of the year the players that made 30 million should be jumping for joy like they just won a championship whether or not they actually did and then the poor players should walk off the court bummed and upset even if they did a championship, if they don't make as much cash. They're all, I think they're just like driven by being competitive. Like it's, it's gotta be part of your nature to like be, to strive to be the best means like you love winning.

I wonder if you could like ask LeBron, if you, if he would choose to get paid less and win a championship or get paid more and lose every year, it feels like he would want to win every year. Yeah. And that's why i'll never make it because like as soon as i ink that huge contract i'm gonna be celebrating yeah like if i'm if like mike conley is a non-all-star point guard makes 35 million a year i'm just at the end of every game whether we lost by 20 or one by six i'm sort of popping the champagne in the locker room after because you're rich but he asked me yeah i made 1.6

million dollars this week that's why i'm fucking thrilled yeah yeah and it's getting into the eyes of like a 10-day contract undrafted rookies that are making like sixty eight thousand dollars they have to celebrate with me i mean they're the contracts have clauses so like if you're drunk every night hung over off of champagne on the court they probably you would be in breach of your contract like they really probably stipulate that you have to like try you know you can't i didn't read the things i didn't read the fine print uh yeah there is fine you know aaron boone actually the reason the reason the yankees got a rod is because aaron boone broke his or fucked up his knee playing pickup basketball which was actually a violation of his

contract he wasn't allowed to play pickup basketball so they were able to drop him and they picked up a rod and for that sir you are cut from the grizzlies that's right well he's on utah now so that's probably fine for mike conley specifically yeah yeah but yeah the jazz the jazz the jazz don't mind yeah so anyway these guys are building a bridge a bridge to cash and we're supposed to just sort of watch them in that. Are they like engineers, or is it just like me and you trying to guess what a bridge would look like? No, they're all such random. They all have very random jobs.

There's one guy who is kind of an engineer. He works on cars. And then eventually a military vet who was an engineer comes in in the middle of the show i i don't want to spoil anything okay like you've got to just see for yourself but the point is that the hundred thousand dollars only one of them will win it but they still all have to work together to get to the island so just for the opportunity to win a hundred thousand dollars, they need to work together building the bridge. And then once they've done that, then they don't know who is going to win or how, but

they know only one person will walk away with the money. And they keep on playing like mind games with people. Like at some point, like, um, somebody has a choice to like either bring like tools that they need uh back to the back to the camp to help with the bridge or he can take five thousand dollars from the pot uh it seems like they're making up rules as they go along in this weird these certainly have you seen survivor like people really like survivor and that's like more i haven't seen survivor yeah i have not seen survivor it's really like it's funny i think of myself as somebody who doesn't care about reality tv and i don't really watch any reality tv but then like something like love is blind came on

and i and i fucking loved it i watch i think i love reality tv and i try to avoid it unless unless like somebody ropes me into it and then i like binge consume all of it yeah i think everybody likes reality tv the thing is that people that don't like it are just not watching it and so they don't get sucked in right like if you forced someone to sit down and watch three episodes of 10 different reality tv shows they'll probably want to continue watching like eight out of the ten like they're they're chemically made to be addictive and you're you're just naturally wanting to watch more that's right that is correct i I remember like just getting into like, like eight years ago, like a real estate Bravo show or like a Persian dudes of Beverly Hills. Like, yeah, it's not something that I liked, but like once you watch four of them, you're

like, Ooh, I can't wait to find out what these people are up to this week. Yeah. It's almost like a podcast actually. Once you start, once you like just sort of know somebody, you like get someone's vibe. You're like, Oh yeah, I'll just like watch them do stuff they're my friend you know yeah oh interesting we should do that we should start like a podcast about like we already have a podcast i'm saying like it could be that's true i was gonna say like this that's what this segment is we're yeah i was gonna say we can give tips about like what we're watching answer questions, and let people into our lives.

That's true. That's true. Yeah, I get that. I get that. Why would we start a second project? My identity was stolen. No shit. Actually.

You shouldn't have made it your Instagram bio. I was had. I was taken advantage of. And i had to become somebody's dog for a week i was so hacked and hacked if you're wondering why i'm poor and sad today you know why i signed up for an account and i need an account it wasn't real i haven't paid my taxes in a day which is fine because i'm not because i paid estimated through 2024 i'm in between slobs so these two sort of messy billionaires pass me around back and forth. One week with Tim, one week off.

One week with Rob, one week off. So right now I'm in between slobs on Bravo. And like this show is about what happens when I'm between these two slobs. I think that's the premise of 90 Day Fiancé. Really? I can't be certain, but I think that is. Oh, actually, we got a question about scammingming so why don't we answer this guy's question we'll call him uh scam what's a good what's a famous person whose name is sam um sam uh mendez the director yeah call this guy scam mendez nice sup jews i matched with a girl on hinge and she was cute and seemed fun and cool Yeah, call this guy Scam Mendez. Nice. Sup, Jews?

I matched with a girl on Hinge, and she was cute and seemed fun and cool. Anyway, we were chatting, and she mentioned that she actually doesn't live in my city of D.C., but is moving here in a couple weeks. We've been texting back and forth for a couple days, but today she asked me to help her move. Is this girl for real, or is she scamming me to get some free labor just with the promise of a date and possibly not even pizza and beer thanks love scam mendez so this lady is chatting is like yeah i actually don't live in dc but i am moving if you can help

me carry the couch out of the u-haul and up the two floors it's a third story walk up and then afterwards maybe we can get a drink is moving a cute first date or is it terrible bad very not good i think it's a cute first date to help someone pick up a lamp that they bought on craigslist or or something like that like a furniture pickup that's something lighter than armchair or less okay nightstand maybe no dresser no couch no soap not even a love seat okay if i can be fucking real with everybody i don't think a chore look a chore is a boy that's what i'll say this is you on the bridge explaining why you took five grand instead of asking for nails listen we can build the bridge

but i'd rather have a fucking vw bug when i get back so i took someone here date me i'm serious i'll help you move when we get back off the island or on the island whatever the fuck we're supposed to do yeah at the same time she like i don't think that it's necessarily a scam i feel like this person's moving to a new city or a new neighborhood and they don't know anybody yet. So they do genuinely need help. Yeah, a scam would be like, hey, meet me here. And then it's like, oh, there's a U-Haul filled with couches and now you have to move them. Like she's being kind of upfront about her intentions, which is to help you.

Right. If anything, it'd be more of a scam if if she wanted to help you move because then all your stuff's in a truck and she could drive away or something you know that's actually a pretty good scam yeah that's really it's a solid scam yeah you like so how could i say i can help i wonder it doesn't you have a job you run a podcast network i know but i'm just wondering if i could and we have a patreon. You run a podcast network. I know, but I'm just wondering if I could. And we have a Patreon. And it's just like, you're fine. Because I can get on Hinge.

You don't need to. Right now, I'm sort of in between two sloths. We know. Not everything needs to be a grift. Not everything is an opportunity for you to fucking con people out of their money. By the way, you couldn't be on Hinge. You couldn't close if you were paid to. Okay?

You wouldn't get a badge. You really don't think I can steal a chair off Hinge. Holy shit. I'm going to set up a profile right now, and I'm going to leave here with an aims. Six months to get a fucking Herman Miller or better? I don't think so. I don't think so my aim is to get an Ames so that's what I'm sort of going for and once I'm there and I have the chair

buyers beware, you'll owe me $5,000 at the end of the day talk about buyer's remorse I mean, come on I was just you mean what i was making a joke about how anybody who matched with you would be regretful because don't even take it personally because you were talking about robbing them why are you looking at me like you're upset you really think that i'm not good enough to be

with a chair owner right say it you've been sort of hemming and hawing around that whole issue so why don't we why don't you say what you're thinking yeah say what you think this entire conversation started with me saying that you couldn't get with somebody that had a chair. Wow. And he said it. Congratulations. Episode 476. And the truth comes flowing out.

That's right. Congratulations. Thank you. I've been in therapy for 20 years and I never made a breakthrough like that. That's really good. Thank you. You actually fucking said it. You can stop clapping. You can a breakthrough like that. That's really good. Thank you. You actually fucking said it. You can stop clapping.

You can really stop doing that. Yeah. That just... I knew you were going to say and it still hurt to hear because I didn't think you had the balls to fucking stare me over the zoom eyes and say, yeah,

you don't have what it takes to get with someone who has a chair say it oh my girlfriend she's a chair owner what what like she owns a chair store or like a furniture line no no she uh she has a set of like four chairs that she bought from Ikea. And an accent seat and ottoman to boot. God, I love a girl with a good accent seat or better. So this lady asks you to help her move. You're saying, uh, I'm unavailable that day.

Or, uh, I don't think that's a good idea, but let me know when you're settled in. Yeah. I feel like, I think you can just get out of it without being like, I don't think we're at the stage where I can help you move.

I think you could find out the date that she's doing it, uh, and just say you're not available that's fine i don't think that she's like counting on you it sounds like it was a kind of a casual ask so like yeah you're gonna be okay but i would not do it i think it's cute for a second but then moving is hard there's a there's highs and lows so you don't want to be there for the lows like imagine how do you how do you get out of like if she's like hey could you help me move on saturday what do you say um i would be like this saturday and she'd be like yeah i was like is there any other day you could do it and then she'll say no it has to be saturday let's do it on sunday then is it this weekend i'm going out of town i actually i'll do it and then she'll say no it has to be saturday sunday let's do it on sunday then

is it this weekend i'm going out of town i actually i'll do it for monday for you sweet cheeks as long as you can help me for free it's a long weekend actually it's a long it's a long weekend it's a long everything baby let's do tuesday then no pizza or beer but you'll be there my dear and you can help me. Unless you have a hemorrhoid. And now she's sort of put you in a checkmate Queen's Gambit situation where you have to admit you either have an anal fissure of sorts,

or you can help her lift up the armoire. Yeah, I guess if she backed me into that much of a corner, I would admit that my anus had a popped little blood vessel on it, and I couldn't exert myself too much. That's really hot. Yeah, I wouldn't want anything to happen to my ass. What if you show up and there's five other guys that she's been chatting with, on a hinge all down to help her move now that's like a sitcom episode yeah exactly uh

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That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back all right one last question this one's a goodie this one's a lady who will call who's a lady on bridge or is it the bridge uh yeah uh the bridge um let me jesus i don't remember anybody's name um oh well it just well i remember oh god what about bridget it's sort of like a female bridge yeah that's that's perfect i don't think anybody uh cares about the bridge too much all right bridget writes uh my boyfriend turned fiance proposed to me recently and i'm genuinely excited to marry him as we told friends and family i started to learn some of the details behind the

engagement he decided to propose sometime in early december um so i started doing the math in late november i mentioned him to him out of nowhere that I thought I ought to give him more blowjobs. I don't remember what got me thinking about it, but we've been together for four years, and while other things have increased in frequency, I admittedly haven't gone down on him much this past year, as I had when we first started dating. To put it bluntly, after this conversation in November, I approached sucking dick with the enthusiasm of a misguided Dyson engineer. Sheesh. Here's my question. Should I be worried that he proposed a few weeks after this started?

Specifically, I'm worried that the dopamine from copious cock sucking put him in a state of mind where getting engaged to ASAP seems like a good idea. Given the short amount of time between his decision to propose and when we got engaged, I'm worried that I'll regret this in a few months when the dust has settled. Should I bring it up or just hope the timing is unrelated? This is like a a modern seinfeld or an always sunny subplot she yeah he only it proposed to me because i was going down on him more often this is a life hack for what like if you ever want the dude to do something it's like okay let's give him the fucking dopamine rush and then he'll i don't know propose or give me that chair that i've always wanted so like for example i really want like let's say i'm talking to you and i really want i'd love to like stay at your house this summer and you're like probably

not and then so i would blow you back away i would go down on you for a month. Ew, in a row? See, now we're talking about it. Let's fucking negotiate. You're at the very least intrigued as to what this could lead to. I show up with a chair. The length of time sparked joy. Because I

was able to disassociate it from you. Really, what's at the core here is that you are the type of partner who, apropos of nothing, decided that you wanted to be a more generous oral sex giver, like without expecting anything in return. You were just like, you know what i don't go down on you enough i'm gonna start doing it i think regardless of like if it wasn't exclusively the you know the busting nuts and stuff but it feels kind of like if you're with somebody that's

that kind of thoughtful blow jobs aside but aside, but just, you know, somebody that is a giver, I would say. I think that makes you marriage material. And it's not necessarily tied to the blowjob. The blowjob is an extension of the type of person you are. Yeah. I mean, and I should say this goes either way. Like if I ever wanted to make sure that like my lover was giving me the things that I wanted, whether it be the chairs or if I wanted some sort of favors in return, I would also use this quote life hack in which I would go down on them to the point where they were giving me treats, they were giving me sweets, and they were giving me seats, quite frankly. I want that Herman Miller. I want the aims. Yeah,

I need a place to park my ass and sit down and enjoy myself. But yeah, I think, like you said, the dopamine rush was from oral sex in this specific instance, but the idea of you wanting to be a more generous person in general, yeah, maybe that had something to do with it, but I don't think you need to bring it up, or I don't think that this is dangerous or bad in any way. Yeah, the other factors to consider are like when, I don like i think that you start thinking about proposing a lot longer before you actually start activating on it like if he started ring shopping around this time he's probably been he'd been thinking about it or you know longer it's not like a casual thing to like set up the engagement um without like thinking about it ahead of time. But even if he was on the fence and she blew him towards one side or another,

I don't know if there's, she's like worried. I don't know if that's anything to worry about. I don't think he's doing it just to get a chair out of you. If that's what you're thinking right out, like that's the situation. It's not, it's not head for chairs.

That's not what's happening. Unless it's like a really dope-ass seat. I wouldn't see that. I wouldn't consider it anything nefarious. What's a dope-ass seat besides a Herman Miller, which you keep on bringing up? A lazy boy or a Barka lounger, I was going to say. A big boy that you can just sort of fall back into

and then yeah something like that maybe but yeah probably not i think he genuinely does want to be with you forever right it's not about the weird bet he made to get a chair who did he make a bet with to get a charity thing exactly i don't think anybody unless it's like his cousin and they had this feels like you're the only person that would do that is this your cousin did you make a bet with your cousin i've been at a standing desk so he could get you a chair i've been at a standing desk for so long that i've started coveting these fucking yeah recliners i guess and i i see them a couple weeks ago your advice was to get a standing desk wasn't it yeah now i can't fucking look at a seat without getting half chubbed for it it's like a weird sexual

pavlovian response i don't know if you don't have any other seats in your house? Did you get rid of your chairs? No, it's here, but you know what they say, chair today, gone tomorrow. I got rid of most of the seats. You have to cherish what you have. You have ways. Actually, you were just saying that they got rid of one of your favorite drinks from the Starbucks, so you understand what it's like to love something

and then one day it goes away forever. Yeah, that's right. I believe I've talked about on the show that i that i get the the dark cocoa almond milk uh cold brew yeah and then started started off as a treat you know on the weekends yeah led into uh you know to kick off a monday to celebrate a friday if i an AA meeting. Hard workout. Yeah, it kind of is. And then before I fucking knew it, I was getting a venti cold brew with dark cocoa almond foam every single morning.

I'd have a bad day if I didn't get one. And it got to the point where I was like, I need to stop drinking this drink. And it would often happen as I was in the car on the way home from starbucks drinking my drink i'd be like you know what tomorrow i'm just gonna get a fucking black coffee like i used to and every single day i i said it to myself but in the morning i would forget because i just had that expectation that wish fulfillment and then today my brother texted me a screenshot of the starbucks app with the with the drink that we always order and and it said out of season out of season like they took it off the

menu like mocha's not in for the spring or something even though it was on the menu in the summer and yeah and i felt i maybe nobody wanted it excuse me excuse me i'm finishing a story i it was it was more than it wasn't more than a gut punch it was an ass kick it was a slap in the face more than a slap on the wrist do you know what i'm saying it's a knock yeah you wanted this so you can't get chocolate milk anymore anymore or something. Shot through the heart, yeah. Yeah. Because I wanted to give up on this drink, and the drink gave up on me first. And that's what hurts the most.

No, that's not fine. That's what hurts the most. It's nice. So you'll get something else. Something else will be your seasonal drink or whatever the fuck. Who cares? It's not about a seasonal. I got to eat it around. I you'll get something else. Something else will be your seasonal drink or whatever the fuck. Who cares? It's not about a seasonal. I got to eat it around. I got to eat it around. Dark almond cocoa powder.

What was it? It's cold brew. And then they mix the cocoa powder, the mocha fudge sauce. Yeah. They mix the sauce. The mocha sauce, dark cocoa almond powder, and the almond milk, and then it gets blended up and it gets poured in my cold brew.

It's all about the sauce. Have you thought of combining your passion for this drink and your newly found joy in cooking, and perhaps you can make this or an equivalent at home yeah yeah yeah i have the issue the real issue is ice because i can get the shot i guess sorry you can get this very proprietary Starbucks cocoa powder, but you can't get ice. What are you talking about? Ice is so much more commonplace.

I can, it's the, it's the chip ice at Starbucks. It's that fucking, it's like filling up an, it's filling up a cup with crunchy, crispy ice. That's what's nice. That's why they call me fucking Liquid Nice. All right? I thought they called you Gaitan Ice. Which is obviously more apropos because it's ice themed. So I was going to say they call me Gaitan Ice, but then I think that's your nickname.

Actually, you like ice so much that they call you Liquid Nice, which is the one thing ice is not? It ultimately didn't work because I realized midway through that you were Gaitan Ice, but I had to finish it. All right, thanks for calling me out. Thanks for calling me out. I basically had a pitch-perfect soliloquy and fucking stumbled on the one-yard line.

That's all you're going to remember. Not cool. Damn. Does this mean i mean that you win the dirty yeah for not fucking not giving me an attaboy for for really crushing uh what i think was i'll i mean bringing a pretty vulnerable piece of myself to the podcast for which i obviously i'm going to win the golden mic because i think that that connection that that raw emotion that's what people respond to

that's what people respect that's what i respect and i appreciate the golden mic and winning it for not necessarily a joke but for just being real i think that's really awesome and i appreciate i can be real i've been real before and you said that was turdy-worthy behavior. No one wants to get to know the real us. It's all about make them laugh, make them laugh, make them smile, make them crack up, which I'm trying to do. But then you said I get the turn for this. Sometimes you try too hard.

Sometimes you try too hard. The whole fucking chair thing was tacky. Oh, my God. It stemmed from a question. How is it tacky? We were trying to answer it. I thought it was a solid answer. It was a little tacky oh my god it stemmed from a question how is it tacky we were trying to answer i thought it was over the top solid it was a little tacky it was a little tacky you hammed it up and you phoned it in if i'm being honest the beasley thing the mike beasley thing what the mike conway thing the mike conley yeah no yeah no you don't even remember you don't even remember what i said you're saying it's tacky

um but yeah no i do appreciate winning the gm and you got the big T. T is for turdy. I know. I know. I have it, I guess, every episode. I'm starting to realize. Regardless of what I do, right? Every single one. But most, for sure. Okay. Great.

Nice. You got it. You lost the drink, but you got the fucking award. Congratulations. Do you still go to Starbucks every day? No, I'm doing the home cold brew thing so like i just buy a jug of cold brew and i add oat milk to it which i guess is more of the cold brew do you it's called it's cost effective do you do you do the concentrate or do you do the uh the full just like you know like a liter jug of just straight cold brew i think it's like half concentrate so like i add enough almond milk or oat milk to the cold brew where it's like almost

a one-to-one or a two-to-one ratio nice how many i don't even know if it's cost of uh one in the morning yeah i don't think it is cost effective because the jug is 10 bucks i guess it might be if it lasts me like four or five days it's still like two to three bucks right it's like barely cost effective the most cost effective i guess is what buying beans and making it yourself but it's hard to to get cold brew right cold brew like i i'd make ice coffee at home but that's just like hot coffee that i put in the fridge i think that's what it is like i saw i saw this instagram ad for uh the blue bottle cold brew thing which is probably like a lot fancier than it needs to be and it was like just this huge jug that you put coffee beans in and then you fill it up with water and you literally leave it in your

fridge overnight and that's uh that's what cold brew is you just have to let it go for longer and let it give it enough time to cool off so i guess maybe that's the most cost efficient thing yeah that's not i mean i i think that my new my new found uh love of cooking which i would describe as me becoming like a chef. I know you would. Sort of a gastronomicist, gastronomist, gastro-economicist. Learn what it is before you say that you are that. I am trying. I'm trying, okay? You're trying to learn what it means.

I'm being real. That's all it is. That's all it is. I appreciate it. People appreciate that. I think if I would, a goal of mine, I would endeavor this summer to be making my own cold brew i'll put it in there it's pretty easy it seems it seems pretty easy um yeah it does but yeah

i've never ground beans i've never done that i've never gotten the coffee beans and ground them and i've never used ground beans and use like a filter like the way you've never even made your own coffee never never made yeah i basically i do i make my own coffee a solid amount but i think i'm always i i it's hard to do consistently i feel like every time i make coffee it's a it's like a little bit better than a coin flip that it's going to come out well and i don't know why that is yeah i i'm not like a coffee snob so i'm sure it's whatever i make will be fine for me but yeah i can see it like being watered down or not strong enough or too strong that's really the issue i think that for me it's like if it's if it's watery i like i don't mind when it's burnt i like strong coffee and i like a bitter coffee

taste but if it tastes too watery that's what i that's when i'm pissed yeah and if it doesn't taste like mocha sauce yeah it's clear that you just like chocolate milk man like you're obsessed with the mocha sauce the cocoa foam yeah actually the cocoa foam really is not doing much it's really the sauce yeah i get it so it doesn't have the frosting which actually that's why i tried this morning when it was out of season i tried to just go in and make my own basically frankenstein the drink because i knew the ingredients and what they didn't have what you couldn't add you could add any flavor not the sauce yeah you also need plastic cups if you want to complete the experience at home drinking it out of plastic cups or something i don't i don't miss i used to bring my own uh cup to starbucks but they stopped letting you do that because of the pandemic

wow i don't i don't i prefer not to have a starbucks cup because i don't like to advertise how much i like it except for on this podcast but i don't like walking down the street holding a big like start like venti starbucks mocha cold brew venti is the big one yeah venti's trenty's the biggest biggest but venti's the the like the, but Venti's the, like, the max normal person size. And the way the cold brew dark cocoa almond foam looks, like, it's really nice when it's full. But as soon as you take that first sip, like, all the foam is, like, kind of cakey and weird on the top. It just, it looks like it's starting to dry and congeal on the sides. It's a nasty looking drink.

I'd hate to, like, see someone on the street it's a nasty looking drink i'd hate to like see someone on the street when i was halfway done with it yeah all right a lot of shame i guess but they took the drink away from you so you don't have to worry about it anymore i was giving up the drink anyway you can't you can't fire me i quit the drink you're yelling into the starbucks app on your phone i actually i actually cut you i'm out of season with you quite frankly i will i will take my money today i would like to know i just got an iced coffee just tell me who your wholesaler is because i would like a palette of the sauce yeah that's that's 144 gallons of sauce, and that'll last me a year because it never expires because it's syrup. All right.

That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them on down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Of course, the opening one was that Kelsey Ayer jam, If I Were You, aptly named. And this closing one, I'm very excited. I called for it last week and all my favorite songs by Weezer parody. Again, just because Jacob Legrand did it doesn't mean that you guys shouldn't also do it because

I like the song so much. You will play every single one. That's right. Don't have anything to plug, but if you can settle, wow, settle an argument with my friend Ryan, that would be legit. This is crazy. Who has better coffee, Starbucks or Dunkin'? Thanks for all that you do.

Love the Patreon and the live show. I guess you're an East Coaster, but it seems like the divide is West Coast likes Starbucks, East Coast loves Dunkin', but maybe it's a specifically Boston thing. But you didn't grow up with that. Yeah, I think it's more of a Boston thing. And it is kind of a Connecticut thing, but you didn't grow up with that. Yeah, I think it's more of a Boston thing. And it is kind of a Connecticut thing, but where we grew up in New Haven, you're a little

bit, I felt more aligned with New York City than Boston or Northern Connecticut or other parts of Connecticut where Dunkin' Donuts would kind of be the thing. I don't know. I also started drinking- Do you have Dunkin' in a pinch? Yeah, definitely, definitely. I where Dunkin Donuts would kind of be the thing I don't know I also started drinking you have Dunkin in a pinch yeah definitely definitely I like I like Dunkin I bet if I started drinking coffee earlier I'd really like Dunkin but I started drinking coffee when I was like 24 or 25 and I was living in New York and there really weren't Dunkin Donuts maybe a couple but it was a it was a Starbucks city that's right still is god makes

you think starbucks world i'd love to be real with you guys for a second fucking mermaid no i don't think so you don't get the opportunity to do that you don't get the fuck you don't deserve it because you win the turdy no one wants to hear authenticity from the turdy guy right yeah i was gonna say yeah you get that i get that. I get that. Like, I was going to try to sneak in at the buzzer. Right. Yeah, but nobody wants to know who you are or about you or anything. Because you're the turdy man.

Well, you are the turdy man. You are the turdy link. Goodbye. Goodbye. Yeah, that's fine. I'm saying you could probably you can obviously change it all right man uh yeah this is uh jacob legrans all my favorite song weezer parody thank you guys for listening another another shit episode from blumenfeld, I guess, right?

Yes, yes, yes. Solid performance from Jay Money, from The Pinch, from Guyton Ice, from Liquid Nice. Give Amir the chance he's never had All these stupid turdies make him mad Half the time his jokes are not that bad, bad, bad He deserves a mic that's golden clad Give Amir the golden mic! Ooh, ooh, ooh

Give Amir the golden mic! Ooh, ooh, ooh Give Amir the golden mic That was a Hiddem Original.