Segments - 503: The Greatest Height

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

In this episode we discuss dating apps, Dorito commercials, and White Lotus.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm .See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Stunning 533 from from Amir Shuel. And even greater golden Mike street from Jake the Pinch. Amir is a chipmunk with a bushy tail. And if I'm being honest His humor is getting stale But there he is again Jake Hurwitz I'm not saying I'm gay But if he has to

Get in bed with him I'd let him fuck my butt While I'm here I'll give Amir the tourney And while I'm at, Jake gets the golden mic. No doubt Jake will be humble, chuffed, and cheesed. I have to be honest, Jake is the only host for me. All right. That's quite enough, actually. Yeah.

I mean, you let him go for a long time just dragging you. Dragging you. Yeah. Which was, I mean, it was tough, but it was fair. It was mean, but it was accurate. So how much can you really blame him? How hurt can you be when someone only spoke the truth to you? You know what I'm saying?

I mean, more now because you said that. But yeah, it hurts more when it's the truth. Does it hurt more when it's the truth? Because you could try to change. I mean, you're pretty stuck in your ways, but I feel like you could. No, change what? He was attacking my man you're he was attacking my person yeah shit that i can't change your chipmunk who i am who i chip

my dna yeah your dna my sense of humor your little animal yeah yeah you're a little he also talked about doing anal with you if necessary which i found to be a little blue off color off coot that came out of left field but i think it was still a hit i mean what do we expect we've been fucking peddling smut for a decade and a half and suddenly somebody talks about anal to us in a song yeah like we have no moral high ground we have no leg to stand we have to take that in stride buddy we have to just accept that for the norm that is status quo yes or status blow for us that's the golden mic for me but status i wasn't gonna give it to myself but then you weren't going to give me shit.

So I had to bring it. On the way. Status quo. Status quo for it being blue. So I made it blue and I said status blow. Yeah. It's a pretty fucking good pun. And it was apropos or apro blow, if I might say.

That's why I get the golden mic that's why i earn that shit do you want to start the episode i'll make a quick acceptance speech uh thank you honestly i'm i'm floored we're talking four and i fucking uh just won an award um i'm floored by the award um i know i am honored she's humbled say the joke say the joke that won it status blow yeah yeah yes status blow and also apro blow i feel like really cemented me as the goat in that moment um but i am humbled and i thank you for what i believe is actually could be my 500th golden mic um wow what what are you saying it means everything it means nothing it means nothing. It means nothing. Sorry. You mean nothing.

And you get nothing. You lose. You lose. The singer, the Bo Burnham parody. You know that funny feeling. I love that song. I mean, that's the one that I, I think that's maybe the one or two that I've listened to from his album,

but I loved it so much. I am still listening to that special i first i watched i'm like that was pretty good but now i'm on spotify i'm still listening to these songs that's how good it is yeah i mean that song slaps i really love it it's moving the melody is incredible uh um that is by matthew lucent lucente l-u-c-E-N-T-E, who actually, this is his second theme song submitted. The first one was the Every Rose Has Its Thorn parody. Nice. So he's sort of into the melodramatic, bittersweet tunes,

both Every Rose Has Its Thorn and That Funny Feeling. Cool, yeah, I like it. So thank you matthew uh this is if i were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by me and him i'm amir i'm liquid nice i should say if jake sounds echoey it's because he's recording from a cavernous room. We've learned nothing in the last eight, nine years. I've regressed. Do I sound echoey to you? You do, but I'm not hearing your microphone audio. I'm hearing your Zoom audio from your computer.

So hopefully the microphone eliminates some of the echo. I'm really hoping it does. But yeah, I just moved into a new place and the ceilings are a little too tall for podcasting those are 40 foot cathedral style ceilings i moved into a silo actually yeah a giant tube a cylinder right so there's hay and there's grain in the silo and there's and the important thing is yes and you're there with a cow in the grain and a silver grain little boy blue and the man in the milk um yeah kind of a wasted joke there since matthew called me out you got an award for it so regardless of how i do going forward it doesn't seem to little boy

blue and the man in the milk you You think that's better than apro blow? Or status blow? Sure. I know you don't think so. I obviously think that you don't think so. I guess I should say, let's open, I can't wait to do a live show so we can fucking open it up

and actually declare a golden mic in a turdy like letting the democracy decide yes i feel like that's happened but yeah i guess no way i would i welcome the challenge well it wouldn't really be a challenge i welcome the opportunity i welcome that mic that i will earn by right the adoration of my comrades and i appreciate in advance i'm actually already cheese honored humble you can't be i'm chuffed i am chuffed and i'm humble and i'm cheap you can't you can't be pre-cheesed i haven't even become cheesed yet i've pre-seized the pre-cheese uh speaking of pre-seizing some pre-cheesing this guy has a question about his girlfriend who was sort of pre-cheating oh pre-cheating very yeah or preating for short nice we'll call him uh preed preeter preeter

what's a famous peter preeter gallagher there's pre uh brahara okay preet bahara right i'm a 24 year old from toronto and my girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. At the eight-month mark, I broke up with her because of some mental and family issues I was dealing with, and we were split for about three months. But towards the end of the three months, we got back together. Now, during those months apart, as I was dealing with my issues, she was living her single life and slept with someone else. Now that we're back together, I'm bothered by this.

When I brought it up to her, she dismissed it as not a big deal. Since we are back together, everything is going great so far. I feel like I should know about who that was. Am I wrong for letting it affect me? Or is she taking this too lightly? Should I sweep it under the rug because it was in the past? Side note, big fan of the testing, testing Thursday episodes.

And I think it would be a fun idea to have a mirror, take the Helix test and see if he can get close to Jake's perfect score. Highly unlikely considering Jake was perfect, but let's see if he can get close. Very interesting. Yeah. We'll see if you can pass muster on the old Helix test. The Helix test, which is basically just asking you how you sleep,

that you constantly say that you ace. Save it for the ad read. Save it for the ad read. All right? This is named show. This is the show right now. Okay. I was just saying that it's not that hard to ace a test wherein you're they're

asking you if you sleep on your side or or stomach or back yes yes so it's not regardless of the yes or no it's not yes or no it's not true or false there's multiple choice and it's also do you sleep hot or cold neither there's shit like that there's shit like they try to trip you up by being like neither like does not apply or whatever they do not try to trip you up how about they're not trying do you wake up with do you wake up with back pain that's another fine normal question you can't get it wrong you can't get it no no you can get it right and i aced it nice uh anyway uh does this guy deserve to know what happened during the we were on a break i think there there's a lot of layers here he the last question he asked was was he wrong for feeling the way he does which he is not

i can understand that there's this little thing that's getting at you and it's a big thing in your mind and it's a small thing in her mind and that almost makes it worse but you this guy should also reread part of the email where he said things are going great. It's like you've been through the bad shit. You broke up so you could deal with your shit. You did your back together and it's great. And that's really all that needs to be considered. You figured your shit out and got the girl that you like back and hooray the future's

bright do not focus on something that was out of your control and also was perfectly fine dandy and legal in the court of law and the public opinion i think that, you know, obviously you break up with someone, they're single, they can sleep with somebody. That's a okay. And you, sorry, to be perfectly candid, you aren't owed an explanation at all. So, so I think, yeah, you just have to accept this for what it is, which is actually good and be fine. Yeah. It seems like the other option is to demand to know.

And whenever you're demanding something, it's not a good look. Right, because what happens if you demand to know? You get your way. Your girlfriend is upset that you wouldn't let this thing go. She tells you the name of the guy and it's gonna be bad you're not like gonna find out the guy and be like all right cool glad i know it's like no now i can all right well i'm already picturing you getting railed by somebody but now i know he has a face and like it could be worse like it might be a stranger best case scenario she tells you a guy's name that you've never heard of you don't know the person the end we move on um but you'll always for the

rest of your life like hate the name uh dylan because that's the guy's name you know yeah or worse than that it could be someone you know it's like this someone that's in your circle and then that's going to be really annoying i mean it almost sounds like and i don't even want to accuse anything but it kind of sounds like it's you it wasn't me jackie style because you're like you're like really nervous at the thought of her fessing up to something like i've never seen you this on edge before like he can ask and he can know the name it wasn't like he that's nice yeah but like what if it was you like that it wasn't me that would have no yeah he just replied he just found out it was jake jake herwitz specifically it wasn't me shaggy and that's what the song's about you just deny deny deny no matter what remember the super bowl commercial where was it ashton kutcher who kept catching mila kunis eating doritos and

she kept saying it wasn't me it wasn't me and then shaggy was in it at the end. No. God, they really do such dumb shit for this interval. That made me buy a bag of Cool Ranch. You know, it's funny. How important is that? Do they need to advertise? Do they need to? I feel like at this point, we all know Cool Ranch is good. And I just know that it's bad for me. So I avoid it as much as I can.

But sometimes if I'm hungover, I'm like, fuck it, I'll eat Doritos. Yeah, I think they were trying to reach people that were saying'm like fuck it i'll eat doritos yeah i think they were trying to reach people that were saying fuck it i'll eat doritos i guess that's it but like they should just i don't know they should just show you a close-up of the doritos i don't need to see yeah they do so it's like mila kunis is eating the dorito and you can see like the chip and she has cheese all over her fucking mouth and fingers that's not appealing it wasn't her they should like fucking just show a blt and then a side of the chips and nothing else you think you could come up with a better dorito campaign than the mila kunis ashton

kutcher i think okay so you have 30 seconds what what happens in this okay commercial this ad what's the perfect addition to a blt it's actually a d bl dt um if you're d this is you what talking over over fucking inserts of a sandwich it's fucking slow sweeping cushions of a blt crispy bacon fucking whatever else is on it um lettuce and tomato yeah i'm getting nervous because i'm you're fucking i feel like you're already about to pass and i'm like my time's not even up but you're like making me the fucking energy that you're bringing to this pitch is like no you know yeah i mean i don't have to i'm not an actual dorito buyer but there yeah there's no way they would listen to you and think this is a confident person. It's a slow fucking dolly in of the BLT.

Okay. And there's mayo. There's mayonnaise on it. So far, you haven't said Doritos once. Let me finish! There's a soda. Hey, buddy, I think you should get up and i think we should leave the room i'm gonna faint i'm fainting i'm fainting we're gonna go we're gonna

go with the kutcher kuna's shaggy spot i think because you're starting to really freak us out and that was pitched by shaggy on the day that's right and he had the confidence not like you he's freaking out can't remember the ingredients of a blt he had the confidence and a bad idea but i have i'm insecure but i have a great idea yeah and it's just between me and shaggy yeah and it's just chips and honestly yours would be cheaper because they probably spent a lot of money paying for ashton kutcher to endorse something right yeah for this they would only have to pay for like bacon and lettuce and one to you i think you'd have to get a couple of this because like you know shoot days are long and the tomato might get soggy the lettuce could get wilted um yeah but it's probably

just one loaf three tomatoes two packs of bacon three tomatoes a head of lettuce yeah because you want to make this every once in a while one jar of hellman's um you can't have a different brand you can get it well you wouldn't see the hellman's jar it would be askew and it would be you know when you're you're filming no i don't know anything stop fucking talking to me you don't know anything it's the first fucking honest thing you said on podcast thank you let's go to break do you ever all right fine real quick but do you ever make bacon yeah i do a lot at home you fry it up um yeah i have a couple different methods depending on where i am you'll buy raw bacon from a store and then yeah i think my bacon yeah i make bacon i make bacon a lot um do the frying pan that's the kind of the standard but my parents have an electric stove

and it's kind of shitty so when i'm at their house i do either a sheet pan bacon. You can cook it in the oven or you can microwave. You just nuke it, you know. Nuke the raw pork. Yeah, and it actually heats it up. It cooks it. It comes out pretty well in the microwave. Not going to lie. Because the pan, it's really nice.

It's really crispy, but it condenses a lot. You lose a lot of that fat. Yeah, it shrinks. Yeah, there's shrinkage. And there's a lot of cleanup. It's not that fun as a jew i eat bacon when i'm out if it's on stuff but i never i still haven't gotten over the hump of buying and making bacon ever that's interesting yeah it's still in me like does jill buy bacon no jill i mean

jill doesn't even eat bacon yeah that's fair's fair. She'll like, yeah, no. And she grew up when, in her house, I think her house was kosher. Like her parents don't keep it anymore, but she just has no appetite for it. What about meat, milk and meat, cheese on turkey? If I see her, sometimes, sometimes, very infrequently, she'll just eat red meat.

She doesn't really eat that much meat, but she'll eat like a burger but not with cheese interesting i was i noticed earlier um this year that salami the salami i used to have growing up was just pork like my family's we're not eating bacon but like salami is fine but i'm like all right so it's a different shape and name people don't think of salami as bacon which is it just is it's just the same thing but it has a nicer word so did you just tend to use a lot of it as beef yeah i just always assumed it was fine like some sort of turkey beef hybrid but no it's pork just like bacon so like i would just eat salami as well i wonder if jill also ate salami or if they they knew better i think no i think they were like when she was a kid they were like true kosher like two sets of silver oh wow oh that's legit yeah that's really

so i don't think they accidentally ate salami yeah you don't have like fucking two refrigerators and then also have this and one's full of salami like we wouldn't eat ham but i would get pepperoni and just not look it up yeah i think that's that's kind of where uh that's where they are now yeah like sort of blind themselves to the ingredient list although you kind of sneak you do some nefarious shit like putting bacon in her shit when she's not looking like that's that's that messed up shit yeah and then then she's like oh yeah i keep kosher i'm like do you do you or did you eat bacon yesterday she's like that was vegan i thought they said that was seitan yeah like well i cooked it in the same pan as i cooked my bacon didn't i and there's some bacon grease and also a piece of bacon with seitan because you said it was good didn't you and i'm a little seitan hail seitan uh no but what you're doing is kind of it's really fucked up it's fucked um

let's take a let's take that break but i do want to talk to you about you can't like for certain like off mic off mic yeah it's just really messed up for you to for you to do that and i will check it's getting to the point yeah we'll let's get into the point we're gonna have to get it out i said i i know but i feel like it's weighing on me i have to tell her we'll talk through it we'll talk it's not your secret to tell but we'll talk through it i will i already texted her but yeah let's talk about it during the break let's take a break and uh we'll come that wasn't your thing that was not your place it's not a place to do that yeah i just felt like it would never come out if I... It wasn't going to.

It wasn't going to. Exactly. All right, let's talk about it during the break. Let's talk about it after the break, yeah. All right, bye. Bye. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

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Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

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And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I think we both do. We both like... It's infrequent that we love the same TV show.

It happened with Succession. And now it's happened with? White Lotus. We love the Lotus. It's funny because it's sort of like, it's like they're cousins of the same show. So it's like rich white people in New York. And then White Lotus is like rich white people in Hawaii. Yeah. white people in new york and then white lotus is like rich white people in hawaii yeah it's it looks it seems like the people from succession would be vacationing at white lotus like exactly

it's they take it's just roman like that guy the the the couple it's roman shane yeah yeah yeah shane is roman on vacation they're they were the same same universe yeah definitely succession season four is just shane visiting his cousin roman that would be so cool they should brothers with cousin greg yeah i mean they're both hbo tgif used to do it all the time why not urkel urkel was fucking everywhere full house house once at some point there's no reason to think that Shane couldn't be fucking hanging out with Kendall so yeah um did you watch it live as it was happening or did you wait and then binge it I think I watched I think I maybe binged two or three episodes and then I was watching week to week yeah Yeah. And did you like it instantly or was it like a slow build?

I did not love the first episode. After the first episode, I was like, I feel like I'm not gonna, I like told Jill she could watch it without me like while I was recording or something. Wow. But I love the first episode.

Yeah. I think it was just not what I needed that week. Like I was, because it's the point that the characters are so hateable and you eventually grow to appreciate them for like their eccentricities that are also fucked up but like yeah at first i was just like i can't like watch these people that i hate um but then by the end i i liked it did you know that mike white the creator of it wrote it himself in like two months no no i did not so there's this la times article about how the show was made and mike white had a show on hbo enlightened was it uh that took

place in hawaii like 10 years ago and they're you know, we can't really shoot anything, HBO said. He's like, but if you just write something that we could shoot at the Maui Four Seasons, we could probably like shoot it in a few months. And he's like, all right, I'll see what I can do. And then started writing last year in August, like basically around now. And then by October, they were shooting it. So like he said they were basically shooting his rough drafts of scripts. That's nuts. it so like he said they were basically shooting his rough drafts of scripts that's which is insane because the story feels so like perfect and tied up in multiple storylines it seems like an entire

writer's room of 12 highly trained writers were working on it for a year and a half to make it all work but now it was like a fucking like one of those police boards with all of the like the strings everywhere that's nuts i can't it seems like he had to have had this in his mind before august there's no way he's like all right what do i got hawaii well i'll figure it out from there and then two months later they were shooting man that's crazy great show great characters great actors including the uh main australian concierge armand yeah stole the show so he's fucking he's a beautiful man uh did it make you want to bring the mustache back kind of i mean i appreciated him like uh christoph waltz and like uh inglorious bastards where it's like who is this guy where

did he where did he come from how is he so good and he's like 50 years old and i've never even heard of him and now i just like want to watch him do anything in any movie yeah and we should watch another movie of his he's an australian guy love an aussie yeah that's what it is he was famous in australia and he was even in some shows over here but for whatever reason they weren't as much of a runaway hit now i feel like he's gonna be in everything yeah i could definitely see that he was a breakout star yeah he looks like a slender tom hank uh tom selleck or something or like oh yeah only with piercing blue eyes like fucking what's his name that really oh paul newman or something oh yeah yeah yeah it's just a handsome guy and the show itself was so funny and it even reminded us a

little bit of like lonely and horny level awkwardness cringiness of like yeah newly married couple who's like clearly shouldn't be together at all god yeah that dude is he is very ruby jd yes just like constantly wanting to get the better room the upgrade and yeah completely oblivious to how sad his new wife is. See, I feel like that's the kind of show that we should be trying to come up with in pitching and writing. It's like, we love fucking assholes.

Yeah, but the hard part is all the other stuff around him. Like, it can't just be a show about him. It has to be like there's the two college girls and also the entire family and every time we write a middle-aged woman we are good at coming up with your character and my character and everyone else is impossible and mike white sits down and farts out 13 instantly relatable, highly entertaining different characters that are all just like awesome to watch. Goddamn.

He's good. So let us be that 10,000th person to tell you to watch White Lotus if you haven't already. It's good. Yeah. You know what other show I'm hearing as much buzz as now as I heard about White Lotus? Yeah. I haven't seen any of it yet is a reservation dogs oh interesting i just saw a poster for that today i would check it out i guess i need something next

show all right need something and you and i should watch things together we should watch things together you know maybe unlike fucking facetime we can hang out. You talk. Laugh together. No way. Okay. I don't want to watch shit with you all. We can watch it separately. So just say you're busy. We can talk about it later. Say, just be like. It's not a busy thing. Just say like maybe and then we don't follow up.

Don't say like I don't want to watch shit with you. Because that. Just to time it over FaceTime. It seems like it's unnecessary. I don't need to like see you in the corner of my eye. So just be like yeah maybe. And then we'll talk about it later. And then we don't ever do it. No, because you'll bring it up. You don't have to insult see you in the corner so just be like yeah maybe and then we'll talk about it later and then we don't ever do it but no because you'll bring it up insult me yeah i'll bring it up i'll ask if you want to do it you say maybe later this week and then

doesn't happen but i my feelings are intact it's fine for big deal you want me to lie to you ideally all right fine as long as you literally never bring it up and don't make it feel like it's going to happen and then make me feel even worse about it later okay i'm busy but let's try to find a time to watch something, a show over FaceTime. You promise? See, I can already feel, I already regret saying that much. So no, I do not promise. When do you want to do it? I'm telling you, I don't want to do it. I don't think I can, I can do that. You said you couldn to do it i'm telling you i don't want to do it i don't think i can

i can say you're gonna do it this week oh my god let's do it fucking at the end of september swear to god no i don't swear to god i don't promise i don't even want to do it i'm only saying this because you said for me to you're like checking tomorrow i'll check in tomorrow and i'll send you a calendar calendar invite for september 29th we'll get the date firmed up and um we'll figure it out but i'll pencil you in for the 29th now yeah i might watch the show beforehand imagine i bail on you what it's finally here and you can't make it this is such bullshit you're watching with marty over skype uh all right we got a email from a guy who's 23 six foot three and has been a fan of us since the age of three.

Damn. Sorry, the age of 13, yeah. That's Mark Hoppus. No one likes you when you're 23. Nice. Thank you. Mark Hoppus writes, yes, I've been a fan since I was in seventh grade, and now I'm a whopping

23 thanks for all the laughs over the years but let's get into it i'm a pretty average looking dude i'm six foot three but with a pretty bad hairline so hopefully those two things cancel each other out i've never had a real girlfriend but i have decided that i'm ready and it's time i've recently been on hinge and i like to think I'm generally pretty clever and decent at talking to people, but I haven't had an overwhelming success in the past, but it's not terrible either. Unfortunately, I've had some missed opportunities lately

and I can't get out of my own head. Now I'm constantly self-sabotaging because I psych myself out and lose all my natural charm, reverting to the herb that nobody in their right mind would wanna be a part of. I know I need to just move on and be be confident but i can't seem to do it have you guys ever moved on from a string of swings and misses in the past how will i get out of this rut how do i become a kobe bryant of myself and just focus on the next shot thanks guys love the show and congrats on 500 all right gracias home home home home what do you think well i think he could focus

on being six three which might be the goat height like he is he's sort of like dismissing the fact that he's six foot three which is like as even if you're ugly in six three that's like a pretty hot guy right there six three yeah six three that's just a good that's a good profile there's a lot of guys that are shorter than that that would trade yeah some books for the height so you can focus on the things that you got going for you like would you rather look like a five foot five inch tom cruise or like a six foot three inch josh hartnett what what josh hartnett is i think he's hot because he's tall like if hartnett was five foot five i don't think yeah i look like a fucking hot i look like tom cruise is like 60 no i don't want to look like tom cruise all right a young Tom Cruise, a risky business. How young? Jerry Maguire. Risky business, 26?

Let's say a vanilla sky Tom Cruise. Then I'd rather look like, I think I'd rather look like Tom Cruise. Okay, and five foot, what, five? I don't think. You'd rather look like a five foot five inch. No, he's not. But I'm saying would you rather look like a five foot five Tom Cruise or like a six foot three3 let's say Adam Driver interesting

because I thought Hartnett was hot I guess I'm just talking about guys who are like sort of unconventionally handsome but are made much more so by their height yeah because Driver has a pretty sick body really nice shoulders on him yeah and it's just like it's cool to be six three is what i'm trying to get out of here yeah no okay you're right okay i think i'd choose six three um so this guy is six three that's a great starting point um but there's no

reason to give short people that are listening uh a complex because we're trying to build up this guy for the height because i feel like we're talking fuck anybody under six three dude we're talking that's not gonna happen for we're talking about confidence not height and where do you drive how tall do you think i could i can be you're telling people that i am you are a chipmunk you're three and a half inches tall morally do you get that you're nothing wow you're no one you're a woodland creature you're an ass you are prey for a fucking bird that's what you are wow that uh that hurt to hear actually because i i didn't realize that was 0.3..3 that's a hard height to have yeah yeah at least give me one foot two because i have one foot two foot three foot drop what it's like the song from beetle juice no i know okay um um yeah anyway advice guy yeah yeah

uh you sort of buzz your head you grow your beard you're six foot three you're charming on the app you're killing it in so many ways you just just got to put, you got to look for a new start, a fresh beginning. It just takes one. It helps, you know, shooters just need to see the ball go in once. Maybe try to get to the free throw line, get a layup. That's good. That's good. And I think you, the other thing to remember, just hold this in your heart, is that you

don't need to be perfect. You barely even need to be good. On the dating apps, they're full of so much garbage. You just have to be nice and normal. The baseline, like the bar is set very, very low that most guys, if you're normal, can step over it. And it sounds like this guy just doesn't have, you know, you are charming,

but maybe it takes a little bit to warm up. So you don't have to worry about like nailing it on the first try. Just worry about not being a shit bag, be nice, and that's it. If you're nice, you'll be ahead of the competition. And also know that most people that are on these dating apps, just like you,

they're seeing hundreds of people, hundreds of faces fly by. So you're being harder on yourself, staring in the mirror every single day, psyching yourself down before you go out. Like nobody else is looking at you with that critical of an eye. How many dick inches would you sacrifice to get that on your height?

I'm serious. I would have a two inch cock if it meant I have an extra four on top. And I do mean cutting and pasting. So I look like a fucking flesh unicorn. That's what I'm talking about. Fucking empire cock building. I want a cone head where the cone is actually my D, and my D is actually a toe.

Right. Amir is the kind of guy you're competing with on the app. And did I mention I'm five foot none? And I look like Tom. Too long. Did I mention I'm five foot none? And I look like Tom. Too long. Yeah, I guess what Jake said is better. I mean, listen, you got a lot of great stuff going on.

There's so many people on there. Plenty of fish in the sea. You're doing a great job. Your email is very competent, coherent. And yeah, like Jake said, most people are not good. So the bar is low. We haven't even used this as an opportunity to promote Orion, which is our dating app. So if you've been watching us in seventh grade

and you're 23 now and you're trying to date, you should just download Orion because at the very least you'll have something in common to talk to anyone that you meet that you meet on there by the by by the date orion.com that's right date orion.com somebody um recently messaged me because you and i swipe i swipe everybody right um and i chat with people sometimes and someone wrote to me, wait, let me find,

let me see if I can find it. She wrote that she flew last week to meet up with someone that she met on Orion and they're like, wow. Yeah. So we already have a relationship. We have a relationship. Completed.

A proof of, a proof of purchase proof of purchase a joyous test it's from two weeks ago so hopefully it's still going strong hell yeah if we could just create one wedding i feel like our work here is dumb actually on the with in that message i did promise that you and i would officiate the wedding if it happens well i never agreed to that where where would it be like where did she fly to she didn't tell me but it's what if it's in florida tests i guess cases are pretty insane there right now florida's probably the one place i wouldn't go but yeah anywhere else is on the table all right good to know let us know um all right let's take another break answer another

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Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Hey. All right. College is back in session. We got a very modern college problem. Good, good.

Yes. This guy lives in Dallas, Texas. We'll call him Luka Doncic because he's about to start his second year at university. Cool. Luka writes, I'm in Dallas and I'm starting my second year at university and the campus is entirely open for in-person learning, which you'd think would be great for meeting people, but that hasn't been the case. Our campus is still as a mask mandate while inside buildings, but some students are overtly proud not to be wearing theirs. Therein lies the dilemma.

The people who appear to be most outgoing are the ones without masks. So I'm not sure if those are the type of people I want to be meeting. And those who do wear masks seem reserved and unapproachable. So what should I do? I live about 30 minutes from campus, so it's not like I'm walking around seeing people at the gym or in school events. Also, I'm 27, which makes me feel at least a considerable amount older than most of the students at these undergraduate classes. Any advice for meeting new friends would be greatly appreciated, Jake.

Congrats on your insane golden mic streak. Thank you. I'm pulling for you to take it away from Amir's ungrateful, greedy chipmunk hands. Todah, love, Luca luca damn that is a problem mass is at college i never considered that but i guess yeah yeah i mean of course are you masked up at like grocery stores and stuff still uh yeah there was you know that brief window when they um like grocery stores in the city seemed like they always had it, but like the coffee shops and the restaurants,

the masks went away. And there was like a couple days when my gym also wasn't having a mask that I just didn't have a mask in my pocket. And it was kind of beautiful. Yeah. Late June when you're like, I guess this is goodbye old pal you throw

it out the window four days later everyone has to wear a mask yeah no shit but yeah now it's back um you know wear them in the stores and stuff although in texas my brother was just in texas and it's like nobody wears a mask like even at like restaurants shopping malls indoor stores they're yeah they they said goodbye and they never got it back. So it's interesting that this university is still hanging on to the mask mandate. Interesting. Yeah.

I mean, I guess it just depends where it is. I mean, they're private, so they can kind of do whatever they want, right? Yeah. I mean, it's smart to. And I'm glad that it's legal to, because in some places they're trying to make it illegal to ask people to wear masks which seems not ideal yeah it's it's all such a fucking mess how why do we turn everything into this like because we have to be right the and they have to be wrong yeah uh so imagine college plus masks

that seems like an extra layer of kind of annoying but i guess if you're just listening to a professor the professor also has to wear a mask that's their problem that's not ideal either i mean i get yeah we everybody just knows so intimately their covid experience because we've all just been kind of doing the exact same thing in this bubble for a really long time but like jesus yeah do you think pence college professors do pence have like pens like if you're writing taking i thought you're saying like a little do you think mike pence has to wear a mask or is he like a little ink pen where he doesn't necessarily have mike's pen i want to know if mike pence wore a mask to Trader Joe's last week in Martha's Vineyard.

I mean, I guess what I would do is probably, like, I follow the rules with the mask. I hate it. I don't like wearing it, but I don't feel normal breaking the rules. Yeah. And it's the right thing to do. But really, mostly, for me, it's about the rules. You need the rules to follow them. Otherwise you're a rule breaker,

which means you're kind of a not good person. And the science behind masks means they work. This guy is still down to wear a mask. He just doesn't know how to make friends while wearing a mask. Because like, you know, half the fun of college is leaning over and whispering something. And when you're leaning over and whispering in a mask to somebody who's not wearing a mask because like you know half the fun of college is leaning over and whispering something and when you're leaning over and whispering in a mask to somebody who's not wearing a mask they're like what i can't hear you i mean i feel weird taking it off you got

to just spend more time on campus in and uh outdoor settings outdoor settings like you live 30 minutes from campus but that if anything maybe that gives you some reason to like hang out more in between your classes or like show up early stay a little later try to meet people around there yeah um any kind of setting where it feels like you you know it's easier to meet people also i think like just joining um clubs groups and it might be good, the mask mandate thing, because usually you talk to someone, you get to know them, and then three weeks in,

they're like, by the way, I'm fucking anti-science, and it comes up organically. Now it's like, if you know somebody's fucking kind of a little bit crazy and doesn't believe in shit, if they're already not wearing a mask, so it's like, okay,

I can eliminate hanging out with these people and I'll just hang out with the people that are like-minded. Likewise, people without masks don't want to hang out with us masked folks because, you know, what are we doing? What do we think? We're trying to like help people out and try to eliminate the disease or whatever. I don't want to hang out with air. I want to go fucking go bar hopping and I don't have to like wear and diaper on my face.

I'm actually being considering switching sides a little bit just to see how it feels. Cause you want, I'm going to this protest. I want to go protesting. I can't imagine. So I'll go to a nurse. So on the other side that it's not even just like, no,

I don't give a shit. I'm going to bars to go, to go into like, no, no, no, I want, I'm an activist for the other side that it's not even just like no i don't give a shit i'm going to bars to go to go into like no no i want i'm i'm an activist for the dumb side that's right so i'll go to a hospital and yell at yell at nurses who have who wear a masks into at their at their hospital that's what i need to do yeah that's what i'm looking forward to um i also think it takes a long time to make friends at college like sometimes it it takes a long time to make friends anywhere you just have to be patient and it's not easy but you just have to have that persistence um and if people are reserved you can talk to them first and maybe they'll open up yeah good

luck oh college plus COVID. Not fun. What an amazing time. Freshman last year, sophomore this year. There it is. Half of it straight up gone. And spoiler alert. So sad. Next year ain't gonna be better.

I wanna get better. No, it's gonna get worse. And then you'll graduate. And so that little glorious period of your life. You've stopped giving advice. You've stopped giving advice. It's not helpful. It's not helpful.

Like an oyster shucked from your fucking subconscious. It's now hurtful. It's now hurtful. It's gone. And it tastes good. So that's, yeah. Good luck good luck i guess i hope you put some cocktails on that experience that's when you sort of try to squeeze the joy out of a terrible situation i'd like to talk to someone who's in college right now and see how see how

they're doing maybe they just don't give a shit i see videos on twitter all the time of people fucking partying down i really think it's just like just like everything else it depends where you're at college it depends what city it depends what state it depends what your job is yeah which is everything everyone's experience has been so different again that's why i'm moving to tampa baby tampa champa bay we got the lightning we got the bucks we got Tom Brady aka the goat and you have a fucking mask on I don't think so not my life

really I can't afford it right now it's another good opportunity to tell people to watch the new Jake and Amir mask episode that's right vaccinated on the new Jake and Amir mask episode. That's right. Vaccinated on our YouTube. Jake and Amir vaccinated. We're two eps deep into our comeback.

One more to go. Yeah, then we really have to start shooting more. We got to get more in the can, more in the bank. That's right. Okay, that's it. Thanks for listening. Thanks for submitting your questions. you can email everything to if i were you show at gmail.com that's right uh opening theme song oh we only listened to half

of it so let's listen to the other half now was matthew it was that that funny feeling um parody called that funny feeling um but it was about how jake is good and i'm not right at lucente so thank you matt uh for more uh videos of us chatting hooting hollering live uh we have podcast videos we have jake and amir rewatches we got animated um sketches on there. A lot of shit on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. Yes. And if you subscribe there, it's a nice way to support the new videos that we're making because now we're doing it ourselves.

Hell yeah. Self-started. Back on our independent shit. Bootstrapping, baby. Okay. We will see you on Thursday, probably. Bye. Peace. Okay, we will see you on Thursday probably. Bye! Peace!

Stunning 530 street from Amir Shmuel And even greater golden mic street from Jake the Pinch Amir is a chipmunk with a bushy tail And if I'm being honest, his humor is getting stale But there he is again, Jake Erwitt I'm not saying I'm gay but if he has to get in bed

with him I'd let him fuck my butt while I'm here I'll give Amir the tourney and while I'm at it Jake gets Give Amir the tourney. And while I'm at it, Jake gets the golden mic.

No doubt Jake will be humble, chuffed, and cheesed. I have to be honest, Jake is the only host for me There he is again, Jake Hurwitz I'm not saying I'm gay, but If he has to get in bed with him I'd let him fuck my butt. Hey, what can I say? Jake is hot. And Amir looks like he's not.

Hey, what can I say? Jake is hot. Hey, what can I say? Jake is hot And Amir looks like he eats magma Hey, what can I say? Jake is hot And Amir looks like he's not. Hey, what can you say? Jake is hot. And Amir looks like he eats magma. That was a Hidgum Original.