Segments - 48: Best Of 2013

Episode Date: December 23, 2013

In this episode we replay our favorite answers and theme songs from our first 47 episodes. Thanks to everybody who has ever tuned in to our show. Much love and happy holidays everybody! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey y'all! Kind of a different episode this week because Jake is back east and it turns out I can't record one of these by myself. I actually tried and it went close to three hours and not one single joke. It was actually, it's pretty messed up really. Yeah, a lot of it was just like me speaking very sternly, giving very serious advice into a microphone and then we said, you know what, why don't we just do a best of episode? That way it's sort of like a special thing for the holidays, and if people aren't around their computers or their internet as much, you're not missing new content. So we asked people what they thought was our favorite answers.

We compiled about seven of them. I'm going to separate them with our favorite intro theme songs. That way we can give those a little bit more of a play as well. And this episode is not even brought to you by anyone. Because you know what? The holidays are so commercial as is, you know, it's like, why do we have to cram things down people's throats, you know? Um, so, uh, we are just going to say, thank you. Thank you to you guys for listening. Uh, the, the viewership goes up, the listenership goes up and it's because you guys not only keep listening, but you're also passing the podcast

around. And so we really, really, really, really, really appreciate that. Also, thanks to SoundCloud for hosting us since the beginning and iTunes for helping distribute it and everything else like that. Oh, and Rec Room. How could we forget our first official studio, the boys at Rec Room? That's W-R-E-C-K, room.tv. Our boys Brian and Mike, who made our podcast sound like not garbage for a couple episodes. We're going to miss you guys in LA. Hopefully they open up an LA office very soon.

Yeah, I don't know what else to say. Obviously, I just speak for myself on all this stuff, because Jake's not here. Jake actually sent me a message to say to you guys, the fans. He said, Came up, that's all me. Stay true, that's all me. No help, that's all me. All me for real. So I don't know. I guess some people aren't as outspoken in their generosity and humbleness as other people. And oh, you know what?

That is just a Drake lyric. But something that Jake would probably say anyway. So yeah, without further ado, let's, uh, let's get into it. Uh, and happy holidays, everyone. No Thursday episode this week either, but this one's a little bit longer, so hopefully it'll suffice and we'll be back next Monday with an all new episode. Um, yeah, thanks guys. Oh, and don't worry. Uh, I was able to arrange, uh, the answers in a certain way where, um, uh, it's sort of crescendo, like it starts fake, but things, um, God, how do I even say it? Uh, they get real. If that make

you, I mean, you'll, you'll hear it. You'll understand. has left you in a jam. Write down your problems and explain what just went wrong. Email it to ifiwoshow at gmail.com. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show. Question the third. Question the third. This one's pretty good. This one's from Tobias. Tobias. Hey guys, I'm really excited to get my first car and my dad can't wait to help me and advise me on one. He always talks about going to a car auction to get my first car and is clearly excited about it. However, I don't feel as if he has a great knowledge on cars, and I don't want to risk getting a terrible car that keeps breaking.

But I also don't want to hurt his feelings. Do I go with him and spend money on a potentially bad car, or go with someone else, such as my best friend's dad, who is a professional mechanic behind his back? That is that dad's worst nightmare. Yeah, holy shit. We're going to forward this to your dad. Just talk about it. Nothing would break a dad's worst nightmare yeah holy shit we're gonna forward this to your dad just talk nothing would break a dad's heart more a dad who's a dad who's been looking forward to going to a car

action car auction with his first born son to buy him a car and you come home with dangling keys hey dad guess what uh i got i went I went with Mikey's dad instead. You know, he's sort of a nose and shit. It's not even like you went by yourself. You went with another dad, a better dad. Dad 2.0. Actually, I really like other dad. Is there a chance? I think I'm just going to call him dad.

And, Dad, I'm going to call you Roger and shit. It's extra insulting because his name is Dennis. You know, I just really, I don't know, I really get along with other dad more than you. Actually, mom's gonna start dating other dad. He's a cool mechanic. He knows what he's doing. I'm gonna

start calling you Uncle Roger. Because that's how close you are to me. That is, yeah, shit. Your dad is like, also, it's it's just insulting for a guy to like be like told they don't know anything about cars too it's like let alone the dad the dad thing it's just like hey man uh no you suck at cars my best friend's dad who's a professional mechanic that's so sad for the the current dad i mean i don't know anything about

cars my son's best friend's dad might definitely know more about cars than me. I don't think I would be insulted that he went with another dad to get a car, though. Yeah, but that's you. Because you don't care about cars anyway. This guy's like... The fact that he even knows

that car auctions exist. Right, he's like, let's go to a car auction. I've never heard of a kid that's like, parents are going to buy him a car, and then he's like kid that's like, parents are going to buy him a car. And then he's like, but I don't want my dad to buy me a car. I want this other dad to choose the car. You ingrate.

You're getting a car. What is a car auction? What's the deal there? Well, the ones that I've heard of are like cars that are taken away from people or like used in crimes or something like impounded cars and stuff like that. Cars that people can't keep their payments up on. The police take them and then sell them at an auction for like a significantly lower price. Oh, I guess I'd do that. Why doesn't everybody do that?

I think because. There's a chance there was a murder in that car. People just don't know about it, I think. Also, there's a chance that I have murder in that car. People just don't know about it, I think. Also, there's a chance that I have no idea what car options are. And that is a police seizure option. So yeah, just like every piece of advice we give, take any information I give with a grain of salt. Because there's a more than 50% chance it was complete bullshit. Hey, I learned this on a podcast.

The host did give a disclaimer that he was a moron and never knew what he was talking about. Did he just walk into a police station? One car, please. I'm here with my best friend's dad. You're somehow getting arrested already? Oh, God. They confessed to the murder in the Buick. They take your car?

No! Sell it to this kid and his best friend's dad. That is so rude. I want to go with another dad to an auction. That's friend's dad. That is so rude. I want to go with another dad to an auction. That's like a dad being like, hey, son, I want to teach you to throw a baseball. Like, no, your arm, you throw like a sissy. I'm going to learn from Ryan's dad.

Ryan's dad is Nolan Ryan. He named his kid Ryan. Ryan Ryan. What makes you think that that other dad even wants to go with you? He has his own son. His own son has an amazing car. We still haven't given him advice yet. We're just chastising you for taking your dad for granted.

You know, I'm really surprised that people keep emailing the show because what we do, you know, half the time is just make fun of them. Right, we just reduce you to rubble. Then sometimes forget to even give advice. But we really do appreciate it. And that email again is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Yes. So if you want to get insulted, call it.

Email us in. Write a really dumb question or a question you think is valid and we'll, you know, we'll find the flaws in it. You don't have to worry about that. You can also go to ifireyoushow.com to listen to all the podcasts and see the email address and all that information over there.

Cool. So did we give this kid advice? Go with your dad? Yeah. Well, I guess if you're very concerned, maybe you could suggest going with your friend and his dad also. Maybe your friend's dad

can impart some knowledge on your dad but I wouldn't cut your dad out of the process altogether especially because I highly doubt you're paying for the car yourself let your dad be involved this is a big moment in his life just as it is a big moment in your life

I imagine the kid like hey dad you can come along with us and then the cool dad the son and the son's friend are driving in a really nice 57 Buick, whatever the fuck. Like a Porsche Boxer. There's only enough room for three. Hey, why don't you go get us some nachos? Which they have at the police auction for some reason. You can come into your Kia Sorento.

And when you get there, get us nachos that were seized in a movie theater. How do you wait for us out in the parking lot? And then the other dad, cool dad, doesn't have enough money for any of the cars, so loser dad has to buy the other son a car as well. Oh, man, thanks, Glenn. You're a real sport. Well, shucks. I didn't know I was going to be buying two cars.

Golly, hey, I could always get another job or something. Yeah, that sounds great, buddy. Pretty cool, right, son? Two cars from your old man. Shut up, dad! You're embarrassing me in front of Uncle Tony. Uncle Tony, you're the best.

As he takes a check from regular dad. Poor Glenn. All the car show models are hanging on Uncle Tony, too. Whoa, who's the guy that bought two cars? Well, technically, I bought...

Shut up, loser! Yes, sir, absolutely. I'll be bought two cars? Well, technically, I bought... Shut up, loser! Yes, sir, absolutely. I'll be in the car. Oh, man. Was there a sandwich that was seized in the last week? Get out of here. Yeah, absolutely. I will, I will.

Get out of here, Glenn. I'm really, really hungry. You have to go away now. In fact, Trish over here kind of wants a car herself. Oh, golly, I don't know. Sheila's sort of a... Let me... Oh, Sheila's with me now.

You don't have to worry about Sheila. Okay, very good. Yes, absolutely. Holy mackerel. Oh, yep. He's putting me in a noogie. He is putting me in a headlock. Someone's dunking my head in the hot nacho cheese.

Stop it. Why was this seized? What sort of terrible crime took place that they had to seize the cheese? That's another mug that we're making. Seize the cheese. Seize the cheese and you do you. You can also go to SeizeTheCheese.com to see our website.

I would love to check if that domain's available right now. Should I check it right now? Seize the cheese. What are the odds that it's available? I think zero. 25%? There's no way. Really?

No way? It is a rhyme. I think there's no way it's available. Well, the thing is, we're recording this on Friday and uploading it on Monday, so we have an entire weekend to get through it. Right. To buy this domain.

SeizeThe.com is taken. Of course. Day, obviously. Seize the cheese. SeizeTheCheese.com is available. Holy shit. You guys, if you're listening, go to SeizeTheCheese.com right now. Because we bought it and we're forwarding it to our website. We have no idea what we're going to do with SeizeTheCheese.com

but we do own it. By the time you're listening to this, we own it and we're going to do something something insane, like forward it to our other website. Yeah, like a URL forwarding or something crazy. Yeah, dude. Shoot. We're going to have Glenn pay for it. It forwards to Cool Dad's porn site.

Cool Dad's so cool that he has his own porn site. It's just him sitting Indian-style jerking off. With those two kids. Holy shit, it's kiddie porn. Cool Dad was never cool at all. He was some sort of molester

from the get-go. Seize this Porsche. Seize this Porsche. You think SeizeThePorsche. get-go. Seize this Porsche. Seize this Porsche. What do you think SeizeThePorsche.com is available? Seize the cheese. Seize the Porsche. SeizeThePorsche.com is definitely still available for you guys. Seize the cheese.

I can envision myself buying that in the next two days. All right. Yeah. Solid answer. If I were you, podcast show. If I were you you podcast show if i were you podcast show if i were you i take a break with amir and jake listen to the podcast show if i were you show.com um this one is from skylar once again the email is if i wereoushow at gmail.com. Email us in.

We'll answer your questions if possible. Where should people email if they want to talk to me? We can just give your phone number. It's 203-553-9... If you said any number, someone would text it. Try texting 203... No, I shouldn't even do it. I ain't going.

I feel bad. All right. The question is, I have a friend, in quotes, who is a man-eater, to put it nicely. She is the most shallow person I know and I don't even like bringing her around my guy friends because they always end up complaining about her because she acts like such a

bitch. Whoa. Her words, not ours. Exactly. Asking for things because they obviously don't owe her an expensive night out and they obviously don't owe her an expensive night out, and they obviously don't need to pay for anything. And she treats her girlfriends the same way. Seriously, anytime she wants to hang out, I end up doing physical labor for her. One time I ended up scanning her family photos for three days straight.

That's really funny. How do I ditch this bee without looking like the one who is the bee? You're obviously not. Yeah, you can ditch that bee without looking like the one who is the bee? You're obviously not. Yeah, you can ditch that bee. Ditch the bee. Don't trust the bee. In apartment 23. I want to know how this night went that she got invited to and ended up scanning photos for three days.

That's so funny. Imagine day two. Like, ah, this sucks, but I mean, I'm halfway done. Yeah, yeah. Like, holy shit. The morning of day three must have been difficult. All right. I'm just going to homestretch.

My back hurts. My cropping is getting sloppy, but fuck if I have to finish. Come on. Skylar, do you have my fucking photos yet? It's my grandma's 80th or 90th birthday or some shit. Almost done, Marissa. I am so sorry. She lives in Poland and she doesn't even know how

big America is. She's a communist, I know. Yeah. I'm so sorry. It's just like there's so many photos. It's taken me three days. Are you freaking kidding? These are two photos at a time, Skylar. I'm not gonna freaking sit here and crop them out. Please scan one photo at a time. And scan the back of it, too.

Yeah, and don't make it crooked. In case there's a little note written on it. I've been checking. I don't want to freaking crop it and have to rotate it a little bit. Please just make sure the lines are perpendicular for the little bit. So our advice is to stop complaining and scan the photos. I mean, she's a friend, right? It's only three days.

Like, jeez, three days of your life? Oh my god, your friend has had a really hard life, okay? She's fought a war. She's grown up in communist Poland. I think the problem's not with this girl, this B. I think the problem is with Skylar. Skylar needs to have a little more self-respect. Yeah, you got to say no.

And not hang around people who suck all the dick. And just ditch those people yeah i mean definitely at least stand up to her maybe she'll respect that and change and be like all right cool skylar passed the test she called me on my bullshit oh you think it's a big test yeah well i don't know those are dummy photos that would be a great i'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but she might be an awful person that's a great idea Like if you act like an asshole all the time and someone calls you out to be like, I'm proud of you.

You did it. Now I can, now I can be the real bigger asshole. All right, cool. Now I'll start being nice. That's sort of like it one day worth of photos. Like pledging a frat where like all the brothers are just like hazing you for

two months. And then like at the end, like, all right, we accept you. Like, I don't like you. You made me fucking eat dog food, you ass.

I'm plotting to kill you. Yeah, but they're my best friends. Yeah, it's so weird. I've just been an awful person. Like fucking Stink Figgler. Asian Chris. Pug Knuckles. Irish Chris. Fat Asian Chris.

There's two Asian Chris's. There's one normal Asian Chris Chris. Fat Asian Chris. There's two Asian Chris's. One normal Asian Chris and one fat Asian Chris. So you're saying, look, stare yourself in the mirror, Skyler, and say, the problem's not with the bee. The problem is with me. Wow. If it rhymes, it must be true. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. It sounds like someone with kind of low self-esteem who like.

Yeah, you got to stand up to that. Yeah, who's just going to like. It sounds like someone with kind of low self-esteem who like... Yeah, you got to stand up to that girl. Yeah, who's just going to like sit there and take it. Is there anybody in your life that you would scan photos for three days straight for? You. My wife. An hour of silence. You. I'd do it for either of you guys, I think.

So I'd be like, I have a photo. I have a box of probably 1,500 photos. It sounds like you just did a bad job at scanning. There's no way that that task takes three full fucking days. How many photos are we talking about? And how old is your scanner? Who has a scanner? I remember my brother got a scanner for his bar mitzvah in 1992. This is a fake question. I'm starting to think some of these aren't real. Skyler?

These are real. These are real. You're a bad scanner. Our advice is to get a better scanner if you're going to have to do this kind of task if you're such a pushover that you're scanning people's family photos. Because now all of that girl's friends are being like, oh, yes, Skylar actually scanned all the photos. She did such a nice job. Do you think she'd scan my photos? She's a great scanner.

Oh, yeah. She says yes to anything. Skylar the scanner. Yeah, I know her. She's like, Skylar. Skylar a great scanner. Oh, yeah. She says yes to anything. Skylar the scanner. Yeah, I know her. She's like, Skylar. Scanlar. Yeah, yeah.

She starts her own business and makes a million dollars. Skylar's scanlary. Skylar's scanlary. We have fun. If I were you, I'd try to walk a mile in a shoe. I'd do the things that I would never do. That is assuming I was you. This first email comes from a person we'll call Aladdin.

No spoilers as to what the theme is. Just know that we're calling this person Aladdin. It's a real email, fake name, to preserve his anonymity. Oh, fuck. That's the first time I didn't say anonymity correctly. I got so excited to beat Allison to the punch. You're here every week. It's not a contest.

The ironic thing is you've probably listened to more episodes than Jake has. That is not fair. But that is true. No, I listen to every episode. That's not true. Yes, it is. You listen to every episode? I'm a narcissist.

In that regard. All right, ready? Yeah. My friends kept going on about how your schlong looks heaps bigger when shaven, so I went for a wax. The lady there convinced me to opt for a super expensive full permanent laser to completely remove all the hair there forever. I had been going out a charting to this girl for the last couple of days.

I had been going out a charting. What is that? Is that a course? Is he British? There's a chance he's from Australia and a chance that he just made up a word. I had been going out a charting to this girl for the last couple of days

and I think she wants to take things further. But one time when we were talking, she said she hates a guy who's completely shaven downstairs as it's too feminine. I don't know what to do as my hair is gone forever. Should I wear a wig down there? Or should I just live through the embarrassment

of my bald balls? Thanks, Aladdin. Well, Prince Ali... Ali! Only he had three wishes. Ali Ababwa. They'd all be for pubes. So, I think he went too far with a single friend's recommendation, right? Yeah, you don't like, oh, yeah, I really like this restaurant. Cool, I'm going to buy it.

I'm going to eat there forever. I have to eat every meal there now. What faith he has in his friend. He laser removed his hair. Not to be technical, but that usually is a couple sessions. So I think this means that he went in, got it lasically removed, and was like, all right, I have to sign up. I'll come back in two weeks.

Crazy. What a permanent decision. Are you sure it makes your schlong look bigger? Because I'm sort of bald down there forever now, I think. It's permanently gone. In your professional opinion, ma'am, would you say my shalong looks enormous or just massive? I'd say it looks smaller.

What? No, no, no, no, no. How? I got it permanently done. At very least, could you point me in the direction of your best merkin? A merkin is a pubic wig. Jesus Christ. We're learning something today.

That is so... So those are real? You can get a merkin? A pubic wig? How does that work Christ. We're learning something today. That is so... So those are real? You can get a merkin? A pubic wig? How does that work? Is it like the shape of a donut? No, it's... Oh, for a guy, maybe.

I've never seen a male merkin. I think generally it just deals with the top half. The top half. The top. It's usually just sort of a V-shaped. Is it for people who have alopecia? You could have a mustache-shaped merkin. Like, oiled and twisted

up on the side like a 1920s roller coaster tycoon merkin what would the purpose be uh if you can't grow pubes no well in in the acting industry it's for like if you're on boardwalk empire for that period movie there was no you maintenance down there. So it's for fake bushery. Yeah, it's for fake bushery. Wow. That's cool. Also, I think, although I might be mistaken, I think it's a workaround for full frontal nudity. Oh, it's like somebody doesn't want to show their actual.

Yeah. Invented by Alan Merkin in 1981. The Merkin. No, actually, luckily we are recording. It's written by Alan Arkin. Alan M. Arkin. So they shortened it to Markin. Luckily, we are recording this in Rec Room because one, it sounds great, and two, I can use my computer while we're talking. Yep.

So now that I can use my computer, I can tell you exactly that a merkin is a pubic wig and originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia and are now used as decorative items, erotic devices, or in films by both men and women. Interesting. Very cool. So anyway, you fucked up royally. Your pubes are gone forever. He's already done it. This is the worst part. It's done. It's happened. The crime has

been committed. And now you have to wear this. I'm pointing to the Wikipedia page of a merkin, which is a guy with a pink Merkin. Caption, a Merkin used at Burning Man. Jake, do you remember seeing this? Jake wore them. Is that Jake? Oh my God, that's me.

That's Merkin. That's me and Merkin. My playa name was Merkin. Merkin the Berkin Man. Twerkin Merkin the Berkin Man. It's just like, it's sad that the advice has come to this like you need all right so you have to get a murkin a pubic wig is called this girl dropped a hint that probably here's my guess because that's a randomest thing to say

i think she knew i think she knew and she's trying to slow fade the relationship and she's like how do i get out of this what is an unchangeable quality of his i can say i don't like that i can get out of this oh i feel bad because he's been a charting with her yeah he's been a charting with her i think is that a typo or is that a thing that people definitely a typo i'm trying to figure out what it is going out a charting to this girl what according according we've been going charting to this girl. According. We've been going out according to this girl for the last couple of days. No, according. I'm according her.

I've been going out and courting. Oh, I was thinking she's like, I mean, this bitch has been saying we've been going out for a couple of days. I don't know. Been going out according to this girl. I have no cubes. I have no worries. So you trusted your friend too much. My pubic mound is scorched earth now. Get a second opinion before permanently removing anything, let alone your pubic mound. Well, he got one from the waxer who just up-selled him.

No, he didn't get an opinion. She just said that he could. Oh, yeah, if you want your poops gone, there's this. Cost $1,000. We'll take them off forever. Yeah, I'll do that forever. Also, to wax them, that seems so painful. Oh, God, I would never.

Does it make your schlong look bigger? I think it makes your dick look weirder. It looks like a little boy. Bigger, sure, maybe, but it just... It's young and big. I think it just looks... It makes it look different. Here's a question.

Manscaping, is there like a universally approved length of pubic hair that people prefer? Just manageable. Yeah. So just like not too crazy yeah but not completely bare with a dubs here not completely bare i think that's weird i think that would be weird i've never seen like jake's beard or shorter or longer probably just about that so like i'm pointing to jake's merkin right now jake and me are both pantsless I'm wearing a pubic they're directly in front of me asking my opinion who has better pubes

these are the most immature and insecure people I've ever met they're so terrifyingly insecure about themselves Amir's pubes are down to his knees which oddly I prefer they're french braided with two tiny red bows on the end holidays are coming a pee pee top is what I call it I would say

hold your head high. This is how it is now. It's going to be fine. I mean, at the end of the day, if a girl likes you enough, it's not going to matter if you had too much or too little. It's all going to be okay. And if a girl at this stage, while you're just a-chorting. Just during the chorting period.

Oh, charting? Charting. I couldn't get it out without loving it. If you're still in that phase and she voices that big of a problem with it, then screw her and just move on to the next one. It sounds like she just said, oh, I prefer this.

That's not necessarily a game changer. Maybe test that theory. Oh, yeah. I would prefer to have pubes too, but they were burned off in a fire. I was like, oh, no, it doesn't matter to me. Let me explain. The fire was sort of a concentrated uh a laser fire that i paid for an exorbitant amount actually three or four sessions of it but look how much bigger my dick looks now than in the

hypothetical altered dimension that you saw me with pubic hair i can't believe yeah you know i had um i'm not trying to brag but actually this summer was my summer of perfect pubes. Oh, how did that work out? Wow, that's a big deal. I accidentally cut them too short back in May. And they just grew in the appropriate amount by June. And then I rode that wave straight up until September. Right up until Burning Man. So you're saying.

And then what happened at Burning Man? They got too long. Too long and dusty. Do you know anything about it? I trimmed them when I got back. Oh, when you got back. So the summer of perfect pubes is just you growing your pubes out in that two-month phase.

It was sort of the sweet time of my pubic discontent. It's similar to the summer that you were 13 years old. The same thing was happening. Oh, man. Did you ever shave your armpits or your pubes so they'd grow in fat, like, thicker? No. Me either. Did you? Told I, told I, Jake and Amir are here

sneering at your inquiries. Let me see, seize the cheese. Oh, jeez. Take a listen to submissions with their permission. Be there. Don't be a dummy, yo, do you? Everything is money If you're feeling lonely, don't hinder Hop up on Tinder To find a limber chick in the window With a bottle of liquor No need to call, just text No need for feeling, just sex Let me see, what's next? Email us in This is your last egg Hope you wanna laugh at jokes

This shit is hashtag dope I really think that this is crack, no coke We laughing our ass off in this place We crossing this podcast to outer space Jocelyn has been looking for ace Yeah, it's limitless email us in follow you show at gmail.com this one is from peter peter peter from australia right now down to the nitty gritty here's the

sitch i was dating this girl a little while ago and we broke up two months before her birthday because i moved to a different state now just before i had left i bought her a necklace to send her on her birthday now i'm sitting here like an idiot with a necklace and not knowing what to do with it her birthday's coming up soon what should i do with it should i risk sending it and her not replying or denying it? And me? And having to go to the nearest Starbucks and slit my throat? Ha ha ha. Thanks, Peter. Why is this a hard...

We described the questions and the problems as people that are in dire, dire need. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. And this guy's just holding a necklace that he bought for an... Like, obviously. Is this a hard question to answer? For him. For him, he doesn't quite understand it so if you bought a girl your girlfriend a present and then she's not your girlfriend anymore for two months she's not your it's not a present for her you bought the present for someone that doesn't exist anymore she's a goddamn ghost. And last time I checked,

ghosts don't wear necklaces. They'll fall off of her neck. Actually, I'm writing a pretty chill short story about it. It's called Ghosts Don't Wear Necklaces. It's the sequel to Ghosts Don't Wear T-Shirts, Ghosts Don't Wear Shoes. Ghosts are always naked.

The theory that things just go through ghosts, they should always be nude. Or they're always wearing ghost clothes. Yeah, that's true. The clothes that they dye. Yeah, that's true. But then... Yeah, no, you're right. All right.

All right, man. All right. Why are you acting like that? I don't know what's wrong with my voice, but all right, you got me. Okay, nice one. There you go, Blumfield. All right, nice one. What are, nice one. There you go, Bloomingfield. All right, nice one. What are you doing?

I don't know. Sometimes I just like to really irritate people's ears. I feel like that character is holding a radar gun. All right. All right, buddy. You guys can't see what I'm doing with my eyes, but it's really annoying. It's sort of like the face of a Robert De Niro impression. No.

With the attitude of a ghost Robert de niro impression no with the attitude of a ghost robert de niro very well yeah a guy who's like sort of having a clever banter and then someone called him out for something it's like okay we're done then you're right okay it's sort of your you do you voice yeah oh yeah that's like half yoda half dra. Drake Yoda. Drake-da. Droida. A Google androida. So is there anything you should do besides not give it to her? Also, I love the phrasing of this.

Should I risk sending it and her not replying it? Yeah, I guess that's a risk. The lowest stakes ever. Like I'd hate to send this necklace and then not hear anything back. I don't know if I can handle that risk of not hearing back from my ex-girlfriend who I sent a fucking present to. After we broke up two months ago. Are you really not going to say thank you for this gift? Give it to someone else.

That's also really weird. Would you like a necklace? I don't know. Stranger? Donate it to Salvation Army army do they take jewelry yeah totally oh that's a really sad idea for me did you say oh yeah like salvation like poor people shouldn't have jewelry you ass the thought of secondhand jewelry really grosses me out why like wearing a ring that's already been sweated on for by another guy for like tens of years. Yeah.

Gross. Well, you wash it. You don't wash jewelry. Yeah, you can. You can like put it in a pot and boil it or some shit. Is that true? I mean, I think so. You can clean it.

You can definitely clean jewelry. Boil it in a pot? I think you boil shit to clean it. I'll look it up right now. Boil it in actually miso soup. That's like a really cool technique. You got like a pot of miso soup and you boil a ring clean it i'm gonna i'll look it up right now boil it and actually miso soup that's like a really cool technique you got like a pot of miso soup and you boil a ring in it this i really this is a real thing i'm just gonna google boiled jewelry yeah and it was a suggested search boiled jewelry to clean i wrote boiled je and it wrote boiled jewelry to clean i guess i'm glad it didn't say boiling jew boiling water many people people believe that boiling water is a good way to clean jewelry.

Yeah. Dot, dot, dot. Those people are 100% wrong. No, it works. Yeah, I guess boiling anything would clean it. Right? So that's our advice. Yeah, how did this happen? You want to get that one mistakes let us here what mistakes led us to

this terrible search on my phone that'll be here forever and even if i delete my history let's just it's in the cloud the nsa is just looking someday i might have to answer for that boiled jewelry to clean some sad desperate search where like i've soiled jewelry what do i do man do i fucking boil it i got a stain on this ring it's in the cloud it's in the cloud the fact that i searched that though you can delete it from the phone, but it'll never go away in your mind. It's real. It's here. Earlier today, I Googled Mark Paul Gosselaar shirtless. Your last two searches.

You should post that on somewhere. Be like, I'm not afraid of posting my search history. Mark Paul Gosselaar shirtless boiling jewelry. What's the one below that? I don't even want to tell you guys. It's Rob Thomas. Shirtless. Not shirtless, thank God.

Rob Thomas boiling jewelry. Yeah. Let me look at mine and see if there's one that's humorously embarrassing. This one's pretty embarrassing, but not really. Bitrate calculator. That's embarrassing. You loser. This one's also embarrassing.

ESPN.com. You Googled ESPN.com You googled ESPN.com I googled Mark Paul Gussler Mark Paul Gussler wife Mark Paul Gussler shirtless Then how did them boil jewelry to clean You should look how to pronounce

Mark Paul Gussler It feels like you're guessing Mark Paul Gussler I just want to see his fucking abs I don't care how to say his goddamn last Mark Paul Gosselaar. It feels like you're guessing. Mark Paul Gosselaar. Mark Paul Gosselaar. I just want to see his fucking abs. I don't care how to say his goddamn last name. Zach Morris dick. Zach Morris dick huge.

Boiling water cleans diamonds. Boiling water clean dust and diamonds dick. You're funny man you really are don't like ruin it by saying that that was really funny i think why what i can't believe i searched this weird shit oh my god uh don't send her the necklace give it away you jerk Give it away, throw it away Boil it away Boil it until it disintegrates And then drink a glass of hot boiling gold It just dissolves

Put it in a fucking drawer Put it in a drawer It doesn't matter Just don't give it to her She's your ex-girlfriend You don't give her jewelry Jake has a butterfly tattoo That's okay Because he still has a pretty shit say ex-girlfriend. You don't give her jewelry. You can learn a lot to listen less and listen to their voices. Because if they were you, they'd make better life choices.

Rest in peace, love. Break time. You know, I wanted to read that. Break time. Break it. I wanted to read that email that we got, which was a follow-up to the advice that we gave back in episode 11 or 12. Let me find this email. All right. advice that we gave oh yeah back in like episode 11 or 12 let me find this email all right so this is the email from it was the guy the the answer where we gave you got to earn this booty you got

to earn this booty and this is the thing that uh they do on car talk which uh which i model everything that we do after as much as i can right uh they will follow up with someone who they've given advice to and ask if they were correct right so So this kid asked a girl out a couple times and she said no. And he asked us, should we ask her out again? And we basically said no. She already said no a bunch of times. And then we got into this bit about how maybe a girl just keeps saying no because she's telling the guy that he's got to earn this booty.

But in fact, that's telling the guy that he's got to earn this booty but uh but but in fact that's not the case if if somebody uh says no to you many a times it's time to pack it up right you don't want to make her feel uncomfortable so he said he responded uh or he um emailed us in and gave us this follow-up uh to our advice and he said hey guys i, I heard you guys were thinking about doing a Where Are They Now episode. You called me Gunther to preserve my anonymity and gave me some fake advice about dealing with a girl. You told me that I was being a stalker and made it clear that I couldn't earn this booty.

Turns out you were correct, but there's a silver lining to the story. I cried in front of her, and less than a week later, she sent me an apology text for the way she treated me. Now it's awkward between us, and I still can't get over her. But at least I'm feeling better. Do you know what silver lining means, Gunther? What is what? That is so ridiculous.

There's a silver lining to the story. I broke down in front of her. I wept openly in front of the girl that I liked. And not one, two, three, or four, but five days later, she finally reached out and said she was sorry. So, yeah. Oh, and don't worry. It's weird between us now i assure you to make matters better it's weird so just to recap they were big fat tears in front of the girl i liked a uh a delayed apology text

and now lasting uh awkwardness so at least I have that going for her. Why is this a silver lining? This guy really didn't understand silver linings playbook. This is, how did it start? Turns out you were correct, but there's a silver lining to the story. This is so, why are you feeling better? At least I'm feeling better. Everything went as bad as it could.

You cried in front of her. I guess it's nice to purge your feelings. I'm really happy that it worked out, at least in your eyes. Yeah, at the very least, you think you did a good job. I love Gunther. Dude, I think you're great, man. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I mean, shit.

Silver lining. where is it? Man, we have good news and bad news, actually. The bad news is I feel like you're going to die in the next week. But there is a silver lining to this story. It's going to be painful and difficult. Anyway, I'm Dr. Gunther, and you can call me later. At least I'm feeling better about things. He must

hate silver. He must think silver is a terrible thing. Yeah. The worst thing of all is that there's a silver lining. He's more of a gold fan. Mike Gold. 24 karat gold. Slick Rick Gold.

So fresh we really shouldn't sing songs that we don't know the lyrics to We've got a sticky situation E-mail me They'll give you a name That's fake If all else fails and the prompt prevails Seize the chance Bonnie dreams

Hashtag dope If I were you Burt writes, Can anyone come up with a theme of the day for this episode right now? That's right. It's Matt Groening's family members. Hey, I'm a sophomore in high school, and I am leaving on a really long trip. I usually shave with an electric razor, but it's broken. My dad is never home to teach me how to shave.

Should I wait for him to teach me, or should I just YouTube that shit? Oh, no. Oh, Bart. It's so... He's protecting himself. Should I YouTube that shit? My dad's not there

for me. Hey, my old man sort of neglects me. Should I YouTube shit? I don't know how to tie a tie. My dad promised to teach me, but he's always busy. Should I just YouTube that shit? My dad, I stood in the backyard of our house for two and a half hours just tossing a baseball into my own glove. Should I YouTube

that shit? Oh my god. It's also funny because I can't imagine he grows a lot of facial hair. It's like this is a big issue. It's just like... Hey, my dad's gonna teach me to shave. Oh wait, no he's not. Maybe I'll YouTube that shit.

Is the question, should I YouTube this shit or wait for my dad to be there for me? Should I wait for him to teach me or should I YouTube that shit? Just because he told me he was going to the store 10 years ago. I haven't heard from him. So I'm debating whether or not to start YouTubing shit Someone needs to teach me how to be a man And it's either going to be my father or YouTube

Should I set my mom up on a date You know help her find love again Or should I Should I just YouTube that shit His dad His dad is off Getting a hand in israel on a bus right now his dad is 33 um jesus what's the advice i guess youtube this shit daddy's not going home but more than anything I'm sorry about your relationship with your father.

Hey, I don't even know if I'll ever have a good father figure in my life. I don't even have an older brother, so should I? Yeah, who's going to teach me how to be a better person? Or should I YouTube that shit? I want to treat women right and sort of, you know, be the man of the house. But I don't know. My dad kind of sucks because he's never around. I'm starting to think I should just YouTube shit. Alright, I found some shit on YouTube

and I think I'm ready to be the dad my dad never was to me. There should be a sad YouTube channel that's like Daddy's Not Here. Just all the things like you know, how to hammer and nail. Everything your dad's supposed to teach you.

My dad never taught me that. Did you YouTube that shit? I YouTubed that shit. Thank God. I guess another one of your options is to just buy a new electric razor, right? He's going on a long trip. I mean, I feel like there are definitely, like, undertones in this question that we don't need to talk to him about shaving, right? Look, your dad, he's a busy guy.

I'm sorry that he's not teaching you how to shave. YouTube the shit. You know what? You're going to be your own man. YouTube sends this kid like a football in the mail on his birthday. Because his dad was never there. So what's the advice? The advice is buy a new razor, then YouTube that shit.

If I were you, if I were you, I'd know exactly what to do. So trust me, I trust in you. Listen to my dope and bye-bye. You seize the cheese, then bounce so gracefully. Are you ready for some modest day? Let's go to Brian. Brian. basketball and football workouts and camps. The baseball coach said it will help my chances of playing varsity next year and they need me. Should I play summer baseball?

This doesn't count. You don't need advice, you prick. You're perfect. Here's some advice. Be my friend. Yeah, you're a three-sport varsity athlete that has your pick of which sport you want to play. I'm just afraid I won't have time to have sex

because I've maximized my time playing sports. How am I going to hook up with chicks? So I'm already hooking up with the head cheerleader, but now the prom queen wants to sleep with me too. What do I do? I'm worried it'll hurt my chances. Yeah, shit. You don't have a problem.

This is what they call the opposite of a problem. Would you say this is a good problem to have? I don't even think it's a problem to have. It's a good situation to have. It's a good situation to be in. You're so good at sports that three different coaches need you to play on their summer teams. Is it possible that this person is unattractive? In my mind, he's the best looking

guy in high school yeah um three sport athletes are can they be ugly i don't think like he's no no i don't think they can't wait so what a position quarterback if he's gonna be quarterback quarterback shorts or quarterback pitcher right he's got an arm point guard amazing athlete chances are what are the chances that this guy's very ugly send us a picture of yourself sir you're listening we want to see a picture i guess even if his face is unattractive like an unattractive face on a very athletic body is not even true well i mean he might not have an athletic body but he's doing three sports? I was just kidding. The dude's obviously fucking ripped, cut, stacked. I mean, what? This guy's jacked, stacked, putting up racks.

Your triceps are probably the size of my fucking legs, dude. I'd love to know how many dips you do. I'd love to know your max bench. I won't even ever try it, but I want to know your regimen, okay? I want to know. I want to know your circuit. I want to know your diet. I want? I want to know. I want to know your circuit. I want to know your diet. I want to know your regimen.

I want to know what kind of clothes you wear, okay? Let me picture you. Are you a tight medium? If you were a large, does it look like a goddamn small? This guy wears the Ryan Gosling jacket and everyone applauds. The coach is like, hey, play the summer league for baseball. It's going to really help your chance in varsity. We need you.

I think you're going to be fine. I think the coach is just going to let you do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, he's going to be like, coach, I'm going to do football practice this summer, and you can suck my dick if you want. I will suck your dick. Yes, you will. I will suck your dick, Brian. Get that on both of your knees and tell me that you –

I know. Two hands, crank it out. That's right. There it is. Are you an idiot? Nope. Say you're a child. I'm a child. Say you're a kid. I know Two hands, crank it out Are you an idiot? Say you're a child I'm a child Say you're a girl Will you be the DH too And I'll say I'm a girl I will not do that unless you call your wife right now I'll call her

Oh my god, I can't believe Brian's making me do this Hi, Charlotte? Charlotte, it's me, Gil I'm a girl And I'm sucking Brian's making me do this. And you are going to do it, right? Hi, Charlotte? Yep. Charlotte, it's me. And what are you? I'm a girl. I'm a girl. And I'm sucking Brian's dick right now. I would never fucking play for such a pushover.

That's right when it comes. That poor couch. Jake, you couldn't see, but it was two-handed cranking throughout that entire bit. A super soft penis. I'm a girl. I really am a girl. I really am. Hello?

Yes. I'm a girl. You're a loser. I would never fucking play for you. Splooge Brian Dammit Brian Christ man That's not cool

That really isn't cool dude I'm gonna give you one more chance Go fuck yourself Alright I will I really will go fuck myself if you think that's what it'll take no this is sort of separate from the baseball deal i still want you to do it absolutely i'd like to suck your dick again just for me you got a problem and you need advice that's hashtag dope

Well I might know these Jews that have their own podcast show If I were you, sure, at gmail.com I've got a wicked sense of humor, can't believe what they say They'll ramble on for 20 minutes, then they'll be on their way. And all you wanted was an answer, but they don't go for that, yeah. They're reading through the roof and they don't write back. Singing, whoa, if I were you, you'd never let me go. Why don't you let me know?

I don't know If I were you You'd never let me know Why don't you let me know? We'll call this dude Abraham. Abraham writes in. Hello. So I met this girl on Facebook and we started chatting and all.

We both love the same bands, movies, and shows. After months of chatting and Skyping, she wanted to meet me in person a month from now. She is a smoking half French, half Italian, which is the complete feature most guys want, I guess, which will make me nervous when I see her face to face. How can I play it all cool and hope for the best? How do I avoid awkward silences? I am also considering learning a bit of French phrases to impress her. Should I go for it or avoid the risk of making ridiculous mistakes in French? We are meeting at her city. And where should I take her?

A restaurant? Movie? Parks? Thank you, guys. Feel free to make fun of me in whatever wild idea you can come up with. But please don't forget to give advice, too. Love, Abraham. Furthermore, what is a restaurant if i take her to one do we sit down and order food well after shoving carbon nutrients in my mouth

where do i get the green paper that people don't get mad at people after they take stuff for in a park will there be grass if so shall we sit on it do i have to compete with the trees for oxygen or do they get it somewhere else oh uh whatever wild way you can imagine to make fun of me i know it's gonna be hard i know it will be a stretch as this is the most normal email anyone's ever written and i do understand how life works and it's definitely not sent from an alien love i i i i i kill kill kill seek destroy i know you need a i know you need a computer to send an email but i feel like this is our first email actually sent from the computer yeah it's not from the person itself there is a just a just a computer taking a girl out on a date the first

sentient being hello podcast show i met a girl on the book facebook girl shows up at the parks just to fuck it's a walking Dell desktop with a body. I'm deep blue. I'm not what you expected, am I? Bonjour. Oui, oui. Bonjour fromage. I beat Garry Kasparov in chess in the 90s, and yet I still can't get pussy, pussy, pussy.

Destroy. And awkward silence. how is that fair how did this happen i took you to a restaurant movies parks parks i was instructed on how to avoid these say something say something say lovey don't meet this chick, man. You don't need to get tests for STDs Just hold up, text and pass an overburning Man that sees the cheese So if I were you I'm a beast in that regard If I were you

Texting girls gets jank hard If I were you I'd say no to you. That was it. That was our best of episode. We have fun. Oh, God, I miss Jake. Anyway, thanks again, guys.

We really, really do appreciate it. And we love you all. Well, obviously not I miss Jake. Anyway, thanks again, guys. We really, really do appreciate it. And we love you all. Well, not, obviously not all of you. There are two to three that we just like a lot. Not necessarily love. I mean, you probably know who you are, though. Yeah, we'll be back next Monday with episode 49. Wow.

How the time flies. I'm alone, actually. See ya. If I were you. I'm alone, actually. See ya. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary

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