Segments - 486: Horse's Ass (w/Jasper William Cartwright!)

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

In this episode we are joined by Actor, Writer, and new Headgum Podcaster Jasper William Cartwright join us to discuss playing D&D, forgetting birthdays, and being a horses ass.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts,

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Some say he is a chipmunk No one knows for sure But what we know is true Is that he dreams of mics of gold He hasn't won it yet Never even came close He always gets the dirty Will he ever win Or are his dreams in vain

As he dreams of mics of gold Well as he dreams of mics of gold Well as he dreams of mics of gold Damn, haunting. Very beautiful, right? Was that actually Sting? Was that Sting? No, it wasn't because it's a parody by

i don't think so it's a guy named matthew jasper uh i told you this was a sting parody before it played you're british he's british so like i don't know thoughts last time you guys hung out since you're both british uh well the thing is we have our annual annual British meetups. It got moved to Zoom, though, which is where, like, any... Yeah, you can't really get that. Yeah, so it wasn't the same. So I saw him on Zoom last time. That doesn't count, right? No, no, it doesn't count.

So it would have been, like, 2019 last time I saw and hung out with Sting. Wow, still pretty recent. Still fairly recent. But, you know, I met so many people that day that um you know it's hard to hard to know but we do yes we do know everyone everyone uh emily blunt came around for dinner yesterday so i know i know sting vaguely because everyone knows sting but like i don't know much about sting what's his deal he was just like a musician and then he said his name was sting and then he just his name was Sting.

And then he just performed as Sting. And everyone was like, that's all right. That's Sting now. Or was he part of a band? Do you guys know anything about Sting? I know the police, right? Yeah, he was part of the police. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, that's right. I really admire that about musicians because they can just pick a name. It doesn't even have to be remotely relevant. And it's fine. As an actor or a comedian or whatever, it would be super weird to just pick a name like a it doesn't even have to be like remotely relevant and it's fine like as an actor or like a comedian or whatever it would be super weird to just pick a name you know just a single one like i'm book okay that's cool because i always book the role yeah yeah it's like yeah it makes more probably makes more sense than the sting i mean what's sting gotta do with you know i guess a musical sting but then oh that's good yeah musical sting but he's already part of a band called the police so now it's like within the band name he's also has a name in addition to the band name usually i looked it

up on wikipedia sting gained his nickname after his habit of wearing a black and yellow jumper with hooped stripes with the phoenix jazz men um okay so so i guess um they thought he looked like a bumblebee that's just what he was wearing that day it's not related so they saw him in an outfit that made him look like a wasp and then i see but he didn't have to go with waspy so that was a parody of fields of gold actually this guy's in melbourne australia shout out and he wants to plug his podcast called unpacked which is a comedy travel show where the guests tell them about their weirdest and worst times overseas that's pretty good it sounds australian it sounds very australian

i've got some family in australia yeah so uh yeah they love talking about overseas yeah yeah and they're good travelers and they do it like yeah they'll like backpack through patagonia or some shit so something bad's gonna happen it's the same as you guys though whenever americans or australians come over to the uk and i we're always like oh you know they're like oh let's go to london and i'm like oh that's like an hour away and they're like yeah that's like super close for us you know whereas whereas over here i? Nah, boring. That's far away. Whereas in Australia, everything is a minimum of an hour away. Your next door neighbor is an hour away in Australia. It's so spaced out.

Where are you right now? You're in the UK, but not in London. No, I am in Manchester. There's actually other cities in the UK, which is crazy. Yes, many. Are you a Manchester United fan? Manchester City? Hell no neither no no i'm not neither neither neither neither i moved here who's your footy my my footy club uh is is if

you don't mind me asking actually the gunners uh i'm an arsenal fan uh whoa the american accent coming out well i just thought it would make everyone understand better i feel like you know i don't want to i don't want to get confused you don't want this to get yeah you don't want this to get muddled you want this yeah i know a bunch of americans i know a bunch of americans who are arsenal fans like what's the correlation between like hipsters in la and arsenal like why are there arsenal fans in my twitter timeline um i mean it's a very self-sustained club so maybe if you're looking for like an eco friendly club in the uk maybe that's why the hipsters are going for it like yeah um it's green it's super green even though it's carbon neutral yeah yeah they have a low footprint for sure um but no we were like very very very good um like early like late 90s early noughties so like a lot of uh i feel like a lot

of people in sort of like a generational bracket from like who i can like sort of i don't know like mid-20s to like mid-40s at the moment like there's a lot of us in that bracket i think oh and so like why you like almost the lakers amir or the bulls well yeah why people like the bulls right yeah like the the that heyday in the 90s but then usually like the best player leaves and everyone forgets about the team that's what's going on in basketball now like people just follow lebron from team to team there's no cleveland cavaliers fans left that's good i just thought yeah you have a strange structure in america though i feel like whereas i was actually thinking about this earlier. Because America gained independence,

it was like 260 something, 66 years ago, something like that? Yeah, 1776. July 4th, 1776. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. This is usually what I hear. What did I do? We always do the pledge of allegiance at the beginning of the show. All right, okay. Well, I guess I'll sit this one out given my britishness like it might get weird

no no i'll chat you i'll chat you the uh text one second yeah and jay can you please leave in the under god part i know that's been sort of taken some of the yeah some schools have removed it but we really have to say under God. It's so extreme. I love it. We used to do that in like elementary school. It wasn't even a public school. I imagine they still do.

It was like a private school. Yeah, like you stand up, cover your heart. You stand up, face a flag. And you face the flag and you say. And you pledge. You say your pledge. It's the same thing with us except we have to sing God Save the Queen. So it's exactly. Every day us except you have to sing god save the queen so it's exactly every day in some schools yeah like fully you would sing god save the queen

in the mornings and stuff like that wow yeah like we had you know our r.i.p prince philip recently passed away um please all bow your heads he was a real bow your heads take off your hat jay's take off your hats yeah please uh um but that was like days of mourning and it was like two minute silences for like at sports games and stuff like that like it was it's a big big old deal yeah i never even thought of it as like what it was which was like literally pledging your allegiance to the flag like for me it was just like let's stand up and yell yell this poem now and i'm six and i don't know what any of these words mean but now that i think about it it's like pretty fucked up that they made us yeah i always find it super weird i'm like why are we praying

to god to save the queen like is she in immediate danger like what's is she always in immediate danger like she's a pretty healthy like woman like it's what's the problem here why is probably because of the song it's because of the song she gets power from the song yeah she'll never die yes keep going keep singing louder she starts aging in reverse as you guys yell more it was actually her in the crown she just plays herself benjamin button style the point i was the point i was trying to make about the football teams was that uh yeah like the i think arsenal point i was trying to make about the football teams was that uh yeah like the i think arsenal if i'm not wrong is something like 135 years old so like some of these clubs are like some of them are like 200 years old do you know what i mean so it's like

it's wild to think how long they've been around and so it's like a really like a generational thing um and this is the reason this is the reason why i razz jake so hard for sporting tottenham because like come on you spurs yeah but that's the thing please stop it's making me want to vomit uh but we but like this is the thing is like both of our clubs right now are in a very firm level of mediocrity. It's painful to watch them at times. Arsenal is a little further lower than the mediocrity. But I take the point.

Yeah, sure. It makes sense. Sure. We're Carabao Cup finalists. Yeah, we're in the Europa League semi-final tonight. So why don't you just go ahead. You got beaten by some... By Man City.

By Man City. I think that's an honorable word. Oh, in the Carabao Cup. Yeah, but in the Europa League, it was a... Yeah, but we had our eye on the prize of the trophy that we felt like we could win. Which you didn't get. Too many cups. Too many leagues.

Like, what is going on? I would agree. These teams are playing like nine things at the same time. This is a correction. Just focus on the fucking NBA or the NFL. Now it's like, actually, they're playing in 12 other side tournaments during the year there is a few there is a few this is a big thing though i i wanted to say like on air if i may uh jake one small correction uh you always say hardware hardware

when talking about a trophy and i feel like it's something did you just do my accent that's an american thing for sure yeah oh but honestly every time jake says it i've tried it i've like i've i've internalized it every time but it hurts me like it's what do you call that hardware silver i literally the other day i got so annoyed i was listening to the show when i wrote down in capital letters on a piece of paper silverware because i was and on the other side of that it's a picture of my face with a bunch of dart marks in it oh sorry you weren't supposed Oh, sorry. You weren't supposed to see that side. You weren't supposed to see that side.

I'm so sorry. But silver is second place. I don't want silverware. That's second placeware. We have fancy trophies that have been around for a long time and are actually made out of real silver. Which is a very precious metal. And see, in the US, first place is gold. Second place is silver.

But gold actually is an inferior metal like it's soft uh it like decays super easy silver's a very sturdy piece of of metal switch it for the olympics it should be bronze range uh in terms of like where do you rank that bronze yeah bronze is your metal yeah i mean yeah i think i think i mean bronze is probably the sturdiest of all of them right like we Like, we use bronze for a lot of stuff. It's not about sturdiness. It's about rarity, isn't it? It's about the rare metal.

Gold. True, true. Actually, I do take your point. Arsenal are the only team to have a golden Premier League trophy because we went a whole season unbeaten. So actually, now I think about it. Yeah, let's go for gold. Wow.

Really? Go for gold. Go for gold. Go for gold. Go for gold. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It brings it all full circle to the golden for gold. Wow. Really? Go for gold. Go for gold. There you go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It brings it all full circle to the golden mic that I was teased about in the opening

theme song. I did shout that guy out. What I didn't do was introduce you, Jasper. Hi. And I don't think I ever said who you are, where you're from, what you're doing here. I just got invited to a Zoom. I have no idea what I am doing, who you are. Thanks for having me i guess this is one of those british meetups that you thought you were having with sting but it's actually with

two american blokes from the other side of the pond talking about hardware oh man i get that so often the other side of the pond that's like the most frequent like like things oh you're from over the pond i'm like what do you mean it's not a pond it's like the most frequent like, like things. Oh, you're from over the pond. I'm like, what do you mean? It's not a pond. It's like a frigging huge ocean. Like, that's like me saying over the pond to France. It's still like quite a lot of sea in between us.

We like to say it. Yeah. But British people don't actually say it. We don't say it the other way. You don't meet somebody from like Japan and say, oh, you're from across the pond. Cause. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's less. That's a different pond's it's that's a different pond yeah it's a different pond it's a bigger pond guys that is um so jasper is one of the co-hosts of headgum's newest dnd podcast three

black halflings um jake i don't know if you feel threatened by another dungeons and dragons podcast on headgum slash on this podcast right now but hopefully you guys can get along yeah no i don't know if you feel threatened by another dungeons and dragons podcast on headgum slash on this podcast right now but hopefully you guys can get along yeah no i didn't feel that threatened until i like saw their traffic start to go up and now i'm pretty nervous so you should be you should be yeah really because you know uh we you know we're uh we're probably gonna be bigger than that pod give it like a month maybe um we have what i'm talking about dude they're coming for our jobs like we have to secure our borders otherwise like all these the british podcast it's the british invasion it's actually how do you secure a

border against radio waves like i because yeah it's all on the back end we have to talk to our hosting company and ban ips from certain parts of the globe. I've already been sort of working on it behind the scenes, but we don't have all the details. And that's a little bit easier than making our podcast better. It's easier to destroy other people than to improve our own shit. Yeah, that's sort of how I deal with everything in my life. I'll just sort of ridicule others instead of work on myself, aim my anger that I don't like me towards others

so that I feel better about me and stuff like that. So that's what I'll be doing. I'll be destroying others while building myself up. If that makes sense. That is a super two white guy reaction. I love it. Let's just break it. Let's just break it.

You get it. Yeah. Independence Day style. Yeah. why not um all right we got some questions from people i should say this is if i were you the only advice show on the web hosted by me and jake i'm amir i am jake and uh i searched some for some questions in the dnd universe since you know usually we just have Jake on, and he's sort of new to the whole thing. He doesn't quite get it. I don't know what your D&D background is, Jasper.

Are you sort of new to the whole game? Jasper's a DM. Like, he knows... You get it. Yeah, I DM. I DM. I would say that it's like I am nowhere near, like, a Jeremy Crawford, like the guy who made it, but, like, I'm, you know, I'm a good level, you know? I'm like in and around like Murph, you know, from NADPOD.

Oh, that's pretty good. How long have you been playing? I've been playing for like three years now, three, four years. Like properly kind of like I feel like I played as a kid. I played like as a very young kid, like my friend's dad DM'd for us. And I was like like this is kind of horrible like I don't enjoy this like I was

playing this like. He was a super railroad-y DM you know. Yeah like it's not I was like this is like this bugbear sounds fun like I want to make friends with him why do I have to kill it like this is and I have like two spell slots and then after that I just died and i was like oh this

sucks like i don't feel this cool like a cool mage or whatever i feel like a loser was this also in manchester uh this was no this was down where i come from like i come from like like further south in the uk so like in between london and brighton i feel like that's probably the best description for uh any american listeners if there's any uk listeners who know the geography i'm from horsham so and you're uh you're you're a side uh brighton and hope albion fan is that right yes yes yes because that's like my uh they i lived in brighton for a little while and they're also very they're very good very good club so um that's something we can agree on i like brighton yeah brighton's good brighton is very good much better than spurs sorry the question was uh yeah oh yes we have to get this guy hold on i feel like i'm getting steamrolled here no no no no no you're not you

know not really just just uh just like just jabbed in the face real fast and we're moving on all you're saying is that you know about a city so like i think we're done with that part of the conversation as per said that my favorite team was bad but i forget because they are okay anyway we need a dude's name this this dnd fan what can we call this guy um it should be something british shouldn't it uh that's right every game absolutely not um how about um rupert we can call him rupert dragon because it's a dnd question that's good right i have a fairly nerdy question that i think you guys can help out with i know jake's been playing dnd and even got amir to come on nadpod once uh i've been playing for a few years myself now, but here's the conundrum. I play D&D every other Tuesday, every Wednesday, every Thursday. Saturdays from 3 p.m. until 1 a.m. Now I even have a game on

Friday night. Do you think this is too much? Sounds like a footballer. I felt recently that I haven't been as excited for each game as i was originally and i think i should stop playing so often please give me advice i'm a 27 year old male and recently married thank you guys love you both sincerely rupert dragon all right rd put dragon uh you need to check in with your partner i think first of all because i think they'll be able to give you a pretty clear indication of whether you play too much. I feel like that's a good place to start.

That's our decision to make, yeah. We'll be able to tell them, point blank, the spouse will be too polite, too nice, too honest. At this point, she really might say, that's enough. That's enough now. How often do you guys play um i mean i think is i do understand where rupert is coming from because i definitely it's very easy to just be like oh yeah like when you especially when you first start like oh yeah you're playing and you're

playing and you're dming and you want to dm now like because what one thing that tends to happen quite a lot is like if you start dming and you bring new people in they then eventually after like a few months wanting like oh they're like oh i want to now dm so like it kind of gets into a thing so i sympathize with rupert's position here as well because it kind of gets a bit hard to say no i don't want to play in your game but keep coming and playing in my game like that you know what i mean so it does build very easily um and i understand the sensation because like now i have like a whole podcast around dundas and dragons and kind of uh and so we play on that and uh as a part of that and i have like two other games so i think i play wow three times a week

um and how does that feel do you feel like you have an insatiable appetite where you're or whatever and and then like all you know a bunch of dudes around the table crying because like their favorite npc died it doesn't feel the same on zoom um right uh but yeah there's definitely a little bit of uh there's definitely a little bit of the other like okay i've got a i think i dm more than i play as well playing is easier because you just kind of turn up and you're like hey yeah let's do it but i mean if this guy i think this guy is insinuating probably i'm assuming he dms some of these games uh it can be a little like okay right i've got a plan they're going to this city now but they're dming ding even two games sounds insane to me that's so much to keep track of yeah i dm three that's fucking crazy yeah it sounds so hard it's it's like it's like you do you fully get confused

you're like you're like oh you were in this city and they're like no no we're over here and i'm like oh i mean i knew that is just start doing like the voice of an NPC that's in another campaign. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like stuff like that happens all the time. All the time. And they don't know about each other either. It's a secret life that you're leading. What are you talking about?

We're not there. Oh, no, I swear. And you're hiding like lipstick on your shirt or something. Yeah. Or like how reveals. It's a Mrs. Doubtfire situation. Hello. Oh, hello there.

That's not what you sound like. Why are you in full drag you're running back and forth because both wanted to play on friday night you're also nannying yeah oh man that that's that scene uh is my favorite mrs doubt via quote ever which is when he looks over because the guy's choking and just goes i've killed the bastard it's so funny it's it's so funny like wasn't mrs doubtfire british if you think about it yeah mrs doubtfire as a character is british yeah very good british accent um how did you go to school with her or like yeah yeah yeah i knew mrs doubtfire so uh we go way back she actually babysit me when i was a kid yeah that's awesome that's really cool

school this is doubtfire like how old am i um yeah i'm trying to think about like what i could do this much like when you say saturday from 3 p.m to 1 a.m that seems crazy to me but then it's like i guess i can watch football that many hours a day on saturdays but then i also don't watch it on like tuesday wednesday thursday so and that's all if they're like good games do you know what i mean like even with football like watching you kind of like if it's like a bad game or it's just like yeah you gotta check out a little bit. That's crazy. Yeah, I feel like especially if you're getting to a point where you're no longer kind of getting hyped for the game,

like to play with your friends and stuff, then maybe it's a time to... We did something recently, which I would... It was a fun thing. Not all of our players could make it for a session. So we just hung out on a session so we just like hung out on zoom and we were like oh yeah we're all just like friends we're not like a a dwarf named azarelogov and uh and uh you know a minor talk called mr mash it's stupid that's nice that's

you know mr mash is a good name mr mash yeah i thought you might like that jake uh what about getting rid of one of these days and seeing how it does for you? I mean, if you're truly concerned, knock off this Thursday one. Actually, it's the Wednesday one. Then you got the every other Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. That's three days a week.

That's mine. There's space in between now. Yeah. It's the Wednesday one that seems pretty unnecessary. So call up those wednesday friends and just say no more i'm out bye-bye yeah let's leave it um yeah yeah and you don't want it to become like you said feel like a chore like you know the less you play it the more of a reward it feels like when you do and you'll appreciate it more i think yeah i think you'd appreciate it more for

sure um it's also a lot of hours like that's a lot of hours per week that's like a job yeah because the other sessions are probably gonna be like three hours he's also spending time planning like there's that's a lot of dnd time it's a lot of dnd and what about what about sessions like how long are your sessions lasting can you go he's talking about saturdays from three to one that's uh 11 10 hour 10 hours that's a that's a 10 hour that seems a little long i don't know what do you guys think is that normal um that's wrong for once a week that's fucking yeah yeah yeah for once a week whoever dms that session if rupert dragon is dming that session then sweet geez that's like

that's a lot of work that's a lot of work i mean like like i think the the idea of like a marathon session like a 12-hour session sounds fun but not not not not recurring i could like i like the idea of like going to a cabin or something with people and just like getting drunk playing dnd all weekend that seems great i i could binge it but i couldn't binge it continually yeah that's what it's about though that's what it like used to be because i used to be like you know like kids you you get like one sunday like a month and you'd all get around like go around someone's house and like find like a basement or something and just play for like 12 hours or something that's like that's what you would do but i feel like as a yeah that's a lot man that's a lot give yourself a

break on those wednesdays speaking of break let's take a break and we'll come back and answer some more cues with jasper a transition thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back uh jasper do you have any mom i'm coming gross uh that makes me laugh uh yeah i do i do uh so i've got this uh i've got this like theory i'm not like a spiritual person by any means uh i don't kind of go in for a lot of that but i do have this thing of like putting stuff out into the universe but i think the reason i believe in this is because i think it does something to you mentally which i think is useful so like i don't think that the universe gives anything back if you're hey, you're a good person and you want something.

I don't really think that there's like a rhyme or reason to it. But I've had a lot of instances in my life where like I've said something and then like years later, I've like got the exact thing that I was after, which sounds like crazy. But it was like a lot of hard work to get there. So my thing is like like i think what it does is like i'll use an example i i did a i did a show called warhorse which is like one of my favorite shows when i was like uh first started going to the theater and stuff and uh when i left drama school i was like i want to be in warhorse it's like the one show i really want to be in or when i was in drama school and forgot about it a couple years later I auditioned for it and I got

it and the the what I think it does is like when you get in the room and because you've had it in your head for like years I think it gives you like the extra 10 percent you know it gives you a little extra edge to just push through a kind of barrier or whatever and go that little bit further so yeah interesting yeah I don't I think it doesn't think you mentally as opposed to like manifesting anything in like destiny i think yeah i'm a big fan of like visualization because i think that like it doesn't actually like it's not it doesn't create like a it's not like a wish and then the universe gives it to you but i think that like it plants it firmly in your subconscious and even when you're not actively thinking about these things it's like a part of your being so you're like still working towards it right like all the time kind of like subconsciously you're kind of working and then and then just like you said like when the opportunity actually

presents itself there's like that recall there's like there's a spark that's already there you don't have to find it from nothing yes yes for me it's the opposite like if i put it in in the universe that i really wanted warhorse and i finally got to audition and be like shit i wanted this this whole my whole life and i'm kind of freaking out all right i'm ready to read hit it and there's like no pianist it's like sorry we like need you to prepare a monologue you're like i'm a little warhorse no one likes me now how do you know that number that was that's really that one a single tear rolling down the casting director's eye

it was beautiful the director just starts throwing up in the corner oh no he has food poisoning yeah ignore him he's really enjoying it i remember warhorse was it was like famous for a spell but is that yeah that was the it was like a giant actual horse on stage it came to the states at one point yes it was a big deal yeah because it had like the big animatronic horse over here it's well yeah it's it's not animatronic it's like three dudes inside the horse and they make all the noises and stuff and that's crazy is that what it is people ride around on it it's did you ride around to read for the horse's ass i did that's possible yeah the hind the hind yeah yeah yeah you gotta be you gotta be shorter to be the hind though i can yeah i can sort of crouch if you want me to be the ass of the horse for warhorse

yeah and did he have to do anything or did he just have to just sort of walk around it's pretty hard like yeah because i like i like sit on the cage so like i ride like you know the people ride oh you're riding on yeah yeah so it's like basically the horse itself weighs something like 10 stone uh or 11 stone i think it is like the frame of the horse and then someone gets on top so that's like another we had to be like we had to be under 12 stone the whole time like we were a stone is it's around 60 to 100 pounds oh yeah sorry uh yes it's not like a specific unit of measurement it's just like yeah roughly 60 how much does a stone weigh it's like 14 pounds a stone okay you're way up all right cool 60 i mean jesus christ i think he's also said to a hundred. Sixty to a hundred. Many orders of magnitude. There's somewhere in there.

I just want everyone to know that I wasn't trying. Okay? I was not. I love this. It feels like this could easily get away. I felt like I judged you more for not trying. Like, it would have been nice for you to at least try. Okay, actually, yeah.

I feel like everyone should know that I tried really hard, hard these guys are making fun of me for being a little stupid thank you for trying jake i appreciate how do you audition to be the ass of the horse like is that guy uh is that guy an actor he's more of like a dancer by the way jasper jasper pitched like fucking believing in yourself and visualizing and dreaming big and going for your goals. And your follow-up is how do you be the ass of the horse? Asper told a beautiful story about how he fucking achieved his dreams.

Did he have to move the tail? This is my dream. This is my dream. Right now, being asked about the ass of the horse by Amir Blumenfeld. That's what I want. When you booked that role did you imagine that someday you'd be doing an interview and someone would ask you about becoming the ass of the horse like are you just a dancer at that point or like um does can that guy sing and dance

too if he's just the ass of the horse or is it like a different skill so the horse can actually sing and dance better than anybody on stage and no one knows i tell you the the hind the hind of the horse or the ass of the horse uh is one of the one of the toughest roles like it's it was like because you'd get like dragged around stage like fully dragged around stage like yeah uh because you're like strapped into this thing it's like you're wearing like a metal backpack strength it is a workout it's my my friend uh my friend lucas he played uh he was in it with me we actually trained together at drama school as well and then like our first big gig outside drama school we were like hey you're the ass of the horse and i'm gonna sit on you cool what about you what do you get i got the lead

how about yourself i'm the uh the uh what's it? The ass. I'm the horse's ass for it. It's so cool. We can do tea or some shit. I want to pick your brain about how you get to be on top of the horse and not the anus of the war horse. I am actually drafting an email right now to the casting director just for attention for casting director, a submission for Amir blumenthal

to play the ass of the horse is there acting to be done in the horse well you got you got to make it like a lot of sounds like there's a lot of um vocalizations that you have to do um at one point the horse farts right i think i'm remembering that correct yeah yeah yeah it has to sort of do that yeah yeah the horse definitely has to has to do the uh the uh those um but uh the the vocalizations were pretty pretty impressive actually because you do it like all in the in breath and stuff it's you know it's pretty cool it's pretty cool wow and three people working together yeah well because actually fun fact so there's a guy on the outside who holds the head and then you've got someone in the middle and someone in the back and then uh sorry someone in the ass um yeah uh but the the horse has the lung capacity of three people so uh it always started

that the head would start the kind of the the nay or the winnie uh whatever it was and then it would work its way down but it would be like a similar kind of resonant sound to a horse because it's it's about three people worth of noise which is kind of cool yeah that is and now here we are just fucking jake being so rude about like is it does it fart like i don't know why you were so rude like i'm honest i'm crying it's an masterpiece it is an masterpiece uh all right we got um we got some um question not necessarily related to dungeons and dragons but rather about birthdays something we all got right jasper when's your birthday just so i know i don't have a birthday it's in january uh it's on january the 11th so wow dangerously close to

mine is it dangerously close yeah i was i'm a 118 baby 118 oh yeah sorry you do your birthday your days the other way around it's super confusing by the way why would you put month first it makes no sense i'm sorry but it doesn't because like when you say like i was like when i say like april 5th i have to say four or five it just makes more sense that way because i'm saying april 5th so it's like fourth month fifth day what you guys do is actually so ass backwards i'm starting to keep bringing it back to the ass leave my ass out of this please um all right here we go i've become so conscious of saying the word ass now because obviously i

say ass and you're like ass like i feel so weird saying it now like I've become so conscious of saying the word arse now, because obviously I say arse, and you're like, arse. I feel so weird saying it now. I've heard it too many times. Are you saying arse, or is that a different word entirely? Yeah, arse. No arse. But are you saying the R, or is that a different word? Oh, I guess technically it's spelled differently, yeah.

It would be A-R-S-E, as opposed to A-S-S, which is arse, I guess. Wow. We're so different, you and different you and i just so different but yet the same god it's so cool that we can still get along so isn't arsenal like arse anal that's pretty good that's good really good okay there is there is no team is arse mate nice you got them your crest is a chicken standing on a enough we have a cannon okay god i i do i love tottenham but their their logo is so abysmally bad

it's a chicken standing on a volleyball i don't know why it really is it really and i looked at it since like it's fucking in set like it's never ever been good because like they their redesign is very bad but it's also been bad from the make a dragon or something do you know what i mean like do something with it yeah like or a spur that spurs are cool hot yeah what does it have to do with the chicken yeah it's true's true. Too American. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. God save our great... All right, knock it off, you guys.

Stop pledging allegiances to your various countries. Okay, we need a lady's name for this question. Again, not necessarily British, but you can go British with it. Any context from the message? She's from Seattle. She was born on Election Day. Election, Electra.

Oh, that's really good. Carmen Electra. Carmen Electra. Yes, very specifically. I'm a 24-year-old from Seattle, writes Carmen Electra. My birthday was on election day and my best friend didn't wish me a happy birthday. She's not really on social media,

so she doesn't have that as a reminder. And I know we all collectively got distracted with the election. Am I petty or self-centered for being a little upset? Should I say something or go against my Scorpio nature and just let it go? Have any of you guys had your supposed best friend forgotten your birthday?

And if so, how did you react? Is this a sign that we're not really good friends after all? Wow. Have you guys ever forgotten each other's birthdays? I feel like that's the question I would ask. No, we're usually together enough to like, you know, that it's that day. We definitely, we like make a big deal out of each other's birthdays. Like, it's like a fucking full week blowout.

Like, I'll throw Jake like a sweet 16 style week long quinceañera meets bar mitzvah almost every birthday. And my 34th, I think Lil Wayne performed and you got me a Ferrari. I got you the deluxe package. Yeah, I went completely ham. I am so glad I told you where my birthday was. This is great. For Mere's 37th, we did a cruise around the Virgin Islands. Jasper, you know those.

With Terry Crews. Yeah. With Terry Crews. He was strapped to the front of the boat like one of those figureheads just a big buff figurehead of the boat we took titanic style photos with terry yeah terry was the mermaid at the front of the boat you and i we all had crew cut too so it's crew cruise cruise and cruise even the crew had a crew cut yeah it's fun to see. But are you guys good with birthdays? Do you, I remember when Facebook was more prevalent,

it would remind everybody like, Jasper, do you remember your friend's birthdays or you need the social media reminder? Yeah, I feel like that is a tricky one because I think that people, we've become reliant on the social media reminder. Like, I don't think it's something that I've consciously not paid attention to, but like, now I'm like, I know that something will

remind me of your birthday. So I, so like something I can like, I can make space for my, in my brain, you know, the, the folder labeled birthdays, I can just chuck out. Cause I've got a thing that will tell me now. Exactly. I can remind, remind, remember other things now yeah um so i i guess that's tricky yeah because you you'd uh if you're reliant on the the notification all the notifications that day would have just been like you know let's not let's let's do this let's not do another four years or what do you know what i mean like it wouldn't have been like uh i feel like birthday notification that day was going to the bottom of the list however yeah if it's best friend surely i mean you do something or you know you'd get a present or uh yeah best friend is like that's a that's almost like one of the biggest days of the year for that best friendship it's

like your birthday my birthday we remember that because no one else is doing the the birthday do you know what i mean like best friends are in charge of organizing the birthday yeah that's that's almost honestly the biggest most important role of the best friend otherwise yeah you're almost not the best friend you're just a friend so maybe your best friend didn't wish you a happy birthday because they're not your best friend i mean maybe someone else although the election the election this year was a pretty big deal it was a very that was like four years leading up to this one day where we hoped to reverse course and save america so it does stand to reason maybe a day late of a birthday celebration but to completely forget

that's a tough pill to swallow and even i was watching the election over here over the exactly yeah i watched every minute it's been it's nine sorry it's how many months has it been that was in november november 9th november 7th yeah something like that so six months something like that it feels like i don't blame this person for being upset and wanting to say something but i feel like it's it's lingered too long at this point like you had your the window i feel like is closed right it doesn't open again until your next birthday and then if they say something it's like oh great glad you wished me a happy birthday this year you know then you could say something really passive aggressive yeah because last year was biting this and trump that

why we didn't celebrate at all yeah i feel like it's yeah i agree with jake i think it's gone it's too it's a bit too past the date now i think it would be a it's you could maybe i don't know if you have any french in your family you could go for like a demi birthday you could bring that up you know but oh today is my demi birthday like my demi fete i think it's something they call it in france it's something i'm gonna get by french people now like that's not what yeah it's your half birthday so it's like but they like i think in france they actually celebrate it they actually do presents and it's not like as big as your actual birthday but they they do like give gifts and stuff. So maybe you could say,

hey, it's my demi birthday today. Like, do you remember what was six months ago today? And they'll be like the election. And then you can just, okay, fine. You're clearly never going to be able to get past it. Yeah. If it's, yeah, if it's a big deal. If it's been on your mind for six months,

then I feel like you've got to say something. But maybe wait till next week. When you think about your half birthday, it's July 11th. That day happens. Are you like, oh, today's my half birthday, or you've never thought about that? I don't think I have. I'm quite happy with where my birthday is.

I always quite liked it because I feel like you usually get a lot of stuff and i'm like you're just unlabored with any fuss being made during the summer you can just enjoy your summer um i don't like the idea of having a summer birthday i feel like it would be i don't know get lost in the shuffle yeah see i'm the opposite i hate birthdays i'm like i'd rather just someone just let's just ignore my birthday completely like oh really leave a present on my doorstep if you want i see so you don't like the texts all day saying hey happy birthday it's it's fine but i haven't spoken to you in four years like thanks for the well wishes but you know leave me alone again please thank you and like don't even get me started on cards i hate cards like i feel

actively offended by cards so you get a card for your birthday that's a that's a black sign of death yeah yeah a horse's ass to you yes yeah i send them a horse's ass in response actually godfather style yeah instead of waking up with a horse's head in their back it's just the next to their pillow the sphincter of the horse all right let's take another break we got one last dnd question that i wanted to ask you guys we'll come back right after these messages quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what

you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do.

The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Mmm. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. I had the weirdest moment earlier uh this was so i was down in london i was getting some new headshots done today uh and um i was wearing this jumper and it was exactly that weather that you mentioned i happened to just click on an old episode

and it was literally exactly that shit weather in between being like uh like too hot for like uh too too cold to not have a jumper on but too hot to like have the jumper on and i'm not kidding i had it tied around my waist as jake was like these fucking dweebs who died on their waist and i immediately even though jake couldn't see me i took it off and like stuffed it in my bag i was like all right okay cool it was so funny that didn't apply to you i'm sure you called you out by name And like stuffed it in my bag. I was like, oh, right. Okay, cool. It was so funny. That didn't apply to you. I'm sure he called you out by name too.

Yeah, it felt like it. It really felt like I was like, this is so oddly specific. I clicked on a random episode and this is what's happened. Like it felt so weird. That's pretty good weather for London. And then, but yeah, but then you started talking about Fahrenheit,

which again made me angry about measurement systems again, because Fahrenheit is even more stupid than anything else I've previously mentioned. Fahrenheit and stones. Fahrenheit and feet is bad. They're both bad. Yeah, stone is also bad.

I will give you, stone is bad. We'll take it. Let's draft units of measurements so you can remove stones. I'll get rid of Fahrenheit. Yes, please. Please do. I like Fahrenheit because it's almost like on a scale of 1 to 100, how cold is it outside?

Sorry, how hot is it outside? But like 30 is cold, right? Yeah, 30 is freezing. But 60 is hot. 60 is not that hot. 60 is like fine. Okay, 60 is fine. 60 is what you felt today.

Okay, okay, okay. So what's like 80? Oh, nobody knows. That's the craziest thing. It's so weird. If it's 80, some people are wearing parkas, some people are wearing t-shirts. It throws off the entire system. It's July.

Everybody's at the beach. You're hot. 80 is hot. Okay, and so what's like ridiculous? Like 120? Yeah, 120 is like you can't go outside. You're hot. It is hot. Okay. And so what's like ridiculous? Like 120? Yeah. 120 is like you can't go outside. Yeah.

Okay. It's Las Vegas. It's the desert. It's August. It's burning you. It's too hot. Okay. Okay.

I did Australia once. And I think those are all the temperatures there are. Yeah. Yeah. That's all of them. But then they meet up. Celsius and Fahrenheit meet up like at minus whatever it was you were saying. I was like, how the, I had to sit and Google that for like 10 minutes.

I was like, this is so dumb. They match each other at like minus 34. They become one magical unit of measurement where everybody's freezing their arse off. Yes, thank you. Thank you. I think we should do this next segment both with British accents. Oh, hello.

Why do you always go, I bitched when you do a British, oh, hello! We have to be royalty. Children! Gather round, gather round. Whenever we did shows in England, everyone said the same thing, which is like, wow, I didn't realize how American you guys

sounded until I talked to you in real life, for whatever reason. And it was like from independent people in different cities, like this sentiment was universal that we sound more American in person versus over the podcast. And sometimes people would be off-put by it. I was looking forward to meeting you,

but you sound pretty American. That's, I mean, that's fair. Not that they're off- that's that's rude um but like i feel like imagine that yeah that's fair criticism too american horrible but like i do feel like i put on i definitely have a podcast voice which maybe is a less a slightly less extreme american when when you're just like excitable, happy yourselves, you know like out and about, maybe it's a slightly different version because I feel like

our hangout voice my hangout voice is definitely a bit more like slangy than this oh we can go slangy let's pretend we're like in a Guy Ritchie film for this part like we got one last question. All right,

governor. Yeah. Fucking up the apples and pears. Come on in. Wait, wait. That's pretty good. That's what you got to do.

You got to do the, wait, wait. Yeah. Isn't it? You got to do the Jason Statham. What? That's really good.

That's a good place to start. The what? My favorite part in the film, the Meg. They zoom in on his face and he just goes, what? What? It's so weird. Well, that's in his contract.

He gets one what per film at least. One what a film. Yeah. All right. One last question about Dungeons and Dragons. Yes, why not? One last fake name to give this guy. We got to preserve one more person's anonymity jasper what

you got um one more dungeons and dragons question let's go for a sealed door yeah is that like a door that's sealed or like that oh no no a sealed door is the name of an elf in lord of the rings god yes it's actually i believe it's isildur's sword that was broken and reforged uh by aragorn is right is that right oh yeah no maybe isildur isn't a human then oh man this is bad this is a bad let's let's yeah i don't i'm not actually sure uh the blade that is broken has been reforged it's really good yeah there we go uh isn't it um all right isildur writes day one listener first time writer i'm having dungeons and dragons issue and i know All right. A sealed door, right? Day one listener, first time writer. I'm having Dungeons and Dragons issue.

And I know Jake has become a super fan. So my question is, I have a player in my game who won't stop making his characters already made fictional characters from various games and movies. And frankly, neither the players nor am I are happy about it. We have brought this up multiple occasions, but every time we do, he throws a little little tantrum we don't want to ask him to leave our group this is getting absurd what would you do regards el seal door is your door i i feel even worse now that i've called this person a seal door because that is a real real like a character from a fiction as well but they probably hate this name as well is this frowned upon is this a common thing where it's like you can't just say your name is fucking frodo that already exists um it's like a lot of first characters tend to be just because it's like a bit easier to like get

into character and to kind of like know what you're kind of doing with any like you get less concerned about like the rules of the game because you're just like oh what powers or whatever do they have i can just base it around that and so it's a little less like intimidating i think for like new players but even then normally you'd like change the name a little bit or make up your own backstory or something so it's kind of extreme to like if you're just constantly making characters that are just other movie characters like other franchise characters it's hard to it's hard to stay in the game if you're just constantly making characters that are just other movie character like other franchise characters it's hard to it's hard to stay in the game if you're like you're going through a dungeon and somebody's just like i have to get back to the shire the whole time or just

constantly yelling still only counts as still only counts as one like okay we get it cool yeah yeah cool cool gambling out but isn't it still playing the game because it's like that character wouldn't be in this universe i don't know it doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me but i've never played i think it's i think it's more to jake's point it's a little distracting i think for like everyone if you're sort of really hamming like a particular character you're not really like in the moment living with it just like going along like if you when you did like a like a jake and amir sketch just picked a different comedian to be you know you just did kevin hart that day you know and no matter what jake gave you you were just like hey yeah you'd be like whoa okay

this is not what we you know this isn't the the world's always signed up for yeah although jake and kevin hart sounds pretty funny actually if we can be i'd watch the hell out of that show successful i mean i would just be a mountain duet or hanging on to his coattails that'd be incredible i mean what a ride i would leave you behind so fast so fucking fast understandable yeah but it wouldn't be your friend there's a friendship that we have in a built-in like chemistry that has to count for something you remember each other's birthdays and everything so i already forgot amir's birthday and i only know kevin hart's birthday march 4th i'll never forget kevin hart's big day sending him a card right now for next year um so yeah have you ever steered a player um in one

direction and he's like no i don't want to do that you have to let me play that also seems kind of lame as yeah i think that's how the issue would arise right is that you would present a scenario in the play i get the opinion the players a bit like no no no like i wouldn't do this or that wouldn't happen because i could do this or because i'm this person like that's where it feels like a little limity for me where like yeah you've got to be gracious at the table i think you do have to be gracious at the table i think it feels like if you have this a character that's exists as like a leaping off point that's good but if you're staying true if you're playing in your at your friend's table and you're staying true to gimli the entire time it seems

like that's not that doesn't make for like good new role play yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it limits you in terms of the fun you could have i feel like the advice i would give if you're the dm i would say like uh try and find ways to interest them in like their own story you know like give them like little hooks and things which are like you know give them like almost like give them a new set like backstory by like putting plot hooks and stuff that haven't happened to gimli before you know like give gimli like a like try and you know steer like a potential love interest or a fun npc or something that they haven't partnered up with so like see if they can get influenced by the world that they're that they're you know and then if they're still i mean or even like a magical weapon or something

that could be yeah that's a way to differentiate it right away like somebody playing gimli is like i'm using a battle axe and they're like well here's a plus one magic sword that you just found. Gimli might be like, okay. I'll take that one. I'll still only count just one. Yes. Okay, cool. You've got to toss me.

It kind of sounds fun, actually. We should all play as Gimli. We should do a DJ. I actually, I don't. All Gimli. I don't know about lord of the rings or like um i feel kind of left out um when you guys talk about this kind of shit um okay um i'm so sorry amir um yeah thank you that's one apology and i wish i you're the host of the podcast just breeze past it or change the subject you're making it you're like making a meal of this it's i'm crying now because i feel so bad okay that's good and then jake are you also

in terms of being sorry to make me feel other than the problem is is it jake emailed me before this when he set this up he said look i'm gonna i'm getting you on to trial you as a replacement for amir so really like that was like how would it work he was you guys would both know about lord of the rings how would that work for podcast chemistry i feel like people would tune in for our gimli banter really like the two gimli bit i think that'd be fun everyone's a gimli i mean i could do gimli's that's that's i should be a gimli actually now that i think about it really because you're you're just making me apologize to you for not knowing which character was he just tell me which one he is and then i said you could do it you said you could do it you did say yes hi i'm roger gimli attorney at law what are we doing here looking for a fucking

ass a horse's ass you're conflating it with an earlier part of the episode really yeah fuck i have a migraine of all things you know how annoying that is too many bits too many bits i have a sinus headache all right listen to what these guys say they know what they're talking about i can't add any wisdom i'm sorry i i fell short but that's the whole point of having another dnd expert on we can answer some of these questions um jasper tell us a little bit about your podcast what's the uh what's the pitch here three black halflings another dnd podcast on the head gum network it is it is. It is indeed. Yeah, so we are

basically the idea came about when we realized that there's not a whole lot of representation in Dungeons & Dragons and fantasy in general. Like, you'd look at Lord of the Rings, for instance. It's super white. It's pretty diverse, because there's... I'm trying to think. There's...

Yeah, okay. Yeah, no, they're totally... No, no, please. I think Legolas is Asian, so... think there's um yeah okay yeah no they're totally let me know no yeah well yeah i think legolas is asian so gollum is from poland so that's like there's some eastern european there no unfortunately all the the asian references are, just a homogenous group of bad guys that come in, like, halfway through the writing of Big Elephants. That's right, that's right. Yeah, so, basically, I started playing D&D with my friend Jeremy, and we would spend, like, ages after we'd finished playing just talking afterwards about, like, the rules and stuff like this. And I was like, hey, we should get together and, like, talk about this.

I'm like, dude, dude like do a podcast and uh we'd recently just started playing in a campaign that i was doing and jeremy was on the hunt for a fat like character art for his character like something of approximation he was playing a black halfling and just could not find any artwork of a black halfling anywhere um except for like a really old black and white photo which was like some it honestly looked like it was like out of some really inappropriate old like handbook thing they were like some halflings from a different planet and like it was it's uncomfortable to look at like wow this characterization so that's kind of where like the the black halflings name came from and uh yeah we basically we dive into uh like diversity

and and things like that in dungeons and dragons we talk a lot about uh like we do a lot of rules stuff as well um and just like how to make your game like richer do you know i mean like introduce more elements than just like uh eurocentric stuff because you know we've seen it we've done it a lot you know so let's have cool stuff from africa and uh you know like native uh american stuff or or uh asian like influences and things like that and uh we do a lot like safety tools as well like how to get around awkward stuff at the table and all that kind of thing but we recently the episode which i think will be out around this time uh we did a top five our favorite marvel movies we do a lot of nerdy stuff on there like we just sort of break down a lot of nerdy stuff we

we also weigh in on controversies so we were talking about ray fisher's uh complaints about joss whedon the other day we did the whole thing on that so you know it's a bit of something for everyone hopefully it's not just Dungeons & Dragons there. Cool. What makes you think that Dungeons & Dragons fans are just comic book nerds that want to hear anything about Marvel movies? It's a totally different audience. There's no, little to no crossover, I think.

I would say there, yeah, you're probably right. There isn't. It's a terrible show and I don't know why you're allowed to be on your network. Thank you. Thank you. If thank you that's like anything that's a reflection on you what a what a mean question and what and how well it worked i can't believe it damn it damn it i exposed myself please stop exposing yourself on the zoom oh yeah i also exposed myself. This whole time.

All right. Sweet. Thank you so much for coming on the show. And, yeah, for more of Jasper, check out his podcast, Three Black Halflings. Please do. Jake was on a few episodes, correct? I was on an episode, yeah, as was Caldwell. So, anybody that likes NADDPod is going to, at at the very least like those two episodes but

i think you're gonna like all of them and also we get so many questions about like um we just asked too you know like about dnd and i feel like jasper's podcast is a very good resource for that stuff yeah we can forward you all the dnd questions that we're not equipped to answer as well please please do please do we'll do an if i were you section on three black halflings oh my god that reminds me we did uh they played a game did i tell you this amir jasper made a game where he was quizzing his co-hosts um with a real line or a fake line from a jake and amir oh no yeah jasper do you have one of them yeah i still have them i have them right here actually uh they're on my on my notes so i i basically the idea was that uh it's like a

mini game type thing where you answer a bunch of questions and uh try and uh like it could be any question so once i'm like one of the topics was like sports or football or whatever and another one was Jake and Amir lines Wow finally something that I can do well in it's like it was like Jeopardy categories me okay did you have some of those lines to see if they're real or fake yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah here they Okay. I don't know which ones I didn't use, so I'll just go through some of these. So, winner, winner, chicken dinner. Oh, no, sorry.

Winner, winner, chicken chinner. Yeah, yeah. That one is for sure real, yeah. Or I eat winners for breakfast. I do remember Jake with a chin strap beard saying that first one winner winner chicken dinner yeah did people not know which one was just stupid enough to use i think there's only one that actually got the got the wrong way around there's a bunch that i didn't use so this would be this is a this is a fun this is a fun use of stuff that i've already come up with uh so um uh these cheese doors i want one

i will leave a door cheese i was hoping because the first one felt so stupid i'm like there's no way i ever said anything about doors and cheese and then the next one was also about doors and cheese now i'm like oh i guess i definitely said one of these things unfortunately um the second one i said the second one is the one that you said yeah i will uh i will leave a door cheese uh and i think jake you explained this was that it was it was a it was a play on a river dirt cheese yes oh yes i go Oh, yes. I go, Arrivador. Cheese? Oh, yeah.

See, this is that War Horse level shit where I'm talking about highbrow, interesting commentary about shit. This is it. Leaving a door as cheese, it kind of almost makes me think about what was going on in the world in late 2000s, pre-Ob pre-obama post john kerry

reaganomics it's reaganomics yeah ultimately it all comes back to reagan for us yeah uh amir you're making me feel left out because i don't know what you're talking about so if you could no you're right you're right sorry i apologize actually this came about though because i was i was telling jake that i found this i've got this weird thing now on youtube where your little patreon clips that you put up like those one minute things oh yeah like yeah like super addictive but like i've never listened i've never watched that much jake and amir and i haven't like i don't even like i'm not a patron but yet i find myself on like a loop watching these one minute clips of scenes that i've never seen of just you reacting to the seat

like it's so dumb that you've never seen like i'm like why am i still watching these videos i have no context for anything that's going on can we actually can you take that again where uh you say the same thing but then you say i'm a patron i'm a willing patron and i pay you guys actually i feel bad i'm gonna pay you guys 9.99 a month yeah i really get the bang for my buck that's what yeah i uh i put all of the money from uh three black halflings back into uh the jake and amir patreon all right great we got it i'll just edit that in that sounds perfect i've got one more really i got one more good one which which actually did get the wrong way around i think okay um so uh i'm crying tears of soy i'm beefing soy or those are two different oh okay

yeah no no that's one yeah and then or uh i'll soy me a river you beefy boy the second one is fake but it easily could have been used yeah i do remember when i was crying soy sauce for some reason on the show that's how salty my attitude was i was literally having tears that was soy sauce in one episode and that's it then multiple episodes i think oh really i don't oh wait maybe you actually cried soy sauce in one episode and then oh wait maybe the soy sauce thing was a call back to when you cry you say you're beefing yeah that's what it is okay i think i think for one year i was a kiko man so every time i would cry cum, it would always be a soy sauce. Wow.

When we talk about cumming soy sauce, that's when the episode really has to end. That's just painful. Yeah, it's salty. Yeah, crying is fine. Tears are salty anyway. It's the semen you want to get out of your dad. I'm just saying is fine. Yeah. Tears are salty anyway. Yeah. It's the semen you want to get. Okay. Okay. I'm just saying is all.

If you have your own questions or theme songs, the email address for everything is if I were you show. That was a horrible segue. At gmail.com. Open one. Remember that classic sting episode? That sting parody by Matthew. His closing one is by Doug.

And all he wants to plug is his Twitch, which is Dbrights, where he hangs out and streams video games every week. So if you like video games, you might like Doug. Yeah, I love Doug. And as Jasper told you, our Patreon, we're still making videos every week at patreon.com.ja. And for more D&D love,

check out Jasper's Three three black halflings we have a patreon too oh you have a patreon too what's the url for that uh it's just uh patreon.com forward slash tb halflings it's also where you can find us on all social medias as well if you want to follow us bingo halfling bingo bongo sweet thank you so much for coming by appreciate you for making the time thanks to you guys for listening we'll be back next week bye everybody whoa if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you show hosted by jake and amir they'll answer your questions take seat, no need to fear. Yo, his name is Jake Hurwitz, in the brotherhood they call him Herbitch, and he fucked his cousin at a house party. The point is that he gets invited to house parties. And he doesn't wear condoms, but there's no question that's beyond

him. Some call him Game Boy or the pinch. No matter what the question, he will never flinch. And next we got the chipmunk. He's jerking off to a LeBron dunk. I swear this dude lives in a goddamn willow tree. It's the only place big enough to store all his turdies, yo. But I gotta give a mad prop. scarfing down some cock meat on rosemary focaccia. I guess it's time to toss it back to these two Jews. That's right, I said it's time for If I Were You. That was a Hiddem Original. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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