Segments - 501: Ya Boy!

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

Ya boys are back! In this episode we discuss broken vases, stolen mail, and your ex's sex's.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter,

and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Amir, tell us what to do

Work through our problems On a five-a-yew Jake can't teach us how to text Amir is the devil's advocate Don't be coy, this show is kinda dirty Why won't Amir stop getting turdies? Jake and Amir, you tell us what to do Our problems are infinite, on a five with you From Starbucks debt to bad impressions Real advice with a thousand digressions phenomenal phenomenal nice uh this is if i were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by

yeah boy uh i'm a mirror oh my god what a perfect fucking intro that you immediately ruin with your constipated ya boy i actually haven't it's ya boy what the fuck i haven't taken a shit a week. That was poison to my ears. That's why it did sound like. I can't even do it again. Ya boy. You're pushing a fucking turd. All I can muster. Just trying to have a bowel movement, that's all.

Ya boy. Come on. A black marble trickles down my pants it's so dense it cracks your toilet your first shit in a month good stuff and also also good stuff from missy fay who wrote that song missy fay i adored that theme yeah she's been watching watching us for nine years now, and the song was in order. And even though I was already 20 when I started watching,

I was an extremely underbaked 20-year-old. My Instagram is itsmissyfaye, and I'm a dreamy sort of soft rock musician from Vancouver. You guys have given me enormous amounts of joy over the years and i'm so grateful for the escape you really do deserve so much more than this perhaps a golden mic for each of you random i don't think so perhaps is this the episode that uh yeah boy gets uh gets a mic that's gwaldon yeah boy

i hate it make it a ringtone that'll never pick up a ringtone do they still have those are those still a thing i think so like i think so i feel like most phones my dad has a custom most phones are either silent or vibrate or definitely not i haven't heard a ringtone in a while no it definitely i don't like it when my phone rings that's a bad look that means something's gone awry do you keep yourself on do not disturb day to day moment to moment are you i'm usually vibrate when there's an alert i'm a i'm a silent phoner so i'll put my phone on silent and i'm so often just staring at it that i'll see when it goes right or like i'm looking at it every four and a half minutes so like i can call that person back yeah i am uh i'm a silent do not disturb but i don't miss anything because it's always basically

there's always something going on yeah i've never misplaced my phone because my phone's always on my person yeah yeah i know if you're looking for your phone it's with yeah boy yeah boy staple to my thigh you used to have such a thick phone yes i had a phone with the mofi case yeah and that was also the era of tight jeans tight jeans with your mofi pants and a big and at a certain point the top of my mofi was lost so i just had this giant battery to the bottom of it top just exposed yammo do they still make those are phone batteries fine enough now that you don't need an external battery i see them less no they must they're i see them less too but they must still make them uh there's i mean there's no way because people still you know everyone's always looking for a charge. Though nowadays with the whole mostly being at home thing,

I'm never far from a charger. That's what it is. I'm never away from home. COVID killed the Mophie. Yes. And now COVID's coming back and that's going to make sure that our phones are constantly charged. I don't even charge my phone overnight anymore

because I'm like, I'll just have it at my desk or whenever I need to charge it. Do you do an overnight charge i have a charger by the bed but like if if for some reason it's not there like if i've gone to connecticut and didn't plug it in or whatever i'm i i don't stress a i know oh yeah there's also a switchable outlet in our room and sometimes i like switched it by accident and my phone's not going to charge so i won't fret that i won't even get out of bed for that charge my phone's not going to charge so i won't fret that i won't even get out of bed for that charge because it's not going to be a problem to get

me back up to a hundred and you do a hundred i keep it a hundred all right i keep it a hundred what's it at now i don't have it on my person i don't't know where it is. But it's in the house. Mine's at 98, which is just too shy of 100. Yeah, well, I keep it at 100. Yeah, that's cool. All right, this is a Fire Review, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. Episode 500 is in the rear view now. We can focus on the next 500.

Yeah, we are on our way to 1K. Couldn't get there with the web series, but I think we can get there with the podcast. Dab on them. Dab on it so you know it's true. All right, we got a question from a lady who has a moral conundrum. She says this could almost be a testing testing.

Shout out to our thursday bonus episodes recently in which we give each other quizzes she said this one could be a good question for a morality quiz so why don't we call this lady morality very nice that's really how's that for a name morality dickinson writes um i'm currently subletting an apartment from a friend of a friend. I've only met the apartment owner once in passing, so we're not super close. And the other night, I was startled by a mouse in her kitchen

and accidentally knocked over a porcelain vase. Do you say vase or vase? I think I say vase. It shattered everywhere. I immediately panicked and researched the vase online. Luckily, it's not one of a kind, but unluckily, it is a designer item that costs hundreds of dollars. So I bit the bullet and I ordered a replacement and it should arrive in a few days. So my question is, am I morally obligated to tell the apartment

owner what happened? Or can I just replace the vase and hide the body, so to speak? For some reason, I feel this overwhelming guilt about pretending as if nothing happened. And I know she she'll never know but it still feels dishonest as sheesh thank you for all you do especially for recording constantly during the early lockdown days the continuity of a new episode every week really helped me through the uncertainty wow celebration hashtag henry thank you thank you i should go back henry we should we should go back and listen to those episodes from March and April where we just like out of sorts, despondent and noticeably depressed. I wonder.

I noticed that you were sad. Really? Yeah. But you were sort of whatever about it. You were even keel. You, you tried to be the rock of the podcast and not, not feel highs or lows.

I was stressed and sad as well, but I feel like I just noticed that COVID was on your mind. Right, like I was preoccupied. But I wonder if we listen to like an episode from April 2020, will we be noticeably different sounding? I think so. But actually, I mean, given the fact that we listened to episode one during the episode 500 and it sounded kind of the same, you know, maybe not.

Maybe it will be the same. Or maybe we're still in that COVID mindset. Right. And so, like, we haven't even snapped out. Yeah. I could be. Who knows? What if I told you this thing that you're listening to right now is me from April of 2020?

Would you believe that? I would believe april of 2020 would you believe that i would believe that yeah you'd believe that i would believe that how how would you believe that i just told you something insanely difficult to fathom that me right now is me from april of 2020 you're actually speaking to somebody from the past that's and you would believe that i would believe that and i would tell you that i would ask you to invest in crypto for my ass or buy a cyberpunk could you get me a really good uh i want a fungible i want to write i want a fungible token but i don't want it to be i want it to be non-fungible is what i mean too many tokens are fungible do Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah, it's not really me. I need an NFT from you past Amir.

If you buy that, we would be rich now. Do you get that? Yeah. Do you know what a fungible token is? No, not really. Well, you need to find one that's non. Okay.

That's the only thing you have to tell me? No other updates about the world at large trump tries to steal the election but it's fine for the most part he didn't get to do it so it's get me that so get me an nft punk now ass speaking of telling people would you tell someone that you replaced their vase i feel like the two i think this person i think morality is being very moral perhaps overly moral because i feel like there's two different paths one is like if you don't want to replace this thing you could come clean and be like i'm so sorry i broke the vase um i will buy you a new one and then like the hope is that they say

don't worry about it it was really expensive it was a gift yada yada but i feel like you come clean if you want that like that small chance of not actually having to replace the vase what this person did was actually really nice they were like i'm not gonna like fess up and have a weird conversation about like if i can afford like i'm not gonna like fess up and have a weird conversation about like if i can afford it i'm not gonna put them in that place i'm just gonna replace like for like in kind replace the vase in kind uh and and i don't think since you took the onus you put it on yourself i don't think you have to say that you replace the vase you ate the cost yeah but you should what if she steps on a piece of porcelain pooter

well you have to clean it i mean they have to do the work correctly you get the new vase you clean up all of the mess you hide everything or you fix everything and then you've done the work so you don't have to have the sad part happen which is the conversation i think you do replace the vase but then on the way out it's like by the way i'm a dumbass and i forgot to realize that you'd rent me a mouse infested apartment i I'm not paying for this shit. It actually startled me to the point that I broke a vase, which I did replace and I'm taking that

money out of you. In kind. I replaced it in kind, actually. What does that mean? Like for like. The same vase. At the very least, the same style. It was the same type of vase. I got your vase at a very least the same style it was the same type of vase the vase that i got at a 76 gas station where did you get the original one um at a gucci store it was 7800 what's gucci with her

she's all that uh see you would not say anything i would say something because i would feel too bad i would i would also not really feel too bad but i would be afraid that i would get caught yeah that's and really the fear of getting caught is more important than being quote-unquote moral because it's honestly like when you say i want to do the right thing you don't want to do the right thing you just want to get away with this fucking crime and if she looks at a fucking nanny cam and sees that you broke something and she calls you out on it you're stuck you don't know whether to continue digging a hole or not shout out to our animated series on patreon stuck that's right shout out to stock new episode this week so check that out as well

thank you appreciate it um yeah you you paid for it you replaced it in kind in kind but i feel like this person is the the guilt is eating her alive so i think she should say something she can't get in trouble i'm trying to i'm helping with the guilt i don't think it needs to eat you alive i think you've done the right thing by replacing the vase in kind yes i know i know you think it was done in kind it was done in kind it was kind of where to do it uh all right cool let. Let's take a break. Thanks to the sponsors. Come back and answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. Yeet. Yeep.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey

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now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry I have to spell it out for some people

yeah you do and we're back Jake do you have any M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little sooner than I can. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Eggs.

Hmm? Eggs. Are you the Eggman? Nice. Cuckoo-cachoo, Jakey. Are you the egg man? Nice. Cuckoo, ca-choo, Jakey. Are you the egg man or not? I've been fucking around with some hard-boiled eggs. Actually, medium-boiled eggs. Whoa.

In the morning. In the a.m. That's your breakfast? It's a really easy... Yeah. It's easy. It's filling. It's tasty. It's a really easy, yeah, it's easy, it's filling, it's tasty.

It's a simple cleanup. It's really, it's a near perfect food, an egg. Well, I agree with eggs in general because they're very quick and easy to make. Like even just frying an egg is quick and easy and fill you up and I think it tastes good. But sell me on the hard boiled slash medium boiled. Do you have to do that fresh or can you pre-do that you can pre-do that you can leave a hard boiled or a medium boiled egg in your refrigerator for years i mean it'll go bad after a week but yeah you can definitely

leave it there to rot that would be spoil yeah um no it's your fridge make them for like a few days for the for the week maybe. Okay. So how long are you putting these eggs in boiling water? I set a timer for eight minutes and I think some people, uh, swear by the seven minute. Um, I mean the less time you do it for the runnier your yolk will be. So you can kind of find your sweet spot. Got it. For me, that's, that's eight minutes.

It's not dripping, but it's not, it's not you know like chalk texture yeah it's not the chalk it's a little more gooey it's gooey it's a nice little gooey egg and it's you just are you pre-peeling or sorry i'm asking a question are you peeling the eggs to put them in the fridge or do you want me to peel it every morning i don't pre-peel the eggs and put them in the fridge i put them in the shell and put them in the fridge you're boiling how many six ish eight ish putting them in the fridge i'll do four and i'll have two and then ask jill if she wants one and then i have a snack or a light breakfast for the next day. I'm not doing six and having the eggs for the whole week because I don't want my life to be that planned ahead.

I like a day or two. That's kind of the max. So you are— I can change it up. In the morning, you eat two hard-boiled eggs. You just peel it, shove it in your mouth, or are you taking a bite and biting it in half? Are you seasoning the egg?

Are you treasoning the egg? I'm not treasoning the egg. That's what you do a little espionage to the egg. I would never. I would never spy on the egg, and I would never tattle on the egg, and I would never back... I'm no Benedict Eggs Arnold.

Nice. You mean Eggs Benedict Arnold. God damn it, man. I was fucking... My brain's not quite sharp enough, but it was... Actually, call me an Eggs Benedict Arnold because I treason my eggs. How's that for a joke yeah if you if you go viral on tiktok for that i would i'd really like to see that i would like to see that earn me anything hardware wise or are you

that's not yet to be decided yet no that wouldn't earn anything hardware wise because it's happening outside the podcast and it was a joke we collaborated on so the fact that you're trying to spin that into fucking silverware for you it's tacky okay and i do season the eggs with salt lightly and i eat them hunched over the sink lest they dribble onto the counter and are you biting into it in half or are you just shoving the whole thing in that's breakfast i do a non-peel eat the shell hard boil straight out of the fucking uh saucepan boiling hot it burns and it's sharp no i do i do a um i probably it's two bites two bites maybe three um and you with some salt you prefer that you prefer that to like scrambling two eggs i prefer that to scrambling eggs because then i don't have to like i don't have to clean

a frying pan i don't have to scrub anything i don't have to clean a frying pan. I don't have to scrub anything. I don't have to take out like a fork and a plate. This is like a very, it's a very lightweight meal. You know, there's not a lot of accoutrement associated with it. Is that your entire breakfast, the two eggs? Sometimes I'll do two eggs and like a piece of prosciutto or some sliced turkey. So it's like eggs and some meat, but all eaten with my hands over the sink. I wouldn't necessarily recommend that. What I recommend is the—

Yeah, the sink part seems optional. I mean, all of my breakfast I eat with my hands. I'm not sitting down for breakfast I need to be eating on the go I'm I'm walking and eating that's that's the MO well the eggs I eat over the sink right before I leave um but yeah it's just in generally in general uh cooking medium boiled eggs I do something similar but I go banana every morning for breakfast. Very quick, fills me up on the go. Every morning. You do every morning a banana for breakfast.

Yeah. I kind of don't feel ready to eat until like 11 or noon, except for a banana. A banana I feel like I can have right away with water. That's kind of, I have a banana about half, I feel like my three breakfasts are

hard-boiled eggs bananas or croissants and i'm trying to do the croissant as little as possible but that's what i always want the croissant every single day i wake up and i want to yeah that's what i want i want a croissant every day i love them and they also don't fill me up like i could eat a croissant and then have literally anything else croissant is just an appetizer to me what are your thoughts on a hard-boiled egg shaped like a banana so you'd peel a banana instead of a banana inside it's the consistency of a hard-boiled egg that's an oblong a long tube and as you bite into it the inside is still that yolk so it's a where is the egg where does the yolk lie is it in the center or is it like kind of is the yolk also within the tube

tubed within it so every bite of the banana you're getting yolk the cross-section looks like an egg and i am getting i'm yoking with you because obviously you can't actually pull this off especially if it's like a legit banana peel that you actually have to peel open. Like maybe you can fashion it by replacing the banana with three eggs, but there's no way you could, right? Make it so that the banana. Yeah, no, you know, it's obviously can't be done. We were pontificating on something. It's not like we were scheming.

No. it's a hypothetical that really barely i i was fucking humoring you i didn't want to talk about it i didn't even want to talk about it no where you can genetically where we go into business yes you sort of force a hen to fuck a cock but instead of a cock like a cockadoodle do like a rooster whatever you know it's a banana so you sort of crossbreed genetically modify these things where the hens lay little don't get exhausted explaining it to me it sounds like you're bored It's a fucking harebrained, batshit crazy scheme that would never work. And you're sort of like, you're trailing off as you explain it. Like, yeah, it would never, could never, will never be.

Okay. Okay. Awful. No. okay okay jesus no that's exactly what they said about like cubed watermelon yeah and what happened with cubed watermelon somebody figured it out the trick is to grow them in a box okay okay so how would you get the banana fucking i was telling you you weren't you were not a hen fucks a banana she really does yeah and her period is not a little egg as it were it's a small banana and likewise the father is not a rooster it's not a cock it's yes it's a banana with an egg inside that you can honestly the hardest part is hard boiling the bitch without figuring out how to ruin the peel no the hardest part is getting a fucking hen to fuck a banana i think yeah well that we can yeah figure out there's ways or believe that no there's ways to figure that all

out i guess even if it that happened it wouldn't be it wouldn't result in what you're anyway hoping for what's your unsolicited advice fucking never mind yeah you obviously you're not ready for it um all right let's see if we can answer some more cues yeah uh this one's called the penis gallery Penis Gallery. Okay. So we'll call him Tricky Dick. Tricky Dick. Nice. Right. Big fan of you guys. My girlfriend recently confessed to me that she's secretly taken a picture of her ex-boyfriend's penises. Like some sort of 007 inches.

She swears she hasn't taken a picture of mine before. Should I be worried that I'm the only one without a pic? Should I volunteer my own glorious hog as tribute? Todah. Love, Tricky Dick Nixon. Interesting. If anything, it's nice to be different than the exes, I think. So, you don't want to be in that camp because then you, you know, then the, I don't know,

you're getting closer and closer to having things in common with guys she didn't want to be in that camp because then you you know then the i don't know you're getting closer and closer to having things in common that with guys she didn't want to be with yeah but you also don't want to be like well let me send you a picture of my hog so you can add it to the portfolio that way i'm also in there your little rolodex of fucking limp dicks that you used to blow. Yeah. So I think it's good. Somebody that I used to blow. Got ye. Nice. Goat ye. Yes, exactly.

Got ye. Got ye, your old bud. Your friend. Got ye, my reference is right. Should you be at all alarmed that this lady has been doing that to her exes do you want that kind of shit on your conscience slash lady is that a non-starter is that a non-harder i don't know i don't know it's weird it's weird i wouldn't be like i don't think i would learn that information and be like, I don't know if I would have, what my reaction would be, would be like, that's weird.

But I don't know. Ultimately fine. That she snuck photos of her ex's dicks and has a weird little like gallery. It feels like the kind of thing that like you would find out about not that she would tell you would you rather add your dick to the portfolio or have her delete the entire file slash folder yeah i guess i don't want to make anyone delete a collection. Yeah, it's taken a long time to acquire those. But I wouldn't want to be added to the thing. I don't, I, yeah, I would want to, if this happened

to me, I would just want to forget that I ever knew it. And I wouldn't have a, I wouldn't be like, okay, well, the only way I'll feel good about this is if my picture is in the dick museum that's where i that's what i want so yeah so let's say i know we'll say i know um there's a gallery you want to see the dicks i would not want to see the dicks absolutely would not want to see the dicks because that could go sideways would you be curious to see the D's? Can I see the D's, please? I'd like to see the pictures of the penises. Babe.

Please, now. Be a doll and let me see the penis gallery. Nice. Sweetie. Sweetie, what's your iphone password i need your face i need your face if i want to see your ex's hogs oh lordy yeah i'd be curious i guess i deserve to see them every time you're with someone you deserve to see the privates of the ones that laid before you. Yeah. I really don't know what to do here. I would not,

I would, I, I would just be like, let's never talk about this again. I think I would have to say, let's never talk about this again. Oh, don't be such a prude.

I'd want to see the D's. I know. And then I can want to see the Ds. I know, I know. And then I can sort of compare my jaunts. The comparing will be easy. Contrasting will be hard, since they all sort of look exactly like mine. Your jaunts are so small, they call it a Johnny. Let's take a break. Oh, come on.

You have a tiny little pecker. Let's really, really take a break. Oh, come on. You have a tiny little pecker. Let's really, really take a break. A long break. And think about what just happened and why that was completely not okay to say. Then let's go to break because I feel like you're still chastising me and we haven't cut away.

That can't happen in the third act is this the break no no we haven't cut away yet because i want everyone to know this is all still what you did okay was absolutely a huge no-no my johnson is a johnny we'll be right back, and by then we'll have solved this issue. Oh, not even close. Let's just cut. I need more time. Let's cut there, and then we'll hash it out. And we'll kick off.

I'll never unhear that. Do you think this is a fucking Johnny? Here's Johnny. Oh, God. It's not just small. It's also, it's misshapen and a weird color, frankly. Let's get a break. Let's get a break.

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Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Jake and I sort of hashed it out. Would you say I have an average sized hog or whatever yeah it's a it's a normal sized size and it's not color small hairy or beet red um it does not look like a third nipple in between your legs it actually looks like a normal dick and it doesn't look like it has um a pinky nail growing out of the head of it uh and it didn't look like it has a pinky nail growing out of the head of it.

Thank you. And it didn't frown at me when I saw it. That's a little too much TMI. I said it didn't have any of that stuff. And I appreciate it. Thank you for clarifying. And the whole Johnny Johnson thing was a misnomer. I think, right?

We said after the break this would be fucking hashed out. You and I talked offline for an hour and a half. We cut back in. You heard from my lawyers. Yeah, I see that. And you said, just read the statement, Azarit. I don't think I wrote the pinky nail one. Amir has a huge Johnson. A John Johnson, as it were.

Thank you. All right, one last question. Yeah, why not? This one is about potentially committing a federal crime. Interesting. A lady from California. So I've had the same post office box for four years and I keep getting this other lady's mail. I would turn it into the mail people and they just put it back in my box. Luckily, I know this lady,

we're in a small town, so I messaged her on Facebook and she tells me I could just throw it away. But today I accidentally opened her letter thinking it was for me and it had a $50 Safeway gift card in it. I read the name on the letter and alas, it is someone from her family. So I sealed it up nice and I told her that I found her mail and she told me to just throw it away. Now listen, I'm a little strapped for cash these days and it would be a shame to just let this gift card go to waste. But morally, I don't think it's right to take it. What should I do?

It's just going to go in the trash if I bring it in the post office. And I can't tell her I opened her mail. So is this legal or not? Interesting. Another good moral dilemma. Yeah, this is a moral quandary. It's funny. The ladies write in, and they're like, I accidentally did this.

I feel bad. And then the guys are like, my chick has a picture of other guys' dicks and I'm sort of pissed off about that. And I want to show her my hogs. It's, yeah. I don't know. She told you to throw it away.

Yeah, but the gift card. There's a way to get this gift card to her without saying you open their mail though it's like you could just be like you know these are these gift cards can easily be like pasted on the outside of a flyer or something like it also this is it's not just the you're actually not just you know taking the cash it's a gift from a family member. So I think for that reason, you can't do it. If it was like a sweepstakes thing, like Safeway is sending people gift cards,

and that's kind of like the guys that you could reach out and be like, hey, you got a gift card in the mail. Do you want it? But I kind of feel like it being from a family member, you have to be like, this package, you can lie and say that you didn't open it. Like this letter arrived open. It was actually a gift card.

It looks like somebody sent it to you. Do you want it? Right. And then if she says, no, you can throw it away, then it's up for grabs. Well, yeah, then it's your gift card for sure. But I don't think you can rightfully, like like you know now that you can't throw it away and i don't know yeah it's it's too bad because like in any like in any other world if you didn't open this this would have been in the trash anyway it's basically like finding money

but knowing that it came from someone in her family specifically to her, I think it's gotta be returned. Fuck, because it could come back and she'd be like, I saw that you've spent the gift card. Congratulations. Thanks for using it. No, it's not about getting caught. It's just about doing the right thing.

You worry too much about getting caught if I can be candid with you. I don't wanna be in trouble. That's not morality. That's cowardice, by the way. You no it's not you have no scruples you're you're afraid of being found out that you're actually a little weasel and that's why you just got the goddamn turdy because you showed me your ugly dick in the middle of the episode you sent me me a cease and desist. You sent me a statement from your lawyer. And I came up with Benedict

fucking eggs. And that was pretty good. Almost eggs Benedict Arnold. And I'll have you know that is a golden mic. Because that doesn't just come out of nowhere. Even if you fucking don't get a hole in one, you can still birdie. You can still

eagle. So yeah, I didn't slam dunk, but I put back a layup. I got my own rebound, and I won the game. And that's a fucking golden mic. And it's number 499, I think. And that's an unprecedented run. And you get a goddamn turdy,

because you flashed me. Now let's move on. You said, what did you say? Benedict eggs? And that's an alley-oop? That's a putback jam? That's an eagle? It's a birdie?

It's a nothing. It's an absolute nothing. It was off off of do you treason your eggs do you treason your eggs that was nothing i turned it into a fucking almost perfect pun with benedict eggs gets you the fucking golden mic good i'm actually glad about that i want you to have it good because that's what it takes now now that i know that that's what it takes i'm going to be able to fart out about 80 of those next episode if it all it needs to be is as good as benedict eggs by the way trees in your eggs was me yeah i said trees you gave me nothing i turned it into something that's what how you turned it into nothing i turned it into something benedict eggs it actually makes a fucking it makes a lot of sense it's a pretty good pun and i just had the order wrong. I mean, my God.

I didn't order my eggs correctly, you could say. Not bad. Eggs, Benedict, Arnold. That's the joke. That's the mic. That's the trophy. And we can actually play it back if you missed it, because we have it recorded. No, no, no.

Why is opening someone else's mail so illegal it seems like it should just be like you know frowned upon but everyone knows that it's such this federal offense like what do you what's the crime there what are you getting punished are people getting thrown in jail for this thing i don't know i mean it seems like it's it's like some kind of like sacred holdover law at this point like the mail system is one of the first things we did when we're like building the country right like yeah it's it feels like weird um like if this letter is addressed to me that's my property and you can't open it and if you you do, that's actually, you can go to trial. The worst thing you could do.

Yeah. Before murder, there was only this. It was just like, yeah, he opened by mail and that was the worst thing you could do. Yeah. I think it's like,

like back in the day, there's like, you have a land deed. It's like this piece of paper actually shows that I own this land. So like there, I feel like there's just like rules like that, that are tied up in very older like old society uh if you i just look this up if you intentionally open or destroy someone else's mail you are committing obstruction of correspondence and if found guilty you could

potentially face five years in prison. That's a lot. My dad has been in prison for four years for shredding my mom's junk mail, actually. He threw away a coupon pamphlet from Gelson's, and now he's doing hard time. And Gelson's wasn't able to correspond with my mother. He obstructed their correspondence. And is it the same thing going with email is it illegal to open up my email my gmail i don't know because i've been opening up well your email a lot what i have

access to it through the the show's email the if i were yourowatgmail.com. Really? They give me backup access to your email. Interesting. So I'm able to just sort of play around in there. Open, delete, archive. Forward, reply, and yes, reply all. Reply's ugly cousin. Really? Reply Al.

And I've been doing all of that shit. Let me just check my sent email. Oh, sorry. Benedict Egg style, right? Don't be tacky. Don't be tacky. All right. That's it.

Three questions up, three questions down. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for sending in that theme song. If you got your own, email address for everything is ifiweryoushow at gmail.com. Nice. Thanks to everybody that watched the new episode of Jake and Amir, which is on our YouTube. Damn right. If you just go to jakeandamir.com, you can subscribe.

And we still got two more new episodes to release, which should be coming soon. Hell yeah. And we also got so much shit on our patreon it's crazy we've got almost two years worth of videos on there it's lonely and horny it's the jake and amir watch it's our animated series stuck um video podcasts are on there it's finally worth the four dollars and 99 cents a month there's a lot of content that yeah there's a big backlog that you could tap into at this point yeah uh so check that out too patreon.com slash j a uh the opening theme song was a it was a fucking hit it was a gosh darn classic i just i loved it i can't remember this person's name i think it was oh yeah missy faye or melanie faye uh and this closing one is a um fleet foxes

was that what they're called fleet foxes parody i love fleet foxes by somebody who said um by uh it's a parody of fleet foxes helplessplessness Blues. We hope you like it. And we hope that we can plug their podcast, which is Spellcheck Spelling Bee, the internet's first premier casual spelling bee competition. Whoa, just like testing testing. Exactly. Maybe you can go on there

and sort of flex your spelling muscle. That's right. Okay, so thank you, Kevin and Gracie from the Spellcheck the Spelling Bee podcast. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks for writing in. We'll be back next week and probably on Thursday with another bonus episode of this here program. Thank you so much for

listening. Woo! Ciao, everybody. I was raised up believing I could get some advice from two white dudes Who have their own podcast Talking about breakups and lice

And now after some listening I'd say I think I'm old A golden mic or at least an Orion coach So I can hook up with Lode. Why Lode? But I know, I know, Amir has earned the tourney. You'll tell me what you'd do if you were me