Segments - 494: Accent Coach

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

In this episode we discuss growing your hair, playing tennis, and opening marriages.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. If I were you, sure The best podcast around Yeah, the best podcast around Well, you can't forget about

We're all They got quite a few podcasts too But back to If I were you Yeah, well you can't forget your mom's house Stop Don't Don't go but back to if i were you yeah well you can't forget your mom's house stop don't go right now yo these are funny shows you've got trains A ragged flag and half-maps. These are all funnier podcasts.

Ass. We were trolled. We were trolled in the intro. Yeah, that was an amazing song, but he was just sort of listing off other podcasts that are funnier than ours. Right, which hurt a little bit. Yeah, but he was also a good singer,

so it was nice to at least be acknowledged by him. At least he was talented about it. This song was actually submitted two years ago, so I'm hoping we didn't use it. Did it sound familiar to you? No, but if you played a song from last month, it probably wouldn't have sounded familiar to me either. That's right.

We'll find out. So that was by Taylor Van Cleave, who says he's 19 years old and on the latest season of American Idol. Nice. Wait, like he's on it as if he's like, he's watching it. Like he's up to that one.

Like he's just enjoying it. I'm on episode six of American Idol. So don't spoil it for me. If you know what happens in episode seven. I can't sing for shit, so I'm not actually on the show, but I'm pretty interested in who wins this year. So if he's on American Idol two years ago, we could find out how he did, right?

Yeah, it's Taylor Van Cleave, and his Instagram is taylor van cleave official so yeah let's see there's got to be like a american idol wiki out there i can't believe that show is still on it was the most popular thing like 20 years ago and it's still chugging along. Did you used to watch it? Look, he's not on the Wikipedia for the show. But wait, that might be for season 19. This might be a season 17 or 18 guy.

Yeah, it's going to be tough. It's going to be tough for me to find Taylor Van Cleave. And it's not because American Idol is not huge and he's not famous. It's just like there was so many of them. Yeah. that I don't... Did you used to watch this show when it first came out and it was the biggest deal possible? Do you remember watching with your family and or your friends? Yeah, I remember watching with... I watched with the family. I voted.

No, I didn't vote. But I was invested. I campaigned for Clay Aiken. I knocked on doors for Ruben Studdard and Justin Guarini. I cared who won the first, I think maybe up to three seasons. Like I gave a shit about number one, two. And then there was, was one of the guys named Taylor Hicks? Did he win?

Yeah. There was like a gray-haired man named Taylor Hicks. It had to have been early on. Right. What year? That was when I stopped caring. When Taylor Hicks won, I peaked in high school. Yeah, Taylor Hicks won in 2006.

Hicks won in 2006. Hicks won in 2006. Borini won in 2003-ney. He was at 29 years old, a silver fox, became the oldest contestant to win American Idol. And also there were 200 million people watching worldwide. My God. Jesus Christ. were 200 million people watching worldwide my god jesus christ imagine that a television show that 200 million people just to see a a star a star was and where is he now he's not fucking he's not even the top result when i type taylor hi into google that accolade belongs to Taylor Hill, who's somebody else that I don't know.

It belongs to Taysom Hill, the quarterback for the New Orleans Saints. Yeah, these people are supposed to be, were like the biggest music deals for a week. How did that not, you know, propel them into superstardom? I mean, at a certain point, the show just became about, like, you were famous during the show. It's like, I watched your season of the show, you won, and now we move on. It's like watching an episode of Jeopardy or something. Right. But Kelly Clarkson really, she won the lottery. She's still famous. She has, like, a talk show, doesn't she?

Taylor Hicks has 54,000 Twitter followers. 54,000? That's nothing. Yeah. It's nothing. Did Kelly Clarkson win the first time? I think she won the first season. Wow, yeah.

And she's still famous, right? She has a talk show. Yeah. She's still got it. She's behind these hazel eyes. She had fucking jams after the fact, you know? That's cool. She made popular music after the show.

I can't think of anybody else that did that. Unless... Did Drake win season six? No. We just went over this. Hicks won season six? No. We just went over this. Hicks won season six. Hicks won six. Drizzy came in fifth-y.

And in 23rd-zizzy. There probably are people that were on this show that got famous afterwards that we don't know about. Because they didn't necessarily break through because of american idol but they're famous in their own right post does that make sense yeah it takes talent to get there right and to be through to hollywood it for sure takes talent okay can you guess who the the like when we were watching it was sim Simon, the surly British guy, Randy Jackson, that's a no from me dog, and Paula Abdul, right? Yeah, she was positive, a little kooky. Do you think any of them are still the hosts?

I actually think I know the answer to this question. Okay, let's hear it because i believe it made news this year that all three of them are back for the first time hosting season 19 wow hot damn am i right uh what i can see maybe they're coming back next year because according to this article that i just found the judges were Lionel Richie, Katy Perry, and Luke Bryan. So maybe they didn't do well. Nothing we've said so far matters, but that one especially doesn't matter. Look, we've gotten so far away from everything. Who is Luke Bryan?

I'm looking at a photo of him and I still don't know. He's a country music star. There you go. So he's insanely famous. Country music stars I know absolutely jack shit about. Yeah. This guy could be the number one country music star in the world. And might be.

And we just have no idea. He likely is. Yeah. All right. So shout out to taylor van cleave slash taylor hicks all the way down to luke brian for submitting that theme song for this the if i were you podcast the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us i'm amir i am jake um we got one question about post-pandemic hairstyle

that I feel like you're perfectly equipped to answer because he sent us photos and his hair is almost identical to yours. It's like you guys both started and ended at the same exact length. He's got a nice flow. Yeah, he's got the Trevor Lawrence locks. He could be a quarterback. Who'srence oh oh yeah yeah he does have the trevor lawrence locks for sure he's the uh number

one draft pick out of clemson yeah but as soon as you said long-haired quarterback i like it got i got him he came so here's this guy's immediately went to my head we'll call this guy trevor lawrence because he's a single 24 year old man emerging from the strict confines of pandemic lockdown, and his devotion to protecting his humanity has left me unkempt. My most recent haircut took place in February of 2020. Is that the same as you? I believe I got my haircut maybe in February, maybe in March. It was pretty late.

It was right before lockdown, so it was well-timed. Okay, and then, while I was never particularly impressed by my hair, it's straight and red, I feel as though I have a blank canvas to work with given the length of my locks. So what hairstyle should a ginger bachelor like me get

that will grab positive attention? Jake, you've pulled off many a stylish cut. That of Aladdin from Jafar. Is there hope for me? See attached pics. And then the pics are indeed very long, straight, reddish, strawberry-ish, blondish hair. Really similar to my hair coloring and length.

It's a little longer, and it's completely straight, whereas I've got some waves um yeah so i do feel like i'm a cousin yeah definitely definitely yeah similar eyes and nose too jesus this guy one of the washington state herwitzes i think yeah exactly he's got that west coast energy yeah uh okay so what's your plan and what should this guy's plan be i mean you can't grow it forever my plan is to grow it either down to my ass crack or until i wake up and jill has cut it while i've been sleeping which i feel like it's possible like she's nearing a breaking point for sure oh already yeah because you're a year and a half in, and it's about a foot long. And in your mind, the end goal is like, what, three years away? Because it has to grow for another

two, three feet. I think I would ideally like to cut my hair, I don't know, around the holidays or something. I want to have a long hair. I want to have a long hair summer. I definitely want to have a long hair summer. I worked for this. I hair summer i definitely want to have a long hair summer i worked for this i waited for this i asked god for this i prayed for this and it's been on a silver platter and a silver in the form of a pandemic actually it's like i fucking willed this into existence this was the best year of my life. God knew that I needed to hibernate inside because I didn't have the huevos. I was too vain to go outside with that mid-length hair, that awkward phase. Yeah, I don't even remember. I really don't remember what last summer was at all, just in terms of a pandemic that's all just blending into one month. But I really don't

remember what we looked like in September of last year last year like nine months ago i look at photos and i'm like oh my god my hair is so short but i remember at the time i was like my hair is getting long so yeah it was like it's all relative baby yeah i had bangs in the summer she bangs she bangs that was another american idol remember did ricky martin win oh yeah wait what was his name william hung She bangs. That was another American Idol. Remember William Hung? Did Ricky Martin win? Wait, what was his name? William Hung. Yeah, oh yeah, William Hung. He went to my college while I was there. And he was, you could get, American Idol was so famous that you could get famous from being bad on it also.

You didn't have to be good. You could be so bad that you become William Hung. He was just sweet, so everyone loved him. And then we would see him on campus. A nice monotone guy that wanted to try it out for American Idol. Where's William Hung right now? That's what I have to ask. Let's find out if he has more Twitter followers than Taylor Hicks.

That's what I need to know. And then I'll give this guy hair advice. Yeah. William Hung on Instagram. Wow. This is perfect. Oh, this is great. Good news.

He's a life and confidence coach. And a pro poker player. Yes. That's awesome. William Hung Official has 211 followers. Whoa. 200. Wait.

No, I'm just joking. He has 4,200 followers. Oh, okay. I thought it was 211,000. Oh, no, no, no. Okay no no okay so i mean two unimpressive numbers and you better fucking believe he's on cameo that's awesome we could do how much you think it would be um to get him to sing she bangs william hung cameo uh i could tell you exactly how much it would cost 30 30 dollars that's pretty good she bangs she bangs oh baby when she moves she moves i go crazy yeah we can give them like a

uh if i were you theme song to perform that's awesome cool i'm happy for for uh william hung okay so for this guy yeah what does this guy do oh i was thinking that uh how like we look at photos of like the 60s and everyone had a crew cut and then in the 70s everyone had long hair like that was the sign of the times i think like in like 20 30 years we'll be able to focus and like notice exactly when the pandemic was because everyone before it will have short haircuts and then everyone after it will have long haircuts it'll like define what the pandemic was i like read an article about like for like men's hairstyles for this summer and it's a lot of exactly what i'm doing now just like long swept back hair just like guys that

didn't get haircuts and let their hair grow and are now kind of like into it yeah there's gonna be a lot of us this summer a lot of i've seen it on a lot of my friends as well yeah see it on my brother this guy cannot grow a beard it seems though so there's a little difference yeah i mean i i think i would debut the long hair, be part of the grand reopening with the flow. Pony? I liked the way his hair looked down. I think he could test out something like a low pony instead of a high pony.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Not a man bun or anything like that. So not like high and tight, not like pulled back, but yeah, just sort of like behind the ears, but like gathered into a low pony like matthew mcconaughey in um true detective that style yeah greasy underneath like his neck being sweaty and it sort of makes his hair nine cans of bud light crushed up around you and torn apart into little dolls what was the name of that evil guy in that uh season where he's like and then that's when i met and it was like this very evil name do you remember rusty larue or

something oh yeah um dusty isn't it like reggie reggie ladue yeah reggie ladue that was a great season of television and a great time in our lives that was the that was the year we moved 2014 it was uh when we moved to la right i remember watching it in the mickle house oh yeah um all right so true detective um style matthew mcconaughey level the other another one is um the kid from i think it's not vikings it's oh last kingdom uh the ragnar ragnarsson look which is like what is that um it's super long on top and basically buzzed on the sides pulled back into a pony whoa it's really intense it's like a viking i mean like get a you could get a viking haircut if you just google viking haircut you will see what i'm talking about yeah that's don't you have to be big to be you never see like a scrawny pale viking like the are you calling

this guy scrawny and pale no but because you also said he looked like me you said he looked like a cousin of mine and then you said you never see a scrawny and pale viking i'm just wondering what you meant i guess when when i think of vikings i think of like with that train with that train but i'm curious what you're answering you yeah i know you're answering but i want you to slow down and i want you to tread lightly i want you to tread lightly uh when want you to tread lightly. Go ahead. When I think of Vikings, they're always like six, like linebackers, like six foot six, 240 pounds. Big, strong. You never see like short, like I can't imagine that there's a Viking my height.

That doesn't really jive with my mental definition of what a Viking is. In terms of him looking like me and this advice like is it connected are you calling me finn is what i'm asking um i wasn't but now i kind of do just because it seems like now i kind of reggie ladue don't you nice reggie ladoux i gotta watch that show again yeah been too long i'm more of a true detective season three fan that's when the show really even named who was in it in season three no they they they botched two so much that i stopped watching and then stopped didn't even watch three entirely i remember the season two was so bad that i was like i will watch season three if i hear it's good i wasn't like i didn't i wasn't gonna watch it myself but i didn't check

out i was like i'll i'll wait and hear what they say yeah and i didn't hear good things yeah so i'm out well it was like a complete anthology right like season two was like completely different actors characters and stories so it's like oh it has nothing to do with season one. All right, let's take a break. Thanks to some sponsors. Answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments.

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Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio. The greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? I actually don't, but I'm curious because I think you do. Yeah, mine is more what I've been doing this pandemic. And now it's starting to bleed out of the pandemic, which is playing tennis again. I've been playing tennis with Amir Cohen once a week. Wow. When did you start?

I think we started almost a year ago. Not quite at the way beginning of the pandemic, but sometime last summer because I was like, oh, way to get exercise distanced outdoors. You can potentially wear a mask if necessary. And then we've been keeping it up every week. And it's fun to have like a standing appointment. So like every Tuesday at 9 a.m., we make a reservation to play tennis, play tennis. We even took two tennis lessons. His wife, shout out to Jenna, gave him two tennis lessons for Father's Day.

So I just tagged along and we took tennis lessons. And now we're just continuing to play. What's your relationship with tennis as you, you know, from when you were a boy? Like how long have you been playing? I took lessons as a kid. So I wasn't starting from scratch. Like, I remember going to, like, tennis camps and, like, when I was 10 and stuff like that. But I was never very good. And then I just stopped playing entirely in high school all the way up until, like, I would play, like, sporadically in New York, but not really anything consistent. And then in LA, you could play 12

months out of the year.'s no like there's no season where you can't play tennis so i've just been playing tennis since i've been back interesting because i i also played tennis this weekend i'm aware i'm a tennis fan i went home to connecticut to visit my parents for father's day and there's courts like in connecticut they're just they're everywhere yeah every intersection is technically a tennis court in Connecticut. Yeah. It has to be by law. But we just played high school.

Oh, wow. So you used to play like semi-competitive high school tennis. I technically played college tennis. So that means you're pretty good, right? Like you weren't bad. You can't be as bad as me and play college tennis, I don't think. I was the worst or second to worst player on the team at college. So I was good enough for that.

But I don't think I won a match. And I was pretty bad. Do you think you're better than me right now. I have been playing once a week for a year. You played in college, but not really since. No, I'm not.

Cause I, I've played over the, like the last two summers. I like, we'll fuck around and I'll play with my brother. Like, I think I've played in the last year. I've probably played tennis,

like maybe half a dozen times um actually maybe last summer you know maybe 10 times but whatever i'm and i'm like there's some things that are hard wired in my brain like i think i could ace you a couple times oh you're a good server really and it hasn't gone away and i was always a good server and i just like whatever it was when i was a kid i like got that motion down and it i haven't forgotten it but sometimes when i'm like waiting for the ball to come to my forehand i have some kind of like weird twitch and i forget how to hit it for a second and i'll just absolutely shank it straight up so playing tennis for me is really

weird because it's like sometimes i can go on autopilot and like you know hit a few volleys and ground strokes and it like all feels right but then just like in one moment i totally forget what i'm doing so i think you would beat me because you've been playing more consistently but i think i'd surprise you a couple times. This would be a great video. We've never played tennis together, I don't think. That's the weirdest thing, too, because you and I, we do everything together. And two people growing up on opposite coasts

that have basically everything in common, including a sport that we grew up playing, but we never ever played it that's we gotta play tennis for ten thousand dollars on video and we'll be live in the middle of the country meet me in lebanon kansas in july yeah do you think how accurate is your serve i think i've gotten better how accurate is your serve um like think I've gotten better. How accurate is your serve? You're talking about your awesome serves. Are those first serves going in 50% of the time or less?

Oh, wow. I think, honestly, right now, probably less than 50% of the time. Okay, that's good. That's a good start for me. Yeah, 25% of the time. Like I think I can, in a game I can win two points off of my serve. And then how, it's not enough.

And how's your second serve? Are you getting it in most of the time? Just slower? Yeah. My second serve absolutely sucks, but like I have, um, it's,

I'm too scared of double faulting. So I'll just dink that second serve over yeah and then it's a layup yeah any return is going to be good right and i mean it's also like i don't think i'm playing with it so far i haven't been playing with anybody that's so good that i can't just dink my serve no one's putting it away i'm not not getting joked with it. I've got a serve and volley game. I play a Sampras style, 90s style play. What's yours? Yeah, I like to stay in the back, sort of ease you over to one side of the court, and then I'll use my inside out forehand, maybe a topspin or a backslice backhand to sort of lure you in and out one arm backhand or is it two-handed it's a two-handed backhand unless i'm slicing it then i'll do that semi volley sort of cut down the ball depending on where you are on the court yeah and i'm just

gonna try to work yeah one second i'm trying to like work you to the net yeah tell me one second we're having a one second if you approach the net don't tell me one second i will lob i have enough tops you'll lob that over you think you have you think you can hit me with the top spin law you don't know you don't know the reach i have you don't know the reach i have people try to lob me people don't they try to lob me i'll pick that shit out of the sky don't you worry about that and i'll hammer it home straight at your feet too right down your throat i've never been aced or had a winner against me i'm like a brick wall back there diving for shit i will break my fucking sternum i've gone through a brick wall okay i've gone through a brick wall before

how's your grunting my grunt it's bad but i i will when i played my brother last week i hit a drop shot and then i started giggling like a little gnome and that made him laugh so that was good how's micah how's micah tennis he's good we had a really good game he was beating me 4-1 i came back i stormed back i went up 5-4 then he ended up winning 7-5 in a in a tiebreaker that sounds no it didn't get to a tie we didn't get to a tiebreaker it was devastating but it was also insanely hot i think by the end we i was like it was like mercy that i that we didn't go to a tiebreaker it was really hot who wins more you or cohen uh i win but it it helps that his shoulder is kind of injured so you can't really serve it very fast at all so i sort of take advantage of that if you should have any strong stroke uh i am i it used to be backhand but now my forehand

is more accurate i'm pretty good at hitting a topspin forehand. Interesting, yeah. When we were taking lessons, at one point I asked the guy, I'm like, can you serve against us as hard as you can? I just want to see what it's like. Because he grew up playing semi-professional tennis in high school and college, and he got injured, so he just turned into a tennis instructor.

But I'm like i want to see what it's like to like you know stare down a kind of good tennis player like do you remember playing a great tennis player in college i'm sure there were really good ones against you yeah definitely i remember just like getting your your racket on the serve was all you could really hope for just use the force to send it back so he was like depending on where we would stand like ace us to the left or right and then he's like okay i won't ace you this like he could literally like choose where to hit it past us and then he's like i'll try to hit it towards you and then he would like like flat hit it towards us to the point where like we had to

like duck out of the way because it was coming at us so fast it was so scary and funny that's awesome i do remember doing like that being a trick up your sleeve that like you most of the time you're slicing it but if like you feel like someone's standing too far to one side you can just hit it flat straight down the line yeah i can't do that that's that's like next level shit what's your what how often does your first serve go in and And are you hammering it? Sometimes I'll go for the hammer and that's like less than 10%. Like I'm just fucking wildly. I'm like, if this goes in, it'll look awesome. Just throwing up a crowd.

But odds are, yeah. Like it might fly out of the court or just go straight down into the ground. Like that's how non-focused I am. My aim is that off. And then the less power I take yeah how long are your points i would say at most five to seven hits per side okay that that's but that's like the most yeah that's like but you're not like i feel like when when you're bad it's like okay you're either double faulting or if i get it over, you're hitting it into the net.

You know, like the two or three point rallies. That's not fun. But you're getting it over consistently. Yeah. Getting it over consistently. And then if I'm like, you know, I need to win, I'm like not going for any speed or any accuracy. You're just backboarding. Yeah.

I'm just hoping to make the other person make an unforced error. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would hate playing you. We would be playing like ping pong. just backboarding yeah i'm just hoping to get make the other person make an unforced error oh yeah yeah i would hate playing you we would be playing like ping pong that's right long slow shots whereas like i could even if i hit you all the way to the right and then hit you all the way to the left you can you can get there because my pace is so slow because i'm so scared of missing so i'm never going for anything yeah that exciting that's how i play too terrified of missing which which ends up making uh you miss more yeah i guess you're supposed to just hit it as hard as you can and then work work on the accuracy later and i do the opposite i'm like

hitting it as soft as i can and i'm building up the strength right i think that well because like when you're young you're just you're there's a hopper of balls and you're hitting them all over and it's okay. But yeah, when you're like, when we're old and we're playing, it's like, I can't just like wail on these balls cause I'll miss three in a row and we'll have to walk and get them and I'll feel bad. Then we have to go home cause I only brought three balls instead of a fucking basket filled with 300 of them. All right, we'll play tennis next time you're out here

or I'm out there. I'd love that. I'm actually looking into a few mansions with a tennis court to purchase. That's nice. So it's like a tennis court basketball. Did you come into money? Did you come into money somehow?

No, I'm just browsing for now, looking at places that are a little out of my comfort zone. There's this, I meant to send you, an $11 million palace in a gated community in Calabasas. I see that. And I'm still waiting on your notes for like a script. We need you to weigh in on some podcast cuts. This one is really, really nice.

It's $13 million, but I can put in a low ball of $7,400 and see if they bite. Because a lot of these things are priced too high. That wouldn't pay for rent in this place. Yeah, but I really need the tennis court now that I got the itch. So, well, I'm slowly figuring that whole thing out. But, yeah, I do actually... I troll Zillow a lot.

And there was, near my parents house in connecticut just a straight up tennis court for sale no house it was just land that was for sale but the land was improved by having had a tennis court built on it and now it's now it's just land that you so you have to buy you have to build the house but the tennis court is there the tennis court's done though so you're you don't have to worry about that yeah that's an easy thing it's like a slab of concrete in this fucking forest that you bought how about you make the house and i'll deal with the tennis court that's already built the court is all yeah already there's no net you'll have to still install you can't get your own net i have to do everything i wonder if there's a town small enough that i can buy a house with a tennis court

in it definitely definitely also i mean if you go to the right if you move to rural idaho there's going to be free tennis courts everywhere the cities are where it's hard to play tennis like in la you have to reserve a court in new york you have to show up before the sun comes up if you want to if you want to play but like when i played at home it's just yeah you just stroll on it's an unlocked gate what kind of new york do you have that's a good question because i bought a really cheap one on amazon about a year ago and i I never really did any research, and I still am using it, but I should probably upgrade my racket game. It was like a $19 Wilson or something. So before we play, I think I'm going to have to go tennis racket shopping, maybe restring mine, get a shock absorber, and some pro pen balls so that when we do play, I don't have any excuses as to

why I'm not whipping your ass up and down the court and i will be spending top dollar don't forget a shock bag don't forget a shock absorber you don't want to sleep on that shit and i want to get it re-gripped actually so i'm going to get mine re-gripped re-strung shock absorber, Wilson frame, $3.99. And did I mention I have a bag that is shaped like a tennis fucking racket? And inside is a tennis racket.

Inside is one racket and 20 sandwiches, because I can't actually afford any more rackets. I spent it all in the bag. Oh, and my pants, they're Rafa Nadal circa 2005 style capris and i am wearing a muscle t and a headband and i'm gonna beat you lefty vamos blumenfeld vamos and i'll bring a fucking coach and i'm not allowed to look at him or that's illegal all right so stay tuned for

the details of that tennis matchup yes fuck a lot on the line actually might be too much on the line it's ten thousand dollars i know i will buy you which will buy you a tennis court in rural idaho it's just that i put in a few offers um on some really nice estates out here and I need to be as liquid as possible. So I don't know if I can tie any of my free little $10,000 into these matches that you have planned. All right. Let's try to answer another question.

Sorry to hear that. Yeah. Open marriage. I think this is pretty good nice we'll call this guy owen marriage hey y'all i'm owen i'm 27 years old and i've been married for four years lately my wife has been making lots of jokes and comments regarding an open marriage but we've never had a serious conversation about it however we were recently on vacation and i asked her if she would care if i slept with other people and she says i really don't think i would i'm not that

type of girl my question is was that a green light to go for it or do we have to have a formal conversation i love oh i mean you know the casual hypothetical i asked you about i fucking took you up on that offer. What? I have a side piece. I said I didn't think I would care, and now you have a girlfriend. And we have a kid. I have a mistress. I would think you have to have a more formal conversation indeed.

But it seems like the formal conversation is trending in your favor if you want the open marriage. It's a green light to have the conversation, is what this is. Because you can't spring it out of nowhere and be like, hey, we have to have a formal conversation about having an open marriage. But you make the joke, she's receptive, then it's on the table. But this was not, you didn't have the conversation yet. Let's be clear. It turns out it could very easily turn out that like, you know, when the pedals to the metal or when the rubber hits the road

or whatever the phrasing is, she's less into it than you are as you're like joking on vacation, which is kind of a lighthearted, fun vibe. When push comes to shove, you can't just bring home a lady and be like, you don't remember you said, I really don't think I'd mind.

This is Haley. This is, you're making Haley feel uncomfortable. You definitely, I think you really said you didn't think you would mind so here we are um yeah not i would say um i would say you can have the talk if you really really want it but you have to be prepared to you know have your wife also be down to clown with other dudes if necessary. Yeah. It's a two-way street, bro. Actually, if you can just figure out a way to make it a one-way thing,

that way you can sort of... Then it's ideal for you. Be open in a way, which is what I'm sort of dealing with. I caught my lover in flagrante delicto red-handed as it were and she uh i've never heard that phrase before yeah that's how she sort of what was that that was a little it was this italian guy and he was like i don't know throwing some weird terminology at me retroactively he was asking did you say roll yeah what was it it was inflagrante delicto um what is that

it was so fucked up because it got to the point where i felt like i was the bad guy if that makes sense yeah i guess being caught in the act of ron doing in an uh act of sexual misconduct so this guy's fucking moving in basically and i caught him red handed as he was not packing his bags but you caught him bringing it that's not you didn't catch him you didn't catch him i think you wanted to be caught. He was moving in. Yeah. They caught you off guard. Yes. That's what I should have said. Thank you. Do you mind talking to this fucker?

He's like so passionate. In your bedroom? He's in there now. They said, why don't you go record a fucking show? And I'm like, you mean a podcast, honey? So that's what I'm up to. And then you did. And then you did. And then you did it.

Then you texted me and said, can you record now? And here we are. God, you're a pushover. In a way, in a way, in a way. All right, let's take another break. Thank some sponsors and come back with some more cues after these. Nice. Thank you to DraftKings some more cues after these. Nice. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only and we are back hell yeah yeah yeah yeah uh this one is from a lawyer in australia which is kind of cool to think about i didn't realize they have those down there

i thought everyone has laws kind of cool right mate i'll just like you get it sorted mate yeah it's all right yeah i hit you with a car we don't have to get legal involved legalese and all that yeah mate you're all right mate there's no doctors or lawyers here there's just a couple of blokes playing knifey spoony you call call that a lawyer this is a lawyer pulls out patrick rafter all right that's a good question that's a good name for this australian lawyer we'll call him patrick rafter how many times has patrick rafter made an appearance in our podcast it feels like a lot i wonder if we can get him like he's clearly not up to anything right i don't know god he was so hot i wonder if he's on cameo too

is i mean i don't even think he's on social media. That's awesome. Yeah, he is like over 50. Or maybe Google just didn't show me. Yeah, he's not fucking there. There's somebody named Dr. Patrick Rafter, and that's not him. No. And on Instagram, it's just a Patrick Rafter hashtag, man. I mean, my God, how could we even reach out to Rafter?

We'd have to go the atp uh like philip who's bored or something maybe we go in through leighton hewitt or something that way getting at him from the side to fucking leighton hewitt to reach out to rafter i'm talking to bjorn borg's manager can borg put in a good warg mr borg can i have a warg and after we can talk rafter how the hell are you ball hits me in the side of the head michael chang my man how's it going my freshman year college roommate was um a huge tennis player and a michael chang fan and he had a michael chang poster because he was kind of a short tennis player and like michael chang was his inspiration that guy was really good at tennis he would kick both

of our asses shout out to boris definitely oh i thought you're talking about michael chang oh no yeah my roommate i think my roommate was named after boris becker even though he was asian so it was like an asian boris tennis player respect all right we'll call this guy patrick rafter in january of this year i started a new job at a mid-tier firm with various departments and a staff around 25. Over the last six months, I've been plagued by one particular staff member in her 60s in the conveyancing team. I'm in commercial disputes. I don't know what that word is, but okay.

Sure. We don't have to know. Yeah. I inherited my desk phone from a lawyer that worked closely with the conveyancers. So as I understand it, this staff member must be on autopilot dialing my extension out of habit, then realizing the mistake and ending the call before I can pick up. The first time this happened, I answered and we did the awkward routine of joking around. But in the following weeks, it continued to happen every couple days with her clearly

realizing her mistake as soon as she called because she would hang up. It really didn't bother me at the time, but this bitty is legit calling me three to five times a week, six months later. To clarify, it's always just one or two rings. I see her name flash on the phone and then she hangs up while only momentarily it takes me out of the flow of my work and endlessly frustrates me that this old bag can't figure out a simple push of a button half a year later i want to just do my job and get out so i've never confronted her about this to solve my problem i've been considering a more clandestine approach in that i sneak into this colleague's open office space, find

her desk, steal her phone. However, should I just poison her? My uncle's a chemist. I appreciate your coy guidance in my hour of need. Yours faithfully, Patrick frickin' Rafter. Okay, cool. So he wants our permission to poison his colleague. Yeah, but keep in mind he's an Australian.

Yeah, he's an Australian lawyer, so whatever. So he can get himself out of it. Yeah, he can figure it out, sort it out, mate. Push stiff upper lip and all that, yeah? That reminds me of the animated thing we did for Stuck. Everyone should check it out if they haven't already. Yeah, you can hear my voice work in our animated series on our Patreon. I'm sort of a polyglot in terms of accent.

I'm actually an accent coach, if you can believe it. No, we'll sit on an accent couch. You mixed two accents just now, like the British and the Australian. It's a stiff up and all that with the Australian. Right. But show me Russian. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, sir.

Okay. That was started out kind of Russian. It ended, I think. Can I interest you in a salmon? I didn't even give you an accent to portray. You just, were you still doing Russian or were you off? I was doing like a Swedish, yeah. Alaska, like I moved to Sweden from Alaska.

From Alaska. Can I interest you in a salmon? If you mix up the dialect that much, then yeah, it's almost meaningless, right? So let's just do straightforward Swedish. Ja. You have to say more than that. You can't just be like, ja. Ja, ja, ja, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Thank you, thank you. I'm from there. Okay, Brazil. Oh, welcome, baby. What? Welcome, welcome, welcome. You can't even think of something that they might say in Brazil. You say, welcome, welcome, baby.

Welcome to my home. Do one close to home. Boston accent. I'm from Boston, baby. Yeah. And I'm from outside Mass. You're putting me on the spot, and it's like starting to... Now I'm overthinking everything.

You said you were a dialect coach, so it's reasonable for me to put you on the spot. Because this is exactly what you do. You coach somebody. But I have to know the character. So don't just say, you're from Boston. You are this person from this place. And then I can sort of help. That'll help me guide the actor, which should be you, by the way.

You're a bartender. Yeah. I don't suck. You're a bartender in Scotland, okay suck you're a bartender in scotland okay and somebody is trying to order a whiskey okay or scotch you know bartender hey um dale here by the way you're the bartender hey what's your name uh okay gah uh i'm visiting from out of town my my name is dale uh pleasure to meet you i guess uh i've just been in and out of... You're spending so much time on Dale.

I'm getting to the fucking scene! We already know you know how to talk in American accent. Yeah. I'm a doctor, you fucking idiot. Can I have a... That's weird scene work. What's it called? What's it called?

Do you see this move, by the way? Can I have a what's it called yeah i see you good work it's scotch okay yeah and then the guy barely talks he's like kind of like one of those like guy richie's so you're not doing the accent right you're not doing it scott i'm trying to get you to do a scottish accent you said you needed a character. I gave you a bartender. Then you went into a fucking weird side character named Dale, who's a doctor, and can't name a fucking drink. I don't even think your scene work was strong as Dale. You couldn't think of a drink, and you tried to use that, but I don't think that was good acting. You can have a whiskey, but you can't have my soul, son.

And I'll tell you why. Because I'm from Scotland and you can go kiss a guy. That was actually really good. That was, um... That was Dale's brother. Who's from Ireland. Raj. Raj. Who's in town. That was the's brother, who's from Ireland. Raj, who's in town.

That was the bartender. He was like... Okay. I was trying to give you a trap door out of the scene, because you were floundering. And you were too dumb to even take that. To even... You just breezed past the exit ramp I gave you, right?

Yeah. And now you're still trapped. I don't need an exit ramp, lad. All I need is a pair of Killian's Irish bowling shoes. let's fucking let's get out of here man this is clearly not you're going through some shit regardless of how bad my house was i've had a great day you hung me out to dry baby no i didn't give you so many leaping off points. You sucked. Killian's Irish bowling shoes? I can't do Scottish.

I can do Hebrew, and I can do English. It's two accents then, so you're not a coach. Not accents. Languages. Languages. You said you were an accent coach shalom shalom i wouldn't have challenged you on that i knew that you could speak hebrew thank you thank you all right let's call it it we'll call it even then

so you got one thing wrong and i got the other okay this guy should just seen that's right this guy can go to work go to your office and ask for a new phone say you want a new number say people are calling looking for the old person and you need a new number and you don't have to throw this lady under the bus you say i need a new phone and if they won't give you a new phone then you need a new desk how many people did he say worked at this company? It was like 40-something? Yeah, 60s. 25.

Oh, 25. Okay, that's enough people that you could reasonably ask for a new desk or a new phone if you need to. Yeah, or you can block a number. How hard can that be? That happens all the time on my cell. Boom, get a spam call. Block it. Boom, mom calling.

But this is a desk phone, right? Yeah, a desk phone well if you can block it that would be great but i wonder if you really can in australia i think you could probably do anything they have like all that kind of shit sorted out because um they all got it sorted mate you'd be covered and do anything mate that's right and i think star 69 started in australia as like a fucking sexual joke it's like star 69 remember you call that to get your the person who just called you that was a really big deal and i think it started in australia so really yeah namaste, you're nasty. Figure it out without killing your fucking coworker. End of story.

Oh, and if you look for something to drink, I highly recommend a piece of apple or pear cider right on the other side of the bar. That's how you fucking do it that's still the bartender that was a czech woman asking for a cider because she's in town for a fucking gynecological convention in in from prague and out tomorrow but if you're thinking about scottish you're thinking about talking like this end of story i'm not fucking litigating you don't have to be so... You're being antagonistic about it. You're being defensive.

And it's because you know that you're not good at it, I think. Deep down. Deep down, I think I'm good. The problem is when you go a little past that, I'm starting to realize I might be second-guessing my ass. Follow my ass down the rabbit hole. Yes, exactly. All right.

So that's our show. Thanks for emailing us. Thanks for sending us your questions and your theme songs. The email address for all that jazz is ifireyoushowatgmail.com. Yeah. If you're looking for more videos of us,

watching old Jake and amir episodes um potentially watching other videos like our animated series stuck uh it's all on our patreon patreon.com slash ja damn right uh opening theme song was taylor van cleave if i remember correctly he was sort of trolling us in a way on the day making us seem bad in terms of and that's okay podcasts yeah ultimately we appreciated this closing theme song is by seiji and his song submission um is uh i guess it's an original nothing to plug but please give me a shout out to my friend jack pronounced as it's spelled of course toda perfect so thank you sagey shout out to jack thanks to you guys for listening

and as always we'll be back next week damn right kiss off why don't you and welcome to glasgow you shuffering fool fuck me I'm out stop trying god that was bad I don't even think you can do a regular fucking English accent this is the power you show podcast please kick in the mirror if they sell you a couch

and they sold me a couch and I bought like 10 couches they're supposed to give you advice but it's mostly ass for couches and now I have a hundred couches That was a Hiddem original. This is the E-R-U show at gmail.com. That was a HitGum original. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.