Segments - 492: Misunderstood

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

In this episode we discuss new grandmas, old lovers, and the perfect Jake and Amir tattoo.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Oh, imagine Amir and Jake too, I guess Giving you the advice you need Ask them all that you care They'll answer, I swear

Maybe poorly, nothing's guaranteed When the girls don't text back Or your roommate's a dick And you don't know what else to do Come on now, right on in Let the healing begin With another If I Were You show If I Were You show

It starts right now. Maybe with a bit, but really they'll get to your problem somehow. If I were you, show for real let's begin. Here's two jewels for you. To help you, it's true. You fucking virgin. What was the thought process that went through this guy's head before he decided to cover Arabian Nights? The fifth best song from a Disney musical 28 years ago.

It's so random. It's perfect. Now I want a Be Prepared. An Arabian Nights cover, finally. I need a Be Prepared cover from Lion King two years after that. God, that's a good deep cut for lion king that's very if you're listening ruben delight who thought of uh came up with that theme song recorded himself finally decided to write you guys a theme song he says based on arabian

knights opa aladdin style yeah i don't do any music for you to shout out, but I do cosplay on Instagram. So my handle is RubenDelight. R-U-B-E-N. Delight. That would be awesome. Love the show. Thanks for making it. Ruben Delight. That's good. Like a Ruben

Delay. Because Ruben's so hot. often than not in all his cosplay wow that's really good thank you that was fuck might have been the coolest thing you've ever said no it rhymed and like it was like you were listening to the what i said about him doing cosplay and you wove that in you should do musical improv more i think interesting yeah okay i'm kidding that was a fucking one it was a one rhyme that i feel like you did by accident you backed into that shit you regret giving me a compliment

you know back it was a lucky shot i think so i think you just sort of fucking swung wildly and accidentally hit the ball yeah i kind of did i kind of did but i feel like there's that like peak performance top of my game kind of like the way that like steph curry can like fall into somebody fall down and like sink a three and that's and it's a little wild like it's kind of like it's another level yeah yeah to be able to like fly fast and loose in the heat of the moment like that that's um yeah i don't know i'm an elite performer is what i'm trying to say. Right.

And I will be regarded as such. And I will be treated as such. And I will be revered much. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I guess the listeners of the show are... I don't have to be a fan of you. I just have to talk to you.

It's up to the audience to decide. You have to talk to me with... Revere you? With respect and with reverence. No, I don't think with reverence. I don't think... Yeah. You're not a reverend, so I don't have to treat you with reverence.

I think you... Let's get into the show, and I don't feel like we need to belabor this, but you... All right, this is if I were you. You should tremble to behold me. my god yeah what i should i the first thing you said was fine i should respect you i'm not going to be mean to you okay that's the baseline that's the baseline i should definitely not treat you with reverence which is like i'm I'm honoring you in a way. I think we're equals. If anything, we honor each other at most. Not really.

And to tremble before you like you're what? Like a sight to behold. Like I fear you like a god. A god, yeah. No. No, I don't tremble before you. And nor should I tremble before you. You will. I only pray to one man.

Who's that? And that's the goat LeBron James. All right? He is the god. you yeah i will not worship a false idol and that's what you are you're a false idol an american idol and i appreciate it arabian yeah let's go uh this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the entire web hosted by us i'm amir aka trying out rodney for size you can go for whatever you want call me amir call me rodney going forward and i'm speaking to jake who's aka godney godney and rodney no way coming fast. Well, one is holier than thou.

The other is just the other is a troll named Rod. Now I don't want to be Rod because you've one-upped me. Godney. Godney and Rodney. Imagine a Rodney so powerful. He is a Godney for that. You went to a bar yesterday for the first time in a year and a half indoor yeah maskless drinks or sweaty no mask bartenders no mask wow or no mask people in the in the line to the bathroom no masks elbow the elbow at the bar getting cut off for drinks reaching over people it was

insane it was back were you fully in it were you kind of nervous was it did it feel like it had been a year and a half i was nervous like going in well like as i i just out of habit you like i walked in i was putting my mask on at the door so you had a mask yeah i had a mask and then you know that nobody literally no one in there was wearing one i was like oh i guess because indoor dining so far has been like you wear the mask when you're up when you're ordering when you're walking around but at your table you can take it off right but now it's just like yeah literally no one had it on so it was not like it was surprising but you get used to it really fast because it's comfortable and convenient and it's nice to have not have a mask on yeah and getting there and back public transport uber

as normal um yeah we took an uber uber you got you got to wear the mask still oh god of course you gotta wear that's i think that's when you're in the bar with 700 other people no mask not no problem but then that car with that one dude. Let's show some respect. Yeah. It's tacky. You really ought to. Yeah, it's tacky. Windows down, mask on. Farting up a Strom ferment.

Yeah, but it was great. It felt good. I was hungover today. Wow. For the first time in a very long time. And it made me happy. Did it? At 2 a.m.

God, can you imagine jesus did you um talk about covid at all or was everybody ignoring it no we didn't talk about covid at all wow it wasn't a topic of conversation yeah holy shit not even at some point yeah no yeah like it wasn't even until today that we were like reflecting on it and maybe at some point yeah no yeah like it wasn't even until today that we were like reflecting on it and maybe at some point we were like this is awesome or this is crazy um but like micah had gone out a week or two before and he's experienced this it was just my first time yeah so everything went as according to plan like nothing had happened in the last two years or did it feel like everyone was ready, extra ready to get turnt? It was a little bit of people being extra ready, like a lot more.

I feel like there's just goodwill in like looking at your fellow humans faces now. Like looking around the bar, just seeing people. I just like, you know, you're smiling at random people and nodding like like everybody's acknowledging that we've been through the shit now we're now we're getting drunk again now we're joy again we have joy to vive i mean i wonder i guess like it's also because i'm married but like i i don't know if i would like meet new random people at a bar the way that I would have before COVID. Because you still fear the stranger?

Or it's just, I don't think I fear them, but it's just not, I don't know. It feels like when you go to a bar, you just are there with your posse and that's it. Right. But maybe it'd be different if i was like single or something

but would you have to be ready to mingle as well or is it just a singleness or were you also in addition to being single you have to be ready to mingle yeah you have to be ready to mingle oh wow you know like what are the waxed and vaxxed vaxxed and waxed summer yeah roaring 20s yeah are you have you gone out? Have you done anything? You went out to brunch today. Yeah, brunch, parties, indoors, outdoors, social events. Parties?

Yeah, literally like birthday parties are back. People are just like, all right, we're in. Let's do this. Come over to my house. Come outside or inside, doesn't and then it's it always says um please only come if you're vaxxed but nobody's checking that nobody's actually showing anybody that passport yeah that's true that's true i have it on my phone i've got the passport if anybody but you're going to a friend's house so you wouldn't like need to show a vaccine

passport to go to a birthday party no but like the invite says please only come if you're vaxxed and everyone just assumes everyone else trusts right yeah do you know anybody that's not vaccinated no but maybe they are and they're just not telling me i had a friend tell me the other day that was like yeah i'm like afraid of needles and if my wife didn't like urge me to get it, I probably just wouldn't have gotten vaccinated and not told anybody. Needles, I don't respect that at all. They're not that scary. You can not like them, but you can't be afraid of needles

to the point where you won't get like the COVID vaccine. You're not that afraid of needles. He was really afraid of needles. He won't even wear clothes because like they were stitched at a certain point yeah uh but he freaks out when he sees a bobby pin yeah it's a blunt needle and they have tattoos too does he really yeah this person has tats and he was like i'm too afraid of needles but like you know tattoo it feels like stinging sensation but mostly a marker

a needle into your body is a different level of fear yeah it hurts a lot less um i had a friend of mine went on a date with somebody who this was like before the vaccines like everyone was getting vaccinated like they hadn't released them to our age group yet and they were talking about it and he was like i'm not gonna get it i want to do my own research you want to do your own research yeah so like the scientists everywhere are like one line of thinking but like i'm chad and i'm just gonna get into the data myself and see what it says you know what i actually did my own research it corroborated it so like awesome job everyone whose job it is to figure out whether it's safe i like looked at i crunched the numbers and i reached the conclusion as well i also burned

my eyebrow off with a bunsen burner so if anybody has an ointment for that i'm actually going to do a diy vaccine like i don't trust that moderna pfizer shit i want to like get in the lab myself and see if i can tinker with this this beast i want to go toe-to-toe with this monster and see who comes out i poisoned myself with a placebo i got so sick i almost died but you know it was worth it to do my own fucking research the chad test is it up to snuff does it pass the chad test does it pass the guff is it up to snuff ultimately i died that year but it was fine for the sake of science all right here's actually a tattoo related question

that we got oh a tattoo you forwarded it to me um that's right we'll call this guy raisin ramon raisin ramon says uh this might not be your typical question uh as my situation isn't exactly sticky but i need your guidance to put simply, I need to know what the perfect Jake and Amir tribute tattoo would be. I know it's a bit self-serving, but you guys have been a huge part of my life. Whether it's a single almond, a goose with dentures,

or a cock meat sandwich, I need this art on my body. So help me. Oh, so help me and your other rabid fans by verbally forming the tapestry in which to decorate our bodies. Here's some simple and catchphrases to lube you boys up with. So he gave us a short list. Great.

Golden mic. As we squeak. Nice. A bad amount of money. Great. A slice of gum. That's good do we need to say anything else should it just say slice of gum on his neck it's a good tat jake and amir tattoo yeah i feel like even jake and amir fans won't recognize that if they saw it in the wild all rice that's good that's really good beefing soy or tears of soy bad blank bad you

cock meat sandwich single almond or goose with gensters toda love raisin um i mean i do i think i this happened on twitter once also, and some people weighed in. And I feel like my favorite was bad tattoo, nah, bad you. It's meta, right? Yeah. And it's funny even without, it's like pretty funny even without knowing Jake in the mirror, because it's so dumb. Yeah. I do like the artistic element of just a goose with dentures.

Like, that could be appreciated by anybody. Right. Single almond is probably the best. Getting one almond on your ankle or even a little bit on your dick or elbow. Not on your dick. A shaft or your elbow. I was going to say your elbow or your balls. Where your forearm meets your elbow.

Meets your tate. No, not on your groin or grundle. Yes, grundle. That's exactly right. No. That would be insane. What about two almonds? One above each of your little testes.

So instead of one almond, it's like a reference to... You're obsessed with his tests. I'm obsessed- obsessed with his tests i'm obsessed with his tests i'm obsessedicles with you that could be the tat that's good i think i yeah i'm trying to think of like other visual things that have happened in jake and amir like likes uh sale or like one almond one almond i think might be the perfect one i also have another one um like a heart with a little ribbon and it says load in it oh that's good yeah so yeah so oh like instead of mom almost like a prison tat what about like the almond is a tear like you know you get it in prison or something when you killed someone so you have a little almond tear that's true but then if you're going

to do that then you should have it be a little like a tear but then on your temple it's a little bottle of soy sauce oh that's good because you're crying soy almonds yeah you're beefing across your forehead it says i'm beefing soy almonds on laundry day. And then down your neck is the YouTube URL of the video. Yeah, and on your back, it's just a mural that says, so ace. Yeah, that's really cool. It's a mad fold-in, so it's like half your face, half mine. But when you flex, it like creates one image.

Yeah. No, I think one almond is solid. Would you get that tattoo with me? Probably not. But if I had to get a tattoo, I would probably do that in a place that's like hidden, like a single almond on my ass or something like that. That's good.

All right, sweet. We solved the problem. Would it have to be brown? Or you can make an almond? I guess the shape is distinct enough. Yeah. And I feel like you could do a gray scale or black almond because it's got kind of the little pattern that you can not fill in.

I wonder if anybody even has one. Let me just Google almond tattoo. Yeah. Almond tattoo. Yeah, I i see one people have them is it in relation to us or just nut enthusiast these people are nuts for nuts has to just be this person has like what appears to be like a like a plant-based thing that's going on on there what do you think the worst another one actually this one's the worst nut to have burger what the worst nut tattoo to have is probably like one of those big brazil nuts like sort of on the back of your knee so it doesn't really look like anything you know it

almost looks like a kidney bean you know those big it almost looks like a garlic bulb or something like that right search brazil nut on the back of your knee tattoo and see if it comes up yields any results another bad one would be a pistachio on your nose because it looks like you just have like a little pistachio on your nose search pistachio on your nose tattoo okay uh i one second yeah the thing that is coming up is mr peanut tattoos people have mr peanut tattoos that's like you know there's a bunch of pistachio tattoos but there's not um no one has one on their nose yeah marty has there is people have tattoos right on their nose the head gum lightning on his arms so that's like getting a a brand tattooed i guess it's a little different because you know he founded head gum it's not just

like i'm a big fan but right getting getting a brand like the mr peanut if you had to get a brand anywhere what are you thinking nike swoosh on your achilles to sort of like help you run fast i would probably get the oakley o on my cock yeah all right let's take a let's take a break that was really really blue that was it kind of you were doing didn't no it didn't that was class you were talking about putting the it wasn't classless i would never You were recently talking about this guy getting a tattoo on his testicles. That was nuts. The O is what bumped you? It was the Oakley on the cock thing.

That was so unnecessary. Classless, assless. It was tone deaf and cancelable, quite frankly. Yes. And I really think I'm going to out you in a medium or long blog post that gets into the details that starts with what that says that you today i lost a friend is how it would start and it's like no he's not dead he's actually dead to rights slash me let me explain right yeah dot dot dot then they serve an ad scroll down for more

and then just an audio fucking clickbait it's clickbait you piece of shit it's a slide show eight people that made the pixel fires i get paid on the back end that's a banner suddenly i'm Suddenly I'm monetizing the ending. Pop up, pop up, pop up. Clickbait, pop up, link banner. Click on these two links and then X out. Keep this background ad running while I tell you a story. Then we run the MP3 of you saying the horrible thing I don't even want to say. Download the plug-in. Get the plug-in.

You get the plug-in. There's a pre-roll. It's an ad for me undies. It's an ad for Mr. Peanut. Oh, and guess what? This whole thing is co-sponsored. It's branded content. It's SpawnCon for Oakleys.

Thank you. You just made me a billionaire. And what did you have to do for it? You had to say bye-bye to your life as you know it the whole thing is like blowing up trending hashtag no way debacle uh debacle it's like a debacle oakley debacle basically oakley debacle yeah i guess yes and sunglasses sales go through the tooth what does that mean that means i'm getting a tattoo of your teeth on my ass and guessing now you're canceled and now you're canceled and i'll delete this entire section this little runner won't ever see the light of day and i'm sitting on gigs of fucking audio of

terrible shit like the donald trump that will never, ever be released. Yeah. I can't believe we have the Donald Trump tapes. We do. We have the piss tape. And I'm proud of us for sticking to our guns and not releasing that. Yeah. Because, you know, at the end of the day, it's all about the larger issue, privacy.

And we don't want to sort of open that Pandora's box of Big Brother, libertarianism-style vigilante justice, I guess. Thank you so much for listening, guys. Let's take a pretty important break. It's actually a really important break, and we'll be back after these. Kind of interesting messages. Why don't you just throw to it? I'm going to.

Bye for now. We'll be back shortly. They experienced it before. Yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online

portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So again, you go to squarespace.com

slash SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Yes. Yes, I'm coming! Gross. Yes. Yes, I sure do. I'm very much enjoying the Euros, the Euro Cup 2020 tournament for all my football heads out there.

That's right. It's on now. It's happening now. It has been insane so far. Somebody almost died on the pitch. I saw a danish footballer collapsed yeah he basically did die yeah now he's back they used a defibrillator on him jesus like the team doctor said that he was gone like dead to rights was yeah and he he's not just like a random danish player either he's like one of the best yeah he's like a heart issue is he gonna have to retire it sounds like he had a heart attack and

i don't know um what kind of condition he's gonna be in after but it's i mean you're getting cpr on the pitch it's not good is there anything else that happened that was good, or is that pretty much what you want people to see? You kind of fucked up little fan. I don't rotten pervert getting on to this fucking... By the way, it was bad, but it was also very beautiful. The Danish team linked arms and formed a circle around him to give him privacy. The team captain

and the goalie consoled his girlfriend the finnish fans uh chanted his name in a call and response with the denmark fans wow um then the game was postponed and uh apparently from the hospital this guy said that he wanted the team to continue playing so they went back out onto the pitch crying and uh lost but still they lost, they played and they lost. Yeah. That's really fucked up. Does Finland celebrate a goal after that?

It's like, yeah, they really want us to play and then their heart's not in it. And then Finland scores the fucking go ahead goal. Are they like taking off their shirt, running around and pumping up the crowd? Or is it more of like a subdued celebration for that? It'd have to be a muted celebration yeah uh but yeah that was so that was i mean that was the

most insane but also it's just like it's really fun to watch and you don't really it's kind of like the world cup for me i don't know who i'm gonna root for until i start watching the game and then i like start to like players and stuff yeah it seems like you should be rooting for england since you like the Premier League. Yeah, but there's a lot of players on every national team that play in the Premier League. Right. So there's a Croatian man on Chelsea,

so you've got to root for that country. Exactly. Exactly right. America should be in it, now that I think about it. That way we can get a little bit more involved in this international tournament yeah um the the u.s men's team did win like an insane uh oh yeah over mexico mexico yeah so i'm wondering if we should also play netherlands today yeah we could well we could play them today. Mexico. Yeah.

Today they already played Ukraine. But I feel like if America showed up and demanded a fucking match. That's very American. Yeah. Who's going to back down from that? All right, you beat Ukraine. Can you take us on for size? Yeah. No, we just played enough of that.

Quick hat trick. Wait, we actually weren't warmed up we're like fucking jet lag we came up with this idea high two days ago i can't fucking believe you did it you played us why did the refs even stick around for this shit it's absurd we do all right so what what channel is that on whatever nbc espn yeah i mean it's on it's on espn i think it's on nbc um unless it's on abc but it's on it's on all the espns espn one two three various stream it for free online find a way get into it yeah get into it it's good it's good football all right here's a question that caught my eye you forwarded to me first time meeting my grandma yeah not my boyfriend's grandma my

grandmother right so why don't we call this guy jake nerdwitz sounds like a loser jake nerdwitz writes i'm a 24 year old man for the first time ever i have the opportunity to meet my grandma on my dad's side not only is this the first meeting uh time meeting her but it's the first time speaking to her as well growing up nobody ever talked about her and there's also some story where like uh for 16 years before i was born he thought she was dead but anyway uh plans have been made to finally meet this upcoming Monday. My dilemma is, even if I went to meet her at this point, my entire life, she's known I've existed but never made any effort to make contact.

Also, she has talked to my dad on the phone recently and still hasn't wanted to talk to me or my siblings. I didn't know she existed till I was 16 in a random conversation with my dad. So do I go meet this 93 year old for the first and probably last time? Or do I just go hop on Tinder and find a dime piece to make time with? Seize the chance. That's the other option. I gotta go with the Tinder date, right?

Imagine if you could fucking go to first base with a 10. You can see your grandma. Yeah, to connect with your own ancient flesh and blood. But like to fucking, I'm sorry, but hook up with a smoke show. If you're going to swap spit, grandma has to get that. She has to understand. She had a baby once. You know, your father.

So she's definitely gotten laid. Yeah, you got to hang out with grandma. There's not really another option. Yeah, hopefully you listen to this episode and uh only amazing things can happen like what if you meet your grandma and you like you know unlock something special it feels like this is the beginning of a really cool adventure slash story and at worst it's just this um boring weird um time and she's kind of mean to you and you don't ever see her again but you know what at least you

tried i also just feel like i noticed in this question that he's like she didn't ask about me you're projecting this thing onto grandma that is like she doesn't give a shit about me why should i give a shit about her but like you found out about her eight years ago and you also didn't go see her or reach out yeah so it's kind of it's a two-way street you don't know what's gonna cut grandma some slack yeah you don't know the whole story and maybe this is you're not gonna have another chance tinder's always gonna be there the dimes will keep on diming and then maybe your grandma has like someone she can set you up with in a way like oh actually a nurse at the hospital I went to once is not a dime,

but at the very least a nine with a pretty good job. Right. A nine with health benefits? That's a New York 10. Regardless of where this person lives. So, yeah, go see your mom. It'd also be interesting to, like, yeah get to know her and then you can probably um get cash when she pass is on the day which would be sad no one's asking for that to happen obviously no one wants

it's not about like that to happen it's not about the money it's about making a connection with your ancestors it is about you didn't. And the stronger the connection, the more firmly established you will be in the will. No. There is not a probate judge in the land that will take that cash from you. Don't worry about the money. Do it for all the money.

I'm not worried about the money because it's also about the assets, is what I was going to say, because it's not just the cash, but it's the things that she owns. It's the property. Yeah, is what I was going to say, because it's not just the cash, but it's the things that she owns. It's the property. Yeah, no, I know there's monetary benefits to potentially meeting up with your grandmother,

but don't think about that as the reason why you go to jail. Yeah, because it's not like, oh, I'm dead, here's a million dollars. No, you're like, there'll be an estate sale. You may have to go to probate court, as I mentioned. Yeah. But you can milk. You know too much about this shit. This state.

The fact that you know about all this stuff means, like, I don't want to know what kind of nefarious shit you got into recently. But you definitely know about the ins and outs from, like, a personal, in a personal way, it seems like. Especially the word all i'm saying is that you can yes you can inherit things that are not actually ancestrally yours is what i will say um there are there are ways to skirt the law jake is holding a gold bar as he tells this to you i've never seen you have that that old coin a sack of gold coins a super expensive lamp estate sale actually nice really nice uh here's another question from someone that's saying karaoke with you on nantucket whoa okay are you familiar with this man um yes yes i am okay we'll call this guy i don't know who's the most famous person in nantucket um tommy hill figure oh yeah he you've

had a house there tommy h writes i have a small predicament um i just moved to a city where a new friend of mine from grad school lives. For background, this friend is a girl and in a very steady long-term relationship. My girlfriend is prone to jealousy and made a big stink when I said I was going to hang out with my old friend. I have absolutely no ill intentions in mind vis-a-vis my school friend, but I don't want to cause any friction with my girlfriend by meeting up with her. Do I meet up with her and her boyfriend? To be honest, he's fun.

And not tell my girlfriend? Or do I meet up with her and her boyfriend? To be honest, he's fun. And not tell my girlfriend? Or do I tell her and probably make her uncomfortable? My girlfriend is long distance, so going on a double date is not really an option anytime soon. And as of right now, I'm pretty much ignoring my school friend, which seems to be the path of least resistance. But I feel bad. Long time fan, especially since I sing karaoke with Jake in Nantucket.

Love, Tommy H. Big, yep. I remember it was at the Rose and Crown, I believe. That's cool, yeah. What song? That, I don't remember. I don't remember at all. I wouldn't have sung is the thing.

So he must have sung and we met at some point. Got it, yeah. is the thing so he must have sung and we met at some point got it yeah uh and in terms of this predicament he's in can he hang out with this lady and her boyfriend that seems to be like a pretty casual non-cheating way to hang out with someone in a new city yeah i feel like this is if your girlfriend's jealousy is an issue this this is like, this has to be addressed. You're doing something not nefarious. You're hanging out with, it's not even this guy's like ex. It's a friend of his that's a girl and her boyfriend.

Frankly, this is insane. This is grounds for expulsion. I mean, you deal with this head on by just being like, there's nothing to be jealous of. What I think someone who is jealous, what they fear is, it's not just the act of cheating. It's the demise of the relationship. And what this is spelling out, even though you're not hanging out with your friend, which maybe in the jealous person's eyes, that's good, I think it spells out the demise of the relationship

because you're going to grow resentful. You're going to be kept prisoner from having friends friends of the opposite sex that's not a healthy good way to live and it's worse for the longevity of the relationship which is what the jealous person wants to preserve or you don't talk to anybody while you're at this new city because you're afraid of angering this partner that you're with and you wouldn't like her when she's angry. Oh, no. So you have to do Postmates but contactless delivery

because at a certain point when you're collecting your food, you're going to brush it. Can I see that Postmates profile picture? Because she's kind of cute, isn't she? No, it's a guy. Isn't she? It's Manny. Manny dropped off a burrito bowl.

I did not even fucking look at him why did you tip manny 25 that's a pandemic i wanted to be nice blow you really outstanding service from manny right he gave me a hand job you're talking about it like he went to oral base oh my god you're jealous you're absolutely a menace because i did hand stuff with my uber delivery driver that's cheating god that's cheating well if that's not cheating then yeah it was all dry yeah you can't cheat if it's dry and so is the chicken By the time I got to it, after the handy, that Mandy gave to me. Sorry, Mandy. I was in a bit of a stuck in a rhyming scheme.

But either way, I'll be good. I think you got to say, I'm hanging out with this couple. I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable, but I promise we won't triple kiss or some shit. What are you worried about? I can have friends. I think it also helps to like, no, no,

your intentions in your heart, you know, like if you are hanging out with this girl and her boyfriend, because purely you are in a new city and you want friends, which I believe it sounds like that's the case. Yeah. And go with God, you are good. And if you're like, well, no yeah go with god you are good and if you're

like well no the girl's kind of hot and i really like talking to her then then check yourself you know that song that goes i'm just a girl whose intentions are good oh lord please don't help me be misunderstood no i do not all right let's take a break and um shit i really thought you would have um known that song but that's okay i doubt i sing it well or correctly anyway ass wipe i'll just uh i'll look it up because it's starting to like piss me off how little you know starting to yeah you're you came into this conversation mad I'm gonna find it during this break I really will and I'll come back and we'll play the song and you'll fucking listen to it for once okay relax let's take five I see oh yeah

enjoy the let's take five let's take five weeks off right, see you. Oh, yeah. Enjoy the fucking- Yeah, let's take five. Let's take five weeks off, okay? Five weeks off. No. No. I can do this. I can power through. Give me fucking 10 minutes. Jesus Christ, everything's a fucking vacation with you.

All right, we'll be back. Christ. You know what? This is not working. I'm going to go to Ibiza for a week and a half. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood. Do you remember that? How does that sound? I'm just a soul whose intentions are good? Yeah. I'm just a soul whose intentions are good.

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood. No, I do not. Did that sound familiar to you? No, it didn't. it it was nice i like the song it's not evidently not evidently not did you like it i did like it really why do you think evident why do you think it's evident that i didn't i said i wasn't familiar with it but i liked it yeah i just i have this weird fucking hang up that you've probably heard every song that you'll ever like. Yeah, that is a weird fucking hang up. I can't seem to try as I might get over that fucking absurd reality. That doesn't even make sense.

Yeah. To others or me. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Oh, actually, I was going to ask you, but it can be my unsolicited. Did you watch the Bo Burnham special inside? No, I was going to ask you, but it can be my unsolicited. Did you watch the Bo Burnham special, Inside? No, I watched some of it. Jill was watching it when I was out and I came home

and I finished watching it with her. I highly recommend it. Yeah, I highly recommend it, not only to Jake, but to everybody. I watched it all in one sitting and I was like, wow, that was very intense. But now I find myself going back, listening to the songs enjoying it on like a purely musical level in addition to like the insane story and journey that he takes us through yeah yeah there i forget what song it was it's like there it goes again or something like that yeah that funny feeling

yeah oh yeah that funny feeling god that's a it's a very beautiful song yeah like it it starts off very silly like songs that you've heard before like white girls instagram type of humor like making fun of internet culture and then it gets like through the pandemic darker and darker and darker and that's kind of like the crescendo is like him talking about the entire world going away in a few years and that funny feeling that he gets and why he gets that feeling. God. Yeah. But it's a,

I highly recommend it not only to Jake, but to everybody check it out. It's funny that he did our podcast like four years ago just to promote a, a different comedy special. And since then he directed a movie and then did this insane fucking powerful, crazy Netflix special. Yeah, Christ. Should we have him back on the show?

He hasn't returned. Let's put out some feelers for Burnham. I'll DM him, although he kind of talks about Twitter being a death sentence. But I'll see if he responds. Just at him. Yeah. Yeah, I'll send him an Insta DM. He does talk about social media sort of leading to the de-evolution

and end of our universe, but I wonder if he still checks that out. I have to agree with him. Yeah. I would agree. Yeah. He's just better at articulating it, I guess, in a very catchy way. We should have gone into music like we spent so much time worrying about sketches and comedy and acting and being silly that we never really got to exercise

our music muscles because we don't like know how to play an instrument or write a song or like do that kind of shit um yeah you say like we should have got into music like that was an option we didn't have like i'm saying we didn't have a path yeah if we like took piano lessons as a kid or you took guitar lessons you know how to play french horn yeah but that's not like necessarily going to help us when we're writing sketches about i don't know a single almond i don't think right and i can play a tuba fine but yeah still it's not going to like help us write catchy and i do right i have can play tuba fine but yeah still it's not gonna like help us write catchy and i do right i have i play the cello and the violin but it's not like that doesn't our instruments that we you know i'm like a classically trained cellist i i majored in classical film and music and i

minored in art yeah um i have an art minor what I'm saying we have no one's talking about it yes we can't sing and even if I did minor in something that doesn't necessarily mean that I majored in it I have a major problem and that's just I have a minor degree. And a minor concussion. In A minor. Because I hit my head on some cymbals. I have an E major scale in A minor. And I have a fucking concussion. And I'm having a stroke in D flat major minor. So I can't write a song about how I feel when I think the world is coming to an end.

I'm sorry. I'm not as talented as you, Jake. Christ, man. Oh, here's another question that we found. Let's hear it. Sorry, I had to just snap out of it. This guy is in a... You didn't snap out of it at all.

Remix. in a remix uh uh uh he's a 19 year old boy from the u.s of a and he's in caught into some sort of roommate love debacle love it um we'll call this 19 year old christian pulisic pulisic yeah what's that guy's name pulisic christian p writes i'm a 19 year old boy here from? Yeah. What's that guy's name? Pulisic? Christian P. writes, I'm a 19-year-old boy here from the U.S. of A. Here's the deal, fellas. About a year ago, I started college and moved into an apartment with my two best friends from high school, a guy and a girl who we'll call Paul and Ariel. Because those are their real names. Yeah.

We found out relatively early that Paul had feelings for ariel and she did not reciprocate which uh made a general awkward living situation towards the end of the first semester paul confesses his feelings and ariel declines after that paul tended to stay in his room mostly of course nice then over the course of the second semester mean ariel becomes super close and did almost everything together one night we got drunk and ended up making out and confessing our feelings to each other but agreed that nothing should happen since you know we're roommates and we live with paul and after that things have stayed more or less normal between us aside from the occasional joke about it but now i feel like i might have some serious feelings for her and i don't know what to do a few weeks ago all three

of us got drunk together and we ended up telling Paul that we made out and he was surprisingly chill about it. However, Paul later told me that while I was in the bathroom, she told him that she really liked me and that I needed to make a move. I've never been good at making moves and I'll be honest here. So what do I do, boys? How do I work up the courage to seize the cheese? Should this cheese be seized at all? Any help would be appreciated. And congratulations to Jake on a golden mic streak. You're crushing it, man. Love.

Thank you. Christian. So here's the thing. He doesn't have a problem. He doesn't have a problem. Because it's not really a love triangle as much as it is a love line. And then there's also a different point that's hanging out on a completely separate plane of existence if paul had like he was surprisingly chill about you guys kissing

that i could look like he might be stewing he might be being like whatever but he's harboring bad feelings yeah for him to come to you after and be like ariel told me that she likes you and you need to make a move paul didn't have to tell you that he didn't need to tell you to make the move if he didn't want that right yeah so it seems like he's not only um acting like he's over it he might actually be over it yeah paul's being your wingman now right um so do you have to get drunk again can you make a move sober um it sounds like being a little drunk is where this guy gets the most courage which is fine in the initial stages yeah so like it seems like every single one of these steps forward in your and Ariel's relationship has come on the heels of getting drunk. I mean, we were talking about singing and stuff.

Is it crazy to, like, create this flash mob song style situation where Paul and Christian sort of confess dual love in a pick me a will they won't they situation? Almost like a promposal meets in the heights style medley um so if you'll excuse me i think i'm ready to i want one second because i am yeah you're asking me a question you're saying is it crazy and then you you fucking talked for one unbroken run-on sentence where i think you were about to launch into the details of the flash mob. Yep. The song? Yeah.

Excuse me? I want to sing it, but when you're ready. I guess I'm ready, but you just, just so we're clear, you don't want me to answer. Hey there, Ariel. What's it like when you're on Instagram? I don't think you responded to my DMs while I have a crush on you. And Paul has one fucking too.

Can you believe this fool? Oh, it's what you choose me. Oh, why don't you choose me? A thousand miles feels pretty... This part's like the song. Feels pretty far. They have trains and planes and cars. I'll walk with you if you choose this fool.

Now you're singing to Lylan. You're just singing it verbatim. Yeah. You were giddy and eager to sing that song. I was giddy and yago to sing it and so i did it on our podcast is that crazy you texted him once seven years ago invite him on the show yeah it's a good idea for some reason i felt like he had been on the show but he hasn't been yeah you're thinking of bo burnham again right Right. Fair enough. Um, Oh,

it's what you choose to me. Oh, it's what you start making out. Oh, is this cause I'm singing poorly? Um, yeah, it seems like you're good to go.

You're having a fine, fine predicament, which is you like somebody, they like you. There's third roommate is kind of uninvolved and if you're worried about making a move you can rest assured that the moves have already been made you made out confessed your feelings then uh got drunk again came clean to the roommate and then found out that she likes you and wants you to keep on hooking up with her everything has already happened you don't need to make a move yeah everything is good for now

it's set up and in a way that's very very low risk it would be funny if paul was fucking setting you up you go in for the kiss like i thought you said I thought you said, Paul said that you liked me. I didn't say that. He was setting you up to fail. That's Paul's long con. That's right. Yeah, it feels like Paul's this shifty little Jew who's sort of like scheming, almost Hugo style to separate you and his crush. Very Hugo.

Yes, a little Hugo style. Why'd you do this to me? Oh, Paul. Why did you do this to me oh why did you do this to me oh paul the worst part of any song a thousand miles is pretty far still seeing that. Well, I didn't work on the bridge yet. I didn't work on it yet, unfortunately. All right. Let us know what happens. Enjoy.

We want to live vicariously through this. Fuck it. I'll even, if Paul moves out, I'll move in. I've been looking for a place to leave because things are not going well at home anyway. Jesus, man. I'll fucking live with you guys. You think you're having fun now. Wait till Uncle Amir is here.

I'm so sorry. Yeah. I meant to tell you before the show. I'm leaving home. I'm like a Visa or a MasterCard. I'm leaving home without it. So, yeah. Appreciate it. I'm like a visa or a mastercard I'm leaving home without it so yeah appreciate it thank you for saying so

or you haven't said anything yet I assume you were going to say something reassuring or something I saw you typing do you want to end the episode here well you can do your thing say that I'm going to be fine or whatever and then we can end the episode who's the first who's the first theme song oh it's the uh arabian nights ruben ruben delight sky rockets in flight i will be all right even you saying that would mean the world to me I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine it's gonna be tough to record the podcast when you're out on your ass but I feel like it'll be better for it if I host the show solo dolo style and you'll be living with Ariel and Paul

and Christian I just I wonder if I'll have a living with Ariel and Paul and Christian. I just, I wonder if I'll have a crush on one of them and make it like a legit fucking love triangle. Or not. It really doesn't matter. A square? Yeah, exactly. Square.

Oh, it's what you do to me. Oh, Paul. All right. Why don't you sign us off while I find this closing theme song? I know I just had it somewhere. It's in this email address. Talk. Where can people see more?

Where can people email us? Well, you know what? You can send your questions and your theme songs over to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. You could watch us on Patreon at patreon.com slash JA, where we are re-watching our old web series, which we now own. So if you want to just watch those videos for free and support us that way,

then head on over to jakeandamir.com, follow our social medias on Twitter and Instagram, Jake and Amir. That's right. That was all correct. I still haven't found it. So I'm going to play this other song by Daniel House. Perfect.

Been wanting to do this for a while and it felt like a good song. It's a parody of Sunday Best by Surfaces. Todah. He says, your show is a bright spot on the dullness of mondays wow and uh he deserves a golden mic for that i don't think he deserves one before i get one um but thank you for writing it in um if you don't mind shouting out my wife allison and i's podcast house decided that would be super kind we've had the incredible addle refi on the show and we'll soon have another member of hey riddle riddle So there you go.

Thanks, Daniel House. Look at that. No golden mic for you, but we appreciate the song nonetheless. Jesus. Any final? I mean, he shouldn't get one is all, because I still haven't gotten one. Well, he's not really eligible as not a host, but I think we can issue a kind of commemorative golden mic thing.

You know, just like, fuck it. I'll take it. Mwah, mwah. You obviously get the dirty. For the fucking weird outburst that you've had throughout the entire... You yelled at me multiple times. You sang a shitty Hey There Delilah cover i'm cranky you i'm honestly hangry i think you said you were getting kicked out of your house things are going badly at home and you're gonna move in with three 19 year olds and try to start a love triangle even though that's four people and it's

obviously a square and i just feel like you can't get even the pity golden mike this episode because you the the entire you were a fat ass turd this whole this whole day i'm just a soul whose intentions are good please don't give me a turdy. It's way too late. We'll see you guys next week, I said. Let me fucking end this show. You just got another one for defending your ass with another bad song. If I were you, Jake and Shmoo The only show that's hosted by these two cool dudes They'll do their best, get it off your chest

Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best Been hitting on your roommate or saw your dad in a towel Ride into these dudes and they will help you get around it Even if you fucked up really bad don't be confounded Jacob has so many golden mics that it's astounding Jake and Amir will solve your crimes Amir's won the tourney every time That's okay

It's okay It's okay If I were you, Jake and Shmoo The only show that's hosted by these two cool dudes. They'll do their best, get it off your chest. Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best. Didn't do your chores and now your parents say you're grounded. Try to hook up with your buddies's aunt But she's not about it

Got a crush on someone And you wanna scream and shout it Solicit or not They'll find you awesome Common ground kid Here's a piece of free advice Give my man Jake The golden mic

That's okay Uh-huh that's okay Oh, oh, oh That's okay It's okay If I were you With Jake and Shmoo The only show that's hosted by

These two cool dudes They'll do their best Get it off your chest Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best. Power you. Jake and Schmoo. The only show that's hosted by these two cool dudes. They'll do their best.

Get it off your chest. Give Jake that golden mic because he is the best. Or maybe give it to Amir. I don't know. That was a Hiddem Original. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a

McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.