Segments - 481: Moonshine Passover

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

In this episode we discuss live shows, business ideas, and terrible tattoos. Check out our show and many hilarious other pods featured on Stitchers first ever Comedy week! In app or at Stitcherapp.com/comedyAdvertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Let me know that I've done wrong I'm oblivious lifelong I go wild ginger to find tens Bang them then say let's be friends

Tell me that I am not a douche Just cause I killed my girlfriend's pooch How was I supposed to know? Don't feed it weed I'll email my dirty little secret To rat chicken on air Please don't put me on plastic But I'm the only turn-in

You think it'll work out, tell me what's it's about My dirty little secret If I were you If I were you Very nice. That is All- American Rejects, a parody of Dirty Little Secret, off the album Move Along.

Now, let's you and I move along and go right into the show without thanking the artist who wrote it. Why? What's up? What's up is that that was written by Lorne M. from Toronto. He sent us a bunch of theme songs over the years. I just found this treasure trove.

Not only does he have a dirty little secret. Yeah, we got some Newfound Glory ones, Blink-182 ones. So I'll play one at the end of the show, too. So shout out to him. He's a huge NatPod fan as well. And NatPod is the reason he plays dnd with his friends so i thought oh it would be nice i thank you for that yeah why don't we give then why don't we give this guy a nice little shout out i think that i think he deserves um you know an attaboy i know

you wanted to move right into the show but was there anything that uh that he wanted to plug there you're sorry you're not in charge i'm doing what we usually do regardless of what you say first he wanted to move on and i didn't then i gave him the shout out and now you want to harp on it so both times no there's nothing you want to plug i'm'm not listening to you. You're not in control of anything. That's the short story long. Let's just roll into the fucking podcast then. No.

Okay, can we do that? Let's not. You would think that we would agree on that one. Yeah, now I'm just sort of putting my foot down. I want to sort of hammer home the point that you don't get to decide what's what. You're trying to assert your dominance as the podcast. Exactly, exactly.

I will actually, I'm going to cut your mic. Hold on a second. What? No. There we go. All right, so in post-production, yeah, Jake is talking right now, but i've edited him to be silent this is how much power i have so like you don't get i decide here's now just to show you how godlike i am here's uh jake in a different part of the podcast now that is all american

rejects uh parody of Dirty Little Secret. There we go. So you don't tell me what to do. You don't tell me what to do. I tell you what to do. Okay. Piece of shit. Fine, sir.

Yeah. Happy Passover, by the way. I forgot. I didn't even mention that at the top. Chag Sameach, as they say. Yeah. This comes out on Monday, so Passover will have started on Saturday. Wow.

Are you going to go breadless? Can you last at least a week without yeast? I don't know if I can last a week without yeast. I usually give it a go for a few days before slipping in some fashion. Like I'll say, oh, shoot, I'll have matzo brie for breakfast and then some matzo pizza for lunch. And then it's like dinner time and it's like, oh, I can't fucking stand this anymore.

And I'll just go ham on a challah or eat some yeasty, like nutritional yeast or like. A yeasty treat. Yeah, I'll have a bagel. A treatist for the yeasties. Yeah, because i feel my blood sugar getting low and i just start freaking out a little bit so yeah so passover is really just a time where you eat matzah in addition to bread i'll have a seder pasta yeah i'll have a

seder and that'll be like good because i'll have the bitter herbs i'll have the matzah i'll have the bitter herbs. I'll have the matzah. I'll have the horoset. And you are a bitter herb, to be honest. Not really. I don't think so. Yes, you are. I'm a licker. I'm a little bit of a bitter herb. The whole entire fucking thing where you edited my voice out of the show and you screamed at me to say that you're in charge.

I think that makes you a little bit bitter. And like being in charge of a podcast. Sorry, charge, quote unquote, in charge of a podcast. Yeah, that makes you a bit bit bitter and like being in charge of a podcast sorry charge quote unquote in charge of a podcast yeah that makes you a bit of a herd so i think you're a bitter herb um yeah it's a you're also one of the fucking plagues you're a locust you are a locust no way if anything i'm blood i'm blood or frogs at worst there There's no way I'm locust. I think you're a locust and you're a boil. I really think you're famine and darkness for that.

And you're death of the firstborn. So fuck off with that. Yeah, that's the big one. Did we hit them all? Did we hit them all? Famine. Yeah. Did we say lice?

Lice? Yeah. Lice and locust were the same one? I think it's two different ones. They're not the say lice? Lice? Yeah. Lice and locusts were the same one? I think it's two different ones. They're not the same? Then there's one about beasts. God went fucking ham. Yeah, there's one about beasts.

Oh, yeah, beasts. Yeah, like animals dying or something. Or maybe animals showing up. So, like, a warthog will sort of arrive. Right. I kind of remember that from the movie. Yeah. Yeah.

Which would, in theory, be good for those olden days where they like needed to you know be shepherds and stuff to get meat but cool yeah either way yeah that's what makes you think maybe the beast maybe the plague of beasts was that they died not that they just showed up having had right yeah a cow showed up at my door and now i can eat for a month yeah because he already had dinner or something like that and then of course yeah the the big one which we all were forgetting the you know that that big plague that uh that plague that we all we all could say we all know we all have

we did 10 we did did we did we i think we did 10 yeah because i'm sort of it's coming to me a little bit i'm starting to are you googling it right now are you like looking up a list of all the plagues no um it feels like you are yeah hail like not even actually hail yeah okay right that's right that was a really unconvincing way to vamp, by the way. It snowed ice. You went monotone. And then, of course, there's the 11th plague, COVID. So we're going to do like the extra, like when you dip your little pinky in the wine and do it on the plate. I think it would be kind of cheeky to do the 11th one.

Are you going to go to a huge in-person masked off non-social distance saturn i'm an anti-vaxxer i'm an anti-vaxxer going to a super synagogue yeah that's right so it's 11 000 chabad people and me sort of flinging matzah in a maskless environment sort of joking around about the 11th it's a jewish burning man okay yeah god you just described my fucking bar mitzvah by diplo how dope is that imagine your canter is macklemore and your haftorah is thrift shop i'm gonna go to Sinai. Oh my

God. I'm gonna lance some boils. I only got one frog in my pocket. Uh-oh, here's Moses, and now here's Joshua. He's wearing a coat. So the coat, the Technicolor dream coat is the crossover

i see yeah walk up to this bible like what up i got a big cock and then the rabbi shoes me off the dais all right that's quite enough you trip over your tallest i shouldn't have got extra long paralyzed uh good stuff great job by the way that was um that was a good nice bit a nice bit of comedy don't you're still acting like you're the fucking boss what else do we got you don't get to get the accolades golden mics for both of us for that

yeah right I don't fucking think so I'm just like I'm gonna like pepper them out throughout the episode or whatever you get one I get one you can have one more you can have two why don't we just make the award not special

by giving it to both of us? It means fucking nothing. It's not a competition. It's not something you can win. Something you can earn. It's not a participation ribbon. It's not a party favor at your birthday party. I don't think so. No.

It's an accolade.'s an award it's a trophy you don't get to stand on the podium nice you've been awarded the tourney right for defamation against the golden mic for treating it like a like a fucking yeah like a trinket and it's not okay crown jewel you made your point i did make my point and actually because i made the point so powerfully i'll be taking the golden mic not because i earned it but because i need to protect it from a fiendish little ghoul like you who wants to get your grubby little paws on it and give it to everybody like it's like it's a fucking goodie bag and that's not how it works all right let's move on to the show

now it's actually at time so we are gonna do it but right yeah uh okay let's have fun let's have fun and let's keep it light let's just you know try to enjoy each other's company this is um crack some crack wise yeah and be silly okay okay this is i know you hate me i hate you and let's just i don't but that's interesting to hear about the other one yeah so it's clear that you hate me let's just get this over with but try to have a good time all right yeah um this is if I were you the only vice podcast on the web hosted by us though I guess you hate me uh i'm amir and i'm jake let's try to be silly man silly you just dropped this fucking really emotional bomb on my ass and you want me to do a fucking bullwinkle voice yeah people don't people don't fucking come they don't tune in to hear like our our drama our beef you know the

the goings on between us is fucking dire as it is sometimes i didn't even like they want to hear yeah yeah i just want to comedy and uh we got an email from uh a guy who works at a law firm come on be jovial be jovial uh we got an email from someone that works at a law firm let's call him really you're weeping Danny Dickless or something that's good that's very good

thank you it's almost golden mic worthy if you didn't trip over your dick and fumble the whole trophy to me this episode yeah trip over your dick and fumble the whole trophy to me this episode. Yeah. Danny Dickless writes, this male girl has been flirting with me and she's got a banging body. I have no supervisory authority over her. She's in a different department. So should I ask her out or is this

too close to the workplace and then i replied is this like a male woman or like a male person at your company and he said i'm an attorney at a law firm so i think it's the male person at his law firm okay okay yeah does that make it better you do better or worse than the male lady which i think it makes it maybe a i mean maybe a little worse like if if she was a male person then she'd be an employee of the federal government yeah but as it stands she's an employee of your employer but at least you aren't at least you don't have any kind of power over her job. Yeah. At first I thought he meant male lady, which is kind of cool.

I don't really think about. Yeah. For some reason, all the male people in my life have been like 60 year old. But I guess there's a world where like your male person is like 28 right like yeah i've seen some i've seen some hot male people especially in new york it's like a young person's game here is it a male person or is it like an amazon or a fedex or a ups because i've seen some ups guys with monster quads sick calves yeah and a hot shirt fucking form-fitting shorts yeah yeah definitely you see a little bit of both you see the i mean the i think the ups ups and like

fedex it feels like they've got the highest quotient of hot drivers um but no i've seen some hot like straight up federal careers as well we should do like a hooters but for male like almost like imagine a world where instead of getting a package you get something else but from a guy who's rocking a package yeah it's got like booty shorts and your dog would stop barking and it would start howling. Yeah, and it would be really expensive because we'd have to like pay for like, yeah, like an airplane, I guess. How does it work with UPS? Like if I'm sending shit to fucking Spain, we'd have to figure that out. It's almost like a courier of sorts, but the person is a nine.

There's customs to be associated yeah for sure yeah tariff codes there's a lot of taxes you have to log to be honest but i feel like as long as you have the fleet of like trucks and then you have the it's a you know i need international business like almost cargo almost the cargo shipping containers yeah imagine maersk on fucking booty shorts damn what yeah you know the huge boat that got stuck in the suez canal like that could have been us like a 200 megaton fleet and the captain is on you would have wanted to be stuck on there yeah you'd want to be stuck on that because it's a fucking party yeah like a fucking booze cruise situation so like instead of whatever we're shipping shit ultimately but a lot of it has to do with champagne models and bottles and

just fucking going ham whether it be in the philippines or like ibiza or wherever and like it's just and we can get it there early we can get it there ahead of schedule and we'll give you good tracking info okay yeah that's not an issue that seems hard to figure out though like how would i know if i'm just partying on a fucking yacht with michael eisner and i have an envelope that has to go to den. How do I get that information? I'm wasted and I'm wearing a tiny bathing suit. I need to get this letter to Denver, but everyone around me is too hot. Yeah, like you're sort of, I guess, freak dancing with two nines.

And you're in Greece. Yeah, if you're in Greece and you have a letter that needs to get to Denver, but you're too drunk and you're partying too hard, you're rolling. Reach out to the person. You're rolling. You wait to come down in the morning during like the fucking Suicide Monday. You know, you have like,

you're on your come down. You can take a picture of the inside of the package. The package, yeah. And, like, read it. Yeah, and you could, like, read it to somebody. If it's just a letter, then it's no big deal. You can just fucking read it. We could do faxes, because Kinko's, I think, faxes.

And there should be one of them on the yacht. I'm so sorry, man. I didn't really think this through. But I can fax this package, but it's, like, a gift. So, like, it doesn't really make sense. How would you fax this package but it's like a gift so like it doesn't really make sense how would you isner who's that eisner oh that's michael eisner michael eisner and then also john isner the tennis player tennis player that's cool that's right so it's jack sock yeah and he's also on the boat jack sock john isner, Michael Eisner, two models, and you and a fucking letter. Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking joking me with that? People would pay top dollar. I guess this person should not sort of flirt with somebody at the company. It might be conflict of interest he's a higher up you know he's an attorney at this law firm i'm sure he knows the law better than i do about what's yeah legal why is he asking us for legal advice it's moral advice so i think that what you so you it's it's similar to the barista situation like you don't necessarily want to put it all out there because if you get rejected you have to see this person every single day and it's uncomfortable so all you can do is

just i think you just have to like patiently continue the flirtation that you guys are both enjoying and that's kind of all you can do and see what happens yeah it's it's a long game and do let me know about the um the mail idea if you wanted to because we probably need a lawyer to figure all the stuff out in terms of like we we would need to make an llc or something before we get on the boat yeah right or at least a partnership and we would need to like i i would i really wonder what the difference in price is from like leasing a fleet or trying to just like fucking i don't even know own it somehow is that fucking banana like how much to be like how much do you think someone would pay for a letter to get from greece to denver yeah because you could maybe collect the mail first people pay for the shipping up front you take that cash and you turn around

and you buy a small fleet yeah like like how much is 12 boats look on okay i'm looking up how much a shipping container just just a container like a box no okay oh no the ship jesus christ the shipping containers are like 3 500 um container i need to word this differently container ship cost okay yeah oh fuck what no way shoot me. Don't soft sell it, because I need to know the total costs before we launch. Well, do you want a fucking geared 500 TEU container ship? Or are you looking at the gearless? Gearless. Gearless ship.

I was going to say. 12,000 TEU. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's, yeah. I mean, you're already going to want a 500 TEU ship, because it's not going to help you. You're not going to, you're not a career that's worth a i mean you're already gonna want a 500 t ship because it's not gonna help you you're not gonna you're not a courier that's worth a damn if you're only if you're only shipping 500 d and that's like so this is we're looking at i think this is new but it's still i

could probably 100 000 74 to 105 million 105 million yeah oh that's a gut punch considering we need 12 at that point we're looking to raise 1.2 billion and our plan is to just sort of get high with jack sock on a sailing boat so we don't really have a good story to sell to the venture capitalists there there's not a good why us like there's an interesting origin because we're sort of like we have the audio file of like us coming up that's true that's true okay let me let's take a break and we'll crunch some numbers and maybe we can go we could also crowdfund this i was gonna say we can kickstarter go fund me this shit if it's only one if we can go. Because we could also crowdfund this. I was going to say we could Kickstarter GoFundMe this shit. If we can get it under $1.2 billion, I feel like there's enough. Well, let me look.

Because I can look and see. These are brand new shipping containers. I have a rash. I have a rash of the excitement about coming up with this idea. So I feel like we should execute. But yeah, i have this like under my arm that looks like it's been there a long time it's the there's no way you got that it's the boils it's the boils scratching at it holy shit the plagues are coming early all right

let's take a break we'll come back on the other side of these messages quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results.

It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz. With a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Yeah. Yeah, I do. It's called fucking yoga. And it's called doing it for 10 friggin' minutes. Yeah. 10 minute yoga, that's enough? It's enough to get a tiny little benefit, I think.

I mean, I feel like for me, I've always wanted to do yoga. And there've been times in my life where I like was pretty regular about doing yoga, but always eventually like the fact that it took at least an hour. And sometimes the in-person classes were like an hour and 15 minutes. It just was like such a time commitment. And then I started doing like, just kind of like online exercise and I'll do different, you know, like cardio ones, strength ones, well, all these different classes. And one of them is yoga. And I was like, I'll give it a shot. And then I was just sorting by like 20 minutes, 20 minutes for your hips, 15 minutes for your legs. And now I just started kind of do it like

starting my morning with I'll exercise, do whatever. And then at the end, 10 minutes of yoga, it's kind of like a really nice guided stretch. That's like more active. Yeah. Yoga seems like I've, I've never done a specific yoga class but i've seen like yoga videos and it's like everything from stretching your legs to like impossible positions that i couldn't do in 120 degree heat so like yoga is a very general blanket statement yeah i think some i feel like from for what i used to think yoga was i was like oh this is like a good workout. It's a core strength.

You're holding planks. You're holding poses. You're doing headstands. And that's not why I do yoga anymore. I like other exercise for my strength building. And I want yoga to relieve tightness and give me flexibility. So I'm just doing these very, very targeted short bursts of yoga that like basically you can search yoga for anything like whatever you think is bothering you like if your neck's feeling tight

like and then you just get basically 10 minutes of neck stretches but it feels a little bit more like it's not just like sitting and doing different stretches it's a flow. And I think it's great. So what app do you use? Do you just YouTube that shit? Well, there's a free person on YouTube called Yoga With Adrian, who is the goat. She is the actual goat yoga instructor. But I'm a Peloton boy. So I'm using the Peloton app,

which anyone can try for free for seven days do you think you go back or maybe longer you think you go back to indoor exercise anytime soon or it's unnecessary unneeded even in the new world

I think my hope is that gyms cost a lot less money because I'd like to belong to a gym but go there like once or twice a week I used to go to the gym either at least four twice a week i used to go to the gym either at least four times a week kind of and i feel like that just took a lot out of me so now i would prefer to work out like do these like bike exercises or like at home strength training stuff

mixed with bike riding but then every once in a while just go to the gym and lift which i still like but i don't want to do it all the time and i feel like gyms were always so expensive that you'd want to like get your money worth your money's worth right i guess the question will be will gyms be even more money when they get back because they're desperate and hopefully people are so desperate to get back there that they could charge more it's going to be interesting to find i think that's yeah it seems like that's probably what's going to happen but i do wish i could just go to the gym i want to pay for a gym membership that's like five times a month just so i can go there use like the big heavy machines but the rest of

the time just chilling at home yeah do you miss the gym uh kind of yeah i don't miss driving to work out like 20 minutes to one just to do gym exercises but i definitely worked out harder in a gym because you know you actually do have to drive there i don't have like a bench press or like many weights at home so like i do what i can at home but i mostly don't work out as hard as i do when i was going to the gym or playing basketball like i'm not sprinting anymore so i feel like i'm gonna get very winded very soon once we start running around again. Yeah. But you play tennis, right?

Yeah. Tennis is pretty good, but it's not as continuous as basketball is. Right. Yeah, that's true. Especially because I'm like, not to bring up Jack Sock again, but I have this pretty nasty inside-out forehand, and it's just like, I rip it down the line. Oh, my God. pretty nasty inside out forehand and it's just like i rip it down the line and whether my god even just doing that motion is that you're that looks like it's really bothering your rash

i mean my god it's it's not my rash it's my fucking labrum i think i tore a lot yeah it just squirted your computer camera holy shit you're gooey. I'm fucking gooey. You know Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Yeah, I'm gooey. I'm seeping more than anything. All right, yoga, 10 minutes. Get into it. Here's a question about a tattoo from a lady.

So why don't we call her Audrey Tatrey tattoo the actress from amelie whose last name was tattoo i think cool uh here's my problem i promised my mother that the next time i get a tattoo i'd show it to her so i recently showed her some new art that i was planning on getting and she called it quote big and ugly and ugly. What I didn't tell her was that later that day, I had an appointment to get it, which I then secretly went to do. Then, the day after I got it, she came to me with a deal. If I waited six months and I still wanted it, she would pay for it herself. So here's my question. Should I tell my mom in a couple weeks that I decided to get it anyway, or should I hide it for six months, then get her to send me money for it and pretend to go and get it?

Love, Audrey. Ooh, interesting. Very interesting. So the mom's like, just wait six months, and you'll hopefully change your mind, and I'm willing to bet on that, because if I lose, then you'll get the tattoo on me. Yeah. So interesting.

Okay. I guess I think I have the answer. So I think you should pontificate and then I'll deliver the actual answer. I think it's probably not. I mean, it's in the spirit of her bet. If you still wanted to get it in six months, then she would have paid for it

and then you would have gotten it so it's not a complete lie though it is kind of a lie to your mother because um you actually already got the tattoo so that's going to affect the rules of the wager like maybe if you didn't get the tattoo you wouldn't want it and now that you have it i wonder if you can change it up and say, in six months, if I don't want it anymore, will you pay for the removal of it? That way, it's still a six-month wager, a test, and she still has to pay, and ultimately, you might have to get it removed,

which your mom would want anyway. But yeah, I would feel a little bit too bad lying for six months. What if she sees it? Yeah, that's, all right, good. That's where i landed as well don't lie don't lie i think that well actually i think you could do a mix of both but you're not gonna like the answer i think you you lie so your mom doesn't know that you were a bad child uh you you lie so you didn't get it yet um but then wait six months and you say i still want

the tattoo but i'm going to pay for it myself so your mom feels like you're a responsible uh well rounded adult that's nice and yeah it's a happy ending because you did already pay for it you're not going to try to rob your mom and you don't want to make her feel bad like you just turned around after she said it was ugly and you got a tattoo. Come on. Come on, man. You got three tattoos and two of them removed. So it's almost like your mom should have made this wager with you. You would have gotten only one tattoo maybe.

That's true. But if my mom and dad had given me more money, then I would have way worse tattoos. There would be more of them and they'd be bigger. So you're saying they were cost prohibitive, the tattoos you wanted to get. Thank God. Yeah. So like I have three tattoos that each one costs $50.

Cause that was like the tattoo place minimum, but they're all really small, but I wanted a, like a $250 tattoo. And what were you hoping for there? What kind of piece did you want? Show me the art. I think I talked about it on this show before.

It was really fucking gross. It was like a nude fairy like hugging a lotus flower. Jesus. It must suck to have a kid who wants that because then you're like, where did I go wrong? And then it're like where did i go wrong and then it's like if they're 18 and they can get it you really like you got nothing and like i didn't

have other shit going on so they couldn't be like oh jake is this and this but he wants a tattoo but at least he's blank you know it was like i was a college dropout failing um working at a part-time job couldn't stay in school living in the, wanting tattoos of fairies on my back. I actually got a Hyundai Elantra Insignia on the inside of my ass. Yeah. Why? You drive a Mazda. Right?

It doesn't make any sense. But I guess when you're 29 you like don't know better I will say you got one removed that you have to get re-tattooed onto your person don't you there's a family tattoo one word per person and you got yours removed so then you have to re-stick it on your body is there plans to do that that's right. I was actually thinking about it yesterday. I have not found a place on my body where I have consistently wanted it for a long time. I think I want it on my quad now. Quad.

Quad. God. Yeah. Front, back, side. Front, left, quad. Mid-thigh. front left quad mid thigh i guess like right around maybe like a cup like an inch where an inch below where like a boxer brief might fall oh so you want it to come out during a little peekaboo during when you're wearing boxers but a hidden abu when you're wearing shorts. Yeah. If I'm wearing shorts, you can't see it.

And then if I like sit down on a bench in a beer garden and you see my legs, then you might see a hint of the tattoo at the base. Mid-thigh on the quad on the day. And would you have to shave that area or are you a hairless kind of thigh guy i don't have a lot of hair on my thighs but they would definitely shave before they inked it there's something there there's a little hair you know yeah i wonder if that would hurt because it's

pretty sensitive area i mean you seem pretty thin skin pretty sensitive no it's there's a lot of meat there there's a lot of beef on that yeah i guess i imagine like where i scratch where does it hurt and if it's like above my hairline on my quad that seems pretty sensitive maybe so but i think i think that like if there's a lot of like fat and muscle it's okay you don't want it like on your where there's just like skin and bone i think that seems like it hurts a lot more ow yeah you would never get a tattoo is that right god no uh all right so ultimately for this lady don't lie to your mom right yeah i don't think it's worth it to lie to the mom uh okay uh all right we need to answer more questions let's take

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Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back. Okay. Can I interest you in another question? Actually, we got a funny email before we even answer a question that sort of segues into the question all right sure let's fire away yeah this one is about

well let's just read it it's from a lady in boston who says in april of 2016 you guys had a live show in boston that's me and you do you remember that one april 2016 oh yes oh i think so yeah i sort of remember we took a train yeah it was rainy yeah if i remember correctly the amtrak i i i do remember i absolutely remember uh she said me and my friend were in college and had been huge fans of yours since middle school and we were so excited for the show we thought it was going to be a good idea to get hammered before uh and we do not remember anything about the show besides the fact that we were shouting obscenities at you guys at one point uh and then i tried to go to the bathroom but i accidentally opened the huge emergency exit balcony doors you guys never released the podcast, and we have been wondering to this day if we ruined the show,

or there were other people that were just as drunk or obnoxious as us. So we just wanted to say, we're sorry if we ruined the show, and also, we really would like you to release the podcast so you know what we missed out on. So we know what we missed out on. Sincerely, your worst fans, Gabby and Jen.

We don't have to preserve their anonymity. They're owning up to it. Right. I'm trying to remember. I don't know if I do remember that happening. Not specifically. I mean, there has been times where we're at a live show and there's people who are a little more boisterous than others.

Yeah. Like, I know that there has been times where I've been annoyed at people in the crowd who are like extra drunk and being loud. Yeah. But I think I've been more annoyed at people in the crowd who weren't laughing. So actually, if you came to a show and didn't have a good time i'm more mad at you you're talking about people even in the background like somebody's boyfriend came or like you're talking about front row arms folded i paid for a ticket and i don't like this oh yeah the front i feel like there's just been times where we like have like a muted show and i'm pissed and like i can see like a

couple people not laughing, you know? Yeah. Or like, or if I, or if we got a good laugh and I'd like look at the audience to like see, to see the teeth, you know, to see some smiles and I just see somebody's stone face and I'm like, Oh God. And then I get, I get shook a little bit, you know, they throw me off my game. Yeah. But yeah, no, I don't, I don't i don't i mean i definitely it seems like i would remember a door alarm going off in in a balcony no yeah i don't remember that level and i wouldn't

say we didn't release that show specifically because of the the drunken nature of it oh yeah i can a hundred percent promise that it was not because of you specifically. Like most, I feel like every single time we do a live show, we tell them many times in advance that we need the audio, that it's a podcast, that we record the audio, that we release it. And then half the time they're just like, oh yeah, no, it didn't work. Or they send it to us and it's like completely corrupted. Yeah.

So it's a perfect storm of good audio plus good show plus good audience to make us release a live show. Yeah. And I mean, we could release it. We, I feel like we've released shows where, cause like you to get the really good crowd reaction,

you also have to have like Mike, the audience. So that's really hard. There's like times where we like, you know, you record an audio audio and all you hear is like us screaming into the microphone and like my memory of that show is like us uh you know having a boisterous time with everybody like laughing yelling we're yelling um but then like when you listen to the mix it just sounds like we're screaming to an empty surly room and it it's like when you're doing karaoke and you're drunk, it sounds like you're having the time of your life.

But then when you review the footage the next day, it sounds like overblown, sloppy, terrible singing. Nobody should see that. It's so much better when you're there than a recording of it after the fact. Yeah. And I think that's the best version of the live show is the ones that never see the light of the day. You know,

like that's, that's just a moment for us in the audience. It'll never be released. It'll never be recreated. It's just us just now. Also, I'm realizing that sometimes when we do like five shows in a row, we repeat questions.

So sometimes it's not even on, on the venue or the audience and it's on us. That's right. Like if we have, if we have like a really good question, we try to do it for like a couple of different shows. We answer it differently every single time, but that'll,

that'll happen. So I could imagine that like Boston being the end of that run, which I think was Atlanta, DC, New York, Atlanta, DC, Philly, New York, Boston. By that, by Boston, we might've like been repeating enough questions that we weren't going to release that as well as like the New York show or something.

When is live comedy coming back? And and like when would we come back are we like in the first wave of like first live shows like hey everybody come in 500 people jam-packed into this bar are we like let's see how it goes for this stand-up comedian first i feel like we'd be in the early stage because we do venues that are in that like small sweet spot, like 200 to 500 people. That seems like the first shows that are coming back. Yeah. As long as the scientists are cool with it, then I would do that. I mean, we did get sick every live tour whether it be from traveling or shaking thousands of strangers hands and now that we realize we're super like locked

into how diseases get transferred it makes sense that we always literally 100 sick always great yeah because we would do yeah we do meet like hundreds of people hugging everyone taking photos with everybody yeah coughing and breathing into each other's mouths hundreds of people hugging everyone taking photos with everybody yeah coughing and breathing into each other's mouths thousands of people yeah yeah just like bringing me shots of whiskey during the winter so everybody was trying to get us sick and it worked so there's no fear of like because if you're vaccinated as sick as i was on the road like yeah i still have good memories i want to go back i would absolutely go back and like as long as we're vaxxed up and the the the success rate of not dying from covid after getting a vaccine is 100 we can we're fine getting the flu we're fine getting it you think yeah absolutely

and i guess i yeah i would be i wouldn't want to be the first show back i don't want there to be a jna outbreak you know that's oh yeah like oh shit we didn't really like factor in the fact that there'd be 500 people in a bar on june 1st that changes everything so we do that late september show i see or that labor day or that memorial day which one's the end of the summer labor that's labor yeah yeah that labor day weekend shit yeah back to school style so you go shopping for notebooks and pens and then you hit up the fucking the if i were you live what's the first city that we go back to oh the goat the goat route you mean yeah yeah because we did we start we usually did three to five dates in a row, and it's like, it starts east and it goes

west, or it starts south and it goes north. You do a swing. Yeah. You do, like, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle. Yeah. Northeast. Or, yeah, northwest. Right.

Or we do the. We do Chicago and nothing else. Yeah. Chicago, Milwaukee, and Winnipeg. That's right. Or we'll do Israel, Bahrain, and Kuwait. Oh, my God. International.

I mean, I would... God damn, how good would it be to do a show in Tel Aviv? I don't even care if fucking no one comes. I don't care if the airport's closed and we have to quarantine for three weeks beforehand. It's worth it. You'd want to smoke a hookah in Jaffa. It's worth it for the 21 days in a government-sanctioned motel

without any daylight just to get that fucking hummus from Old City. Goddamn fat hummus. Yeah, I mean, international shows are, it seems like that's a ways away. Some countries are still closed. Some countries are still going strong, getting their fourth surge. We have to focus, not even on Canada, it seems like. That's a scary, like a dangerous way.

But I mean, that's fine. Because we haven't done a show in America in over a year. Yeah, no. We don't need to be adventurous just yet. We can do i mean our best shows are what atlanta chicago new york la san francisco portland seattle big shows big cities yeah austin goddamn austin wow all right we'll pick and choose okay here's a quick question about alcohol since we're talking about live shows anyway right yeah uh i've been casually

seeing this guy from tinder for about two months now writes this lady um and we've been doing outdoor activities recently we decided to have a dinner date at my place while my roommate was away at her parents house for the weekend it was going really well until suddenly he gifted me a bottle of moonshine, which he supposedly makes himself. I was disgusted beyond belief, considering I rarely drink, and I made it clear that it is illegal and very dangerous. He got offended that I didn't want to try the moonshine and went on about how much work it takes to produce and how it's a craft he's very proud of he's never mentioned this passion of his until now and i'm confused as to why he thought i would drink this when he's only ever seen me drink wine am i shitty for not wanting this homemade poison or should i just end things with this guy uh lots of love thanks who fake name um female alcohol bartender um joe joe this is my old favorite bartender from new york

uh yeah so have you ever done tried had moonshine yeah i've definitely had moonshine i think there's like i think there's different levels of it yeah that's what i was thinking like i feel like i've had like league i've like bought moonshine like legal moonshine yeah maybe it's different to have it than it is to make it yeah like did he make toilet wine or did he just like put gin and vodka in a bottle and let it ferment with a fig inside so like did he make it in a gross scary legal way or did he just make jungle juice i think i mean it's fine to not want to try it but i think there's a difference between like making moonshine and making meth i think she's really turned off like a yeah this i think this is like a craft thing like brewing your own beer or something and it sounds like that's the way he thinks of it at least yeah when he says he crafted it yeah but i mean it's 100 fine to not want it and it's 100 fine to uh not respect

him for making it but i it does at least sound like he thinks of it as a hobby and not like um he's like bootlegging. Yeah, prohibition style. Snake oil salesman going town to town on a paddy wagon. Yeah. So hopefully he's not a crazy person where if you say thanks but no thanks, he gets upset. This is a good early indicator, a red flag, if you will, to see how mad he gets when you say, oh, I'm okay, thank you.

You know, Jill actually just made uh something called vin d'orange oh interesting which was like toothpaste wine high c and vodka it's like a bunch of oranges i think wine and vodka like some sort of uh sangria or something yeah and she like mixed it all together oh with like sugar and it like and she put it in a tub she put it in a shoe in a closet for 40 days she did this over a month and a half 40 days jesus 40 days okay so she emerges with the jar and then you say and then she bought she bottles. She bought little bottles, and we had a funnel, and we poured them in. And then this is also... Jill, I've never seen her do anything like this before. She must have seen like a...

She bought a corker. A what? She bought a corker. I corked the bottles. And we made four little bottles of Veen de Orange. And I don't know if that's legal or if i should do a citizen's arrest did you sell it or did you give it away she i didn't but she offered it to me and i think i could i might yeah i might do a citizen's arrest for that no you don't have to arrest your wife for

making you a gift that's insane it's a totally she didn't make it for me is the problem what would she make it for her new boyfriend okay so you're just you're sort of taking out other demons wait did you try this drink and was it good i did try it was pretty good i think it was it's it's very bitter i couldn't i think i think that we need to take what she made and use it to make some, to basically mix another cocktail. I don't think it's like out of the bottle, ready to drink. I think it's too, I think it's got a big kick and I think it's pretty bitter.

It's like a vermouth at this point. You're supposed to sort of use it in an old fashion. It doesn't feel like an aperitif. It feels like a garnish or something. And then, oh, another funny thing about trying to avoid diseases on the road uh did you drink whiskey out of somebody else's shoe in australia or was it your own shoe i did a shoey and i drank whiskey out of my i drank whiskey out of my shoe still insanely fucking gross like that's a shoe you walk around strange cities in

all day and then you pour alcohol in it and drink from it i believe it's it's on my it's definitely it's on my instagram you should have gotten tuberculosis from that at the very least you should have gotten some sort of venereal disease from drinking they deserved it out of a shoe. Yeah, I did a shoeie. I did a shoeie. I was pressured into doing a shoeie in Australia, but you did it too. I did a shoeie. Yeah, I believe you drank whiskey out of my shoe.

No, what I did, I didn't want to go whole hog, so I took a glove, somebody's driving glove, and I just had some fruit punch out of it. I'm like like this is the farthest i'll go but i really don't feel comfortable with the shoe and the whiskey i really think you drank whiskey out of my shoe yeah i mean at certain point we were we were the blackout annoying ones at our own live show when when it was in australia that's right i bet bet Shoei consumption has been really down since COVID, right? I bet not a lot of Shoeis going on.

If you took a line graph of the Shoeis. Yeah, because there haven't been a lot of live events. Yeah. I remember being in Australia and learning about the Shoei, because we had five shows. And it was like, at the first show, the guys that were bringing us all around Australia told us, we had our first show in like the guys that were bringing us all around Australia told us, we had our first show in like Adelaide.

And that was where we like learned about the shooey. Right. Like that's insane. Like, oh my God, imagine if I do a shooey. And then we had a show in Melbourne. Somebody else did one. Yeah. We started like talking. We were like telling the audience.

We're like, we heard of this like shooey thing. This is crazy. And then like the Australians were like chanting at us to do the shoey uh-huh and then we started like talking about how like wow that would probably like be great like people would like it because they clearly wanted us to do it and then by the time we got to sydney after finding out about it like four days ago thinking it was most disgusting thing i was like going on stage being like i'm gonna fucking do a shoeie i'm drinking whiskey out of my fucking boot by the time we left we were just like eating full meals out of our each other's shoes i remember you put chili in there you'd have like breakfast lunch and dinner you were eating oatmeal out of your shoes i had a flat white that i took through. I remember that. We became so desensitized to it down under.

Yeah, by the end of it, we were just... I had a pizza off a sandal. Yeah, it was just par for the course at a certain point. You had a calzone coming off of somebody else's jeans. I heal. You had a stiletto on rye. You weren't even eating food. You were eating the boot on bread.

That's right, yeah. I ate a ket instead of bread. A Ked. Very good. That's actually good and quite enough. Thank you. Really? Yes.

You're starting to show me up. And I appreciate, the audience appreciates it, but tread lightly. Or should I say Ked lightly? Nice. Nice. audience appreciates it but tread lightly or should i say ked lightly nice nice thoughts on the awards for that or we're sticking with the awards have been given the awards for this episode have been doled out they have been received they have been earned and that's quite enough. And I do get a second golden mic for the Ked. So they haven't been given out.

You're saying they're still available then. There is one bonus mic, which I actually really appreciate, for the Ked line, which I'm quite pleased, cheesed, and chuffed about. I am quite chuffed. Nice. I appreciate it. I thank you all. All right.

If you have your own theme songs or questions, send them on down to ifireashow at gmail.com. More video content every week on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. That's right, JA. And the opening theme song was lorn from toronto another great live show city he did that uh dirty little secret yeah dirty little secret parody but he sent us some other one um that i'm gonna play at the end right here i forget it's another pop punk

you'll love it you'll love it okay yeah i love it i love it already maybe feeling this my friends over you any of these ring a bell oh i mean yeah all of them yeah you love them all my friends over yeah yeah well don't get too attached i don't know specifically it's that one feeling this uh all right and we'll be back next week thanks so much for listening everybody later stay safe All right, and we'll be back next week. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. Later. Stay safe. Bye. Got caught sliding in her girl's DMs. I told her, baby, I swear that it's nothing. But she dumped me despite my protest. And now I'm all alone with a box of Kleenex. At this point, I don't get more than two bucks.

Should I kill myself inside of a Starbucks? Almost checking on me. They'll be there when your world starts crashing. They'll be there to make sure to blast upon you. On a podcast with thousands listening. Just send your email in to if I were you. Email in to if I were you. Email in to if I were you. that was a

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