Segments - 491: The Pearl Thief

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

In this episode we discuss new music, sleep aids, and get a random phone call from Ben Schwartz!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts,

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It's time to hear. It's time to see. It's time to set aside the past And make history For every day We wait for justice Oh, because it's time It's time to do what's right

Give Amir the golden mic For all the times he stood by you For all the love he's had to prove Oh, we the chimps deserve a chance to fly On the wing of angels of golden light and reach We only got this life It's time to do what's right Give Amir the golden mic

Fucking bravo. Run it back. Run that song again. That was incredible. That was so good. You like the music, the sentiment, the lyrics. The music, the melody, the intention music the melody the i mean the intention the commitment the the bravado uh the gravitas it was like a broadway play it was epic it was soaring it was it took me to

another plane i mean you get the turdy of course i'll take the golden mic home because this campaign, it sort of shows, it shows your cards. You've played your hand. And it was, it was a shit hand. I think that if you are looking at this as like your, you know, please consider campaign. Yeah.

You have, you have failed. you let yourself down you're relying on our more talented fans to try to boost you you want to stand on the shoulders of giants but you're still a chipmunk you're only six inches tall so you know it's it's not it's unbecoming and it's uncouth, and frankly, it's a little tacky. What? You love the song. What's tacky? The song was incredible.

That you're trying to strong-arm me into giving you an award that you have to earn. That's what's tacky. I think the song was amazing. No notes on the song. A note on you as the host trying to, you know, to rewrite history via fan-submitted songs. Well, that one was written by Dustin Clark. And yeah. Amazing. He has no shout outs, no plugs, just a demand for justice.

Justice was served. Not really. Don't you worry about that. Yeah. Justice actually was doled out. Yeah. And a golden mic for me for doling out the justice so effectively and early on in the episode. Pretty neat. Five minutes in, already handed out both awards.

That's efficiency. That's, you know, that's optimization right there. You're happy. Damn what? You're happy. Damn, I'm not happy. I'm impressed. I think that it's cool to listen to a podcast

where one of the hosts is peaking. I think that's neat. Just in the zone, flow state, state on my game um yeah so thank you do you think uh to everyone yeah where do you think i am give a man the golden mic yeah yeah that was awesome such a good song do you think which side of the hill do you find me on in terms of i haven't reached my full potential yet i'm at the peak i'm so i'm sort of like you said soaring or like i'm over the hill sort of on the wrong side just 38 i think you've bottomed out but i guess that would signify that there was a peak at some

point and it feels like it was some it was like a stop and start that never started yeah and only stopped and then bottomed out the edge and dropped yeah you're at the bottom of a well that's uh all right where's the well is the well at the top of the hill in hell hell the well is in hell you think i top of the hill? In hell. Hell. The well is in hell. You think I'm at the bottom? You've gone on a journey to the center of the earth, my friend. But, yeah. So deep.

So deep down that if you continued digging, then you would be rising because you'd be rising towards the other side. You were at the exact middle of the earth in terms of your depth of despair. This is a low point, an all-time low. Let's get into the episode. You gave me the worst pep talk I've ever heard for breaking me down as we record. And then, yeah, let's get into the episode this is play that song again i mean my god it was so good it's like our broadway play

all right this is if i were you the only advice show on the web hosted by me amir and me jake uh we are in the thick of it we're about halfway to the thousand episodes that we um guaranteed contractually obligated yeah we signed a thousand episode deal with head gum not unlike that that uh charlie sheen deal with fx for anger management the hundred episodes right only he got a bunch of money we did we did sold our souls yeah to the devil they loved the first 10 episodes they ordered 100 another 990 and we're about halfway through that 490 ish right now so shout out to us congratulations and thanks to everybody that's been listening so far yeah it's funny too like it seems like a lot of episodes and when you talk about it in terms of our halfway point it's yeah not even that's yeah yeah right no that's insane we've been doing it forever

we've been podcasting forever and if it felt late when we started we almost didn't start we were like should we really start a podcast it feels like everyone started a podcast yeah but now now actually everyone started a podcast right now it's like it's a good thing we've been grandfathered in through seven years actually it might be right we we might have passed our anniversary did we start yeah we started in may we started in may 2013 it was in 2014 may yeah may 2013 because i actually just got our uh biennial refiling of our llc that we formed to start the podcast oh if you remember that yeah did you ever end up paying those taxes i know um yeah unfortunately they um i am avoiding the irs um there is a lien filed against me

uh they've started seizing assets they took jill's engagement ring i see people already in those boxes in the back is that what that is what's going on back there just fucking a bunch of windbreakers showed up at my house uh this afternoon hey careful with that sofa god come on christ that's a it's it's a handmade velvet couch it's italian it's worth more than your life man how much do you owe like can we just pay it off they're they're moving all the all the couches in the world won't cover the debt that i have i'll tell you that first starting in llc there's no way the fees are that high how much how much could we possibly owe for all that nine dollars turns into nine million pretty damn quick when you don't pay it they hit you with the fees they they hit you

with the charges god i'm fucking sorry to hear that i didn't yeah that's all right do you want to go deal with that should we continue on should we try to answer some questions i feel like you're in a bad place no well they're they're not gonna be able to go anywhere because i slashed the tires on the truck so um they're not taking my stuff today it might get out to the truck but it's not leaving my goddamn driveway so why don't we record the episode all right uh yeah we need to we need a fake girl's name, but it all seems pretty inconsequential now that you're sort of on the lam. I'm not on the lam. I'm not going anywhere.

Take me out of this house feet first, motherfuckers. I don't care who has the note. Yeah, but a lady wrote this email. We need a name for her. Sure. Let's call her cameron i'm watching a tv show right now where uh one of the lead female characters is named cameron candace cameron show no not not candace cam what's the show it's called halt and catch fire it's a show that was on AMC in like 2013 or something like that.

Month 17 of the pandemic. We're really scratching the middle of the barrel. There's still a little ways down to go, but you are definitely watching seven-year-old shows. There's a lot of TV shows out there. Yeah. Yeah, it's really good. It's so funny to like, to kind of, to basically not care that much about a show and you're just like, oh, okay, let's try this one. And then you just get obsessed.

It's hard to start a show, but once you're in there, it's really good. Yeah, also there's so many good shows that full good ones happen for seasons at a time and people just don't even care or remember them anymore. Like this, I assume, is a very good show that took years and years of thousands of people of effort. I was just like, yeah, yeah i mean there's so many good

shows i can't remember also halt and just like fire like a hundred people this is probably all they thought like the cast and the crew of this show the executives on it it's all they thought they lived breathed halt and catch fire for like four years and i've never heard of it until now and i love it yeah which like it's really a marketing failure on AMC's part. Because you were out there looking for shows for a year and didn't find it. Yeah, I've been trying. How did you finally find, how did you finally halt and catch this fire, I should say? Jill is like kind of our TV guru.

She will just be like, I think you might like this show. Let's try this show. So we try different shows. And this one just stuck. Yeah, that's good. Okay, this is a lady named Cameron who writes, pretty tame email, so I'll keep it brief. My brother's room is right next to mine.

And a little while ago, he and his friends started a Discord server and will be on it near constantly. Now, I don't mind that he always is on the phone, even when he is around other people. I think it's sort of Now, I don't mind that he always is on the phone, even when he is around other people. I think it's sort of rude, but I can handle it. But what I cannot handle is him talking with them till 3am, practically yelling. I mean, the wall between our room has good soundproofing, so in order for me to hear him, he has to be pretty fucking loud. He has been keeping me up quite frequently, so I'll text him to keep it down. Sometimes he'll take half an

hour for him to read it, and quite often he quiets down for a bit, but then he gets loud again in an hour or so. He always apologizes for it. He's also kind of a rage monster sometimes, so I can't even really get mad at him, even though I feel as though it totally justified. How do I get this guy to shut the fuck up while I'm trying to sleep? Thanks. Love, Cameron.

That's really tough because you are, you're doing the thing that I would do, which is send a text from your bedroom. Yeah, you dealt with, I mean, your younger siblings are incredibly quiet and polite, so you were probably the one making noise and keeping them up but it wasn't you it used to be you had people over now it's like with the internet you don't need to have people over at all you're just fucking you're on you're hopping on a discord you're screaming at the top of your lungs yeah i mean i wonder is there a different is there a

different layout for the apartment? Like if his, if his like computer is against the same wall that your bed is on, like maybe you could put his, his discord set up in like a different corner of his room, move your bed. Just try to get as far away as possible. There's probably some light soundproofing you could do for your door. Like we've done for the studio.

Get like that. um what's it called the storm cover yeah so like you know sounds coming in through the bottom through like the opening between where the door is on the floor you could just put a little piece of foam under there soundproof your room like it's a podcast studio yeah as much as possible i know it sucks um and then the other thing i would say is just like right now your system is not perfect because you're texting him and he doesn't see it right away but if there was a more surefire method and hopefully he'd be willing to work with you on this because as he knows it's a recurring problem it's like i get that sometimes you get animated and you get loud i need to have like a like a an instant you be quiet type thing you know like

a light that you can flash outside of his window that's good um or i mean if he's on discord could you just join like could you send a message to him on discord instead of texting him yeah i'm sure i mean the messages are reaching him he's just not being quiet because when you're on discord i mean you're on discord right you get it it's a it's an animated dynamic chatting environment there's no slowing me down there's a lot going on yeah are you familiar with Discord? Only through the HeadGum Discord. I've never really used it that much.

It's kind of like a Reddit, subreddit, but in live real time. So people are chatting in their Slack almost. But then you can also join video and audio chats. I used to use it for Mario Kart, no big deal. So you all hop in and you can chat with each other while racing in this game. Interesting. So you're on video Discord and there's a chat. And where is that happening?

It's on your computer while you're playing Mario Kart on the TV? Yeah, well, it's just an audio chat room. It's basically a conference call. I see. So why is it any better than just like, oh, okay. It's just like, here's a link if you want to all talk it's yes exactly talk in real time how many people can be on it uh probably dozens and dozens we had like 10 in there but i assume there's no limit yeah it feels like maybe he just needs maybe you could give him different headphones.

Yeah, there should be a silencer or a muzzle style. Because headphones are good because the audio goes right into your ears. But you need a headphone for your mouth that silences the audio so that only Discord can hear. And that might have to be an invention. Yeah, we need a muzzle or a silencer so that I'm talking right now, but it's muted. I don't hate that. I do not hate that invention at all. It's a noise-canceling microphone as well. A noise-canceling headset.

It goes over your whole face so you can walk around, take calls as loud as you want. You won't be annoying anybody. That's really smart. I mean, I don't know how you would do it, take calls as loud as you want. You won't be annoying anybody. That's really smart. I mean, I don't know how you would do it, but I wish you could. It's almost like a Bane mask of sorts. So you're like lowering this deck of cards shaped box over your mouth. Yeah, it's a gas mask. Instead of like modulating, it's a gas mask.

Yeah. Right. But instead of muffling your voice, it literally silences it. Like a ball gag almost. Or it silences it like a ball gag almost or it could actually even be a ball gag i see by the way they are confiscating your ball gag do you know it's worth anything if i fuck swing they're just taking that out of spite yes i was splashing cash around i had a sex dungeon yeah no wonder you were fucking tax evading look at you living the life of

a billionaire playboy while uncle sam was on your ass uh so yeah it's hard father sam wasn't helping at all nice hard to deal with a young tween in the family they're gonna want to be loud they're gonna want to be up late the most you could do is beg borrow and steal and then can i recommend a white noise machine you ever do you sleep in total science silence or using one of those white noisies um i i can sleep with any like love like sometimes yeah no i don't have a white noise machine um sometimes i like the comforting sound of like a fan, but that's not what I need. What I need to sleep is the eye mask.

I need that pitch blackness. I need that weight on the eyes, but ear-wise, nothing. Interesting. I prefer the white noise to the eye mask because I don't like something on my face. I never get used to that. Interesting. Yeah, at this point it's to me my

eye mask is almost like the way you talk about your retainer it's like a it's not a retainer that's funny say that again say that again with what it actually is it's a night guard for your mouth it's not that much cooler it's a grind card yeah it's a grind guard yes because you grind your teeth in your sleep yeah because i'm anxious but when you say retainer it sounds like i'm a fucking 14 year old when i say retainer it sounds like you have straight teeth but actually you have buck nose buck tooth little chipmunk teeth and you just grind them back and forth so you're right sorry i didn't mean to imply that you had uh straight teeth and a nice smile you have a tiny little chip you gnash against one another it does function as a retainer

actually so maybe that would that's actually a good idea. Pretend I didn't say anything. I will. And actually, it's not even a retainer. Not because you're asking me to. It's a fucking gun in a dildo. It really is a fucking AK-47 and a Sibian machine in my fucking mouth slash ass. You were saying. You were were saying i don't remember i don't remember what i said and no one else does at this point either because you just said to fall asleep you need a fucking gun and acibian in my mouth and ass yeah yeah. Yeah, I know where they went. And did I mention I sleep sitting up,

spinning around on a fucking saddle, going buck wild. Real quick, before the break, you ever mess with, fuck with, deal with, have a weighted blanket? No. I've seen, I think I've used one at a friend's house before, have a weighted blanket? No. I've seen, I think I've like used one at a friend's house before, and I don't like it.

It makes me feel claustrophobic. Interesting. All right. Because usually with the eye mask, if you can get that pressure on your whole body, you might prefer that. Yeah. I don't know why I don't like it.

Like if anything, I like less blankets on me at night. Like I usually kick my feet out the blanket. I just like to know the blanket's there, but I't i don't want that i don't want that weight it's a security blanket so you just need it nearby i like it nearby and i and i and actually i like my baba nearby if i can have it as well yeah you at the front desk of a w hotel holy shit shit. The IRS, they're really going to repossess my baba. It only adds sentimental value, sir. Give it! No! No! No! He's tearing it.

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mom i'm coming gross yeah yeah you know what I do? I talked about this on NADPOD a couple weeks ago, but there's a new song that I have been obsessed with, and I really, really like it. A song? A song, yeah. I started listening. That's another actually unsolicited piece of advice. I started listening to music.

I had to force myself to do it, because four years of Trump made me only listen to podcasts and politics podcasts. And I felt like if I was commuting somewhere or doing anything, I needed to be consuming news and learn stuff and be kept up to date. And now I've started reintroducing music into my life. It's really nice. I gotta say. Music is good. It's popular for a reason, you know?

Okay. You have to say the song because I'm about to let Ben in here and then he's just gonna completely derail the show and not let you talk about any songs. This is huge. Okay. The song is called Nico's Red Truck

and it's by a guy named Dijon. Nico's Red Truck, Dij truck dijon listen cry your eyes out ben schwartz he's asleep he's asleep you let him i let him into the podcast you sent him this link he he joined he joined he joined and then he fell asleep at some stage. He's holding the phone. He's holding the phone, so I know he can't be asleep. Oh, he's up. Of course. Yes, he's up.

He's holding the phone. He's holding the phone, so of course he's up. He can't be asleep. Hey, dude. He's not going to say anything. There's no way. No one listening is going to believe that he's on the podcast. There's no way.

Yes, how could they? He hasn't said anything yet. He's still, podcast. There's no way. He hasn't said anything yet. He's still. This is crazy. We can't. By the way, he doesn't see you holding the phone. There's no way that you're fast asleep. Please, you have to speak.

You have to speak. Otherwise, people will think we're trolling. Morning, guys. There he is. Morning. Not morning. 12.50, right? You ask for the link.

You're holding the phone. Two things you can't do when you're fast asleep. You literally just woke me up. Impossible. Impossible. I'm trying to sleep. Impossible. That's crazy.

No way. Don't keep staring, like stretching your eyes like they were closed. What's up? What do you guys want? Jake was talking about a song, a new song that he's listening to. Music, specifically. I didn't realize that you tried to get Ben on the podcast, though, while he was sleeping.

That's really rude. It's so annoying. By the way, Amir, show some class. I haven't been sleeping well. You texted me. I'm really trying to get... You FaceTimed me. You texted me, then'm really trying to get... You FaceTimed me. You texted me, then you sent me an Instagram DM.

He's so out of it. He's dazed. He's sleepy. You just woke him up from fucking mid-REM. Jake, your voice is so perfect. It's like that calmness. And then Amir, when he talks, and then a FaceTime video request.

So I called angry that I didn't answer the facetime request then i said i was podcast what do you want he's fucking his one minute to rest is one minute to rest in between all the stuff that he's doing they delete they delayed our scene for 30 minutes and i have 30 minutes to chill out for if they get dressed and go what do you what do you what do you possibly need let's get into what are you what are you working on nowadays where are you we're shooting space for season two that's why you working on nowadays? Where are you? We're shooting Space Force Season 2. That's why you woke me up? Space Force to learn that we're shooting Space Force Season 2?

I thought it would be a fun conversation we can have. It's shooting in LA. I think you're on location somewhere, right? You know where I'm shooting. Why are you grilling Ben? You know we talk almost every day. You're grilling Ben. He just woke up.

He just got out of bed. Thank you. Let's have like a nice, easy conversation. Out of bed? He's at work. How did you get to work if you're fast asleep? He's so sleepy out of bed he's he's at work how did you get to work if you're fast asleep he's so sleepy look at him he's still blinking he's still blinking awake right now by the way even if you were fast asleep at the time you should be awake by now it's

in three minutes of blinking like just open your eyes he's going again he's fast let him rest fucking nuts he has he doesn't get enough sleep there's no way this makes is this a podcast this won't play in a podcast it's a right it's a podcast and yeah like you you sent me multiple facetime requests then you called me why call after a facetime and then you said send me the link i add you to the fucking podcast you're fast asleep you won't say anything and then the one time you do talk is to say that this won't play on a podcast. You're right. It won't play on a podcast. He's drowsy again.

How do you shoot a... Jake, what are you up to, man? I haven't seen you in a bit. Yeah, man. It's been so long. I miss you. Things are good. Things are good.

You look great. Hey, you do too. I'm sorry about the Knicks. I was really pulling for them. That was rough. Hey, congrats on your sons, baby. Congrats on your sons. Thank you.

Yeah. He's actually not a Suns fan. He finally took down the team that you said deserved to lose. He's a LeBron fan. He was a Laker fan this year. Jake and I were rooting. May I, while I'm on this podcast, may I say something?

That Amir, before the Lakers-Suns series started, Amir said there's no way the Lakers win. We're trash. And then he goes, 20 bucks as AD gets hurtakers win we're trash and then he goes 20 bucks as ad gets hurt i had to pay him 20 bucks damn that's how that's how good of a quote-unquote lakers fan is he bet against his team and he said i hope that one one of our guys you should be happy that you came out with 20 bucks amir that that's got to feel good i actually came out with 30 from ben because he thought the knicks would win game four or something but it wasn't based on an anthony davis injury i would never pull for one of

my favorite players to tear their groin grade one or otherwise sorry i am falling asleep it's hard to what if you were shooting right now what are you doing on the podcast what's it i was saying if you were actually supposed to be shooting right now how are you fast asleep what if they needed you do you know your lines are you prepared well i just yeah shooting right now, how are you fast asleep? What if they needed you? Do you know your lines? Are you prepared? Yeah, today I know my lines. What I do is on notes. You want to know what my process was?

Sure, thank you. I usually memorize. If it's a movie or something like that, I'll try to know the script pretty good before we start. But then every weekend, I'll kind of get down the week's worth of lines you know how do you memorize them if you were by yourself are you are you working with somebody else an actor a coach to like feed the lines back no the way

i i learned early on great question i learned earlier on that um i learned early on that uh if i'm going to be working every day on things i can't rely on friends and stuff to run lines with me. So I just learned how to memorize it by myself. Especially some friends don't even respect your schedule enough to speak with you while you're awake during like daytime hours. So I guess I'd like to do a plug right now. You already have. But yeah, you could do another one. I like peanut butter a lot.

Even though it's not healthy for you. I like peanut butter. I think it's healthy enough. It's healthy-ish. It's better than eating like chips yeah or sugar are you eating chips yeah oh those are veggie chips god those are way too veggie chips those are good i'm gonna eat if i'm gonna eat veggie if i'm gonna eat chips i think those are fake those are not actually like tomato spinach yeah they, they're puffed potato chips. Is the podcast still going on?

Are you guys doing this for you guys? Of course I'm doing this. Do this for us, guys. What are you talking about? You think I record a conversation with Jake just to have for us? I mean, you're reposting all these videos from 2014. Ooh, burn on Blumenfeld. That's a great segue to the other thing we wanted to talk about

we're now posting our videos on Instagram and TikTok so you can watch them there at Jake and Amir can we talk about can we talk about why you guys are doing that

because I actually love Jake and Amir okay thank you so tell people why you're releasing these and does it mean that something bigger

is on the horizon well as you know we do have our content back so this is the first time where we can finally post these videos. You got your content back. That little college humor doesn't know how to act. Yeah.

Anyway, so we, yeah, we're. You got it back. I'm sorry, Sam Rice, but you got it right. I think I see John Malkovich in your trailer, too. What is he doing there? He must be really, really, really confused. Yeah, he's in the makeup trailer or something. He's outside.

So, yeah, we're posting old episodes, and hopefully we're going to be able to make new ones soon. Wait till John Malkovich is on camera, because then we'll tell him about the new, theake and amir tiktok what he knows wow beautiful day in fucking canada isn't it beautiful day eh oh yeah wonderful day over here in canada no yeah gorgeous over here the only problem is i i can't um unlike any other shoot i've ever done i can't leave like i because there's a two-week quarantine so I used to tour I used to go home I used to you know visit a mirror now I can't do any it's a very interesting feeling because

indoor dining like just barely opened yesterday the movie theaters aren't open it's like what do you do to be in a place that you can't leave is a very weird feeling you can't leave and you also basically can't do anything there what do you like what do you do what's what is your weekend are you shooting all this is a great plug i've been going to jakeandamir.com wow thank you yeah so that forwards to our new youtube channel which is also um up and running for the first throw us a follow yeah shout out to um yeah and you can just go to jake how many followers you guys have i think we're up to like 37,000 on there. There you go, baby.

There you go. What do they get on your website that they couldn't get on the YouTube channel that's been there for years? There used to not be any way to... Or CollegeHumor didn't care to categorize Jake and Amir. Oh, Ben left. Great.

I had an answer. Oh, he's back. Oh, he's back. All right, yeah. There he is. Okay. So yeah, they didn't know how to categorize Jake and Amir? Oh, Ben left. Great. I had an answer. Oh, he's back. Oh, he's back. All right. Yeah, there he is. Okay. So yeah, they didn't know how to categorize Jake and Amir. They were all just, you're not going to leave.

Okay. So they were just buried everywhere. We released them every week for five years. And there's not really any way to find them. You had to search for which one you wanted. But on our YouTube channel, they're all in order. There's a playlist that we share. You can make a playlist with every

single ben schwartz episode and you know that could be on the home page did you do a chronological order we did yeah yeah there's how many videos how many videos are there i can't hear you you're eating you're chewing on the you literally just woke me up and you're yelling at me that i have to get something he has to eat breakfast you want him to skip breakfast too you want him to wake up and skip breakfast veggie chips him to wake up and skip breakfast veggie chips for breakfast at one he's also asking questions about our youtube channel which is really nice so this is insane you understand why i hate him right he's so annoying what are you talking about wait can we do one of the famous jake and amir's jake let's you and i

do it i'll play him here sure do one of the famous ones that everybody knows um okay would you know it or are you gonna improvise here shut up sorry all right um j everybody knows. Would you know it? Or are you going to improvise it? Amir, shut up. Jake, you start it. I'll know it. I'm pretty good with Amir's lines. Let's see. What's a famous one? Do a real famous one.

Amir says, it's hard to... No, do your line. I don't ever start an episode. They're all reactions to Amir's line. I'll say, okay, I got one. What's the perfect amount of almonds? I guess two dozen.

More like, my pee pee hurts. That's not quite the line, but I can roll with that. I would say I'm not a proud owner. I bet I can take it away. I haven't seen this episode. Let me guess what Amir would say for real i know it's yeah it's i say i have well i'm not the owner the proud owner of onealmond.com it's the line there you go yeah um and then i then you would say something like um or i i would say uh yeah google that's worth billions tens of billions of dollars fine my man but who

owns one almond.com me all right that's pretty good actually this might be better than the original video all right well anything else you want to plug us or you you i'm only plugging your shit no i mean we were, we were just recording. Jake was talking about how he's been listening to music for the first time in four years since all he was consuming. What new music? What new music? I'll tell you what.

I was just talking about a song called Nico's Red Truck by Dijon. Dijon is the spread or is the artist? Is the artist. And also an incredible spread But in this case The singer of Nico's Red Truck Great Can you sing it for me?

I haven't heard it Just sing a little bit Yeah Okay Wide angle smile And a mouth full of gold Something like that Is it a country song kind of it's like a hip-hop country song it's really good uh like old town road

oh yeah you like that you little ghoul i hear you laughing you little ghoul what are you doing over there me yeah you you're a little ghoul you're a little ghost I thought it was funny when you were like, is it a country song? Because that's what Jake sounded like. So I was sort of laughing. But then you called me a fucking... Is any of this usable? It's fine. I mean, it's usable.

We're going to use it. I just wish you weren't so antagonistic towards me. I was trying to like, yes and you, and you were calling me a goblin. Can you blame him for being a little cranky if you wake him up from the middle of a nap if you and i haven't been sleeping well you know i haven't been you knew that what i know that sleeping well what do you mean and you said like and you said ben come on our podcast so we can plug our shit even though he was sleepy we were talking about sleep um sleep help in the first act do you use a white noise machine or how are you helping yourself sleep he's gone he's gone yeah yeah that's i wonder to be more than expected actually um it's to be deserved

does he try to hop back in like or is that sort of that's all timing is everything ben's got very good timing so he could come in he could come in at any second yeah but he also might not he said that would also be good timing because he knows that we're here talking about him right now right he has to he feels it he senses that maybe they need him on set you have no idea what just happened in new York City. It was like sunny three seconds ago. It's such an intense storm right now. Let me see if you can see this. Are you seeing light?

Yeah, oh my God. It's like a squall. It's foggy, deep fog, dark clouds, heavy rain instantly. Absolutely. And you saw my fucking face two seconds ago. It was sunny. Oh my God. Are you you okay feels like the end of the world i have just become surrounded by a tempest tempest tossed uh all right let's uh

let's take another break come back without ben and see if we can actually answer a question okay thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've Let's take another break, come back without Ben and see if we can actually answer a question. Okay. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a

domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only

and we're back uh all right the storm is kicking up in new york city we really got to go just in case yeah it looks like your building is sort of starting to sway a little bit and you know this is extra fucked because all my belongings are out on the front of the house right now yeah that's not okay they should put a tarp over the artwork it looks like they're worthless monkey in the middle with some of the priceless artifacts i see the baba being raised on a fucking flagpole this is is so messed up. Absolutely. All right. Let's try to answer some questions. Now that Ben is presumably dead.

Here's one about a pearl farm theft. Very rare. Plural farm theft. We'll call this guy Earl the Pearl Monroe. Love it. Oh, wow. This guy's living in Vancouver, just like Ben is right now. Here's a 22-year-old Australian living in Vancouver. I worked for a year on a pearl farm in the northern territory of Australia.

It's three hours from town by boat and a mess of insane cowboy activity. Wow. I bought seven pearls off of the farm. Skip forward two years and your man breaks up with his girlfriend. She came over when I wasn't home to get her stuff. And now all seven pearls are missing. What the fuck do I do? I can't accuse her.

I can't get them back, but it's tripping me up. I guess I'm really asking is how I can break into her place and rob her. How do I move on and forget about it thanks love archie wow a pearl thief do you think i mean yeah well no i don't know maybe i'm still hung up on the pearl farm to be honest which sounds like where i want to work that's just so nice i remember being in hawaii once with my family, and there was, like, this oyster pearl place thing. Like, I don't know anything about pearls.

Are they actually found in oysters? Like, do oysters make pearls like that? Or am I just— Yeah, I think so. Do I have a 20-year-old memory of that happening? I guess that's just what I think also, so I can't confirm or deny. Yeah, like some oysters have pearls. There's the John Steinbeck novel, The Pearl.

That's coming out of a clam. Yeah. Or oyster. No, not oyster. It is oyster. We need to figure out, like, are pearls just oyster shit that we collect and call it a hobby and call it a precious metal and that's that okay it's this just top search on wikipedia pearls are made by marine

oysters and freshwater mussels as a natural defense against an irritant such as a parasite entering their shell or damage to their fragile body the oyster oyster or mussel slowly secretes layers of aragonite and conchiolin materials that also make up its shell. So it's like the same things that make the oyster shell hard are being slowly released and they compact and they make a pearl. That's insane. And for some reason, we think that's good to have. As jewels.

So I'll sort of take the boner of an oyster and put it in my ear, and then I'll clutch them when things are looking dour on the day, like if there's a storm moving in. I'll just sort of clip this oyster shield and say, Oh, my. Oh, dear. Oh, God. Exactly. and say oh my oh dear oh god so do you think do you think that this lady friend stole his pearls

a pearl thief it depends how often he saw them before like if he knew exactly where they were she came in and then they were gone then i think there's like a high likelihood but if it's like i worked on a pearl farm seven years ago i bought bought some pearls. I broke up with my girlfriend. I can't find the pearls. You know, you're connecting the dots, but you might be missing some dots is all I'm saying. Also, like, is there any risk to say, did you take my pearls? Like, this is an ex. So you got to fire the one shot of like, sure, there's only a 2% chance of her being like, yes, you found me.

I'll give them back. Like, you can't offend her, can you? It doesn't matter. I guess not. It is weird because it's not like he got the pearls for the ex and she came to collect them. Unless, you know, unless he left that part out of the story. If they were gifts and she came back to reclaim the pearls. But yeah, if she just came and robbed him of his jewels, I would turn the house over.

I'd probably look pretty hard for them. And if I couldn't find them, I would. Me, I'd never say anything. But I think you're well within your rights to be like, hi, did you take my pearls? Yeah. What a weird predicament just a jewel stolen i had a ruby and i suspect my girlfriend stole them did you steal a precious gem from me a bright green gem i have a rare

earth mineral that you seem to have uh stolen it came out of an oyster's ass. You absconded with my shell. Let's try to get through one more question since Ben kind of derailed us in the second act there. I think it's always nice to have him. Oh, another Canadian. A Canadian lady. Nice. You know, let's just call this lady the most famous female canadian

celine dion that's what i was gonna say uh i work with a business that could be doing a lot better but my boss recently has his head up his ass uh i used to never really see him at all but i had a shift swap because this other person quit so now my day ends with him which i hate fast forward to my problem i'm scrolling on facebook and he they suggest him as a friend so i go through his profile and he is just the capital of dumbass town my boss doesn't realize his profile is not set on private so i can literally see everything he posts including letting people know his wife is a virgin that when when they met, how he hates his family, and he even livestreamed him venting why they don't talk to him.

So my question is, should I tell him and risk getting lashed out on? Or should I tell all my coworkers? Or just not tell anyone and keep it all to myself? Thanks, love, Celine. I would go back to just not knowing about this. This does not have to be your problem. Mute him on Facebook. Take it out of the equation.

You have no responsibility owed to tell him that and you have no real you have nothing to gain from telling your co-workers anything yeah you just remove he probably doesn't know or care that they're public he probably wants it to be public he's venting and stuff on live stream right it seems like it and i mean it's more just like this guy is bad at Facebook and seems like a weird boss. You really just shouldn't be friends with your boss or employees on platforms like that. Yeah. There's no good can come of it. But now there's LinkedIn, which is kind of like professional Facebook, where you're sort of, by default, linked to your bosses and employees and stuff.

Yeah. And that's a better place but I mean, that's a better place to, to have a connection than Facebook. Like if I had a boss that was friends with me on Facebook, they would see, I don't know, like 15 years of photos and stuff. I wouldn't want that.

If anything, I should delete my, I shouldn't delete my Facebook anyway. Yeah. But I guess ignoring it seems to be the same thing. It was not like there's anything although sheesh in the last two weeks you've posted a bunch of pretty conservative memes i didn't realize you're still so active on facebook i'm just on your yeah well it's only because the

government is trying to fuck me by stealing my baba whoever's in your house right now must be very confused at the words coming out of your room i'm also yelling it towards the hallway to get away from the microphone and we should say that you're with your girlfriend's family so it's not like um you can just roll your eyes and say oh at least my mom's gonna who who is my girlfriend oh sorry you. Your in-law's house. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you get it right next time?

The first time. Without me having to remind you that you actually walked down the aisle at my wedding. You borderline gave me away. No way. The fuck are you talking about? I did not give you away. To have the class to remember the most important day of my life the most important day of my wife yeah sorry i'll i'll do my best i guess but don't think that i like gave you away or like yeah walk down the aisle i appreciate it it was an amazing day yeah

you gave me away I didn't say that you keep saying it so yeah I'll do my best to remember by the way the day we had our first you and I had our first dance no way no no no that was you and Jill I was the best friend dance yeah we did are you getting flashbacks truck yeah flashbacks to the storm the night before your wedding as oh wow building gets pummeled with the sheets of rain yeah honestly did you hear the thunder clap that was just like our rehearsal can you see can you see lightning just flashes not the i can't see the streaks not the bullets yeah they're happening uh all right happening let's uh let's call it here before you get completely drenched um right again the email address for all your questions and theme song submissions is if our you show

at gmail.com uh-huh and if you're eager for more content, there's always our Patreon, patreon.com slash J a we're still watching old videos, making a weekly new video, some animated sketches on there now too. Um, so check that out. And we own these videos. So subscribe to our YouTube channel cause it helps support us.

You can check out the tick tock, the Instagram, um, you know, Jake and Amir on shit and throw it a follow. Yeah. We're vertical. We're horizontal. We're doing our best to adapt to the ever-changing times. My goal is that the TikTok channel becomes so popular that there's a new batch

of 15-year-olds that discover, like, who are these guys? And then- Wow, they have 800 videos? Yeah. They're really prolific tiktok makers how do they know to shoot it so vertical like that um the opening theme song was written by oh great question me um right it was the the one that you loved about giving me the golden mic yeah i did love it i did love it did we give him a shout out yeah he said he had nothing to plug right yeah but i don't know if i said his name which was dustin clark oh dustin clark so thank you dustin clark and this closing

one i believe we did say it but whatever okay great is another epic ballad from chris finn uh who wants to give his shout a shout out to his podcast critically ashamed um which is him and his buddies reviewing bad netflix movies respect so yeah it's a it's pretty good pun from critically acclaimed to critically ashamed check out chris finn's podcast thanks to you guys for listening of course we'll be back next week every week for the next 8 years oh my god namaste bye They're just like my parents

Their advice makes me cry They felt like two jewels On a beautiful park If I were you Beautiful part If I were you I wish I was you But Jake's a creep Homier's a weirdo What the hell am I listening to?

If I were you Well I don't care if it hurts I wanna get advice I wanna make to get the tourney I want to seize the cheese And I want you to know When I don't listen Oh if I were you I wish I was you

But Jake's a creep And Amir as a weirdo What the hell am I listening to? Oh, if I were you Then I'd go Turn off the light Oh, turn off the podcast This podcast makes me happy

The advice is the best If I were you I wish I was you But Jake's a creep Amir's a weirdo What the hell am I listening to? If I were you If I were you

If I were you That was a Hiddem Original If I were you.