Segments - 500: Memory Lane

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

In this episode we discuss some old bits, some new questions, and reminisce about the origin of this show. Thanks to all our Day 1's, Day 500's and everybody else in between.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com.

That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. A little nervous, but we don't have to use it. Right. It's like the lowest stakes ever. The absence of stakes. Should we give these people's names on the questions? Yeah.

I think we should make them up. All right. Here we go. All right. This is my singing debut. This is my love song. It's recording? Yeah.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now. There we go. That was awful. Respect. There it is. The first episode, May something or other, 2013, eight years later. Can you imagine? Here we are, episode 500.

We peaked early. I was thinking we would sound differently like little boys but i guess i was still like 29 years old so it makes sense that i sounded relatively similar to what i sound right i yeah i kind of had the exact same uh thought but then i was like oh yeah i guess my voice hasn't changed since 2013 that's that tracks but it does change like at age 50 will sound differently, I assume. A 50-year-old sounds different than a 25-year-old. Doesn't he? I don't know.

I think it doesn't really change until you're like 80, and then you're like this. Yeah. So everyone sounds like they're 4 until they're 12, and then they sound like they're 20 until they're 9. I actually sounded like this when I was 2. My first word was Mom! Mom, in that exact voice.

Yeah, you didn't want to waste any goo-goo, ga-ga, this, that, and the other. I just said, when I grow up, I want to be a paleontologist. That was my first sentence. Yeah. All right, sweet. So what do you remember of that first memory lane style? What do you have cooking up there about our first record? Do you remember where it was?

I remember where it was. It was on Berry Street in the one-bedroom apartment that you had there. I remember the—actually, it's funny because with all of the golden mic-ish, our first microphones were actually emerald and gold yeah i remember asking jeff rubin um what he uh used to record on and he gave me a suggestion i think of these microphones that i already forget and i fairly early on we realized they were not great and one of them just stopped working entirely remember when we were recording in allison williams's hotel room and her microphone just wouldn't work anymore yeah they were they looked good though they were photogenic they looked great yeah it looked really

good yeah we should bring this back just for the the style of them all the nostalgia factor yeah um i do remember i remember um i mean i did, I mean, I did a lot of research. I did a lot of research before this, uh, recording cause it's so monumental. So I, first of all, I found the origin of this podcast. Wow. Um, so the origin origin was an email from our agent. This is the one that I sent you. Do you want me to read a part

of it wait this is before we even started the podcast that's right yes okay okay yeah yeah okay let me one second we should say for those of you listening as a podcast right now um we're also live streaming this thing so people can ask us questions. Chime in live. We've got a few hundred people watching as we speak. Well, let me see. And yeah, just so this is live. Now you have to vamp because I can't find it. And we have to just make sure that everything is orderly and set up and organized so that we don't have to kill any time, waste any time. So let's hear it the email the opening email the origin story and it goes a little something like this hold on it's it's a little it's tough to find it's tough to find that's why yeah that's

why i actually found it beforehand uh well the thing is i actually i sent it to you i sent it to you that's why me now it's on well it would be in your inbox i have to go through my fucking scent yeah and i know you send close to 40 emails a minute because you also moonlight as a bot that sort of sends spam from your email account it's impossible to see it really does not make sense oh wait no here it is i have it is. I have it. I have it. Nice. It was part of another email. Love that. Okay. By the way, Jared Oates just wrote in the chat, that's a turdy for Amir.

For what? How is that a turdy for me? For not having that on hand. I sent it to you. I sent it to you, Blumenfeld. I sent it to you. Okay? You produced you, Blumenfeld. I sent it to you, okay? You produced this. Okay, anyway.

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012. Andrew Russell, shout out to Andrew. Why don't you and Amir have a podcast? Great question. That is November 12th. And I said, like of our videos or like a separate thing because yeah at this point you have no idea what a podcast is or something like yeah and i think it like it also in my research i had found another i like i searched the word podcast

and i found the earliest um time it was mentioned in my email and one of them like there was we had just found out that like somebody had made a podcast a video podcast of all of the jake and amir's like in order and we found out it was a popular podcast right but it was just but it wasn't yeah it was just our videos anyway um he he writes back separate thing that is not college humor related at all. Podcasts in the comedy space are becoming huge. This is in 2012. Wow. Um, lots of no name comics are starting to build on their podcast.

And then he lists them all off. Who the fuck is Mark Maron? Um, and then he writes, he writes the thing you guys did at Yeshiva University was funny just put that onto a podcast it's perfect which was a Q&A that we did at a Jewish University in New York that's right sometimes the organizer

of an event was just a Jake and Amir fan like let's do an evening with Jake and Amir because that person wanted to meet us and then the audience had no idea who we were so it was a little lopsided in that way but he I guess he heard it and thought it was funny he thought this could be a podcast um and I write back truth Amir actually suggested this once we do have a deep bench of people who would be awesome to interview wow I think it's a matter of learning how the thing works which Amir already. I just emailed him and asked what he thought about doing it. I'll keep you posted.

And so I did forward this to you, and I wrote, podcast suggestion from Andrew Russell, maybe it's time. And you didn't respond, but that's fine. Okay. I remember one of the big fears was that like, do we do it in character? Is it because people only knew us as these characters? Like the number one question you got asked is, is Amir really like that? I guess people thought it was like almost a borderline documentary series. How could I, this dumb ass host a podcast? It makes no sense.

And it was weird. We'd been on the internet forever. And I guess we had like Tumblrs and stuff, but we didn't even really have like, you know, there's no Instagram. There was not a lot of like being ourselves out there in the world at all. It was all just like-

In character. Us playing dumb versions of ourselves. Yeah, all scripted. So yeah, we didn't think that we could just be like ourselves on a podcast. And then a bizarre idea. And before we even came up with the advice idea, it was just, do we interview our friends? And you had the idea that it should be like bad advice is the theme of the podcast, right? Yes.

So this is the other origin of the actual podcast. An email that I wrote to myself, which I do sometimes as like notes with the subject line podcast. This is also in April of 2013. So a couple of months after Andrew's. Yeah. April 2013. We must have been talking about doing a podcast in general, but not knowing what it was going to be. So I write podcast. The body of the email says,

advice like car talk, relationship advice. So that is the first, that's the inception of If I Were You. Right, which is, you wanted it to be like a car talk radio show that you used to listen to, but those guys were experts. Yes.

Right, but the thing I always loved about car talk was that I know nothing about cars. And some, and you didn't have to, cause people would call in and they would ask them questions. Like they'd ask them car questions, but it was really just about getting the brothers clicking clack to talk to each other and hearing them laugh and make each other laugh and like

teasing their uh their callers in and stuff right so um so i was like well what can miyamir wax about that's like car talk what do we know about the answer was nothing but i was like i guess that we're not experts at anything yeah which is like oh so we could just give people bad life advice yes um and that was the origin so we just called it if i were you because then we can't be wrong when it's just talking about our opinions this is just what we would do yeah and did you get that other email that i sent you which is the first chat that you and i had uh yes but why don't you read that or should we read it uh back and forth like a script right now? That's exactly what we should do. Wow, okay.

So this is a Gmail, a Gchat conversation. Remember those? Yeah, a Gchat conversation with you April 29th. So it's like a couple days after I, three days after I wrote myself that email. All right, so I'll start with me saying bad advice with jake and amir and then i said my friend rami shout out to rami says there's already a podcast like that and then i sent you a link to my brother my brother and me which i guess had already existed at the time

and was very similar and i said i don't know if it matters, though. And then I said, I thought you found one called Bad Advice. And I said, yeah, there's one that like that, too. But this one is more popular. And then I sent a clip of Jeff Rubin telling me that he had an idea to do an episode of his show where he answers advice, podcasts and columns from other people. So one week we're answering Dan Savage's letters. One week we're doing Seventeen. One week we're answering questions from a religious podcast. And I say, so we are guests giving advice on advice podcasts?

And I said, no, we take questions that people posed on different sites and podcasts and answer them ourselves. And I say, oh, ha ha ha. questions that people posed on different sites and podcasts and answer them ourselves and i say oh i guess advice shows are not original in any way just calling one bad advice is copying yes exactly and then i said i guess there are hundreds of advice podcasts so we would just need a creative hook like that um and then i say maybe we bill it as what I would do, what I would do Wednesday with Jake and Amir. That way we can be funny,

because what I would do is usually something dumb or crazy, and then we end by saying, maybe what you should do is blank. Right, and then at a certain point, we start coming up with name ideas, if you scroll down a little bit. Oh, yeah. Instant domain search.

Shout out the website we still use for finding Squaresite domains. That's right. I write ifimu.com is available. Pretty good. And I say if I am, if I apostrophe M U. Excuse me.

I didn't sneeze in the chat. That was just sort of, yeah. And then I say, if I am you, if I'm you, if I were you.com are all available. Um,

and I say, Oh, and I say true, true. And then I said, oddly enough, advice podcast.com is available to boring. Ha ha. That's nuts. And I think it is. Maybe thatcast.com is available. Too boring? Ha ha, that's nuts.

And I think it is. Maybe that's why it's available. Advice podcast. And I said, no human is... In retrospect, we should have got it. And then you say, maybe that's why it's available. And I said, ha ha, no human is that boring. And then I say, if I were you, podcast. Oh, now we're getting real close.

Too long? I say, what about what i would do show that's also long what about if podcast doc i just blow by your recommendation that we end up using and i say kind of nice maybe we should name the podcast first uh and i suggest podcrastinate.com and we laugh so yes we're trying we don't have a name for the podcast. We're trying to buy a domain first. Yeah. And then you write, ha ha ha, if I were you is pretty good.

There you go. And then I suggested also what I would do. Yep. And then I say, I think I'd like if I were you. And then I said, W-W-M-E-D, what would me sis do instead of jesus do and then i said if i were you show.com is available and i say i like if i were you show all right i told the idea to rami he likes it too look at us now we're really going wow um and then do you want to read your last uh the last thing you said to me right before i say bad attitude no yeah of course yeah of absolute course so there we have it that was

sort of the origin of coming up with the name so as usual you just like head gum you came up with the name. So as usual, just like HeadGum, you came up with it. Wow. I'm good at naming things, I guess. That's why you won probably the first Golden Mike. It was based on the fact that you came up with the name idea. And then I got my brother to make the podcast art for it. Yeah. Wow.

And I think your brother was the first person that ever made art that looked like my face yeah you were hesitant at first because any um any art that we did for busted t's for t-shirts never looked like you when we went to make them yeah that's right uh and it's funny because now in retrospect i kind of think that the original jake and amir so ace shirt did look like me at the time i just gave everyone a hard time yeah who who did that illustration do you even remember i think it was treywin uh oh wow uh okay so that was that's the pre-origin and we actually kept that artwork for like eight years up until like two weeks ago yeah we really we like just switched it way way way too long uh all right i also wanted to talk about the running bits that began with episode one episode one had our first episode one

origin story for our running bits but let's take a break we'll thank some sponsors come back and answer questions maybe on the other side of these messages thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase

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the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back uh okay do you remember the bit that we made in episode one um i believe it was killing yourself at a Starbucks. That's correct. Do you remember the questions that were submitted for that episode? So we've discussed this before, but I do remember that we made them all up. That's what, yeah, that's what I want to get to. We couldn't answer questions that were submitted because the podcast didn't exist yet. So we just fabricated three questions to answer. One of them let us down a bit where a guy was either threatening to or we suggested that he should threaten to kill himself in a Starbucks.

That's crazy. I don't remember which one, which question that was. Yeah, I don't remember either. There was something about like, my boss is taking me to dinner and I don't have the money and I want to, but I feel bad asking him to split or something like that. Yeah, I should say that none of the other questions since then have been fake. So while we are copping to that, everything else has been 100% real. But the killing yourself in a Starbucks was a running bit that we did for like the first few months of the show. Yeah, and people still reference it

when they're like out of options. They're like, should I try this, this, or should I kill myself in a Starbucks? The answer is never that, obviously. And then a little bit after that was Seize the Cheese, which came up either in that episode or like the first few episodes as well. Yeah, I feel like Seize the Cheese was later on. It was definitely not the first episode because we wouldn't have been able to

come up with that question it was like the guy whose friend's dad was trying to take him to a car show but he was like shouldn't i go with my dad or something like that yeah it sees the car a police seizure auction and then we referenced seizing the cheese in a way i thought he's i thought it the seize the cheese was his own thing or did you maybe it was no yeah you just it was a something you did about grabbing nacho cheese yeah our fans are chiming in in the chat saying that um the seize the cheese was the name of the episode. And then another earlier runner, which was the Yo Do You, which you would say is Yoda or something like that. Oh, yeah.

Yo Do You was kind of a Drake impression that I did way back then. Yes, that's what it was. Yo Do You. Yeah, wasn't that a shirt at some point too? I don't know if we ever made it a shirt because I don't think we ever knew if it was You Do You or Yo Do You. Right. Hashtag dope was a shirt. That was something i used to say for a while we're getting all these great bits that we forgot about uh tom fletcher weighs in with surge dude

yeah remember that one from maybe year three or four and crowbar 5555 with the kanye shout out to i mean it was kanye but really it was dave rosenberg was the reason i did that bit all the time yeah you impersonating kanye was a bit that we kept alive for weeks at a time uh serge dude being a real guy that we met named serge yep serge uh but the bit was that his friend was i guess him and serge were four-year-olds and they wanted to just sort of hang out they talk cool but they do kindergarten or stuff yeah i want to do a coloring book with you man hopefully i fucking guess who dude just me and you serge um oh right raven's nest people are bringing up shorty steps based on a real book a Which is based on a real book, a real house that we found. Yeah, it was a real house.

It's funny because we were doing this bit for such a long time, just you and I. I think we eventually put this in Lonely and Horny, too. We called this house Shangri-La meets La La Land, Nirvana, Utopia. A house so good, we don't even deserve to live in it. Yeah. But we were laughing so much doing this bit. We were like, well, we want to put it on the show. But there was a time that we actually thought we might live there.

Or at the very least, it's in our neighborhood. So we changed the name to Raven's Nest. But do you remember the actual name of the street? Yes, it was in Los Feliz. The street was called Einvernes. Yes. Which already sounds very mythical and cool. We would raise a glass to Einvernes.

The house was like $10,000, $15,000 a month. It was like a four-bedroom modern mansion with a pool, floor-to-ceiling glass amenities. Everything was super nice. We could not afford it, and we didn't live there. a month like it was like a four bedroom modern mansion with a pool like floor to ceiling glass amenities everything was super nice we could not afford it and we didn't live there yeah exactly ryan ford nor should we have lived there jake's dad is a gourd my dad's been the butt of many jokes and as as my mom my mom is an angel my dad is a gremlin that that for sure i like my dad's money um yes mom turn off the podcast amen yep yep that was a classic one uh john wolf who another one is based on reality but he's just a really nice guy but we joked about this idea of a guy john wolf who would troll society like the joker to the point

do you remember the point where he used to introduce himself in crowded bars as glocal because it was just because it makes no sense and it's hard to hear and nobody would believe that that was uncomfortable it's a needling little dickling thing to do introduces his name as it makes people feel weird why would he do that? His name is global. It makes people feel weird. Why would he do that? Well, that's why. That's why he would do that. It's not like illegal, I guess. It's not illegal. It's just weird, sort of morally questionable behavior.

Yeah. Kobe, RIP, before he passed away, was a running gag was him being in the corner of all of our podcasts, but being too shy to talk. Yeah, that was good stuff. And then Matt Damon, of course. I think that one might have lasted longer than most. Yeah, almost as long as the Golden Mike.

Actually, Damon's back in the news. I don't know if you've been seeing more of Damon, but now that Damon has resurfaced, I think somebody sent me a tweet that he did The Hot Ones, the show where you try to answer questions while being too sweaty and spiced out from spicy chicken wings. Oh, wow. And that's basically, we always were just like,

Matt Damon doesn't get flustered. So if he does, yeah, that's going to come our way. Do you think Matt Damon, like, sweats from eating something too spicy and is like, oh, God, this is really, really spicy. I can't enjoy this meal. That would never happen to Damon. Right, unless he did it on purpose in which case yeah uh and then uh what was the most recent one was the of course the golden mike one yeah long running yeah now that it's episode 500

should we say that we both should we say that we both have won one at this point? Like, sort of call an end to the... It's a monumental episode number, but it's actually... This is only my 499th Golden Mike, because I wasn't able to do one episode of the podcast. So I haven't won every single Golden Mike. So it's not that much of a milestone, is all I'm saying. I already won the Golden Mic this episode

because we sort of proved that I had the idea for If I Were You and the name. So it's kind of like, how on earth would you get that? You tried to name the podcast, What Would Mises Do? So that's the turdy for you that's a joke people are chiming in in the chat yeah people yeah i mean i don't even it's cool to see it in the chat wow i don't

even get to man let me we could almost do this every week okay so casso actually his new life yeah okay so that's correct ben schwartz has won too. So my unprecedented run and dominance has not been solidified yet. Maybe at 500, I hang up the mantle. I hang up the crown. I rest on my laurels. But today, I humbly and happily accept the 498th Golden Mike. And I appreciate it. I'm chuffed, cheesedesed honored and humbled by your generosity

it's really cool to see it here in the chat ross i haven't said anything i've asked for they're not being generous they're they're fucking tom anning says you this is only the beginning and i fucking respect that popcorn Popcorn says congrats, Jake. Just really, really cool stuff. Why are you taking it so seriously? McMuffin, Jake, our humble king. Jesus Christ, I feel like a tear's coming to my goddamn eye. Why? Because it means a lot to me.

Because it means a lot to me. And it obviously means jack shit to you, but why would it? Because you only have 500 fucking turdies because you're a joke all right um people are referencing gattier and i being elementary school friends which is an also a solid bit from back that was a bit that was entirely on like your own too i think just one day you said it there are some bits that you and i talk about like especially when we were living together we would often like do bits just in the house yeah and then they would make their way to the podcast but got you was one that surprised me even at the time

even though you were my roommate the joke being that in fifth grade i was sort of best friends with gattier yeah so he he and i the same, I guess, Jewish middle school, for lack of a better term. And it was me, Gautier, and a few other friends, and I would just hang out with Gautier. You, Gautier, Rami, Ofer. Actually, it does kind of make sense. All of your friends kind of, like, yeah.

Ofer could also be a big musician just based on the name. They all have uniquely Jewish names, and Gautier could be one of them. And it was just, yeah, mean Gautier, playing NBA Jam until all hours of the night. Oh, The Pinch, of course. How can we forget The Pinch? Yeah, that was a fun one where I think we just picked up an episode by introducing ourselves as Vance and the Pinch. Made a joke about how it should stick and then... Vance didn't, but the Pinch did.

The Pinch being, of course, a crab that you would also become sort of during live shows. Right, so I would come out during live shows and I would yell, and then do the pinching with my hands um we did so many live shows like it geared like three four five i feel like we must have done like 50 60 70 live shows all around the all around the world yeah man we yeah there's so many fucking shows um what was our first live show was it in brooklyn it was in brooklyn podcast it was in brooklyn it was at littlefield and i remember specifically being backstage and like you streeter our manager brian and andrew uh everyone was just like mystified at how honest i was on the podcast and it's like because you were because i was single and insane yeah yeah you would admit to it

which was sort of the theme of the first hundred or so episodes. Right. And once we lived in LA, I was like, I basically had, I think that was when I started dating Jill. Like the last year of the show, or the last, in like 20, I don't even know like when we announced that I was getting married. But that was like when people found, that's like when a lot of people found out that i wasn't single anymore yeah that had to be like a bombshell that we dropped right yeah it's really funny um some people asking for the

virginity story do you want to own up to that or do you want to leave it be um well I can tell everybody that the story that I told on the road is false. Wow. Yeah. Wow. I mean, if you saw the show, I think it's a good thing. I think anybody that saw the show would know that it's a good thing that that's not a real story. So what's the story there? No, we don't have to get into the real story.

But people wanted to hear your virginity story. You made one up one time. Right. We came up with it together. You told it. I don't know why this happened, but people wanted me to tell my virginity story. The chat is going off saying that this is a turdy. Yeah. Does that mean I get the mic? Well, well it's too late i can't win the turdy i'm protected by winning the golden mic this

episode but i respect everybody's um don't dab don't dab don't dab because people listening to this at home aren't gonna understand what was happening amir was waddling around the room dabbing okay yeah so we wanted to come up with a funny entertaining virginity story that wouldn't get anybody in trouble um but you can you can tell in public and you always swore to the audience to secrecy because we wouldn't record it or release it yes because i didn't i don't know why we i I have no idea like why. This story took on like a life of its own, then it got too big for me. It's my prank wars. This is what it is. Yes, exactly.

It's mythical proportions. Do you want to tell what the story was that we told people that it was? I don't know. It's so uncomfortable. Basically, you sleeping with someone that then became part of your family later on. Yeah, the idea was that my uncle paid someone for sex to take my virginity when I was young, and then he fell in love with that person, eventually married him. Great story, by the way. As far as stories, if that were true, that would be a great story. The punchline of the story always was just like people were aghast, like aghast, applauding, excited, horrified.

Because I would just be like, the short story is I fucked my aunt. And then everybody fucking applauded that for some reason. It was great to build in an applause break within the show itself. No, it was really fun. It was fun to tell that story in its heyday. In the last couple years telling that story, anyone can understand why and they can imagine that I got less and less comfortable telling that story over time. And people would always kind of chant until I did.

So I had to, but I didn't like it. So I'm glad that I can retire it now. It's good. It's nice to put an end in an episode 500. My aunts, multiple aunts of mine came to the show where I had to tell that story. And I had to warn them up top. Multiple cousins of mine came to the show where I had to be like, this story is not about your mom or dad. It's not, it's, it's not my real uncle.

The story is made up. And then I also mentioned that Jon Snow fucks Daenerys in Game of Thrones, who is his aunt. So I think George RR Martin and I are two of the, I mean, the greatest storytellers of all time. I mean, we don't do standup,

but like that joke is basically the equivalent of like we crafted a joke that we told every night and it did well every night it's like coming up with i guess a really good bit but the difference is we kind of cheated because we were able to convince people it was true so that's part of the shock value and um it wasn't necessarily a joke that we came up with from scratch but but you know telling it telling that story to that packed tent in dublin that's one of the highlights of my life so i'll always have that telling that story oh man and the fucking um what was the name of the theater that we did in sydney the metro the sydney metro yeah it was like 1200 people there oh god yeah that was fucking incredible that was insane i was also

almost 1200 people watching this one right now so if you think about it full circle a little bit very cool um another running bit which we can bring back for the third act of this podcast is the game boy i don't quite remember the origin of the Game Boy, but maybe when we come back after these messages, we can play a little Game Boy. Oh, nice. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. All right, we're back. We should say that we're going to try to answer some questions from the people in the chat. So if you have any questions there, we can play the Game Boy. And also we should say that uh jake and amir is coming back our first new episode uh we shot three new episodes the first of which is releasing i guess as soon as this is done i'll put it on our youtube we're gonna throw it up we're gonna throw it up i want to clarify one thing on our first jake and amir actually because this is a good chance okay um we we basically the first first episode back, we were like, let's see. We were high. We were so high.

We didn't know what to do. We were being random. We thought we could do it ourselves. We thought we could do it ourselves. We were like, we're doing a quick cuts thing. iPhone cameras are nice. That's what we film Patreon on. Easy.

Let's just put, we'll use like, we have nice microphones. Let's film it ourselves and we'll get good sound i don't think it looks as good um as the we filmed three total but two of them we used nice cameras we like rented good equipment i see so i just want to tell i don't want anybody to think that this is the the first one is the quality at least video wise going forward comedy wise yes comedy wise yes we which yeah was it that much work it was still better than what half jake and amir videos right just because iphones are a lot better than anything we shot on for the first 500 episodes video quality, it's better than anything we shot in Park Avenue, let's say.

And it is one of the stuff from IAC. Also, it's one of those classic episodes that the outtakes might be funnier than the actual video, which we're putting on our Patreon. So episode for free on YouTube. It's a quick cuts one. And then the outtakes we're putting on our Patreon. So hopefully everyone gets to enjoy that.

That's right. All right. Game Boy is a game we invented when we couldn't come up with, or I couldn't find enough questions to answer. So let's come up with like some phrases to search in our Gmail inbox and see if we can answer some randomly. Yeah. It was something that we actually used to do sometimes before like live

shows. Cause it was tedious to just like go through question by question looking for good ones and we always wanted like the best possible questions for live shows so we would search words that were funny like one time i searched diaper and it gave us a lot of like good questions so we're like so it was just something that we would do sometimes when we're trying to zero in on like a funny or unique question correct and then i think we decided to play it one day when neither of us had found questions for the episode like let's just do it live live um all right so i don't know do you remember the origin of actually

becoming a half man half game boy no who's sort of orgasms every time he hears the word game no that happens slowly over time i don't think there is like a moment where it uh where it happened uh oh how about we get some game boy suggestions from the the audience here i like that i also want to shout out michael trainer for saying that you look like leo messi which is something i've been saying for a long time yeah my dad has been beating that drum for a while too he wants me to like either dress up as him for Halloween, just sort of get tattoos like that anyway. It's kind of cool because he's the goat,

but he's also just like a five foot seven inch sort of normal looking dude. So it's not like I look like Ronaldo, but he is a very talented athlete. So that's also cool. True, true. People like me are not used to looking like great athletes. So I'll sort of take what we can get. I like this Johanna's suggestion of seaweed. Oh, that's pretty good.

All right, I'm searching seaweed in our email. April Hill also has egg, which could be good if you spell it wrong, like April keeps on doing, with multiple Gs. Who suggested seaweed? Juhana, I think. She fucking hole- one not only is it a one but it's a question and there's no other spam involved it's a true game boy victory in one you won the game oh and if it's like it if it's an actual good question then then this is the equivalent of a perfect game, not just a no-hitter. Insane.

Absolutely insane. Johanna is the game boy. Johanna Montima. So, yeah. This is an email from December 17, 2014, the only one in our inbox of thousands of emails that uses the word seaweed. And it's short and sweet. December 2014. I can't stress how much this person nailed it wow it's so early in uh let's let's give them a fake name how about we call this person yuhana who wrote this uh who suggested

it right all right yeah yuhana writes uh working at subway first day on the job the door opens my first customer a very small korean girl comes up to the register i'd like all right this might be a joke uh i'd like a footlong cock sandwich shit lord she says i don't know how to respond so i got the bread out i see this is the problem with um game boy You sort of go in blind. And sometimes people are sort of like... This is not on Johanna, though. No. Yeah, no. They did win.

It's a no-hitter, but it's not a perfect game. Yeah. This isn't a true question. At one point, this person yells and says, put some fucking mayo and don't forget the seaweed, she shouted. Should I quit because of this? Yeah, I don't think this is a true question. I don't forget the seaweed, she shouted. Should I quit because of this? Yeah, I don't think this is a true question. I don't think this is a real question.

And this is actually a good peek behind the curtain. A lot of the questions we get are people trying to be funny. Right. And we are usually pretty good about, you know, knowing that. Yohana wrote this. Wow. Can you imagine that? A fucking double agent wrote an email.

Of global proportions. Yeah. Why would this person do it? It's just an absolute John Wolf thing to do. Yeah. It's not illegal. Turdy for Johanna. You gotta hate to see it, but I think, I really think it is a turdy.

No. You tried to, Johanna won the game. That's a turdy for you. Your you had to won the game. That's a 30 for you. Your second 30 of the episode. Is there another one or another question from the chat that you've been seeing? Somebody said search turbo. Turbo. Wow.

Turbo. It feels like there's a lot. Thomas Richardson says, it's two words, but iron lung, which is pretty funny. I'll search turbo first. All right. Well, turbo is pretty good. There's five okay not bad any unread one unread okay and it is for a george foreman grill huh yeah it's just uh oh it's an ad that's okay so are there are they all ads uh no four of them are real questions one of them is an ad.

Give me the subject lines. What is the sexiest Slayer mobile a cowboy can roll hard in? Are you sure that's a question? What's the sexiest Slayer mobile a cowboy can roll hard in? They're asking for car buying buying advice perhaps should i read it yeah hey turbo virgins nice which by the way is not even true yeah yeah i fucked my aunt actually i'll have you know i'm a cowboy dumbass i'm a cowboy dumbass 15 kid shit-ass year old with an ace in the hole to make me not die alone like a diva roach.

I live on a ranch in the middle of the country. I go to high school on the West Coast. And in that the age is 17 or something dumb. So that means this coming summer, I'm gonna get fucking wheels. It seems like there's some words missing here. So I'm gonna buy a car and drive it across the mountains before the school year.

Then hopefully I can get me this coastal dime I fucking fell for by accident. But here's the question. What is the hottest car slash truck I can get without spending way too much so weirdly written question but he's basically asking what's the coolest car you can get for 23 000 i like that um i i think it's a little pickup truck i think it's a little pickup truck but i'm biased because that's what i had for a long time how much was your pickup truck when you bought it?

$10,000. And you bought it when you moved to LA originally, like 10 years ago. Yeah, I bought it in 20, I guess it was like 2012. And you bought, it was a 10 year old car at the time. Yeah, it was a 2001. So it was an 11 year old car, Toyota Tacoma 4Runner.

Not 4Runner. Sorry. Pre-Runner. V6. Rear-wheel drive. You go to a used car salesman or? Yeah, yeah. I think I went to like-

Or just a guy on Craigslist. No, it was autotrader.com. I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted a tacoma and did you have a price in mind were you like 10 000 is my upper limit i'll take it 10 000 was the tops i wanted to spend eight but i went big because i had to because i had the pre-runner of my dreams and you how many miles did that car come in do you remember and then how many have you added since 100,000 miles on that car when I bought it but Toyota's they'll run

forever there's 190,000 on it now so I put about 90,000 on it so it's almost like the person who had it before you had it for just as long as you have now and put roughly as many miles as you did but you also drove around the country like three times So that's a lot of miles that he put on. Yeah, yeah. I think I drove it across the country twice, maybe. At least twice. Yeah, twice. Fuck, I'm not sure.

Wow. Yeah, legit. Congratulations. And then you still have that car or you sold it for $2,000? I actually, this past Christmas, I gave it to my sister. Oh, that's nice. As a little Christmas gift. So what'd you charge her for it?

$12,000. So I made about two. I made two Gs. You cannot make a profit. You profited off your sister. Toyota's a car that'll appreciate over time, especially at Tacoma. Especially at Tacoma. And I appreciate a good deal.

Tacoma profile Especially at Tacoma. And I appreciate a good deal. People like that Tacoma profile. Yeah. Yeah, you also sort of ran it into the ground and then sort of, you had to push it towards her house the last mile and then you charged her 12K for it. Yeah, it's 12K just to get it up and running.

We're getting some more Game Boy suggestions. Any one of these catch your fancy we got conditioner we got fugazi olives fugazi i think um but i do think that iron lung is pretty choice and i don't think you put that one in yet no i did not iron this is a long shot iron lung of course yeah nothing nothing what is how about iron just iron how about lung lung is pretty good let's see hell how about lung lung is 32 too many too many iron is 41 also too many yeah yeah quiche that's a pretty good one quiche is not bad. Conditioner I like because of its resemblance to semen. And I feel like that's going to get... Conditioner has five.

Not bad. Not bad at all. Yeah. They're all pretty long, though. Oh, all right. Unfortunately. Yeah. So we're not going to... That's another problem. You find the questions, they're like eight minutes long to read them. No one's going to get to the other side of that. Conspirator is pretty solid.

Conspirator? Yeah. I like the energy that's in that word. Conspirator. Wow, three. Nice. So now you guys can sort of tell how insane it was that somebody had won. And one of them has been labeled questions

to answer interesting i wonder if we did uh it was written in february of this year let's so maybe we'll remember it yeah i'm a 22 year old wait who suggested conspirator oh god damn it it's okay um let's see i'm going to be able to find it. All right. If you did, read it again so we could see it. I'm a 22-year-old student from Ireland currently laying low in the Netherlands

and I found myself in a quandary. I recently started seeing a nice guy, but coming off the back of a wacky relationship last year. I've been taking things slow. He's an artist and a little unconventional. He oils his hair and burns sage after sex. So there's been no pressure from his side to make things committed. However, today he dropped the I love you bomb. Now, this in and of itself is fine. I really like

him too. But my quagmire stems from the fact that we were sporadically first seeing each other. I somehow found myself a co-conspirator in a rather raunchy sexting relationship with a 31-year-old man from Israel that I met in a Facebook meme group. Todah. We actually have a very sweet thing going, and he wants me to come over to him when I graduate. Oi, gewalt, says I. So do I drop this unsheathed mensch to blue ball in the Holy Land and focus on my real life man I'm boinking, even though I know it's unlikely never to amount to anything? Or do I throw caution to the wind and put my fingers in as many pies as I like? Am I weird for this?

Toda Rabah. P.S. Been listening to you guys since day one. All right. Shout out. This is a great email.S. Been listening to you guys since day one. All right. Shout out. This is a great email. Yeah. Also, Kevin Levy wrote Crandus, which is another great bit that I didn't mention. Every single live show, we would ask for a name from the audience.

I think based on the first live show, or at least a very early live show, where someone yelled Crandus as a name suggestion. That was always the first name that we picked everywhere we went and krandus was a crazy person that went to every single show anyhow um this person neither relationship is serious enough right now to call anything off right you can well one of them said i love you so i don't think you can go from i love you to i love you to i'm gonna go to israel for a second and point this guy i met in a facebook meme group yeah no yeah yeah yeah yeah you gotta that's unfortunate yeah break it off with the guy that said i love you yeah if you want to be with the israel 31 year old israeli there's also a chance you'll meet the 31 year old israeli and

be like oh this probably wasn't worth. Because the idea of somebody is always better than the actual person you meet. Correct. Everybody's hot in the story. Yeah, but I feel like this has the, it's the vibe of like, I want to go travel to Israel. I want to go and do exotic, hot things. So it's not just about this Israeli guy. It's about just like the notion in general that you're not trying to be tied down right now

so for that reason you are out who me you think i'm the 31 year old israeli that's absurd no you're 50 all right i'm actually not 50 how old are you i'm 38 you just turned 36 and you're a piece of shit for thinking that i'm older that much older than you are older than me i am older i am older but not by that much yeah okay cool um all right cool thanks for um yeah thanks for everybody's suggesting those um game boy questions words i should say absolutely loved it i kind of like this we should do this once a month i don't know once every other month it infuses a breath of fresh air to the podcast yeah definitely i hope other people like it because i had a good time and it's just as easy as this might as well be over zoom but instead it's just over stream yard

and we could put it down it seems like there's no there's no lag it's pretty fast it's definitely as fast as zoom oh yeah absolutely um all right sweet um i'm gonna get to editing this and then we're gonna post the uh the jake and amir episode when are we gonna do that when are we posting this jake and amir episode uh i have to log into the back end maybe like set it to debut in half an hour and then people can like watch it together sweet well everyone go watch it share it uh thank you for your support from our day ones that's right fucking 500 episodes i guess technically 498 497 for me but because yeah there were some episodes you weren't even in and by the way i did not get the special award for funniest person yeah because i mean that's like fucking stolen

valor you like did an episode with riley and jeff that i didn't even know was happening you were busy that week so we filled in for you no yeah i yeah. And then one week you were sick and I recorded with Ben. Yeah. And that's stolen valor. Those are really nice things that I... Yeah. You get... Stolen valor.

Yeah, it's stolen valor. You don't get an award when there's no competition. That's not right. You're fucking... It's tacky. I don't think... It's tacky. Yeah.

Frankly, it's tacky. All right. Sweet. Thanks for listening It's tacky. Yeah, frankly. It's tacky. All right. Sweet. Thanks for listening. We'll be back probably on Thursday. Another Testing Testing Thursday. Enjoy that.

Enjoy the new Jake and Amir episode. Outtakes again on Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. Hell yeah. Ciao, everybody. Thanks for watching. Bye. That was a Hiddem Original. Thanks for watching. Bye.