Segments - 479: Scare Me (w/Josh Ruben!)

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

Actor/Director/Friend Josh Ruben joins us to discuss cursed roommates and blessed bathtubs -- as well as his movie SCARE ME which is on Shutter/iTunes right now!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the

thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. All my favorite podcasts sound like trash. Love my mom, but I don't love my dad, dad, dad. All my favorite jokes make no one laugh. I don't know what's wrong with me. Ooh, ooh, ooh. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. I don't know what's wrong with me By the top shot, it was 10k But it won't sell, and I feel sick That was all my girlfriend's savings So I'm all alone, cause she hates me I was trying to get rich I think God owes me. Call me liquid nice, but don't take that nickname from me. All my favorite jokes make no one laugh. All my favorite podcasts sound like trash. Damn. Whoa.

That was epic. That sums up what it is to be a fan of Jake and Amir, I think. All my favorite jokes make no one laugh. I can imagine that. Josh Rubin in the house. Josh, what do you think of that? Who was that daddly umbrulia? I mean, come on.

It was a little, it was a little, who's that braddly umbrulia? Michelle, Michelle Bramsh. I mean, come on. I thought it was fine. The effort was okay. We brought Josh in to be the Simon Cowell of If I Were You. The music critic. And I give it a fanship for, no, no, no.

Anyway, my titties are sad. It's very well done. I hope they have a wonderful career ahead of them. Now I'm the Paula Abdul. Well, this guy. You're crying. You're turning into all four of them at the same time. I personally requested a Weezer parody for my new favorite song,

All My Favorite Songs Make No One Sad. All My Favorite Songs make me feel sad. Make me feel sad, I think. I don't even know the lyrics to my own favorite song. Either way, we got a bunch of good ones. This one is from Tad's Shepherd. Just shout me out. Tiago

de Souza, working on music currently, but maybe I'll have something to plug in the future. So thank you, Tiago de Souza. His name was Tad? That could have been Tadalian, Bruglia. currently but maybe i'll have something to plug in the future so thank you tiago his name is tad that could have been tattly and bruglia that holy shit it could have been tattly and bruglia i knew i almost said brad i meant to say bradley and brulia you know you ever do that when you're like i'm sure i'm gonna say bradley and brulia no yeah never say that yeah yeah you know what i mean uh josh how the hell are you we haven't caught up since the world started birding first of all you guys look

phenomenal sound great you know i have my airports and we all have a you know a road mic a shore mic a nice coffee a milk we all have a great to see you we're all we all have a milk. It's great to see you. We're all drinking milk. We all have milk. It's been a minute. You know, this time last year, like this week last year was my last date, like out in the world, like my fiance and I. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. We went to see Invisible Man and then went to get a massage.

You know, an interesting date. It all worked out. You said fiance. So it did. You know, you have to introduce some bright light of good news, you know, in the shit field that was 2020. Yeah. But I remember, like, that when we were to see a matinee,

and they're like, let's get a massage at this random place in Silver Lake. And we went, and the masseuse shook our hands, and then she immediately, like, started pumping Purell into her hand as if to make it like and I was just like this is something I did like I knew that you know um it was coming but uh it did make me feel bad and so it was just like kind of being to like touch like all over the place um what a last thing to do before like we'll never ever touch somebody again without being like, oh, are we going to be okay? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

I'm going to get a deep Swedish, like, you know, in a windowless room ever again. But a damn good last hurrah. That's the last massage you'll ever get. Yeah. Oh, and I, like, yeah, ate, like, a sloppy burger at Alamo Drafthouse watching Invisible Man, which was like the last film in theaters. So Lee Waddell is just swimming in surplus cash because it's like, you know, it's a good movie. But it was kind of like, you know, after 9-11, I was like, fuck it, I'll see Glitter. Why not?

I'll see Mariah Carey in Glitter like it's out. I'll see Glitter. Yeah, it's like you knew it was going to be your last hurrah. Like, why would you get a massage without knowing full well exactly what was about to go down? What was the last thing you guys did in the real world? Like when things were normal, what's your last memory of not having to think about it? I remember what it was. I went to a sports bar to watch a Laker game, and it was cutting it so close that like i felt bad shaking people's hands like

i was like people would like go to shake my hand like uh maybe let's be safe and like elbow bump and i got a weird look that's like all right bro like relax man it'll be gone in a day and then i want to find those people be like hey remember when you want to fucking shake my hand well he died he ended up having COVID and he died. Oh, no. I want to go to the funeral. I can't remember if we've talked about this on the podcast, but like all of the everybody, like the guys that run HeadGum, we all had like a Zoom. And I think Amir, I think it was you or maybe Cohen asked, like, on a scale of like, raise your hands.

How concerned are you guys about coronavirus? And we all did it on the count of three. And I put up two fingers. As in I'm saying deuces to this shit. I think about it every single day. How wrong. How wrong. I got it.

My sister, who actually, she's a touring musician and had gotten back from Wuhan. She's patient zero. Holy shit. Not long before it all happened. Yeah. She's like, I'm telling you, something is coming. She bought us walkie talkies, a life straw, which filters out piss to make it drinkable. Two N95s, the real ones that are now $6,000.

And a map of la and she's like please take this home because i was in new york and i was like fuck you sister like no and i begged her i begged her to risk her life and go and go to a post office and send it to me and she did and she laughed she cackled i need to drink my own flower send me the piss straw sis please i don't have any tp i don't have any tp please oh and that was after you got vaccinated this was just last week yeah this is for the piss like 60 62 hours ago honestly i just got bored in lockdown now i'm just curious about the piss straw i'm finally willing to admit I was wrong. But also throughout this quarantine, you released a movie, which is like a pretty big accomplishment for a year where a lot of people felt too despondent to do anything.

And as a 30-something white male, I thought, what a better time to show off and tell people how great I'm doing. Yes. One movie came out. Another one is like their announcements are starting to come out about, you know, yes, this summer theaters, like please risk your life and check out werewolves within dropping June 25th.

I do think we'll be okay. But, um, uh, maybe that'll be like, maybe that'll be the glitter. Maybe your movie can be glitter, man.

Well, that's right. People will be coming out of it going like, I guess I'll see that. I feel shielded from terrorism. Yeah. Actually, movie theaters open on Monday in LA, if you can believe it. Yeah, I don't know. It's just a lot of maskless, like a lot of just, we have to hang out.

Apparently, we're one in four out here which is fantastic shielded but you know it's like let's not jump the gun but it does feel like this year was a little bit like all your dreams are going to come true but they're going to have a little bit of poopoo on it that's how i like you got the golden ticket absolutely you got you have the golden ticket but there's just a little there's someone up there's something on it smells like we wiped it off yeah you have duty on the absolutely it's good you want a little bit of doodoo on your dreams although uh you know i saw scare me streaming and that's how i watch every movie so it felt like a theatrical release because you know like all these major movies have come out on whatever

amazon netflix um so scare me just felt like one of those real movies that came out. And did you like it more or less than Clockwork Orange? Wow, that's a great question. I think I would put it right above Clockwork Orange. I'd have to because you're in it. Oh, dude. You're in it. Oh, come now. That means a lot. As the director of Scare Me, did you also torture your actors during the making of this movie to get an authentic performance like Kubrick did in Clockwork Orange? I did. Did you make people sleep deprived and cold, angry, and scared? I screamed at Aya Cash in the scene where she didn't even need to open a heavy door.

But everybody got such a bad flu, like tuberculosis flu. And somehow I made it through without getting sick at all there's literally a scene where aya crawls on the floor when she was at her sickest and then like gets in my face and growls in my face and i thought well this will be it and it'll be fine because it's you know it's worth it it's my film right but um i i was fine i was fine everyone do a pasta dinner after we were. And when did you film it? And then you know a year later. Was it, it was like the winter of 2019 or 2018?

Yeah, exactly. 2019. Yeah. Yeah. Because we went to the last super spreader or the first super spreader event, Sundance 2020 in Utah, which like shortly after we left, people were like, oh, that may have been where there was a lot of. We shouldn't have had that.

Yeah. Right. That was February. Amir and I were supposed to- We shouldn't have done that. We were supposed to go to South By, which was rightfully canceled. But leading up to it, they just kept on making the event a little bit smaller. It's like, it's going to be fine.

We're going to do it. Some people canceled, but we're going to have- We'll still do our house. And then the day- Because it was March, right? Yeah. I think actually Amir and I, you and I pulled out before they canceled. And then they ended up canceling the week after.

Yeah. I think we are what did it. They're like, Jake and Amir is not coming. Like this is just going to be the domino effect. We still have like Obama, but like what's the point at this rate? People are dropping like flies. Yeah. So what's the latest? It'll be all but digital.

All but digital. What's the latest with Scare Me? I see DVDs or Blu-rays are being shipped. DVDs shipped, Blu-rays shipped. I got big props to RLJ for sending me a bunch of free DVD and Blu-rays. I'm going to give away to some fans. They have a little tear in their jacket, so I thought that was really good that whoever was like you know what i'm gonna send these to the director

um i just want to make sure that these are a little damaged yeah a little poopoo on the dream a little poopoo on the dream really at all levels so the dvds out the blu-rays out which is wild to have my face on um on a product of any kind that you know i didn't ask um a props person to make and uh and the uh oh and there's a making of podcast called make cool shit um about the making of about like the play-by-play of the um you know the drama the highs the lows cars getting stuck in ditches um uh poor becky drysdale having to squeeze through a car window to get behind the wheel of the car for all the car shots. Wow. And yeah.

Are you the host of that podcast? No, Aaron Kaffetz, who used to do a bunch of college humor videos back in the day. Really lovely New York boy. Love a New York boy. So, you know, and now you just put it out into the world and you just honestly collect. I mean, I've made at least negative, I don't know, negative. Do you guys know this story? I actually, I cashed, I didn't cash out all of my 401k from IAC, but at least $26,000 from my 401k.

Wow. That gets taxed heavily, right? You have to pay a penalty. I haven't gotten the penalty yet. That's technically, I guess it's a loss. I don't know how the IRS will like, I don't know what the reprimand will be, but I've talked about it at every level. Like it's, you know, like the headline for some Vulture article at some point was like

Josh Rubin, you know, cashed out his, but I did. I took out a significant portion and I don't know when the penalty will come. Wow. some vulture article at some point it was like josh rubin you know cashed out his but i did i i took out a significant portion and i don't know when the penalty will come wow she's gonna drop at least 2020 happened but yeah i think yeah i mean that's a gamble that worked though right like that's you it seems like you know betting on yourself and making this movie has like led to a lot of other great stuff yeah you can you it's kind of crazy and is the wildest thing is when i rapped um uh when i rapped scare me 26 000 less wealthy um with almost no money in my bank account um otherwise because i spent a year

prepping this movie um i booked a dijorno commercial commercial directing a DiGiorno campaign with Jay Pharoah. And I didn't have to pitch on it because I'd done one a year before. And they were like, you can just fly here and just come right to set. So I got there broke and exhausted. And after having led this whole movie and having to answer every single question and guide everyone who was was just like, you know, probably quite unhappy me making $125 a day. Um, I got there and they're like 15 people excited to answer for me because that's what commercials are.

It's like 19 cooks in the kitchen. And it was such a relief where usually I just feel like, fuck this. It was just great. I was like, I think we should put the couch and everyone's just like over there by the window next to the pizza oven with the, with the cheesy crust pull. And I was like yes answer for me is that all right josh

yep looks good so grateful for um yeah the cushion well what what is the uh what's the logline for scare me in case people haven't seen it you want to sell them a little bit besides being the ultimate josh rubin vehicle where you you and ayah cash is it just stay in one location for nearly 90 of the movie and it's correct it's just josh doing going slowly insane and doing all the cool stuff that you're used to seeing josh do uh i think the biggest criticism was uh i can't believe I just watched Josh Rubin's SNL reel. What a shitty excuse. I watched one of your SNL reels.

It was incredible. A high production SNL reel is good. I feel like if anyone were to watch it now, every joke would get me canceled. Even Isabella Rossellini doing jock jams. There's probably something someone will find. They're like, Alex Jones, like there's just something in it. But it's, Scare Me is, let's see,

two strangers tell each other scary stories to ride out a power outage. But the scariest tale of all is, Fred is the lesser storyteller that was like a really bad logline but basically like it's about a guy who's like super competitive with um this woman storyteller realizes she's way better than him and that becomes more dangerous than oh any creature at any of the tales over this campfire but the cool thing is there's no props we literally tell stories in space

I guess like a little improv story you do a good job of setting a tense mood throughout the entire movie while things are silly in a hardly working environment but everything is a little moody, scary, tense anxious the entire time

the horror movie of it all it was interesting to like you know i didn't make a preachy me too movie but it's definitely about like men like emasculated men in the face of a woman's greatness like yeah like this woman is like so much more talented so it's like it reminded me a lot of men i've met in my life who just like feel entitled to when like women like make a little more money like with that we don't ever say this sort of stuff but she's clearly more successful than this guy and so when i when i pitched this when i was sort of pitching this story to like you know um fellow white mid-30s men they were kind of like

yeah that's wow they wouldn't necessarily compliment it or sort of like they're just like i do understand that. Yeah. Like a Philip Seymour Hoffman. The twist is that he's actually a better storyteller in the end. Right. Isn't that interesting? Yes.

But he has a better car. Does he have a better car? Help. I will not see it. I won't see it. I won't see it. So is it still streaming or can you only watch it with these? Yeah, it's on Shudder.

It's on iTunes, Amazon. I don't know. Just go to the old Just Watch app and find it. Even I don't know. Hell yeah. All right. I guess I should introduce this podcast now that we're about 20 minutes in. Just to let people know if you're listening. Just forosh this is if i were you uh an advice podcast actually the only one on the

internet hosted by me and jake and oftentimes we're alone in our zoom room today we're fortunate enough to have josh rubin writer director actor of scare me what's the what's the what's the new one that i haven't seen yet well the new one uh new and no one's seen yet okay so i don't feel like that unless that one's coming out yeah unless it's been pirated uh werewolves within it's an a comedy ensemble whodunit with sam richardson and milana vaintrub our buddy milana um yeah they're fantastic in it and it's cool. It's about a divided small town that gets actually similar to Scare Me Snowed

in and they basically have it out with each other as toxic resentments in the small town sort of boil over. But also there might be something lurking in the darkness picking them off. So it's kind of like a ready or not, knives out kind of a vibe.

It was fun as hell. We shot it when there was a lot of snow in Fleischmann's New York. And also we wrapped three days before lockdown. So towards the end, everyone was like, have you heard about this? Why do you only shoot movies in really cold dark wintry months in freezing places horror movies i think because i i i'm i'm um i'm averse to wearing a fitted shirt so if i can wear a big patagonia and eat a lot of brownies i think that's it i think i'm ashamed of my body and so i i want if i could shoot where it's cold i could wear a big chunky sweater and

have a pilsner with a brownie and just like, you know, not have to go swimming. Is that why you guys shot Hardly Working Brownies, you two? Is that what the impetus was? Wow. Funny story about Hardly Working Brownies. My ex-girlfriend, who I was trying desperately to win her affection back because you know I was 25 and didn't want to sort of you know

explore my life she had brought those brownies I think like maybe 16 minutes before we shot I feel like we just kind of decided to shoot it like after yeah we were just like doing that it felt like we were like doing that bit and then it was like go everyone go get the cameras we'll like we doing that it felt like we were like doing that bit and then it was

like go everyone go get the cameras we'll like we'll do it for real right yeah right because that wasn't scripted it was just like it was one joke done in a very interesting way i think it's one of my favorite hardly working still just like you guys laughing and getting mad with brownie batter in your teeth. That was it. I can't. Do you ever look back at that, like, golden era? There's got to be. There will be a documentary, I'm sure.

I hope. You know, it'll look like I'll Be Gone in the Dark, but it'll be about the College Humor Days where you could, like, make a salary but also leave for a three-hour lunch and buy jeans. I'm still waiting for the oral. Do you think about that time? I want the oral history so badly. So badly. Yeah. I want someone to write that oral. Do you think about that time? I want the oral history so badly. So badly. Yeah. I want someone to write that oral history. It will happen.

Absolutely. It will. It totally will. Do you think about that? Yeah. We were poor and happy. A lot happier and a lot poorer than we are now. And it doesn't make any sense. What did we know?

Why were we so carefree? I used to sleep. I mean, now you go to work and you want to go home. It's better to be at home. I used to sleep like i used to i mean now you like go to work and you want to go home you know it's like better to be at home i used to sleep at the office i used to like be there until like 11 i used to go there on the weekend sometimes yeah yeah it was like a social club right showing that place off like oh my gosh if you want to use the bathroom please yeah like let me scan a card i know a do doorman. I do remember having friends visit that office was so impressive. Yeah.

Because you had the bathroom code. Were you guys in every office? Were you in the White Street one? Yeah, we were in Tribeca. Yeah, we were in the Tribeca one. The Tribeca one was nice, but it got so crowded by the end that it was just like... And there were two bathrooms, and they always stunk of shit. It was, it was brutal.

And yeah, then, and then 225 Park Avenue, the Park Avenue office was just like the absolute best one. I rode my bike by there the other day and it like gave me. Oh God. Yeah. That's where Jordan Hall and Jack Zerbe got in a wrestling match. Oh my God. The shit that we did. We did that. First Jack Zerbe got in a wrestling match. Oh, my God. The shit that we did.

We did that. First Jack Zerbe shout out. Do you remember what that was? We had just almost like an after work wrestling club where the entire office stood in a circle and we would just point to two different people and they would wrestle. That could never happen now. We would just like you like you you jordan and like and i think i wrestled i wrestled vinnie rosie wrestled like kevin maybe

but like absolutely jordan hall was the strongest guy it made no sense like i remember helping it was terrifying i was i remember being like deadwood. Yeah, I was cleaning up a set after a shoot one time. I was trying to help Jordan. And I was moving this box, both hands dragging it across the floor, needing somebody else to come pick up the other end. And Jordan just picks it up by the handle, one hand, tosses it into a truck. He's a maniac. Yeah, because he was like a cattle farmer or whatever which is why it was it was terrifying to watch jack dommer zerby who was an mma fighter jack was like a a fucking like a dad

and like a trained martial arts fighter and jordan was just like that's why the strongest jordan just couldn't lose man in town yeah jordan has no like no like not like no wrestling knowledge he's a lumberjack yeah it was a little lumberjack but he just doesn't lose and jack is like a trained fighter and it was fucking insane but it was but i didn't know that i just saw a man in khakis and a button down i was like oh this will take too much and just i think there's 7d footage of it somewhere yeah everybody had that camera. There's beautiful photos of this somewhere. Absolutely. On a Flickr account that nobody can access.

Jack Zerbe's Flickr account. All right, we need to take a break and answer some fucking questions. Otherwise, Jack Zerbe's legal department is going to send us a very hateful cease and desist. And the line is open, guys. Yeah. Please start calling. Nobody's calling yet, but we'll be back after these messages. I think we got a good one for you.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. I said, Josh, this one has some horror movie vibes. It's written by a lady. So why don't you give this lady a fake name we can refer to her as? Oh, Mildred Dinks.

Wow, that was fast. Okay. Mildred Dinks writes, I've lived with one of my roommates for four months now, and I'm still slowly getting to know him. He's kind of quiet, but we'll have small talk here and there, and occasionally he'll ask how my day was. We had a movie night a couple times with one of our other roommates, and we're both working as well and are not home very much at the same time.

He seemed totally normal until recently. He mentioned how he was thinking about purchasing a satanic Bible he saw at a bookstore downtown. Then he mentioned how he's never used a Ouija board before and is curious about the experience. He's never given any indication that he's into that kind of stuff or curious about it, and it obviously has me taken aback. I'm not religious, and I've personally never had any paranormal experience,

and I don't really believe in ghosts either, but the fact that this guy is thinking so much about dark matters is really concerning to me. Should I find a new roommate or leave the situation be, considering I don't believe in ghosts? Do I tell him he shouldn't purchase a freaking satanic Bible? What if he's a sociopath? Please help me out. Love your show. Do more live shows soon. Come back to Seattle. Thank you so much, Mildred. Thanks, Mildred Dink. So, M mildred doesn't believe in ghosts but at the same time it's really creeped out by the satanic bible and what it's

capable of and should she tell her roommate that he can't actually do that dark arts shit in her apartment how long has she known jack serby it's like it's four months i live with one of my roommates for about four months so do you do believe in that stuff, Ouija and ghosts and horror stuff? I don't know if I believe in Ouija boards, but I wouldn't fuck with one. I've just heard a little too much. I don't want to open a crevice. Oh, a crevice. Whoa!

Look what happened. It's opening! It's opening in josh yes my advice learn learn from him sorry that was just my cry holy shit sorry that was my cry it was just cry but no mildred um get out yeah you think that's too scary of a situation the dark arts the satanic bible there's a difference between ouija and the satanic bible if the roommate is like curious about like paranormal activity and ghosts that seems fine um like maybe more quirky than creepy if he's

if he's fucking like doing dark arts sat satanic rituals, that's fucking not, no bueno. You gotta, you gotta get that loud. And like the, the, the risk isn't that the ritual works and Satan is unleashed. Right.

It's just that this guy is a little too, he thinks he's possessed. Yeah. You don't want that. What, wouldn't refusing the Bible almost escalated to the point where it feels too real? Or it's like, you can't let that cursed book in here. Not near my bed.

Then it's like, ooh, what powerful, powerful prose is written. Yeah, you get yourself a cross necklace and a garlic garland. Get some garlic. Yeah. Holy water. Just overdo it. Just overdo it. Just overdo it. Get a Jehovah's Witnesses book, some Christian science pamphlets, some garlic, a big, just

a pilgrim hat. I don't know why. Right. And maybe he'll just at least cool it a little bit. Totally, yeah. That's terrifying. Preacher caller. It could also be Henry Zebrowski.

I don't know. Yeah. I mean, you could have your own exorcism. That at least makes you the creepy one that's right that's a that's a tech out creep him right out creep him just drink some just did you watch these movies like why are you how do you have such an encyclopedic knowledge of these scary movies how you've been pigeonholed into directing these horror films are you like a horror aficionado or did you just luck into this world i was a horror fan before i

was a comedy fan my sister and my brother they well this was more rachel my sister's that was like she was like you know yeah hey check out this movie with freddy krueger he's like a cartoon character you know you can tear his face off and reveal his skull underneath. I think I just, for some reason, just took to horror movies a lot earlier, especially the schlocky VHS colorful cover stuff.

Because they kind of looked cartoonish in their own way. Like, oh, monkey shines. That's cool. It's a picture of a monkey. No, there's a monkey in the attic killing people I took to it I don't know maybe it was because on sweatpants days

I wore my sweatpants but on jeans days I wore my sweatpants yeah so you were an indoor kid like on gym days I wore sweatpants so I didn't have to change and so horror movies made me feel whole you weren't watching the super bowl you're watching child's play uh at home at age eight yeah yeah did you watch any sports growing up did you dabble in that world at

all i took karate for a day and i think i'm i'm sure at one point there was like a girl that liked football and i pretended to like it that was a a hard time. I remember one time though, when I bought like athletics or my mom bought me athletic sneakers when I was like nine. I probably had like, she bought me like basketball shoes, which I just thought were like cool looking along probably with like a Cardinals hat. Cause I thought it was cool colors or like a, like a Charlotte Hornets hat. hornets uh hat because like oh cool b yeah um and uh and and um the uh the cashier was like oh do you play basketball like

looking at you know a chubby danny torrence pretty much and she was like he's an actor not an athlete and i remember being so offended that my mom said that about me as if like no mom tell him i'm a basketball star and go home and play with play bat Batman toys until I fell asleep in my own drool. It does feel like there were two types of kids growing up. Like I didn't know anybody who was like a movie freak like you and also a sports fanatic. It seems like those were two different types of brains. Like even. Well, I feel like that's you guys though.

I feel like you guys appreciate like, you know, entertainment or maybe it was like comedy albums or maybe i'm conflating yeah sports or something i guess i yeah i think i was a comedy fan when i was like i don't i mean i don't remember anything i thought about it when i was nine but i think when i was like 12 like fifth and sixth grade me and my friends liked uh like adam sandler and uh chris farley movies i'm pretty sure yeah but you weren't like but you were also like playing like you know basketball probably i guess i got swept up in like sort of playing sports i was never i was never good at sports i would but my friends were good at sports i guess i'm thinking more like i was a transitional like crossover kid like nerd

and cool kids but i had no actual i basically had no skills or likes of either group. I wasn't as smart as the nerds, but I was more of a nerd, but I wasn't as athletic as the cool kids. So I was in the middle of nowhere. Like when you listen to that Adam Sandler, they're all gonna laugh at you. Did you know that came from a horror movie,

the Carrie movie, or did you just think that was Adam Sandler being wacky? Oh, i thought that was just that i thought adam sandler made that up for sure yeah and that would be the only thing that i liked about it other than like the lunch lady song yeah you were watching i remember watching those horror movies and like i was like seven or eight and i was like yeah that seemed like too young and then i see like my seven or eight year old niece i'm like jesus christ like she somebody this age was watching fucking friday the 13th like no way that's so fucking alarming she saw kevin bacon get stabbed through the throat or like a bear giving fellatio to a businessman in the hotel room in the shining it's like i don't

think so that's that was too early for me to have seen that. I saw Candyman when I was, like, it had to be, like, less than 10. And that is what ruined horror movies for me because I was so scared. Yeah. Trauma. Yeah. I'm fucking petrified. I'm still afraid of it. Me too.

That one is, that's Tony Todd. That's a terrifying one. You look into the mirror I will not say Candyman I'll say Beetlejuice anywhere I want to hang out with a fucked up look at Michael Keaton you know nice Zagnut bar like I I'll do that but Candyman yeah that what's what's the scared most scared you've been after watching a movie? I have a very specific movie and memory of this, so I can answer first. My own question.

No joke. I think, well, Candyman was one. The scene in the bathroom was pretty terrifying. And actually, oh man, I was going to say Cat's Eye with the troll in the wall, a little young Drew Barrymore getting her life sucked out through her nose by a troll. But I think it was, this is, I don't know, kind of basic,

but Paranormal Activity 2. Interesting. I almost cried I was so scared. There's a scene when some character gets dragged from upstairs all the way downstairs into the attic. And once they go in the attic, the door closes. And I remember being in the theater as a 30-year old man just going like you know what i mean like i just i thought i was like no i can't i can't do that mine was i mean mine was blair witch like 15 years

old seeing it like a burned dvd or not even dvd like cd copy on my computer with my friends were like we can't sleep alone tonight like the blair witch will probably get us was this real was this a movie like who found this fucking disc yeah they like they leaked it out to like teenagers around america to like yeah i got emotions after blair which i think was a blessing like i i was i like got nauseous and threw up because of all the camera movements. I think like I, so that, that it kept me from being scared,

but I do, I remember, um, watching the ring on like, it was in high school. It was in high school. And the girl that I liked came over and she liked scary movies. And I lied and was like,

yeah, I like scary movies. And we watched the ring and i'm fucking 17 years old i was so fucking frightened afterwards i went upstairs and i slept in my brother's room on the floor which was too scary for me because i'm like there's only one other person in here and then my two of my sisters shared a room and i went and i slept in their floor with the lights on i'm a senior in high school. And they're all younger.

Aren't you the oldest sibling? I was the second oldest. But yeah, they were 12 at the time. They were 12. I'm 18 or 17. Get out. Get out. Turn the light off.

They should have all made their hair soaking wet and started crawling. I don't know why. Yeah, why would I want to surround myself with 12-year-old girls after the ring? Turn the light off. They should have all made their hair soaking wet and started crawling to us. Yeah, why would I want to surround myself with 12-year-old girls after the ring? It's counterintuitive. That was the only time my friend Nick, who was the manliest friend I knew, which is funny because he's a very gawky kind of Bill Murray lookalike and 17 years old. We saw the ring in the theater. It was the only time Nick ever nick ever like yelped and

like literally dug his fingernails into my forearm um as if i were on a date you know um is it that that first gender eyes that like jump scare yes he's in the closet oh god five fucking minutes with the jaw yeah i can forget it forget it i hate it i hate it that just gave me the chills now it's fucking daytime you should watch the ring tonight at midnight yeah dude never sleep again all right let's uh let's take one more. We have one more question we want to answer on the other side of these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

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Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. With Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, any genre you love, you can be inspired to imagine new worlds, new possibilities, new ways of thinking. And Audible makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as a part of your everyday routine

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Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back. We got another non-scary but still silly roommate question. This is about a contentious bathtub issue from another dude, a dude in SF. So give us an SF dude's name, Josh. Okay, Blinkin' Andy. I love the name Blinkin'.

Blinkin' Andy writes, I'm a 24-year-old from SF and I just moved into a house with two of my best friends a few months ago. The house is sick but not quite equitable. I'll keep it quick, but the context is important. The house is three stories, two bedrooms on the second character

josh just did before the break i'll keep this quick bro uh two bedrooms on the second floor that share a bathroom and a master on the third floor with an en suite and walk-in closet oh en suite no walk fucking forget about it the en ensuite bathroom is absolutely prime and has a nice ass bathtub when we got the house we bid on the master bedroom and i had the highest bid so now i pay 25 more in rent for my room than what others pay totally fair here's the sticky part one of my roommates is in a long distance relationship and his girlfriend is coming over next weekend to visit he mentioned to her that i was going to be out of town and she asked him, oh, can we use his bathtub? He brought this up to me a couple days ago and said he would clean the bathtub before and after as a thank you. Sorry, the

bathroom before and after. I sort of said it was fine because I was caught pretty off guard, but now I'm thinking, do I really want to let him have a romantic bath with his girlfriend in my bathroom that feels gross even though he's going to clean it plus i'm already paying way more for the nice bathroom even though i don't really use the tub am i being a little bitch about this or is this a pretty absurd request is it too late to back out i'm kind of a bit of a coward so i was thinking about sabotaging the bath by finding a way to cut off the water or leaving a bunch of dirty clothes in there to deter them the next day. On the day. Any creative suggestions would be much appreciated.

Thank you. Blinkin' therapy is my creative suggestion. Like, cool the fuck down, Blinkin', bro. Would you let somebody use your fucking bathtub? I mean, this is prime bathtub. They're going to clean it before and after. They're going to clean it. Yeah, right.

His cum is going to stain the bathroom for eternity. The amount of fucking. No one fucks in tubs, that's just something that like you've seen in like skull face or scar face bro yeah but then you're using the bathtub they're like all right what's the big deal let's make the jump to his fucking bed i mean we're already on the third floor now we're spending the whole weekend they're shitting on your sheets they're wiping their yeah that's true curtains it's just not that's true it's a task eating if it's tacky it's tacky it's tacky don't do it it's tacky i understand you know what

sabotage it cut the water off great exert the effort i do like cutting the water off just because it might result in him not being able to ever turn it back on which would be the the good result for Blanken. But you know what? You're totally right. I think call the San Francisco Department of Water and Power. I think that's a perfectly rational decision. Shut off your tub.

Don't ask him not to. Take a sledgehammer to your tub. Jake, this was you in a way. We moved in to a big-ass place in LA, me, you, and Marty. I remember. We had one master with the en suite. The master with the en suite. We moved in to a big-ass place in LA, me, you, and Marty. I remember. We had one master with the en suite. The master with the en suite.

One mini master. The his and hers, the dual sinks. Yeah. The soaking tub. There was a Japanese soaking tub in there. A walk-in closet. And it was perfect. And I had the mini master. Two fucking balconies.

Yeah, two balconies. Two walk-out balconies. And you had the mini master. Two fucking balconies. Yeah, two balconies. Two walkout balconies. And you had that fucking Romeo and Juliet balcony. Yeah, I had one mini balcony. We called it the master, the mini master. And then Marty stayed in a sort of hamper type room down in the basement area. It was adjacent to the laundry room.

Yeah. We called it the Kegel. That's right. So the Kegel would sort of live below the house then there was the mini master and then there was the master and i think you were probably paying two and a half times what marty was paying it wasn't like a 25 premium i paid i literally think but marty's room was fucking awful so it was a dark hole it was a dank and he shared like his bathroom like because we also had podcasters coming in and out of the house at that time. Because we launched HeadGum from that house.

That's right. So any guest, anybody that was just in there would use Marty's bathroom. Because that was the only downstairs bathroom. That's right. I was at the party where that toilet flooded. That was my toilet. That was my toilet. Your toilet.

But it was leaking into the Kekle. So every time Jake would take a shit, the poop would land into the Kekle's bed. That was sort of the way the plumbing worked in the home. So the master went shit into the Kekle. That's the way the Kekle crumbled back then. You get that buddy you're only paying eleven hundred dollars to live here that's a small price to pay and yes you live in a crawl space behind the pantry and the only way to access it is through the cereal that's sort of how it goes it's par for the course. So would you let the Kekle use your soaking tub, master? I mean, I think that I definitely let, Marty never asked, but I definitely let you use my bathroom from time to time.

Why did I use your bathroom? I had a bathroom of my own. Yeah, you used to need to shave in my bathroom and i don't entirely remember why oh i think because you had you had the the the sink with like the counter space and i had just like a sink that was like kind of like a loose bowl in the middle you had a pedestal sink yeah yeah yeah exactly there was no counter space how did jake how did you win the argument to get the the 6 000 square foot bedroom when everyone else had kegels and shitholes? If anything, I lost because I just like, I overbid. I wanted the master so bad that I was like, I will pay any price.

I'll pay. Because we were also, all three of us were so competitive about who was going to have the best room. We had to make it, we had to make the master so expensive that he felt like he lost. Otherwise, there's no way to make the master worth it. It had to come with the price of guilt that I'm paying two and a half times what Kiko is paying.

So that like the financial and mental gymnastics sort of balanced themselves out. And the real hard part was pricing the mini master. Is it more of a Kiko or more of a master? And it was sort of balanced themselves out and the real hard part was pricing the mini master is it more of a kiko or more of a master and it was sort of right in between which was your room yeah that was my room i had like i had not my own private bathroom but like a bathroom right across the hall you yeah yeah uh and only you know one balcony instead of two and like it was probably half the size of the master but i think the master was the master was insane it like the master had like fucking it really was it was worth what i paid for and i think in retrospect i think your balcony was a pretty epic yeah you had a balcony that

was like a separate room like your balcony alone was bigger than the kegel my balcony was almost the size of your room and there was like a couch on it yeah yeah uh so yeah we ever left that house we shouldn't have left i was gonna ask yeah we we were renting it as part of like head gum so like it was split between us and the business and then the lady realized she was undercharging us and ended up selling the place for like millions of dollars. And we're like, yeah, you probably should have done that six months ago. But yeah, you would let people use. Instead of letting two or three idiots live here for a year. You would let people use your soaking tub if you were out of town, would you not?

Yeah, and I'm pretty certain that it happened. I can't remember exactly. Oh, you know, I mean, yes, definitely. I remember we let people stay there and they used the tub. It's's weird because this guy's out of town too they're not even asking to use your bed i could imagine being like i want to stay in your room for the weekend i'm i might bristle at that but they're just saying let us use your bathroom like that's that's fine yeah it is weird because like there's not much of a difference you're not there they can use your bedroom and you have no idea like right it's not a favor at all it seems like

and yet it still feels a little weird it's honestly nice that he asked because he's gonna now and you're gonna get a a tub clean out of the the whole thing because the like the alternative is he just lies to you and you leave town and they use it and you never say anything. And don't Ajax the cum. That's the Kekle Crisp of it. That's the way the Kekle Crumble comes. Eat your Kekle Crisp. Eat your Kekle Crisp.

Hey, t-shirts ideas, t-shirts ideas. The Kekle would actually clean jake's toilet every day right well the kiko will have to do that the kiko was my toilet so you would use the you would almost clean his room that kiko was cleaning the toilet yeah that's cool good night marty don't forget to make the flushing noise kiko I want you to be a real toilet for me now. Don't just half-ass it. He paid $20 a month to live in that mansion, but the torture he had to endure from the master will never be paid off.

He was the client face. He was the client facing operation. He had to have a suit. Why do you smell? And at that time, Jill had a studio apartment like down the street so i would spend some nights at her house and i would just be like what am i doing what am i doing i should be i should be in the fucking master yeah or you should have switched with the kiko but you didn't want to give him that no i didn't he didn't deserve that satisfaction yeah if anything you'd have to

promote me from the mini master to the full it doesn't go from kekel to master that's or let him sleep on the balcony with the couch i mean i feel like i get a tent you know i would sometimes catch the kekel sunning himself sunning kekel self onto my balcony and i would spray him with the hose and the Kiko would scamper away down the wall. Oh, so sorry. Oh, sorry. Just climb down the side of the house. What are you doing in my room, Kiko? I'll climb down the side of the house naked.

You frightened me, Kiko. Oh, sorry. You flush on me one last time. No, no, no, no, no, no. What is this angry attitude, Kiko? I am the client facing operation. I caught the Kiko reading a book yesterday, master. I don't know where he's learning such courageous thoughts.

Quiet, mini master. I was only reading the back of the Kegelkrisp. I read the back of the Kegelkrisp. Who gave you cereal, Kegel? I thought you were to only eat fish. I had to crawl through the cereal to get to my room.

I had to crawl through the cereal. I have to go through the cereal. I smell a third horror movie for you, man. It's called Mini Master. Oh, yeah, Parasite. Do you have plans for a third? Do you know what's next? Well, yeah.

He can't announce it. Is it a secret? Holy shit, it's going to be on deadline. No, there's a secret. I know it. No one's paying me out bro i i have no dreams left i i think the third thing i'm gonna do is go back to working best buy inventory because all my dreams have come true all my dreams have come true i won the egot i'm

ready to go back congrats by the way like being kind of like being a cobbler like Daniel Day-Glueis. You know what I mean? Just like kind of just very simple. Very nice. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. All right, Josh, one last time.

Totally. How do people watch these movies? What are your social medias? Let people learn. Oh, you can find me at just my name, Josh Rubin. Nice. R-U-B-E-N. Nice. And you can see Scare Me on Shudder.

It's on Blu-ray. It's on DVD. You can rent it or buy it on iTunes, Amazon, anywhere you get your movies. Great, great horror movie. Great, low-pro horror movie. You guys did so much with such a limited space. With just Josh's 401k. My God.

Wow. Can you believe it? Oh, here comes that IRS car. You can't retire, as it were, but you do have six DVDs with broken jackets to give away. Correct. Correct. I hope the fans appreciate it when I'm shivering in my 1940 Volvo. Actually, that's kind of nice.

Because you'll be able to wear a lot of jackets. Sweet. Correct. And thank you to you guys for sending in your questions and your theme song. The email address for anything, everything is ifirewshow at gmail dot

com. Would you believe we have another uh all my favorite songs are slow and sad um parody for the closing yeah we do yeah cool uh this one is by liam masters so he doesn't have anything to plug so shout out to canada i guess thank you to liam okay and thank you to josh and thank you to you guys for listening. We'll be back, of course, next week. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye.

Thank you. Everyone's advice really sucks. I killed myself inside a Starbucks. Oh, shucks. All I want to do right now is bust a nut To seize that cheese, just email these fucks If I were you with Jake and Amir Amir gets the dirties here

And Jake gets the golden mics I mean, if you think about it, most Jimmens don't win any awards, so by comparison, a turdy is not that bad. That was a Hiddem Original.