Segments - 483: Orion Dating App

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

In this episode we discuss Jewish dudes, catchphrases, and our new dating app: ORION.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. I used to sleep at the office. I used to be there until like 11. I used to go there on the weekends. And this goes way back, way back to the city And I never felt I'd met anyone so goddamn witty

Way back we were riding And I swear I never laughed so hard So tell me, Blumenfeld, why are we fighting? And it hurts so much, it hurts me, Jake, when you give me the turn-A Like you're upset at me. And you know I'm getting older I'm already at a turn-A Sometimes they turn it too hard.

Turn it too hard. Turn it too hard. I'm really not good about going back to the city. So what did we know? Why are we still like here free? Here free. Like I used to, I mean, now you like go to work and you want to go home. You know, it's like better to be at home. I used to sleep at the office.

I used to like be there until like 11. I used to go there on the weekend. Way too moody, way too nostalgic, made me feel too much. And I'm actually a little sad for it. It was too beautiful to be a theme song that put me in a wistful mood and I can't perform.

And for that reason, I am i am out goodbye this is goodbye no no no no no we're like 21 seconds in we have to at least you are the set of song goodbye yeah that one is called way back um It was written by Matt Pope, who wanted to submit a theme song which looks at the current state of our relationship versus its golden past. Jesus. That's right. Yeah. Wow. We had it all. And now I'm melancholy thinking about how the good old days are gone.

Whoa. Is this a second verse? I think so i'm melancholy thinking about how the good old days are gone i'm going way back i'm going way back no it's cute it's funny yeah it's funny yeah me and matt are probably gonna link up later really um if he if he hears that he's like because he does a lot of beats and samples and stuff so if i just lay down some vocals then it'll be easy for him to like turn that into some sort of polished in a way yeah because he i mean he took just like us speaking words and turned it into a really beautiful song i would think that actually what you did was made the job harder because you had kind of like a croaky, cracky, weird little singing voice.

And that would be kind of like a song ruined, you know? I feel like hearing your singing voice ruins music for people, which is a lot, because music has been giving people joy for fucking forever. I just, yeah. A simple pass would have sufficed. You don't have to rail into me, or if you have any constructive criticism,

because all you said so far is that my voice ruins music. I guess, yeah, if you want to just take a piece of construction, or a piece of, oh my God, a. I guess like, yeah, if you want to just like take a piece of construction, a piece of, oh my God, a piece of constructive criticism, excuse me, from that, it would be to never sing or speak again. Does that make sense? Or speak?

I think. I'm not going to do that. Noises that come from you ruin music and society. Any sounds you make are a detriment to humanity. Is that saying too much?

What if I just gasp? If I just see something beautiful and I go, that's not bad for anything, let alone society. It's not that bad. A gasp is a pass. Like, I can ignore that.

But I think at the same time, you witnessing something beautiful and gasping is probably, like, it's tiptoeing. It's creeping towards commenting. And that's what we want to avoid. It's like, all right, what about a hiccup? No. If I have something i think you weighing in if i eat too fast and i go that's fine that's a noise but it's not ruining a song it would ruin a moment for me and if you did it during a song it would ruin a song so i think you should hiccuping

is on the table but be careful tread lightly when it comes to hiccuping burping passing wind um urinating you think if i fart yeah you already have ruined something with the fart do you remember fart gate with josh as he's fucking pitching his movie yeah as he's pitching his movie you fucking rip ass let one rip over the elevator pitch that's not fair yeah fine i'll i mean i have to like this it sets me up to have a weird record now because you so far all you've said is that you're in a sad mood and that i shouldn't make noises like those are two really important things um yeah well let's let's see if you can cheer me up how about about that, Blumenfeld? Well, that's a fun job.

This is supposed to be kind of an exciting podcast episode because we're debuting a new project. We're launching a new app. So there's that going for us. In addition to, I thought the theme song was really nice. Thank you, Matt. The theme song made me a little sad. You put me in a bad mood.

But the news, this podcast has breaking news in it. So that's kind of fun. Yeah. And that's exciting. Right. It's turning things around. And actually, I will allow you to speak to tell people about our new app. Well, yeah, that's exactly what it is. It's a new app.

It's a dating app. We turned the joke dating app from our web series lonely and horny into a real dating app and all it took was five years yeah you know that's actually not that bad i think we joked we like joked on the podcast about starting a dating app because we got so many questions that were about other dating apps and we were and we were like just giving free publicity to Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, JD, Minge. Okay, stupid. Yeah, so we were like, oh, we should make an app. Two dudes, Craig and Don, reached out and they were like, we're actually web designers.

We could help because we don't know how to design an app. And then somebody named Jeff, who I worked with on the NADPOD website, brilliant coder, actually brought the designs to life. So you and I did nothing except for have the silly idea that we should have a dating app and then people came around to us brought it to life and now it exists and now our job actually kicks in where we where we tell people about it you can download orion and you can use it and it's fun and i'm on it you're on it we got some friends on it or initially we got the subreddit on it just to like you know populate the database a little bit so the by the time we you know bring it to the podcast listeners there's already some user base on yeah there's some people on there um and and yeah you can uh you can check it out by going to orion dating uh

searching that on uh your your app store or Play, wherever you get your apps. Yeah, that's pretty cool. You can use it on an Android or iPhone device. So that's a huge hurdle right there. Multi-device-inal. I guess what differentiates it is, one, it's new, so everybody that's on it is actually on it. These are all real people who downloaded it recently,

which is nice. And then we also tried to make it as funny as possible by providing some funny icebreakers photo prompts it's more personality driven than your actual usual normal apps when you're yeah when you're choosing your photos uh you you get like a prompt like you and your worst enemy and then you can like make little jokes with the prompts and the photos. And I've already seen some people's photos and they're really fun. I always see the, uh, the prompt that's weird flex, but okay. And people, it was just one guy making a weird muscle and that was good. It's good because usually on dating apps, you're like, I don't know. i feel weird putting like a

black and white cool photo of me even though that's what i want i don't know what photo to be like the main photo so we give like silly prompts that sort of invite people to yeah put their nine favorite photos not just of themselves but maybe of their pet their best friend their favorite book movie tv show whatever yeah it's more of an overview so yeah check it out um it's still early days there are some bugs of course some people have reportedly been unable to i don't know swipe left or right you know minor issues like that yeah but overall it should be working i think part of the problem is that not enough people were using it so the app was just sort of glitching out until until we could make the podcast announcement and then once everyone everyone from listening to this downloads and starts using the app,

I'm sure it's going to work flawlessly. Yeah, that's what most bugs are usually solved by more people using them. But if you happen to find something wrong with the app, you can email that problem to ifiwer you show at gmail.com we'll make sure the smartest person we know jeff looks into it that's right we should say it's jeff an actual computer programmer not jeffrey the dumbass who's on orion but doesn't know how to do anything yeah and i believe jeff did help with um some of the the prompts and some of the ice breakers uh so all right jeff was involved and so was our friend uh rylan sylvester who is another comedian shout out shout out big ups team effort i'm on there

jake's on there uh hopefully you guys will be on there too i've actually gotten a lot of matches so far one really with this really hot girl named load if, if you can find her. Really? Yeah. Well, let me see. You can't, you can't, well, in this photo, she looks like Cindy Crawford, because this is just, this is an old photo of Cindy Crawford. Yeah, yeah. But in this one, she looks like Elizabeth Olsen, so that's pretty good. And here's one where she looks exactly clearly not mila kunis which is cool these are all photos of various celebrities you've it's our it's not even day

one and you've been had no i haven't been had i haven't had yeah i have had a life-changing moment where i've fallen in love with an elizabeth moss meets elizabeth olsen meets elizabeth elizabeth shoe in elizabethan times and i have a date with load next week and i can even prove it because i've already given her my credit card number that's what i'm worried that's what i'm worried about you don't have to give your credit card number to anybody or do you do that shit to your soulmate? Lode has my credit card number, my social security number, my bank account info, routing, and fucking... And this is to what? To prove your fucking loyalty to this obvious scammer, by the way.

So obviously a scammer. That's a weird way to talk about my fucking wife. Tell you what. If we weren't on Zoom right now, and I still even might do this. You have a wife, by the way. fucking wife tell you what if we weren't on zoom right now you and i still even might do this if we weren't on zoom if we weren't on zoom and i still might i would kick your ass right now and i actually still might kick your ass right now wow we're so far away you wouldn't be able to do anything yeah you just watch you just watch i just texted billy fucking skip fury yes so what he's not what is he gonna say

he's gonna kick my ass by the way i'm texting him right you are married like i'm not talking that's like the least of our worries right now but it's actually problematic you're talking about a different woman as being your soulmate and how you love her but you are actually i know legally binded to jill saw this photo of load where she's looking like margot robbie exactly like margot robbie because she's even posed here with leonardo dicaprio and it looks like it's a yep screen grab from yeah okay but if jill saw that photo she would be like go with god i understand because load looks fucking load actually does fucking to a t resemble margo fucking robbie

and that's pretty interesting and that's pretty neat and besides at this point she has um a good portion of my like savings from my schwab account so yep i feel like yeah you're 401k we are in a way we're combining i think like you know you combine finances when you really when you feel like you trust somebody. She hasn't kicked hers in yet, but she has mine. No, she doesn't have. We're probably going to open up some kind of offshore. It's not a she.

It really isn't a she. By the way, we can probably ask Jeff to look up the email address to see. You can have a database of who actually. I don't need your email address. We're talking on the app. I would prefer most people kept the conversations to the app. You don't want to move off. I can have a database. I don't need your email address. We're talking on the app. And I would, I'd prefer most people's kept the conversations to the app. You don't want to, I can see her email.

It's Sean XTC sucker baiter at yahoo.com. So right off the bat, it looks like he's leaving you little breadcrumbs. Your ass is about to get, your ass is going to get kicked. Your ass is going to get kicked. So I hope you're fucking happy. I'm glad you're laughing right now

because in five fucking minutes, Billy's going to be out there. I just then mowed up $300 and that was the last of my fucking money. Stop throwing money at us anymore. No, you're not. Because it's all been invested into me and Lois' future.

You're poor now. And Billy is going to kick your ass. He's going to kick your fucking ass. You're done. Go with the goad as she says uh all right well you know shout out to everybody that's helped make this happen check it out let us know what you think it's you can search orion dating on those app stores and we're on there so you could say hi to us at the very yeah oh yeah that's true so even if you're not trying to date right now you could just uh match with us and chat.

Sort of chat. Yeah, it's a chatting app with us more than anything. So we are back, of course, on a Sunday, April 11th. Shout out to my childhood best friend, Chris Silver, whose birthday it is today. Oh, damn. Sent me pictures of him drying clothes on a clothesline. So I know he listens and he appreciated that unsolicited advice from last week.

Good shit. Very good shit. But after all, this is an advice podcast. I searched far and wide for dating app related questions, sort of thematically relevant to today's topic. I'm Amir. I am Jake. Now, let's see here. This one is sort of tangentially related. It's a hinge question and it hinges on us being aware about how to use a dating app. Love it. How do you use Hinge? I did use Hinge back in my single days it was um it was tinder and hinge for me that was those were

the apps of choice maybe i even spent a little time on okcupid and hinge relied on or at least back in the day like your connect like it only showed you friends of friends i think i think hinge has changed but um that like yeah when it first started, like the thing for Hinge was like, it showed you people you had like mutual connections with, like mutual friends on Facebook. So I could like text my friend Stu and be like, hey, what's up with this girl Becky that I just matched with on Hinge? You know, sort of like, it made it feel like you were actually going to go on it was like more curated or more like a friend's setup than uh than tinder which was just like total strangers everybody in america and i feel like hinge kind of like has unseated tinder has it is that just me uh like my single friends that i know are more on Hinge than any other dating app. Yeah. I think Tinder was so big so early on that like now there's a bunch of bots and people who don't look at their account, people who don't use their account much anymore.

So it feels a little more like a diluted dating pool. I see. All right. So we'll call this guy Henry Hinge writes. Nice. I've been kicking it with this lady I met off Hinge for a little bit, and because of social distancing, there hasn't been need to use my name ever. If we're together, it's just eye contact and conversation, and I bet it's always nicknames and pet names,

but recently she mispronounced my real name in bed, and I have no idea what to do. Do I just accept that this is my name from now on, or make it real weird by telling her how it is pronounced after sleeping together multiple times? Thanks for reading, love, Henry. So let's say his name is Henry Hinge, and she calls him Henri or Hinri or Hanri. Basically, is it too late to correct her now that they've had sex? hinge and she calls him on re or Henry or Henry, right? Basically, is it too late to correct her now that they've had sex?

Um, well, of course not. I think anytime somebody is mispronouncing your, your name, your, um, you,

you should feel very comfortable to, uh, tell them how to pronounce it. I think that the thing that is weird, maybe since she's said it once and you heard her mispronounce it, but you didn't correct it in the moment, for you to tell her now, it seems a little too much like you're dwelling on it. I think what she'd do is flag for the future that she mispronounced your name. And next time she does it, because I believe she did it, she mispronounced it during sex, right? Yeah.

I think that's fine. Like that's a he does the moment thing. She might've even just taken a breath wrong and said it wrong. Though he did tell us the name and definitely it sounds like she is mispronouncing it. But I think it's weird to maybe correct someone in the heat of that moment.

But I think next time, if it comes up and know that it will, because she does not know how to pronounce your name you can quickly correct her oh it's actually yeah the other way to do it is just like try to say your name in front of her somehow uh soon because i think i've mispronounced people's names. And then like, I can sort of read a social cue. Like they've said it in some innocuous way, right? I hear it. And I'm like, oh, I've been mispronouncing that. I'll register how to pronounce it from now on.

That's actually interesting is if you, I was going to say you can correct or whatever, but you can also just like make a reservation and be like, yeah, it's for Henry. Yeah, Henry. Yep. You're pronouncing it correctly, Henry. And then she'd be like, oh my God, I've been and be like, yeah, it's for Henry. Yeah. Henry. Yep. You're pronouncing it correctly. Henry. And then she'd be like, Oh my God,

I've been calling you blah, blah, blah. And then you could be like, Oh, I don't even notice. I'm like a fucking cool, casual collected cat.

And like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Mispronouncing my name. Yeah. No. Anytime you say I'm a cool, casual collected cat. That's like definitely. Yeah yeah what you'd be like like you're sweating bullets and then she's like i can tell you didn't make

a reservation because your phone's not on you're like i know i was just trying to fucking be a cool calm and collected cat like where yeah where are we where are we gonna eat tonight i just heard you make a reservation three times i start oh fuck uh cool calm collected cat call me by my real name you know casual shit like that yeah uh so two options there we go that'll be easy easy enough and the key is to you know don't uh don't make a big deal out of it she was it's it's more of an ignorance thing. She's not trying to, like, this isn't a power move. She just actually doesn't know how to pronounce her name and was guessing.

And you never corrected her. So what was she supposed to do? Pretty interesting that, like, you moved on to pet names so fast. She doesn't know how to pronounce your real name but she calls you baby or something that's why she also mispronounces that so she says baby darline darline right oh darline actually darling because a speech impediment she has this thing where she like sort of uses the wrong vowel conjugation or pronunciation for every every like attempt so instead of jack or instead of jake it's jack and instead of amir it's a meyer

and shit like that or should i say shite like they you should not say shite like feet yeah uh all right good luck godspeed let's take a break come back and answer some more questions after these messages talk to you in a minute quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Assume the unsolicited advice is to download our new dating app. That's correct. Yeah. I app that's correct yeah i i think that's i think that's the way to go there's a lot of orion dating um not dating apps but apps in the

app store so you really have to be very specific otherwise you're downloading like something called orion financing app or like an orion like astrology app so you got to be specific i think that purple logo or Orion dating. Right. We were planning on calling it Prompt, right? That was like the earliest form, like five years ago. We were like, we're gonna call it Prompt because what we thought was unique was the photo prompts

and building out like the top nine looking profile. Everybody was on time, so it was very prompt as well. We were always, we're very punctual. And we were also calling it Icebreaker because we were like, I think that was what was happening, right? We were deciding between two apps. One that gave you a conversation starter because I was doing text Jake and I felt like I was answering so many texts that were like,

I don't know how to start a conversation or like you know we get emails like that to our to gmail also so we're like oh how do i open yeah so let's let's make like a silly little opening conversation and then we couldn't decide and we realized that they were better if we could just combine them there was nothing keeping us from doing it yeah and then there was also glance i remember like because it shows you nine photos of yourself you get a nice uh overview at a glance of what these profiles look like yeah there's not really a main there's like yeah there's the nine photos and the main is in the middle so we combined all of the ideas and here we are um yeah let's uh see if i can uh answer another question that's uh is centered around

a dating app let's hear it this one is from bumble yeah uh 21 year old canadian dude we'll call him you know um connor mcdavid who's a hockey player cool Cool Connor writes me and my girlfriend of four years Broke up a month ago and of course The first morning period Right after the first morning period I hopped on the dating apps I met a girl on Bumble and things were going fine I'm not looking for anything serious

For obvious reasons But I think I always give the wrong idea This girl is texting me back and forth at 3am every night And always responds super quick and today i realized she deleted her bumble i feel like i'm leading her on but i don't know how to stop any help would be awesome love you too thanks love connor hmm so that was always a big issue when to delete your account and did this person delete their account for me or for other reasons i feel like when we were single you used to try to figure that

out more so than i did you would like because wouldn't bumble one of the no i was before bumble it was like one of the apps would show like last active on or something right so it's like oh my god this person hasn't been on since we met she did lead it for me yeah that's so much pressure um and then i i think i was like just the opposite like i i assumed that everyone would just use the app like you still have it you're if you haven't had the conversation you can't like cheekily delete the app and be like we're official now yeah that's why our app orion deletes itself after 36 hours so nobody has any questions you're on it for a day and a half and then it goes away forever unable to be reinstalled on your phone yeah and actually we have a little uh a special

little um button that makes it look like a robin hood stock trading app if you want. Yeah, so you can use it. Right, you can use it on the subway, and it's really just line graphs, so nobody knows that you're thirstily swiping in public. So this person, their person that they're dating, they're worried that they're moving too fast. Yeah, or he's like, am I leading her on? Did she delete the app for me?

Should I say something? Did she say she deleted the app? No, he just noticed that she did. How does he know that she deleted it? You go to the profile to see her photos again, and it's like, oh, this person doesn't exist, yeah. She could also just be breaking up with you. Think about that.

That's how she's telling you? She blocked you, buddy. Yeah. Fucking vain motherfucker. think about that that's how she's telling you she blocked you buddy yeah she didn't block you yeah she cock blocked you you're done you think that she's she's too into you she's doing to me she deleted the app and she hasn't even returned my calls for a week and a half no she's still texting me a lot okay so i think i think the only thing you can do is have a conversation talk yeah you must or you can just assume people delete and reinstall these dating apps all the time as far as i understand it it's like i get fed up i delete it i reinstall i go and i come and it has nothing to do with the people that you matched with and it's talking to

at the time that's true but i think if if it's something that's on your mind you might as well bring it up because then you'll you'll have the information that you need to uh adjust your behavior moving forward yeah um so would you bring it up or would you not oh me no never i i'm afraid of competition and i um yeah no i would i i i'd be freaked out but since i'm married and haven't been on a dating app in a couple years i think what you need to do is have an adult conversation that's cool yeah or i would probably not bring it up either and just hope that she didn't do it for me. And it's like, if she did, I didn't tell her to. So it's not my fault, right? Guys.

Yeah. But there is too, there's too much of like, you know, not wanting to be a bad, like, I don't want to seem like a bad guy. Like, could she think I'm a bad guy if I didn't, if I'm, she might think I'm leading her on. Like, I don't think that, I don't think you are. But, and maybe she won't think you are either. But like, just because you won't be perceived as a bad guy doesn't mean that she won't be upset. She's going to feel sad. So, you can preempt all of this by having the conversation. Like, I don't think you've done anything wrong. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I don't think she's done anything wrong.

There's a clear miscommunication here that can be cleared up by communicating. Yeah. So if you really care, you can bring it up. But if you can ignore it, you should just ignore it. Ignoring it is going to make it worse when it bubbles up. When it comes up, it will be worse because you ignored it. I know you will ignore it and that's fine uh all right here's another question about j date whoa did you ever

join j no one's more jewish than you i tried the jewish tinder the swipe j swipe yeah but that didn't last very long either um okay well we'll call this lady um gold in my ear nice golda writes while listening to y'all's show i've heard y'all mention jade a few times i've never considered online dating but after realizing that all the guys i have crushes on are jews a friend of and i signed up as joke. A day after making my profile, a couple of really hot Jew guys flirted with me and favorited my profile. I'm serious, these Jews are a solid 75 centers. My question is, if I wanted to actually go on a date with one of these hot mitzvah boys, how can I land one? I'm not Jewish, but I'm down to convert. I know Jewish families are pretty strict on wanting their sons to be with nice Jewish girls.

Any advice would be hashtag dope as fuck. Thanks. Love Golda. I guess we shouldn't have called her Golda because we have to give this person a non-Jewish name. I see. Um, Stephanie.

Yeah. Stephanie's good. Um, don't worry guys. Y'all will forever be my favorite jews thank god yeah hmm interesting it doesn't feel like people join the i don't know are people on the jewish dating app to meet jewish guys like does a guy care like there's even an option for that there's like uh not jewish but looking for a jewish person oh interesting yeah i think as

long as you make your profile i mean you just make your profile not jewish but looking to convert and yeah you're gonna match with people that are fine with it. As long as you're front-facing about what you're doing, then no harm, no foul. Yeah, and all her, like, the way she asks, like, it's all complimentary, but it's very, like, weird to just be like, a couple of hot Jews. We're on a Jew.

We're looking to find a Jew. It just feels very like predatory even though everything she said was really nice yeah so i guess call it like i'm looking for a jewish guy instead of saying specifically i'm looking for a jew something about that makes it feel a little weird you could say looking for a hot mitzvah that's kind of cool yeah yeah that's pretty good that's cheeky that's um yeah and as far cool. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's cheeky. That's fun. Yeah. And as far as Jewish families that are pretty strict on wanting their sons to be with, quote,

nice Jewish girls, it's all over the place. I know some parents that care a lot, some parents that don't care as much. So it runs the gamut. It's not like super strict 100% of the time. It definitely seems, though it runs the gamut, crosses the spectrum, it tends to be more heavily on parents want the girl to be Jewish. Interesting. Yeah, I bet. I mean, I don't know. There's different levels of wanting

to it's like well whatever makes you happy but i hope it's a jew or like all the way down to i will disown you if not so there's yeah and then there's also different levels of being jewish because like i think when i got was like getting married to jill everybody was like oh good he's like a nice jewish boy but like i was bar mitzvahed but i am an atheist who hates religion so i'm not very like i for some for some people like that still counts like i'm jewish enough to be like good but yeah bar mitzvah we had to check that box yeah but we were planning the wedding and like i wanted so little uh religious stuff happening there so they they just want to make sure you know what a seder is when you're coming over and you're not like what are these

crackers like i don't get it no i'm definitely i after a couple years i i've definitely emerged as jewish enough for for whatever everything that we do it's fine and you did have to dye your hair a little bit browner which was kind of yeah jewish leaning and then i got i got circumcised uh at my bachelor party you remember that i didn't know you wanted to talk about that but that's really cool that you bring it up yeah for jake's bachelor party we went to a city like i want to say 50 miles east of new orleans and you just got a circumcision yeah and uh it was spent the rest of the weekend in the hospital with you, right? Yeah, it was a bris.

I had a bris in Baton Rouge. It was cool. How was the, yeah, did that infection ever clear up? I know it was pretty. It spread. Pretty nasty. Yeah, no, it didn't clear up. It spread.

Yeah. We shouldn't have gone to that weird southern doctor slash moil that you found right in rural baton rouge that was an odd choice that you yeah because they they it was it was more of like because they sold gas there and they made po'boys and then there was also if you wanted you could have your foreskin removed um kind of like in a scrap metal yard around back. I was doing the alligator feeding thing, which was like already felt dangerous. So I cannot believe you let that fucking, yeah, for lack of a better term, gas station attendant who seemingly had no idea what you wanted to do, circumcise you. Well, I needed to do it there because that was like you got a free fan boat tour

with each circumcision yeah come to think of it we should have just stayed in new york i know that's not like what is considered a traditional bachelor party but you would have had a lot better access to some pretty special care that you did deserve that day and didn't get. That's right. I feel a little bit bad about that. So I am sorry about having your, this is starting to be infected like that. It's starting to sound like your best man. Anyway, if anyone can deal with it,

it's Jill. Mazel tov. All right, let's take one more break. I think we got one more dating app themed question on the other side of these messages hell yeah thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop

design technology yes yes yes easy to create easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain

name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Friday. Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter,

which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. With Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, any genre you love, you can be inspired to imagine new worlds, new possibilities, new ways of thinking. And Audible makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as a

part of your everyday routine without needing to set aside extra time. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with remarkably bright creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back. All right, we got a question about the granddaddy of them all, Tinder. Ooh, baby, the app that started it all.

Terry Tinder, we'll call this guy. I'm on a four-year dry spell here, writes Terry. And if I thought meeting somebody I liked before COVID was difficult, Jesus, this is a whole nother level. So of course, I went to the old fallback Tinder, which I haven't had on my phone for a few years. And let me tell you, it is a ghost town. I mean, maybe it's just that I'm lame and girls aren't swiping me. And I'm sure that's true some of the time, but I honestly think it's more than that. I'm lame and girls aren't swiping me. And I'm sure that's true some of the time, but I honestly think it's more than that. I'm a decent guy who used to get solid matches and now I'll swipe generously for days and get next to nothing. I think people delete the app, but don't deactivate

the account. So it still shows up, but the profile is totally dead. Another thing I see is a lot of girls who just put their snap or insta which come on it's cheap uh it's a cheap attempt to gain followers so i don't know if it's because of the pandemic or if it's just i'm not cool anymore but yeah tinder and bumble uh are total dead ends right now so what should i do how do i go about meeting girls is it even a good idea to try to meet girls thank you love terry tinder well do we have the app for you? Yeah, it feels like we paid this guy to write an endorsement. But it is true.

We do get a lot of emails that are like, dating apps aren't working for me. I've met everybody on there or everybody on there is no longer on there or I don't want to keep downloading the same apps. So it is a good time for as the world opens up a new dating app with people who downloaded it recently because everyone on there is technically a hashtag day one. Yeah. And you know, also, you'll I feel like there's just been times when I've like seen screenshots of people like sending a match they got where they like one of their things that they have in common is like liking the jake and amir facebook page and they like rattle off like quotes to each other or something so right

you have a solid connection like at least right now most people who have downloaded the app uh like like the podcast or like jake and amir so there you go right this is round one our goal is to populate it with friends and fans first and then grow from there so as of right now you can match with anybody in america because there's not enough people to like geo target for just your city right so so and everyone you talk to all over world. They'll all appreciate the load reference. So yes, that's a good parameter for right now. And soon enough, hopefully if all goes well, it would be like putting a load reference in your hinge bio, which would be a big swing.

But, and then at the same time, you have something like that in your hinge bio, then you're really going to be sure to get messages from people who know what you're talking about. And yeah, if you like it, spread the word. We need more people on there, the more the merrier, even if you are a hashtag day one. But as for this guy, this guy who needs to know how to meet girls, let's say not even online, how do you meet girls IRL post-pandemic, almost post-pandemic, I should say. people are starting to get vaccinated the world is starting to reopen this might be a very exciting time to be single i think so i think people i think it's going to be an exciting time just to be

a human being and be alive to re-emerge in society i think it's going to be fun but especially especially if you're single if people have just been cooped up for way too long it's going to be fun but especially especially if you're single if people have just been cooped up for way too long they're gonna let loose yeah i mean it's gonna be like if you've ever like deprived yourself of something like i'm not gonna have french fry this month this month and then it's like your first fry back it's gonna be like that but everyone has sort of been starving themselves of joy for over a year yeah it's It's like, it's going to be like that except we took for granted. Yeah. My friend saw a movie in a movie theater the other day and he's like,

oh my God, it just felt so euphoric to like be back in a room full of strangers. I couldn't even like explain it. It's so crazy. Wow. Yeah. That's real. I, I took like,

um, I took a lift for the first time in a very long time yesterday. And just like the feeling of waiting for a Lyft, I was like, oh my God, I'm going out on the town. Yeah. Imagine how much money you saved not using Uber and Lyft for over a year. I keep on almost deleting the Uber app. And then I'm just like, no, I want to hold out hope

that I'll be going somewhere again someday. I also had a friend who's like, who just ate at a restaurant for the first time with his children. He's like, Jesus Christ, what the hell were we thinking? Like spending $89 every time we eat lunch? Like now I get groceries and I can feed my entire family for like $7. This is crazy. Wow. Well, you know, you pay for the experience of going out. I'm not going to give up on restaurants. I still fucking love them. Yeah. Or getting a haircut.

Do I go back to haircuts? Do I just continue to beg my girlfriend to cut my hair for me for free? Yeah. Well, I'm never cutting my hair again. What's that? I'm never cutting my hair again. Well, I mean, at a certain point, it'll get too long, right? And it'll get past your shoulders. You don't want to be like that weird guy with hair down to his ass.

Well, if it gets down to my ass, I think I would let it get down to my mid-ass. And at that stage, I could probably tie it up in a bun or something. Yeah. Ponytail over the shoulder, French braids tied up like some sort of fucking avatar or something yeah yeah for sure i have you done man bun it's definitely long enough to bun in a man right yeah i man bun i have man bund i man bun do you do it or do you have to have somebody else do it for you let's see it oh wow look at that yeah that's a high pony that's a that pat rafter okay and then how do you do you have like a little scrunchie or

what do you use rubber band wise to make sure that stays up there i can i have a little scrunchie i have a i have a scrunchie i have a scrunchie i don't think that's i don't think that's a man bun though that looked like a high ponytail it was like two it came off the back a little bit okay a man bun is like perfectly on top of your head i'll go get i'll go get my fucking scrunchie and i'll show you the man bun okay oh fine one second can't believe i'm doing good this is good because i'm recording the video so i just hear a gunshot in the oh my fucking god no no all right never mind he's just i guess he's looking to get like uh i wonder if it's like a thick rubber band situation or it's a full-on 80s chic, bright pink, flowery, scrunchy with a bow. Or you can even go like full on rubber band or something like that.

Not even like the hair specific one, but they made the hair specific ones for a reason. You know, it's the rubber band tends to pull and tug and it kind of hurts. Right. All right, you're back. Wait, I need to see it. What's the hair tie? What's the, do you borrow that from a lady or no i bought this on i bought it on amazon

what is it called just a hair tie or something yeah hair hair tie for men okay i don't know why they specify that this hair tie was for men but it made me feel better about buying it that's probably why right yeah that's pretty good that's that's up there that's a top it's yeah that's a top and then what do you do with the but it's not yeah what do you do with the little mullet that then extends to the back if i go if i go just ponytail i can get the mullet stuff in the back up as well but i kind of like and let's see what can i see what the full-on pony looks like the full-on pony just like yeah okay hold on yeah this is good this is that inigo montoya shit this is good that's right this is good fucking radio yeah jake is currently

pressing all of his hair everything everything is going yeah right to the back he's got some strays in the back that's ultimately fine that's part of the look the oh that's pretty good and you haven't done that probably ever right i mean you have to teach yourself how to do that pony right yeah and then so, I see it now. So, when do you do that? When do you go full pony? Like, are you going out to dinner, drinks like that? Or is that just like an exercise thing? Just exercise.

Yeah. Leave it in. Leave it in for the show. I want to talk to pony Jake. You're laughing. I'm just curious as well. You're laughing. I'm just curious. You're poking fun at me. I know Jake, but I've never met Jacob with the pony before.

I want to see if he's kind of a different guy. The pony's guy, his name is Jay. That's cool. Yeah. Welcome to Jay. Hey, I'm Jay. You know? That's kind of jay's yeah yeah i'm just i need to get across

the bridge so if you can what else yeah right you have to just drive me wherever i tell you so um so how to meet girls post pandemic we're hoping it'll be easier than ever but um yeah if you still need a new online way to do it um orion's right there for you perfect timing i do think you're going to be able to like i don't know events and stuff you're going to be able to meet people irl i think it's going to be i think that that'll be coming back it must suck to like i mean at a certain point it'll be like the first person rejected um post pandemic right like you're finally out, it'll be like the first person rejected post-pandemic, right? Like you're finally out at a bar for like the first time in 18 months.

And it's like, hey, how's it going? It's like, sorry, I'm not like here to meet anyone. You're like, all right, yeah, no, that's cool, whatever. I'm going to go back home for two years anyway, so don't worry about it. Well, you know, if that happens to you, I wouldn't get too discouraged. Because I think, I also feel like as excited as people are to be coming out, you probably will be selective. It's not going to be like. Yeah.

Meeting strangers for the first time. You have to make sure they're worth it. It's a feeding frenzy. There's going to be a lot of people, a lot of options. And people are, you're going to have to accept and reject on the fly quickly. So don't take it personally. How do you tell someone that you're vaccinated or not? That's got to be one of the first questions, right?

It's like, hey, where do you live? How old are you? Which vax are you on? And when did you get it? I think that's a good idea because I was talking to a friend of mine who went on a date with somebody last week who is an anti-vaxxer so it's it's good to ask the vax question early because then you'll be able to to learn if you're actually meeting somebody who doesn't believe in vaccines oh that's cool that we should add that as a photo prompt where it's like you and your vaccination card or um it's like the new i voted sticker you want to

take a selfie with your vaccination card yeah or if we want to get more specific ideally a screen grab of your antibody count that's so we can know exactly where you are in the process that's good yeah because yeah some people are getting over covid and they're like they have natural immunity and some people had to get it from the vaccine so, if you don't want to get too intrusive, like, I don't want to tell you if I got Pfizer or whatever, here's my IgG antibody count. Just know that I'm obviously not a carrier.

Does it say like the count, like it could be high or low. It says how many. Yeah. Well, not every place you'd have to, you have to really go to a specific scientific lab to get that exact figure. But if you want to get with me

you got to make it last you know what i mean yeah for sure all right cool good luck have fun let us know what you think and again it's early days some people won't be able to i don't know resize a photo or swipe right little things like that we're working on. We're constantly building towards. So give us some slack. Appreciate any and all feedback. You can send it to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That's right.

And everything we said about the app is true, except for the fact that it does not self-destruct after 36 hours. Oh, yeah. You also can't hide it. Yeah. It's a Robin Hood thing. thing yeah you can't do that either but the other stuff the other i'm sure accurate there i'm sure there's some people who will think this is a bit and i assure you this is not a bit go to the app store orion dating take it for a whirl let us know what you think um and you know for any other questions that should arise in this post-pandemic post-orion

universe you can always email us at if i were you show at gmail.com oh yeah the opening theme song was that one that made you nostalgic and sad are you still feeling that it was called the way back yeah sadstalgic yeah but no sadjik hopefully this closing one is a little more fun it's uh from daniel in chicago oh he releases music under the name harvey waters okay yeah and he just uh released an album in october so uh hope we're doing well. We helped him out during turbulent times. And you can listen to his stuff at harveywaters.bandcamp.com. Sick. Thanks, Danny slash Harvey Waters. Thanks to you guys for listening.

Hope you guys are getting vaxxed when possible. Staying home, staying healthy, and starting to emerge into this crazy world, this crazy life. And you know what? What? I'm going to introduce a catchphrase right now at the end of every episode well let's ready for it yeah i didn't know this that's awesome yeah let's hear it yeah new catchphrase this is your catchphrase moving forward or how would you introduce a new catchphrase every episode because then it's not really a catchphrase i like yeah i like no yeah and i do i like i've noticed that i like

shows that end with like a catchphrase something look forward to like otherwise it's like why keep listening i want to hear but i want to hear this guy say that thing that he always says it's kind of fun yeah michael barbaro see you tomorrow that's cool exactly and it's like usually natural and like sort of off the cuff and it becomes a thing yeah but we're trying to shoehorn it in after the fact eight years later it's time for your catchphrase not sure and i don't even like using the c word catchphrase yes you do you said i'm gonna i'm gonna introduce a catchphrase you do like using that word but it's fine go ahead say your statement that you say every time starting right now yeah and this is only if people like enjoy it i'm i'm all ears i'm down to here no one else has this much like run up to

the fucking saying right they just say it you said it's off the cuff you said it's easy it just rolls off the tongue people look forward to you saying it not you leading up to saying it so just i'm out do you even know i do i was about to say i was about to say it right now i'm trying to like give i'm trying to give it a beat so like it's a palate cleanser and then it goes into the catchphrase yeah okay i didn't realize this and i don't want to like don't don't think that i'm gonna say it and then we're gonna i'm not yeah yeah i won't say anything i don't want to like start workshopping it not we're gonna say it and we're gonna go straight into the fucking theme song i'm gonna cut your mic oh my god then just fucking say it

say whenever if you're cutting my mic all right ready no but go ahead now i'm like nervous because you're staring at me do you usually look at me when we record yes yes i stare at you the entire time peace out and don't forget you're laughing i can't obviously i obviously can't launch a fucking catchphrase like this i'll just do it i am i know you're not i am laughing you you were so quick to blame me you knew you were like as you were saying it you were seeking something to fucking blame it on that you were that you were fucking that you're fumbling that you're failing you're flailing right now you're drowning you're up the river without a paddle um can i say can i say this is jake and amir and were you reminding you to or

do you want not do you not want anything to do with this shit look man say whatever you want whatever you want okay i'm giving you absolutely no parameters blue sky anything you say goes and that's why that's why you're gonna look as dumb as you possibly can when you can't come up with a catchphrase that's good okay i'm not restricting you at all all right ready yes this is jake and amir we're out and we're reminding we are reminding you to count your blessings and count your raisins peace out everybody take care godspeed and if i don't see you tomorrow let's hook let's link up the day after next you're rambling don't forget you're

rambling this isn't a catchphrase it's not not a catchphrase. It's fucking three words or something. I was nearly, nearly done before you cut me off. And now I feel like I literally have to start from scratch. Good. Good. Count your blessings and your raisins. No. Did you like any of that?

I really did not. Did any of that invoke something interesting? No. Like how when you were a kid, you had a little box of raisins, and it's kind of fun to get your fingers sticky in that shit. Does it evoke anything of joy? Yeah. Now you're trying to spoon feed me exactly what the catchphrase meant.

It didn't. That's a really kind of a deep pull, the count your raisins, because it reminds you of being a kid and having a little box of raisins i think it's a stretch yeah how about this i'm i'm not even saying the first one isn't the new catchphrase i'm saying like that's the leader in the clubhouse but see if you could do this one see if you could take this out for a spin slash have it on. Try it on for size. Go ahead. All right.

Thanks for noodling with us, everybody. Bad. Bad. I went. Yeah, I wasn't. Sorry. You weren't done? Cut me off.

You weren't done? Thanks for noodling us. Thanks for noodling with us, everybody. I prefer pasta, but you can have the spaghetti. Peace out. Love you guys. It's not a catchphrase if it goes on that long. It's two different fucking thoughts.

All right, how about just peace out? The spaghetti thing, and then he said peace out. Love you guys. How about just peace? I don't think... Just peace? I don't think it's enough there's not enough there exactly catchphrase you can't just say that's why i did the noodles that's why i did the raisins i think i'm just angry or something like that why don't we call it focus good let's call it let's

absolutely how about that hey guys thanks for listening why don't we just call it i don't think because that's kind of like depressing it's it sounds like you're giving it ended on a whimper which is the whole point that's that's why i wanted to do a catchphrase at the end ended on the up you know yes exactly um i'm trying to think on a good you now you're trying to end it up i'm glad you're trying to think now after after fumbling through like three different shitty this went so differently in my head yeah what did what did it do in your head you said something it was perfect i applauded it trended on twitter yeah it went viral like it it reached beyond sort of like with the dating app we wanted to reach

beyond our scope i want people to be like talking about raisins it's like they're a thing and so it sounds like you do want to just lean in and choose the rate count your blessings and your raisins that one's count your blessings and your it's dumb but at least it's unique it's short it's something only you have ever said and that's good let's call it there okay okay all right thanks again to danny appreciate you guys for listening to the show count your blessings count your raisins peace out we love you awful if i were you here's what I'd do I'd write the tune

At least to do If I were you Here's what I'd do I'd write the tune What I do I do I can't You sleep I'm back to I'm back to At least you do I do I can't

I feel so I'm back to That was a HeadGum original.