Segments - 505: Bad Haircut

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

In this episode we discuss teaching math, housewarming gifts, and Amir's trip to New York City. Check out our sponsor MyBookieSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Yeah, how you feeling tonight?

I am not feeling good. Jake and I start recording. Instantly, a bag of shit. I just won a turdy, so I'm feeling like a bag of shit. Go to make a comment and my tongue is stuck. OMG, guess I really suck. Jake says, Amir, you're such a fucking useless fuck. Are you feeling what I'm feeling?

I haven't had a golden mic in eight damn years. Staring at this turdy and wishing all this hurting would turn to cheers. But it all ends in tears. I'm not really feeling like going to clubs. Tell us how you feel. Well, I feel like turds. Oh, yeah. Feeling like a massive crappy sack of turds. Oh, yeah. Big ol' motherfuckin' duffel bag like turds. Oh, yeah. Feeling like a massive crappy sack of turds. Oh, yeah.

Big ol' motherfuckin' duffel bag of turds. Oh, yeah. All day, all turds. I'm not really feeling like going to clubs. Tell us how you're feeling. I'm feeling like turds. Ladies, do you feel like turds? Tell me, do you feel like turds?

Oh, yeah. Fellas, do you feel like turds? Tell me, do you feel like turds? Oh, yeah. Ladies, do you feel like turds? Tell me, do you feel like turds tell me do you feel like turds oh yeah ladies do you feel like turds tell me do you feel like turds oh yeah fellas do you feel like turds tell me do you feel like turds tell me do you feel like turds yeah you danced during the do you feel like turds part uh that was a parody of bo burnham's shit love it it. Love it. What a show. What a song. Called Turds, about our turdy awards. The ones that I sometimes receive and you sometimes receive.

I don't know if I've ever gotten one. Maybe I gave myself one once. Yeah, but by Tony, Tony, Tony. Big fan, but newish fan. I've only discovered you a few months ago. Whoa. Yeah, I didn't. That's rare yeah i didn't that's rare i didn't really know that that existed did you yeah that's great so he's just like a fan of our podcast

recently i didn't it's wild i never really thought about that making it feels like from the beginning we've we've had an aversion to making new fans. Early on, I said no new friends. Yeah, I've only thought about sort of keeping the fans that we made in 2006 sort of engaged and interested. I never realized that we could, in theory, be actually tapping into new fandom as a way of growing traffic and interest. It seems rare. it definitely seems rare so we'd

have to like do publicity promo marketing and sort of reach comedy fan like i don't know how it works really i feel like we'd have to change our sense of humor because i feel like we appeal to like a niche crowd yeah so we'd have to find like broader appeal yeah you know and i don't want to do that either like we're not letting work i mean i can't believe somebody started listening a few months ago and and dove in on the golden mic bit which i think has been for years that didn't alienate i guess i should tony right away we should ask this guy how he how he discovered our podcast and if he even knows we made videos right that'd be cool uh he says you can refer to him as dj tone mccone that would be awesome love it uh much love from salem mass nice i love salem old salem they call

it p.s if you aren't watching ted lasso you really should that's my unsolicited advice okay i've actually um not enjoyed the second season as much as the first let me be the first person to say that wow you're really going on record as saying that bomb drop uh you know the season's not over yet i think there have been some good episodes some bad you more will never work in hollyweird ever again after that leaks. That's basically your death sentence. Leaks. What are you talking about? Leaks.

I'm going to put that in the show and everyone will. I said it in the show. I said it on the show. This isn't gotcha journalism. That's my fucking public opinion. Okay. Okay. All right. And by the way, I love love this season i think this season's great i would love an opportunity to write for season three is all

that's all um all right i'm back in los angeles after visiting you in new york city what do you think uh beautiful this time of year it was only one hurricane while you were here that feels that's pretty it was a tale of two trips i was there for like eight days it was like four days before the storm four days after the storm and then after the storm was just bright sunny dry perfect california weather in the new york environment best of both worlds it's really it's really something new york's good for, yeah, like three weeks out of the year. It's perfect. It's absolutely stunning.

Is it back to the raining mode yet? I mean, yesterday was also really perfect. It's a little dreary today. It's raining, but tomorrow, 75 and sunny. Yesterday, I went on a bike ride, 75 and sunny. Great. Oh, wow. Good time.

So I guess if I came back, it'd have to be like September, October, April, May. Yeah, those are the times. Those are definitely the times, yeah. And you're recording in the room I stayed in. Yes, I'm recording in Amir's room. That's what we call it now, my wife and I. Did you notice that I left you a little trophy underneath the couch that you're sitting on? Yeah, I smelled it when you, I think you did it early on in your day.

I shouldn't have done it at night one, that's true. But yeah, I left you a little turdy. You left a little turdy. I gave you the turdy. The problem is I fucking, you know how I sleepwalk and stuff, right? Yeah. So I ended up thinking it was a bonbon no that doesn't sound like you sleepwalked then that's that sounds like you you i sleep ate shit

you have to i think it's a bonbon to think it's a bonbon that almost signals that you woke up became aware you saw the shit and you misconstrued it. Shake your bonbon, shake your bonbon. You ate poop. I ate my own shit. Yeah. Will Steven style. Thank you.

Yeah, a lot of highlights. We shot some episodes. We hung out. We made some TikToks. We really generated a lot of content. We really generated a lot of content. We really did. We recorded a podcast of some variety every single day. We shot three Jake and Amir videos. We made TikTok videos.

We did an Instagram live. We were back to our old ways. We were back to our old form, I think. For a week, Corona didn't happen. We were back to our old ways. We were back to our old form, I think. For a week, Corona didn't happen. We were prolific. You have to move here, man. What are you talking about? I did move there.

I moved there for 10 years. Then we both left and went back. Yeah. And I moved to LA for five. And now I'm back. Right. It feels fair to expect you to spend five years in New York City. You left.

You left L.A. You left New York. What are you talking about? It doesn't matter about who leaves. It's about who comes back, who returns, you know? Me in 10 years. It's not about who leaves. It's about who returns and how he got there.

You know what I'm saying? I will. I'll do this. Let's choose a new city. Then we both have to suffer a little bit. Fine. New Haven. It's so close to New York.

It's worse than New York because it's further north and it's not even the city. Same weather, too. It's a great city. Philadelphia. Still close. Too close to new york i'm talking about like some place in between some place in the mountain or central time zone i don't i will go to boston but i don't want that's not it that's not i want to i think it's important that we're on the northeast coast i want to be an easy train ride to the city of course yeah and i'm saying that if we're gonna do this if we're gonna both sacrifice equally it should be like

we're moving to fucking dallas or something why do we both have to sacrifice equally why couldn't you sacrifice more that's that's what i'm saying it's unfair if i sacrifice more. Unfair to who? To you. You, maybe. No, not to me. Yeah, to me. Unfair to me if I sacrifice more. I think it's the lesser of two evils to do something that's only unfair

to one of us instead of to both, don't you think? I want to do half unfair for both of us. Half unfair. I'll move to... Does it have to it could be closer to the it could be chicago or something

i'm saying i mean i would do melbourne so like we could live in australia that would be cool that's cool all right i'll do that really now we can make shit again yeah without having to fucking zoom it up would you spend a year in australia with me yeah probably i have no obligations anywhere it's kind of sick as long as i can airbnb my house and sort of make a profit it really has to be a money-making opportunity for me to consider it a business expense yes a business expense and an entrepreneurial spirit has to imbue the entire affair in order for me to make cash in a way that year. I fucking love it. You won't do it.

You won't do it. Put your house on Airbnb. Put your house on Airbnb. If you get a bite. A bite for one weekend. Then we start looking. No, well, yeah, you have to get. No, you show when it's all available.

You start seeing that it's a profit, that there's, you know, that's a money maker. Cash flow positive, they say. It's a cash cow. It's a cash cow, and I'm going to moo cow moo all the way to Melbourne, Australia. Then we go and spend a year in Melbourne, and we make videos. Who says no? Who says go? I guess Jill would be against it because she has like a job in new york and she wouldn't see you for a year well she would come she'd oh i see

that's cool um but yeah i didn't realize she was that mobile yeah no she's not um she would um i well i would you know the like fair to who thing I would have that conversation with her. Yeah. Basically beg, borrow and steal her heart to get her to move to Melbourne. Um, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out on the day. Yeah.

Yeah. You just moved into a new place in New York. You're already considering just packing up and moving 30,000 miles away. Because I bet I could Airbnb this spot for a fucking pretty penny. That's what I'm saying. Like, if we just never lived anywhere

and only Airbnb'd... We would make money and have a house. Yes, exactly. That's what it would be. We would make money and be not with a house. So, all the cash, but then but then also like we're camping or something something affordable something fun cheap and affordable yeah um all right uh so that was to dj tone mccone and this is us uh if i were you the only advice pod on the web hosted by me and josh i'm hi i'm

josh i got a real quickie a real quickie to get us started nice love that it's kind of a long email but the question is fairly straightforward so why don't we just give this guy a real quick name? What's the shortest name you can think of? Bo. Bo writes, he's basically been jerking it to his friend's photos, if that makes sense. He's a gay dude who's jerking it to a picture of a straight guy friend that he's kind of close with. Should I feel guilty about this is there a mortal line he asked that i've crossed here by using photos that aren't posted publicly i think the question sort of begs the answer as it were should i feel guilty he already does he does feel guilty that's why he's emailing us and asking for the advice. Interesting. So he's hoping for, he wants us to clear his conscience.

He wants absolution, which I will not give. I don't, it's not illegal. You know, you can go anywhere in your brain, in your mind. I think that it's uncouth. It's something that you wouldn't want your friends to know. No, but at the same time, they'll have no way of finding out. Would you feel offended if someone was J-ing Odo a picture of you? I wouldn't care.

I don't think I would care. So I guess you could ask your friend. But also, I feel like there's, you know, some people absolutely would. Definitely it goes different ways. I think maybe. You think so? Well, yes. I'm sure that if any of my female friends, if I did that to them, they would be very upset. So.

I could see that. I can see that. Well, I don't know. I mean, when you said it, it sounded right. But then, like, I'm thinking about it. Maybe they'll be flattered. I don't think so. I guess there's no way to find out.

We should have asked this question when Avital or Jill were on. It absolutely needs a female perspective. But this is a gay guy asking about other straight guys. So, actually, we are more the authority on answering his question. Yeah, we just have to imagine, put in our shoes, a gay guy saying, he looks at pictures of me and Jay-Z. Yeah, and for me, I guess I would be fine with that. I still don't think that you, part of the reason why you must like it

is that it's a little forbidden and it's a little cheeky, if not more than cheeky. It's not just cheeky, it's ballsy. It's a weird question because I think he feels guilty. He likes it. He likes the rush. I don't even know what the question is. Is it a morally gray area? Yes, it is.

So do you not do it anymore? Do you do it and ask? Or do you just keep doing it and not mention anything? I mean, I don't know. What would you do? I would not ask. I would continue doing it. It's fine. It's like fucking policing our thoughts we can't

do it i'm gonna jo to whoever i want to jo you can't fucking tell me not to fantasize about people man it completely doesn't affect the person right i mean it's i think of all of the i'm not telling the guy to stop that was that you farted you just ripped ass again yeah i was helping you either couldn't hear or i was gonna know i heard it yeah i actually heard it again that was half of it that was a half that was only half yeah go ahead that's a turdy that's a fucking turdy of course that's a literal turdy you fucking sharted your pants on the podcast you don't expect that award that shame dude that was tacky i wasn't even gonna fucking leave it in i wasn't gonna leave it in it would have been

you left the last one in you looked ass twice two times you broke wind two times you should say man um so yeah ask don't ask don't tell i think i mean i i don't think that it's asking seems bizarre i wouldn't go so far as to tell him to stop either i think what's happening is kind of what's going to happen. You're doing it. You feel a little weird about it, which you should. Ultimately, it's fine. But ultimately, it's fine. I know I personally would not care. Yeah, same. All right, let's take a break, answer some more questions on the other side of these

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Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Don't have unsolicited advice this episode, but I did want to sort of delve deep into the low light of my trip, which I sort of mentioned to you in passing. That's right, you did. I was like in an antique store upstate when you called and told me the story, so I actually didn't retain very much of it.

I just know, yeah, I'll let you have the floor. So the day, Avital and I were in New York for a wedding, which was the day before Labor Day on Sunday. So I'm like, oh, well, she's getting ready with the ladies. I'll get a haircut. Plenty of barbershops in Brooklyn. This is great. You texted me.

Yeah, where should I get my haircut? And I gave you a great recommendation, which you did not follow. I had to get my haircut, or I had to be at the wedding at five, and it was like one. So I'm like, all right, I have four hours to get a haircut. But then I went to the place you recommended, they were busy until five so i couldn't get there all right i'm glad that you went yeah cotter barber um shout out so then i went to a different place um should i say the name like this whole i guess the whole thing i want to get into is it was such a negative nasty experience to me that i like almost had to journal about it and

it turned into a yelp review that i haven't necessarily left yet i was going to sort of read it to you right and then we can decide together whether i should be leaving this yelp review or not whether it's good to even leave a negative yelp review yeah that's true okay yeah let's hear it so this is what i wrote today just free-flowing letting my thoughts come out of me it tells the story of what went wrong at this barber shop um so as i'm reading this yelp review feel free to interrupt ask questions whatever you got it okay here we go this is what I would potentially leave on this page. What's your Yelp username?

I don't know if I have one. I've never left a Yelp review. Wow. Yeah. I'm not sure if this is going to be a Yelp review or a journal that will help me work through my feelings about place. But either way, I feel like this is a necessary piece of mental journalism if only for myself let me start by saying the haircut was fine wow yeah it looks fine your hair looks totally normal it's a little messy today but yeah overall the haircut itself was fine it was not like

bad in that way so then you sort of wonder what ways could it have been so bad if the haircut ended up fine. But life, as we know, is about the journey. It seemed as though the regular barber, who I figured out is named Eli, was either busy or suffering from COVID that day and left his little brother, maybe, whose name I didn't get, in charge of the entire barbershop eli has some sort of anti-mask ideology that's either real because it made it way made its way onto other yelp reviews or is completely unfounded and thus i apologize basically a bunch of people have left comments on yelp saying he'd refuse to wear a mask got it but eli this guy wasn't there eli who's the only barber listed on the website was not at the barbershop when i was so that's why and you assume he got covid because of the anti-mask thing

yes nice now as for the antagonist of our story this man or child whatever a 38 year old calls a 22 year old is seemingly rushed over from his first day at barbershop school to open this place up. He had just gotten the syllabus and had to head out because his uncle or cousin Eli wasn't able to work that day. A Sunday in Brooklyn, the most popular day and place to get a haircut. Now, I don't claim to be good at everything. There are plenty of situations and jobs I would also be completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing. And again, the haircut was fine. But our anti-hero, while decent at cutting hair, was completely over his head and scared at every other little thing that it takes to run a barbershop, which you don't even think about until they're being done poorly.

So here's the story. Yeah yeah i want to know what those things are i walked into a barber shop and i was told i would be next just a few minutes if i wanted to stick around and have a beer gotta have a beer it's 2 p.m and a barber shop nice so i told she exactly i told our man or kid or whatever who was currently cutting somebody else's hair that i would take a lap around the block and return. Did the person whose hair he was cutting, did that look like it was a normal thing? Totally normal. Totally fine.

Like nothing felt amiss yet. Except as he was cutting his hair, as I was leaving, he also picked up the phone because, again, he was doing everything. No Eli in sight. COVID, who's to say? upon my return for my small stroll, I was told that somebody else was actually ahead of me in line. Could you possibly just wait? It won't take long. Not sure how I got cut in line,

but this is a barbershop after all. So I guess cuts are par for the course. Ha ha. Love it. I tell this intern slash boss that I'll go get lunch and be back in an hour i spend the next hour on yelp walking to other barbershops that were either too busy or too closed to cut my hair so you didn't really get you didn't get lunch i did not get lunch i see you said i'm gonna get lunch i'll be right back you tried to go elsewhere i tried to hopefully

never come back yeah yeah because that was all you could do. I was getting a weird vibe from the guy. He was like, I have to cut his hair, but it'll be really quick. And it's like, okay, something weird's happening, but sure. Our overwhelmed main character, who is like Roberto Benigni pretending to cut hair to escape Nazis, is still working on our main man, who either cut me or was ahead of me legally.

So I take a seat. I proceed to wait another 45 minutes. Oddly slow, but maybe our client has a particular set of needs. So I can't quite understand how it's now 3.30 instead of 2 p.m., but it's now my turn to get a haircut. So an hour and a half has gone by

and he's cut one person's hair. At this point, I'm in the worst place on earth to be in a rush stuck in a chair next to somebody who i can only assume is the host of a hidden camera game show in which contestants like me who are very mellow and not anxious at all are pushed to their patient limits for fun and cash our joker's nerves heart rate and face resemble somebody somebody disarming a bomb as he cuts my hair, or helping their wife give birth in an elevator as he begins to chop me up. I hope for a quick haircut, then a beard trim, neither of which happen. The razor hurts as he pushes it into my temple, a small but forgivable mistake. The scissors occasionally cut my ear.

Oopsie-daisie daisy my god we sit in silence as he breathes so the haircut wasn't fine it turned out fine but the process of it was bad yeah pain i mean a painful haircut's not yeah that's bad he was like pressing into my head a lot with the razor like he had was learning how to use these tools earlier today um we sit in unmasked silence as he breathes ever so slightly and moves slightly so everly in a way that convinces me i'm going to get the delta in a way that convinces me i'm going to get the delta variant but i'm too polite to do anything about it he He's holding only two items, a comb and scissors, and yet his hands are full and clumsy like a teenager carrying too many bags

because he only wants to make one trip. I'm not sure how or why, but the comb keeps flicking my forehead whenever it's at rest, and he keeps repositioning my head by the eyebrows. I wonder why you're touching me there, but as a hostage, I'm groomed not to question my captor very good was that intentional he kept like moving my head like by the eyebrows

like repositioning me I'm like you don't have to fucking touch me this much move the scissors not my head and the way he kept like holding the the comb like kept like flicking me in the forehead very very new the silence was broken as when he nervously flicking me in the forehead. Very, very new. The silence was broken when he nervously asked me a question,

voice shaking like a nerd in a movie on a date. So you're not working today? I laugh uncontrollably because, again, it's Sunday, now 4 p.m. in a barber shop. No, man, I'm not working today. A complete zero for the small talk attempt. Oh, my God. That's so funny.

After 45 minutes, I implore him to move on to my beard, which really just needs a trim. The only thing that a beard can basically be done to at a barber shop. Also, did I mention this place is called, all right, I'll say the name at this point, Beard Barberia. It's called Be barberia oh my god i know where that is he tells me he's almost done a phrase i keep hearing a lot as he begins to cut smaller and smaller portions of my hair finally getting to a point where i'm convinced he's not cutting anything at all so he's like trimming like the bonsai just like less and less and less after 45 minutes seriously i think am i being filmed right now but i walked into here how did the producers know i'd choose this place did he did were you like

telling him you had anywhere to be were you ever like towards the end i'm like i gotta go i gotta go i gotta go after another 15 to 20 minutes of panto cutting my internal dialogue raged over in a way that's never happened before uh it's like being stuck on a terrible date only i can't move um because i'm under a robe and he's holding two knives to my brain i have wake paralysis as i begin nervously laughing to myself and then eventually out loud. Hey man, I'm running out of time. You got to move on to my beard. He says his sentence again. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. Almost done. We repeat this song and dance four or five more times as I start

laughing louder and louder. Is this what going crazy feels like? This whole thing has a real delaying me for a surprise party energy. I eventually give up and say, okay, I'm going to stand up right now sorry i really have to go because he wasn't stopping to cut my hair i'm like i'm gonna literally stand up so like move move get out of my face he says okay okay sorry yeah i could do the beard what are you looking to do like a trim or a blend or the question scares me away from trusting him to do any more work it's been over an hour of sitting and i had to cut him off i can't imagine letting him any anything so close

to my jugular i make eyes uh with a person waiting to go next and i try to like shining convey a sense of dread so he feels it in his bones to leave no such luck uh i go to pay you don't have to pay he tells me as he takes my credit card again shaking um shaking uh doing everything here because his uncle slash cousin slash doctor has left him high and dry it's fine uh just take my money and leave me alone he can't scan my card into the ipad because that would mean he could do literally any part of his job correctly and of course he cannot nice do you have another way to pay I laugh again no dude uh unless you take fucking bitcoin my credit card is the only way I could pay for stuff he nervously tells me it's fine I don't have to pay the numbers aren't working I swing the iPad around and input my credit card information works fine of course that he

stares me in the eyes and goes um do you want to leave a tip uh that's the end of the scene i regret the even leaving a negative yelp review because this man who's now kind of my soulmate clearly struggling enough and this short story i couldn't send him over the edge but at the same time i can't just let the universe get away with this. Unregulated capitalism does not work. We need checks and balances. I need to tell my story to warn others that, sorry, to warn other people. Otherwise, I'm just as bad as Eli, who threw his son in front of a moving bus to keep his barbershop up and running. Four stars. Four stars. So, you're going to leave're gonna leave good so this because the haircut's fine the haircut's good the haircut was fine it was the the story the process how everything took

so long and i think this eli guy's a bad guy because i honestly think this kid that was there is related to eli and he's like you have to do me a solid and keep this barbershop open for me right so like you think but he didn't know how to cut me a solid and keep this barbershop open for me right so like you think but he didn't know how to cut like it wasn't a complete like i've never cut hair before but it was like this was his first day trying so i that's what i don't understand like how could he have the know-how and yet still be so bad maybe he's like socially awkward or uncomfortable yeah what if he's what if it really was his first time cutting hair? He'd never done it before.

And he just like fucking actually knocked it out of the park. Cause he was, cause he went so slow. He went so slow and he kept saying like, Oh, sorry. It just, it's slow because your hair is thick.

Your hair. Hold on one second. I'm almost done. I'm almost done. Cutting slightly less, less, less, less less so slowly i feel like i could also give you a good haircut if it took me two hours

because i would just do like the tiniest um you're you're just like whittling whittling you down yeah yes like the the fucking the hard part excuse me for saying but it seems like the hard part about being a barber is doing a good job in a normal time frame right infinite time yeah anybody can cut hair eventually like i'm not a barber 20 like because that's what doesn't make any sense like he he knew how to be a barber, but he was really nervous. Maybe he was just worried because he'd never been there

without Eli. And I look online and none of the, none of the reviews or the Instagram photos ever mention anyone but Eli. Right. So,

yeah, he must have, like, gotten called up to the show. Right. So, the question question is should i leave this uh yelp review or is it like this kid is already struggling so much will it actually do any good to leave a negative yelp review i guess that's the thing like it does it feels like this is not what would normally happen at the barbershop. Like he got thrown a curveball that he couldn't hit.

It's not like he is, you know what, maybe you just tell me what he looks like. I'll keep on walking by and I'll tell you if he's still there. Because I feel like people should be warned from getting their hair cut by somebody that's that bad but at the same time maybe he doesn't usually go there and all this will do would will be get him in trouble with eli which there's another the the review that mentioned that he uh refused to wear a mask said haircut wasn't great and the barber asked me uh to take my mask off and he wasn't going to wear his until his boss made him. And then the owner privately messaged me. Why are you making a bullshit story? Yes, I'm the owner. And no, I don't wear a mask like you loser. And no, I don't tell people to take off the mask. So the owner privately messaged him. I guess if you leave a negative Yelp review,

the owner can message you like a response and then he published that message that's fucking funny so if the owner is actually this bad of a guy maybe he deserves i just feel bad for this you know the kid 24 year old that was thrust into this situation why not take a liberty and just change it out and make it eli that did this that's really good so eli was there and he's really young and new and nervous and skittish and he fucked up is that fine he was a fucking bad guy it sounds like yeah what are your thoughts on negative reviews in general is it worthwhile leaving them does it actually act as a warning to other people? I think for me, I really never end up leaving negative Yelp reviews.

Because by the time I get home to do it, I'm like, this is going to be more work than not. But I've never had. I don't think I've ever had that level of experience that you've had. And I also think that whatever negative experiences I have, they are usually so person-specific. Like the waiter at this restaurant didn't bring my bill for a long time or they were bad. But it's weird to be like, this restaurant's bad

because it's a big operation. And whenever I read a yelp review that's like the server was rude to me i'm like well that's fine yeah rude too as long as the food is good who cares whether you had a weird waiter that day yeah well like you didn't get along with them they weren't necessarily rude to you who knows but also like i feel like the only reviews i really respond to are ones where they're like they were you know the price uh it's like a racket you know like this is that's a scam yes they're like rental car places in iceland where it seemed like that was kind of

the deal they like take advantage of people that can't speak uh icelandic right and usually people who leave negative reviews like those are the kind of people that like say the waiter was really nasty to me but like actually they're the bad person yeah but also even really positive reviews i feel like i don't trust either because like i've eaten at restaurants that were pretty good and i see a yelp review that's like five stars, best food ever. I'm like, well, it's not. It's kind of like Rotten Tomatoes. It's like, yeah, everybody has such, it's so subjective.

I guess eventually the crowd wisdom evens out. But look, I think for what happened to you, that's kind of insane. He really wouldn't stop cutting my hairs. And it's hard to convey it because like, you know, the story takes a few minutes. So like, it's hard to say how fucking annoying it is to be like underneath this guy for over an hour as he barely cuts and I can't move. But it was like some sort of weird mental torture. It's a very unique experience too because that's not the that's not

the normal kind of negative thing that would happen at a barber shop it's like the cut was bad or it was too expensive or i mean the wait was too long that did happen but like to be under the blanket for almost two hours and repeatedly say that you need to get up and he has to move on and for him to not to the point where you feel like you're getting punked is truly wild so on one hand i feel like you should publish the review but on the other i feel like it's so it's so antagonistic towards this kid that i feel bad right eli will read it and like get mad at the kid where it's really not the kid's fault but it kind of is i mean like eli shouldn't put him in the position eli sounds like a shithead on his own right but this this guy should have like you know moved on when you said you had to

go he should have been like okay well it's not complete um but i understand you have to leave and he did offer me a free haircut he's like you don't have to pay because like i know i didn't get to do your beard i know i didn't get to finish your hair yeah i mean him offering to give you the free haircut is definitely a tacit acknowledgement that he was not up to the task you know like he would agree with you he would agree with this assessment that it was a bad experience i also feel like you really went through something because i know what i i it's so rare for you to speak up right exactly i would have just and for 45 minutes i just sat there sort of quietly stewing and laughing about this craziness you i think you and i are this are very

similar in like being conflict aaverse and just wanting to be agreeable. There have been times where somebody makes me a coffee that I don't like, and rather than say that, I will just go outside, throw it away, and get a different one. Actually, it happened the other day. You were with me. Right. You're not going to go back in and say, sorry, this didn't turn out well and like a waiter uh getting a food order wrong or like me hating the food at a restaurant i'm like talking about how it's not that good they come over and like is everything all right and i go it's great because i don't want to talk to you about how it's not good yeah no i don't want to do that

so for for you to be like i and definitely it's happened with haircuts. Like, how does that look? It's like, it's fine. I just need to get out of the chair. I need to get out of the chair. I need to get out of the situation. But you actually had to, you had to say something. You had to fucking announce it. And he basically apologized to the point where he's like, you no longer even have to pay.

I can't believe the guy who was sitting next to me in line was like, just this whole thing and be like all right my turn yeah how long does i mean i'm trying to think of like how long i would normally budget for a haircut i guess like an hour yeah maybe a half an hour of waiting and a half an hour of haircut but this was like an hour of waiting and over an hour of haircut over an hour of haircut i can't even imagine that seems so excruciating i was stuck i was stuck with long hair i have to do i was also completely by myself so like i left i left the barber i'm like that was insane right but like nobody to even talk about yeah that's why you called me yeah i'm like have you ever been to this place is this place notoriously bad is it fine it looks fine you were you were giddy when you called me you were laughing you were so confused also that's why i had to get a burger afterwards oh you had you went straight

from there to bk johnny that's right wow i got my burger there the other night it's very good great burger i ate it so quickly and felt so nauseous in a taxi ride over the wedding and then i used your manscaped trimmer to trim my beards because that guy couldn't yeah how did you find it uh i rooted around in my drawers yeah i sort of did a quick a cursory glance and when that didn't yield the results i started sort of ransacking the places that yeah i see that makes sense uh okay so let's take let's take another break and try to answer more questions that was wait are you gonna leave the review you're still thinking about it i guess not i mean i feel bad for this kid more than anything and it did give me a not even that good of a story because the story is just that he wouldn't leave me alone but i like it's hard to yeah it's hard to convey that with that i mean you do kind of need the long story hopefully this was

cathartic enough it's like being stuck in traffic for two hours it's like the worst thing in the world when it's happening and then you talk about it's like i was stuck in traffic for two hours but it's hard to like right understand what two hours feels like yeah no, I get that. I was stuck in a chair for over an hour. Wild. Okay, let's take a break. Come back. More questions. Tight.

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Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell,

easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

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That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we're back uh last week with avital we brought up the idea of reading more follow-up pups and that's correct people were into it in fact some of us uh even sent in some follow-up pups whoa who um the guy who made out with a mormon and then she asked him should i um how do i ask out other guys and he's like whoa that was weird yeah that was weird uh so he says hey guys i was stoked to hear that you answered my question last week listening to it and i took a pause to give you guys a follow-up it's been a couple of weeks since the events previously discussed and i'm still no closer to getting any sort of clarity about our situation we've hung

out two or three more times since then uh never one-on-one and we have a lot of mutual friends so we have ended up at the same social gatherings and i expect it to be awkward but it hasn't really we've never brought up what happened and our friends don't know so i just figured that she never really even thought of this as going anywhere that's okay i guess but maybe i'll ask her one more out one more time before i call it quits no there you go that seems perfect yeah i guess much like a lot of these questions like it's a big deal to you and the other person is completely oblivious that anything went wrong yeah definitely so it's like what does this mean what did she do did she do that on purpose and she's like i don't remember who you

are entirely so i definitely don't know what i did and how i did it yeah there's your look you're thinking of everything you're like reading too far into every single thing that i do and also assuming a lot of stuff yeah but you'll never know anything unless you ask so it's good that he's gonna ask her out one more time it might work uh i guess we deserve yet another follow-up we certainly do could you imagine two pups for the price of one that's how most pups are born i think litters yeah, that's true. Okay. One last question to rule them all. Yes, please. Yes. Math nerd.

So we'll call this guy, you know, a math nerd. A classic math nerd. Einstein. Einstein. It is I, your smartest fan, Albert Einstein. I'm a high school math teacher whose hobby is reading and listening to your podcast. I started this year and i'm honestly not 100 sure i enjoy it teaching this year yeah another cool another new fan yeah well i really

started teaching this year sorry oh i see sorry all right cool never mind yeah uh yeah this teaching teaching is nice but some kids are obnoxious little turds and the extra work is time consuming. Are there any other career options? Oh, it's a woman. We'll call her Alberta Einstein. Are there any other career options for a woman with a bachelor's degree in math? I'd love to consider a career without kids or such a heavy workload. Thanks for your advice. Amir, from one math nerd to another, I believe you deserve the golden mic. Too late. He got the charity this episode for sharting not once but twice on mic, on air, while we were live, while I was talking. I didn't shart. You farted.

Yes, I farted. Not into the mic, away from the mic. I picked it up, I guess. You definitely picked it up. If the fucking computer mic picked it up, yeah. You're a sensitive ass mic. I picked it up. I you definitely picked it up if the fucking computer mic picked it up yeah you're a sensitive ass mic picked it up believe that uh okay so this lady went into teaching and wouldn't you know doesn't like it i guess you never really uh think about that i just think of all teachers as heroes that like it's a long hour and it's difficult work but they love their

job and that's why they do it well because the pay is good yeah that's right it's difficult work, but they love their job and that's why they do it. Well, because the pay is good. Yeah, that's right. It's the highest paying job in America. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Teachers are heroes. But it's also fine if you don't want to do it because it is an insanely hard job. So what's another? You're the math nerd.

You're the fucking geek. What do you think is? There's so many jobs that rely on math. Yeah, it's hard because it's like, other than teaching what you learned, what job, like if I studied biology and I have a degree in biology, is a biologist an occupation? Is a mathematician an occupation? Or is it just you learn it to teach it? Yeah, no, I think if you have a passion for mathematics,

what about being a line producer, working with budgets and numbers? Oh, I see. Yeah. You could be- An accountant. Well, not an accountant, yeah. But a line producer actually works on TV shows

and looks at the budgets and the rates and all that stuff yeah so you know there's like you look at any field or any industry there's something behind it i think it's the money it's being a money manager that's cool finance managing the finances of any sector any any business, any store, any brand that you're into. I think there's a place in Brooklyn that needs a hair stylist because they seem to be one person short. Because Eli died of COVID. Yeah, a maskless man. I mean, if he's not there because of COVID, then this understudy probably has it.

I don't see a world where I'm not infected. You probably are, now that I think about it. I was maskless, vaxless, deaf and dumb. My god. Also, high school math is the hardest. Why don't you kick it down a notch?

What if you're a fifth grade math teacher? She doesn't want to be a teacher, man. She doesn't want to be a high school teacher. Because guys are, kids are obnoxious little turds. And like, teenagers are the biggest turds. Like, nine-year-olds aren't as big of turds as 17-year-olds, right? Nine-year-olds? Probably.

I think they're turds in their own way. Yeah. I think they could be turds. Any, I was a turd when I was fucking nine. Absolutely, I was. Nines aren't fine. Why don't you find a grade with the least amount of turds before calling it a career? I mean, yeah, I guess you could try another grade, but I think that you might just know

that teaching is not for you. Could you be a teacher? Me? No. Hell no. But if you had to, what subject is not for you could you be a teacher me no hell no but if you had to what subject and grade are you thinking i would teach english writing creative writing poetry sketch writing writing for the internet probably something some kind of version of something that i've done oh i see so it's, yeah, you're getting paid to be like the cool teacher that comes in at 2.30 and teaches like an extracurricular class. I'd like to teach email correspondence. Really?

How about that for a career? I think I write a mean email. What do you think about that? Yeah, we have noticed recently that a bunch of youngsters only reply to the person writing the email and they rarely reply all. Yeah. That could be your first lesson. Look they rarely reply all yeah that could be your first lesson look at the reply all sometimes you want it sometimes you want to avoid it sometimes you know there's the uh the grace of moving someone not involved anymore to bcc being like

you don't have to be here for the coordination of anything. You've made an intro. I set you free. That's nice. I set you free, CC, to the BCC. It's the, I mean, it's an art to bump an old thread to respond to something with inline comments. I mean, you saw that I've been putting emojis in the subject line recently, right? I mean, that's pretty impressive stuff.

And I think i could really teach a chote for this what chote i want to teach at chote what's private private school it's a boarding school in connecticut top tier boarding school you have to dress like a naval marine to teach there yeah there's an officer on deck salute and i'm going to teach you have to dress like a naval marine to teach there yeah there's an officer on deck salute and i'm going to teach you how to forward a chain letter to 10 people or somebody a ghost will haunt you what would you teach how to i would teach algebra at my old high school and uh-oh that's a sitcom so i'm sort of at odds with a a another kid that a bully that used to beat me up son and he's like bullying me and the yeah and the principal that i always looked up to passed away the summer before i started teaching there so there's a

little bit of heart ted lasso style to this very. Very good. And did I mention I have a crush on a water fountain? Sorry? For the better part of my 9th through 12th grade, I've always found a specific water fountain on campus to be hot and this is sort of my chance to guzzle at her teat i like so i really like this show looked up to the principal that was cool yeah you know the bully's son was the bully's son i could envision the hot fountain yeah so where did i lose you i like that you were going to the high school your old high school the hot fountain was cool and the PE teacher that won't take no for an answer so I'm trying to sort of get in shape to

in an effort to please turn on the water fountain you can turn on the water fountain by pressing a button yeah you do not fucking touch that fountain you don't know how to touch the fountain like i do this is so fucking gross man you're it's an adult swim short it's a late night

unsimulated sex with a water fountain that's right um yeah okay a new career in anything numbers related and or a new school because sometimes schools are filled with turds and sometimes other schools are filled with less turds so maybe you just have a turd heavy class yeah you could be a line producer though on a tv show like amir's uh will they won't they water fountain saga that's true and i'll yeah that'd be cool and if you don't want to see anybody i recommend being an accountant it's just the number crunching and none of the actual i guess interpersonal all your your clients will be turds i'm a turd to my account uh all right cool that's it thanks for listening um thanks for your questions back as always on monday uh or on thursday for

another testing testing and if you have your own theme songs or follow-up pubs send them on down to if i were you show at gmail.com love it uh the opening theme song was written by tony remember that turds song yes great this closing one is pretty awesome i think this is the first time it's ever happened it was written by someone in the voice memo uh while driving she came up with the song and it's just so inspired yeah that's fun. Let me find their name. Oh, yeah. I don't have fancy recording equipment, writes Fran, but this idea came when I was driving one day. And as the song says,

you'll probably have to be scraping the barrel to use it. No. She actually has a really good voice. Nothing to plug. Can't wait for HeadGum Live in the UK one day. One day. God. You can't wait for this song.

Yeah. It's a it's a frozen parody by fran b so thanks to fran for submitting that thanks to you guys for listening more of us on our patreon patreon.com slash ja watching old videos there's podcast episodes on there animated shorts a little bit of everything oh Oh, we gotta write another stuck. That reminds me. Another stuck, more Jake and Amir outtakes. Oh yeah. So enjoy everything there. And here we go. Here's

Fran with the Frozen parody. The show must start but it's getting too hard to write a decent theme tune. I don't do Tom DeLonge impressions, so I guess that I am doomed. But maybe they'll get bored and delve into the shine.

Couldn't hurt to try, so maybe I'll rise. If I were you, the podcast show Jake and Amira, these two bros They'll give advice, no need to ask twice Just sometimes thrice If I were you, if I were you They'll probably put me on blast If I were you, if I were you, they'll probably put me on blast. If I were you, if I were you, this idea is running out fast.

Should I care or should I just give up? Kill myself in a Starbucks. Jake and Amir, please give me advice. That was a Hiddem original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door.

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