Segments - 496: Impressions

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

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That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. I've fucked up and I've been confused But they can't help you on a five-hour view You won't if I were you Drinks I'd do And the mirrors of hope But they can help you on if I warn you But they can help you on if i hurt you very cool that night that was uh elvis presley parody song that i i didn't write it i didn't record it yeah but I sure as hell inspired it it was by David

Adeyemi Adeyemi so thank you and you're welcome don't ever do an Elvis impression ever again it was unsettling

it was off it was off pudding and it put me in a sour mood. Well, I'm sorry. How far should it go? You ain't nothing but a hound dog. Why did he sing like that? Was that hot to sing at the time in the 50s?

Was he like, did he have a nasal voice? And then when he sang, it he like did he have a nasal voice and then not when he's saying it's like oh it's a little no like he didn't have any talent like he wasn't that's not what i said like yeah he wasn't good at songs or coming up with them or like even having a personality piling on like an identity it was a hard job he was very talented i don't even it was one of the original like now that i think about it he wasn't even that big for the time like he the beatles he was a blip elvis were it was like them and jesus were the three most popular people on earth for a decade so like you can say he wasn't talented which is wrong you could say

he wasn't attractive which is like yeah provably false but do not say that he wasn't famous you know he wasn't popular it was extreme i know who he is but only because you did the impression oh wait i don't think i ever would have you knew elvis before my impression obviously i don't know yeah maybe actually have you heard my elvis uh in line at a drive-thru uh no it's like part of this i did like i did it for montreal just for laughs when it was like uh 2009 or something i did a tape and i didn't get in but it was like yeah so you didn't do it for just well yeah i would say you it was like sorry i didn't get in but it was like yeah so you didn't do it for just well yeah i would say you it was like sorry i don't want to interrupt you in the middle of the impression but you said you did it for jfl i did it to get into jfl i was summarily rejected but i think it

was for my other impressions because this one was very funny let's hear it can i get a six piece on nugs. What? You said he was waiting in the line. You didn't say he was ordering. He's waiting to order, and then he gets to the front, and he's like, can I get some fries and some chicken nuggets on my blue suede shoes? I thought it was going to be like a pun on the song, and yeah, you just did a weird, you did a bad voice. That was a pun. It was a pun. It was? Yes you just did a weird you did a bad voice

it was a pun I said blue suede shoes at the end after I said the impression was bad I don't even think that was in the original tape the original tape was Elvis Presley jerking off at a fucking

Timmy Hortons so it wasn't your other impressions that got you rejected. So it wasn't your other impressions that got you rejected then? So it wasn't the other impressions that got you rejected? Oh, my other ones were worse. My other ones were a lot worse. Charles Manson. It was other celebrities jerking off at a Timmy Hortons. Manson, Jango,

Justin Timberlake. At a Jimmy Johns. Justin Timberlake jerking off at a Dunkin basically people, different celebrities fucking donuts in public saying ah ha ha at the end

for Presley it made sense, for JT nothing, and then a few ones that are so obscure you've never even heard of do you remember AJ Benza AJ Benza, no I aj no it was like this fucking they did like this weird show on e like in the 90s about unsolved in the 90s and you did an impression of him in 2009 and what was he doing jerking off at a quiz no it was like yeah he was jerking off at like closest subway yeah that is really close, then. Although, Chris does

would have made more sense, because at the end he goes, mmm, toasty, but like in an A.J. Benson voice that I'm not going to strain to do for you, because you wouldn't even get who it is. I bet nobody even listens to me. Why don't you do it, right, why don't you just do an impression of him, just so for the few people out there

that listen to this podcast that know who he is, they'll hear this impression, and they'll hear uh this impression and they'll know if it's good and i feel like i could just look into your eyes and know if this is a good impression or not you're putting me on the spot i feel like you wanted this you jumped off like you started this whole entire thing with the elvis presley at the drive-thru. Like, that was... I feel like you wanted to showcase your impressions.

But go ahead, AJ Benza, right? Jerking off at a subway. Yeah, so he's basically like, can I get sweet onion teriyaki? Oh, no cheese! but in a way that's like it was more of like in a that was more like that's

what was written on the page but the way i did it in the audition room had people like in stitches because benza is like a nobody now this is 2021 nobody fucking remembers him it's like asking somebody to remember somebody who was famous nine years ago in 10 years you know what i mean like it's not gonna happen i can't do a carly ray jefferson in 2030 if that makes sense what are you looking up looking up aj benza um And just like looking at his photo, I know that you did a bad impression because your impression essentially was your voice. It was your voice.

Yeah. Mysteries and Scandals was the show. Whatever, right? and scandals was the show um whatever right this is all like non-sequitur doesn't matter unrelated to anything so we might as well move on right um yeah i mean as long as you're ready and you don't have any more impressions of minor to non-existent celebrities orgasming at eateries. Yeah, I think we're ready to move on. Did I say that? I think even if you did have other ones on deck, we would be ready to move on.

And I think no more impressions from you. Yeah, I had like one more, but it was... If you didn't like the Benza, you definitely wouldn't like this guy. I hated the Benza. What's that? So let's see if I even know. Oh, let's say I hated the Benza.

I hated the Benza. Let's see if I even know the guy. Just name the guy. The guy from, oh, my last impression guy. Yeah, of course your last impression guy. Don't act like you didn't know. Like I'm trying to get it

out of you you said i have one more but you probably don't care i said who's the guy and you said oh who my last impression guy like yeah this conversation didn't have to be as long as it is yeah true true that uh it's who's the guy willie ames it's willie ames you don't know who it is i don't know who that is he's kind of yeah he's kind of like a minor celebrity character actor from the 80s he was on charles in charge if you remember he played buddy lembeck he became like this kind of an evangelical christian superhero kind of guy named bible man in the 90s. And since then, he hasn't really done much of anything ever. So, don't make fun of people's careers.

Don't make fun of people's careers, okay? Because you made fun of Ben's career. You're making fun of this guy's career. You are talking about, this is your 2009 rejection audition from JFL. So, things aren't going great for you either, don't you think? No. Yeah. That's true. People that live in glass houses and all that shit shouldn't throw stones. Anyway,

this is Willie Ames sitting on a frickin' butt plug out of Papa John's. Ready? I don't know. Are you ready? Are you sure that you want to do it uh can i get the uh oh pizza pizza that's a caesar's what's that that's a caesar caesar's is pizza pizza yeah little caesars but he's like it doesn't make sense but he's like confused as to where he is

because he has a freaking butt plug how random is that he is confused as to where he i think you're confused as to where you are i i know yeah i know where i am and i, obviously this is too late for notes, but do you have any thoughts on the Benza or the Willie Ames? I think they're, I mean, it was bad to decide to do them as an impression. The impression itself was bad. The context of the impression was ill-advised, and it seems like it wasn't very thought out, because you said pizza pizza at the end of the Papa John's. Can you do any, like, do you have any, like, where is this coming from? Are you fucking Robin Williams all of a sudden? Are you a master impersonator?

Why are you able to board atop a fucking high horse? Are you speaking from any experience? Can you make to board atop a fucking high horse are you speaking from any experience can you make any impression at all you don't even make good first impressions i do mark walberg jerking off at a chipotle okay i'm the one jacking off here not you not you not you damn that was uh fucking good was that at a chipotle huh that was at a chipotle i think right yeah because you didn't hear the cashier um which is the other half of the impression he said i'm the one jerking off here not you not you not you and then the guy says did you say you wanted barbacoa and it's like

that's really only at Chipotle but that's I mean we're 13 and a half minutes into the show let's just do golden mic to me for Mark Wahlberg jerking off in the Chipotle impression you get the turdy for the AJ Benza

impression because that was tacky. That was nasty. It wasn't good. Yours was obviously inspired or literally based on my impressions. There's no way you had a Wahlberg Django at a Chipotle anyway in your back pocket.

I did have that impression ready to go, jerking off at the Chipotle specifically, the barbacoa. I actually have it written down somewhere. I'm not going to go get it and show you now, but I could prove that easily. So, I don't have time to show you, but I did have it. What happened was you giving the joke reminded me that I had it and that i like if anything i wonder if you saw my joke file my notepad on your computer um no it's a handwritten uh notepad of course i didn't see it then

a handwritten notepad well there's no way i could have i haven't seen you in over a year right but you don't know when i wrote it when did you write it a little over a year ago that's fine still i would have missed it it was it seems like a quarantine thing for you and i haven't seen you since last february anyway yeah well last five years when i actually wrote it. So this is... Let's just move on. Let's. I agree. Yeah. I agree.

This is If I Were You, an advice podcast after all. And it's actually not AJ Benz and Mark Wahlberg here, although it sounds like us. Wow. It's me and Jake, of all people. Oh, yeah? Oh, wow. That's pretty cool. Pretty neat, huh? What's that?

That's Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg. Jerking up into a chicken taco at Chipotle. Quack is extra. Pretty neat, right? Not you. Not you. And not quack. How about a little creme fraiche, huh? Creme.

That would be good for when he's about to, you know, sploosh. Yeah. A little creme. Do they have that? Creme fraiche. I don't think so. It's on their brunch menu. They have a fucking French toast now.

All right. We got a question from a Canadian man. So. Nice. nice let's give him let's call him timmy horton oh that's good timmy holes right oh yeah no i'm a 23 old male and i live in ontario our province is the only one starting to open up again after the pandemic i broke up with my girlfriend two months ago mainly because our province's restrictions it was difficult to see her and spend time with her and we knew each other before the pandemic through a mutual friend and started dating about 10 months ago ever since we broke up she has been posting a lot of instagram photos i think trying to make me a bit jealous her in bikinis on the beach straight up ass shots etc

now our province is opening up a bit and i feel like i miss her but i can't tell if i actually miss her or if her instagram photo plan is working also the mutual friend who i also follow reposts every time my ex posts something so i end up seeing it twice should i try to get back together with her or should i block her ass and her mutual friend let me know what you guys think cheers by the way cheers this was sent at 8 43 a.m this wasn't like a late night thirsty email to us so he's bone sober in the morning asking us for advice on how a restless night sleep yeah it does he actually miss her is the plan just working she's fucking mind melting his ass i don't think i actually miss her bad news the bad news here is that this is not necessarily her plan it's helping your ego to believe that the sexy shots are all a ruse to get you back.

You have to consider the possibility, hell, the likelihood, that these sexy photos are thirst traps for other guys, other people that she's interested in, with the added benefit of making you jealous. Hell, that's making me even more jealous in a way and i start to think i actually miss her ass careful because now i'm getting sad now i'm actually thinking about her fucking other people and that ain't good i can't tell if i'm actually sad or i'm just her plan is fucking working out like there's no difference between these two things you don't

know if you actually miss her or if her plan is working. I mean, if you think you miss her, you miss her. There's no question about it. But I also think that you're making yourself feel better by calling this her plan. You're giving yourself permission to miss her. Like, I guess I miss her because she misses me. But that might not be happening. You have to, I mean, i think you should block her because

even if this is her plan i think it's still fine to not be in a relationship yeah if you block her then suddenly that's your plan and she starts missing you and she writes in i don't know if i miss this guy or if that's just his plan working out. He blocked me and now I can't stop thinking about him. Right. I think that's a good point, though. The fact that you don't have a plan. It's all you theorizing about her plan. But why don't we just

take that out of the equation? Whatever she's posting for, for whatever reason, you make your plan. And your plan is either try to win her back, which i don't think you should do or put her on mute put her on mute that's it mute have you done that before instead of blocking someone you just mute them so you don't they don't feel bad but you can't see their photos yeah absolutely that's fun i have a lot of people on mute a lot of people on mute what do you do

like for me like you never comment or like? Do you just block mine out? Because I see you still follow me, but you never open my Instagram stories. My DMs go unread. Right. You're not blocking me. Actually, I never...

Yeah, no, I'm not blocking you. Your stories are on mute because they were a little much. They're a little... Often too often or not good enough. Too often, too often. High quality, poor quality. I still get the DMs.

I still get the DMs. It's just not hard for me to ignore them because I can see... You leave me on read. Oh, Amir. Yeah. And then when something is seen, I'll see Amir is typing again. And it's like you think me having seen is a response. So I had to stop opening them because you would assume it was seen.

Yeah, I noticed that it's no longer even on seen. It's on fleek. And I don't see them. It's not on fleek. I sent you a really funny meme earlier, actually. You should open that one. You don't have to respond. Yeah.

Do me that solid. You sent me about 300 memes earlier. I don't know what you were doing today except for sending me memes. I follow Overheard in Cleveland. And there's actually a really funny post earlier today about a woman at brunch who says that she actually misses the pandemic because this place sucks yeah okay so if you see that and you think it's funny why does why do you need to send it to me because i why do i also have to see i'll post why do i have to see everything that you see i want to be able to just fucking mention it without having to explain it to you because now i have to be like oh remember

that thing that i sent you no i will basically this karen fucking lost her shit i follow an overheard in karen and like it's all about fucking karen's going nuts there's this one where it's like she's yelling at a target so now you like just if you sent them to me i'll read them later don't don't explain them to me also yeah i follow up yeah a series of karen accounts actually they're pretty funny surveillance i know you think that i know you think that yeah and you send them to me and then you explain them to me and then you talk about them on the podcast and i feel like there's other things that you could do with your time like work on your impressions for one that's actually not bad actually so far you're yeah you're rehashing

12 year old impressions that were about 12 years old to begin with yep see that. A dozen on a dozen. They're 24-year-old, basically, impressions of people who were famous in like 97, 98. And even then, it was dated. And even then. Like pushing. Yeah. Yeah. Willie Ames was like a fucking at-most B-list in the late 80s. There's no reason for that.

Let me look him up real quick yeah can you sort of imagine what he sounds like if he was like sort of um at a papa john's imagine that guy. Butt plug. Yeah. He sits on a butt plug and then does an impression of the Little Caesars guy. So your impression of him was him doing an impression of Little Caesars. That's too far removed, I think.

Dude, I really, really fucking appreciate the feedback. I feel like... Sorry, did you just send me another Karen meme? As I was telling you... This one is sort of yelling. As I was telling you...

Yeah, at a food delivery service, because they're asking her to put a mask on. This Karen is having none of it. This is you. Yeah, it's me in a wig, and then i'm also shooting a fucking thing because i'm trying to submit the memes to the karen accounts the aggregators so i can send them overheard and karen that's what you said right yeah all right let's take a break thanks come back and answer more questions after these massages. Pizza, pizza. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back jake do you have any mom i'm coming! Gross. Yeah, yeah, I do. I'm going to tell you about this thing that I've done twice in the last week that's been really, really ace. Whoa. It started on a Friday. I was going out downtown. I was in Connecticut. I was going out with my sisters, my brother,

and our significant others. And on a night where I was going to just, just to New Haven, didn't have, there's nobody else that I needed to meet. There was a designated driver, so I didn't need to worry about calling a car. And I was with everybody that I was going to hang out with. And I just left my phone at home for like six hours. And it was incredible. And I, yeah, you're crying. Why? Because I didn't look at the memes. Okay.

How many times? I can't be reached. How many times did you reach for your phone thinking that like okay it's a lull i'll fucking check twitter slash anything it happened more in the beginning of the night like in the standard place like i went to the bathroom uh at the restaurant that we were at um and i like just reached into my pocket stuff not there um at one point i was like waiting for i was waiting for the bartender um i reached for my phone gotta reach but yeah and instead of reaching i talked to the guy next to next to me at the bar for a second and uh that was a better

experience than looking at like four instagram stories yeah um And then the next day, or no, two days later, it was my cousin's graduation party. And I got a ride there, so I didn't need my phone. And I left it at home for the full day. You really got to make sure you're with everybody because nobody can contact you. Yeah. It's not, you can't do it all the time. But I would encourage anybody who has the opportunity, if their night is, if everything is going to be safe, if everything's going to be, the phone is a very, it's a nice thing to have. But that's like the real necessity, the utility of the phone is why you want to keep it with you. Yeah.

But then you end up using it for all of the bells and whistles and the distractions. That's right. It really helps if you're going out with some, like, I wouldn't, obviously wouldn't recommend going out with it alone. But if you're going out with a group of people and everyone else has their phones

and you're not going to leave them, I think that's, that can happen. Wow. You can leave the phone at home. And then you get home. Did you miss anything? Were there texts? Hey, where are you at?

What's going on? You're scaring me. Why are you talking to that guy? That guy has a fucking gun. Hey, Jake, look at me. Please look at me. Why are you ignoring me? I really think that guy you're talking to is strapped or packing heat or something like that.

Yeah, there were all those texts yeah but uh but i read them with the guy so it was fine so you get home how many how many notifications do you have are you like running home like oh thank god i finally have this phone again let me turn it on and fucking see everything that i missed or are you like no a couple a hours, a couple hours into it, I had forgotten, like, basically completely. And then upon seeing my phone, I was like, oh, wow, that thing's gonna be, it's gonna be Notification City. So there was like a small little like, ooh, you know? But at the same time, I think I was like mixed with a little bit of pride that I didn't care about it for so long. That's cool. And then I did.

I had a lot of notifications. For sure. And then when you're out and like there was a lull, was it ever a time where everybody was on your phone except for you? And then you're like, oh, you guys are a slave to this thing. I didn't even bring my iPhone. Were you like sort of like loud, proud and holier than thou about your attitude with regards to not having your phone? No, I feel like everybody else actually did a great job of not looking at their phones. Like, if anything, it's like, I am the one, like, I wouldn't look at my

phone anyway, if I'm like hanging out with my family at dinner. But at the same time it was just like it was nice to not even have like a little device that could like ping me with anxious things that i had to do or stuff that i forgot i don't know so that that was nice just being like away from the notification of it all yeah i mean it is we we're old enough to remember like when i was you know 15 16 i didn't really have a cell phone so like i would go out and it's like hope nobody needs to reach me or i'll come home and check my answering machine or something but again teenagers aren't calling each other there and this was pre-text as well yeah i mean all we had was uh instant messenger yeah you come back to my computer and see what you missed yeah and you, I could have met up with this person.

This person wanted to hang out, but I was over at Joe's instead. But you were away from the action. You're going out tonight in Brooklyn or Manhattan. You've got to have your phone, right? Yeah, because it's tough. Right now, there's just too many people that are, I'm like doing something with my brother, but we're like going to meet somebody for dinner. And then afterwards somebody is like, oh, I'm getting dinner with this friend, but we will meet you for a drink. Yeah.

So there's just like, you have, and I have to be able to tell them if I'm at a bar or if we move to another bar, et cetera, et cetera. Too much coordination. There was that guy who I think you were friends with that had the mini phone or the old phone or the non-phone. It was called the light phone. It was just like this old flip phone that all it did was text and map.

Yeah. Let me see. We should shout out light phone if it's the correct thing oh yeah the light phone but then that guy had to go all in it's not like he has an iphone at home he's like going full light phone would you ever do that can you imagine never having it this is wow it looks it's very cool i like the the idea. Because it's also thin. It's also for my mental health.

Yeah, it's skinnier, right? Yeah, it's nice. It looks like a first-generation iPhone. This is like in the beginning of our podcast, there was a time when I was on Tinder too much. And I was like, I need to get a flip phone. And that's going to make my life, that'll make me healthier. I remember that. you were like, I got to get off the dating apps.

Now you're using Orion, Raya and Bumble only. So it's not as big of a deal. Right. That's true. Yeah. Let us. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm curious if anybody here uses the light phone.com. It looks like a super stripped down. This is probably good for my mental health as well. But then I would just stare at my text messages instead of anything else. And then this, you really got to sacrifice everything. Like you would not have an iPhone anymore. Right.

But it's like, now I'm getting like short of breath trying to think about it. You're having a panic attack. How would I post TikTok? I feel like there are times when I'm on my iPhone, when I'm like looking at Instagram, I've gone through everything. I opened Twitter, gone through everything. I refresh my email. There's nothing.

It just goes right back, right back to Instagram. Yeah, exactly. It's just like, it's a loop. It's crazy. And there are also times when I'm bored where I look at Twitter, close it. Reopen Twitter. I stare at my phone trying to figure out what I can open. And I'm so dumb that I reopen Twitter.

I'm like, knock it off, man. Or there's a lot of times where I take my, whenever I'm done, I'm like, I always either say out loud to my, or in my brain, like, what am I doing? Like, it's been 41 minutes. What am I doing? What am i doing like it's been 41 minutes what am i doing what am i doing what have i done i think it creates a weird fog what else am i supposed to do like it's 9 28 p.m on a thursday and i'm at fucking home the obvious answer is like yeah read or watch tv but like am i really gonna am i gonna sit down and read for an hour and a half and then watch more tv it just it's not in my schedule and also is watching tv any better no i don't know if i don't think it is but it's the better for my attention span like

what probably when i say read i can't read for more for like more than 10 minutes i'm like okay i read for 10 minutes that's pretty good time to stare at twitter for 98 more minutes oh this is easy yeah new thread new thread new thread i'm investigating i'm an amateur epidemiologist for this and i know all the facts about the new delta variant now and i didn't learn it in this stupid book about Winston fucking Churchill. I'm reading this really interesting book about Winston Churchill, actually. Ten minutes at a time, right? Yeah, pretty much.

It's 500 pages, and I read five pages a night for almost a year. Is it good? It's interesting. I didn't know anything about him, so I know a lot about Winston Churchill now. Interesting. You know, he used to a lot about Winston Churchill now. Interesting. You know, he used to take two to three baths a day. I feel like I've just seen movies and TV shows where he's doing that, so it's like it entered my conscious.

But that's interesting. I like baths, too. That's something we have in common. Did he say why? No, I guess it sort of helped take his mind off things. You know, he's having to run England during World War II, and they were getting bombed every night by the Nazis until they sort of were going to be forced to submit or then retaliate,

and he needed America's help. But America, of course, doesn't want to get dragged into a world war, so until the election fdr had to sort of placate the fan base he didn't want to like lose the election but then he ended up winning the election his fourth term i mean everyone knows that uh and he was finally able to say you know what let's help fight fascism abroad because if we don't then the nazis will be at our doorstep and then it's like who do we ask for help at that point it's too late everyone's been defeated and then there's like

they're also fighting the the japanese arena they're coming in from the east so like they have to fight two wars at the same time meanwhile churchill is uh j-o at a bath in uh yeah i was gonna say he was at a place called do the a.j benza againG-O at a bath in a... Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, he was at a place called... Do the A.J. Benza again. Churchill's at a restaurant called Checkers, and he sounds like this. No, I can't actually do it. I don't know what he sounds like. I would be able to do it,

but I have never heard him speak. Yeah, I would be able to do it. I don't want to force it. Take a second. Take a second. Well, with the Ben son. Watch a Churchill video. Watch one single Churchill video, and then we'll see you do it.

Because you said I would be able to do it, but I've never heard him speak. So I want to see you do it once you hear him speak. Why don't we go? We'll take a break. No. We can take a break, and we'll come back. You having had listened to a winston churchill speech of which there are many and i don't know if they i feel like even if you haven't heard him speak

you've heard like people do if you've seen movies where where churchill is like played by someone doing an impression yeah yeah i don't know how to do the accent i don't know yeah well you said you'd be able to do it if you heard him speak we're gonna go to a break we'll listen you're gonna listen to him speak and then we'll do the impression and he'll be uh and it'll be jango at a checklist yeah all right okay we'll be back. He's, yeah, he's a hero. Okay. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

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I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but

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and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. All right, so we're back. We're back. I listened to a bit of Winston Churchill's famous speech, We Shall Fight on the Beaches, which is about sort of maintaining democracy in the United Kingdom, fighting Hitler. Fighting Hitler.

Staying strong in the face of adversity. And we want to take that voice and that man and transport it to a modern day or a checkers in 2009, as it were. And what is he doing there? And what does he say? And what does he sound like? So Churchill would be in a bath, obviously. We already went over this yeah

and he would sound like I'm curious if you can give me that cheese burger over there with a side of oh here I go fries

um Oh, here I go. Fries. It won't. That was actually really fucking good. Really? That was really fucking good. I was sort of like, I mean, we were listening to that Churchill speech during the break. And so it helped. I mean, it helped for sure. Get it.

Get me pulled that out. I would have, it's a shame that I already won the golden Mike so early this episode. And you already got the turdy. Cause you can't win the turdy and the golden Mike in the same episode. But that was like, damn, if the beginning of this episode didn't happen,

that would have been like your, your fucking moment. Well, why don't we start now? Don't overdo it. Right? I'm rock hard at the thought of a golden mic. You're nearing your second turdy

if you don't drop this and let it be. I told you it was a good impression let's move on actually we do have a question about porn oh yeah great um i love porn what's a famous uh male porn star um that we can refer to this guy as. Our good friend from the Bang Bros, Jake and Amir, Preston Parker. Is Preston still up and at it? He's still getting it done, or has he moved on to producing? Yeah, no, I still see him buck from time to time. Yeah. Nice.

He's working with brothers. He's working with reality kings. Yeah. Nice. He's working with browsers. He's working with reality kings. Yeah. Nice. All right. So Preston writes, I recently switched from Comcast to a small internet service provider. They have everything I could want.

Transparent and reasonable pricing. Super fast speeds. And good customer support. The one catch? Only fans will not load images and videos i'll spare the technical details but it's just this one specific horny site and only when connected over my new internet service provider i know what you're thinking but my cell signal is too weak here to use it vpns work but the data limit on a free v free VPN will get me at most through four days.

Do I have to go back to my shitty internet service of Comcast just so I can get my daily serving of hot, hot content? I'm too self-conscious to call my new service provider and say, I can't get to OnlyFans. Furthermore, I would probably end up on a sex offender list if the technician comes to test and then pulls up my OnlyFans account to show them the issue. Is there any way for me to ask them to fix OnlyFans without ever telling them that I use OnlyFans? Sincerely, an only and horny fan. Hmm. Well, you said the VPN could work. You would just have to pay for a VPN. But I think a VPN is a cheaper subscription than the internet. And you just, you know, you bite that bullet.

Yeah. That seems like probably the move. I've never heard of an ISP limiting specific sites. I mean, this is very un-American. I thought we did away with this. We need a free and open internet. This is disgusting. It's amoral.

I mean, where is he emailing from? Communist Prussia? This can't be how we run things. I need to jerk off in this tub whenever I need. What was the end? It's like Mayor quimby yeah i got into like jfk a little bit but like only because i'm now i'm getting further and further from having heard winston now i fucking regret i asked you to move on yeah and i asked you to move on right i was like you're beating a dead horse i was gonna flip it back and like i basically took a huge huge

swing because i wanted you to be like holy shit now he's got it but what ended up happening was like the reverse i'm starting to lose the thread that i had lose that i'm gone i'm gone i'm checked out i'm like i feel bad for you, man. Because of the impressions or just in general? Not just the impressions. But the impressions caused it. Like, you didn't come in here with a sour attitude towards me. It started with the impressions, right?

I'll just stop doing the impressions. The impressions were the first thing the only thing maybe let's see if it helps and let's see if you can actually stop i can definitely stop them whether it's jfk or winston churchill all right is jfk jerking off he just seemed like he was yeah so jfk was sort of he was yeah he was touching himself actually where at a fucking snapple factory insane yeah all right he was at a jamba Juice earlier that day and couldn't get it up. I guess he fucking loves the bottles of it all.

Oh, my God. I think this guy should call his internet service provider. Yeah, maybe if he gets drunk one day and he's like, I'm going to just fucking call him and say I can't access OnlyFans. I mean, it's not just porn on there, right? We can be on there. Hell? We can be on there. Hell, we should be on there. We should be on there. It's not just porn.

So at the very least, you have that. It's not like they're looking at your Pornhub premium. OnlyFans, you can support artists on there. It's also, yeah, it is ethical. It's the mom and pop porn shop. I think that's ethical. You can support artists on there. Yeah. It's also, yeah, it is ethical. It's the mom and pop porn shop. I think that's good. Maybe you could be like, hey, I'm trying to sign up to my friend's music account on OnlyFans, and I can't seem to log in.

Yeah, that's a pornography site, sir. There's also tits. Sorry, you little pervert. Holy shit. I'm seeing a muff. It is so weird. I would feel this too, but why do we feel scared to tell a stranger at an internet service? It's all so anonymous.

Yeah, and odds are they're looking at porn too. Right. I guess I would just encourage you to give it a shot. Just try calling. I mean, we're just meant to hide this shit. This is the fucking problem here. We don't learn about it in schools. We do it shamefully, and it creates all these fucking ripple-down effects.

This is puritanical bullshit. It is bullshit. We should be jerking off at Quiznos. We should have a butt plug at Little Caesars. That's what your set was about. Yes. It sounds blue. Social commentary.

Yeah, it sounded so fucking immature and stupid. But what I was trying to say was, let's shed this superficial layer that we're all living in. And if I could sneeze at a Starbucks, I should be able to jerk it at a fucking coffee. Oh, my God. There's no difference there's literally anatomically no difference between the two yes there is i got arrested there is fucking i got arrested i'm sorry i know i know this is you on the karen account i have a fucking meme if it helps uh all right so tell you can tell them that you watch only yeah you go to only fans they might not know what it is they might know and

not care the important thing is to support the artists that you want to support that's right support your favorite porn stars directly all right we have one last horny 24 year old that we i guess this is the horny episode everyone's been in corny and now they're all getting horny and they want to know what to do nice nice 24 year old female are there any females in porn that you know um wow hard to hard to choose i guess i'll just go with one of my um one of my faves uh eva love ya as in her last name is love ya or it's just eva and then you're saying you love her. It's, no, it's Eva Lovia. L-O-V-I-A. Eva. Eva Lovia.

Eva Lovia writes, hey dudes, I'm a 24-year-old female in New York and I have a predicament. Wait, hold on. Do you know a porn star? Do you know a porn star that's not like Jenna Jameson? No, I don't know the names of porn stars. I'm sorry. You don't know the names of any porn stars? No.

There's not a single porn star that you have like a crush on you're like oh when i see her in a screen cap i'm happy because i like her no i'm agnostic i also don't know which superheroes belong in which universe like it's just a blind spot i don't know porn and i don't know fucking spider-man but i can so you need to jack off you're going you're just going to go to an aggregator. Yeah. And whatever's trending that month. Yeah. The thumbnails are more than enough.

Yeah. And I've got enough in here. Because they autoplay when you hover. When you hover over a thumbnail, that's showing you the highlights of the video. Oh, there's more? You're saying if I click through through there's actually more to fucking see the thumbnails are so hot and high res as is why would i ever need audio yeah you go to the right site they're just a hot banner is gonna load and that's on autoplay baby oh you better believe it

sometimes i'll click on it just to sort of show my support. Here's another five cents sort of tipping the waitress, as it were. Yeah. But this Eva writes, I had a major crush on one of my guy friends for an entire high school existence. I was shy and awkward, so my lack of game kept anything from happening. But flash forward to the present tense, and he's in my DMs, and we've built quite a flirty rapport. I think he's into me. This begs the question, do I bang my childhood crush?

Is this the pinnacle of hopeless high school admiration finally coming to fruition? Or is it better to leave a fantasy for fear that it's a major disappointment? What's the phrase? Never bang your heroes. Thanks in advance for your wisdom. Love, Eva.

It's yeah, it's something like that. But I think you should do it. You're saying the risk is worth the reward. Yeah, I think it's nice to close the loop on these things, to see it through. Well, I mean, and don't do it just because you had a crush on him in high school. But if he's like, if you guys are having like a fun, flirty back and forth now, that's like reason enough to see if there's anything there. But then you like add in the history, it's going to end up being kind of hot. It might not live up to expectations, but at least you could kind of like imagine stepping into a time machine meeting your shy awkward high school self and being like you boned dylan ryan that's cool and being like yeah damn

i fucked everyone in my private school it was in your in your jewish day school it's an old-fashioned blumenfeld family fuck fest i ended up blowing my fucking physics teacher. What did you say? Close the loop? Yeah, I closed the loop. And then I was able to measure. To apply that. Yeah.

I mean, it was just this fucking bacchanalian graduation party where we all got ours. Xenon, Boron, and Seabon. Oh! The periodic table of cum. That's actually Bill Nye at a Sur La Tabla. He bought a waffle maker.

Yeah. Good lord. So I guess go for it. And tread lightly. Don't just sleep with him if he's a bad guy but if he's if he's a nice guy that you would have hooked up with anyway it could be fun extra fun right all things aside i think that the fact that you have a had a crush on him in high school a hopeless crush on him in high school does not make this that's not the non-starter if anything that's that gives a little twist that's fun everything else standard rules apply see store for details don't forget the fine print uh and yeah keep us posted like

let us know and if you have now it's probably legal to ask for like photos or videos or whatever, but. Ew. I hope no one listens to this episode. Wow. Go ahead and say it then. Let's see what you really think. It was so,

it was too horny, man. Oh, because all we talked about was jerking off in restaurants, making sure that we get pictures and videos of people having sex. We didn't talk about that. You talked about that. That was what you said at the end.

That was your thing. That was you. Fucking everyone. What did you say? A bacchanalian orgy at a graduation? You said Blumenfeld family fuck fest at one point. You said you blew your physics teacher. And yes, I said xenon, boron, and cmon.

But I was just yes anding you're fucking disgusting ass semon a tail an element called semon it's what our semen is made out of it's two parts semen one part oxygen and a jimmy john and it is a papa john and it is a covalent bond nice little chemistry joke at the end for all you fucking nerds uh all right thanks for listening or sorry for listening uh if you have your own questions. Definitely that one. Or theme songs, send them on down to if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening one was David. He did that Elvis parody that sort of launched a thousand bits as it were. Yeah.

Good work. And this closing song is a man on the moon parody. Remember that from the REM song from that i love andy kaufman movie love yeah yeah good shit uh nothing to promote except i want to request for a second time that you reach out to the youtube channel game grumps for a possible collab like having them on the podcast so maybe we will reach out i know aaron personally so at least we can do yeah so he should have he should be on our pod we We should definitely be on his. I mean, you're a huge gamer.

Yeah, I love gaming. And I think I forgot to shout out the Elvis impersonator at the top. That makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. He's on YouTube. David Adeyemi. Adeyemi.

A-D-E-Y-E-M-I. Or on Instagram David T. Adiemi Shout out to his boy Drew So thanks Drew Thanks David Alright Thanks Elvis

Thanks to you guys for listening We'll be back next week Andy did you hear about this one? Andy are you goofing on Elvis? Oh my god Oh yeah He does an Elvis impression in that song. Should I follow my ex GF on Instagram?

That seems gutsy. Is it cheating if I slide in her DMs? Well, probably Am I a douche cause I date only tens? I mean, that depends I'll make them feel bad if they give me bad head You're the worst boyfriend Should I leave my guy If he doesn't trust me

Well what's the sitch He don't let me have guy friends And he follows me Yeah dump that bitch So tell me what to do Jake and Amir Tell me should I seize the cheese Am I just overthinking this whole thing Or am I a sleaze If I were you I'll tell you just what I'd do

Break up with that dude Jake and Amir Are here to make fun of you Advice from two Jews If I were you I'd get with the program Stop being a creep If life were a test

You'd have failed the exam, cause talk is cheap. That was a Hiddem original. What's the five dollar meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.