Segments - 482: Easy Poetry

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

In this episode we discuss immature boys, comfortable chairs, our next project.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. On the air but just can't wait. The pressure's building and it's ready to escape He made sure to mute the zoom

But never thought to also mute the boom Thought he did the perfect crime Closed the show and he put it on line I guess Josh was plugging his work And all of a sudden the sound went berserk Amir farted and the whole world heard it on air so clear.

This fart is gonna linger forever and ever. This fart is gonna linger forever and ever. This fart is gonna linger. Turdy. Damn, that was cool. I don't think you've ever been awarded the turdy in the theme song.

That's pretty cool. He just served you with the turdy at the tail end. Yeah, but that's not official. I mean, that's just like a funny joke-ish. No, yeah, I would, I honor, I like to honor the artists. That's probably just me though, but I like to honor the artists who write the theme songs. I think that's pretty cool. And I'd like to honor their intentions by awarding you the turdy, which you were awarded, served at the end of the song, which was a first date parody. A first rate first date parody. What a take on first date.

Yeah, that was an acoustic cover of Blink-182's first date. And it was about Fartgate. Fartgate. Yeah, Fartgate, a first date, and it was about Fartgate. Fartgate. Yeah, Fartgate, a first date acoustic parody. Had it all. Yeah, it really did. Nothing to submit, says Aaron Brown from Saskatchewan, Canada. But thanks for making this pandemic a little more tolerable.

So there's that. Appreciate it. I think that might be my favorite Blink-182 song, that one right there, first date. First date? Yeah. Let's make this last forever. It's a good, like, dancing around,

sort of drunk as heck with your friend's song, something we haven't done since the pandemic started. So I'm glad it was born out of that. Right, definitely. Can't wait. Do you think where our bodies are um becoming more like depressed and slowed down because we haven't had that release in over a year and when it does happen will it feel more powerful or are we just getting it in different

ways like a slow drip when we exercise versus the dancing around drunk with a lot of people level of endorphins i don't know i like i danced around with a lot of people when uh biden won the election you know there were like some big park parties in new york city oh that's true so i felt it a little bit but it's not quite you feel like you're doing something a little a little like wrong i I guess you were. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't. There's I don't know. Yeah. I'm excited for like the carefree group hugging dancing thing because now even like you still never get the real rush because even when you do it you're a little stressed. You were a super spreader that day weren't you? You got over 7,000 people infected, traced back to your, you were doing this cough, this fake cough thing, which actually got 30 people, which eventually translated to 7,000

people. So what I had when I went to the election parties was just mild symptoms, and I thought that was going to be fine on the day. Just fever, chills, coughing, aching. I i'm reading now you have your own variant that's so cool you have it's called b182 i guess it's named after your favorites band that's awesome dude yeah let's make it last forever yeah yeah it is gonna last it's it it's uh it's not effective against any vaccine holy shit what did you do how did you do this your body is some sort of lab or something it's almost like you you did this on purpose yeah i am the super you got two different kinds that's good you're proud of it though right a little bit because like you're infamous in a way pretty cool the anti-hero yeah the walter white of the virus yeah the anti-body the anti-hero you are everything we

needed to avoid and it's all inside you and it's never going away it will last forever and ever all right this is if i were you an advice podcast that we gotta keep churning out the light is at the end of the tunnel we're getting there week by piece by piece. We still haven't missed a week in, God, it'll almost be eight years next month. Not bad. Yeah. Not bad. We started May 2013.

And so has- It's almost May 2021. It hasn't lasted longer than the web series lasted, right? The web series was 10 years or was the web series eight years also? The web series lasted right the web series was 10 years or was the web series eight years also um the web series yeah i think it was 2006 to 2014 or 2015 it's almost the same wow that's crazy it'd be cool to every eight years we stop and pivot to something a little bit different so like we did jake namir for eight or nine then the podcast for eight or nine then we can i don't know what's the next iteration from video

to audio to maybe like written word oh that's cool you and i should make a graphic comic oh yeah poems even better we won't have to be funny because we would just have poems are easier if you don't have to be like fucking funny then it's just then it's just like about fucking water trees light yeah people how do you moments yeah that's how do you write a poem it's fucking simple you i don't you do this setting you say uh okay fucking by the by the pond i sat in the in the in the grass like by the pond i sat in the grass like so you buy the pond new line i sat in the grass yeah um don't you, new line, I sat in the grass. Yeah. I'm not asking you to write a poem now.

I'm just saying it's a little hard to. It's not that hard. That's what I'm saying. It's not that hard. By the pond, I sat in the grass. And then what were you doing? Obviously. They usually come from a more organic, beautiful place. It doesn't have to.

Yours is weird. That's what I'm saying. By the pond, I sat in the grass. I had a moment of wonder. Okay um you're just trying to like this then you fucking describe shit hold on hold on then you describe shit that was there the duck on the surface the frog on the fucking is this something you need to say is this something you're urging people to get off their chest like why what's the purpose behind this poem you don't know why you're writing it the frog on the lily pad the moment a leap a leap of faith okay because the frog is leaping that's actually a leap of faith yeah

the uh the mallard takes flight and i that's a duck the duck yes i can't say the same word twice and i drawing my breath wish to do the same pretty fucking that i know you were kidding but that's like i'm getting kind of choked up thinking about that so that's like a pretty good poem actually is that bad is that bad i wonder if you can like if we could monetize that in a way where it's like being self-sustainable because you sort of farted it out but it was kind of beautiful towards the end the way the duck was there too was interesting and the duck became a mallard that's the most important part and then you find your because now i'm thinking in this moment by the plan your moment in the universe shared with the animals,

with the sun. That's cool. This one time, and that can connect with multitudes, anybody that wants to believe in beauty and chance and wonder and amazement, just to bask in the possibility, the potential. Yeah, you can monetize that yeah you can monetize that you can monetize that you can have a sub stack and you could subscribe to my fucking poetry and what about because spoken word like if you want almost like if we wanted to tour with it i'm wondering if we can do like this moth type thing because like right that was really dope the way you said it too in addition to having to write it and And it didn't even rhyme, which is usually the hardest part.

Right. If it doesn't have to rhyme and it doesn't have to be funny, then you just have to say fucking the right words and kind of like a sequence. Do you have to say it with conviction or anything? Or can you just sort of like question yourself as you talk it? Conviction is ideal, but that's not hard as long as the words are written and you have them like committed to your memory you know interesting it's just like and there's not even a beat that you have to say it on it's just like it's easier than music yeah

because you don't have to sing it's easier than music it's easier than it's completely simple it's barely hard it's what it's barely art man because i can do it because i can do it i just came up with i mean like what do you call that one that was really good what do you call that one um i i guess i would call it the mallard oh i would call it um the mallard takes flight would you say would you say the mallard takes flight i would say tadpole on a lily pad really yeah and then with no punctuation in it was would it be kind of interesting but it was a frog on the lily pad i know which is like then people because a lot of times stupid people read poems and they have to like analyze it and they're like why does that yeah so you have to like analyze it and they're like

why does that yeah so you have to leave those fucking idiots confused at the end otherwise they have nothing to talk about right you they have to have like some kind of like thread to follow some kind of like set in clue that will make them be like i think i understand the meaning behind this poem and then keep in mind there's also every single it's the same line yeah it's the same morons the words are capital exactly capital word to start a line but then like every once in a while you won't do it exactly um i was gonna say it's the same morons yeah that listen to podcasts they're just like not obviously no offense but like these right these dumbasses who don't have any smart ideas in their own head have to listen to us sort of make them laugh like as an escape for an hour a week like we don't have

to listen to podcasts because we are us right so like it's the same thing with the poems right right you we make each other laugh and we make each other cry with wonder and beauty when we say poems to each other exactly like and like i don't even listen to music now because when i need when i need to hear something i call you and you'll hum a tune right and when i need to feel something like i haven't cried in 20 years but like when you read that poem to me about the lily pad the tadpole on the lily pad i didn't read it i'm getting like legit like a little bit choked up about it actually in a way yeah wow yeah the the tadpole on the lily pad was that what it was

you came up with the title i think you needed to cry fuck man that's like have you ever read a poem that was like super short and you're like that was awesome because i already completed it yeah like yeah it's just like so bad because it happened quickly yeah exactly you didn't have to read for a long ass time like and then you could be like i'm into poetry that's like a sentence that says like rainy day laundry on a white t-shirt every day goes by and i'm feeling fine or some shit like that yeah like that's fucking beautiful that's really fucking beautiful rainy day laundry on a wet t-shirt i was thinking about what t-shirt contest and how they're kind of low-key hot and then i was thinking like that it's kind of funny to like dry your laundry like that but like if i call it something different, like superstitious day or something like that,

people would have to, these morons who are listening now would have to analyze it. We should make a book of two poems. A brochure called Two Poems. And it's a pamphlet. It's the size of a fortune cookie fortune. And it costs a thousand ether. Yeah, it's an NFTphlet it's the size of a fortune cookie fortune and it cost a thousand ether yeah it's an nft did i mention that that's a good idea and it's actually non-fungible okay that's actually really good because my hands are i don't know if i told you this my hands are

shrinking so like i feel like i'm dying so it's like important for me to try to find different like look at the size of that you see that oh no half the size it's a doll hand oh my god right that is so lazy yeah and it's small it's getting smaller and smaller and moister and moister to the point where like i feel like the end of it is going to be this that a sponge the size of a tic-tac a peach yeah a peach colored tic-tac your your sleeves look really long on you my sleeves like yeah my sleeves tighten up at the end they're sort of cuffed and they're greasy because they like end at a point by the way how did your teeth get so thin my teeth are thinning out so yeah they're starting to little needles they're starting to rotate so these are all just them sideways yeah so that's i see look at that

see now they look big and flat right 90 degrees oh my god they're rotating on me they're like that is starting to like decide they're like moving out in the middle of the night but like over the course you know i'm four foot six now no way it's weird because i feel like we haven't seen our friends in like a long time like on zoom your face aside from the teeth look aside from the teeth relatively yeah similar looks normal so it's weird to see your hands and to know your height my hands are greased and my height has smalled so like that's interesting yeah that's interesting um but i digress is sort of like the name of my autobiography. I'm actually digressing.

I feel like a fifth grader again. Yeah. Wow. Well, we should publish this. Actually, if we can get this on the printing press, then we wait till you are dead post-postumously, posthumously published. And I think I would actually be able be able yeah i'd be able to really

rake in the cash um in that regard because you're because you've passed and it's kind of like you'd be so sad that i died you wouldn't feel even comfortable doing that i feel like well i but i would make a lot of money for your estate which i think would be my estate ultimately yeah but that i think then if you i mean that's what i would be like if you don't have an estate then i would be kind of controlling your estate i'm like thankfully that's not happening anytime soon or else you'd be so depressed you wouldn't be able to do the show if you knew that i was dying i feel like you told me you're dying and i'm almost i'm almost giddy with the idea that I could get rich off your advice.

You seem geeked up. You seem geeked up. But I feel like it's this weird way that you cope. I'm a little cheesed. I'm pleased and I'm happy that with your death, I would profit. Is this you? You texted me, LOL. I can't believe it.

He's almost gone. Who did you mean to text that to? I meant to... Oh, I was texting that to Avi Tall. Is the A's in my phone? I don't have a lot of... I yeah i don't have a lot of because i don't have a lot of a's i feel like you're coping in a bizarre fashion the way you're handling the news it's almost like you're like you said that you're feeling giddy with it i'm

glad i already wrote my poem because i feel like right now i couldn't really go to a place of any kind of sadness or darkness it would be like yeah we'll think it's all just so positive and about my hand nobody wants like cheerful poetry think about my hands and my teeth i am i am look how small they are it can fit they slide right in between my teeth like that can you do that they're they're in between my teeth they're thin yeah they're so slender they're so slender it's crazy like I tell people you know the shh where you put your little index finger

and my index finger fits between my two front now slender thin teeth that is insane I have baby teeth again you do you don't just digress you regress.

Yes. Yes, I regressed. I regressed to the mean, and you're being mean to me, actually, talking about how you're going to profit off of it. Now I feel like I have the will to go on. Really? Yeah, now I'm going to sort of prove the haters wrong. You might have the will, but you don't have the power.

I don't think so. I don't think so. You're shrinking even as we're on the Zoom look at you you're shortening now like i'm far from the mic is all you're too far from the mic your voice is getting small you're fading away i'm smalled well hold on because we have some advertisers so so you need to do it. We need to do the ads, right? I wouldn't die. I don't want anything to happen to you. I'd really hate if anything happened to you before we read the advertisements.

You'd hate for anything to happen to me. That'd be a real fucking... God, that would be really... That'd be a tragedy. It would. If you died before we were able to do the ads. Don't say before. Because then it goes off into this weird fucking capitalist weird shit that you have where you're like more concerned

about money buddy i don't want you i don't want you to die exactly you don't want me to die period before we do the ads i don't before the ads was gone. I do not want you to die, period, unless we've done it. I'm saying unless we've completed the ads. Try not to say it all in one sentence, because I'm going to try to edit it to be a little nicer to you. Otherwise, people will hate on you. So don't say it all on top of each other. Can we get one where you at least take a beat before the end of your sentence?

Right. I just want to make sure that we record all the ads before you die. Say it the way you were saying it before with a pause in between before the ad break. Like I don't want anything. I don't want anything to happen to the ads. All right. I think I can fashion something with that. Thank you.

I mean, if you're directing me to say it the way I said it before, then you should be good. And I appreciate that, actually. And thank you for that. I do appreciate you looking out for me. And that's kind of like the few things I have going for me now.

That's the shit that makes me feel tall again. And I can honestly start to feel my teeth rotating back to their current position. And my hands getting bigger as my heart swells. You can do that at will. Oh, my God. You're closer to death than I thought. You can control your teeth like a muscle.

That's right. I can move up and down. Adjust my size like a standing desk. How dope is that? Insane. All right. Let us actually take a break. Let us actually thank some sponsors.

And then when we get back from that break, we really need to answer some questions. I mean, this is an advice show after all. Come on, people. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need to know a little bit more about you our audience the survey is quick easy and free to support segments it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at

gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's

so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free

trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back

jake do you have any mom i'm coming gross not i but i believe you have something yeah i have a pretty niche one um because it kind of is the way that i've been dealing with my busted dryer so oh yeah uh my dryer i think there's a clog in the vent for the air to leave my house because that's right the the dryer like just steams up almost and it's really hard to dry stuff fast and i think i want to get someone here to look at it but i kind of want to wait until the pandemic's over until it's safe you know to have somebody look at it so for now what i've been doing is uh drying my like my thicker garments my sweats my sweatshirts my towels and stuff i've been drying that stuff outside so like

i'll just leave it in the sun and within like 45 minutes almost faster than the dryer used to be the stuff is dry so that's like a pretty solid tip where it's like this is how we used to do it then we brought it inside my dryer's busted maybe yours is too yeah i'm not even using a clothesline i'm just draping it over like gates furniture sort of making sure that the air and the sun can pass through. And it really, it makes it fresh because it's actually sun drying it. And it's pretty fast as well. I mean, I, by the way, I really romanticize a clothesline. I would love, love to be using one. I do mostly hang dry now. i used to be a big dryer head um yeah it ruins the structural integrity of the fabric it seems yeah you're you're slowly kind of destroying your clothes over time but it's kind of worth it for the convenience of and it does remain softer

yeah yeah sun driving that's a big issue crispy yeah that's what and well what sometimes what i do is i'll just hang dry something uh or like put it on a drying rack and then i'll do like a tumble like a at the end just to finish yeah just to dry but more like yeah i think my dryer has a setting that's called like um touch up that's what i do just sort of splash it around you know so you're letting air and like natural causes do the heavy lifting and then at the end of the day you just you put it in the dryer so it has that smell you still have the feel of taking stuff out yeah i don't like a t-shirt to feel too like rigid i don't like that at all. Yeah. Wrinkles are certainly a part of it, but with sweats and with towels, I don't quite mind as much. They're pretty flat. And what would you say that somebody

that doesn't live in California does? Wow. I didn't think about that. Sun drying is not really an option for me year round. Not year round, no. And in the summer, you can also get caught in one of those random flash floods. You guys used to have that uh clothesline in nantucket did you not and it's like the summer way of drying clothes and then it's like oh yeah now they're all drenched in water now that was we mostly dried towels out on that thing right so they could get wet and re-dry that's fine right that's fine yeah, those get pretty crisp. You shake them out. But like towels are almost always made to be like beach towels anyway. It's like they can be a little damp.

That's okay. Because if they're not a little damp, then they're like dry and kind of covered in sand. That's good. You often spent the entire summer yourself a little damp. So you were like moistened from, I want to say may to august almost usually i was greased much like your little hands you would shrunk and you'd become more you'd become a moist man in the summer so it's a little harder you're right on the east coast but you know it's it's warming up everywhere so that's a tip for everywhere for the next few months that's true i

think that drying outside in the sun and the wind the wind the air moving through the clothes that really that really does something too that's key now do you now tell me will you after your your dryer is fixed will you continue this practice god no as soon as my dryer is fixed i'm saying fuck you to the sun i'm not spending any time out there any more than i need to and i am not gonna fucking clothesline my what is this like fucking third world country no i'm using my dryer i want clothesline clotheslines are cool i'm gonna get a clothesline for your yeah can you you can't do that with a like apartment right you can't just fucking hang it out of like the sixth story of an apartment building can you they're like old

like school photos and stuff and like europe like clothes lines going between buildings yeah that's cool that's kind of sick i guess you could just ask my neighbors yeah yeah can you can you actually hold this clothesline my underwear clothesline thing remember in italy in like the 70s yeah keep this one this one on my side. It's pretty skid marked as it is. I tried my best. You'd throw your dirty underwear at them. Actually, it might need one more load wash wise. Can you try this?

It's just not, I feel like this is so skid marked that it needs to be run through the dishwasher and tumble dry. Tumble dry high. Do you have any Don you can sort of squeeze through the fabric of this diarrhea stain tighty whitey that I have? I need a vaccine. It's my only pair.

And also, do you have any vaccines? I have a variant and it won't go away i have a bavarian it's a variant from bavaria and i've had a nose running situation for a year very good um all right you found some questions for us to answer what do you think is the uh second best question you found? Probably the second one. Okay. All right. This is a guy, a French man, it seems.

Oh, he's French-Canadian. Okay. So, Montreal, we'll call this man, I don't know, what's a, who's the most famous person from Montreal?

Who's a French-Canadian? Oh. Celine Dion, but, you know. Yeah, okay. Gautier. That's good. Gautier. Gautier writes,

I'm a 24-year-old single... Is he Canadian? I have no idea. Probably. Why not? I'm a 24-year-old guy living in the single life in Montreal with a sticky situation afoot due to obvious COVID-related reasons. I'm sure you're's belgian sorry just oh whatever belgium is the french canada of canada he says due to obvious covid related reasons i'm sure amir will relate i have

suffered some relationship problems with my girlfriend which led to us splitting up last october the break was amicable enough and we have quite a good living situation, although our apartment is quite small. We're both waiting for July to move out, and in the meantime, I gotta say the pandemic has gotten me quite lonely and horny. So, I drove headfirst into the dating game to get some much-needed validation and perused for potential women to date. The only problem is I don't quite think through the dating process in regards to my current living situation.

I'm a bit of an awkward guy and I'm afraid that bringing up that I live with my ex could potentially ruin my chances with the ladies. Right. I know there are only a few months to go until I move out, but I'm in too deep with a few matches and I would like to know how to proceed. Should I be upfront and explain my sitch risking to be turned down or should I just never bring it up and cross my fingers that I don't have to talk about it? Please help a brother out. Ooh, that's tough. Yeah. Is it a lie? It does feel like it's not a lie. I, it it's i'm but you i don't think you could do

anything i don't think you need to come clean and tell anyone you matched with that you live with your ex you can just have a female roommate and no questions asked but i think it's weird to invite people over with your ex there just i don't think that's on the table invite them over and play dumb if you see her like just say she's not like oh who is that are you gonna introduce you like i don't see anything honey she must be a ghost okay so it's not just playing dumb it's playing like insane you're pretending you don't see people yeah you pretend you don't see them you pretend they're an intruder it's not a lie it's not like you could just pretend that you didn't date that person holy shit oh that's my room yeah who is that that's the lie

yeah or who oh my god get out of my apartment you oh this is a robber it's a cat burglar they don't and then you hope to god that she plays along or something if she's a down over doing the lie you're over committing you know that's like that's taking it too far pretending that they're not a real person yeah or like they're a chair that became a woman that day or something insane like that that's hardly yeah i feel like yeah doing something like that just begs more questions doesn't it yeah and then eventually it like turns it into a slapstick comedy where you're gonna eventually be found out and then like you insane a lot you say like on your wedding day i have something to admit the the chair that became a woman right the chair that your dad is sitting in right now yeah she's playing along two years later this

ex is a chair doing the horror she's the chair sitting on his ex all right but you really owe me one for this i had to be a chair all the way through your fucking wedding you owe me you have to set me up with one of your friends now holy shit that chair is still talking wow um yeah i think i think you just spend time hanging out with at the at the other person person's place you know why don't we ever see your place because i like well i don't like my place is too small you don't yeah there's so many reasons you said your place was small you have a roommate like my place is small and i have a roommate is plenty of reason to not hang out there you don't have to say that they're your ex you're not lying yeah by just saying you have a roommate and your place is

small and you don't feel like hanging out there. Or what about this? This is a slight embellishment, but kind of the truth. You say, I think a chair is talking. I really do think that there's a chair in my house that's talking. No, no, not the chair. It's, you say, there's a fucking chair that's speaking my we can't hang out here that'd be perfect because then you'll never have a date again either you say it's an

old ex that's crashing with you due to unextenuating circumstances or something so it's like i feel weird having you there this chick that i dated five years ago is fucking living with me that makes it almost seem weirder to me that your ex is like crashing with you but you make it less recent and so it doesn't feel like it's uh loaded and weird and still a situation that you're having to deal with it's like my ex is staying with me because she broke up with her new boyfriend and it's just this weird situation and i still love her and she's a fucking talking chair if that matters to you,

if that makes a difference. I wouldn't feel threatened because you're beautiful and she is a talking folding chair. Is that insane? So you would hide it a little bit. I would hide it. I would hide it.

I don't think that it's, when you're like, it's just never a good look when you're like living with an ex it's or staying with an ex or still entwined with an ex it really signals that you haven't moved on and you're not ready to date yeah i also feel like um you could easily blame COVID. Like, I live with two other people. One of them has a fucking cough. Yeah. And yeah, it's just weird right now. Don't do it. And like, yeah, I mean, like, there's plenty of reasons to not hang out if you have a roommate.

Your roommate, regardless of the fact if she's your ex or not, it might not be comfortable with you, like, dating people. So that's another factor. I think at this point, your matches that you've made on these apps, that has to just be a test run. It's gotta, you jumped the gun. You started searching too early. It sounds like you can really start earnestly dating in July.

And you can chat on the apps till then. You actually sent me another email that says AIMS in it. So we can chat on the apps till then uh you actually sent me another email that says aims in it so we can do an easy chair transition here what is this games question yeah it's it's about a chair all right we'll call this guy freud because he spent his whole career in a chair nice i have a problem i own an ames lounger chair replica it is very it is a very convincing replica so don't shit on me here's the situation the chair is very worn and i found it on the curb on garage day like five years ago it's been in

storage ever since i'm finally getting an apartment and i think the chair would go very nicely and i decided to reupholster the chair here's the problem to reupholster the chair with leather will cost four hundred dollars in labor but $700 in material, bringing the price to $1,100 total. The upholsterer offered an alternative. I could go with fabric and save basically all the material cost. I spent a while looking at fabrics, and none of them are nearly as nice as leather, but the saving is nice i'm not rich but my income is pretty much the national average so my question is what would you do if you were me to spend on the leather or penny pinch on the fabric p.s i will attach a picture of the chair did he said would you see the chair no the the chair the attachment didn't work. Please send it. Okay. So Ames chair, what's the deal here? Do you know about this Ames chair?

It's like a famous style of chair. Yeah. It's the famous lounger. It's the Mad Men. It's the 60s chair. It's that like leather futuristic kind of. Yeah. With like a wooden back.

Yeah. And like an official Am aims cost thousands of dollars right like they're really expensive i i yeah i have no idea how much they even cost i would i don't think um the most popular when you search aims chair the most popular thing that comes up is replica right um it looks like the the new one is like six thousand dollars and you can get the you can get a knockoff or a replica for like 1500 yeah and can you tell the difference between the like is it like yeah i can you when you sit in it you know or like it's pretty much the same thing i think they look the exact same i think they feel pretty similar

and i don't i know that i've sat in a replica before and it didn't go back like this these things go back kind of like a lazy boy they like recline further and they're i don't know if every single replica doesn't go back or if it was just the one that i sat in yeah um but so maybe that's the only thing that you might miss. Yeah. And then there's that complicated question of do yourself into whichever thing you'd rather do. Like if your instinct is to really try to save money, I feel like this is kind of the, this is like the inflection moment where you're like thinking about everything. So all of the options are stressing you out.

Yeah. But if you just committed and imagined that somebody gave you a really nice fabric Ames chair, it's going to look, it's going to look great. I've seen them in like a really cool kind of like chair it's gonna look it's gonna look great i've seen them in like a really cool kind of like aged corduroy fabric that looked awesome like a gray corduroy yeah very nice so um and then if your instinct is to spend the money then i think you could be like i found the chair for free i hung on to it for five years. What's that like extra couple hundred bucks divided by five years. So it's like really over all of the time that you saved it,

you've been saving up for this moment. Yeah. You can justify it. Yeah. I've done that. Or justified like spending, um, spending more money by being like,

yeah, I mean, these shoes cost $200, but if I wear them for half a year, it's only like a dollar a day. So you can like, so being like, yeah, I mean, these shoes cost $200, but if I wear them for half a year, it's only like a dollar a day. So you can like, say like, oh, this mattress costs like $1,000. But actually, I'm going to sleep on it for 1000 nights. So yeah, it's $1 every single night. I can I can do that. Yeah, just break it down basically by a dollar per day average. And honestly, if this chair lasts you a decade, it's worth it.

You could also look at other costs that you could eliminate. At the same time as you're splurging on something that you feel a little guilty about, you could see what you could pull back on in another way. Is there anything else that's a high cost? Sometimes that feels good like oh i canceled this membership so now i i don't feel quite as bad about spending uh this thing on whatever right yeah so i guess what do you you're saying fabric and i'm saying leather and justified by how long you'll own the chair i've i guess i'm saying i think you are going to look into your heart and

do whatever you need to do and i'm just kind of giving you are going to look into your heart and do whatever you need to do. And I'm just kind of giving you different ways to look at it. That's beautiful. I think you can justify either way. All right. Let's take yet another break. We need to answer more questions. We cannot shortchange the audience.

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Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back. Hey-o. We got some more good questions, but you found your own funny email, did you not, recently? I did. I don't know why this happened, but I searched for the first time head gum appeared in my email. Like when we were talking about the head gum names. Right.

And I just thought it was really like the names that we went back and forth. The names that we almost called our company is really funny. Like head gum doesn't even appear on this list. Whoa. Until like, it looks like it's yeah. Like the, the 10th email,

the 10th email at the least. These are emails from September 4th, 2013. So that is just about two years to the day that we launched HeadGum. I believe we launched HeadGum around like August 5th of 2015. Right. Okay. These are emails between me, and marty um the first one because i remember we discussed uh naming the company at the whiskey brooklyn um so we must have like wrote some down and you emailed this

is your first email i emailed the trust fall owner i'll keep you guys posted i also emailed the owners of icebreakers.com freeppizza.com, and ropeswing.com. Keep you posted on that too. And then this is before we thought of the name HeadGum, other names we considered. And it was Free Pizza, Trustfall, and Treefort. Trustfall was the leader because that was you and I. That was our first video. That's right.

So we're like, oh, Trust fall is like a cool two words. It's, it's, it sounds kind of badass. And it's got like a tie back to us. Right. The rest of these, I guess this next one does. You, all right. Then you email some other domains I thought of that are available and are easy to say. Tight kite, bad kite, 12th sense sense two dude 65 degrees rope swinger trust faller unmaturity

fall so hard my personal favorite blue dork oh not half good is pretty good not half good as the name half good yeah it's like the name of a production company more than an actual podcast network it seems yeah and then you say vitamin r is also available for 2800 i like vitamin r and then we are then we go back and forth just kind of like talking about the names and then i think um i i email with kind of so so tire swinger least liked sunken living quilt fort tree houses and back tree housers and backyard games, backyard game. Like, okay.

I think it's backyard gang. Actually backyard game. It's, I mean, it's just about as dumb. All right. Some pretty good ones. Anything that you would consider like naming,

I don't know, or our next company or something. Yeah. or our next company or something um yeah i i guess quilt fort is kind of nice and harkens back to like towel forts and blankets of like recording so quilt fort is kind of cool yeah it's just hard to say out loud quilt for yeah right there's something fun about fort, which is like something fort. Yeah. Because it's kind of like kidsy, childish, but also structurally sound and supposed to be substantial, which I like. What about fart fort? Or fort fart, really. Fart fort.

I wouldn't be surprised if we eventually say it. Fart. Fart. say it for it fart so all right this is the this is the email where i say head gum for the first time whoa this is history one of uh i say here's a bunch i searched for i bolded the ones i'm super into including some from before i feel like let's make a move Once we get this choice out of the way, we can get into the real shit, like ordering business cards and doodling a logo. Nothing better than ordering business cards. And fucking doodling a logo.

You would order the card before you get the logo for sure. These names are Pizza Thief, returning again, Good Game Team, Sick Squad, Really Solid, Quilt Fort, thief returning again uh good game good game team six squad really solid quilt fort even after you said you didn't like it in an email above dope force tic-toe head gum dun bone backyard squad tree fort trust and fort built built fort tough wait was really solid one of them that was an available domain yeah really solid that's really solid actually that's really funny you say that because you say really solid is available that's really solid really in? Yeah. Jesus. I haven't mentally advanced one iota since 2013.

I wonder if that's still available, reallysolid.com. Yeah. Reallysolid.com is available, which is reallysolid.com. It still is available right now? Oh, no. I'm just repeating your email. I got it. Yeah.

Yeah, it's taken. It's funny because there's another podcast company called now Exactly Right, which kind of has like a similar ring to it. Yeah, similar vibe is really solid. And then did anybody like HeadGum? Oh,

I guess that's the other, that's maybe the more interesting part. Of all of those that I wrote, this email, it even has more that aren't bolded, like dope face and sick for it. So of like the 20 potential names that I said, Marty responds, head gum does something for my sales senses.

Okay. And then I, and then I responded, I still think, I still think trust Fall is perfect. Forget about head gum. Couldn't get into it. We really need to focus on fart fort as much as possible, people.

And then you respond, I really like head gum. My brother's wife said it's quirky and sounds like empty calories for your brain to chew on, which is great. But my brother says it sounds like getting gum stuck your brain to chew on which is great but my brother says it sounds like getting gum stuck in your hair which is bad interesting all right i'm glad we listened to her and to think interesting we could have had a really solid name like backyard game it's funny because like after after pitching head gum i no one tried harder than me to to call the company uh it looks like now i go off trying to call it towel fort please for the love of god i regret ever suggesting head gum

you're like towel fort is hard to say three times fast. And I write back, when would you ever have to do that? What do you think of Tal Fort right now? Seven years later. I'm glad we didn't call it Tal. I can't imagine. Yeah. I mean, Tal Fort is funny because it's like something that exists. So it's kind of lame to call your company something like that.

It's just like, oh, that's the thing that I kind of like. I guess we built one. HeadGum is cool to me because there's no meaning for it outside of our company. So that's nice. Yeah. It doesn't harken back to anything because it doesn't mean anything before the actual podcast network. All right. One last question. Yeah, let's do it.

This is from a sophomore in college. Oh, no, wait yeah let's do it this is from a sophomore in college oh no wait let's do it a senior in college so we'll call her senora writes this is less of a pickle and more of a general question for you two mature experienced men my boyfriend is 26 and still plays video games with his friends quite often just about every day if he has time to. And the friends he plays with aren't exactly my cup of tea. They're extremely immature, and the things that they joke about while killing Nazi zombies in Call of Duty are the antithesis of my sense of humor.

They sound like 14-year-old pervs instead of 26-year-old adults. Jokes about putting dildos in their car seats, and every time they break, they get little surprise it's pretty good my boyfriend giggles at this shit like he's a little school boy and i find it extremely unattractive so i guess my question is this do guys or people in general ever outgrow playing video games my boyfriend is so mature in so many other ways and these things these friends bring out the worst in uh this 14 year old version of himself i don't want to tell him to stop entirely, but I'm hoping and praying he matures to the point

where he no longer has the desire to play these childish, violent video games. Do you find the act of playing video games to be dumb, or am I just a controlling bench? Thanks, love. Senora. Ooh, good question. Okay. What's your take on video games uh i do play more i do i play like i play kind of like silly games like mario kart and vr mini golf with friends i

never got into the crazy call of duty style like in college everyone was like really into like i forget what it's called modern warfare or something like that, where like you would set up like a LAN. It was called Halo, right? Yeah, like basically shooting each other games I never got into. But I do know people who are still into them a lot and they're not necessarily less mature than,

I don't know, someone that watches as much basketball as me, I don't think. Yeah, I don't think. Yeah, I feel like if you listen to any group of 20-something-year-old guys hang out, or 30-something, or like, I mean, really any group of guys, you're gonna, you might hear some immature stuff. And the fact that you say your boyfriend is mature in other ways, I feel like it's great that he has an outlet where he's immature like that's it's perfectly fine i don't play video games but that definitely doesn't make

me mature i do plenty of stuff that's dumb and lame and immature i think what she hates more is the the the like voices and jokes that they make while playing video games more than the video games themselves right i guess like i don't do anything where jill has to hear me hang out with my friends well like video games can be kind of a public thing like you're playing in like the living room so you hear everything you know yeah it's like if you had to play dungeons and dragons in the living room would you be would you you commit less to the voices and silly stuff? Or would you just be comfortable enough to ignore Jill, who's sitting right next to you while you do this stuff? I think either way, it would be bad, because I either would be too shy

and not commit to the voices, making the show worse, or I would commit really hard to the voices, which would make the show better, but Jill would just be kind of like losing respect for me. Yeah. But yeah, I wonder if there's a compromise this person can make where it's like, when you play video games, can you make it so I don't see you?

Because I hate seeing and hearing that. Maybe headphones. So at the very least, she's not hearing the other side of the jokes, the conversation. Yeah, that's hard. As long as you don't like, it's like your friend, it sounds like she doesn't like the boyfriend's friend's jokes

and all the boyfriend's doing is laughing. Though it can be really annoying to just hear someone laughing with headphones on. Right. Do you just i mean like when you only hear half the jokes it's almost worse to hear just a guy go dildo dildo where it's like that was a really funny joke but you can't hear the other side i think that my my advice just in general on this one, is that, like, as long as you have a boyfriend who you're happy with his maturity level in most aspects of your life, the fact that he's immature when he plays video games with his friends, that seems perfectly fine.

Right. So, she's not a controlling bench, but also... No. I don't know. Do you, do you have a conversation? Like you can't really say, Hey, when I see you doing this immature shit, I don't like it. I don't know. It's kind of seemed, it just has the energy of something that's not like a conversation,

but more like a, like, I don't know, a one-off fight like you're being really loud nibbling right now can you stop yeah you know like it's weird to be like i don't like you hanging out with your friends or playing video games but you can definitely sometimes if you're in a bad mood or something you could be like keep it down this time yeah so so he knows he doesn't have free reign and is it a is it a phase that you outgrow like do more 26 year old play video games than 36 or like once you're a video gamer i know 36 year olds that play games like that yeah i think i don't think it necessarily stops i guess maybe when people have like families and stuff they have to play less they can't make as loud dildo jokes or something.

Yeah. But I don't think it's necessarily going anywhere. Yeah. And if he's mature in every other situation, maybe it's just like hanging out with the boys' level of immaturity. That never goes away. Right. And you can tell him to cool it from time to time.

It doesn't make you controlling to be like, cool it. Like, you think you're funnier than you are. That fine you can you can be like your friends are annoying that's fine i think that's okay or you can just ask to join the the game and then it's like you're really bad and you're like yeah i also want to sit on a dildo in my car sort of throw it back at them so they realize how stupid they're being yeah the idea that every time you stop you get a surprise like they no one should be driving like that you shouldn't be stopping so short every single time does that mean they're sitting the dildos just in their ass but not all the way in so that when they break it like pushes it in further or something what's the physics

behind that dildo idea that's a nice way to you should log on and ask and ask them to really explain the dildo hey guys i'm sort of a noob here i mostly just play mario kart and tetris but i'm curious about the dildo jokes is all i want to laugh i just need to understand the physics do you guys still play golden eye oh yeah that, yeah, that was a shoot-em-up game that I did play when I was 15. GoldenEye. Same. Then they got too fucking insane. They got too fast, too good.

I couldn't keep up. All right. Well, that's it. That's our show. Thanks for emailing those questions. Thanks for sending in those theme songs. The email address for all of those things is if i were you show at gmail.com the opening theme song was that amazing blink 182 uh song about me farting that's right uh and this this closing

theme song is this longtime listener first time baller from the uk who hopes we enjoy this cover of an oasis song some might say okay uh nothing to plug but if you could shout out my day ones and fellow jake and amir fans demi rich and nish that would be awesome i bet they're a video game shout out uh don't forget to seize the cheese and hopefully see you next live show in the uk hell yeah love from krandus aka luke so thanks krandus aka luke thank you krandus uh we're still making videos every week on our Patreon filled with us watching, reviewing, and analyzing old Jake and Amir episodes,

a walk down memory lane. A deep dive. That's right. And of course, we'll be back here as soon as possible. Probably, let's say, exactly one week from now. Yeah, see you then. All right, later, everybody. Bye. These two dudes will give you some advice If I were you, I'd kill myself in Starbucks

And Jake will get another golden mic If I were you email entities to Jews If I were you listen to if I were you Yeah We will get attorney

J.F. and his cousin had a rave Text Jake and then send nudes Sees that she's researched him once again Game Boy fights you, the question I've got a confession, Mama Kate And here he is, a chipmunk Jake listens to pop-punk every day Seize the cheese