Segments - 507: Candles (w/Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

Friend and host of the Headgum Podcast, Geoffrey James, joins us to discuss air conditioning, small towns, and our first live show in years! Tickets at headgum.com/liveSee omnystudio.com/list...ener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Original. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. J.J. Gannivere
Starting point is 00:00:42 If I were you you I'd listen up But then I am quite clear So here's this awesome podcast Presented by these Jews Reminding us to seize the cheese to bounce And yo, do you You gotta earn this booty Wow
Starting point is 00:01:00 I really thought he was Irish I thought he was Scottish I thought he was a Scotsman yeah but he is he is at the end it didn't sound like an action remind he did yeah so he it's like this opposite thing where usually you can't hear the accent until you're talking you could only hear the accent when he was singing and not when he was interesting did he have an accent when he was talking uh i don't know because you were fucking like, you were barely listening and it was distracting me and then I couldn't hear it. Jeff, did he?
Starting point is 00:01:31 You couldn't hear it because I wasn't listening? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Jeff, did he have an accent or not? Don't just sit there between us waiting for fucking mommy and daddy to stop talking. Like chime in, say something. I was waiting for an introduction, a proper introduction with my credits. Everything I've ever done in the entertainment industry and elsewhere. Yeah, you know this guy from Hardly or Off Day's Joast Busters.
Starting point is 00:01:55 Yeah. He was in a commercial with Kumail once. Yeah. I think it's because we know Vinny or something. Correct. He fucking did us a favor, put you in an ad once. You're not verified on Instagram. you're not verified on instagram you're not verified on tiktok yeah you're a nobody man a plebeian guy who's i guess semi-successful for his age more or less because yeah as he gets older, the less he does, the more... You at 20 was really something.
Starting point is 00:02:27 It was like, wow. That was his kid, I said. This kid is skyrocketing. Now what are you, 21? This fucking golden child. He's on one. Oh my god. You're over the hill. So we're all over 22?
Starting point is 00:02:42 Talentless hacks. Both of you. I think we're all over 22 here? Talentless hacks. Both of you. I think we're all over. Talentless hacks, the both of you. Why? Because I saw the Jake and Amir NFTs episode, and it's actually not pleasing to the ears and eyes. Really?
Starting point is 00:02:57 That's as yet to be released. You got a sneak peek. You've soured me on comedy. I'm pivoting to music. We inspired you. I'm pivoting to music. We inspired you. I'm singing in the rain. Just sing. What's that?
Starting point is 00:03:11 This is the beginning of the turn. That's actually an inspired turn. That could be huge, actually. Speaking of music, that guy wrote this email in from Dublin. And he says, this might be your first Irish submission Jake do you know why he might say that? Is it sort of a riddle? No
Starting point is 00:03:30 First Irish submission Jeff do you have any guesses? Why did this person write this might be your first Irish submission? I don't know but that's not true for me because I once was domed by a woman named O'Flaherty Yeah he was talking about it. So she sort of That's not true for me because I once was domed by a woman named O'Flaherty.
Starting point is 00:03:46 Yeah, he was talking about. So she sort of gagged and tied me up. Yeah, you subbed. I get it. And I also subbed to write for an Irish TV show. The answer is, and everybody can play this riddle at home too. Why does this person think it might be our first irish submission the answer because he emailed us this theme song in 2013 there you go that's right we had just started
Starting point is 00:04:14 the podcast jeff was four yeah we were in our late 30s uh and i didn't find this guy's submission until today because i searched the word theme instead of song to see if there's anything that we missed and I never read this guy's email from August of 2013. What are the odds he still listens to the show? I replied to him. What are the odds he's alive? I replied and I said,
Starting point is 00:04:38 you're never going to believe this, but we just found this email and we'll use it for the next episode. Are you still alive? And did he respond he replied and what did he say yeah that's so funny i'm pretty much alive i can't even remember what song this is but yeah use it can you also can you shout out my improv team vhs we have a monthly show called the improvised blockbuster starting next Thursday at the Etcetera Theatre in Camden, London.
Starting point is 00:05:07 Wow. So he actually has something to promote right now for next month. That's incredible. How cool is that? And it's in London. He's left up. Yeah. Good on you.
Starting point is 00:05:17 Yeah, maybe that's what you were sort of picking up on was his hesitancy to use his full Irish breakfast, Killian's Irish Londoner, with an improvised blockbuster to boot. What? What? What did you just do? That was a Manchester accent, I think, too. Really? I was trying to do Liverpool.
Starting point is 00:05:36 No, no, don't give up. When you do something like that, you have to power through. Killian's Irish Londoner? What you do is you do these big swings, they don't work, and then you give up, and you look defeated,
Starting point is 00:05:44 so we have to build you back up. Yeah, I don't want to do these big swings. They don't work, and then you give up, and you look defeated, so we have to build you back up. Yeah, I don't want to do the stupid accent anymore unless you guys like it. That was awful. I hated it. You said Killian's Irish Londoner. You're redeemable. That doesn't mean anything.
Starting point is 00:05:56 I understand you're from the Killian's Irish backdrops of the 80s Camden Londoners. Oi, we're doing improv at the Blockbuster Theatre. Come down, one and all. Ew. Knock you off. It's more than enough of the accent of the character. You're embarrassing me.
Starting point is 00:06:16 Why? Because you don't do characters. You do these voices and you spew nonsense. It's like at least Jake like, Jake reinvents himself and this is something that I wanted to commend you on i was thinking about this earlier oh thank you like the whole the commercial directing angle was so to me inspirational to see that you yeah it was a pivot but it was no it was an addition because you didn't stop doing what worked and so i didn't
Starting point is 00:06:39 it's a building block yes exactly you're lily padding your way to success and i just i want you to know that I appreciate to see that. Yeah. That's awesome. I'm looking into doing design work. Seeing me
Starting point is 00:06:52 juxtaposed with a mirror style. Killian's Irish Londoner. Yeah, man. That was me, basically. That's so good.
Starting point is 00:07:04 Yeah. I mean, I make the accent work. It's kind of weird when he does it. Amir, what basically. That's so good. Yeah. I mean, I make the accent work. It's kind of neat. Yeah. I mean, what were you saying? I wasn't listening. I was saying that I also, I'm starting to do freelance design work, web design. Do you have an example, like a physical sample?
Starting point is 00:07:20 Nothing yet. I'm still sort of figuring out my portfolio. That's what a portfolio is. I'm not starting out my portfolio. That's what a portfolio is. We're not starting to do anything. Yes, exactly. And I'm working on the portfolio. Because I'll have a portfolio. And I'll actually have a Rolodex that includes the portfolio.
Starting point is 00:07:38 I'll have different sketches in the portfolio. It'll be a Manila portfolio. You don't even have the portfolio yet? I don't need the portfolio yet. Because I haven't designed it. You're don't need the portfolio yet because i haven't you're thinking about i'm thinking about getting a folder right you want a folio you want a folio and you want to say that you do design but you don't even have the fucking folio manila thing that you use to organize your shit it's a folio okay that's a folio. Okay. That's a folio. So why are you, like, getting so upset?
Starting point is 00:08:07 Because he did. Because you don't even know what it is and you think you need it. He did, like, Vogue. He did things for Vogue. He did things for Oral-B or some, like, dentist thing. Yes, and I'm on my fucking way to Staples. And you're considering buying a folio. You haven't even chosen. I'm going to go to a store and I'll get a divider, actually.
Starting point is 00:08:22 How dope is that? A fucking folder and dividers. I really don't think so. Actually a D-ring binder. So you're just doing a back to school shopping trip. Are you going to get an eraser? I am. I'm going to get a protractor, a D-ring, a binder, dividers, and a
Starting point is 00:08:38 folio. And a mechanical pencil to this. That's really good. You were talking Danny's ear off the other day at the office about maybe buying a trapper keeper. I'm thinking about it. I's really good. Yeah, you were talking Danny's ear off the other day at the office about maybe buying a Trapper Keeper. I'm thinking about it. I am really thinking about it. Are you going back to school? You're Billy Madison-ing.
Starting point is 00:08:53 That's right. But I'm going the other way down. Your dad made a weird bet with one of his exec friends. I'm going to go 12th grade back down to K. That's the only difference. That's good. All right. The reverses if I were you.
Starting point is 00:09:08 The only advice pod on the web hosted by me and Jake. And today we're joined by Jeffrey himself. The dumbass. Thanks for having me. It's always fun doing this show. It's not over. It's just starting. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:21 We should say we're hitting the road together. Jeff and I are coming to New York. Jake's already there, but we're doing a live HeadGum podcast. Correct. Yeah. That's correct. So plug it up top, and then I'll plug it at the end. The HeadGum podcast.
Starting point is 00:09:35 It's like If I Were You, but more manic. Yeah. If you can believe that. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. It's more manic. You're a little bit of a...
Starting point is 00:09:46 Scoundrel, yeah. Yeah, you're a diabolical circus master. A ringleader of sorts. Yeah, you're the ringleader. It's become... And Jeff's sort of in charge of this insane quasi-game show that people rarely win or lose. It's a British panel show
Starting point is 00:10:06 hosted by a moron. Everybody! How did you... He hacked into the Zoom. He's playing. I'll be recording those sounds. You have to send me them now and I have to edit them in.
Starting point is 00:10:23 I'm recording them. Alright, cool. So it'll be on your track in a way in a way um that's cool but i don't want to sorry everybody i don't want to take away from your show you're fucking commentating this show you're taking over this let's have a good time let's get to know each other a little more wait not gonna you're not the guest you're the you're the guest you're not the host you're just crazy. You're taking over this show. Let's have a good time. Let's get to know each other a little more. Wait, you're not the guest. You're the guest. You're not the host. No, I'm saying... You're starting to direct the conversation. I'd like to hear where this is going.
Starting point is 00:10:52 What I'm saying is that we've known each other for, what, five years now? Yeah. But there's things about you guys that I don't know. So throughout this show, let's just get to know each other a little bit more. That's all I'm saying. Have you guys played Jake or Cake? I'm going to send you back. this is a picture of a twinkie or jake's twinkie ass dick you know he has a little cream filled puff pastry oh that's funny oh come on it's really good really nice
Starting point is 00:11:17 because the cum is the real mature and basically it's like yeah the thickness is sort of like a twinkie yeah it's spongy yeah yeah okay that's it's also the yeah it's the consistency it's funny it's funny to talk about it's string wrap funny yeah it's yeah that's right there's a cookie crumble almost and that's sort of your pubes yeah let's put this to rest right now i'll show you guys oh gangrene on the dick absolute gangrene you have gout on your snout that's what I'm about really good
Starting point is 00:11:54 anal gangrene gainal green what is this show the show is questions answers let's try to answer let's try to focus a little bit this isn't the head gum podcast although we should say that tickets are available at headgum.com live all right this is an email address uh sorry this is an email we received not eight years ago but eight days ago whoa yeah very recent. It's pretty fucking low budget, which made me laugh.
Starting point is 00:12:25 It's just called My Brother Won't Take Off His Jacket. That's this person's problem. He's a 22-year-old male. So, Jeff, do you have any friends who are 22-year-old males? I know you're 23, but do you hang out with anybody that's actually younger than you? Yeah, Billy Brick. Really? He's 22
Starting point is 00:12:45 damn younger and he's been in movies and shit too right like have you been in any movies i did a i did sort of a promo material yeah for uh for a feature and then everybody thought i was in the future and i'm not yeah uh all right billyick writes, I'm a 22-year-old. Because he's in an A24 movie, yeah. Yeah. With a genuine question for two, now three genuine guys. I got my brother a job working with me at a factory, and it's great because we can carpool together because he doesn't have a car, and he even pitches in with gas. Awesome.
Starting point is 00:13:20 Here's the issue. It's getting to be colder out, and I need the heat on so as to not fog up the windows, but my brother hates the issue. he doesn't feel like he's overheating and he lets all the heat out. It's wasting heat and my windows will start to fog up and it's starting to cause tension. And I have begin to lock the windows and control it myself. And it would work except for one thing. He always wears a winter coat. It's this large leather coat that retains heat well. I told him if it was hot to take off the jacket, but he made some comment about it being comfortable. So here's my question. How do I get through winter with him being this way?
Starting point is 00:14:08 Am I an asshole for not making sure he's comfortable in my car? Help. So this guy won't take off his jacket, and then he sort of complains about the heat. Do you guys run hot or cold? Do you guys prefer hot or freezing? Jake, let's say it at the same time. Let's say it at the same time.
Starting point is 00:14:24 I'm perfectly... Three, two, one. one medium right in the middle you were so much delayed yeah you're not happy to have the same answer it wasn't special it wasn't the zoom because it was delayed even beyond the normal delay because jake said medium and then you said cold and medium so it seems like you sort of you veered off as soon as you heard Jake answer. Yeah. Like why, why is it important to match like my body temperature?
Starting point is 00:14:50 We could have other things in common. No, just so we connect in a way that like helps the podcast out. But I'm medium aside from all that, I'm medium for sure. It would help the podcast out. I run extremely hot. So I empathize with this guy's roommate, the guy he's complaining about.
Starting point is 00:15:02 A hundred percent. You like, if it's like 40 degrees out, let's open the windows and make it fucking cold in this house. You don't like artificial heat. Yeah. I wonder if that's a real thing, running hot. Like, is your body temperature actually hotter
Starting point is 00:15:17 or do you just experience it differently? It is. My normal resting temperature is 99. Really? Yeah. How do you know that? That must have been hard like hard during covid every time they're taking temperatures you're like on the cusp and then you actually got
Starting point is 00:15:30 covid which couldn't then i got the vi yeah yeah um i was like 102 at a certain point that's yeah very hot no but i keep my room at a nice 67 oh wow so ac running pretty much all the time yeah yeah and anytime i get in my car or my truck i should say nice oh yeah you god we haven't fucking talked i feel like we have jeff actually we do have a lot in common jeff you copped a 2000 tacoma or 2001 2000 what year is it uh 2003 2003 very very cherry It's literally the truck that you used to drive. Yeah. Different color way. You got the beige.
Starting point is 00:16:10 No, I got the green. The champagne. Oh, you got green? I have the same exact fucking truck as you. Wow. But really what happened was that I had an insanely high credit card bill because we hadn't been paid ad money that we're still owed. So I needed to free up some cash to pay that off so i sold my rav and i got this old tacoma
Starting point is 00:16:29 wow and then there were two there was silver and green silver and green so what should this guy do sorry about that money situation you were in jack in i'm trying to sing my i sing my way out i'm trying to make cash from singing but yeah this is oh fuck is it wait wow that is jake's old car yeah that's yeah that's the exact same fucking car anyway ac is always blasting in that thing same license plate too you like it are you i love it it's awesome uh i've done a couple things with like the bed like i drove uh billy and finn finally moved to la so we like i drove them down to get ice cream from their place and they sat in the bed it was like a movie moment
Starting point is 00:17:09 I love ice cream let uncle Amir into the car I don't want to blow up his spot I was going to say let uncle Amir in the car you did say that you're over twice Finn's age it's weird when you even like speak with him he was born when you were 20 that's fucking gross i don't we can do it's actually it's actually foul
Starting point is 00:17:33 that you call yourself uncle amir yeah i am an uncle it's not like i'm an uncle to him i'm just saying yeah i have you have nibblings they're called, actually. What? No. No way. It's true. Avital just told me about that word. Gender neutral niece and nephew is a nibbling. Kind of fun. Wow.
Starting point is 00:17:56 It's gender neutral, but it sounds absolutely illegal to say. Uncle Amir wants another nibbling. I would love to go with you all. Don't say that even near Finn. Like, that's someone you would, I don't know. Like, yeah, you end up on a fucking list. This is also like such a small thing, but like brush your hair. Because you look disheveled and bad. And you're a professional.
Starting point is 00:18:18 I'm working from home. So like I don't like feel the need to like manicure, pedicure, sort of do me up right. I'm not even wearing pants. Are you not? I'm being comfortable in my own skin, at least with what you're wearing. No. My little... Move your computer down.
Starting point is 00:18:36 I want to see what you're wearing. He has a Twinkie penis. That's insane. It's actually called a nibbling. Oh, that's really good. Thank you. So yeah, so this guy, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:56 Nice. The applause. You're stealing the show. You're literally stealing the show. I think this guy's in the wrong. No, it's, if you're driving he's driving right you're in charge no you're driving you're in charge you get to control uh everything you know you try to make it as comfortable as you can for the passenger within reason but if it's fogging up
Starting point is 00:19:19 your window if you're shivering it's that's not fair and your passenger is wearing a jacket he's wearing a leather coat to a factory yeah i think the issue is really it's the long leather jacket that's and you're running hot so it's kind of sweaty it's like stuck to him in a certain way but you've got to just ask him to peel it off tell him you'll help him uh and and you can get that off you know the other thing that i wanted to mention i there, it's this transitional time, the summer to fall, that has a lot of, you know, it's hard to regulate. But once it's actually cold, I think you and your brother will both be in the same page. The other thing you could do is that you could wear a jacket.
Starting point is 00:19:59 Yeah, that's the thing. I think it should always be seated to the person who's overheating, is that you cannot take your... Sorry, it was barely an interruption. It's just you had me on, so it's like if you're not going to hear me out. I am, I was building on it. Seated to the overheated. It's hard to get a word in edgewise sometimes when I'm on a show with Amir.
Starting point is 00:20:22 Yeah, when you're on this show with Amir, I'm always on this show. I think, yeah, I think it should be ceded to the person who's overheating because you cannot take your skin off, but you can take a coat off. But yeah, he could take the jacket off. He shouldn't, that guy shouldn't be wearing the jacket
Starting point is 00:20:40 and that's where he's going wrong. But like, if you're cold, just put a jacket on. If you're hot, but you're on a t-shirt, you can't do anything. So I think turn the AC on. Turn the AC on. Turn it on. You're not allowed to hang out with Finn either.
Starting point is 00:20:58 Really? Yeah. We're trying to protect him. It's the mustache. Do you guys have leather jackets i just sent you guys a photo of uh one that i've been trying to cop uh it's sort of a leather jacket what's that it looks like one of those puffy jackets it's leather puffer yeah with they make leather puffers oh yeah isn't leather too stiff to be puffed in this way you can loosen leather i feel like we're
Starting point is 00:21:28 getting off track i've never heard everybody you just sent us a photo you're introducing your own soundboard to our fucking podcast it's not it's co-option it's appropriation. It's not... It's co-option. It's appropriation. And it's not appropriate. All right. That's more than enough. That's absolutely more than enough.
Starting point is 00:21:57 Jake, do you have a leather jacket? No. I think last fall or the fall before that, I was contemplating suede. Why'd you yell that to Jill? Gateway. She vetoed it. That's why. I was thinking about a suede, but she vetoed it.
Starting point is 00:22:20 Yeah. I was persuade otherwise. No way. It's really good. Nice. D otherwise. No way. It's really good. Nice. Dwayne Suede. That's good. Do you wear, ever wore, does you or Rodney ever wore leather as a jacket?
Starting point is 00:22:36 Is there a leather jacket in Rodney's closet? I haven't, I don't, I can't pull off a leather jacket. I think I'd love to be able to, but I think if you're not a rock band and everyone thinks that but some but you pull off you take much big like you take fashion swings like you have overalls you wear like robes you have smoking jackets i mean you have shoulder length hair and a mustache right now i feel like that's you should get it i mean at the very least I'd love to see you in a suede. Oh, I would do a suede in a day. Let's you and I, when I'm in New York for the show,
Starting point is 00:23:14 by the way, October 22nd, live HeadGum podcast, 7 p.m. Tickets on sale now. HeadGum.com slash live. We should go to Soho, of all places, and get a hide that is considered none other than suede. A cowhide? Yeah yeah yeah cowhide coat that sounds really fucking i think shearling is underrated to me to wear we gotta yeah we gotta take the pilot jacket i like that i like the shoe we do have to take a break but um i think shearling yeah i know shearlings you guys know Indie Darlings?
Starting point is 00:23:46 We really, really, really, really have to take a break now. So you guys can talk about this shit that can't happen while I'm saying. I want to wear a windy shearling. We'll be back. To an Indie Darlings. If you want to holler. Oh, that's good. BRB.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. be thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's
Starting point is 00:24:35 right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some
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Starting point is 00:26:37 then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. And we're back. Jeff, do you have any? Oh, it's a lot. Mom, I'm coming.
Starting point is 00:26:59 Gross. God damn it. Do you guys have anything or do you do one uh you don't yeah yeah it's just we've been sort of scraping the bottom of the barrel i think at one point jake was just like i've got a season less okay yeah let's hear yours um oh god i have two can i do both yeah please one spend a little bit of extra money to join a gym that you enjoy being at. That's not where you should cut costs because if you cut costs, you're not going to go to the gym. I just joined a gym that has machines that the climbing gym doesn't have, and it's $45 a month, which is like kind of a lot.
Starting point is 00:27:42 Double what 24-hour fitness is. To me, it's worth it because most of it's outdoors, so you don't have to wear a mask. It has nice turf, nice new machines. Everybody's cool. Let me fucking finish. What gym is this? I think it's good. That's all I was going to say. I'd like to know what gym it is.
Starting point is 00:28:01 It's called Everybody. Get mad at everybody. Everybody, everybody, get to it. Get stupid. I'd like to know what gym it is It's called everybody Everybody Everybody Get to it Get stupid Everybody Get stupid Get started
Starting point is 00:28:15 This is an ad for the gym That's me walking in tomorrow Everybody Everybody Right? I can get behind that advice i think that's good i think that's good advice you want to feel excited about going to the gym yeah the gym it's dangerous in that like you know working out is hard so it's pretty easy to to talk yourself out of it if you don't like being there yeah but i really like i like being at my gym yeah well your gym is
Starting point is 00:28:45 oh my god it's it's the one reason i want to move to new york jesus what about me you obviously idolized me you bought my car truck first of all you wouldn't fucking move to i'll hang out with you if you move to new york that's not for me that's not a plus because then i'm it's like hanging out with your boss it's like now i'm suddenly feeling like i have to talk about work and then like if i've messed up at work that day and then we're going to get a drink that night then it's a residual weirdness i seek validation all the time so i like give you a promotion give you a raise you know you talk to me about work i'm like what can we do you'll be running the company soon enough yeah i got an email today from Equinox.
Starting point is 00:29:25 He was saying you and I could host a fancy gym. The second unsolicited advice is buy a candle. The second unsolicited advice is buy a candle. You don't have to. But if you have it, you have the air about you. That the air around you is nice to smell
Starting point is 00:29:45 okay i am gonna come out against candles interesting holy shit i don't like seeing them unlit around my house they look like garbage to me they look like little pieces of litter and trash and this is jake talking to j Jill as she lays a nice one down. Yeah, this is from Malabo. It's garbage. Yes. It is a wax trash, man.
Starting point is 00:30:18 In a suede jacket. Sweating his cigarette indoors. That's what the majority of the renovation process was like was jill would show you two options for a sconce and you'd be like these are both garbage sconces for you to have chosen to me by extension you are garbage to me i'm slowly becoming a cowboy jake what about a lit candle i don't hate a lit candle when I walk into a room. I think that's nice. And I think that's the trade-off.
Starting point is 00:30:50 But I don't like candles as decoration during the day. If they're not lit, they ain't shit. That's what I say about candles. Oh, that's good. Anything that rhymes is good, by the way. Yeah, that's true. What about if your candle's unlit? I think that's it. That's the opposite. It still rhymes. Do I think that's it. Like, that's the opposite.
Starting point is 00:31:05 It still rhymes. Do you think that's true? Jeffrey? You sort of made a proclamation, and I'm trying to debunk it. Stop listening to me. So I guess you're kind of winning the argument. I have another piece. I've got unsolicited advice this week, too, actually.
Starting point is 00:31:22 Really? I've been enjoying a quiet lunch. Oh, really? Anybody out there also enjoy a quiet lunch? And you're sort of trying to spin it into something interesting? No, well, sometimes, no, like when you eat by yourself, when everyone's working from home or you're not on the same schedule as your friend or whatever, you eat your lunch.
Starting point is 00:31:42 But then, like, what do you do? You eat it in front of your computer. You, like like eat it while you're looking on your phone yeah and i'm trying to find little pockets of my life where i'm like using technology passively and cut that out yeah so lunch was a big one i'd be like okay i'm gonna eat lunch that's a nice time to look at my uh phone and distractions but then like work things they'll pile in so you know you talk to people or you just sit and eat and that's it you try to be mindful um no i've i've they've all been lunches by myself so i don't i don't talk to anyone i just sort of like look around and i reflect and i think and i eat my food and if i get really bored i'll fire up youtube go on my phone right
Starting point is 00:32:22 i have my ipad you're doing it right about a phone and an ipad virtual reality goggles kind of enter a fap dungeon i do i don't actually yeah can you tell us about your lasik yeah i will but not yet later yeah in the episode that's something to keep them your little if you're just tuning in stay tuned for jeff's lasik story okay and now they're not going to turn it off right yeah okay so we'll do it after the next break yeah but before then we can answer a question yeah i know i like the mindful lunch thing you do i like that i haven't tried that i should i think for me i've been trying to get off technology and screens because like i don't know tried that i should i think for me i've been trying to get off technology
Starting point is 00:33:05 and screens because like i don't know podcast records this should be in person but it isn't because well let's be honest marty hasn't set up the studio yet but uh also it's like for a year we had to do these over zoom and so like i want that human connection that human ish so lunch will be with danny lunch will be with cohen you know so are you you're going into the office is it every day like two days a week because if we have to. So you're going into the office, is it every day? Like two days a week. Because if we have to record we can't go into the office because we don't have a studio. I'm angry about it.
Starting point is 00:33:32 I'll be openly angry about that. That makes sense. Yeah. Wow, I've never seen him this upset. No, Marty said that he ordered it a while ago and it just hasn't come yet. I've had the opposite problem where the studio is the only place i can record because when i don't record there i've been
Starting point is 00:33:51 transient my office at my house is like not set up yet yeah so now for the now it like feels good to record here i hope it sounds good it sounds good to me fucking hope so yeah yeah you put up some sound dampening shit so it should be less echo that's right before we before we move on from candles though these are my three candle recommendations they're all very expensive but they're all worth it and they last a while blind barber tompkins candle get the large one it lasts a lifetime that's this blue one that i just showed you guys how expensive was it 72 dollars maison louis marie number four sandalwood really expensive 36 dollars oh it's not as bad as i thought those two are the best and then there's the chateau marmont candle 65 dollars and you bought all three but they all smell so good yeah do you light them in the morning like is it is are they lit right now one of them is yeah you just have them going are they and do you
Starting point is 00:34:51 all day i've i've got a question yeah are you never like all three at the same time no that would be too lighting one depending on the mood depending on yes and they are all very sexy really so you will you do that as you're about to like masturbate alone um you gotta stop bringing up the fapping thing especially if it's with an employee you really cannot ask him how he does that jeff is unfortunately i'm a freelancer yeah yeah so he can kind of do whatever he wants all right i can ask sure i mean also we've been on we've been on his show we asked for a better sex life yeah but that's that's it going up i'm afraid you can't i can't remember ask him if i'm sorry yeah i was saying we can't
Starting point is 00:35:32 ask our um employees but they can necessarily do whatever they want upward i think right um anyway how do you yeah how do you crank it yeah how do i whack it you took all the fun out of it light a candle lift up the mattress fleshlight stamina training kit shoved into between the mattress and the bed and i am thrusting i mean i'm going to town on it man it's unbelievable no lube. No lube. I asked if you lit candles while you jerked off. Amir is the one that asked how you did it specifically. Edging myself.
Starting point is 00:36:10 Because unk is in control the whole time. Your uncle comes back. No, your uncle, Amir, I'm unk. I hate it. Because I'm, yeah. Yeah. I don't like them for masturbating, but for sex, for sure. And throughout the day, you know?
Starting point is 00:36:31 Okay, get into it. Because Lionel Richie. Lionel Richie is another unsolicited advice. We don't have to, yeah. One was enough. During sex. Two was great. And three, I think you're just overstepping your bounds and
Starting point is 00:36:45 overstaying your welcome actually and you're not welcome because you didn't say thank you understood asked and answered jesus i woke up to a text from you saying we need you to come on the show so we can promote the head gum live episodes in New York, which are not selling well. Yeah. A nice peek behind the curtain, to be sure. And I appreciate that. Like, that's that behind-the-scenes shit that I think our audience really craves.
Starting point is 00:37:14 Don't say that's that when it's a really sad situation. Yeah. That's that funeral shit. Yeah. That's that funeral home shit. That's that crying to yourself on public transit well nadpod sold out in like two hours right uh less yeah but yeah but sorry yeah yeah no it's like 40 minutes but yeah no i get it and headgum live is opening for nadpod so as the nadpod
Starting point is 00:37:41 fervor heats up people will just sort sort of leak into the head gum pod live show yeah so i mean we're at what half sold out already for uh the hg live so by the time like people realize that this is the only way to be in the same room as murph even if it's not while they're doing their nad pod thing right even if just like while the shows are like yeah shifting over or something that's gonna be at the same building. Yeah. So you're going to want to get those tickets fast. I was getting a hat.
Starting point is 00:38:11 Why? Because I was going to like. You're wearing headphones. I know. It fits right over. You can't put the hat. You fucking interrupted yourself. Put them over the headphones.
Starting point is 00:38:20 Knocked your mic around, grabbed a hat, and put it on over your head. I'm wearing a hat. It's a nice hat to have. It's fun to have a hat. You can't be confident. It's fine. You wouldn't even notice if I came on here and I was just wearing a hat like this, right? It looks like a normal hat.
Starting point is 00:38:41 I probably would have said something. It doesn't at all. It looks like it's a toddler's fit yeah it's sitting really high it looks like you yeah it's like that hat that used to have ice cream in it that you are now wearing which actually brings us back to the whole ice cream thing like where did you guys go and why was an uncle amir invited to that the the little trollop down the it doesn't bring us back there it brings you bring you drag us back there because you won't let it go do they have vanilla it's not like a natural segue was it yes they had vanilla
Starting point is 00:39:11 it wasn't jenny's something more artisanal ew let's fucking do another question people are gonna be mad at me that I came on and we didn't get to questions. I've never seen him smile genuinely. He smiles in this way that's both nervous and like unsure. You're phased. You're always phased. He makes people uncomfortable. We need a lady's name. Luck.
Starting point is 00:39:41 Luck be a lady tonight. Luck writes. Long time, no time time here's my problem i recently moved home to dallas to be closer to my family and stumbled into the interview process for an amazing wildlife conservation job that i think i would love the only problem is i'd have to move alone to a tiny republican town in the middle of texas an hour from my current spot i'm a 23 year old female for context do you think moving away from your friends and family and the big city life that I love is worth it for a job that I think I'll truly love that I cannot get elsewhere? Or do I
Starting point is 00:40:15 choose a happy work life? Sorry, should I choose a happy work life or a happy social life? It feels like no matter what I choose, I'm sacrificing what should i do thanks love luck luck that's tough it's a tough one have you guys how far out of dallas should she say uh like an hour outside of dallas do it do it i live an hour away from some of my friends in la and i don't see them very often but i i can you what what was that good i don't usually make fun of people for misspeaking because it's you know it's not easy yes you do that was insane it was could and can i know i don't often make fun i do not yeah i do not would you guys really try not to chide anybody i guess it's like you got your dream job jake but it's in new jersey jeff you get your dream job but it's in fucking
Starting point is 00:41:10 san diego no smaller city than that it's in pomona chatsworth riverside irvine would you guys take it yeah a hundred percent really but that's also i also think because she's 23 like you only probably have to work this job for a year or two and then can probably move to a similar job in an urban area or like transfer or something like do it also does it pay well because cash is kind of king what's that yeah but now we're outside of dallas maybe dallas is expensive yeah maybe in rural rural texas it's if money goes a longer way i think you've you've been doing what you've been doing for a decent amount of time. So it's always fun to change it up.
Starting point is 00:41:48 Yeah. I know I would do it. You would live by yourself in a small city? Upstate New York? Like Suffern or something for a year? What did you just take, Jeffrey? What was that? He just popped a liquid and now he's sweating.
Starting point is 00:42:01 He's fucking microdosing on the podcast. This is insane. What was that? Was that acid? Was it acid? It's CBD because you make me anxious. Okay, okay. I didn't know you had to be medicated to be around, Uncle Amir.
Starting point is 00:42:19 But that kind of hurts to see and hear. I'm sorry that I make you feel that way, I guess. Damn. So you subscribe for me? Or is that usually you have a general anxiety about being around other people and shit? Just you. I don't have social anxiety. Yeah, me.
Starting point is 00:42:37 It's your anxiety. Fear. It's a fear of Uncle Amir. A fear of Blumenfeld. That's good. A fear. Blumenfeld. That's good. A fear. My cousin, Ofear. Oh, that's good stuff.
Starting point is 00:42:53 That's funny. It sucks to hear, but that's really funny. It's funny. Yeah. I don't think I would live in a shitty city by myself. I think that would be too kind of sad. No one said it was shitty. No one said it was shitty. No one said it was shitty.
Starting point is 00:43:06 She said it was a tiny Republican town and she didn't have to sacrifice for social life. Well, I think that living an hour outside of a place is not sacrificing your social life. Yeah, I think any more than an hour. You get to work Monday through Friday. On the weekends, you can go into Dallas, crash with a friend, spend a day there. Every city outside of Dallas is Fort Worthless. You chose this question so you could say that. She's actually outside of.
Starting point is 00:43:38 Yeah. She's in Dover, Delaware. When you tilted your laptop screen down to show us your Twinkie dick, there was a note that said the exact words you just uttered. Fort Worthless, yeah. Yeah. Sorry about that. I shouldn't have derailed the show. And I am sorry about making you ill at ease, please.
Starting point is 00:43:58 Let's take a break for a day and come back tomorrow. Let's go to fucking couple therapy and come back tomorrow but for them it'll be right after these messages let's go to fucking couple therapy and come back we'll be right back after these words thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah Jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point exactly
Starting point is 00:44:21 eons it feels like so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.
Starting point is 00:44:54 They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:11 But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.
Starting point is 00:45:34 Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're
Starting point is 00:46:10 ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online,
Starting point is 00:46:52 now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people and we're back I think I'm a better person now I don't know I talked to I got a lot of shit off my chest is all and I don't think you're gonna have to need
Starting point is 00:47:15 to take that that blue that's not how therapy is supposed to work by the way yeah yeah I thought I did for two and a half hours in the parking lot of a couple's therapy and i don't want to know your relationship woes it helped to have you guys there and i appreciate it all right jeff let's hear your lasik story is it a basic story and we're back all that progress gone another swig of thc i think it was similar to your guys's um i they did the thing where they
Starting point is 00:47:48 put the like ring around the eye suck it um and then slice it yeah dice it sliced it no lasers i will use a laser to slice it oh okay yeah all right well yeah all right great and then they have yeah they have blades and that's fucking scary yeah um and this is when i can't see yet because i haven't had the laser part but i can see an or a foreign object coming down i know it's a scalpel or some bullshit um but uh and then like they move me over to the laser and they say the green light's your friend i was like right and at that point i'm just worried about me fucking it up because it's all machine automated and you know foolproof no human error is possible at this point other than me blinking or moving my eye where like lasers the white of my eye luckily didn't and they said that uh i did they were like it was incredible because i the
Starting point is 00:48:35 xanax hadn't kicked in yet because they gave it to me late and they were like it was they did the same thing with me yeah it's like yeah we're gonna give you a xanax so you're not nervous i'm like okay great they gave it to me and they're like come this way i'm like it's not it's not yeah it's gonna take an hour and i'll it hit me when i was in the car and i it was the worst but uh anyway who picked you up finn and billy uh no my buddy aj picked me up aj from uh when in new york he was with me yeah i love aj um guy and yeah it was just you know it was normal it was uh they looked at the green light 18 seconds all it took i I liked that they did this too. They were like, engaging laser, 1%, 40%, 60%, 90%.
Starting point is 00:49:14 Done. Critical failure. Critical failure. Twisting red siren lights. Everybody else leaves the room. What? They just fucking lock it and you see everyone peering back through the glass, horrified. A gas fills the room.
Starting point is 00:49:29 What is it? I did feel like I was in a sci-fi novel or something. But yeah, it was great. It was short, painless. And then now my eyes are like still have some broken blood vessels that are healing. So I still look crazy and I have to preface. Anytime I'm in public, I'll be like getting coffee. And I'm like, I just got LASIK,IK by the way I'm not like dying or high uh and um people are like oh I
Starting point is 00:49:50 didn't notice until you said it and then I just make an ass out of myself it's sunset junction yeah bringing back the pirate anyway can I have a cold brew I'm not high or dying um but truly one of the best decisions of my life um And now we've all got it. Yeah, you can see perfectly. Yeah, and I'm not having to wear the eye shield anymore. And then I'm almost done with my medicated drops. I end those on this upcoming Tuesday, the day after this airs. So now I'm just doing the artificial tears.
Starting point is 00:50:17 So like everything's kind of calming down. Yeah, wow. Pretty fun. And what about your lipo flow? Lipo flow will continue after this short break. Marty. No, we're not taking a break. I saw, you can tell, if you watch it, you can see his eyes stay engaged.
Starting point is 00:50:39 And we're back. The fucking lipo flow thing comes in. I have to do it, I think think twice a year from now on going forward wow that's pretty good not bad yeah so what's the next small price to pay what's the next thing you have to figure out like your eyes are good so like uh-oh you're still not jake and i had this conversation in earnest at the climbing gym in new york was like things that on a yearly basis you want to fix about your body yeah there's always something yeah now that your eyes are fine it's kind of like uh-oh am I gonna have to take a
Starting point is 00:51:09 deeper dive into something that's less fixable not all problems can be solved with a laser one tooth one tooth not in the line I might do Invisalign but mainly I just want to lose I want to get shredded again really I was shredded in like 2018 and lost that progress to have. I thought you said you lost 20 pounds in quarantine too. I lost 40 pounds. That's crazy. Wow. 40 pounds in quarantine.
Starting point is 00:51:35 Yeah. In quarantine. That's a lot. Nice. Quarantine. That's good. Most people went the other way. You said, no, I'm shedding it.
Starting point is 00:51:44 Yeah. Well, I was shedding that because i didn't want to be shedding virus and then i just did both what you ended up doing yes so uh but yeah i want to lose another like 10 20 pounds easy jesus all at the gym all the gym god you got to do it at the gym they say that it's 90 diet but i actually think if you want to sustain weight loss you should eat somewhat normally and just work out really hard. I also, because I lost a ton of weight before my wedding. I remember that. You were thin.
Starting point is 00:52:10 Yeah. And I didn't feel good. Yeah. I like going to the gym because it's good to feel sturdy. I basically fit into my tux really well, but I felt fucking, when I was in the chair getting the chair getting the i was like i'll shatter if i and what were you doing then just no carbs yeah i had an insane diet no carbs no sugar no grains grains are good for you yeah but i didn't have i didn't even have rice like were you happy though um yeah i was happy i was bored when i ate there wasn't anything fun about food but something in the way you rice you fucking like interrupted
Starting point is 00:52:58 attracts me like no other pharaoh why did why something in the way now doesn't even rhyme what did it it was it's about ancient it was worth it yeah it was worth it in the end it came home i think i will do some kind of crazy diet before my wedding though i want to look great whoa yeah well i guess you have to first be with somebody right what's that you're kind of oh i mean you're single so don't worry about the diet you'll have to take before you get married you would also have to worry about like it's not even like don't worry about like finding a partner or something it's like you have to worry about getting a better personality before you can find yourself about yeah no i made a deposit i put a deposit down calamigos ranch
Starting point is 00:53:45 you shouldn't be looking at venues well no i just way back seeing you go through it i was like shit like if you want to get a good place you got to put the deposit in early because this thing is competitive amir so i i did it you're a nasty man so it wasn't like yeah you're not going to attract anybody because you're not attractive yeah inside. Inside or out. Your LASIK actually went wrong. I can see that they shedded your eyelid. No, I've been crying blood, but that's fine. Oh, yeah. By the way, I attract people with my fucking money.
Starting point is 00:54:15 What's that? This is a Rolex. You just said you had to sell your RAV4. You said you sold the RAV4. I had credit card debt, sure. But that's why do you think I get the debt? By getting things that make me look rich. It's a gift card, fucker.
Starting point is 00:54:27 Sorry, I didn't mean to get angry so fast. It's just like when you challenge me like that. It's just after you chugged CBD. This is him relaxed. My therapist tells me I'm right, and that's what you pay them for. No, I don't think so. We actually have one similar question right at the end here. Is it wrong to date a friend's ex?
Starting point is 00:54:51 That's basically it. This is a guy from California. We'll call him fucking Zach Morris. There's a cute girl who's in a few of my classes that I have a crush on, but the dilemma is a friend with whom i've started to be a little bit closer with got dumped by this girl last year so is it wrong to date your friend's ex what would you do in my situation i think basically yes yeah i think it there's a lot of like extenuating circumstances like did were they together together did they you know just like casually date yeah are they on good terms now
Starting point is 00:55:25 are they um i don't what is going on with jeff's zoom he left or he's no i'm here i just i put a piece of tape because i realized that you know the nsa could be watching at any minute the what are you talking about you put a piece of the nsa who cares what do they want to see us for especially you and also like you were on this zoom for for almost an hour before you put the tape on i know so i sort of panicked okay so now you're having sort of paranoid delusions this is like an anti-ad for feels it's showing how little it works um i think i think yeah i think it depends on the context is how long do they date if it's
Starting point is 00:56:07 more than like two uh more than six months that's probably off limits it also depends how that person feels about that oh my god what happened there everything got so greasy you're an oiled man. This is horrible. It doesn't matter. Like, I kind of casually saw somebody last year, early pandemic. And now I think a friend of mine has a crush on that person, potentially, and vice versa. And I'm like, go for it. Because, like, I wasn't in love. I think I wasn't in love with them. And, like, we just kind of casually saw each other.
Starting point is 00:56:43 So I think that's fine. But if somebody tried to date my ex-girlfriend that would kind of be oh shit amir you were weren't you kind of where i'm seeing i'm seeing her i'm not like dating her or anything like that right seeing i'm like we're hanging out she hated you by the way okay okay i guess she said you're sort of, yeah. I guess she likes the bad boys. No, no, no. She wants a taste of the forbidden veneer. I guess I'm a forbidden fruit.
Starting point is 00:57:17 O-P-H-R-U-I-T. Yeah, I think it's, you got to ask the friend. If the friend doesn't care care then you shouldn't care but if he's like just being polite then you have to read into that yeah it's all it's just tenuous though because it's like a new friend i feel like you basically are gonna end up having to make a decision you'll either not become a good friend with this person, or you'll date their ex. Have you guys ever dated a friend's ex? Yeah. Of course you have.
Starting point is 00:57:50 And vice versa. And for sure. Yeah. We had an incestuous friend group, to be sure. Yeah. That's pretty hot, though. Amir, riddle me this. How many people have you fucked?
Starting point is 00:58:05 Now, keep in mind, penetration isn't the only form of sex. We're, um... Yeah, we're out of time. Don't I say that in the Jake and Amira at one point? I say, have you ever fucked, Blumenfeld? Yeah, that's from Swingers. Swingers. Have you had sex once since you moved out here?
Starting point is 00:58:22 Yeah. I haven't seen that one. Have you seen Swingers, though? I also haven't seen that one have you seen swingers though i also haven't seen swingers i've seen the diner swingers in west hollywood so you would love it if you like that diner i think you would really like the film i don't like that diner i think i don't know if you can get the movie if you haven't had those eggs and do you have the eggs to have the eggs and see the swingers the way those after swingers yeah listen yeah yeah you said listen no just listen going forward listen try to try to listen yeah me or you're saying to this guy in general ferris
Starting point is 00:59:06 cut that out um and that's me i edit these amir cut that out this is fucked up and cut it out and cut you yeah um what was the question fucking a friend's ex do it yeah yeah yeah no you're fuck mary x it's the opposite of what we said said, ask your friend if he's comfortable with it. If everybody's comfortable with it, I think it's fine. It's a love triangle, but all three people have to sign off and get off. It is more fun being on the show when you're single.
Starting point is 00:59:33 Cause the other two times that I was on it, I think for the most part I was in a relationship and I'm not. So I feel like I can give more qualified advice for young people. Interesting. Let me finish. To have. All right. That was all I was going to say. I barely ever cut you off. He shouldn't interesting let me finish let me finish to have all right that was all i barely ever he shouldn't have let you finish this is yeah more qualified advice was a perfect you're chugging fucking cb this is crazy you ended the sentence amir talked which wasn't an interruption
Starting point is 01:00:01 and then chasing is a cold brew and then you gotta relax run on learn how to live in the middle you're constantly riding uppers downers just chill a little bit bottom 25 top 25 i like to live in the margins the bookends what do you mean 50 total that's a lot that's not the margins that's of people. I'm saying like when people say that you invest. Top 50 and bottom 50. Yeah. People say when you're investing, you want to be in the middle 50. You don't want to be people that are like getting in too early because then you might bet on something that's a dud. You don't want to sell too late because what if it crashes?
Starting point is 01:00:36 Buy at 25, sell at 75. I like to buy at 5 and sell at 95. Sure. I had a dream that you sneezed so hard it launched me to the top of a building. And that's not a joke. That was last night. What are you mad at me? Sorry.
Starting point is 01:00:59 Keegan-Michael Key was at a club. Okay. This is you telling a different story? Terrible advertisement for the HeadGum Podcast. All right. Jeff, one last time. Where can people hear your shit? Where can people watch us live?
Starting point is 01:01:22 Yeah. You can listen to the HeadGum Podcast. Jake or Amir are on usually most episodes um trying to think of a good intro episode do you guys have an idea which one might be a good one to start they're all equally insane to me so yeah they're all good i think i think the second annual state of the gum is a good way to start. Oh, yeah, that's good. And that was the first in-person episode. I think actually the only real full in-person episode. But it's a lot of fun.
Starting point is 01:01:51 It's a lot of absurd bullshit game segments, quizzes. And me guesting on this episode is an indication of how the other one goes. So if you didn't like this, don't listen to the show. But honestly, if you're at minute 58 and you didn't like it, I don't know what the hell you're doing with your life. Take a quiet lunch. Take a quiet lunch. And then headgum.com slash live for our live show,
Starting point is 01:02:17 October 22nd, New York City, Gramercy Theater. It's going to be awesome. You guys will probably be on it, I'm pretty sure. And a lot of people at HeadGum, and maybe even a surprise guest whoa love that uh and uh you can follow me on instagram at jeffrey james on twitter at jeff boyardee i like it uh i've been kind of tweeting fire oh also on my twitter there's a petition going around to expatriate amir to Chadron, New Jersey, sorry,
Starting point is 01:02:45 Chadron, Nebraska, which is the exact midpoint between New York and LA. Um, so let's get his ass out of LA. Um, I thought it was Lebanon. Kansas was the midpoint.
Starting point is 01:02:56 I think there's multiple midpoints depending on how you measure, but Chadron is one of them and it had a nice ring to it. I'm not. Yeah, definitely better than Lebanon. Yeah. I'm not doing that by the way. Like, well like well yeah because we haven't gotten the signatures yet i think it's 5 000 signatures i think 5 000 it was first 100 then it was 500 how many do you have now you said you
Starting point is 01:03:14 would move you said you would move to the middle of nowhere for your dream job you said that my dream job not because fucking 5 000 people didn't want me to be in la anymore that's not a lot of people though nightmare life yeah it's a lot of people. It sucks. That's not fair to Chadron. What? That's not fair to Chadron to call it a nightmare life. I don't know anyone there. And that's the kind of shit
Starting point is 01:03:36 that got you kicked out of LA. I don't have a community there, basically. You don't have a community here. You've lost them. That's the entire point of the petition. Thousands of people want you to leave. You think you have a community in LA? No, I don't think so. I don't have a community here. You've lost them. That's the entire point of the petition. Thousands of people want you to leave. You think you have a community in LA? I don't think so. I don't think so.
Starting point is 01:03:49 I don't think so either. It sucks. So we agree. Yes, exactly. Everything basically is sucks, sucks to be me. And now I have to fucking be in Nebraska about it? 100%. Like, give me my family, please.
Starting point is 01:04:02 What? Your family is allowed to go, but i don't think they will yeah and they by the way your mom signed the petition i saw how does she barely you know how to use her computer she would have had to ask somebody to like fucking set that up she asked me she did she asked me she did i set her up with an account she donated by the way she donated to promote it how much change doc there's three dollars but that's still money that she put towards it. And she wrote a note with her donation. I told her that there wasn't really a way
Starting point is 01:04:30 for me to do that. But she wrote me something and I don't feel like I should read it because it's pretty fucked up. Read it. I want to know. I want to know what it is, basically. I want to hear it. I want to know. I want to know what it is, basically.
Starting point is 01:04:45 I want to hear it, and I want to, like, I want to see if I can handle it. And I think this is the best way to go. My son, Uncle Amir, has a little chicken Twinkie dick and no nibblings to speak of. Wrong. Yeah. Your Ben, by the way way your brother signed it he said this is the first
Starting point is 01:05:08 petition i've signed in half a decade finally an important cause to rally behind after radio silence on commuter's career news front three failed pilots one failed man get his ass to Chadron. Wow. Yeah. I might at most do a winter there to reevaluate shit. I'm not fucking moving to Chadron. You can believe that. I'm not paying fucking state income tax in Nebraska. Unless I get a job there, which I'm kind of looking into, but I don't know if anybody kind of wants me.
Starting point is 01:05:49 There's a Papa John's in Chadron. I saw that. And by the way, I actually applied to work there, not even joking, and they rejected my application because I don't have any prior, like, relevant experience. There's a Little Caesars in nearby hay
Starting point is 01:06:06 springs yeah and i feel like you could commute to work but live in chadron you want me to go to the middle of nowhere and then fucking move another hour away just to go to work it already is chadron it's not it's not an hour away it's 20 minutes by car it's 20 minutes by car to get to hay springs fine but i'm taking my car then they have fine you can take you can't take the mazda i'm so sorry you can't you have to buy a chevy mazda you can take a car. We didn't say you could take your car. Little Caesars is hot and ready.
Starting point is 01:06:49 And in Chadron, you're going to be not in a Chevy. Yeah. Your lease terms doesn't allow you to live outside of the state. Like, you can't do that and still lease your Mazda. You also can't work in nebraska and live elsewhere because then you're gonna have to pay income tax in nebraska and real estate tax in i don't know kansas what's the neighboring state um there's i mean there's a couple man it's nebraska i think i won't be able to save face if i do all the stuff you're talking about, the job, the car, to have a Chevy, a Chevrolet.
Starting point is 01:07:28 What is it, like a Cruze or a Volt? What's wrong with a Chevy? You're going to Impala. It can't be a Bolt, and it can't be a Volt. An Impala? It'll be an Impala, and it'll be modded so that when you drive down the street, the exhaust is absolutely boisterous,
Starting point is 01:07:43 and people say, look at that asshole fine also by the way this is all you're saying if you do all this this is the bare minimum this is all we're asking and i don't think it's a lot it's a lot it's life-changing to in a bad way but thank you for starting i guess a lot of people got behind that cause yeah they rallied it was it was actually really fucking cool to see it was really cool something that i think because something i was worried about last summer was just like we have to keep this momentum this activist momentum going forward for other causes as well who that need the help i'm going to go to nebraska just let me stop talking and namaste and leave to go there basically no not namaste i do my the light within me does not recognize the light
Starting point is 01:08:31 within you absolutely it doesn't because the light has died i feel like i'm trying to get like one last little positive momentum going into it you're not i'm like smiling but it's just because it's unbelievable it's truly beyond belief that it's gone this way. Yeah. And I don't mean this episode. Yeah. Why don't we say it like a sign off? I think that might give you what you're looking for.
Starting point is 01:08:51 Like a nice fan. Like, all right, adios. I'm going to Chadron. And then we'll like kind of, I think Jeff and I will smile. And then we'll kind of go out on a W. Okay. If you say, my name is Amir Blumenfeld and i'm moving to chadron i think everyone listening to this will smile yeah i do want them to smile i wish it wasn't
Starting point is 01:09:12 at then say it yeah i'm i should say that we're making still making new content on our patreon patreon.com slash ja and the opening theme song was by gareth let's play it again since it took us fucking eight years to get through it so the closing one is also by gareth um shout out the email address for questions and theme songs is if i were you show at gmail.com trust me it won't take me eight years to get to it this time um i'm amir and i'm moving to umron, Nebraska. Everybody here. Everybody here. Let's get into it.
Starting point is 01:09:50 Get stoned. Get started. Get it Chadron. Get it Chadron. Let's get it Chadron. And ha, let's get it Chadron in here. Let's get it Chadron in here. Good stuff.
Starting point is 01:10:06 Later, everybody. JJ Canamere. If I were you, I'd listen up, but then I am quite clear. So here's this awesome podcast presented by these fools. Reminding us to seize the cheese to bounce and yo do you you gotta earn this booty that was a original hey i'm jake johnson host of the podcast we're here to help but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door.
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