Segments - 488: Playstation

Episode Date: May 17, 2021

In this episode we discuss selling gifts, owning "Jake and Amir," and the ghosts of ghosting past.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Forgive when I don't pay for Patreon. Everything Jake said came true. In the end, he bested you. Even though as they all know, you'll get the dirty. One, two, three, four.

Yeah. You know that one one don't you a little prick yeah that is sorry what's with the no i was like aggression negativity to kick off i tried to make it like playful like oh you know that one you little bastard don't you like in a way that's like i'm tickling you you little even even that even you trying to qualify what you did at first sounded nasty it sounded spiteful it sounded vitriolic and hateful if i'm being honest it feels like you have pent-up aggression and anger that you're trying to get out no no let's start let's start over let's pretend like the song just ended. Wow. Okay. I love that. You love that, you little piece of shit? I bet you do, you fucking basic ass,

shoogie little bitch. Excuse me? No, I was like... I thought you went in even harder. For those of you listening now, we already took that... It's been twice. I think I edited the first one out.

I hope. Yeah. Hopefully you don't even hear this because let's just start over. At this point, I hope you left it in because the second one makes a little more sense in context edited the first one out. I hope. Hopefully you don't even hear this, because let's just start over. At this point, I hope you left it in, because the second one makes a little more sense in context of the first. Otherwise, you went in really hard. I love that.

Okay, well, now you started it over, and I didn't even know any words. All right, starting that. Ready? Whoa, Blink-182. Very nice. Hoppa style. Love that. Hoppa style. Love that. Hoppa style.

What do you think of that, you little motherfucker? I don't. You suck. Okay. You suck. You clearly have something. You have a vendetta against me for something. No, I was trying to be like, all right, if you guys are listening.

You were trying to be anything. The reason why this is so loaded, even though it feels like it's just starting is because we've actually taken this intro fucking i want to say three or four times at this point yeah we've taken it a lot of times and i'm like that's why i'm trying to flip a switch and just be positive and cool every single time and it feels like it feels like every time you get the restart you decide that you want to be even yeah and i don't even feel like i'm mad like it's almost like i repressed a memory or some shit that's coming up why don't we try just yell at me right now if you want to call me a piece of shit call me a prick call me a little asshole call me a dickling fucker okay go ahead well now that

you're saying that i can't i'm like basically yeah you suck me a dickling fucker okay go ahead well now that you're saying that i can i'm like basically yeah you suck you little dickling fucker fuck you you little asshole now like it doesn't feel like anything that felt like it was starting to get somewhere for you i fucking hate you you piece of shit what the fuck is your problem you suck you like blink 182 who the fuck likes them grow up you immature little all right that's all good actually okay nice ready that did let's play it let's not jump right into it because that hurt my feelings and i need to recover for a second opa hop is style i love that song do you know that song do you know what that was a parody of why are you upset dude

why are you upset that was the first time we heard it and we're getting right into this show no i liked it i really i like that i feel like at this point you have to leave all of the you have to leave all of the vitriol hey we're starting because otherwise it won't make sense why i'm feeling dejected this is the top ofed. This is the top of the show. This is the top of the show. This is the top of the show. Opa Hoppa style. Exactly. That was a parody of online songs, which I have not even heard of before. Do you know that one? Yes, I believe it is track two of Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. Don't quote me on that, but I know that it's Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. And this was from the 90s. So like, what did online songs mean then? No, no, no.

This is from 2000, like two or three, whenever take off your pants and jacket came. Right. Oh, okay. So online songs back then was like Napster, Kazaa and stuff like that. That would have been AOL. Like, I think you're, I think he says, I feel like he says something about away messages and I ams and stuff in there. Damn.

For those of you under the age of like 25 used to be online so much that you needed an answering machine when you weren't at your computer, but still online. And it said like, Hey, I'm folding laundry BRB as an auto response. If somebody sent you a, you an AIM thing, which is basically a text message.

You want it to be on your computer. You want it to be available all the time, but we didn't have smartphones. So we had to leave the computer online but throw up a message just so you didn't miss anything. Exactly. That was the vibe. But now you don't need an away message

because you're always there. Because your computer. Always present. Right, your computer computer right your computer is on your make you feel fucking tense as hell oh i'm always available i love it yeah i want to throw up an away message i want a fucking i want an away message now hold on we're getting we're getting some slack messages we have to respond to i'm away we're getting some yeah hold on exactly we're getting slack i'm actually going to text you this slack. Message boards, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Let me send this to you as an email. Other email.

And we can loop back. I can't fucking speak it anymore, man. Yeah, no, I can talk. Of course you are. Slack me. Fuck. Slack me. Shit.

I'm actually, my dad's calling me in addition to this. In addition, yeah. On Skype. And I just got a Venmo request. I am so online. This is awesome. Hold on one second. i just got a venmo request i am so online this is awesome hold on one second i've got mail yeah this is so cool last night i saw you online your screen your screen name used to be mine why can't we just pretend that's it your screen name used to be

mine they switched in three names that's seems really problematic i feel like hoppus couldn't have understood the you know the purpose of a screen name or something when he wrote that. That would have been so intense in eighth grade to switch screen names with your crush. That would be like the ultimate invasion of privacy. Me and my eighth grade girlfriend hid a little message in our screen name. Really? hit a little message in our screen name really my my screen name had the number 38 in it and that was uh her initials were ch the third letter of the alphabet and the eighth that's really cool man it's not just cool it's more than cool it's less than romantic it's beautiful it's actually

really fucking deep and touching the guy yeah i was gonna say the guy that wrote the song uh his wife and him are in a band called the cane breakers and they recently released a few songs which is actually cool and romantic all you did was give kind of like also cool and put like a creepy little nod to a girl in your fucking screen name uh they also released a few songs under her name cameron clements all of which can be found on apple music or spotify thank you love taylor clements nice oh wait thank you p.s online songs is one of my favorite lines from the early 2000s last night i saw you online your screen name used to be mine why can't we just pretend so there you go he loved it

too wow that's wild that is pretty wild um this also this song also featured a really nice uh na-na like um cadence uh this was even before uh na-na-na-na-na-na-na no no this was after they're trying to recreate that match i see see. With Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. Yeah. Oh, this is after that. Yeah. This is after. No, this is from Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, you said.

Oh, right. Sorry. It's after Enema of the State. The famous na-na was all the small things. I see. And they're like, let's bring it back. People will be like, oh, remember that from their other songs. Well, they should have said. This album was also released in 2001. I see. And they're like, let's bring it back. People will be like, oh, remember that from their other songs. Well, they should have said...

This album was also released in 2001, I see. I said they should have said na-na-na-na-na-na to using that riff again. Come up with new shit. Nice. What have you ever done?

Oh, I was going to say on our Patreon, you can watch us watch Jake and Amir videos. for being a cute little boyfriend in eighth grade. We're watching our old episodes on our Patreon, so... watch us watch Jake and Amir videos. Aside from making fun of me for being a cute little boyfriend in eighth grade. We're watching our old episodes on our Patreon. Speaking of our old episodes.

Yeah? They're our episodes. I don't know that we talked about that on pod. I think we have. Have we not? No, we have not. I don't think. Really?

I'm not sure. Just on our Patreon. Wow. I don't know what we talked about on our Patreon, but Jake and Amir is now owned by Jake and Amir. Yeah. And we got, you know, half-baked plans about what to do with them, but nothing is fully formed, obviously. Like, people are asking us, are you going to make new videos?

Are you going to move the old videos? Are they going to still live on collegehumor.com? Are you going to put them behind a paywall? And it's like yeah we are gonna charge four dollars per view we're gonna put them in we're gonna put fucking jake and amir videos in the vault if you want to watch you're gonna have to pay me cash for that okay which one's burp um the one where you try to burp and you throw up on yourself it's it's really all time. We should charge. We'll turn them into a non-fungible token. You burping will cost one million, but we'll come up with our own currency.

Crypto. Yeah. I see. It'll cost one million gullies. Okay. Oh, that's really good. So how much is a gully going for? A gully is worth one eighth of one cent.

So that's pretty cheap. Okay. But a million of them. People buy gullies with U.S. dollars on some sort of exchange. Well, you can exchange them for your Ethereum, your Rai blocks, your Tron, your Doge, if you will. You're vaguely familiar with this shit. You're trying to come up with a game plan. But you don't know what half these things are. You can PayPal me and you become leron how's that what does that paypal me one rye block and you actually

are leron now i can do people i have that authority these are my fucking people can't paypal these are my videos and you don't own shit you're definitely it wouldn't make me a fictional cousin to fucking figure out a way to send you this altcoin you accidentally bought four years ago that may or may not exist anymore by the way i don't know if you yeah i don't know if you call it all in on rye blocks i know i know you did and i'm afraid it's not there anymore and people definitely can't paypal them to you and if they, it doesn't make them my cousin in the web series. So you don't get to come up with a game plan anymore. Okay.

Well, if anybody has any ideas of what we should do, please let us know. Our plan, or at least my plan for right now, is finding a way to put them all in one place so everyone could watch them. We will not put them behind a paywall. That's good. Okay, that's nice. Yes, I want them to be, it's a free and open and-

Democracy. Yeah, that's right. That's right. And we've been able to make some occasional videos in the past few years. By asking for permission. We always had to ask for permission. Yeah, and this way we'll be like hey

we want to make a video we can just do it right away so there's less of a barrier to entry so that'll be fun too yeah we could have made if we had done this a little bit earlier we could have made a march madness video which i i can't i already can't wait for next year you know fuck that's gonna be um okay but yeah just just know that we do have the content now. The IP is back in our names, as our names. And we hope to do something cool with it as soon as possible. And I'm sure as soon as we figure out a plan, we'll let you guys know. Yeah, absolutely.

But for now, yeah, store up on those Rye blocks, PayPal them to Jake, and you'll be Leron, I guess, for the day. Damn right. all right this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us i'm amir i'm leron and you can be leron if you want yeah if they pay value right of course uh here's a fun question it feels like a modern day seinfeld episode so let's call this guy george costanza nice a couple years ago writes george i matched with a girl on tinder and things are going well i got her number and we planned to date but i realized she wasn't for me a couple of years ago he said yeah this was like two years ago they matched and then he ghosted her he

straight up ghosted her ass yep a shit move cut to now we match on a different dating app bumble we start talking last week and things are going well and we plan a date she gives me her phone number and it's the same one as before um i sent her a message on bumble saying i had a great time she tosses in her number so i go to add it and she's in my phone already the convo's still there from last time what the fuck do i do if i message her and she sees that she still has my number maybe even the conversation she knows i'm a piece of shit or at least uh or at least was two years ago should i play coy and comment on the fact that i knew the whole time thanks love george

so if he texts do you have the old messages saved in your phone or do you have it like auto archive after 30 days because nobody needs to see text message threads from nine years ago yeah i have it i have it auto archive i think it auto archives after like either six months or a year or maybe nine months whatever um yeah i think that's most people do have that, at the very least, just for space. But then also, like, after you don't want to be able to see, like,

drunken texts you either sent or received 11 years ago, which is how long we've all had iPhones at this point. So it is, so, he matched with her on Bumble, and they were chatting, planning a date,

sent, and then, he's going to send it to text. That's the plan, right? And then when he sent it to text, it's like, oh, I a date, sent it, and then he's going to send it to text. That's the plan, right? And then when he sent it to text, it's like, oh, I already talked to this person and ghosted her two years ago. Right. Oops. Should I text her?

Or does he have to get a new phone number now just to text her? It's like, hey, this is me now. Oh, interesting. He could. There's a couple options. That's a big way to go. There are a couple options. He could get a burner.

He could get a burner. Yeah, that seems like pretty extreme right how does how does one even go about getting a burner i see it on tv but like what do you get like a flip phone from a radio shack and say i'll pay 30 a month yeah do you i mean i think that you could get them at a bodega you can get a phone anywhere it's that's not an issue. You can get a phone at a bodega? I think so. You get like turkey and a fucking SIM card? Yeah. Yeah.

That's awesome. I think. Okay. But here's the, I mean, you could also, I feel like there's got to be a computer program that is like text from your computer and like make it your own number right yes yeah like uh a forwarding situation like google i think has like text forwarding or something right but the

thing is really like at the end of the day this is going to if the dates go well this is going to come up like she knows you ghosted her right maybe she doesn't remember because it was two years ago this guy looks new it's a new app and they haven't texted so she doesn't have that recollection and he doesn't want to remind her right and now i'm kind of scared that like i'm implicated in this shit like what if she's mad at me for giving this guy would matter bogus advice well she easily could be but she i mean it wouldn't you don't even know who she is you don't know i might she might be the one for me you that don't like you right that right i don't think so i mean my mom's not a fan but it doesn't mean that she doesn't like me she's just currently

annoyed with how i've handled a few issues and so so is my dad i see her i see her on the i see her on the subreddit i see her commenting and trolling you on instagram yeah said third best son out of i mean yeah you have two brothers so that one is trending yeah third best song yeah that's trending on twitter yeah yeah that was yeah and i don't want this lady this guy's that ghosted her to be mad at me like my mom is mad at me right i feel like you're i guess that's not this guy's biggest issue it's not i don't even think it's your biggest issue like focus on your issue with your mom and not right about this guy this guy who's like kind of a borderline a stranger yeah or the woman that he ghosted

even more so two degrees are moved to being a stranger yeah but your mom dislikes you publicly my and that's my next and only of kin yeah and you need to focus on that you have a nemesis and it's your mother. That's right. She basically wiped my ass for three years and I breastfed from her teat. And now she dislikes me. That's fucked up. Do you realize how messed up that is to carry me and then hate me?

I can see now why you're sensitive about people liking you. So it tracks that you want this stranger twice removed to not to be my mommy or yeah to be oh yeah okay i see you have you have mommy issues i don't have mommy issues just happy mother's day to this lady shout out or whatever i see sound off okay sound off in the comments for sure you can take a calculated risk and just text and just be like, roll the dice. I think she's got a new phone. And I feel like you are going to be okay. And the alt, the alternative is you can just, even though you got the number, continue messaging on Bumble.

I don't think it would be that weird. Yeah. Okay. So just go for it. Cross your fingers. Hope for the best. And hopefully if she does call you out, it's in the playful fashion, not like a, holy shit, I remember what happened.

You ghosted me. They didn't go out. So I feel like when you're talking to people, someone you met on Tinder and you're texting, it's annoying, but that's not like an unforgivable sin to ghost someone you've never met, to stop responding to a text. Yeah, that's true.

It's not like he could have done a lot worse things on that first date. Yeah. Maybe. Oh, wait, they went on a date? They met? No, no, they didn't. So if they never met i think

it's okay yeah i wonder if it even helps this case it's like oh yeah i ghosted you i guess i'm a bad boy and now i'm interested in being with you again actually let's meet up here i have a leather jacket to get pick up from dry cleaners and then you take out a little comb and it gets stuck in your hair you're like oh fuck me i'm actually in pain yeah oh danny zucco style you're wearing fucking cool boots and you twist your ankle yeah you have a single mento rolled up in your sleeve so it's like still the sleeve rolled up but like instead of a pack of cigarettes it's a little fucking candy. I'm going to roll my sleeves for the summer. That's a look.

That's a summer look. I think so. Yeah, that's a summer look. I'll have to start smoking cigarettes, obviously. That's a weird time to start doing that. Right after a pandemic, like we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel

with this disease that really affects your lung capacity, and you're now going to start smoking cigarettes? Well, just so I can keep them rolled up in my sleeve. Otherwise, I'm sort of being a poser. So I have to walk the walk and smoke the smock. I really think that's a bad idea. I mean, maybe you could get into cigars or something i do like cigars i actually do like cigars though on new year's i smoked a cigar and i threw up so

i think that was related yeah definitely i i i smoked i smoked the cigar all wrong. It was. And then how did it make you puke? I was, it was like cold out and I needed to smoke outside. This was by yourself, right? Because like everyone told you to go outside to blow off some steam. So they gave you a cigar. You're like, I'm just going to fucking chill outside, even though it's cold. So you put on a leather glove and you started smoking a stogie outside i really did every i want like i wanted to to ring in the new year you're not going to a party you're not doing anything you're like i'm going to buy a cigar

i'm going to celebrate um but i didn't really realize that nobody else was going to smoke with me that i was going to be outside by myself. And so I was out there. It's cold. And I'm just like huffing and puffing because I'm trying to get through the cigar so I can go inside. Hang out with everybody. Yeah. Yeah. And also, I think like when you're really smoking a cigar, you got that like torch lighter that like that burns it.

The big boy. Yeah, it's ready to go. Yeah. Like rocket fuel. You're sort of using i just had a tiny little i had like a one of the free bics from a gas station or like 99 wasn't big enough yeah yeah so i'm like you're getting i'm like i'm really by yourself inhaling trying you're not supposed to right no you're not supposed to inhale because it's too much like a straw just trying to get this thing lit and i smoked then i smoked it straight to my face because i wanted to go back inside and then i walked

inside and like the countdown is happening and jill looks at me and i'm not there i was oh this is before new year's you went yeah yeah you got like high off 11 30 yeah i was so it was i was in a fog i was in a daze i was adrift at sea like just my feet weren't under me it was i had a crazy ass head high and i had not drunk that much and i'm like just so as soon as it was new year's i like stumbled into my bed and i was like this is really bad and then i spent the night throwing up but that said that said then i hung out with a dude uh who knows when i'm like the second or something when was this was like this was over jill's birthday we were out uh with some friends and uh months later yeah months later he knows the deal about cigars he had like cigars from cuba he took like an hour and a half to smoke it.

And he like lit it with the rocket torch thing. And it was really, yeah, that was really, really nice. You did it right, yeah. I did it right the second time. So now I like cigars again. But it did take me, it took me that long to get back on the point. Did you tell him that you did it wrong one time? And he's like, yeah, you did this, this, this. You can't do this this this this you can't do this yeah yeah i thought i'll make yeah yeah i told him

the new year story yeah and he chuckled along and agreed that i had done it very wrong that's good all right at least now you figured it out and that's let that be a cautionary tale for anyone that wants to smoke a cigar yeah don't do it quickly and by yourself. Don't do it alone. Yeah. Cigars are not meant to be done alone, I don't think. Yeah, they're really better enjoyed with someone. Of course. All right, let's take a break.

Thanks, sponsors. Come back with more questions and answers after these massages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when, like when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store

or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace quick note Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

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it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back uh jake do you have any Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I sure do. You know I made a wallet? Yeah. You're my wallet now. You made a wallet.

I am your wallet now. I'm your wallet now. That's right. How does that work? So let's see your wallet because I'm in the market. I haven't had a new wallet in so long because i don't really have my wallet anymore okay so what what we did number one was me and mike on the goat show looked at um a ton of different wallets uh right we found the things that we liked about all of them uh we modeled this very closely after the bellroy um i think like card sleeve or note sleeve not note

sleeve anyway um so it's got i think the one that i have yeah it is yes um similar yeah so it has like similar dimensions and my issue with that while it was always number one the the card holder things themselves were a little flimsy because they have that weird little cutout. So we made this just more of an elegant angle. You see that? Angled, yeah. Yeah. It's got the card tab where you can have card storage behind it.

You need the tab. Yeah. It's got another pocket here. And then the best part. The cash pocket is actually this little elastic strip right here so it doesn't open fully like a wallet it's like you fold up the bills and slide it in yeah and my issue with the slim wallet was always that you needed to fold your bills into thirds if you wanted to store them in the pocket so we made this last pocket half the size of the wallet, and it gave it this elastic

strap for extra security. And you've got the secret cash pocket in the back that holds a bill with a single fold instead of a threefold. And that's good because it seems like wallets can now start de-emphasizing cash. Back in the day, wallets need to be big because you used cash almost every day. And I don't think I've used cash in the last year. I need like an emergency 50 in there that I probably won't use until 2023. That's exactly what I use this pocket for, just like in case I'm ever in a situation where I need cash, but I'm not really holding a lot,

just like maybe two 20s, maybe two 20s. That's what I do and I remember back in the day when like wallets stopped carrying coins and I'd be like so where do you put your coins you need a little coin zipper otherwise you get nickels and dimes and it's like okay coins are way like 20 years old coins are out cash is almost out now too yeah there's a lot of places that are cashless but i think it's nice to have cash and i i like to carry cash around just a little cash is yeah just like an emergency bill and it's almost like to the point where you don't even need as many cards as you used to like i used to have like several debit cards credit cards different types of cards now it's like i almost use apple pay and i need like one or two cards one or two bills and now you got the slim wallet that can hold those things.

And you've got the premier slots on the wallet are the one and two right up here. Yeah. The ID. And then you have some space for the underused cards. And then this thing is like, it holds six to eight cards, which I think is the right amount. I'm down to six. Because like cards like my like AAA card or my gym card,

all of those things are like, that's on the phone. That's on the phone, no problem now. And what about health insurance? Are we still carrying those around? Do we still need that nowadays? I keep those cards in a box in my dresser. Because if I'm going to the doctor, I'll grab that just in case.

But also no, it's like, that's at least for my doctor, that's digital. All of that stuff is digital. My car insurance doesn't even send me a card anymore. It's just an app. Right.

You can almost just like take a picture of it. Or even I've seen people print out a little piece of paper and tape it to their ass. Yeah. I've seen that. Cause that way you just have the, you have the number and like if if anybody ever needs it which they probably don't it looks like you're reaching into your pocket but you're and that's actually why on me and my brother's website where we sell this wallet we also are going to start selling tape in case you

just want to ask tape because yeah you have taped some cards it's a slim wallet you have all the cards that you need for for the wallet but then, you can tape whatever else you need to your ass. That's good. And with a slim wallet like that, I was going to ask, could you almost tape the wallet to the inside of your ass? Yeah, or it probably needs to fit in a pocket. It's pretty light. I think you would need something.

Yeah, I'm just talking about the strength of the tape. I don't know if just your standard scotch would do it. You'd open it. You'd might need packing tape. I think you'd open it and put one of the sides in between the butt cheeks. Oh, in the crack. Yeah, and that sort of does the heavy lifting. And then with one piece of tape, you sort of tape it to the right side of your ass.

Are you a left or a right cheek for ass tape? I like the wallet in the front left pocket um this is a front pocket wallet and then if i'm taping something to my ass it would probably be right side because that's where i keep the keys so i'm i'm used to things being on the right side of the ass all right you too so yeah i'll just shove it up my colon the reason i ask you is because it's funny you mentioned that it's a front side wallet i've gotten ridiculed by friends family like especially i'll call them out marty michael who says you shouldn't keep your wallet in the front i always keep it in the front i don't like sitting on a wallet and i believe you also took his side and said no you got to keep it in the back now are you telling me you

switch to the front i have swung in the pandemic yes because i'm out less i think that like it is nice to well actually two things have happened one okay i am going out less and i do like having you know like the clean looking front pockets if i'm right if i'm that's the whole point that's the whole point of the back wallet is that you it doesn't look like there's anything making a little fucking outline of a of like a glob in your front pocket yeah and i think if i were going out like uh if i was like going out to dinner or going out to a bar or something and i was going to be seen and like meet up with friends and stuff i would probably put it in the back pocket but then the other thing is that my pants have gotten looser in the last two years i was interesting i was wearing like the skinnier

pants when we were all hanging out yeah and when And when you shove that pocket in, that wallet in, it's like a skin tight seal that creates, you can almost see the exact outline of the wallet in the pocket. Yeah. I feel like to get my wallet out of my pocket a couple of years ago, I needed two hands. Like you have to peel it open. Especially in a car. You have to like fucking plank, lean back. Yeah. Grab, grab squeeze pull up

but i'm wearing regular sized pants now they're a little baggier straight leg almost chino style straight leg khakis yeah slim straight i actually and i me and micah talked about the goat chinos on an episode of the goat show they are uh the target goodfellow tech chinos and do those even have a back pocket or like you keep them buttoned you don't even access that back pocket it's all about the side they have a back pocket i have i put my keys in the back pocket because i got the oh wow yeah i like the keys in the back pocket keys in the front pocket uh it doesn't work for me but you but you have since moved to wallet in the front i wonder if that's a universal shift or a personal one yeah i wonder too i did used to have wallet and back left keys and back right

phone and front left that was yeah that was what i that was what i did and now would you move to now it's wallet and phone same pocket front left because the wallet that's pocket same pocket wow i'd really i would love to send you zero i would love to send you one of these wallets yeah send it do you have my manager's number you can send it to him i'll pick it up or send it to my agent actually give me your address i'll send it directly to you give me your don't worry about it he gets everything and i'll pick it up one day when i'm in beverly hills I feel like it's this weird power play that you have with me. It's not a play. Call my fucking agent.

Call my agent. Call my agent. Call my manager. Call my publicist if you want me to talk about this shit. I'm not going to give away some fucking free Instagram story for your ass. All right. Call my publicist. It's really not like, it was not like an influencer thing i was trying

to i thought you'd like it i'm not oh yeah sorry about that you can um just yeah send it to my accountant why would i send it to him send it to my accountant next time i'm picking up documents i'll pick up the fucking wallet wait so you have two things in your front left zero in your front right what don't you like the balance the symmetry the equal distribution yeah it's well i feel like i have that because i've got front left back right it's a different kind of symmetry it's a mirror image i see so you're talking about 360 symmetry i'm talking symmetry within the front pockets right are you going you do kind of a game changer phone left wallet right yeah phone left wallet right because then you know they're kind of equally sized nowadays so

it feels like boom each one yeah thin but like how how thin can your phone and your wallet be that it's still not creating the crease oh yeah that's pretty thin it's pretty thin those are those are very thin does it come in? I see that's a black wallet. Yeah. I'm a fan of the brown or blue. Don't you worry. We've got brown. We're thinking about that third color way.

So if you want, you can- Blue leather monogrammed in orange, A hyphen dot dot dot B question mark. And on the back it says badass motherfucker. And I'll tape that to my fucking tape. How's that? Me talking to an agent, not even mine. Is this William Morris?

I'm here to pick up a wallet that belongs to my ass. Why are you tasing me? I used to have a fucking client here'm not gonna tell jake that i don't have an agent okay the least you can do is accept a package oh you're tasing me come on okay so how how do non-me people get this wallet i know you're gonna say directly to me but if i wanted to actually my brother was saying that he was in the market for a wallet he was looking at that wallet specifically so how do people get it well he can go to brothers halcyon dot com or follow us on instagram brothers halcyon dot or well i guess on instagram there's no dot com right brothers h-a-l-c-y-o-n brothers wow and it's cheaper than my bellroy this one's only 50 bucks that's right

we undercut the fuckers oh the brown looks good yeah it's nice and tan yeah okay yeah this is great and then does it fit like i have magnum fucking condoms yeah i mean the magnum condom package is around the same size as a folded and half dollar bill so that would easily work really bill i think mine are fucking the issue is that it's not gonna fit on your cock that's where it's not gonna fit because you have a tiny little pecker you have a pencil dick it's actually i'm starting to feel like i'm talking too much about this kind of shit. And I don't want anybody to know about the thinness of my anus and the fact that my taint is sharp. You don't want people to know that.

You talk about it all the time. Yeah, but I talk about it in a way that convinces people it's big. So I'll say, like, does it fit a Magnum condom and then in their brains i they're like okay mirror's probably well endowed but then you keep bringing up the thinness of it and now it's like overall people are thinking that maybe it's almost like you're highlighting it more than i am does that make sense yeah people are thinking about it now because of the way that you're talking about it exactly i was i made a flippant remark you dug in you've it feels like you've explored everything you need to explore around i'll take the wallet basically long story

shorts brown i do need yeah i I'll take the tan wallet. Thank you. How many did you make? Or is it like print-on-demand style? We made 200, and we're shipping them out of the basement. And actually, I think there are only like 100 left. But if they sell out, then we're going to get some. What kind of boxes have come in?

You have like a fat wad. You got like 50 wallets down there? Yeah, they're in the other room. But we did monogram the box. It looks that's cool and they come and then if people huge box yeah you're actually going to the post office to send these off is that how it works the the postman uh does pickups at the house when he drops off the mail so you just let him know you have a package uh like yesterday we shipped out 60 wallets you're writing the labels by hand printing it out sticking it on using stamps.com uh micah is using i believe he is using stamps.com

and he got like a heat printer label thing this thing like fires them off and him and his girlfriend pack the wallets and mail them out we also put a sticker in there so don't you worry about that yeah yeah i was gonna say i think I deserve a sticker, at least, for the free wallet. Also, just a sneak peek just for you. We're also going to, we made this hat. Can you see this hat? Yeah, what is that? Is that a shell?

Is that a turkey head? Is that a flower? It's a mountain lily. That's right. Third guess. It's a flower. Halcyon. Not even brothers, just straight Halcyon.

What's the back say? Well, someday, someday I want to drop the brothers and just be halcyon because i think halcyon is a is a goat name the back says pursued by glory which is which is the the family crest that uh me and micah came up with or our family words did everyone else have to sign off on that or just like the brother sort of yeah nobody else is the triplets and hannah have said it yet, but we'll get them. We'll get them. We'll get them. Yeah.

Once this takes off, you can have the sisters Halcyon. That's cool. A competing brand. Although I did see that they started making stuff too, right? Yeah. We've got a very entrepreneurial family. Well, they're still making the beard oil, but they pivoted and kicked my ass out. Now it's beard oil and pube oil and skin essential oil.

It's just an oil company. I would love to talk to them about the pube oil, because if I can get in on the pube oil advertising game, I feel like I can be a spokesman, Manscaped style. They did. Because you've seen my mound, my pubis mound. I've seen your pubis mound. the pube oil advertising game i feel like i can be a spokesman manscaped style they did because you've seen my mound my pubis mound i've seen your pubis mound yeah it is a it looks like a yeah i am ripe for a before photo and i'm just ready to take it yeah well they they did uh used they used gumball to book an ad for their new brand, East Rock Botanicals. And is it on Gumball? Is it on Gumball?

Did they purchase buckets? Did they purchase my basketball ad? I should ask them. I just saw the alert that they purchased an ad from Gumball, but I don't know where they bought it. I mean, it's probably me, right? Who else could talk about Pube Oil with such confidence slash pedigree. Such vim and vigor, as you say. With such oil and vinegar as me.

All right, cool. That's good unsolicited advice. Let's take another break, come back, and answer some fucking questions on the other side of these messages. Come on. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-oh, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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Should we try to get through some more Qs and As? This is an advice podcast, after all. Yeah, let's do it. Why not? Here's a question about what to do with a PlayStation 4 that was received as a gift. We'll call this guy Sunny, because it's a Sunny PlayStation.

Nice. Sunny writes, I'm in high school with my older brother, and a while ago, some family acquaintance we don't really know approached us about selling his PS4. Me and my brother declined, but after he couldn't find anyone, he ended up just giving it to us for free.

Sounds like a good gig, right? Here's the problem. It's been a year and we haven't used it at all. In fact, we haven't even plugged it in. It's just sitting in the living room next to our Switch. So now we're looking to get rid of some belongings ourselves before our brother moves to college next year, but we both feel a little weird selling this console that we got for free. Is there a statute of limitations that we should try to wait before selling it? Are we obliged to gift it to someone else do we have to give it back to him what do we do with it love the show and congrats on the turdy this episode amir yeah we should say that that hasn't happened yet so really i feel like he just he wanted to thanks

for nothing i love that a fan writes in and gives you the turdy. That's really cool. We decide together. Why don't you accept that with Vim? What? With Vim and not Vigor? You want me to accept that turdy with a single vim all right um it's not your decision to make so speech thank you speech this isn't a speech i'm just gonna tell them that we decide together mostly you but also i have some input in terms of tie

breaker who gets turdy who gets the golden mic and i thought we both did pretty well this episode we'll decide at the end who ends up getting said trophy we don't have to even talk about it yet it was just part of the ps uh speaking of ps this ps4 um fuck now i'm like sweaty i'm trying to think it was a really nice transition that was a fucking awesome transition that could have earned you the golden mic if you hadn't already accepted the 30 which you really didn't have it's not it's not a decision to make you gave a speech you gave a speech I said thanks but no thanks we don't know yet you said thanks i said we'll decide at the end thanks you yelled speech i

didn't even want to talk you made it into like this weird thing that that ps speaking of ps yeah that's funny that's like that's so good i feel like it sucks that the the golden mic has to fall to me as you as you took home the charity we can both it. I'll get it for the PS4. You get it for... I'm obviously cheese-chuffed, honored, humbled. And vimmed. And vimmed. And a little bit vigored, to be honest.

So, appreciate. Much love. What should this... Can this guy just, what, sell a fucking PS4 that was gifted to him? Yeah, I don't think so fine i think it's i think it's a little wrong i think it's wrong how much does the ps4 go for uh i could check ebay but i bet a couple hundred bucks because i think ps5s already exist i don't really know the

difference between the two uh yeah you can get a ps4 for 275 right now i don't know why this guy didn't sell it on ebay i guess it's annoying to have to list and ship but yeah it's between two and three hundred bucks the weird thing is that it's like it feels like the right thing to do is just like cut this guy in on it you know he says will you sell this you say no it's like well you can have it and you're like okay you don't use it but you let it you let him store it at your house and now there we go that's a really nice way to do it you fucking sell it you get 300 bucks you split it three ways it's 100 100 this guy gets 100 for giving you the gift at all yeah a year later he's just gonna get a hundred bucks i feel like he shouldn't be mad but again i do feel like i could easily see this turning into another episode of seinfeld and and just being like well you should give you sold my playstation i gave it to you like that

or just like well i asked you to sell it three a year ago you should give me the give me the whole give me the whole nut you know now you owe me more cash for that he's like this guy could easily want more but you could also you could also just be like we sold it for a hundred bucks and give it to him and then you know not not tell him that you or you could be, we sold it for 150. Here's 50. And then suddenly you and your brother are making out like bandits, a.k.a. French kissing. Yeah, if you really want to rob him, you don't have to tell him anything. So I think that it makes sense that this guy should get the cash.

And, you know, you get a vig for doing the transaction. You know, you get paid for taking that on. Sell and split. That seems to be the fairest way. I think so. I think so. All right. All right.

One last question. Yeah. This one's from a lady. And since we're talking about Seinfeld all the time, we'll call this lady Geraldine. Like Jerry, but a woman. Nice! Shut up, butthead.

Sorry, I went blind for like two seconds and I had to vamp. I saw. Weird. All right. It's like it got dark, but it's still bright out. It was weird. It was scary. All right, ready? You have to dark, but it's still bright out. It was weird. It was scary. You're.

All right, ready? You have to go to the doctor. I think so. Because like, yeah, like. You've been taping your genitals too much. I think it's. Lost a lot of blood. I think it's my ass tape.

It's leaking into my. You know how they say like you're supposed to butt chug for it to get to your like blood faster? Yeah. I think there's like scotch poisoning in me. Ingested a lot of glue. Isn't that happened to george's wife susan yeah that's right she licked all the uh wedding invites and the glue poisoned her and she died god what a show solid app all right long time listener first time giving a shitter writes geraldine i'm a junior in college and this year i've made some really good and close friends having such close friends who are into being goofy with me has

caused me to come out of my shell more and really push the envelope my favorite and funniest gag has been to flash my boobs at my friends this is a goof for a laugh my friends are all girls so it's not that weird but one of my friends has recently come out of the closet as bisexual i don't care if she munches a carpet or eats a cock meat sandwich because she's my friend and the problem is we joke all the time about being gay together even though we both mutually express that we do not want that and i worry that i might be convincing my boyfriend that i'm gay especially coupled with the fact that i'm so open to exposing myself to my friends as a goof. Basically, the joke is funny and I do not want to stop, but I can tell my boyfriend is secretly worried about it and I'm afraid that I will wake up one day, feel gay and leave him. I am open about

my sexuality and do not feel limited by labels, but I am really content with my boyfriend and have assured him that I have explored enough with the idea of being a lesbian to be sure that i want to be with him how do i convince my boyfriend not to be worried about me goofing around with my friends and please don't tell me to stop popping my nipples out because i will not listen thanks a bunch seize the cheese love geraldine wow right wow okay um She's loved Geraldine. Wow. All right. Wow. Okay. Yeah, it seems like the boyfriend, if that's a concern of his, it also doesn't really matter, you know, if she's flashing people or not. That's just like a weird anxiety that he has. He's hung up on, I don't know.

It sounds like he's just jealous. Yeah, or scared or up on i don't know it sounds like he's just jealous yeah or scared or something i don't know maybe there's some sort of bad breakup in his past that started like this and he's getting nervous about it yeah you know what not jealous like i think there's an insecurity there that's that's what it is yeah he's not worried that you're slowly becoming a lesbian because you're flashing your friends. I feel like that's what he's saying. But what he's really concerned about is like he's going to wake up one day and you won't like him anymore for a plethora of reasons. And this one is taking that form right now. The problem is you can't convince someone not to be worried. You just sort of have to assure them and hope that they understand that they shouldn't be worried. But this seems like

such a small thing. I think that a lot of these are also relationship growing pains. I don't know how long she's been with her boyfriend. But like, sometimes in the beginning of a new relationship, you're nervous and protective, and you don't want it to go away because you're really happy. And the longer you stay with somebody, the more secure you feel because they haven't left yet but i think it can be there's it's worth having a conversation if it's been a while and he's still feeling like this then there's then you guys got to have like a talk and maybe he needs to share why he feels so insecure. Yeah. But the exact question of how do I convince my boyfriend not to be worried, that doesn't,

it's hard to convince someone not to be worried. You just have to say, don't worry and hope they believe you. Right. And I think it'll happen over time as you continue to flash your friends as you said you would and you don't become gay with them that's going to convince him that that it's not going to happen because it didn't happen okay or it won't convince him and you'll be convinced that it's not going to happen with him because he is you know kind of always angry about you being silly and goofy which is not a good

dichotomy there that's not a good relationship at all you got to protect the being silly and goofy, which is not a good dichotomy there. That's not a good relationship at all. You've got to protect the silly and goofy. Don't kill your joy. Yeah, this is us squeezing her shoulders. You have to protect it. That part goes away so quickly, so fast. You don't understand before you know it. You're 30 fucking seven years old,

living in a basement, hawking fucking wallets and podcast advice, and nobody's there. Hell, I'm going to flash your friends. Exposing yourself, there's fucking wallets and cash taped all over your body. Get a fucking bag or something, Jesus Christ. You can't just use yourself as a bulletin board. You're a cork man. Man. I got a cork, man.

I listened to you on the HeadGum podcast talking shit about downtown. That's another thing that I really enjoy. I have to go on and defend it. I got roped into that whole conversation. I don't like the song. I don't think the song is it. I feel like I got roped into that whole conversation. I don't like the song. I don't think the song is great.

But I didn't think it was... I don't know. It was weird to me to do an entire segment about how bad it was. Because there's plenty of bad songs. It didn't warrant that. Yeah. And at least that song, like we're talking about, is silly and fun. I feel like that's worth something in this crazy world.

Sure. Look, I resent getting roped into the debate. Yeah. You were like, you sort of got swept in the whirlwind. You're very impressionable, where it's like everyone starts talking shit about something. You're like, yeah, let me in, let me in. Well, I thought it was funny.

It's funny that it's all about a moped. I don't think I realized that. Or I did at the time when you're watching the video. It's like, oh, it's a song about a moped. Man. Listening back, look, I said on the podcast that I still like, I'm going 35 Dan.

That is a funny line indeed. Yeah, I guess check out the HeadGum Podcast for more of us. It's fun, it's silly, it's wacky, it's a good time yes i'm excited to listen to that uh episode with lauren lapkus that's right that's out today me lauren marika and jeffrey um all right that's it that's it for our podcast thank you for writing in thank you for your questions your emails your your song submissions it's if i were you show at gmail.com uh still

making videos on our patreon patreon patreon.com slash JA. That's Jake. If you're watching, we even started making animated sketches. There's one up there about me and Jake stuck on Everest. And we just recorded another one. That's right. It's hopefully going to be animated soon.

Yeah. So it'll all be there. So check that out as well. And of course the opening theme song was the cane breakers. It was so good. So long that I only played. And of course, the opening theme song was the Cane Breakers. It was so good, so long that I only played half of it up top. So let's listen to the second half right now. Hell yeah. Thanks, Cane Breakers.

Thanks to you guys for listening. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao He'll confess. And I am not lying. I know he's really trying, but he can never come. All the general cleanliness. If I were you, show, listen to these dudes. No one of them's not a dude, though he's eating acorns now. And I am not lying.

I know he's really trying, but Jake is really chuffed that he's got it figured out. Amir said a golden mic would be nice. That was a Hiddem Original.