Segments - 502: Worst Pizza Ever

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

In this episode we discuss saving cash, spending cash, and becoming Seattle Kraken fans.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm .See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Okay. Cause he's a little black snake Okay Cool Electronica

It goes on for about another minute and a half But we'll save that for the end Yes So if you love that song Skip straight to the end right now That was kind of Sounded like Game Boy's girlfriend, basically. Oh!

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But it was actually by somebody named Daniela, whose musician name is Misty Lakes. M-Y-S-T-Y Lakes. Cool. Misty Lakes. I like that. With this, I would like to graciously award the golden mic to jake for being so humble

as to listen to my song a song of a ratty little peon amir i hope you're taking notes on how to be a good little boy you've got a long road ahead of you that's really cool thank you i'm humbled cheese chucked honored um damn i didn't think i going to fucking win it in the intro. What is my life? It's wild. I have to smile through it all. I'm blessed. I'm a boy from New Haven. This usually doesn't happen to us.

Yeah, man. We don't just succeed like this. It wasn't supposed to be this way, mama. Look at us now. Look at us now, mama. You're still alive. Yeah. She's upstairs, which is why I was doing my eyes up there.

Yeah, making dinner. She was ordering pizza, if I can be candid. That's really cool. I think she's done enough. She doesn't have to make dinner tonight. She's allowed to rest, and I'll pick up the pizza. Wow. Where are you getting pizza from?

Because New Haven, the bar is set high on New Haven pizza. Yeah. A lot of people, you know, they choose between Pepe's or Sally's. We've always been a Little Caesars family over here. Sometimes we'll do a Pizza Hut night. Little Caesars. That's awful. That's the worst pizza chain.

You're in the Montes, Delania. Potentially the best pizza city in the world. Definitely. Modern America. Modern America over down State Street. But I mostly, mostly went to Papa John growing up. But yeah. Papa John.

Papa Papa Papa John. The proof is in your smile. Dip shit. Little Caesars. have you ever actually eaten little caesars i don't know i want to say yes because i remember like when they had like the bacon wrapped crust i feel like i always asked for it and wanted it when i was a kid and maybe my parents gave in at one point what was your childhood's pizza night. Let's fucking get this pizza. It's my favorite in the world.

There was, I mean, I think we just went to a local place in Hamden, not even new Haven, which was Paul and Eddie's, but we also liked bar, which is good pizza downtown, but you never did like dominoes or anything like that.

No, my parents never let me have Domino's or Pizza Hut. Never let you have? This is the first time I'm hearing of any nutritional restriction from you growing up. I think it was just because they didn't like it. Like I could get them to take me to like McDonald's and go through the happy menu. We went to Burger King. Like I had fast food.

But I don't know what my parents had against Pizza Hut. You know what? It was my mom. My mom often made pizza. So that was something she could make at home. So maybe that was why. I never had it. Do you remember the worst pizza you've ever had?

Good question. I guess not specifically i can think of a couple instances where i had like dorm pizza um or got like i don't think i ever got like gas station pizza but some oh it was um a pizza place on bedford avenue in brooklyn that was really bad brooklyn pizza being the worst pizza you've ever had it was too it was like too much of a tourist trap, high trafficked area. And I also got pizza that, that I think was like overloaded with toppings. So like when you lifted it up, the front of it fell down and like the cheese and the toppings fell off. Yeah.

And it was very bad. Very like, almost like watery. That's what I remember. What about you? I remember it was Gabrus' birthday party at the rugby match. He rented a bus, very nice, fun party. I was there. Great party.

Yeah, you were there, but I was very hungry at the stadium, and I guess the stadium was like half capacity because it was a rugby match, and it was like an old soccer stadium. So not a lot of places were open and so there was this one quote-unquote pizza place that i guess was microwaving it felt like they were microwaving old pizza so like pizza that it already was bad got room temperature and then they would nuke it and then it would be probably so bad i don't think i ate it like that

level of bad that they say even bad pizza is pretty good because it's pizza. Yeah. It's hard to have bad, bad pizza. And I usually like that like reheated pizza taste. I like a frozen pizza. Yeah. This was no bueno. Fuck.

I really, now I'm like in this weird headspace. Why? Talk for a second. Talk for a minute. I'm going to try thinking of better shit to like lift me out of this okay why don't i you know we're recording this so i feel like i shouldn't have this is the worst yeah this is i don't have to i haven't i'm just trying to ache yeah you want me to talk did you want me to talk or did you want to complain because i feel like i don't have to

but i can't stop thinking about this shit. I have like... So let's... Okay. Lock jaw for it. Go on mute. Yeah. Have you ever had lock jaw for it?

I have. I did have TMJ. Yeah, like where your jaw clicks. I have that, but for this pizza. And like, I'm drooling because I'm talking about like good food, but like it hurts in a way that's so bad. I don't know.

Watch a YouTube video or something. Go on Mew and we'll come back to you. And we'll just edit all of this out. Worst pizza. Oh, God. Worst pizza ever, YouTube. Oh, I think I'm going to fucking be sick. There's this fucking mushroom pie that looks fucking rank.

It sounds good. I like mushroom sounds good do you think pineapple belongs on pizza i'm serious do you think i i don't think it does i don't think it has any business being there okay all right what about uh i thought you said you wanted to move on i'm just thinking out loud is all i'm sending you a picture that I found for worst pizza ever. This is pizza. Are you sending it via chat or via instant message? Text, yeah. You texted it to me.

It's a pizza place in Buenos Aires, Argentina. So what do you think about that guy right there? I could fuck with that. It's a lot of cheese. It's pure white, but then there's whole olives in it it looks like the full green olives with the pit still inside loosely placed on top of the pizza i would honestly like that that looks great to me it's very cheesy yeah i don't like it too cheesy that's the problem oh my god so much cheese i I'm going to be sad about it. Stop looking.

Don't let shit affect you this much. My fucking wrist. Jesus Christ. I'm fine. Why don't we take the week off? No, because I don't want to. It's why. Because I fucking powered through an entire pandemic. Because I lifted you up out of a shit storm, out of a hell storm for 18 months.

I carried you on my back. And this isn't going to be the one thing that like trips me up. Okay? That's why I'm not going to take a week off. You've tripped up. You've face planted on this episode. You went down. You spiraled because you talked about a pizza you had at a rugby match three and a half years ago.

And then you fucking distracted yourself to the point where you're sending me text messages of pictures of pizza from Argentina. Like, I don't know what you like. You fuck it. This is a turdy. It's you. You turdied yourself. I'm sorry, but you hijacked the show for your own detriment, if I'm being honest. It was like a therapy session that you wouldn't allow yourself to heal.

You tried to drag me down. You tried to make me grossed out by pizza. You couldn't move on. You couldn't start the show. I feel like it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. It's destructive. I'm like in a funk about it. I'm trying to like lift myself up from my like bootstraps kind of like and say, what am I doing wrong?

You know the words to say after you've done this, but you don't have the fucking wherewithal to actually make yourself better do you know right yeah i'm like you have the excuses you don't have the follow through yes that's great what was your pizza experience growing up in la there couldn't um yeah mulberry street mulberry street pizza sort of the go-to uh a big flatter kind of grandpa slices where it's like whoa these are so big thin big. Thin crust. Yeah, thin crust. I know what to say. Try to turn it on a little bit more. I feel like you're being low-energy Jeb right now.

You've got like a please clap mentality going on. Yeah. I was going to say that I once like, we used to get pizza on Thursdays at school. Dollar a slice. My old man used to give me 50 cents and say, here's for nothing. Yeah, you're just short. I was just short because I was short.

I was 5'1 until I was 20, if not a foot. If not a foot. If not a foot. And then my other old man gave me 49 cents to make me one penny Shia the Slice. That's why they called me Shia the Slice. Really? Yeah, you know, Shia the Beef? Yeah, but this is, you were in middle school, you said.

You were in grade school, so this was long before even Stevens. You're years older than Shia. So what a weird nickname for anyone to give you. What was my nickname? I already forget. You said Shia the Slice, I think. Yeah, that was it. That was it exactly.

Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Shia the Slice. I'm Josh Rice. What? Rice. Shia the Slice and Josh Rice. And that's nice. We're like the Doughboysboys but angrier so we talk about food but we suck um all right we gotta our thing is that we're the doughboys but we kind of suck so like we don't have a good attitude

we don't have a fun sense of humor. And we don't like shit. So we're kind of nasty dudes. Perfect. We got a question from a guy that randomly inherited 10K. Whoa. That's a come up. We'll call him the fucking Monopoly man. Cool.

Does that guy have a name? Uncle Money Bucks or something? Oh, yeah. Isn't it? I thought they just called him like fucking Daddy Warbucksbucks which is like taken from annie is that not it's rich uncle penny bags wow yeah i was way off which really should have been my nickname in high school but instead i'm a 25 year old guy writes uncle penny bags and I just found out that an old friend of my deceased dad passed away and left me $10,000 in her will. Admittedly, I felt a bit bad because I didn't even know who this lady was.

Turns out I met her a few times as a child and I haven't seen her for 20 years. So my question is, what do I do about all that cheddar? Should I start a business? Should I give it to my mom who put me through college and who I owe my life to? Or maybe I should just be a guest on your podcast. What would you do if you randomly inherited 10K at 25? How should I seize the cheese? Congrats on 500 episodes and counting. List to everyone. For 10K, would you let this person guest on the podcast? Maybe 11K, so he would give us the 10K and then the extra G from mommy. Wow, you're an asshole.

Why? You're an asshole. We're going to have this dude on the show that's going to completely submarine one of our episodes. I mean, he's not a comedian. He's not a friend. Right. God forbid we go off the rails and do something like go down a pizza rabbit hole for 15 minutes. 12K actually.

Because I want 1K for me, 1K for you, and 10K for the joint checking account that I've been begging you to start with me. Oh yeah. We should say our bank account and routing info on air.

So people can sort of tip us? Send us cash. Like, they wouldn't. Have you? Those numbers aren't private, right? Yeah, you can't, like, steal. Yeah, you can't take those monies to steal my money. You can't wire it.

You can't take those to steal the money. Yeah. Right. You could give me money if I just give you my wire information. Yeah, it's all about that routing info. Do you remember the first $10,000 you ever made? Or when you reached that threshold? Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that I... I remember vaguely around the first time I like... I don't know if I... There wasn't like a money benchmark. I feel like I remember the first time where I felt financially stable. Like you paid off all your debts. I didn't have any debt. Oh, interesting.

Because I didn't go to school. That's really good. I thought you had to like pay off your sister for giving you money for an apartment or something. Oh yeah, I did. That's true. When I moved to New York, my sister paid my down payment. So I did, I owed her $1,400. All right. So that's right when i moved to new york my sister paid my down payment so i did iota owed her 1400 dollars all right so that's right off the bat that's what you can give uh the first 10k

installment that this guy pays us for to be on the pod give her back hannah back i know but just interest it's like a nice addy attaboy how do you do it the 1400 she gave you. Yeah, but I paid her back within a year. It doesn't matter. Yes, it does. You paid her back within the year with no interest. So it's compounded since then. It's compounded. 100%.

$1,400. Pay it back. Give it to me in 10 years. Do you remember the first $ thousand dollars you made i remember getting to ten thousand because um that was the buy-in uh for the world series of poker main event so it's like oh i finally made enough money if i wanted to fucking go crazy go to vegas and enter this poker tournament that five thousand people enter for a chance to win whatever eight million or something. Still

have not actually done that or played in any World Series of Poker events. But I remember that benchmark because that is the buy-in for it. So when I got to 10,000 in my savings, I was excited. And it was around this guy's age at 25. Yeah, that's interesting. I didn't do anything fun with it because I'm sort of fiscally conservative as it were um but if somebody just wrote you a fucking blank ass check for 10k i guess it wouldn't be a blank check it would be a check for 10k at 25 i feel like you should do something fun with it yeah when we bought or when we um remember that like video we did for adobe Creative Suite or something? Oh, like branded content for CollegeHour? Yeah, it was one of our first branded content things.

And I think that was around what the money was for that. And I remember being like, wow, that was insanely easy. We got money. And I just bought the... That was when I got the Toyota Tacoma. So you used it on a truck. Yeah. One big purchase.

That's kind of fun. There's two, I guess there's many ways to go. You can invest it and sort of wait and see and try to turn the 10K into 11K by next year. But if that's not very exciting or fun to you, you can just fucking spend it on a thing or an experience. And people say experiences are better. Memories last longer longer make you happier

than the thing you could also you could split the difference you could like invest some money you could give some money to to your mom there's also i mean using it to start your own business is kind of awesome that's like jump starting if you if you have something that you want to do i feel like it's more like if you if you've had something that you wanted to do forever, then you get the money and then you do it. That's awesome. But it doesn't seem like it would work as well if you got $10,000 and then brainstormed a business idea. You could accidentally do something you're not passionate about and not have as much fun. Yeah. I mean, 10K, yeah, you got to pay like all these random little fees like LLC and incorporation

and taxes and all this crap. But that doesn't sound as fun as, I don't know, going to Hawaii for three weeks and spending some cash on some plane tickets, a place to stay and some great food, maybe some sick ass pizza. can go to buenos iris so yeah put two thousand dollars into the s&p 500 and then eight thousand dollars on a vacay or a or like a cool wardrobe something something splashy yeah buy a fucking shirt and a yogurt yeah But like a hot yogurt. You know, like that Greek that's fucking boiling and thick. You're obsessed with fucking hot dairy today.

Yeah, I guess you can say I am a hot dairy specialist today. I never thought of it that way, but yeah, yeah, I guess you could. Okay, let's take a break. Thank some sponsors so that we can raise $10,000 and then we'll come back after these messages. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do.

Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, out the post game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then

you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those

yeah running is when you run and then hail m Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get fifty

dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code segments that's code segments for new customers to play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits only on draft kingsKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777

or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months.

Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any?

Answer. Let's do it. DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? So I combined some old advice that I gave with some new advice my brother gave. He told me that anytime you want to buy something to wait a week and then see if you still want it. I think that's really hard in like this, in like online shopping, instant gratification. Like if I see something, I buy it. I'm like, I could return it or whatever, you know? Yeah. But instead, I've been taking stuff that I think I want, emailing it to myself, and snoozing it for a week.

And then when it comes up, inevitably, I pretty much always don't want it anymore. And I think it saves you money even on the returns because, you know, you're paying taxes on that. And also, you know, it's not good for the environment. So there's another kind of tax involved, too. know you're paying taxes on that and also the uh you know it's not good for the environment so there's another kind of tax involved too so anyway yeah it's waiting a little bit of time before you spend money online awesome all right next question we got a question from yeah sure usually we go back and forth but oh uh sorry i thought you were kidding uh all right this guy is emailing us in from tejas what do you think i was kidding what waiting fucking a week all right

uh nice uh let's call this guy tony romo really Tony Romo. Hey guys, congrats on waiting a week before you buy shit. So you're not moving on. So what have you put in your shopping cart that you said, let me want this now. And then seven days later you said, what the fuck was I thinking? I can tell you because it all is on a thread that i have with myself with the subject line by question mark okay um and let's go through yeah so also what's your buy rate after a week what do you is it half half of it you still want 20 80 um looking at these first two things it's a t-shirt and a bathrobe still want want the bathrobe. Another t-shirt.

Oh, I've been fucking with the idea of getting white pants. I'm down to fuck with a yacht. You're kind of down to not. I'm kind of down to fuck with white pants. Okay. I've been fucking with the idea of white pants, which then also led me to the idea that i should also cop some blue vans because you can't i already have white vans but you can't wear the white on the white at least i can't they're too dirty these these vans are a year and a half old at this point also isn't that like a

pre-summer thing like wearing white for the summer yeah but then i i didn't have the huevos to pull the trigger but i think the white after Labor Day, that's fine. That's not a real fucking thing. Got it. A baseball bat. Wow. What's that for? I just used to have a baseball bat in my apartment,

and I kind of liked it. I liked holding it and carrying it around. Yeah. And I've missed the feeling. Well, I was thinking about buying it, but that was July 20th, and I haven't thought about it since then. So maybe you didn't want it.

Maybe I didn't want it. And then, oh, like, I bought a pair of cycling glasses that I, like, spent very little money on them, but I didn't like the way they fit, and I returned them. And then you could get, like, expensive ones, but I wasn't sure if I was ready. So I emailed myself that. It seems like you haven't bought anything that you wanted. It seems like you're 0 for 12 on the shit that you still want. No, we're getting to, I bought one of the t-shirts that I sent to myself on August 1st.

I ended up buying it around August 10th, and I have it now, and I like it. All right, that's good. This is like what parents say to their kids when they want a tattoo. They're like, wait a year, and if you still want it, you can get it. Yeah, exactly. But when it comes to spending money, I think it's just so easy to like,

and your credit card information is all saved. It's just on a whim, you can like suddenly spend cash. And then you don't really want or need this stuff. Interesting. I'm the opposite. Like, I don't buy anything. i don't think about like new clothes or i don't i don't even remember the last time i bought any new clothes for myself like since the pandemic started i haven't gotten like a t-shirt or oh i guess i bought shorts when it starts to get hot out yeah i don't think i haven't bought

very much through the pandemic but i think think like after the vaccine, this summer, after the vaccines, you know, pre everything. Now I was going back out in New York city. And like, I feel like just walking around New York city, you just see so many fucking hot people. And you're like,

well, that guy's wearing white pants. I need those. I go home. But now I don't, no, I don't do that. Did I,

I, I kind of wanted a bat recently. I don't think I told you this, but we had a scare in my house. And I'm like, ooh, maybe I should get some bat for, like, fucking protection. You had, wait, somebody, like, broke in? No, I forgot to tell you this. And I definitely forgot to talk about it on the podcast. So it was, like, the middle of the night.

And Avital and I were asleep. And pitch black, like 4 a.m., and we heard this huge crash. And we're like, holy shit, we both shot up out of bed. It sounded like somebody kicked down the front door of our house.

That's what it sounded like. Oh my God, so scary. She grabs Luke and like, oh my God, did you hear that? Like, yeah, what was that? Holy shit. And I'm like oh my god did you hear that like yeah what was that holy shit and i'm like my heart is pounding i'm looking at the ring cam like there's nothing at the ring cam did like a car hit the back of our house like what the hell happened to somebody here i'm looking on twitter to see if there was like a sonic boom or an earthquake or something

um heart beating i like slowly get out of bed i'm like i don't have anything right yeah whoever wants me have at me which is why i was thinking about a bat just because like my scrawny ass holding a bat maybe could have slowly walked down the hallway to the front door i turn on the light and uh a painting a poster fell over and that was the crash so fucking scary but it's like after we figured that out we're like oh thank god but it's not like i can then go back to sleep my heart is still like racing yeah your adrenaline is through the roof it's as if somebody kicked down the front door that's how loud it felt that it woke both of us up from a dead sleep yeah from that to instantly the most scared i've ever been

in my entire life in less than a second. It's like, all right, let's go back to sleep. When was that? I can't go back to sleep. This was like a month ago. You should buy a bat. Got to get a bat. And then I start wailing on the painting. The painting, yeah.

Like a goddamn pinata. Yeah, I start fucking hacking at it like a fax machine in office space. That's what's up. Do you get a wooden bat or a metal college world series style wooden you gotta go wooden classic that's like uh like tom cruise and a few good men yeah where's my bat i think better with my bat a fucking louisville slugger that's right it's exactly right that's what the that's what the link is it's to dick's sporting goods actually i i there's a autographed a-rod bat um from 1998 i guess he hit 50 home runs this was the bat that he used i don't it's 95 000

psa 9 because the autograph was laser etched and there was some noise around the etching. That's not the kind of... I'm going to send you the link. Fine. Send me the link. I actually, I can't even wait. I'm buying this shit right now. Please do not. I will not pay you for that.

I will not pay you for that. You can Venmo me later. It doesn't have to be anytime soon. It's way beyond the Venmo limit. It's never going to happen. Fuck. Taxes are $17,206. I'm not fucking doing this.

I don't want this. Let's do it. Let's fucking do it. Yes. I'm throwing in a Honus Wagner rookie card, which costs $4.2 million. Fine. That's pretty sick. Sort of as an impulse buy.

Okay. So it's 4.3 all in plus the taxes. I don't want to spend more than $2 million. We're not splitting this evenly. I'll kick in two M's, but I'm not going more than that. All right, so I'll get the last $2.5 million. I have to sort of moosh it around. Actually, is the LeBron card still behind you over there?

Yeah, it is. Let's take a look at that. Yeah, I sort of want it this was a super bowl bet from last super bowl i owed jake a basketball card worth 50 dollars sprung for a lebron james 2017 yeah i say 10 phil i used it as a coaster and the plastic kind of came off. I was using... I got, like, Wendy's nuggets, and I put the ketchup there. Inside, yeah, inside. That's an optic. I was trying to dip.

That's a population of just 11. There's not many of those cards on Earth, and it's numbered. One of 499. Gem mint. And you're using it sort of as a coaster wow number five that's a yeah a very low number and that was his number in high school so it's like worth a lot a lot more than the 50 i paid to give it to you so just try to keep it in that in that case that slab well you can't see don't touch. You're cracking the fucking slab. I'm trying to scratch off the cats up, buddy.

It's not worth jack shit the way it is right now. It's a little dog-eared is all. Yeah, I guess you're using it as a bookmark. Yeah. By the way, you don't have to dog-ear the bookmark. The bookmark is the mark. You don't have to dog-ear the bookmark that's using it. Instead of dog-earing the page, use the bookmark. I see that don't have to dog ear the bookmark that's using it's instead of dog earing the page use the book i see that now yeah that's a but it was also a coaster and it

was also a ketchup dipper how much is this one worth that's a good question let's see what is 2017 Panini Donruss Optic. 2017 LeBron. Optic, LeBron, PSA 10? Yeah, is it PSA 10? You tell me. Yeah. Wait, was it 2017? Let me see the front of 2017. What is he doing?

See, yeah, yeah, yeah, that duel. It looks like it has gone up in value it was sold recently for 71 wow yeah that's pretty solid that's actually you tech like yeah it was a bet but you technically owe me the i wouldn't owe you difference no i don't i, I don't. I gave you a $50 card away, and it's appreciated in value to $71. All I owe you is $50. The $21 is mine. You should be Venmoing me the difference every day that something sells above.

Fine, I don't want a base. I'll Venmo you the difference, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. How about that? Actually, it sold two months ago for $91. So you owe me $41 from that. You're fucking nickel and dime dime this is for a bet what was the super bowl bet it was the super bowl bet and football's finally back

wow i bet on brady that's right turns out he's won a super bowl which i guess i should have seen coming of course you got you bet on one goat one another some might say um okay let's take a break let's answer some more questions on the other side of these massages You bet on one goat, one another, some might say. Okay, let's take a break. Let's answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. Tight. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means

you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only all right here's a sticky ass situation. Another dude who just got broken up with on Valentine's Day. So we'll call him Denzel Valentine, which is the name of the basketball player.

Got it. I moved in with my girlfriend of three years and thought everything was going great. So great, in fact, that on Valentine's Day, I gifted her a bracelet from my deceased grandmother. Well, guess what? Seven months later, she dumped my ass. I packed up my stuff and asked for the bracelet back. But the bracelet meant a lot to my grandmother and me, so I felt kind of bad, but yeah. My ex insisted that she had already given the bracelet back. And after turning the flat upside down, I had to give it up for lost.

I blocked my ex on everything so I can move on and I hadn't heard from her since until my best friend sent a link to her OnlyFans. Wow. I don't blame her for setting up an account she's a dime and making some serious coin but what I do mind is that in the main photo my ex is strumming herself like a guitar she's clearly wearing my grandmother's beloved bracelet yikes how the heck do i confront her with this proof to get the bracelet back without looking like a creepy ex thanks wow it's a classic i mean yeah modern seinfeld Modern Seinfeld situation. It is. You can look creepy, but really, she looks like a thief. She stole the bracelet. You don't have to worry about how you look.

She thought she lost it, and now she has it. I think she's firmly in the wrong with this. So you can, I mean, you're not going to look good to her. you're not going to look good to her you're not going to look good to her there's no way that's not going to happen but you don't have to look good to her yeah because she stole from you and it's more about you and your nan than it is about you and her at this point you blocked her on all social media you're not in her life anymore you obviously did subscribe to her OnlyFans, so you care a little bit, but that's fine.

Did you see the subject of this email? Only Nans. Pretty good. Pretty good. Very good point. It's funny. I gifted this lady a bracelet because she was like, you know, she added it to her Amazon wish list,

and, you know, all the guys from OnlyFans are like sort of competing to become the Prince Charming, as it were. And you were? Yeah, and so I gave her a tennis bracelet. It kind of looks like the one that she's using to sort of, like you said, strum herself like a guitar. And it's so funny because the one that I gave her was supposedly pretty it was pricey it was uh i think 21k after all in god and she's she's never worn it she has she must have like 10 of them at this point because she keeps saying like i don't have even after i gave her one she's like i don't

have any right messages me and says like i'm just sort of i'm playing up the fact that i still don't have one it's a racket it's a a tennis bracelet and it's a tennis racket. That's great. Okay. And you know that famous tennis racket company, Head? Yeah. Like that's borderline what we're kind of hoping for when we give her these gifts. Borderline.

It's of course what you're hoping for. Well, she's sort of playing hard to get in a way and like all of us like a fiddle so we are we had this meetup where we all thought we were meeting her and it was at this uh shaky's pizza in the valley and like 41 of us showed up and she was she was sick that day so she ended up she did Much like tennis rackets, she has one too many princes. Talk about her again. Let's see how I react. Let's see what happens when you say some shit about this woman that clearly means a lot to me.

Let's hear it. What did you say about me? I was making a tennis punt. Nothing about you. Would you call me a quince see you didn't even hear what i said in your mat i made a tennis pun i tried to get on board you said you were trying to get head like a tennis rack i made it there were a lot of princes meeting a lot of suitors and it's another tennis company that's pretty funny actually sorry i'm on edge from the uh the loud

noise i heard late at night about a month ago and then uh the cheese from the pizza earlier i was thinking about it you actually shouldn't get a bat because you're a little quick to fly off the handle actually i could probably just use the tennis racket really so someone comes into my house and i'm just hitting fucking overhand shot over overhand shot backhand slices to his knees rafters style we never we never ended up playing tennis when you came out to la oh yeah that's right well i'll be i'll be there again uh in the middle of august that's right yeah so let me set up a set up a fucking tea time and a court time we should actually make that a patreon stretch goal did you say i'm playing tennis with us or just watch us play tennis

no we'll have a one-on-one tournament winner take all what does that mean winner take all we'll play for the card did you see that a professional tennis player uh emailed us saying that if we ever needed lessons or a hitting partner he'd be down to help jesus was it john isner no um i don't want to out this guy but he's uh his name is alex and he's uh currently the 122nd best tennis player in the world according to his rankings that's pretty solid that's really up there i don't think doubles but still yeah i don't think i ever got higher than 122 definitely not higher than 122 sorry you you were never ranked you were never ranked i didn't say i was ranked i said i never got higher than 122 why are you drilling down on every fucking thing i say i just said i didn't get higher than 122 let's move on and people can assume whatever they want to

assume if they want to assume that i was a professional tennis player that was really fucking good they can you were never professional i'm saying you dropped out on everything you don't have to drill down on every single thing that i say you were the worst player on your high school tennis team there's no way you're even close to being ranked on and i didn't say i was ranked i didn't say i was ranked i said i never got close to being 122 or i never got higher than 122 i don't think i ever got higher than 122 it's fucking misleading it's the same way when you say that you went to yale i did go to yale see this what

i'm talking about you went to this you saw you like walk through the i grew up in new haven of course i went to yale yeah over and over again but when you say i went to yale it sounds like you went you got into the school and studied at yale i never said that. But you didn't. Yeah. Yeah, you never said that. But you do make it sound like you did. You make it sound like you're a fucking semi-professional tennis player that studied at Yale. Semi-professional.

You think 122 is semi-professional. That's actually pretty damn professional to me. And I'm not saying I got higher than that. I don't think I did. I know for a fact you did not. Because you were never ranked and you didn't go to yale i didn't go to yale i did go to yale and i didn't and i did not ever get ranked higher than 122 then i'm atp same with me then guilty same with me i went to yale aka walked to the fucking school once and i was never ranked higher than 122nd in the world at any sport wow something you and i have in common because i yeah as i said i went

to yale and i didn't get over 122 on the atp ranking despite my best efforts i will add and that's the truth we should do a pro-am of sorts with this guy Alex and his he plays doubles mostly so it'd be like Alex and his doubles partner me with Alex you with the doubles partner and we'll see oh that's fun that's really fun I like that but like we we get to return their serves and they have to return ours so it'll be a series of aces and then a series of winners after we sort of loft really slow challenges to them. Yeah, you and I will – it's basically them playing singles. So it's like which one of them can hit the ball to us better.

Yeah, and if we get hit with the ball, then we'll call that an insta-loss, which will be fun to see, I think. Yeah, and if we get hit with a ball, then we'll call that an insta-loss, which will be fun to see, I think. Yeah, perfect. As a Patreon stretch goal. Do we give this guy advice? He can tell his girlfriend that somebody sent him the link, and he saw the bracelet, and he wants it back. That is what happened.

It's exactly what happened. I think that's fair. Yeah. I mean, it would be more embarrassing if you stumbled upon it yourself, but then you could just say that your friend sent it to you. This one, your friend actually sent it to you? Yeah, your friend sent it to you.

Sweet. There it is. That's easy. There it is. I didn't tell you my idea that we should become Seattle Kraken NHL fans and try to become the most um popular seattle because right now the franchise doesn't exist so they don't have any like

premier fans so like we could be like by default the most famous seattle kraken fans because no one else cares about them yet yet yeah i assume other seattle celebrities will yeah slowly someone's gonna beat us to it, for sure. Yeah, Macklemore will be maybe their game one. But if we get like preseason tickets and we're like, we're all in on Seattle Kraken, maybe we can like finagle our way to becoming the most. I'm a big fan of Seattle. I love Seattle. So, yeah.

And you like Kraken in general, like the idea of a sea creature, a sea beast. Yeah, actually, my D&D character is kind of like an old school sailor who would have like fought Krakens and stuff. So that actually tracks. That tracks a lot. And we can get into hockey. It's not too dissimilar from the soccer that you're into. And it's during the same season as...

Please. Oh, sorry. Football and... It's like football on ice, basically. Yeah. I could fuck with hockey. I just never... I feel like I can't see the puck when I watch hockey on TV.

Yeah, that's a huge problem. Because they're big guys, and then sometimes you see the puck, and sometimes they're just sort of lost inside the group of guys that are fighting for the puck. Yeah, but I could definitely... I've been to some hockey games and I had a great time. Professional NHL games? Yeah.

Been to two Rangers games, actually. Wow. Are you willing to leave the Rangers and join the Kraken cast? The Kraken community? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Just putting it out there. The Kraken fan club actually needs eight members for one of each of its tentacles that's funny that's so it's me and you and then we just need six others so that's a good way for us to meet celebrities as well it's like jake and amir macklemore um russell wilson sean kemp yeah and then we need four other famous pearl jam maybe that's four people right there there it is great and then we're just sort of a pod as it were rooting for the kraken and we've sort of weaseled our way into becoming the biggest kraken fans on the web they probably all have other shit to do but you and i we're not that busy we could go to every game yes and if they give us

uh what is it called courts Courtside, but not. Yeah. But like, what's it called? Rinkside. Yeah. Rinkside. We really want rinkside tickets.

So if anybody from the Seattle Kraken is listening to this, Jake and I would love to sort of don your jerseys and sit rinkside at a Kraken Golden Knights game. Not bad. Yeah. All right. That's it. That's our time.

Thanks for listening. thanks for emailing in your questions uh if you got your own theme song send them all down to if i were you show at gmail dot com that's right uh opening theme song was by misty lakes or it was just half of it so let's hear the entire theme song now uh dream alive for more of us chatting content videos animated shorts everything it's patreon.com slash ja that's right there's a new stuck out right now correct uh three episodes of that animated series we're putting outtakes to the jake and amir episodes that we're posting there's jake and amir rewatches i mean the patreon is blowing up there's no better time to join it's a buzz with this shit um so yeah enjoy that and uh we'll be back on thursday probably again

wow we're making a lot of shit recently too much some could argue too much shit yeah not us though no not enough we it. Okay. We'll be back. Bye. I don't know. ស្រូវាប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប្រូវាប់បានប់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់បាន់ That was a Hiddem Original. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.