Segments - 495: Too Many Dates

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

In this episode we discuss basketball fans, charming babies, and wearing sunscreen.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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A mirror can be so coy Next to Jake the Game Boy How do I eat ass? Mom, she does listen to me when I tell her to turn it off. Don't even turn it down. There's not a lot left, so let's just turn off the podcast, Mom. Still, you already said you can't have it. I will lick.

I will lick. I lick ass all day. I love that. I love Simon and Garfunkel. A wistful, nostalgic vibe to start the episode. You got married to that song, we should say. The remix, which includes you talking about how much you love to lick ass, was you and your mother's song, actually.

Was it me and my mother's song? Now everybody on the dance floor. Like, you would, I at least would have walked down the aisle to that. But, like, it's not really everyone on the dance floor. She gave you away, yeah. My mom gave me away on the day to a song that tells her to turn it off. This guy, Kyler, said, Jake's mom said her favorite movie is The Graduate, in which April Comes, She Will is featured. I love April Comes, She Will.

That is, it's one of my all-time Simon and Garfunkel songs. It sounds like the title was like a very Yodaoda style um phrasing april comes she will i don't i guess it's about no april come she will april come she will like it's like the spring is gonna come the spring yeah uh not unlike dave matthews uh in satellite where he says winter's Winter's cold spring erases, and the calm away by the storm is chasing. Yeah, everything good needs replacing. Look up, look down, all around again. Not quite sat-a-light. That's, yeah, that song.

That's how that one goes. Anyway, this guy's not as this one sorry yep go ahead that's fine we go marching two by two march is also featured in this song oh wait no it's not because it's yeah no it's it starts with april and i believe it ends with september um spring to summer and then fall yeah fucking months happen and then the winter goes away i fucking get it we don't need another song about you know jesus christ well it's the seasons of life is what it is you obviously don't get it because it's not just about weather it's not just about fucking spring summer or fall all i have to do is you

your old age and death and i'll be there yes you will it is may is there a song about every month all right let's start at the top january uh there's not one about that no there's no feb moving on to feb um a song about you do like a valentine's day type thing like yeah but not really i'm sure there's like a valentine or something okay um marching two by um i don't think so no april that's we got april comes we i don't think we have one oh all right yeah right. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Oh, yeah. There's that Lagwagon song, May 16th. Do you know that one? No, I don't think I do. Yeah, it's a punk rock song.

It's going to be me, but it's going to be May. Me. Oh, yeah. That's good. Name. It's got to be June. Is there a June? I don't think so.

Is there a June song? Not a June one. No June. No June. No, that's a movie. No June. July. Julie. Any songs about julie or july july no songs about julie there might be something about july yankee doodle dandy which is born on the fourth of july which is to august august num there's the joke where you call something smoggist which is like smoggy in august but

that's right song that's just like a poor man until i invented may gray yeah smoggist that's not do you remember that's good and then yeah and wake me up when september ends that's two septembers let's give one to august august wake me up when August ends. Yeah. Yeah, that'll work. And then we got October. October. There's no song that goes October, October. No, but there's She Did the Mash. She did the monster mash. That's a Halloween song.

And Halloween is October. Is there a November song? No. A song that even references November? November's kind of a non-holiday then there's december wake me up when december ends so that's that's good yeah and there's also do you remember january december the seventh is not of december and is there a january song now that we're moving on i think they they're, no, no. No January. What about a Feb?

Feb. Valentine's Day is in Feb. That's true. Is there a will you be mine? Love songs. Yeah, I guess there's songs about love or girls or guys or whatever. March.

43 straight minutes of this. April. We're losing our voices. We still can't think of a song. Okay, that opening theme song was written by Kyler. He's not a singer, but he is a podcaster. He has a history podcast called Death of the Roman Republic. Yeah, I guess there's a lot of similarities between that and America,

so you can check that out he's a huge fan um and he wrote this song i guess he wrote the lyrics five years ago but finally recorded it so shout out to kyler and shout out to death of the roman republic respect thank you wait a minute he's saying that the fall of rome is similar in many ways to the america's not going anywhere we're still number one right well yeah but rome was the goat for a long time i think that's what he's meaning is just that america is peaking not unlike rome peaked back in the day we're not gonna i don't i don't see a world where i surrender my crown as the number one citizen of the number one country in the fucking planet. Why do you think you're the number one citizen?

Because I'm basically the American dream. And I'm living in America. Because I was a complete rags to riches story. You weren't? You were born with a silver spoon in your ass. That's because I was a jaundiced baby, and they thought that it would give me more iron to have a little spoon up my ass in a white light that gave me vitamin R, as in, are you free to hang out with me, nurse?

I hit on a nurse as an infant. As a jaundiced infant with a spoon in your ass, you came on to a nurse. And by the way, for the first time ever, that infant closed. What? No way. Yes. No chance. We went out three times.

Once on the 19th when I was a day, and then two more the following weekend after my bris. I remember that because we shared an amazing kiss outside of this Israeli nightclub. So you didn't just close. You had a courtship. You dated. Yes, me and the nurse that helped the doctor deliver me. As you were less than a week old.

With a fucking disease, by the way. So you're not even a healthy baby. No, I was yellow. You're not closing. I guess she got off to that shit. No way. No chance. I don't think so.

By the way, this doesn't make you a rags to riches story, because it sounds like you started out like really peaking dating an older woman. Yeah. Before you could talk or walk. She was 40. Years your senior. Yeah. I was zero at the time. I was four if not a day and I was a day.

So I was a day. Yeah, I was a four. By the time I reached two, I dated a day. And I was a day. So I was a day. Yeah, I was a four. By the time I reached two, I dated a shoe. I dated an 80-year-old bootnik. Yeah. Anyway. All right. Shout out to Kyler.

Thank you. If I Were You, April come, she will. Yes. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us i'm amir i am jake and um we got some we got some questions i don't know if you know this but people have been emailing us for nary a decade now whoa that's a long time and we finally got a question about michael jordan it's like it took it took almost 10 years, but we got there. We should Game Boy that to see if that's true.

We might have gotten a couple. Yeah, about Michael Jordan. Let's see. Michael. This is sort of a reverse Game Boy. Right. There's six. Six questions.

So pretty, yeah. Not the first one, but. Less than one a year. That's interesting. Yeah. And they were all during the last dance, six questions. So pretty, yeah. Not the first one, but. Less than one a year. That's interesting. Yeah. And they were all during the last dance, I think. All right. Nice.

Well, let's. Did you watch the last dance? I did. I loved the last dance. By the way, speaking of. Yeah, I watched the whole thing. Even Jill loved it. Are you, are you happy today?

Are you having a nice day? Because the Clippers were eliminated from the NBA playoffs last night. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's the highlight of my quarantine. You're glad. Do you think this is better than... This is great for the NBA.

It's great for the city. It's great for me. Is it better? Is this feeling better than when the Lakers won? No, but it's the closest, it's the closest secondary feeling is when your rivals lose yeah yeah especially because they were like doing really well there was like a groundswell of support in la i imagine a lot of your friends giving you shit you right really hoping in your bones that they weren't gonna win and you'd have to like you'd have to play it off like you didn't

care that much right like whatever it's just basketball but inside seething i will say i was happier last year when they blew it this year they like overachieved so they they clipper fans still leave the season with a taste of satisfaction whereas last year they like choked and they were all angry and kawaii was sad and now it's just like yeah i mean k mean, Kawhi was hurt. We got far and nobody thought we'd get this far without Kawhi. So it makes sense. So it softens the joy a little bit,

but I'm still happy they didn't make it to the finals. Yeah. And is Kawhi going anywhere? Like he's going to stick around, right? Probably going to stick around. Though contractually, he can opt out of his contract. He has like a player option, not to get into the nitty gritty of it, but if he wanted to he could leave this year to miami and just sign as a free

agent if he wanted to but odds are he he won't want to yeah okay cool now who do you want to win between the three teams that are left atlanta milwaukee and the east versus the suns uh yeah i would want i think i would prefer milwaukee to win but they also got their best player hurt so odds are they won't even make it now and if they do they probably won't win so i mean i'd be happy with any team left just because it's like such a a random team that was never really a laker rivalry so i'm not like mad if the bucks or hawks or sons win i see all right cool i also i also have this chris paul rookie card that will hopefully go up in value if he wins a championship because that'll make his case it's like you know the fourth best point guard more solid so his value will go up so i have some rooting interest there. I see. Very cool. Yeah. But yeah, happy that the Clippers lost for sure.

Absolutely. LA hashtag our way. Yeah. Good stuff. Okay. Now let's call this guy, Steve Kerr, who played with Michael Jordan. Nice. Hey, guys.

I'm from LA, longtime listener, first time caller, and I'm baller. I recently matched with this girl on Bumble who highlighted in her profile that she played slash was a fan of basketball. Hey now. We got to talking about the Lakers because that was her favorite team. Hell yeah. Soon after,

she asked me what team I support, and I tell her it's the Houston Rockets, to which she responds, hey, MJ played for the Rockets, so that's pretty cool. Dot, dot, dot. What? I don't want to be that guy,

but is this grounds for early termination? To put it plainly, if I had to make a study guide for basketball category Jeopardy questions, this would have been covered on page one. Am I being a diva, or is she just being coy? Big Time Buckets, and Goat Show, and NADDPodFan, would have been covered on page one am i being a diva or is she just being coy uh big time buckets and goat show and nadpod fan and jake congrats on yet another golden mic streak nothing short

of a dynasty when will amir learn that his irreverent and frankly tacky behavior will continue to net him turdies toda love steve kerr. Nice. Cool. Very cool. Thank you, by the way. Yeah, thank you, by the way. Is this grab? I'm just saying. Yes, I know, I know, I know. You gave yourself another fucking award.

Congratulations. Let's not even harp on it. I actually didn't know, I know. You gave yourself another fucking award. Congratulations. Let's not even harp on it. I actually didn't give myself an award. That one was given to me by Steve Kerr. That one was Steve Kerr. Nice. That's pretty cool. Awesome.

Yeah. So anyway, is this grounds for early termination? I don't think early termination. It's unfortunate that the moment has passed because now you can't go back and correct this you know i mean maybe he did maybe he's like no no michael jordan never he wouldn't get it yeah he didn't didn't allow it did you do you know the two teams michael jordan played for or do you only know the bulls um i know i think i know the other one the didn't he play for the magic after the bulls he did not so this is a good example someone

not necessarily is he a part owner of the magic that's actually quite enough didn't he have something to do did he have something to do with the Magic? He played against Magic Johnson. So maybe that's what you're thinking. He didn't have anything to do with the Orlando Magic. He did not. Okay. That's fair. But basically, what I'm saying is casual fans like Jake

don't necessarily know the entire filmography of these players. You don't have to Google it. You absolutely don't have to Google it. I see you typing away. He never had anything to do with the Magic. That of these players. You don't have to Google it. You absolutely don't have to Google it. I see you typing away. He never had anything to do with the magic. That's quite enough. Oh, now I see. Now I see where he went.

Good stuff. Another fantasy team. Instead of the magic, he played for the Wizards. Does he own the Wizards now? He's a part owner of the Charlotte Hornets hornets thank you because he's from north carolina i see uh and you know the rockets did win a championship in the 90s so maybe that's why her brain got all like melded it was like three michael jordan championships two rockets three more michael jordan so like if you're gonna confuse michael jordan playing for one team it would probably be houston they're also red same jersey color as uh the bulls um obviously a basketball fan would

be like how dare you think that michael jordan played for the rockets but i think this is close enough and confusing enough and it happened 30 years ago that it's uh it's not grounds for expulsion or what did he say dismissal i think that's the other thing like she might be a current basketball fan like i'm not a basketball fan but i know more about current basketball than i could possibly know about like 90s and early 2000s basketball you know yeah if you become a fan now you don't like now start learning the history of the game you sort of just like remember what you watched when you started watching yeah that's the those are the things that are locked in your in your brain so she might just be a new fan of basketball yeah although she did say she's a laker fan. So I assume she's been a Laker fan her whole life.

I mean, people from L.A. are truly, they bleed purple and gold. Those are real basketball fans. Any other fans of any other franchise, odds are, moved to L.A. with a vendetta or like a black heart and decided to almost jokingly in a trolling fashion quote root for this cursed franchise that i don't know if you know they've never made it when i liked the clip when i liked when i liked the clippers did you hit the clippers this much no it's all it's a new rivalry for laker fans it's uh it stems from kawaii choosing them over

the lakers and then they had this whole like billboard campaign of like la our way streetlights over spotlights he owns this city this is the real team now we're here wow yeah we own la and then they lost and the lakers won and so like this created this like haha fu rivalry style relationship now i see okay yeah but when the when you like the clippers it was like lob city and the lakers were terrible so we had nothing to hate it was both teams weren't good at the same time right all right cool no further questions so yes uh i don't think this is quote grounds for early termination it's fun you know she's a basketball fan you're a basketball fan enjoy it yeah definitely especially now that she's a laker

fan and you're a rockets fan you're gonna have to start rooting for a winning franchise the rockets are one of the worst teams in the nba with really no no path out of that for the next half decade what happened there because like at one point it was James Harden, Chris Paul, Rockets were like favorites to win the championship. And that was like two years ago. That's right. They traded Chris Paul. What happens?

They traded Chris Paul and two first round draft picks. It's kind of mortgaging their future for Russell Westbrook, who was a terrible fit. Then when they got there, Westbrook and Harden were worse than Chris Paul and James Harden, so much so that they had to trade Westbrook for John Wall, who's like this even worse version of Russell Westbrook. And then James Harden became so disgruntled that he requested to leave, and they traded Harden. So they went from Chris Paul and

James Harden to neither of them, and they got John Wall and a bunch of like pieces that didn't necessarily formulate a basketball team. Then they wanted the number one pick in the draft. So they purposefully sat players and they lost like 38 of their last 40 games. Jesus. And how high up in the draft are they? They got the second pick. So there you have it.

Not even number one. Not quite number one. Not quite number one, but hopefully someone who's half as good as one of the players that left two years ago. But yeah, it happens fast like that. Damn. All right, let's take a break, answer some more questions

on the other side of these messages. Yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades

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because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and not available yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i

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Gross. Yeah, I vaguely, vaguely I do. I want to encourage people this summer to be out and about. How does that sound? Like not shelter in place, lock down, stay at home, continue the quarantine? Well, I guess when you put it like that, I don't really want to go on record in any way. But just what I've been doing more is, you know, like I used to either I'm at work or I'm at home. And if I left, it was to run an errand and to return to my hole. Like I need lunch. I'm going to go out, pick something up, bring it back, eat in front of my computer.

I'm going to get coffee. I like run the errand, bring it right back. And now just with the nicer weather i'm sitting outside i'm sitting in front of the coffee shop i'm taking my lunch break i'm eating outside um and just really nice things have been happening i've like run into two or three different friends in the neighborhood um and i think having run-, seeing people that you love unexpectedly and catching up for a few minutes is just so much for your mental health. It's really nice. That's a very New York thing, too, because everybody is in a condensed area.

I don't know how much I'm running into people if I just, you know, went to Whole Foods and then ate at the table out there. But, I mean, I guess it's in play. It is in play. So many people in your neighborhood go to that whole foods you i ran into people at whole foods just when i was grocery shopping yeah and then even if you don't run into other people you're saying just the sheer fact of being outside getting the sun getting the vitamin d is you know yeah being out and about it's nice. What are you doing with sunscreen? Are you applying liberally, conservatively, or none of the above? I put on sunscreen every morning before I leave the house. I'm putting SPF 60 on the face. Yeah, I need to do that too. I mean, I keep hearing how important it is and that I need to do it. And then I just, it's not part of the routine and I don't think about it. Yeah. I, it's part of my routine now. It hadn't been

before. Um, but I, I've been riding my bike too much. I've been outside too much. It's also insanely hot. You you just I mean you feel your face burning out here so and are you putting it on your hands arms legs um not really I guess I put a little bit on I put it on my face and if there's there's some

leftover I rub the excess on on the arms but that's that has not been a high priority it's more about the face. Is it a moisturizing sunscreen? Are you making sure that it's good, like specifically face sunscreen? The questions are getting a little invasive

about the sunscreen. They're getting... Asked and answered. It's a little much. But if you must know, if you absolutely have to know, it is a moisture... If it's moisturizing, yes but if you must know if you absolutely have to know it is a moisture if it's moisturizing yes yes it is it's a fancy sunscreen and i think that's actually quite enough on the sunscreen is it cereve yes it is okay is it specifically made for your face i was gonna say or is it just sunscreen that's

whatever put it anywhere you want it's just it's face and body the the full kitten caboodle that's really nice and i assume it's not a spray it's a lotion i really think we have to move on because this is getting you're grilling me I feel like I'm getting despite the sunscreen I feel like I'm getting the third degree burn style line of questioning

it's an interrogation and it's not a spray it's a lotion it's a cream I put it in my hands I spread it around my hands and I put it on my face and I put the excess on my face and i put the excess

on my shoulders and on my arms and i feel like you're about to ask another question and i don't think you have to i think you have enough information that's right i do have a two for ears and neck are they getting lubed up i do a ears. I do a little ears and a little back of the neck. And I think now we've covered. In fact, I know. We've literally covered everything. Not everything. Not everything.

Yes, we have. You put it on quickly like you don't like the smell and you're like like one i actually love the smell are you like i'm obsessed with like massaging it in yeah it's a ritual i do slowly massage it i mean not like sensually and slowly like that it's not like it's a suntan lotion commercial but yeah i i like the smell it smells like lemons now we're running out of time. You strike me as someone that's not comfortable with the yite. Like, you're learning how to do it as an adult.

It's not. Like, you're not just, like, uncomfortable, like, doing it like, oh, this has been, like, a whole life practice. You're like, oh, I put too much. Now we're not even asking a question. Now we're not asking a question. You're just, you're trying to tease me. You're trying to tease me for some reason. Is this why you mind me for information?

So you could do this little gimmick? I'm just joking, man. It's funny. It's good. I need to do the same. Yeah, I'm excited that you kind of are speaking to sun care. That's really important. That's a turdy oh my god

i backed off instantly i said what you did was good and then i was ready to move on it seems like you were hell-bent on that award regardless of what i said you wanted me to keep going i didn't and then at that point i guess you had made up your mind. It was too late to turn back. Accept the award. Accept the award and move on. If you want to do a quick thank you speech, feel free. What you did was you made a goof of skin care.

And I don't think that's healthy. I don't think that's good i don't think that's good and i actually think it's tacky i know you do i know you do asshole yeah oh here's a question from a 21 year old who much like you're suggesting is going out almost too much oh interesting let's see why don't we call this guy black jack because he's 21 nice i'm a 21 year old who just graduated college writes blackjack in my younger years i have been known to talk to slash hook up with multiple girls at the same time frame slash friends with benefits and booty calls. It's all good and fun.

But now I'm 21 and I'm starting to take girls on more dates, going out for drinks, barcades, etc. Shout out to the goat show. Nice. My question is this. How many girls is it fine to date at a time? I know it's a pretty broad question that will be different for everyone but i would love your guys's perspective and experience when you went through this phase thanks love the show and i'm curious every week how amir earns his turdy so there you go this time i earned it

because i what asked too many questions about your sunscreen or some shit it doesn't matter like you'll find a way to make it happen basically you find the way to make it happen i just dole out the award when it is earned so congratulations if you want to say thank you if you want to apologize either one is fine with me yeah i don't want to do that i don't of course i don't want to say thank you and i really don't want to say i'm sorry on my own show okay let's just let's just see if we can answer the question without coming to coming to blows

over this for me two is the max two like one is normal and at two it's a stressful situation to add a third in this repertoire rotation that's that's a little too much and it also depends on what phase you're in you know are you full-blown dating somebody because then at that point one feels like the right amount right just chatting texting because then you can juggle a little more all it is is an occasional text yeah or somewhere in between yeah there i mean there's a transition period from when you're like on the apps you're trying to swipe everybody you're trying to meet a lot of new people and chat and set up dates and you have like a week with three dates where you're getting drinks with people that seems normal but yeah you if you are like dating someone then it's a little weirder to be dating someone else yeah it depends on how far

along you are along yeah i think it's a judgment call that you'll probably feel or should feel um you'll i think even even if you don't want to feel it you'll feel it and you'll feel a little guilty and that's kind of how you know yeah it's almost like talking to people is like you know only one out of ten in progression so you can like do that with ten people but like once you get to like the seven out of, you never want to go over 10 out of 10. That's a dangerous overflow. Yeah. And you have to take into account what the expectation of the person you're, or the people that you're dating is.

If you're dating somebody that seems like they're really into you and they're like wanting to see you more and more and go exclusive and make you their boyfriend, then yeah, it's like, you probably shouldn't be dating multiple people at that time. You have to temper someone's expectations. So you have to like kind of be upfront with people if you're going to do that. Yeah. And then once you're like married, like you are, you're definitely not like married to anybody else no way right um i'm not i have a secret family um but my wife in that family left me she has a new man um yeah i'm sorry about that so my secret family has you can meet a new man in new york you can meet a new man yeah so i have a secret i have a secret son secret x secret um x's new guy and then his kids so i have secret

step kids that are really like my kids because of the amount that i have to babysit those kids and then and then of course jill has her flings her side piece her main dude that's not you and then her main i'm not yet i'm more of the secret side piece um and we only really talk these days on her finstagram um fucking convoluted messed up situation that sounds really unhealthy it's gonna blow up it's toxic it's toxic i'll be the first to admit that it's toxic because i fucking no i see her i see her on maine on instagram maine out in maine with tucker with travis with travis's niece with with tucker's nephew yeah they take they take trips with their kids um and their siblings kids and it looks nice so i just have to slide into the dm on the finsta on the low and see what's gucci and it's not always things aren't always gucci when I do that because I can ruin a

vacation by just asking something as innocuous as what's up and that's on me so I have to talk to Sheila my ex who's with her new man um doesn't want to hear from me and I end up hold on and I end up babysitting that's what I'm. Because I have a kid with Sheila. But then she has her new man, as I mentioned, has two kids. How many? Yeah. How many is too many? So for me, I said two is maximum.

Three is too many. You clearly are operating in a different universe. So for you. I have two. But between them, they have three. three four if you count me which jill doesn't sheila also i was gonna say also doesn't doesn't yeah unless you count me as a babysitter because i am watching our son and the two others on the day yeah got it okay so yeah two different options as long as you're being honest and open with everybody um it shouldn't be an issue expectation set that's big yeah you got to expectation set yeah and you don't want to feel overwhelmed

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Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only and we're back um we got a question that's not necessarily in our wheelhouse um but it was written in such a humorous way that i thought it would be funny to read it at least wow all right by all means it's like the opposite inverse of the last question writer who's this lady is a 21 year old female so we'll call her black jacklyn nice black jacklyn writes uh long time listener i'm 21 i'm a gal that gals, and I want your advice on how to get chicks. I've been with a few, and my number is not impressive, but is to be respected. While I realize asking two guys on the internet how to get a girl is odd,

Jake is a pimp and a cool. I'm bi, so lesbians don't really give me the time of day, and when I'm with other bi girls they always top what do i do i want slash need this i like them thicker than a snicker so sure our size difference makes them think they should be on top but they need to know i'm top dog woof I'm vaxxed, waxed, and ready to get some ass. I live in LA, so I thought I'd be drowning in pussy. Again, I'm just reading this. I would never say this crass word out loud.

Yes, you would. She continues, a goldmine, gentlemen. Then again, she says, and I am only reading, I don't mean any of these things, but a thick clit for this wet slit makes me hop into bed in a minute. I suppose my question is, how do I get more girls to sleep with me and let me be on top but be on blast as much as you want but remember to give me advice toda fan for life love black jacklyn and i will say this is the most recent question we got so this is like super topical she emailed yesterday whoa whoa um i love the reference of roast me as much as you want, but don't forget to give advice. I remember that.

You wouldn't need it to remind us. Okay. I mean, first of all, download Orion, right? Yeah. Dating apps are a great way to meet people who do want to date. And the expectations are built into the profile, including on ours. Yeah. I mean, you download Orion, make one of your profiles, one of your profile images, this email that you wrote, I feel like you're gonna you're gonna meet some people that can appreciate your sense of humor at the very least.

Yeah. You put that entire email in your bio and you should be good to go. And just like I said, I think you got to be out and about. If you're vaxxed, if you're feeling ready, then hit the scene. And, I mean, we had spots that we liked to go. Are they still doing Booty LA? They should be. I mean, I don't know if it's fully back yet, but things are starting to reopen.

If indoor sweaty dance clubs are not open then they will be soon yeah um and until then just see what's what's popping like outside in a in a park at events an outdoor rave yeah it's weird to be out there uh in the beginning but it's gonna feel better and better and i think like even pandemic aside it's weird to be out there uh in the beginning but it's gonna feel better and better and i think like even pandemic aside it's always like weird to put yourself out there and uh like get drinks and try to meet new people but once you do you will never ever regret it have you done the indoor sweaty dance club since you've been back since Since New York has been vaxxed? I guess.

I mean, not like sweaty dance club, but that wasn't. I've been to like two crowded bars now. Okay, that's a start. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like a couple actually. Probably like two or three bars where went inside, no mask, order at the counter. Wow. Wait in a line for the bathroom.

Don't give a shit. Classic old school style. Yeah. Yeah. But not sweaty, crowded, can't move, constantly touching, rubbing elbows against people. I mean, near enough to, like, I think it was last week, I was, the bar that I was at was, like, pretty crowded, and some dude was, like, getting past me, and he put his hand on my back, and it was just such an insane, unfamiliar feel. Like, you you know we used to be at a bar it was crowded just like you're constantly just like sort of like lightly brushing people aside to get

through like the idea of a stranger's hand on my back just like brushing past me i was like whoa but then then as it happened i was like oh this is really nice contact smelling somebody else's bo knowing that you're within viral load distance it was great and like also just like not having i feel like even i've been inside at restaurants and stuff like or gone up to the bar to order a drink and take it outside or something um all with a mask but now like the bartenders weren't wearing masks just like standing at the bar waiting for a drink and bartenders not no and nobody's sitting at the bars in a mask and i'm just like uh smiling at people sitting at the bar it's it's really nice it's like damn making human connections again that's it's all part of your unsolicited advice, seeing people again. Do you find yourself drained socially or you're energized by it?

Um, I'm, I think, right. I think I'm energized by it. I like, I get energy from seeing close friends, uh, drain from making small talk and seeing like acquaintances and stuff. But in general, I'm, I'm pretty happy. And the nights are still ending earlier they're ending at like 2 or 2 30 and where they used to be like 4 or 5 so it seems like a nicer yeah 2 30 still feels very late for me yeah well you're gonna get you're gonna come back are

you have you been to a bar? I've been to restaurants. Inside restaurant? Yeah, indoor restaurants that like have drinks. But I haven't been to a bar just to go to a bar. Is that like, is that on the horizon? You think you're going to do that anytime? I don't know. I have no plans to. I have, what I've been going to more often is like people people are anybody born in may june or july is

like oh we're having a birthday party you're coming over we're having a social event so like every weekend it feels like the bar mitzvah circuit again it's like we have a party at 10 and then one at four and then one at 10 yeah that's good shit yeah so that social events are back i haven't been necessarily to a like house parties yes exactly house parties apartment parties all right that's good that's all yeah it's a start all right that's it thanks for questions and theme songs you can send them all down to if i were you show at gmail.com and as always we are um doing weekly videos on our patreon still patreon.com slash ja that's right uh you're coming la soon for the first time in a year and a half we might

be able to record one of these in person yeah i'm about to book my ticket actually july 14th i will be there bastille day uh. Why do you think I'm coming? No. Yeah, I love to celebrate Bastille Day in LA. A-O, A-O, A-O, A-O. Oh, the band Bastille. Yeah. What else?

It's a French holiday about the storming of the Bastille. Yeah, it has nothing to do. The walls come tumbling down in the city yeah bastille day i'll be there in la blasting between from my pickup truck yeah what does that does that mean you're coming you're going to be in la for your birthday because if you're coming on july 14th and i'm going to make you do a mandatory two-week like a hotel quarantine situation yeah that means i won't see you until the 29th and then we might be able to shoot that week which would bring us to august 5th 6th i mean even even seventh even if i were to do that 14 day mandatory uh quarantine which which is not mandatory it's not mandated by anybody except for you and you have no power over me you couldn't make me do that um even if that all happened which it

won't july 29th i would still only stay for a couple days i wouldn't be there on my birthday i'll be spending that with my ex-wife and my son jillian and her side piece and her main dude no i get that um okay so you're not going to need this i got you a hotel uh near the lax sheraton lax right yeah i wouldn't need uh two weeks in an airport motel that you got me. That is a waste of your cash and a waste of my time. Though I can't imagine it's that expensive because nobody wants to stay near LAX. Yeah, that's the daily testing starts getting pretty pricey.

What you did isn't even thoughtful i got you 25 rapid covid tests each one costs 59 from an abbott lab you spent a ton of money i took resources from a school they were testing teachers with these lab they needed that they needed that not me not and i yeah i've been vaccinated holes okay all right yeah that makes sense um how many vaxes just two then how many vaxes did i get yeah the two shots just the two yeah the two shots i'm gonna need you to get that third brick another booster i am not doing anything j and j you need i'm not doing anything you need okay that's not how i live my life by your needs would it be no i guess not

so what i did was I ended up getting all of the above that way I'm every little article that says like Pfizer does this Moderna does that Johnson and Johnson I'm like check check check you also got the AstraZeneca you got the AstraZeneca

yes that's right and I'm eating well I'm eating healthy for that so i'm have natural immunity to boot and did i mention i've gotten covid thrice that's four times that's not bad that's and rice uh all right uh i already said where you can email the opening theme song was that april she come april come she will this closing one is by our old friend don kianian yes uh who made a yugo style song for us oh my god yeah so enjoy this don kianian um rendition of yugo style any word on if i can come back as you go for Not Another D&D Podcast?

Yeah, we were talking about having you on a holiday special. So come Christmas, we'd love to have you back. Well, there's a bunch of holidays coming up. Yeah. A Yugo-themed 4th of July. I think that spacing Yugo out once every other year feels good to me.

Yugo is a lot to be around. Yugo is, sir. I is. Both of you guys. Yeah. All right. I bet. Yeah, bet. Yeah. All right. I'll see you go hit different you go is a

problem you go style you go style you go is rich you go is intuitive and you go is justice i'm a slippery little Ugo. I'm Ugo style. Ugo style. Ugo is rich. Ugo is intuitive. And Ugo is assisting the death of countless others. I'm a slippery little Ugo.

That was a Hiddem Original.