Segments - 49: Jewish (with Micah Hurwitz)

Episode Date: December 30, 2013

Jake's little brother joins us to discuss religion, ex-boyfriends, and breaking Jake's nose. This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com! Don't ever pay full price for college textbooks again -- just go to SlugBooks.com/Amir or SlugBooks.com/Jake to buy and save. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and I don't think that's true. But now is the time. Now is the time that you guys are buying books. So if you are in college, go to slugbooks.com slash Jake or slugbooks.com slash Amir. I'm going to go back to school, man. I swear to God, I'm going to graduate. I'm going to graduate, to school, man. I swear to God, I'm going to graduate. I'm going to graduate, Dad. And guess what?

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because, one, Jake's brother joined us, and two, things got real, which was sort of a unique situation for us Which was nice To finally happen after After about 48 episodes It's high time

It's been a little while And things got real So please enjoy this very real episode Of If I Were You Thanks again Slugbooks, bye Yo, a lot of us in this world Get stuck in difficult places Sticky situations or snafus.

Sometimes we lack self-awareness or an objective perspective. But there's two guys who can help us and simultaneously make us laugh. That's right. There's Jake. He hopes he swiped right his wife, but let's face it, his life is a big left swipe. He needs female affection, sex with no connection. He's a clean-cut guy with a fairly white complexion than Amir. The bright-eyed, handsome Jew, a tad bit nerdy, but he's got welcome pubes. So let me welcome you to the Sickest Noob podcast hosted by two Jews.

If I were you. So? Nailed it. Better nailed it better finally yeah i think that was actually eminem and we thank you marshall that was actually a rough cut of rap god yeah insane yeah that was slowed down from three seconds uh he did it so quickly and we slowed it down and it sounded exactly like you'd lose yourself crazy it's actually our second lose yourself theme song the first one went off the rails a little bit but this one yeah this one he really figured it out reeled it in now it is a guy named sammy thanks sammy appreciate it uh this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake

and we have a little helper special guest dude today a little little elf. Out condescending. What are you talking about? We got a little helper. Yeah. We got a special little guy here. A little intern. Hey. Hey, pal. We're here with Jake's little brother, Micah.

Micah, say hi. Hey, I'm honored to be here. You are mortified to be here. You hate it. You're holding the microphone like a stinky banana. Get right up in there. The stinky thing in this room is your socks. I've never...

Micah was like, I think I smell bad. And then he's like, I can't tell. Oh, maybe it's my socks. And then I smelled them, and it smelled like instead of a foot in there, it was a log of shit. Really? Like his feet were shit. I'm pretty far away from his socks right now, and I could smell them. It smells like wet sweat.

Got to go in like a turbo vet um i'm embarrassed what i'm publicly shamed yeah well we'll get really yeah yeah no one's gonna be able to hear you unless you yeah get right yeah yeah we're not putting you on blast right now we just we just want people to hear you okay that's great that's perfect um good how's how's college going for you? We don't really get to interact with many college people. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's pretty good so far. It's not pretty good.

It's amazing. It's amazing. What year are you? I'm a second year. Sophomore? Sophomore. Where do you go to college? At UC Santa Barbara.

I'm asking because I'm not trying to enlighten our audience. I literally have no idea. I haven't spoken to my brother in four years. It's weird. It's crazy being here. This is what you wanted to do? This reunion to have it on a podcast?

I guess. I don't give a fuck. I do. This is my house. This is my home. You bring this vagrant, this transient, this shit footed shit footed ass he's hiding his feet you ever heard of someone who's sure footed micah's shit footed and that's for shit uh so micah i know you've never uh seen anything jake's ever done so let me explain to you how this little podcast show works basically people write in their uh

difficult places. They're in need of advice, basically, in some way, shape, or form, and so they'll email us, and we do our best to answer these questions and help these people out of their predicaments. Sometimes it's just us two, and sometimes we have a guest, and we figured, hey, you're here. You might as well

chime in with a 20-year-old's perspective. You're really downplaying the game. Sometimes it's just us. Sometimes we have a guest. And today, we have a little dude. A little half-Jake, I suppose. We could give you less of a microphone. Actually, I'm just going to cut that cord right there.

You just hold this dummy mic. It's like when you let a kid shave with a razor with no blade. What we're doing right now, Micah's sitting on Jake's lap, and they're sharing a microphone. We're going to let you drive, bud. How does that sound? All right. Are you ready to try to help us out?

Hell yeah. All right. Don't get too confident, actually. It's just going to be the brothers, actually. I think you're done in the podcast world. Micah, it's going to be the real brothers, me and're done in the podcast it's gonna be the real brothers me and jake no the real brothers you and micah what yeah it's also it's also one of those episodes that we're drinking a little during the show oh yeah another special one not micah though he's 20 oh of course i mean he can't drink not at uc santa barbara passing that joint though

just kidding just kidding just kidding I would never smoke weed. On the show. On the show. Yeah. All right. We're going to ask you some fun questions. By the way, I would smoke weed on the show. Sorry.

Just so we know. All right. We should do an episode where we're high. I'm afraid to do that. That's dangerous. Because you don't want anyone to know that you smoke weed? I've smoked a marijuana joint before actually it just gets me a little introspective smoked a fatty i'm not sure i'll be funny on it

that's the problem i contemplate my life by accident shit gets like sad when i'm on it actually um all right you want to dive right in let's do it uh all right we're uh these are real excuse me frog in my throat actually i think mike is putting a spell on me i think it's the stench from his socks it's like oozing down my esophagus well to be fair you have his toe in your mouth green steam um all right all right all right um What's a good theme for these fake names? Do you have any TV show or movies that you know a lot of characters from? Yeah, me neither.

Like Lord of the Rings. Okay, Lord of the Rings. That sounds good. We might have done that already. That's okay, that's okay. All right, go ahead. It's episode 49 or whatever. We can fudge a little bit.

Fair enough. So this one comes from, give me a guy's name from Lord of the Rings. Gimli. Gimli. Nice, quick with Gimli. Nice. Quick with Gimli. He does have a Gimli tattoo. All right. Gimli writes, hey, guys, I've got a girl problem.

This year my dad got a new job and my entire family had to move. For the first few weeks at my new school, I knew literally nobody, and my first real friend was a girl in my band class. It turns out we're interested in a lot of the same things, so we started hanging out almost every day for the next month. I finally got the courage to ask her out, and she said yes. Sounds great, right? Nope.

Turns out she's a Jew. I'm a passionate atheist and could never be in a serious relationship with a Jew. Should I break things off or stick around and try to get some? I know you guys like to make fun of people, but I would really appreciate some serious advice as well. Thanks, Gimli. Oh, Gimli. You had a perfect game going, Gimli. Fall on your axe, sir.

How dare you? Just this story got 99% towards Happily Ever After. It took a huge right anti-Semitic turn. It was like a teen movie. It was so nice. I moved. I asked a girl out in my band where we became friends. And I asked her out and she said yes. And then, sorry, no, she's a dirty, slimy rat Jew.

By the way, you know who else might be an atheist? A lot of the Jews you meet. You probably were also quote unquote Christian so this girl can also be a quote unquote Jew and also be as atheist as you. Maybe you can get to know her a little bit better and find out her feelings on God. That's true. You could definitely ask. I've never

heard of someone who's so violently atheist that he wouldn't... Is it possible to not date someone who's just part atheist that he wouldn't... Is it possible to not date someone who's just part of a religion, even if they're also an atheist? I don't think I would date someone if they believed in God. Well, this girl doesn't necessarily believe in God. She's just a Jew.

I'm a Jew. I don't necessarily believe in God. Necessarily? What does that mean? Well, you know, just in case. You're just afraid to say you don't believe in God. Just in case he wants to smite me. I don't necessarily believe in him, but unless he is, then I find it necessary to believe in him. But atheism doesn't seem like it's not any religion. Like, you can be in a religion and then also be an atheist.

I guess you can be, like, culturally Jewish and then not subscribe to, like, the actual, you know, the belief in God. Also, this guy is in high school, it sounds like culturally right culturally jewish and then not subscribe to like the actual you know the the belief in god also this guy's in high school it sounds like right yeah so it sounds like he's thinking planning a little bit too far ahead if this is his only friend and she's he's ready to sacrifice her to some sort of atheist god in high school i don't remember having a strong opinion on anything except for that dave matthews was the goddamn best he's the god he's god crashing to me sir i subscribe to that religion um michael what do you think you're uh do you believe in god um get really close to that microphone okay i hate to put you on this sort of a non-theistic perspective So is that different than atheism? Yeah

So what's non-theism versus atheism? The way I see it is If there is a God, great If there isn't, okay That's fine too But you're not ready to put You're like Is that agnosticism?

Where you're just unsure rather than atheism Which means you don't believe? Um, I don't Yeah, I guess so. It's closer to agnosticism. Your brother's a loser, dude. You know what fucking theisms are? I think God's a bitch.

Oh, my God. The way I feel like... I just, like, found out step by step throughout life that people have been lying to me. So like Tooth Fairy, bullshit. Easter Bunny, bullshit. Santa, bullshit. God is just the next one.

And I feel like I found out when I was like 18. I was like, oh, bullshit. How old were you when your parents told you that God wasn't real? So all the people that magically appear and give me presents aren't real, right? Easter Bunny's giving me chocolate. That's bullshit. Tooth Fairy, when my tooth falls out,

giving me money, bullshit. Santa Claus just shows up, gives me gifts. God just shows up, gives me everlasting life and a perfect utopia forever, forever, forever. No! That too is untrue, sir. Can we just all agree that the things that are too good to be true are not true at all at all i don't know well either way if there were a god you're

not going to heaven at this point i've put him on blast enough you're going straight to uh satan hellscape where i'll say there's like there's something about the universe that's like it's so i i at least appreciate how stupid i am and how little I know about the way things are and the way – not even like – I don't understand politics. I don't understand how a car works. I don't understand how the stars work. I don't understand how the universe was made. I don't understand anything. You're willing to admit that.

Yeah, maybe some fucking crazy-ass forces at work that I have no earthly comprehension of. But at the very least, I don't think that any other human beings just got it and were like, oh, yeah, God. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. It's God. It's God. So what if you meet an awesome lady?

She steals your heart. Loves camping. Loves hiking. Loves partying. Loves giving you the ability to hook up with other ladies if you want sort of polyamorous wow but and she doesn't want to hook up with other guys no she's like you can you can do whatever you want i will be yours all yours also my name is annie oh i wear bandanas annie or lily she wears a fucking is she blonde right there yeah oh my god yes she looks like jessica chastain yeah she looks like jessica chastain yeah she looks like jessica

chastain she has a fucking uh a golden lab or whatever the fuck doggy likes oh my god i like an australian okay an australian whatever yeah sure okay and then she's like i don't know uh i believe all that but at the same time i'm not 100 sure that god doesn't exist i don't know i kind of like being spiritual and i like leaving the the door open to the possibility that god exists yeah if she likes being i'm all for being spiritual i'm very spiritual okay what if she's like i do think i do believe in god i think there is someone bigger out there or not necessarily a person but i believe that there's something bigger than ourselves out there that's guiding the universe well i think if i met that girl then i would believe in god too uh i and i also think

that's like a nice way to look at it it's like if i can appreciate somebody believing in god like that like i believe that there's something bigger i believe that there's something guiding me i believe that things happen for a reason that there's some kind of design you do believe that no i don't believe that i can i can appreciate it what i don't like is being like oh um i believe in god and i believe in jesus and since you don't you're going to hell and oh man i feel sorry for you because you're definitely going to hell. Like, fuck off. Don't put that on me. You don't know any more than I do. Well, we know I'm believing the

right thing and you go to hell. Who knows? You're down with someone who's a little bit religious as long as they're not in your face or judging you. I'm down with anybody believing anything as long as they're not judging me based on what I believe. So back to this lady. Back to this girl. Which is what this guy's doing you're you you sir are like the app like an atheist shouldn't be

doing what you're doing you're judging her for believing in her belief she's not putting anything on you right she's uh if it had followed as as far as you know she might be uh atheist as well she just grew up in a jewish household yeah and honestly judaism is a very chill uh religion to be able to uh tangentially be involved with. It's not very intimidating at all. That's true. Lots of holidays that you just eat food, hang out with people. I guess that's kind of like Christianity, too.

My brother and I grew up in a dual religious household. My mom's Christian and my dad's Jewish. Would you align yourself any more one versus the other? Jewish, I'd say. Yeah, I think Jewishish though it's weird because we celebrate i feel like we celebrate the christian holidays more like we have a bigger celebration for christmas and easter than we do for like i guess we have passover so where does the jewish inclination come from we were both bar mitzvahed yeah we were bar mitzvahed i don't

believe that uh jesus was god's son for one that's a big one yeah so i guess like i don't believe that Jesus was God's son for one. That's a big one. Yeah. So I guess like I don't believe in one big thing in Judaism. Like I don't believe in God and in Christianity. I don't believe in God or that he had a son. So if we're starting at one strike against Judaism, two strikes against Christianity. Either way, they're both still at bat. We'll see who wins out.

But if somebody asks you, Micah, if you're jewish or not do you say i'm half jewish i usually say i'm jewish oh yeah you just say you're jewish yeah you don't say you're half sometimes i do it really depends on the context of the situation if a jew asks you you're jewish yeah absolutely but if a non-jew asks you you're half i would never talk to a non-jew it's half but you round up so this guy what's the what's the advice i don't write her off because she's jewish at least find out more about her yeah don't write her off because she's anything at this point i mean like it can never be in a serious relationship with a jew you're in high school and you're in and you're in band yeah take all

the friends you can get but jewish fucking buddhist zoroastrian do whatever the hell you want i don't care if this girl's a fucking Scientologist. Yeah, all right. You get that. You get that locked down while you still can. All right, cool. So are we going to tell him to get some? Oh, right.

Is that what he said? Yeah. So his two options are should I break things off or stick around and try to get some? Try to get some. Yeah. Well, maybe I would to uh inject a third option which is just get to know her a little bit before you write her off don't just use her yeah if anything she doesn't deserve you don't deserve her now wait which one is the one that makes her

sound better she doesn't you don't deserve her yeah you don't deserve her yeah okay so we're all on the same page what do you think would you Would you agree? Disagree? I agree. All right. There we have it. From 20 to 28 to 30-year-olds, we're all on the same page over here. Ta-da. Crazy. Ten-year gap. Next question. Give me another person from Lord of the Rings.

A dude. Legolas? Yeah. Legolas. All right. Am I even saying that correctly? Legolas? Legolas.

Legolas. It depends who's saying it. Hey, guys. I'm in high school, and I think my girlfriend is going to dump me. She has started to get closer with her ex and she has started to prefer to hang out with him rather than me. Even though she has said that she hates him but would do anything for him, she claims that anything meant that if he was in trouble. But I'm still not sure if she likes me anymore. What should I do?

Love, Legolas. I'm afraid your girlfriend's gonna dump you too legolas yeah and there's nothing you can really do at this point yeah i think i think it's already gone i think um she prefers to hang out with her ex to you i don't think you should have given her this opportunity to dump you i think as soon as you got to beat her to the punch as soon as there was that the shift in that paradigm i think you you you needed to beat her to the punch. As soon as there was the shift in that paradigm, I think you needed to dump her. Yeah. I think you can't.

Also, I hate him, but I would do anything for him. Not at all if he was in trouble. Yeah, I don't know. What? What a weird loophole that is. To make matters worse, she's a Jew. A dirty one at that. A dirty, dirty jewess um god if your girlfriend is starting

if even if you're starting to even it's she's hanging out with her ex-boyfriend enough for you to even suspect that she prefers him to you i say you beat her to the punch and break up with her before i remember that when i was in high school like you would find out that someone was gonna dump you and you'd want you'd like need to dump them first it didn't even matter if you liked them or not it was just like i can't be dumped that's what this guy should do dump her before she dumps you yeah but then like what's i don't well i guess it's like don't dump her because she's gonna dump you dump her because you she shouldn't be hanging out with her ex-boyfriend more than she hangs out with you that's insane she would do anything for him wait what do you mean no like if he was in trouble i would do anything for him but i think

that's also an unhealthy thing when somebody has an ex that they're like still super super close to like he's my best friend i would do anything for him like um no you won't you're no that's not allowed yeah i haven't quite experienced that but that seems like a very sticky place but what if like you went out with someone at like age 17 or 16 and then like at age 28 you're like really good friends with them is that a pass 16 or so yes i think every 10 years it resets 10 years you're a different human 10 years so like let's say when mike is 30 do you have a girlfriend in high school micah yeah sorry i can't hear you're not speaking to the microphone yes i did have a girlfriend in high school uh and how old were you um 18 and then when did you guys break up uh when i was still 18 nice like four months are you guys still

close yeah you have to never see her again if you want to would you do anything for her? No. Would you do anything for her if she was in trouble? Yeah, well, that's like a trouble meme. Is she in a burning building? Yeah, well, I'll rescue her. No, then we're through. I wouldn't rescue anyone in a burning building. I'm not trying to catch on fire.

That's dangerous. Yo, if your ex is in a burning building, you've got to call 911. Don't go in there yourself. Nah. You ass. Nah, nah. There's a starving child in the basement of this burning building. I'm scared of fire.

I ain't trying to get burned. What are you, confident and cool? I fear pain. I fear death. I fear smoke and I fear flames. What is this? A cowardly man, but he's like a cowardly pimp sorry bitches i'm afraid i'm getting hurt peace later i'm out

emotionally or physically both bitch peace out boosesces, goodbye. I'm gone. Deuces, goodbye. I'm gone. I fear everything. I fear the dark. I fear confrontation. I fear snakes, spiders, and I fear dying alone. So what don't you fear? Nothing. Pussy. I ain't afraid of pussy.

Unless it's pussy, I fear may have a disease That loose meat That goose meat That loose meat That goose meat Get up inside that caboose meat I don't know I don't ever want to eat caboose meat

That's butt meat I know You know You ever take a little bite Out of somebody's ass No I don't want to bite You ever take a little bite Out of an ass

A little honey baked ham Chomp chomp Chomp chomp A little skin turkey I'll bite an ass? A little honey baked ham. Chomp, chomp. Chomp, chomp. A little skin turkey. I'll bite an ass. I don't give a fuck. You shouldn't.

You should give a fuck. My mama listen to this podcast, though. I'll bite an ass. I don't give a fuck, though. Micah's mom, too, you know. Do you feel weird that I say this stuff to mom? We're not saying it directly to her. That's fair.

He's got a point. So what would you tell this guy? What should he do break up with your girlfriend michael um i think you should give her an ultimatum wow an ultimate matum young michael coming out coming coming out here with the contradictory advice man what are we talking about outside i thought we were brothers brother we can't we gotta see eye to eye on everything i'm issuing you an ultimatum what do you but ultimatums it's so like i don't know that's so weird that's so serious yeah maybe but not like more like of an implicit ultimatum like if you're not going to be in this 100 percent then i don't think i can be with you

no but i'm in it 100 i just still really like rod and then at that point do you dump the chump yeah well yeah i think so don't i just feel like hanging out with her ex like deteriorates the foundation of the relationship so much that it's like hard to come back from it i feel like breaking up is the ultimatum it's almost like hey it's the ultimate leverage you're like yeah because you're willing i actually don't feel comfortable with the amount that you hang out with your ex-boyfriend i uh it makes me feel uncomfortable and sad most of the time and i realized i don't want to be with somebody that makes me feel like that so i wish you the best we've had a nice experience and then that's sort of and that that's sort of what michael was saying the implicit ultimatum which is like i'm not saying uh never talk to your boyfriend i'll leave you i'm saying i'll leave you and then

if that forces you to say oh i don't want to speak to him anymore i'd rather be with you then you can be like she's already fucking rod at this point no that's cool oh i would do anything for you especially if you were in trouble. Tell me you're in fucking trouble. Tell me you're in fucking trouble, you little bitch. Yeah, I'm in trouble. I have a girlfriend and I'm fucking you. That's the kind of trouble that I'm in.

That counts. That fucking counts, I swear to God. All right, there it is. What do you say? No, you gotta... I'm not done with any seeds of doubt. If this girl is hanging out with her ex, even if she's saying I would do anything for him in any situation, whether it's in trouble or not, it's not worth hanging around. Although that's easy to say from my perspective because I don't give a shit about this guy's relationship.

You don't give a shit about this guy. I don't give a shit about anything. I barely give a shit about me. What do you mean barely? He don't give a shit about you at all. What a shit about me. What do you mean barely? You don't give a shit about you at all. What do you mean, man? You take bad care of yourself. You look awful right now.

What are you talking about? I look awful. You look like you lost 40 pounds. I did lose 40 pounds. You're not eating. No, I don't need to eat. It's like I've never seen someone so skinny and have a gut. When was the last time you brushed your teeth?

Yeah, they're falling out. I don't know, Wisconsin. When was that? Yeah, one of teeth? Yeah, they're falling out. I don't know, Wisconsin. When was that? Yeah, one of your canines just fell onto the bed. This is insane. Right here. Oh, my God. Your ear's dangling.

What do you want me to say? I think you have leprosy. You're a Mr. Potato Head, but your face is not arranged by someone who knows how things work. you're a mr potato head but your face is uh not arranged by someone who knows how things work you're a picasso you're a goddamn uh i don't know what is picasso's what is that you're in college you know shit like that what's his uh abstract abstract art you're an abstract painting it's yeah something impressionism? I don't know. Cubism? You should be smarter than us because you're still learning.

I don't know. We haven't taken a class in eight years. Jake Borderline never took a class. What do you mean Borderline? I never took a class. What was the last class

you got an A in? Only one. I mean, all through college. But it was the last class that I took. In college you got an A? Creative writing at Hunter College.

A. A. Nailed it. Nailed it. How are your grades, Micah? Are you a better student than Jake was? I think so. Well, already you're a better student because you completed two semesters of college.

Oh, wait. Actually, I think officially with this semester, you just finished your third quarter? Fourth quarter? It's my third quarter so i think you're ahead academically of your older brother no we're on i think we're on the same pace i'm a second semester sophomore so you guys are both you guys are both second semester sophomores at this point brother you can officially no longer look up to this fucking fat coward. Excuse you. I'm sorry. I'm not fat.

Sure you are. Oh, you're going to call the gut fat. You jolly little... It's a food baby. Yeah, because I've eaten a lot of food in the last few months. And much like your mom, I think you have food triplets. Okay, that is absolutely more than enough. I have a food baby, and you're ridiculing it.

Oh, I can feel it kicking. That little cheeseburger's going to be a soccer player, I think. Speaking of cheeseburgers. Your belly is extraordinary. Can I take a photo of it, or are you too embarrassed? Absolutely not. You can take a photo of it in fucking four weeks when it's a goddamn six pack. You're being glinted out of it.

You're suffering from delusions of grandeur. It's funny how you guys see the realist version of me in this room right here. I would never show this to anyone. Every next weekend is your last hurrah. This is it. And then I'm going gonna go on a diet i'm gonna exercise every day just one more that's not more weekend this party's gonna be sick that sounds like your college motto is every next weekend is your last hurrah that's like the ucsb

motto pre-next it's true i think that we talk about this a lot you're just like all right like me and mike are hanging out like okay i'm gonna have like i'm gonna get in and out but like dude on monday i'm gonna i'm just gonna start my diet and then like monday comes like oh fuck there's like just traveling a shitload this week so i'm gonna like fucking binge out be an idiot and then like after next weekend that's it this is the last hurrah right now yeah then next week it's like oh fuck man it's like it's thanksgiving it's like holidays i'm gonna probably just eat a lot So like, this is the last hurrah

After that I'm gonna really get on point The problem is, with your life Your life is a last hurrah Your entire life, there's no reason for you to ever Make a change I live my life on the cusp, on the edge, on the brink Does that make me a hero? Yeah

No it does not Does it make me a hero? No, it makes you the opposite of a hero A hero has willpower, a hero? Yeah. No, it does not. Does it make me a hero? No. Yes. It makes you the opposite of a hero. A hero has willpower. A hero has determination of a force to change. The only change you're doing is slowly becoming lazier. Can I interrupt you? No, you cannot interrupt me.

Do you mind if I interject for one second? Yes, I do mind. Well, then go ahead. Make me cry. Go ahead. You ever see Superman shed a tear? Because this is what's about to happen oh and here come the waterworks this hateful this hateful speech is a kryptonite to me

this all this is probably a fucking water weight in my stomach i swear i take one piss and i have a fucking eight pack i've seen it happen before it's funny because micah is one of the strongest people i know yeah because jack it's funny to look up to your little brother. Yeah, I mean, I text Micah for workouts. Yeah, not that you ever work out. That's not fair, dude. I work out. Micah, you see me work out.

Absolutely. Micah's a good influence on you, and you're a bad influence on him. You don't work out a lot, but when you do work out throw up yeah dude you shouldn't say but you don't work out a lot but when you do you're so sick you're still like that you puke that's because it's so hard the better way to say that is you don't work out a lot so when you do you throw up no i i was Was it this summer that I yarked in the yard? Yeah. Are you stronger now than Jake's ever been? What do you think, Jake?

I don't know. I mean, I think he's definitely stronger right now than I am right now. Yeah. That's 100%. No, yeah, of course. Wait, did I beat you in arm wrestling, though? When? That sounded like a big, strong...

We got in a fight that one time, and then you had to stop because you were bleeding. That's not fair. I got you to the ground. We stopped because I got to the ground, and then we stood up, and I was bleeding. I won the fight. This is insane. Your face was covered in tears and blood. You're putting me on blast when I won.

I beat you. I pinned you. That's so funny. That's just because you're a bigger guy. I'm bigger and stronger. Bigger, better, faster. I wrestled you to the ground, and I pinned you. That's so funny. Not just because you're a bigger guy. Yeah, I'm bigger and stronger. Yes, bigger, better, faster. I wrestled you to the ground and I pinned you there. And then we stood up and, oh, I guess while I was holding you against the cement ground and you were saying, please let me up, we're done, we're done, I guess your elbow brushed

my gum and my mouth was bleeding. That's not how I remember it. Well, yeah, of course that's not how I remember it. I was hanging out with my friends and you and the Rosenberg twins. You and the Rosenberg twins. Try for Uncle Jake to take a puff. What are you homos smoking? They were smoking.

They were. We were smoking and hanging out. Then you guys like came in. You wanted to get rowdy. You wanted to pregame. You were going downtown that night. And I was like, okay, whatever, man. It's so funny that you're eight years older than micah crashing his shit like like you're his little brother dude i was just popping

in the shit say what's up and then you started getting you started you try you started trying to go ham on on your big bro and i was like all right i ain't gonna i'm not gonna i'm gonna throw down i gotta assert my dominance we got into it. I, you slipped. You accidentally, um, clocked me in the face. I cried. I ran to dad. There was two fights that I remember.

I got in with Micah, uh, one in the kitchen. We were just like, we're wrestling on the ground. And dad started, dad was screaming at us to stop, but we were like wrestling.

And then he started spraying us with the, with this, like the, the dishwasher thing at the sink. It was like, so everyone in my family is screaming us to stop my dad's yelling stop it stop it he starts spraying us with the hose which only makes matters worse it was like some kind of crazy sitcom the other one is I was trying to get I was on the computer once I had I'm sorry for this you're trying to get me out you're like trying to you're

getting mad because i wouldn't get off the computer what were you doing on the computer it was like on a i am it's like i can do and i have to do homework i'm talking to my fucking friends straight chatting we had one we had one computer and then we got into like some kind of wrestling match i grabbed his arms i like held him he was like basically facing he basically facing away from me. So I had his arms held, basically crossed in front of him. I'm mad that you were arresting me. It's like the same position. Yeah, so I was arresting him.

And he just lowered his head. And when he was little, his head right now was always that size. Even as a baby. Even as a 10-year-old, his head was just fucking... It was like a boulder. He lowered his head and just threw it was like a boulder he lowered his head and just threw it back into my nose like yeah my nose exploded he broke your nose yeah like you know what it feels like to be like 17 years old and have your

nine-year-old brother kick the shit out of you i was a senior in high school and my brother broke my nose with his head. You had to tell people you got a nose job just to justify the situation. Usually it's the other way around. You get a nose job and say that you got beat up. And I never ever – like that was – yeah, he won. I didn't even retaliate. He broke your nose?

He literally broke your nose? I told my mom. I got in trouble because Micah had to do his homework and I couldn't I was allowed to be on the computer anyway you were wrong twice and then your little nine year old brother broke your nose

you really fucked up the back of my head on that one good times great times bad times actually yeah I wish I the Hurwitz brothers.

The brothers Hurwitz. I never fought with my brothers. Did they never kick the shit out of you? No. All right. Wow. Moving on to the third question. You guys ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. Getting back into advice mode? Yep. We'll call this person. You know, he gives himself a nickname at the end, so let's just stay tuned on that. Hey, dudes. I've been having a problem with a girl in my class she has been telling people that she likes me and wants me to ask her out sounds great so

far right wrong the girl is a fucking whale the girl is funny and has a nice personality but i would be totally embarrassed to be seen with her am i a dick should i just not care what my friends will think of me or should i toss this bitch a card for Greenpeace? Yours sincerely, King Faggot. Excuse us! I want to clarify that we would never, ever, ever utter that hateful slur on this podcast if not to illustrate what a reprehensible, irredeemable, complete and total asshole that this King F is.

You are garbage, trash, subhuman waste, scum, bottom of the barrel, stinking dirt. I swear to God. That's it. So I traced his IP and it came from your email address. Alright, chill. What? Chill.

This email was... You chill on that. Don't even. This is the second email we've gotten where, sounds great so far, right? Wrong. But when the guy's wrong, it does sound great so far, right? Yeah, it's fine.

You're, no. He even says that she's funny and has nice personality what does it care what do you care if somebody has a crush on you i don't understand what's so bad about that i under the thing is i get i don't want to agree with him in any sense because of uh the way that email was written but i understand not being attracted to someone that has a crush on you that happens that was to everybody right like oh this girl me, but I'm not attracted to her for many reasons. Because they're not your type. Because whatever.

You don't have to call somebody a whale. You don't have to be this way. Should he toss this bitch a green card for Greenpeace? He should toss himself into a pool of lava. Oh, my gosh. Wow. He should toss himself into the mouth of an actual whale. That'd be fun.

That would be good. Yeah, I don't know what else to say. I mean, we really put this, we blasted this guy. We put this guy on blast. A well-deserved, what day is this podcast coming out? Probably Monday. A well-deserved Monday blast. Yeah.

You're a blast hole. You've been blasted off michael what do you think bud i just think you phrased it very poorly yeah it's it's kind of it's an understandable dilemma to have oh okay he's zooming out a little bit saying maybe uh if somebody who you deem unattractive whether she's large or anything else uh has a crush on you is that should that be embarrassing at all no isn't it isn't it flattering if somebody likes you what do you do when somebody likes you that you don't that you don't uh reciprocate you're a good looking guy you go to college you get it when i don't like them back yeah yeah and they express interest right i usually sort of brush them off a little bit, but like in a nice way.

Right. By just dodging their texts. Yeah. Trying to like bail on plans. Exactly. That's a good attitude to have. Conversely, when somebody has a crush on me and I find them unattractive, I fuck them. Is that average behavior?

Is that normal? Is that good? Is that normal? Is that good? Is that healthy? Mom? Dad? Someone out there listening, is it normal if you don't like someone to fuck them? I don't like your personality. I don't like your looks.

And you make me hard and I want to be inside you. Why? Why? Why? That doesn't make sense. You're yelling at your own brain. I'm staring in the mirror, screaming at my dick. This is your advice podcast. Yeah, I'm trying to listen to myself.

Did I tell you about that time I was on drugs in that bathroom? Mm-hmm. Where I looked down at my penis and I was like, you... I was peeing and I was on my... I was like peeing and looking at my text. And I realized I had this like fucking crazy realization. I was like, I looked at my penis like, you are the boss. And this phone is your little minion.

You control... Like this little fucking skin tab on the end of my on the end of my pubis you can general you control everything yeah like the phone just does your bidding yeah and then the body is just a willing servant i really think if i if i got rid of the phone if i got rid of my phone i'd be saved and if only your dick wanted it otherwise i mean your brain can want it but that won't mean anything until your dick does but you can cut off your penis i if i was a eunuch i think about that sometimes maybe in your worst nightmares you think about that i think about being a eunuch when people when i was getting my std test i

thought about like if i had some crazy um bad std like if i had aids because i didn't know if i had it what if i had something right if i did have something then i would be like i feel like that would be like this sobering thought like i can't sleep with anyone i can't give them aids so that was sort of like being like a eunuch right because it's like it it eliminates 99.9 percent of the potential uh lady population that you're hoping to stop yeah what do you mean 99.9% of the potential lady population that you're hoping to shtup. Yeah, what do you mean 99.9%? Even if you have AIDS, you're not supposed to have sex with people. What about with people who have AIDS? Yeah, you're not supposed to.

Oh, really? I don't know why, but I remember reading that you're not supposed to. Or that you're supposed to use condoms. Are there different subtypes of the virus? You can get double AIDS? I don't think you get double AIDS, but I think what Micah said, subtypes of the virus. I'm not fucking smart, but yeah. I mean, look at me. I don't get

that. I don't get shit. I don't get shit, and I don't get shit done. We're actually out of time, if you can imagine. Whoa, we only answered three. I know, but we're past 40 minutes, and I don't want to go too long. We got to keep it short. We got to leave people wanting more.

All right. And we've got to take Micah to the airport more than anything else. Oh, yeah, young Michael. So thanks so much for joining us, Micah. Thank you for having me. Was this an eye-opening experience for you? It really was. Yeah.

It's kind of cool for you, right? I feel enlightened. Yeah. That's how I feel. I feel enlightened, and I feel frightened. Thanks to you guys for listening. If you find yourself in your own sticky situation, you can email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

We're also accepting theme song submissions. We begin every show with a new original theme song written by a fan of ours, and we end every show with one as well. That first one was written by... Sam. Sammy. And this last one is also pretty awesome. It was written by a fan of ours and we end every show with one as well. That first one was written by Sam. Sammy. And this last one is also pretty awesome

is written by Michelle. So yeah, I think this is going to be our New Year's episode so happy New Year's guys. This is our last podcast of 2013. And ever.

And we began We had a good run. What? We had a good run. It's funny to think that and I think we're done. We started 2013 without even having a podcast, without even thinking to do a podcast,

and now I can't imagine 2014 without a podcast. It's crazy. What a difference a year makes. Where will we be in a year? Micah, you'll be a junior, maybe suicidal in some way. I'll be a pretty successful either entrepreneur or businessman. I haven be a pretty successful either entrepreneur

or businessman. I haven't quite decided yet. Lady of the night. Jake will be close to 320 pounds. I don't know. Easy does it. I'm a mental institution. Easy does it. I weigh 180 pounds. I weigh a buck 80. Come at me, dude.

I'm serious. I'll throw my weight around. I'm a beefy motherfucking now. I'm beefy. You're turning into a cheese dude. I'm serious. I'll throw my weight around. I'm a beefy motherfucker now. I'm beefy. I'm beefy. You're turning into a cheeseburger. I'm beefy. Yeah, I'm beefy. I'm beefy.

Yeah, I'm beefy. Yeah, we're going to stop now. Pull up McDonald's with the ceiling missing. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back in the new year. Later. much for listening everybody we'll be back in the new year later i'm just suggesting jake and amir might just be the best thing text text it or you can just email the show at if i were you show.com i think you should do it Come on along and sing Seize the cheese, don't be a little shit

I've been sitting here so long You asked the question wrong Maybe next time Starbucks can help you die This show is the tits you cannot miss And I haven't had enough, I haven't had enough Kick ass dead, time to bounce. Get those noodles somewhere else. Traveling around the world, these guys are the real deal.

Jake's mom is the tits, you cannot miss. I haven't had enough, I haven't had enough. Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting. Jake and Amir might just be the best thing.