Segments - 498: iCarly (w/Max and Ivan!)

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Headgum's newest podcasters, Max and Ivan join us to discuss guilty pleasures, open relationships, and their new show "SOUND DEALS."Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. If I were you, the shore If I were you, the shore Jay and I give a five

It's a five out of five Another gold of mine If I were you It's on Monday night It's a five out of five At least on UK time I did say if I were you If I were you Hello, hello, hello, hello, Jake and Emma. Thank you so much for having us. Thank you. Yes. What a joyous song.

I don't know if you guys can hear British accents in songs. It seems like as an American, I can't tell the difference if it's a Brit or an American singing. Is that a common musical phenomenon even there? I would say that there was a clear moment in my childhood when, like, it went... I think for a while, all pop music sounded... I think basically English people were being American when they sung when we were growing up. And then it kind of veered the other way

and people were like, no, we're going to have aggressively English accents that... We're gonna sing like this. Oh, yeah, you were thinking of Lily Allen. Oh, yeah. No, I were thinking of Lily Allen Oh yeah No I was thinking of The Arctic Monkeys Okay yeah yeah yeah

Used to get it in your fishnets Oh I didn't even know that they were British Did you not? No Well he's I mean Alex Turner has since Kind of gone American And gone obviously mad

So which is like the correct Rock and roll thing to do But no he's got that What's his like Have you heard his speech He was like this rock and roll Just doesn't end this rock and roll Well to do but no he's got that what's his like that have you heard his speech he's like this rock and roll just doesn't end this rock and well i know i'm not it's poetic poetic craziness it's exactly what you want it's what our leading front men need i don't want sitting you know sitting around normally they need to be off on a on a spiritual journey of

great great self-destructiveness that's right we need to live through these guys ideally yeah i wish we were playing a game like where we listen to songs and jake and i would have to guess is this person british or american that's for yeah that's for next time unfortunately i didn't think about that game until now okay so i'll just i'll just sing uh okay you're gonna sing a song in in the style of the singer okay wait you're gonna sing it in the style of the singer. Wait, you're going to sing it in the style of the singer, or are you going to sing one of their songs? Both, both. Okay. And then you've got to guess. Wow.

Okay, so this is an a cappella karaoke version. Okay, and for some reason, the only song that comes to my head at this particular moment is I know a girl with a golden touch. What's that? It has to be. With lyrics like that? That was absolutely British.

Especially coming out of your mouth. A golden touch. Yeah. Golden touch. Why do you think that's quintessentially British? Do you think it's like it's old Cockney street slang? Actually, I think it was. Oh, no, wait.

No, I'm totally. Yeah. No, it's British. It's British. It is indeed. It is indeed British. I believe that is Razorlight. It is Razorlight. Did you just take a sip of tea?

I mean, my God, you're tipping your hand. That was, what is that? Is that an old cuppa, as they call it? Listen, governor, when you're recording a podcast in London town, you've got a banger gong, and then the mayor comes out of his wooden hut and he gives you access sing the national anthem thrice he sings it thrice and that's a british song and and make no mistake about it we can't have a british guest on with me just fantasizing

about the accent like i i'm never gonna be over the accent i don't know what it is i just can't they talk different they talk different than us. And it's fascinating. And it's good to remark upon. Well, listen, we like to be hospitable. We could swap accents for the entire podcast if you like. Wow. Yeah, let's hear your American, though.

Okay, great. Well, so we're here with Jake and Amir. It's great to have you guys on the podcast. Thank you so much for coming. Hey. Wow. That's pretty good. And I'm, well, I'm not.

And I've got a golden touch. Oh, no. Sorry. yeah yeah and i'm uh well i'm not and i've got a golden touch oh no sorry it was so it was so convincing until the quintessentially british catchphrase came out what about adele is she oh yeah so actually so adele adele does have i'd say adele sings with she's got an amazing dichotomy because she she sings with this kind of unplaceable transatlantic probably slightly american-y um voice but then she talks like a little street i'm from tottenham i'm from oh yeah i'm adele she's great that's i think that's partly why everyone loves her so much because she's i had no idea i had no i thought she was from michigan yeah right no way i mean

she could be and she's she's like she's huge she's she's the best but uh yeah um all right so this is an advice show wait did you tell did you say who wrote the song did we we often forget to give the we solicit songs from fans they do amazing work and then about half of the time we don't thank them or give them credit yes no at the moment the only person who's been credited thus far is razor lights johnny burrellrell. And I think that needs to be- I'm really hoping that he wrote this song because- Because then- It all ties it up in a neat bow. Then there'll be egg on your face.

This was, it was Joe Wackett from the UK. That's why I chose that song specifically. He says he has some great music up on Spotify SoundCloud under the name Joe Wackett. W-A-C-K-E-T-T. So if we can shout it out. And shout out to my brother, George, who's watched every Jake and Amir episode twice. Wow. Thank you, Joe and George.

A Joseph and a George combo. Nice. Look at Joseph and George. English and a double act. Yeah. I mean, epic. I couldn't hear the accent there either. So he's sort of an Adele type.

Yeah, he's more Adele. Yeah, yeah. He's more of an Adele than a yeah he's more adele yeah yeah he's more of an adele than a that i'm not saying than a jb we can move on from that yeah yeah uh all right we're looking for um we're reading real emails from real people this is i should say if i were you an advice show sometimes just me and jake answering questions sometimes we have friends today we have head comes newest podcasters, again, from, it is London, right? You guys are in London right now.

Absolutely. We are in London right now. Fuck yeah. All right. From London, Max and Yvonne. Oh, yeah. Buckingham Palace podcast studio itself. This is a question sent from a man, an American man born in 1991.

I don't know if that helps color this vision of this man in your mind's eye, but we need a fake name, something we can refer to him as so that we can keep him completely anonymous so either max or yvonne do you guys have an american man's name we can call this guy chad great you're saying there's no chads over there no it's absolutely not there is not not also um whilst whilst um uh right this is a very quick question sorry uh talking about american names in my school we had uh we had two americans come over for one term and one of them a boy was called carol and we all we all we all um what bullied him is he about to yeah, we all bullied him because it was a girl's name.

But his argument was it was a boy's name because double R, double L, dude. So I just wanted to double check. Is double R, double L, Carol a boy's name? No, you were right to make fun of that man. I can't get it. He had a girl's name. He didn't even have a name. It was important for you to sort of shame him. Carol with two r's and two l's isn't a spelling of anything that's yeah he should

have been bullied for the extra letters that that they threw in there yeah the letter i think the letter the letters is what does it for me more way carol is a surname i've heard carol as a surname uh with two r's and two L's. Yes, absolutely. No, it was twins called Carol and Perry. Interesting. Anyway, on to Chad. Hold on, because now that we've established that Carol was rightfully bullied, we should probably try to reach back out so Amir and I can bully him as well. There was a famous actor in America

named Carol O'Connor who played Archie Bunker like in the 70s and 80s. And his name was Carol Indeed with two R's, two L's. But this guy shouldn't have relied on people knowing that. So yeah, let's go back to bullying him indeed.

Okay. I respect that even asan starts to mount that he has a valid name your thesis remains ultimately unchanged in light despite this evidence yeah let him know that we do know about carol o'connor and that's more the exception in the rule and is the exception we actually considered it yeah we considered it and you don't have you don't have a name or a leg to stand on have a name to us 100 anyway let's call this guy chad yeah chad carol chad cow recently the tv show i carly was revived on paramount tv i was a little too old to watch the show when it came out originally but my little sister liked it so whenever i came home from college we would watch it together and

that's a small place in my heart uh which is why I would like to watch the revival. When I brought it up to my wife that we need a subscription to Paramount TV to watch iCarly, she said that we didn't need another subscription to a streaming service, but also kind of teased me for wanting to watch iCarly. I will admit it's a guilty pleasure, but the more she teased me about it, the more I felt lame wanting to watch it. And at the end, she said, go for it. But now I'm starting to think maybe I should not be watching iCarly.

Should I just watch the revival opener proudly or watch it at night once my wife goes to sleep, ready to change the channel if she were to enter the room? Or should I just forget about it? I've been watching clips of the revival and I feel like I'm missing out. Thanks for all your help. Thanks. Love, carol right oh it's carol's a nickname not a surname yeah carol's a nickname three r's five l's okay great uh did you guys have this show over there i carly or is that a purely american thing that didn't make its way? I vaguely am aware of iCarly, but just as a name. So could you explain to us what it is? Yeah, can you? Were you a fan?

I was also a little, I was too old. I was a little too old. Like, is iCarly the same as Hannah Montana? Like that range of like shows where it was like a Disney afternoon show in the early 2000s, I think. Yeah. I think that's...

I didn't... I also... I just missed iCarly. I was like, tail end, sweet life of Zack and Cody. That was the last thing I saw. Right. You know? But the larger issue is, should this man be ashamed to watch this children's show?

So it's... And should he pay for Paramount TV, which is a new subscription service, to watch this children's show and should he pay for paramount tv which is a new subscription service to watch it got it and i carly uh does it matter does it i i'm still not fully clear on the premise does it matter what the premise was i mean no i have no idea what it's about but i believe it was starring miranda cosgrove who is a disney tweenager um and maybe she had a vlog and some friends that's my guess that's what i would guess that's that okay i built okay let's build this out we can this is good okay it was internet related because it was like i carly she was like the first lady that like yeah either webcasted or maybe she was trapped inside of a computer no here here's the logline unless

you guys want to build it out because i i have the answer so okay what's the answer the answer i'm let's get into it i want to know the truth carly and her pals web show is a smash hit now they must balance internet stardom with the struggles of everyday high school life there you go i feel like the the four of us could really relate to that. We're four dudes that had internet web shows that were smashing successes. And it was hard for me to balance high school life at the height of Jake and Amir

because I was seven years removed from high school, but still. You're 27. Definitely not high school life for you, right? I was hanging out at them so it's hard to balance yeah for sure well likewise look i mean guys look you know the first two episodes of our podcast dropped an hour ago and life just hasn't been the same since yeah it's like pretty exciting now that sound deals is on it's on the radio waves how

will you guys go back to high school it's gonna going to be so different. Well, I get like, yeah, we're going to have to limit our regular visits to high school. I'm worried they won't let me in. Yeah. They probably shouldn't. They definitely should not let you in, regardless of the podcast. Even if you go once or twice. Yeah, no, I agree. We're all on the same page um but but should but should our boy chad be allowed in to the

wonderful world of carly i guess broader speaking do you guys have a guilty pleasure that you like watching while your significant other is not in the room like is there a show that you save for solo viewing um pornography a group viewing yep pornography i haven't seen that show but it sounds pretty good yeah what street what streaming service is that on iporn yeah i remember that's probably not heard of that one um i think i think i watched the majority of my professional wrestling uh in a in a solo capacity um yeah yeah sports is a common one yeah yeah it's been uh you know girlfriends have been like obliging over the years and like giving it a go but i i almost feel bad at their like extending themselves and the goodwill of them sitting down at like the royal rumble when i'm

excitedly like and it's basically 30 people and honestly all of these storylines just culminates in this incredible yeah that no one else should have to deal with my on a disappointment scale um if if a wife were to walk in and find a husband watching a pornography b professional wrestling or c i carly which do we think would be the most disappointed well obviously your wife walked in on you masturbating to professional wrestling the other day which was i mean that was that was a separate i'm glad you went with that and not i carly quite no no no um so she's um she's she's laughing at him for watching a girl's show, right? She's having a laugh.

Having a laugh. Sorry? Yeah. That's pretty good. Well, I feel like it. Oh, Maxi Devon just actually froze. Okay. You guys froze for a second, but it was.

It happened right at Jake's accent. So it seemed like you were just sort of really, really mad at him for saying that. No, not at all. Well, we're getting a sign saying our connection is unstable. We've got steam-powered internet in London, Governor. So it's, you know, got to top up the... Throw some more coal onto the router. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes.

So let's just see your genuine reaction, Jakeake let's hear that line again just so we can see what how they actually i think what i said what i had said was you having a laugh um yep there's okay they laugh they yeah they actually really that's great okay beautiful yeah can we get another just another set anything Yeah. What do you think, governor? That's pretty good. That's beautiful. That's actually really good. That's really beautiful, man. Hey, thank you for sharing that.

Yeah, thank you for sharing that. Forget it. That was really proud. I'm proud of you. It's so weird. I feel privileged to have been a part of that. I appreciate it. It's crazy.

Yeah, I think it really speaks to my British experience although, you know, it kind of really speaks to my British experience and makes me almost understand myself more having heard that, so. Wow. I'm really glad that it feels like this, that created, it fostered a really powerful connection between all of us.

I'm humbled by your reaction. That's pretty cool, man. There it is. What was that? man there it is what was that and we're out for me that really that actually kind of teetered over into what I would consider quite offensive and I I feel myself

really retracting away and kind of damaged by that's going to happen when you do an accent on the of damaged by that's gonna happen when you when you yeah um do an accent on the razor's edge that's why you guys loved it so much at first but i teetered i fell yeah nice i pushed for the edge i found the edge i fell into the abyss yeah it's an iconoclastic kind of you know you're you're i'm an anti-hero uh yeah essentially this is your origin story uh all right so basically is there any shame to watching a guilty pleasure you don't you don't have to feel everybody's got their things

whether it's professional wrestling pornography no i don't know jake what do you watch when jill's not around more than anything it's oh i watch um formula one drive to survive the uh formula one documentary that i think is phenomenal um yeah everyone is really good but here's but jill doesn't like the loud noises on that show so i watch it by myself in the bath and uh in bath but something so i have some a thought on this is that um uh jill was watching that documentary cheer and i wasn't interested and i didn't want to watch that's what is that brilliant yeah it's a cheerleading documentary and i've heard it it's uh guys i've watched it and it's amazing so get on get on board and here's what happened like i wasn't interested jill was watching i guess you

could say it was kind of a guilty pleasure, but it's like critically acclaimed. So not really. But anyway, I was just around. I eventually get sucked in to the point where I was watching the last episode knowing nothing, and I fully cried. So I'm positing that this guy should sign up for the Paramount Plus free trial. You get seven days for free. I did it to watch Sonic Underground. And he can burn through the full season of iCarly.

Watch it publicly. No shame. And your girlfriend is going to get sucked in. And you won't have to worry about watching it alone. Sorry. What is Sonic Underground? For the D&D podcast, I had to watch a Sonic the Hedgehog animated series where he has a girlfriend and a brother. And Dr. Robot.

He has a brother named Manic. I had to. This is an interesting thing. I'm just thinking, the fact that you said it was for something, that kind of gave you an out if we judged you for watching it. I had to do it for work. You had to do it for work. So this guy gets some sort of job or assignment. We can dare him right now to watch iCarly,

and then he has this out. It wouldn't be hard for him to be the iCarly writer for BuzzFeed or AV Club, right? Yeah, get on that beat get a job yeah i've listen i've i've written for magazines and papers in my time and all manner you know it's the it's the universe you've got to do it for work you've got to do it for work it's easy um yeah just get a stable job in the media reporting on exclusively i carly um you can you can expense your uh you can expense your paramount subscription for one thing.

That's tax-wise. And you can binge it. You can binge the whole series because you have a deadline. Yeah. And you have to watch it with her specifically because she has to sort of like help you copy-edit the piece that you're writing for The New Yorker. It's a co-byline.

iCarly. Oh, wow. He got a gig at The New Yorker for this. Yes, he did. He really caught David Remnick on a good day. He he got a he got a gig at the new yorker for this this is yes he really caught david remnick on a good day back door listen yeah he started to do the cartoons and then they pitched him to work on this i carly can you an irreverent sort of cheeky column about him and his wife can you give him just a sample lead for this article that he's writing um like how would what would the lead sound like it would be like i my marriage was falling apart and when i realized that uh i carly should be we carly and

it's like whoa that's pretty this is all part of the lead whoa that's pretty interesting and there's two thought wait yeah yeah so it's a it's a quote attributed to i think the way but i'm gonna have just like my english accent you had me at first i was really on board i was in then i was out then it became an attributed quote to someone else and then um yeah it's like we then what i want to see is the tv spin-ff version, which is based on this article. On the New Yorker article. In a kind of Sex and the City-esque way that he's writing about iCarly. So Chad becomes Carrie Bradshaw.

Yes. Yeah. Classic New York iCarly columnist. Yeah. In between meeting the gals. It's called iCarly. Yeah. Yeah. meeting the gals i iCarly yeah yeah because it's like roman numeral two car i iCarly with uh two r's and six l's yeah i'm starring chad o'carroll yeah starring chad i have a very ignorant question do you guys do you guys have every streaming service we have

in america without without knowing for sure i will say a hundred thousand percent no we definitely know no way because i keep i keep seeing stuff that is available on hbo max and we just don't have that over here we don't have that you couldn't even get it like hulu netflix do you have those yeah we've got netflix with a slightly different offering um i think we have hulu i don't know we're like i i guess neither of us have hulu clearly um we don't i know for a fact that the the wwe network is now uh switching over to nbc's you guys have peacock in which you do have no we don't have peacock we still have the wwe network i'm using the non-royal we to just mean wow um disney plus we got disney plus yeah we got disney plus which now has its own like extra bit inside it doesn't it like disney's super vip premium or something

i currently should be on disney that's good to know wasn't it a disney show yeah why would you know the the the fucking the bidding war that happens between these giant empires i think they probably paid close to a billion dollars paramount did for the rights to i carly no doubt no doubt sequels residuals it's a huge industry uh so that's it get a job learn how to watch without any guilt and repercussion and try to get paid for it uh let's take a break yeah and uh thank some sponsors we'll be back on the other side of these messages with max and ivan quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm

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will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one,one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. All right, Max, Ivanivan tell us quickly you have

let's say 45 minutes what is sound deals about as a podcast but you got to keep it within the 45 yeah no one's ever asked us to compress it to that length of time before right is it even worth giving it a go within those parameters let Let's give it the best of British. I'll start the timer now and cut you off in an hour and a half. Okay, great. It's going too long. We will give it the best of British. Do you guys have QVC?

Yes. Yeah. Great. It is a QVC style show. We took it upon ourselves over lockdown to set uh the world's first ever podcast shopping network uh we are both gainfully employed by the shopping network and each week we sell a number of items that people may not have heard of before uh we sell them as best we can and we have guests on who also have exciting uh potentially unheard of things that they share with the world too

it's mainly aimed at podcast fans who they skip through to the adverts and then they listen to that and then they and then they just you know go to a different podcast and then they skip to the adverts again yes the entire the i mean the entire show is nothing but an advert the entire the entire time so if you you know if it's the commerce side of the emergent podcast industry that, that, that you get off on, then you will absolutely adore our show. All right. Our fans actually famously love the ads. I often hear that people don't,

that this show doesn't have enough ads. So it sounds like your show is perfect. Well, I mean, that, that's why it felt like a perfect partnership. That's why, that's why,

you know, the Max and the van, Jake and I'm a head gun marriage felt like one made in, in commercial heaven. Americans love cash. That's why the Max and the Van, Jake and I, my headgun marriage felt like one made in commercial heaven. Americans love cash. That's why. They love to hear that people are making money, getting that paper, making that cheddar. And so they call it the American dream. Those two things.

Yeah. It's just awesome to see. It's inspiring, really. Like I'm reading these comments about our podcast and how the ads are so good. And I'm like on the verge of tears being proud again here i go i can't fucking believe i guess it's that time of the month or something but i'm feeling super sensitive to all this shit with regards to the ads and it's just the feedback is so fucking promising thank you guys and thank you guys for listening thank you for being part of that journey with us you shouldn't be reading the comments

while we're recording the episode. It's beautiful. There's nothing more touching than capitalisms. I'm getting them in as push notifications. Yeah, 100%. How is that capitalism going over there? Is it as unfiltered, unadulterated, and chaotic as it is here? Or are you guys a little more chill about the fact that you should make money

as much money and then die? I would say no one in England has kind of managed to mainline capitalism quite as hard as the Uber driver who drove us around LA and no fewer than four times turned back to us and repeated the phrase, I'm a monster for the money, man, I'm a monster for the money, man.

I'm a monster for the money. And then when he found out that we were actors, he gave us his headshot. Yes, yes, yes, indeed. And he told us that he too was an actor. Absolutely. And a monster for the money. So we're still number one is what you're trying to say. Oh, nobody does it better than you guys.

You know, we're giving it a go. You know, our government's pretty free market capitalist. You know, they're kind of doing it on the sly, you know, gradually replacing our famous and beloved socialized health care system with, you know, just a series of profit making private companies that will kill us all. But we're nowhere near as far down the line on that front. We're trying. We're trying. And we're hoping that our podcast will contribute to that journey of our country and the degradation of...

Become a monster. Monster for the money. Yes. We're not yet monsters for the money. We're currently Dr. Jekylls for the money, but we'd like to become Mr. Hydes for the money. Yeah. You're Bilbo Baggins right when he reaches for the money you know we're currently dr jekyll's for the money but we'd like to become a mr hides for the money yeah you're you're bilbo baggins right when he reaches for the ring all right proto's neck yeah yeah we're for the money we're hoping the money will allow us to become more monstrous that's the that's the kind of the quest that we're i was gonna say you see

it working out so well in america and i don't blame you guys for wanting that out there as well for us we have no you know no criticisms not a single thing makes us blink or think that a country should be run in any any way differently to literally everything you you guys are doing we're like we all have no notes for us it's just that from this studio it's a big old tit guys we want to get into production you know what i mean uh so yeah i love that the character arcs are all pinging it's a big old tit guys we want to get into production you know what i mean uh so yeah i love that the character arcs are all pinging it's jumping off the page or pitching a perfect game it feels pretty cool this yeah this is shack shack style behavior from from you guys as a country totally this 400 year experiment is is working out and it is paying dividends and it is good it's pretty neat it is

good um okay so on your podcast uh the there's like there's a it's is it a random word generator that gives you guys the products that you're selling or is that really good question no uh the random word generator's name is hugh and he's my brother and he is also the the sound engineer um of the show but our our vision is that um is that eventually the sound deals listeners will start to contribute products of their own um able to sell those and then we'll and we'll enthusiastically sell those and so will our guests that's nice that that's that's the long term uh that's the long term plan and is Hugh coming up with them on the spot or is in advance? No, as far as I understand it, he withdraws to his home and ingests quite a number of substances.

And then the next day kind of emerges blinking into the daylight with a list. But the crucial thing is we like we you know, we don't see we we never see this list because he's got to keep him. He keeps him, keeps himum keeps him in his pocket and then we get him flashed up uh and he doesn't tell you any he doesn't tell you what the product is he doesn't tell you anything about what he thinks it does he just gives you the word we figure it out on the spot yeah what it is and why why you should buy it absolutely yeah just i yeah i get quite paranoid i like to not i like to not not have even a whisper or a hint of whereas whereas i hack into hugh's account i i find out what it is then i spend maybe in a couple of weeks just brainstorming yeah they're bawling yeah so

what you're actually listening to is the world's first 50 improvised 50 a man meticulously planned to a script in his own mind that he's not shared with me which is why we think you'll find the listening experience very very discordant and unsettling because it truly makes no sense and we've got some great guests as well we sure do yeah i mean between those two things i feel like there's something for everybody we hope so no it's yeah it's uh yeah yeah, it's totally off the cuff and improvised. But it's, I don't know, a strange and magical world has started to grow around the Sound Deals warehouse where we, from whence we sell all of our products. Interesting. Oh, and the other key element of the show is that Ivan, as part of his contract, agreed to test every single one of the products on himself.

For 30 days. For 30 days. The sound deal's guarantee. It's the guarantee. So whatever product we happen to be selling in the warehouse, Ivan will have first-hand experience of that bad boy. And happily. Well, sweet. Well, thank you guys for joining the HeadGum Network.

And I'm sure if you guys like this show, you'll thoroughly enjoy it. So, Amir, you cut me off. We've actually got another 41 minutes to explain the show. Oh, my God. I feel so rude. But you know what?

I'm trying to get through as many ad breaks as possible. That's why I'm sort of trying to hurry this along. That's the sound deals way. We endorse that. I applaud it. We're a monster for the money, man. We're monsters for the money, man. We're monsters for the money. How did you get the same Uber

four times? That seems like some sort of weird coincidence. He just worked very hard. You heard the guy, man. Don't you believe him? I guess if he drops you off and then waits he's gonna be the closest driver yeah for sure i heard there was search pricing around here yeah yeah

yeah he was the hardest working uber driver in la he was picking everybody up that day um all right let's get through another question uh this guy is uh inquiring i think he's also british because he ends it with a cheers mates so that's that's let's give this guy a british question oh actually a lady a british uh british name for this lady a lady's british name petunia okay a 90 year old ladies what were you gonna go what was your we can choose oh what well what's quintessentially british though because i do feel like elizabeth the queen's name the greatest name sorry i i forgot to uh salute yeah lizzie yeah lizzie yeah i could see the tears welling in your eyes even even across this low resolution zoom

she's done so much for the country lizzie lizzie she's so stoic lizzie mcguire right i've been with my guy for 10 years believe it or not 100 happy recently i looked over his tabs on our shared computer and saw that he's been subredditing because he wants to open up our relationship i think he's into the idea because he's been going on a version of Buddhism recently, and this feels like a natural progression. Makes sense to me. I've been in a polyamorous relationship before, and it suits me well. My question is, assuming he brings it up, should I go for it, knowing it would make me happy, but also fearing that he may not be able to handle it in the long run? I really, really don't want to ever break up with him.

Personally, I think it would be dope and possible. But for our long-term odds, should I say no? Or is this a yo-lastico situation? You only live and steal the cheese once, is the acronym there. What would you do if you were me? Cheers, mates. Love, Lizzie. Cheers, indeed.

Cheers, indeed. Cheers, Lizzie. Cheers, indeed. Cheers, indeed. Cheers, Lizzie. Not where I thought it was going. What a rollercoaster. There were twists and turns in that message. I could not have predicted any of the things that were said. Absolutely. And I love you, Lizzie.

Do you guys have open relationships over there? It seems like another American concept that sort of is infiltrating other democracies open relationships not a buddhist a buddhism concept like lizzie mentioned yeah well that yeah that that was one of the many many twists his tab what it was then the fact that she was into it the fact that he was into it by buddhism the fact that she was worried but not for the reason i thought because she was gonna she's way more up for it than his or she perceives that she might be. This is like an episode of iCarly. I know. One of the later seasons when they were over 10 or something.

I do. I feel like, you know, I feel like the Xennials of the UK are like all in one big open relationship that's a guess uh i feel like uh millennials such as we are kind of dimly aware of the open relationship vibe but it hasn't really permeated and then i think you go older and there are slightly uh sweaty men with ponytails uh on on kind of yoga retreats who sort of attempt to be in an open relationship with anyone uh right who'll go near them yeah they're they're down for an open relationship but can't find even even one closed yeah they're just i'm open open to open relations yes they're now yes yeah they're vaguely predatory men i suppose um but uh it sounds as though Lizzie and her fella are both British and both

exploring the brave I was going to say uncharted, it sounds like they're both charting these terrains. Yeah, Lizzie charted it Lizzie was charting this thing. And she charted it so happily that she's worried that he can't keep up. Oh yeah, no she's cool

she's been on that Buddhismdhism open relationship tip since before this guy was even interested via subreddit yeah and um forgive me for my total ignorance but what on earth does buddhism have to do with open relationships because i kind of thought zero speaks very highly yeah of loving all things, whether it be man, animal, plant. And it goes on from there. I spent like a few years in Tibet studying this stuff. No, you did not. Kind of being like a freelance monk.

Getting close to the Buddha. A freelance monk. Slash. Nice. You didn't want the monk corporate nine to five monk life in a big firm. I mean, it was a little too much and there wasn't a lot of money in it. So cash-wise, I was sort of turned off at the end of the day that the Buddha did not necessarily line up with my values.

You were Airbnb-ing your room at the monastery, right, to try to make a change on the side. Yes, right, yeah, yeah. I was leasing it out to Tibetan music festivals and video producers and stuff like that. Well, it was a huge room, wasn't Yeah, yeah. I was leasing it out to Tibetan music festivals and video producers. Well, it was a huge room, wasn't it? It was a gigantic room. It was an enormous room.

Yeah, they gave me the sickest suite. It was like a two-bedroom sort of place, hillside with views of Buddha. So I was like set up pretty cherry over there. Free Tibet? No, Surge Tibet. Surge Price. That's right yeah um so if she really really does not want to lose her man it seems like she shouldn't risk this open relationship she knows

more than we do it could be great that's crazy i mean all i'm hearing is two people who uh clearly bang up for an open relationship i mean the the uh the sense to me uh when i became an expert having watched one louis through documentary about open relationships um is that there's almost always one party who is clearly clearly way more into it and the other one is kind of there under duress and what i like about this potential relationship is that i think this guy is going to be stepping into it thinking that he's more into it but then lo and behold lizzie well is it amps it up yeah um but surely that means he's maybe he will want to match the amount she's into it. Match it by finding other partners and just gradually driving a wedge between them as they essentially end up in separate bedrooms with separate sex lovers or.

OK, well, if that's what you think poly life is. Well, OK, that's slightly. I love this. Sorry, man. Sorry, man. Seems to have touched another. Tell me about... I mean, I really don't know

because I am married to one woman for the rest of my life. How old school? I'm pretty sure there won't be any subreddit scrolling and I'm pretty sure there won't be any conversations. No, there won't. any conversations uh no they won't so i don't know but you know i do feel like ultimately if they're both on a quest together then they can fulfill each other yeah yeah that's beautiful for sure like such i mean it's wrong but it's really beautiful it's really cool you gotta you gotta

just both go for it right isn't buddhism all about the death of the ego so only only when you are you know stood in a bar watching your girlfriend on a date with someone else or receiving your fourth text message of the week saying uh have dinner on your own i'm busy only then will you truly know to what extent you have annihilated your ego or to what extent it's just getting a pummeling with steel toe cap boots yeah all right how about how about a a quick uh what would you do if you were this lady i would say i would not open it up. It seems too sticky. This girl seems to really like this guy, and why risk it? So I would say no go. Jake?

I would 100% do it. He wants it. She wants it. The only problem is that it's going to be too good for her, so that's not a real problem. All right. So that's one for, one against. Yeah, kill the ego. M&I.

Feed the Buddha. What do you guys think? Unleash theha within you i i if i were her i would give him one one chance at a get out i'd sit across the table and go i found your tabs don't panic i'm down but look me in the eye i am down can you can you keep up they need a safe word to to just stop yeah yeah like if you want it we can do it and if not i don't have to it's over to you yeah she should download download bumble or hinge or tinder or orion our dating app and uh build out a profile get a ton of matches

go to your boyfriend or whatever your husband whatever, whatever it is. Uh, and just be like, are you ready? Do I have the green light? Let's go. Oh, uh, sorry. Those tabs weren't mine. Uh,

my friend was using my computer. What? Yeah. No, maybe she should wait for him to broach the subject just in case and wait for him to be ready to open it up, but then have that caveat in her back pocket

that's pretty prudent that's very prudent if it gets broached Lizzie and Yaman I wish you well it's an exciting time for you both alright good work let's take one more break we have one more question to get through

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Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we have returned. Okay, one last one. This is a pretty fairly innocuous question, but I thought, you know, let's answer questions big and small. This one is a 25-year-old woman from Dallas, Texas. And what better name for her than Max or Ivan?

What do you got? Just for the listener at home, Ivan, to get himself into character, I'm watching him holding what is clearly an invisible Stetson. Yes, that's quite right. A sombrero and i'm imagining hi hi hi oh yes that sounds like a 25 year old texan woman all your name suggestions are 90 how'd you do my name is sally sally sally sally not bad not bad a long walk but it was worth it absolutely it was a real journey that all right listen to listen to this texan beginning hey y'all

classic so far i'm a 25 year old woman from dallas and my problem is so small my pandemic hobby has been crocheting and i've gotten pretty good at it i've made lots of cute clothing items and i've posted it to my Instagram because I'm proud of them. My friends and family and acquaintances have all been asking in the comments section and DMs for me to crochet them things. Some even offered to pay. But here's the thing. I don't want to make shit for other people. This hobby's fun because there's no pressure.

I can make whatever I want, and it doesn't have to be perfect because it's my own. The idea of making things for other people kind of stresses me out. And I legit don't want to make things for other people. I want to make them for me. Is there a non-asshole way to tell people no? Right now I'm just ignoring these requests because people are starting to follow up. What would you do to help? I absolutely love this.

And can I instantly give you a potential solve? Yes. Okay. You find an Etsy shop that does basically what you're doing. Then you say, hey, look, I don't want to advertise this, but because you've contacted me, this is my Etsy shop. It's under a different name. But just go through that.

And then you just let them i literally i mean i really thought you're about to say and then you broker a deal with the etsy shop so that you just get a load of money and that is capitalism monster for the money man yes i'm a monster for the buy etsy shit that's just free money sell it at a fucking premium. Yeah. Or you do my first idea, which is just pass on the business to someone else. Just give it all away. Perfect. No. That is excellent.

Absolutely. Now we're fucking on the same page. Yes, we've corrupted you fully. Let's do this shit. Sally, you've got to make that American dollar. Everything's bigger in Texas. Your bank balance needs to be bigger and you and you should not do a single bit of work you shouldn't lift a finger you're crocheting for yourself only it's me myself and i that's the american dream no one should benefit from your skills if they want crochet they should

learn to crochet themselves it's disgusting you You get paid by being the middleman. That's how we make the money. I broker the transaction and I get a fee. That's the shit. That's real work. That's beautiful work. Actually, you owe Yvonne 5% of everything you make for that. Just the suggestion, I think.

Absolutely. You have to Venmo him. For sure. Unfortunately, we don't have Venmo over here. But, you know, if you just keep it in a little pot. Give it to me. And when I'm in Dallas, I'll come find you. It'll be very soon.

Very, very soon. Oh, he'll be over. No doubt. All right. That was a quick one but i can't imagine a better answer than that jake do you have any quarantine hobbies that you don't want to share with people um quarantine i'm taking baths and watching uh race car documentaries that's been my main yeah my main shit but i you know i instagram live that so um i don't have a problem sharing it

nice that's content for sure by By the way, check out Jake's OnlyFans. He takes one bath every week, answers your questions, sort of squeezes his little junk underneath his suds. It's awesome. Cool it. Easy does that. Squeezing my little junk

under the sun, did you say? No, the suds. suds all right cool yeah never mind yeah all right i have no qualms with that then uh all right sweet thank you for your questions thanks for this theme song submissions the email address for all that shit is if i were you show at gmail.com max and yvonne thanks for taking the time i'm in la jake's in new york you guys are in england holy shit we did it wow we sure did we lived the dream it was an absolute pleasure thanks boys again the name of the podcast is yes name of the podcast is sound deals and it is out now first two eps baby damn two episodes hell yeah yeah so uh listen to

that and uh we'll be back, of course. I think we got another bonus episode Thursday this week. And if not for that, then we'll be back next week on Monday. Thanks so much. Goodbye. Namaste. Cheers and toodaloo, everybody. Oh, wait.

Cheerio, mate. The closing theme song. I totally forgot. The opening theme song was Joe from the UK. And this closing one, I have it. It's a duck-themed song. Somebody wrote us a duck-thing-themed song. If you use it, please shout out Goon, Green, and Claire Compuzzi and their album, Duck, available on Bandcamp and Spotify.

Follow Goon.green on instagram probably more of an outro than an intro song all right so all right thank you yeah thank you to uh goon green and clara compuzzi for that song here it is duck thing bye let me guess, the duck thing. Very wrong. The second duck thing. Sin of darkness. Sin of darkness. You can do work with a man like this. That's a duck.

Yeah, we'll be down that side. Okay, I'm taking a hit on the duck thing, the high school track fiasco thing, and the second duck thing. Kind of stemmed from the first duck thing, which, correct me if I'm wrong, you said you'd take the hit on? Twisted mountain, bumpy boring, Chucky stepping down a hole Fizzy angry mountain, soggy lump of wax in a wooden box Twisted mountain, bumpy boring, Chucky stepping down a hole Fizzy angry mountain, soggy lump of wax in a wooden box That was a Hiddem Original.