Segments - 499: Olympics

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

In this episode we discuss telling the truth, keeping in touch with an ex, and celebrating life's little victories.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. I think this could be an episode where I get the golden mic or not. Like, and that's a 30. And that's a 30. And that's a 30. And that is a 30. I used to have some style. I used to do sketch comedy. The proof is in the smile.

Remember that? Well, that was me. Now I got the 30. No! We started up a podcast with Jake and I as two cool dudes around the world. We broadcast headgums on if I were you. Yeah, and I started headgum. Now I got the turdy.

Oh, God damn it. Just fucking say. I got the turdy. I got the turdy. I got the turdy. I got the turdy. that is half of this epic ballot wow that was made for us very nice made for you yeah made for you it's it would seem yes made for me because it's a bo burnham parody from his latest special inside which i still implore you jake and everybody to listen to it's very no i'm but wasn't for you because it was from the special you liked it was for you because it was about the award category that you dominate so yeah i mean well i i liked because you'd like use some of our it's fun because it's about you some of our lives legacy yeah and your legacy we should say this is episode 499 whoa um whoa yeah and yeah if there ever was a, and I'm not even trying to put it out there either,

not in a way that I want it or don't that much, but yeah. I have yet to receive what you deem to be the golden mic, which is the award for best podcaster in... What I deem to be the golden mic. Yeah, that really minimizes what it is. I'm sure you didn't mean to do that. I'm sure you didn't mean to do that. But that was the theme song, a parody of Bo Burnham's I'm Turning 30, about our award, the 30.

Yours. By Dom Ruggery. Last name pronounced like rupaul but instead of paul it's jerry freaking seinfeld rugery dom rugery oh rude jerry yeah rude jerry wow that's a tough one r-u-g-g-e-r-i good luck good luck getting to be able to say rude jerry you have to say my name is pronounced like two other people's names combined. It's tough. RuPaul and Jerry Seinfeld. The big two.

Okay. All right. So there it is. That's that. This is the, that's that. Still TBD. Jerry's out with regards to this episode but why don't we punt that for after the break because i feel like you're not gonna like where it's heading is the

only thing like we have to have this conversation now i don't want to i'm yeah we could put a stick a pin in it yeah let's stick a pin in it because right now what you've done is yeah you've pulled the pin from the grenade we're trying to put it back in before this whole thing explodes like diarrhea in your face okay yep yep don't want to do that no no you don't oh hell nah yeah back away blumenfeld i'm just trying to be casual and have fun and i think i am a little bit i think i'm yeah i'm like basically a fun whatever i'm like a cool guy who's like down to do i'm down to hang out i'm down to sing and have some fun. And I am really good. Yeah. Yeah.

We will pick this up. We'll pick this up later. For sure. For sure. Yeah. I don't want your mind to be made up already. It's not. It's not made up.

Nothing's set in stone. Miracles do happen. Miracles happen. Yeah. I wouldn't count on this one. But, you know, you never know. Let's punt it. As I said, you're belaboring this. I don't even want to is the crazy part. I want to onward and upward with the show. Episode 499. Wow. The big 499. Inches away from the big 500, which I don't even know what we should do for that. Like halfway to a G.

It's a milestone. It's iconic. It's legendary. We should do something special. Here's an idea. What if we went door to door to all of our listeners that have listened to every episode up until now and personally thank them recorded like a little live podcast in their room and then done like a q a with them sort of like spend some time with our fans that seems like a very onerous task to one by one do a living room show and a q a that would i don't know yeah be like

really intense okay it would take years i think months at least yeah you just want to make sure that all these people are vetted so it's tens of thousands of people to make sure that they're all like that they've actually sure that they have listened, they're vaccinated, obviously, and ideally a positive test. So it's a huge, it's a logistics nightmare, really. Because we'd have to end up traveling a ton. We'd travel a ton. We would be, I don't know,

coming up with some kind of weird test or quiz to make sure that people listen to every episode. And then to say nothing of the living room show that we have to put on. Yeah. Maybe we could just do one or something. Yeah, a big show for 500, like a live show or something. That's a more normal idea.

It's attainable. But it's actually not because it's now, at this point, it's two weeks away. So it's too little too late. We're going to have to do something. Yeah, we'll have like. One week away, I was thinking that loud. A guest or something.

Yeah. I just didn't see this coming. I didn't, I don't know. I'm like bare knuckle driving this show. Not driving the show like myself. Obviously, we're both in this together. Yeah. Don't think that I'm trying to like take credit for.

Yeah. I'm like, now I'm like intimidated by your ass. It's so funny. Like, I'm scared to like take credit for yeah i'm like now i'm like intimidated by your ass it's so funny like i'm scared to talk to you but like i feel like we've had our nose to the grindstone for seven years now and i don't want to make yeah one false move move yeah and i'm like scared skittish nervous yes yeah skittish walking on eggshells as it were yeah yeah do you ever get that like are you ever intimidated not about i'm scared like i'm not mad at you or anything yes i would be crazy if you were do you say you were mad at me what'd you say

no the hell did i do no dude no sir no sir i'm actually not mad at you sir good job um i'm gonna take the dirty myself really for this episode just get it out of the way man because now it's looming over me and like that, that's so fucking, it is really big. It's actually pretty impressive. I've never done that before. And I wonder if that will change everything that's going on. You self-awarded the turdy to free you of the burden of earning it.

It's cool. It's big. It's a little craven. It's a little cowardly to ask for the award in shittiness in podcasting because, I don't know. I guess some things are inevitable.

Death and taxes, they say. And you getting the turdy. Might be the other one. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. You already see. We'll see. Well, you already got it.

You gave it to yourself. You said that you said, I give myself the turdy. I accept the turdy. I kind of regret this whole fucking thing. Actually. Like I, like that was going to be like,

like that. I was like the bit or the podcast, the podcast, the bit. And I'm like wondering why it's all happening to me right now i feel like this is a fucking avalanche of shit 500 episodes in it's all for naught right yeah exactly interesting yeah um this yeah like you said this is if i were you the only advice pod on the net hosted by me and jake nice each one are equally silly and funny maybe i will get the money no you won't get an award unless it's the turd hey buddy

i love this like musical theme that we're doing, though. That's a cool idea. That's elevating the show. I wonder if you hadn't already awarded yourself the turdy, if you would have gotten another award for that kind of creativity, that kind of ingenuity in episode 500 to make it new again. It's pretty neat. It's pretty cool. It's pretty ace Blumenfeld. I'm actually proud of you for doing it.

I feel like I have a joy to vive about life right now. And I'm trying to like put that in the ether slash podcast, kind of like infuse new energy going into the second half of this first G we're doing. That's nice. Which is kind of fun. I like that. Not even trying to think about the hardware.

No, it's not about it. That's not why we do it. We don't do this for the awards. The awards come because we do this for the love. You know what I'm saying? Exactly, exactly. Word up. Word up.

In fact, I think I will accept the golden mic at this point um because as i said it's not about the hardware it's about the joy it's it's not about the hardware it's about the hard work yeah it's about the hard work as i say um and because it it um you know it matters to me but it's not why i do it that's why i accept the award humbled she's chuffed honored and asked and answered let's move on blazing into the second half of the next 501 episodes before uh we fulfill our suicide pact yeah we got uh a few good emails this week that i was able to um find about you know just life love and the pursuit of happy being happy so because i am happy exactly um here we go um yeah yeah sorry i'm like really fucking scared and crying right now that's so funny yeah

are you what are you what are you scared of do you think yeah you're you're like this kind of nasty figure um all right yeah let's fire through this is from a lady and remember i you gave the turdy to yourself this episode okay that's that wasn't on me that was not on me i said and i think anyone listening can scrub back i said nothing's written in stone i said miracles can happen um yep yeah so that's not on me it's not no definitely not yeah a nasty figure. Nor should he be. Nor are you to me, basically. This is a lady who's got a bi problem. That's right. A bisexual conundrum worthy of our attention.

Very nice. Let's call her Vi. Cool. Yeah. I started talking to a girl who goes to my college right before we got sent home for summer break. We matched on Tinder, but I've yet to meet up in person since I left for my hometown shortly after we started talking. Things have been going well, but there's one small issue. I hooked up with her ex-boyfriend about a month prior to our Tinder interaction.

It wasn't anything serious when we had sex once and i was i was the one to end things i actually got to know him through a mutual friend who knew we were both jake and amir fans crazy that that can get you laid she says uh i know i should probably tell her at some point i'm just not sure how or when to bring up this little detail i have a feeling that if i mention that i'm a fan of yours she will say something about her ex since unfortunately not many people at our college are pimps and cools who know about y'all would this be a deal breaker for you guys how do i just slip in this little tidbit of info in a casual conversation i don't know if this is actually a big deal or if i'm just overthinking things at this point. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love and ta-da.

Bye. Yeah. At what point is this beyond a deal breaker? Because in the beginning, it's kind of like you're so uncommitted in the new relationship that something like this could be like, oh, I don't want to continue the relationship. But then you get further into the relationship and it becomes more of a secret. And it's more of a thing when you reveal it. There's got to be like a middle ground somewhere before it gets too serious. But after the relationship has been like nurtured enough to.

Yeah. There's a sweet spot where it's not too early, not too late. And you say, by the way, I had sex with your ex. Seven weeks. Seven weeks is the answer.

So it's exactly 49 days after meeting this lady, you drop not quite a nuclear bomb, but a small sized sort of attack that hey by the way your ex and i are sexed and i or do you never say anything never ever say anything i feel like that's information that doesn't necessarily like that's how you would do it yeah yeah that is how i would do it yeah it's absolutely how i would do it because it's sort of like now i'm not saying anything you know right well it's like it's not relevant to me so i wouldn't bring it up the only reason to bring it up is because you feel like it's going to be relevant to her her so um yeah you know if she doesn't ask how why would you divulge i just i didn't lie i just didn't tell you that i had sex with your ex or something you could also do it i mean i don't

know what like how she knows like if this ex has ever come up you know like you can't it's weird to be like i have to tell you something i did some research i know who your ex is and i had sex with him it feels like you have to like find a way for you to find out about the ex and then you react surprised it's funny it's silly oh my god um i guess we're eskimo sisters. Hee hee hee hee hee. Something along those lines. That's good. And you can even like sort of do it at one of those igloo themed

ice bars. Where were we at where we went to that sort of underwater ice bar where it's like freezing cold? Oh yeah, it was in Queenstown, New Zealand. Yeah. So it's like the entire bar is made out of ice and everything is icy and you get in there and it's like 38 below or something like that. Yeah. And they give you big fur coats

and gloves that a thousand people have worn and you just take shots of vodka and sit on frozen ice blocks. It's awesome. And it's fair and it's good to do that so you sort of invite her there and you say the reason i'm actually here with you slash child is because we are indeed eskimos with one another and she says i don't quite understand you say put on this parka sister because i want you to park it on this ice block as I tell you this hot news. And that news, quote unquote, is that I've sexed your ex. And it has been seven weeks, so you can't get mad at me for dragging my feet. You can't get rid of me at this point.

I'm ice right now. Yeah. Not too early, not too late too late freezing cold and just right for that hot hot take yeah something that's the plan of attack i think or you could do what jake does which is not discuss your past at all can't get in trouble for not saying anything ever about anything do what you would have done i did what i would have done. I did what I would have done. We'll lock it away. Never bring it up. The end. Yeah. I'm a fan of not discussing your past, as long as it's not relevant in informing anything that you're doing, you know? Yeah. There's times when like those things have to come out to explain the way I'm behaving or like my

mistrust around this thing. otherwise it's not like i would ever volunteer like oh i had sex with this person like it doesn't matter especially like this is innocuous i don't know yeah yeah that's what i feel yeah uh so if you're gonna do it do it while you're in too deep she can't get um so mad that you she breaks up with you or just don't do it at all. But not too, too, too deep. Because then it's like, why did you hide this from me? It's been five years. Bingo, bingo, bongo.

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funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

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Oh, it's a little sooner than I can. Mom, I'm coming. That was do um i started celebrating more recently and interesting so like for example you'll give yourself like a little pep talk a little fist bump some music or how are you celebrating um it started in the climbing gym uh like just working on v4s v5s that that kind of thing uh-huh um like a climb that i couldn't necessarily do the first time you work on it you eventually you remember from the climbing gym um yeah like there are some climbs that are just warm-ups you go up to the top you go down you go up in one try it's not that hard but then there are some that you like try three or four times you're trying to figure it out you give it one last push you get to the top you're a little frightened but you make it work um so i started

when i did that like really pumping my fist and like being amped for myself and it felt amazing so i started like really leaning in i still haven't like screamed it's all kind of like muted but like pumping my fist really hard and like shaking it and getting fucking amped um it's awesome it's so fun so what's an example of something that you do um you know uh that requires the fist bump um like outside of the climbing yeah up to outside of climbing um when so we recently closed a deal on an exciting podcaster um when that happened i clapped and i like shook my fist and i let out a woo nice um they're like just like small little professional victories and stuff like that um anytime that something goes your way i encourage you to shake your fist really hard even if you

are in a situation where you can't yell, woo, just like pump your fist. Cause I remember watching, um, like it was a Yankees playoff game. God, like 10 years ago, Joba Chamberlain was pitching. So it was,

it was a long time ago. Joba Chamberlain. What a blast from the fat past. Yeah. Um, and he struck somebody out and like the bottom of the of the eighth, and he just walks off the mound, just, like, hulks out and screams at the dugout and the crowd. And I remember thinking, like, I'll never, like, have that kind of, like, adrenaline pump. Like, I'll never be able to do that um so now i'm just trying to give

give that my give that to myself in micro doses and it's good it's sort of like positive affirmations or daily affirmations convincing yourself that you are joyed and yeah yeah and eventually you will be totally and i also do it just when i finish like us if i'm working out and even like not even like climbing and accomplishing something. Just, like, finish my last set. I just shake my fist. I'm like, yes. That's good.

I might do that, like, I don't want to waste it too much because, like, you only have so much dopamine in your brain or whatever that gets released when you do it. But, yeah, maybe after I, well, like like drink a coffee and take a good morning shit i can do like the fuck yeah fist bump sort of the that would work i yeah barely but i think even that works if you take a good shit yeah celebrate all right good good advice positive thank you joyful thank you um it's all it's what we all need right now i guess yeah that's that's self-care um yeah my brother's in la yes i saw him we got him yesterday together yeah wow what kind of what did uh what did he get he got the protein something or other so like it's got some greens some leaves some berries nice. Nice. Peanut butter?

I think there were almonds in it. Okay. Which, you know, if you're going to put almond butter in it, isn't that just ground up almonds? So, like, you might as well just put almonds in it. That's the same thing, is it not? I guess. I guess. Almond butter, there's, I think there's some other shit in there, though.

All right. We got a question from Copenhagen, Denmark. Oh, hell yeah. I love Copenhagen. Holy shit. This one is about a guy in his late 20s. We'll call him Dane Cook. Cool. Hey, guys.

I'm in my late 20s, and I'm living in Copenhagen together with two lovely roommates. I've been seeing this girl for a bit, and last weekend my roommates were both out traveling, so naturally we took the chance to bone on every possible surface of our kitchen slash living room. So my question is, now that my roommates are back, should I tell them? I don't want them to feel uncomfortable having breakfast on the table

we fucked on, but I do think it makes sense that I should let them know because it makes me the legal owner of the flat or i should at least get equity in the building oh my god let me know what you would do i could use some of that real estate cheese best regards dane dane well if you want equity in the building you have to tell your landlord your roommates don't have the power they can't give you that um if you want a piece of the pie you have to tell your landlord your roommates don't have the power they can't give you that um if you want a piece of the pie you have to bring it to the landlord um i don't know how it works in denmark but it's that's how it works here yeah so you'd have to sort of just

tell the building owner that by the way i effed on the kitchen in the flat and then he would assign a value to the building uh assign a value to the shares parcel out the shares according to which surfaces you boned on and if you nutted and if she nutted um then maybe there's some kind of bonus uh because if it's yeah i don't know yeah and then would you tell the roommates or that's sort of the landlord's job? Yeah, I think there's no, like the fun of doing that is knowing that you, that you've had sex when you like see your roommates in the kitchen. It's like a fun little secret. It's a hot don't tell anybody thing. Not, yeah, tell your roommates.

That's, that's fucking crazy. That's not the point. Yeah, you, you've tell your roommates. That's fucking crazy. That's not the point. Yeah, you- It's not a prank. As a roommate, would you want to know that? I mean, you lived with some dirty dudes in your day. Yeah, no, it's better to not know. It's better to not know.

If you did know, would that change how you handled your cereal eating in the morning? I mean, probably not. Like, I'm sure they wiped it off. It wouldn't bother me at all to know that somebody had sex somewhere. Like, I'm sure roommates had sex on shared couches and stuff. I know I did when I was living with people.

So that's fine. Yeah, just like that's where a body was. There was a body there. It's not like there's still a mess to be had. Don't sit there. There's still fluid on the couch. Right. I feel like even if there was fluid, as long as it was dried, I wouldn't have cared.

Dried fluid? What the hell is your problem? When I'm like 20-something, I don't think it matters. That's the huge deal is about turning 30s that you start caring about shit like fucking dry fluid on a god there's a stain on this encounter god uh yeah all right jesus christ that was awesome yeah um way to way to fucking own this building though you don't really do do that in your own place. It doesn't mean as much, you know?

Yeah, you mean it's cooler to do it in a shared flat. Yeah, somewhere where you're paying rent. It doesn't really belong to you. But a piece of you will always be there now. Yes, that's correct. And a piece of her. Really, your love. It's kind of like when you enter

a place and you sage it before you move in that's sort of like what you do on your way out right it's sort of scorched earth vibes as it were well and there's like the idea of like christening a place too you know like we're gonna have sex here in this room we christened the dining room. That's right. That's cool. Okay, let's take another break. Come back answer some more questions after these messages. Right on. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey, yo, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan.

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and we're back hey are you watching the olympics as much as you thought you would i'm not watching it as much as i thought i would i I'm watching it a lot, but I don't like the Olympic coverage. It's just, it's, well, for me, it's all over the place. Yeah. It's hard to, it's hard to find when events are on. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the, it's Japan being 13 hours ahead.

It's pretty inconvenient. Yeah. Over here, it's like, there's some old stuff when you start watching at five and then it goes cuts to like new stuff that's happening around eight or nine so like if you're doing that in the east coast the live stuff is only happening at midnight and then you wake up and you see everything that happened already yeah like oh i know katie ledecky lost or this guy won so like i'm watching it and i already it's kind of spoils it it's all yeah i think that's the worst like you don't know which events are live which ones are pre-recorded um and then the new york times alerts are spoiling everything for me i just wake up and i'm like uh suny wait fuck what's her name uh simone viles

oh the the gymnast that took her place in one yeah yeah soon like suny lee won uh and the overall yeah i was like oh well i was excited to watch yeah never mind but i guess i won't now or yeah what did you guys want me to do and then when they're showing it they're like cutting to commercials either mid-event like that do you see the katie ledecky 1500 meter like it's a 10 minute race and they're like all right during this race let's cut to commercial and show you guys McDonald's ads and move her to a small box in the corner. Crazy. Did her real dirty.

You guys can't wait 10 minutes? And then it's like, all right, fuck it. Let's go to beach volleyball for one game. And then like, all right, we're back out of there. It's too frenetic, too ADD. There's no real strong storylines that I'm following. I hope so. I usually like diving, but it's it's too frenetic to add there's no real strong storylines that i'm following i hope so i can't yeah and like i usually like diving but they put it's all at like two or three in the morning yes yeah yeah or they'll like show it for like two seconds and then it'll go cut away i

can't i can't sink my teeth into any of this shit there's too many sports also i i don't know like to to watch like there's shooting in archery and then handball and like three on three basketball there's there's just so much that it's like and and then you're watching like oh this is uh this is an exciting sport but it's actually just the group stage so it's not that interesting yeah um and then all of a sudden it's like this is a gold medal event for rowing like well what i i don't know that's too much yeah also um what's i gonna say oh yeah they're showing sports or i'm not even sure like how they like how they score this stuff like this this australian lady went surfing it's like oh how what oh, how did you win surfing? Is she like on her board the longest or did she do a move or something?

They just show her surfing and then it shows her getting a gold medal. Do you have any idea how they score surfing? No. Is it like, was she doing tricks? No. It looks like she was just surfing. Biggest wave length? I don't know. Coolest tricks? No. It looks like she was just surfing. Biggest wave length? I don't know.

Coolest vibes? Yeah. So an Australian is definitely going to win that every time. Yeah. No wonder they fucking swept. And then the fact that there's no crowd is not ideal either. Yeah. It's really a perfect story.

The NBC can't be too happy about getting a fucking olympics on an off year 2021 no crowd at 2 a.m i think they were dealt a shit hand yeah but i also i heard that they like beat their previous records for like advertising for it like 12 billion dollars of advertising or something insane like that yeah i guess because they promised to show that during the events so like you literally can't look away yeah that's why they cut to commercial during ledecky's race yeah but it's good to see that swimmers are still insanely long lean thick jacked athletes like they always were whether it's michael phelps or that new guy, Caleb, it seems like we're, we're pumping them out just right. Every, every four years, there's a new insanely long lean jacked swimmer that's breaking an

Olympic record. Yeah. That's, that's the USA way. Are those tattoos that they have temporary or are they fucking getting inked up? Oh, I think they're getting inked up. Wow. I might do that too actually um i wouldn't fucking olympic rings on my pect what you have to earn the rings

oh my god your nipple is gray well i can't swim you have gray's asia what's that instead of rosacea yeah What's that? Instead of rosacea? Yeah. All right. Let's try to see if we can get through one more question. This one is about a guy who wants to quit his love cold turkey. So let's call him Farmer John. Nice. I just finished college in Colorado and a recent breakup has me feeling a little mixed up. It was my decision to end it after two years of long distance,

but she was really understanding and asked if we could still be good friends. We'd talk every day for the last two years, after all, and after trying to go cold turkey for about a week, we both were feeling pretty sad, so for about a month we talked every day and FaceTimed once a week just to catch up. However, in the last few weeks, she's found herself a new beau. All of a sudden, she's sort of gone AWOL and only texts me if I text her first. I'm feeling like a chump being the only one making an effort to stay in touch,

and every time I get ignored, it just is a damper on my day. She still agrees to FaceTime now and then, but it's always forced. Yeah. What would you guys do in my situation? Should I remove myself entirely, unfollow her on socials, and stop texting her? If we ever lived in the same city, I could see us getting back together, long distance being the main reason we broke up. But I also want to move on and make the most of where I'm at in life right now. College grad, new job, making the most of seeing my friends.

Love, Farmer John. Love, Farmer John. Oh, Farmer John. You broke up with her. She was sad. She wanted to stay in touch, and you obliged. And now she's fading away. This is good. This is what you ultimately wanted, to have the breakup.

Yes. It's great. You were very supportive while she seemingly got over you. So, awesome. Don't unfollow her on social media. Mute her on social media. You don't have to make a thing of it. Nice.

And go on and live your life. Stop texting. Stop FaceTiming. Everything is as you intended when you initiated the breakup. So, congratulations. that's nice so you're saying he's like halfway there he started to consider the idea that maybe he shouldn't be with her anymore and he should focus on the good stuff yeah focus on the good stuff um i mean

especially if she's not going to become more available she has a new boyfriend and um so you're that like damper on your day that's gonna keep on happening so you can solve this problem by not putting yourself in that position yeah i mean just you really want to catch up with an ex who's currently with somebody else yeah yeah so travis and i went let's see what did we do this week farmer's market which was awesome because we live together and we're in love. What else did we do? You froze for a second, Travis. I didn't catch that last thing.

This is Travis talking. He's in the background. Actually, babe, if you're just going to shower, I can catch up with Trav. Isn't it annoying when Penny's all... Hello? I was going to say, isn't it annoying when... Yeah, all right was gonna say is it annoying yeah all right they're hooking up one second hang up you guys forgot to hang up you guys forgot to end the call no oh god i don't want to hang up because that's rude but at the same time i don't want to see you

grinding on travis hello fuck all right let me get let me catch up with me later please thank you uh yeah you don't need to know anymore you've you've done your you've known enough and now she's off with somebody else and that's enough knowing for now yeah congrats knowing it knowing anymore at this point would be too much knowledge. Yeah. Be dumb. Be dumb. Be dumb. Be dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Be dumb.

Be dumb. Did you end up deciding on the last, the big $4.99? I actually didn't get the opportunity to award the turdy because you took that on yourself. I accept your decision. So we have made it official. You got the turdy in the first half of the episode. And I guess you forgot that I won the golden mic

when I expressed how I don't do this for the mic. I do this for the work and for the love and the joy of the game that we play. Sorry, this brings a tear to my eye. I'm just really fucking humbled. No, you're not humbled. It's the last thing you are. You're not humbled. You're not humbled.

Yes, I am. You're not humbled. You're not humbled. Yes, I am. You're not humbled. 499. Actually, excuse me, 497 golden mics in my arsenal. It means a lot. It does mean a lot. You can have the fucking trophy. Thank you. You cannot be humbled.

I am humbled. you are not did not give yourself that i have to take that that adjective from you because like there's no way i'm the humbled one i'm over 500 on this fucking award show which by the way it's like a it should be at least a coin flip as to like who wins or not it's not a coin maybe yeah maybe you get it that's two thirds of that i'll tell you that's glib bloominfeld it's cynical and it's tacky and it's not becoming of a podcast host it's not becoming at all and that's why you're not becoming a podcast host that's right you're fired me all right no you're doing great great job everybody thanks for

listening thanks for writing in um the email address after all this stuff is if i read a show at gmail.com uh send those theme songs send those questions um we're still reading we're still analyzing even after all these years 499 down wow the big 500 very cool next week we really got to figure out what we got to do especially if we're doing that tour idea that i had yeah if we're gonna do the living room tour only for vaccinated people who have listened to every single episode yes yeah that's gonna be and they have to live in the continuous united states at least right at least we can't travel abroad unfortunately orlando to spokane don't you guys worry yeah and it's not nothing in between so those are the first two of 55 stops that we're doing

right let me let me look up who wrote this do you remember who wrote that insane bo burnham opening yeah it was rue jerry yes dom rue jerry let's hear hear the full version. You just listened to the first half at the top. Here's the rest of Dom Ruggieri, Bo Burnham's 30, a.k.a. Turdy. See you guys next week. Thank you. I think this could be

an episode where I get the golden mic or not. And that's a 30 not and that's a 30 and that is a 30 I used to have some style I used to do sketch comedy

the proof is in the smile remember that well that was me now I got the 30 no we started up a podcast Now I got the turdy No We started up a podcast With Jake and I as two cool dudes

Around the world we broadcast Headgum Zone if I were you Yeah, and I started Headgum Now I got the turdy Oh, goddammit, just fucking say I got the turdy Oh god damn it, just fucking say it I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm Jake says that my bits all suck. It makes you wonder who's in charge. I've since been called a chipmunk. My cheeks are not even that large. Oh, fuck. That's another turdy. And that is a turdy.

Fuck! Yeah. I try to make it subtle. Don't ask for golden mics and stuff. But always Jake's rebuttal is telling me that I try too much. Oh, yeah. I mean, every time that I try to put an ounce of effort into getting a golden mic you say that I overdo it and then if I act nonchalantly I don't deserve it I got the turddy

turddy I got the turddy I got the turdy So that means Stupid Jake gets all the golden mics now And Stupid Jake gets all the golden mics now And Stupid Jake gets all the golden mics now And Stupid Jake gets all the golden Mike's now and that means stupid Jake gets all the golden Mike's now And stupid Jake gets all the golden Mike's now

And stupid Jake gets all the golden Mike's now Stupid fucking shiny golden Mike's now Got half a thousand of these turdies I'll win another 500 Telephony joke for a golden mic man With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.