Segments - 480: Erotic Fiction

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

In this episode we discuss sexy books, anti-vaxxers, and Amir's externship application at Coca Cola.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed?

Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. My name is Hum. My name is What? My name is Cherry Dude. Seize the cheese, this dip needs to be locked away. Hard One and Hugo are here to save the day. I'm not ready to leave to go get my degree. I've got some business ideas that seem pretty great to me. Should I fuck my friend's aunt? I can barely decide.

I just drank a fifth of vodka. Dare me to cry? All my life I was very deprived. My dad never showed affection, so I YouTube that shit. Clam dip like a Rosenberg twin. My girlfriend is blowing her ex inside the Sims. When I was little, I used to have gym class with Gautier. A substitute teacher stole my phone yesterday. I lay awake and strap myself in a bed in the middle of a Starbucks and shoot myself in the head When I'm steamin' mad By the way, when you see my dad Tell him that he was delicious

And this Biscuit had Cause he's a pumpkin What? My name is What? My name is Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cherry Nodin' Hi

My name is Hum? My name is What? My name is Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cherry Nodin' Hi My name is

What? My name is What? My name is Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cherry Nodin' Hi My name is Hum? My name is what my name is what my name is hi my name is my name is what my name is very nice my name is very nice what it's from uh it's marshall basically let's yeah matters yeah i know just shout the guy out shout the guy out you butchered who it's a parody of i love the uh the line well there's a lot of good lines that is one of them was like

tell your dad he was great in a bisque i had because he's a pumpkin your dad was great in a bisque i had. That's funny, but ease up on my old man. That's silly, but why don't we cool it with hurling insults at my father? Okay? Okay. Yeah. First of all, you do that a lot, and I didn't do anything. It was just that this song had a funny...

Yeah, I do it. It's references to an old... I can do it. All right. I can do it. Fine right. I can do it. Fine. But you really shouldn't. Okay.

You really shouldn't. Okay. Okay? Yeah. My dad, he's a good man. He's a gourd man. He's a very gourd man. So he is.

Yeah, you're still calling him a squash. A butternut man. I can do that. Also, I just drank the fifth of vodka. Dare me to cry is very funny. Yeah. Did we say that at some point i hope so a reference to us i've definitely said it in my life i just don't know if it's like a quotable thing we said or if uh this person also made it up and i like dare me to

cry is a very funny dare dare me to cry it seems like you're gonna want to do it anyway. I'm already crying, yeah. I was hoping it could be double doggy worth it, though. He doesn't have anything to plug, so I'll plug givingwhatican.org where listeners can check out why some people decide to donate 10% of their income to effective charities

and where they can eventually make that pledge themselves if they'd like. So that's pretty cool. Very cool. giving what we can.org. Here's a PS attaching a picture from a live show that helped cheer me up after a breakup. And it's me,

you and this guy and his ex-girlfriend, I guess. So, Whoa. Yeah. Jesus. Sorry to hear that that but at least the memories of live show is kind of fun we're all touching each other and unconcerned about that kind of shit so that was yeah wow and that's peter from new york city so thank you thank you peter um i wanted to

start this episode by addressing some nasty allegations about the last episode um you brought this to my top of mind and um yeah it was basically i don't know if you well let's you're talking you're talking about we're talking about fart gate here yeah well i don't want to use that term but yeah i just i guess listen to this clip in which Josh is talking, describing his film, and then you hear this noise in the background. But the scariest tale of all is... Right. So that was like, that was, I don't know if you heard that, but that was like sort of this noise of a chair or like door creaking open or a tub. That's a fart that echoed around the world that many people actually brought to our attention.

It was on Twitter. It was on Reddit. People were curious if we heard it and why it happened. Right. How it got into the episode. So the noise was from me farting, but the whole like drama around it was... The fart was from you farting.

You farting. There was this witch hoax that sort of surrounded and clouded the whole episode. And I feel nasty to Josh for having him on and then only to have one of us do that to him.

Yeah. Regardless of who it was. During the, we asked him to come on the podcast and during the one minute where he gets to promote his movie. I took that as a green light, a brown light, actually, to sort of cut the cheese, as it were. You ripped ass.

Yeah. You passed wind. You broke wind. So I was able... And you passed gas. We record this on a Zoom, so I can mute myself right now, you know, and fart, and then come back. You can't hear it. But what I forgot was that the mic that I'm recording into, don't mute that that just went straight into the episode and these are pretty

directional mics so that really had to be it had to rip a little yeah these mics like they're made to pick up only what's in front of them while we've been recording and it's never picked up like that sound you really you push that i needed to have that out of me and when it came out it was it was good that it did but unfortunate timing so i just wanted to address that we're sorry you and i about we are sorry you're the face of the pod so what everything muted yourself i didn't even know that was everything i can do you can do wetter so at this point jake i'd like you to put your ass to the microphone and let's hear a good old-fashioned shart and while you're doing it also what's that i said i'm not gonna do i'm not gonna do it i can't

i'll try it i did it was a really really that really tight. That was so offensive. That was so rude, actually. You asked me to do it. I asked you with a capital ass, and you did. And now we're both sorry for having said that. But yeah, I guess witch hoax over. It was me. I admit to it or whatever. If you admit to it, then it wasn't a witch hoax, this is the most turdy thing

you've ever done in the entire run of this podcast. You literally sharted on the episode. This is how rumors get sharted. I passed wind. I had trapped gas. And honestly, it would be more offensive

if you asked me to keep that in during the... No one's asking you to keep it in. Well, keep it in during Josh's pitch for his film, during this one time to promote. What I should have done was cut it out of the edit, including cutting it out of my ass. So, like, if I were to cut it... Yeah, you definitely could have done that.

Yeah, I should have cut it in post as well as through my colon. So, I guess I'm sorry, and let's just put to bed the mystery of this honestly i don't even know if i did it and at this point i'm like starting to think like i was wrongfully accused you said that you you said you did it you explained how it happened you said you muted yourself and not your chair you've said all this it was now you're back i really think i stepped on a cushion of whoopee you think like i mailed you a whoopee cushion this is all my i think so i think you mailed me a cushion of the whoopee variety and i took advantage of it during an inopportune moment so i wanted to take this time and we wanted to apologize to everyone um you know what i am sorry for anybody that had to listen to it i? I am sorry for anybody that had to listen to it.

I'm sorry for anyone that had to listen to it, too. So thank you to both of us for apologizing. I think it takes a stronger man to bring it up, which I did, and kind of a coward dick move to throw me under the bus at the end there. But so it goes, I guess. You barely brought it up. You called it a witch i am applying for an externship at coca-cola so i wanted to make sure that my record was

absolved so that i could do a social media internship so you can work for Coke. Yeah. Yeah. During the pandemic, they're looking for social media externs to sort of pitch for free hashtags that can be used in future contests. Interesting. So if you have one, let me know. I don't have one, no. But I wanted to get ahead of the fart thing. Yeah, exactly. Okay. have one no so you don't want to get ahead of the externship yeah exactly okay you want to work for coca-cola coming up with hashtags you haven't thought of one yet but you're covering your bases

by apologizing for the fart heard around the world on your show just in case they reach out after reading your app is that what's going on? I think we're caught up. Yes. I think we're finally ready to start. Throw me one hashtag. Throw me one hashtag for Coca-Cola. Just I feel like you have to be. I mean, I have a bunch of like super back of the envelope.

Rushed. Okay. Rushed situation. Right. So I wouldn't, I just want to hear kind of like where your head's at. I'm not even asking you to like tell me you know what you want to pitch because yeah i understand you'll you'll probably put some work in for the actual application you'll eventually i'm sure this is like there's no it's called just your favorites, open sky or whatever. Like, there's no bad idea situation.

Yeah, a blue sky rainstorm. Yeah, exactly. Like, let's just start. We want to get some pen to paper, and there are no bad ideas at this point. That's where I am. No bad ideas. Right.

It's almost a good idea if one of these are stupid, unless you like one of them, and then we could sort of pitch. That it could work, then we'll workshop it, yeah. But just to get us started, throw out some of the hashtags that you've been thinking of for Coca-Cola. I mustache you as summer. So it's like, you know Movember? Yeah.

So this is I mustache you a summer. And it's like, I don't know how it would even tie into Coke is what I'm saying. Like, it doesn't make sense. But basically, you would have to. I mustache you. So instead of like, I mustache you a question is, I guess, the pun. I guess, yeah. But not even really.

But you said, must dash you a summer so it's like a pun on a pun it doesn't make sense but it would basically be like you grow a mustache in honor of coke which again nobody would know what the fuck that even means and then they could potentially put some sort of like sweepstakes under the labels which they would need years to plan let alone execute so there's no there's not even a point to bring it up um but i did i'm glad yeah thoughts you're working against yourself through the pitch too i'm like yeah you're i'm starting to backpedal or i feel like i'm being attacked so like yeah you're hedging it's like it's self-defeating but yeah no that is bad because like it doesn't mean anything it's

it's not really even a hashtag yeah it's kind of like it's a bad idea for like anything i don't know some kind of campaign anything yeah yeah definitely even for movember this is all it doesn't make sense well movember movember it does it does that's true because then they could use it over the summer as like uh that's kind of interesting like they would be like i mustache you a summer and then it's like we get like who's the most famous person now i feel like i'm excited because we're talking about it like it's a real thing but who do you think is the most famous person with a mustache tom selleck or mario or some shit if we have him as like the face of this campaign and it's like introducing we do like this shut up for a

second we do this like masked singer style reveal where like this guy is like coming soon so like banner ads i'm talking billboard placements tease the whole thing out right so you spend most of what day is it it's march 22nd tomorrow happy birthday birthday to my brother. But like first day of spring, boom, we hit him with like huge, sweeping, cryptic, time square placements of like, he is coming. He is here. The end is coming. Whatever like that. And then on Cinco de Mayo, we unveil this Tom Selleck, not Tom Selleck, but like someone like that with the hashtag, I dash you this summer or it can even be mark summers and then the whole season the whole reason for this thing sorry wait it could be mark summers

who doesn't have a must you would grow in for the now you're pivoting to the the pun being summer like so what would that be mark summers with no mustache the host of double dare says i mustache you a summer right no yeah yeah and isn't not not to be labor far away from it but this is this is all you're pitching like a times square billboard campaign you're pitching like a huge deal fucking deal and it sounded like this is just an extern ship where you come up with hashtags yeah so i feel like you're getting this is all kind of grandiose for what your role for coca-cola would even yeah which would basically ostensibly be an administrative brand ambassadors by the way mark summers tom selleck and mario

your three ideas so i don't think they'd want you to right because they're all kind of like a little older maybe canceled at this point personality yeah yeah not super relatable to like gen z so many people probably don't even know who mark summers right i wonder if we can almost do like this like this TikTok thing where we're using like a younger celebrity. But that's now we're getting away from the heart, the crux of this campaign, this application. Which was bad. Which is bad. Exactly. Which is bad.

Yeah. I mean, doing something for TikTok sounds like it's it's closer. Oh, really? To. Interesting. Yeah. Like a TikTok, some kind for TikTok sounds like it's closer. Oh, really? Interesting. Yeah, like a TikTok, some kind of TikTok campaign would be more. Do you mind if we beat that out for a second? You know what? I feel like at this point, we're like 15 minutes into the show.

All we've been talking about are like your farts and your internships or externships. Externship, yeah, because i would do it from home i tested positive so they don't want me near the uh world of coke they don't want me traveling first of all and they don't want me they don't want me there right they don't want you so so i'm sorry because you said they don't want you traveling they don't want you there and they don't want you there, and you're doing it from home. Does that mean you did get the job? Do you have the externship? I applied for an internship, and they asked to see my negative result. What I sent was the positive result, and they said that they didn't want me near the facility. I asked them if I

pitched a legit A-plus winning campaign, could I turn it into an externship? They haven't replied. Now we're caught up. Okay. Do you want to beat out your TikTok thing? Well, I feel like it was your idea, unless you'll give it to me or gift it to me,

or if I have to pay for it i will so far the idea is just that coca-cola is more likely to do a tiktok thing than a mustache campaign with mark summers tom selick or mario so i don't even this isn't an idea of mine i have no ownership of the idea all i've done is steer you away from a really bad idea into kind of like a different leaping off point. So, you know, it's all yours, whatever you want to do. Okay. Let me take that and run with it after record. Okay.

And then I'll hit you with some like... You don't need to... Definitely don't hit me up after. Like, I don't want to be involved in this. You're already're already like i was thinking you're roping me in by right if i if i gave you like five like power points would you be able to give me five power would you be able to give me like little constructive feedbacks with that like having that in mind like would you be able to give me like if this is even the right direction i should be going in like right off the bat the time selling thing does not work it sounds like you know that also

but i needed to hear that yeah like when you're alone in a room i feel like i'm going crazy writing shit down trying to figure it out you just want me to like yes or no five different ideas as long as it's five different ideas and not five different PowerPoint presentations, I'm down to just be like, yes, that's cool. Perfect. All right.

They might be PowerPoints just because I feel like I have to explain what the, I can't just give you a fucking log line and have you say yes or no to that. I have to like explain it to me. When you said you actually can, because you said, when you said I must dash you a summer,

I knew right away. That wasn't the hashtag. That was only the logline. Yeah, it's obvious. But that was a no at first. Couldn't make. That turned into something. And it was still a no.

Okay. I thought it turned into a pretty good TikTok idea. Right, but that wasn't like. I see. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it didn't have anything to do with the idea. I see, I see, I see. Okay, all right.

Awesome, thank you. That was so cool. I think that's our episode, just because I want to get to work. How long has this been? About an hour-ish? 20 minutes. No, less than 20 minutes.

You know, like... Let's keep... I feel bad ending it here. Alright, let's keep going. Don't waffle on that. Yeah, we have to. This is a fire you. Try not to phone it in.

This is a fire you advice podcast. Don't rush through it. Yada, yada, yada. You've all been there before. Coming up with hashtags for Coca-Cola is such a low priority. First email. I'm interested. Can I send you one of your packages? Thank you, Walmart.

What do you think? Sounds good to me. Sounds good to you. You're reading your spam. You're reading your spam. Fine. Fine. Let's take a reading your spam fine fine let's let's take a break we'll come back

and actually answer some real questions all right i'm not gonna phone it in i'm not gonna fart during the show anymore i'm just gonna be a normal guy with a normal job who's not looking for unpaid by the way externships i already i have a job my job is to do this i should focus on that oh by the way awesome i just heard back from coke and i am yeah i i'm doing an externship how i soft pitch them this like when baked idea and they kind of the tiktok one i i emailed i just chatted uh something to like the coca-cola facebook um it was the tiktok yeah it was like the that was that was our idea so tell them it was from us so that they could hire both of us i feel like two heads are better than one if it's an unpaid externship they only really need one person it's an unpaid

it's like a whole mustache thing it's i mustache you a summer that was my idea yeah but we're gonna do it on tiktok you wanted to you wanted to make it like a fucking i wanted to announce it as a hashtag it's bigger than a hashtag buddy it's bigger than of course it's bigger than i don't think you get mario selick and summers all together to do a fucking hashtag and you wanted to make this a small idea and that's the kind of coke... Honestly, that's Pepsi thinking, bud. That's the way Pepsi thinks.

If you want to go work for RC, yeah, you can do that if you want, okay? I work for Coke. And you're a joke. Crazy. We have video, photo, audio evidence of me pitching this idea you stealing it using it and getting hired you have an unpaid externship from it now and i have nothing to show for it save for

another two at two acts of this fucking podcast which is starting to ruin my life first the fart incident secondly this job opportunity that was come and gone give me one good reason i shouldn't fucking end things right now because you're really really gonna want to be part of my campaign i actually have a couple low-level staff positions to help with the the viral rollout of this thing selic needs an assistant and you get to you can work on set with Selick, with Summers, with the Mario animator, and you get to save your lunch receipts. So that's not bad.

Save them to be reimbursed later. Maybe. Or just save them for a fucking summer full of good memories. I must stash you a summer campaign. Signed by Mark Summers. Signed by Tom Selick. salmon for a fucking summer full of good memories on the i must dash you a summer campaign signed by mark summers signed by tom selleck signed by the guy who voices mario it's a me yeah i'll take it thank you let's uh let's thank some sponsors and uh come back answer some real gosh darn questions on the other side of this break. Right. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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to get to solicited advice. That's right. We got a vaccine question from a 26-year female let's just give her a random crazy name just like this really silly funny fiona apple style name fiona apple that's good okay fiona writes uh i'm a 26 year old female-year-old male, and we both have slightly different political views, but haven't had any major issues until recently.

I just finished my second dose of the COVID vaccine this week since I work in healthcare. I somehow never told my boyfriend about it, and he learned that I got it from a post of mine on Facebook. He instantly texted me if I actually got vaccinated and was upset

because he doesn't believe in vaccines. I had no idea that those were his views. He confronted me two days ago and hasn't really spoken to me since. He said, I'm not ignoring you. I just don't feel like talking. What the hell? I'm so confused. And I didn't realize he felt that strongly about vaccines. The worst part is that he won't even discuss anything with me. What should I do? Should I break up with him? Was I in the wrong somehow? Would love your advice. Thanks. Love, Fiona Apple.

Huh. Fiona. Fiona got vaccinated, and then her boyfriend was so upset. It's funny that it didn't come up. I feel like she was kind of afraid that he was anti-vaxxer. That's like one of the most important things to bring up, is that you get vaccinated or this almost feels you would think that would come up in small talk this guy has like energy of like not that serious of a relationship yet right like

she didn't tell him she was even getting vaccinated like the second dose that's like you know that's a shot and then a couple weeks then a shot it's like i guess i didn't tell him i was getting vaccinated like that's like i feel like that's big life yeah and then you he only finds out from a facebook post it's like this couldn't have been that serious anti yeah and it should never get that serious there's a is to you is there a difference of like i'm anti-vax in general or i'm like oh like i in vaccinations, just not the COVID one. Yeah, it seems like they're all tied together. If you're anti-vax in general, you're also anti-COVID one.

I guess there's a case to be made that the COVID one is newest, so you're most skeptical about that one. Like, how did they rush it out so quickly? I'm down with the polio one because that took four years in 1928 but this one i love the everyone loves the polio that's the goat that's the go-to the number one i feel like there's 100 percent vac the stats are like there aren't they like 50 of people or 30 of people or something crazy like that or just are like skeptical of the vaccine or don't want it like there have been a lot of people or something crazy like that are like skeptical of the vaccine or don't want it. Like there've been a lot of people in different fields like that had the opportunity

and said that they'd rather not get the vaccine. Like definitely more so than like, you know, the child anti-vaxxers, like the chemtrail people. Yeah, like those people are probably fringe psychos, but then it's like, yeah, 30% of nurses in Ohio also sent no to the vaccine. And you're like, wait a minute. They can't all be insane. Some of them just must be nice, sweet, normal nurses who are actually just happen to be against the COVID vaccine.

Yeah. So I think I guess that's the only reason why I was thinking like, if this guy like no all vaccines are bad then like definitely break up with him because that's like real bad but if he's like i'm a covid vaccine skeptic it feels like i mean i definitely disagree with him but um i don't feel like as as uh you must dump this guy immediately. Yeah, you're saying being anti-COVID vax is more excusable than being anti any other vaccine. Mumps, scarlet rubella. I really hate for anybody to interpret this as me being anti-COVID.

I want the COVID vax. I'm pro-COVID vax. Well, you have a sort of a history here of being anti-flu shot, which is nothing but a flu vaccine. Oh, come on. I got my flu shot this year. I got my flu shot this year.

I'm glad it took a global pandemic to slap some sense into you. But at least you're able to change your position on things. A lot of people are like, no, not getting the flu shot, not getting the COVID. It's kind of selfish because it's like, you know, it makes people sick. So I'll just wait till everyone else gets it and then hopefully it'll be fine right you're hoping that like you're gonna get herd immunity you don't risk anything about uh getting flu-like symptoms for a day and then you get to enjoy it more of a dick than like if you're like oh i'm not gonna vax my children

and they're gonna give other kids like fucking smallpox or whatever uh that shit is you know like that that one's worse than the uh than the covid the covid one makes you a real asshole yeah i think so i think uh do you know any anti-covid vaxxers in your life it seems like um i don't know any personally but you you do hear a lot of friends of friends or Facebook parents or, you know, people one rung of closeness to you away. Yeah, and no one in my circle that I can think of, everyone I know, including me, actively wants the vaccine and is like trying to get it at the earliest possible eligibility. Now the, the big thing that's sort of the, the newest COVID storyline in my life is whether or not you got an

application under false pretenses or waited in a standby line to get the vaccine. People who are waiting in a standby line to get the vaccine are, you know, sort of righteously explaining that to people, while people who got it quasi-legally by saying they work in healthcare, even though they don't, are The whole thing makes me uneasy because I feel like there's so much like, there's so much judgment when you don't actually know everything about somebody. Like somebody, if somebody like posts like, oh, I got my vaccine. I feel like there's a lot of like.

You better have diabetes. Yeah, I do. I secretly have diabetes. All right, good. huh well what the what the hell made you eligible oh oh oh you have like an immune disorder sorry about that um but you really have to explain that shit to me i have the right to know yeah just say congratulations mazel tov and move on your day but um there there is like this weird um not shame but embarrassment to admitting that uh you got the covid vaccine too early or something

yeah which is which kind of well i mean i guess you shouldn't get it too early but it all kind of sucks because it should it should just be like a celebration this feels like a time when we were like overcoming such an insane such insane odds to like beat uh the pandemic and you just want to be like i i want that like end of world war ii thing like the sailor uh dipping the nurse this is my square shit yeah not like a um no i actually i i called walgreens and I showed, they were going to throw it away and I had to get it. All right. Yeah. That's what the Instagram story posts definitely make that very clear or not.

And then, you know, you know how that person got the vax. Although in some states it's easier than others. Like, yeah, I was getting messages that said in Alabama that you could just like walk into a pharmacy and get it if you want yeah and i think alaska opened up to everybody connecticut is opening up to like 16 and up on april 4th so do you can you can i just fly to connecticut and get it or they're like sorry connecticut residents only is it like a mohegan sun casino discount or can anybody get it i'm i am not sure i think state by state it's different but i don't entirely know what connecticut's rules are i i'm working the bmi angle like there are some states where if you're grossly overweight you um sort of cut to the front

of the line so i was 150 a week ago and i'm 172 now if i get to 215 with my height and uh lethargy i can make a pretty strong argument that by the end of april at this stage yeah yeah but by the end of april you'll be eligible i know but i'm like now i'm just morbidly curious to see how many cheeseburgers i can eat in a week and like it's it's fun at first when you're tasting it and then you just start feeling groggy yeah you look sick you look sick i'm thick and pale it's like the two you're eating a cheeseburger right now i'm trying to pack it in you're drinking a liquid cheeseburger i'm having a chili slushy a chili smoothie of sorts so so this person they're asking if what like how they should deal with their boyfriend who's mad at them for getting

the vaccine yeah i mean like if i think that's actually too far i think that the you can be an asshole and be like the a vaccine skeptic and be like i'm not gonna get it but if you're mad at your girlfriend for doing what's best for her and what's best for everybody then i think that she works in health care it's breakup material i don't think you can work in health care and then be with someone who's anti-science. Like, that doesn't seem to jive very well. They must not agree with literally anything you're doing all day. Right. So if you feel weird breaking up with somebody just about the vaccine, then just use this

as a way in to talk about literally anything else that you care about. And I feel like this dude is going to be on the wrong side. I think you're going to disagree about a lot more. If you've got common ground on everything except this vaccine, I'd find that to be very odd. Yeah, the vaccine is the canary in the coal mine, the first red flag, the indication that you guys are probably not built to last long term anyway.

So yeah, you break up with him before he breaks up with you. You can't fire me. I quit style. Love it. All right, let yeah, you break up with him before he breaks up with you. You can't fire me. I quit style. Love it. All right, let's take another break and answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend

somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial.

Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. With Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, any genre you love, you can be inspired to imagine new worlds, new possibilities, new ways of thinking. And Audible makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as a part of your everyday routine without needing to set aside extra time. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with remarkably bright creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination.

Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back. Let's see here. We got a question about interior design. So this is sort of a side hobby of yours that you're slowly picking up over the quarantine, right?

Yeah, majorly. All right. this is a question from a dude a dude in canada uh we'll call him oh uh who's yeah canadian man connor mcdavid a canadian um i uh tan france i think i tan fr no, he's British, but he's the, oh, he's the fashion designer. Bobby. Bobby's the, let's call him Bobby. Bobby's the queer eye for this Drake, or wait, it's just queer eye now.

Because it's for everybody. Okay, I'm glad we got there. Bobby writes, my girlfriend is a smoke show and painted a portrait of me that is amazing. My question is, how blatantly can I display this masterpiece

without being more of a narcissist that i already am for calling it a masterpiece can i get it framed is the living room a no-no here's the rub the painting is hotter than me girlfriend certainly threw this dog a bone with the cheekbones you can sort of tell it's me but with a timberlake twist we'll put we'll potential visitors post-covid of course see that the discrepancy is there and think it's strange should i lie about it uh should i lie about when it was painted and say i used to be that hot thanks for any advice love bobby okay um let's see i guess i mean if you had a funny painting of yourself could you put it up?

What room would you put it up in? Yeah, I just don't think it's a living room. It's it can't be living room. That's, that's a main room of the house. A self portrait rings. You know, not everybody has like a, like a home office or a study or something but i think kind of like a casual a casual vibe room not bedroom though that's weird and not front hall yeah it can't be the first thing a guest room is kind of if you have that a guest room has if you got an extra bedroom that painter that portrait that painting of yourself goes up there kind of jokingly. Yeah, I think any extra room in your house, if you have a rec room in the basement, a room where you would play video games or watch sports, though that certainly sounds like the living room in a lot of places. I don't know what, this guy should have given us the layout of his house.

I wish, and I wish I could actually see the painting. That'd be really helpful. Yeah. It's an eight bedroom chalet in Northern New Hampshire, actually. So maybe the guest study or the reading quarter. It's very it can go into the master hallway um or right above the fainting couch in the the man cave yeah this is real man cave material that's cool how about you quite imagine like do you i wonder if he lives with a girlfriend oh because it's almost like... No, I think you would specify, right?

He should be like, this is awesome. Can you hang it in your house? But it's even weirder in her house. What if you turn it into this sort of cool street art gritty reboot? Like you spray paint a stencil of a gorilla over your face. So it's like, wow, that's's cool like i turned your work of art and now it's like i'm the banksy for that you ruin piece of yeah you ruin a present you ruin a gift that's what you want to do well don't think of it as ruining think of it as value added actually i'm i'm not even supposed to banksy ruins walls banksy will just fucking take like a really nice brick wall and destroy it with with graffiti

he's a yeah like i want to buy i want to buy that wall and then now it's like now i have to fucking worry about this stenciled uh little girl holding a red balloon or some shit it's tacky is what it's it really is tacky and you know what i'm all in on nfts so i don't even consider real art art like unless i can own it digitally entirely and like send it to you email you the original right i don't consider that art like i'm not you still call it real right you said i don't consider real art art i only consider what my fucking blockchain uh layups that's actually a good point we call it vr but there's nothing virtual about it it's r it really is r and the shit you do like the whatever you do the paintings the portraits the little i made a

little fucking photograph and i won a fucking award here's a statue that's not anything to me okay no one's going to a museum anymore like i'm trying to like really crying again oh god how much cash did you spend on an nft this week i bought a lebron dunk oh no for 270 000 cereal 12 come on it was a hollow cosmic and i live in a fucking studio i had to sell everything i own to have it say my name next to serial 12 of a dunk. Oh, and guess what? The market collapsed. I'm holding nothing. It's all a fucking Ponzi scheme.

Yeah. Yes. It's a hot potato. And I was left with the bill. Everybody was fucking passing it around hot potato style. And then musical chair, music goes off, lights go on. And guess what? You're done.

Oh, Blumenfeld's holding a bill for a fucking $270,000 gift. That's not something that I can afford to have. Yeah, and all of a sudden Blumenfeld needs an externship. He needs a part-time job with Coca-Cola. Just so I can fucking keep the lights on. Make ends meet. Yeah, I see. Meanwhile, it's completely, it's a free yeah it's free so i'm not actually getting paid for any of it right nor do i can i sell this thing for pennies on the dollar somebody offered me 210 dollars for it fuck off with that

i made a quarter million yesterday have you ever been on crypto slam.io no have you ever been on crypto slam.io answer me no i already said no man there was a crypto punk of a beanie and a mustache sold for 360 000 an hour ago and what have you done since dinner? Jesus Christ. I mean, I recorded this podcast, which I'll admit has been a waste of time. Right. That's what I'm saying. Actually, there's a soccer one, soccer NFT environment that you can sort of get into.

Wow. Since you're getting into the EPL, you can sort of dip your toes into the NFT slash soccer market. Wow, it's a Hotspur jersey. Yeah, that's right. So in case you start seeing it, it's called Sorare, S-O-R-A-R-E. You get to build your soccer team by buying and selling these cards. Very interesting. Yeah, if you start seeing that just uh know that you heard it here i'll avoid it yeah i'll definitely i i'm into i'm into soccer enough i shouldn't be into

it anymore i'm what's who's that jersey of is it a specific player no this is uh i think it's blank hold on yeah had to turn around in the Zoom to confirm. But yeah. It says loser on the back. 69. It was a gag gift. Somebody gave it to you at a white elephant. You didn't realize. Jesus. Someone's trolling.

Who gave you that? Who gave you that kit? No way. Impossible! It must have been an Arsenal fan. I'll get you, you gunner! Sorry. Do you have hatred towards the rivals yet, or you're not at that level? No, I actually have extreme hatred towards the rivals.

I watched an Arsenal game today just to root against them. They played your hammers, actually. And? Thrilling, thrilling match. Ended in a 3-3 tie. I think the Hammers were up 3-0. And Arsenal came back, fought tooth and nail. Jesus.

To get the point. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. Damn it. A draw, as it were. A draw. But, you know, it's not. I think it could have been worse.

Because, I mean, well, they didn't win. Yeah, they could have lost outright. That would have been bad if they won. Right. Right, you know, it's not. I think it could have been worse. Because if, I mean, well, they didn't win. Yeah, they could have lost outright. Yeah, that would have been bad if they won. Right. Right, of course. Okay. One last question, Chantwee. Let's make it count, though.

Yeah, why not? It's a pretty big, pretty big one. Pretty important one. It's a big deal. Let's treat it with the reverence it deserves, as it were. Another lady name lady name um chelsea nice because then it's like a soccer team but also a woman's name uh uh things are getting weird in my ovaries as i've discovered a new kink that's hijacked my brain nice i've gotten deeply invested in an anime show

and dove into the online fandom of it all. There was a popular ship for two of the male characters and after starting to read some of the fanfic, I began to select shorts that were dirtier and dirtier. At this point, I will only bother with pieces label explicit and feel that I've become addicted to the raunchy gay erotica. I'm a straight-ish female and i feel somewhat confused on why i'm so deeply invested in these fictional men's orgasms but it's all i can think about all i want to do is read about them getting rimmed stretched and

fucked senseless and it's taken over my entire thought process. I just keep reading these dirty scenarios and replaying them over and over in my head. It'd be one thing if I just needed to get laid, but these fantasies are so

specific to gay sex it's not like I could even recreate them if I wanted. What's happening to me and how can I stop thinking about their fictionally

thick cocks ramming into each other until they're vibrating into simultaneous orgasms i need to train my mind to focus on something else but it seems so difficult as the fan fictions seem endless seriously i could be doing something useful with my time i could have applied to those new jobs or been reading a book please lend me your guidance xoxo chelsea damn it's tough out there that that's hard you get caught into the uh gay erotica and then you know you get more and

more explicit and the stream is endless and before you know it you can't ever stop reading you're addicted to it with a capital dick but does this mean anything is she more worried that it like will affect her sexuality or is she more worried that like like social media it's just uh starting to become a drain on her time and energy resources yeah i think it's the second one because like i don't know there's nothing wrong with being into a new kind of erotica. And I feel like you do sometimes like get, sometimes you just like find something that you didn't really know was going to turn you on. Then it does. And you're like, oh, wow, I want to like, it's like finding a new hobby.

You start investing more and more of your time and get a lot of joy and satisfaction out of it. I think the part where it gets, where it's like, where it gets like dangerous is when it becomes a compulsion, when you like can't, when it's all you can do. Like when she said that there's so much and she wants to read it all. Like if you, I don't know, you just need to find some time for that and time for the other stuff. And.

Yeah. You'll, you'll never read it all. As you know know it's an endless stream like you said right so i think you can just like you know read it until set a set a point for yourself and even if you go a little bit past the point or if you go a little bit past your timer just be like okay that was that was as much time as i'm going to give myself to do that and then i'll do something else like apply for a job and i'll read a book i remember once that i was

like i it was a it was a while ago but i was like every time i want to look at porn i'm not going to look at porn until i've written 10 pages of a script and all that happened was that i didn't look at porn for like two and a half weeks i didn't because you never read i never wrote or you never wrote yeah i never it didn't inspire me to work harder so maybe there's also something to to to like acknowledging that like the porn isn't necessarily what's stopping you from doing the other stuff i think there's enough time to do it all but there's other reasons why you don't want to do the other stuff in addition to the fact that you like porn right and do you think this is uh is she like confused as to why she's into this thing do you think there's a an explanation as to why she's so into gay sex specifically i mean they're maybe or maybe it's just like i think

there's a there's like an explanation why you just didn't know that you were into it because you didn't know that it existed you didn't you weren't into these two characters and then you see something and it unlocks that hot like uh that like hot thing in your brain where you're like oh dope i like this so i yeah i don't know i don't know if there's like a reason that you're into it it's just like there's a timing thing where you just found out about it now right so you're making up for lost time yeah and also i guess that's what sexual fantasies and excitement is all about it's about stuff that you're not getting on a regular basis or including for you will never get on a regular basis yeah i don't think you'll ever be a gay man so it makes sense that you're intrigued at the erotica that's

specifically about gay men there's and there's like so many fetishes out there like who knows which like what ones are gonna unlock a passion in you and when you find one that's cool i've never read a sexy story like my porn journey always started with photos and then videos and it's like i'm never gonna like then go all the way back to like romantic literature. Yeah. I remember when I was in like sixth grade or something, or maybe even like fifth, like my friends and I found a penthouse and there were like those like steamy letters that like the section that was just like erotic stories. And I remember reading one.

I think it was insanely hot. Like, oh my God, it's describing breasts. This is insane. Moving a picture of actual breasts to read more. But never again since then. Interesting. Maybe it's a sign of intelligent clientele. It's like, I need to like sit down,

just like reading is more intelligent than watching a movie. Reading porn is more intelligent than watching porn. Yeah. Could be more adult, more mature. So you got that going for you. Yeah. Muscle dove.

And I also think that just because you like this fetish doesn't mean that you're spending too much time on, I feel like everybody spends a lot of time looking at porn and maybe it feels like you're spending a lot of time looking at one specific thing, but like there's so much porn out there and so many people spend so much time looking at it that trust me as much as you're looking at porn it's not as very least jake is looking at more jake is looking at mourn m-o-r-n which is more porn that's right what about that for a fucking hashtag for coca-cola i don't think get drink morn m-o-r-n it's a pun anyone asks something that came up on our podcast i don't think that's well it would yeah it would be universal to the people that eventually drink morn aka more porn or more corn because there's

corn syrup in the shit i'm starting to think that probably these sodas aren't good for you yeah how about a can that says 37 grams of fun and it's like a picture of boiled soda and like the the sort of little uh inch and a half of like syrup that is left over at the end of it and then like maybe one like i've ever seen like a tooth that's left in a soda can and it just sort of rots that could be like kind of a reverse psychology style i feel like that's the kind of shit they want to get away from they want to distance themselves from yeah so like how cool would it be if they didn't i'm saying you know i'm i guess i'm blowing this externship man yeah yeah you are damn zaniel like i never felt more of an L. Yeah, no, you did.

I think that you swung for the fences and you didn't hit it on the first one. I got a triple. No, you didn't. A ground rule double, but at least I'm on base. No, it was a fielder's choice. Really? A fielder's choice, yeah. A Cecil fielder's choice.

That's right, I it out to the right field and cecil himself sort of jogged and threw me out because i tore my achilles trying to get to first there was i had no chance i injured myself instantly both my achilles snapped pop oh no and then i was gonna leg it out kirk gibson style pop acl acl baseline cecil sort of jogging himself to first realizing i had no fucking chance so that's what i did congratulations i guess i don't get the job But if you want someone who will hustle, beg, borrow, and steal in order to make himself available to you, you have mine.

Door's right here. Thank you. I'll leave then. Thank you for your time. I was going to say that if you wanted someone to hustle. We don't validate parking, by the way, but it looks like you walked here. I drove an Uber.

I took that guy here. And by the way, he stiffed me. Giving him a nut tap on my way out. He breaks my wrist. Ah! That was my one joint. My one good joint. All right.

Thank you for writing your questions. Thank you for sending them into, sending in your theme songs. You can, of course, email them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That opening theme song, again, was written by that very generous man who did the parody of My Name Is is right my name is who my name is chicky chicky something something who's that oh peter peter yeah peter wrote that one and this

closing one is written by killer kowalski subjective oh right uh it's based on a song that i started to sing a few weeks ago the subjective objective uh song that i was sort of freestyling he turned it into a song uh and he is a musician under the artist killer kowalski on soundcloud bandcamp and spotify so thank you to killer kowalski thank you to peter thank you to you guys for listening. Of course, if you want to watch more of us, we're watching our old episodes of Jake and Amir on our Patreon. That's patreon.com slash JA. We're even doing some

JNA AMAs on there. There's Lonely and Horny on there. Lots, hours and hours, days of content on our Patreon. So check that out as well. And of course, we'll be back next week. Bye everybody. Later.

All right. Give me a beat. I'll continue it. Yeah. Probably. I will. Objective. Objective.

That's your opinion. I'm not that. I don't believe you have the right women. Damn. Let's go back. Objective. Objective. That's your opinion. I'm not that ugly if you ask the right women. Damn, that's no fact. Subjective, objective, that's your opinion. I'm not that ugly if you ask the right women. Here today, on tomorrow. Here today, on tomorrow.

Here today, on tomorrow. I'm not that ugly. You have the right. You. Are. A. Talentless. You. Are.

A. Talent. Talent. You have the right. Women. Objective. Objective. That's your opinion.

I'm off. That's ugly. You have the right. Women. You have the right. So my mom says I'm a six. And I say he wasn't that. And I say he wasn't that.