Segments - 487: Naptime

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

In this episode we discuss Formula 1 racing, Instagram flirting, and what we think about when we think about sleeping.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice.

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I think I impressed her with my shirtless pick. She took me for a thousand bucks. I don't know what to do. I think I'll email too if I were you. Sick! Awesome. Huh. Yeah.

So, yeah, that was actually a Green Day parody of Time of Your Life, if you could believe it. Green Day's still got it. Yeah. I wanted to play that one because it's rare that we are actually better singers than the musicians that send in their theme songs. Really? It's rare, but I think we got this guy beat. You wanted to air that one for our bragging rights. Actually, the very first line where he says, load, I thought that was my voice.

I thought so too. I think he's at worst as bad as me. And at best as bad as me um let's see he said he had sent it before um but it got lost in our inboxes so he's updating the opening lyric to mention your brilliant new dating app shout out to orion shout out to avital's show anti-social distance and shout out to a lebron james rookie card from 2003 that recently sold for five and a half million dollars so five and a half million yeah or at least it's an actual card yeah it's not just an nft but that was luke pottage from england so thank you luke from england for that epic you think he was playing the guitar you can just download the guitar only and then sing over it

i mean you can definitely you can definitely get a karaoke track of that song, but I like to imagine, I think it sounded pretty well mixed. It didn't sound like he was doing that. I'm going to go on a limb and say that he played the guitar on that. Oh, wow. So he's a really good guitarist. I think what I'm going to try to do one time is submit a theme song and see if you recognize that it's me. Do you think you will?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. You think you'll definitely know my voice? Especially now that the gauntlet's been thrown. Yeah, I think I would definitely know your voice. 100%. I've heard you sing. What if I told you?

What if I told you that song was me interesting I would I'd accuse you of coming up with this hypothetical after the fact and it feels like you're trying to shoehorn it in reverse engineer a gotcha moment okay and I'm not gonna bite I'm not right all right all right you can relax you don't think you're on edge because i'm right maybe you are maybe you're not and i just don't want to give it away yet but yeah that wasn't that actually wasn't me no i wasn't actually but sometime in the next hundred theme song i'm gonna i'm gonna go for it and i'm to disguise my singing voice long enough, hard enough. Actually, I'll give you a taste right now just to show you my fucking range.

I'd rather you didn't. It's fine. I feel like, why are there so many pods about advice and what's on the other side? You were telling me you would know that that's me singing it. That is, there's no fucking way. Your Kermit meets Anthony Kiedis impression is a very familiar voice to me. I would have instantly picked that up. I like, I like, I like a podcast.

There's advice in the mother podcast. Can I get another golden mic something like that yeah yeah you're saying that you would know that i would definitely know that yeah yeah you want to try you want to try another theme song yeah uh okay um um trying to think of a singing voice that doesn't sound like my own like a pop like how about like a pop like justin timber like dirty pop you know yeah that's good yeah why you gotta talk about a podcast about these jews they're just two coy guys and they give advice to you that's not bad really that's not bad yeah all right okay so that's good now i know like the

genre to live in so like yeah but i don't want to give give me like a broadway no i don't want to like give too much away i just want to see if you can pull that off yeah i mean i guess like a famous show tune like um would be like um like a song from a musical basically and then I would just like figure out yeah exactly so like yeah and it could be any musical it could be any musical anyone anyone goes yeah um so like super famous musical that I know and could sing would be like a book of Mormon song or something like that. Okay. Yeah.

It would be like, Have you heard of the All-American Podcast? It's hosted by these two guys. It's not about a lot of stuff, but it's pretty good to hear. Yeah, they give good advice. Or advice or like yeah that one wasn't like i think the pop song is probably the closest the nearest one you can get away with that's it or i could do like a rap or something like you know my my really good drake impression like i could sneak that in there about like yeah like um it could be like a Drake song or something like that.

But yeah, I don't want to give that away. But like it could be like something like... I know when that advice show, you can only be one thing. These days all I do is wonder if I get a turdy for the pot. Well, it doesn't sound good without the music, obviously. Like even if you took drinks, it doesn't sound good.

Period. No. Yeah. But I'm saying if you took Drake's voice out of the song, out of the music, it also wouldn't sound good. It's been auto tuned to death. I guess.

I don't know. I think, I think he has a lot more natural talent than you yeah right man hey you're my wallet now yeah that's closer to your drink impression yo dude like you're my toilet you're in my posse man hey dude you're my toilet and you're my wallet now um all right enough futzing around we've had fun but it's time to get serious whoa is that milk in your swell i just took i saw you

took a sip and like when it when it came out it dribbled a lot of like almost was that milk that came down your mouth it's not milk it's cream yeah you're drinking it's like half that's a liter it's a liter of half and half or something. Yeah, the milkman stopped by this afternoon, so I'm just trying to, you know, guzzle down the cream. Jesus. You have to refrigerate it first, I assume. If you don't have room in the fridge,

you just kind of chug it so it doesn't go to waste. Okay, I guess I'm not going to tell you. Milkman, please. Nice. Milkman, please. That could be your song for when you do it. A glass of your least expired pod. I have advice show here.

That's good. That's good. From 2007. I know the song so much better than the videos to the point where I feel like we scripted the song. I feel like I remember watching that video one time and you just said, Milkman, please. I'm like, what? He's not singing. That's bizarre. Yeah, we know the song more than the actual video now. Same with

yams. Yeah, definitely same with yams. Alright, this is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by these two guys. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. We got some interesting questions today. Always real questions from real people. Send them on down too.

Yeah. These were sent too. And you can too, ifirewshow at gmail.com. We got emails. we got songs, and why don't we start with this kind of innocuous one. Okay. Hi, boys. The other day, oh, wait, fake guy's name.

We'll call this guy Ricky Martin. Cool. The other day, you boys were talking about the power of naps, and I took your advice. I was pretty gacked up at 5 p.m., and I decided to lay my head down to rest. I closed my eyes and nothing. I just lay there dead awake for 15 minutes

until my alarm went up, and I got up more tired than ever. I didn't even get close what do you boys think about when you're trying to fall asleep i've tried loads of things from counting sheep to folding a piece of paper origami style or otherwise and in my mind nothing works i'd give anything to be able to nap thanks boys love ricky martin ricky he's in a good nap podcast Nap. Thanks, boys. Love, Ricky Martin. Ricky. He's in a good nap podcast. White goes to Koi Jews.

They talk about money. Or something like that. Would you know that that was me? At this point, yeah. Right. I mean, it's you. There's so much Am mere interference in every genre. Living la vida turdy. He's living la vida turdy.

You suck the air out of the room. Yeah. You made Ricky Martin you. How fucked up is that? Ricky Martin, the hottest guy, is now not because of that impression. When Jill was a kid, she met Ricky Martin. How funny is that? That was the peak of Ricky Martin.

Actually, he's making kind of a comeback. I don't know if you've been seeing some photos of him. The Latin explosion. Yeah. Ricky Martin. Mark Anthony. Yeah, Iglesias. Yeah.

Carlos Santana. Are you kidding me Cristiano Ronaldo it was just the summer of Portugal Ronaldo's still the goat really alright sorry about that he still plays yeah do you

when you're tired do you have to think of something do you actively think let me think about something or do you just sort of drift to wherever your mind leads you there's definitely an like there's a different strategy for napping than there is going to bed going to bed it's i don't i don't really need to think about anything i usually like read a little bit and then i like to think about some like ethereal event sometime far in the future that i'm like hopeful for as i'm falling asleep oh interesting like it's it's a little like tranquil and there's not actually like you know you're not thinking about the next day where

you're actually your brain's like turning and planning and stuff i just like think about like some make-believe uh vacation with my family or something and i and i sort of like fall asleep interesting i always think about i usually try to think about the past so it's the exact opposite it's not the future it's like what's a carefree time in my past and like you could just sort of choose a snapshot like me driving to las vegas when i was 19 me playing in a pool when i was 12 me doing whatever playing basketball when i was 23 and like oh by the time i finished that thought is i'm usually so tired i fall asleep it's interesting that these there are different directions in time but a very similar like ethos and you and i've never discussed it

yeah you're you're constantly trying to conjure happiness yeah exactly i don't want to like think about like oh no i haven't submitted my tax information yet what's the opposite of that oh it's playing in a pool in elementary school and then i wake up disappointed here i am a 38 year old that didn't write down what my expenses were against this income and my accountant's breathing down my fucking neck i'm sorry what about naps naps i only take when i'm i i feel like a very specific type of tired that i know i'm gonna fall asleep like if i'm just like kind of tired i can't force myself to fall asleep but like if i'm like dozing off they're like the heavy type of tired where like something went terribly wrong last night and now i'm like literally almost passing out in my

seat then i could do the same thing i'm thinking about you know some nice day or moment or snapshot flash bulb memory in my past and i can usually pass out and honestly for naps for me it's not like a two-hour thing it's like as long as i like can doze off and like it's almost like on a hot day when you like pour cold water on your face it's like that quick for me it's just a it's a quick reboot it's not a full power down it's a restart yeah it's a restart and you you really only need enough to get you going to the end of the day you're not getting a full night's sleep in a nap you can't make up four hours in a nap no it's something i feel like i use naps more when i'm like traveling when you

and i are on the road sometimes if i have like if i know i have to do something in the evening or at night i like even if i'm not that tired that's when i try to force myself to take a nap i'm just like i'm a little a little sleepy the idea of staying up till midnight's not that exciting to me right now i think that means i need a little power nap power down um the way i the way i nap is i usually uh think about being really really heavy and and really, really tired. And that's it. Oh, interesting. So you're actively thinking about your exhaustion. Yeah, yeah. And are you doing it in a bed or on a couch? Usually in a bed.

Usually in a bed. I've done couch before. I can fuck with couch. That's kind of key. I also don't think that you really need to fall asleep like if you lie down for 20 minutes and sometimes like you know sometimes it does take me like the entire time to fall asleep and at the end i basically just blink and i'm like oh did i fall asleep like oh i guess it's it's 15 minutes later so so I must have. Yeah. You drift off.

That's really all that. I feel like that's all that matters to me. Also, I think a big nap no-no is going to, like falling asleep in the light and waking up when it's dark. That really fucks me up. Then I'm just like. Yeah, we've over-napped. Yeah, disoriented.

You basically fall into REM yeah and you're like oh i'm i'm waking up it's 7 30 and i'm dead tired like i like yeah because your body's convinced like you're just waking up at 2 15 a.m to pee but it's actually like 8 p.m and you have to go eat dinner it's really disorienting so your body is like keep the eyes on blurry keep the eyes on blurry you're not up you're not up it's okay just go pop a squat on the toilet are you standing for the middle of the night pee naps are you sitting sorry middle of the night pp sessions not p naps the p sesh the middle of the night p sesh uh that's a sit down that's a sit down for sure yeah yeah same i mean i'm peeing i'm peeing sitting down most of the time just because you know i'm i think i've spoken about this before i don't want to like stand over miss move the

toilet seat up down i'm just gonna take a seat look at my phone piss and then get up but in the middle of the night for like what are you gonna turn on the light make sure you're aiming correctly it's it's not worth it i don't think no not in the dark i mean sometimes if i feel like i've gone into a bathroom that was like light in the middle of the night and stood to pee but that's not a common occurrence for sure well i was listening to a podcast recently shout out to the no dunks podcast and one of the guys there lee sits on the toilet AC Slater style when he's peeing in the middle of the night. It's almost like he has his elbows on the septic tank. It's almost like a secondary bed. And he's like, it's good because you don't have to turn around, you just walk into it that's really interesting it it seems like you have to hit more of a crouch though like i feel like that would make my legs the muscles in my leg activate and like kind of wake up you're

like doing a squat yeah also if you're i don't pee naked because if you're peeing in the middle of the night i can't pee and then like walk back naked there's going to be invariable like drops that just hit the floor on the way to the bed i do i sleep naked so like what do you do you just make sure you shake it out to a hundred percent completion you can't afford like a random stray drop or two in the bed or on the way to back yeah i mean you give it i think uh i mean pardon the graphic nature of this but you give it, I think, I mean, pardon the graphic nature of this, but you give it one firm flick at the end. That's probably pretty good. You should not sleep naked. You need to sleep in underwear.

I've been talking to Jill about that. It's just too much because it's, yeah, you have to make sure that some part of you is tucked away. In the winter, I do. I think, yeah, summertime, I don't like to wear clothes that's too hot. I think you should wear, I think, let me see what you look like. Why have you been talking to Jill about this? Why have you been talking to Jill about this?

Did she initiate that conversation? She did not. Is she even responding? She's not. She doesn't have to respond. Because I'm saying if you agree with me, just ignore me and let me wax. Let me vamp a little bit. Lose my wife's number.

Lose her cell phone number. I'd appreciate that. I couldn't. I could delete the contact, but it would still be in the phone. And I've committed to memory. You realize how difficult it'll take? It's long term. I won't just forget that.

It's like my childhood phone number. It's just in my brain forever. Yeah. Great. All right. So Jake says think of the future i say think of the past the answer is always somewhere in between think about the exact present um three different options for you i'm sure you i'm sure you'll kill it next nap let us know how it goes uh all right let's take a break. Thanks to the sponsors. Come back and answer some more questions after these messages. Yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming gross yeah you know what i think i do um at the very least i'm gonna recommend watching the formula one documentary series that i've been watching on Netflix called drive to survive formula one drive to survive um second piece of unsolicited advice and I've only done this for one week now but I watched a formula one race I watched car racing on ESPN. How's that for weird? Now, there's NASCAR, which is like stock car going around in a track over and over in a loop. And then there's like one that goes through city streets on those really long cars, right? Yeah, that's Formula One.

So Formula One is literally they shut down a city and they race. Is it those really long long like thin cars that are racing or am i thinking of something else yeah yeah it's the form it's the formula one car is like the weird little batmobile looking like thing and they make they build tracks like in these cities and it i don't know that much about formula one because i've only watched uh the documentary in one race but of course like every week they're in a new city like they were in or they're yeah they're in like they go to seven continents or five continents uh in a season um i think there's something like 21 races there every week

so like there's the bahrain grand prix and last week i watched the uh the portugal brand grand prix next week is the Spanish Grand Prix. Wow. I believe you and I one time were at JFL just for laughs in Montreal for the Montreal Grand Prix. We were. They were doing a comedy festival and a Formula One race at the same time. Yeah. And I remember being stranded on one side of the Formula One track and not being able to get back to the hotel.

And then, okay. So, so yeah. How long are these races? Like, is it laps throughout a city street or is it like a 41 mile route that takes like 20 minutes? It's laps around a city street. Like I think the race I watched was 66 laps. Wow. But it's not just like the circle track, like each circuit. It's like Mario Kart. Each one is like a different layout. And they're actually like making left and rights at intersections, but there's no traffic lights.

Like it's that level of actual streets. From what I saw, like they're they're completely like barricaded they like close down all these streets it's not like they just have like it's not like a parade route these cars are going like 200 miles per hour so they like they build the nascar style like walls and tracks and stuff right so it doesn't but yeah you are they are like going down streets in the city wow and okay and who's considered like the goat f1 driver is that like michael schumacher and lewis hamilton or something um i lewis hamilton is uh is i think the number one guy um he's the one that won the race on sunday i think he's like uh the best guy out there he also drives for mercedes which is like the best car

there's like mercedes and ferrari are the two top ones and then everybody else is just sort of trying to keep up red bull's up there though i think i i remember once driving around it was either like new york or new jersey and i accidentally entered one of these races with like uh i think i had a jetta and i finished i want to say third if that's even possible like i i i made a wrong turn no i made a wrong turn and i was like holy And I was like, and then you decided to start. It was a Passat, actually, now that I'm thinking about it. Your competitive drive kicked in, and you decided to race. Yeah.

And I was going so fucking fast. You wandered on by accident, and then decided that you wanted to place, and then you raced your heart out, and you got third place in a Jetta. I didn't win, but yeah, I finished third or fourth in a Jetta or a Passat or something like that. You got on a podium and i don't think that's possible i really think i spilled milk all over myself in some sort of weird celebration um so the the documentary was so good it inspired you to watch the race

and now do you think you're all in or you think that was like that was enough for you i want to watch this sunday it combines a lot of things that I like. I like international travel. So it's fun to see shots of different cities. It did that thing that Hard Knocks does when you watch the documentary of whatever NFL team HBO chooses. And you start to know the people and like them. So they just did really nice profiles on people. Uh, and,

and you're like, Oh, now I'm like familiar with this guy and I am rooting for him. So I'm going to watch the race. And normally that's like, you have no concept of who's in the car, but I like recognize the names and I, uh,

was picturing them. So do you have a favorite? Um, I don't think so. It's too, it's too early. was picturing them. So do you have a favorite? I don't think so. It's too early. I like Daniel Ricciardo though. He's an Australian dude from Perth and I just have a soft spot in my heart for Perth. And then how long did it take?

Like what channel was it on and how long were you watching this thing? It was on ESPN. It was on for like an hour wow and it was over in an hour you just watched an hour's worth yeah over it was over in an hour there's like a bunch of i think there's like in the weekend there's like qualifying and there's all that stuff i can't imagine that i would really get into that maybe i would um but yeah then it's over in an hour wow i wonder if we can gamble on this kind of stuff do you have like

i know you haven't been watching long, but do you have any feel? Like if I pull up some of the odds for the Spanish Grand Prix, I can look up, maybe you have an edge over the house. Is that possible? Yeah, you know, I think that Max Verstappen from Red Bull. Yeah. He has a competitor's heart.

He's not going to lose. Shit. Okay. I just put $1,000 ongio perez he's plus 550 so that would get us 5500 if he either wins or finish seconds in the um god i want to say it's the 2021 emilia romagna he's not racing this weekend so he pulled out so you can if you refresh the page that money will be that money is gone that money's gone i can shift it over to lando norris but i'm kind of worried he seems kind of like a long shot i've

heard good things about norris what car is he in uh it doesn't say but i could put my last 5 000 on him and if it hits it's 33 to 1 so that's like a pretty good odds awesome all right i did it push in oh cool oh god now i'm nervous about the race on saturday what if he doesn't yeah he was he was disqualified so i don't think he's gonna be um yeah they got they got him for like fucking with the engine why was he on the thing then if he was fucking with the engine i shouldn't be able to put some money on see if you lost that it's gone it says it was a loss DQ, an instant loss for that. This is so fucking insane. I guess I'll put my last 100 bucks on this 500 to 1.

Do you know Mick Schumacher? I guess he's related to Michael Schumacher or something, but I'm kind of worried. Yeah, his uncle or his dad was a famous, and now they sort of gave him a car. Yeah, he died in a crash in 2018 did you already put the money on him i don't know what site you're on yeah oh shit i'm on a site called guys who fucked with their engines and died you get to like kind of throw your money away throwing

bad money after good so according to this lewis hamilton has a 50 chance of winning he's that much better than the entire than the rest of the field. Yeah. I think there's basically two or three guys that win every single time. And everyone else is trying so hard to keep up with the best drivers and the best cars. And they just really can't come close. The documentary is a little heartbreaking. You're just watching everybody try their fucking best. And it's just like uh no mercedes mercedes mercedes that's

probably not fair that he gets the best car like i bet if lewis lewis hamilton drove my car he wouldn't be able to win yeah yeah absolutely but if he like rolled in with a fucking i think that's part of the formula like they're everyone is like building their own car that's so weird i wonder like how much of it has to do with the equipment i think a fuck ton like their uh mercedes and ferraris have like the most money and have the best cars that's so weird so it's like yeah i wonder if it's 50 guy 50 car like if you gave his car to somebody else they'd do a lot better yeah i mean i think that the those those like top drivers are at the top cars for a reason i bet but again i've only been into it for a week so i don't entirely

know do you know how old to learn do you know how old lewis hamilton is um i think they're all pretty young i'm gonna guess 26 he's 36 oh wow that's older than i thought yeah i wonder if you can first happen is like 23 jesus i wonder how much of it is physical too like once you turn 36 is it hard to drive fast or it's like they're all in good enough shape is lewis hamilton just going to continue to be the best because he's 36 yeah i guess i mean there must be things that um break down as you get older that aren't just like your physical strength like your eyesight your reflection your reflexes uh probably your like risk tolerance as you like get married have children and stuff i don't you don't want to hurt yourself wow yeah lewis samuelson looks pretty cool

too yeah he's kind of hot did you did you see ford versus ferrari i did yeah i'll see anything matt damon does is it this is it formula one um not quite i think ford versus ferrari is about that's one of those like super long road races that's like le monde in france which actually marika is into she she and i were texting about formula one the other day she was watching how oh i don't know i don't know what is what has happened but and like why it's in the ether but me and marika were are both getting into racing that's so funny there's a formula one race in texas actually um in october so really if we can plan like uh an austin show i'd be able to go not really formula one but yeah i've been playing mario kart i wonder if there's like some correlation between how good i am at that versus like you don't think it translates in

any way because like drifting and like when i'm on like mount wario lewis hamilton is like only two years younger than you i was just thinking because i'm 38 right and he's yeah 36 or some shit i bet he can't like navigate rainbow road like i can and i feel like if i'm if i can kill he honestly won't then i get because he like knows how to navigate like the the grand prix in monaco so i don't know how to hold the steering wheel but like if we can get it as like uh this power controller yeah you dropped it oh fuck i stubbed my toe you think there's brakes in the car too yes or is it just like a gas situation this is why you shouldn't compete i just can't drive stick you're already in the jumpsuit

i have a helmet but i don't know how to use a clutch in the clutch i can sort of fake it on the day if you have an automatic this is this should be the next iteration of jake and amir just you in like really grand dumb situations and i'm not there i'm wearing a leather fucking jumpsuit i kind of want to watch this now it says uh there's a portugal race recap seven minutes long maybe i'll i'll try to get into it too. What's the, what's the documentary called? Formula one drive to survive. All right, cool.

I actually have heard that that's good regardless of whether you like car racing or not. Yeah, that was, I mean, that was why we like Jill watched it. Wow. That's cool.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I just, I have the need for speed and I'm wondering if it's innate within me. I don't know. I just, I have the need for speed and I'm wondering if it's innate within me. I don't know how to park. Yeah, you don't.

Do they park at the end? I mean, they have to park going like 90 miles per hour between 20 people to pit and get the tires changed. Yeah. Yeah, there's a parking, because precision is involved. you don't have that i don't have it yet but i could change my middle name to carl like lewis so lewis carl hamilton oh yeah that's really good actually i didn't even think about that. Okay. All right. You gave me a lot of food for thought. And I appreciate that. Let's take one more break because I want to answer more

questions on the other side of these messages. Tight. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer

support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change,

but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's notters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Mmm. Then get a smallouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the five dollar meal deal today. P prices and participation may vary for a limited time only and we're back uh all right we got a question a little more salacious than about fucking napping let's turn this shit up to nc17 rated wow yeah okay yeah let's do it. What's the name of your Formula One racer? Not Lewis Hamilton, the other guy. Oh, Daniel Ricciardo? Yeah, Daniel Ricciardo. Let's call this guy

Daniel Ricciardo writes, What's up, Josh and Amir? Long time listener, first time typer. For the past 18 months, I've been working in the same department with this married lady. Eight years my junior. We've both been both married, but sharing lots in common due to how close we grew up. She has been an easy girl to get along with.

We both share a bus route to work and spent most of this time either talking work, life, or the flavor of the day. This led to me a few months back explaining my confusion to her of being added to a close friend story on Instagram of a new acquaintance. I remember her saying that she didn't have this set up, and we move on to tonight when I open the IG and see the green circle of trust surrounded her profile picture. As I clicked on this, I was greeted with a black lace push-up booby pick with a bitten lip this came as a surprise although we have been friendly and flirted previously i never got the impression

of lust from her and considering the lack of contact over the last month due to remote working i'm confused on how to react my first thoughts are this was not intended for me and i have been accidentally added to a close friends list and should i tell her that she sent me that do i react at all and see if something like this happens again what would you do in my situation regards daniel ricardo oh wow so dan on instagram stories you can post and have everybody who wants to see it can see it. Or you can post with a close friends only. It shows a little green circle around your profile pic.

And only people that you deem to be close friends can view it. And it's always, you know, exciting when I see a green circle. It's like, ooh, somebody trusted me to view this. And sometimes it's just like a normal story. And it's like, oh, you didn't have to make it so secretive to do that but this lady put a sexy photo up right after they had discussed what close friends only meant and he doesn't know how many close friends she has it could only be him yeah i feel like at the very least that this should be framed in your mind as she did it by on purpose like it's it's not like that much of a slip of the finger to add you to a close friends list and take a sexy photo

and and send that yeah i mean the most the most innocuous version of this is she said oh what's close friends only he explained it to her and then she's like oh that's cool i'll try it myself and then she posted a sexy photo and either added him by accident or as on purpose as part of the whoever is close friends with me can see this sexy photo but that's probably not the case yeah it seems like she came on to you yeah but i mean what can you what do you do about that it's not his fault i swear i just clicked on the green circle you can't get mad at me i think so while you're confused there's not like there's not really any benefit to clearing it up right like if it was a mistake

then talking to her is going to be embarrassing if she did it on purpose then she's trying to have an extramarital affair with you so either way as long as you're being a a good spouse and you're not planning on cheating on your wife, I think just ignore it and pretend it never happened. Okay, so you ignore it. You want to be a good person. Let's pretend for a second the next day that green circle comes back. If you are a true man and an honest lover, do you click on the green circle again?

Yes, I would. If it please you. If it happens again, if it happens again, then you can kind of be like, we should talk about this or we should not do this or that's not how I want the relationship or whatever. But I also kind of have a theory that he's a little into it. Yeah, of course.

Even if you'd never thought of her like that, it's an exciting thing to see the green circle at all. And then it's like a racy photo. And then it appears again. You have to look again just to see if the first one was an accident, right? And if it's not an accident, then the third time you have to watch again just to confirm that the first two were true. You're horny, man. And if it should be a fourth time i mean like this is the final nail in the coffin to make absolutely sure time is the charm they say that's why i had to click on it

but at a certain point you're playing with fire and you have to, you have to know that. I think right now there's just, there's a little bit of smoke and you don't have to like stoke the flames. You don't have to be like, Ooh, what was that? You know, you don't have like, just err on the side of like, maybe it was a mistake. She doesn't know, or maybe she noticed and doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know. I think that's just what I would do. Let it lie and wait and collect more information.

I mean, there's nothing that will ruin this moment faster than bringing it up IRL in the morning on the way to work on a bus. On a bus in a mask. I don't know if you know, but I pretty much saw your close friends thing with the laciness and you're biting your lip you drop your phone oh fuck we shouldn't sit right above the tire is all but yeah basically i got to see as my lace your grace this is him practicing on an old lady it's not even the girl that she has a crush on not as a crush on i don't have a crush on her she's whatever she's just a work friend eight years my junior also married it's fine we just get along talk about the flavors of the week

yeah we get along because we both grew up and we just we grew up near each other and we just get each other that's all not like my freaking wife your flirtations with her and you uh secretly love her i think uh yeah so i mean if you want to nip it in the butt you can unfollow you can just not watch the close friends it's hard to resist the urge of the green circle i'll watch a green circle of somebody i barely even know just because it's like, Ooh, what sort of information does this person trust me with? Yeah,

that's true. Have you ever posted? Have you ever used it? On close friends? Yeah. Yeah. You're, you didn't,

you never saw mine? I don't, when I click on yours, it just says you don't have anything. You know, it says you don't post. Actually, it says I can't even see your account right now. I didn't know you went private.

Yeah, I posted my close friends all the time. Actually, I was posting a little bit during the podcast, just like cheeky little screenshots of you. Like, this sucks. Can't believe I have to record with this guy. LOL. That type of shit. It's funny.

People react to that. It says this person has not allowed you to view your close friends because he's not a close friend it says if you want you could see his wikipedia page but he'd prefer it if you didn't because he's not a close friend oh i think i i did something i edited my profile um and the settings just so kind of you would get a specific hurtful message, for lack of a better word. Yeah. Shit. This has been...

Oh, I see one. It has a red circle around it. This is unique. Oh, yeah. That one's only for you. Yeah. Yeah. It's you flipping me off, giving me the bird.

So they added a feature you have you have like post to everyone post your story post your close friends or post to somebody you hate my own only my enemies you have an only enemies for me and i have to pay you five dollars a month to see your vitriol and hate that's right This is so fucked up. All right. That's it. Don't play with fire. Proceed lightly. Tread with caution.

We need to follow. We truly need to follow up, pup. We need. We have not had enough information on this. As I say, my advice is do nothing. Collect more info. Collect more data. But then share it with us and let us know.

Yeah, i could say like take a take a screen grab we want to see like what these pictures even look like because he might not even be describing it he said it's lacy okay he said it's race hell man you're but you're horny for a close friend's photo actually phone stranger's phone. Hold on a second. There's so much. There's a little thumbnail of him in the email, and maybe he's looking at it. And you think maybe he's holding his phone open in the photo? I don't think so. Oh, it's kind of, it's low res, but it's kind of hot.

Let me send this shit to you. Stop it. No. He's playing Pokemon Go in it, but you can sort of see his phone in the background. You can only imagine that he has access to the close friend i remember tweeting or maybe asking jokingly what's the smallest thumbnail anyone's ever gotten off to so like a picture an instagram biopic or um maybe a search on a different website where it shows it to you like 50 pixels by 50 pixels.

Small enough, but you can just make out just enough. Yeah. I'm certain. I'm certainly that. My OnlyFans biopic. People have gotten off to some banner ads before, for sure. Yeah. I mean, banner ads can be pretty delicious.

When porn banner ads started to become GIFs, that was a real game changer. HD GIFs, that was a real game changer. HD GIFs, too. Porn banner ads are basically 10 times hotter than porn was 20 years ago. Just the ads. Absolutely. Actually, I might be able to put one of those banner ads on our website, jakeandamir.com. I wouldn't.

We could make some. I wouldn't. This one's pretty tasteful. I actually don't think we would make that much money, by the way. JakeandtheMirror.com is not a highly trafficked website. So please don't put a banner ad on it for porn. Well, what if we make five cents per click? That's nothing.

I guess that's the only way anyone's going to click banner ads on our website. So you know what? Fuck it. Go for it. Thank you. I needed that. Go ahead. All right,

cool. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, please send them on down to if I were you show at gmail.com. We're still making weekly videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J a. We just made our first animated sketch on there. Fucking right.

We did. It's an animated series. We're calling stuck about two blokes who are stuck together in different scenarios. Yeah, the first episode was Jake climbing Mount Everest and I stroll into his tent. So we're stuck in that capacity. But who knows what the future will hold? We're going to be writing and making a lot of these. And shout out to the goat, Jacob Strunk, who's animated our podcast. In the past, we commissioned him to animate these short little sketches.

So thanks for everyone that's checked that out as well. Yeah, check it out. The opening theme song was Luke from England, not me. And this closing one is also not me. But, you know, just know that I'm starting to percolate and think about what my theme song could be. This one was by Patrick. In the next two years, it might happen.

This one was written and performed and sent to us back in 2013, but the attachment didn't go through. So he re-sent it three hours ago. That's insane. Yeah. He says the references are a little bit older, but he would resend it. He's serving overseas in

Israel. Shalom. And he's been a longtime fan. And give a shout out to my brothers, Michael and Ryan, who are Day One listeners. Evidently Day One listeners, if you sent a theme song in 2013. Hell yeah. Todah. Eight years ago. Yes. So thank you, Patrick. Thank you you luke thanks to you guys for

listening and of course we'll be back next week ciao everybody hey hello mama let me whisper in your ear it It's the podcast show with Jake and Amir. Sticky situation, tell him how you feel. You like this episode, things kind of got real. So you do you, listen to what they say. Just don't put Jake on blast on a Wednesday. Wait till you see it's my cheese. Just wait till you see it's my cheese.

Wait till you see it's my cheese. Just wait till you see it's my cheese. Wait till you see my cheese. Just wait till you see my cheese. That was a Hiddem original. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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