Segments - 489: Cereal Mascots

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

In this episode we are answering as many of your questions as possible in another Twitter lightning round edition of "If I Were You."Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. To feel trouble to these dudes Seek advice from teachers They may know a little more than you know It's easy to get lost In this world that we brought You should take a little time It's true

Just open up your heart And the healing can start After emailing if I were you If I were you Whoa you i like that that seems like almost like the lead-in to like our televised radio show public access style oh that's cool they do like 8-bit music like that sometimes we should do that that's what we could do as instead of like um another like issue where true TV makes a pilot and passes on it, ultimately. We just make our own public access style show. Interesting.

If I were you, televised. That sounds fun and fast, but I'm worried that without TV networks and executives giving us notes and setting meetings, how will it take seven years to get to a definitive no? It might happen super fast, and then I'm not on the hook emotionally and spiritually for over half a decade. Yeah. It would be sad to not be in development limbo. Yeah, exactly. Like, submit a draft, but the exec was fired fired so the new one comes on and doesn't like the show but wants to redevelop something else and actually what's your unscripted idea

and i'm sorry but true tv just folded into pluto tv and now it's all rolled up to hbo that's cool and can you make it a 15 minute streamable non-scripted unscripted dramedy yeah we're Quibi now. Quibi's gone now. We're something else. Yeah, and then by the time we figured out what we are, it's too late. But this way sounds good too.

Yeah, that's true. That could work. It could work. It could work. We wouldn't have to shoot it vertical. Oh, that's even better. So we don't even have to do it as like a snap exclusive or something.

We could shoot it like with regular cameras. Yeah, be interesting. That theme song was written by David Berman, who's been listening to us for a couple years and saw us live in Vancouver. Ooh, Vancouver. Man, that was a good show. That was a fun show.

A good time. It was rainy that day, but ultimately the show was hot, hot fire. Gonna probably release this one on my album of similarly silly sounding songs so if anybody likes video gamey sounding electrical music electronic music not electrical uh shout out to my band camp zilgi z-i-l-g-g-y g y z i l what is it l g g y two g's z z i l g g y yeah all right cool nice and then he said shout out to his friend's new child evie or evie evie yeah that's kind of cool yeah when when 30 no when 75 three-fourths of your name is one letter. That's kind of cool.

Yeah, that's true. That's really neat. Evie. Is there any other case of that? No way. A-L-A. Oh, yeah, I guess there's A-L-A-A. There's a basketball player named Alaa Abdel-Nabi. So that's like A-L-A-A.

That's pretty good. That is cool. Can we cram in one more vowel? Can we go like O-O-N-O-O? Perhaps an O-O-N-O-O? O-O-N-O-O. Yeah, that's cool. That is nice.

Okay, how about this? Six vowel. Let's move on. Let's move on. You've done the name bit. I giggled. It was fun. It was quirky.

It was neat. It's quirky, yeah. Let's not beat a dead horse, okay? I was going to say, like, imagine. We all liked it. Just take the accolade, take the attaboy, nod to the golf clap, and move forward with the podcast, okay? Yeah.

U-U-U-U-U. U-U-U-U-U. You peeked at U-Nu, and I fucking humored you. U-Nu was, like, the second or third okay but it was like that was all we needed one and then you want to uhanu and then you kept on fucking going and it's like i felt like i would have yeah i wouldn't have stopped i like need to hear this shit because like there's no way that i'm stopping at seven either so thank you that's like the kind of shit that likes constructive criticism and i hope i

wasn't too harsh no you were harsh but it was needed for sure and like that's the kind of shit that i don't usually get i surround myself with fucking yes men and this is the kind of like pushback that i've yeah yeah i've been looking for an assistant but that's really really good yep i'm wondering if let's not dwell in the feedback either. N-N-N-L-N-N. You really get lost in the wilderness of your own thoughts. You just want to pontificate on shit that just happened. Yeah.

And we need to keep going. We should say that this is one of those rare instances where we're recording on a Monday morning instead of like the week before. So it's already Monday, May 24th. This is going to be released Monday, May 24th. It's borderline live. Yeah, basically live,

like our new public access TV station. Yeah. Oh, now it's a full station, not just a television show. It's a channel. I mean, we can call it Jake and Amir now and no one can sue our ass so so that's okay how about this for an idea we the world is opening up i saw you you know we're starting to hang out with friends again see people which is a fun development yeah we're potentially moving back into an office not our

old head gum office but a new Hedgum office. That's right. So one of those rooms is just a dedicated, constantly running, 24-7 public access TV show, web show. It's all the same bullshit nowadays. That's cool. If you're in there, you are on there, and people can see you. So it's a meeting about whatever fucking ad sales you gotta mic yourself up because guess what you're on live web stream that's right yeah so this is a room

basically dedicated to an it's like a non-secret open source room where there are no secrets in the room it's right it's like an always running live feed, no matter how personal the nature of the meeting, no matter how private it's public. If we're talking about like freelancers fucking rates and we're like negotiating them, that's all public. If it's in that room. Yeah. And the public will access them because it is a publicly access yes it's an

accessed room so that's i guess that's my pitch for the new office i guess i have to i have to pitch it in that room probably i have to like set it up and then have the first meeting there that's gonna be like the first episode the launch of this new channel we could call it gotcha journalism that's really good if we can even put a toilet in there a guest bathroom no no i did it again you're thinking i fucking did it again i keep doing this thing where i'm like taking everything like one step yeah you get too excited you're like no too far you get too excited you i wanted to, no, too far. You get too excited. I wanted to take a dump in front of thousands of people watching me on Ustream or some shit. And see, that's where it even feels like you almost, it's not even like you got too excited and got there eventually. It's like, I think you started there in your head.

And I think you did. Reverse engineer. Yeah. and i think you did i think you the whole entire yeah it was all a ramp up to this one moment which is the actual thing you wanted which is to have an office toilet cam so you can shit on the live screen and that's sick it's depraved it's fucked up yeah no that's um and like it really helps to have you call me out like that like i fucking need someone like that i don't think it helps actually because i appreciate what you're saying that you think it helps but i don't think it helps because it keeps happening and if it helped then you would stop don't you think you would have changed if it was like i love yeah and i love hearing that like that's the type of shit i need in a therapist yeah like i need to like fire everyone in my life and you have to replace them carte blanche full access.

So like you're my friend, you're my fucking plumber, you're my therapist, you're everything. And you tell it like it is. My rate for being your therapist would be pretty high, higher than like my rate for being your friend and way higher than for being your plumber. For your, yeah, for the friendship, I think we've said before I pay you $400 a month.

How much would the therapist be? Yeah, but $400 a month, but the hours are capped. That's like, it's not like $400 gets you carte blanche. You don't have that. No, I don't. Yeah, I can't afford carte blanche. I think you billed me at like $3,500 once per week. And I'm like, I don't think I can afford carte blanche access to your friend.

Well, you can't afford carte blanche because you also pay me $1 a thousand dollars a month for the plumbing thing which actually doesn't come into it yeah it doesn't come into i haven't used you since the pandemic right totally and my making a noise and i advised you and i advised you on that and that's why i charge hire a plumber you advise me to hire a plumber i've hired you to hire a plumber. I'd hired you. And you said, I don't know. I referred you to a colleague of mine. I referred you to a colleague. And I think for that, I get a kickback, don't I? I paid him to help fix the toilet, which he didn't do, by the way. And then you billed me for the fucking hat tip.

You billed me for the, quote, attaboy you sent me an invoice for $150. Well, because that was a friend thing to do that was a friend thing to do i give you the friend inside tip i i charge you the friendship inside tip fee don't i yeah i guess so yeah i didn't look at the itemized bill i just saw that you venmo requested but yeah i didn't read the invoice but i do appreciate it yeah and i really thank you for sort of telling me like it is, like I've been saying. Yeah, you got it. All right, we wanted to do a lightning round edition of our show here.

Yes, we took to Twitter. That's right. We wanted to jam-pack questions and answers. This is an advice show after all. It's called If I Were You, the only one on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir i am jake uh some interesting ones in the twitter sphere overnight i think i think i tweeted this like at 11 p.m so maybe it favored some uk slash australian questions that's why they're so fucked up i mean these guys are so fucking messed up in the head like i don't know what the hell's going on in london and slash

sydney slash perth like give me an example of a of an insane fucked up question who would have a funnier death says code name punk boy you or jake and then just lol emojis i mean my god that's dark i don't think about who would have a weird i don't think i don't think about who would have a weird... I don't think I'm going to have a weird death. I think I'm going to have a weird death. I've said it multiple times. I think I'm going to die in a freak accident. I'm sorry to anybody listening who loves me, because Jill gets very upset when I say this.

But that's better than the alternative, right? Yeah, but it's going to happen young is the problem. Oh, I see. Yeah, you don't want to do that i'd love a freak accident when i'm 94 that's that's a good way to go yeah like an instant like whoa what happened there yeah it was yeah something i don't know we'll figure it out on the day like at the mortuary or whatever yeah but as of now just know that he was probably he choked on a can of tuna no you

don't want to go choke that's not sudden enough and a can i was eating a can well you were suffering from late onset dementia and at certain point that's not sudden anymore is it is that's not exactly a sudden death at 94 because i have dementia and that's how I'm going to live. I don't think so. And then I eat a tuna can and I die? No. I don't know. That could be funny. I mean, that's funny, but it's not how I... I thought we had sort of shifted into like how I want to go.

I want like an air conditioner to fall on my head when I'm 90. Let's say 98. That's kind of good. That's nice. Like in Happy Gilmore when their refrigerator lands on the Mista Mista lady. That's right. And I will die with a stye in my eye. You really will.

That's right. And an infection in my face that goes to my braces that I'll have as a 72-year-old lad. A fecal facial infection. that's an it really is it it's it's sad it's sad to die that's the problem that like every way to die is kind of sad because it's finally um it's finally over i mean everything that you've built towards everything that you have is just instantly in a minute basically like a snap of the fingers, you are gone. Which is kind of insane to think, big picture wise.

And that's a turdy. And that's a fucking turdy. What? We're bringing the mood of the comedy podcast down. I was trying to be like, I was trying to be sincere for a second. Well, sincerely, sincerely, stop. Okay.

Why don't you sincerely don't do that ever again? You know, that was. I thought it would be interesting to go like the dramedy angle. Way too dour. Some comedians are doing serious shit now. It could be like, what's a Jake and Amir's take on something real? That was, that was a low energy jeb moment put it back in the lock box al gore that's good uh did you get any questions uh yeah i did uh this one's kind of interesting it's this one actually it's um

okay it's from ed ed says have you guys ever had a falling out at any point in your friendship if so how did y'all figure it out and did it change your guys relationship i feel like there are so many comedy duos that have like a fraught relationship and And you and I never had like a, we never had like a breakup. We never had a blow up. Yeah. Should we, I don't know, figure something out for the new year

when everything reopens up? Manufacture one for publicity? Yeah, publicity. Kind of like a... Oh, we could do it in the public access toilet stream. That's good. So we have a fight in the toilet area and then like we unfollow each other on insta and we pay someone to leak that information to our reddit because most people probably wouldn't know right so we hire an intern to create an account now and then in six months have him be like did you guys

notice that jake and amir stopped following each other on instagram and twitter and then somebody's like who is this guy it's probably like a fake person that they hired it's like no this guy's been posting and fucking commenting for six months he's a real person and then it's like watch this on monday they won't release an episode because i think they're mad at each other everyone waits with bated breath we actually don't release an episode i tweet something like hey jake's out of town but then you post pictures on your Instagram of you like, you know, still just chilling in the city. Yeah, with other friends. Oh, I'm like a selfie of me in a recording studio. Like Jake should be there.

And yes. And then I take a social media sabbatical, which is basically me not tweeting or posting anything. Because you usually don't post anything. It won't like raise any eyebrows. But if I just stopped cold turkey, that would be like, whoa, what's going on here? We take, I don't know, three weeks off and release something, a really stilted, maybe I do a podcast without you,

maybe you do one without me or something like that. I call in from the road. I host this second half. It's like we need to put something out, but we can't talk. We aren't speaking. For advertisers, yeah, exactly. So I record one half put something out but we can't talk we aren't speaking for advertisers yeah exactly you so i record one half without you and we're like yeah we're gonna try something new like in a fun way i'll record with ben and yeah jake will record with jeffrey and then it's like

a funny like mashup episode but people at this point those rumors are flying yeah they don't know what's going on they don't they get it they don't get it because they don't know but they it all links back to this to the toilet cam video, which we're hoping is like some sort of guerrilla viral marketing for the public access toilet that we launched in our fucking podcast studio. What we really have to do is cut this part of the episode out because it's like step-by-step the plan. We can't play this.

Right. So why don't you ask me the question again? Have you ever had a falling out? And how did you repair your friendship so why don't you ask me the question again have you ever had a falling out and how did you repair your friendship i don't think so i think we've had a good time yeah this whole time i think we're good to go i don't see anything ever come in between us brother no toilet camera otherwise all right nice and you just place that in and we'll move on to the next question um is there a story behind jake not changing his twitter avatar for at least a full decade now has it been a decade no no is it a point of pride or you're just not thinking about it

i i don't know it's i guess i mean it's it's that old ass photo of you. Yeah. Literally a 13-year-old photo. Yeah. I think I'm 20. I'm definitely like 22 or 23 in that photo. I think I just never, I never changed it. And there have been a couple times where I was about to, I was like, oh, this is really old.

Or someone's like tweeted at me that it was really old. And then go to change it and i'm like well now i'm like nostalgic it's my first ever photo so yeah it feels like it's old enough at this point that it's almost ironic that's right i don't know what i would first it was like outdated and then it was like oh now it's kind of impressive that he's gone this long now it's a throwback do you do you still i know you don't post to twitter very much are you still checking it for news and notes um i don't really check it for anything anymore i go on to it sometimes to like reshare stuff that uh that you post um or just like you know uh post like an episode of a podcast or something I want to tell people about. But I'm not like... Before, I was obsessively reading the news on Twitter.

And I thought that was bad for my mental health. So I stopped. Interesting. Yeah. And it's been great. That's nice. I still use it just as much just through basketball news. Everything is instantly there.

You can't wait for these updates on ESPN.com. You got to get the beat writers update on an injury situation the second it comes out or else you're out of date. So are you only following basketball news on Twitter? Just so you're completely up to date on that? No, I follow, it looks like, 654 people between comedians, friends uh crypto stuff and then also basketball stuff very interesting yeah i i follow 33 people and i don't think any of them really make that much sense yeah a lot of them are bots it seems like that don't follow

anyone that's right this is a q anon bot. You're in a Twitter ring with him. That one's not a bot. That one has some good... There's a photo of you at this Q convention. Really? I meant to post that on my other Twitter. Hold on. You're on

Parler tonight? When did this happen, dude? Fuck. Hold on. You've been radicalized uh all right let's take a break thank some sponsors come back and answer some more cues after this quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free.

To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people yeah you do thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on

squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying vision like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back uh no one solicited

this episode we're gonna just cram some more cues into our a-holes yeah that's right by the way i wanted to ask you now that you're socializing more do you find like it's affecting you physically like i hung out with people for the first time and like after like six hours, like I'm like, I don't think I've like spoken and laughed for like six hours straight before. I'm like, I feel like mentally fatigued and like my throat hurts from talking and laughing this much. I haven't done that for over a year. Yeah, definitely.

I think I like went to dinner with some people and at the end I was just like completely drained. But we spent the weekend upstate with two friends of ours on Saturday night, and we were with them for 24 hours. And that felt good, normal. It didn't feel like I was crashing. Because you've been around two people before. Yeah. I have not seen a group of people yet, though. Interesting. Yeah. Keep me't been to like, I have not seen like a group of people yet though. Interesting. Yeah.

Keep me posted on that. So you saw a group and you were like completely drained. Yeah. By the end of it, I'm like, wow, I've been talking and sort of laughing and eating like for the first time in over a year, I think. That sounds awesome. How did it feel? Fried.

Before you got tired. It felt a little weird because we were indoors without masks for the first time but um you get used to it it's just like you know it you start to forget that 16 months of your life went by where you didn't do it it's true i went to the gym this morning and the mask whoa it was listed lifted week. So I've worked out at CrossFit now thrice with no mask. Wow. Yeah.

I've yet to do indoors with strangers. Only friends. With people I know. Yeah. Well, at the gym, they make you, you can't work out without a mask unless you show your vaccine card.

Yeah, that's another thing. And they also have big roll-up doors. So it's kind of indoor outdoor but still like do you just you working out without a mask is like fucking glorious it's crazy old school do you do you carry that vaccination card um it's in my wallet i have but i also i have a photo of it on my phone i yeah i fold it in half and i also there's like a digital pass for new york state now too oh interesting yeah because i was gonna laminate it you know to like keep it in pristine condition then it's like if i take it anywhere it doesn't fit in anywhere la doesn't

have like a folded a vaccine passport thing on your phone maybe but i don't know about it no google it i bet you have it you should have one um all right back to the questions of course um here here we go you have a you have a very quick and i think you've thought about this before maybe for goat show favorite shape of pasta asks ilara and favorite pasta sauce you already know the answer to this don't you yeah i do i have a well there's a couple um there's a couple different uh shapes that i yeah yeah there's pasta shapes or well there's a couple there's a couple um of the goats um okay i do i mean i'll i'll run through them there's okay okay hold on because let me i I don't want to get the name of the actual goat incorrect.

No, yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry, go ahead. Excuse me. Oh, no. I was just going to like, let me just throw mine out there while you fucking do this research that you've done, this Google Doc, this triple elimination tournament

that you had to determine your favorite shape. Of course a broad noodle man you know what that means that means tagliatelle i want that thick ribbon style pasta it's a spaghetti that's been flattened to the fucking size of a fruit by the foot and as for the ragu i think I'll be eating wild boar with it. And for whatever reason, you can only get boar on tagliatelle at a restaurant. So there you have it. You like a good broad noodle. I'm a broad noodlesman with a beefy sauce. A beefy sauce. So do you say a bow tie pasta?

Is that what you? No, I didn't say that actually. What I said multiple times was a broad tagliatelle. I did not say a bow tie pasta. Tagliatelle. Thank you. Yeah. A broad.

So I need it to look like a fruit by the foot, ideally. I want it to look like a slap bracelet that goes on and on and on. That's not bad. A jump rope in length. It's like basically a slightly thinner pad Thai or a pad CU noodle. It's a pad CU, but instead of rice noodles, it's pasta. Yeah. And it's fine, but it's not the goat.

I think that the worst pasta is angel hair because there's not enough there. All right. And I don't like any pasta that you have to twirl. I think that it's, they're all pretty good. It's a thin. Spaghetti's good. The tagliatelle, great. First, let me preface this, first of all, by saying that every pasta is pretty good.

They're all pretty great, even, except for Angel's because there's not enough there. Okay. Okay? Okay, okay. Yeah. there okay yes okay okay okay yeah i think um a budget pick just a fun a fun one to see to see around is by the way el paso is pretty budget that's like 78 cents a box yeah so yeah what's the budget pick which is like 38 cents a bag i'm not even talking about cash i'm just talking about like a budget as in like it's not around often so it's good to see it so it's a scarcity thing

it's and yeah and it's a few silly okay because it is silly and it's kind of fun to see it's a little springy it's good it holds the sauce it actually really holds the sauce it holds the pretty good doesn't it just fucking say your goat pasta i'm gonna say that we have to go through this it's pipe regatta people got that it's We don't have to go through this. It's pipe rigate. What's that? I don't know how to pronounce it because I'm not Italian. It's pipe rigate. P-I-P-E. Pipe? Pipe rigate. R-I-G-A-T-E.

It's basically a rigatoni that's pinched on the end that turns it into a little bit of a shell. I see. It's sort of like a semi-circle. It's a tubular circle that's cut in half in the middle. It's pinched. So it's got a little sauce pocket.

It's a little bowl for the pasta. It's a little rainbow. Yeah. Yeah. It's really, and it's got, it's got the, you can witness the thickness of that noodle right there.

It's a good thickness. It's got nice ribbing. And it has nice ribbing. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm speaking right now. I know. This is a fucking podcast.

We have a conversation. If I can finish, it's got an elegant profile for a pasta, doesn't it? It's unique. I don't know. Excuse me. And it has an elegant profile. What does that mean? Don't shush me. You do not. Excuse me. It has an elegant profile. What does that mean? Don't shush me.

You do not shush me. You're speaking over me. You cannot do that. And it's got the bowl. It's got the dish. It's got the cup. It has the scoop for the goop for that pasta sounds. Which cereal mascot could you beat in a fist fight um i think just about all of them tony tiger you could give me a run for my money

jesus you switched gears so quickly you were so invested in the pasta and then you had tony the tiger ready to go instantly you're you're you i think you have add or something like that that was by philly shober yeah i assume we can both beat the leprechaun he's a small man lucky charms yeah too can i feel bad punching a bird in the beak but that's to assert my dominance over the cereal that's a lopsided face to be sure tony the tiger seems pretty jacked actually plus he's a tiger i would i would like my chances he's great but i think yeah count chocula i could fucking destroy him i could i could own count chocula i wouldn't just punch his ass i would fucking stab him with a stake a wooden stake and as for the smacks frog i would

actually hit him with a baseball bat yeah that's what i would do that's right and snap crackle and pop i would snap crack them pop with a baseball bat to the dome you know i'm saying jesus christ yeah i was uh i was kidding fred flintstone he just got flint's owned that's right fruity pe. I don't think so. You do like that. Yeah. And as for the Magic Spoon cereal mascot, who's the, what's the, I don't even know if they have, they should add mascots though. What's the, the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

What is that mascot? It's just a chef. It's just a guy with the fucking chef hat, right? Yeah, and is that different than the Rice Krispie Three Chefs? It seems like they're the same three chefs. Snap, Crackle, and Pop are little elf chefs for Rice Krispies. Oh, so aren't Cinnamon Toast Crunch also three chefs? I don't think so.

I thought it was just, oh, maybe it is three chefs, but they're just three older guys. I don't know. Yeah I thought it was just, oh, maybe it is three chefs, but they're just three older guys. I don't know. Yeah, it looks like three chefs. So there's three chefs for them and then also for Rice Krispies. That's weird. That's kind of weird. It's also weird that cereals have mascots at all.

No other food has a mascot. Yeah, Rice Krispie has Snap, Crackle, and Pop. That makes sense. Cinnamon Toast Crunch almost doesn't need a mascot because it's that good of a cereal. It's yeah i think it's just oh wait there that's so weird it is just three chefs one kind of really steals like the show i feel like they they shifted to just the white-haired chef guy yeah but um no oh yeah chef wendell um but originally there there were three which is interesting that must be the most fun part of making a cereal like anybody can be like yeah

it's like fucking graham crackers but small now golden grams but it's like all right now let's get to the brass tacks what's the animated fucking person animal or thing that's hawking this shit like for cookie crisp it was that like bandit and policeman right because he was constantly getting stolen yeah because that's how good the cereal was and there was always the dip like the tricks rabbit was never allowed to have tricks and that was like yeah he just always wanted like tricks are for kids the rabbit couldn't have it because the kids wanted it uh-huh and and then there were some mascots that were allowed to have the cereal oh and yeah that they love this because like the leprechaun lucky leprechaun they would often steal his lucky charms so he wouldn't yes also not allowed

to have the cereal but the two basically all the can sam was allowed to have as much fucking fruit loops as he wanted the greedy little foul yeah i guess but i don't know that seems like the easiest part like you just like i don't know there's like a fucking animal like a it could literally be any animal like all right so come up with what's like okay sorry there's like a backstory the easiest part is coming up with the mascot. Yeah, the mascot or the animal, yeah. Or it could even be an animal. Yeah, of course it can be an animal.

Several of the serials had animals, so that's not like an original. Yeah. Okay. Yes. And they're all animated. Like, it's never just like a picture of a lion and we're like, hey, have some of this honeycombs. No, that's not it, man. I know that is not it.

Yeah. Like there's no way a bee would fly out of a Honey Nut Cheerios box and you'd be excited to see them. But since it's like an animated bee, it's cute. It's like you're figuring out why mascots are good for the first time, but everybody else is already there. So yeah, sure. Go ahead.

If you think it's so easy, come up with a cereal and a mascot. Okay. It's chocolatey like flakes and there's like Sunny the bird and he's like cuckoo for them in a way. He's like gone insane. He's cuckoo for cuckoo bran or something. Right. Or even if it's chocolate puffs.

That's not really. Okay. So now you've stolen a mascot from Cocoa Puffs. There's a bird who's cuckoo for them. It's similar. It's the same. It's not similar. It's the exact same.

You even eventually shifted the cereal from flakes to puffs. Chocolate puffs. Yeah, Cocoa Puffs. It's the same. It's the same. So it's a bird named sunny or money or runny or whatever is that that even that might even be the bird's name yeah or fine how about this it's a fucking the cereal is eggs little eggs little right okay are they real eggs are

they actually tiny little eggs or they look like eggs it's kind of like syrupy ass eggs disgusting okay what's fine but you didn't say that that would be easy so it's hard to come up with a cereal what's the mascot for the eggs the mascot would be a chicken that's like they're coming out of my ass because he's basically laying the yeah he's basically you're cursing on the box I know so you want the children eating the cereal to have the eggs and the chicken saying it's coming out of my ass do you feel like that's an appropriate message to convey

to consumers little children do you feel like that's gonna make people want to eat cereal the maple eggs Kellogg's maple eggs yeah you think brand like kellogg's is yeah they're not gonna they're not gonna accept that as a cereal the chicken's name is charlie because it's always like charlie the chicken charlie the chicken's fine yeah charlie

the chicken's pretty that's good but why does why is his catch phrase it's coming out of my ass? Well, let's fucking, yeah, let's pitch on it then. But don't say the whole idea is bad. The cereal is also bad, but we're leaving that aside. Maple eggs? Kellogg's maple eggs. They're coming out of my ass. You just did it to your voice.

You just turned it into Tonyony the tiger fine then it's they're coming out of my ass we don't it's like i don't have an issue with the voice the slogan is a problem the coming out part or the last word the i mean really the entire thing but especially the last word they're coming out of me would also be disgusting. Oh, that's not bad, actually. Yes, it is. The chicken's name is Mimi, right? M-I-I.

Instead of his Charles. It's not even alliteration, so it's not fun to say. Actually, let's bring it back to the top. I-I-M-I-I is her name. It's a female mascot, which I think doesn't exist, which is kind of, honestly, I'm speaking truth to power when i say it's sexist to have it that way kellogg's now you're actually coming yes okay that's good female chicken which i think all chickens are anyway by definition that's right yeah named emi a i i m i i you mean and it's a maple egg that comes out of her oh they're they're coming out of my not twat but something like

where it's like yeah so bad so bad i wonder if there's a word that means that part of the chicken without necessarily having to say i hope pussy on a box of cereal all right i'm glad you have some fucking sense of shame around that but you still eat them, how about double entendre? Kellogg's maple eggs. Eat them out of my box. So it's like the chicken, yeah, it's like a cereal box. Disgusting. E-me-me? I-I-M-I-I, E-me.

Just E-me, eat them out of my box. And then you can basically eat it with whatever you want, almond milk, 2%. Yeah, there's no reason to fucking add milk to the end of your pitch, okay? Kellogg's has passed. They've passed. In the room? Yeah, in the room. Or they're going to have to talk about it.

On the Zoom. They passed on the Zoom. There are no new cereals, by the way. It feels like we created them all in 1958 and then we're just coasting like cornflakes frosted flakes fruit loops these have all been around since i was born yeah let's switch it up pops was good pops also gotta have my pops yeah i gotta have my pops i we should be pitching to magic spoon because they make fun cereal it's new it's good it's not terrible for you this is not even an ad i just personally

like them but they don't have the mascot that's what we need to put on the box we need to add a mascot and i don't think it should be mimi or emi i was wondering yeah i was wondering if it should be emi because i've already sort of fully fleshed out this backstory by the way you haven't fully fleshed out anything there's a farmer that tries to eat her that's pretty good and the farmer's kind of a bad guy in the world and now we're sort of developing ip around it and it can be a cartoon a cartoon yeah a sunday morning why would the farmer be wanting to eat emmy because because she's a chicken right but like you would in theory it's a it's an egg-laying chicken so the farmer kind of knows which where his bread is buttered he's gonna well he he already

has a bunch of chickens that lay real eggs and emmy is sort of this magical chicken that that fucking only lays this this this maple egg cereal thing that's not really good for a business on the farm so it's an egg shape it's not an actual egg it's like kind of like a puff or something as the same as like kicks might be don't don't consider it yeah probably better than what i was thinking which was gonna be cereal box filled with eggs yeah yeah you really haven't hads. You really haven't had an idea yet. You haven't had an idea. Charlie the Chicken was pretty good. Making Charlie the Chicken more feminine, pretty good. Giving Charlie, or E.M.E. the Chicken, a nemesis.

I think that's pretty good, Farmer. I'm on board. But everything else, because your idea was eggs in a box, and you said, they're coming out of my ass, twat, and box, and you said pussy at one point. So for that reason, I'm out. I honestly needed to hear that. You did? That's the kind of shit that drives me,

because I need an origin story where everyone tells me no, they needed to hear that like that's the kind of like shit that like drives me because like i need the i need an origin story where everyone tells me no and i figured out a way to make it happen captain crunch actually isn't bad in terms of like an a naval admiral themed who's in charge of cereal yeah yeah but captain crunch is just lucky charms without the marshmallows isn't it uh yeah it's similar i think lucky charms are a little more like cheerios and captain crunch is like that real puffy sweet fake corn cereal style fuck it was apple jacks just another bee how many times did they recycle the goddamn bee mascot the bee with apple jacks was so yeah was apple jacks a frog oh it was a

frog i was a frog i'm just thinking it was all right okay but i will say that there's also a frog for like smacks and stuff so we're we might be getting confused because right now i'm looking up apple jackson it looks like uh quite frankly a demented apple sort of mtv character from the early 90s with giant bug eyes and a demonic smile so maybe that's what apple jacks is now that seems fucking that seems like oh my god is that what that must be what it is now right that or was it always looks like toe jam and earl because it's he's also hanging out with a cinnamon stick apple jacks looks like it was the last cereal invented because it looks like the mascot was made in 2001 or something yeah or at the very least the last one that updated.

Because there's some really old boxes of Apple Jacks. And the original mascots were just like two Charlie Brown looking ass kids just like smiling and hanging out next to a bowl of cereal. Wow. There should be a cereal podcast. A deep dive. We'll call it cereal, but spelled like the food and not like the other podcast named cereal.

That's right. All right. Thanks to the inspo. Let's take another break. Come back. And yes, answer more questions. We really got to get through more questions. That's right.

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what do you think would be the best videos to get someone new into Jake and Amir, i.e. the best vids that give a good sense of the characters? My BF and I have been dating for seven months, and I just don't know where to start to make him a fan. Jesus, this is actually, I don't know the answer to this, but this is like a common question in our Reddit. And like a lot of people have like laid out very thoughtful like playlists i think that's good yeah that's i think that's what i would refer uh ellie to as well yeah search on our reddit reddit r slash jake and amir like somebody's like start with this episode and then go to this one because of this and then at this point you could do this one and it's giving it a lot more roadmap okay great yeah actually fuck it show him ace and jocelyn five then stare at him and ask him if he thinks these two grown-up acting like morons is funny and if not show an episode hallie part three that's what's up

and if he doesn't like that can i recommend party Season 2? So you sort of do a hard pivot into something that's like also a comedy, but ideally something else that we didn't do. Okay. Faith writes, my nephew's B'nai Mitzvah is in July. They want cash. Is that what I give them? Yeah, probably, if that's what they want. Throw some money at them.

I was thinking about various gifts when you were a kid the other day about how sometimes people would give you clothes and you're like, I get all my clothes from my mom for free. And sometimes my mom would give me clothes, like a sweater on Hanukkah. And it's like, this actually isn't a gift, mom. You also gave me a sweater two weeks ago four weeks ago and literally every day until today so I don't think this is a gift I think you feed me and clothe me that's the default that's the clothes that's a take clothes aren't a gift when you're a kid and everything is free, that's like, yeah, giving me a gift card to my mom's home cooking. Like, I'm getting that already. Thank you. Yeah.

A box of Apple Jacks. You don't have to give me that. No, yeah, I have that. I already do got it off my pops. That's carte blanche access to the fucking snack cupboard. I have that already. You don't have to give that to me i remember my uh uh my friend's sister uh was invited to my bar mitzvah and her boyfriend gave me a book for my bar mitzvah as

the gift and like you know sure thoughtful or whatever but like i will never forget opening the box and like seeing a book and be like what what the hell is this? A 13 year old boy getting a book called, I think it was called like Silent Coup for my bar mitzvah. It's so funny that you, but that's what you remember. No, I won't be reading this. But you only remember it because it was bad. That's right. I'll never forget getting a book and what the title of the book was. Every other good gift was completely forgotten and erased from my brain.

I remember after my bar mitzvah sitting in my friend joe's room with like the big shoebox full of cards and just opening each one up and they were all checks and adding all of the cash up and i was so excited so happy yeah it's like that's right but like really it's like your parents that are happy like they're the ones getting the money and it's sort of like reimbursing for the bar mitzvah that they just did. Why am I happy? Bar mitzvahs are expensive, and everyone gives you the gift of cash, which your parents then use to recoup their costs. Yeah, but you were opening it with your friend,

and it's like your parents weren't there? Yeah, they weren't there. Wow. It's like $180. I'm going to buy three Genesis games. And your parents are like, no, we'll take that money, too. Yeah, I brought all the checks home. And my dad was like, all right, sign the back of them.

They're mine. No! Get me a Super Nintendo. What the hell, Dad? You didn't do shit. I'm the one that learned the Haftorah. While he's at the bank yeah you didn't do shit dad i'm the one who held the yod and i deserve to be a god give me sixty dollars triple high i'm beginning to feel like a yod god yod. Are you seriously telling me the dancers that the DJ brought cost you cash?

I don't get that. That was a party. Everyone was just happy for me. By the way, we already knew how to do the Macarena, so I don't know what they were fucking explaining that shit for. Believe me, we know how to fucking electric slide. So what, we paid for all the little inflatable guitars that everyone got? Well, let's get those back. I didn't realize.

Another funny story about my bar mitzvah and the DJ was we had like a dance at school or something in seventh grade. And the DJ was going to be the DJ at my bar mitzvah. And then at the school dance, everyone was making fun of the DJ. And I was like, holy shit. I'm fucked. This is the guy that everyone hates. He's going to fucking be at my bar mitzvah.

You realize that's fucking social cancer. Like I can't have the shitty DJ that everyone at the school has already seen and made fun of be in charge of my party. And you fired him? But I was too nervous, shy, and introverted to say no. I was just like, oh, God, I really hope nobody remembers that this guy was the DJ. By the way, all DJs are the same.

They're all fine. They're all doing the same thing. They all play the exact same songs, do the exact same things. And I mean, in my town, it was just this, there was no options. It was just DJ Ari. He did everyone's bar mitzvah every weekend. Yeah. I wonder what happens to those DJs.

The same guy, same dancers, just a different venue, but everything else was the exact same. Right. And the venue is pretty much the same, just in a different banquet hall. They're all kind of the same bar mitzvah. Yeah. J8VRMm frappo the week asks have either of you guys gone overnight backpacking and if so where and did you like it and if not is that something you'll ever do a lot of acorns for a mere depending on the trail you love ha ha ha ha ha ha ha actually have a sense of humor about it it's funny i do have a sense of humor that's why i'm fucking laughing you're not laughing asshole's face freaking out you're

having a meltdown you just spun out you didn't have to read that out loud never gone overnight backpacking no you haven't are you on you went on like a kayak trip wasn't that like a backpacking trip that's right yeah you're right it was uh I guess I've never gone like with a tent in my backpack and I'm like, I'm going to walk for 18 miles, set up shop. Pack it up, walk for another 18, set up shop. That's legit. Yeah, I've never done that either. I've like, I've gone camping a bunch, and I used to, like, think that I wanted to go backpacking. But now, I don't know if I... You just need so much gear.

You need the gear, and you need the special kind of gear that needs to be light. And then, yeah, you need to hike with a fucking 20 to 30-pound backpack on that has every single thing that you're carrying. It's pretty insane. I would love to go on a backpacking trip with somebody that knows what they're doing and they have the gear. Yes, exactly. I help carry it and they know the spots. I just, planning a backpacking trip

sounds very hard and stressful and the mistakes that you make could be really costly. So I don't want to be in charge, but I'd be down to go. High risk, high reward, yeah. Yeah, so frappo organize a trip for me and jake yeah but why is it so much better than just regular camping where you take hikes and come back to the tent that you already set up that's the most annoying part you finally set up a tent and then in the morning you break it down you get somewhere else you have to do it all over again i think that it's like anyway that's

the kind of attitude i'll bring to the camping right yeah so you like wake up with a pristine view surrounded by nothing total seclusion and you say why is this better than camping in the lot tell me how this is better than a holiday in express does your outlet work in your car I'm not getting any bars. I have a TikTok feed to sort of scroll through. To get into the Olympic spirit, writes Super Steve. I guess the Olympics are coming up. We sort of forgot that they were delayed for a year and they may not happen soon. I love the Olympics.

I'm so amped. I'm excited. What event in track and field do you think you and Jake would be best at um I think prob it would have to be not good but what would you be the best right what would we be best at I think for me it would be like some kind of long distance run because I have I have a will that won't quit I don't have the raw athletic ability for like a pole vault or a shot put or a javelin. But like I could run through pain and not stop because I'm not supposed to yet. I don't think I would be doing it fastest, but I would at least finish that event, you know?

Like a 5,000 meter 5K. Yeah. Yeah. So just running basically. Yeah, that's probably my best bet. But not meter 5k. Yeah. Yeah. So just running basically. Yeah. That's probably my best bet. But not sprinting either. Yeah.

Just pretty fast running and like, yeah. Running through, Oh, my hip flexors hurt. Uh, my calves are strained, but I'm going to finish the race.

I might just walk it out from here, but otherwise I'm overall fine. Actually, fuck it. Shot put. Modern hip tap the lawn for me. Thank you for asking. walk it out from here but otherwise i'm overall fine actually fuck it shot put modern heptathlon for me thank you for asking that's javelin shot put discus meniscus as in i just tore my knee trying to figure out how to get this frisbee to go far and did i mention i have to pull out of

the hurdles because my leg actually really hurts and my hammy's tight and that ain't right and finally steeplechase yeah put me in a round and let me splash when i fall down steeplechase seems like it would be the most fun because you get to get wet yeah where do they put that they just put fucking hurdles that are more sturdy than regular hurdles and then puddles that can't be where the actual normal races are run you can't just start digging up holes and putting water in the actual track inner track and it's like with um tarps and shit or something yeah a slip and slide or some shit man i can't wait for the olympics though i love the decathlon that is my shit are they definitely happening i feel i keep hearing like mixed reports about whether um j Japan is equipped to handle

international travel to such a degree. Interesting. I haven't been looking at reports, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was in the ether. And that would be sad because I was really sad last year when they got canceled. Yeah. I guess you could just vaccinate literally everybody in that country and hope

for the best. Yeah. You know, I had a really nice sports day yesterday. I don't know if you heard, but... How would I have? Yeah. One of my favorite Formula One drivers got on the podium in Monaco. That's pretty...

Really? It's a pretty big deal. Shout out to Carlos Sainz. Carlos Sainz. In the Ferrari? Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's... Okay. out to carlos signs carlos signs uh in the ferrari yeah okay okay that's okay it's actually a really big deal because yeah he that's like the highest he's ever finished but okay um and then the other the other big deal was uh tottenham hotspur they came back from down 2-1 against Leicester to beat them 4-2, finishing ahead of Arsenal and number seven on the Premier League table,

which means they are in the Europa Conference League. So they're in the European League. It's a big deal. And then what about LeBron, your Laker friends? I looked at the scores. It's a shame LeBron, your Laker friends? I looked at the scores. It's a shame LeBron lost. It's a shame the Knicks lost. But all in all, it was a perfect day,

and I care little about basketball. Carlos Sainz, you have at this point above LeBron James in terms of what you're rooting for to happen. He won Monaco, was it? A Grand Prix. He didn't win Monaco. He got second place. He didn't win.

Verstappen won. He can't fucking touch Max Verstappen, okay? No one can. No one can. But Sainz was like fourth in the race. He was starting from the fourth position to finish second. Not that much.

Yeah, it's actually really good in Monaco because you don't, there's not a lot of overtaking in Monaco. It's not that kind of course. You don't really pass, you don't get fucking passed in Monaco. It's a street course. You don't fucking, yeah, it's hard. All the signs were there, Carlos or otherwise. I like that.

All right, a few more questions. Fine. If there was only one award to be given for this episode asks bend33 who does it go to and why interesting you got the turdy there was only one award you earned it early on

with your macabre performance about life and death I took home the golden mic for shouting out my man's signs and you didn't know shit about the monaco grand prix so what why did you add that in there you could have gotten the gold you got the golden mic you already gave me the 30s so i like reference and I didn't know shit about the Monaco Grand Prix. Is that like a separate issue? Chicken egg cereal thing. I mean, he's just suffering through that insane premise.

Gives me the golden mic. I really feel like. Would you say you suffer fools? I don't suffer fools. I don't think I do suffer fools. And that's one of the reasons why I get the golden mic for not suffering your ass. That's really cool um all right do you have a last question that sparked joy to you um yeah yeah i do uh excuse me okay yeah sure um whenever you can just yeah let's hear it oh actually this is great it's on on theme. Is Jake worried about Harry Kane leaving Tottenham Hotspurs?

Am I worried about our best player leaving the team? Where would he go? Man City, Chelsea, might go abroad, could go to... LA Galaxy? No. Barcelona, Paris. He wants to go somewhere where he can win trophies. And he can't do that at Tottenham.

Though he did win a trophy. He got the golden boot. The golden mic. Actually, that's pretty cool. Yeah, he gets the golden boot. I get the golden mic. I think that's really neat. Me and Harry Hotspur share some fucking hardware. That's really neat me and harry uh me and harry hotspur share share some

fucking hardware that's pretty neat i like that okay um yeah am i worried yes i'm i'm worried but also i respect him and i kind of agree i kind of agree with him so you're a hotspur fan that's like our best player should leave because he could win elsewhere. I mean, I love him. He's done a really great job. And I would prefer for him to stay. But if he left, I wouldn't be like, fuck this guy. I would be like, good on you, brother.

Go on. Carry on, you wayward spur. Yeah. Carry on. Coys. Coys! All right, cool. That's it. That's our spur. Yeah. Carry on. Coys. Coys! All right, cool. That's it.

That's our show. We got more questions. Maybe we'll answer them soon enough. We got them all here. We got to get through them all. Yeah. And if you want some more videos of us, our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA, weekly videos, animated sketches, If I Were You videos are there, Jake and Amir watch Jake and Amir's there.

Hundreds of videos. We've been doing it for over two years now. Damn. Check it out. Damn. The opening theme song, remember, was by Zilgi. Sure do. That was actually not the full theme song, but I thought, you know what?

It's two minutes long. Let's just play part of it up top, and we can end the episode with it. So shout out to Zilgi. Love it. long let's just play part of it up top and we can end the episode with it so shout out to zilgi love it and shout out to you guys for emailing your questions and your theme songs that address for everything is if i were a you show at gmail.com good work i'm gonna edit this and upload it right away thank you for listening we'll be back next week peace ciao everybody Thank you. There's a podcast that I know And the tone's a little broke But if you're confused It can be a dojo

If you're troubled to these dudes Seek advice from teachers They may know a little more than you know. It's easy to get lost in this world that we brought. You should take a little time, it's true. Just open up your heart and the healing can start. After emailing, if I were you. If I were you. if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, If I were you And then he gets the turkey

If I were you He looks real deserving If I were you If I were you That was a H of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.