Segments - 493: Cuddle vs. Huddle

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

In this episode we discuss stealing cats, drinking caffeine, and standing in the way of fantasies.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. Are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com.

That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and it like when you're on Instagram? I don't think you responded to my DMs, that's why I have a crush on you And Paul has one fucking too, you will leave this fool Oh, it's what you choose me Oh, why don what you choose me Oh, why don't you choose me? Oh, it's what you choose me Oh, why don't you choose me?

A thousand miles feels pretty far And they've got planes and trains and cars. I'll walk with you if you choose this fool. I swear it's true. Oh, it's what you choose to me. Oh, it's what you choose to me. Oh, why'd you do this to me? Oh, Paul, why'd you do this to me?

Why'd you do this to me? Oh, oh, Paul, Paul. oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh That was good. They really take your dribble and they turn it into something. It's so... Well, I imagine it more of a collaborative effort, but yes. Not really a collaborative effort. I mean, it sounded funny when they did it.

It's what you Paul to me. By me. Not really by you. And I guess Isaac and his girlfriend Ella sort of took that and ran. They stole it, is what they did. They elevated it. They saved it. They saved it. They fixed it.

You said, oh, it's what you choose me. It makes no sense. Oh, it's what you choose me. But they sung it, so it made it funny. I think I'm going to fucking Venmo request them for royalty rights. Royalty rights. They sort of stole my idea and monetized it. They don't monetize it.

They sent it to us for free for a fucking shout out. If you didn't listen to last episode, I came up with that beautiful song on the spot. No, you didn't come up with it on the spot. It's a cover of Hey There Delilah. The Plain White Tees came up with that song. Okay. Yeah, it is.

They're the ones that could be suing. They're the ones that could be Venmo they're the ones that could be venmo requested yeah yeah and then um uh this is isaac gear and his girlfriend ella massive fans nothing to plug but uh shout out to the pinch aka the pimp congratulate him for winning another golden mic this week adding to his ridiculous legacy congr Amazing. Thank you. Congrats, bud. Thank you. I appreciate that. Really cool to be awarded the Golden Mike by the artists who came up with the theme song. Pretty neat. I'm the artist.

That doesn't happen very often. Not really. Not really at all. The Plain White Tees are the artists. I feel like it's happening more often than not. I don't think it's happening more often that the artists are awarding me the Golden Mike. I feel like that's probably the one. I think it might be the first time in history that it's happening more often that the artists are awarding me the golden mic. I feel like that's probably the one. I think it might be the first time in history that it's happened.

Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. Not a big deal to you. Anyway. Not a big deal to you. I guess you don't give a shit when the golden mic is awarded. Not a congrats, bud.

Not an applause. No request for me to make a speech. I'm obviously. Applause. make a speech i'm obviously applause a speech i'm obviously humbled for a fake award you give yourself for seven i didn't give the word myself did i or do you feel like i just got awarded the song by the artist the word from the artist gave me the award don't don't hold a pen by the way don't hold a pen why you're not doing anything creative artistic i'm making a point you're not doing anything creative, artistic, and interesting. I'm making a point.

You're not like, you're not a business. Now it's behind your ear. That's where I keep the pen in case I have a thought or an idea or a poem or an essay or something. You don't do anything that warrants having it. Sometimes I need to pen a note or a letter or a poem or a haiku. No, no. A limerick or a rhyme. Sometimes I'll sketch.

You send garbage memes on Slack. I'll sit near a bridge in a park and I'll sketch something. An old fellow with his granddaughter chasing a balloon or something. Yes, I do. I find little moments of beauty. The desperate, fleeting essence of life those your knuckles are yeah well i it looks like you've been punching a wall i couldn't think of any poems

i had half of a limerick and i got mad at myself there once was a man from Brooklyn, and then what's the fucking rest? So I punched a wall. Mazel tov. All right. Thank you to Isaac and his girlfriend Ella for taking that sweet, sweet theme to the next level. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the WOD. I am Jod. WOD and Jod.

Slight upgrade from Rodney and Godney last episode. Rodney and Godney have been, we've transformed, we've evolved into Wad and Jod. It feels like we're getting worse. Every week we're growing slowly more insane. At least Godney was a joke. What is is wad and john i don't remember uh this is probably what our hundredth episode in a row that we haven't been in the same room i don't even remember what it's like recording not over zoom yeah it's funny remember when i first moved to new york and we would sometimes record remote and we'd try to bank as many as we could when I was in L.A.? But like sometimes we would record remote and we were nervous people were going to notice.

And like sometimes people did and sometimes people didn't. It's funny how much did we use Zoom? I don't think we used Zoom. I think we used Skype maybe or Google Meetups. Yeah, or FaceTime. But yeah, now it's just so normal. Everyone's podcasting on Zoom, into a Zoom. Yeah. Now it's going to be weird when we're actually in the same room together again.

The other day I almost was like, it's a good idea for a podcast to just have a podcast called In Person. And it's a podcast that happens in real life now that's an angle yeah some shows some shows are back in like in the studios but it seems like very little very few of them really are yeah do you listen to other pods or i don't know that about um i mean not really i listen like three podcasts yeah i kind of only listen to our podcasts. You listen to our podcasts? Yeah, I listen every week and I write in a lot of questions. You choose

the questions. You should be able to get on it more. I know. A lot of these are kind of long-winded and we've answered them before. Asked and answered. Wad. Stand down, Wad. Quiet, Jod um all right these are uh a fresh new batch hot emails hot off the press um from our fans sent over to ifireeshow at gmail.com here's one from a first year university student very nice why don't we name him?

What was your freshman year roommate's name? Ken. Ken? Yeah. Cool. May he rest in party. What happened? He's fine, I think.

He died at a club. At a club, actually. Don't disrespect him like that. On a Wednesday. Wacky Wednesday. Yeah, he got in all right imagine ken and jake living together god the damage you guys did to that room i'm just thinking about the amount of jizz all over that place it must have been looking like a fucking black light party every night it's crazy's crazy how we had many a blacklight in the room, which was risky behavior for the amount that I jacked off in there.

It looked like a fucking Jackson Pollock on the ceiling. Are those glow-in-the-dark star stickers that you have up there, or is that just like a fucking volcanic amount of sea that you and Ken would just fucking sword fight. You've talked enough about my sploosh, and I'd like you to move on. You waxed about my vase, Deference. All right, here we go. Ken writes, I'm a first-year university student. Recently, there was a fire alarm at 3.30 in the morning,

waking everyone up and sending them outside. While outside, a very drunk girl decided to latch onto me and cuddled with me as I was freezing outside instead of standing there awkwardly. I decided to hug her back until we got into the building. The issue is I've had a girlfriend for a year. When I left the drunk girl, she tried to kiss me, but I got the hell out of there and she passed out on a bed.

I haven't told my girlfriend yet because she'll get mad. Should I have told her? Am I in the wrong here? Thanks, guys. Ta-da. I feel like in the grand scheme of things that, you know, the type of questions we get this one's really not bad i don't think he did anything that wrong like you huddled don't talk don't say cuddled

say huddled okay you huddled for warmth you didn't cuddle for mirth do you know what's the what's the difference between a huddling and a cuddling? A huddling you do to survive. Like, if we were trapped in a bivouac up on Everest or something, we wouldn't not embrace because we need to share body warmth. And that wouldn't be cheating on our wives. So would you say huddling is cute? No, sorry. Cuddling is cute. Huddling is hot. Yeah. Because it's about warmth. It's about heat. So huddling is hot cuddling and cuddling is cute huddling. Put it that way. It sounds a lot worse. I think as long as you, bad or not the cuddle, what happened was that it escalated to a kiss,

which you denied and left. So I think you don't have to say anything. Interesting. Okay. But the trying to kiss situation, does that change anything for you she went to kiss him and he backed away well i don't think it's necessarily like first of all how long could they really have been hugging for it's like a school fire drill it's not like they were out there for an hour or something yeah well it's not it wasn't a fire drill, it was a fire alarm. Fire alarm. The entire building was sort of engulfed

for the entire night. And yeah, and it ended up succumbing to the flames. It was a sexy bonfire. Four students were lost, I guess, because just the sheer amount

of semen was so flammable. No way. The entire thing went up like a gas fire. And this was at Moravian, right? Jesus, is this my old dorm? Yeah, and this email was written in 2008. I don't know, when were you in college? It's just about then. Yeah. Okay, so huddling, not as bad as cuddling, not as necessary to tell the lady about it.

You didn't do anything wrong. I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't do it again. You did something wrong enough that it's a no-no. I'll scold you. Don't do that again. But I don't think you need to, like, come clean. Yeah.

I bet you like to come clean, didn't you? Freshman year, you and Ken. Not me and Ken. No, we didn't. You used to take turns coming clean. That's like when you hit the trash can exactly right, so there was no cleanup. No threat.

Fucking pervert. It's disgusting. The fact that you made that up on the fly means you played that. Me and my freshman year roommate used to come clean all the time uh all right let's fast forward into the relationship life cycle a little more this one this question is from a lady about breaking up with a dude so you know this other guy's worst nightmare right we'll call him well or sorry we'll call her cat because this is about a cat love it my boyfriend and i are breaking up right it's cat it's a friendly breakup though we just want different things we've lived together for three years and

in that time he and my cat snowball a white fluffy adorable thing have really bonded she likes him more than me she rubs her face in any of his clothes as he leaves the bed and if she's on my lap and he sits next to me she'll move over to him i have another cat i've had these cats since i was a teenager the ex asked if he can have snowball i said i'd think about it what do you think should i give him give him my cat who likes him better than he likes me uh i love my cat i love my cat five thousand dollars that's the amount i paid in vet bills after she got attacked by a dog but there's no denying that she likes him better than me uh also in the greater context of the situation this would basically be you can't have my uterus for your babies, but you can have my cat.

Love, cat. Okay, cat. What do you think? What's your gut? Well, I have a very similar situation. Avital had a dog, Luke, and then we moved in together, and now Luke likes me more than he likes her, so he sleeps at my feet. Is that where the similarities end? Or are you guys on the outs, on the rocks?

Is the relationship? No, it's just about the fact. Because you said it was, I'm in a similar situation. Stop trying to pry into private shit. You brought it up. You brought up your private shit. You said, I'm in a similar situation. This question's about a breakup.

You said, I'm in a similar situation. We're not breaking up. It was a cry for help we're not breaking up right yeah great great great because you you're not breaking yes yeah you're not breaking up because you don't have any problems or you're not breaking up because you're going to work through your problems and are your problems don't this isn't like a howard stern style like interview that you're trying to get me to like and why are you sitting on a sybian machine it's unrelated it's good for my back i

have a sciatica sybian for my sciatica but yeah if we were to split up um would the dog go with me would the dog go with avital i mean that's her decision she paid for the dog go with me? Would the dog go with Avital? I mean, that's her decision. She paid for the dog. I mean, she owns Luke after all. The animal doesn't choose. The animal, the animal doesn't choose, but would you,

the question too, though, is would you ask? Because like, it's not like she's just trying to do what is best for the cat. The boyfriend's also put in the request. So it's not just like, you know, if Avital left and she knew in her request so it's not just like you know if avital left and

she knew in her heart that luke would rather be with you but she took luke anyway it's like she's leaving you luke uh likes you more and you say i'd really like to keep luke i think it depends on who breaks up with who like if she breaks up with me then like she can leave luke as like a parting gift and like if this lady breaks up with the dude then it's like at least you can have this cat that's a nice little sweet gesture but if it's like i'm gonna break up with you and give me your dog to boot that almost seems like it was a long con to get a pet yeah a pet i also think that it's very unlikely that he would ask if it wasn't her leaving him. Like, usually when you're breaking up with someone, you just want out and you don't really, you're not gonna, you'd prefer not to think of them. They say that like, when you, when you're breaking up with

someone, like the person doing the breaking up doesn't mourn the relationship as much because they mourned the relationship like during the relationship like as they were realizing that they needed to end it that's when they started their process but then you get broken up with and you have to start that process so i doubt that you would be like um you know wanting to move on and then also ask for a cat you're probably like in shock you're like i'm gonna lose my girlfriend can i at least have the cat you know yeah i think i think the best of both worlds is like i don't know i'm already five thousand dollars invested in the health of this cat oh you ask for cash you wanna fucking pay for that you can earn the cat through catch and here's the cat yeah yeah you have to convince the cat to eat the money shit it out into my wallet and then he's yours snowball gems yeah

uh yeah so you can um i think it depends on who breaks up with who and then it also depends on if you can get some cash for the cat. If he really wants this cat, then he has to retroactively pay for the vet bills to me. It's an investment. And in fact, with interest, you're not buying high and selling low. You need at least $5,500 back. That's definitely good if you want a clean break from this guy, because I feel like after you say something like that, the breakup doesn't get friendly.

It's not a friendly breakup anymore. Yeah, you're starting to discuss money. Honey. That's not clean. And I know a little something about being clean. How's that? Because I used to come clean. All right, let's take a break.

Oh, come on. I didn't need to fucking hear that admission of guilt. I already knew you were like that. You depraved little 18-year-old fucking pervert. Go to break. Go to break. Let's thank some sponsors. Come back and answer some more cues after these.

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first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. I'll tell you about something I'm doing personally, myself, and that is pairing back. Or no, yeah, pairing back, taking, what's the fucking?

I'm drinking less coffee. That's what I'm doing. You're sort of weaning yourself off of caffeine. Well, I still love coffee like, I still love coffee, and I like the ritual, and I like the way it tastes, and I like the way it makes me feel. I'm having up to three a day at this point. That is, yeah. I was drinking coffee probably past the point where I was getting the enjoyment from the coffee. My first cup, I still feel happy, good, energized. Second cup, midway through, I start to feel a little jittery.

And then I want to power through, get it done, finish the coffee. And then sometimes, sometimes you'd hit them with the afternooner, that post-lunch coffee. So when you were doing three a day it was not i why did i think you were already off the afternoon onto a tea or something like that it seems like that was just a phase during the winter or something yeah no i think i this past year i like i took the afternoon coffee kind of out of the equation or at the very least i would not have another coffee after lunch but then i would sometimes be having like a third coffee right before lunch a 1 p.m coffee or like wow really what it was was like an initial coffee to kick off the day and then a larger coffee that was almost like two coffees you start the day with the trenti and then you have another it's like yeah yeah that's not or the venti not the trenti come on

um anyway too much coffee so i'm back to just one cup in the morning in the am and then do you what how long has that been going on are you feeling the crash yet no if anything i feel better it's been maybe like three weeks oh so you you've given this a real try yeah yeah a real try getting up uh earlier having my coffee a little bit later rather than like right away um and then no coffee after after the initial covfefe. Okay, here's a question. Yeah. Let's say, when are you most awake? Like, you're most energetic 100% or as close to it energy-wise in the day.

11 to 1.30. Got it. So, like, pre-lunch, but post-morning, whatever. Post maybe a shower and your first caffeine, and now you're riding high. Yeah, usually it's wake up, exercise, afterwards, shower, coffee, computer. And that's where I'm the most productive.

It's post-shower. I've done the hardest thing I'm going to do all day, which is work out. Then I'm just easing into the rest of the day, which is like computer-related tasks. And then when are you the most tired usually? Take away like right before bed. And could I also take away right in the morning

when I first wake up? Oh, yeah. That doesn't count either. Great. Then I'll say when I'm dead asleep at 2.42 a.m. I really... Middle of a REM cycle. I don't...

I don't... There's not... I don't have that, like, afternoon crash like I used to get, like, the 4 p.m. post-lunch crash. Yeah. I think that's when I'm the most tired. It's like 3.45 and there's still like two and a half hours left of broad daylight. But I'm not like at a dinner time yet.

So I'm just like, that's when I'm most dragging. But I also don't have coffee in the afternoon either. I'm basically at that one in the morning level. And that time though, when like your, your post lunch thing, like my post lunch time is like when Los Angeles is waking up and people are slacking, they're emailing. Um, so I feel more engaged. Like I, I remember when I was in LA with you guys feeling that same thing. And I feel like that's partially because like the East coast has gone to bed. It feels like things are already sort of starting to slow down.

Right. So it's like 7 PM on the East coast, 4 PM in LA. Don't know what to be working on. Right. But I still got two to three hours before dinner. That's when I'm the most tired. That makes sense.

And how many coffees? It has to do with the sunlight one in the morning. Well, then that's it. Like when I'm driving into the sun or like walking into the sun and it's like setting and like yellow that's when i feel like the most tired and drained yeah the sun the sun will tucker you out it really will yeah even though i'm not really doing anything it's just existing really the sun's supposed to give me energy interesting

so are you doing anything for caffeine in the afternoon? Yeah, I have a five-hour energy, a vodka Red Bull. Never mind. And then I do a matcha. What you're doing is so much more intense. A matcha. So much more insane. I said matcha.

You said a five-hour energy, and I think you said a vodka Red Bull. Yeah, and a vodka soda. And a monster. Four loco. Two four locos. Tall boy. So you recommend it. You recommend not having to be a slave to the coffee gods

where you're needing to have it. Yeah, I was getting to the point where I was just feeling jittery before lunch. Where I was eating, it felt like out of necessity because I was like I was rattled and shaken from the caffeine. Wow. Now I don't feel like that.

Do you eat a big lunch? Or do you wait to have a heavy meal later in the day? I usually eat a pretty light lunch lunch is almost always light uh yeah breakfast is light too dinner is happy dinner it's real heavy i have an extra large cheese pizza a hoagie a taco lasagnas and a calzone fucking pancakes yeah i'm down to try switching it up i don't know what what should i do differently fuck it i'll have a i'll have a chicken parm every morning and see what happens to me yeah breakfast is a myth you can have food any different time like it doesn't have to be eggs sandwich chicken parm it could be

chicken parm at the top to start the day well breakfast is the highest highest variance because like my body doesn't know if it's thursday or sunday so like some days it's just getting a banana and then some days it's getting like a breakfast burrito and like the difference between those two things are so vast how can my body possibly keep up yeah it's true are you so banana is like monday through friday breakfast burrito is a weekend treat yeah but yeah i should normalize it i should really just put the banana inside the burrito and just fucking have two of them throughout the day and then maybe like a slim fast milkshake style thing in the middle of the night when i wake up for my uh the terrors thing that i've been sort of not dealing with it's been kicking my ass dealing with means i'm making

progress um yeah i'm like fucking battling with myself i'm a hazard to myself it's like that song i'm a hazard to myself so i'll wake up worst enemy yeah cold and sweating and afraid and like wondering what the fuck is going on and like not being able to grapple with that because my mind is racing a fucking thousand miles a minute and you said you and avital are good everything's fine there i'm just trying to like figure some shit out career-wise and personal wise to like personal what goes and so like i'm i'm doing the adderall thing but like it's making me tired then i'm like sort of experimenting with different psychedelic microdose try what i'm doing with the four looko and the Avo. And the Avo, you know? You do...

And do they make those anymore? They don't. You have to get them... On eBay. Yeah, they say expired on the label, but they were never good to begin with. So expired doesn't really mean jack shit to me. They come in a case of warm, dusty cans,

and you just sort of have to hose them down put them in a freezer for a month and then you can have them they don't get cold it's so bizarre right if anything yeah if they come out as gas which is fine because you can huff that they come out as steam so uh all right good tips um all right next question right let's see here another classic relationship query a ccc let's do it um this one it starts out by saying this one's for jake so we'll call this guy um dale earnhardt jr why i know he was such a fan of yours was i'm in college and i've been dating this guy for nine months now and i really like him the problem is on wednesday and mondays after a certain class i shower and change in a locker room with this other guy i'm a guy too he's a fucking 11 cent piece and i don't mind the view while we're showering turns

out he feels the same way i told him i have a boyfriend but he said he'd still be down to bang and if he came on to me uh in the locker room i don't know if i could say no i also don't see him i also can't not see him because it's part of my class routine what should i do thanks for your help love dale earnhardt jr nice sounds hot sounds sexy i think you it sounds like you want to bang the guy because at one point he says um i can't not see him but you are showering in a locker room after class. And I feel like that's voluntary behavior because you probably like... He has to shower there. There's literally no other options than to have this steamy, steamy crush. I mean, that's definitely...

I can understand why you feel like you have to do that because it sounds hot. And you don't want to do anything else but um it certainly sounds like you want to fuck him and it's bordering on you are going to fuck him too you already have so i think what you have to do is probably let the boyfriend know in advance of this yeah and he has to let it happen because he's like he has to get that this is so hot that he doesn't want to stand in the way like if something is truly hot you can't just be like this can't happen because of me right because this universe this is like out of it's like yeah it's it's from a porno it's from it's from a sexy ass scene in in like um a like a movie or something you know like and you don't want to be the dude that stands in the way of that you can't be you can't be

because if the tables were flipped you'd want to you'd want that hotness for you yeah and this is you asking your boyfriend to like left with you like get that. Like if you found a hot guy in a shower, I'd want you to have that. And so I think it's only fair. In fact, hypothetically, you've already cheated on me. So this is probably fine just to get even with you.

Hypothetically. Cause you feel like it's because the fantasy happened to him. Yeah, exactly. It's already happened to him. So now you have to level the playing field in reality and in fact you probably owe him two real life hookups because the fantasy is probably so hot it counts as two yeah doesn't get hotter than being like i talked to my boyfriend he said it was

okay and then as the steam is rising up behind the guy, it's like he just wants to join. And then there's like a three-way kiss. Okay. That's a porno. Have you taken a public shower recently? I feel like that's something I haven't experienced since I don't even know when. I never took one in high school. I never took one in high school or college. When I've taken public showers, they've been in bathhouses somewhere.

I feel like that happened in Iceland or something. But you're still in a bathing suit, right? No, I showered naked in there. Everyone else was in a bathing suit. It was very out in the open. It was like that place where you sort of like rinse off your feet. Yeah, before jumping into the pool, yeah. Yeah.

You got butt naked just to sort of like shoo some sand off your ankles. Yeah. You shouldn't have done that. I've showered in locker rooms that were open showers since like college,

but never when I was a student. Yeah. And did you used to wear flip flops to the sandals to the, or flip flops to the showers in college? Yeah. Yeah. I had the shower flip flops. I had the shower caddy. I had the, the time. No, actually I had a bathrobe. Yeah. I had a bathrobe in college. That was cool. That's really nice. That was cool. I earned respect. You had co-ed bathrooms in college.

Jesus. So I would go to shower a scrawny 17 and a half year old, and then there would be a lady coming out of the bathroom. It was a little too progressive for my liking. Wow. That's a lot. That's crazy. Imagine taking a dump

next to another hallmate who's taking a shower that's yeah the system that they had in place i don't just knowing what i did in the bathroom in college i don't think oh i i fucking can only guess the amount of fucking spum that went down they probably had to like pump the pipes every day between you and Ken and anyone else in that. Can you imagine the damage you guys did to that pipes? We all masturbated in our rooms like normal freshmen. You came clean after all. All right, let's take another break, answer some more questions after these messages.

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Jake has downed a quick espresso just to get the juices flowing pre-act. Had to do that. It was tempered with Jack Daniels, so it was a pure caffeine. Everybody keeping score. Have you been able to find the replacement for that dark cocoa almond foam latte thing that you got into at Starbucks? Unfortunately, yes, briefly. The good news is that I think I went long enough without having it that I don't crave it anymore

the way I used to. I don't ask, I don't want it at all anymore. But we did find a way to jerry-rig it because they added the mocha sauce back onto the menu. So you could just basically build it. It was like a cold brew with four pumps of the mocha sauce. Chocolate syrup. Yeah.

And it turned out you really didn't need the foam, which was part of the drink. It was like the almond foam. It just gave it like a really chocolatey. It made it beautiful, but it was all about the sauce. And you didn't need the foam. It was just almond milk, chocolate sauce, cold brew. And that's all you needed.

And now what are you doing? And now I just do cold brew. Even on the weekends. Yeah, even on the weekends when I used to treat myself to a sugary coffee. I lost the taste for it. I don't crave it anymore wow yeah i've had i accidentally had regular cold brew last week and it was um disgusting it was like salty you know i couldn't i couldn't even have a sip of it and it was vanilla flavored not sweet enough for me what do you so what do you usually put in your coffee oat milk and that's it but so it's

oat milk that makes it like less coffee and more creamy and it's probably a little sweeter enough oh but you don't add any extra sugar no if anything like at most i'll like do a shot of the strawberry quick like this uh okay syrup and then two two little um if not protein but um like hershey's cookies and cream powder so not protein yeah not protein at all yeah not whey but like it's like it's like this it's hershey powder you said it's it's that's yeah it's like it like makes everything taste like oreos and then i'm also eating oreos with every bite so it gets sweet god your teeth are so hard to do yeah they've gotten smaller they're so tiny they look like browning you look like gollum i am starting to sort of not shrink but shrivel yeah you're

sneagling yourself yeah i'm getting rounder, compact, wet, and bony, if that makes sense. Yeah, your eyes are growing. Okay, here's a question about becoming Instagram unofficial from a lady who will call... Who's like a woman that uses Instagram? One of the, like Kylie Jenenner or something that's good yeah nobody else does but kylie yeah uh i'm a 23 year old female from portland nice here's my dilemma i've been with my boyfriend for over a year and he has yet to post a picture of me on instagram logically i know this doesn't matter but yet i can't seem to let it go i haven't brought it up

to him for fear of sounding insane also while there while there's no pictures of me, there is a picture of a happy birthday shout out to his ex-girlfriend that he posted five years ago. I can't put my finger on why this bugs me, but it does. Do I have a right to be bothered by this? Is there a threshold of time after which it's not weird to be Instagram official? Should I bring this up to my boyfriend? I would love to know your opinions on this. You guys are the best best it feels like if she is noticing something from five years ago like his feed must be very inactive unless she scrolled a long time like i i feel like the way you would feel about this has to be directly proportional to how active he is on instagram yeah do you delete old photos on instagram no i mean because at this point we've had instagram for like 10 years, it seems like.

Yeah, I have definitely. So there's photos of you with exes and stuff on there, right? Yeah, for sure. There's exes on my Instagram. Yeah. I call it Extagram because it's basically the entire thing is a love letter to all of my other girlfriends. And I leave that shit up there in case they ever want to get back together which i'm desperately waiting for so candid and sad to hear you should have been more ashamed of that like it's awesome that you know that about yourself but like weird that you're also not

self-aware enough to know that you shouldn't say that shit out shocking candor is what i'm known for no it's not really yeah shocking you think you're a shock jock i don't think so i don't think i'm a shock jock but i think my candor is shocking i think uh yeah i guess it's it's just it's a lot of effort to go back and start deleting photos on instagram though i guess well i mean yeah she would be asking about one specific oh yeah like if there was a button that says only keep my last 50 photos up and delete everything else i would press it instantly really yeah i don't need old like nine-year-old grainy photos of me and other lovers slash friends who have since most of my friends are dead anyway yeah so that's a good reason to leave it up i mean lovers is one thing i like that

instagram is like um it's almost like a little diary that i have because i never posted on it that much so there's only a couple hundred photos probably and it's yeah it's like it's nice to have that track record because i feel like everything else that like, it's nice to have that track record. Cause I feel like everything else that I like, we both used to have blogs. Those are long gone. Um, Twitter is littered with retweets and promotion. Instagram is a little bit, but you know, it's pretty pure. And I like that about it. So if somebody asks you to delete old, like if jill's like can you delete old photos of your girlfriends would you be like yeah sure i don't care would you be like why do you care or would you just laugh and say don't worry about it or don't worry about it babe i if she jill just

wouldn't do that but if she did i feel like it at this point it'd be kind of hard like if when we had just started dating she said she asked me to i think i definitely would but i feel like after being married for a couple years it's almost it's almost weird i would be like that doesn't matter but it's nice to know like there was a time in my life when i had um i don't know yeah i can't tell i guess i would delete it you whipped you're absolutely whipped for that and now you have to delete the photos and now you have to delete the photos let's do it now one at a time and you what about you i mean i guess i would do it because i'd rather just do it than talk about it. And if something bothers somebody, then I'm like, fine, I don't care enough to hash it out. What am I going to do?

Go and try to convince her that it doesn't bother her? Yeah, it's weird to ask, but it's weirder to defend. That's kind of where it nets out. But I do think that it's not that bad to have them. Yeah. It's just not a hill that I would die on. Not posting any photos? Is that weird?

I think it depends how many photos he, like how often he posts. I'm sure that he's not doing it like intentionally. It sounds like he just doesn't post a lot. But what I would do probably is post photos of him on my Instagram. So then it's kind of like, this is a thing that we partake in.

And then eventually he'll feel like, oh, I haven't posted, even though you've done it for me. So then he will. But I would probably not say anything because then it turns into something that should be fun, like sharing your love into a point of contention.

So I would personally resist the urge to bring it up yeah or you can like post a photo of him but like cover him with an emoji of like a duty head or like this guy won't fucking see that we're official official on insta that's tagged a lover that's fucked you like for that similar reasoning or something like that so you're trying to shame him in a viral way yeah okay so she wants she's worried if she should even bring it up to her boyfriend but you are convincing her to go viral public yeah like a flash mob style jaiho song and dance number at a mall and the end result is basically this unveiling of a photo of you that he needs to post. Like, almost like a Speed 2 situation or a bus will explode or something like that.

What? Like, he has to post a photo today. Speed 2 was on a cruise ship. Speed 1 was a bus was going to explode. Get your fucking... Get your shit together. Okay? Because Speed 2...

Don't point at you with a pen. Don't point at me with a pen. You're not auditing me. Okay. You don't have that authority. We each want something from each other. What do I want from you? You want me to drop drop the pen you probably want me to stop talking to you in this i want you to drop it in general yeah just fucking i want you to get your fucking story straight i want you to

okay so it's a speed one style speed it's that one's just called speed because they didn't know there was gonna they didn't know it was gonna be a runaway success when they made speed yeah um sorry sorry it's all right it is uh that's a turdy for you but oh my god you were definitely definitely gonna give me that regardless of how this episode i was i really did not want to i fought the urge many times i wanted you to have a clean episode as it were i thought the urge and the urge lost so yeah you get a shit on a plaque for that and you already get the mic, right? The golden mic. I was awarded the golden mic in the beginning by the artists who sung the song.

I believe it was Elliot and Priscilla. Does that ring true? No, it's not. The fact that you don't even know their name has to count against you. Really? Yes. What are their names?

It's Isaac and his girlfriend, Ella. Jesus Christ. Elliot and Priscilla. Really? Yes. What are their names? It's Isaac and his girlfriend Ella. Jesus Christ. Elliot and Priscilla. Nobody's named that. It's been a while. Isaac and Ella. I'm sorry. I appreciate it.

I already thanked them in my speech. I said thank you Isaac and Ella or something along those lines. Or if I didn't say it then I meant to. So sorry. Yeah. And thanks to you guys for listening. If you have your own questions, you can send them on down to if I were you show at gmail.com.

This closing theme song is written by Greg who said, here's another song and probably my worst one. The bar is set low, but I think it's more enjoyable than greg is letting on uh we're also always making uh new videos on our patreon patreon.com slash ja uh this week we not only added a jake and amir watch but also an animated series that we're making called stuck had a new episode as well yes the uh the amazing the incomparable jacob strunk uh edited our um our sketch together animated our sketch um and it's awesome we basically we're writing

these sketches for jacob to animate so it's all new all new just for you it's funny that his name is jacob which is yours and his last name is Strunk which sounds so close to the name of the show Jacob oh yeah that's true it's like when we if we couldn't remember his name that's what like a four-year-old would guess is who's animating it Jacob Stuck that's actually really close yeah that's really good we'll give it to you we should find an animator named amir so that i feel more involved in the process amir funk can do yeah amir strong amir stunk that's what that's what uh my dad used to say to me like when he was describing my in the past tense to my mom yeah how was amir today at the basketball game right you say amir Amir stunk. Amir stunk. Wow.

God, that's dark. Right in front of my ass, too. Yeah. Oh, my old man used to just fucking razz me. Talk about shocking candor. Welcome to, if I were you, I'm shocked. This is candor. Shock and candor.

In the morning. All right. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon enough. Probably this candor in the morning. All right. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon enough. Probably this time next week. Yeah. Enjoy.

Ciao. Peace. Peace. I saw you walk in the room and I tried my best not to freak and scream from excitement I smell the cheese and it's obvious I'm gonna seize it, so please check up our wits I can't, I can't, I can't solve all the questions that I have in my mind and soul I know And then, and then, and then I get dumped by a diamond, I climb while online and it's not China Amir left the zoo early Jeff is the new CEO

You want me to forget you? Okay, if I were you I would so date me, baby Yeah, if I were you You'd want me so badly To say I'm proud of you Amir is not a chipmunk, he's mi daddy, ooh I've wasted so much time waiting around for my answers all my life

My emails I've done right for years and all you've done is give me laughs and sneers Amir'd be better off alone, Leave all his turdies on your throat Jake your anxiety That you will leave a legacy Amir has always loved you Why won't you accept him as your equal? You want me to forget you? Okay, if I were you I would get a new friend

Maybe Ben or Thomas who have always been amazing. And if I were you, I would see you later. Goodbye from this coy Jew. Hey you, tell me why you do the things that make me love you. It's an endless joy to listen and support both of you I hope to meet you one day and I'll say thank you You changed my life forever. You want me to forget you Okay, if I were you I would send an email right now to if I were you. They may never read it,

but that's okay too. I'll always be your day one. This is if I were you. That was a Hiddem Original.