Segments - 504: First Date (w/Avital Ash!)

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

Writer/Actor/Lover Avital Ash joins us to discuss buying low, selling high, and punk covers.   Check out our sponsor MyBookieSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. This is Glimmering Gone. Homesick and on. He sees glimmering gold

Homesink and all He dreams a day Where he can say Maybe today's the day He'll get a golden mic He makes one grass joke And then he jokes It seems that Jake Never gives him a break

And he thinks to himself if he weren't a chipmunk then just maybe today he'd have a golden

mic He'd have a golden mic Turn it Louis Armstrong, a national treasure, impersonated singing about a poop award. Nice. By Lorne Mintz. Nice. treasure impersonated singing about a poop award nice by lorn mince nice i'll be tall would you say that was offensive or fine keep in mind you're the authority on it it's great i couldn't make out totally what was being said but it sounds like it hurt his throat and i think suffering for your art

makes you good yeah so he's good you have to suffer for your art yeah it's a very distinct louis armstrong voice um and that was written by a man named lorn who actually made parodies before for us such as newfound glory blink 182 and all american rejects huge what range yes from tom delong to louis armstrong one of the other goats imagine Imagine Tom DeLonge doing a Louis Armstrong impression. That's his next song. It has to be. Small things. That's pretty good.

All the small things. No, because then you lose the Tom DeLonge. That's just Louis Armstrong singing Blink-182. Yeah. I'm going to dance. Tom's voice is kind of like this. It's like San Diego. All the small things

All the You can't do it All the small things I'll be tall actually nailed it All the small things I feel like you guys have become Muppets Yes that was correct It was very Waka waka chic I feel like you guys have become Muppets. Yes. That was crazy. Yeah.

That was good. It was very Waka Waka chic. All right. We are in New York City together. Ow. Me. Jake. Me.

Avital. And also Avital. Jake. Whoa. Big. Recording this the day after the great flood. Which you never know by stepping outside. Beautiful day.

Beautiful today. Absolutely beautiful. flood which you never know by stepping outside yeah no it's beautiful today absolutely beautiful isn't there like noah's ark style symbolism where it's like it was a great flood and then like the sun came out and there was a rainbow and that's like how they knew to step off the ark i'm looking at avital because she's remembers the bible yeah i was just thinking of the it's always darkest before the dawn i don't know was that i don't remember what the flood there was a rainbow yes there was a rainbow oh i think they sent out a dove and he came back with an olive branch oh i think that was the thing that's interesting in fact permission to release the

pigeon we have in the studio and see if he comes not yet oh there's a rat in his mouth uber eats is still running i did have to have that persistence there was a guy delivering grub hub in the storm so he had like water up to his uh waist like wading through the water like you saw that through a window last no god no five percent tip oh my gosh thanks oh this is pad thai i did pad see you guy waiting and fucking dog shit and rat poison. It's like, oh, can you bring it into the building? I don't want to meet you at the door. I'm in a robe.

It's wet outside. I mean, probably at that point, it's a relief to come into the building to deliver it. I guess so, yeah. But like, you have to stay there and eat it with the guy. And then he has to fall asleep in your vestibule. I imagine they open the door for him and the flood just comes into the building.

Yeah. Good Lord. Water's scary. Water's scary. Did your place flood or it survived? It survived. But I feel like there's been in the past. I don't know if I've ever had like a leak in an apartment in New York.

I guess maybe I have. But like I've never I've never been a homeowner before in New York. I guess maybe I have, but like, I've never, I've never been a homeowner before in New York city. So now it's like elements you have to deal with. It's so much. Yeah. It's so scary. We're just here.

Like the pitter patter of the rain on the roof. And I'm like, well, I'm fucked. Cause it used to be someone else's problem. And now it's yours. I'm just like on Instagram. I see the subways flooding.

I'm like, well, that's me. I saw on Vinny's Instagram I'm like well that's me. I saw on Vinny's Instagram story he was helping his neighbor there were buckets all over this apartment with like falling water. Yeah. Yeah. Very scary. Right before

the flood we saw a rat and I was like aww which makes me think I'm maybe not cut out for New York because I would be like come in. Oh no if you don't get grossed out by rats I think you are cut out for New York. Okay let's do it that's one of the cons let's move here is the rats they're cute the tails are a little gross but i still like them i'm fine with the rats what i don't like is when i like accident when i see

the smushed rat in the street i ran over one on my bike the other day it's like i couldn't swerve out of the way in time i saw it too late and i just had to go if i couldn't avoid it i actually had to steer into it to go over it direct and it flew up your wheel and landed in the hood of your zip up hoodie but you didn't smush it that's good i didn't kill it no this rat was long dead so there's plague on your bike basically and then you take it in here and you sort of attach it to the wall there's like still guts on the wheel and you like ride it up your wall yeah and then i like you know i i check the tire pressure kind of get rat guts wet get a little bit of grease on my thumb lick it off oh that tastes like rat blood which you know what that smells like it tastes like yeah um okay we are here recording an episode of if i were, so let's get down to business.

Nobody wants to hear us chit-chat about rat poison, rainwater, and sunshine. The three things that make up New York City. I like that in this scenario, rat poison is the rat. Then that's the poison. Rats are poison. So what's rat poison? It doesn't make sense. It's usually to kill rats.

Yeah, but like it would probably kill me. That's a good tweet. Cats are rat poison. It doesn't make sense. Yeah, but like it would probably kill me. That's a good tweet. Cats are rat poison. Cats are the original rat poison. Oh, nice. I was just reading this. You have my permission to tweet that. No, no, no.

It should be from you. No, I don't want to. I'll reply to it. I'm not going to break the Twitter silence for anything less than Schwimmer's ear. Yeah. Have you heard Jake's tweet that he's sitting on? Dave, what is it? Ross from Friends has Schwimmer's ear. Yeah. Have you heard Jake's tweet that he's sitting on? Dave, what is it? Ross from Friends has Schwimmer's ear. Wow.

Do you think Ross from Friends ever got Schwimmer's ear? I don't want to say that he did. I think there's something there. You just maybe need to set it up with the circumstance in which he got it. Do you think? You swam for too long. Do you think he has Schwimmer's ear? Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good.

There we go. Because he does pop up and do the squirting of water. They had a hard time getting Ross out of the fountain in the opening. Do you think he got swimmer's ear? That's good. Yeah, and then you do that with the gif where he kind of like raises his head up. Yeah. It's perfect.

Yeah. Portrait of a man with swimmer's ear. Oh, that's good. Just the gif and portrait of a man with swimmer's ear. Then's good just the gif and portrait of a man with schwimmer's ear then you don't even need the setup wow um someday okay we got a question from a 31 year old lady in canada i thought it would be good to have you help us answer we just got to give her a fake name polly pollly last name Shore nice Pauly Shore no relation

right I'm a 31 year old personal trainer from Canada I recently went on a first date with a guy that was completely normal

90 minutes of polite conversation and I was completely bored nothing wrong with the guy just totally meh I didn't genuinely laugh once at anything he said. It was just polite chatter. I'm willing to chalk this up to first date jitters or the routine of getting to know people.

But, ugh, what would you do in this situation? All my girlfriends say I should just go on a second date with him and feel him out more. All my guy friends say I should move on, which I find very interesting. What's your take? Would also love to know what avital and jill think about it should we call jill put her on speaker i could tell you what jill thinks actually because we had this conversation with a friend recently oh wow yeah and girls are is it like that girls are more likely to say give him another shot and guys are like just cut the bait he's a sociopath in this situation we both said that one of jill's friends was like i went out on a date with the guy we had a pretty good time he seemed nice i don't think i'll see him again and we're like and then she's

she's like dating and we're like well wait why what are you talking about yeah she like hates the dating app she hates going on dates she has a date with somebody she's like it was pretty nice i don't think i'll see him again like sorry so you just you just like the assholes that ghost you that's right the thrill of defeat so i think there is something to the fact that the the apps are so bad that guys are we would tend to be like oh fuck this guy on. But I feel like women who use these apps and have seen how bad they are. That neutral is almost considered. Oh, if he wasn't awful, then that's good. He cleared the low bar.

Wow, that's just about lowering your standards, basically. Yeah. Yeah, we've sunk so low. I'm of two minds about this because it definitely wasn't. You can't do that. Sorry, I tried to do it in the other direction. Was it still really loud? I know, but it was deafening.

All right, perfect. I'll use the second one to cancel out. Oh, God. A rat just came out of your mouth. Oh, that's what it was. That's the one I ran over on my bike. My first date with Amir was fine. Yeah hate and i felt like not really it wasn't like painful but it wasn't it was like this is fine it was nice it was mad i would say fine in a way

like what would excuse me i'm just joining in which is interesting because amir i know spoke to you about it jake it was like it was so great i don't know he was obsessed with you he was obsessed i was funny and i was not nervous did i tell you the story about amir letting me borrow his car have i talked about that on the podcast or i don't know it i feel like amir that was the dog walking yeah amir never ever let me drive his car due to insurance purposes i got a very specific insurance that said i needed to drive my car okay and like i would let i i don't even i know i've had insurance that i'm sure prohibited people like but i let people borrow my truck all the time um and amir never ever let me drive his car even if he was tired i'm like do you want me to drive it's like no i was high he was too fucking scared and then there was one opportunity where he had to see you which was

like walking your friend's dog at your friend's house with your dog and slash our dog and it happened like on our way home he's like oh she said i could come over like i have to go i'm going you could take my car home i was like wow he really likes her if he's gonna let me drive and you totaled it that's right i wrapped it around a tree i love that story i mean amir always makes jokes but it felt in this moment telling, he couldn't just sit in the discomfort of, like, for half a second of, like, he really liked you. He had to chime in with, like, and then you totaled it. Yeah, I can't be vulnerable on the spot for more than a second. Obviously, you wrapped a fucking car around a tree.

Otherwise, we're talking about my feelings. So in this case, I'll say, like, I feel like, yeah, I didn't warm up to you right away. And I'm glad I kept going out with you because it was like, well, maybe it'll maybe we'll find that rhythm. And we did. But I'm sorry, the rat. There's another rat in my throat. We have a friend you just met, but she set up with this girl through a mutual friend. Didn't feel like there were sparks sparks but then was like everybody was telling her like well you know this sometimes they're nervous and give it a chance and keep going and

whatever so she was she felt obligated and like ignored her own intuition went out with this girl again and I love this story because she she wasn't feeling it she felt like she had to let the girl know the girl was clearly more invested in my friend than she was in her and so she was like hey you know I feel like I would really like to be friends. I just don't think there's like a romantic spark between us. And then the other girl was like, I viscerally disagree. Ew. I'm in charge of who has feelings and we both have feelings

for each other. Yeah, exactly. So sometimes you have to listen to your gut. Right. I think it really can go either way. I don't know. And also I think I would say, yeah, give it one more shot, except knowing the gender divide. I'm like, I don't want to be, I don't want to fall on the obvious prescribed line, side of the line. But have you ever gone on a second date with someone you're like, because it was, man,

I guess me. But in addition to that, have you ever gone on a date so bad that you said no more, even second date? Oh, yeah. Because it was that bad. Oh, yeah. You've had that, but it was even worse than not laughing. Yeah, it was like a a like feeling repulsed

that's like usually a pretty good indicator don't go out with them again which was our second date she's thinking right i feel like i've there have been like times i you have like a good time on a date and still not be attracted to the person too yeah so i don't know and then attraction can develop yeah it's i guess the answer is that it's case by case. Boring. I want more details. I want to be like, what?

I mean, I've had a date where it was like, we sat down and we had a 30 minute talk and we're just like, all right, obviously not. So bye forever. Do you say on the date? Have you ever been on a date where you're like,

this is over? Like you're, the date is over. It's like, I guess we won't really see each other again. No. That would be insane. We're polite.

We're like, okay, bye. Bye. And then, like, zero communication from either party after that. I really do want to know more details. Like, I don't know. I guess it's also like. Go ahead and ask. I'll tell you.

You answer for her. How did he smell? Fine. Like, a little bit like, um, deodorant. Okay. Yeah. Slash rainwater. Speed stick.

Are you attracted to his general physique? Um, yeah, he's, he, I didn't love his haircut, uh, but he was tall and he was slender. He's definitely my body type. Yeah. Go out with him again. He smells fine. Let me try. Let me try again.

Again, this is the low bar the guy's not funny he didn't make me laugh once in an hour and a half was totally boring but he didn't smell and he had a fine haircut go out with him bad haircut but you can change the haircut also there's the risk of going out with him again is so low like okay so then you see him for another hour and a half and if it's bad it feels like that's it yeah but it's pulling teeth it's one it's one one more night you could always do something that's like a second date but not in the same circumstance like if you guys got dinner it's like well let's not do another dinner maybe that's not his fucking element or maybe that's like just it's setting you up for failure to do the exact same thing hope for for a different result. Yeah. So you say like, let's go on a hike.

Let's go on a walk. Right. You could even suggest something that takes less time so you can kind of get that second chance. Right. But more his speed. Maybe something where he's more in his element. Right. If he's a golfer, you can say, let's go golfing.

If he's a bowler, then you can say, let's bowl. Let's hit the lanes. Another example is if he likes to go to the beach, you can say, let's hit the lanes. Another example is if he likes to go to the beach, you can say, let's go to the beach. You could also do something like go to one of those like barcade type things. That's cool. If he likes video games. So, but then there's like an external activity.

I mean, bowling is also really great because there's something else going on. You don't have to just like make conversation. You can have fun anyway. Or you take him somewhere he hates because then you see how he responds under pressure and then it's less likely to be boring you'll at least get to like sort of see i realized there are a bunch of other people where it was like neutral and fine and i just didn't go out with him again and i think the reason i went out and so i don't know what the circumstances again with this guy if she knows

anything about him but i think part of why i went out with you again was there were other people that we knew who are like that guy's so funny like jake nordwood was like i think amir's so funny and it was like a full court press of people amir orchestrated a lot of that trying to get people to reach out to you and lie to you about how funny i was as it were you should listen to his podcast it'll open up a lot of things we should say that you didn't want to go out with me at first because you saw a video of ours and you're like this guy's so annoying he's very convincing wow yeah you're a character the america character what were you about to say oh that uh jake nordman was at our house that day and you took his phone

mm-hmm do you remember what video you saw it was i don't remember i remember rosa salazar brought up a mirror and we pulled it up and so and we were like somewhere sort of loud so i could kind of just hear your laugh and like you maybe pointing at jake or like you know just being your sort of character i don't know what video was i wish i i wish i did i was probably hot because it was like when i was 23. And that's when I peaked. Your worst haircut. You actually bottomed at 23. I feel like Amir gets hotter every year.

So I kind of bought it high. Thank you. Thank you. I needed to hear that, especially after the first date situation. He's peaking. Well, he looked really young. So it took like a beard and some grays for me to be like, oh, this is an adult man. Right.

Yeah. What about shaving the beard? What about shaving the beard? What about shaving the beard? Would you ever? I would not like it, but I would, I guess, try it on a dare slash whim. I want the mustache back. I can't wait. All right.

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

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And we're back. Hey, Avital, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. That's right. It's an incestuous riff slash part of the show baked into the DNA, the fabric of our pod. Do you have any unsolicited advice?

Going off of where we left off, I'd say get yourself in a mirror by sort of trending pod, do you have any unsolicited advice? Going off of where we left off, I'd say get yourself in a mirror by sort of trending up sort of low, you know, as you're going gray, as the beard's coming in, or when Jake and I were cosplaying, role playing. We cosplayed. For anybody listening at home, I've

dressed up like a guy. And I dressed up like the girl, because I know how Polly Shore looks, and I dress just like the girl because I know how Polly Shore looks. And I dress just like her. Biodome. Pollyanna Shore. So you're saying when you go out with someone, see if it's almost like you're examining a fixer-upper. Like, ooh, let's see what he would.

Imagine him wearing a different shirt. Imagine him with better hair. Imagine him with grayer beards. And then see if you can look into the future. The grayer beard, that's just an Avital fucking preference, I think. Yeah, whatever your preference is. I feel like for the norm, it's not like, wow, this guy would be so hot if he had a gray

beard. It's not so much the gray beard as it is the beard and going gray in his hair. Yeah, no, the salt and pepper. You're aging gracefully. Yeah, it looks good on you. What are you doing later? You're making me blush. Doesn't every man get grayer?

So you can say, yeah, everybody, every dude is going to be hotter as they get older. Fine, this is bad unsolicited advice. Is that what you want me to say? Or is there another example beyond just the grayness of it? Start dating someone who's aging. If you can find someone who's gonna get old lock that in me in 10 years yeah but then at a certain point we get old on the other side of the hill you know not all guys just get yeah or date them really old they're about to expire they have a lot of money and a nicole smith style yeah yeah then they're already gray that's smart it's not just their grayness it's their anus i always say that makes sense

yeah so what about the grayness in their anus that's really good because like your asshole hair is going exactly no fucking chance no way exactly you got it uh okay that's pretty good no it was really bad. What's your unsolicited advice? My unsolicited advice I did yesterday, seemingly by accident, but I feel like I could turn it, spin it into something that you can live your life by. When ordering at a restaurant, don't ever get a substitution. And I'll tell you what I did. We got a breakfast sandwich yesterday, or I did.

And there were onions and peppers on it. Usually I would say no onions and peppers but like you were ordering it. So I'm just like, ah, whatever, I'll get it with it. And then I ate it as they intended. I'm like, this isn't that bad. I would not get it with it but if it's already built into the sandwich,

don't get a substitution. Expand your palate. See if you, because so often you're like, I don't like this, I don't like this, I don't get a substitution expand your palate see if you because so often you're like i don't like this i don't like this i don't like this and then 20 years go by and you're like i guess i don't really know what this tastes like you said this isn't that bad as opposed to this is good yes but maybe if i kept eating it and it's always a little annoying to have to replace shit like every time you go to this place i'm gonna say no peppers no peppers that actually it's happened to me with burgers.

I used to always say no pickles. And then at a certain point, I kind of forgot. And then I'm just like, I don't care if they're there. I can pick them off. And now I stopped picking them off. Do you actively seek them out? I don't seek them out. But it's like now I can taste what a pickle is meant to do on a burger.

And I feel like it's given me a greater appreciation for food. But the other thing that I would build off of yours by saying, um, if you, if you want to do a substitution, so say that, that sandwich, you didn't want the peppers.

Yeah. Um, you order it as is, they give it to you. You say, Oh, I didn't want this with peppers. You don't even say,

I said, no peppers. You just say, I didn't want this with peppers. You don't even say, I said no peppers. You just say, I didn't want this with peppers. And they will make you a new one. And, or they'll offer to make you a new one. You say, no, no, no, it's fine. And then they comp it. They don't comp it.

They wouldn't. They'd comp it. They'll comp it. They'll comp the second one, maybe. Maybe they'll comp the second one. Maybe they don't throw the first one away. and you can only do that once per place because you they would see in new york city there's a million fucking places that i can go to my superpower is free food i don't know if we've ever talked about this interesting and i've already had it

happen in la in front of a group of people who can vouch how do you do it it happened in new york as well a couple days ago it just happened oh wait did i say la yeah i meant here it wait, did I say LA? Yeah, I meant here. It just happened two nights ago? Yeah. And it happens all the time. I think I just get so excited about food that people are like, here you go. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's good.

This time it was also that we had a cool – well, I went – there's a place in LA, yes, right before I left. I was like, I've never been in here, which – and I hadn't. I was like, which drink do you like better? I wish I could have one for free. I didn't.'t i didn't i don't know where my wallet it's usually cookies and desserts yeah and this girl that worked there her name's ellie i asked after she gave me the free cookie because it was so nice she gave me my drink and then she's like and here on the house and it was a cookie and it was so good and i was like is this because it's my first time in and she said yeah and because you're so nice and it felt so good and

then we went out to eat in our server we were trying to figure out where in new york where he was from um russia his name's ivan but he like spoke some hebrew and russian and portuguese and english he spoke like five languages so we said like thank you in hebrew and then he tried to clear my plate a few times and i was like i don don't think so. I'm still working on that because I like food. And then he just brought out a little thing of dessert package for me and was like, here you go. I don't know. Right in front of me for free.

Yeah, I think just because I get so excited about the food. Don't you dare clear my fucking plate. I'm still working on it. I can get free dessert by just saying that something with the dinner was wrong. Wrong. The peppers thing. That's not the spirit of what I said.

You say, like, I think the steak was undercooked. You say, I think I'm feeling sick. Taking advantage of people's kindness. I am saying expand your palate slash horizon. And then I was just trying to brag about getting free food under the guise of it being advice. And I'm merging those two ideas. Oh, you're taking a hard left. With expanding your palate.

Sometimes I'll do a grub hub for a pizza on an expired credit card. And when they arrive, they're like, actually the card expires, but I have this, but you have to pay for it. It'll come out of my salary. And I'll take the pie and I'll say,

can I get you back right this second? I'm just got to go inside and i'll give you cash for it you lock the door and then pretend to fall asleep so they have to just eventually leave you get the free pizza they know they can just take it which is another good option is you sign up to be like a delivery driver and then you just house oh yeah yeah who says no like you would get fired maybe after one or two but there's so many different apps yeah you bounce around i'll do a grub hub here a seamless there eat 24 caviar door dash uber eats wow that's impressive just rattling them off i fucking know them all because i have them all and I work at the mall.

Okay, let's try to answer another question. We'll try. This is a 20-year-old man from Virginia. Nice. Got a name for us? I immediately thought of Paul Shore, but maybe we switch it up. It's a guy's name, so we'll go with Paul Shore. Not to be confused with Polly Shore, which is the female name of a guy.

Of course. Paulson Shore. Paulson Shore writes, I'm a 20-year-old man from Virginia, and I have a bit of a dilemma. I thought I might as well come to you guys for advice. I recently went out with a girl that I'm really interested in. We hit it off fairly quickly, and I genuinely felt like things were going well between us. This is the guy from the previous date, but his angle of it. We ended up making out in her truck at the end of the night,

which for two Mormons is basically the equivalent of hooking up. After that, I thought things would continue moving forward, but the strangest thing just happened. She called me up two days later to get my advice on how to ask out another guy. Whoa. Am I wrong for thinking this is weird? I mean, I wasn't under the impression that we were dating now but i definitely thought we were past the can i get advice on other guys phase of our relationship should i continue to pursue this girl or should i just accept that she's not

really interested thanks in advance sincerely paul that's wild that is we what was the opening that they were friends first they went on a date they went on a date went on a date and made out that is so odd so to answer the first question we think it's odd we agree with with paul here yeah maybe she's like being like uh a little defensive and like i'm gonna just pretend like it was no big deal in fact can you help me get on a dating app or help me hook up with guys and then it's like that way I can't get my heart broken because it's like so casual and I'm beating into the punch or she just didn't like him at the end of the date and this is her weird way of letting him know but then she wouldn't ask her his advice or she likes

him a lot and this is her way of fucking getting him jealous yeah it seems like one like either hard left or hard right like did you wait two days to call her or something and she's like okay he doesn't like me i'm gonna talk about somebody else or it's like i don't know how to let him know that i don't like him and then her friends like ask ask for advice about a different guy and then he'll get the hint so it's like definitely she really likes you or she really doesn't like yeah i think this is weird he's like what did he say. Like, yeah, I think this is weird. He's like, what do you say? Am I the only one that thinks this is weird? Am I weird for thinking?

You're not weird for thinking this. It is weird. But I don't think it's a cut and run situation. Because she might be trying to get him excited or interested. I think this is a see it through. I think this is a like, maybe she is genuinely asking about another guy. Maybe she's like who knows we've pontificated on her reasons for doing this um but if you still like her then i think it's at least

worth pursuing it and not giving her advice on how to date someone else yeah are you do you say like i don't want to get it i don't want to give you advice because i'm interested in you or do you like well i like it when chicks don't ask me for advice. So I would start there. Yeah, I feel like it's always easy to say on the outside, but it seems like a situation where you could just be like, hey, just wondering what's going on here because we made out and I thought it was good.

And you're asking about other guys. So do you only want to be friends? But also like they don't have an existing friendship. So that's weird. Is it weird to be so? But also, they don't have an existing friendship, so that's weird. Is it weird to be so honest? Does that ruin the game? I would say, here's how I would ask. Do you want to go to a movie this Friday?

Speaking of, do you want to go to a movie this Friday? Classic. That's good. Something along those lines. And she's like, that's perfect. I'll go to a movie with him. Hey, just an update. We're making out.

I think I'm going to do the asking him thing. Sneak preview. Nice. Show up and walk by me. I'm the guy. Directness is a really great move, though. I mean, I don't know, because people do play games. But I was talking to Amir about a friend now who's married and has a kid.

And great. Happy. Good person. He deserves it. And we went out a few times and then he was like hey i like you and i don't know where you're at i agree that directness is good but there's a time and i think it's later it's after at least two or three dates like one day make out in a truck and then go straight to what's going on? Well, but it's all in how you ask it, right?

What the fuck is going on? A voice memo? What happened to us? I thought we kissed. But you're right, because you could try to ask it all casually and you come out sounding like that. Especially if you're nervous. Especially over text. I think it's really, I don't know. It's so hard.

But I think. Yeah, that joke move is good. I would like it for this. Also, do you want to do this something like that or yeah who fucking knows but I think I agree with directness but I feel like there's like um there's some kind of like x-axis you know for how how long you should wait before right so like there's a way to playfully bring up the fact that you're still into it without saying what what are we, babe?

Let's define our relationship. And also not being completely like, I like to say that when you're asking a guy out to make a time and place. Why didn't you do that with me, though? Okay. Let's take another Brock. That's how I say break now. I'd like a follow up pop on this. Yeah.

See what happened. How often does that happen I'd like a follow-up pup on this, frankly. Yeah. Let's see what happened. How often does that happen that you get a follow-up? Very rarely. It also could happen a lot and we just don't check. That's true, too. But this one is a new question. During the break, write follow-up pup in our email, in our Gmail, and see if we have one.

But we'll be right back. Yes, we will be right back. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Avital, do you have any unsolicited advice? No, just joking. That was just the act two. Could you imagine if I just threw you that right now again? Did you look at our email to see if we had any follow-up pups from that person? No, just in general. I want to know if someone followed up pup. Like from previous questions? What's that about? I don't know why I said it. You just like to say it? Okay, I like it. It's some holdover from when we said we should do follow-ups. That's what we would call it. Oh yeah, I think we said call it follow-up pup so we can search for it.

I see. Which is what we're doing now. Yes, there are a few. And I don't remember... Are any of them unread? Yeah, most of them. Wow. Yeah.

Well, see, there we go. Let's fucking... Let's see one. Let's listen to one. Yeah. Yeah. But now I don't even remember what the original question was. All right.

We got another question about asking out a bartender so we need a guy who goes to a bar's name imagine a guy that bar raffaelli nice bar rights there's a bartender at my favorite bar that i'm digging we seem to flirt a good amount while i'm there but i'm also hyper aware that she could probably is just doing her job is it ever a good amount while i'm there but i'm also hyper aware that she could probably is just doing her job is it ever a good idea to ask out a bartender what could be a good way to ask her out without ruining my favorite bar if she says no yeah that's tough i think you leave a note on a receipt and then if she doesn't call you never address it interesting does that not ruin the bar because you you set the bar pretty low, but if she didn't respond, then is the bar barred?

Well, you're just going like, hey, I think you're cute. If you think I'm cute, tick this box. No, just like, here's my number. And then if she doesn't call, she doesn't have to like directly reject you. And you just can keep going there. I think that's fine.'s tough it's a thin line between somebody who's being nice to you for their job and somebody who's just being nice to you for real i agree but that's strippers and i don't think the line i don't think the line is

that thin i think it's very thick on the just being nice to you because it's their job side but there are some bars there are some bartenders that are not necessarily that pleasant. Yeah, I agree. But I think that it's, it's more likely than not that this is like, well, I guess like watch how she is with other customers,

but also like, I don't know. You could just be a friendly bartender. Right. Like your tips are sort of dependent on being nice to people but that also you're still a human who has crushes on people totally and that might be this person and i've known people that were bartenders that liked their patrons before yeah i've i've seen that and i had friends that uh dated bartenders that they met at the bar right but i still think

it's just if you like the bar it will ruin the bar you can't come back well you have to make make your move knowing that if you don't get the response you basically can't drink there again I don't know that that's true because there was somebody that I thought was cute I don't remember I wish I could remember how he went about it. He went out on a date. He also went out on a date with somebody else that worked at the same restaurant. And he still kept going in. Wow. And it was fine.

He dated you and a co-worker? I wouldn't say he dated either of us, but went out with each of us once. Oh, my God. Interesting. So that's different than we went out on a date. There was a mutual attraction. There was like, you got you didn't say no, he wasn't rebuffed. Right.

I think there's something to being rejected. But well, it also though, it does depend if you leave the note, or if you ask her out, it depends how she rejects you. I think that so what I'm responding to more is if you write a note and she never calls you or talks to you i don't think i could go in there and have a normal life i think if i was like hey we should get a drink sometime you know not at this bar whatever and she's like oh i'm like not i think you're ugly then just a cider then did you guys ever get the pair if like if you get a nice rejection that's like i have a maybe like i have a boyfriend or something she just doesn't address it you don't

maybe she's in a relationship maybe she's gay maybe maybe she doesn't like you but either way you just continue if she's in a relationship or gay great you guys can continue on as normal. But can't you just pretend? If she just is like, I don't like you, then I think you have to find a new bar. You can't drink whiskey from her anymore is what you're saying. But why? Because you could be like, I think this person's cute.

She's not into me. I still like this bar. That's a very healthy attitude. Yeah. Thank you. I wouldn't be able to like the bar. Because the whole bar thinks I'm an asshole. It would reek of rejection.

Come get a drink at Rejection Bar, where the waitresses all reject you. The one tricky part about leaving a note, I guess, is it's possible she misses it somehow. Yeah. And then in your head, yeah. That's where you can justify when she doesn't respond. I just feel like if you're having good conversation, good banter, you're really getting along with someone, you ruin it by, then you'll never know if she saw it or not.

I mean, you could preface it with no pressure. I know that this is your job, but would you like to go out sometime? Yeah. I'm, I'm more for asking direct than the note. Okay.

Cause the notes to Craven, when you're a friend of hers, when you guys are like friends, when you're like, there's something dangerous about, maybe you get are like friends but there's something dangerous about maybe you get a number because there's something dangerous about asking her out when she's at her job because she's like on the spot

plus working so it's like I have to deal with you now and then also I'll tell you what I would do is whether or not I like the person I would be like sure because if I like them then yeah I want you to have my number and if I don't I just feel weird and freeze up and go sure and then just don't ever I just feel weird and freeze up and go, sure. And then just don't ever like take you up on plans to hang out.

It's so weird. Have you done that before? Yeah. Were you working? Was it like a hostess waitress situation where a guy asked you out? Well, I think, well, there were a couple of times where people gave me their number. And I just never. On a receipt?

Right. On like a piece of paper. I just never called. That's better than ask. Like if you are friends with the bartender and you ask her for her number and i just never right on like a piece of paper i just never called that's better than ask like if you are your friends with the bartender and you ask her for your for her number that puts somebody on the spot too much right i think you say can i give you my number in case you ever want to do anything that's that's like a that's like even if she's it's not making her be like you know divulge personal information that you could then fucking right get in touch

with her it's, take my number. She can say yes and just throw it away. Yeah. Am I wrong in thinking that you guys are taking questions a lot more seriously than you used to? I feel like it was only joke answers and we've been really honoring these questions. Oh,

really? I think I've always answered the questions. Perfect. I feel like I'm going to be like, you fart. And then if she farts in your face that's really good actually wait can we actually talk let me take that graynesses that's true let's pretend like you didn't i'll cut that part out so when you fart imagine then she farts back and that's how you know she likes

you know if you fart out and it farts back it's yours that. That's how you know. And now people know they're listening to our podcast. Time's just moving on and on and on. Should we all be gone? These are good, guys. Thank you. I know a lot of Blink-182 lyrics. I like how considered this is, though. This is a pretty woke response where you're like,

I don't want to make her uncomfortable on the job. I like what you guys are doing. We turn it on for the show. You should hear us fucking railing into these fucking losers. And I will cut this part out. But off mic, I'll be like, I'll say the P word. I'll call this guy a pussy off mic. Jesus.

I swear. I don't really care about that kind of shit. But when we're talking amongst. And you're going to edit this out? I'll just cut this whole part out. But when we talk about it, it's important to be like, let's make sure that everyone's comfortable and shit like that. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I see.

No, wait, that's, now I'm singing an actual Louis Armstrong. Okay, what about Tom DeLonge singing It's a Wonderful Life? Let's hear it. I thought we already did that. No, no, we did it the other way around. Oh, that's right. That's right. I see clouds of blue, red roses chill. i can definitely hear a punk remix of that song

maybe not by blink but it exists yeah i think it does it's like the mrs robinson one there's so many fucking i was so into punk covers when i first got like kazaa yeah holy shit you can hear the song you like as a punk that's the best thing just like any new any like song i would just be like what's the punk cover of that what was your other favorite i i like the uh glory of love because i am the man who will fight for your honor there's a newfound Glory never-ending story. Never-ending story! I feel like I've heard that one. That was a good one.

I like sad covers. Like, so the song is happy, but then the cover instead of punk is like a sad version. There's like a sad version of Hit Me Baby One More Time. Really? Oh yeah, I like the moody covers too. That's nice. Like Iron and Wine. Yeah. Although, there was that Iron and Wine. I love Iron and Wine yeah although there was that iron and wine i love

iron and wine but there there was a death cab cover that people loved and i was like i don't know i feel like you could just have the death cab version yeah oh yeah the the one that was in garden garden state yeah i mean i guess it is good i love iron and wine yeah at the time i was just like the original is good don't fuck with it yeah yeah i mean death cab is basically already there yeah like they just slowed it down a little bit yeah exactly it's like not a huge shift yeah there's a blink 182 cover band in new york tonight is there i was trying to convince amir to go because you're gonna be at that bachelorette party i'm like that sounds fun i know well like that cover band that we the we went to New Haven?

Remember? Like after a show that was a famous, was it Sublime? Oh, yeah. It was Bad Fish. Yeah. Oh, fun. So it's like a famous cover band for Sublime, right? Yeah.

We actually saw them once. This was like, we used to always go when I was like in high school and college, we'd go to the Bad Fish show at Toad's Place. So they're famous for being in New and but then when we were in nantucket one year they were just like happened to be playing there too so jill and i went um with like some of her friends and she got wasted and was just like yelling for them to play santeria like santeria for such a long time yeah and like at one point she's like standing in the corner oh my god yelling santeria and then like they came off stage for a break and jill talked to the bassist and he was like we have to save that song for last, otherwise people will leave.

She's like, I know. That's why I want you to play it so I can go home. They heard her. They heard her every time. And they know in their hearts. They couldn't do it. Not yet. Not yet. We have to play the wrong way eight times and then Santeria.

There's a lot of sublime hits. The titular line. The Santeria thing. Tell tell me are you a bad fish too is that from santeria no i can't remember oh no that's not from santeria i don't think tell me you're a bad fish too won't somebody get me off of this that's the song yeah tell me are you a bad fish oh so they're they're named after a lyric in a sublime. Of course they are. What else would it be? They'd have to be.

That's why I wouldn't fit into that concert. Something that Sublime did that I think is wrong, frankly, just wrong, is usually you're high listening to them. Yeah. And then at least one of their songs has sirens in it. And I remember being stoned driving around in Miami and being like, I'm getting pulled over. The riot one.

Mucho gusto. Riots on the streets of Miami. Oh, riots on the streets of Long Beach. Because I would be in Miami driving. He's obsessed with riots. Yeah. You can't put fucking sirens on a stoner album. It's great.

Yeah, it's true. It's really scary. All right. Sweet. Avital, what do you have to promote, plug, push, or punish? Can you believe it? We're done. It's been almost an hour.

Time flies when you're enjoying. I've got more questions to answer. You should tell her you love her. Well, fart on her. I'm farting this. Fart in her direction. Next question. Buy her a baguette.

Next question. No sirens. These are next answers. We haven't asked anything else. You're just giving different suggestions for this one question. Nope. I'm imagining other questions. Well, you can save it for the Jill and Avital spinoff podcast.

Yeah. Once we're done with this show, you guys can do like. Santeria. Santeria. That's a good impression. It would be fun to get all four of us, but she's busy. She's doing cool things. She has an actual job, unfortunately.

Mrs. Jake Hurwitz is too cool for us. That's cool that she took your first and last name. I never congratulated you on that. Does she have your name? Yeah, she goes by Mrs. Jacob. Jillian Jacobs now. Isn't that an actor? Jillian Jacobs?

Yeah. Jillian Jacobs. Also, I don't know if i'm here told you this it's probably not that exciting but i thought it was cool and we were put together you guys are the jays we're the a's but we're in our birthdays are in the j months and your birthdays are in the a months oh interesting that's right july january for us and uh april august for you guys that's very interesting. I did a lot of like kind of interesting sketches too. Did you show them the canvas paintings that I've been doing? This is a beautiful painting.

Chalk on blood. It's actually Jake is an NFT so there's this one with a tie around his head or this one where he's pink or this one where he has a bone in his mouth. That's a good Jake color way. Very good. That's a rare Jake colorway. Very good. That's a rare trait.

Whoa, jinx. Mind melds. Jinx. Jinx. That's when you say the same thing as Jake. I still ask people to check out antisocial distance because it took up a lot of time. And then can I say fun things and then you just beep them?

Because then that's fun for me. Sure. Because I don't know if I'm allowed to say these things yet, but I'm supposed to be in a... There's a beep that goes there. Tight. And then I'm going to be in... Beep that out. Yeah.

And I feel like there's something else. Certainly, I'm doing other cool things, right? You have to. I mean, those are three great things. Thank you. I only said two. Oh, no. Antisocial.

You're right. Thank you. I'm said two oh no antisocial you're right thank you I'm gonna bleep antisocial distancing bleep it all just so it's consistent and then I have a show tonight that got cancelled

because of the rain that's right so do that so come to that show in a different dimension well this is Thursday yeah if you can travel back

in time to Thursday and uncancel Abital's show you can see that thank you thanks so much you guys begged me to have me back on and it was really a pain in my ass.

And no, I did well. I think you were suffering through it. Yeah. People will really, really, really appreciate your time and patronage on the show. Oh my gosh.

Yeah. No, I really wanted to, I begged to come back. Thanks for having me back. The audience, the audience begged more than anybody. We all,

we all read the comments, people. Okay. So thanks for listening. We'll be back next Monday, maybe Thursday. Yeah, there's a bonus Thursday this week. Yeah.

And you can watch more of our stuff on Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. Ja! Avital is actually in a Jake and Amir rewatch episode. That's true. Watch us. Watch us.

Jill's in an episode of that. That's true. Yes, correct. My speech at Jake's wedding is on there that's correct whoa lots of hundreds and hundreds of videos on patreon.com slash ja it's the beginning of the month it's the best time to get into it correct so get into it yes and we'll see you soon enough oh my god another rap i'm this. Oh wait, the closing theme song. The opening one was written by Lorne. Right.

And this closing one is written by Tim. Nice memory. Thank you. Tim, song, tune, badger. What is it? If I were you. Tell me are you a badger too. It's a badger.

I wish. This is one almond. Let's see. It's a one almond themed. Nice. This is one almond. Let's see. It's a one almond themed. Nice. At least that's what it's called in my... It's been a long year. All right.

Yes. Timothy Standifer. Timmy again with another original theme song submission. And yes, the cue is still silent. I'm proud of this one the beat the lyrics production and vocals were done by me if you want you can shout out my music which is under my artist named timmy and there's a q in there so t-i-q-m-m-y because the q is silent because he's trying to silence q and this is what i was telling you guys about you can't silence Q I need to get out of this room

because he's not a non we're not supposed to talk politics alright thank you Timmy thanks to you guys for listening thanks to Avital for coming on the show I didn't say the website before so I'm squeezing it in now smart antisocialdistance.com we'll see you soon bye

it's good to be the king you shouldn't be doing that you should not be doing that. Relax, dude. It's not a joint. Besides, I can afford it. No, I mean like it's illegal to smoke in buildings in New York City. Shit, really?

God damn it. Fuck. I cannot afford that. Not today. I don't want to get in trouble. Why do you have one of those? Huh? Why do you have that?

Now that I'm a rich bitch, I can pretty much buy whatever I want. And one of the things you wanted was a tiny little folding fence? Yeah. How are you rich? Great question. Never mind. How many almonds would you say is the perfect amount? I said never mind.

Honest, I work you. Honest, I work you. Honest, I work you. Honest, I work you. Honest, I work you. Honest, I work you. Yeah. Honest, I work you.

Honest, I work you. Okay. If I were you, honest, I were you Yeah Honest, I were you, honest, I were you Okay If I were you, you'd listen right here A podcast from HeadGum by Jake and Amir We got golden mics, we got turdies too Clearly this has to be If I Were You You send in your questions, they answer them quick They'll even go dickless for the Michael Chick

They may not be qualified to do this job But I guess it's working so don't be a snob I might fuck around, move into Raven's nest probably listen to some nap pods queue up that shit next maybe grab some lunch with Serge see what he's up to but on my way down to the strip I'm listening to If I Were You and how can we forget that they got their old IP back making videos, they're clearly back on track. I'd love to see a cameo from Emily or Murph. Maybe Pat and Rosie could come tread on some old turf.

Regardless of what they do, they won't fuck it up. Cause if they do, they will be hubering from us. What is it about one almond that's just... Perfect. Nothing. It's bad. Don't you see? It's bad. Okay?

Because it's more than just a domain name. I'm building an empire. Well, right now the website's just a photo of you holding a single? It's bad. Okay. Because it's more than just a domain name. I'm building an empire. Well, right now the website is just a photo of you holding a single walnut. Almond. No, it's not. That was a Hiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them.

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