Segments - 490: Game Night

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

In this episode we discuss moms, games, and Headgum Internships!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing

that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. I tried an email in the dead of the night My girl cheated on me with my best friend Was it something I said or something I did? Did he think her pussy was tight? Though I tried not to write you Though I tried But I guess I'll write into If I were you Here's what I'd do Um, here's a chipmunk

Jake's dad is a gourd If I were you Show at gmail.com or some shit. I don't know. They didn't pay me for this. Whoa. Nice. Whoa.

Are you kidding me with that? That was awesome. I wish she didn't insult my father. That was kind of an inside joke from the podcast. You constantly call your dad a pumpkin man. He's a real pumpkin man that'll ever give a pumpkin. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What was that?

That was a John Lennon impression. It was like the Beatles. She's a real nowhere man. The Beatles, you're insulting Lennon's legacy, and you're insulting my old man. I don't even ask for that. What'd you call him? A pumpkin?

I called him a pumpkin man. That's tacky. That's tacky. It's a runner. It's a bit. It's a goof. We were just joking along. It wasn't just me, by the way.

It was this guy, Matthew, who attached a parody of every rose has its thorn by poison did you know that song oh um i mean i know that song but i didn't recognize that song every rose has its thorn it's kind of like about how sometimes flowers look fine but ultimately when you touch them they fucking kill so it's like what's the point of even gardening because at the same time you can have tulips and it doesn't i don't think the songs i don't think the song was meant to be taken that literally really you think that every rose has its thorn is about fucking gardening it's about identifying flora and fauna that's why the next line is most tulips look like this and then in the music video

they basically show what it looks like so that you can identify it and then that way when you're on a hike or something you can impress a chick by being like that's a rose it has a thorn that's tulips now why don't you kiss my tulips and then you lean in basically and you go for the smooch because i mean it's date number four why are we taking shit so slow you are really dating yourself with this weird courtship metaphor where you're on a walk in a fucking garden i'm actually dating myself it's me and myself walking through this public park and i'm sort of identifying flowers to myself and trying and you're you're trying to convince yourself to perform auto fellatio but

you're you're horny and prude at the same time all right that's enough uh this is the first ever theme song submission by matthew aka matt so shout out to matt nothing to plug thank you um but i guess his instagram at matthew underscore lucente l-u-c-e-n-t-e thanks matt all right crazy thank you you think that anybody's gonna follow matt what do you mean why would they right it's like all right that song was pretty good and now i want to see matt on a fucking hike they follow me because i'm i have an interesting life and i have an interesting life yeah you're not married and all you do is post photos of your fucking dog and like yeah right if i look at your instagram right now i don't think you've left fascinating you've barely left your living room in what seems like a year and a half.

Even longer. Yeah. Just in case. But like, I feel like I'm the most interesting man in the world. No, you're not. Let me look at, let's pull up your Instagram and see. Well, don't look now because I've been clinically depressed for a year. So like all this shit is actually coming through my art.

Yeah. Okay. A lot of the times you can see the pain of the eyes behind the mouth. depressed for a year so like all this shit is actually coming through my art yeah okay a lot of the times you can see the pain of the eyes behind the mouth here's a photo a selfie of you in sunglasses with a mask i almost got canceled for that people thought i was sort of virtue signaling wearing a mask outdoors when it wasn't necessarily called for by the c so I had my ass trolled and kicked out of class for that what's the what's the photo before that the photo before that is it's it's a screenshot from that's funny article that talked about our dating app so that's just that's actually really fascinating yeah before before that it's a screenshot of a text conversation that you had with an amazon

rep yeah as a goof you that was that actually played really really well engagement wise how many comments and likes did it have not that i care really really you just didn't answer it how many likes does it have it has 5 000 likes that's actually really good for me but yeah what's the photo before that yeah it's a really really dark photo where avital is doing stand-up super super tiny in the bottom third yeah that was sort of like slice of life style ansel adams photography slice of whilst whilst i was playing with like sort of lightness and darkness in terms of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel

because it started to be like I'm not gonna give you this platform to explain your Instagram yeah no for sure you fucking love you're eating this shit up. You want me to say, you want me to fucking announce every photo.

What's the one before that? That it played well, or that it's a slice of life. Before that, it's another fucking screenshot of you, of a text thread of you telling a delivery person that you're famous. That's a goof. Yeah. Oh, this is, yeah, somebody got your somebody gave texted the wrong number they asked if you could cover uh their shift that was actually somebody doxing me i would get like uh thousands of texts from strangers to the point where i couldn't even block the

numbers fast enough i guess i guess my phone number leaked or something and people were taking advantage of that which kind of sucked to see slash hear. At a certain point, they were egging my fucking dog. Who does that? Egging your dog? Actually, I mean, not to turn this into a podcast about me, but while walking around the neighborhood more and more, you know, because trying to get some exercise in on the daily slash reg i keep seeing this um celebrity that lives near me like a real fucking star a movie star basically really and i i don't need to name names but like there's he's kind of a big deal and like

i want to be able to walk up to him and be like by the way i know you i assume you know me we can i don't know if you want a double date or anything like we're both walking around our neighborhood a couple of celebs hoping you know if they have a significant other they do have a significant other and that person is also famous like this is the kind of life that's why you want to do that double date yeah i want to sort of get in on that circle. Have you waved? Do you smile? Do you nod?

Sometimes I'll do like the head up, the head down. And like, I'm so fucking nervous slash scared. I don't even clock his response. Like maybe he's doing it back to me in a way that like he probably watched our videos growing up. No, I don't think so.

I assume that he doesn't know who you are right how do i right how do i get him to know that i'm also with podcast i have fans and my what if you trip in front of you're on your phone you trip on in front of him but it lands face up and he all of a sudden sees okay bloomers tiktok open 2.1 million loops or whatever the fuck right so then so then he's like oh shit a fellow fame i didn't realize that because he would he see the amount of plays my talk has because it's kind of an impressive number that's true i think if you if your phone landed is open to the viral one yeah if it's open if it falls face and up and he can see it should i fall face up

you don't have to just should i hit clip the back of my head so you you're completely out of it you wake wake up, your phone, your wallet are both gone. He stole it? Or this guy sort of... Or he left you and someone else robbed you. I wonder if his girlfriend knows who I am, because she's also a pretty big deal. In my old neighborhood, Jill and I ran into a famous couple as well.

And then did you want to be like by the way shot the breeze we like you had chatted for a little bit because there were a lot of people walking around and you're like hey isn't it fucking insane how neighborhood goes with regards to being famous you guys being you and then being chill over here she's more of like behind the scenes but like i have a pretty popular partner do you know okay bloomer on instagram she was working at principato yeah it was they had to at least have known the same agents in the same circles this podcast is getting really inside baseball now but i feel like i need to know who your fame is i think i'll i don't want to tell you in case like somebody actually knows this person and then it's like oh this guy's a fucking creepy ass loser why is he

talking so much about me and naming my name on the podcast that makes sense so will you tell me and we'll bleep it out i'll tell you but you probably have never even heard of this guy then they're not famous he's low-key d-list he's low-key d-list what less famous than you way less famous he's me in 10 years what so you're on that you're admitting you're on the decline he's me in 10 years matthew mcconaughey's speech was about how he's always trying to be better you're saying this guy's so bad that he's you in 10 years i'm on the b list and i'm on the c klein aka i'll be posing for calvin klein then the c list in three years and by the time I'm his age, he's younger than me, but by the time I'm his age in ten years, I'll be on the

D-list with him. And I fear that tripping in front of him won't actually get the job done with regards to what I'm trying to do, which is, there's nothing better than going to a fucking dinner party with celebrities, if that makes sense. Like, for me to share a meal buffet style with

emile hirsch like that level of person not that not that that's the guy that i see but like it could be an emile hirsch level person if that makes sense okay so emile hirsch is not that famous he's like imagine sharing a meal with him a meal with a meal how good would that be how good would that feel to share a meal with a meal if you get it for a good deal that would be a steal i mean a steal of a deal to feel a meal with a meal and guess what we're eating grilled seal because that's how the way yeah no way you're eating an endangered species fuck no no way no how anyway let's get to the point of the show which is actually an advice podcast i i asked you for advice and you gave me some shitty ass thing about tripping next to him which i'll try but i really doubt it's gonna actually move the needle

i feel like it could for a meal level guy to see me like that face down on my teeth i didn't say for you to fall i said for you to drop your phone really you added the falling face up and down clip your head now your teeth you could i mean if you really hurt yourself in front of him if you really eat shit and he needs to help you he might learn your name and then find out that you low-key have a small following on social media small but loyal but that all kind of trolls you in the comments and stuff so the girlfriend is not lord but it might as well be lord. And I might as well be royal to have a dinner with her and her Emile-esque boyfriend, which is not a milherge. Right.

So that's what I'm working with here. Emile-herge and lord. I see. Okay. But yeah, this is If I Were You. It's an advice podcast, but honestly, it's trending towards TV show slash movie probably netflix or hulu or something i'm trying to like build up the courage to talk to this fucker um i'm i'm i'm anthony bloom i feel like you're hosting this this podcast now as if he's listening i'm afraid as if he got

through the first part where we this is after he's helped you home when you've hurt your neck and your head and your teeth he's listening to the podcast and he's like oh my god did he do that on purpose and that couldn't be that not anthony and then you just introduce yourself now as anthony bloom for him i mean there's a chance he probably already listens to the show like that's the kind of head nods I've been giving him. And you tap your ear pod. But then it starts and stops because I have that new Bose technology, so I can stop and start by tapping on my eardrum.

And it kind of fucks up with my playback. Anyway. You're walking the dog around the neighborhood? Or is it just you? Yeah, sometimes it's the dog. Sometimes the dog will not want to be with me anymore so i'll go solo dolo nice luke bit me in my sleep last night but again neither here nor there he went straight for the jugular like he knows that he wants you gone it's not even the night too so i couldn't yeah yeah he missed it by like a quarter inch how did he know he must have been trained there's he missed it by like a quarter inch how did he know he must

have been trained there's no way it wasn't a trained assassin attack because he was waiting until i snored that's how he fucking knew it was time to roll um all right we got a question about um this guy's mother-in-law a mother-in-law question classic love um whoa um okay uh what's the name of a guy who has a mother-in-law um a guy who has a mother-in-law me yeah i have a mother-in-law that's funny we'll call this guy me nice me writes this is like a such a shitty episode for the guy to listen to, the famous guy.

Like, I don't want him to like, think that this is status quo. We don't usually talk about you. And it's usually a pretty funny name, but whatever. Jake kind of fucked up. The prompt was, what's a guy that has a mother-in-law?

So that's not really setting me up for success just fucking read the question your famous celebrity crush crush your hall pass isn't listening okay hey guys i suspect my wife's mom is cheating and i'm am i obligated to tell my wife basically my mother-in-law has been swinging by our place to drop off a few things at a time, foods, tools, etc. And every time, she's been with the same man. Unfortunately, when asked about it, her mother claims she's been doing it with her female co-worker. And to add to the suspicion, she only comes to the house when she believes nobody is home and isn't aware that I've been seeing her.

It wouldn't be totally unprecedented as my wife has told me that her mom has had at least one affair that almost destroyed her marriage. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news. And I especially don't want to get it super awkward around the family as I'm the only one who could have possibly seen them together. What would you guys do if you were me?

Thanks, love. Me. Me. Um, yeah. them together uh what would you guys do if you were me thanks love me me um yeah so like it seems like the nice thing to do is to tell your wife but like would you actually do that or would you be like i'll just pretend i didn't see anything and then avoid having an awkward conversation forever so he asks who's like when the mother-in-law is asked she says that she's been coming by with her female co-worker yeah it's like oh i dropped by this thing with my friend sophia and then it's like oh i saw her and she wasn't with sophia she was with the fucking mailman and i think she's having an affair because she's had one before should i tell my wife yeah i oh that's i was trying to get to being able to say you don't know for certain that it's an affair. And I wouldn't say anything based on a suspicion because I feel like that wades into pretty murky waters.

That said, this really does seem like she's having an affair so would you say anything to your lady if you saw her reason i'm still i saw mommy kissing santa claus hold on the reason it seems like an affair is because that she's being secretive about it and it's a dude and she's had an affair before but maybe she's trying to be secretive about it and it's a dude and she's had an affair before but maybe she's trying to be secretive about it because she's had an affair before and doesn't want that kind of uh scrutiny or mistrust so it's not even an affair it's just that like i know that i have like broken trust before so let's not even like let's not even test it even though i'm not having an affair i don't want to say that i'm hanging out with this guy because then everyone's gonna be weird about it you know

yeah and now you're fucking blowing up her spot like thanks for saying anything and then it's like what if your wife is like yeah it's not it's just her friend why the fuck are you telling me this like it's some weird mom mom mom yeah said that he saw you with this a title tale and then the mom is like i'm on the phone with your father what guy what did you go around oh jake why did you have to fucking do this yeah you could have just kept your trap shut yeah so that's kind of how i'm feeling like Like, I would maybe not say anything. Though I think you're right in your suspicion. Hmm.

Okay. That's good. So, sort of like, you know you know, but don't say anything because it's not helpful. You're right to, yeah. You know you know. You are suspicious. Rightfully so. you're probably right but still is it worth blowing everything up on a hunch even when it's this strong i don't think it is yeah because you'll always be even if like best case scenario is you fucking tell people and you were right and then they're

the divorce happens and then it's like thank god i did that i'm the one who brought it to light and i'm the one who caused the rift in this relationship and is that good i mean not that you did anything wrong obviously the cheater is the one at fault but at the same time did you do anything good by bringing it to light and forcing it forcing it to happen yeah so i would probably not do anything either even though it might be the quote-unquote right thing to do is to say something to your wife not hide it right you could just like try to let you two make the decision together i feel like if you i feel like if you really want to say something then i would i think you need to put yourself further in a position of uh being able to confirm what is going on yeah is there anything to like i'll talk to my wife about it

and then we'll make the decision together or is there a pre-decision to make before you even go to the wife i think before i mean definitely wife is the first person you tell yeah but i think you need you might as well get a little more information okay so maybe you hide in a trash can or something and yeah but i don't think you need to go like private you can follow them or case their joint in a way where you can get some really nice high-res imagery black and white and you put it in like a dossier and then like that dossier can be leaked in a way then i feel like see i feel like doing going to that level then everybody is going to be like a little bit suspicious as to like why you spied on your mother-in-law that's cool even if you did it for a noble intention uh okay all right so what would we do in that situation we would probably not say anything

yeah um okay all right let's take a break uh answer some more questions on the other side of these messages whoo thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd

you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

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Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back jake do you have any mom i'm coming gross i sure do and it is to come work at head gum like uh instead of me um well i was talking specifically about um our summer internships i'll take it actually i just want to be involved anymore okay all right sweet so you i'll find a new co-host and partner to run content whoever applies whoever applies

and you'll be our intern i don't want to do that so why don't i tell you a little bit overqualified of course i've been at head gum for six seven years now we'll see here's here's some of the things that you would uh work on as a production uh intern at head gum amir okay um you'd be gaining a an understanding of podcast production uh and promotion uh by shadowing development and supporting day-to-day needs for current series okay okay yeah i'm interested but obviously i'd like a higher position because i've been at the company for as long as it's been around um you'd also be able to help us grow and market our shows by creating promotional content including video audio image assets uh you can even pitch us ideas and concepts uh for uh that endeavor and and you

would be in charge of executing them how do you feel about that one amir that actually sounds too hard for me to pull off but i'm sure i can grow into it maybe if i start with an externship yeah and you'd also be writing copy copy for like social media and newsletters pitch decks and stuff so i don't know how to write okay i can yell at someone perfect um basically i could be a nasty boss okay all of these job requirements and additional tax you can just uh tasks you can check out headgum.com slash about um and uh you'll see that um there's a there's a little link that says that we're hiring and yeah check it out see if it's right for you um we're also looking for a sales intern um so you could do that if you want as well buddy well would that entail just because i'm i am thinking about getting into sales um just because I've heard some peer evaluation things about me

and that I might not be a right fit. You'll be working with the sales team to support Headcumbs advertising marketplace gumball. Okay? So you'll learn about advertising and podcasts and how brands and podcasts work together, et cetera, et cetera. That's not helping. To facilitate the ads in the podcast to the hosts on the podcast,

working with the ad team. I think I'm too stupid to do that, but I'm wondering if other people who are more qualified to do that, where would they have to go? Is that like a URL or a website? Is there even a difference between the two at this point yeah you really are so thank god you're you're sort of like i backed into the fabric of head gum yeah yeah you you can't really be extricated at this point but we the company would be better

without me served without you indeed so you go to headgum.com slash about or just go to headgum.com and click around till you find the about page if you're going to be a production social media or sales intern i feel like that's a kind of a prerequisite um then there you can find careers at headgum see our current job posting page uh and apply right there so give it a. If you feel like you've got the social media prowess, the production prowess, the sales prowess, let us know. Do you need a mouse pad? You don't need a mouse pad. You do need your own computer. You can work remote. We also have offices in New York and Los Angeles. Do you have any other questions? I answered the mouse pad one, right?

I have this like kind of really old, crummy, beat up. Compact Presario, right? Yeah, it barely gets the web. Dude, didn't you get Adele? Nice. Didn't you get Adele when you were playing Celebrity with your friends and you couldn't remember the name of her songs so that everyone booed you out of the room?

Maybe I'll fine someone like you. That's where you get a fine if you don't win the Celebrity game. Yeah, and someone like you. Okay, so that's the unsolicited is if you're interested in an internship. And these are paid positions i hope yes they are um yes we are paying our interns because it's the right thing to do um so yeah they're they're paid positions all right good okay cool i'll check it out thank you did you ever have an internship did you ever do that kind of stuff what are you talking of course i was an intern at head gum for like a or sorry not not a heck you admitted it i was an

intern that's it that is it thank you guys so much for listening we figured it got him out do not an intern here to cut off the podcast 25 minutes early i'll turn it head gum you said everyone congratulations i was an intern i was an intern at college humor i was an intern was that your first and only internship i believe it was yeah because i was a sophomore in college when i got it did that lead to anything good no no it didn't no friendships were made i still keep in touch with streeter and Pat and meet Sarah every once in a while. I was going to maybe see Jeff Rubin next week. So that'll be nice.

Yeah, I was definitely still in touch. Business partners formed. Yeah, me and Marty work closely together. I met him late in my tenure college humor but oh um and andrew and cohen you know people that work at head gum we we creative wise partners any formations that you actually appreciate um and in terms of things that i appreciate and feel like were additive to my life life yes oh and i mean i met my wife there i know i have your phone number and more sorry what is and more what is and more i was just trying to be like that was yeah that was bizarre it was creepy as hell i have

your phone number and more oh yeah like we get no i mean we get along i'm saying i have your like we're connected in a way i know your phone number you have mine probably we're associates we're associates because you work at head gum and i work at head gum and we work at head gum god that sounds so formal and cold we co-host a show every once in a while well once a week you know i think i make you laugh sorry what i didn't hear what you said i didn't know i was saying next time you're in town we should get a coffee coffee or a tea i don't know what you drink anymore because we're not fucking hanging out it's what i just yeah no that'd be i will what when we're because we have to hang out to

record so i'll just bring i'll bring it to tea. Marty said you had plans to come to LA. I wasn't aware. Don't be demanding in that really weird, intimate way. It's off-putting. I have your phone number, Zala. Just leave it at that. Yeah, let's leave it at that. Actually, speaking of having someone's phone number,

here's another question about a mother. Oh, it's a mother theme. Yeah, it's a late Mother's Day episode of our show by accident. This is a 23-year-old guy from Philly, so we have no choice but to call him Ben Simmons, who I assume is 23 years old, but maybe 24. All right. Ben Simmons writes, I'm a 23-year-old guy from Philly, and I have a language-related predicament. Every week, my sweet mother orders a mystery box of produce from local farms instead of buying from a grocery store.

I know, what an endearing concept. Since she doesn't know what kind of shit she'll be sent each week, she always makes it a point to tell you if you eat any of the stuff from the produce box. But the problem is she constantly refers to it as her box. I swear to Gord that just about every time she says that some weird fruit came in her box. Oh, that's just my box. My box didn't come yet. Those peaches were in my box. I get my mom to stop talking about her box do i tell

her the vile things that she's been saying for months i'm tired of thinking about her box every time i eat a freaking plum thanks hope you come back to philly where whenever you tour again love you guys and all things head gum go sixers love ben all right wow all right i mean so box means vagina so when she says like the peaches came in my box like that almost means that this person's mom stuck a stone fruit in her vagina yeah i feel like this guy's issue is that he doesn't want to think about that or hear it and you just read that and then said that. And now it's like, it's really firmly cemented in his brain, probably forever. I don't know if I've ever eaten a plum.

He's talking about eating plums. Like, I can't remember the last time I, I guess I plum forgot the last time I ate that. Can you think about the last time you ate his mom out? Come on. can you think about the last time you ate his mom out come on that's funny right like i hate this guy's mom like i'm a fucking cannibal no you miss i'm not a fucking zombie you miss her i was it it's not that kind of joke like i want her brains no no not like that at all. I'm a man. Okay? I'm not a fucking weird-ass monster. It was an oral sex joke is what I made.

Uh-oh. Not a fucking... Oh, that's funny. Like, I go down on her. Yeah, and it's not that funny. I mean, your reaction was borderline appropriate. You just got it wrong. Yeah, no, no, I get it.

I thought you were calling me like a fucking, like a, yeah, like a man eater or a woman eater in this case. But you were just talking about me basically giving this guy's mom a head. Now I'm offended at my own joke because the way you said it back to me, I really didn't like it. Here's what I think you can do yeah you give the box a catchier nickname that's what you gotta do she's just calling it the box you call it something different you know like the poon or something like that no where's your little poon let me see mommy let me see your little poon please mommy

why is he calling it a little poon it's an acronym what do you mean P-O-O-N why little why are you making the box small it's a farm box I mean in the grand scheme of box

mommy let me see your little poon. Like, I feel like that really leans into it being a vagina thing. Yeah. Well, I'm thinking about, like, coffins and how big those are. And this would probably be smaller than that, right? Right. Okay. So, well, then I feel like at that point, it's weird to say small, like, because a coffin

is wide, this would be like a tight box or a tight poon. Yeah, a tight little poon. Yeah. Mommy, did this melon come from your tight little twat? Ew! What? That's another acronym. No, it's not.

No, it's not. It's absolutely not. And it's naughty. All right, so what should this guy do? I mean, at a certain point, you just have to get over it. You're not going to tell your mom that box means vagina and hope she changes, do you? Yeah, you don't do that. Don't do that, because I feel like that conversation

will be more uncomfortable than hearing it. You know, you can move out. I don't know what the situation is, but that's a possibility. You can move out or move on. Either way, you got to keep on moving. Wherever the name of the farm that sends the box, make a cute little nickname out of that farm. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you didn't get it from this box. You got it from Brookshire Farms. Yeah. Is that your Brookies? That's good. And there you go.

Let me see. Philadelphia Farmer's Box. Oh, yeah. That's good. Oh there you go. Let me see. Philadelphia Farmer's Box. Oh, yeah, that's good. Oh, no. No, the closest farm that I can see her getting this produce at is actually, this is unfortunate, it's called Mom's Little Pussy. No way. Yeah, that's the name of the house.

That won't help. No. That's unfortunate. Yeah. And a bizarre name for like a co-op. Yeah. It doesn't even make sense. It's the height of insanity.

That's like, yeah, that means you have a bigger fish to fry than just your mom calling it that. All right. So I guess get over it or never talk to your mom about her fruit ever again. Something like that. Two good options. All right. Let's take a break and answer some more questions after these messages. Hoorah.

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Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. We had so many lightning round questions submitted last week and didn't get through them all so i thought maybe we can power through some right now in the third act of this year podcast very very smart i love that idea it's like a quick lightning storm not like a full lightning round where like the thunderstorms last all weekend but it's like whoa that was intense but now it's over yeah the aftershock yes exactly so do you have some quick hits to get um yeah i like this one paul burke writes what are your go-to choices for a game night also you better be able to freaking prove that this ep was recorded almost live well i feel like we did last week prove that. Yeah, but we didn't answer this question.

Yeah, right. And now we're proving that this is actually super post, not live. We're recording this on Thursday. Yeah. Game night, I mean, I've done the Jackbox games, which could be pretty fun, but that was like kind of Zoom chic. It was like remote recording style game nights.

I've done the Mafia thing thing which can get contentious i'm sure i've discussed that before getting sort of borderline kicked out of a party for being wrongfully accused slash playing the game wrong yeah there's that game where i forgot the name of it where like it's like code names or something where you're trying to let people guess certain things that you have or people that you have. You have like a board of words, right? Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. That game was pretty fun. That one is fun, but only six people can play it, right? Yeah. I think it's a, it's a one team on one team style.

There's like, there was, all right, well, I have a a couple so do you like game nights in general um yeah i not i mean i don't like game nights i like hanging out and drinking and then a game spontaneously breaks out you know i see so you don't want people inviting you over for a game night you want a house party that games are sort of happening in if necessary yeah or i like going on like you know a weekend trip with a bunch of friends and like one of the things is like playing a game you know there's a puzzle going there's a sports game on we're playing something it's it's nice it's easy it's relaxed i don't like coming over for a game night but i think one of the best games to bring on a trip is past the pigs i think oh yeah it is you brought that to iceland we brought it to iceland and we played it

one night we played it for like three uninterrupted hours right didn't we play until the clubs closed by accident? Yes, we were so into it at a bar that they almost kicked us out because it's like, you guys gotta go. And it's basically this, like, it's a dice game, but instead of dice, it's these two rubber pigs that can land in different ways.

And it's incredible. We made up our, we perfected the rules of the game because one of the ways that the pigs can land is worth one point. And it makes the math kind of hard. So we made, if they land both on two dots or no dots, which are usually worth one point, we just made that worth zero. The pig lands on its back. That's a Razorback. It's worth five.

Double Razorback. That's ten. Yeah, I think you're getting too into the weeds of the game. We don't really know. On all fours, double trotters, 20. The real heads, no. The real heads, no. And then what's it called when it lands on a diagonal that's very rare or something?

That's a leaning jowler, and it's worth 15. And if you get a double leaning jowler, it's worth 65. Which is incredibly rare. But yeah, I, I've never seen it. And we set the rule that if you land on a double leaning jowler, it's just game the fuck over.

Cause I, yeah, come on. Yeah. Okay. So I get, it sounds like you do like touching it. Yeah.

I like past the pigs. You started saying you didn't like game night and then you got really into this pig game by the end. I'm obsessed with Pass the Pigs. The other good one is there's like a Scattergories game online. If you just search Scattergories online, it's like the first result, but the website is swellgarfo.com slash scattergories and it's basically it's categories that you can play on your phone which is excellent all right all right that's cool

it's actually really cool so some good game options yeah um here's a question from jk tweets uh amir what's more important to you the Lakers winning 10 consecutive championships from now, or you receiving one golden mic? What do you think? Is that in play? I don't know. LeBron's not going to be great forever. No, the golden mic?

It feels, it's a little tacky to ask about it. So let's leave that for a beat. And just, why don't you answer the question without kind of like inquiring you know that like weird whiny little grasping i think i would yeah you're overreaching sorry i'm not over it 10 seems fun but like i'd be happy with a few. And then if not to grasp or reach or to ask for it. Over reach. I'm saying like, I don't even want to talk about it unless it's fine too.

You already lost it when you chose 10 championships over the gold ring. I did not. I absolutely did not. You said 10 seems fun. It seems fun, but ultimately I think I would have lost. Your choice was made. Your grave was dug. Your grave was dug. Your bed was made.

Sleep in it, lie in it, die in it, right? I don't think that... I just don't think that you really get to be part of the conversation around a golden mic when you would rather have something else occur, something else happen. That's... It's tacky, frankly frankly if i can be candid you're all you don't have to ask me because it seems like you're often candid when it comes to the golden mic and regardless of what i do it's tacky i think it deserves my candor i think it

deserves my candor i take it seriously all right not flippantly have you given one for this episode yet or it's all tbd because yeah i got given one for this episode yet, or it's all TBD? Yeah, I got the Golden Mike, because I had to defend it with all my heart, with such gusto. When you tried to desecrate it by saying that it wasn't worth 10 friggin' Lakers championships. It's worth that to me. Fine, give me the fucking championships. What? I said give me.

I'm not getting the Golden Mike evidently, so give me the championships as a consolation prize. Not that I choose it. I don't make those rules. I'm not a genie. Honestly, I'd be happy to get out of here without a turdy. I feel like I've won one of those for every episode except for this one. It went without saying that you got one when you were doing the twat thing. That was really uncalled for.

That was a little... It was a little blue for the show didn't you talk about joke about me going down on that man's mother i said that he said you couldn't imagine me doing that i feel like there was one of us that took it too far, and that one of us won the turdy, and that was you on the day. What's the most important sauce? Asks Ecamm. Not the best sauce, but the most important sauce. The most important sauce. The most important sauce. what sauce goes in everything

um i it's tough it's a really tough question what are you narrowing it down to in your head like soy and or tomato and or ranch or something like that mayonnaise it i mean is mayonnaise a sauce i don't think mayonnaise is a sauce yeah i guess like i'm trying to i'm basically trying to like alfredo sauce penne uh vodka sauce yeah you're talking about italian sauces specifically yeah i can't really think like i mean there are there are other sauces to be sure. I'm just trying to, like, I feel like one of my favorites, it's a cheesy sauce. It's a cheese sauce. I think it's cheese sauce. It's Annie's macaroni and cheese sauce.

But if mayo is not a sauce, why is cheese a sauce? Well, because that's actually called a cheese sauce in, like, the directions. Okay. All right, I'll go tomato sauce because it's it's in pasta it's on pizza pizza it's on sandwiches what's more important than a tomato based paste i think that's probably true it's probably tomato sauce i i would have to concur um riley asked what's the best chewing gum brand and why we're both non-chewing gum branders or do you do you chew gum i don't chew gum when i did i feel like i often got um the ones that like duped me

with their like dentist marketing like the teeth whiteners um so like the dentine ice the orbit yeah the trident it seems like dentists would not like chewing gum because it just causes like excessive mastication interesting we yeah neither of us like gum like i i used to eat gum when i was single because i wanted my breath to be nice in case i kissed anyone yeah right now i can't remember the last time you fucking closed her wits this guy used to get he used to strike out so much we used to call him gum get, he used to strike out so much we used to call him Gumby because he used to go home

with the gum in his mouth. Hey, don't worry about your breath, Gumby. And you'd have to fucking go home and we would make you do the voice. We would make you say, oh, leave me alone, guys. That I really, I feel like I must have blocked that out

because I remember being called gumby i remember not being able to close i remember when you guys would send me home from the bar early like eight say yeah why don't you ride pokey home because you're obviously not going to close tonight i just don't remember that i would do the voice because i feel like to go okay folks and you're like that's not the voice you gotta commit to it a little more comfy yeah it was probably once a weekend for five years really yeah well because i remember that one time where i said goodbye guys and i got hit by like a vest that was it that was it that was the night we hired that fucking task rabbit to to bowl you over on the vespa that scooter yeah yeah

that was what's the longest you've gone without showering asks loo magic 19 i think six days jesus yeah in a non-camping environment or in a camping environment it was a camping environment i was in yosemite with my brother for six days. All right. What about you have access to a shower long as you've gone? I think there's like a video of it actually on College Humor, like in an outtakes video where like Sarah's asking me

how long it had been since I'd showered and it was five days. Maybe four. Wow. Because that was when I was living in LA and coming back to New York to shoot. And I like took a red eye. And I guess that's really not an excuse for not showering.

If anything, you should shower more after a flight. Yeah. It's like I was, but I was busy. I was traveling a lot. We had to shoot. I don't know why I didn't shower. Yeah. It must be interesting.

There was a time where I thought my hair looked better when I didn't shower. So like if I was having a good hair day, I wouldn't want to shower to ruin it. Now I think it looks better when it's clean. So I shower a lot more. Now I shower once a day. Shampoo, soap, conditioner, all of it? The full Monty? Well, I use the Head & Shoulders 2-in-1.

So yeah, I shampoo and condition. That's cool. Thank you. That's really cool. Really cool really all right here's a question sure terex jones would you rather all right let's say you're at a dinner with jill's family would you rather fart really loudly or shit your pants silently hmm i guess hmm am i at like it's not your family at a restaurant yeah no no it's at uh at it's a family dinner extended family 12 of 12 of your wife's family and you and it's kind of quiet as people set up sit sit around, clinking silverware. Would you rather rip ass or silently shart? I guess shit my pants because then I could just excuse myself briefly, throw out the underwear, and come back and not really lose face.

That means you aren't comfortable with your sexuality slash partnership in your wife's eye. That's really alarming to hear. No, it's, what the fuck are you talking about? That's really, that's sad, man. All right, this isn't like fucking gotcha questions, okay? Why don't you go? You just say your answer without tearing mine apart.

I will loudly fart and shit my fucking khakis in front of everybody. Because I am whatever you say I am. And I will fill my ass up from front to back like I sat in a bowl of chocolate pudding and i will loudly rip that ass that's enough and when they told me to stop i'll say who the hell are you this isn't a turdy if you hadn't won the turdy already this is the fucking definition of a turdy talking in detail about how you would rip ass and shit yourself at a family fucking reunion that's it's enough but i did want to say when people um when we got the ip back to jake and amir um i feel like we people were like tweeting at us about nfts and i was thinking that if we ever did an nft that the first one i would want to make an

nft is you shitting your khakis that's good so then somebody can own that moment somebody owns you saying you think i give a flaming fart and then you shit your khakis it doesn't seem i mean like that it's too perfect i would pay top ether to have that be mine digitally for all time in the blockchain. Because it's a statement on non-fungible tokens in general. Exactly. To have that in my open wallet for life, for me to be the owner of that NFT, would go further than me owning an Andy Warhol or a Magritte or something.

All right. One last question. Whatever happened to Jake's godchildren? About a year ago, a lot of people were making you their godparent to their children. You must have had like six to eight godkids. Have you kept up with any of them? Do you know what's going on there? I haven't, but I feel like that's on the parents.

That's on the kids. They should be getting in touch with their goddad a little. They owe me an email. They owe me a text. They owe me an apology. I don't need any cash from my god the godchildren i feel like at this stage um a check a card with a fucking crisp 10 spot in there would be make things a little bit better um but yeah no i actually i think i had like six godchildren at some yeah yeah and you're trying to extort them

now you want them to send you money they don't even know who the fuck you are yeah no i really i would i would like updates i'd like to know how they're don't even know who the fuck you are yeah no i really i would i would like updates i'd like to know how they're doing i genuinely would and the ten dollar bill i'll send them one that's really put it into a college fund maybe i'll buy them all i'm gonna buy them all like fifty dollar bonds oh that's cool like a nice thing the other most boring gift you can receive as a child is a fucking piece of paper that says you can get cash in 61 years yeah that's longer than you can possibly imagine at some when we moved my mom found that like my grandma or my grandfather had like gotten us uh bonds and she uh let everyone know and it was like oh this is nice thank you like. Thank you. Like, I have to take it to a bank?

Yeah, that's right. It's an errand. Yeah. Imagine getting, like, a foreign bond, like a bond from a different country. You have to go to, like, the embassy and cash it or something like that. Yeah, it's tough. All right, that's it. Many questions as we can get through.

Thank you for submitting them uh thank you for sending those theme songs the email address for all of it is if i were you show at gmail.com uh the opening song was written by matthew this closing one is a turdy themed song written by thomas yeah uh it's sort of an inner monologue slash mini ballad as it were that i imagine playing in amir's head whenever he has the golden mic snatched from his spindly little clutches. If you end up using it, shout out my Roche. Sorry, shout out Roche, his friend Roche, R-O-C-H.

And then also Ben, Arhum, and Shan, like Sean. All right, Sean. Don't have anything to plug or advice to break, but if life ever takes a slight turn for the shit, I'll hit you up. All right, thanks, Thomas. And thanks to you guys for listening. More content on our Patreon all the time,

patreon.com slash JA. We're watching old videos. We're uploading animated sketches we write. There's old If I Were You episodes on there. Hours and hours and hours of stuff. So check that out if you get the chance. Indeed. And as for us, we'll be back next week.

You know it. Yeah. Ciao for now. I get the golden mic just once I'm just a desperate lonely chipmunk I can't take another

dirty I'm tired of being a high-pitched fool. How do I become a hand-in-pull? Never mind, I'll dance. I have no award, but a single turd. What am I to do?

I give shit advice. Things aren't all right, son, if I were you. If I were you If I were you If I were you That was a Hiddem Original.