Segments - 506: Toilet Porn

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

In this episode we discuss picky eaters, soft robes, and Jake's new office. Check out our sponsor MyBookie. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, the show Give me advice so I don't feel so low

Find it out, what's gone south And drop trout for that chin-mong now smooth right finally finally there's a steam song that's as sexy as the show that's right yeah i've always wanted to do like this kind of like i don't know this like sexy talk show where it's like late night and things are getting sort of hot yes definitely tuxedos and tattoos that's right lounge singer vibe yeah and everyone's shirts are sort of either open or off and everyone's jacked and smells like perfume dirty martinis yes yes it's really cold in the studio and everyone's sort of goose bumped out and hearted on so everyone has an erection and a cold yes and they have a cold and a flu-like symptom on the day but we've tested them all so everyone is sick but not with covid right that's

cool so that's that's cool remember getting just classic sick that was that old school there used to be a sick that you could get yeah that wasn that wasn't dangerous. Now it's just like, let's first make sure I don't have the disease, and now that I don't, I could sort of veg out with my wedge out. That's when you sort of sit down, but your ass is hanging off a stair that's made out of velvet, because you're in the hot lounge, and it's sexy, because you can tell it is because of the music so that's the show idea what do you think it's is it a new show or it's just a vibe that you want for this show it's a vibe it's a show it's the it's it's basically this show but like sexy you could never be sexy there's no fucking world. It doesn't matter how many martinis, how many lunches.

One of your ideas to make it fucking hot was for everyone to have goosebumps. So yeah, I don't think you have sexy instincts. You wanted people to have a cold. You wanted them to be ill. I wanted their nose to run. You don't know how to throw a party. You don't know the first fucking thing about it okay okay well this is a good step one and i guess thanks to jake moral a 24 year old currently living in brooklyn um you can uh plug his music on spotify

which you can search joy captain you'll be able to hear it. I love, love Brooklyn. Respect for living in the goat city. Here's something funny. You guys played another theme of mine on episode 425, Coronavirus, which was the last episode before lockdown started. Wow. So at the beginning of lockdown, we played it. And at the end of lockdown, we played it.

Let's fucking go. It's over, baby. We're having sexy shows. It's velvet. It's freezing. Everyone can't feel their toes. Yeah. But they're, yeah.

Yeah. They're hot. Right. Yeah. I don't think you're ready to have the COVID is over party. Feels like it's, you know low-key never gonna end so yeah can't really bookend it with one of your swagged out sexy velvet parties i know you love to throw a velvet party foam yeah it's foam and it's velvet in a way right but you're gonna have to have fomo because you're

missing velvet that's good fear of missing out on foam yeah i have fomo that's right i have foam foam um all right sweet this is if i were you i guess a normal podcast about advice uh the only one on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm liquid nice oh you're back yeah yeah liquid nice never left because it looks it looks like things are sort of tenuously hanging on by a thread over there i see like two two foam pads that you're sort of creating a teepee over your mic, hoping to God that it eliminates echo in your new studio at home. Yeah, this is actually the FOMO. I think it's, I don't think it's going to work either,

because I can kind of hear an echo even as I'm talking directly into the foam. It's like, yeah, it's hard to simulate a full studio with just two little planks of foam. Yeah. So I ordered three big 48-inch tall sound panels. Oh, wow. Wow. I'm going to kind of hang.

I'm a little sad because I basically have to ruin my office. I have to turn it into like a twitch gamer looking setup studio yeah you wanted like a nice classic 1920s hardwood desk and a typewriter and instead you're gonna have like eight ring lights and a sound foam and a sort of dome and a dell pc and a hackintosh And like five weird little tripods holding my mic, holding my light, holding a Joby. Mom, don't touch that. That's my USB dongle.

Nine fucking dongles. Three pairs of headphones just crawling around under the desk looking for more outlets. There's sparks. Things are short circuiting you can design design all day i put beautiful molding in this room but at the end of the day i have to hammer it away and put up a fucking bass track that's what i'm gonna have to do the life of a podcaster you're sort of it's the duality of you. It's like who you want to be and then what your job is. Yeah, exactly. I want to sit here with a typewriter and work on the next American novel.

You want to be a cartographer. No, I have to have a Cat6 cable in here. And make sure that the ring light is sort of facing you in case we want to twitch our zoom meetings anytime soon yeah there's like a place in this office where the desk makes sense and then there's a place where it needs to be for me to get light for my zoom meetings and that's kind of sad i'm gonna take a picture of us right now. Smile. All right, got it. That was good.

Yeah. That was fun. I look forward to hearing what your audio sounds like. And again, if there's a slight echo, just, I guess we apologize. Like, what do you want me to say at this point? I'm living in a foam teepee. I'm doing everything I possibly can. Yeah.

I wonder if the phone should be in front of you instead of on top. Does that change anything? I guess we can adjust that halftime and see what happens. Yeah, we'll have to. Okay. Questions from real people and trying to give them real answers as much as possible. That's the liquid nice way. Yeah.

Guyton Ice would never. Here's one about a picky partner from a lady so we'll call her penelope picker nice penelope picker and her picky partner writes uh i've been listening since day one and i've never written in before i even came to the show in new haven and you guys gave me a piggyback ride dope that was the one we did with Allison. Fuck. Yeah. I'm a 22-year-old female and have been with my boyfriend for five years. He's 24.

What pisses me off the most about him is that he is the pickiest eater I've ever met. Most meals we order in, yet he refuses to try new cuisines. I've convinced him enough to try new restaurants, but he reads the menu and makes us leave. Even if we order a pizza, he will only get sausage, if not plain. We don't even add peppers or onions. Is this a deal breaker? How annoyed would you guys be?

I cannot express how frustrating it is, as I'm a huge food lover and will try slash very much enjoy pretty much anything. Thanks. Love, Penelope.. Love, Penelope. All right, Penelope. I feel like I became a very adventurous eater, I think, around when I was like 20, maybe a little younger than 24. So there's still hope.

I feel like your palate does grow and change and expand. So hopefully he knows that it's something that bothers you and he's going to work on it. Yeah. And it sounds like it does a little bit. I'm kind of picky myself. Not to such an extreme, but there's certain foods that I know I don't like

and I don't get them. I wouldn't necessarily cancel off a full cuisine though. Even the pickiest eaters I know, my friends that don't eat anything, it's like, we're all going to get sushi, and Jesse's going to get chicken on rice. There's at least something for him. So he's never vetoed a full restaurant. He just doesn't try the, you know, raw fish and stuff like that. It feels like that's excessive.

Like if you want to try a new restaurant, your boyfriend has to go and get the blandest thing on the menu. Yeah. You can always eat. But then it's sad because you can't share. Right. But I think that's kind of the tradeoff. It's like you love food.

You can't make someone that is not an adventurous eater become that all you can do is like uh be be proudly independent on your own courses uh literally um because like courses first course second course third course. Hold on. I can't breathe in the foam. I'm short of breath. You're too lightheaded. Scared and hangry. I inhaled glue. No, I think that you just have to be like, I'm going to enjoy my food. You get rice or you eat before we go out. But I want rice. I mean, there's a quiet shame in just being like, do you have, can I get this without sauce? And do you just have plain rice? Like he has to ask for that stuff. You don't have to do it. Yeah. I feel like it's, I don't know. Yeah. You just gotta

just keep on doing you. What did you used to be picky about that you now added to your repertoire? Um, I mean, when I was a kid, I wouldn't eat anything. I never, I never tried peanut butter until I was like 20. Um,

that's peanut butter is like, I usually, it's like my kid will only eat peanut butter. You didn't even have that. And I fucking love peanut butter. I didn't have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich until I was 21 years old. Wow. And I had never had pasta.

I had plain pasta. I didn't like tomato sauce. I could have it on pizza if there wasn't a lot. And it was mostly cheese and bread. But I never had like uh tomato sauce and pasta it was always like butter and now i fucking i love pasta i love tomato sauce so you remember what changed like what got you into it um i think it was just like my parents never ever made me eat anything and when i had like friends and i started like going out to meals and um

you know being around society i was like oh i guess i have to try this food and i i never they never made me try anything for instance i liked i liked burgers but i didn't like meatballs which doesn't make any sense because that's just the shape difference and i didn't like meatballs, which doesn't make any sense. Because that's just the shape difference. And I didn't like meatloaf. And nobody was like, you have to try it. You'll like it. And I was just like, okay, yeah, you don't want meatballs. That's fine.

Turns out I fucking love meatballs because they're like tiny little hamburgers. You were like a fucking caveman eating out at a restaurant the first time. You're like, actually, my mommy just says i can have um crust without sauce and everyone around you's like what are you doing what are you ordering i don't actually eat tomatoes or peanut butter you have to do that now really i went mom hold on i have to call my mom she never made me eat any of this shit what is this uh it's tomato sauce and spaghetti i went to dinner at my aunt's house and she was making mexican and uh she basically she made tacos and all i would eat was cucumbers cut up into a hard shell taco and i loved it and that was my dinner and you were what 20 years old

that was last winter cucumbers inucumbers in a taco. You'd think like the kid in you would eat the meat or chicken plain with rice, not a cucumber taco. No, I also used to, I would, this actually translated into a Jake and Amir a little bit. I used to like chicken nuggets from McDonald's, but I didn't like the middle. So I would just eat around the edges. And if the piece was too chickeny, I didn't want it. Basically just like the fucking skin, which is something that we made your character do. You used to eat chicken nuggets like fucking corn on the cob.

Yeah, just eat around the middle. Yeah, because you like fried chicken skin, but you didn't like the chicken part of it. Yeah, it was almost like, it was like pizza. I didn't like the crust, but it was like the middle was the crust of the chicken. It's kind of an incredible, you survived really. But I, and I've changed and now I love, there's like not really a food out there that I don't like. I'm not crazy about eggplant, but.

I remember you having soup for the first time with my parents that's right yeah my mom made soup and she's like do you like the soup you're like i've never really had soup and like that's when we knew each other so you were like 26 yeah she's like what are you talking about you're like yeah i just i don't think i've ever had soup i had never had soup which is crazy because you grew up on the east coast You should have had soup more than anybody. It's true. And we had a big family and soup's kind of a big, easy thing to make, but we never did that. Did your parents, I mean, did your other siblings also have weird dietary restrictions or was it just a you thing?

It was really just a me thing. Everyone else ate whatever was on the table and I would always get a special meal because i'm my mom's special boy like everyone's gonna have chicken and pasta but jake's gonna have little dinosaur chicken wings and macaroni and cheese i ate a lot of frozen food all of my it was like my mom would make dinner for everyone and then cook a sheet pan of frozen food for me. I can't believe that didn't piss your mom off. Imagine like you as an actual parent, like with like five kids and they're all eating and then you have this one fucking snot-nosed nine-year-old that was like, I want dinosaur nuggets.

Throwing your wife's hard-earned food off the table. Yeah, I couldn't really, I have no idea why I got away with it truly no idea i used to have cookie i had cookies every single morning for breakfast i guess it's probably because you had five siblings so they were just like we can't fucking deal with like everybody's special accommodations so we'll just throw a kid cuisine in the microwave to shut them up yeah it was that's what it was it was like they i think they gave up on trying to force it. And they were like, I guess it's easier to just give this asshole what he wants.

And that was sort of your life philosophy growing up entirely, not just foods related stuff. Right. So you could give into your boyfriend's every whim and hope that he just changes on his own like I did or you can um try to force it i will say you it's weird you can look at fucking restaurant menus before you go to the restaurant it's crazy that he'd be there look at the menu and be like we have to get up yeah maybe he is vetoing before they get there okay yeah hopes up i will say my um i used to be anti-fish as as our most picky eaters the

fishy smell sort of turned me off as a youth yeah and what got me into fish which i recommend for people who are trying to get into fish is like uh like fish and chips like fried fish it's almost like as close as you can get to fried chicken without it being chicken and like once you're in fried fish you can start like eating grilled white fish and then you're trying salmon and then you're trying sushi and it's like baby steps into that world yeah and you can also that's i think that's good advice too because you can find kind of like one adventurous cuisine that your boyfriend can tolerate and go all in on that you know if he's like oh i can eat something at this vietnamese

place it's like okay great then i can go there and try everything on the menu we can go there multiple times and i can keep on uh trying different things yeah so that's that's one way and also just fucking uh reach out to your friends who are adventurous eaters start going out to dinner with them and maybe your boyfriend will get FOMO and start coming with or FONO the fear of missing out on noodles I guess that's FOMON maybe he'll get FOMON or something yeah and then when you go to a Vietnamese restaurant you can get FOMON oh that's what I thought you were trying to do. What was the first one? Forget it.

It doesn't matter. It's fear of missing out on noodles. Pho-mon. That's a dirty name. Oh my god. You had this earlier. You said like course and the many courses. That's when I won the golden mic for this episode.

How is it any different? Because it was fucking about dinner yeah well i said fauxmont fear of missing out on noodles that's a comparable joke and then i turned it into the pho like an extra i got it i said pho i said pho i said pho pho no fomo i said fomo and then you that's the better one pho non what is it we talk about? No, I didn't say non. Now you're like misreading. Very misheard on non. No, I get it. Of course you don't get it.

It's not what I said. Although Fonon is pretty good, actually, if you're ever missing out on non. Yeah, that's a golden mic for me for coming up with Fonon. All right, let's take a break. Try to readjust the foam in Jake's home studio office, and we'll be back with more questions on the other side of these.

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Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at mcdonald's you pick a mcdouble or a mcchicken then get a small fry a small drink and a four-piece mcnuggets that's a lot of mcdonald's for not a lot of money price and participation may vary for a limited time only and we're back jake do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Yeah.

Yeah, I do. I recently purchased a bathrobe. Hmm. Now, you were talking about not too long ago, adding things to your shopping cart, waiting a week before deciding to pull the trigger to see if you truly wanted them. And did I mention that a bathrobe was sitting there in that email? Yeah. And then you were like, I think I'm going to get it. So you did get the bathrobe. I bought it for myself for my birthday. That's another piece of unsolicited advice I have. If you want something, don't get it right away. Wait till a special occasion special occasion makes you feel nice i bought it for myself for my birthday and it was cool i got a birthday present my only gift um but yeah it it's it's fucking uh it's it's great i you know like whenever i'm staying in a hotel i love when there's a bathrobe i get excited i'm

like i can't wait to take a shower and I'm going to change into the bathrobe. And it's just a very luxurious, relaxing thing to do. So is it made out of a towel? Do you use it instead of a towel, or do you use a towel to dry and then put on the robe? It's a lot less of a thorough dry. I'll do a pat dry, kind of like a general towel situation um and then throw the rope on you can be a little damp under the rope and then you dry over time and it's like a towel material yeah it's terry cloth it's got a cool little um pattern on it's green and black

it's that's kind of hot that's nice is it like a general towels chicken? I'm trying to, like, I'm, like, trying to really fucking recommend something here. Like, quality of life style shit. Like, I'm trying to help people out there who want to, like, live better lives. I'm about to learn more about it. I just thought it was funny. You're, like, undercutting everything I say with these cheap jokes. These cheap fucking. Cheap joke. it i just thought you're like undercutting everything i say with these cheap jokes these cheap jokes we were talking about like the asian food earlier so i thought it would be a fun callback like general like instead of this is like my moment to talk about advice like the whole show

is your moment to talk about advice we've been doing this for eight years to talk about it but it's just tacky for you to fucking pile on here with like your your i don't know your peanut gallery antics this fucking small comedy um it made it soured the recommendation i feel like people aren't going to buy a bathrobe anymore sure they will they will fit that uh all right do you, when do you decide how long do you wear it? Does a robe have a shelf life? What can you leave? Don't,

don't panic. Like you're, it's too little, too late. You're trying to ask a question, but you don't even give a shit. You just, all you care about is making your fucking silly little quips to try to cut me

down. Not cut you down. I thought you could join it so yeah like when do you switch out of your robe i guess that's a good question um so you do like it i like i like the late i like the the late afternoon showers you know when i say i go climbing after work um come home the the dream is I place an order for some food. I take a shower. The food arrives post-shower.

I'm in a robe. And, yeah, then I get to kind of just relax in front of the TV and enjoy my dinner in my robe. Oh, you're eating a full meal in the robe. Yeah. I mean, that's really indulgent. I've only done that, I think, two or three times. But when I do, it feels great. You go to sleep in the robe?

No, no, no. It's too thick. It's way too thick for that. White robe? No, I've already discussed the color of the robe i said it was green and black i said it was patterned why don't you pay attention why don't you talk about important shit i was almost like hotel robes are white yeah but i said what it was all right so clearly i think i was thinking about the uh Towels chicken. What would that sound?

What would that taste like? That's a funny. General Towels? Yeah. Because that's what I said earlier. Yeah, exactly. I missed that. Thank you.

I missed that. I must have missed that. I don't think so. All right. Do you have a recommendation for where to get a robe? Or no plugs specifically yet? I got mine from this company called OAS. And their robes are very stylish, cool looking.

But I'm sure you can get a good robe anywhere. All right, cool. Maybe we should get a robe sponsor. That's, I mean, we should get these guys because I fucking love my robe. So it's a very specific like where you buy your clothes they don't make robes too it has to be a specialty robes place the i think this place does make clothes oh really yeah they've got they make bathing suits they make like these cool terry cloth shirts here let me i'll pop it i'll pop my robe into the chat you can you can get one like it but don't get the exact same oh this is a night i might do

this specific look at there just go under green and black pattern you didn't say that look in there yes i did what size did you get small medium or lxl i want i got and i got um i think i got because i feel like yeah because i feel like with these kind of things you want it to be a little on the tight side you don't want to be swimming in it if it's xl this is i got the robe actually i got five of them for all of our friends now we're the robe bros this is fun and it's only well returning 680 dollars returning my robe i'm returning my robe returning it nice uh all right cool get a robe here's a Here's another question from another lady, and this lady is in Canada. Okay.

I'm a 27-year-old woman working in the fast food industry. Let's call her Wendy. Nice. I like that. I recently got promoted as regional manager a few weeks ago to look over the hiring and termination, but most of all most of all to oversee the health and food safety procedures here's my problem i'm going through some files the other day and had to go to the washroom my work has a co-ed bathroom the toilet didn't flush

after i did my business so i opened the lid and found some porn in the water tank hmm yeah? Yeah. I panicked and just put it out of the way so the toilet can flush. My question is, should I just leave it there and make the toilet flushable? Or take it and find the person who owns it? Or even better, post it to the career app we have asking the person to come forward and get

fired. Thanks for your guys' help. Love, Wendy. I mean, it's possible that it's been there for a long time so like you know you might not get anyone coming forward isn't it wet in there that tank how can a magazine survive generations in a toilet tank i feel like it's got to be fresh i get it's also just so weird like there's's such easier ways to find and have porn in the bathroom. Like bring your phone in there. Yeah.

It's probably just the oldest employee there, right? Like who else is going to hide a porno in the toilet like it's 1968? Yeah, that's true. You could probably look around your office and deduce who put the porno bag in there was it you ron ron's the 78 year old pervert that works behind the counters if there's someone named ron it was definitely yeah it wasn't like this 16 year old tween that doesn't even realize that porn comes in magazines. Yeah. So,

I mean, I guess if it were me, I would let sleeping dogs lie. That's what they say, right? Yeah. Which means let this guy continue to hide his porno into the toilet area. And so that he can occasionally jerk it in the washroom on a break.

I mean, that's fucking nasty. It's not good to know that's happening. But also, it's not, like, I don't think that, I don't think that there's not really anything that you can do as a porn vigilante. All you can do is fix the toilet. That's the real, that's the real issue that you are having. Toilet doesn't flush.

The problem has actually now been solved. There's a mystery, but it's not necessarily a problem. She recently got promoted as regional manager. So she is a manager here, and she does oversee the health and food safety procedures. Yeah. Is it illegal to jerk it in a bathroom um it yeah it's a good question it's probably right probably but you are there to piss like a social yeah it's like or is it a social code it's like you obviously like there's no way you're gonna jerk it go to the bathroom we fucking wrote a company handbook do we have it in ours i think page four yeah is sort of not

jerking it in the bathroom yeah i see that because then you're only like one step away from doing it at a shared urinal and then you don't want you don't want to start dealing with that right i mean we have co-ed bathrooms at our offices we wouldn't want you don't want to start dealing with that right i mean we have co-ed bathrooms at our offices we wouldn't want anybody doing that in there it would happen if you find a fucking porno mag in the head gum east toilet where only four people work i guess then maybe that's a good question framing it like that makes me i still doubt that i would fucking say anything i would but i would get rid of it i would throw it away um so i feel like whoever had that in there next time they went to use it they would be like i've been found out so i shouldn't continue jerking off and i would

periodically check um or you could replace you know take that's what i'm thinking you put a little you put a note in there that's right say this was hot why don't you meet me here after work to relive your porno fantasy because you want to be able to catch this person that's white-handed you could say say this was hot to see yeah i see i meet me here after work and then the person shows up thinking it's going to be some sort of circle jerk or at the very least a line jerk that's when two people are sort of cranking it i know the office bathroom and so that turns that person on and then it sort of leads them to there and then you can fire them in a group setting. I actually don't hate that.

What I was also thinking was you can just go whole hog on thinking, you know who it is and write the note that is like no more porn in the bathroom, Ron. And then like Ron will stop. And if it's not, and if it wasn't Ron, then whoever it was will be like wow i almost got caught out i that's too close for comfort i'm not gonna do that anymore thank god they think it's wrong do you replace the magazine with a note or do you just write it with lipstick on the magazine i would replace i would keep the magazine write the note over like the pornographic image. So like whoever it is,

they open it up and they're expecting to see the porn, but instead it's the note. That's cool. It's like a centerfold and it sort of just rolls out of the mag. Remember the centerfolds? Did you ever have a Playboy when you were a kid? I didn't, but some of my friends's dads had them,

and that was sort of exciting to find. Yeah. But I could never... By the time I was 18 to buy the Playboys, we already had the internet. So we had to stumble upon them as a tween. My death threat is a centerfold. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. my death threat is a centerfold my death threat yeah so you leave them sort of a pretty nasty note in this yeah death threat

as a not really a not really a great move for the manager you know that's true that's newly promoted first first order of business has threatened my employees with death for something we're not even sure death is the centerfold that's right uh all right let's take a break come back and um answer a few more questions on the other side of these massages huge quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about uh the ad experience but in order to do that we need to know a little bit more about you our our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we have returned new phone placement or you're sticking with the act two foam placement of the foam boards

behind your computer i think the act two but i'm i'm not sure that it's better than the triangle so we're going to find out we'll only know after it's too late we just have to sort of trust our gut yeah it feels like there's something it's i need something above my head that's you need to hang a robe you need to just basically put the robe over everything. Oh, this is cool. You're wearing the foam thing like a hat now. I'm wearing it like a hat now. And I think this is kind of, this is really where it needs to be.

Right. But obviously it's hard to balance it. Yeah. Because where is the other side balancing if you're, okay, you're holding like a hat. I'll take a picture of this one. So we see. Yeah. All right. Picture taken. balancing if you're okay you're holding like a hat i'll take a picture of this one so we see yeah all right picture taken so people will see what sort of sacrifice you made to record this one it's because now the foam is balanced on my on my computer and the top of my head

it's creating kind of a bridge that's really good actually this might be the best one yet this is i think it's probably going to be the one that sounds the best which is you know this is tough to recreate um yeah it's hard to fucking balance yeah and it's hard on your neck i'm sure because it's a little extra weight while you talk a little bit yeah but it's the other just like unrelated to all of this i'm on like a chair that's breaking yeah so it's all it's all so tenuous plastic desk breaking chair foam balanced on my head yeah it's like this is when we should be leveling up and it seems like you got fired or something and we're trying to like make things happen on our own in like this new studio apartment that you rented in queens or something it's all back to the towel fort days that's what

it feels like yeah if anything the towel fort was ahead of where you are now in that room that's true yeah which which was 10 years ago yeah getting worse but we digress of course yes that was also sort of a a double entendre i guess like basically like we're digressing from the conversation but also like we're digressing in the grand scheme that's really good that's really good um almost golden mike worthy if you hadn't damn so close what happened why did i why did i not get one you got the you didn't get it dirty for phone on or whatever the phone no foam on fear of missing out on noodles yeah and you got the golden mic earlier for a joke you can't even fucking remember it's like yeah it was courses

as the foam starts to slide down your head i guess you deserve the golden mic right i need it man yeah that's all you have at this i need this i really do uh we got another canadian this might be an all canadian episode whoa that's cool uh this is a 20 year old canadian male a 20 year old canadian male exciting um oh we've i feel like we've called somebody wayne gretzky a lot because he's the first canadian i know drake yeah he's canadian yeah um the guy from some 41 uh derrick that's good derrick from some 41 writes uh there's this super cute girl that comes into work pretty regularly because I work at a coffee shop and it's not been super busy so whenever she comes in we get to flirting and last week I asked her out for drinks I ended up having to postpone our date

because I had a bunch of schoolwork to which she replied uh I might regret asking you but how old are you in the heat of the moment I figured i'd round up a few months and i told her i was 21 we ended up grabbing a few drinks a couple days later and it turns out that she's 24 uh it's become a bit of a joke between us that i pretend i don't know any bands formed in the 90s and i figured she has no idea how the internet works we've been out a few times since uh since then and while i had my fair share of opportunities to tell her I'm not actually 21 yet, I've kept it quiet. She keeps mentioning it, mostly in jest about how she feels like she's creeping on a 21-year-old, and I can sense that she's a little insecure about it. Have I screwed myself? How do I tell her now? Do I need to forge a new birth certificate?

I can't help but feel that coming clean might make me look super immature and that a four-year age difference might be too much for her, but is waiting to tell her the truth even worse. It would be difficult to celebrate my 21st birthday soon and have her find out that I lied from the beginning. Much love, Derek from Sum 41. Okay. It seems like earlier is better right like as soon as possible um or do you wait until you're actually 21 so she's like okay well at least now you're 21 i guess that's fine that's kind of how how soon will you be 21 it seems like it's a couple months away took another photo of you why because like the foam is now starting to sort of encroach into the frame and it just it's much more aesthetically interesting yeah it looks like it's weighing you

down and it's starting to sort of like stuff yeah you're getting pushed under the weight of the foam i wonder if my i'm gonna just kind of arrange my hair and beard also to be a little that's good a little sound yeah it's good talking into the sides of my hair that's good that's nice um yeah do you tell her now or do you tell her after you turn 21 then she's like all right you lied to me but now you are actually 21 yeah i guess it's interesting because like when you tell someone earlier your relationship isn't that solid and it's easier for her to call it off yeah but also it is a lie and you could also it could be more detrimental in the future. It'll feel bigger the longer it goes on. Right.

But he can't keep it alive forever because sooner or later they're going to celebrate a birthday. Yeah. And then she'll be like, oh, finally you're 22. And then he's going to have to say, actually, now I'm 21. He could pretend like he didn't know. Oh my God. Wait a minute. Oh my God. Wait a minute.

96, 97. Yeah. You've got to be shitting me. I can't believe it. I guess I repeated the second grade or some weird shit like that. My parents lied to me. I mean, I feel like the difference between 20 and 24 is not that huge.

Like I'm three years older than Jillill it's well the older you get the less of a big deal it is so like 20 to 24 is bigger than like 30 and 34 right but in canada you like i feel like the big thing is really like you want to be able to get a drink with somebody like you isn't the drinking age 18 in Canada? I think it's 19. Either way. Right. So either way, you're good. Yeah.

So it's not as big of a deal as it is in America. So do you say it right away? What would you do? I think I would. It's really hard to come clean. I guess i would i'm trying to put myself in this situation for real what would i do imagine you're not under a foam ceiling right now i think i would i would do it because i would be more afraid of the of it being worse in the future especially if you like her if you actually like

her then i think you have to and she like the difference between 20 to 21 is not huge it's she's already like the difference for her between 24 to 21 it's only one more yeah and it's really just a few months and you could also you yeah you don't have to be like i'm 20 you can also just be like actually i turned 21 um in in three months right well that's what i'm saying if you wait till your birthday you can be like you know how i told you i was 21 and she'll be like yeah and you can be like i am and then she'll be like uh what and then you're like, all right. I came clean. I run the risk of her not thinking that's funny. I think it's great. I am 21 now, which is pretty good. Gotcha. And you're like, I sort of always round up. So, I'm turning 22 in six months.

And then I'll be 22 from that six-month mark to the six-month mark afterwards. So, that's what you would do. You would wait till your birthday. Yeah. Wait till the birthday. That's right. But that's what you would do you would wait till your birthday yeah wait till the birthday that's right but that's just me i'm just obscene nice now this is like everybody you think eminem recorded that album in a room like this with a piece of foam on his head no of course because it sounds pretty good. No, it does not. There's no way he was sitting in a room, an echoey cavernous room with a foam on his head going, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. No way.

Absolutely not. Just follow me. Na, na, na, na. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're saying right away, and I'm saying wait till you're 21. Yeah. And she can't break up with you on your birthday.

That's so fucked up. At the next opportune moment, you just say, oh, by the way, I'm turning 21. That's cool. I'm turning 21. Did I say he was 21? I'm turning 21. I'm gonna be 21. 21-ish.

And if you've misheard that, I'm mad at you for not listening to me. You often just ignore the shit that I say. You sort of turn it back. You don't mad at you for not listening to me you often like just ignore the shit that i say you sort of you don't hear what you don't want to hear that's your problem and i lie so yeah and then if you're mad at her and then she's mad at you you go let's just call this whole thing off it's my birthday let's squash the beef i'm actually 19 you're calling the fight off yeah you create a fight to counteract her fight and then you say let's just squash the beef let's call it off i don't uh yeah uh okay let us know follow up pup on this one too please indeed please we need more follow-up pups don't forget and let's actually read it this time for For real. Okay, that's it.

That's our time. Thank you for listening. Thanks for submitting your questions and theme songs. The email address for all that jazz is ifireashow at gmail.com. Yeah. And if you want more of us, there is more of us on our Patreon. Correct. Patreon.com slash JA.

Yeah. Things are sort of getting lit there because we not only have these um outtakes to the new jake and amir videos but we still have over 180 jake and amir rewatch episodes jesus we have that many episodes yes we also have over 70 video podcasts that we recorded like two years ago that's pretty solid we also have some takes to the new jake and amir's yeah and we have um jake and amir jna amas we have about 35 of those i mean we've done a lot of stuff in the last three years here people god damn yeah check it out and every uh new subscriber actually goes uh toward supporting us making jake andir videos again. So that's helpful too. Indeedo.

Three online now and three more coming out. And then we got to just keep recording. Keep shooting more. Non-stop, maybe. So thanks to everybody that's supported us there. Thanks to everybody that's listening now. And we will be back, of course, next week. Of course. Oh, the outro.

It's a satirical cover of Yesterday by the Beatles. If you could shout out our podcast, Lawn Boys, hosted by three good friends and this guy named Mudsiag. Mudsiag? Sigmund? Mudsiag? I wish I knew. Mudsiag. Mudsiag.

Anyway, shout out to the Lawn Boys. Shout out to Yesterday by the Beatles. Enjoy this cover. We'll be back. Bye. Peace. I get it from a podcast show. Oh, I believe in these two guys. Suddenly, I'm not half the chipmunk I used to be. There's a Starbucks hanging over me. Oh, yesterday came sodomly

Why she had to go I don't know, I need advice I said something weird Now I long for a mere Yesterday Now I long for Amir Yesterday, D&D was such an easy game to play Now Nyack needs a place to hide away Oh I believe in Yugo And you go why she had to go

You would know I need advice I said something weird Now I long for a mere yesterday Amir yesterday I didn't know what to do in came the advice of these two Jews oh I believe and if I were you

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