Segments - 497: LA Trip

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

In this episode we discuss Jake's trip, Amir's disgusting morning, and shooting videos again!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed?

Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. You live your life where old Jake goes And you're happy when Ben's not there And Marty likes the kind of control And right against Paulpa lost her hair Wow. Wow.

Yeah, that was only half of it. So I figured we would play half of it now because it's jam-packed full of references. And it's not a theme song. It's a real song, basically. Wow. I played the second half at the end of the episode but that was alex southey a musician from toronto who's always been a fan obviously of course uh and he thinks both of us will recognize the song from the late late

90s so it could have been a high school or university favorite it's mazzy star fade into you interesting i don't know that i did recognize it i thought it sounded like radiohead or something like fake plastic trees is that radiohead i don't know i was not into i mean it's been clearly established that i was not into like cool music when i was in high school i mean it was cool to me and it's it's actually aged really well over time of course what dude ranch dude ranch cheshire cat much yeah he also like dave he was pretty slow dave matthews yeah i don't think ants marching is a very slow song it's actually a major pick me up song what would you say yeah pretty pretty am dancing nancy's tripping billies i mean come on dude i don't know what you're talking about did you like blink and dave at

the same time um yeah yeah i guess i did i guess i contain multitudes that year. Yeah. All right. We're recording this kind of live. It's going to be Monday morning and released Monday, slightly afternoon. So recording this on Monday, July 19th. You're in LA all weekend long. That's right. We saw each other for the first time in a year and a half.

Does seeing me on Zoom feel different now, having seen me as recently as the day before yesterday? No, I guess it feels kind of similar. And it's weird because since we do Zoom literally every day for a year and a half, it didn't feel like I hadn't seen you for that long. Yeah, that's kind of true. It was like, it was fake reunion because I still, I saw you just as much as I did when you lived here. I just hadn't like physically seen you. So it was kind of bizarre. It was, I mean, it was a lot for me.

It was intense. I think it was like a little surreal to see you in the flesh. But because we've seen each other so much and because we've talked so much and we've been friends for so long, it like the adjustment was pretty quick. Like by that afternoon, it felt normal. But everybody like seeing the rest of the office that like didn't wear off. Right. You saw our new HeadGum space for the first time, which was kind of cool. Saw the new HeadGum space, met like five new people that we hired that I've seen on Zoom, but never in person.

So that was wild yeah was anybody taller or shorter than you thought i knew i grew a few inches this quar yeah kind of weird to see it was weird but i mean i knew that you had gotten the um the shin lengthening surgery that was natural what are you talking about i'm six three now and i had a weird month where i was sort of better at him um but yeah it's kind of cool to be like the primo heido now danny's danny is tall danny's taller than i thought it was gonna be yeah danny's a natural six three a natural actual six three a legit yeah um and i should say we also shot some stuff in la for the first time in years and years and years that's right yeah um the last video we shot together was the trump video in 2016 and we we made a um a covid list video in early 2020 but i wouldn't even consider that

a jake and amir because we were all so low-key depressed uh it didn't right so that didn't count because we were sad that year yeah and we filmed it on our i mean i filmed it by myself on an iphone so it felt sort of like going through the motions. Anyway. Yeah. How did you feel about shooting Jake and Amir? It was, I don't know, I didn't, again, it felt like I've done it so many times that I didn't have to like get into character. It seems like it's written in such a way that I'm forced to be that person. So like, I feel like i was able to slide back into what the amir character was yeah it feels like we've been i mean we do like basically

in character-esque bits on the podcast all the time we had the head gum videos where like sometimes i was insane and sometimes you were insane um so that's so we kept practice but we knew that we had the cadence the the most comfortable thing for me was writing a jake and amir when i i wrote a quick cut one um before i came out and it just flowed out of me it was yeah it was exactly like putting on an old pair of shoes and just like comfortable easy no problem right so hopefully uh hopefully the audience agrees because they might see like whoa this is way worse i don't know what they were thinking yeah they'll think we lost a step but the the reality is i think it's the same and the old videos were all so bad if you don't like them now you've changed you. You've changed. Not me. You've grown.

Not us. This is not like when people didn't like Blink-182's self-titled newest album. But then a couple of years later, all of a sudden, I'm feeling this is like a classic Blink song. And that's not how people felt. Yeah. Yeah. You know, Drake has a lyric where he says, I come out with a classic and years later people say it's a sleeper like yeah like they don't like the new shit till it becomes they don't you don't have to get defensive yet i'm not i'm just i'm just discussing what it

is and have like i'm talking about it for drake i'm different i'm different yeah no our fans are different our fans are cooler um by the way if you want to support this endeavor you can uh subscribe to our patreon because that's what we're using to uh fund the operation we don't know yeah um yeah yeah so now that it's our ip we sort of have to make it ourselves which is a little more complicated the we should talk about how the first day we get there, we don't have any of the equipment we need to actually shoot. You know, we never ever took our producers... How hard can this be?

We never took our producers for granted, but we definitely didn't have any idea how to do it ourselves. We showed up, and the Zoom zoom didn't work we couldn't record the audio we didn't have batteries for it we had to walk to the store to get the batteries you forgot the tripod we were balancing the sd card on a shelf when we finally got it going you didn't have the sd card the labs were cutting out um by the time we we were we're so quick when we shoot we were able to shoot the video in like less than an hour and it took us two hours to to get the frame ready to call action that's right yeah but you know we're we're shaking the rust off that's we're getting the kinks out i think that um the more we do it the more practice have, the better it's going to be.

Yeah. So we shot three episodes hoping to edit and release soon enough. And we used to write, shoot, edit. And now we have to do that, but also the fourth thing, which is produce. And that's the one that we're not quite used to. Yeah. But that's the thing that hopefully the audience doesn't realize or notice as much and right we tried to step it up even within these three so don't don't judge them as uh individually quite yet this is a grand work of art we're sort of building towards and when

when you watch them and if you don't think they're funny or the acting is good or the shots look good at least know that it's impressive that they exist because we produced them and yeah i can't help that's not i can't stress that enough we're eps now and also line p's now so we'll like pay people and also show up with a tripod if necessary yeah that being said i did forget to bring the tripod you forgot to bring the tripod but you know we used to just roll up to the office. Crew call was like two hours before us. We would walk in.

The shots were set up. They're like, sit in. Are you guys ready? We'd roll. We opened the gate for the crew this time. That's being an EP. And shout out to Jeffrey who did all the audio, the dumbass himself, and Avi who shot the things and made it look great.

That's right. Hopefully you guys see those soon. Can't wait. All right. I should say this is If I Were You, an advice podcast. The only one on the web hosted by us.

I'm Amir. Correct. I'm Jake. And I am shirtless at 10.30 a.m. recording. I usually have a shirt when we record yeah I was I'm curious because I said no shirt and then you said it's been a day yeah so here's what my 8 to 10 30 was like oh my god so I wake up in half hours you wake up You wake up at eight. Wake up at eight, nice normal time, go to grab a banana, and I see on my kitchen floor there's some ants.

No big deal. I've been there before. I can handle ants. It's kind of gross that there's ants, but that's what happens in LA. It gets warm. They find food. They sneak into your house through every corner and crevice, any nook and cranny.

Then I take a closer look, and it's not quite just ants. My kitchen has a sliding door that opens up to the outside. It's not just quite ants. It seems to be a party of ants, and it looks like little pieces of rice. And I'm like, huh, that's not okay. My dog starts sniffing it. I start getting closer. And I'll sort of send you what I took a picture of and I saw, which was ants sort of eating. And I, I, I sort of, it creeps me out even now to say this word,

but maggots, there were, uh, dozens and dozens. Uh, is it larva? Is it maggots? It's fly eggs that hatched into these creepy crawly worms,

um, that are on the ground. So they're crawling. I don't know if I need to see it. Yeah. crawling. Are you sending it to me? I don't know if I need to see it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sending it to you. Oh, no. Ew.

Ew. Yes. Ew. Yeah. And they're all like surrounding and eating the maggots. It's basically how you would design something horrific. I'm deleting these right now. Yes.

So you don't even want to see the photo imagine having that in your on your floor like i don't even know what to begin to do like yeah there's hundreds of ants and dozens of maggots so i have to be like okay take a beat get grossed out, and then wonder what happens now. Do I call someone? Do I vacuum them up? Do I wash them out? Do I spray them? Do I use a dustpan and a broom?

I've never dealt with this specific issue before. There are little worms surrounded by ants that have crawled into my kitchen. I don't know the source of it even. I don't even know what these things are. So I text a group thread of people who have owned a house longer than me. And I'm like, all right, has anyone dealt with this situation? What are these things? How did they get in? That's nice. I like a group thread versus going to the internet. Yeah. Group thread had some insight. My friend Ofer, who's very knowledgeable about the matter, homeowner, and also like is a very handyman, has chickens and compost and like knows about this whole ecosystem. Right away, he diagnoses it. These are fly eggs, a fly, just like

a little fly, you know, the kind that buzzes around your kitchen can lay hundreds of eggs that turn into these in 7 to 20 hours and so fast these these will become these will become flies somehow i don't know how because ants are eating them alive right and he's like just try to like um get them out of your house because they'll soon become flies. All right. Try to get them out of my house. I put the dog back into the bedroom to keep him from eating these. How do you try to get them out of your house? You just tell them to go very forcefully?

Yeah. I sort of use a stern tone. I mean, at first I tried to use like with ants, you could just use a wet paper towel and like clean it like dust. But these things are too, they're're too thick it's not quite ant level it's like going like this is like smushing rice into the ground it doesn't do anything i lift up a fucking you know like when you stand over this on the sink or when you yeah when you're at the sink there's a little carpet a carpet a rug a little rug i have a few of them in my kitchen turn those over oh you better believe

there's dozens underneath each fucking rug it's starting to spread and at this point the ants are crawling on me and i'm feeling it i'm feeling this fucking you don't like you don't like ants at all no you're grossed out i don't like ants don't like ants and i especially don't like the worms at this point avital's there in the kitchen commiserating with me she definitely doesn't want No. You're grossed out by that. No, I don't like ants. Don't like ants. And I especially don't like the worms. At this point, Avital's there in the kitchen commiserating with me. She definitely doesn't want to like start sweeping, touching, squishing, crawling these creepy crawly loser fox. So I'm like feeling them all over my body and I'm like shaking. I'm like, oh, this is so fucking gross.

It's really hot. I'm starting to sweat so what i decide to do is use uh i have a god a broom and a dustpan outside so i'm like fucking just shoveling them like it's like it's spilled quinoa or orzo into a dustpan dozens out of time but like you know they're still alive so yeah they're crawling on the they're crawling yeah yes so i'm doing that over and over flipping them outside doing that over and over flipping them outside looking under another carpet more of them i'm like holy shit how did this happen i have to burn my house down i don't know last night there were none today there's hundreds i move up every carpet at a certain

point they're no longer under the carpets so So I guess they all contained in the kitchen carpets. I take all the carpets outside, shake them out, take all the creepy crawlies, throw them out, spray the floor down, clean the floor, vacuum as a last thing.

And at this point it's like 10 a.m. I've done this for two hours, trying to like desanitize, re-sanitize my entire kitchen. God. I think they're gone, but like, I guess there's also a chance. I mean, I don't even know where, I don't even, I didn't find the origin. I didn't see like, okay, this is the home base.

You got to do a deep clean. You have to empty out your cabinets. There's like- But none of them are in the cabinets. They're all on the floor in the kitchen under the carpet and i took all the carpets out and i cleaned the floor i guess i'll see if they're back in an hour or two but as far as i can see they're all gone for now but i don't know how they got there like a fly died underneath a carpet and laid 300 eggs i think you gotta do it i think you gotta yeah you gotta

do a deep clean because they're in the cabinets. They're waiting in the wings for shit like that to happen. Yeah, I've had fruit flies before. And you put the fruit out and the flies eventually leave. And I've had some flies, stragglers, come in. But I didn't see the epicenter of these things. I don't know what to set on fire and destroy. It might be a mattress it might be inside you is there a world where a fly fucking laid its eggs in your nose

and you sneezed all this out last night god fucking nightmare just care ants carrying maggots like what's grosser than that it It's the big two of gross. I guess if there was like a dead mouse that they were all living in in my bedroom, it could be worse. But this is almost as gross as it gets. Oy, oy, oy. Oy, oy, oy is right. I mean, that's just one of the classic fun parts about owning a house. You don't get to call somebody to deal with it.

It's all just uv mags and it's like who flinches first and it was me i remember one of the one of the grosser things when i first got my place in la was um like up where i was living there was like coyotes you know um is there yeah it's over like two um but one day i woke up and there was like there was some kind of like there was some kind of like rodent or some like some coyote food was dead in my courtyard and i like an exposed raccoon yeah right oh yeah maybe that's what it was a raccoon i know it wasn't a skunk because it wasn't that gross but it's like a prairie dog i don't even know it just it was bigger than a squirrel and i was like roadkill basically yeah totally and if in the middle of my courtyard, half devoured by coyotes.

And it smelled awful. Jill was very upset. And with that, it wasn't even a problem. It was just one thing I had to get over. Find a way to put this thing into a garbage. And I went down into the shed and I got a shovel. Yeah, you need like a rake or something long and sharp. Yeah, you're not going to like this story.

I went to shovel it and it opened up and it like exploded into maggots. Oh, God. So I wonder if that's the origin of this one. Yeah, I mean, flies just basically lay eggs in things. I just don't know what they laid eggs in. I hope there's not an open exposed raccoon. There wasn't any in my trash either. I took my trash cans out too and fucking hosed and sprayed them down.

I have no idea. Oh, all right. Good, good. The good news is I think my kitchen is cleaner now than it has been for a while because I sprayed and bleached and vacuumed and everything. Wow. Good on you. That's really nice.

I had a similar thing. I mean, we're just doing story time now, but recently we heard a bang and there was a little dead birdie right outside of our house. He tried to fly in, hit the window, and it was just like a dead fucking bird right outside of our house like he tried to fly in hit the window and it was just like a dead fucking bird like that's an annoying thing to try to get rid of it's like is this gonna wake up is he startled am i trying to like now like shoo him into like a garbage bag yeah gross and sad how'd you pick up the bird i used a a broom and sort of brushed him into an open garbage can.

But I was very scared the entire time that I would just be like, all right, let me get out of here and start flying towards me. I was ready to be startled and it never happened. Birds are nice. I guess something is kind of trying a final fantasy. Is that what it's called when like random bad shit happens to you? Is that final fantasy? Final fantasy?

I don't think so. Resident Evil? No. It's like that. It was that final fantasy um final fan i don't think resident evil no it's like that uh it's not final fantasy that's a video game it's like that right movie series where like you know you go on a roller coaster and like something bad happened oh final destination yeah finally so this round of final destination warned me to leave my house last week a bird died in my kitchen and now there's fucking maggots and ants everywhere. There's something cursed in here. You're going to come to New York.

Your house is going to blow up because there's a carbon monoxide leak. That's what's going to happen. Death is after you. At least the maggots will be gone once my house blows up. All right. Let's take a break and actually answer some questions now that we've talked about your trip shooting videos and of course maggots the big three oh yeah thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on

squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters?

Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back uh all right i checked again it's still seemingly clean over there so nice there we go 30 minutes in i am like you know when you're sort of sweaty so you take your shirt off and but then it's like air conditioned so now i just feel freezing yeah so i'm like have completely transformed to a cold naked van as i record this episode god what a low point for you and on a monday too yeah classic hashtag mondays am i right starting off the week wrong um all right we tweeted from our jake and Amir Twitter account. That's right. For some lightning round Qs to A. Hell yeah.

People came through. I like this question from Mo Money Mo Problems. Dark Fruits Poppy tweets, Who could eat more of their favorite food by mass or volume in one sitting out of the two of you? Wow, that's a good question. I wanted to answer it because I think it's me. Well, what would your food be? Annie's macaroni and cheese.

Okay. And I could genuinely never stop eating it. The only reason I ever stop is because there isn't more. Yeah. I guess that sounds like a good video because there has to be

a theoretical point where you start feeling so sick. I guess you've never been there, right? No. I've definitely taken down two boxes solo, which is... There have been times where I ate a box of Annie's alongside McDonald's French fries and a chicken sandwich. That's big.

That's a lot. Mine would probably be French fries, or if i really wanted to take this seriously watermelon because watermelon is very big and i can eat it without getting filled up with oil and salt it would just be sweet water i guess if we did it strategically like that we're like you're eating watermelon and i'm eating annie's it feels like by volume you'd you'd have to win yeah but i think back at the college humor off old college humor office do you remember a bet where somebody said i bet you can't eat three pounds of food from the deli hot bar and uh i think it was zach klein who ended up just buying three pounds of watermelon and eating it fairly easily wow you like beat the

system because a lot of it is just water yeah he's a smart guy he's very intelligent i don't think anybody ate like three pounds of like turkey meatloaf and mashed potatoes kevin corrigan did that's correct what is your preferred amount of time to wait between watching tv episodes like so what was the last show you binged and did you do nightly or do you prefer like let's take a few days off and come back jilla and i got really into this show called, what was it called? What was it called? Oh, Halting Catch Fire.

Yeah, you've already talked about this show. Okay. So I think that like, I'm not like the kind of like binger, like let's stay up late and keep on watching. Like, yeah,

I think I want to go to bed by, I want to start getting ready for bed by 11 so like usually two um but i like a back-to-back but yeah about like back-to-back and then the next night that's kind of like a vibe i prefer like the the live succession cadence of like awesome episode. Let's wait a week. I don't have the like I need to wait and then fucking watch six in a night like that. It takes it away from me a little bit. You become numb to the story and like the excitement. I guess that's true.

But I think a back to back and then you could wait a couple of days. I feel like it's nice. It's just really nice to get that second attaboy, that second dopamine hit. You have a great sandwich and you finish one half and you still have the other one ready to go. I like that feeling a lot. Yeah. But you also have sports is the thing. And I do too.

And I like that. But it makes watching TV a lot easier because you're not like constantly looking for something new. It's like when I like something, I'm like, great. I'll watch two episodes of Halt and Catch Fire. And tomorrow it's game four of this playoff series that I'm invested in. And on the weekend, I'm watching football.

And it's, and i that's football in the worldly sense not american football which i am actually out on really yeah i am not in last year i only watched i only watched the um uh whatever what's the big one called the super bowl what's the big one called i almost called how dare you yeah no i only watched the super bowl i don't think i watched the plays uh yeah i always talk to like friends of mine who don't watch any sports at all like good friends of mine have not watched a single football basketball like don't know anything and they just like yeah they need to have like from eight to midnight they're watching something else and they just like yeah they're they need to have like from

eight to midnight they're watching something else and it's like they watch so much like netflix i'm like how do you have time to watch all these like random shows it's like well i watch five hours of sports a day they watch five hours of a movie or a tv show that i've never heard of and so it all adds up to the same amount of time what do do you do when basketball is not on? You watch American football? Yeah, but in between basketball and football, there's a few months of just like not knowing what to do. I can't even tell you what I do at night. Wow. And then during the pandemic, there was like no sports for like four months straight. That was a real low point. Yeah.

I've got a good sports clip going now. I guess soccer's gone. The worldly soccer. The worldly football, I mean. But I'm into Formula One. I'm watching the Grand Prix every Sunday now. Wow. Maybe I can do that.

That'll fill up one morning. But then do I really need more? Shouldn't I just like purposefully avoid it so I don't watch more sports? I guess so. But sports, I think sports are a really beautiful thing. It's like human drama that's like unfolding. Oh, the Olympics are coming up. That'll be a great two weeks of non-basketball, non-football sporting event. Yeah, and they've got basketball. Are all of the basketball players, like I saw Kevin Love's not participating because of the fucked up nature of them forcing the athletes to do it, et cetera.

I thought he was just injured and old. Maybe that's it. Are all of the NBA stars going to be on the team? No, a bunch of them don't want to go. LeBron said he was kind of old and he's already won three gold medals, so he doesn't need to do it again. Chris Paul, same, needs to recover. Anthony Davis, also one, doesn't need to play. James Harden was going to play, didn't play. The one, the one player that didn't need to play and is there anyways, Kevin Durant. He's like, yeah, I'll go to Tokyo and keep playing basketball.

And I'm like, are you sure? You had a long season. He's like, ah, I got nothing to do. I'll go to fucking Japan. That's awesome. It's Kevin Durant and a few others. And then three people who are playing in the finals so devin booker drew holiday and chris middleton are all on the olympic team if this

series goes to seven it's like the game seven is on thursday of this week and then like the olympics begins three days later in tokyo so that's insane they all they all have to battle each other then take a private jet together, maybe across the world, and then start flying again together in a few days with a group of strangers that they've never played with before. That's bonkers. I mean, it's the Olympics. So even though, like, they always win handily, but it's still hard.

Not always. Yeah. Really? They used to. Yeah. They used to always win handily. And then more and more of the stars were like yeah we don't need to play and then it's like they started losing again like in 2000 or 2004 uh they either

didn't medal or finished in third or something because the world caught up the u.s got worse and then there was the redeemed team in 2008 where like kobe lebron duane wade they all like all right let's go back and win a champ we'll win a gold medal and they did then they did and then i think they did again in 2012 as well i see i see wow but now usa is like losing to these teams because like you look at like a team like slovenia they have like luka donchic and like four other like really good players that practice together and play together they're a lot better than like this random poopoo platter of not even all-stars that the usa is trotting out so it's going to be a lot more interesting great i'm excited uh all right here's a question what's your least favorite

animal asked julia barnfield i guess mine's a tie between uh ants and maggots i think yeah although it's maggot and animal or is it like a should i just say flies because that's what they somehow turn into um yeah i mean that's pretty that is definitely bad i think that i probably i mean mine is cockroaches i fucking hate those like fucking huge water bugs oh yeah which i think are different than cockroach i don't like cockroaches either but i think water bugs is the thing that i really hate can't you ever catch one in a glue trap um i've never laid out a glue trap i've seen them caught in glue traps um when i got my place in new york i saw i was looking at i was in the basement and there was a huge cockroach in a glue trap and i somehow wasn't deterred were you able to would you be able to

lift up a glue trap with a one or two cockroaches stuck on it and throw it away um yeah but i would be worried about it i would can i put it can i wrap it around like a paper towel or a cloth that's probably what i would want to do you could use a cloth but not a paper towel right as long as i don't have to see them as i'm like my fear would be like you with the bird like i pick up the glue trap and then somehow it like it rips off its leg and yeah digs his claw into my arm crawls into my skin that's what i that's what i'd like to avoid ideally yeah and then at a certain point you'd become much like kafka's metamorphosis a cockroach yourself that's right just like men in black vincent d'onofrio's role yeah yeah right exactly Right, exactly. What's Amir's best basketball card?

Asks Shifty Ameli. What's Amir's best basketball card? I believe it's a Ja Morant dunk. Is it not? Wow. That's the right answer for my NBA top shot, my best digital NFT basketball card. But he's asking about my best physical basketball card oh i see

is it the one i mean it's got to be the one you gave me the goat yeah lebron yeah it's not okay it's obviously not that's why i can't what's your best one it's a tie between a lebron rookie that i went in with with two other friends because it was too expensive and this Chris Paul rookie card that I got which was a rare one of 399 so I'm hoping it wins the championship a little bit um that's the time between Chris Paul and a LeBron rookie I thought you wanted the bucks I do kind of because I also bet on the bucks to win the championship a month ago so I got I got it from both sides if the Suns win then it's good for also bet on the bucks to win the championship a month ago. So I got, I got it from both sides. If the sons win,

then it's good for my card. If the bucks win, it's good for my bet. But I do find myself rooting for Giannis more than Chris Paul. Chris Paul is kind of a dickling and Giannis is like this really sweet, humble superstar. Right. Cool.

Did you watch the game on Saturday? Yeah. I had a great Saturday night cause I went out on Friday night. I was kind of hungover. And I just ordered food from my old favorite hangover spot in LA and I watched it in my hotel room. I sat in a robe, ate a cheesesteak, watched the game. It was awesome.

Yeah, God, the ending was historically amazing. That comeback and then the steal to the alley-oop. Oh my God. I missed it, but it sounded great. You missed the alley-oop? Yeah, I watched the first three quarters and then the highlights later. Wow.

Yeah, you really missed the best parts. Let's take another break. And I want to ask you about that Friday night where you raged harder than you have in years. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Okay. You came to LA on Wednesday. That's right. Left on Sunday. Correct.

Friday night, smack dab in the middle. You go out New York style, I'll call it. It is hot, heavy, crowded, sweaty, insane, intense. I'm not even there. I couldn't attend, slightly afraid to attend, you know, a huge maskless gathering of strangers. You fucking go belly first into the beast. Are you thinking about COVID at all

or are you too drunk to care? I wasn't thinking about it at all. I didn't think about it before I went out when I was drunk to care? I wasn't thinking about it at all. I didn't think about it before I went out when I was drunk or before I was drunk. So definitely not when I was drunk. So what was the party? It was a party called Candy Pop. And it was in a ballroom in like downtown la um there's like a stage um a huge dj booth a dance floor and they were playing songs from like the 90s and early 2000s um just every single top 40 hit you could want basically what we used to chase in every city we went to. Our goal was to find this Shangri-La. Yeah.

We were always looking for the nineties or like the early, really the early two thousands hip hop dance party. We wanted to go somewhere where they were playing big pimpin. That was the dream. Okay. So you get there. Are you late? Are you lit?

Is it already crowded? are you into it instantly um i was i so what did i do first on friday oh i so i hung out with the nadpod crew um we recorded some episodes we went out to dinner um and then i dropped my car at the hotel and I Ubered to Marty's. And I'd recorded, I'd eaten. I had my first drink and I'm like, he makes me a drink at his house. And I was like, I wonder how long I'm even going to stay out. Cohen came out to meet us. Marty had some other friends that were coming to the house.

I hope I don't disappoint everybody because I don't really feel like dancing. I'm probably just going to like hang for a little bit. You're kind of fried. Yeah. It's the end of a three day. Yeah. I wasn't worried about the crowds. I was just like, honestly, I was like tired. Had a drink.

We went to the club. Still like not even that excited. We get there though and there's a small line and i was right in front of a convenience store so i ran and i got a five hour energy and wow very new york style yeah the line the line was short it was only like five minutes and inside it was like half crowded like we were able to walk right up to the bar with no weight. There's like the dance floor. But like if you needed to go to the bathroom, you could like move through the crowd without touching anybody.

We got vodka Red Bulls. We took a shot. Wow, a shot. A fucking shot. A shot. When's the last time you took a shot? Just a straight up, let's get this into our system as fast as possible. Yeah. I mean, probably kind of of recently but it still feels really good i mean not in that environment yeah not not a shot with like you know your four guys at the bar there's a dance party in the other

room that's been a long time um and then we got another drink and i was like after that i went from not knowing if i wanted to go dancing to truly dancing by myself for three hours head down just in the zone didn't give a like every once in a while i would like get out put my arm around marty put my arm around coneone. We're like kind of dancing together. But I was just in it. It was so good. You're on like a natural drug, basically. Your brain was flowing happy chemicals that have been building up for months and months.

Didn't even realize how much I missed it. It was like one of those things that I didn't crave throughout. I was like, the things that i craved were way more simple like just hanging out with friends because i couldn't even do that um but then the last few months i've been hanging out with friends and what i hadn't had on the register was uh fucking rager and and here it is it was good it was good and it was funny because that night at midnight, the LA was like, all right, starting now you have to wear a mask indoors. So like this could be like the last huge dance party for a few months.

And you like timed it just right. Yeah. God, I feel bad. That's brutal for you guys. Or maybe people just like, no, we're not going to agree to doing that. And we're like, would this party just happen again? And next week,

nobody's going to like actually wear a mask there. Yeah. I wonder, I have no idea. It's, I mean, you would know better than me. Like,

but it seemed like the next day they had the mask mandate start or on Sunday. They had it start in, uh, and like everyone at the coffee shop where i'd been the day before no one was wearing a mask they're suddenly all oh no one was oh yeah yeah yeah they are the signs were back up on stores i think they stores want to keep their employees healthy right but i don't know what the fuck like bars are gonna no you can't require a mask at a bar like i think that's the weirder part because like the way bars always worked when they opened indoor dining, it's like you don't have to have a mask on when you're eating or drinking.

And it's like, put a mask on if you go to the bathroom. And it's like, yeah, that seems like a weird half measure anyway that couldn't have helped that much. It seems like it's going to be happening in other cities. It's just growing and growing. that much it's like i mean it seems like it's going to be happening in other cities like it's just growing and growing and like that's the first thing that you do is like say okay you have to wear a mask indoors again like right i would i would say most big cities will have it soon so i guess we'll find out what the fuck is gonna happen but like i just don't understand how you can do mask indoors at a restaurant where you don't have one when you're inside and it's just like you wear

one for like five percent of the time it's like if you stand up you have to put it on it's like that's not yeah happy to do it of course but it's it sounds like it can't be helpful there's no way that's like super good right maybe it's like yeah i don't even know. I just don't know. Let's find out. All right, here's a classic question that we get all the time. What is your dream car? Ooh, that's from Josh Carter. Dream car. My dream Carter.

I've got a couple. I've got a couple. I mean, we're fucking... I'm a gearhead, so i can't count how many times people have asked me about my opinion on my fucking goat whip yeah you the 1990 no the 1969 porsche carrera i'm fixing it up with my dad in the garage as we speak you have a hot don't you have a hot rod i'm working on building a hot rod yes it's a 54 chevy um man i get you well i so for a long time i had my dream car it was a 2000 toyota tacoma i since given it to my sister. She's got my dream car. I feel like, I don't know.

I feel like I don't care about fancy cars. I don't want a Mercedes or a BMW. I like early 2000s, just the same way I like my music, late 90s trucks.'s that's what i want part of me i think if i if i really had my druthers i'd have um a nice um old pickup truck again just just a nice tiny little uh weekend errand runner and a westfalia. That's, that's the,

that's like my dream car. I think how much the Westfalia that you can like sleep in. Yeah. Like a 1992 Westfalia Vanagon. That's what I want. I'm going to get you one just cause I have, I don't, I came into this huge chunk of cash, and I want to pay it forward.

I don't feel like... I just want a 71K. If it's paying, fine. Just so you know, if it's paying it forward, then that means you actually don't expect anything of me, and I'm supposed to do a good deed for someone else. I'm sure you'll hit me back. That's what I'm saying. You can pay it forward all the way around back to my ass. Yeah, I don't want to owe you.

You pay it forward so much. I don't want to owe you something. much i don't want to owe you something because you don't want kind you want some kind of favor you want me to be indebted to you you want me to have a favor i want that westfalia favor i don't want that's the big one i don't want to do anything for you you owe it to me i it's it's insane how little i care about cars and i guess i'm happy about it because i waste my money on shit like crypto and fucking collectibles that like i'm glad i don't care about cars and because i would just spend cars are a very expensive hobby if you have it like you you can spend a hundred thousand dollars

on a fucking tesla yeah and i'm like i i already feel bad that i like lease a fucking mediocre mazda for 250 a month i'm like i don't need even that like i can just fucking drive a ford focus i don't care i really i don't know what it's in me. It's in my brain. I never, ever, ever cared about what I have. Yeah. And that, but you care about it like being at least easy to drive. Yes, comfortable. But every car in 2020 is like nice and comfortable. I'll rent a car.

What if you just went and you were like, I'm going to try an Audi. I'm just going to drive an A4. And you're like, you like that i'm gonna try um an audi i'm just gonna drive an a4 and you're like yeah you like that more than a mazda it was smoother it was it was i can't imagine i can't imagine anything being smooth like i don't register the smoothness of my car and i don't register like the niceness of it either and i was like why would i pay double for a car that feels the same to me and i i was i brought in my car to get fixed and the guy's like oh mazda 3 i think that's my uh it's my favorite i'm like yeah it's nice and he's like do you use the paddle shifters i'm like no i don't know what any of the features are like i haven't turned i haven't activated or turned off

he's like sport mode i'm like nope normal. It gives you a little more control. Yeah, you feel the turns. I want to seize as much control as possible. Thank you. I don't want to feel the turns. My car should control me. Or I do. Yeah.

Give me a self-driving fucking, I don't know, what's the cheapest car? Is it a Ford Focus? Did I just make that up? A Toyota Yaris? A Yaris. It's got to be a Yaris. Give me an anything. I really, yeah.

I think it's because my dad also never cared, so I never had that. My brothers never cared. Your dad has a nice car, though. He's got a fucking convertible. He has a convertible, yeah. But he's not like, let me buy one and learn about the different kinds. Yeah. I always cared about the way cars looked, but I was lucky that I liked the way older cars looked.

Maybe it's because my family, we never bought new cars. They were always used. So when I was getting a car in like 2001 or something, like I wanted a 1990 car, Toyota Corolla. Yeah. I was like, oh yeah,

I want to get like a 94. Yeah. And when I came back to LA and I bought a car, I couldn't believe how like nice cars were now. Like no car has a fucking key that you turn on. I used to have a key that you turn on. Every car has a camera on the back. Very helpful.

Very great. I've gotten, I went from like, I was so analog with the Tacoma. I like, I loved having my key. And when I got my new car, I was, I didn't like having a fob. I didn't like the press button. But now, now I didn't even, I couldn't use the backup camera. I didn't know how, I didn't know how to do it. I didn't like the press button. But now, I couldn't use the backup camera. I didn't know how to do it. It made it harder for me.

Interesting. Now I could never go back. I drove my truck a couple weeks ago because my sister was home. And I fully, like, I was backing up. And I just, like, didn't know what to do. I looked directly at the console wanting uh wanting to see the camera yeah i have no idea like what what my i used to like you know they used to teach you like all right put your hand over here and like turn around all the way and like that's how you

back up or um parallel park now it's like do they teach kids not to turn around when they're parallel parking it used to have to be i wonder i guess they must but it did like i remember when i was learning it was so precise it was like the rear window needed to like line up with the line up yeah uh like brake lights and then you had to twist till your rear view mirror got um to their brake lights. To the back of the car. Yeah. But now it's like, I'm like vaguely guessing every single time. Because I'm like, oh, it doesn't matter. With a camera, I can course correct so easily. Also, you can, there's also cars where it's like, all right, line up your car and press this button. And it'll sort of do it for you.

So you don't have to worry about parallel parking. That's sad for me. Because I'm actually an incredible parallel parker. And I don't want my talent to become utterly meaningless. You're so small. I'm not small. I'm the parking king. You know that's how I refer to myself.

Yeah. DragoMXOS, what rules would you like to see changed in basketball or any other sport to make the game more interesting? I got one in mind for this one. For basketball? No, for soccer. Because I've been watching, I was watching the Euro Cup. Penalty kick should be worth half a goal. You shouldn't play for 88 minutes of intense soccer and that's

like the rest like i think he tripped him near there all right get a penalty kick which is like the equivalent of getting 55 free points in basketball like a goal is such a premium that to just give them away and then like another team actually gets a real goal and that's a tie no like that penalty kick was a lot easier than that like an amazing header so it should be penalty kicks are worth half and then i'll go so further as to say it was harry kane that missed a penalty kick and then the rebound came to him and then he scored the finish yeah that's that's a bullshit that you don't get to fucking i think that was harder he blocked your kick the finish was probably your finish was harder got it back in kick. He blocked your kick, and you're like, yes, I got it back in.

No, he just fucking got a rebound and scored. Like, you should get the penalty kick if it's blocked. You cede your time. You don't get to then, in addition to that, kick it in and then celebrate like you did something good. He fucked up. He should be ashamed and saddened. You have an issue with the rules of the sport. Kane and Sterling played within the rules.

Everyone played within the same rules. They benefited. But it wasn't his fault. He kicked. It was blocked. He had a beautiful putback, actually. Which, to finish on that, to react on that. That's what I'm saying.

I'm saying the putback in time was weak. That was beautiful football right there. Yeah, you get two little opportunities from point blank awesome you made the second one yeah but i mean i i agree in a way in a way i think wow you're not a real soccer fan no i mean well first of all at least i don't think you could like point to any one game and be like, that wasn't fair. Because I can't remember every single Denmark game, but like, I'm sure there were calls that they benefited from that the other teams didn't think that were fair. Everybody is like wins and loses by the same set of dumb rules. I don't like VAR.

I think that should be, I think that they should not adhere to it as strictly as they do. Right. And like the offside calls, when like a goal basically looks like it was incredible. And then they do that weird thing where they're like making the cross hatches

and they're like, actually his shoulder was just ahead of his toe. And it's like, that should not, you shouldn't overturn stuff like that. So on the margins, I don't think. Right.

I think that's bullshit. Yeah. I mean, replay is sort of a problem across any sport where it's like, if you slow it down, when he knocked the ball out, it actually touched his pinky at right before you knocked it out so it's actually off of you little shit like that yeah it's it's against the spirit of the role

even though it's scientifically accurate on a replay i don't like penalty kick shootouts and it's not just because england lost yeah i think that's it's such a weird it's its own game it's like settling the end of a soccer game by playing mario party it's or a basketball game by doing a free throw contest yeah it's just it's crazy i didn't and it's tough though because like i don't know what else you do you just keep on playing as they get exhausted yeah right that's harder but it still doesn't seem it ain't right it doesn't seem right maybe they play again what if they pack it up and play again tomorrow that's interesting i don't know i think that's how it works in aussie rules it's like if there's a tie they're like all right let's play again in a week or something like that that's amazing

in the finals yeah i mean i think that that seems okay for the finals to me it's like the i don't i don't know the drama is amazing so there is that i feel like if you're an italy fan everybody's probably like i love penalty kicks the drama was high i'm i won i feel amazing um yeah but anyone on the losing side it's just like a deflating way to lose a game uh all right good questions good answers good to see you again in the zoom it was a little weird to see you in person so this is yeah i prefer it this way this is nice back to where we are yeah i'm off to check on my maggots and ants uh thanks to you guys for writing in your theme songs and your questions too.

If I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song again, let's hear the second half of it was Alex Southie, who has a single to promote on Wednesday, July 21st called as close as you'll ever be. You can find it anywhere on his socials and streaming on that date so shout out to alex southie music or alex southie with an ey that's right and thanks to everybody that's supporting us on patreon uh new videos coming soon to our youtube

that's right that's patreon.com slash ja Yeah. And thanks to everyone who's supporting us there. And we will be back again with another testing, testing, a bonus Thursday episode this week. On Thursday last week, we did a spelling bee. This week, who knows what kind of crazy trivia. I'm grilling you on something. You're going to take the notary exam, the Connecticut State notary exam. We're going to fucking pass a bar exam. It's going to be a 24-hour episode.

That's right. Okay. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. You're not as funny as you think. You laugh along with your eyes closed And when they're open, no one's there

If I were you, show I'd probably laugh and host If I If I That was a Hiddem original.