Segments - 50: Swinging

Episode Date: January 6, 2014

In this episode we discuss rejection, trust, and how to sleep with your friends girlfriend. This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com! Check out SlugBooks.com/Amir or SlugBooks.com/Jake for the cheapest way to get college textbooks. (And awesome versions of us as cartoon logos.) See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The year is 2014. The podcast landscape has changed as we know it. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bedsheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door.

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He's immediately shot and killed. The big, strong, handsome one. He walks down the hill of this dystopian future and he bangs Keira Knightley. The end. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play

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Nice to see you. Please don't bounce. Let's go. Yeah. Hashtag don't bounce. Let's go. Uh, yeah. Hashtag don't? All right. Okay. All right, okay. All right.

Turn it up, mom. If I were you, show. Get it. You to you, you to me, you to you, you to you. Looking for a better way to get a bit of help instead of seeing friends or family or checking with a shrink? Ah! See, she's been philosophers, a little bit of advice, a little bit of humor, somewhere between like zeros and zeros. Tinder game?

Match match, y'all can't cheer me up. Rad. Dude's talking, they're here, working hardly, they're recording in basements, and it's still made RJ grown children. They read my cue and put insults onto everything I report to them, and yet I can't. Let that towel cave go and absorb waves. Got that Kobe brass island, just an audiophile. Funny, put him on blast, but stick around for these clowns.

For I've amassed a vast respect and esteem for their sound. Trust them, this is J-A-K-E-A-N-D-A-M-I-R with culture. Scoring dimes since Jake was 14 with Amir just cussing. Halfway across the country in this flashback, that's that gushing. Jake and Amir, now they can tell us something. Give advice to the people. iTunes rate five stars. Jake and Amir, if they can't tell you nothing, they just amuse the people.

Beasts in that regard. Tight. How do we go back? This is the moment. Tiger Guard. Tight. How do we go back? This is the moment. Hey, that was fun. That was great. We were going to cut it off, but then we just thought it was so entertaining that we just kept it going.

Yeah, that's true. It's a good way to start our 50th episode. 5-0. We made it. 5-0. And our 50th and our last episode. Thank you. We had to run. Yeah, we wanted this to be a finite body of work, and I think...

I think 50 is appropriate. It's a good number. And we appreciate everything. We appreciate y'all. And I'm sure you guys even more so appreciate us. I think more than anything, we're appreciated. In fact, I'm starting to resent you because I'm not sure you appreciate me enough. Sure, you appreciate me a lot, but I'd like to be more appreciated, I guess.

I'd like to be idolized. I'd rather be worshipped. I want to be a false prophet to you people. I want to be a god, an idol. I want to be a false idol to you. Yes. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And that was Thomas and his rap group is called The 28th Minute. Cool. Thanks, Thomas. Cool. Anyway, you're over it.

Because he spent probably days mixing it. Cool. Bye, Thomas. Alright, let's get right into the show. It's my time to shine, bitches. What the fuck? What do you want to talk about? Thomas, you want to talk about him more? Yeah, he made the song. We played it. You said his name. You said that's his...

What's the name of his rap group? We told him the unforgettable name. What was it? What was it? The Tank Engine? Some shit? It was Thomas. He's got a rap group called Thomas.

It was the 28th Minute. The 28th Minute. There it is. There's the props we were looking for. And yeah,. It was the 28th minute. The 28th minute. There it is. There's the props we were looking for. And yeah, it actually is our 50th episode. Yeah. Crazy. One episode for our combined ages.

No. Dude, you know that. You know numbers. Right, right, right. Right? Yeah. Your age plus my age obviously isn't 50. No, it's obviously not.

Yeah. What is it obviously? 58. Ass. Diva. So how does it work? We take advice to the people and give it to the country. Labels out here and

they can't tell us nothing. I guess we give back to the people and spread our advice around the country. That was a tight part. People email us because they're in difficult places in their lives and they're looking for advice. And we read a couple of questions and try to answer them and give them the advice as best we can on this here podcast. Is that about it we gonna do

our best boss let it go holy shit holy shit i don't want to host it with you anymore this is our this is the first episode we've recorded in three weeks this is the longest break we've taken i really yeah i feel completely out of it i'm yeah what i forgot i fucking had a podcast i was home i was with my family i was with my friends i was i spent two days editing the best of 2013 and uh close to four four and a half hours a day going through the questions i partied in my shed with my brother yeah and it was the best fucking two weeks of my life yeah i forwarded you some questions and we're like hey what do you think about this one what do you think about this one you said not now dude not now dude i'm on a mental vacation mental vacay yeah and then at one point you called it a mental staycation yeah i was not coming back

and that's when you flew out to new york and ripped me out of my bed at my parents house and i don't think that was cool i thought it was necessary of course and. So how do we get this party started? Let's do it. All right. We need a theme. You said the Niners won today, so you wanted to go with the Niners? Yeah, the Niners. All right.

The San Francisco 1949ers. They were named after the San Francisco Gold Rush, which was earlier in the 1940s. Right after WW2. So that was when everybody was earlier in the 1940s. Right after WWII. So that was when everybody was heading out to Cali. You know, a little Gold Rush. It is funny to call them the 1849ers. That's like not their full name, but it's a funny... The New York Knickerbockers.

Yeah, like that I've heard before, but I've never heard of the San Francisco 1849ers. All right, so this one is a real email from a real person. We're going to give him a fake name to preserve his... Anonymity. Oh, we're back, baby. Yep. We're back.

Yep. We're back. Yep. I'm so happy I can cry. Oh, Jesus. What? You are crying. So don't say I could cry.

I'm so happy I am crying, is the correct thing I am crying I'm so happy I'm obviously crying is what you meant to say I'm clearly weeping now from happiness I'm so happy that I am tears of joy are coming out of me I'm so happy I'm crying so Colin Kaepernick writes what's that?

I usually repeat the name. Colin Kaepernick. Hey guys, my girlfriend, 23, sometimes sleeps over at her friend's house and sleeps in his bed with him and his girlfriend. I didn't think I had a problem with this until she mentioned that she sleeps in her underwear only. Furthermore, sometimes the girlfriend isn't there,

so it's just my GF in her underwear and bra and her male friend. I trust this guy, and I doubt anything would happen intentionally, but the idea that my GF might inadvertently get her ass poked during the night with not but a cloth barrier disturbs me. Is this an acceptable qualm, and if if so how can i have her stop have fun with this but please give me some advice too love colin kaepernick i love that at this point our fans are having to reel us in like hey definitely make it funny but please do remember this is an advice podcast i do need advice on this extract your y yucks. Hi, everyone's having a fun little time. But at the end of the day, please.

I almost feel bad. We're doing a disservice at this point. People need to remind us that they need advice. By the way, it's like, yeah, you can have your cake, but remember to eat it too. At the same time, we really. On episode 50, I think you guys aren't allowed to get off the rails and stay there. You need to find a way to bring it back yeah this is like a very subtle passive blast it's not he's not pulling putting us on full blast

but he's basically i appreciate that yeah we're recording this podcast on a sunday yeah i don't think i really deserve or need or want a sunday night blast yeah this isn't i don't think i need to be put on sunday night blast i really don't I really don't. We want to start the new week off right, and this passive blast is pretty much all my ass can handle. Yeah, yeah. A passive blast is enough. A passive blast. So things have gotten from bad to worse in this question.

Yeah, I mean, wow. First of all, I trust this guy. Why don't? He's sleeping in a bed with your girlfriend? That already violates the trust. In my eyes, if you're 23 years old sleeping over in a boy's bed, that's a no. That's a grounds for termination of the old relationship there. That's a red light. At the very least, it's a yellow for yield.

Look, I was cool when he was having a three-way. But when I found out it was just a twosome, just this dude and my girlfriend, that's not cool. It almost is worse, where it's like, if one's girlfriend cheated on you with a threesome, it's like, oh, that's kind of a crazy weird time. But if it was just one other guy, it's like, oh, that's not... It's less people, but it's somehow worse.

No, no. Because, oh, are you kidding me? I think if you had a girlfriend, you would rather have her cheat on you in a threesome. With another girl and another guy. That's what you'd rather? Than one other guy. That blows my fucking mind. Well, what about an orgy?

The more people that it is, the less personal it is and the less big of a deal it is. That's why the worst thing. You're jealous that i didn't get to be a part of it like if my girlfriend wanted to have a three-way with a dude another another girl i would be like fuck you i wasn't there for that that should have been me that was my threesome to have well this is my rank like a 4g is fine because it's like a wild night threesome that's pretty bad a duo that's like the worst and the ultimate worst is to hear if your girlfriend masturbated then it's just her she's cheating on me with you disgusting you fucking touched yourself that's to kick your ass that's my hand you you flick your bean with my hand? That's the hand that I hold in the pussy I fuck. You're not allowed to touch either one of them.

Ma'am? I think, no, because it's, I understand what you're saying. Like a single thing, like a one-on-one is like an emotional cheat. Yeah. As well as a physical cheat. And an orgy or a three-way is just a physical cheat because it's sort of like this crazy experience. But I would feel so jealous that my girlfriend gave some dude the best night of his life. Yeah, it's true. I don't want that to be happening to somebody else.

They're both bad. My fucking property. She's my shirt. She's my jeans. And you can't wear them. I'm trying to figure out a nice way to say i own whoever i'm dating um what is it like when you own something but it's not like a but it's not like a it's not like a lamp or something like it's like a dog like a human slave it's like a pet oh she's my pet

all right sorry i almost i don't want to get any hate mail for that shit so everyone beware that i'm calling girls pets yeah i'm not just know that I'm just saying that this thing is mine. I don't mean like a property like, oh, this is my pencil. You can't borrow it. No, no, no. It's like, this is my cat. This is my dog. This is like my lizard.

Whatever, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So that's your property. Next question. Oh, my God. All right. We had our yuck, yucks.

So please give him some advice, too. I would break up with this girl. She's not good. Well, I mean, the thing is she hasn't broken any rules because you haven't ever expressed. She's broken implicit rules, which is not sleeping in a bed of your uh friend with an underwear but this guy also sounds like he's very um lax and like he he's he doesn't really care i like how he's like i doubt anything would happen intentionally but it really gets me to think that he might have a worn a morning wood and poker underwear that's what that's what freaks you out

you're so petty and you're you're really failing to see the big picture which is that he's fucking her all night don't worry he's not uh he's not poking her cloth you better just hope they're using a condom they're definitely having three-way sex that's the cloth that he's poking over that's a goddamn rubber i would i think i guess like you could say hey i don't want you to do this anymore and see how she takes it. And if she won't do it, then break up with her. But if it's me, I'm just saying, hey, this has eaten away at me for a long time. I think it's awful.

I think you're awful. Goodbye forever. Or what if she's like, whoa, I'll just stop doing it. Geez, that's, I wish you had expressed explicitly that you didn't like me sleeping in the same bed as my friend and his girlfriend. I shouldn't have to. Goodbye forever. All right. I guess I'm going to go back to fucking this guy or sleeping.

Excuse me? I said I was going to hang out with this guy and his girl. I guess I can see her. If you ask her to stop and she just is like, oh, yeah, of course, I won't do that anymore. But then it's almost like she knew the entire time that it was wrong. She was getting away with it. And that, yeah, like, hey, I'm sorry, I really don't want you to do this. Oh, yeah, okay, I was surprised you let me do it for this long.

Yeah, holy shit. Then she had some sort of moral obligation to say that what she was doing. Someone should have called someone out at some point during all of this. There's four fucking people involved and they're acting like it's a normal thing yeah why is it on us why is it my responsibility to slap sense into this guy doesn't he have any friends am i old am i too old is that what people do is that cool relax grandpa yeah people sleep in beds with other people now i'm yeah now i'm nervous i should be doing it shit you're nervous i want to be i want to be young and i want to be hip and i want to be cool and with it i need to sleep in the same bed platonically as other people while you're in a

relationship with somebody else yeah that's what i need to do that's the thrill i need what it's also not that good it's not nice to sleep with people that you're not fucking it's it's just it's the it's the not exciting parts like not being able to roll over and there's no space right because if they're really not even touching if there's not even any cuddle then it's just having a small bed that your girlfriend likes right so what there has to be at least some contact some sort of human touch that makes her like sleeping there like okay even if we're not gonna hook up we're gonna cuddle and cuddle and that's nice there's no chance they're not dude dude they're deaf

cuddling i don't know why you like you're you're a fucking you're a winning qb you're so tall strong you know not necessarily handsome but sort of like you're a champion so that's that makes something or afc champion but my point is that you don't have to put up with this shit. She's absolutely, at the very, very least, getting poked by a boner. Your biggest fear is happening. And it's not inadvertent. It's vertent. It is very vertent. I assure you that the touches have been more than vertent.

And going forward, you do not want to allow this to happen in your relationship with your pet. And furthermore, your hamster on a tight leash not pets that was all a fucking bit if you guys don't get it at this point please listen to a couple more episodes of the podcast you'll finally understand that i'm mostly kidding and as long as we're apologizing for things i called colin kaepernick an afc champion obviously i know the niners are in the nfc there we go and i apologize of course for calling copper colin kaepernick uh unattractive um he's he is very he's a handsome he's got the whole package you and i don't i really hate for for him to hear this podcast that i put him on blast. Yeah, even if Phil Dawson, their kicker, heard it and relayed the message,

I'd hate for Cap to ever... I don't feel I deserve to be put on blast, is all I'm saying. Mr. Kaepernick, sir. El Kaepernick, my Kaepernick. You've got bigger fish to fry. You know, you've got a game next week. Yeah, I guess.

I don't think this... It's a fake name, I wouldn't... It's not actually. What? Oh, no. You forgot that whole part of the podcast. All right, next question. Yeah.

This one's pretty great. So let's get the name out of the way right off the bat. Vernon Davis. Vernon Davis. All right, this is the entire email. Ready? Ooh, my voice cracked. You hear that?

Yeah. Really? I'll edit that out. Right. Yeah. It'll sound like this. Ready? All right, ready?

All right, this is the email. Ready? All right, ready? All right, ready? Oh, shit. All right, ready? Ready? Dear Jake Loomer.

Oh, fuck. It's stuck in a crack. It's stuck in a crack. I can't break my mother's back. All right. Ready? Yeah. I always say that.

This is the entire email starting now. What are some stuff you guys say if you get rejected and play it off like you don't care? No subject. No hello. No subject. No salutation. No punctuation i'd love to know the time stamp of that email because in my mind he he went in to kiss somebody at a bar she said no he pulled back

said nothing and then went and typed this email in a bathroom a fever text message as a dream that said what are some stuff you guys say if you get rejected and play it off like you don't care must seem normal must must seem unspaced. I know I'm going back out there to a harsh reality that I have just been rejected, denied. Please record and respond ASA now. I need to make sure it doesn't look like a myth. Well, it seems like you're in a huge rush and you're very miffed. Yeah, you're...

Quick, man, give me some fucking words to use, man. Another way to look at it is like an alien just being like, what are stuff you say to get rejected and play it off like you don't care? I tried to bed one of your women. An earthling rejected me, not once, but twice. What is some stuff to say to make it seem like I don't care? I was promptly denied. rejected me not once but twice what is some stuff to say to make it seem like i don't care i was promptly denied i told her straight up i stared at her in her forehead and i said i don't care

i don't care i don't need this i'm going to sleep i then passed out for what seemed like two and a half years was actually close to seven i checked in with the mothership i told them i wasn't getting any they said you have only until February to impregnate a woman human species and I said dude it's not that easy. I texted the boys but I've yet to hear back.

That's a fun premise for a bad movie. An alien who's like one mission. Is that already a movie? What? An alien's mission is to have sex with somebody? Yeah he has to like impregnate a female earthling, and he just comes down and he can't get laid. Yeah, that's Hitch. That's Hitch? Yeah, Kevin James is an alien, and Will Smith is his human leader.

Of course. I've never seen Hitch. Is there an actual answer to this question? I think it depends on what kind of rejection if it's like hey do you want to go out on a date sometime and she's like hey um no i don't think so or is it like i leaned in to kiss her and she like moved her head yeah and like had me kiss her cheek and i feel like if it's that i know. Yeah. I guess it's important to remember that rejection happens to everyone. Yes, sir.

Yeah, you. Sir, raising your hand. Never. Never? Never been rejected. Wow. I guess it's important to remember that rejection happens to everybody but Jake. I'm just kidding.

It happened to me too. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody gets rejected. Everybody gets rejected. And the key is to play it off like it ain't no thing You never want to be sad, disappointed, angry at all You always want to be like you have other options

Yeah, like, okay, great, no worries Yeah, like, you try to kiss a girl She's like, oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not really feeling it Like, oh, yeah, of course, that's fine I'm gonna go kiss someone over there But don't say that, but have that in you Like, oh, yeah, fine It's sort of like being at a buffet And you're like, oh, do you guys have any romaine lettuce? and you're like oh yeah fine it's sort of like saying it's like being at a buffet and you're like oh do you guys have any uh romaine lettuce and they're like no and you're

like oh okay i'll just have ice cream that's how little it should phase you it's just like oh that's cool you still have a lot of other there's a lot of other food that i like here i'll do this i'll do this i'll do this always like you have options so text like pretend like to text me to ask ask me out on a date and i'll respond it with a rejection. I would never ask you out. Well, okay. Pretend I'm an attractive lady, and you want to ask me out on a date. Hey, come over. Holy shit, you are direct.

Hey, hey, hey, baby. Sorry, it comes out that I don't know how to text. Hey, babe, what say we hit up a thing? House three. The worst time. Hey, you want to go out on Saturday? Oh, no. Actually, I'm super busy this week.

Let me get back to you maybe next week or the week after. Yeah, sounds good. So you would say, yeah, sounds good, exclamation point? Probably. So that's the way to deal with it. That wasn't a flat-out rejection.-out rejection well i mean that's how somebody would reject someone nowadays hey i'm busy this week like hey i want to or if it depends if you like ask someone super direct like hey i would like can i take you out on a date on wednesday like hey no i'm sorry i'm just like i don't really right now yeah i don't see you like that i'm sorry like that's totally cool i get it yeah

so still the same amount i get it but yeah i think you always have to you gotta you gotta respond positively and just be like yeah that's cool that's your decision that's great you are fine i'm gonna go be fine too because you can never change someone's mind uh with a text message definitely you're never ever gonna be you can never ever say the right words it's not a teen movie you don't get to just be like i well i've thought about you forever or like well i'm not going to take no for an answer no yeah be like you always have to take no for an answer that's the answer right and uh furthermore i'll say if it's if it was a kiss rejection if you leaned into kisser she moved her head then i

think you have to apologize i think you have to say sorry oh if it was like a physical advancement yeah I feel like you gotta say I'm sorry that was a weird move on my part maybe she was giving you signals and you could say sorry I thought that was what I thought you would like that

or you should say like are you sorry sorry but are you sorry for leading me in and then pulling away like that? That's a much harder, if it was that, then it's much harder. Right. Like, well, I guess it wouldn't be like that because he wouldn't have just written that email.

Well, that's why we're- Unless he was writing it under the bar after he didn't kiss this girl. That's the glory of being a pussy and doing things over text. Right. That way you don't have to deal with shit in the moment. That's true.

It's really hard. It's the worst to kiss someone and have them turn away. Yeah. That's the worst feeling in the world. That's the worst? Yeah. There's no coming back from that either. You have to just be like, okay, that was bad.

I'm sorry. I'm going to go. Oh, that's fine. Okay. My worst feeling is seeing homeless people struggle on a daily basis or a single mother or a single father trying to support his or her family so i think that's the worst feeling what did you say yours was trying to kiss someone and they uh they pull away uh or did i say i'm losing a loved one no you care more about homeless people

than the actual people you love all right my my least favorite thing to see is actually genocide so oh i'm sorry you you care about um about crippled old war vets with drug problems. That's good. I care about innocents that never had a fair shot at a decent life. So good for you. You're saying genocide? Yeah, genocide. Okay.

So for me, the worst thing is going in to hug someone and they pull out. Oh. Actually, I know what that sucks. Full circle. Yeah. There's a lot of bad feelings in the world. actually I know what that sucks full circle yeah there's a lot of bad feelings in the world that's the overarching theme of this podcast

we're just supposed to remind you about all the things can be bad that's the name of this episode things can be bad should we take our break now or answer one more question I'm feeling a break alright let's do it we got a follow up pup follow up Pup

A follow up pup From a question We answered Around Halloween time Which is a guy wanted to Have a He had a girlfriend back at home during college And then he wanted to have a couples costume

With a lady friend of his at college I feel like we answered this with a guest was it allison oh was it maybe or emily and we were like couple's costume is the most flirtatious thing you should do you should probably just break up with your girlfriend right and then oh we ultimately said like group costume do oh yeah yeah yeah we told him to not cancel his halloween plans to make his girlfriend happy right okay so this he writes in uh december 30, which is two months after Halloween. Hey guys, I asked a question about going to a Halloween party, doing a couple's costume with someone that wasn't my girlfriend and you said I should go and have fun.

Well, I did and I ended up getting wasted and cheating on my girlfriend. I told her everything about it and she dumped me. I was wondering if you or me, would you still pursue the girl I once cheated on or let her go and try to move on? Wait, he wants advice again? Yeah, he wants the double advice. The double follow-up pup. That's so funny.

Would you say that was good advice or bad advice that we told him to go and then he cheated? I'm happy that he did. Yeah, his relationship. I mean, our overarching relationship advice always is don't stay with a girl when you go to college for the first time yeah so he did it the wrong way he should have broken up with her and then hooked up with another girl right but given the options that we had we told him to go to the party it's unfortunate that he cheated yeah took the

coward's way out well at least he told his girlfriend he just didn't stretch it out ultimately he didn't take the coward's way out and fessed up like a man. You took the coward's way out, and then you fessed up to being a coward, which I guess makes you a man. You took the coward's way out and the hero's way back in. Congrats, buddy. A full transformation. You went into a phone booth as Clark Kent and left as Superman. And now you're wondering if you should pursue the girl that you cheated on your girlfriend with.

I guess, sure, why the hell not at this point? Right, you're single. You already did the bad thing, which is hooking up with her. Unless it's not cool and scary and dangerous now. I thought the question was, should I pursue the girl I once cheated on? Oh. Is he talking about getting his ex back? Oh, would you still pursue the girl I once cheated on?

Oh, yeah. Or let it go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is asking that. I once cheated. Or is it like, I cheated on my girlfriend with this girl. I once cheated on. Oh, yeah. Or let it go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is asking that. I once cheated. Or is it like, I cheated on my girlfriend with this girl.

I once cheated on with this girl. No, he's talking about the girl that, the girl back at home that dumped him. Should he try to? Okay, yeah, no.

Idiot, shut the fuck up, man. You don't get her. You're a hero, and now you're a coward again. You're taking the hero's way out, the coward's way in, the hero's way out again. I don't even know what the fuck is going on.

There's so many twists and turns to this story. Whatever you are, you must be single. Stop it. Stop this behavior. Then you can go in all the couples' costumes you want. All right. Very nice. Good follow-up.

Very toadah. Very pup. Very follow-up and very pup. How was your last three weeks i haven't seen you in uh since before xmas yeah wow and now it's january it's so january 5th three weeks ago we were recording a podcast in the room next door to here yeah with your brother yeah and then you uh scrammed off to the east coast oh it, it was lovely. And I stayed here. It was great.

I did a nice little mix of, I, you know, raged a little bit. Yeah, you raged a little face. I raged a little face. I saw some old friends. Yeah, you saw some friends' face. I went home. Yeah, you went home face.

I went, I was climbing with my brother, seeing some family, so I climbed face, family times face. And then I FaceTimed with my family face went back into the city raged a little bit it was lovely

it was really I would consider it a perfect perfect vacation I feel like I haven't done any work in three weeks the way the holidays

were structured I feel like I'm a complete waste of space for the last two weeks and that's something that makes you nervous and upset and you're like

oh I don't feel like myself. I should be working. Right. Right now, I've never felt more comfortable and alive. It's just perfect. Your default setting is like relaxing. Yeah. You can be on vacation forever and be fine.

I would never think of that. Yeah. That's why it's so fortunate that we found each other. Because you're the only person in the world that makes me work. Wait, why is it fortunate for me then it's so fortunate that we found each other because you sort of uh talking about myself oh shit i just realized that there was nothing in this for me you're cursed everyone who i come into contact with is cursed i'm blessed yeah i'm touched you're like golden

you're like a virus attacking a body and you're like good thing we found each other because now i have your organs to feast on i'm the anti-mitus touch i'm gold and everything i touch turns to shit uh and we wouldn't have it any other way toe down i actually do secretly resent you. Okay. That actually irks me a bit. Really? Yeah. Just because I don't feel I deserve to be on a Sunday blast.

I know. I understand where you're coming from. I actually do deserve the heat, but not the blast. You deserve the blast, the heat, the resentment. You deserve everything, every day of the week, every minute of the day. You're seething. What? It's making me uncomfortable, the way you're seething right now. Seethe-chief?

I seethe-chief. I'm seething the chief. All right. Should we get back to it? Actually, you read this one. What's up? Yeah, you hot shot. You diva little hot shot ass.

You're afraid of how long it is. It wasn't too long for me. What's his name? Let's go with Anquan Bolden. Anquan? Anquan. Anquan. Anquan Bolden writes. Anquan Bolden writes, I've been with my current Scottish girlfriend for just under a year

now, and it's going swimmingly well. After going out for a while, we introduced one of my dearest Jewish friends to one of her a year now, and it's going swimmingly well. After going out for a while, we introduced one of my dearest Jewish friends to one of her good Scottish friends, and they have also been together for several months now. But here's the sticky situation. A few weeks ago, me and my friend were talking and joking around, and then we started discussing the possibility of whether we would be up for swapping girlfriends for the night, and it quickly emerged that we both very much wanted this as, let's face it, the girls are both

goddamn smoke shows. We're 100% sure our girlfriends would never go for this and would probably break up with us just for discussing it. So, how do we manipulate them into thinking this is a good idea and eventually succumb them into this one night of sexy swinging? Seizing the cheese,

Anquan Boldin. Well, it doesn't sound like you're. Seizing the cheese, Anquan Boldin. Well, it doesn't sound like you're seizing the cheese yet, Anquan. It sounds like you're inquiring as to how you can be able to seize the cheese. The cheese is yet to be seized. Yeah, I like it. I like Anquan Boldin saying, we introduced her to one of my Jewish friends. Yeah, why throw that in? I don't know if I should be offended, but I guess if I'm not, it's fine.

I'll allow it. I think he wants us to know that he's like, they're two Jewish dudes with two Scottish chicks, which is kind of cool. Quan is Jewish. Anytime you're dating a foreign chick, it's cool. Okay, all right. That's sort of a rule of thumb.

After a long, long night of discussing discussing details and logistics these guys are ready to swing yeah uh unfortunately there's a other part of the equation that their girlfriends are so not willing to swing that they would break up with the boys if they even found out they discussed it so when they run into their brick wall they decide to ask us not how do they become better people, but rather how do we hypnotize them to make them think that this is a good idea. That's also so funny. Like, we were joking around about if we'd be down to swing, and it quickly emerged that we are. As it were, we were both pretty very much so down to have no-strings-attached sex with the other person's girlfriend we decided to

slowly explore the possibility and yeah immediately right away fast as lightning we decided we wanted to fuck each other's girls without without very much hesitation much doubt or time we decided yeah then we realized there was this emotional obstacle of, do we want to try to convince them? And yes, it turned out quickly that we would love to manipulate the girls we care about. He did say manipulate, right? Verbatim, he used the word manipulate. Anytime you're using the word manipulate, don't.

Another rule of thumb, don't manipulate. The advice would be not to. So how do we manipulate them into thinking this is a good idea um all that being said you just got to make it seem like it's their idea everybody wants to have a good idea so you want to make them think that they have the idea and that you guys are down and that they're putting it on y'all for example uh you guys are all out to get it you're all out getting drunk or yet how the ir Irish say, a little sauce there, laddie. They said they were Scottish. Okay.

And that's not what Irish people say either. I don't think you've ever left America. As the Jews say, a little sauce there, laddie. Laddie-er. Not me frosted lucky juice you just want to like hope that it comes out like maybe that one girl's like oh this

guy's cute and it's like oh well he thinks you're pretty I don't know it's not I can't fucking create this scenario you just have to feel it would you be down to fuck my fuck my woman you really can't you obviously can never broach it maybe maybe maybe there's like some joking that you could do that puts it in their minds in the back of their minds and sort

of oh some inception like but have you think have you thought about whispering swinging into her ears while she napped i will say there's a chance that they're down for no strings attached sex everybody likes sex. You're putting it on these women that they want to be in a mundane, monogamous relationship with you and your Jewy little friend. That's not necessarily true. They might like swinging as well. In fact, once I'm done swinging, I'd like to stay with your girl. Has that ever happened? The full switchereroo swung so hard that you stayed swung so hard motherfucker

want to switch wives that shit would be cray yeah i oh man the other day i was like i just like i always um needle my dad i guess i'm a bit of a pervert ass when it comes to my dad so i was asking my dad what him uh i was like what are you and mom doing tonight it's like oh we're going to a party at the cataldos and i was like oh cool he's going he's like guys claudia and peter he's like naming everybody that there's like there's like eight eight people's there's there's four different couples so it's like 10 people total and I was like, would you ever consider swinging? And he was like, no. I was like, you guys never thought about swinging?

And he was like, I couldn't really trade up. Which is the nice thing. I hope nobody's listening that is insulted by that, that was at that party. I'm sure they're not. But it's such a nice thing to say about my mom. Yeah, he's like, I've already reached the pinnacle. Why would I? I couldn't pull out a set of keys that puts me with a better woman. That is the nicest thing your dad's ever said to anyone in your family.

It's true. That was beautiful. Daddy. I mean, I'm very conservative in my viewpoint. So obviously I would never do this, but would there be a time and place in your life where you would consider switching ladies with your friend? I don't think because when i commit to somebody i i'm like really attached to them i guess if it's like at the end of your relationship where you're like but at the same time you wouldn't want your friend boning your girlfriend no i think i would want if there's ever a time it would be when i was like very casually dating someone that i did not see any future with right but as soon as i as I fall for someone, I would definitely not want them to be... You're just thinking about Dave Rosenberg fucking her.

I'm always only thinking about Dave Rosenberg fucking the girl that I like. Even when I'm not talking about this, your default thinking is Dave Rosenberg fucking a girl that I like. Or one of my exes. Just like somebody. Somebody I care about. Always Dave Rosenberg fucking somebody I love. We should get Dave ones. Just like somebody. Somebody I care about. Always Dave Rosenberg. Fucking somebody I love. We should get Dave on the show.

I would love nothing more. He could be our Carl Pilkington. Who's that? He's like the interesting dude on the Ricky Gervais podcast where they just pick his mind and it's just such an interesting brain. Oh, wow.

I'd love to just spend an hour in it. We should do one where we don't answer any advice and just talk to Dave Rosenberg for an hour. About his views about women, whether or not the moon we should do one where we don't have any, we don't answer any advice. We just talk to Dave Rosenberg. About his views about women, whether or not the moon is a, is an army colony.

We're stoned on in Ann Arbor. That's what he was talking about. Right. Yeah. Wasn't he like, he was like, we were talking about like, do we,

do you guys think we're like all talking about like, do we think the moon landing is real? And everybody's talking about the fucking conspiracy theories. And then Dave was like, well, like, I'm not even sure the moon is real. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Dave wasn't sure the moon was real. Okay, Dave. Who's to say it's a moon or a sphere of cheese that we can't reach?

You're wearing a bathing suit, Dave. It's November in Michigan and you're out wearing a bathing suit instead of underwear. How about this for a hypothesis? I don't think you're real. I really don't think you are real. All right. So for this question, suffice to say, don't bring this up. Don't try to manipulate anybody.

Maybe there's a world that they want to swing on their own accord. And maybe there's a way to slowly hint that you guys would be down and take the first micro step in that direction so little that it's almost not even a step test the waters here's a good way to test the waters right off the bat say you had a dream where they swung yeah dreams nice because then it's like oh you can't blame me that's my subconscious yeah that's true or is that very like or you know what's another good thing i feel like you guys are all out somewhere uh maybe you like one of you comes back from the bathroom puts your hand around one of the girl's waist and it's not your girlfriend oh my god i'm sorry i thought you were i thought you

were my girlfriend oh shit we should fuck we're all talking we're all joking about that like oh what if we did that yeah you know Or like pay a friend to be like, you know what, I always thought you guys would look better with the other ones. Yeah, or have a friend that just like is meeting you guys

for the first time and is like, whose girlfriend is whose? Oh wait, let me guess, you guys are perfect for each other. I can imagine the sexual chemistry there, the sexual chemistry there, the sexual chemistry there.

This is what the guy would do in real time. Like, holy shit. He was a robot they misprogrammed he was a robot the whole time uh and we'll we'll totally be on the lookout for an email from a lady uh asking the same question maybe they're having the same conversation that you guys are me and my two my me and my smoking hot scottish friend want to swing with these two jews here's another funny way to imagine it.

It's like they're in the kitchen whispering like, do you think they would go for it? That's crazy, right? Swinging. Then it like pans to the living room and the two girls are just 69ing. Or the two girls are just being like, we really have to dump these losers.

We can hear everything they're saying. They both suck. I mean, one's a Jew for crying out loud. I think they're both Jew. Look at me. I'm Scots. I'm a Scotch. I'm a Scotsman. All right, that's it. We crying out loud. I think they're both Jew. Look at me. I'm Scots. I'm a Scotch. I'm a Scotsman.

All right, that's it. We're out of time. All right. So, episode 50. In the books, on the books. News and notes. What do you guys think? Let's talk about what we think can be improved right off the bat.

Jake, you've been slipping in terms of you're being ill-prepared, and you're not helping out as much as I think you should be. You're also not providing enough humorous commentary. We want to be able to laugh. This is a very public blast, buddy. I just have a text document of 45 things. All right, you go. What do you think is wrong about me?

The text document, for one. You just have a piece of paper that says, I love you. You're perfect just the way you are uh shit oh well i think i could figure some shit out some constructive criticism god damn it give me more time that's that's number two i mean unless you never give me enough time to work on shit uh all right. Thank you guys so much for listening. Some of you guys have listened to all 50 episodes, which is pretty amazing.

Incredible. Thank you. Some of you guys have only listened to 49. You're slipping. At the end of the day, that's not being supportive. That's not being helpful. Should we talk about the live podcast that we're doing? Oh, yeah.

This is the first episode we've had since we announced our first live podcast in our first live show in LA, basically. We've never ever performed in LA. So this is it. It's a pretty small theater. It's at the UCB Theater in LA. If you go to their website,

on January 30th at 7 p.m., we're going to be doing a show, Get Your Tickets Fast, because it's such a small room that it actually will sell out pretty quickly, I think. So hop on that. It would be awesome to pack the room with fans of ours, specifically fans of the podcast.

Yeah, so that's where we're gonna we're gonna advertise it here yeah and only here and on only here and on our Facebook page and on Reddit yeah and on Reddit and on Twitter okay yeah and also on our site and jakeandamir.com also I'm gonna hire some dudes with like a sandwich board just a flyer just a flyer just a flyer that's smart

you're shitting ass uh yeah that first theme song was from Thomas and this Just a fly. That's smart. You're shitting. My ass. Yeah, that first theme song was from Thomas, and this last one is from Max and AJ. If you have your own theme song, we start and end every episode with an all-new theme song. Thanks to you guys, our talented fans. And if you guys have one or have an email

or have a question of your own that you'd like to email in, that email address is ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. We're trying to get through every single submission, so please, no submission is in vain. We also don't want to focus on relationship stuff. We're getting a lot of relationship questions, but any sticky situation that you find yourself in, professionally, personally, educationally,

or in any other arena, let us know. We're relationship-y. Honestly, we could... I'm not afraid of them. I'll do it. I'll have a relationship advice podcast. Don't dare me. We can make fun of you regardless of what you ask is what we're trying to say.

So thanks, guys, for listening to this and for listening to the first 50 episodes. Here's to 50 more before I kill myself. Toe down. Later, everyone. What would you do if I were you? If I were you? Would you give me a show? Would you stop to let me know?

Would you tell me what to do? What would you do if I were you? If I were you? Would you help me out? Give me a shout out. Would you tell me what to do? Thank you.